AA Speaker – Valerie D. – Dallas, TX – 2005
AA speaker Valerie D. from Dallas shares her story of relapse, spiritual bottom, and working the steps with rigorous honesty. Recovery through surrender and service.
Valerie D. from Dallas, Texas got sober, relapsed after three and a half years, drank for four more years, and nearly took her own life. In this AA speaker meeting, she walks through hitting a spiritual bottom, finding a sponsor who demanded complete honesty and action, and the step work that brought her back to life—especially the Fourth and Fifth Steps, where she discovered real freedom through admitting her part.
Valerie D. is an AA speaker who shares her experience with alcoholism starting in childhood, early sobriety at 17, a four-year relapse filled with denial and unmanageability, and her eventual spiritual awakening through rigorous step work and sponsorship. She describes the critical importance of the Fourth Step inventory, particularly recognizing her own part in resentments and learning to disregard the other person entirely. She also discusses the Sixth and Seventh Steps as the turning point where real character change began, financial amends, and the role of a strong sponsor in holding her accountable to all three parts of the program: recovery, fellowship, and service.
Episode Summary
Valerie D.’s story is a study in what happens when the disease of alcoholism meets untreated character defects—and what becomes possible when someone finally gets willing to do the work.
She opens with her childhood: the feeling of being fundamentally different, stealing to feel powerful, drinking at 14. At 15, her parents sent her to a treatment center in Jacksonville. She got introduced to AA but didn’t get it. An old-timer told her to go home, listen to her parents, go to church—and she took that as permission to leave. For the next two years, she showed up drunk to meetings, stole the clubhouse key, stole their money. The disease had her completely.
At 17, desperate and facing serious consequences, she got sober. Three and a half years sober at the California clubhouse, surrounded by the fellowship, going to meetings every day. But she was spiritually ill. No real relationship with God. No sponsor who knew how she was living. She was dry—bone dry—and after three and a half years, she drank again. Just like that. No defense. Self-will run riot.
She stayed out for four years. Moved to Atlanta, then New York. She tried to control her drinking by changing her circumstances: raising sheep on 20 acres, getting married, becoming a mother. None of it worked. She drank through all of it. She lived a double life—fine art rep by day, in biker bars with a gun at night. A complete liar. Nobody ever knew the whole truth.
Then came a moment of clarity. A look of complete disgust on someone’s face. Her father called that same night and wanted to help get her back. She went to a meeting in Richmond, Virginia at the Phoenix Group, and something shifted. She felt like she was home. She got a sponsor, went to meetings, tried to work the program—but still relapsed twice. The last one came in Minneapolis when someone offered her whiskey and she drank it. That night, alone and trying to drink herself into oblivion, she asked God for help. From that moment, she has not had to take a drink.
The real work came when she hit a spiritual bottom about three and a half years into this sobriety. She lost everything—her car, her job, her money. She got deeply depressed, suicidal, furious at God and at AA. She thought the program didn’t work. A woman at a conference named Camille heard her pain and invited her to Louisville, Kentucky. Camille didn’t coddle her. She was direct: “Valerie, you’re a mad dog alcoholic and you’re going to die.”
Camille taught her about recovery, fellowship, and service—the circle and the triangle. She made it clear: if you’re not willing to write an honest inventory, willing to make amends you’ve been avoiding, and willing to be a solid member of a home group showing up early and staying late, then nothing changes. Valerie was desperate enough to say yes.
Working through the steps with Camille became a watershed. On the First Step, she discovered she hadn’t fully surrendered—she wanted to run her own life, arrange everything. On the Second Step, she realized she’d set up God as a version of herself: punitive, vindictive, playing favorites. That light went on. Her sponsor asked her, “Don’t you think God’s already got somebody being a nun in South America?”
The Fourth Step inventory was where everything opened up. She’d never written one before, following the book. When she got to the fourth column, she thought her job was to list “her part.” Her sponsor asked her where that was in the Big Book. It wasn’t there. And that’s why she couldn’t get free of certain resentments—she was still holding the other person responsible. The freedom came in resolutely looking only at her own mistakes, her own fear, her own selfishness.
The Fifth Step was brutal and transformative. Her sponsor had her read it to strangers, not just once. Valerie hated it. She felt like such an actor, such a liar, so sure her conduct was uniquely sick. Reading it to people she didn’t know shattered that. She wasn’t different. She got humbled.
On the Sixth and Seventh Steps, real change began. She became willing to ask God to remove her character defects—not to do it herself, because she knew she couldn’t. The Seventh Step prayer became her anchor: she was 100% responsible for her conduct today, but she couldn’t change her selfishness on her own. She needed God.
