Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. If you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-rise.com.

Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Hi everybody.

My name is Susan D and I'm an alcoholic. >> My name is Susan D. I'm a very stiff alcoholic.

Um I want to apologize in advance for if I knock you in the head or step on your toes or anything. I had surgery a few weeks ago and I'm pleased to announce that it's not the result of a drunken mishap. Um I just had to get some some things done on my I've been sober by the grace of a very loving God since September 9th, 1997.

For that I am truly grateful and I just have to tell you I feel like a really big deal with this water up here. This is really nice. Um I want to thank the committee for having me.

I'm very honored and just thrilled to get to be here with you and thrilled to get to make new friends. So, thank you whoever was responsible for that. Um, I always feel the need in the beginning to go ahead and apologize upfront because the the first part of my story is tough for me to say and it's tough to hear.

Most of the time, everyone's looking at the floor in the beginning because they don't quite know where I'm going with this and I understand that. Um, but I just want to tell you that I don't know how to um truly describe the miracles that God has done for me without telling you what I was like when I came to this program. So, stick close together and hold hands and we'll be all right.

I was born to a a very sick mom and dad, crazy sick, um, very abusive, very dysfunctional family. And I mean like way dysfunctional. In fact, Laura wasn't kidding when she said she almost drank when she heard my fistep problem.

Um I we we lived a life I had three older siblings and I was the youngest and I was the worst type person to be born in that kind of family because I was very and still am very sensitive. Got my feelings hurt easily. I cried if a bug died, you know, it just wasn't it wasn't a good match for this group.

And so I had lots and lots of tragedy in my life and and on top of that to be it I was just extremely sensitive and it really I believe destroyed my life and truly believed that there was no hope for ever being happy. And most people that I encountered through this journey joined me in that belief. If I just threw out one little little tidbit of information they're like you're screwed.

You know I don't know what to tell you. But um I I didn't go to school very often because I was too beat up to go to school. I was on this kind of homeschool thing.

And um I I started I don't have a first drink story. I don't have a time in my life I don't remember drinking. My father gave me alcohol because he thought it made me more cooperative when he crept into my room.

Um, I went to school once and I was I was walking funny and I had like stuffed paper towels down my pants and was walking funny and the teacher called my mom and we told her I had a foot condition. We were always lying. Hell, I didn't even know what the truth was.

We just made up stuff all the time and we could rattle those lies off like you would not believe it. So, my mom started giving me Valium so that I could walk across the room without drawing any attention. Now, I thought these were the reasons I was an alcoholic.

So, I thought in order to not be an alcoholic, I had to make those reasons not be. Well, I would be screwed if that were the the way you got sober because I can't make those things not be. They're always going to be.

Um, when I was 8 years old, I don't know exactly what happened, but my father was arrested for sexually abusing me and he got out on bail and my brother and I came home from school and found him shot in the head and like and he had written this note and it said that he knew it was time to to quit when his own little girl turned against him. And I took that and I put it down in my pants because I was afraid if someone read it, I would go to jail. I took responsibility for for everything like that.

And um I had an older brother who also committed suicide and a mother who committed suicide. And I just I just need to tell you if you ever go in a psych hospital, you might want to not mention that because they will take your shoelaces right off the bat. That is a big red flag when you go in there.

But um >> >> I when I was little um we had this thing that my parents called bad girl jail and there was a a thing cut out of the floor and it was underneath the house and I would be in there for I don't even know how long it seemed like forever and bugs and yuck and gross and I would do this thing where I would pretend this whole story in my mind about when I grew up when I grow up I'm going to have a nice house it's going going to have wood floors and a garage door that goes up and down. I was fascinated by that. It's going to have big trees.

I'm going to have lots of friends who I love and who love me back. And I would just for hours just go through this whole thing, this pretend thing in my mind. And the most important pretend thing I said was I was going to be a mother.

And in my house, no child would be afraid or would be hurt or would ever have to walk around in fear. And we would be they'd be safe and happy. you know, just go on and on.

So, I was a very good student, luckily, because I'd probably not be standing here. I'd been killed if I hadn't been, but I was a very good student. And I got through school easily and quickly and graduated from high school before I could drive.

I went to college, got lots of master's degrees. That was my plan was to fix myself by by going to schools. I'd learn whatever I needed to do to fix it.

