Sober Sunrise – Tom P. – Berlin, Germany – 2021
AA speaker Tom P. from Berlin shares how deep step work, forgiveness, and letting go of resentments led him from suicidal at five years sober to emotional recovery and freedom.
Tom P. from Berlin, Germany got sober at 18 after years of substance abuse and suicidal ideation, but found himself hitting a wall at five years sober—miserable, emotionally driven, and without tools to manage his inner life. In this AA speaker tape, he walks through how returning to the steps with intention, working through intractable resentments, and developing spiritual practices like meditation and the St. Francis Prayer transformed his recovery from white-knuckling survival into what he calls emotional sobriety—the ability to respond instead of react, to forgive instead of condemn, and to live free of the ghosts of his past.
Tom P., an AA speaker with 32 years of sobriety, describes emotional sobriety as freedom from being driven by past trauma and the ability to respond proportionally to life instead of reacting out of fear and resentment. He shares how hitting a wall at five years sober—despite meetings and commitments—forced him back to serious step work, particularly Step 4 inventory and Step 9 amends, which revealed he was holding onto intractable resentments toward his parents that blocked his recovery. Through repeated cycles of step work, forgiveness practice, humility, and daily meditation, Tom explains how the AA speaker message moves beyond staying dry to achieving emotional sobriety—staying connected to the present moment, letting go of the need to be right, and experiencing the freedom the promises describe.
Episode Summary
Tom P. walks into this share with a hard-earned clarity about the difference between sobriety and emotional recovery. He’s not selling anything—he’s a regular alcoholic from Berlin with 32 years of continuous sobriety, a sponsor, and a home group. What makes his talk essential is that he didn’t find this freedom overnight. He had to learn it the hard way.
He opens with his childhood: chaos, violence, abandonment by both parents, police at the house, profound instability. By age 10, after his older brother offered him a beer, he discovered that alcohol was the answer to the anxiety and depression that came with his upbringing. What he didn’t know was that he was also an alcoholic—genetically and by circumstance. Over the next eight years, he spiraled through harder substances, lying, stealing, and cheating to keep the feeling at bay. At 18, suicidal and broken out of college, he hit his bottom.
Rehab and the AA speaker meetings saved his life. He got a sponsor, did 90 meetings in 90 days, found a home group, and got out of his parents’ house. For a while, it worked. But here’s where his story becomes a cautionary tale: Tom had done Steps 1, 2, and 3, but he’d approached the rest halfheartedly. “Take what you need and leave the rest” became “leave a lot and don’t know what I need.” At five years sober, despite meetings and commitments, he was suicidal again. The obsession with alcohol was gone, but his emotions were running him. He was trapped in the same cycle he’d lived in while drinking—fear, depression, anxiety, uselessness—except now he was sober while drowning.
That’s when he finally did his Fourth Step. Deep. Thorough. With a sponsor. And the relief came, just like the book promised. But even as he moved through the steps and got some initial peace, he hit another wall around ten years sober. The Promises felt incomplete. He still felt like an incomplete person. So he looked back at his step work and asked what he was holding onto.
The answer: resentments. Particularly toward his parents. And here Tom gets honest about the trap that keeps a lot of people stuck in emotional sobriety—the lie we tell ourselves about being justified. He’d been abused and abandoned. Those people deserved his resentment. The problem is, resentment is drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. He was the only one suffering. He couldn’t be present in relationships because he was carrying ghosts.
What changed was not just intellectually understanding forgiveness. It was practicing it—using the St. Francis Prayer as a daily meditation, looking at his part (which he’d resisted), and realizing that his mistake wasn’t being hurt; it was carrying the resentment for decades. He also had to challenge the stories he’d invented about his parents’ motivations, to see where his “fanciful” interpretations had made things worse, and to recognize that they were spiritually sick people doing their best with what they had—just like him. Just like all of us.
With that shift, Tom experienced real freedom. He could forgive his father and mother. He could have clean relationships with other people—especially with the opposite sex, where his unresolved trauma with his parents had been a blocker. He could be present instead of dragging his history into every conversation.
