welcome to sober Sunrise a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience strength and Hope from around the world we bring you several new speakers weekly so be sure to subscribe we hope to always remain an adree podcast so if you’d like to help us remain self-supporting please visit our website at sober-remix than a sober Sunrise we hope that you enjoy today’s speaker I’m you please do hi there I’m Mary the I’m an alcoholic we we’ll see what happens there’s no Oxygen up here and the brain so I was asked to speak and I said I got to go lay down for us for a minute anyway and we’re all out of water so we’ll see what happens right this is about the Second Step I don’t know can I move this you can thanks appreciate it second step yeah okay um well the second step in my journey and Recovery I have found a different way of of looking and applying this in my life um I I wasn’t raised with any religion so I don’t have that where I Associated a power greater than myself with church so uh I think in some way I was blessed not to um have that but at the same time I I didn’t feel like um I was worthy uh for some kind of God uh and what I knew of it um my experience was is that um I had a situation occur about 3 years before I got into recovery with my daughter that um where I brought her over a period of about N9 months to uh um three different Specialists and nothing was working and um I remember I had to stay out of work for about 3 or 4 days and when I went back to work one of my bosses said to me uh how’s Candace and and I broke down and I started to cry and I said I’ve done everything and it just so happened this is just the way it went um he had a brother-in-law that ran a Ministry and it was called The Invisible Ministry it was inlaw it was in La Hoya I believe and um you didn’t have to go to church there but he helped a lot of people and he said maybe you could call them well you know um I thought it was a little odd because I had had an affair with this guy you know but he’s telling me to call some Minister but anyway um but I you know when you’re when you run out everything um you kind of surrender and and so I called this man and and he told me his name and he said our religion is based on EMT Fox and I didn’t know who EMT Fox was or anything and uh make long story short um my daughter after 3 weeks had nothing to matter with her so I knew there was a God I know it was her God but I knew there was a God I was three years in recovery when I went to a longtime meeting in Pasadena and there was one of the original 100 um drunks that talked it said that um before the big book was written he had they they used em at Fox’s works and I went oh my gosh wow no wonder so I really feel as though is a power that deals with drunks and kids and um we don’t even know what’s happening sometimes um so when I came into the halls I knew there was a God and and I came to believe in a God here in and I think that’s what the step says does say what do you believe but what have you come to believe in what have you come to believe in and um the first thing that happened for me um is that I knew there was something going on because I could see it with you that was what I came to believe in I saw something in you and as the years have gone on I think I was around 20 years in recovery when I realized that I knew there was a God and I knew it was there and I knew I had experienced a lot of things but it wasn’t personalized to me it was almost intellectual and I tell you that because um I have run into a lot of people it’s funny the first 20 years and now almost the second 20 years I’m doing something different and um my god of my understanding what I’ve come to believe in I actually found right off of Bill’s story in Bill’s story he talks about he found a new found friend and I remember reading that one time and sitting there and saying to myself do I think of my God as a friend and I pondered that and pondered it and a lot of you people have heard my story but the truth is is that I have a best friend I have a couple of best friends that I’ve known since I’ve been 6 years old and one who happens to have God I think she’s got 34 years this year and um I sponsored her the whole time and uh but she’s we I went to her house whenever my folks were away she was like a sister she was she’s truly a best friend so that if she walked into this room right now I could take a look at her and she could take a look at me and we go we don’t have to speak there’s an energy there was and what was the energy the energy is this it’s safe now I tell you that because I’m a woman and I’m an alcoholic and I’m a mother and I was a wife that was battered and battered pretty severely a weekend guest with the local police and so what I want to say is is that for me to make a decision or you know to turn my will in my life my thoughts and my actions over to some power I would tell you I’m going to do that I ain’t going to do that one boy you’re not going to hurt me I was hurt I was damaged a lot and I didn’t really feel safe I felt safe with my sponsors my sponsors had an energy about them that I could tell them anything my best friend I could but it had never considered to have a god a loving God as he expresses himself which I was seeing the expression in my life personally and I remember when I pondered that I was going through one of those trials and tribulations you know it says in our book something in the fact if we fail to enlarge on our spiritual life we will not be able to face the certain trials and low spots ahead certain doesn’t say maybe you’re going to have a bump in the road it says certainly you are and if you don’t have a God that does business with you and you can do business with that God I’m here to tell you I’ve experienced watching some people not be