The amends were some of the hardest work. She had stolen thousands over years. She owed so much it seemed impossible. She wanted to save up and pay it all back at once. Her sponsor said no. One dollar, five dollars a month, but consistent. Every single month. Valerie was terrified she’d go without. But the strangest thing happened: as she started paying back, more money came in. It didn’t make logical sense, but it made spiritual sense.
She took time making amends with her family, especially her mother, who watched for years waiting for “the real Valerie” to show up. Today they’re close.
On the Tenth Step, she learned she couldn’t steal other people’s experience. She had to develop her own relationship with God, ask for the right thought or action, and follow the directions. She practices the Eleventh Step daily now, very simple: “Merciful Father, I pray that your will be done, not mine.”
Today, Valerie is deeply active in recovery, service, and fellowship. She sponsors women, takes people through the steps, is committed to her home group. They carry meetings into jails and treatment centers. They do conferences, talent shows, dinners together. She’s found the fellowship she was seeking her whole life. She cares about what’s happening in AA as a whole, not just her corner of it. Her home group writes to GSO, stays informed about the direction of the fellowship.
She closes with gratitude for the fine teachers and messengers she’s had in AA. Her story shows that no bottom is too deep, that relapse is part of some people’s journey, and that rigorous honesty—forced on you by a sponsor who won’t let you fake it—is what changes a life.
Notable Quotes
I was just like a lot of the speakers that have already spoke—before I ever picked up a drink, I felt very different from everybody else. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but I knew there was something wrong with me.
I absolutely believe that God’s plan is better than anything I can come up with. God really will take care of me no matter what. I didn’t believe that stuff for the longest time, and today I know that’s true.
The inventory is mine and mine alone, and that’s where my freedom lies—in the truth and becoming responsible for the truth about me.
I was such a liar and I was such an actor, and I really believed that I was different than other people. Through that experience I realized I was no different.
Merciful Father, I pray that your will be done, not mine.
The fellowship that I was seeking—it was the fellowship I’d been craving all my life—and I found it here. I almost missed it, and I’m so grateful I made it back.
Step 5 – Admission
Steps 6 & 7 – Character Defects
Steps 8 & 9 – Making Amends
Step 11 – Prayer & Meditation
Sponsorship
Big Book Study
Hitting Bottom
Relapse & Coming Back
Spiritual Awakening
Honesty
Fellowship & Meetings
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
- Step 5 – Admission
- Steps 6 & 7 – Character Defects
- Steps 8 & 9 – Making Amends
- Step 11 – Prayer & Meditation
- Sponsorship
- Big Book Study
- Hitting Bottom
- Relapse & Coming Back
- Spiritual Awakening
- Honesty
- Fellowship & Meetings
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated and may contain minor errors. For the best experience, listen to the audio above.
welcome to sober Sunrise a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience strength and Hope from around the world we bring you several new speakers weekly so be sure to subscribe we hope to always remain an adree podcast so if you’d like to help us remain self-supporting please visit our website at sober-remix than a sober Sunrise we hope that you enjoy today’s speaker hi my name is Valerie Downing and I am an alcoholic hi valer and uh my soety date is October 13th 1992 and my home group is the Jay Walkers group in Richmond and uh we meet on Tuesday nights and Friday nights Tuesday nights we have a speakers meeting and on Fridays we have a beginners meeting for 45 minutes we take a break and then we have a closed discussion meeting so if you’re ever on the East Coast please come by and see us we would love to have you my mom is sitting directly in front of me and it’s making me nervous you were supposed to sit over there um I’m I’m really honored that my mom is here but she’s never heard me talk so I’m really afraid of what’s going to come out of my mouth so but um and and I’m very honored to be here um it’s really cool um and thank you to Larry and to the committee for inviting me very very kind of you I don’t think you know what you got yourself into but here I am and it’s too late now um but very honored to be here thank you um you know they had me as a young people speaker and you know I sponsor women that are you know in their early 20s and and to to me they’re the young people and then I was thinking well compared to Wallace sterling and and Tom I am a young person so it’s all right but anyway um so I tell you I’m I’m just like a lot of the speakers that have have already spoke when they’re talking about alcoholism um before I ever picked up a drink I felt very different from everybody else I didn’t know what was wrong with me but I knew there was something wrong with me I couldn’t figure out what it was I couldn’t figure out why I didn’t fit I didn’t understand why I was so afraid of everything um just very separated always on the outside looking in and not being able to be a part of and always overcompensating for that so a lot of the time I was saying or doing things that were inappropriate um for the moment in an effort to try to fit um my sponsor used to talk to me about as alcoholics we are power Seekers and I understand that and I identify with that because I was always looking for something to fill the hole within some type of power in my life and the first place I found that was in being a thief and not the most honorable thing but that’s where I found it and and as a very young young child uh um sneaking over to my one friend’s house Dawn and stealing her toys and taking them back back to my house and hiding them under my bed and um stealing just I was an equal opportunity Thief I didn’t care who you were um I stole from you and no conscience about that unless I got caught uh no conscience about that whatsoever some people would say that’s Psychopathic but um maybe