AA Speaker – Steve B. – Paramount, CA – 2001
AA speaker Steve B. from Paramount, CA shares 21 years of sobriety, exploring powerlessness, the Third Step, and learning to turn his life over rather than trying to control everything.
Steve B. from Paramount, California got sober on May 25, 1979, after a lifetime of trying to control everything and everyone around him. In this AA speaker tape, he walks through what it means to truly surrender—not just once, but as a daily practice—and how letting go of his need to manage the world became the foundation of his recovery.
Steve B., sober since 1979, explores the First Step (powerlessness) and Third Step (surrender) in depth, describing how alcoholics fundamentally misunderstand both control and willingness. An AA speaker who spent over two decades in recovery, he emphasizes that the program works not through willpower but through a complete shift in how we relate to God, ourselves, and others—turning what we could never manage in the first place over to a Higher Power.
Episode Summary
Steve B. walks into this meeting with 21 years and a couple months of sobriety, and from the opening moments, his energy is unmistakable. He’s funny, direct, and unafraid to call out the contradictions in how alcoholics think and act. His central theme: we are people who do not play well with others, and the program’s real work is learning to surrender not just alcohol, but our need to control everything and everyone in our lives.
Early in the talk, Steve breaks down the First Step in a way that cuts through the usual recovery platitudes. Most people think Step One means admitting you’re powerless over alcohol. But Steve pushes deeper. The step says “our lives are unmanageable”—not just our drinking, but our actual lives. And here’s the kicker: normal people already know this. They live in a world where earthquakes happen, where things fall apart, where they have limited control. We’re the confused ones. We walk into the rooms thinking we’re God, convinced that if everyone would just listen to us, do what we say, and understand our perspective, everything would work. That’s the real problem.
He tells the story of walking into kindergarten, grabbing the teacher by the scruff of the neck, and saying, “All right, I’m in charge now. Give me the blankets and the cookies. Nobody gets hurt.” It’s brutal and hilarious because it’s true. We take an inventory and realize we’ve got all the toys, all the blankets, we’re selling the other kids bad cookies, and we’re wondering why nobody likes us. One man at a campfire showed him a first-grade report card that said, “Thomas needs to understand this class only needs one teacher.” A six-year-old already running his own show.
This leads Steve into the Fourth Step and what it actually reveals. He walks through his own inventory and discovers he only understands one way to have a relationship: dominate or be dominated. He doesn’t know how to be a worker among workers, a friend among friends. He doesn’t know how to let someone else have the spotlight when it’s their turn and take it when it’s his. He knows how to demand and sulk. He knows how to punish people with silence when they hurt his feelings—he just stops talking to them, deadens them, freezes them out—without ever actually addressing the resentment or giving them a chance.
But the heart of the talk is the Third Step, and Steve tells a stunning story about what surrender actually means. A drunk on his way home, sick and hurting after a run, meets God. God has sobriety in his hand. The drunk asks what it costs. God says, “How much you got?” The drunk offers $50. God says, “For you, sobriety costs your $50.” The drunk pushes back—if he gives all his money, he has no gas for his car. God responds, “Oh, you have a car? Sobriety costs your car.” This continues through his job, his house, his wife, his kids, his life. At each step, the drunk tries to negotiate. And God keeps raising the price. Until finally, the drunk asks, “If I give you all of that, what good is my life?” And God says, “That’s right.”
At that moment of complete surrender, when the drunk is willing to hand over everything—not because he wants to, but because he has nothing left—God hands it all back. But with one fundamental difference: none of it is his anymore. The money isn’t his, but he gets to spend it on God. The car isn’t his, but he gets to drive it for God. The job, the house, the family—they all belong to God now. The family might never talk to him again based on his behavior, but they’re given back because they’re God’s, not his. And his life, which will never be his own again, he gets to live for God.
This is the shift. This is what surrender means in AA. It’s not self-improvement. It’s death of the self as the center of the universe. And Steve has lived this long enough to see what happens when alcoholics actually do the work. He’s not a newcomer preaching theory. He’s a guy who went from thinking he was God to understanding that his entire life—every person in it, every dollar, every hour—is something he stewards on behalf of a power greater than himself.
Steve also talks about what the program actually gives us. He speaks to the healing that comes when he sees a child give their mother a cake, when he sees a father come back to a family—things he never got. He can feel genuine joy for someone else’s experience without it being about him. He calls this a spiritual experience. He can’t explain why he got it and someone else didn’t. The book says some people get it right away, some after a time, and some get better. Of those who really try, 25% never get permanent sobriety. But Marie Stenner, a speaker he deeply respected, once asked: where does willingness come from? If willingness is a gift of God, how do we claim credit for getting sober? We cooperate with the process, but we don’t do it. And Steve can’t reconcile why some people get that willingness and others don’t.
He closes with practical, hard-earned wisdom about sponsorship, about the lying that happens in AA (old-timers telling newcomers things that sound good but aren’t quite true), about AA being the most rigid organization on earth despite thinking of itself as a fellowship of rebels. He talks about the lies we tell ourselves—that we’re sick people trying to get well, when actually we’re sick people who did some genuinely crappy things and have to take a moral inventory. He talks about the character defects that stick around even after 21 years: selfishness, dishonesty, self-seeking behavior, and fear. And he talks about the Ninth Step—making amends—as the bridge that turns a random stranger back into a real person, a real relationship.
This is not a polished story with a neat arc from chaos to enlightenment. This is a man thinking out loud about what he’s learned, what still confuses him, what still works, and why the program keeps him sober when nothing else could.