able to get through that so I have have not arrived anywhere in fact I consider myself a seasoned beginner and Through the Years and my conception conception means it continues to grow concept you’ve already got it and it’s not growing anymore we found that in the book study one time it says conception not concept we kept saying oh oh oh what’s the difference and we looked at looked it up um so I really believe that a power grad in myself I come to to believe in that’s a friend and because of that I’ve been restored to sanity which is sound thinking and balance in any area of my life that I have finally admitted that I am powerless over to my innermost self that I have no power and my life’s unmanageable if I just say yeah I’m powerless over that and I really don’t admit it to my innermost self I there is no way that power will enter it’s a very strange thing I found that for myself that it wasn’t until I admitted to my inal self that I was selfish I heard the words I read the words I saw selfish and off a sudden this was the root of my problem but if I hadn’t admitted to my innermost there’s no way there was a power greater than myself that could come in and this power for me is a friend and I don’t know how much time do I have any time left what have I got two minutes two minutes oh good um I hope I made some sense one of the best promises here in the book and I love this promise it says says when I draw closer to my best friend when I draw closer to my best friend he’s going to reveal himself to me that’s on page 57 the big book has um 58 Pages plus the doctor’s opinion that deals with steps one and two if you count in the big book the rest of the pages that deal with step three step four step five they don’t add up to 59 Pages they really don’t so there’s an awful lot in these first two steps if you do not have a power that you can do business with that does business with you that’s your best friend and you have the quality of safety with that I don’t think you’re going to do it now that’s my experience with the people I sponsor they have to tell me where they feel safe where do they feel safe what’s the energy around it my power greater than my self Grew From the cat that I had ET who was very safe that was always with me she was always present even when I didn’t want her she lived 20 years there was an energy that came off of that I’m here to tell you my power greater than myself is much much more vast than that cat but you start where you are humility is accept where you are right now thank you and God bless thank you because it’s a little warm up here could I actually have somebody in the backr bring us the speakers all some water I’d really appreciate that um next we have Donna D Donna’s home group is Thursday all are welcome from Aurora Colorado she is Alan on family group thank you hi I’m Donna and I’m very nervous I am so grateful to be here up at FS I’m actually glad that it came a month early this year I didn’t want to have to wait a whole year to come back and um thank you Brenda for asking me to speak I I thought I listened during the second meeting um or the first step panel and I thought about the the whole step and the sanity and the insanity and I’ll start in the beginning um I came in Allen on it was the end of February so I missed our second step study and I didn’t hear about it for quite a long time but we always read the steps at the beginning of the meeting and I never liked the Second Step I didn’t like the word Insanity I’m like okay I I don’t belong here I am not insane and um like many have shared it took me a good six months to um I finally heard as everybody has or most of us have now the Einstein definition of insanity about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results the first time I heard that in a meeting I knew I belonged and I said okay yeah that is me um and even as as I was driving up the mountain one of the things that I used to do over and over again was committing to something and getting out commitments and I even um asked a friend in the car I said hey so are you going to be speaking on any of the panels and she said no um she was doing some other service work here and I said do you want to and and um she goes well I wasn’t asked and I go well I could ask you and I would find some way to get out of it and um sitting through there thinking about this Stu I wouldn’t be up here right now if it wasn’t for a power greater than myself and um it took me a long time much like Mary mentioned about feeling worthy I didn’t grow up in any formal religion or anything and um I really by the time I came into these rooms thought that I’d done a lot of not so good things that I had heard that um I wasn’t wor I felt I wasn’t wor worthy my parent my father would tell me I wasn’t worthy my husband would tell me I wasn’t worthy I but worst of all I would tell myself I was not worthy of um of a power greater than myself helping me and taking care of me and loving me and I heard in the rooms about let let the group be your higher power if you have no concept and I I didn’t really understand that but I saw these people believed in a power greater than them themselves and I believe that they believe that and I saw them going through things I felt were much more difficult than I had ever had to deal with with regards to alcoholism and they were res they were happy they were restored they were human they would cry they would laugh and I learned to do that I came into these room numb I I was cried out I was laughed out I was just numb and um I Heard later the next year around when we talked about the Second Step um where they break down the second step into came came to and then came to believe and and I believe that I I came to the meetings it took me a while to come to and wake up and get a