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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. I'm Wayne B.

I'm an alcoholic. By God's grace and the power of 12 steps and a fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous, I've been sober since the 8th of November 1977. I'm uh pretty happy about that, which means I've had no booze, pills, powders, potions, or lotions that unnecessarily affect my emotions from that date to this.

I do have a history of dating mind and mood altering women, but uh I picked a sponsor that didn't like that. So, and I'm sure they would tell you the same of me, so we'll just be fair. Uh, I want to thank Joe for and the committee for uh inviting me to come spend this weekend with you.

It's a beautiful thing. I love a with all my heart and soul. I do.

Uh, and uh I want to thank uh Jason for picking me up to the airport and driving me around. And man, uh we rode down here. I rode with him from Portland as the longest 10 years of my life.

And but it went quick. I want to thank Max for hosting me. Guys asked me numerous times if there's anything you can do.

I like that. Thank you, Max. Um, anybody I missed?

Sonia, thanks for your Thanks. I love you. We're like connected.

Your story sounds like mine only in female version. I I've heard three women that I've identified my life with. You're one of them.

And uh for the part that I heard Carrie of your share, thank you. I was out in the hallway judging everybody and uh just like some of you are going to judge me. But I'm I'll find you and get you back.

I am uh we've had two great speakers and you know uh if you're looking for spiritual experience, you don't got to look no further than your left or your right. We talk a lot about spiritual experiences, I think, and I've had many spiritual awakenings in my sobriety, but I was really baffled by that spiritual experience thing. But I believe we are men and women, people who aren't supposed to be here, whether you're AA, Alanon, or whatever.

Uh, and I think that the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous, the miracle of Zoom, the miracle of of what we've been through, we're a part of history now. You and I are tethered to the history of Alcoholics Anonymous in this moment. This is a moment.

I mean, I'm 71 years old and my moments are precious now and and I look for them and this is driving with Jason was a big moment. Don't worry, he'll have his turn tomorrow. So, he'll lie though.

So, so I'm tasked with sharing the experience and and I hope that if you relate, you'll get some strength and hope. And I know some of you probably won't identify with me. So, uh, you know, don't blame your way out of AA by not identifying with me.

Uh, just keep sticking around. There's going to be six or eight speakers this weekend. Going to be a lot of activities.

Just keep coming. Hang in there. And I I just want to say this before I get into it.

Uh, there's a benefit to long-term sobriety. I couldn't possibly know what I know from my experience had I not stayed sober all these years one day at a time. And that the power of that experience becomes a spiritual type of a knowledge.

It's like accessing the power of humility. And when I was able to access that power, not only did my life continue to change, but my mind began to change. and I access the power of humility when I talk to a newcomer or they talk to me or I'm in a room like this and and I don't ever want to forget that because what Clansancy always used to say was I I'm here today but I may not be with you tomorrow.

He's not the only one who said it but it's a true statement. We don't know, you know, Zoom. A lot of people got sober on Zoom during the Zoom era.

And I don't mean to be a buzzkill, but we don't hear about the ones who went out because they didn't have this this leg of the three-legged stool. And before I get into the business of my story, I just want to talk about that for a minute. I want I want to talk about that three-legged stool because we hear a lot about the 12 steps.

And sometimes I think we hear people diminish the fellowship a little bit to to raise up the idea of the the 12 steps. But it's a three-legged stool that the old-timers taught me about. And the first leg of that stool is the fellowship, our entry into AA, but it's only one leg.

And that stool can't stand. The second leg of that is the 12 steps. The third leg of that is the unity.

The s the unity of the fellowship and the seat as Reverend Sam Shoemaker said the seat is described in the definition of a soul. The soul sickness that I have. That's important to know.

So that three-legged stool without the seat, which is better known as God as we understand him, that stool can't stand without the seat. And that's important to talk about. I think I think it's been overlooked for quite some time now.

And so I real I focus with my sponses today on that three-legged stool. And I want to make sure they get all three sides, the recovery, the unity, and the service, the three legacies of Alcoholics Anonymous because I think a lot of us drift away because we're not connected through service. I've I've witnessed it myself in my own sobriety.

So enough of that. One more thing. I used to I'm a big I'm a recovered bigbook thumper.

Now I'm a big book enthusiast, which means I no longer hit people in the head with my book. It's interesting how our fellowship I don't I think that it's been so long since I've been with you like this that my mind is is in a different place tonight. I mean, Joe was weeping at dinner.

You know, I didn't know Joe had issues health-wise, and I came here with some health issues I'm not going to go into, but when he told me his, I got better all of a sudden. Has anybody else been dying really bad until they hear somebody else go, I don't want what you got? So, you know what I mean, Joe?

Uh, and so I'm taking care of the business. I'm taking care of medically, and I'm and I'm I'm getting better. I've had several health issues and that's what happens I guess the way I used to live.

So um I suppose I should become alcoholic. So uh you know in this book when I came here at the age of 23 I was diagnosed at that I'd begun to get psychiatric diagnosis. So I want to get this out there before I tell my story because like Sonia you might think I'm mentally ill because of our stories because there's a lot of psychiatry in my story.

There's a lot of misdiagnosises in my story because of the lies I told. I don't know how many of you studied the DSM3. Those that are laughing know exactly what I'm talking about.

The DSM3 is the manual that psychiatrists and psychologists use to diagnose you. So, I knew what look to give, what thing to say to get a pill that I I'm not violating the tradition. I'm not going to talk about them.

I was just saying I didn't understand I was alcoholic. So when I got here, I didn't know what alcoholism was. I saw my dad drink brown whiskey and act how he acted.

I saw my mom drink tequila and I saw how she acted. So I'm not going to drink that stuff. And I was a peculiar kid.

Some people said Peculiar. I like that better. I want to tell you about my first obsession because it alcoholism and the more the more the world evolves and and science keeps looking for an answer to this dilemma and they keep putting labels on this dilemma the farther away we get from what's in this book from our heritage from our legacy and I want to protect the legacy of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Uh I guess that that's my motive I hope. Um, and you know, so but so I got to become alcoholic first so that you won't think I'm just mentally ill. You'll think that, but I don't want you to think that.