Notable Quotes
If you’re new, I can say for you, I think if you’re an alcoholic like me, what I say for myself, if you drink again, we can predict with almost absolute certainty what will happen to you. Insanity, death, horrible things destroying every loving relationship in my life.
I came to Alcoholics Anonymous looking for God. I came thinking I was God. And on any given day, I’m disappointed that I’m not.
You just come here, you’re dying because you got terminal alcoholism. I’m one of those alcoholics. I never had one day. Never got one day on my own. And I will tell you that in the 21 years and a couple of months I’ve been sober, I haven’t been close to a drink.
One drunk talking to another is a bar. But something happens here. And it’s unexplainable. One and one equals three.
If I do the steps long enough, I’m going to get okay. And in my case, this may not be your case. Many of you thought you were too good for AA. I really didn’t think I was good enough. I didn’t think you’d let me in. I didn’t think I could belong.
Sobriety cost you your life. And because the drunk is at that magic moment of surrender, he’s willing to give his daddy his car and his house and his wife and his kids and his job, his money, his life.
Step 3 – Surrender
Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
Acceptance
Willingness
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 1 – Powerlessness
- Step 3 – Surrender
- Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
- Acceptance
- Willingness
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated and may contain minor errors. For the best experience, listen to the audio above.
Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. We hope to always remain an ad-free podcast, so if you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-onrise.com.
Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Hi everybody.
I'm Steve Bner. I'm an alcoholic. >> How are you tonight?
You look good. Thank you for having me. My sobriety date is May 25th, 1979.
And uh it certainly shocks me. Uh I had no idea. You know, if you told me May 26, 1979 that come the year 2001, I'd be in Paramont, California speaking at an AA meeting, I would have run out of there screaming.
I I have no idea what was going to happen. You You just come here, you're dying because you got terminal alcoholism. I'm one of those alcoholics.
I never had one day. Never got one day on my own. And I will tell you that in the 21 years and a couple of months I've been sober, I haven't been close to a drink.
That's just my story. I know lots of people get thirsty and and and and they may, you know, I think that's just makes sense to me in alcoholic so in sobriety getting thirsty makes sense to me. Uh, you know, especially when they have those commercials like for Heineken, which is a sexual experience for a sober alcoholic, you know, that bottle goes by and then just that drop of water going down there and he starts in on you.
It's beer. It's not real alcohol. It's healthy.
It's got hops in it. It's really health food. You know what I mean?
And I don't I don't you know every once in a while I kind of go I mean there's drinks out there that fascinate me. Lots of drinks I I never had a Long Island iced tea. I know.
See when I say that people encourage me to relapse. It's really great. People go oh man you didn't have a Long Island.
You really should go out over that man cuz come back get a newcomer chip cuz that's worth it. Long and that looks like my kind of drink. This much booze that much mixer.
Had a buddy of mine he had a glass and he could have put a fifth in with about this much Coke. He'd come his wife would come home and he'd be drunk. She go how much do you have?
one cuz that you know that's us for one. It's whatever a glass is is one. I I think it should be on the 20 questions.
See I got I got addicted to uh antique stores and soy have you you get new you get an if you're new. How many people are in their first year? Just I just want to see so I can kind of gauge my Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous.
Welcome to I can't even begin to tell you. I mean the basic thing is I don't have to die with a big fat liver out to here like half of my family and that's a blessing and God bless them. They didn't want to either.
But there is so much more here. I see if I could I would change this name from Alcoholics Anonymous to does not play well with others anonymous because see besides I I think Wait said you know it and it says that and and you know it's such a the the speaker I just am done. If I'm really spun tonight, it's because the San Frernando Valley convention was this week and I've been involved in that and I have just had AA for I am a out.
I have had a lot of toxic alcoholism, you know, around old-timers and mostly and uh you know, I had forgotten this on my schedule and I would have never put it on my schedule because I would never have and it was there. And sometimes God just says to you, you can do more than you think. I just want to be have my feet up watching the Sopranos tonight.
That's it. that nice group of people. They all fit right here.
But if you think about our first step, it says admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives are unmanageable. And the speaker last night was talking about and I thought how peculiar life is unmanageable. Life itself, not my life, life.
We live in California. The earth could start shaking the next minute, >> you know. I mean, but but I don't think you have to tell normal people life is unmanageable.
They know that already. We're the ones who are confused about it. You know, you you go out to some normal you you think you can manage life.
Hell no, man. No, it's you. I can get my checkbook and go to job and do, but there's a lot of stuff I can't manage.
Not us. Not us. See, and I didn't come to Alcoholics Anonymous looking for God.
I came thinking I was God. And on any given day, I'm disappointed that I'm not. Cuz see, I just think, and it really is, it's a cliche, but I think it's true, that once you take away my drinking, I really only have one problem.
It's not places. I can move. It's not things I can trade them or get rid of them.
It's people. You people will not turn your will and your life over to my care as you don't understand me. And if you did, it would be so much better.
That's why I say we are the we are does not play well with anonym others anonymous. We went into kindergarten, grabbed the teacher by the scruff of the neck and went, "All right, look, I am in charge now. Give me the blankets and the cookies.
Nobody gets hurt." Those of you are drug addicts who are in the back crushing the cookies, mixing them with other things. So, let's take a little mini inventory, shall we? Okay, first of all, we got all the blankies, all the toys, and are selling the other children bad cookies.
And we're wondering, why doesn't anyone like me? And I told that story one time and a guy, I was at a camp out. If you've not been to an AA camp out or NAC, what you need to go.
It is it is hilarious. You know, alcoholics in the woods. You think we're bad here?
Oh god. But the guy said, "Come back to the campfire. I want to show you something." He had his big book and he had his report card.