sponsor and start working the steps and then I came to believe that I was loved I was loved by every one of you out there that didn’t even know me and um I’m so grateful for that and I am getting restored to sanity because I will go into those um things I used to do over and over again and um expecting different results and um people would try they would offer share their experience about things that they tried differently that I was going through that um might be a better way to react to uh the disease of alcoholism and I I would reluctantly try it and I was amazed at the results and I didn’t expect certain results I just tried it and uh it was it was powerful and I knew it wasn’t me I knew it was a higher power helping me um I am trying to stay focused on the Second Step but um I am slowly but surely getting restored coming to this conference is is the most powerful spiritual part of my recovery because there’s so much shared here that I don’t always hear in the meetings about the spiritual recovery the spiritual side of our our program and um I was Greatful a speaker mentioned earlier about this um emotionally sober that that’s powerful for me um it was when I had probably been an alanon I think I I’m sure I’ll get corrected later I think it was about a year or so um I started doing a big book study with another alanon friend of mine and it amazed me it opened up so much understanding in my um Journey as far as I saw no difference I read those stories I I I thought I was now alcoholic for a little bit you know I go maybe I am an alcoholic cuz I do this and this and this I’m self-centered I obsess I but my obsession is not over alcohol and um she cleared that up for me and and that is really the only difference that I have found between alanon and alcoholics is what our obsession is over and um I am no longer obsessed with the alcoholics in my life and what they’re doing I am I sometimes change my obsession but it’s a healthier obsessions such as my recovery and and things related to this program and I get obsessed about coming to this conference every year and and everything and um so you know it’s at least about healthier obsessions I’ve been able to have healthier relationships with my husband my family my friends that I could never have done um without everyone in these rooms without the knowledge in the big book Bill’s story especially she already quoted what I was thinking about um and as one of the things I do over and over again but I wasn’t expecting different results I left all my notes and in my big book and everything over on a chair over there with my purse and um so I I don’t have them in front of me but without a power greater than myself if I didn’t believe it I couldn’t stand up here right now I have never talked to this many people at one time in my life and I couldn’t have done it without your love your program your patience and everything else so thank you very much next on the the Second Step we’ll have Katherine D from the Sherwood Group in San in um Angel San Angelo Texas welcome hello everyone I’m Katherine and I am an alcoholic hi Catherine I’m very grateful to be here very excited about this um so staying on topic of the Second Step I was thinking um about where I was before I found this beautiful program um and I was living definitely um in alcoholic Insanity um I didn’t believe that I had a problem I was my own power I had made a decision that there was no God um I was so alone I was so desperate and I was in the darkness and I could not see outside of myself so for me if there was a God he didn’t care about me anymore what I didn’t realize that it was of my own creating um so when I walked into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous I was not doing it for myself I was doing it for my husband and my children and my family thinking I don’t have a problem these people are crazy even though I thought may maybe just maybe and I sat there and I did not realize that I was going to walk into a room full of living breathing walking Miracles it it was a moment for me that I can’t explain but at that moment I thought there’s got to be something greater in this room but I still had a difficult time coming to believe that there was a power greater than myself I grew up in a religion um as a child where God had strict boundaries and if I didn’t do what God wanted me to do I was going to burn and it was scary I was scared very scared of God and scared of what he thought of me um and when I started working with my sponsor that I have now um I learned that this power can be something that I understand and that opened a big door for me um to believe in something greater than myself that loved me um cuz I didn’t love myself this uh Power showed me a way of life through through AA through the People in AA I am so blessed to be here talking to you all right now um and I realize that because of this power I’m standing right here I’m alive and I’m breathing um I don’t really have much more to say than that I kind of drew a blank I had all these things I was thinking about um but really that’s all I have and I’m just really blessed to be here and thank you all and I do love you all very very much next we have Aaron M from AA the primary purpose group and Cheyenne Wyoming thank you my name is Aaron I’m an alcoholic um you know I was uh I was the person that had once had faith and lost it um uh my first time and you know I grew up I didn’t really have a problem with god um wasn’t really particularly religious and uh you know I I hit AA at 20 years old and uh you know because I was unwilling to do some work uh went went to a lot of meetings hung out with a lot of people in AA and uh that was about the extent of it uh 8 months of that and uh that was enough and I was back out and um you know I got married and uh