I was that too anyway but that was a first place that I found some power and um I was just different and and just didn’t fit I was always going from groups of groups from groups of people to groups of people and I did that drunk and I did that when I wasn’t drinking uh because I was so restless and discontented within um I started drinking at a pretty young age um at 14 going on 15 um Mom I didn’t know if you knew that but there you go um and stealing alcohol from my parents and the effect effect was such magic for me that I pursued it at the expense of everything everything um I stopped going to school um what little I did participate I stopped participating um in the period of a year I was labeled and ungovernable by the state of Florida habitual runaway habitual truant um in transit youth centers juvenile detention centers having high-speed car chases um just insane and those were all consequences of my drinking but I didn’t care and my parents in an effort to try to help me started sending me to um shrinks and um one of them that they sent me to basically told them your daughter’s got a drug and alcohol problem and um she needs to be put away so one day my mom and dad come to me and they say we’re going on a little trip and uh they didn’t tell me where we were going but I knew from the look on their face that it wasn’t good and um they took me to a treatment center out in Jacksonville Florida at Jack Beach uh called the care unit and this was in 1982 um and I was in there for three months that’s when insurance was still good that you could go for a long time and they paid for it all or most of it and um it was like a resort and um I wasn’t a good Treatment Center participant um I did not follow the rules while I was there I absolutely believed that rules do not apply to me I’ll do what you want me to do while you’re looking but as soon as you’re not looking I’m going to do exactly what I want to do and um as a matter of fact um you know in treatment if you’re good you get to move up levels and days and you get privileges when I left I was on level one day one so I didn’t I didn’t follow the rules um I just didn’t get it and you know when I got out of there I started going to AA meetings the great thing that happened to me while I was in treatment though was that I was introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous so I started going to AA meetings and um that was tough because nobody likes to have their mommy drop them off at AA um but I started going to this meeting in in Orange Park Florida and uh this little clubhouse and you know I went the first night I went in there there were all these very old people there um to me and you know that’s when you could still smoke and meaning so there was like the six seven foot cloud of smoke hanging from the ceiling and all the oldies were gathered around that coffee pot and talking smack and talking like this and um you know and I sat in the back and uh and I didn’t belong there and I was angry that I was there um I didn’t think that I was an alcoholic I thought it was my parents fault that I was incomplete um I thought it was my parents fault that um I wasn’t okay and that I was having difficulties it was absolutely my circumstances in life it never occurred to me that I was the problem never occurred to me at all um and back then in that area there were not a lot a lot of young people coming in so I remember this one old guy saying to me you know you’re still young you don’t have to do what we have done go home listen to your parents they’re trying to help you go to church be a good girl and to me those were great words of wisdom they meant to me you don’t belong here and um so I decided to follow that advice how I interpreted that and uh was going in and out of Alcoholics andoun for about two years um and um after a little while though I started showing up at the meetings there drunk and I stole the key to the clubhouse I stole their money that’s where I would take my friends to go drink was at the AA Clubhouse um I got a great place for staying out um so you know I wasn’t a good AA member so um you know and what was wonderful is I I’ve had the opportunity and sobriety this time to go back and clean that up through our immense process and and pay that money back and ADM met my fault and and where I was wrong and it was a wonderful experience and I one of the guys that was there who you know took my bunny and all this stuff he go we knew there was something wrong with you you know and we’re glad you made it back and he just remembered me being a shenanigan because I was in and out of there and uh you know my version of working with others was helping the boys right along and um as a matter of fact you know when I was 17 I got into a lot of trouble and um um I had stolen some things and uh and it was a bad situation and I was basically told you need to get yourself straightened up and I was desperate enough at the time that I made this decision that I’m going to get sober and I’m going to stay sober for the rest of my life and I meant that I meant that so I got sober and I stayed sober for about three and a half years I moved out to the West Coast My real father at the time was sober about 5 years in AA moved in with with him um and uh was going to a meeting every day hanging out at the at the clubhouse in Cina California the 502 club which their motto is or the people I was hanging around with at the clubhouse was who’s on who at the 502 and I was hanging with that bunch and um as a matter of fact this guy big book Max to said to me one time he said girl you need to sit down shut up and keep your legs crossed um because my version of working with others was you know chasing boys going to the 13 step dances I had a sponsor and name only um that was my favorite kind and as a matter of fact my father picked my my sponsor and um I let him do it because he was paying money back to me with his amends and I didn’t want to stop the cash flow so um you know I I would say yeah I had a sponsor yeah she’s still my sponsor and um I would stand in contact just enough so that um I didn’t I didn’t have to do too much I absolutely did not let this woman know how I was living what I was doing um I did not live this way of life as a matter of fact I got very very spiritually ill