So, um, I always felt the need to apologize when I first started telling my story. I always felt the need to apologize because I was never arrested or went to jail and I would and like somehow that I wasn't qualified to be here. Um, so I just need to go ahead and own that right off the bat.

I haven't been to prison, but um, I have actually gone to jail. And this is an important thing to to tell you because it it really does describe the kind of person that I was. Um I wrote hot checks.

I know that's a shock to many of you, but I wrote hot checks. And one time I had to go to this place called Lerret to pick up a hot check. I didn't even know what that was.

Just to show you how ignorant I was that was jail. And so I got there, I thought I would like take care of it at the desk and be be finished. And and she said, "No, you have to be processed through jail." And I cried so loud and so hard that they sent me to the jail nurse.

I didn't even know they had a jail. And she said, "Are you on medication?" And I said, "Yes." And I started listing all these anti-depressants that I was on. And do you know that I got to sit in the hall?

They never even make me go in that cell. I got to sit in the hall. And that is a perfect example of how I got what I needed and what I wanted.

I never fought with people. I in my lifetime only have one memory of ever even raising my voice at a person. I wasn't violent.

I was I didn't scare people in that way. But I did get what I wanted and what I thought I needed. But I did it through the back door by being real pitiful and by by giving the impression that any minute now I could just fall to pieces and you all better be real careful and walk around on eggshells.

Now, I managed to do that without telling anybody any specific reason why. I just everybody just knew that there was something and it must be big and I was real fragile. And the the most pathetic part of that is that is also where I got my significance in this world is I thought that that's what made me significant was all that yuck drama trauma was all I had that I thought made me important.

Now that's a bad day, guys. But that's what I thought. And even as I tell you about this being pitiful, I need to also tell you that that was not intentional.

At the time, I wasn't even aware that I was doing it. Um, it was the gift of this program and these steps that showed me those things, but at the time I didn't know that. I am also a drug addict and recovered bulimic.

I'm I respect the AA traditions. I am going to stick with my alcohol, but those were also a very big part of my life. Um, I was I've been in treatment center.

I've been in therapy 11 years and really had a lot of resentment about therapy when I did my fourth and fifth step. But and then when I got to that fourth column, I was aware that it does help to mention something about the truth and and all that. And you know, I couldn't say whether it would help or not because I had never ever said a true word.

Um, I have I worked in the field of mental health, which I think is pretty ironic now, but um, I I did diagnostic testing for children and I worked in a sight hospital that's called the blind, leading the blind and I was real good friends with the med nurse and just really this whole time all the stuff this stuff I never I always had a good job. I always made a good living. all those things.

Only thing I ever wanted was a child. That's it. That's all I ever wanted.

And I just wanted to to be a good mother and to somehow fix all that. And I distinctly remember when I was in this bad girl jail praying. And it was the only time in my life that I ever remember even having an unselfish thought.

And I chalk that up to the innocence and preciousness of childhood that I had. I prayed to God that if I were going to be the kind of parent that my parents were, that he'd not give me a child. And if you consider how much I wanted one, that was a truly unselfish prayer.

Um, so I became in the hospital and the treatment centers and in therapy the the therapist real quick and learned how to maneuver the whole group. Nobody really asked me much because either I'd start teetering on a big spell and everybody get nervous or I would kind of throw it to another person because I knew how to do that. I was very manipulative and I knew through my schooling how to do things like that.

I mean, I I'll have to just go, I'm wondering what you're what's going on with Patty today. And then the we'd all be off on what's going on with Patty today. And um when I first heard about this program that there there's this selfishness and self-centerness and this ego, I was I laughed out loud because I never believed that I had any of that.

I certainly didn't think I had a big ego for the love of God. If you can't even look in the mirror, how can you have a big ego? But what God showed me was when I was constantly thinking of myself, I was thinking you were laughing at me and you were making fun of me and you were like there were talking mean about me and if I walked across the room, the whole place was looking at me and trying to figure out what it was.

And people really weren't that interested in me. I mean, but I thought they were. And I never drank in public in front of anyone unless I was on an airplane.

This is logic. Because once you got up in the air, no one was coming on. So if I could look around and I didn't know anybody, I'd start drinking.

I mean, and I also never started to drink until I knew I was almost where I was going because I also knew that once I started, I was not going to stop. Okay. Check.