as my drinking progressed it really started causing some troubles in my marriage and uh I I prayed to God a lot you know uh mostly that he would just make it easy cuz like I said I wasn’t willing to do a lot of work uh so and I and I would pray and pray and and I went to church and uh a grandfather was very spiritual and went to church with him and uh you know when nothing got better uh and my drinking got worse I said um it’s about I had about enough of this uh this is this is fooy and this is not for me um so so uh you you know it it fueled the longer I was out the worse I got the more that resentment towards God grew you know and much like Catherine uh you know at some point I think I decided that he he had pretty much looked into my soul and and saw my wretched soul and the wickedness of the way I was living and wanted nothing to do with me um so uh you know I I continued on and uh I used that to uh pretty much much is an indictment of the whole uh anybody that was uh believed in God and that uh was not living life perfectly was a hypocrite and so 15 years later after the first time uh when I ended up back in treatment um you know I called they said this is a 12-step program and I’d already done AA and I certainly wasn’t believing in God so yep I got you like I I had a plan and uh you know figured go to the uh a reh treatment and get some uh more therapy because the 5 years of therapy I had had was working so well uh you know that like I just need to cram it all into 30 days that was probably it and uh you know really where I got that uh uh willingness was uh you know once I got straightened out and got everything out of my system um you know is that that point of decision you know that gets talked about at the bottom of page 25 you know really as I saw it um I was down to two options you know one to one to keep going and uh the other two accept spiritual help um we were sitting there and uh I wasn’t in treatment very long and they had a step study meeting there and they were reading out of the 12 and 12 and when they read about the fellow that had lost faith and and then um had once had faith and lost it you know uh that pretty well pretty well described me and then I went into this internal dialogue um you know pretty much haven’t you had enough uh what is it going to hurt you know just do whatever these people say and uh you know it was it was it was from there you know and and it was good that you know the only thing that that I needed was a willingness at that point you know I did not have to accept any religious figure as my personal savior that day you know I just had had to have you know a willingness you know and and like it talks about and and we agnostics like I could not comprehend or understand God you know uh I was willing to try uh I was willing to to go back to my cabin that night and um and and pray to uh a a God that uh you know I I was pretty uncertain about about that God’s existence um you know and you know the promise of of a return to sanity and like you know at that time I’m not sure that existed either you know I just I didn’t want to I I couldn’t live the way I was living anymore I just wanted no more of that you know I knew I just didn’t want that anymore you you know uh when I was in there my counselor said you know I want your recovery to be like I wanted to be like the best drug you ever did you know I wanted to blow your hair back and I was like this guy is crazy like you know hopefully I can stay sober hopefully I make it you know hopefully I I I stop neglecting my wife uh you know uh but this this what this guy is talking about is uh you know not possible you know and and really you know it it was a ways down the road you know before I started getting into steps nine and and getting those amends done in 10 and 11 and before I really got to uh experience God and and really got to uh you know experience that return to sanity you know at least as far as alcohol is concerned um it comes and goes um you know uh usually I get up and I talk and I can’t stop talking and now I’m looking down and there’s still some time left and reaching hoping something comes to mind um you know it it nothing’s coming to mind yeah you know I it just as I got further as I progressed I realized the importance of that of that second step you know all the foundation of what I have Reliance upon God you know seeking God in every area of my life today all came from that willingness to believe you know but I you know I wish I could just say I had a change of heart and that uh I decided to try something different but it wasn’t you know it really was man this is I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do if this doesn’t work I have no idea you know so uh you know given that perspective it you know that willingness was a little bit EAS easier to come by and you know fortunately the guys that I’ve worked with um they haven’t had a problem with God I’m pretty new at this still only had a couple of guys but uh you know that’s something I even had to address with them um is is going through step two and you know just are you willing or are you not I don’t know what to say um so uh yeah if I talk any longer it’s just going to be uh rambling nonsense so I’ll be quiet now thanks now I’ll open the mic please share on your experience on step two thanks hello everyone my name is Tony blankin ship and I’m an alcoholic it’s really nice to be here I haven’t been here I was here the first year that we had it at Copper Mountain and I haven’t been back since cuz I’m busy and um I uh a couple things I wanted to that came to really struck me is that um I came in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous as I was first time I was 15 but I didn’t really want to get sober at 19 I wanted to get sober cuz I had two DUIs and