And if you really want to take an interesting inventory, look at your report cards from when you were in elementary school. That got the room quiet. But he had his first grade report card.
And on his first grade report card, honest to God, this is what it said. Thomas needs to understand this class only needs one teacher. This is a first grader.
He's 8 years old walking in the class thinking he's going to be in charge. See, and the literature is so true for me. The literature says that I really only understand one way to have a relationship with you.
Dominate you or be buried underneath. I don't know how to be a worker among worker. I don't know how to be a friend among friends.
I don't know how to let you have a spotlight when it's your turn and take it when it's mine. I don't know how to walk into a room and try to make it as good a meeting for you as it is for me. I don't know how to give and take.
I know how to demand and sulk. You know, too much relating going out of there because I'll tell you what I got hit to in the forep and you are not going to hear much of a drunk log. I have been accused of the alcoholic with not a drunk log.
I drank. I I I should have been the first one in my family dead. I just don't have a very interesting one.
See, because most of the people that speak in AA have one of two kinds of stories. They were tied down and fulsome doing life all tatted out. Now they run Microsoft.
That kind of story. I'm short. I'm white in jail.
I'm an ordev. I'm not going. Okay.
I ain't going to Vietnam once. I ain't going. I had a high draft number and I would looked into Canada and I'm an army brat.
You know, I wouldn't go to Vietnam. I don't jump out of airplanes. I don't do I I get drunk and look for a hostage.
That's about as dangerous as my life got. And some of them could kick my ass. So, it was, you know, so you're either tatted out doing life in Fulsome or you woke up in Reno with $100,000 in cash and 12 hookers in the room.
That didn't happen either yet. So, you know, all I did was sit in my chair day after miserable day, drinking myself to death by seconds and inches, tip of the hat to Norma, watching television, crying hysterically because they missed the word bubblegum on the $10,000 pyramid. Remember how I used to cry?
I can't cry like one. That's the one thing I miss about being drunk. You can't cry like that.
just animal noise. Somehow it was a meeting call for codependent women though, you know, you get the strangest girls show up for that. I know several of you in the audience tonight are, you know, or I would watch Ryan's Hope and laugh hysterically because sill they were leaving Cynica one more time.
Every once I'd go to a bar. I mean, I did a few interesting things. I danced with communists in Colombia.
I I did some But you know what? Basically, that's all it was. Sitting in the chair dying by seconds and inches.
That's my drunk. And I I will tell you if you're new, I think for me, and probably for you, if you're an alcoholic like me, and I I'm a person who believes there are all kinds of problem drinkers. All kinds.
There's some people up here they maybe they can learn maybe they haven't lost their arms, you know. And my book says I'm not supposed to resent them. My book says if you have a problem with alcohol and somehow can learn to drink again, my hat is off to you.
I am happy for you. And you want to know why I'm happy for you? Cuz I don't want you to kind have have the kind of alcoholism I have if you can help it.
I don't want anybody on the face of the planet to have the kind of alcoholism I have because I have the most virulent, destructive, killing, worst case of alcoholism there is possible to get. If there are people down here, I'm all the way on the other end. I am a man who has got you can't get it worse than me.
And the book of Alcoholics Anonymous says, "This program is a program for people have problem with alcohol who want to stop." Boom. And can't. Boom.
That's me. I wanted to stop and I couldn't. And that's the kind of problem drinker this program works for.
Those without hope. Bill Wilson said that Alcoholics Anonymous is built on failure. You know, built on failure.
There's probably some pretty heavy heat in this room. People with a little money. See some bad guys that kick a lot of ass.
See some probably some really pretty women who've tortured a lot of men and enjoyed it. You know, but you know what? >> You know what, newcomers?
And there's one. Sounds like he's enjoying the torture. That's okay, too.
But you know what? You know what, guys? I don't care how heavy the heat is in here.
I don't know how tough they are, how much money they got. They're all failures. They can't split a pint or they die.
See, cuz alcohol is a pimp. Alcohol is a pimp. And everybody in this room, if you're an alcoholic like me, has been his boy or his girl.
You know, you're just you're driving over to dad's house for Thanksgiving. Just on the way, just going to make a little stop. Alcohol says, "Get in the car.
And where's my money? You know, it's Christmas Eve and the kid's bike, it just they didn't put that one screw in there. You just need one wrench.
You just got to go to the hardware store for a second. And on the way, alcohol says, "Get in the car. Where's my money?" Mom's dying of stomach cancer.
And you're going to be there for mom cuz mom's always been there for you. You're on the way to the hospital. You're going to be there.
You're going to show up. You're going to do your duty. Alcohol says, "Get in the car.
Where's my money? You know, and then some nice judge or therapist sends you to ANA and alcohol becomes Barry White. Oh, who loves you, baby?
I'll be good to you, baby. Those people in AA, they don't understand you, baby. Just get back in the car, baby.
Alcohol is a pimp. I mean, the great thing about drinking is there are no rules. that can't be in I mean I can pretend I have rules but the basic rule is I mean there's okay if you're new I believe you can work one of two things you can work the program of recovery and alcoholics anonymous the 12 steps or you can work the program of alcoholism and the 12 steps of alcoholism but what you can't do is not not work a program it's a double bind means you can't win you got one choice or the other but what you can't do is not do something now as I thought about that I thought well what were the 12 steps I worked when I was out there drinking.
This may have not been your drinking program, but this was my 12step program. One, I declared I was in complete control of my drinking and my life was fine and dandy. Thank you very much.
Two, I always knew there was no power greater than myself, but all of you needed to be restored to sanity. Three, made a decision to turn my will and my life over the care of alcohol because it was the only thing that understood me. Four, made a paranoid and immoral inventory of anybody but me.