Bill cleverly hid the simplicity of step one on page 44. Here's all it means for me to be alcoholic. And I hope you don't mind me.

I'm only going to read a couple things here because I know what this is about, right? But I want to read how I became an alcoholic because you see I didn't identify with the description of the real alcoholic at 23. I hadn't changed my drinking.

I had never matter of fact to this day I've never taken a drink in the morning. I have done not done 90% of what describes the description of a real alcoholic at the age of 23. So I dismissed this out of countenance and my sponsor who appointed himself asked me to read the book.

So, I got to chapter 4, the title, we agnostics. I'm not. I'm a little Christian boy that went to church every Sunday.

Little Wayne, they nicknamed me Lil Wayne. I heard someone hijack that name. And so when I read we agnostics, I just did what many of us do.

I thought I'm not agnostic. We went chapter five. The problem with that is going to how it works before I'm convinced I'm an alcoholic means I'll probably halfmeasure everything after that because I'm not convinced.

I wasn't convinced at this level that I'm truly alcoholic because after all I started getting diagnosed psychiatrically at the age of nine. I was raised in an alcoholic home. Many of you understand that.

Bill wrote in our literature that any child raised in an alcoholic home is bound to turn out to be more or less neurotic. I'm on the more side, but riding with Jason made me feel better about myself. So, I want to become alcoholic real quick so I can dispense with that.

And here it is. I finally went back and read that chapter because my sponsor said, "He doesn't mean you're agnostic. It he means you feel and think like that while you believe in God." And that stunned me.

Now, I'm going to put this in the first person if you don't mind because that's important for me to relate to it. He wrote, "Oops, wrong chapter." Okay. If when I honestly want to, do I find I cannot quit drinking entirely?

Man, that is not fair. Now, I took the 20 questions test from John Hopkins. Play along.

How many of you have taken the 20 question test? In my opinion, that's the dumbest test I've ever seen. Now, I'm going to tell you why.

I'm a forward reader. Not forward thinker. I'm a forward reader.

And so when I open up a new book, I go to the back of the book because if I don't like the ending, why read it? So I went to the bottom of that test and they put the quantification answers right at the bottom of the test. It says one.

If you answer yes to one, there's 20 questions. If you answer one, you might be alcoholic. If you answer yes to two, you are probably alcoholic.

If you answer yes to three or more, you are definitely alcoholic. And I knew right then and there they ain't getting three. I don't give a rip what's on that test.

My my dilemma is do I give them one or two cuz I don't want them to think I'm lying. This test is even more difficult. If when I honestly want to do I find I cannot quit drinking entirely.

You know I can lie to you. I did. I can lie to anybody about my drinking.

I never wanted to quit drinking. Not once did I want to quit drinking. But that's only because deep inside I knew I couldn't.

So why want to if you know you can't? And I didn't understand why I couldn't quit because I understand the science of ethanol alcohol. The science of ethanol alcohol is that it's not an addictive substance by nature.

So that baffled me. Later I read in the big book where it said cunning, baffling. That was baffling to me.

I didn't understand. But when I'm looking at that man in the mirror, I'm not a psychopath. That's this is not a public opinion poll, by the way.

I'm not a psychopath or a sociopath. I got a conscience. And when I'm looking in that mirror after I've lied to everybody else, I cannot lie to that guy looking back at me.

And I knew I couldn't quit. That's one yes. I'm expecting 19 more.

Or if when I'm drinking, do I have little control of the amount I take? This is getting tough because I know even though I know alcohol is not an addictive substance by nature, I know if I pick up a drink, I'm not going to predict what I did, what I'm going to do, and when I'm going to stop, if I'm going to stop. That is baffling.

That's two yeses. And then it goes on, no more questions, which is startling. Then it says, I am probably alcoholic.

That was close. Probably. And in my experience, and I bet many of yours, most of us die between probably and definitely.

The task for us here is to get from probably to definitely. And I can only share my experience. I got to that definitely somewhere between step one and nine.

Somewhere between steps one and nine. and hanging out in the fellowship, going to a lot of meetings. Somewhere in that mix without my permission, I went from probably to definitely.

And I'm here to report that had I not done those things, I don't think I would have got to definitely. And I'd have been like four members of my family that all had sobriety in AA at one time and all four died drunk, too, by suicide. That was baffling to me.

They all had sobriety at one time in AA and all four of them drank again and used drugs and died by suicide. Two of them. That baffled me.

So just one more thing from the big book if you don't mind. He hid it in how it works. How many times do we hear how it works read?

We hear it so many times we've become oblivious to it sometimes, don't we? It's time to check our phones. Talk to I mean they're reading how it works.

there's got something else to be cuz we get so used to hearing it and reading it. But you know what? One day it became apparent to me how important it was.

So you're not going to see me on my phone or talking to my neighbor during how it works because I want to be an example for the new person because now I know cuz Bill wrote in the first paragraph what's probably going to kill me. He said rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly fought our path. Did you notice path isn't plural?

Think about that. I did path ain't plural. There's about 300 journeys in here.

One path for Alcoholics Anonymous. I was busy pluralizing this past with a bunch of Far Eastern, outrageous, insane ideology that I brought in here by myself. And then he told me why my family members have died drunk.

Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program. The important part of that is is am I a cannot or am I a will not or am I a combination of the two. Well, if you're asking me because it's a subjective thing.

This is important if you sponsor people. I believe the subjective nature of my mind is going to cut me a break at every turn. That's why I need a sponsor.

That's why I need friends that can be objective with me. I gave my sponsor permission to have his o objectivity override my subjectivity because if you if you ask me how many meetings do I think I need? Well, it's one a month subjectively speaking.

My sponsor says one a day. Now, I don't know if you can count, but big discrepancy between one a month and one a day. But because I trusted William Barney Barnett and later a series of other men who have been in my life as influencers, mentors, our speaker tomorrow night, I'm sure she's going to mention that we stand on the shoulders of giants.