From there, Tom talks about emotional sobriety as a living practice. Step 6 and 7 aren’t one-time events; they’re iterative. He knows his character defects now—his need to control, to defend, to be right. But knowing them isn’t the point anymore. The point is he’s developed a spiritual tolerance. He does the work not because he has to, but because he likes the results. He likes a refined version of himself. He likes the freedom of not having to defend his position or prove he’s right.
Step 8 and 9 took time. He learned not to file amends for later but to make them immediately when possible. Unresolved harm with his dad blocked his ability to have clean relationships with other men. Unresolved harm with his mom blocked his presence with women. When he finally made those amends and forgave, everything shifted.
Steps 10, 11, and 12 are his anchors now. Step 10 keeps him honest with spot-check inventory. Step 11 practice—meditation, prayer, the St. Francis Prayer—grounds him in presence. And Step 12 (which he’s worked extensively through service) has turned what he thought would be a lifetime of useless suffering into a channel of love and peace.
Tom closes by naming three things that hold all of this together: humility (knowing himself and his defects, being willing to be wrong), forgiveness (both past and present, both for others and, implicitly, for himself), and mindfulness (the ability to be present before he reacts). These aren’t abstract ideas in his talk—they’re practices he does every day.
What’s remarkable about Tom’s share is that he doesn’t pretend it’s easy or that he’s arrived. He’s still a work in progress. He still stumbles. But he has tools, spiritual practice, and a willingness to keep digging. And that’s what emotional sobriety looks like from someone who’s lived it for three decades.
Notable Quotes
I spent most of my life in an emotional blackout, just reacting to life, not being aware. In order to recover from emotional blackout, I need to be mindful and present—just a little space to be present in my daily life before I react again.
Resentment is like setting myself on fire waiting for the other person to die of smoke inhalation. That freedom wasn’t going to happen until I put that fire out and forgave those people.
At ten years sober, I realized I was holding onto resentments, and my excuse was that these people deserved it. The problem was I was the only one suffering. I couldn’t have a relationship because I was tied up in the past.
When I’m right, it’s even worse than when I’m wrong, because then I feel justified at my behavior. I’d rather be wrong because then I can move on.
If I’m wrong about alcohol and drugs, and I’m wrong about resentments and the need to control my life, what else am I wrong about? That’s a huge amount of freedom.
Deep 12-step work gets me to emotional sobriety—and the proof that love freely given surely brings a full return.
Step 9 – Making Amends
Emotional Sobriety
Forgiveness
Resentments
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
- Step 9 – Making Amends
- Emotional Sobriety
- Forgiveness
- Resentments
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated and may contain minor errors. For the best experience, listen to the audio above.
welcome to sober Sunrise a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience strength and Hope from around the world we bring you several new speakers weekly so be sure to subscribe whether you join us in the morning or at night there’s nothing better than a sober Sunrise we hope that you enjoy today’s speaker thank you Susie I’m Tom I’m an alcoholic I want to thank the group for inviting me to come speak and Patrick for uh for making the connection uh thank you to a couple friendly faces I I drag some people along uh for the ride here from my home group and my sponses I’ll just tell you right up front I’m a little nervous this you know Susie gave me a really big buildup and uh you know Patrick made a fire uh I am uh I am an alcoholic though you know and I am you know a lay person I I’m I’m not published you know I recorded some some uh speaking engagements I had just to share with some people uh I am not uh trained professionally uh my experience is of an alcoholic and a addict in ACA and alanon and all kinds of other things uh thrown in there so so my experience is practical experience uh I you know I’ve I’ve read quite a bit I’ve uh you know tried to learn as much about alcoholism recovery and spirituality along the way but is essential you know practical experience so hopefully that that comes through in my talk that helps you uh I I do have what I would consider a decent emotional recovery uh working knowledge of how to use these steps to untangle myself from the dependencies and my past and and the things I used to get hung up on that would cause me trouble and and trouble with you know with capital T as they say in in terms of things that would dominate me and to the point where if I had not gotten Rel through some manner of working steps I I could have gone back out to drinking because I’ve been refining myself over the years continue the the work I I don’t get as caught up anymore and that’s that’s emotional sobriety so uh for me I know that you you’ve heard some other presenters before and and certainly Allan has done a wonderful job of presenting this over