If when drinking you have little control over the amount you take, check. You are probably an alcoholic. Okay.

I never and this is this is the part that's so amazing to me. I never went one day before I got sober without drinking ever. And I mean, we're talking through treatment centers.

There's ways, as you some of you know, there are ways to do those things. Um I when I was in the Texas girls choir, we would go on a summer tour and we all had to dress alike and so they checked your luggage to make sure you had the checklist of things. Well, I couldn't put Jack Daniels in the luggage.

So that was the only time that I didn't have alcohol accessible to me. And I didn't I would drink people's toiletries and they're like I drank someone's compound Wart remover. that is not right.

And I I knew something was very wrong. And I had no idea I was always helping people look for things like and if if you know there was a common denominator. I was somehow always around when the perfume was missing or and you know I had no idea that I had a physical craving for alcohol and once I put it in my body I had to have more.

I thought I swear to you I thought there was something about the smell of that that I just had to have it. And so I mean like I I didn't understand why my hands would start shaking. I'd be like, "God dang, where's that smell?

I got to find something." And I mean this is but I intuitively knew that this was not normal. And I knew that it wasn't a good idea to say I'm sorry it was me that drank the compound W. So, I just had this big charade and be loyal with everybody.

Um, I I truly don't remember ever speaking a true word in my life. Everything I said was a lie. Everything I did was a lie.

Everything about me was a lie. I had this whole pretend life that I could rattle off without a second thought. Um, we told everybody that my dad died of cancer.

To this day, I forget. And I found the man. I mean, it's really um and you know, alcoholism is a progressive disease.

And anybody that believes there are things that they would never do truly don't yet have an understanding of how progressive this disease is. Because I'm going to tell you something. I've spent my entire adult life in service to children.

God gave me a heart for children. I mean, I just they can walk across the room and I get all weepy. I just really I have spent my life in service to them and have always been able to care for them and and educate them from a God-given gift.

And if you had ever told me that I would say or do anything to jeopardize a child, I would have laughed at you. But this disease steals from us and it will steal from you. That's the only thing that I thought was decent about me and this disease will steal everything from you, even the very last thing you consider to be decent about yourself.

Well, I managed to get through and and you know, here's the other thing. These I can tell you so many times that I would be laying there and so drunk. This is before I started having blackouts, which I called not paying attention, but I and and I would be all drunk and have eaten all these pills and just knowing I was about to die.

And I would pray and I would say, "God, if you will wake me up tomorrow, I swear to you, I will never do this again." And I'd be in the same place doing the same thing the next night. But the truth is, I really did mean that when I said it. And I have heard so many people say, "Well, they just hadn't had enough fun yet and they hadn't hit rock bottom yet." That is not true.

I had had enough fun. I I totally knew several times in my life to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic and that I was screwed and truly truly wanted to be better. But I had no tools.

I had no map to get there. So I'd get there. I'd do I mean I'd have a big surrender and then but the problem with that is the the book says after you've done your th next we launched into a course of vigorous action.

I wasn't launching anywhere. I didn't know where to launch. So there I'd be and then, you know, the next day I'd think, well, I must not want it bad enough.

And that wasn't true. I did want it bad enough. And I knew I was hurting everybody around me.

I lied to everybody. My family, the biggest lie of all is, I'm only hurting myself. How many of you have said things like that?

and my mom after she killed herself and my brother and sister and I, there were three of us left and we were in the funeral home crying and hugging each other. We all promised each other that we would not do that to each other. It's too hideous.

It's just it's it's a very very difficult thing to to live through. We we swore to each other and I meant it then. I swore like everybody else that we would never do that.

If loving somebody could make you sober, I would have been sober because I could not have loved those people more. They they were my whole life. And if if just I didn't, you know, if I just loved them more, I that's not what it is.

I couldn't have loved them more. I just didn't have the I didn't have a launching thing to go to. Um I had been to AA.

I was horrified that anyone should imply that I ought to go there because I would not admit to alcoholism because I don't know what in my mind I thought that was worse than bulimia and drug addiction. I don't know why. So I fess on up to those things but I would held on to the alcoholism and I actually I admitted to those things because I got caught doing them and I really had no choice up to this point.