When I heard that, I was 18 days sober. And the comment behind that is so that we don't trip and fall over the bodies of those who could not or would not see our way of life. And so one more thing and the other part of how it works that I listen to is part B where it says probably no human power could relieve me of my alcoholism.

I misidentified what he meant by that until I dug into the history of why he was saying that because it goes something like this. And I'm not putting down anything outside AA. We're not supposed to give an opinion on outside issues.

So I'm going to come from my own experience. The human powers of medicine, psychiatry, psychology, sociology, theology, and pharmarmacology tried everything they could to relieve me of my alcoholism. They could not.

But God could and would. When I link AA inextricably with God, when I link that, he could, did, and still does relieve me of my alcoholism one day at a time. That's how simple this is.

Now, to my bad character, I was a peculiar kid. I'd like to tell you my first obsession was alcohol, but it wasn't. I know it's aa.

Don't get mad at me. Was milk bone dog biscuits. You got to hang with me for a minute on this one.

I love them. See, my dad had a hunting dog, a beagle, and the dog was a good hunter, so he bought him treats. We didn't get treats.

So, I had a resentment. I didn't know that's what it was. And so, I started tealing stealing his milk bones.

Now, my dad was a teamster out of Chicago, and he worked for a guy named Jimmy Hoffa out of Michigan. My dad was that guy. And his buddies would come over and play poker on Friday night, and I would go get a milkbone, put it in my mouth, and walk right out into the poker room where those guys were playing.

And they looked at me like I was peculiar. It was worth the beaten I got every time I got the beaten. Pretty soon they hid him from me and I can't find him.

I'm getting annoyed. I'm mad at the dog. It's the dog's fault.

Right. So I take up I'm a clever little kid. I didn't many most of us alcoholics I didn't say we're smart.

We're just clever. And so I took up grocery shopping with my mom. I two and two equals four.

So, I knew where she's buying them. So, I took She thought it was cute that Lil Wayne wanted to go shopping with her. I'm a mama's boy, right?

Well, I'm like short. My mom would lose track of me. She'd be over in the milk and eggs and she'd hear it over the loudspeaker.

Would someone please get their kid out of the dog food aisle cuz I'd be sitting there eating them right out of the box. Ain't making this up. So, my mom wouldn't let me go shopping no more.

And I can't stop thinking about them. I can't. I'm watching cartoons and they got a commercial on for the family size.

Now, when you're a little kid, those are big. And I asked my mom if I could have one. She said, "No." So, the cleverness kicked in.

I knew she had to give that dog a milk bone sooner or later. So my brother and sister are out playing out in the yard and I'm hiding behind the couch on Saturday and I see my dad's beagle trotting out to the kitchen when my mom called him. His ears are flopping.

He looks at me behind the couch and it's my opinion. Goes out in the kitchen. I hear some rustling around.

All of a sudden, here he comes. Now he's trottting with his head up and he's got this familysized milk bone dangling from his mouth. And that dog does not know what hit him.

I came out from behind that couch. I got on top of him, put him in a headlock, and did everything I could to get him to drop that milk bone. And he just wasn't letting he wasn't letting go and letting God.

I'll tell you that right now. And so I bit his ear. And I'm chewing on that ear.

And he finally lets go. How many of you remember that moment you think you've won? That moment that this is it.

And I saw that bone dropping and that's what I thought that it's mine. I reached out and grabbed that milk bone. And the reason he let it go is cuz he's biting me back.

I have a scar here. And I have a scar inside my eyebrow where he locked onto my face. And he shook the obsession through milkbone right out of my body.

No sponsor, no steps, no bees, no commitments, no inventories. From that day to this, I've not had a a milk bone. No kibbles and bits.

Several quibbles and fits. We'll just do that. You see, that's an obsession.

How many times did alcohol, king alcohol, shake the life out of me? And the consequences of my drinking became inconsequential. And I didn't know why.

So, I just don't want to drink. Fast forward to November 2nd, 1972. I've been back in Vietnam.

My second tour of duty about a year. I'm living on Skid Row. I just moved into a fancy dumpster behind Larry's Oasis.

Many of us don't get don't recover on Skid Row. There's a lot of people out there, a lot of them aren't alcoholic. They're just ismatic.

They've got a broken spirit. Many of us in this room have a broken spirit. That's why they called this an allergy, the body, obsession, and mind.

And that's where medicine stopped. It's important to know this. I think where medicine stops is with the allergy and the obsession.

Dr. Dr. Silfor said so himself in this precious book, The Only authority for Alcoholics Namas.

He said, "The only relief medicine has to suggest is entire abstinence." Well, if you're an alcoholic of my type, that's when my problem starts worse. There's a par, you know, I love I love Chuck C. I I'm going to tell you about that convention in a minute.

But he talked about duality, and I discovered that alcohol presented as a paradox of duality in my mind. Well, it presented at first seemingly a solution to the problems in my mind. This self-centerness is this god awful self-centerness that I had.

How many of us were born selfish and self-centered? I swear to God. Do you know every human being is born selfish and self-centered?

But many of them grow out of it. I grew into it. didn't seem to have no way out.

Didn't understand that. I'm just a dumb kid. And as the ism, this internal spiritual maladjustment began to grow in me.

And I began to feel more separate, different, and alone. And I began to get more weirder as time went by. I'm biting people in school.

I know some of you didn't go to that extreme, but that's your yet. I started eating pencils. Eighth grade, they gave me an IQ test.

You want to play along for a minute? How many of you have taken the IQ test? They administered that to me in eighth grade to try to get a beat on Lil Wayne's problem.

Now, call me out if I'm wrong. If you score over 100, you're pretty smart. You score over 120, you're borderline genius.

you score over a 150, there's an organization called Mensah that will come find you and recruit you. I scored a 57. I didn't cheat.

I got diagnosed mentally and I got put in a group home. I don't want to get into all that because that's just bel. But you know what?

When I drink, I'm not When I drink, I'm so good-looking, I can't stand it. I am hot. I grow hair that ain't there.

I remember I met my first wife. I was in class. And please don't be offended by that.