um you know I alcohol was a problem and uh and I came in and out of AA for six years and I looked at the steps and I worked every one of them in my head and um I would not do the God thing I just wouldn’t do it I’d come here and they’d be like you got to find a high power and I’m like that’s good for you and I just wouldn’t do it I don’t know why I don’t know what I was so scared of and um and then you know the day came where I just couldn’t not drink and I quit stopping and uh when I got separated from alcohol and got brought to Alcoholics Anonymous this time uh I knew it wasn’t going to work I was like this ain’t going to work I’m not going to be able to stay sober I might make it 30 days because I’m locked up that’s it and I’m leaving and uh and there were people around me like I’m done and I’m like I’m not cuz I knew I wasn’t cuz I drank again all the time and um and I got a sponsor and he suggested this novel concept he says why don’t you start praying on your knees in the morning and at night I was like yeah but he said Tony just shut up and do it I was like okay and um and what became really apparent to me is it didn’t matter what I believed at that point it didn’t matter what I thought it didn’t matter what any of those things it just matter that I did something and I got on my knee I had to pray out loud for a long time because my head would scream so loud about how stupid it was and how lame I was and how you know you know blah blah blah blah blah and um is that for me am I done okay all right you’re done okay I mean I can take a message um and uh and it worked man it really worked it really worked I’m uh I’m I got sober in 1998 I’m 14 and a half years sober I’m almost 15 and and here’s you know like so here’s where I’m at today I think faith is my decision and I um you know the deal is for I’m just not all in I’ve been restored to sanity with alcohol but like I’m just not all in and I’ll be like yeah sure yeah I believe I believe I believe and I’m like yeah but it’s like not really you know not really cuz I’m not doing it right I mean I’m not really like I don’t think I’m crazy is like the deal I think I’m okay I think like all these things that are un manageable at 14 you know Mickey said that in the first step it’s like I have all these bedevilments going on and some are bigger and some are smaller and some are you know like whatever but they’re going on they’re not they haven’t stopped you know because I’m living a spiritual life and you know and once in a while about every day I’ll try to manage one of those bedevilments and I’ll be like I don’t I don’t need God for that I’m good and I’ll talk to my sponsor I’m like yeah but I’m doing it he’s like no you’re not you’re not invested and uh and it’s a reminder to me is that faith is my de that’s up to me it’s my decision that’s not God’s job that’s my job it’s my job to have faith and um I’m just grateful to be here I feel I feel good it’s nice to be here and and it’s nice to see everybody so thanks couldn’t believe Tony beat me over there my name’s Tom I’m an alcoholic sobered by the grace of God I’ve been continuously sober since June the 15th of 1986 and my home group is an group in Fe New Mexico we used to introduce ourselves like that when we got up here um this is my home conference uh a lot of uh extremely good friends uh in this room and uh I owe them the truth you know um Brian P spoke at our home group um about six months ago and he displayed a lot of courage and hope I can be that courageous you know uh I got sober in Albuquerque um in a treatment center where I don’t remember anything that happened there other than a AA meeting came in and uh I glommed on to these two guys and the one guy told me he says you need to find a higher power that you can do business with and uh up until that point I didn’t believe in anything anymore I had but I didn’t anymore and uh I asked him how he stayed sober he said I pray every day I ask God to keep me sober and I thank God at night and I started doing that because that was the only flimsy read I had left and and uh amazingly I stayed sober for 33 days in that place and my personal best was 8 days in 16 years and uh so I knew there was some difference and uh so just I guess out of superstition or whatever I kept doing that and I did it for for many many years and then I stopped doing that because I understood I was trying to make a deal with God and that you don’t need to deal with God you I’ve got nothing to deal with you know I don’t I don’t have any any any card offer god um so I stopped doing that and that’s a whole other story so um try to try to Quicken this I uh years ago I used to participate in Lota way or the sweat lodge and I was carrying the the Hot Rocks I was the fireman and having a real hard time with it it was a winter time it was slippery and I’m carrying this hot stuff and I’ve got a bad hip and I’m praying the whole time time God please give me the power please give me the power please give me the power if you drop one of these rocks you have to go back and pick it up and and put it back in the fire and it’s just hard and uh and I’m praying this prayer and a voice said to me I gave you the power now use it that was it and so I shut up with the prayers and I just did my job you know and uh so anyway uh over the years the this will just Amaze you I’m sure but I’ve had a real problem with gambling casino gambling uh specifically slot machines uh I’ve been fighting this probably most of my sobriety I just this this is what you can expect at 27 years by the way just give you a little hope uh the the spell was broken at one point through prayer and I thought it was over with and I just slid back into it and I tried to play it down and I tried to pretend like it was spiritually okay and I speak at conferences