Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. We hope to always remain an ad-free podcast, so if you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-onrise.com.

Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Thank you, Craig.

At this time, I'm going to introduce our speaker to you. Uh little background how I met this guy. We do a retreat up in Vermont um quarterly when we can make it and uh I happen to meet him up there and uh listen to what he has to say and uh he makes me laugh and uh I thought he'd be a great speaker for you tonight to listen to Todd's story and uh so I'm going to introduce you to Todd from Keane, New Hampshire.

Please welcome him. Good evening. I'm an alcoholic and my name is Todd.

>> Wow. You know, I sat down when we were doing the countdown and I'm a numbers guy. And at 25 years or under, when people sat down, the rest of the people had more than 25 years.

I counted 18 heads. And if my 12th grade education is correct, that's over 450 years of sobriety with those guys alone. How powerful is that, huh?

>> That's pretty cool. You know, I'm never comfortable when it comes to speaking in front of a large crowd. Never.

And uh I was given some good advice from my late sponsor and he said to get down on your knees and say the serenity prayer. And so I did that prior to coming here. And I got comfortable.

Not like the two guys in the bathroom with me at the time. They were, you know, they got up and left real quick. But uh you know, I'm from Keen, New Hampshire.

My group is a Keen Original. Uh they were founded in 1947 and I'm glad that they were there when I needed them. You know, they had all the kinks worked out and uh cuz I did need them, you know.

Uh I was born to two parents in the Keen area, both blue collar workers. Neither of them drank excessively. you know, they were the one that like I can remember, I don't know, about 12 or so that they filled up the liquor cabinet and was going to have a New Year's Eve party and then came January 2nd and they had all these half bottles and I I couldn't understand that when I got older.

That that wasn't the way I drank, you know. I uh I drank to finish what I had and I drank to finish what you had, you know. And uh so I'll I'll I'll briefly qualify that uh you know I picked up my first drink when I was 14.

My buddy and I we grabbed a six-pack of low and brow tall brown bottles and we went out to the woods and we split that six-pack right down the middle. I drank four, he drank two. You know, that's the way I drank.

And I know today looking back I drank that fourth one with the thought that if I finish this a little bit faster maybe I'll score five in this deal. You know that is not a normal 14-year-old thinking. You know but I didn't know it back then.

Uh I didn't continue drinking alcoholically through high school but it consumed a lot of my time thinking about drinking and when are we going to do it next? And uh you know my yearbook if you were to look back at my four yearbooks when I went to Keen High School you would see the first few year you know I was in sports I did student government I was in photography class and you know I did all these things and then the last two years it dwindled down to junior librarian. I still haven't figured that one out but uh but yeah you know it it took over a lot of the things that I'd like to do.

Uh right out of high school I went into the service. I joined the United States Navy and I drank myself out of the United States Navy. You know, during boot camp at Great Lakes Illinois, about third week of boot of an eight-week boot camp, uh I was asked to help clean the officers quarters and uh it was a square building, six floors, and like the third floor was their mess area.

And they had these vending machines around the outside that you could put quarters in and get a beer. So, I went loaded with quarters and I cut holes in my peacacoat. And I had I looked like Rambo.

I had all these beer strapped around my waist inside my peacacoat. And I went back to the barracks and I proceeded to get drunk. And you know, they frowned on that.

Uh they frowned on me not wanting to wake up when the rely went off in the morning. Uh and they frowned on my actions and some of the words that I told my commanding officer and the base officer. And so long story short, uh you know, I was asked to leave the Navy and uh so I did and I came back home and I started working and I continued drinking.

Um, I am a guy that likes to go places when I'm drinking. I'm never happy where I am. And one of the things I like to do when I'm drinking is get in a vehicle.

Lo and behold, the state of New Hampshire, the state of Vermont, the state of Massachusetts, they all frown on that. And I believe every state in the union frown on that today. You know, I'm a I always find it funny that we alcoholics say we're drinking careers.

You know, we could have careers of drinking. Um, and in my drinking career, I would rack up five DWIs in three states. And, uh, you know, it's not something I'm proud of, but it's my story.

Um, I'll share my first DWI. I was 21, old enough to buy now. I had a Ford Galaxy 500.