That's what they called it. I was taken to the senior dance by a guy named Tom who looked out after me during those four years. He protected me from the bullies because I needed protection back then.

And he took me to the senior dance. I don't know what they're doing out there. I never been to.

They kept us from general population. And there's balloons everywhere and they're having this dance and I'm watching them. And Tom says, "I'll be right back." And that scared me.

He was leaving me. I needed help then. I was I was so frightened and insecure and inadequate.

You see, I didn't know I had a broken spirit. I didn't know that. I had a soul sickness already and didn't know it.

And I'm sitting in church every Sunday. I don't understand it. It's written in this book in chapter 4.

Who knew? Tom comes back and he's walking. He's got a he's got his hand tucked in his jacket and he pulls his hand out.

He's got this red brown bottle with a red, white, and blue label. Said Budweiser. And he said, "Here, drink this down.

It'll make you feel better. I didn't know I was a guzzler." You know, in NA and CA they say picking up. In AA we say bottoms up.

And I put that bottle and I guzzled it down, let out a big old belch. And I said, "Tom, that tastes terrible. Can I have a Pepsicola?" Tom said, "That's okay, kid.

Have another. You'll get used to it. See, Tom to this very day is a friend of mine.

He, like his father's in politics in my hometown. What he meant by that was his experience. His father who was in politics, his whole basement was booze, lined with booze, and he entertained a lot.

And one night, Tom got into his dad's liquor and got liquored up. Had to pee. Thought he was in the bathroom.

He was in his bedroom. Thought he was standing over the stool. He was standing over his open dresser drawer.

And he peed in his dresser. And he said he almost went crazy trying to flush it. His mom made him do his own laundry and he said, "I'll never do that again." And from his mouth to my ear, he's never done that again in all these years.

That's what he meant when he said, "I'd get used to it." But you see, I'm not like Tom. Somewhere between four and five buzzers. That 15 minutes that I think we all seek.

That 15 minutes of peace. That 15 minutes where that effect produced that Silkworth talked about took place in me in my spirit. Somehow ethanol alcohol acted in an or in in an in inordinary way.

It it acted in a way it's not chemically indicated to do. It altered my perception of myself and reality. Just say no isn't going to fly.

And I didn't know that happened. That's the damn noble part. I didn't know that happened.

All I know is I'm going to drink Budweiser soon. And I look down the dance floor. I'll never I'll never forget this moment.

It's a moment. I looked down the dance floor and I bowled me a blue-eyed blonde dancing with some loser. Tom says, "Where are you going?" I said, "Right out there." Now he knows I've never danced or nothing in school.

I don't even know what I'm going to do. got up to her, heard someone say, "Can I cut in?" Stole those words. "Can I cut in?" She said, "Yes." I found out later she recognized me from the special class.

So, she was giving me a sympathy dance. Come on, girls. You know how you are.

She She was She was just trying to show me some compassion. And then she started liking me and we stayed together. Her date, she dumped him and stayed with Lil Wayne.

Found out later that night sex meant two people. I didn't know that. been having sex since I was 13.

I thought I was good at it. And she complicated the entire process. You know, when you're alone, you don't have performance anxiety.

I just got to tell you, she got pregnant. We got married. And then I went to Vietnam.

That's the short version. And every drink I took, unbeknownst to me, was for that 15 minutes. And at some point, alcohol Budweiser turned on me.

And I didn't understand that. I walked away from my family, my kids. It was easier for me to live on the street.

You see, it wasn't tough for me to live on the street. I'm that guy that adjusts to any bottom I dig myself into. Which is why so many people tried to help Wayne.

They came to my dumpster, brought me sandwiches. I love the Seventh Day Adventist. They talked to me for a while.

The Mormons came. They all came trying to trying to get me to give up and give in. And then on the night of no on night of Halloween 1972, my father visited my dumpster.

And the last time I saw him was a violent experience. And I heard a knock on my dumpster lid about 1:00 in the morning. I was home alone.

Some of you women are picky. And I lifted that lid up and there's my dad staring at me. And the last time I saw him, he had a gun in my face.

And I was expecting him to do what he said he would do next time he saw me. But he had a different look in his face that I never saw before. He didn't have that frightening, terrorizing look that I'd seen so many times.

I had no idea he'd gone off and joined what they called a cult back then. He didn't say he joined AA. He just asked me if I want to come home with him tonight.

And I looked around my little room. No thanks, Dad. I'm doing fine.

And some of you know I was up here. I just, you know, it's funny how you can accept terrible things, but I can't accept good stuff sometimes. It's an exper.

And he left. And I just want to shorten this story up. After he left, I convinced myself he's going to the car to get the gun.

So I jumped out of that dumpster and began that walk of walks that every one of us had made in our own way. Your walk might have started from that Cadillac you parked on the front porch. Your walk to bottom might have started when your kids found you laying naked in your own stuff in a in a in a hall closet because that's where you passed out.

Bottom is relative to the individual. Location, location, location. I began that walk and I arrived at this place called Harvey's restaurant in Molen, Illinois.

Quitting drinking wasn't anywhere in my radar. It's Halloween night. Usually this restaurant is packed.

It's a truck. It's a truck stop type little restaurant at the edge of East Molen, Illinois. And I looked inside the windows.

There's a little eight old little 800 year old woman slowly wiping down the coffee bar. I sized her up. I knew I could work her for a drink or a meal.

So, I walked in that door. My odor got to her before I did. She drops that rag.

She looks up and she throws me a smile. That took me off guard. She walks up to me and she brings me a glass of water and a cup of coffee.

She said, "What can I do for you, sweetie?" I was ready to work her. She's working me and I don't know it. So, I went into my tale of woe.

I told her about that alcoholic home I lived in. I told her about the trauma. I told her about being taken hostage at nine and locked in a coal bin and tortured and raped by a man.

I told her about the abuse. I told her things I'm not going to tell you here tonight cuz it's not the right place. But I just to get something to eat, I was willing to tell her stuff.