and I stand at the podium and I go on and on and I know that I’ve got this secret that I’m not telling anybody that that what love well I love you too that’s why I’m telling you this um and uh and then I’m lying to my wife I’m not lying to her but I’m phrasing things in such a way that I don’t tell the truth that’s lying right I’m being dishonest to my wife and uh and that’s not good for relationship guys uh it really isn’t and uh some people have heard this story but most of you haven’t anyway um and I’m praying the whole time God please give me the power not to go into these casinos God please give me the power not to go into these casinos please give me the power not to go over and over and over and I’ll be praying it as I walk into the casino okay um and my rationale is I’m not bankrupting us so it’s really not that bad and you know there’s no work right now anyway and you know maybe God wants me to hit the big one you know that could be possible right I mean and I even tell my sponsor and I’m even I’m even fist stepping it with people and telling guys that I sponsor about it and my sponsor says you need to go to Gamblers Anonymous I don’t want to go to Gamblers Anonymous I don’t say that to him I say well I’ll look into that you know but I don’t want to for reasons of pride and and how many more programs can I do so I’m going on like this then I start saying thy will be done as I walk into the casino and uh and what happened guys is if I had the thought of going in I’m in I mean it had me I mean absolutely did so now because I’m being dishonest with my wife I can’t do nightly review anymore because who wants to look at being dishonest every night you check that off yeah I lied I was dishonest so I just stopped doing that okay and you know I had the I vaguely sensed I was not being any too smart you know what I mean remember that um anyway what happened was um one day I sat in meditation and I remembered that time when I I was picking up those rocks and I heard the voice say use the power I’ve given you okay and so what I did was instead of this please help me please help me I I made a covenant with God and I said God today I promise I won’t in there and I didn’t it was like the spell was broken and every day I said the same prayer God today I promise I won’t go in there and I haven’t been in since it’s been about 3 or four months now and and the idea is that I’d rather beg for power that I already have then use the power that’s been given how many prayers do I have to say before the prayer is answered probably one but I’d rather beg for it than use it you know uh I was thinking about Mark Houston and he said this thing that really got me one time he said U I was praying and asking God to show me I said God please show me how to tell people about you and what I heard was don’t tell them about me tell them about your experience of Me Okay Don used to say you know the big book doesn’t say belief in in God it says belief in the power of God and that’s what we get here thanks hi I’m John a member of alanon uh I had to say about one thing it took me a long time like years to figure this out so in case somebody else is like as thick as I was about this I will simply say that religion and God are two separate and distinct things a religion may say that they are the only one and that’s the only way you can talk to God but they all say that and in any denomination you can find someone who is very spiritual and connected and can very help you and you can find the evilest people on the planet in that same religion it doesn’t matter uh and as far as religious texts go you can find some wonderful inspirational things in some of those religious texts and you can find the ugliest nastiest thing that will drag you down to whatever pit there is in the same texts so it took me a long time to figure out in a way that I’d been sold a bill of goods when I was growing up because this is the only way to work well I tried them and it didn’t work so God doesn’t love me no it’s they can’t help you it’s that religion gives God a bad name religion is an May a man-made thing God didn’t make it I’m sure if we ran across and we’ say what are you guys doing what’s all this stuff that you say is in my name and it really isn’t I don’t know so I’ve had to really work on breaking that away when somebody says this is what was written and this is from God it’s like well no it’s from somebody who was spiritual at the time whatever time that was people found it really valuable maybe there’s something in there but I might read something from God in the big book or I might read something from God in some of the allanon literature I have I think probably I have not really been to church I have been in a building that was built around a religion but I really didn’t go to church until I actually went to an AA meeting and thought now these people are really in with God so that’s what I had to figure out I hope that helped somebody thanks hi my name is Jim I’m an alcoholic greetings from Iowa um I’ve never really considered myself a control freak more of a control Enthusiast um one of the things that I fall prey to is um my ego will kind of squirrel up through into my brain to uh help me forget one of the pertinent ideas that no human power can can uh free me from alcoholism and I had a situation here recently where I had to do business as has been said um you I have many experiences um one thing that Tom said reminded me what I did wrong in this program for a long time was to try and understand so I could explain God to someone else and what’s happened with me today is that I’m able to um experience and express God and my experience through my experience and it it’s a wonderful place to be um I have found whenever I Surrender another part of my life to God my world