It was painted like the Starin Hutch car, and I took it to a place outside of King called Peltos. Peltos is a butcher shop and the owner had a barn and he thought it'd be great to uh put down uh a coat of paint on the place, maybe clean up the inside, bring a band in on Saturday night, cover charge and Bob. And you know, at that time, the music really didn't attract me.

You know, the cover charge was low, but that didn't attract me. What attracted me was the Bob OB, the bring your own booze, because that meant I wasn't going to get shut off. I'm going to be my own bartender.

How wonderful is that for an alcoholic? And you know, I went to Peltos and we walked in, they sold door prize tickets and you know, with your uh entrance. And so I bought a door prize ticket.

And usually the door prize at this facility was some craft the owner's wife made in craft class that week. You know, one week it was an afghan that she had made. And at the end of the night after drinking more of my share and more of my buddy's share and then when his parents showed up some of theirs, uh, I was on my way out and they did the door prize and I won the door prize my first night and I had arrived.

And so I collected my door prize and that night it was a three-foot ceramic pig. Sat about this high, had a dress, bows in her ears. She was a real looker.

I loaded my ceramic pig in the front seat of my Gran Torino and off I went. I got pulled over and Troy for speeding. Troy's finest rolls up to the car and uh looks in and says, "Where did you get your date?" You know, I said it was some pig I picked up in Troy and I went to jail.

And you know, that's my drunkalogue in a nutshell. You know, it doesn't get any better than that. Unfortunately, it does get a lot worse.

You know, uh what I did during my drinking career, looking back once I was in recovery, was I realized that I blamed people, places, and things at the time I was in my sickness. You know, that first time, it wasn't the fact that I drank so many so many beers at that place and got behind the wheel that the fact was I was speeding. If I hadn't been speeding, the cop wouldn't have pulled me over.

I would have made it home one more night. So, it wasn't the fact that I drank and I really don't remember leaving the bar. It was that I was speeding.

You know, my second DWI, I was coming out of a restaurant after drinking Yukon Jack all night with the bartender who's a friend of mine. And I pulled out of the parking lot onto a well-lit street in Keen at 2:00 a.m. in the morning.

And within a mile, I was pulled over. And the officer would later tell me as I'm in the police station that, you know, you stopped at the red light. You weren't speeding.

You signaled to make a lane change. You even stopped to let a pedestrian go. If you just turned your headlights on, I would have never pulled you over.

You know, that's the reason I got in that trouble. I just didn't turn my headlights on. It wasn't the fact that I again drank more than I should have and didn't get behind the, you know, got behind the wheel.

And so that's what I did. I kept blaming it. And you know, as I'm racking these up, I would go through different rehabs, different programs, uh, drivers impaired driver courses.

Uh, in New Hampshire, they called it MOP, multiple offender program. And, uh, each one of them had a unique take on curriculum, what they wanted to teach you. Some of them was afterare and going to AA, some of them it wasn't.

uh one of the ones that uh that I went to the in the the curriculum that they taught there it was called informed decisionmaking and what they were going to do was for the time I was there they were going to load me up with all this information about alcoholism. They were going to show me this movie of people on a deserted airfield controlled test where they had a state trooper there and they set up a obstacle course and all the participants there all races, ages and and and uh sexes both male and female. They would go through this course sober and then they would sit down and get drunk and the state trooper would give them a breathalyzer test, record that down and then let them drive that same course.

And surely, you know, what they found out was that after just one drink, some of them improved because their inhibitions were up and they picked up the speed and they felt a little more comfortable. But shortly after the second drink and further, they really got bad scores and they shouldn't be driving. And so all this information and they sent me on my way.

Well, I'm just going to read real quick out of this book here. And if you haven't got one, please see see a sponsor. But uh there's a line in here on page 39.

It says, "But the actual or potential alcoholic with hardly an exception will absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-nowledge." You know what they gave me was the what I like to call the wheel of knowledge. And what it did was I could deal in my weight and it would tell me how many drinks per hour I could drink safely and drive a vehicle. I'm an alcoholic.

That's my go to jail card in reality. But you know what I do? I go to the bar and I deal it in.

And it says for my body weight, I could have one drink per hour. So, if I drink just one drink per hour, I'm going to be safe to go drive and not get a DWI by cuz this wheel of knowledge tells me that. 7:00 p.m.

Saturday night, I order my drink. It's a Yukon on the rocks, little splashes of roses. It's a snake bite.

