AA Speaker – Travis A. – Lethbridge, Alberta, Canada – 2010
Travis A. from Alberta shares his journey from homelessness and addiction to three years sober through working the 12 steps with an AA speaker meeting focused on surrender and spiritual recovery.
Travis A. from Alberta entered AA at 18, lost years to heavy drinking and homelessness, and found his way back through working the steps with a sponsor. In this AA speaker tape, he describes the insanity of his drinking—planning to burn his truck for insurance money, stealing, getting into street violence—and how surrender and step work turned his life completely around, leading to marriage, homeownership, and becoming a father.
Travis A. spent years in active alcoholism before entering AA at 18, experiencing homelessness, multiple treatment centers, and the complete loss of power over alcohol. He describes hitting bottom in a crack house downtown and finding recovery through working the 12 steps with a sponsor in Medicine Hat, particularly through Step 4 inventory work and accepting a Higher Power. After three years sober, Travis shares how step work transformed his relationships with his parents and sister, allowed him to become a productive millwright apprentice, get married, buy a home, and have a newborn daughter.
Episode Summary
Travis A. opens this AA speaker meeting with a joke about mistaken identity and a police car, setting a lighter tone for a talk that covers some of the darkest territory in active addiction. But unlike the joke, his story is all too real—a guy who entered the program at 18, got some sobriety, lost it, and spent years in the chaos of his disease before finding solid recovery.
The beginning of Travis’s drinking is classic—he had nameless fears, anxiety about what others thought, and alcohol made all that disappear. His skin felt like it fit. But early on, he had an intuition, a clear voice telling him if he continued down this path, he’d have trouble for a very long time. He rationalized it away: “I’m too young. I’ll stop just before I lose control.” He didn’t.
What follows are stories of genuine insanity. Travis found himself planning to light his truck on fire to collect insurance money, then go on a two-week bender. He was stealing stereo equipment from cars outside a bar. He woke up not knowing where he’d put his truck and reported it stolen—only to find out later a white GMC had burned down nearby. He couldn’t handle money, couldn’t hold jobs, and questioned whether he was a psychopath because he couldn’t tell the difference between truth and lies anymore.
After four treatment centers—each time waiting for a magic pill that would let him drink safely again—Travis hit the wall. His father packed his bags and took him to a homeless shelter downtown. Travis remembers both of them crying. He stayed in the shelter for seven months, then tried to move forward. But once he got into school at a trades program, he relapsed back into it, ending up in a crack house downtown where guys were beating him up, threatening to tie him to a basement, carrying knives.
The turning point came when Travis took a job through the Millwrights Hall in Medicine Hat. A man who barely knew him—someone he’d met through AA—picked him up, put his room on his credit card, bought groceries, and drove him to work every day. That guy believed in him when Travis didn’t believe in himself.
In Medicine Hat, Travis found a sponsor who walked him through the steps differently. Instead of just reciting them, this sponsor had him write down the first time he drank, why, how it made him feel—then do the same for the middle of his drinking career and the last time he drank. By laying it out that way, Travis could see the disease progress, see the obsession of the mind taking over, see how his body couldn’t stop once he started.
The core of Travis’s recovery is Step 4 and Step 5 work. He writes down his resentments, fears, and gradually his part in things. For years, he says, he couldn’t see his part. His fingers were pointing everywhere else. But working through the Fourth Step with his sponsor, he began to see patterns. He realized he’d place himself in positions to get hurt based on selfishness. He had impossibly high expectations. He put people on pedestals and was devastated when they failed. Over time, the Fourth Step shifted something in him—he stopped being the perpetual victim and started taking responsibility.
Travis also talks about his beliefs changing. He writes what he calls a “wanted Higher Power ad”—describing what kind of power could help him recover. He wanted one that was all-inclusive, never exclusive. One that could discipline him, create opportunity, inspire him to put others first, give him peace of mind, remind him to pause when agitated or doubtful. He came to understand the difference between belief, faith, and trust—you can believe in something you’ve read about, have faith once you’ve seen it work, and trust means you’re willing to act on it.
By his third year sober, Travis’s life had completely transformed. He went back and made amends—not just big dramatic ones, but simple ones that matter. He started showing up to work. He paid his bills. He paid off an insurance company premium he’d been dodging. He went back to the co-op and admitted to stealing water bottles. When he hit a guardrail in his dad’s car, he paid his dad $2,500 for the damage.
The relationships that were hurt most—with his father and sister—became the strongest relationships he has today. He took his parents to dinner, gave them letters, and was able to hug them and say he loves them. He met the woman who would become his wife and married her. He’s now working as a millwright apprentice, owns a home, and has a newborn daughter named Vienna.
Travis reflects on what freedom actually means—not doing whatever you want whenever you want, but staying on the track you’re meant to be on, like a train on rails. When he blazes his own trail, he’s not actually free. The steps and the fellowship are like a rock tumbler, smoothing the rough edges off each person who passes through, until you start to shine.
He ends with the poem “The Touch of the Master’s Hand,” about an old, battered violin that no one wants until the master picks it up and plays it beautifully. People ask what changed its worth. The auctioneer replies: “The touch of the master’s hand.”
Notable Quotes
Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. You take a cucumber and you pickle it and it turns into a pickle, and you can’t take the pickle out of the pickle.
I thought I was such a bad person, but slowly I realized I wasn’t a bad person. I was a sick person.
Lack of power was my problem, and I had to find a power in which I could live.
The solution is simple, but it’s not easy.
The wolf that wins is the one you feed—the one you continue to feed with the good and the love and the self-sacrificing.
If I want to recover from alcoholism, I want to talk to another alcoholic, and I want to be able to give back what I was freely given.
Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
Step 2 – Higher Power
Hitting Bottom
Sponsorship
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 1 – Powerlessness
- Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
- Step 2 – Higher Power
- Hitting Bottom
- Sponsorship
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
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We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Okay, good evening everyone. My name is uh Travis Alers and I'm an alcoholic.
Justin, >> maybe uh to start off I uh just thanking uh you know it takes uh I understand and and can see that uh throwing uh putting together a roundup like this uh takes a lot of work and you know a lot of self-sacrifice uh you know it doesn't just happen. And there's a lot of money and a lot of preparation and uh you know really appreciate uh all all uh that has been been done for me and and uh you know uh just thank you uh the committee for for being able to to put on an event uh we can all get together and and uh share uh experience, strength and hope and um yeah Tyler uh Tyler Fees uh gave me a call and uh you know I couldn't uh couldn't have called uh from a at a better time there. I was at uh work.
I was working a night shift and man, I didn't want to be there and uh I want to be home with my wife and and uh you know, I was getting a little bit of Raz from from the guys at work and um he called and just uh totally uh changed my day right around and I probably stood uh I I got the message and and uh probably sat in my chair for about two or uh 5 minutes and absolutely amazement. You know, it was the longest time I paused ever. you know, it was uh it was uh yeah, it was pretty uh pretty mind-blowing.
I I couldn't believe it. You know, I uh I got this this joke uh just just maybe to start off with a little bit of humor. I could probably recite it uh from my memory, but uh I don't know if I'd like to do that.