I didn't want to tell my sponsor in a fifth step. Isn't that interesting how dignity doesn't matter when you're in that position? and uh she uh she's kind of surprised me.

Um found out she's an Alanon. She gave me a sandwich and told me I could stay out in the parking lot behind the restaurant till her till her husband Harvey shows up. Harvey was in AA.

Harvey came the next morning. I don't know what I don't know he's in AA. She didn't tell she didn't tell me she's in Alanon.

She didn't tell me. She just worked me. You know how we are.

She offered me a sandwich. Come on. I'll go anywhere for a sandwich, but don't ask me to go on a 12step call at 2 a.m.

You know what I mean? It's like, especially if I'm not hungry. I'm sure none of you are selfish like that.

Harvey comes in the next morning. He puts his hand out and he says, "I I hear you need some help." And he gave me the bum's handshake. There's a coin in it.

And if you're a bum like me, they call you homeless now, but I was a bum. And I knew that coin wasn't currency. I know coins.

And after he got done trying to shake the drunk out of me, there's this brass coin in my hand with two A's on it. And he says, "Turn it over." You know how they anything to humor him. I'm hungry.

So I turned it over and it had this prayer. God grant me something. I said, "What?" And he says, "You take this coin tomorrow down to 4106th Street about noon time.

There's going to be some friends of mine there. You tell them Harvey sent you. Show them that coin.

They'll look out after you for a while." I heard him say, "Money, food, and shelter." And he said, "When you get there, it's in the cellar and you'll see a light bulb hanging on a cord. If that light's on, that means they're in there. go on in.

Now, telling a newcomer that that doesn't know he's a newcomer. I went the next day, November 3rd, 1972. Got there a little before noon, located the light bulb.

It wasn't on. It was flickering. Harvey didn't tell me what to do if it was flickering.

I'm out there like this on the sidewalk. If you ever see somebody doing that, just if if you dare, grab your shoulders and just hold them. And I left and got drunk because that light bulb wouldn't stop flickering.

And I went and got drunk. And that night, I remembered that they owe me now. And I went back there to get what I got coming.

Food, cigarettes, and some pocket change. I got back there about 8:00 that night. Isn't that interesting?

8:00 that night on November 3rd. I found out later that group only had three meetings a week. And if they hadn't have been there that night, I'd have had to wait three more days.

There wouldn't have been a soul there if I'd have went the next day or the day before. I got back there. They owe me.

So, I'm going in. Don't care about the light bulb now. I've got just enough Budweiser on board to not care about the light bulb.

And I went through that basement doorway on a rush, failing to notice the door header's 510ish. I'm 6'3ish. I ran into that door knob, that door header at the eyebrow.

The impact lifted me off of my feet. I flat flat on my back. It knocked the wind out of me and I slid into my first meeting of college.

There was a round table inside that room with six or seven old men. Must have been talking about death and dying. And I slid right between two of them.

And his old buzzer gets up out of his chair, looks over me, and he goes just like this. Then he growled at me. Slide right in here, you big dummy.

We got a wrench to fit every nut that comes in the door. And by the looks of you, it's going to have to be an adjustable wrench. I didn't like him right away.

Then he picked me up off the deck and he's holding me up and he goes, "My name's Barney." And I didn't ask. And then he says, "And I'm an alcoholic." I thought, "Oh, you poor SO." So, I know from therapy that when someone self-discloses to you, they're trying to seduce you into giving them something back. So, I gave him something back.

I said, "Well, I'm ADD." And he says, "I'll bet you are." And I said, "You know what else I am?" He said, "What's that?" I said, "I'm OCD." He says, "I'll bet you are." He said, "You know what else I think you might be?" And he I was off guard. I I thought I won. And so I said, "What's that?" He says, "I think you might be ODD." And I know there is not a diagnosis in the DSM3 of ODD.

So I said, "What's that?" He said, "You are very odd." And then he says, "I'm going to be your sponsor." And my journey began. Five years and five days I went to meetings and raised my hand and gave a diagnosis. I never once said I'm an alcoholic.

I said I'm Wayne. I got ADD one. I'm narcissistic personality disorder.

Wasn't borderline. It was borderline personality moonchowin syndrome. Fact tissues disorder syndrome.

I gave a d and they clap. Keep coming back. And on November 8th, 1977, 5 years and 5 days later, is it odd or is it God?

A new guy came in. I had three hours more so writing him. And I raised my hand for him and I said, "I'm Wayne.

I'm an alcoholic. I have not had a drink from that day to this day." Raise my hand. But see, that's only the beginning.

It's the very beginning is admitting somewhere. I got to go from admission to acceptance. And there's another paradox of duality.

That admission will make me feel better. But it's not acceptance. And that's another thing that happens between step one and step nine is somewhere acceptance found me in the work I did.

And that was sufficient to get me going. And so I go along, I'm five years sober. My wife and I got back together again.

We were we were the miracle couple of AA and Alanon. Came home about 1 in the morning, caught my wife with my spons. And I didn't know what to do with that.

So I got my pistol 357 Sonia. I polished my bullets and uh something stopped me from shooting them. I ran to my sponsor's trailer and it's 2:00 in the morning now and I'm knocking on his door of his trailer with the butt of my 357 and he looks out there, he sees me, then he sees the gun and he lets me in.

And I told him what I just saw. And you know these old-timers, I think sometimes we give them a hard time. I think we do.

But they have their moments too, don't they? And he was having a moment with me. And he says to me after I got done telling him what I just saw, he said, "Why are you so mad?

I didn't understand that." So I tried to tell him again what I saw. And he said, "No, I got that. I got the story.

Why are you so mad now? I'm suspicious of him. I think he's going the other day of the week.

And I said, I don't understand what you mean. And he was waiting for a question. And so I said, I I don't know.

What do you mean? And he says, well, look, she's not your property. She's not your property.

She can do whatever she wants with that body. It's none of your business. We're married.

Oh, you think that's possessive? You think you own her because you're married. and he he's trying he's reasoning with me and I don't know it.

You can't defend yourself and you don't know it. And then he said, "By the way, when he asked you to sponsor him, didn't you ask him why? And didn't he say he wanted what you had?" And it's like, I didn't think that was funny.