7:20, I'm doing the shaking the glass, sucking the stir stick. Maybe there's alcohol in there I missed. I'm an alcoholic.

I've put the first drink in my body, the first drink. And what's happened now is the taste buds are inesticized. They're asleep.

So, they're going down a little easier towards the end of that first one. And anyone after that, they're going to go down a little bit easier. The second thing is because I'm an alcoholic, my brain starts twisting the truth.

And what my brain said after that first one is, you're going to be here till 1:00 guaranteed. 7 to 1 is six drinks. Six drinks in six hours equals one per hour.

Have your second one. As long as you stick to six and you don't leave before one, you're golden. If that makes sense to you, you might have to talk to your sponsor.

Okay. So, I ordered my second one at about 720. They're going down a little smoother.

About 7:40, maybe even 7:35. I'm doing the empty glass shaking the sucking the stir stick again and I order my third six in six hours it's only three and in reality by the end of the first hour that six drink was in front of me my wheel of knowledge is a coaster for a stranger's Budweiser and I was getting arrested that night you know all the knowledge in the world isn't going to help me and it's the first drink that gets me drunk and I had a hard time with that but looking back I re that that instance that points it out to me. So, I'm not going to tell you all my DWIS, but let's just say they were all the same.

I got pulled over. They usually read this way. Pulled over for something stupid, speeding, no lights on.

Um, failed the field sobriety test, failed the breathalyzer test, and went to jail because that's who I am. Uh, you know, the way I was raised was that if you did the crime, you did the time. And all my arrest reports were that way.

there's no incidents on them. Well, I was I had already racked up four of the five DWIs. Uh what's happening now by the fourth one is, you know, uh the progression is setting in.

And I heard that word when I first came around and I really didn't understand the progression. I thought it meant how much I was drinking. That had started to go up as well.

But for me, progression took many forms. One of the things it took was the fines were starting to progress. You know, from that first one, I think it was less than $500 fine.

at the end it was in the thousands of dollars. Um the stays in jails and institutions, the number of days that was starting to progress. You know, the lawyer's fees, I didn't need a lawyer the first time.

By the end, I did. Uh you know, so that was progressing. But the one thing that eluded me the whole time I was out there was the number of people that love me that I was hurting, that I was uh that number progressed.

And I didn't see that while I was drinking. So, I'm under my fourth DWI. Now, it's progressed to three years loss of license, a hefty fine, another trip through the M program, and uh you know, everything's done.

I've paid off the M program, their fees are paid, I've uh paid the lawyers fees off, I paid the fines. I'm in that holding pattern where I'm waiting for three years so I can do this again and get my license. And I was one year into that suspension.

And I had a doctor's appointment in Lebanon. And uh you know, the first thing I want to say is that this alcoholic, and Dr. Bob talks about it, but this alcoholic married an angel.

And somehow we all, it seems like we always seem to find angels. And I did. And my angel is far from stupid.

But that day when I had that doctor's appointment in Lebanon at 1:00, I convinced her that it was a good idea for me to drive up to my doctor's appointment. And I can only talk about my experience, but when I'm in my disease, I am the best liar, cheating, thief. I can sell ice cubes to Eskimos, you know.

And that day, I'm not sure word for word, but I'm sure it sounded something like this. We both can't miss a whole day of work for my appointment. You're making more than I am per hour.

We're get behind on bills thanks to my drinking. Um, you know, so I'll just zip up there. It's a it's a physical.

The doctor will tell me what a great specimen I am. I'll come back, maybe get a half a day of work. You know, whatever I said, it was enough to convince her and off and running.

And my first stop was to pick up a 12-pack. Now, remember, I have no license. I'm under suspension, habitual offender, been through the M program two or three times at that point.

And my mind told me it was a great idea to go pick up a 12-pack. You know, the big book talks about the insanity that precedes the first drink. It's not the crazy stuff I do once I put the alcohol in my system.

That's just crazy stuff that happens when you drink like I drink. It's the insanity that precedes a first drink. Without a drop of alcohol in my system at that time, my mind said, "Why don't you pick up a 12-pack?

You don't have a license. If you get pulled over, you're looking at at least a year in jail. Um, just go get something to drink." And it's icy roads in February.