I'd probably uh miss the punch line or something. So, you know, but feel free to laugh, you know. Um, make me feel a little bit better anyway.
But you don't have to. Uh, a friend forwarded uh me this. It says, "Uh, now this is drunk.
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends played with him to let him take let them take him home. He says, "No, he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from the party, the police pull pull him over. They check his license and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blar out and notice the robbery is taking place in the house around the block.
The police tell the party animal to stay put. They'll be back and and uh they run around the corner to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.
When he gets there, he tells his wife he's going to bed and tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and he's been bed in bed all day. A few hours later, the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr.
Smith is there and and his wife says yes. They ask him ask to see him and she replies he has been in bed all day and has been there uh he has been in bed with the flu and has been there all day. The police still have his driver's license.
They asked to see his car. She asked why. They insist on seeing his car.
So she takes them to the garage. She opens the door and there the police car with lights on and everything is sitting in this man's garage. This man told this story on his first AA meeting.
You know what? I don't want to disappoint anyone, but I don't think my story is as intriguing as that would be. But I guess uh you know I don't know there's uh anyone new here today.
if you you know probably have your attention for the next uh 5 minutes. I know that because I was new once and I didn't really pay too much attention. But, you know, if if you're new or uh to the fellowship or the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and and you hear one thing that that I have to say, I just hope that you hear that that there is a solution uh to to alcohol and alcoholism and and uh you know, we can recover one day at a time.
you know um uh it was it was explained to me in the beginning you know I I always uh you know like why why does uh someone come around here for for 30 years and you know I always thought uh why doesn't this guy get it already? you kind of just uh you know figure this thing out and and uh start some more controlled drinking and and uh you know was explained to me uh once an alcoholic always an alcoholic and and uh you take a cucumber and and you you pickle it and it turns into a pickle and you can't take the you can't take the pickle out of the pickle you know so so they they said uh you you're pickled you know and I thought okay um you know Alcoholics Anonymous uh really has has uh no monopoly on on sobriety, but we do have a uh program of of action and recovery that has helped uh millions of people uh stay sober. Um you know, I'm I'm not a reformed drinker.
I don't go go on crusades uh over drinking. You know, I just know that I cannot safely uh drink alcohol myself. Um you know, when I first got got into Alcoholics Anonymous, I I just uh I I thought I was such a such a bad person.
And you know, I did so many horrible things and and I was just such a horrible person. I was just such a bad person and and uh you know, working with uh some people and and slowly I became to realize that that I wasn't a bad person. I was a sick person, you know, you know, and uh but I had this this hopelessness and and this feeling um my life just felt uh absolutely hopeless and and totally meaningless, you know.
Um, and that's that's how I felt when when I came into the to the rooms. Um, now there really is is a difference between communication and listening. And I hope today that that maybe uh God can can inspire and work through me and be I'll be able to to communicate a message and and maybe not as it won't be the message that that you hear, but uh you know hopefully uh we'll be able to um God will inspire me to to say something that that uh you know some uh some people can be able to take home from this.
And um it was explained to me in the beginning that Bill W is uh you know was a co-founder of of Alcoholics Anonymous and and the big book uh was written with 100 men and women and you know it was it was kind of cool to see that that how Bill writes he he's a very ambiguous uh ambiguous writer and he likes to you know take a number of different points or or make try to stress to stress an idea he would take uh a number of different ways to uh or uh illustration to be able to get that point across. And and I don't know about you guys, but I sure know in the in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous that there's and you know, we're always trying to to uh teach uh in a different way and we all learn differently and and uh you know, it's it's always better to to come up with, you know, the the solution stays the same and the message stays the same, but but how it can be carried across can be different, you know, and uh um you know, I was uh born in in Stony Plain, Alberta. I uh uh born in a Catholic family.
Uh parents uh good parents, you know. I had a pretty normal upbringing, you know. Um I was uh promiscuous at a very young age.
Uh I I just had so many nameless fears, you know, and I just didn't think that that I could trust uh many people. I uh I didn't didn't understand and and I couldn't identify with these fears. I just know that I had so many uh so many of these nameless fears and and the first drink, you know, that the first uh time I drank it, it took all that away.
you and I I can't really describe it except for you know and and that's what what the first drink did for me you know and it took all that away and I was able to my skin felt like it fit and and you know whether I fit in or not I didn't care you know and that was just the way it was and and I was always so worried about what other people thought of me you know and and the first drink uh took that away and it and it basically distorted my perception of reality and and eluded me from from a reality Uh eventually as uh I progressed in in my alcoholism uh I had an intuition very early in my I guess uh getting loaded career or drinking career that you know I had this this profound thought. It was like is you know if you go down this path and continue to do things the things you're doing you're going to have trouble with this for a very long time. you know, I I it was crystal clear and it was just immediately dispelled and and uh I immediately uh rationalized and justified uh the things that I was doing and my actions, you know, like it can't happen to me and and uh you know, I'm too young.
Um I'll stop just before I lose control, you know, and uh and all these different lies that that I told myself. And um maybe just to give you an illustration of of where I was uh in my drinking a little bit a little bit into it. I was uh drinking at at a pub there and um before a couple days before I was talking with a member of of AA and and uh I was thinking, you know, planning and scheming on ways to to get and more get uh more and to be able to use more and I figured, you know, if I take my truck and if I light my truck on fire, I'll be able to collect the insurance money.
You know, I don't know why I didn't sell my truck in the first place, but doesn't make sense to me. But this was a brilliant idea. You know, I figured uh so if I if I light my truck on fire, I'll be able to collect the insurance money and then uh I can go and and go on this two week bender and and just be uh you know, rolling on dubs.
But um um I was at this pub and and you know I was just I remember drinking this beer or whatever I was drinking and it was just going down like water and I was just pounding the stuff back and and uh all of a sudden uh I was I was uh you know picking fights with with all my friends. Uh you know I was uh in conflict with my brother. We were outside uh kind of tussling around.
Uh I remember that night I I tried to call my ex-girlfriend uh poor girl. You know, dude, I uh my my cousin uh pulled up. He was a little bit late to the party and and uh you know, I was always just trying to get warmed up and I always overshot.
Hey, you know, uh my my cousin uh he pulled up and and uh I got all this stereo equipment in my arms. Hey, and I'm I'm robbing these vehicles all around this this little pub. Hey, I got uh radars and and uh you know, satellite radios and and a CD deck.
And he says, "What are you doing?" I didn't really know. Oh, and I threw I asked him if I could took this put this stuff in his truck and uh that's all I remember the night. I woke up at a at a buddy's place and and uh I was looking for my truck and I didn't know where I put my truck.
E so I figured uh it must have been stolen. Uh so so I called the the cops and and I reported it stolen. I filled out a police report.
I uh called the insurance company and uh reported it stolen with them. Uh, and then I was at at an AA meeting uh that night and and the guy that I was told told I would uh start my truck on fire and and uh collect the insurance money. I told him I lost my truck and he said, "Well, there was a a white GMC." It was a truck I was driving at the time.