Five, admit nothing to nobody ever. Six, became entirely willing to have God punish you for all your defects of character. Seven, humbly asked him to go bug somebody else.
Eight, made a list of all persons who had harmed me and became willing to take revenge upon them all. Nine, took direct revenge whenever possible, especially when to do so would injure them and others. 10.
Continuing to take your inventory and when you were wrong, promptly told you so. 11. Sought through alcohol and medication to improve my unconscious contact with myself.
Praying only for what I wanted when I wanted it and the power to get it. And 12. Having achieved spiritual death as a result of these steps, I tried to carry this message to other alcoholics and take just as many of them with me as I could.
Now, in that program, there's only one tradition. I know Clancy did the traditions today. In the program of alcoholism, there's only one very easy workshop.
Do whatever I got to do to get through the night. Do whatever I got to do to get the next drink. See, two 12step programs side by side.
And I, the alcoholic, will work one or I will work the other. But what I will not do is not not work a program. I know, honey, but I got to talk anyway.
They asked me. And you could give a better pitch than me. Really?
you have more brain cells than I do. But really, that's all sobriety is is hiding your brain damage, folks. That's it.
Just so they don't put you in the home. Okay? The number of brain cells that were killed in this room.
I mean, it's just so that that that deals that that that and my great blessing. A friend of mine who passed away, Marie Stenner, uh who I'm sorry you will never get to hear her speak. She was one of the most tremendous speakers AA's ever produced.
But one of the things she used to always say is alcoholism had drank Marie Stenner up. There was nothing left of her. And her great blessing was that God could completely rebuild with her.
And I think for some of us that, you know, I had as low a bottom as I ever want to have. But she took it farther down the road. And I think in a sense for those of us that maybe didn't go so far down the road, when there are still parts of us that are left over, it's harder for God to rebuild on that than ground that has been completely obliterated.
And so for those of you who have gone very far down the road, you may be an empty vessel that God can use, far greater than some of us who didn't. Because you have to remember one thing about Alcoholics Anonymous. It's the magic kingdom.
One and one equals three. Here there's absolutely no reason why one drunk talking to another should do anything but get us drunk, is it? That's a bar, isn't it?
One drunk talking to another is a bar. And yet something happens here. And it's unexplainable.
And I can't explain it to you. I can't explain why one person gets it and another doesn't. I can't explain why I have 21 years.
I've done the work. I have a sponsor. I go to meetings.
I love meetings. I love the fellowship. I love service.
I love doing the steps in retrospect. Usually, you know, I always enjoy a step after I've done it. And I still can't explain it to you.
Marie had a wonderful line about that. She says, "Yes, well, when people relapse, we go. They weren't willing." Yeah.
The book says that people who don't get this could not or would not. Could not or would. And for me, that says I don't judge.
I don't judge why somebody gets this or not. The book says that of the people that came in, 50% get it right away, 25% get it after a time, and the other 25% get better. Of those who really try.
And that's the optimal phrase there of those who really try. Coming to Alcoholics Anonymous, sitting in a room is not trying any more than going to the gym and watching people exercise is trying. You go to the gym and watch people exercise, you're not going to lose weight.
It's not a bad thing to do. It's just not going to help you get better. I got to get on the equipment.
But you know what it says there is of those who really try. Those who really try, they're 25% of them that will never get permanent sobriety. That's what the big book says.
Now, my experience of those who really try is like 95% get it. I think that's But you know what Marie would say about that was people say, "Well, he wasn't willing. She wasn't willing.
She wasn't willing. He wasn't willing." And Marie would say, "Yes, but where does the willingness come from? Where does the willing from me?" No.
No. The willingness is a gift of God, too. No.
And I can't explain why I got it and somebody else doesn't. You know, I always tell people to go, "Well, I got this for myself." I say, "Well, then make your heartbeat. Make your heartbeat one more time.
Make the sun come up tomorrow. Create a little oxygen. Now, one of my favorite writers says that when you work with God and like if you're building a wall, it's just human nature to go, well, you know, God and I, we did it.
God did that part, but that two rocks there, that's mine. That's And it's that human need to say, "This is what I did." And it's just so much freeing to say, "God's done it all. I've got I've got to cooperate with the process." The book talks about that too and I can't explain where that happens and where it doesn't.
I think I have to some extent and haven't to some extent. I have character defects that I have not basically changed in 21 years. I have new character defects.
Spiritual pride being one of them. I didn't have the character defect of spiritual pride. You would never have heard me saying when I was drinking, those normies don't have a program.
You know why normal people don't have a program? They don't need one. They don't need a program.
Somebody came to them when they were 2 years old and said, "Look, there's a God that loves you more than you love yourself, is obsessed with you, knows every hair on your head. Will you take that deal?" And they went, "Right on." Not us. There's a God.
I think I'm going to drink a little bit. I think I'm I'd rather throw up than accept that kind of God. Darn it.
And so, you know, I just I one of my favorite speakers in a died 10 years before I ever got sober, Alan McInness was an LA speaker, said that if you come and get sober one day, you're going to get everything you ever came to get in AA or you're going to find out you're never going to get what you came to get in AA. And then why are you going to stay sober? Why are you going to stay sober?
And I stay sober, I guess, for a number of reasons. I love AA. I love my life.
But I I stay sober because I don't want to go back to that world. And if you're new, I can say for you, I think if you're an alcoholic like me, what I say for myself, if you drink again, we can predict with almost absolute certainty what will happen to you. I know I can produce with almost abs predict with absolute certainty what's going to happen to me.