That makes it even nicer, you know. Needless to say, off and running I went um with our family vehicle 12-pack in my system and I'm driving from I 89 in New Hampshire down to uh or up to Lebanon where the appointment was and state trooper Monahan in the breakdown lane again had his radar and I was speeding. So he steps out of his vehicle and he motions me over in front of him and I pulled over in front of him.

And up until that time, all my arrest reports read the same. No incidents. When Mr.

Monahan walked up to the car, I stepped on it and I fled. Alcohol's calling the shots. And uh you know, I watched the cops show on Fox Network.

I know how this is going to end, you know. And sure enough, the exit for New London, uh, it's an S and I made a T. Um, I would total the vehicle.

Uh, Mr. Monahan would later say to me that, uh, when he approached the vehicle, he thought I had died in it. That's how horrific the crash looked until my door opened up and I tried to run once more.

You know, a nightstick to the back of the knees will bring you down real fast. I can attest to that. And you know, I can attest that my way doesn't work.

If if you learn anything from me tonight, just learn that my way doesn't work. It's well documented in three police stations in four states. It doesn't work.

Okay? Um, and I sat the rest of that morning in New London District Court/P Police Station because all this happened before 10:00 a.m. You know, I can look back with a clear mind today and I can see how crazy that must sound, but that wasn't my game plan when I left that morning.

You know, it wasn't my game plan. You know, I'm going to get so drunk that I'm going to total the only vehicle that me and my wife have. I'm not I'm going to get so drunk that, you know, I'm going to add one more Dwee to my already lengthy record.

Uh, you know, I'm going to almost kill myself. It's going to be so bad. I'm going to have to go to the hospital before I get to the police station.

You know, that wasn't my game plan. But, you know, you put one drop of alcohol in this alcoholic body, and that's what can happen. You know, people that know me today, when when I get to share some of my past with them, they they don't believe that.

And you know, I I pride myself into being a different person today, but you could paint the ugliest picture and put one drop of alcohol and I could be the one heading that thing up. You know, it's it's unreal what alcohol can do to this alcoholic. So, I sat there and uh Officer Monahan's going through my ID and I didn't carry ID.

Hey, I didn't have ID. I didn't bother getting a state non-driver's ID, so I didn't have ID, you know. And people say, "You lost your license." I didn't lose it.

I know where it is. Conquered has it and you know it's sort of like it's sort of like time sharing and it's their time. Um so he's looking for ID and I didn't have ID and the reason I didn't have ID was twofold.

The first one I had become somebody I didn't want to be and I didn't want to know that person. The second one was my alcoholic thinking was if I get in trouble and I don't have ID, I won't get in trouble because they don't know who I am. So, if you can make sense out of that one, you better talk to your sponsor.

But then he pulled out my son's T-ball card. Okay, I'll tell you the time frame this happened. My son had played T-ball prior to that 10 years ago.

So, at that time, the CAD was 10 years and now it's another 10 years. He's with me today. But he pulled out my son's T-ball card and I started to break down and I cried because for the first time in this alcoholic's life, I realized I was hurting someone that loved me.

I never want to feel that feeling again. That oh no, I've done it again feeling. I never ever want to feel that feeling again.

The second feeling I never ever want to feeling again is having to call my wife and tell her what I did and then ride another hour and a half in the backseat of someone's else vehicle with looks that could kill. You know, I never want to feel that feeling again either. You know, my sponsor then told me when I got back to uh Keen and I finally hooked up with him, when I told him that part of my story, he leaned in.

He goes, "I bet you weren't in the big bed that night." Now, it was a long time before I was in the big bed, let me tell you that. Um, so I went home, looked up AA, and I had been introduced to AA prior to that. You know, when you drank and got in trouble like I did, some of the times they suggested AA and get court cards signed.

Some judges thought it was a good idea. But I was a guy that was always the last one in and the first one out. You know, if I noticed you signed court cards before the break, I was gone at break.

I always had an excuse. Um I heard suggestions like help pick up chairs and my thinking was they were down when they were here. Why do I need to pick them up?

You know, again, my thinking, you know, I'm a prime example that if you do very little with this program, you'll get very little results. And so I went to AA and it was a Wednesday night in Keen and they have a young people's meeting and I got off the phone with the hotline. I called the hotline 800 number they have in New Hampshire and they gave me all this information.

At that time it met at the Unitarian Church and it went from 7 to 8. It's a young people's meeting. It's an open meeting.