And he said, "That was on fire just last night in front of uh there was a white GMC. I don't know if it was yours, but it was on fire in between Stony and Spruce." And I'm thinking, "Oh no, you know, what did I do, man?" um you know so so uh I didn't want to you know make any uh I didn't want to go over there or nothing you know I so I just uh kept looking for my truck and my truck uh turned up uh 3 days later I found it was way down a back alley and and uh a number of blocks away from my friend's house there but uh you know this is the insanity I I just didn't uh really have a clue and I was just trying to have fun you Yeah, just just trying to have fun and uh made a lot of friends that night, you know, as you can see. Um I couldn't handle money, you know.
I I uh I I really couldn't, you know. I I'd work uh a number of different jobs, man. I would work everywhere.
I would work on the pipelines, on the rigs, or or whatever. And and uh anywhere that would pay me, and uh I I would make a a bit of money and I would be gone, you know, and and they would have no track of me. and and uh well that's you know that's the way I was uh I couldn't handle money at all you know um I questioned uh you know I really questioned my sanity I questioned if I were a psychopath because I really didn't know you know I I thought uh I was absolutely the things I was doing and uh I thought uh I might be a psychopath I I entered alcohol synonymous when I was 18 years old you know I sobered up when I'm 20 when I was 22 I'm uh 25 today I've had three years of of continuous sobriety and to the I guess thanks to the grace of God and the fellowship and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous but but when I got here man I couldn't tell the difference between the truth and the false you know maybe I could maybe I just didn't care you know and that was you know when you're in that that's scary you know that's uh that's a very scary place to be um I uh I was through uh four treatment centers uh every time I I went there I was waiting for the magic wand to come over and be waved over my head and to cure me and or they'd come out with this pill and and they'd give me this pill and, you know, I would be able to to drink safely again.
I was waiting for the quick fix and it never came, you know. Um I uh I thought uh I thought I I was supposed to to get involved in this uh one treatment center. was out of Calgary and uh this treatment center was was for a year long and uh I I just couldn't see myself staying sober for for a year.
You know, I couldn't see it and and I thought that, you know, if I could go to treatment and if they kept me there for a year, uh that, you know, I would be able to get a little bit of sobriety and maybe a foundation under my feet. and and uh I I thought that, you know, I would never own anything uh worth anything of value anymore because I never as soon as I had anything, I would always sell it or give it away or upon it. And and uh I thought I would have to have like a bodyguard.
The book talks about, you know, we thought he had to have a bodyguard to to walk around with him the whole time because he just couldn't uh couldn't stay sober on his own will. And that was me, you know. That was absolutely me.
I lost the power of choice in drink, you know, and uh you know, there was at times there was no mental defense against against the first one. Um I was uh still living with my parents at the time and and I knew I was on my last legs there and I came home uh one weekend from a vendor and and my dad had my bags packed and he asked me where I wanted to go and I didn't really know. He took me uh to the homeless shelter uh the Herb Jameson Center downtown.
And I just remember when he dropped me off, he was crying and we were both crying and and uh you know, I didn't know what was what was going on. And and I really wanted to to stop, but at that time I really couldn't, you know, and that was the first time that that I realized that that this is serious and and I probably lost the power of choice, you know. Um I stayed in the in the homeless shelter for 7 months.
they had a treatment uh deal there or whatever and uh you know I followed the program. I went into transitional housing and I went back out again after 7 months. Um my last uh my last drink I was uh actually uh attending school.
It was shortly after that I was attending Nate. I was uh a first year milright at at Nate and and uh studying and I got through a couple weeks of the course and I was you know off to the races again. Um, I uh found myself in in uh a crack shack uh downtown in someone's basement.
Uh there were guys that were uh beating me up. Uh I was threatened that I was going to get uh tied up in a basement and raped. Um everyone was carrying knives and and uh you know, I come to the door and I'd get my face beat up and and you know, I just I just couldn't all this stuff, man.
And I couldn't kept I couldn't uh stop from going to this place because that's you know that's where I got I got loaded you know and and uh I'm an alcoholic but but when I drink it distorts my perception of reality and inevitably leads me to drugs you know and I had to come to the source and and uh you know I I'm an alcoholic but um when I drink it it distorts my perception of reality and and it inevitably leads me back to that first drink you know Um, I uh I I pulled uh a job from the the Milrights Hall. I'm a a member with the Milrights Hall and I actually went to work in uh Medicine Hat. I had to get out of the city.
I just figured uh you know, maybe the geological uh cure or whatever would uh fix me and and I I took off and to Medicine Hat. Um this guy, he picked me up. You know, I didn't have a vehicle.
I didn't have a penny to my name. And I remember he picked me up and and he he drove me down there. Um, you know, he he put my my uh uh room on his on his credit card.
He uh you know, bought me groceries. He took me to work every day with him. And you know, I was just like, how do you find a guy like this?
You know, and and I knew him a little bit, but but he knew a little bit about me and and he knew a little bit of of where I was going and and a couple things that I've been through. And and just out of the goodness of this guy's heart, he kind of trusted me and was giving me another chance, you know. And I'd uh go to work 5 days a week and and uh I'd walk to a meeting uh every day.
It was a 20-minute walk and I'd uh walk to a meeting every night and uh you know I'd uh change the garbages and and uh wash the coffee cups at the end and then I'd walk back and it was winter time and sometimes it was snowing and I just I just knew I had to go to a meeting, you know. Um I uh I I found this uh one guy and he he wanted me to uh uh write down, you know, ho how the first time I drank, you know, why I drank, how it made me feel. He wanted me to write down uh halfway in my drinking career, you know, how how it escalated uh how it made me feel, why I drank, what was the outcome, you know, for the first time I drank the middle and and the last time I drank and I was able to see uh the disease as it described in the big book.
I was able to see it progress in my life. Um I was able to see the obsession of the mind you know taking over and I was able to see uh how the allergy works that on once I put it into my body you know it becomes virtually impossible to stop. Um so I couldn't stay sober because of my mind and I couldn't stop because of my body and I was absolutely uh powerless over alcohol.
Um, you know, I I like to it was described to me in the beginning, you know, we we have a daily reprieve, you know, contingent on on a spiritual uh condition and and it's almost like, you know, you know, we're we're we're sick people, but but we h we can uh recover from from this disease and and it's almost like a person with with diabetes, you know, you can't see it, but you just know it's there, you know, and and they just need to get their daily insulin, you know, and that's what it's like for me, the the 12 steps of alcoholic synonymous is and the the the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous is is my daily insulin that allows me to stay sober one day at a time. And uh you know I I uh I I I stopped uh running from from everything and and all this this chaos that I was creating in my life and and it's almost like the avalanche, you know, you can run and run and run and then all of a sudden you run out of breath and you can't you can't run no more and you stop and this avalanche just covers you, you know, and life wasn't peachy for me when I first overed up, you I wasn't I wasn't the the greatest thing, but I had a lot of a lot of stuff going on, you know, and and that's that's just the way uh the way things went. Uh you know, so so lack of power was my problem, and I had to find a power, you know, in which in which I could live.