the years and refining it and for my own purpose what I consider emotional Sprite or emotional recovery for me is that I’m no longer driven by my past my past is not dominate me the way it used to the things that happened to me are simply things that happen to me they’re no longer my current uh motivators my my current uh um emotional state uh I’ve I’ve also learned how to respond vers uh rather than react that’s something I didn’t know I had an option to do which used to be something would happen a thought an emotion would happen and I would just fire right back uh and nowadays I respond a lot more than I just react and when I do respond most times again I I’ll couch this I’m still still work in progress I have a proportional response that means I’m not reacting out of context and out of hand to what I’m experiencing in in in the moment uh if anyone can you know uh relate you know the broken shoelace with which creates a screaming fit you know uh a a problem that you know at work you know causes me to you know throw my keyboard across the room those are emotional output first which are not in proportion not proportion and so I’ve learned how to bring bring myself to a place where I can proportionally response to life and uh as described in in bills 12 and 12 uh this is actually on page 91 I like this and I picked it out like he talks about Sid stepping the traps and I’ve learned to do that as well there’s places where uh I know there are landmines out there in my relationships with with my loved ones at work and daily living I know they’re there I’ve set half of my booby traps but I know that they’re there and I can sidestep them as I get closer so uh that that’s generally my my definition of emotional spr for myself I’m going to give you a little bit of backstory so you understand where I’m coming from and talk about how the steps have helped in in my process uh no emotional recovery uh emotional sobriety 12-step story would be uh would be complete without childhood uh I’ll just tell you I grew up in chaos and violence and abuse uh I grew up in unstable home uh I had both parents kind of take off uh at certain points in my childhood before I was probably about eight years old uh went to you know live with you know their side relationships I’ve uh also you know lots of police you know disturbances that required the police to show up my house lot of lot of just instability which certainly left an impression on myself uh that’s why I say you know I’m an I’m an alcoholic regardless of the substance regardless of the alcohol that goes into my system I can get addicted to anything before I picked up my first drink I wanted to escape and so I used food and I used video games I used books and fantasy and anything to escape who I was in the moment that led me to an early uh early uh entry into alcohol uh and Tru use I I have two older brothers so I I had the opportunity and the head motive and and certainly um with absentee parents uh you know there was plenty of plenty of Freedom there and so I started drinking when I was 10 years old one of my older brothers uh that summer uh had some friends over had some beers out and he saw me practically staring you know staring down the beer and he said you know art do you want this are you going to be cool about this and I know what he meant but I I just heard cool and I wanted to be cool so I said yes I yep yeah whatever it takes to give in you to give me that thing because I wanted to be cool and they all looked cool I didn’t feel cool I want I want to be where they are so um I had my first beer that summer and a couple beers after that and then I had um my first uh joint in again in the park that summer trying to again fit in and and and there was no like aha moment but over time I I I got to realize that this stuff helped me escape a lot more effectively than the other stuff I was trying previously and so my response to the anxiousness and and uh depression and fear that was generated by my uh childhood upbringing was relieved by these substances and especially alcohol and so um I’m like I need this this is my medicine this is going to help me and it did it helped me it got me through some very dark times in my uh my pre-teen years uh and problem is I’m an alcoholic you know um you know I’m a nature and nurture alcoholic meaning by Nature genetically alcoholism in my family by nurture or lack of nurture circumstances Environmental stuff also played a part and L me up there doesn’t make me an alcoholic other than it set the set the stage for me to become an alcoholic once I put the uh substance into my body I didn’t know where it would leave me so it’s my my reaction to the alcohol and a traditional uh definition of alcoholism applies to me so uh I spent the next eight years basically U mixing and matching substances and circumstances to try to make myself feel better and eventually that ran out you know I wound up um doing harder substances no surprise there I was I was like a a poster child you know for you know what happens when good kids you know use alcohol as a Gateway you know a substance and I could have been an after school special is what I’m saying for you know uh you know a public service announcement and um at the end of the line I was uh wanting to to end my life because I thought I was um going to be hopelessly addicted