But you see, Barney did my fifth step. He knew me better than I knew myself. He knew exactly how to come back at me because he heard my fifth step.

You see? And he said, "I'll tell you what. I know your wife and I don't think she wants to quit doing that behavior." And so you have a choice.

You can live with her and be okay with it or you can move out and let her be free. Now, that kind of rationale would never occur to me. So, he took me over there the next day and we moved me out.

And I got to tell you something, it was the right thing to do because until last year when he passed away of natural causes, they've been together this whole time. They were perfect for each other. Isn't that something how that works?

I didn't like how it happened, but my sponsor saved the day. And I didn't even know he was saving the day. You hear me?

And at 70 years sober, I didn't understand this paradox of duality. I didn't understand that now that I'm not drinking and I'm not using psych meds and I don't have the understanding of my condition that I'm worse now than I was 7 years earlier and I'm going I'm thinking AA is not working. This isn't working.

How come so and so's got this and got that? I'm doing everything you tell me to do, Barney. Why is it working for me so much for that God you talk about?

And he laughed. And then uh when I started putting guns in people's faces, uh he put me on a one-way bus ride to Los Angeles, California, and said to go see this guy named Clancy. And uh I took that bus ride and uh he didn't have a magic wand to wave.

He just knows how to deal with people like me. I wish getting to know him that six months I was there and then he sent me back to Illinois to straighten my life out. I wish just getting to know somebody would be the solution.

But you know what? Here's where long-term sobriety pays off. As I look back over 43 years, one day at a time and I think about the promises in our book where it says if we are painstaking about this phase of our development, I want you to know something.

In every season of my life, sober, I've gone through phases of development. I didn't know that's what they were. I thought they were mistakes, which some were.

I thought I thought I was a bad actor. I thought I was a bad car. A lot of things happened in the first 20 years of my sobriety.

And I thank God so much for sponsorship that that understands that and says it's okay to look back, but it's impolite to stare. So make your amends and keep moving forward. How brilliant is that?

You see, because me, I'm gonna beat myself to death or you. And yet at each phase of my development something of a inordinate entity we call God. Bill called spirit of the universe underlined totality of things comes along and we forgive the word.

We minister to each other. We share experience strength and hope. We try not to judge as best we can.

I'm so bad at that. But I'm much better today than I was 43 years ago. I assure you of that.

And um I just want to touch on this. I'm so grateful for our literature for the structure ordered. You know, my sponsor in incorporated the soda pop program.

How many of you heard of that? The soda pop program. Clancy had that in his backyard.

And I'm not using Clancy as a prop. My first job at the yard was picking up dog poop and I didn't like that. No, no good at all.

But you want to play volleyball, you got to clean the yard. So, soda pop, structure, order, discipline, and accountability. And my head popped out of my butt.

Soda pop. So, I have always been aligned with groups that have structure, order, discipline, and accountability because I'm that type of an alcoholic that responds to that. In the military, I love the military.

I want you to know something. I was going to make a career in the military. I saw myself going from enlisted to officer status to being somebody.

I saw that. I loved the Navy. I love the Aspree decor.

You could see you can see your face in my shoes. They were so shiny back then. I loved the snap salutes.

I loved my captain. Vietnam didn't turn me away from wanting to serve my country and love my military. I was proud of the medals I was awarded.

I was never leaving. And I was babysitting the captain. I want you to know something.

If you get to babysit the captain's kids, you're somebody in his world. And he asked me one night to babysit his two precious kids. Hadn't had a beer for quite a while.

So I checked out the ship's company car. Hadn't drank for a while. Memories gone.

No pain. Checked out the ship's company car. And on my way to pick up his two precious kids, I thought, "Well, one beer can't hurt." So I picked up a 12-pack and went and picked up his kids.

I don't remember anything else. I came out of that blackout with my captain screaming at me. Where are my kids?

They called that alcoholism. Can you believe that? They told me, "I have to go to treatment in Philadelphia or I got to leave the United States Navy." He gave me an option.

He said, "I'm going to make sure you get an honorable discharge because of your medals. But if you don't go to treatment, you're going home." He gave me a choice. I didn't know I'd lost the power of choice.

I didn't know that that that power of choice was stripped away by this allergy and this obsession. And so I took the discharge. And I'll never forget how I felt when I walked off the quarter deck of that ship with my seabag over my shoulder and being judged by my fellow shipmates.

And all I had to do is go to treatment, but I couldn't because I'm not an alcoholic. I only drink beer. The madness of that.

That's how I drank. And so here I am, seven years sober. He sends me out to California.

I spent six months there in Clancy's backyard and in the group. And I identified for the first time in my life with other neurotics like me. I didn't know that there was the difference between Bill and Bob.

I didn't know that that neurosis wasn't actual mental illness like I thought it was. What I discovered through the history of Father Ed Ding, Dr. Harry Tibo, Reverend Sam Shoemaker, Sister Nisha, Dr.

Bob, I didn't know through that history what happened was they discovered that when you take away the allergy and the obsession, some of us are left with a spiritual malady. That alcohol was treating. That's called alcoholism.

Clancy called it disease of perception. Chuck C called it conscious separation from God. Normaly talked about how life hangs in the balance of seconds and inches.

Johnny H said, "I'm too good for the bad people and too bad for the good. Where do I go?" Tom Brady talked about emotional sobriety. You see, those influencers got into my head and it was later that those influencers played a part.

You know, I think sometimes we get caught up in the idea that what we're hearing right now is invaluable or irre irrelevant. But it's interesting how all these influencers who have been in my life and I've had numerous influencers in my sobriety to prove to me that when I took that step three in my seventh year soiety, the first one was mechanical. You know, the first time I went through the steps, it was mechanical.

Just get it done. Get through it. It was mechanical.

You know what? You know where the You know where I went from probably to definitely was when I was doing the steps with somebody else. When I was taking somebody else through the steps.

The first part was mechanical to get me to do it. But when I started taking other people through the steps, that's when it started inching its way from probably to definitely. And I don't want to drift away like so many do.