I hadn't got caught till I started doing my mens and then I found out everybody knew anyway. But at this time, I didn't think anybody knew. Um, eventually my disease progressed to the point that I couldn't make it through the day without drinking.

And you really can't have a big drink in the psych unit of a hospital. They frown on that. So, I couldn't get through the day anymore.

I used to have a fine time just doing working really hard and doing a great job. And then I knew on my way home what was going to happen. That mental obsession, where am I going to get it?

Where am I going to be? How much? Where do I have it?

That's all that was going on in my mind. You know, you don't I didn't have the ability to look out there and help anybody because for the love of God, I was too busy trying to figure out and make sure you weren't laughing at me and figure out where my booze was and when I was going to get it, how I was going to get it. And I had to stop by and do this and that.

So, I never ever thought much about what you might need from me. And if I did think you needed something, I certainly didn't think I had anything to help you with. Have you ever heard that I can't even help myself?

Um, it's funny because the only way you're going to help yourself is to help somebody else. But, you know, I didn't get that at the time. And I just distinctly remember in therapy making a choice at one time because there was like this road.

I saw those steps on the the wall and it looked like a little too much like taking responsibility to me. And then there was this other road where we could all sit around and talk about everything anybody had ever done to us. And that I voted for that in the beginning.

And I kid you not, you know how I don't know. I'm sure at least half this room's been in a treatment center that you you had to write things and read them out loud. Anybody ever had to do that?

Um I could write things that would make you weep, but they weren't ever true. But uh there was a doctor that worked at the hospital that I worked at who was have gonna have a baby and she asked me if I would if they would match my salary. Her and her husband were both very successful, busy doctors that they would match my salary if I would come and work for them and take care of their baby.

Well, hey, that sounded like a perfect deal because I could no longer go all day without drinking and I was going to get caught drinking in that psych hospital pretty soon. I knew I was, you know, all those things you think I'll drink vodka cuz it doesn't smell, you know, all that stuff. And so I said yes.

And so by this time I had been abused so badly that I had to have a complete hyctomy. I was very young and that was a very bad day for me because I felt like I threw in the trash the only thing I'd ever wanted in my life. So I thought, okay, God is putting in front of me a chance to be a mother.

not thinking, okay, hello, this was not my child, but it's what I needed. So, I jumped right in there. And from the day that little baby came home from the hospital, for almost three years, I was her pretty much her sole her sole caregiver.

And I couldn't have possibly loved that child anymore had she been my biological child. Her parents were very busy doctors and they had hobbies and they were gone all the time. And I could drink and do the thing I wanted more than anything and pretend to be this child's mother.

And she she was as attached to me as you could be attached to your mother. And that is the time that I started having blackouts. And I don't even remember the month of August.

We we I have 11 nieces, nephews, and godchildren. And they like seven of them are have a birthday in August. We went to every single one of those birthdays and I have absolutely no memory of it.

And this is what this disease did to me. I drove that baby around in my car in total blackouts. I would be rocking her and almost drop her.

I would be so passed out that I couldn't have possibly heard her had she needed me. And you know this thing about your rock bottom. I'm sure there are people in this room that can come up with a much bigger story of what their rock bottom is.

But when you get that far away from what you believe is right, you're in trouble. Because that was about as far away as I could get from what I believed to make me a decent person. I may as well have been killing people every day.

That's I mean it was what I believed and what I believed to be right and what I did were not in they weren't congruent at all. And I hated myself. I mean I slept with all my clothes on in case I had to get out.

I don't even know what I thought I was getting out of. I mean I'm talking socks, shoes, the whole bit. Just in case I That's the way I live my life.

any day this whole thing's going to fall on top of me. I was afraid to look in the mailbox cuz it might be in there. I don't know what it was, but it might be coming in there.

Or if I heard sirens, I'd be here it is. I'm going to the penitentiary right now. I mean, I was afraid of everything.

And if you told me that you loved me, I didn't feel that. I thought if you really knew, you would not be saying that. I never felt loved by anybody.

The men that I dated, you could be the biggest killer in the world. And if you said something nice to me, you look better to me right away. If I did have some clarity at one time and thought, you know, I'm either going to have to buy a helmet and learn to tuck and roll or I've got to start making some different choices.

