AA Speaker – Matt K. – Los Angeles, CA – 2017
AA speaker Matt K. from Los Angeles shares 38+ years sober, walking through forgiveness, reconnecting with a Higher Power, and learning to let go of needing his way.
Matt K. from Los Angeles has been sober since November 1978—nearly 40 years. In this AA speaker meeting, he walks through his early chaos (arrests, brain injuries, suicide attempts), his moment of clarity at a Grateful Dead concert, and the slow work of learning that his two core problems boil down to not getting his way and disconnection from a Higher Power. He shares stories of amends, sponsorship, and what it means to truly surrender.
Matt K. is an AA speaker with 38+ years of sobriety who details his bottom—multiple arrests, substance abuse, head trauma, and suicide attempts—and his turning point when his mother gave him a choice: Germany, 30 days in AA, or the Midnight Mission. He discusses how working with sponsors, reconnecting to a Higher Power (especially through his current sponsor Howard P.), and learning forgiveness transformed his life across career, family, health crises, and long-term emotional sobriety. Matt emphasizes that acceptance comes from surrendering the need to control outcomes and staying connected to God throughout the day, not just in crisis.
Episode Summary
Matt K. carries 38 years sober, and he doesn’t sugarcoat what it took to get here. His story opens with the chaos of his last days drinking—a quart of vodka and six packs of malt liquor daily, arrests stacking up, a girlfriend’s betrayal, brain injuries that left him with partial amnesia and no sense of smell, and a moment when a doctor looked him in the eye and said, “Your friends are trying to kill you. You’re going to die.”
The turning point came at a Grateful Dead concert on June 3rd, 1978. Matt had taken acid, drunk case after case of liquor, and blacked out the whole night. When he woke up and got arrested, his mother picked him up from jail and gave him three choices: a one-way ticket to Germany or Hawaii, 30 days of Alcoholics Anonymous, or the Midnight Mission. He chose the meetings.
His first sponsor laid out the rule simply: nothing that affects you from the neck up. Matt heard this and made a mental deal with himself—he’d quit drinking, but kept speed as an out. He wasn’t fully done yet. A month later, after a fender-bender and a relapse on beer and malt liquor, a friend from the program (whose name he doesn’t share) told him straight: “You’re going to die. Go back to AA tomorrow.” Matt went back the next day and never drank again.
The real work of sobriety came over decades. Matt talks about getting a sponsor named Clancy, who told him not to organize his life around meetings—to work, to grow, to live. That advice led Matt to night work at a club, which cost him Wednesday meetings but got him to a morning meeting where he met Bob, who became his sponsor for 22 years. Bob taught him dignity and humor. When Matt was terrified about a custody hearing, Bob reframed it for him: life’s like the Academy Awards—the judge has already made her decision. Your job is to calmly state your case and be quiet. If you’re worried about the other shoe dropping, what if God only has one leg? Matt went in, let God walk in first, and got custody of his son.
Matt then talks about the two core problems he’s identified: not getting his way, and disconnection from a Higher Power. He spent years chasing goals, achieving them, and feeling empty. He set goals, hit them, then obsessed over perfecting the method to get more. Nothing filled him. The disconnect from God was the missing piece.
Over time, Matt faced major life crises—throat cancer, a marriage that fell apart while he was on the road, custody battles. He talks about his wife leaving him when he was touring and his cancer diagnosis arriving at the same time. He became a professional victim, trying everything to get people to take him back. A friend on the program (a celebrity he doesn’t name) took him in and nursed him through treatment. In hindsight, he realizes his wife probably married a different version of him, and he got care he desperately needed—but he would have preferred to have his way, which would have given him nothing.
The amends work appears throughout his story. At a 20-year high school reunion, Matt ran into Tom, the guy who beat his head into the ground all those years ago—the incident that led directly to his doctor telling him he was dying. Matt took Tom to coffee and told him it hurt, but it was part of why he’s sober. Tom broke down and said he’d been carrying that guilt for 20 years, not knowing how to reach out. They became friends.
Years later, Matt ran into Frank, a guy from high school he’d had a beef with over a girl. They reconnected at a movie set and Frank asked Matt to paint some houses in Lancaster. Matt said yes—on one condition: Frank pay labor but Matt wouldn’t take payment. He had to make an amends. They ended up becoming real friends, talking once a year for three-hour conversations.