uh for the rest of my life I was 18 years old I flunked out of college I was back to working for my dad you know and doing a lot of lying cheating stealing to continue to use and get get what I needed in order to continue to just deaden the feelings and uh not feel uh the emotions behind you know what I was doing so all the guilt and shame and remorse kicked in for because I was doing all this you know this stuff that was not contrary to to who I was you know that that the spirit inside me was really suffering as a result of of the way I was living so long story short I wind up in a rehab uh at 18 years old I decide that my way doesn’t work your way the aa’s way 12-step way seems much better option than I than uh what I had learned and I saw an opportunity there I saw some hope for so someone who thought their life was over at 18 the idea of turning it around and getting some Hope was really uh fundamental to my deciding I’d hit my bottom uh and that I wanted to continue this journey so I started my 12-step you know recovery Journey at that point and um for me it was uh you know I want say typical um recovery story 90 meetings 90 days get a home group I moved out of you know my parents house which had all kinds of risks there in terms of you know my mom who was drinking and my friends and brothers who were drinking so I I started started a fresh life and took a risk and wound up uh you know I’m moving to a different part of my my state and and meeting some great people who brought me to meetings and and the diner afterwards and the fellowship was wonderful and I got a Comm commitment and and home group and it was very good for a while um my problem is that uh I’m in I’m one of those alcoholics who needs a a spiritual experience in order to maintain my recovery that I need to have that change of attitude that change of perception that change of reaction to life in order to stay sober that you know that 12 step needed to occur because otherwise I was going to be miserable and I and I was miserable actually uh because I hadn’t worked the steps and this is my my first uh cautionary sale is that I waited too long to do the step work that uh you know I had done one two three I had a um a passing knowledge of the steps I looked at it and you know and got kind of this look at the steps on the wall go I’ll do that one that one that one and uh they said you know take what you need and leave the rest and I did the problem is I left a lot and I didn’t know what I needed and so I I had approached step work in a very halfhazard and almost deadly way because I got into five years sober and was suicidal all over again I had no tools for living my emotions were driving me they were absolutely controlled just like in in um in late term alcoholism active alcoholism the the alcohol was driving me my emotions were driving me my my circumstances were driving me and I didn’t have any tools or or ability to manage all that so uh I had hit I had hit five years and uh and was in that kind of U State and um what I love about the AA literature is it’s just chalk full of reference material in Stu that no matter when I look at it I go back and I’ll reread it and and take a look at other stuff I go oh my God that applies to me and so with five years in the program you know going to meetings and commitments all that stuff I was suffering from the bedevilments now Bill writes about the bedevilments in we agnostics and on page 52 and there’s supposed to be uh an argument for a higher power and he and in a way he’s talking about the the circumstances before we get into the program but here I was five years in and subsequently time other times when that happened where the bedevilments were occurring to me sober and so things like um I was pray to misery and depression uh feeling of uselessness full of fear unhappy anxious depressive just like I was early on before I even came to the program and uh all this stuff was happening to me all over again so luckily I got some additional help uh outside help and I also uh did my fourth step I did my first fourth step and it was pretty in depth uh I kind of built up this stuff for too long and I wound up uh doing a long fit step with my sponsor and and getting the relief as promised and that’s another thing which just amazed me about the program is it delivers you know you do the work you get the results and and I’m living proof for that so I got through my FIT step and I and I go through the rest of the work and things are pretty good for a while I gotten over the um kind of the initial hump and gotten some relief from from the uh from my isms right and gotten gotten through six and seven and done some uh some some eight and nine work and and made some amends and was Trucking along but I hit another you know wall at 10 years and I’m sitting there I’m like where is this happy joy and Cree they’re talking about where is this you know these uh you know the rest of these promises why why do I still feel like an incomplete sober person and so I had I had to take another look at where I was with these um uh these steps and take a look at what I was holding back on and what I found was that although I had done you know fourth and fifth step and uh an eighth and nth step there were still things I was holding back on there were still resentments that I refused to let