gets a lot bigger when I’m trying to figure it all out um it gets smaller and excuse me as people are familiar with the mountains the view from the valley is significantly different than that the view from The Mountaintop and um so has some medical issues and I have a foot that won’t behave itself so they want to take part of it and I’m coming off a shoulder injury and so we’re trying to time this thing and I’m and I’m not Second Step stuff is I got to figure this out okay I got to know what it’s going to look like so all of this stuff’s going along and coming off the shoulder surgery and I’m sitting in church and it kind of was like the scene in The Wizard of Oz where the house is spinning around you know all the all those scenes are going by and I’m going maybe I’m consumed by fear here maybe out inventory so all by my itty bitty self before they started the sermon I wrote down 18 things about losing half my foot that I was afraid of and my world was real small and I said well you can concentrate on the answer or the um or the problem and I turned right around without breaking sweat I ripped off 47 grateful and I’m back in the moment this is one aspect of my foot so two days later I had to go see the shoulder surgeon who was going to give me some definitive Direction on what to do with foot and Monday night I’m sitting there going okay God I’m going to get I’m going to allow this whatever the directive is of the shoulder surgeon to uh to be as the direction of the foot I’m going to make him a reflection of you my higher power and what he says goes and I thought I had it all figured out well I’ll be able to do this because I’m trying to get it cut off in time so I can get here okay I’m trying to work backwards from the last weekend in Jun any so I asked him I said doc what would be the optimate time and he said he goes oh three months I mean I was grinding myself into the ground three months was not one of the option because I was trying to figure it out I wasn’t I was making myself insane and as he talked the clarity became just CU I I said I’d made you know I’d offered this Covenant to God what he says goes and all of that angst all of that fear and all of a sudden you know on a clear day you can see forever all of a sudden my world got real big and I realized that my shoulders salvageable my foot’s not very practical thought so may well let that be a priority but in that I got back to a point of sanity and my second step prayer today is God I don’t have the answers for my life will you show me where to find him thank you hi my name is cat and I’m an alcoholic I’m a member of the women and Recovery Group which is uh meets on Mondays in Boulder Colorado um this been a great Workshop um even though it’s really really warm in here I wanted to hear people Express how they came to believe and uh with having reached eight years I still hadn’t felt it I felt nothing inside like Chorus Line I felt nothing and uh I was a cradle Catholic so I went 12 years of school 12 years of uh study religious study and um questioned it at about 10th grade some of the precepts and Concepts and then just kind of stepped away fell off a precipice and started drinking and uh that didn’t fit well with religion so I was Off to the Races and I was able to take care of my own life thank you very much I didn’t need any help from God or anyone or any human person and uh by the time I got into Alcoholics Anonymous I had you I was 52 I had step one down I was done completely done didn’t have to convince me and I was I went in there to save my life because I I knew I only had a few years left if I continued on that path and I used the group I used the door knob uh and I used the group again I tried to find God I really struggled with it a lot and then I let it go I thought well I’ve got x amount of years and then finally I realized that I had to really work on it because I started being a sponsor and I had sponses who had faith you know they and they had it so much not I don’t know I don’t want to say easier but if you have faith it kind of can catapult you after step one into two and three it helps to know that you have a higher power there with you and so I became jealous of them and uh started going to a group that was reading the book came to believe and uh decided Well I tell other people get a god box when something’s going on and I thought well GE I don’t have one and I started putting you know my problems in the god box and I started to realize that they didn’t feel so heavy they kind of resolved on their own and I’m like whoa there’s something here so by combination of that and being around people who have faith who have had miracles happen in their life you know I came to believe for myself that I have a presence all around me all the time time helping me to take the next right step in my life um and it’s just amazing how much happier I am and it you know took me a long time to get there so uh I would just encourage anybody who’s have struggling with this to look around and listen to the stories other people have to um have to share with you and to fake it till you make it and I think it will happen for you it did for me after 10 years thanks hi Maryann and I’m an alcoholic I’m really grateful to be here I just love Alcoholics Anonymous and to be here is such a gift from God um I just can’t say enough good things about this conference I came here for my first conference last year and I hope to make get a yearly event um I love step two when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous I was dying from active alcoholism I was dying you know I was done um I had no no place to go I I had no idea what I was going to do with my life and one of the first things I heard I heard all these things but you know get a home group you know start praying