um and uh and I wasn’t drinking and going to a meeting every day so there’s more to this than the fellowship of alcoholic synonymous um and around three and a half years sober dry actually a friend of ours in North Carolina calls it so Dy and that was me I was so dry um about three and a half years dry um I drank again and it happened just like that there absolutely was no effective mental defense in place I had not developed a relationship with my Creator um I was an example of self will run Riot I was very very ill nothing in my life had changed I continued to be a liar and a thief um and all kinds of insane conduct sober and in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous I was that type of person that the the the people that were reasonably San or spiritually fit said stay away from her um because you’re going to get into trouble that’s not what AA is about um so I drank again and I stayed out for four years and in that four years I moved to Atlanta and I was in Atlanta for a couple years and um I remember going to meeting in Atlanta um CU I was starting to you know when you’ve got a headful of AA and you’re trying to drink it takes a lot of booze to shut that up and um but I was trying to make it work you know and um I remember going to a meeting and and this gal I said I went up to her and I said I really don’t know if I’m an alcoholic I really don’t know and she looked at me and she said well you’re here aren’t you and to me this is my experience that is not a message of death them wait there’s not a lot of people or there are people that come into AA that are not alcoholics of our type they get sent here by the courts um they were drinking stupid one night or whatever and they got caught for me my opinion is that if somebody comes into AA and they’re not sure if they’re an alcoholic it is my responsibility to help them find out if they are one of us because it’s about their life their life is dependent on them finding out the truth if they are an alcoholic of our type and surrendering to that so that was an excuse for me to uh not stay there and I never went back and um I tried various ways of controlling my drinking one of my bright ideas was I decided one time that I was going to raise sheep I thought that would fix it so we were out on 20 Aker south of Atlanta and um and and I’m you know and I moved with that a guy I met in La I moved with him out there and um you know we got married and um I thought that would solve it I you know I just I always thought if I get my my outer circumstances together I’m going to be okay my life will make sense I will be fine all the things that are wrong will be fixed if my circumstances are correct and it just it didn’t work I kept trying trying and trying and it just it didn’t work so one of the things that I tried was Raising sheep because I thought well maybe I need to try that whole Back To Nature shoveling sheep D type of thing you know and being in a barn and uh being country and uh that was for Wallace um but pretty soon I was drunk with my sheep and um raising sheep didn’t work and I’m telling you and I mean this uh it’s a good thing I’m not a man when I was drunk with those sheep cuz I can see how that happens I really can I understand it’d be part of my conduct inventory I’m not kidding as a matter of fact um when we moved up to New York we lived in front of a dairy farm and I understood how it would work out there too so but anyway that’s neither here nor there sheep doesn’t work if if you ever want to try to control your raising sheep doesn’t work um so I mean that was just some of the insane things that I tried you know and I love the definition of insanity that our book gives us which is lack of proportion do not think straight the inability to think straight that’s the story of my life complete lack of proportion and I absolutely don’t think straight so anyway I was in uh Atlanta for a couple years and ripping and roaring and um things were just starting to get bad there when we my now ex-husband got transferred up to New York and it’s like woo thank God you know I’m I’m ready for a change new group of people I’ll start fresh and I’d had a son by that time and um moved up to New York when he was a couple weeks old and um I was trying to be good for my son and I was trying not to drink for my son and um I thought that would solve it the responsibility of being a mother um would change me and uh went to the doctor and I was breastfeeding at the time and the doctor I didn’t drink beer I thought beer was for wimps I drank liquor and liquor is quicker and um I didn’t mess with that beer and the doctor said to me you know since you’re breastfeeding when you’re having difficulty if you drink some beer that’ll help let your milk down and I was like okay I’ll try that so I like beer I grew to like beer Geno beer as a matter of fact for any of you New Yorkers um and I started drinking again and and I was gone um so whatever brief period I had of abstinence once I put that alcohol into my system I was off and running again at the expense of everything and everyone I am one of those people that leads a very ugly life when I’m drinking very ugly um and I do a lot of damage and I hurt a lot of people and I did a lot of things that just aren’t appropriate to share from the podium I led a very double life um I start I was a fine artart rep by day and at night I was hanging out in the in the biker bars carrying a gun with a do-rag around my head with skull and crossbones I mean complete opposites not that there’s anything wrong well carrying a gun probably a good idea but not that there’s anything wrong with that life or this life it’s just they were at complete odds with each other and nobody ever knew what I was doing ever I never told the whole truth to anyone ever um just a liar and uh one evening one particularly humiliating evening um and I’m sure I had been looked at this way many times before um with just complete disgust uh by those that were around me for whatever reason that evening I saw it it it registered with me and that night my father called me and um he and I since 12 St me back into the rooms of Alcoholics annonymous and my then husband was getting ready to get transferred down to Richmond Virginia and um I made this decision well when I get down to