Didn't know what that meant but I knew I needed to go. So, as soon as I hung up, my alcoholic thinking kicks in and I go, "Well, I'm 40. I can't go to that meeting.

I'll call tomorrow. Maybe there'll be another meeting tomorrow." You know, I'm a firm believer that uh my higher power has a big boot and uh he planted it. And I did go to that meeting for whatever reason.

I tried to talk myself out of it. I still went to that that meeting. And I walked in.

I walked up the stairs. I walked down. Kind of hesitated at the top of the landing before I went down again.

And uh I walked in and you know, they didn't throw me out. They welcomed me. And I don't remember exactly what we read that night.

We what we did was we read from the big book, but I don't remember what passage or where they read. But I do remember that for the first time in a long time, I felt welcomed and I felt hope. And the guy that was chairing it, his name was Anthony, he came over and he put his arm around me and he said, "You look like you need another meeting." And you know, prior to that, 24 hours later, I total the vehicle, I probably looked like I needed an IV.

And uh he said, "The Keen Original meets at 8:15 around the corner. You got 15 minutes when this meeting ends. So get around the corner and go to that one.

I'll take you." And I went and I walked in and I saw familiar faces from my past when I walked into that meeting for the first time. And I felt that feeling of hope once more. And I met a guy named Red who uh he passed away in August.

August. No, I'm sorry. April.

He just passed away in April. It's not August yet. Keep coming.

Um, but he would have picked up 46 years this year in November had he stuck around, you know. And uh, Red and I worked together. I'd worked at this manufacturing facility for him.

He was a he was a supervisor there. And uh, I worked with there for 17 years. And so I got to interact with Red and not once did I realize that he was in the program.

And uh Red would later say to me that, you know, all those years working with you, I never pegged you for an alcoholic. I just thought you were an ass. You know, he was right.

50% of it I was both. Um, I can remember though, you know, before I hooked up with RED and started taking the program serious, I went to a Saturday night meeting and uh, this was like after my third DWI and I went to that big big Saturday night meeting that was in Keen and I sat in the back cuz that's what I did and uh, I looked and there's Red and at that time, you know, I didn't know that he had been in the program that long and all what his history was. My alcoholic thinking at that time was, "Oh no, Red's here and he's going back to work to tell everybody I'm an alcoholic.

It's all about me." You know, it didn't dawn on me that he was there. Maybe he could help. You know, that thinking never entered my mind.

But later on, I was reintroduced to Red. And uh, you know, people like Red and Cal and Freddy and Roland and all these guys that are no longer with us, they took me under their wing at 3 months. you know, I was going out and speaking for my group.

Um, before then I was going out. They said, "You can go for the ride. You can listen and uh we go back.

You can we can talk on the way down and talk on the way back." And and I did that in 3 months. They they allowed me to talk and then at 4 months they told me to shut up again. Um, but I got active with my group.

Uh, you know, I helped set up the chairs. The guy that normally did it, he went away for a short time, a year at a veterans victory farm. It was a recovery place.

And, uh, I took over the job of setting up the hall for that meeting and making the coffee. And I did that. And, uh, you know, I did everything that was suggested to me with one exception.

I didn't do the steps. And, you know, I my first sponsor, I asked him, "Would you be my sponsor?" And he says, "Well, I want to be honest with you. I'm not a step sponsor." And I said, "You're perfect." >> Todd doing it Todd's way.

I didn't want to do it. And uh long story short, uh you know, a story that illustrates me doing it my way was uh you know, I had to go to jail in Bosowin, New Hampshire. I didn't even know what a Boswin was or where it was.

It turns out it's a it's a nice county jail up above conquered the state. And in New Hampshire, I'm not sure if it's that way everywhere, but in Hampshire, you have to do the time where you did the crime. You know, I was away from my backyard cuz I had a nice facility called West Milan, right around the corner for a county jail, but I couldn't go there because I got arrested in New London.

And so I had to be like over an hour and a half away from the house. And I had to do time for my last uh arrest. And uh so I go into Boswinn and honestly, you know, I'm a pretty big guy.

Uh, but I had never done more than 3 days in jail and I was looking at a year in jail. And when they introduced me to my cellmate and his name is Razer, that was not comfortable. But I'm a firm believer that people are put in my life for a reason.