go of and I used the excuse that um my problem is uh uh that these people deserve it bottom line you know I was a kid I didn’t deserve to be abandoned I didn’t deserve to be abused you know these people deserve to have my resentments they deserve to you know to to be uh never forgiven and me holding them you know in in in jail in my head uh over and over again the problem is I was the only one suffering from this I couldn’t have a relationship because I was tied up in the past I was carrying the those ghosts around with me and it wasn’t until I had uh let go absolutely and I had worked on the the Forgiveness that I needed to do and let let go of those resentments that I had towards those people uh that I really got the relief that that the program offers it’s not easy but I have to first I had to first look at those relationships and what had happened I also had to um I also had to look at what you know what was my part in it and that was my problem I I kept hearing like what’s your part what you know clean up your side of street and I I went back and I looked and it and I had no part in it when it started but I had a part in it and and in the actually in the literature it says what was our mistake and my mistake was carrying the these resentments decades later not allowing them to be free not letting forgiveness and Grace to enter that relationship in into those people because all I was was hurting myself you know I I’ve heard resentment described as setting myself on fire waiting for the other person to die of smoking eltion that wasn’t going to happen as long that that freedom wasn’t going to happen until I you know put that fire out and and forgive those people uh and it has nothing to do with uh right or wrong it has to do with me wanting to live me wanting to be free and this was my path to freedom and the one thing which stuck out to me that really made a huge uh um a huge difference is the St Francis prayer and I use the St Francis prayer as a a daily meditation on this in order to start to see where being of service and being of love and being of of Peace was really the what my calling was and what what the ability to forgive other people had to do with letting that Spirit flow through me and uh and eventually I got that freedom and I got that peace and and I was able to to let all that go so getting through those those those uh intractable resentments uh really was was a huge ch for me and um and that’s really I think where I started to look at emotional sobriety and starting to pick up the threads of where it was referred to and where it was coming from outside of my kind of my daily uh practice and so as I moved through my my my teenage years of sobriety uh and got to go through the work a couple more times I started to see these things keep popping up over and over again I I go you know seek out like it says in 11 you know saw through prayer and meditation uh conscious contact with a higher power so I started reading different spiritual books and spiritual practices and listening more and I started to hear some Universal truths come out and so you know I saw Bill’s letter Bill Wilson’s letter about emotional sobriety I’m like oh this is starting to make sense he started to apply the steps to gain emotional sobriety and about 15 years ago I found Allen’s a recording of Allen’s that someone had passed along to me and um and I’m like this guy’s got you know got something going on here that made a lot of sense and then a few years ago you know probably three years ago now I think Allan Zan popped up again and I I listened to his his uh CD that he had uh with herb K I think about uh emotional sobriety so all these dots started to line up and I started go this is what this means and um so I started to take deeper dives into things like selfishness and self-centeredness and my resentments and fears like it’s talked about in in in the big book uh in steps three and four and rolling over that you know kind of reading it on a regular basis a couple times a year working with sponsores but also working with a sponsor myself that that set of pages uh you know talk about steps three and four uh in the big book it is absolute cold you know Bill Wilson talking about selfishness and self-will and how that drives us to um to start to cling to things and relationships and try to and how I try to get what I want and and manage the situation you know me clinging and controlling and managing is probably one of the worst places for me to be emotionally because then I’m I’m highly connected to the outcome when I’m highly connected to the outcome that’s when uh I Leave Myself open to disappointment uh even if it comes out the way I want it may not come out the time I want and sometimes the minut I want and or I get it and I’m not interested in anymore doesn’t satisfy so um again going back to uh you know the the book you I realize there’s some Universal truths here probably about 10 years ago i’ done a u a workshop with a couple friends at AA workshop and my portion of the conversation was a was titled bring a shovel because we’re going to dig some stuff up here I had to realize that um I there was stuff that was buried but it was you know you know sorry for the analogy it it was shallow shallow right very shallow hole that I dug and just threw some dirt on top and thow threw some