Richmond I’m going to stop drinking and it never occurred to me that I couldn’t do that they didn’t have the power to do that because before if I wanted to stop drinking I stopped I mean I always started again but I was able to stop and um got down to Richmond I went to my first meeting and uh it was at the Phoenix Group which I thought that’s appropriate I’m going to Rise From the Ashes but um no grandiosity here but um I went to my first meeting it was the Phoenix group and I felt like I was home I felt like I heard how it works red for the very first time um I knew I was in the right place I was willing to do what you guys asked me to do I got sponsor right away she ended up being committed a couple weeks later but she was perfect for me at the time we understood each other cuz I was insane insane once I stop drinking I go nuts I’m not very comfortable sober it’s very uncomfortable for me to be sober unless there’s a sufficient substitute which wace just did a beautiful job talking about earlier today um so anyhow I um I went to that meeting and I I wanted to be here more than anything I had our book talks about great desire great need great wish and for people like me it’s not enough that does not supply what I need in order for me to stop drinking and to stay stopped because I ended up drinking two more times and I had no intention whatsoever to drink my last drink actually happened up in Minneapolis Minnesota I went up there to see an artist I was in his studio and he had Whiskey on his work table and he just asked me you want a shop and I my mouth comes yeah I do and I was in AA wanting to be a member of AA um had never had that desire like that before to be an alcoholic synonymous and I drank anyway and um I’d had a couple shots and then my husband came to pick me up and that’s like the worst feeling in the world to have your drinking interrupted I was mighty angry the rest of the day very uncomfortable um so when they all go to bed that night I’m up trying to finish the job job and I’m trying to get to that place where I feel nothing and where I can hopefully pass out and uh just Oblivion that’s where I’m trying to go and I cannot get there and I’m feel completely at war with myself and um I just I asked God for help I said God please help me and from that moment on I I have not had to take a drink and I uh I absolutely believe that that’s God grace God’s grace because there’s no way someone like me could stay sober this amount of time without something bigger than me intervening so I’ve not had a drink since then um sobriety has been really interesting um haven’t raised any sheep in sobriety but I’ve been busy doing some other stuff um but sobri has been really interesting um you know when I got sober this time uh I was pretty crazy I went to I got another sponsor um right away I called her every day um I went to a meeting every day she uh the message she carried to me was Hazelton and I took those steps out of Hazelton um I did exactly what she asked me to do um well not completely when it came to relationships and Men I still kind of have my own agenda um like they told me don’t leave your husband but I’d already I already had two waiting in the wings you know because you know I’m one of those I was one of those female predators in AA um no respect for anyone at all um absolutely a taker in Alcoholics Anonymous um some people say that’s really sick and I was um anyway so I left my husband at around 9 months um and I you know and I didn’t know anything about how to live I I’d always found people to take care of me I didn’t know anything about responsibility I didn’t know anything about being self-supporting through your own contributions I didn’t know anything about paying your bills having a checking account getting a job that you have to show up for on a regular basis a real job I didn’t know anything about that in essence have grown up and I’m still growing up according to my sponsor um an alcoholic synonymous you guys have taught me how to live um so it’s pretty messy uh my first couple of years um when I was around nine months sober though I started to go a little bit nuts and uh I met some people who started taking me to a a big book meeting and um um it was like lights started to go off um I had a spiritual experience um I was I became an evangelist for Alcoholics Anonymous and I started to find myself in those pages when they would get their topic out of the book I started to identify with what they were talking about and um I had no idea that how it works was in the big book I’d been around AA for a long time had no clue that that came out of the book um I had I had it was a revelation to me uh to find out that there were directions on how to start an end your day I mean just a revelation I was like did you see this this is so cool I mean I just I just I woke up a little bit and it was it was awesome and and I got I made that my home group and I started to carry people to meetings and get some commitments and I had a different sponsor and um she uh took me through the steps the best way that she knew how and um and it was a wonderful time in my sobriety um at around 3 and 1/2 years the bottom completely fell out and um I got very very sick again spiritually sick inaa um I got very very depressed um lost my no car no job no money no nothing um very angry at the People in AA I thought AA didn’t work um I thought all of y’all were full of poo I thought God was messing up I was very angry at God I didn’t understand why um I was having that experience I’m like God how can you do this to me after everything I’ve done for you you know the sacrifices I’ve made um just very angry um very just rage and then on the floor depression and I had the Good Fortune of meeting this gal I was at her host at a conference and her name was Camille Frey and she lived in Louisville Kentucky at the time and um I was her host at a conference and I was listening to her talk and she was starting to share about how she was 12 years dry and she had a shotgun and her man was out gambling and drinking and she was just waiting for the old boy to walk in back through the door cuz she was going to blow him away and I’m like yeah I understand that I related to her and she was different something had happened but I understood the rage that