And I don't think I will, at least not today, because I am convinced down here that not only am I alcoholic, I have the allergy and the obsession, but I also have that spiritual malady that the book talks about. And you see, that's what's perfect about AA in my opinion. And this is so important.

You see, AA is not designed to treat disease of any kind. AA is designed, this is my opinion, is designed specifically to treat one thing and one thing only, the spiritual malady. And Bill wrote, "When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically." That's my experience.

Yes, there's psychiatric care. Yes, there's people with organic mental illness. Yes, that's all true.

But in my case, I had no idea that I was treating a spiritual malady with Budweiser and fine wine like Ripple, Boon Farm, Strawberry Hill. So, I want to talk about step three for just a minute because it's changed its look to me. See, this is another benefit of long-term sobriety, one day at a time.

I hope you newcomers know I'm trying to coach you into living in today, but look toward it. Because I couldn't know what I know about step three had I not taken it the third time with other people. Because here's what I learned.

You know, when you look at page 62, it tells a brief story. You see, I come from that little mound view evangelical free church. I don't mean to offend anybody, but I personally love God and I love Jesus.

All that I love that, but I don't bring it into AA. You might think I just did, but I didn't. I just mention it.

See, that's not a treatment for alcoholism. God, I wish it. I wish the bigger book I wish that book that I know like the back of my hand.

I wish that book was a treatment for alcoholism, but it's not. You see, this book that's divinely inspired, in my opinion, coupled with our experience is what resolves the mental and emotional conflicts in my head and my mind that come from the spiritual malady. And I absolutely believe that's what happened to me because nothing else explains the change in my perception.

that change in perception that so many of our pioneers in AA our scouts that they understood that I have a disease of perception and my perception cannot change because I will it to my perception has changed because I have stepped my way into it. It's a fascinating adventure. So it's interesting how it took experience before my understanding of step three changed.

And I think this and I I love sharing this with my new people and I I I'm light on the God stuff because I don't want to scare any person who's who's got skittish problems. But you know, Dr. Bob said in his story that if you have some form of intellectual pride that blocks you off from God, I feel sorry for you.

He didn't mince words about it, but I'm going to be more gentle than that. On page 62, hereafter in this drama of life, God is going to be my director. He is the principal.

I'm his agent. At 7 and a half years sober, this began to change my perception. It took another 18 years for that perception to change, to become useful and powerful before I could access the power of humility that Bill wrote about in the 12 and 12.

You see, when I moved out here in 1992 from Iowa, I'd given up a job as a police officer in Poke County, Iowa. I'd moved to California. I took a part-time job doing bodyguard work, which I love to do.

And this is where I got the hint about this, and I just want to share it with you because I think it's powerful. He is the director. He is the principal.

You know, in 1993, uh, I got a job with Frank Jay, who passed away recently from Agent Orange from Vietnam. A true hero. He hired me to work for the Saudis up in Hollywood Hills.

And one of our charges was a guy named uh, Crown Prince Sud, little eight-year-old brat who's going to be the next king of Saudi Arabia. And so every fourth day, he was my principal and my direction was to keep my eye on him and don't let him get hurt. Every fourth day, you know, that that knowledge played a part here because then I thought, oh, he's the director.

What's a director do? I got to spend some time on a TV set and the director is in charge and the director is tells you what to do and they don't care if you like it. A director sets the stage, tells you what they want you to do.

They give you words to say that aren't yours and they actually want you to say them. The director lets you know when you don't. He's the director.

Crown Prince Sud was my principal. My job is to keep my eyes on him at all times. So the third step began to take a change with my experience.

I thought, oh, so my job with God as I understand him is to keep my eyes on him at all times and to know he's the director. So where do I get his directions? He passed them on to Bill, didn't he?

And Bob and the first hundred. That awakening allowed me to grow along spiritual lines. A little bit, a little bit more, a little bit more, a little bit more.

And then it says, and this is important because one of the reasons I drank because I was confused about who I am. And you see, alcohol reduces those feelings of difference enough that I can live in the world for a minute. And so I've always wanted to know who am I really?

What's this who thing? God, I take a few drinks and I know exactly who I am. I'm Superman.

I'm John Wayne. But it says here, he is the father, we are his children. And then my other education came in to kick in and oh, I know who I am.

It's singular. Just like path. Path is singular.

This is singular. This is an astounding moment for me. It happened when I was 20 years sober.

when it came home to me. You see, staying sober one day at a time is critical because we don't know when your event's going to take place. You may think it's not working.

You may want to stop just before you hear the next AA messenger drop a dime on you and you go like this. Oh. Oh, I found out who I am is singular.

I'm a child of God. I just don't act like one. I'm disconnected.

Like Chuck C told me, I'm disconnected. Alcohol somehow makes me feel connected somehow. It's a strange thing.

Why would I quit drinking if drinking creates a spiritualike experience that Dr. Jung talked about? Dr.

Yung talked about that spiritist contra spiritum. Alcohol in an alcoholic produces this you this experience a godlike experience of seeming normaly why would I not drink I need a solution for that don't I need a sufficient substitute for that now I know who I am I'm not what I did that's what I did there's a guy uh named uh uh Anthony H who said something on TV once he said I am I I am who I am and I do what I do. I am who I am.

I do what I do. I am not what I do. And I discovered that who I am as a child of God set me up for the last part of the third step.

Then it goes on to say I have a new employer being all powerful. He provided what I need if I kept close to him and performed his work well. another shift of understanding, another shift in aa.

And I began to see myself in a different light. Yes, I'm alcoholic, and yes, I have alcoholism, but I'm also a child of God, one day at a time. My job is to try to act like a grown-up type.

There in lies the rub. Therein lies the need for a sponsor. You see, and the reason that's so important is the way I was living my life.

If you got near me, you got hurt. And I just didn't seem to be able to stop that. And then I started looking with a different pair of glasses, as Chuck C talked about, a new pair of glasses.