Um I uh I was then told to to write uh a wanted higher power ad, you know, and and uh you know, I believed in God. I was raised in a Roman Catholic home, but you know, my God wasn't working for me, you know, so I had to come up with a new one. And uh so, so I started writing this uh wanted higher power ad.
And I actually uh found it there the other day. I've added a couple things to it. And if you don't mind, I'm going to just read out a couple things.
Um, I had been uh involved in in AA, you know, for a number of years and I was trying to get this thing and I knew I I seen that that other people were doing it, you know, so it gave me a little bit of hope that that if you can get sober doing it this way, then maybe I could, you know, and I just wanted to to try and and uh hone my beliefs to what the big book believed, you know, and maybe then I could I could get sober and and uh you know, it I my beliefs of of God are a lot uh different today than than they were when I when I came in and um a friend uh says, you know, I I believe in a God today that that doesn't forgive me, you know, and and uh you kind of think, well, what why would you believe in a God that doesn't forgive you? And and he says, uh because he didn't condemn me in the first place, you know, and and I think that's 100% the truth, you know, and you know, we make our own problems and uh you know, we we we really I do it to myself, you know, I do it to myself and and I kind of like that. And there's so many different things that that if a guy becomes honest uh willing and open-minded uh open-minded uh you know this this program can take you so many different places but but I wrote down uh wanted higher empower must discipline me to recover from a hopeless state of mind and body uh to change my feeling attitude and outlook on life to provide an immediately immediate and overwhelming God consciousness to seed honestly honesty willingness and open-mindedness must create opportunity to be a productive member of society I never thought I could ever be a productive member of society, you know, and that was important to me.
Uh must be all-incclusive, never exclusive. I was sick and tired of all the debates. What's right, what's wrong, this religion is right, that's wrong.
And and I was just sick and tired of it, you know. I I wanted just to believe in in a God that was that was all-incclusive, never exclusive, you know. um uh willingness to to face my problems in the light of AA's experience.
A power that speaks to me through others people and and leads me to a place uh safe and protected. I would like to believe in a power that inspires me to place the needs of others ahead of my own. Um that will be with me in all my activities when I ask.
A power that is understanding and has a sense of humor. Gives me the ability to tell the difference between the truth and the false. uh that helps helps uh my peace of mind and prosperity, a power that uh inspires me to with uh intuitive thoughts uh that reminds me to to pause when agitated or doubtful.
Uh to place awareness in in uh in my recovery that that uh I know I'm not running the show and uh constantly uh remind me to to say to myself, "Thy will uh not mine be done." Um I believe in a power that could and would if he were sought. And uh you know I believe that that God will do for me what what what I can't do for myself. And and uh you know you you people uh a number of uh AE members you know they just ask me a question point blank you know do you now believe or or are you willing to believe and and it really is is can be that simple you know and um so so I even though like the I wrote down uh my characteristics of my higher power.
I really thought that I found God, you know, but but I really didn't find God. I just thought that I did, you know, and I found God later on in in the 12 steps about ghost anonymous. I was able to and maybe not even God.
Maybe it was this power, you know, and and really step two is not about God. It's it's just about finding a power and lack of power was my dilemma. And and uh I had a step one experience, you know, and I became open-minded, you know.
I was I was willing to to grasp on anything, you know. Um, I really had uh two alternatives, you know, and and uh, you know, I can go on uh I can accept uh accept spiritual help because I honestly wanted to and was willing to make the effort or or else I can continue to go the way I was going and and that way you know I knew that nothing good was to come of it, you know. And uh my a friend uh in in a he just describes it in a way, you know, it was almost like a fork in the road, you know, I could uh I didn't know where where the 12 steps of of Alcoholics Anonymous were taking me, but I just didn't know it was directly off the cliff I was taking myself, you know, and that was good enough for me, you know.
I was I was happy with that. I came in, I I had uh two misconceptions. Uh one one uh I I thought I knew what what God was, and I really didn't.
and and I thought I knew, you know, what an alcoholic was. And those really were were two huge misconceptions that, you know, that uh I have a lot better understanding of of what that is today. Um I was explained, uh you know, there really is two alcoholics synonymous.
There there is the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, which I tried to stay sober on for for uh the past, uh 3 or four years of trying to get sober, and I couldn't do it. you know, I had to get involved in in working the 12 steps and I had to get get my feet moving and uh they get uh get to work and and uh you know they asked me you know either either God is everything or he is nothing you know and and what is my choice to be and you know these things are are so simple how the book uh talks about these things and and uh you know simple not easy you know it's it's just the solution is is simple but But it's not easy, you know. Um the the minute I was I was able to see uh you know, it talks about in page 60 to 63 of our big book and and the minute that I was I was finally able to see how I can be the actor and how I can control and manipulate things, you know, in my own life.
And it wasn't just uh, you know, lip service or it wasn't just, you know, I I I'm saying I I got it, but but I really don't. I was able to actually see it in my day-to-day living and in my actions and and how I'm dealing with things and and uh that was incredible to me, you know, because that was that was just the hugest thing, man, you know, because you can't you can't fix nothing you don't you you can't see, right? And I was finally able to see that, you know, and and I thought that was the most coolest thing, you know.
I uh I was the alcoholic who who uh prayed and prayed and prayed and and just expected uh you know, God to do the work for me and and uh you know, the third step prayer says, you know, God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and to do with me as I will. You know, this is 50/50 deal. You know, uh God's not going to do for me what I can't do for myself.
And I really needed to to do the things and take responsibility for myself and and uh uh the toughest thing in in recovery was was to get sober doing it someone else's way, you know, because I had all these ideas, man. And I had all these different plans and designs for my life. And I would come up, it was almost like uh being in the ring, just uh being in the ring with with King Alcohol, you know, and I'd come up with this idea and I'd go around with King Alcohol and he'd knock my ass out and and I'd be on the ground and and uh you know, I'd be out for a little bit and and all of a sudden, uh you know, no mental defense and and uh I lost the power of choice and there I go again.
I got this other idea on how to recover and and uh once again, I'm knocked out and and that's you know, that's the way it was. And and I I really the toughest thing I think in recovery was was to do it, you know, someone else's way because, you know, you get involved in and they say, you know, you got to get a sponsor and how does this guy know me, you know, like what does this guy know? He's never known me.
I got to call this guy. I didn't even know him and uh I got to follow his advice. Like what is this thing, you know, but that was that was really tough for me.
And uh you know the foundation of steps 1, 2, and three were were absolutely critical. Um I I really didn't know what what my will in my life was. It was uh until I I I went through up to to step seven and I had a bit of a a more uh better understanding of of what my will in my life really was.
Um there's there really is a difference between belief and faith and faith and trust, you know, and and uh I heard one time that there's say uh say a guy picks up a newspaper and he sees on the front page that this guy's a tightroppe walker and and he walks across skyscrapers in Edmonton and and uh you know, you go go to that place on the belief that this guy can walk across these skyscrapers, right? And uh you see him do it, you see him do it once and and you know, okay, well, you know, let's see it do it again. And then he does it again and and now you have faith that that he can do it again.