she was talking about because that’s where I was at and I didn’t understand what was happening I thought AA didn’t work I thought I’d given myself to AA and it wasn’t working so I asked her for help and she uh she said yeah I’ll help you uh but you got to come out to Louisville Kentucky so I said okay I was desperate so I borrowed $480 and I drove out to Louisville Kentucky and she she sat me down and she talked to me she goes Valerie you are a Mad Dog alcoholic and you’re going to die you know like one of those bad Louisiana psychics you know I’m die and uh you know and if you think I’m going to patch you on the tutu and tell you that everything’s going to be all right you got the wrong woman here she was very direct with me very honest with me um she didn’t pull any punches she talked straight to me she didn’t soften up anything for me and that was exactly what I needed and I I believe that God used that woman to save my life because I was suicidal and it took me years to fully come out of that people thought I needed to be committed because I was my behavior became so erratic and insane and because I was so depressed and I needed to be medicated and I needed to be put away and I need long-term therapy or because there was just something wrong but what was happening is that I just hit another another bottom a spiritual bottom there were a lot of things in my life even though I wasn’t drinking that had not changed that I had not surrendered and there were some things that I was holding back and that’s what she started talking to me about she she started talking to me about the circle and the triangle and she goes we have to be in all three parts Valerie and if you’re not in all three parts you cannot be whole and are you willing to do what I’m going to ask you to do and she told me very clearly what she was going to ask me to do and one of the things that she said to me you know we have recovery which are our 12 steps we’re going to start at the beginning we’re going to go word for word when it says pray we’re going to pray when it says right we’re going to write when it says go here and do this you’re going to go there and do that when it asks a question you’re going to answer it are you ready to write honest inventory because there were some things I had withheld on my inventory are you willing to make some amends there were absolutely some amends that previously I was not willing to make and those were the things that were standing in my way is my unwillingness before and I landed in a in a hell of a mess so but because of it so she asked me if I was willing and I said absolutely because I was desperate and then she talked about the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous in our 12 traditions and she asked me about my conduct in The Fellowship of AA and what kind of a member am I am I a taker an alcoholic synonymous or do I give am I willing to be inconvenienced by alcoholics annonymous or not am I willing to be a solid member of a home group which means showing up early staying late having a a job going to committed meetings learning about how the Traditions play out in a home group I was the kind of person before that that I’d show up on time if it was convenient I wouldn’t go to my home group if if I just had had a long day you know what she told me is you will be at your home group unless you are a dead you are sick and I’m talking about you’re ready to go to the hospital sick or you are out of town dead sick or out of town otherwise you’re at your home group and you’re there early you have a job and you stay late and um you know and many many more things with the Traditions you know and we looked at the concepts and she goes this a little Advanced AA for you right now but we will get to the concepts and how you can be of service in the bigger picture of alcoholic synonymous when you get the opportunity to serve as a GSR or at your inner group level are you willing are you willing to give yourself to this and I said yes I am and um so I did what she asked me to do and she took me through those steps and um and I’ve had many experiences since then you know I had a really profound uh experience with her in the first step I knew that I could not drink safely I I understood that where I was starting to have a whole new experience was with the unmanageability because I was having some serious I did not believe I was a real agnostic and I didn’t realize it I absolutely wanted to run my own life I absolutely had my own agenda of how my life should look and I wasn’t willing to surrender that and I knew I was powerless over alcohol my experience coming back into AA show me that that I can’t I’m just as powerless over alcohol today standing here as the day I was when I walked into AA the only thing that’s happened is that I’ve been placed in a position of neutrality where it’s not an issue I just have a living problem a living sober problem so anyway she helped me take a look at that and I had an amazing experience with the first step I conceded to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic of the Hopeless variety and everything that that means everything that that means I give up um we went to the Second Step that I I love that chapter we agnostics because it’s me to a tea I love to rely on my own mind I love things that satisfy my mind I love to try to wrap my mind around spirit ual Concepts and principles and and manage things and uh my sponsor used to tell me you know you got some funky ideas about God funky and that that the second step we agnostics chapter helped uncover some of those for me like I really believed that you know especially when things weren’t going my way I really believe that God had favorites that there were the halves and the Have Nots and I was a have not that you had to do this thing perfectly you had to do alcoholic annonymous lived by spiritual principles perfectly or God would not help you God would not be there for you as a matter of fact I remember being all in a tizzy about something one day and calling my sponsor and because you know I think I got to pray just right because if I if I don’t pray just right that I’m not going to get any relief and I want some relief from the uncomfortability in my mind and um my sponsor says well what do you think about God and