many things but the thing that stood out the most to me was get a sponsor get a sponsor and so I did and within my first two weeks I had a sponsor and she said my job is to take you through the big book Book of Alcoholics Anonymous so you can go through the 12 steps and um and she said we’re going to meet once a week and we’re going to start reading this together and that’s what we did and I had no idea I had never been an Alcoholics Anonymous before I had no idea what to expect and so we started meeting and we started reading and when we got to step two um we would talk about each step and we would read a little and talk a little and read a little and talk a little and when we got to step two we were talking about this idea of insanity and she explained to me that the insanity of the alcohol is the delusion that somehow someday I will be able to control and enjoy my drinking and that delusion has to be smashed and um and then after knowing my first step where I gave many examples of how I was powerless over alcohol and you know how I would pick up the drink and then the drink would take me and then I’d be gone and I could not stop you know after all of these examples of powerlessness to think that to think that I would be able to drink in safety was insanity and that was the insanity of step two and she said that that um you know I’m going to have to have something come between me and the drink and it needs to be a power greater than myself and you know we talked about what that would look like and you know can I do that can I get a power greater than myself and and and I came here like other people said too I was kind of like a blank slate and um and I and I said yeah you know I’m willing to try that and I I heard today also that I I I had that gift of desperation that and I didn’t know what that was I you know I was just terrified that’s all I knew and um so she said you know when you get this higher power you’re going to need it because there’s going to be a day when you won’t be able to go to a meeting you know you won’t find a meeting within your you know vicinity you’re not going to be able to get somebody on the phone there’s going to be a time that you’re going to want to drink and you know you need that power to come between you and that drink and you know I’m I’m just so absolutely grateful because I didn’t know anything about Alcoholics Anonymous and to get this sponsor that knew the deal and was able to teach it to me because you know I had a really solid foundation right out of the shoots not not knowing you know not knowing anything and um and so I continued to to go through the steps with her and you know I moved a lot around in Alcoholics Anonymous and I had different sponsors and each time we went through the steps again to get to know each other better and about eight years later I was living in Sarasota Florida and I went on a vacation a weekend up in New York City and in Sarasota Florida I was really busy in AA I had you know sponsorship and service and I had a full-time job that I loved and life was really full you know it it was great and I went to uh New York City on this vacation for the weekend and uh I was feeling a little off and I was all alone and uh and I went it was late at night and I don’t I had this IR Restless irritable discontent feeling and and I was you know in it with my sponsor you know that you know i’ I’ve seen people do everything right in Alcoholics Anonymous and they get drunk and I’ve seen people do everything wrong and they stay sober so who knows what it was but that night uh I went out walking the streets of New York and um I felt the I felt the urge to drink and um and and I didn’t know where I was I had gotten off a train somewhere way far away from my hotel and I was walking back to my hotel and um and I kept seeing the people drinking in the in the bars you know and that that kind of the hotel Bill Wilson scene where they looked like they were having you know fun and and I wanted that I had that you know loneliness and and I started to pray and um I didn’t know where I was as I said and I was just walking I remember it was raining and and I just kept saying God please keep me sober God please keep me sober I was terrified I was going to drink and um I’m walking and I’m walking and I’m praying and I’m praying and suddenly I for some reason I just stopped and I looked up and there on a door was a circle and a triangle and it’s 9:30 at night so I’m thinking yeah right you know what what’s that going to do me you know at first I was like oh thank God and then I’m like oh you know and suddenly this man comes over and he goes you got to ring the buzzer come on in you know and so we went upstairs and and there was a meeting at 9:30 at night it was a rainbow meeting it was the best meeting I ever had and I said I I have eight years sober I don’t know what’s going on but I think I want a drink and you know that night God came between me and the drink and that’s the insanity of the of the of the second step for me thanks thank you to our leaders as well as the sheriffs thank you very much we’ll now close the meeting by group conscience The Fellowship of the spirit conference does not close each meeting with the Lord’s Prayer instead we encourage the entire conference to be treated with an attitude of continuous prayer and we will then say the Lord’s Prayer together at the close of the conference on Sunday please help me close this meeting by joining hands for a moment of silence let us share our spiritual experience and strength with each other so that we may grow together in a greater understanding and love thank you thank you for listening to sober Sunrise if you enjoyed today’s episode please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message until next time have a great day