leaves on and pretended it wasn’t there and you know I found out that I when I tried to use an emotional Bypass or spiritual bypass and just go oh you know I can turn this over to God or you know they did the best they could with what they had that that wasn’t enough I need to spend the time and actually grieve those moments there’s nothing wrong with in a process for me to grieve my childhood to grieve the loss of a mother even though I she was physically there she there were lots of moments where there it was not a you know a mothering experience and protective experience and same thing same thing all these experiences I had to go through a breathing process and then I could properly move on from them the the way I’ve worked through that and I’ll talk through some some highlights and some step work here because I found it really important um again U Bill’s talk on steps three three and four um is crucial for me his uh his writing here on the bomb of 66 and sorry I don’t have slides I’m not that not that polished the bomb of 66 he talks about um the wrongdoings of others fancy or real had power to actually kill and that phrase jumped out at me because I had to admit that maybe some of the wrongdoings I had attributed to people were fancy that were were made up that I had this delusional a story uh about what had happened to me and that I was applying what I thought your motivation was and and and your response to life so you know you know the analogy of being stuck in traffic is always used it’s like the guy cuts me off because he hates me right it’s not like he’s late for work you know those are the types of things but even a much deeper part when I the closer those relationships get the the bigger story I have made up um and of course the next paragraph This was our course we realized that the people who had wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick though we did not like their symptoms and the way they disturbed us uh those distur they like us were sick too I had to look at the fact that I’m I’m a soul in this world doing the best I can with some tools trying to um you know find uh find a a path through life I’m stepping on people’s toes I’m causing discomfort and I want to be forgiven right when you know I’ll go I you know I’m sorry I made a mistake I I did you know I I bought the wrong yogurt last night and and it almost escalated because I want to defend the fact that you know that I you know how I bought the wrong yogur but you know I go you know I if I want to be forgiven that I need to forgive you know that if I’m making mistakes and I do I make a lot of mistakes and I have all these tools I have so much wealth of knowledge of 32 years of sobriety and step work and spiritual you know Awakening and spiritual readings and I’m messing up on the regular how am I expecting other people to behave and perform exactly as I want them to in order to satisfy my demands that’s insanity and so you know a simple line like that that perhaps they were sick to is a reminder that okay we’re all human in this we’re all do doing our best even if we’re not doing our best what am I going to do about it am I going to hold a resentment am I going to lash out that’s only going to hurt me so that that writing in there was was huge um the other thing which I talked about resentments and and um when I look at uh my my resentment list and I look at the things that uh that happened when I get hurt I’ve got a I’ve got a moment in time to respond to it right I talked about responding versus reacting and I can go oh that hurt my feelings I’m or or I’m you know that caused some fear I’m upset angry at somebody I’ve had a moment in time depending on how much you know how spiritual I am that day is how how long that window of time stays open right sometimes it’s short couple minutes sometimes it’s a couple hours but I get sore and I get hurt and this is all normal but but when I am out of sorts and not in a spiritual uh uh spiritually connected and not feeling emotionally recovered that hurt goes on for much longer I you know I want to be you you know in terms of you know like legal analogy like I’m the prosecutor judge and jury of you know this person did me wrong I’m going to put him on trial in my head I’ve got a whole conversation with them and you know I’m G to convict him but then I want to keep convicting him right it’d be bad enough if I did that once and who am I to to to you know take someone’s inventory and and uh you know make those judgments against them and uh and convict them but you know in the US we’ve got a thing called double jeopardy which means you can’t be tried the same thing twice I want to keep trying you over and over again you know I I want to you know relive that thing especially if I think I’m right that’s even worse I you know sometimes I’d rather be wrong because then I then at least I can uh you know chalk it up to oh I was mistaken and move on but when I’m right it’s even worse because then I feel like I’m Justified at my behavior uh those are all pitfalls and traps for me and thankfully you know I’ve been using 1011 steps to to work through those over years so um as I move through these steps uh I find out that six and seven in terms of my Character defects uh the one good thing about being sober and and being and working this doing this work