out of my mouth comes I think God is punishing and vindictive and God plays favorites and God withholds and uh my sponsor said to me well you have God set up as a version of you I’m like that’s a low blow but it’s true because I am all those things I’m absolutely 100% capable of being all all of those things vindictive punishing judgmental play favorites all of that I’m capable of that so you know a little light went on oh I didn’t realize um I remember the day that our book talks about we have to step from bridge to Shore that I can no longer rely on my own mind and the knowledge that I have gained about God in AA I have to actually put that into action I have to begin to acquire Faith through action I have to stop arranging things or trying to make things happen and I remember the day that that shift happened in May I remember the day that I realized that I hadn’t thought about suicide side in a long time that something had changed and the only thing that had changed is that I just showed up willing to give myself completely to all parts of alcoholic synonymous when I got to the third step you know I knew I needed to develop a relationship with this this power greater than myself but I was afraid of what my life was going to look like cuz I was like well what if God wants me to be a nun in South America and never have money or sex again you know what an order I can’t I can’t go through with it you know I mean and I was really afraid that God was going to ask me to do something like that and my sponsor very wisely said well let’s just maybe God’s already got somebody doing that and we’ll just take it one day at a time you know and uh you know and and and things like you know in the where it talks about the third step you know it talks about little plans and Designs you know my sponsor was very very clear you know Valerie that word applies to you little you have little plans and Designs I mean they’re constantly deflating me and I’m so grateful for that um but I didn’t have anywhere else to go so I was willing to turn my will my thought life and my life everything I hope to ever become or be in God’s care I’m willing to give that and I absolutely believe today no question question in my mind and I used to hear it meetings all the time and I thought they were just full of crap God’s plan is better than anything I can come up with it really is God really will take care of me no matter what and I didn’t believe that stuff for the longest time and today I know that that’s true that has been my experience but I just had to get past what I thought I knew my own mind and my own fear um wrote inventory um I had never written inventory before following the directions in our book so you know that was a new experience um I remember calling my sponsor one time to read some inventory and uh I get to the fourth column and I say now here you’re ready here’s my part and he says to me what are you talking about your part where does it say that in the big book and I’m like you know it’s in the big book it’s in fourth column and I really thought it was there and he goes well go find it for me so I you know I go get my book and I’m going to show them where it is and um I’m like I know it’s here but it’s not there and you know what was interesting is I had been writing on some resentments that I had not been able to get free of and that was part of the reason of why I could not get free of them is because I was still saying my part that person still had a part I had not completely disregarded the other person involved entirely and that’s what this is about it’s as if what they have done hasn’t happened I have to resolutely look for my own mistakes where have I been wrong where have I been selfish dishonest how have I been self-seeking what am I afraid of the inventory is mind mind and it’s and that’s where my freedom lies is in the truth and becoming responsible for the truth about me um and I’ve had amazing experiences in writing inventory and getting to Fourth column in forgiveness for people I didn’t believe deserved to be forgiven compassion all of that stuff were Gifts of being willing to write honest inventory and to resolutely look at my own mistakes um I had a lot of fear I didn’t realize how much my life had been driven by fear um and that was awesome um and I wrote conduct and God knows there was a lot to write there I needed a lot of help in that area you know when they said you know some of us needed an overhauling there I was like yeah baby that’s me um so I had a lot to do there um and I’ve had a lot to do in recovery since my first inventory on conduct um my sponsor used to say that may be one of your deeper rooted Character defects um but anyhow um so when I did my first fist step with Camille um I drove back out to Louisville Kentucky and she sat me in her sun room and she had me read she sent somebody in there that I didn’t know and she had me read it to that woman and then she sent somebody else in there that I didn’t know and she had me read it to her too and I was I hated her for doing that at first um I thought that was very unfair and she pointed out to me in the book where it says that we can read our inventory to person or persons the she knew what she was doing with me though because I was such a liar and I was such an actor and I really believed that I was different than other people that I was different from you that I lied in some worse kind of way that my thoughts were worse than yours were sicker than yours that my conduct none of y’all had ever done and I realized through that experience that I was no different and I got smashed a little bit and I I wasn’t such the actor when I came out of that experience I’ve had tremendous experiences in six and seven I absolutely believe what the 12 and 12 says about it separates the men from the boys that has been my experience real change began to happen for me there I don’t want to be the kind of person who is capable of the things that showed up in my inventory I am willing to ask God to remove that I do not have the power to I’m Absol well I’ll say this I’m absolutely 100% responsible for my conduct today 100% responsible but I cannot remove my selfishness and self-centeredness on my own I need God’s help on my own I can’t do it so I’m very grateful for the that prayer