This was a new pair of glasses for me. And I was taught in step 10, 11, and 12, how to continue to keep away all of that selfishness and self-centerness that blocks me. And you know I don't do that all day every day.

You know that I'm a piece of work. Let me tell you. I share that with you because in my trials and tribulations in my life in AA I've been down.

I've been up. I've been around. But I'll tell you what, for the last 10 or 15 years that that thing called happy has found me.

And I have no rhyme or reason to be happy. If you want to know the truth, I got medical stuff going on and it doesn't get me. I've got all kinds of stuff going on.

I've got Okay, I'll be transparent. I mean, I'm facing eye surgery. I got a tumor in this eye and I'm dealing with that.

And I've got a great surgeon who's going to do my eye surgery in October. She says I have a 50/50 chance of not losing my eyesight. So, I'm not looking at the old 50% and trying to find a new doctor.

I'm looking at the 50% that's positive and that there's hope for me. You see, and uh that's not too bad, huh? When you think about it, it's probably not the talk you were expecting, but that's the one I'm giving you.

You know, I made my amends. It was tough. I hurt so many people.

The worst amends I had to make were the one sober. You know, I didn't just get sober and straighten out. And I don't use any excuses.

You know, Clancy had a reputation of saying you don't get drunk by making mistakes. You get drunk defending them. We Jason and I were talking about that in that triage of a ride we took.

And then I want to jump on this real quick. You know, when I was a when I was uh 9 years sober, I admitted to my sponsor I wanted to be a cop and he laughed at me. That's impos.

You know, I've been arrested nine times. Twice drunk, seven times, not drinking, going to AA. Now, when you're not drinking, they don't call that alcoholism.

They call it criminality. And uh so I knew I couldn't. I've been in 17 psychiatric hospitals.

I suppose I should tell you that. Uh I'll tell you the name of one. You can actually Google it.

They they started posting a picture of this institution a couple years ago. They shut it down in 1982 because they used electric shock treatment as punishment, not therapy. It's called the Watertown Insane Asylum.

It's located in East Molen, Illinois. I was in there 14 times. I selfsigned in four times.

That's where my girlfriend lived. I don't have time to tell you that whole story, but I became a cop, 10 years sober, started out as a reserve, joined the reserve department, and I got assigned to drunk driving. So, I got the 12step, you fools.

God, I loved handcuffing you, putting you in my back seat, and talking to you all the way to jail. I've never been one to work a nineto-ive job. It's just not my thing.

Uh I don't owe anybody any money. I've paid my bills. I've made my amends.

My life on the inside is so much better than my life on the outside. And I have a to thank for that. I have so many friends in here.

Um I think about uh my job you know uh there's six people that carried the message to me when I was new at a convention. Chuck C, Norm Alpie, Clancy, Johnny Dy Shore from Radford and Tom Brady Jr. were the six first six speakers in AA that I heard and they got me.

They did what Mandela did. I don't know if you heard of the Mandela effect. You know here in AA we have our own language.

We we have elk ease. Mandela in Africa in 1992. He reiterated something he said earlier than that.

But I think it applies here. He said in Africa, he said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I can speak to you in English and you would understand me. It would get into your head.

But if I speak to you in African, I will go past your head and I will get into your heart." So tonight I will speak your African. That happens here. I hope I'm doing that tonight.

I know the first two speakers did. Language of the heart. No lectures to be endured.

No people to please. Well, and I think about those things and that I get to be here with you. I mean, I I'm teasing Jason because I know he's going to get me tomorrow night, but tomorrow afternoon.

But but uh uh we've become friends. We're people who normally would not mix. And we're a room full of people who normally would not mix.

I've got a host of sponses. I've got a great sponsor. He's got a sponsor.

He's got a sponsor. I sponsor several alcoholics. And you know what?

It isn't that I saved their life like they think I have. Is they saved mine. I'm gonna leave here different than I came.

Every time I do something of service to AA, a week or two or three will pass and I'll go, "Oh, wow. That changed me just a little bit." And that's when the rest of the third step came true. We are agents of change.

And where he said, "We're his agent." And I have a job to do. My job description is chapter seven, working with others. That's my job description.

I know who I work for in the spiritual realm. My job site happens to be right here right now. And my sponsor said, "God picks the speakers." So when that phone rings, your answer is yes.

There's been many times I wanted to say no. This wasn't one of them. So I'm going to I'm going to wrap it up with that.

We've been we've been here a long time. I want to wrap it up with this. I just want to tell you something.

Steps 10, 11, and 12 are for me are tandem. They're together. You know, Father Dian had Bill use the prayer of St.

Francis as his meditation. And he had him use a thing called the Desa Dorado. I found those hanging on the wall as stepping stones.

And they were they were his working models. And I found those and I began to incorporate that into my life. And little by little by little, I'm being changed.

I'm not the change agent. And I want to leave you newcomers with this. What I discovered about having a commitment, having a home group, doing what you say you're going to do when you say you're going to do it, showing up for other people, getting outside myself, thinking about you instead of me, the prayer of St.

Francis, it's better to love than to be loved. What? He's got that backwards.

And yet, I have found freedom in focusing on loving others rather than me being loved. It's better to understand than to be understood. I thought that was hogwash, too.

Because I'm running around wanting people to understand Wayne. And he says, "Seek understanding." And he said, "Comfort rather than be comforted." How many of us have been so selfish and self-centered that we want other people to comfort us all the time? And we don't I don't get out of myself to try to comfort somebody else.

Those little tools in that 11step prayer that I use daily to the best of my ability have brought me to a position in my life where I feel happy, joyous, and free. I'm no longer addicted to feeling better. I'm now committed to getting better.

And there's a difference. So, I think I'm getting melancholy, so I'm going to stop here. I'm going to I I just Especially if you're new.

You don't have to believe me. Just come around. Keep coming.

You're going to hear speakers tomorrow. Sharon's going to give a talk tomorrow night. Sunday morning is another talk.

And what happens is invisible. You see, the spirituality of life is invisible. And I've been a recipient of that.

I think it's great. Thank you for uh letting me share your uh Summerfest 44. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise.

If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.