over and over again for a long time is I’ve got a pretty clear uh picture of my Character defects the bad news is I’ve got a pretty clear picture of my Character defects I I know it I know where they are I know where the stumbling blocks are and I know if I don’t keep on top of certain you know prayer meditation practices that they’ll pop up again uh stronger than other days uh but the other piece of it is is you know I’ve developed a spiritual tolerance uh that I I want to be better you know and this is the work it’s like I go from having to do six and seven because my Character defects are are absolutely eating me up inside and I get that look again from you know from my friends and loved ones when I’m being an ass and being you know sarcastic or or critical you know and I don’t want that look again I don’t want to get that disapproving look and you know this you know the Sigh for my wife so so I I do the work in six and seven to try and you know to reduce my my harms that I do with these behaviors and then over time it’s not because I have to do the work it’s because I like to do the work because I I’m starting to love the results I like a refined Tom I like an improved Tom it’s easier to live in the skin of of an improved me because you know I’m more connected with you and I’m causing less harm and I’m doing and I’m I’m being more of service so when I look at six and seven it’s like almost like a a mini steps one two three on my character def defects I have to admit what they are I have to identify that I’m powerless over them that they’re dominating me uh I have to believe I could be uh relieved of my Character defects right so step two that I could be restored to sanity with these Character defects and then step three is I have to turn them over to my higher power and I also have to be vigilant when these things come up that I that I have a choice sometimes of if I’m going to act out on them or not and uh that’s you know that’s a process I work on many one two three in the middle of a character defect the other thing that was really big for me and that shows up in the 12 and 12 is humility um again clear understanding of who I am right clear understanding that uh that I have this um personality and and that there’s certain Source spots and that um I know where I can get better I know where I’m going to get stuck and humility uh has been a huge part of the last time through the 12 and 12 and and and when I read it through again recently it kept coming up over and over again you know I have potential my higher power had you know my my spiritual nature is is inside of me and pretty pure and I have a lot of junk in front of it and humility is knowing what that junk is and and making an honest effort to kind of clear up as much as possible so I could be this spiritual uh man that uh that’s in my higher power intends me to be so that humility is important and also uh it gives me an opportunity to say maybe I’m wrong you know letting go of this sense of self and defensiveness uh because I found out hey I was wrong about alcohol and drugs and I was also wrong about those resentments and I’m you know kind of wrong about you know needing to be in power and control and manage my life so if I’m wrong about those stuff what else am I wrong about you know it’s a it’s a huge amount of freedom to find out that I could possibly be wrong about other things and that I could um that I can give those up to and if I can if I’m possibly wrong about things I’m willing to be humble and listen to other people’s uh perspective on the them then I don’t have to defend my position anymore and that’s probably one of those character defect which you know really kicked my butt is even if I knew I was wrong I I defend myself if I knew I was right I defend myself more and I found that through this work that I I don’t have to defend myself that it’s not important for me to be right to prove I’m right uh and that I can just let it go because that whole piece is tied up with my ego and and when I you know fall back into you know ego and self there’s where my trouble kicks in so um six and seven again is has been a iterative process wonderful opportunity I never thought I’d like it and you know that’s I mentioned it I think one of my talks is I never intended to be a spiritual guy it just you know first I got my butt kicked enough that I had to do this work and then I like the results and I continued on so in a way you know this program has given me you know a perspective which I never thought I’d have uh I I talked about eight and nine the importance of making amends and the freedom that brings uh I you know I made amends to people that I were on my never list you know especially my dad who I who I had a lot of uh reservations about uh making amends to him and and again getting sober young and being in sobriety while all it means is I my amends about my using days my drinking days are kind of small right I caused some damage I did some stuff it’s the amends I make later on when I’m supposed to be sober you know and 10 years in 12 years in you know and I’m stumbling off the same thing and I’ve got to do a fourth step again with somebody that that’s humbling but I was able to do both uh you know both an amends at the beginning of my recovery and Midway through my my dad who uh I would never have thought