Insanity, death, horrible things destroying every loving relationship in my life. And I won't mean to. I'm not a bad person.
I think alcoholics, my mother was an alcoholic. She loved me as much as a mother could love a child. She just couldn't do anything about her alcoholism cuz she didn't have the facts.
One of the things I've learned from my inventory process is most of the harm I did was unintentional. I mean, I've actually set out to hurt some people, but most of my thought, you know, we don't intend to hurt. We don't intend to kill anybody in a car accident when we're going for another bottle.
That's not our intention. We just need another drink. They just happen to be in the crosswalk.
And that that's what can happen if I drink again. I'll take your grandmother out. I won't mean to.
It's not my intention. Not a bad person. I'm just somebody.
Well, actually, that is one of the lies they tell you in aa. You know, you know, if you're new, they lie to you here. They tell you they don't lie, that's a lie.
They're all liars, guys. Remember the thing you have to remember about old-timers is they're alcoholics. I forget this about them.
In this committee I was on, there was a woman in it. I completely forgot she was an alcoholic. I don't know what the hell she was doing on an AA committee.
just some nice person that dropped in to help. I just went up to her finally. I said, you know, I because I just met her.
I said, I just have a hard time relating to you as an alcoholic. Then she told me her story. So, you have to remember that that those of us who have been around the night, we're not well or we wouldn't be here.
In fact, I've never met an oldtimer, you have to severely hat somewhere inside of them. When I got sober, it was wonderful. You'd see one old-timer trying to fight another oldtimer over gratitude.
Punctuation in the big book, you know, kick that butt. if I can get over there. You know, it's true.
Now, newcomers, if you really want to mess with old-timers, because Alcoholics Anonymous is the most rigid program on the face of the earth, okay? We don't like to think that. We want to think we're alcoholics.
We're bohemians. It's the Baptists. It's the Republicans, the Democrats, the Kowans.
They are rigid. No, we're more rigid than them. Now, if you don't think this is true, I'm going to give you a couple tests.
You'll find out. But this is one of the places I asked me to go speak in Lockinat at a noon meeting one time, and they give chips out there. Okay, now this and what I love two things I love about this meeting.
I drove in the parking lot. There's some guy talking to another guy with a big book open on a truck bed back there. Went, wow, this is a good meeting.
The other thing I like about this meeting is you have all different kinds of ages in here, right? Cuz the problem with LA is you can go to meeting where they're just like you. If you're old, they're all old.
If you're young, they're all young, you know? And I love meetings in LA where we have cuz where I got sober in South Carolina that it was just all kinds of ages, you know. And that's the one great thing about LA and one of the the bad things about LA is that there's so many meetings you can go and not have to learn to get along with others.
That's what I love about conventions. They always remind me my home group is not just AA. There's a whole lot of else AA going on out there cuz basically for us AA is our home group, you know, and I I need to know that I'm connected.
Need to know that. In fact, it was very funny getting so sober in uh South Carolina. Uh uh they were all retired sergeant majors.
There's a little place there called Fort Jackson. It's a basic training center, which meant all the old-timers were retired sergeant majors. Then these were people who didn't care about your feelings.
They never had a feeling. Why should you? They went through WW2 without a feeling.
Why should you? And they just love little college white educated boys like myself, you know, suburban. I was chairing one day and some little guy stuck his little bony finger in my chest and he went, "Steve, if it's your mother's fault you're drinking, why ain't she waking up sick?
I haven't got an answer yet. For 21 years, I've tried to come up with an answer. And if I ever do, I'm going to dig that guy up.
This is why. Cuz listen guys, I blame my mother for my And it had something. Yeah.
I Why? Let me just say this. I'm very interested in why.
I love why. Why? Why?
Why? Why? Why?
Why? Why? Aa is kind of an anti-why group.
Don't ask why. You don't need to know why. Bill Wilson didn't know why.
Dr. Bob didn't know why. Lois knew why.
It's an Allenon question, you know, and I, you know, great, if you don't need to know why, God bless you. You probably have a more sane like me. I love to know why.
Why? Why? Why?
Why? Why? Why?
But you know what? Why I drank does me no good while I'm drinking. Why you're drinking why will do you no good on sobriety.
You can explore why all you want. And I have lots of reasons. Probably growing up in an alcoholic.
I love people that say, now I always understand people who say there's no alcohol in my family. Don't know how I'm an alcoholic. And people like me that say alcohol all over the family, I guess that, you know, I got it, you know.
But the ones I never understand is, "Yeah, everybody in my family was an alcoholic. Has nothing to do with my alcoholism." Oh, so apple trees don't make apples. What the hell is that about?
Of course it has something to do with my alcoholism. I'm not blaming anybody. You know, my mother solved her problems like doing this.
I'm a little kid. I'm not stupid. I do this.
See, that's I'm an alcoholic, guys. I take 4 12 ounces of ethyl alcohol. It goes down my throat.
It hits my stomach and the sun rises. It paralyzes my legs. It comes up my chest.
It flushes my face. It goes out my fingers. And every pore in my body goes, "Ah, You're jonesing, aren't you?
Your sphincter's a little tighter. Little sweat on your lip. Cuz you know what I did?
I woke him up, didn't I? Ah. Ah.
Yeah. A I know it's an a meaning. Let's get the hell out of here and go find ah.
He talk to you. He talks to me all the time. He talks to me all the time.
You're a very good person. You're a very good person. You have just one drink.
You have just one drink. One drink. Let's just have one drink.
Let's have one drink. Let's What's a Zema? What is a Zema?
Zema, the only drink I've seen fascinate old-timers. L seen an oldtimer talking to a newcomer. Newcomer, show me how to do the steps.