You know, uh, Razer was one of those guys. He didn't get up before noon, never ate breakfast. And uh in that jail that year, it was during the summer and the jail was being rebuilt, so they were letting the jail we were in go to pot.

And uh they allowed us to buy a fan for $20. It was a small rotating fan, a little smaller than this one behind me. And uh could have it in our cell to somewhat keep us cool.

And Razer's last day there, I realized that he got up, he had breakfast. He was up before me eating breakfast. And then he later came to me and he said that fan though although I paid for it he said you can have it and all I ask is that like when you leave you give it to the next guy that's here.

And that was so unlike Razer everything that day. And at the same time I want to let you know what my mindset was. My mindset was I'm a hour and a half from work.

I'm going to lose my job if I have one when I get out of here. Woe is me. You know I was on this big pity party.

So I asked Razer about that. And Razer said that I'm homeless. What am I going to do with a fan?

And the reason I ate this morning cuz I'm getting out and that's probably going to be my only meal for this week. You know, talk about someone being put in my life to take me off my pity party. You know, so I got out of jail.

They transferred me to West Milan. One of the things I'm going to backtrack a little bit. My third day in, I asked Razer, "How come out of 80 guys of us on this day floor, four of them are getting this nice bowl of cottage cheese and fresh fruit, and I'm not one of them." Razer said, "It's too late.

When you come in, you have an intake, and if you say you have a diet, they'll ask you, do you have any dietary needs?" And if you say you're a vegetarian, they'll give you that with every meal. And you know, honestly, I like my steak so rare a good vet could bring it back to life, right? But I'm an alcoholic.

I would have lied to get that nice plated of cottage cheese and fresh fruit and vegetables because that's what I do when I'm in my sickness. Well, I got moved. I got moved to West Miland, which was the last half of my sentence.

They allowed me to get closer to my house and they allowed me to do work release. That was cool. But when I got there, they did the intake and they asked me, "Do you have any dietary needs?" Here's Todd doing it Todd's way.

Yeah, I'm a vegetarian. You know, the vegetarian meal at West Milan is peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Okay.

I hate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches today, you know. I was scheduled to get out of jail at the 21st of that month of September with good time, September 21st. On September 14th, I was at my employment.

And I get a call from the corrections officer that's in charge of inmate programs and and stuff. And he said, "Uh, Todd, we're going to let you out. You need someone there.

You need $95 and someone to sign and we're going to let you out tonight." I said, 'Is this legal? Cuz I've done the math. I'm not eligible till the 21st with good time, and this is a week early.

He said, 'Yes, trust me, it's legal. Just have someone here to pick you up. And so I did that.

September 14th is my son's birthday, and we weren't, my wife and I weren't expecting me to get out on his birthday cuz I was supposed to be another week for that. So, we had arranged, he's an avid volleyball player, and we had arranged to buy him this really nice masa volleyball from the sporting goods store that I worked at and give it to him on his birthday. She would while I was in jail.

So, I sat on his bed holding this volleyball, waiting for him to come home. Mom says, "Your present's on your bed." He comes in, he starts crying, and he says, "Did you break out?" you know, no. And uh you know, things happen for a reason.

I I I don't know why. It's not my job to know why sometimes. So, when I got out, uh you know, I I got I stayed active with AA, but again, I'm not doing the steps.

And you know, I I got two years sober. And I say sober because this is my take on it. There's a difference between sobriety and recovery.

So just not drinking. And if I could just not drink, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't need you guys.

I go home and not drink. But, you know, I'm an alcoholic. I can't just not drink.

And what I found out with the only things that make me an alcoholic are two things. Is that I can't stop once I start. There's no guarantees.

And if I try to stop on my own, I'm very unsuccessful. And that's the only thing that it is to being an alcoholic, that I'm unsuccessful when I try to stop. And once I put it in, I have this craving, this compulsion.

I got to keep drinking everything that's under under the sun, but that's it. And so, how do I deal with that thinking before I start drinking? And you know that it is in the steps, but I wasn't doing that.

And after 2 years of not drinking, I was in a volleyball tournament and I went over to 7-Eleven down the road from our house and I get a Molson triple X King can just like that. I don't even know why I'm there. I'm in shorts.

I don't have ID still. I have a $5 bill and that's what I got. And I put it on the counter and already the the obsession and the thinking is taking over.