the seventh step prayer because I know I can’t be changed on my own um I got willing to make amends um I had a lot of financial amends amends to make those were some of the hardest amends to make because I had stolen a lot over a long period of time and I even did that well into sobriety it took a while for that to leave and my sponsor told me you know you took it out of the world you got to put it back into the world and at the time I think I was making maybe maybe $113,000 a year to make these amends was inconceivable to me I owed so much money I I couldn’t even conceive of paying it back and then my bride idea is well I’ll just save up and pay it back all at once you know that’s what I think is the right thing to do and thank God for strong sponsorship and I was told absolutely not I don’t care what the amount is but you call them up or you go see them you arrange the best deal you can I don’t care if it’s a dollar5 dollar but you pay that every month and you pay it consistently and uh there were some months that it was all I could do to write that check I did not want to do it it was like it’s my money and because I was afraid I was going to go without that I was going to lose something that I had something to protect and the damnest thing happened the more I started to pay back those financial amends the more money started coming into my life and I don’t understand how that works it doesn’t make sense but in the realm of the Spirit it makes complete sense so I got very busy making amends making amends to my family it took a long time I think for my mother to trust me she always looked at me out of the corner of her eye waiting for the real Valerie to show up or the old Valerie um and I’m I’m very grateful for the relationship that I have today with my mother and my brothers I love them dearly and I’m very fortunate so cleaning up the the family is important um practicing the 10th step um daily you know one time I called up my sponsor and uh for a long time you know I would see people my my heroes and alcoholics synonymous and my sponsor included and I wanted my sponsor to run my life I want my sponsor to tell me everything to do I I didn’t want to make any wrong decisions I didn’t want to experience any kind of pain and I remember calling my sponsor Dawn up one time and I’m like what do I do and he goes Valerie you’re such a thief you’re such a spiritual Thief quit trying to steal my experience like ooh another low blow um go follow the directions go pray ask God for the right thought or action go do what it’s asking you to do and develop a relationship with this power greater than yourself develop the intuitive thought but I’m I’m lazy you know so but so I began to have start to practice that and and really practicing 10 and 11 actively um daily and and creating a working relationship and and a a prayerful relationship and a and a reliant relationship um with his power greater than myself and currently what’s going on with me and my prayer life is very very simple um I’m I’m kind of uncomfortable in general right now I’m not sure what the hay is going on but I know it’ll show up sooner or later um but the prayer that has been sitting with me is just out of the 11th step which is is you know thy will be done not mine but what I say is merciful father I pray that your will be done not mine and I stay very active and Alcoholics Anonymous in all three parts um very active in taking women through the steps I sponsor a lot of women I’m very active in my home group my home group does a lot and it’s an honor to even be a part of it um but we are very active in carrying meetings into Correctional Facilities into treatment centers we are very active socially we spend a lot of time in each other’s homes um we just had our first conference we just put on our first Fellowship of the spirit which Tom was out at he was calling me Madam press for a while and I was like finally somebody who recognizes my greatness um but you know he hasn’t called me Madam pre not once since I’ve been here so but any anyway um but you know we we did our first conference we do talent shows we go dancing together we we dinner together we we Fellowship together and um and and I have a family and Alcoholics Anonymous and it is a wonderful thing to be a part they are my people I am theirs and they are mine and I I just love it it is the fellowship that I was seeking it was The Fellowship that I’ve been craving all of my life and I found it here and I and I almost missed it I almost missed it and I I’m so grateful that I was able to make it back to Alcoholics Anonymous so when I’m very active serving Alcoholics Anonymous my uh Home Group uh we get regular GSR reports and regular gso reports we want to know what’s going on in Alcoholics synonymous we care about what’s going on in our fellowship and the direction that we’re heading and we know that we are part small part of a great hole and that our voice counts and we’re very interested in the fellowship staying whole with its primary purpose as a matter of fact um not long ago when they came out with the fourth edition and this is just an example of the power of your hom group um one of the things that they had listed in the I think some part in there but that there was no difference between the online meeting and the meeting the home group around the corner well we largely disagreed with that and uh we think there’s a huge difference and we were one of the groups that wrote into gso respectfully requesting that that be changed and because of groups writing in that was changed so you can be a part of something bigger than just what’s going going on in your own backyard what’s going on in your own backyard is extremely important because that’s where we do our work of helping other alcoholics but it’s also important for us for myself and for our home group to care about what’s going on at a as AA as a whole so I’ve been very fortunate I’ve had very fine teachers and Alcoholics Anonymous very fine Messengers and Alcoholics Anonymous I have my heroes in Alcoholics Anonymous and um I just I love you all and uh thank you so much for having me thank you for listening to sober Sunrise if you enjoyed today’s episode please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message until next time have a great day