Okay. You tell me about Zema. I'll show you the steps.
All right. Okay. Okay.
No, Zema. Let's Let's have a non-alcoholic beer. Now, I don't have any opinion about that.
I guess plenty of people drink them. I don't You're sober if you want to be. I don't drink them.
I don't drink them because for me to drink a non-alcoholic beer is for me to go to a house of prostitution just to listen to the piano player. See, I'm going to tell myself I'm just going for the Bach, the Mozark. I'll get a room.
Okay. So, so you know, now if you're new, he talks to you just a little differently than he talks to me. He says things like I really I just think we should listen to her the whole hour.
We'd be much better off. Okay. Cool.
She's just cool. And you know what I love about that? And and this is not only being an alcoholic, but coming in an alcoholic home.
And my mother was a wonderful woman when she wasn't drinking. You know, she doesn't have to worry about giants being intoxicated in her world. You know, they say one thing about kids who grow up in alcoholics homes.
They would lie when it's just as easy to tell the truth. You know why we do that? You do not tell a drunk giant anything they don't want to hear.
Drunk giant tells you that 2 and 2 equals 5, you tell them two and two equals 5. is you the only thing you're trying to do is not get hurt, you know, and I heal. I heal, you know.
I have my mother died of alcoholism and I heal every time I see a child give their mother a cake. You know, my father abandoned the family. My biological father, I heal every time I see a father come back to the family.
And and I know I've had a spiritual experience because without it, if your mother gave you a cake and my mother didn't give me one, I'd sit there and go, "How come their mother gets to do it?" And yet, when your mother does it, it is like my mother. And I can't explain that to you. You got to stay here.
One day you're going to get sober and somebody's going to come in the meeting and they're going to get a year and you're going to be in your seat and you're going to be as happy for them as if it was you. It's not your best friend. It's not just somebody that you care about.
And all of a sudden, you're going to realize, I never felt that before. My whole life I just never felt something for somebody else that had nothing to do with me. New freedom, new happiness.
And we could we could benefit from her coup. And she coups cuz she's safe. She's safe in this room.
You know, I love kids in a meetings. They just run to all of you. They've never heard your fist.
You know, they think god. So, as I tell you this, uh, so Alcoholics as being the rigid, most rigid organization in the world. I I digress a lot, but I went to Lockin.
They give out chips, right? They give out a 30-day chip. There's a nice lady down front.
She's 42, 43. She's got 29 days. She raises her hand, says, "I don't have 30 days, but can I I got 29.
Can I take a chip a day early?" You'd have thought she farted. Oh my god, these people went crazy. No, you can't take a chip cuz we'll have grasshoppers and plagues and boils and we'll all die and it'll be horrible if you take a chip one second early.
This from a group of people who went out for a pack of cigarettes Halloween in costume. Didn't show up till January 3rd. Still in costume, you know, snappy little nun on the front and hooker on the back outfit.
That one seemed very rigid and so I told that story. guy told me he was in a clubhouse like this. This only happened.
And they were trying to run the clubhouse by the traditions and they were trying to figure out whether to put a soda machine in the clubhouse. Now, they argued about this for 6 hours. And any of you have ever been on an AA committee know what I'm talking about.
They have a saying in a AAA, if you love everybody, you haven't been going to enough meetings. I've expanded that. If you love everybody, you're going to enough meetings and you haven't been on enough committees.
So, finally, pro contra Contra. they'd vote, you know, and they go, "Okay, we can have a soda machine." And now this guy who's like the kind of alcoholic I love raises his hand and says, "Mr. Chairman, there is an issue we have not discussed." The chairman goes, "What?" He says, "I like Pepsi." And he knew what was going to happen.
The chairman was going to come out because now he knew another six hours. Pepsi, Coke, Acan, New York, Bill, Bob, you know, it was just going to go on forever. So, if you're new, I suggest next time you this group, you get on the picnic committee and next time you're there and then you get and the committee meeting goes and then you go, you raise your hand and you go, "Mr.
Chairman, Mr. Chairman, I'd like to move the picnic tables over there this year. I'll tell you what's going to happen.
It's going to get very quiet." And the oldest of the old-timers is going to get up on their 4'2 height in their walker and go, "We don't move the picnic tables here at the Parammont Speakers Group. Bill Wilson had potato salad right there. Dr.
Mark broke a little wind right over there. You know, it's good enough for them, it's good enough for you, young. Most rigid organization on the face of the earth.
Having 21 years, I'm not an oldtimer. I'm just in the oldtimer training program where they teach you to say things like, "Didn't have 12 steps when I got sober. Had 39.
Didn't have chairs. We sat on rocks. didn't have coffee.
We drank fungus. Very hard program. Let me just tell you something if you're new.
This is the greatest time in the history of AA to be a member of AA. Okay? I am tired of being places where it was better before I got there.
Apparently, this country was better before I was born. Right? Apparently, AA's AA's golden age has not passed.
These are your good old days. There were benefits then and there are benefits now. You know, but this is the greatest time in the history of AA to be a member of AA.
And the very same program that was in Akran in 35 is in this room tonight. And we use different language. Fake phrases come and go.
Issues is a phrase, you know, and uh but you know, in the 50s all the people in AA were having identity crisises, you know, we don't have those anymore. And it just comes and goes, but AA stays. AA stays.
And there's always people that will maintain it. I got to tell you, this is a great program. They do lie to you.
Uh, I just want to tell you they do lie to newcomers. I lie to newcomers all the time. They call me up.
Ring ring ring. 4:30 in the morning, right? Because they had the crisis at 9:00.