A, the kid couldn't ring it up fast enough because the AA police were going to be here. You know, that's my thinking. And B, I didn't even see how much it cost.

If it costs more than five bucks, that's all I got. I'm going to look like an idiot and it's all about me. Kid says it's $249.

I said, I'll take two. Just like that. That's my alcoholic thinking.

And I took those two King cans and you know that feeling of that T-ball card, it rushed right back. That feeling of having to tell my wife, "Oh no, I've done it again." It rushed right back with just two cans. She found those two cans.

I left them on the table while I'm running out to help with groceries. And like the two cans flew by my head and a few colorful metaphors. Um, so I called Red and uh, you know, I was in tears and it was on a Monday night and he says, "Well, you know what?

You're not the first to relapse. You're not going to be the last. My suggestion is that we're going over to Athal, Mass tonight.

You can't speak, but you can pick up your white chip and you can join us once more on this journey if you want." And I did. That was October 10th of 2006. And I haven't found it necessary to pick up a drink since then.

What I did differently, I found a sponsor who would take me through the steps as I laid out in the big a sponsor who had a sponsor. Uh, you know, I stayed active. Uh, you know, I have been blessed.

Now, does getting sober automatically guarantee me my life is going to be all roses? No. Life happens.

I've had tragedies. I just haven't had to pick up. I was nine months into my recovery now.

I'm writing my fourth step. At the same time, I'm going through bankruptcy, losing the house, and my son's going to college. Now, in the real world, bankruptcy and college isn't in the same, you know, they never meet.

And so, we had an opportunity. We went over for an open house on a Friday night. It was a sleepover, come back Saturday.

And we pulled in and uh it was to meet the teachers and that whole thing and to check out the college. And it was just him and I. And so, uh, soon as we pulled in, he disappeared this way.

I swear he's checking out the girls. And I went this way to financial to basically say, "How are we going to do this?" You know, and what they told me there when I sat down with the financial lady was that, "Well, he's got these loans. He's got this money.

When you he starts college, you only owe us $49." And I said, "Wow, you know, everything that I did to sabotage my family, it's still happening for a reason." And so I I floated that night. I think we watched big uh Blades of Glory on the big screen with Will Pharaoh, met parents. Uh we had a barbecue the next day and it was just an awesome time.

Just that knowledge that even though I did what I did, he was still going to college. And so I floated in when we were got back Saturday night and I'm like telling my wife the news and I'm interrupted by the phone and I pick it up and my mom is in tears. My younger brother thought it was a good idea to drink that day and he drowned in Swansea Lake in New Hampshire and they asked me to identify him.

Toughest thing I've ever had to do in recovery. I'm 9 months in my recovery, writing my fourth step and I have to go identify my little brother. And you know when I came out of that hospital, no less than 12 people from AA were there to support myself and my family.

You know, this is a fellowship you will find nowhere else. You know, I was able to be a positive member of planning his services. If I was drinking, that wouldn't happen.

If that was drinking, I wouldn't ask to identify him. I wouldn't be asked to be at the service. If I was drinking the way I drink, I wouldn't be able to be there.

I'd be in jail if I was lucky. You know, you know, I've had people come and go in my life. Like I said, Red passed away this this few months ago here.

And uh I haven't had a necessary because Red told me and his words were in my mind that time when my brother died that somewhere someone else has gone through exactly what you're going through and they didn't need to drink so neither do you you know so the lighter side um I got active with function committee you know we we do my my sidekick is here Cheryl and uh we do functions in our district um one of the things that was needed in our district was a hotline rep and so I took that job on and that led to, you know, well, let me backtrack to the function committee. I was asked to go to a prayer meeting and this like uh gratitude meeting quote and we're doing that at this nice park and it's quiet. We had this gratitude meeting and we hiked around this body of water and somehow when I came out I was a treasurer of the function committee.

I still haven't figured that one out so be careful. Um, but that I also did the hotline for a while for our district and uh the hotline chair for the state of New Hampshire. This goes back a few years.

She went to a area conference. She took a hotline call. She hung up and she had a heart attack.

You know, she passed away doing hotline work. And so like the next area meeting, they put out the call, you know, we need someone to take the place. It would just be until elections.

And I took that job as area hotline. And uh you know, you would think in the Navy, Navy means never again volunteer yourself. I would learn a lesson, but uh you know, I was asked to stay on for 2 years in the hotline.