You know, first you're going on belief, now you see him do it a couple times, now you have faith he can do it. And he grabs the wheelbarrow and he says, "You think I can do it?" And he walks this tight rope on this wheelbarrow, you know, and uh you have faith he can do it. He's seen him do it.
And then he asks you, "Well, do you trust I can do it?" And you say, "Well, yeah, I trust you can do it." And he says, "Well, jump in." You know, so So there's a a big difference between belief and faith and and uh faith and trust. Um getting uh by this time uh I'm almost uh I'm coming back from from medicine hat and uh you know I I got to got to keep going because I would just do the the 1 2 3 shuffle you know 1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2 3 and I would stop at four or I would stop at 9:00 and and uh I wasn't able to stay sober. I knew I had to had to get more and and uh I I I would try to do this step four and uh I made huge progress and it was absolutely incredible uh part of my recovery just sitting down, you know, one alcoholic with another, you know, with with my sponsor at the time and and to go through um this step for process, I was able to to to write down uh my angers or my fears uh you know what the what the cause was, how it affected me.
I was able to see, you know, how how these things affected me. And then finally, I was able to see my part, you know, I was able to finally see my part. I I'm telling you, I couldn't see it, you know.
I couldn't see it for the life of me. I I tried and I and it was it was all that guy's fault, you know, and and I would be blaming and my fingers would be pointing all over the place and and uh you know, resentment is is a is a reoccurring feeling, you know, and and as it reoccurs and and it becomes uh I'm able to turn it into from a mountain into a molehill really uh really quick or or a molehill into a mountain real quick. And um these feelings that that I had, you know, they're real, but they're they're just irrational, you know, like they but fancied or real, they had the power to actually kill me, you know, and and and I had to be rid of them and and uh I was I was finally able to to see some some truth and some facts, you know, because my drinking was was really but a symptom and I had to get down to to the causes and conditions, you know, and um so so getting down to to more of the acts.
I was able to to see uh and begin to take responsibility and not be the victim all the time, you know, cuz all the time, man, I was just walking around and always playing the victim. Always, you know, it was always done to me and and I was always pointing the finger and, you know, my sponsor told me, you know, victims don't recover and and I couldn't afford to be a victim, you no more. you know, I I uh experienced enough pain and I really wanted to uh to get sober and so I really tried to to begin to take responsibility for for my own actions and and that was a big step, you know, that was a a huge beginning just to be able to do that, you know.
Um I I would call uh call him on a couple different occasions and and uh this guy did that to me and he said that to me and oh well you know you don't have to be so over sensitive you know but this guy hurt my one feeling you know and you know uh I was able to to see that that uh that I was an alcoholic a little bit on a deeper level. I was able to to see that that, you know, I'm I'm not so unique as I thought I was, you know, and I thought nobody could could understand how I feel, you know, and I was able to to see that that I just wasn't uh wasn't so unique. Um, beginning to to see a little bit of patterns, you know, in in my actions and thinking and and uh, you know, I was starting to analyze my motives for doing things a little bit a little bit more, you know.
Um, I I would always uh assume things, you know, I would always read minds. I don't know if you guys do this every once in a while, but but I'm a mind reader. Hey, and and uh I would make these assumptions and and uh it was shown to me in the back of the book, you know.
Uh um there's one man who uh one principle who will hold a man in everlasting ignorance, and that principle is contempt prior to investigation, you And that just uh brought me to to you know don't don't uh judge a book by its cover you know don't uh just assume things until you know the facts until you absolutely are 100% sure you know and that gets me out of trouble sometimes you know and I thought that was pretty cool. Um I was able to see a little bit better why I thought the way I thought and why I acted the way I acted you know. Um I I I a number of times I would put these put everyone on pedestals, you know, uh my sponsor and a couple people in in my home group, you know, I would put these people on pedestals and and they're only human, you know, and they're not perfect and they're going to fail.
But when they failed, I would be absolutely devastated. But I was able to see that that it's not right to put these people on on on pedestals and and my real my real reliance must be on God, you know, and I was able to to see that in this fourth step, you know. Um I I uh was able to see numerous times that I placed myself in a position to be hurt, you know, but uh based on self, you know, I made decisions based on self which later placed me in a position to be hurt.
Time and time again, man, it was it was a lot of it coming down to selfishness, you know. Um expectations. I had so such high expectations of of uh everyone and and of myself.
And um you know I I had to begin to be a little bit more accepting of of uh people, you know, places. Um to not to not take myself so seriously all the time, you know, to be able to to just go about about my day and and uh be able to laugh at at some of my mistakes that that a guy makes or or uh you know, just to to cut up and and have fun. And um I was given uh you know it's outlined uh there's a prayer for fear and a prayer for uh for anger and and uh you know I was able to finally see in the book and be able to to recite these prayers every once in a while you know when when these things would crop up and um uh judgment.
I would I would judge people you know and I was absolutely terrified because uh you know I was I was scared. I was I was just a bad person because I would judge these people and if I had if I could um if I wanted to get sober, I had to quit judging for some reason. That's what that's what I thought.
And and uh you know, I'm telling my sponsor or talking to my sponsor about this stuff and and he says uh you know, judgment is is uh a natural uh natural uh human instinct and and you know, in order to to judge, everyone judges, you know, and everyone does judge. It's just it's wrong for me to get to a place where where I'm condemning and and criticizing people, you know, but but the judgments I have are are are absolutely, you know, everyone judges, you know, and and uh I need to judge the the the healthy people but to towards the non-healthy people in order for me to stay sober, you know. So, so this is an important thing that that I need to do and it really can get off track if I start criticizing or condemning people.
Um, a friend uh talks about uh he says that he sees people in more shades of gray, you know, and and we're all uh children of God and we each have the right to be here. Nobody's nobody's higher or nobody's lower, you know, we just start to see things in a little bit uh more more shades of gray. and you know what what other people think of me is none of my business you know and I was able to to see like these these facts and and this truth about myself was was you know incredible.
It was a good beginning to to recovery and um I always thought about myself you know occasionally I thought what you were thinking about me you know but but usually it was it was it was all about me. Um, I was uh I was in medicine hat there one year later and and uh I you know the first year it was okay because I just needed to work and and uh I was on firewatch. That was my duty.
Hey, so my second year back I was a year sober now and I'm thinking I'm going to get all the good jobs and and you know what? They put me on firewatch again, you know. So, I called my sponsor.
They got me on firewatch and I'm just pissed off and and uh he says, you know, he talked me down and kind of calmed me down and and said the right things and and uh I went back to work the next day and I said, uh I talked to the farmer and I said, you know what, I'm going to be the best damn firewatch you ever seen. You know, and and the next day I wasn't a firewatch. you know, he had me on tools and um I got to work on all different kinds of uh doing alignments and and bearings and and conveyors and and I thought that was uh that was pretty damn cool.