She broke his heart at 9:00, but he's going to do it on his own till 4:30. Then he needs to talk to me. And I sponsor really neat guys.
They say, "Well, how could I not fight with her so much?" And I say things like, "Well, I think if you don't say look the fight will go better." And they kind of look at me, not really believing I'm telling them the truth. They're kind of going, "You really? If I don't say look, bitch?" Well, really, it'll go better.
Really? I said, ' Don't talk about her mother either. It's not good.
And they go, "Well, if I don't say that, what should I say?" I said, "Maybe, look, honey, how about sweetheart? You're out of your mind. Stuff won't work." So, they call me up at 4:00 in the morning.
Me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my they they they me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my they they they they me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my they they they and if you're new, do not feel bad. That's every alcoholic in this room. I would love to videotape everybody when they come into AA so when they speak in the international we show on the big big screen me my my my being taped then I won't mention that person's name but you know but there are people people who've been here recently wouldn't you like to see them even maybe this afternoon me my my my cuz it was all of us it was all of us.
So, here's what I do. Me, me, me, my my my they they they won't they won't invite me to the party I don't want to go to. Me, me, me, my my there.
I go read page um 19. Click. I don't know what's on 19.
Haven't read 19 in months. 10 minutes later, ring. Thank you so much.
19 saved my life. By God, you're the greatest sponsor on the face of the earth. Click.
So then I have to read 19, you know, find out what I said, so I can take a little credit for it. So this is how crazy this program is. The thing they don't explain to you here, and I'm going to do this very quickly.
For those you on tape, that pause was because the very tall and good-looking speaker walked away from the microphone. What are you laughing at? They're laughing because it's so true.
Anyway, all right. So they give you this god, right? We have this weird god.
My my grand my spiritual grandmother Alabama used to always say that. She said, "You're not a bad person trying to get good. You're a sick person trying to get well." Lie.
That's a big lie. Let me explain that to you. If you're not a bad person trying to get good, but just a sick person trying to get well, how come you got to do a moral inventory?
Last time I left, heart patients weren't doing moral inventories. Last time I left, people with sugar diabetes weren't going, "Fred, when you're out of town, I slept with ethyl. I won't do it anymore.
No, alcoholics do moral inventories because some of the stuff I did drink and I didn't mean to, was pretty crappy. And every once in a while, some of the stuff I do sober is pretty crappy, you know, and living with it will kill me. The wrongdoings of others, fancied or real, have the actual power to kill someone like me.
I will destroy my car, proving to you you can't tell me what to do. This is about nine. You know, they also say tell you there's no uh chiefs and alcoholics anonymous.
There's only Indians. That's a lie. This is what AA is.
Aa is all chiefs pretending to be Indians so they don't die with a big fat liver out to here cuz the physics are right now is this room is not big enough for the egos that are presently in this room. So, so they they give you all these four step. And you know, and I was going to say earlier, you know, we talked about that I only know how to bury buried underneath or or or dominate you.
See, one of the things I learned in the inventory, it says I only have basically four character def effects. Selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened. And I love that cuz it's so simple.
And I have a very complex world. And I like simple. Now, I'll tell you what dishonest means.
Dishonest means, you know, I lie. I wasn't there. I know you have videotapes.
Your sister was there, too, but I wasn't there. That's just But you know where else it's dishonest? You know also how I found out through the inventory process I'm you hurt my feelings.
You say something neither you mean to hurt my feelings or I think you do. And you know what I do? I just don't talk to you anymore.
I mean I'll say hello and how are you? But you're dead man walking. You're not leading my meeting.
You're not coming to my house. If I'm leading the meeting, your hand can freeze off if it's a participation meeting. You're not getting on the podium.
And you know how that's dishonest? I've never gone through talked to my sponsor, talked about the resentment, figured out what I need to do, and come to you and say, "Look, this bothered me. What can we do?" I never give you another chance.
You're just dead. And you know what? You can run out of people really quick that way.
I love people in a goes, I haven't got any time for people Then you have no time for anybody else, including yourself. Cuz all of us are incredibly full of kaka any amount of the day. That's what being a human being is.
Full of kaka a good deal of the day. You know, so I I we are perfect. We we are perfectly imperfect.
And that's what I hate. See, I have this thing in the back of my head. If I do the steps long enough, I'm going to get okay.
And in my case, this may not be your case. Cuz see, many of you thought you were too good for AA. That seems to be I really didn't think I was good enough.
I didn't think you'd let me in. I didn't think I could belong. You know, I never think I was good too good for A.
I just didn't think I could ever belong. And you you guys have done so much for that. But but you have this I'm just going to tell you a couple one one story.
Okay, this is this is that stinking rotten tent step because the hardest thing in the world is for an alcoholic to admit they're rude. You know, and it's really crazy. I talked to somebody about this tonight that was beating themselves up.
I said, "We have a program 12 steps." One of them says, "And when wrong right there on the board, it doesn't even like you can't go to any other church and win wrong." You know, you go anywhere, you know, and we got it right there. And when wrong, not like if when cuz I'm wrong many times. And so here's something to do.
So I used to work at this church. I'd gone back to church because the dirty rotten sticking book suggested it. And uh it was and I usually do what the dirty rotten sticking book suggests.
And I was working there. And I was going to church on a Sunday, but it was football season. Even God doesn't go to church on Sunday and football season.
But I was going to go. Now there are only a couple legal drugs in AA. White sugar, caffeine, and tobacco.
I'm going to abuse those as long as I possibly can. And so what I don't but I like instant coffee. And that's what they got those churches instant.
So you know, I like to get that brewed. So, I stopped at 7-Eleven to put down and put down my 15 cents or 60 cents or whatever it is cuz I hate to wait in lines, right? The 13 item line is a place of great spiritual growth for us.