And I had so many neat things happen. Well, a hot I was a hotline chair for the state. In New Hampshire, it doesn't work this way everywhere, I guess, but in New Hampshire, they have an 800 number that's out west.

And the the chair person gives them a list of people depending on what area in New Hampshire they are that are volunteers. And so they'll call 800, they'll get this operator. She'll say, "Okay, I've got your name and number.

you need help, I will get a volunteer to call you. Then she calls a volunteer and she goes down her list until she finds someone willing to help him and gives them the information. Well, if they don't find someone initially, they call the hotline chair for the state.

And so here I am without a license. I'm in Tuckto in the southwest corner bordering Vermont and Massachusetts. And I get a call from Pittsburgh, New Hampshire, way up this top.

I get a call from Ma Man Manchester in the center of the state. I get one from the coast. you know, I don't have a license, but you know, I was able to talk to these people, let them know where the meetings are, hook them up with people, and uh we went to a coast, my wife and my son and I, and it was just a let's go Friday night and we'll come back Saturday night.

And uh you know, one of the things I do when I travel is I look where AA meetings are, where I am, just in case I need to go a little. When I found one, there was one walking distance from our hotel. So, we went to the the coast.

It was a beautiful warm day. Water was perfect for the ocean. Temperature was hot.

I like that. Uh, you know, even the women were wearing less that day. I swear.

And it was just perfect beach day. My son's body surfing. He, you know, he's taking out little kids while he's riding these big waves.

It was a perfect day. And we go into the hotel and here I am with our luggage and I see the little placard that says free HBO and I've got the big screen TV and I think to myself, I know where that meeting is, but I don't need to go tonight cuz I didn't get sober not to have fun and I'm here with my family. I'm not drinking.

You know that hot tub looks like it's got my name on it. Maybe I'm going to go over there a little while. And we put the stuff down and my phone rings and it's the hotline.

They said, "A gentleman just got out of rehab. He wants to go to his first meeting. Can you hook him up with someone to take him?" And you know, I didn't call the hotline to let them know that I was in Hampton Beach.

I didn't call the hotline or anybody to let them know where I was. And I said, "Okay, I'll take the call if no one else has taken it." So, I take it and I get in conversation with this gentleman and he just got out of rehab. He's nervous.

He wants to go to a meeting. And so, then the question is, "Well, where are you?" And he says, "I'm at Hampton Beach." you know, >> what are the odds? Again, my thinking was I'm going to stay here.

You know, I'm going to stay watching HBO and I'm going to go in the hot tub. I went that meeting and uh you know, they didn't have a speaker that night so they asked me to share and the whole time I had said to him suggested that you know you're new here. I don't live here.

I'm only v my suggestion is that you raise your hand, you say you're new, you'd like to get phone numbers, possibly get a big book if they'll give it to you. And uh so I'm speaking and then it's a discussion and it's going around and he's not doing what I suggested and then it gets to the part where the chairperson says any burning desire and I'm like you better you know his hand doesn't go up and so they start to close it and then all a sudden his hand goes up and he said hi I'm soand so I'm new if anybody would like to give me a phone number I'd like to get that and so I walked out of there with him in good hands and he had a list of numbers and they gave him a big book. You know, a year later he got his one-year chip.

That is so cool. And he called me, you know, that is so cool. Things like that happen.

What I believe, this is my belief that miracles happen on a daily basis. I thought you guys threw that around willy-nilly, you know, miracles, but they happen on a daily basis. I just think that under the influence, this alcoholic doesn't see them.

You know, I'm an alcoholic. My name is Todd. I am so glad that this committee put this on for us, for people like me and people like you.

And they got to be doing something right because I read it was 25 years of this, you know. So, I am very grateful that the state of Connecticut has put this on again for people like me and people like you and I am grateful for that. And I'll leave you with this.

I don't sing. Thank you. But it's a lyric out of a song.

And if I don't mess it up, it comes out pretty cool sometimes. I'm getting older in years and I'm crying less tears cuz I'm living the days that I dreamed. So just for today, I know I'll be okay cuz I'm no longer caught in between.

So if we're out on the street and we happen to meet, please stop and say hello. Because just maybe that day, the reason you came my way, he had sent you to save my soul. God bless.

Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.