This is not right. I I mean if there was a a decent man around me that showed manners like opened a door, I thought he was like some kind of god that he would do that. I mean this you just don't get any worse than that.

And you, it's so ego-driven and so self-absorbed to believe that I had that much significance that like tonight, I'd think you guys would all have a meeting later to talk about me. YOU KNOW, YOU'VE GOT THINGS TO DO HERE. You're going to go sing and go out in the lake, but I sure was sure you were all meeting about me.

Um, by the grace of God, I got fired. First time I'd ever been fired from anything. And I got fired because they knew.

They found out. They'd call at night. I'd be slurry.

You know what we do. And I left that house. They had to pry that child off of me.

She was screaming and crying. That is That was so painful that I have a hard time even calling it to my memory. I felt that was the end for me.

So, I forgot about that promise I made. And listen to this. This is the epitome of selfishness and self-centerness.

I went to my sister's house and I ate every pill I could find and I drank all the booze I could find. And I laid down on her bed to die because I didn't want to die by myself. Oh, that's nice.

I didn't think she's got five children and she's going to come in here and find me dead just like I have had to do before. and I I was too selfish. They'll be better off, you know, all that stuff.

And obviously, I didn't die. She came in and found me and I ended up in the hospital. And by this time, nobody was interested in what I wanted to do or what I thought was a good idea.

Again, I'm there. I'm conceding to my innermost self, I'm screwed. Help me.

Help me. I meant it. Meant it.

But I had nowhere to launch. Okay. I could I could tell you word for word I could say how it works.

Rarely have we seen a person fail I could do the whole thing because you know you do that every day when we were but it didn't mean anything to me. I did not connect that that meant I was supposed to do something. We were just all going to recite that at the beginning and um so I my family sent me to a place and and they the hospital she had to sign an affidavit that she would not leave my sight for her to get me out of that hospital.

I was like some killer. She had to I mean we had to go on the airplane and she had to be right there with me the whole time. And my sister's very rule oriented which I have no concept of but she tells somebody she's going to do something that's what she does.

And so I went to a treatment center there and I came in and I went to a thing called big book study and I thought oh Jesus you know where's the therapy? That's what I need. My case is different.

you know, I do not need the same treatment plan that you do. I've never been to jail. I've never, you know, I've had all these horrific experiences.

Somebody's got to come up with a different treatment plan for me. And here's the interesting thing. This was my fourth treatment center.

And every time before now, everybody in that place joined me in that belief. And I had had special accommodations everywhere I went because nobody wanted me to have that big spell I was teetering on at any moment. Um, this time I I went to big book study and I was late because when you have issues, you're late to things, you know.

SO, so I came dragging in there and there was this man who looked mean up there. He had a patch on his eye and he was yelling and swearing and and he looked me right in the eyes and said, "Susan, big book study starts at 9:00." He was obviously misinformed. I was so offended.

And that man terrified me because the little bit that I heard him talking about sounded a lot like that stuff on the wall and it sounded a little bit too much about taking responsibility. And everyone certainly knew that because of my history, I couldn't possibly do those things. So I went to my counselor and I said, "There's something about that man.

I don't know what it is, but it reminds me of something." And everybody got nervous. They all thought, "Oh, God." So I got permission to not go to that group. So that was the first time I'd ever heard a little glimmer of what you needed to do to get sober.

And I turned my back and I walked away from it. And so I I was writing a letter that said goodbye to alcohol and drugs. And it was beautiful.

It made you weep. It was very pretty. And when I finished that letter, I knew right then I I'm not going to say goodbye to alcohol and drugs.

I will have something to drink before this day is over. And so I tried to kill myself. And let me tell you something, they frown on that in treatment centers.

I mean, they may as well have put liability right here across my forehead. I mean, I used to work in those places. They do not like when people do that.

And this time, it was the real thing. Like, they had those paddles and we're going, you know, that stuff. It was bad.

And I like was really pretty much dead. I'd been dead a long time spiritually. But so I'm again in the um intensive care unit and I can remember exactly.

I couldn't move because if I moved my heart would start fibrillating or whatever that's called. And so the woman in the that was sitting about as close to my new friend as you are would say, "Please don't move, Miss Style." And I couldn't do anything. So I just had to lay there.

And I kept looking at the door waiting for my family to come rushing in. And I'd look and nobody's coming. I'd wait look a little more.