Um to be able to talk about these secrets because our secrets keep us sick, you know, and in order to be able to to get this stuff out in the light and to be able to just uh get some truth, you know, was was absolutely incredible. And that's I think that's you know if a guy comes in here and he's contemplating uh whether he's a psychopath or not or that has the ability to differentiate between the the truth and the false false but to get these these facts out on the table was was just a huge part uh for my sobriety and um you know we we all have natural desires. It's when these desires exceed exceed what what they're meant to be.
you know, that's that's when I get myself into into quite a bit of trouble. And um you know, I I continue to to pray for willingness to to uh relieve me of of my character defects. and and uh continually reminded, you know, the difference between the boys and the men is is the difference between uh someone who's willing to to look at themselves and and to to question uh their motives and and uh their natural desires and and to to to try and look for these instincts that that uh over exceed what they're supposed to, you know, and and uh I just pray for continue to pray for the willingness to to uh uh to do that.
uh working the steps are uncomfortable for me, you know, and a lot of times it's just it's just a different way of of looking at things. It's it's a different way of dealing with things and and uh you know, it's it's almost like asking a fish to jump out of the water and walk across the desert. You know, it's just it's just 100% unnatural for me.
And and that's that's what it was like. Uh, you know, I I tell my sponsor I told my sponsor a couple times, you know, Mike, uh, if I could have done it alone, I probably would have, but but but I couldn't. And and, uh, I really needed your help.
And I tried, you know, I I really tried. And not uh, no offense, but I wouldn't be here if I didn't have to be, you know, and I proved myself time and time again, man, that I needed to be here, you know, and and if I could stay sober by myself, I I would have. And no offense to to anyone in this room or or anyone, but uh you know that's that's the truth, you know, and I'm sure if you if you're honest with yourself, you could probably say the same thing.
But um I I try and keep things simple and really comes down to uh my selfishness, my dishonesty, my resentment, and my fear, you know, and try and continue to to watch for these things, you know. Um God is able to do amazing things in my life once I become willing to help him help me, you know. Um he begins to to turn these uh liabilities into priceless assets, you know, and I'm able to to see um begin to change uh through through these steps.
And I'm able to to see that that, you know, even even some of my bad things are are are assets to other people. you know, how can I relate with anyone? God's not going to make me perfect, you know, and and and why would he?
Because I couldn't relate to nobody, you know, and I, you know, I I I keep making mistakes and doing these things and and uh questioning uh why I did this because when I figure that out, I I'm better able and and more useful to to other people, you know, and um the the solution is is simple, but it's not easy, you know. Uh there's there's this uh this battle between uh between two wolves. There's this uh native Cherokee uh uh Indian and his grandson and he's telling his grandson a story and he says, you know, there's this this battle between uh inside a man and it's a battle between two wolves.
And there's there's uh the one wolf and and he's fighting fierce and and uh he's he's got a bunch of anger, fear, resentment, you know, jealousy, dishonesty, and and he's fighting against this other wolf. And this other wolf is full is purity and and love and compassion and and uh self-sacrificing and and uh the the grandson's looking at his grandpa and he goes, "But grandpa, which one wins?" And the grandpa looks down at his grandson and he says, "The one you feed." you know, and isn't that the truth? You know, the the wolf that wins for me is the one that I feed and the one that that I continue to feed with with the good and the love and uh the self-sacrificing and and uh you know, that that's the one that that seems to be uh more predominant in my life.
Uh you know, so I'm beginning to to pray for the willingness to to make some of these events that that I have to make. And I'm uh you know, no matter what, I got to be I got to be willing whether whether a guy's going to jail, whether a guy's got to do do whatever, you know, as as long as as long as I'm willing to to make these amends. And and I got this list and and you know, my amends list comes from from my step four and I'm on my way to to go make some amends.
And uh you know you know in the first the first little bit you know that my amends process was was pretty simple you know I just uh started showing up to work you know and and uh that was that was a big a big step for me. Um I started to to pay my bills you know because I never used to do that. Uh I'm I'm just coming off uh IFS actually with my insurance company uh May May uh middle of May.
So that's that's you know I've been on IFS for for 3 years. Um that's a 20% higher premium and I just never paid the insurance company. You know I didn't think that uh that I needed to pay them and for months on end.
You know I would just be in in my uh delusional state and and uh all loaded and and I didn't pay my insurance company. you know, I I stopped uh putting empty envelopes in the bank machine trying to trick them that that I was able to to take out some money, you know, and and uh in the beginning it was all simple stuff, you know, but but it was it was big stuff for me. And and uh I started to pay off creditors because I owe I owed a bunch of money to to creditors.
And um I was driving my dad's car to work one morning. I was between cars and between jobs at the time and and uh you know, I I hit this guardrail. I was actually smoking in in his in his car and and he told me not to smoke in his car.
Like, what can I do? You know, I'm not perfect. And and I'm smoking in his car and I throw this cigarette butt out the window and it lands in the back seat.
So, I'm looking in the back seat trying to find this cigarette butt and I smash right in this guardrail. Man, it pulled the car like right up. I'm lucky to be alive.
I broke my sternum and uh you know, I'm I'm able to pay for my dad's car. you know, I was able to to to say, you know, I wrecked your car and here's uh 2500 bucks, you know, and I would have never done that had I been had I been loaded, you know. Um uh I I I don't know if you guys can relate, but but uh I used to steal and I'm a thief, you know.
I I'm a I'm a hard thief and and uh it was some of it was was pretty petty stuff, but but uh um I I would steal uh these water bottles from from IGA in co-op and I would, you know, I would walk out the door and I would empty them and then I would uh bring them back for 20 bucks, you know, and I would able to, you know, I was able to go out with a couple buddies and and uh go a night on the town with these uh $20 water bottles and and I was able to go back to to the co-op and I and uh you know, admit my wrong and and to give them restitution and and uh stop stealing water bottles, you know. So So I'm not a water bottle thief anymore, you know. But uh there was uh one time I was at the registries and I had a speeding ticket, you know, and and I blew up on this this uh girl at the clerk gay and and uh this girl at the counter and you know, it was all it was all her fault and I'm the victim and and uh I was able to go back with her and and to say that that how I reacted to that situation was wrong, you know, and and uh every time I go in there, I'm reminded because I don't want to make these amends again, you and I'm reminded that, oh, I better just pause one more second, you know, before I open my mouth, you know, and I'm able to get a little bit more clarity in how I react to things.
Um, I started uh giving charity donations to to maybe some amends that that uh I was willing to make some some amends and and uh you know, my my sponsor pulled the reins back on me and and uh again, I'm I'm you know, I I got to do things I can't continue to do things my way. So, so I listened and and I started uh making donations to to different charities. Um I started to to volunteer some time at the church.
Uh 6 months 6 months later uh I I was filling out uh this late registration form and uh I was actually you know was volunteering with the church and then all of a sudden I was I was unable or unqualified to to volunteer with the church. A and that hurt that hurt deep. Uh I I had uh a talk with with a youth counselor and and uh he I I told him that that I was going to, you know, pursue this and I was going to fight this because, you know, I I really enjoyed what I was doing and I really enjoyed uh the the sacrifice that I was able to give.