I’d forgiven him you know the the violence I saw uh from him in our household and his um well it’s not his inventory it’s mine so I’ll just say that I I had trouble and this is where the amends comes in is I had trouble with relationships with other men because I didn’t make amends to my dad and I couldn’t forgive my dad I couldn’t have clean in the- moment relationships with women because I was holding back and not making amends and forgiving my mom it is hard for me to be in the moment and respect you and be present for you if I’m dragging my ghosts around bottom line so I can have relationships today with friends with loved ones and I’m with you I’m not with my my mom my dad that guy that you know the you know the abuser the you know any of that stuff I’m with you today and that was probably the biggest Freedom that comes from from my eite and then um 10 111 12 I’ll just say that uh you know there’s some big pieces there uh and and I can talk forever about the step workor and and how important it is and and I’ll try just sum up you know 10 gives me the ability to to do inventories you know spot check inventory am I off track on this PA in in my tracks given the ability to uh make direct amends um and that took time as well early on I would go oh I did something wrong I need to make a m to that guy I’ll wait till I see him again oh good he wasn’t that at meeting on Friday I’ll see him next Friday this is the Home Group and then I’m then carrying that around for a month I’ve learned the value of make amends right away pause possible stop in the middle of the behavior and make an events uh it is uh freeing and that’s what I’ve looking for from from this recovery stuff is being free um it also removes the the blockers you know I I’ve been you know I mentioned my problem problem is that when I have these Character defects these resentments these uh harms done to you in the the way of my relationship with you it blocks me it blocks me from my higher power it blocks me from you and it blocks me from from myself because I I carry around the emotional baggage that’s related to that so 10 gives me that quick that quick relief that I need in order to get back and get clear um 11 seventh step I’ll just say that u s again St Francis prayer was huge for me in my transformation uh meditation was really important uh and I’ll talk about that again in a second uh and 12th step is the the the payoff right I’ve learned that first of all in the 12 and 12 it says th in the big book it says nothing will ensure immunity from drinking as a as intensive work with other alcoholics that uh number one is a great promise and something I want so I do a lot of service work with with other alcoholics I enjoy it it it’s a it’s a huge blessing for me to turn what was uh a a lifetime of what I thought was going to be useless suffering into um a Channel of God’s love and peace um and then you know I also get to get all the benefits you know in Step 12 it talks about uh emotional sobriety right it talks about being of usefulness to others in the 12 and 12 it’s like one of my favorite sections it talks about the service gladly rendered obligations squarely met troubles well accepted or solved with God’s help the knowledge that at home and in the world outside we are Partners in the common effort the well understood fact that in God’s sight all human beings are important the proof that love freely given surely brings a full return and it goes on and on I don’t want to take up more of the time but like that in itself I when I read that like that’s it like these are the things that 12-step work deep 12 step work getting to a place of emotional sobriety gets me to uh and the last thing I’ll mention is like there I if I bring up kind of three things which helped me keep anchoring this it is again humility the ability to to seek um putting the course before the cart the way it’s supposed to be being of service and and Consulting and and connecting with others in my higher power and being open to to correction and and understanding my true nature that humility hugely important second is forgiveness and that is both for the past and the present what’s happening in the moment I can let go it’s my choice right how long I want to h on to it it’s my choice how long do I want to suffer my choice forgiveness has been key and finally I I mentioned in kind of Step 11 is mindfulness um I spent most of my life in an emotional blackout right react just reacting to life just not being aware how did those words leave my mouth I did it again you know whatever it might be in order to recover from emotional black out I need to be mindful I need to be present and the mindfulness practice that that I’ve incorporated into my life has given me that that ability you know just a little space for me to be present in my daily life before I before I react act out again so uh I’ve been talking for a really long time I hope this helped frame up a little bit about how the step work can lead me to some emotional sobriety to recovery from my past uh the ability to to live in the present without getting hung up and uh I want to thank everyone for being here tonight thanks thank you for listening to sober Sunrise if you enjoyed today’s episode please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message until next time have a great day