Nobody's coming. They brought a phone in. I called my sister and she said, "I will be just fine without you because I have my family and I can I'll be just fine without you." Just devastated me.

How could she say this to me? This is somebody that I walked through together. We walked through a living hell.

She was and how could she say that? But you know, you can provoke someone to a point that they have no other option but to detach from you. And that's what I had done.

I had scared her. I'd put her on a roller coaster my her whole life and she was done. And today I understand that.

And I said out loud in that bed, "God, you're going to have to come down here cuz I don't know what to do anymore." The word anymore cracks me up today cuz I never knew what to do in the first place. But I was I was all out of ideas. So I they sent me to another place.

This is like my dream come true. Somebody finally thought I was crazy. I'd been trying for this for a long time.

And here I was. I was in a place that they were really crazy. And I'd been there 10 minutes and a lady came walking down the hall in my night gown.

I mean, they were not right. And I didn't know what to do. So, I like French braided their hair and um I taught them little songs and um and that I thought I was like God told me you could this could be your life forever.

And the sick part of it is there was a part of me that was attracted to that. Talk about no responsibility. I can just lay around and be crazy all the time.

But I got bored with crazy. That was my problem. I try it for a while and I'd get I've tried every diagnosis in that book and I get bored with it and I don't really have it.

So I was there for 11 days and every single day I was there, I called this other place where this mean guy was and asked and begged for them to let me come back because I knew in my spirit that there was something that that man had that I needed and that was the reason I wanted to go back and they weren't going to let me come back. liability. Remember, you need a more specialized program.

And there I used to be flattered by statements like that. But all of a sudden, for the first time in my life, I was trying to not act crazy. I was like the roar shock test.

I was talking about rainbows and moon beams and stuff, you know, and just trying as hard as I could to seem stable. And God, you know, like I kind of steered away from blood and death and stuff because those are when they get nervous. And I'd try all these little cheerful things that those blotss meant to me when they'd hold them up.

Well, here's the here's the miracle of one of many that I can't explain, but on the 11th day when I called that hospital, they told me I could come back. You go explain that. I don't know.

It's a gift and I just accept it as a gift. So, I went back there. Now, here we are.

Here is a person who is ready to do anything. You tell me what to do and I will do it. And if you are like me and you have this little alcoholic mind and body, there is a window of time there that you have to tap into that.

And if you don't start taking some action, your ego will come right back. Here's my window of time. I would have done anything.

I came in there like the wrath of God. I had bruises all my arms from all these pills they would give me. I didn't have any shoelaces.

I couldn't pick my feet up because my shoes would come off. So I had to slide around like this. And for some reason that I still don't know why I had a key around my neck.

I don't even know why I had that. But I'm walking around there and I was not there 10 minutes that I started looking around and said, "I think I can help these people." You know, we could restructure this to where um see my ego started to come back. Gratefully for me, I also sat my butt on that front row and every day that I was there and I was there four months.

I used to be flattered by things like that. I needed to be there longer than everybody else. But um I sat on the front row and I listened and I placed myself in the same place that everybody else was and I started working these steps like the book says with the desperation of a drowning man.

And God, I was reborn. I can tell you this story today because I don't even feel like I'm talking about the same person. If you had told me that not only I was gonna tell somebody all that stuff, but I was gonna stand up and talk about it and be on a dad gum tape, there is no way I would have done that.

When I when I told for the first time, I hid under a blanket. I was so ashamed. And I kept checking and going, "Are you all right?" I mean, I truly thought those words were going to just pass.

Somebody's going to pass out. That's how much power I had given those things. And what I learned through this step is the most precious gift I have ever been given is it doesn't matter.

You don't have to deal with that to get well. What does that mean anyway? I spent so many years trying to deal with that and own it and taking the bubble baths and looking in the mirror and reciting things.

You know, I am a worthwhile child of God. Um And I, you know, if that's what made me an alcoholic, I have no hope because I can't make that not be. And if you had told me that those circumstances did not create my alcoholism, I would have been mad at you at one time.

But that's the best news of all because what that tells all of us, it doesn't matter what you've done or what anyone's done to you. That is not who you are and that does not it's not what's going to help you get well or not or keep you from getting well and all the stuff and when my sobriety is not contingent upon the behavior of other people otherwise you hear all that avoid your triggers. Oh, severed things a trigger to me.