I just felt a lot better the the couple hours of service that I was able to do there. and and uh but at the time I told him uh I was going to get more involved in Alcoholics Anonymous and I was going to throw myself harder into uh maybe things that that I can do there in the time and you know 6 months later I was I was back and able to to you know get into service again with with the church and and uh I thought that was pretty cool. I it was something that that I really loved to do and I I really got a lot out of in the time and uh you know I uh I started writing uh letters to my mom and my dad and and I was I was writing these letters to my parents.
I remember just tears man just tears rolling down my face and and uh these I was able to to take them out for for dinner. I I took my dad to to a hockey game and I got him a nice card and I gave him this letter, you know, and and he just says he's so proud of me and and uh you know, we've got a gave gave him a hug and and uh you know, I took my mom out for for dinner and gave her a letter and and uh you know, you know, uh just just these these things these moments that a guy is able to experience and really feel some love, you know. um that there were times when uh when I would call my sponsor and you know what my family did and you know what my mom did and and he would just say uh you know look at all the love you know look at all the love and and you know thanks for that you know there was surrounded by lots of love you know and I just couldn't understand a lot of times um I I was uh in a shopping uh whether it was Walmart or or whatever but I was uh looking at these cards.
For some reason, I seen this one card. It had this this uh herd of sheep. Hey, and there was one black one in the middle.
And I thought, well, there's me and the black sheep. Hey, you know, but but it was no secret, you know. My family all knew that I was the black sheep of the family.
And and they knew that I thought that. Hey, they knew that that that's the way I felt, you know, and and uh I I just remember my grandparents. They would pray for me and pray for me and pray for me.
And it was just it was just so incredible that that their devotion for for prayer. And I just wanted to maybe just to to give them this this card and to tell them that I don't feel like a black sheep no more and and just to, you know, say some some really kind words and and uh I was able to to give my grandma and grandpa a hug and and to tell them I love them and and uh I would have never done that had I been drinking either or or been loaded, you know. Um there there's a couple of relationships uh a relationship with with my dad and and with my sister that there was a lot of pain.
You know, there was a lot of pain and these were probably, you know, the the the closest relationships that were hurt the most and and uh those relationships today are the strongest relationships I have, you know, and that's not me, you know. That's that's a power that I found. And uh that's that's got to be a god, you know, and and uh my parents are the most uh self-sacrificing people that I know, you know, they are uh they're very selfless people and I'm able to see that.
Um, you know, I uh I got married uh September 26th uh 2009 to my beautiful wife here in the in the front and uh that was uh an incredible day, you know, and I would have never been there, you know. I would have missed it all. Uh I uh you know and my parents were able to to be there and and uh to experience that and and uh I think there was just this healing this healing uh power that was there you know and and my dad told me after he just explained this this uh this feeling of of this power or or whatever that was there and it was just this healing effect that that he was able to feel you know and I was was with one of my older brothers on a on a canoe trip, you know, it was a was on a stag and and my older brother, he shows up with a with a cooler full of beer and and hard alcohol, no food.
Hey, and I'm figuring, oh no, oh no. You know, like like, well, at least you got your priorities straight, you know? At the end of the the canoe trip, I I uh I had had enough and and uh I I probably said a couple things that that, you know, I I regret a little bit today, but but maybe maybe God was using me as an instrument, you know, as as someone to to bring a little bit of truth and someone to to show him or or not show him, but but just uh to be able to uh I don't know.
And I'm I'm working with my sponsor on it. I'm thinking, you know, I should be making amends. And he says, you know, this is the way it is right now.
And and uh you know, but but you know, I would have never uh never been able to to go on this canoe trip and to be able to to stay sober without uh without the the help that that I found in in Alcoholics Anonymous. Um I've heard a number of times in a the biggest amends I owe is to myself, you know, and that's not true for me, you know, but the amends that I make to to other people and the people that I have harmed, that's the byproduct of of making amends to myself, you know, and you know that that if that's my number one uh sole objective, then I'm on the wrong path, you know. Um and and really, you know, I I pray for the willingness and as I become willing, 100% willing, and I'm ready to do some of these amends, I got to really be be uh conscious and uh paying attention to to what my sponsor has to say because sometimes I can provide more harm than than I'm I'm doing good, you know, and and uh even though I'm willing to make some amends, some amends just don't need to be made, you know, and and maybe maybe maybe they don't, and maybe it's just not time yet, you know, maybe it's just not time.
Um, continue uh I guess uh continue to to be able to to take personal inventory and and uh I don't know why anyone would would want to do that unless uh they've experienced a little bit of a little bit of freedom, you know, from from the remaining steps. And and uh I guess I got to continue this stuff. you know, we don't graduate.
And uh you know, it's a it's a continued uh deal, I guess. And and uh I had a misconception before of of what freedom what freedom was. And and I always thought freedom was being able to to do anything you wanted whenever you wanted.
And I don't believe that today. I believe uh it's almost like like a train on on the tracks and and the train is is on on a path, you know, and the train is is doing what the train is supposed to be doing, you know. The train is on the path.
If the train jumps off the track and starts going making his own blazing his own trail, train's not going to be very free, you know, and and that's almost like what it's like for me, you know, if I'm blazing my own trail and doing uh following my own ideas and doing exactly the way I think I should be doing, you know, and not following or or seeking uh God or or uh you know, following what's what's written in the book, you know, I'm not going to be very free, you know. Um this whole thing is is almost like uh we're in just this this big rock tumbler, you know, and and and uh the steps, you know, over time, you know, we we kind of uh the fellowship we're clashing together and and uh you know, we start to knock off the rough edges on our on our, you know, the we're each individual rocks and we start to to grind off these these rough edges and and we add the steps and all of a sudden, you know, we're we're starting to shine a little bit, you know, and and we're we're smooth and shiny. rocks.
You know, it's almost it's almost like that. Um I I don't know. I I would always read this line in step 10 and you know, we we begin to grow in understanding and effectiveness and others.
And I always always wonder, you know, like what does that mean? You know, how do we grow in understanding and effectiveness of others? And and and I think I'm not saying I know what that means, but I'm just saying I think I know what that means.
And and what it means to me right now is that, you know, as I make mistakes and as I continue to to question the path that I'm on, I be able to grow in understanding and effectiveness for others, you know, and be able to to uh to to hone uh how I can carry this message and and uh you know, maybe I didn't react the way I should have or maybe I should have done this. And uh you know, those are the the results of I guess of of step uh 10 and 11. And you know, step uh 10 promise, you know, we begin to to feel like we've been placed in a position of neutrality, you know, safe and protected.
I never felt safe. I never felt protected when I when I got to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. and and uh um sometimes I just think that like I don't really have have time to to meditate, but you know that my day goes so much better when when I'm actually able to take a couple minutes out of the day and and uh to pause uh to continue to ask for for uh guidance and and strength and and uh my day goes goes so much better.
Uh there really isn't there really isn't an end to this. is, you know, all-incclusive. If if I'm getting bored in Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, I just I'm I'm not seeing the picture, I don't think.