And so, and so I was walking out and as soon as I walk out, this guy was coming through the door and I realized, oh, I forgot to put my money down. And now this is Hollywood, right? So, I rolled down the window.
I goes, "I'm sorry, I forgot to put my money down." I gave it to him. He went already. He's pissing me off.
You know, I'm born in the country. I got booked cuz he's here 10 minutes. He's got a 7-Eleven, you know.
But I but but I'm just so ticked and you know the red veil came down and I was there before I was there and I got out of the car. I said just being kind of loving and all my fears. Hey, you come here.
He said something. I said something. He said something.
Cuz I realized this guy was accusing me of stealing. He didn't know I was an alcoholic. Sober 9 years.
You know, as I'm to church with dirty ground stinking normal people and I was trying to be good. He thought I stole this cup of coffee. Most important thing in the world.
He not think I steal this cup of coffee. He said something. I said something.
Finally, I couldn't get away. I pulled the alcoholic trump card. I want to talk to the manager.
He said, "I'm the manager. Now I'm screwed." Okay. So, I want to kill him for this.
So, I go back to my car. Now, on the front seat of my car is my Bible. Now, I have a prop.
More dangerous than a drinking alcoholic. It's an alcoholic with a prop. I get my Bible.
I go back in that store. He's on the other end. He looks I say, "Hey, you." He turns around and I go, "I told you I didn't steal that cup of coffee." Obviously, I did not call my sponsor.
There was no cell phones. And his eyes get big around and he goes, "Oh yeah, crazy man has nice leather books. That's nice.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye." So I go to church and the dirty rotten stinking pastor's telling something like a dirty rotten stinking a and I know I got to work the dirty rotten stinking tent step or die with a big fat liver out to here. He's going to be 24 hours I don't have.
Apologize. Give me 48 hours. It's your fault.
And I will die if I do not promptly. So I drive back to that 7-Eleven. I walk in there, you know.
I walked out 6'8. I walk in 4'6. Lollipop killed.
the lollic kill, you know. His eyes get big around. He goes, "Oh, crazy men back.
I must have done something very bad in previous life. Bad karma." And I walked up to him and I've said what I've said a million times in sobriety. I'm sorry for saying what I said the way I said it.
He said, "That's all right. Don't worry about it." Now, I used to go to that church. I used to sit around with him.
His name was Sam. Like his baby wife was having a baby every other day. But we'd sit around and drink 7-Eleven coffee and scratch and lie to each other.
And I had a relationship with Sam cuz I was an alcoholic who worked the dirty rotten stinking 10step whether I wanted to or not. And one and one equals three. He was no longer just the guy that sold me my coffee at 7-Eleven.
He was Sam because I was out of line and I did what the program suggested. And my father died in my first year of sobriety. The greatest man I've ever met.
And I could not care for it was fun in that room. Care for him. And I I I didn't have the amend to make.
And I used to go to county general. But one day there was a guy in there that looked just like my dad and I was able to make that a man because one and one equals three. I don't know what you're carrying.
It's so bright. But if you give it to your daddy, I know guys whose kids still won't talk to them and they have hundreds of sons and alcoholics and uncles. And the mothers who have daughters, brothers who have sisters, uncles, this is a wonderful family to have and your father will never let you down if you're really trying.
I I really appreciate you asking me here. Uh 21st question on 20 questions. If you're opening a fifth, do you throw away the top?
Then you're an alcoholic. Last story, third step story. This is the kind of God we have here.
Drunk's on his way home. He's sick. He's hurting.
He's been on a run. On his way home, he runs into God. God's got something in his hand.
The drunk goes, "What's that?" God goes, "This? This is sobriety." And the drunk goes, "Oh man, I'm hurting. I need that.
How much does it cost?" And God goes, "Well, how much you got?" And the drunk goes, "Well, I got about $50." And God goes, "Okay, for you sobriety costs $50." And the drunk trying to back out of the deal goes well. If I give you all $50, I won't have any gas for my car. And God goes, "Oh, you have a car.
Sobriety is going to cost you your car." And well, if I give you my car, how am I going to get my job? God, oh, you have a job. You have a job.
Sobriety's going to cost you your job. He said, "Well, if I give you that, how am I going to fit my house?" He says, "You have a house? I thought you were in the cardboard box down by the railroad tracks." "No, no, no.
Sobriety cost you your house." He said, "Well, if I give you that, what about my wife and my kids?" "A family. You have a family. No, no.
Sobriety cost you your family. The drunk goes, "Well, if I give you all that, what good is my life?" And his father looks at him and says, "That's right." Yeah. Thank you.
That's an amen. Sobriety cost you your life. And because the drunk is at that magic moment of surrender, he's willing to give his daddy his car and his house and his wife and his kids and his job, his money, his life.
His father looks him in the eye and says, "All right, I'll give you sobriety now. I'm going to give you money back. It's not your money anymore.
my money, but you get to spend it on me. Give your car back. It's not your car anymore.
It's my car. You get to drive it for me. Give your job back.
It's not your job anymore. It's my job. You get to work it for me.
Give your home back. It's not your home anymore. It's my home.
You're going to live in it for me. Give your family back, but based on your behavior, they have a right never to talk to you again. But I'm giving them back to you because it's not your family.
It's mine. And you're going to take care of them for me. I give you your life back.
And it's never your life ever again. It's my life. But you're going to live it for me.
That's the deal that a loving guy creates with every alcoholic in this room and they're just willing enough to turn over something they could never manage in the first place. Thanks for letting me share. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise.
If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.