I'd have to sit in the closet and lock the door. I couldn't go anywhere. You know, it's Groundhog Day.

Let's go. And that is not what this book says. This book says I can go anywhere on the face of this earth if I have a good reason to and I will be protected because I am walking safely in the grace of God today and I can sit anywhere.

I can be with anybody and you can totally lose your mind and act like a complete fool and I can still stay sober. Do you realize if this program were the way I thought it was, that would mean I'd have to make a list of all these people and go to them and say, "Would you straighten up so I can get well?" It isn't going to happen, you know. And the greatest gift that God, you know, the book says lack of power was our dilemma.

That is all I focused on. Oh, I'm so powerless. Let me tell you how powerless I am.

I'm so powerless. But that was our dilemma. if if we're going to walk in the solution, you don't have that dilemma anymore.

God gives you all kinds of power. Um I don't have a desire to drink today because I'm going to tell you something. If I had a desire to drink, I would be drunk.

There wouldn't be a power on this earth that could separate me from alcohol. And in five days, I'll be six years sober. And I am telling YOU I and the other thing once I started getting involved in a I thought because I heard a lot of stories of all these horrible things and then boom I got sober and I hadn't had a bad day since.

So the first time I ran into a you know the book says oh those certain trials and low spots ahead. The first time I ran into one of those, I thought, "Oh, dear God, I must be doing something wrong." Because, you know, everybody's perfect when they get sober. But I've had some bad days since that day.

You know, I've had some very powerful reminders of the bad old days. I've had to have surgeries and things because the direct result of being so abused as a child. And that would have been a great trump card for me at one time to start teetering on a big spell.

Oh, I'm remembering things. You know, I mean, really, that would I have had doctors look me in the eyes with tears in their eyes and say, "Somebody has hurt you really badly." I would one time would have wanted to write that man a check. That would have been a, you know, oh yes, I'm and I owe my life to that man and with the patch on his eye because he is the f it takes a lot of courage to tell someone like me the truth especially in a treatment center because let me tell you something if I had had a big breakdown which there was a big chance I would have there would have been that I somebody would have been pushing me too hard or you know all those things.

It takes a lot of courage for someone to look someone like me in the eye and tell me the truth. And I will be forever grateful for that day and several days following that. Since that day, let me just tell you this.

I am surrounded by people that when they tell me I love you, I believe them and I feel it. And I have the ability to for the first time to look up and reach out and give far beyond anything I've ever had the ability to do before. I live in a house that has wood floors and a garage door that goes up and down, lots of trees, and I have a four-year-old daughter.

I got to go to the Ukraine and and adopt a little girl that needed me just as much as I needed her. She was in an orphanage and we I got pictures so check with me. And my little girl doesn't have to be afraid and she doesn't have to walk around in fear because nobody's going to hurt her and nobody's going to mistreat her or put her in danger.

And I know that as long as I stay on this path, God has given me the ability to be a good mother to her. The fact that some adoption agency would even give me a child is not explainable. I mean, really, it's not.

The only explanation that I have is that I took myself out of this special group that I'd been trying so hard to be into, and I made myself work these steps just like everybody else. And today my significance comes from being an incredible miracle child of God. Not from bad awful things, but from the grace and the miracles that God has given to me.

And and to watch him give other people those miracles. I mean, this grace falls equally on all of us. The difference in me and somebody's who's hit their bottom isn't that they hadn't had enough fun yet.

It's that I had some tools and by the grace of God, I took those tools. There was a time I didn't have any and I wasn't responsible then. I didn't know.

But the minute I knew, I turned responsible. So if if you're still trying to decide whether or not to do this, I sure invite you to try it because God has changed me on a cellular level. And I there is not a situation that has I have had three major surgeries.

I've had to take pain medicine. That would have been a great one. Oh no, here I go.

God has given me people in my life to help me be accountable, to help me to walk through those times and stay sober and stay hopeful. And I want that for you, too. And I'm so grateful to have a chance to be here tonight.

Um I I need to go ahead and make amends now. if I step on your toes or anything. I'm still kind of stiff, but this has been such a gift for me.

And I'm so excited to meet these new friends. And um I've got pictures to show you, TOO. >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise.

If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day. >>