Okay. And there I've just been able to see so many so many incredible things and and be able to to, you know, be able to experience uh just loads of different avenues a guy can can get into and to become a little bit more of service or or uh um it it really is uh an a kindergarten for me to to spirituality. You know, Alcoholics Anonymous is really, you know, we're not this huge spiritual giants.
It's really an AA kindergarten. Um I was uh I was in uh uh Milright uh class here and and I was doing this this alignment or studying how to how to do an alignment and uh you know I I got 95% on on the theory part and and I get into the shop and I'm I'm supposed to do this alignment and I should know how to do this alignment and uh I got 95% theory and I can't do this alignment, you know, and pretty much uh the the instructor was able to to kind of guide me and and which tool to pick up at the time in order to to put it into action. And that's exactly what a sponsor is for me, you know, because I can have 100% knowledge in the big book and know 100% of what I'm supposed to do and not know how to apply it, you know, into my daily life today.
Um, I'm uh, you know, God willing, I'll be a fourth year apprentice uh at the end of this year. uh in this last year, you know, I've been able to experience uh and go to a couple of AA uh roundups. Uh I went to uh an AA men's retreat in in Jasper.
That was uh you know, the most serene spot that I that I've been to in the mountains. Uh I was able to spend some time with uh in BC with with my wife's family. Um you know, I I went to uh Mexico right after completing my third year apprenticeship uh at Nate.
Uh I went to Mexico with with my wife and and my family. you know, today I I own my own home and and I haven't defaulted on any of my payments, you know, that's that's incredible, you know, for me that that's that's a huge uh a huge deal, you know, at our uh we we choreographed our first dance, you know, and it went absolutely like we actually uh you know, we practiced, we put about uh 6 hours or whatever into this into this first dance and and uh we got we paid for for someone to kind of watch us and and step through uh this our first dance at our wedding and and uh you know, I wouldn't trade that for nothing. What you got to say was it was fun.
It was a little bit a little bit uh nerve-wracking and and uh frustrating at times, but but the end result it was, you know, was uh pretty incredible. Um, I did a couple of home rentals at my house and I was able to, you know, a couple my dad and and myself and and uh couple of uh Milan's uh brother and sisters came over and and uh built a deck at uh my wife's place um went on a a honeymoon to to Bali, Indonesia, you know, and uh for for 10 days or or a week and we got to spend uh 3 days in in Vancouver, you know, before we went with uh with my cousins. Um, you know, I got uh to get a little bit more active in my home group and and in uh district 10.
We got this uh cool deal going on right now. It's uh um the a PI uh committee of public information where uh we got two schools uh that we're supposed to speak to uh two high schools and and uh you know we got a couple of members on the committee there and and that's just you know the most one of the most inspiring things and and something that gives me uh so much more motivation and to be able to give back and and to just to to be able to to you know say that that that there is a solution and maybe lay down a couple of uh the spiritual tools, you know, for for these high school kids. Um my wife uh was was uh pregnant for for 9 months actually.
Uh and uh you know, that's how long it takes, I guess. And uh I I I didn't know how how uh anyone could ever think um a pregnant woman could is is beautiful, you know? I just didn't understand it at once.
and at first and and you know we're we're driving uh from BA my cousin's uh wedding there and and I'm looking at my wife and she's just going to give birth in uh like a couple weeks time and and you know I got tears running down my eyes and I'm just I can only look at her and say that she's the most beautiful woman that I've ever seen you know and I absolutely 100% felt that you know and and she I just didn't understand you know and my wife was was the most beautiful pregnant woman that I have ever seen. You know, um we have a newborn baby. Uh she was born uh March 25th, 11:40 11:44 uh a.m.
Uh she was uh 8 lb 6 oz. Her name's Vienna. Uh she's just a beautiful girl and and uh you know, we we're going to get to do so many cool things together, you know, and it's it's just uh really the beginning.
Um, peace of mind is is a priceless gift and and uh you know uh be alcoholics uh get to experience great suffering and great love you know and I've experienced just a tremendous amount of love and I'm so just so proud of her you know I'm so proud of both of them and um all this all this that that's I've been able to do and and experience and be a part of you know and I want more I just want more you know I want I want to be able to work with with one alcoholic uh with a with another alcoholic, you know, and that's really how how it begins. I want to be able to give this away, you know. Um uh it was described uh you know, there's there's an alcoholic.
He's walking down uh this street and and he falls into this pit and uh you know this this this huge pit and he can't get out and and he looks up and and uh there's a doctor there and and he's asking for help and this doctor's writing him a bunch of prescriptions and he throws them down in the pit and he says you know when you get out you know get your leg uh looked at and and uh fill these prescriptions you'll be okay. The doctor can't help him. He goes on his way, right?
There's uh a lawyer that that walks by and he says, "You know, this pit shouldn't be here in the first place. I don't know why you fell down here." throws his card down there and says, "You know, when you get out, we're going to get a lawsuit on this guy, you know, and give me a call." There's a priest that walks by and and uh the priest, you know, throw gives him a sign across, says a prayer, and uh you know, he he that's uh really all he can do. He's got to give a service in in 10 minutes.
So, the priest goes on his way and and uh there's an alcoholic that's walking by and and uh he sees the man down in the pit and he jumps down in the pit with him. And uh the guy looks at him like he's absolutely nuts. And uh the guy says, "You know, what are you doing down here?" You know, and this guy looks at him and he says, "Uh, you know, I've been here before and I know the way out.
You know, if I want to get my car fixed, I go to a mechanic. If I want to, you know, uh get surgery, I go to a surgeon. If I want to recover from alcoholism, I want to talk to another alcoholic, you know, and and I want to be able to to give um back what what I was what I was freely given.
Um, I was just uh one more thing and and I'm going to be out of here. Uh, it's called it's just a poem and I just think it's the greatest poem. It's called The Touch of the Master's Hand.
Uh, it was battered and scarred and the auctioneer thought it hardly worth his while to waste his time on the old violin, but he held it up with a smile. What am I bid good people? He cried.
Who starts the bidding for me? $1. $1.
Do I hear two? $2. Who makes it three?
$3 once, $3 twice. Going for three, but no. From the room far back, a gray-haired man came forward and picked up the bow.
Then, wiping the dust from the old violin, and tightening up the strings, he played a melody pure and sweet, as sweet as the angel sings. The music ceased, and the auctioneer, with a voice that was quiet and low, said, "What now I bid for this old violin?" as he held it aloft with his bow. 1,000 1,000 do I hear two 2,000 who makes it three 3,000 once 3,000 twice going and gone said he the auctioneer cheered the audience cheered but some of them cried we just do not understand what changed its worth swift came the reply the touch of the master's hand and many a man with life out of tune battered with bourbon and jin it's auctioneer cheap to the thoughtless crowd much like that old violin a mess of pottage a glass of wine a game when he travels on he's going once, he is going twice.
He's going and almost gone. The master comes and the foolish crowd could never quite understand the worth of the soul and the change that is wrought by the touch of the master's hand. I think that's a pretty powerful poem and know uh thank you for the opportunity to be a part of this roundup and uh hope everyone enjoys their weekend and and uh God bless.
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