Matt’s current sponsor is Howard P., and he credits Howard with reinventing his relationship with a Higher Power. Howard won’t stop talking about God—he starts with the Big Bang, the gases, the heliums, atoms, the way everything connects—and he never gave up on Matt even when Matt wasn’t ready to listen. Howard taught him the definition: “Being conscious of a pervasive presence of a creative intelligence underlying the totality of all things.” That, Matt says, is the answer to his problems. His only problem is not having his way.
The spiritual practice Matt describes is simple and constant: breathe in God, exhale love. Throughout the day, pause and ask God for direction. Upon awakening, ask for God’s guidance. At night, pause and reflect. He talks about driving around for years trying to replace anger (when someone cut him off) with a mantra—”God is good, God is good, God is good”—until one day the committee in his head went quiet. Now he’s comfortable in his own skin 99.9% of the time, imperfections and all.
Matt also addresses the role of his family. His oldest brother Jim went to AA first (sent by the courts) and came home with the 20 questions—at 13, Matt knew he was an alcoholic. His brother John got sober first and became an example; John never told Matt to go to a meeting, but always picked him up when Matt called asking for help. His youngest brother Luke struggled harder—attempted suicide more than once, overdosed, burned his hands on power lines—but eventually got sober and is still in recovery.
Matt’s son, now 30, never saw him drink. He grew up in AA meetings, carried around in a baby carrier at the Brentwood Workshop. He’s not an alcoholic; he drinks normally and doesn’t compulsively chase a high like his father did. Matt’s proud of him and grateful.
In answering a question about early sobriety, Matt talks about what kept him coming back: the laughter. He walked into the Brentwood Workshop early on and heard people laughing about the disease. He couldn’t talk coherently, had hallucinations, couldn’t read without stumbling on every word. But nobody corrected him. They clapped for him when he finished reading. They made him feel okay when nothing in his life was okay. His sponsor told him he was in the R&D business as a newcomer—research and development—meaning whatever job he got, he was in that industry and would move up. It worked. He believed them when they said it would get better.
Notable Quotes
My survival date is November 6th, 1978. I was sober and I haven’t had a drink since that day.
The most important thing I can find in a meeting is where’s my next meeting going to be and can I stay sober between now and my next meeting?
The steps are set up for you to walk through your fears, for you to have your life. Don’t try to live my life or anybody else’s life. Live your life.
My two problems are not getting my way and a disconnect from a Higher Power. If I know those are my two problems all the time, I’m pretty good.
Life’s like the Academy Awards. The judge has already read your case and put the answer in the envelope. In Alcoholics Anonymous, we’re not in the results business. We’re in the action business.
Being conscious of a pervasive presence of a creative intelligence underlying the totality of all things is the answer to all my problems.
Every time I face my fears and go through them, on the other side of them it’s been really wonderful.
Step 3 – Surrender
Step 5 – Admission
Sponsorship
Hitting Bottom
Forgiveness
Spiritual Awakening
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 1 – Powerlessness
- Step 3 – Surrender
- Step 5 – Admission
- Sponsorship
- Hitting Bottom
- Forgiveness
- Spiritual Awakening
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
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Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. We hope to always remain an ad-free podcast, so if you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-onrise.com.
Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. Now, let's welcome our speaker, Matt.
Hi, I'm Matt Kimble and I'm an alcoholic. Uh, I'd like to thank the meeting for uh putting me putting up with me for the last year. Um, I've got a list of changes that I want to go through with you guys right now.
Anyway, let's start with me not being secretary. Um, if you're new, I want to welcome you to Alcoholics Anonymous. This is the Brentwood workshop.
Um, it was the first meeting I came to as a newcomer that I laughed at. And um so I hope that if I don't say anything funny tonight that um you uh um just find another meeting that you can go to and not drink between meetings. You know, they tell me the when I got sober um they told me the most important thing I can find in a meeting is where's my next meeting going to be and can I stay sober between now and my next meeting?
And that's all that matters. And um and I remember when I got sober, I came here. I needed $500 in a lawyer.
And uh I was going to go to jail. Back then when you got arrested for drunk driving, it was a $500 fine. And uh you guys said, "Sounds like you need a meeting." I was like, "No, you don't understand.
I'm going to go to jail." And you guys said, "Well, that's probably exactly where you need to be." And you guys are not my kind of people after all. Um so um wow. Okay.
Um um I just um I'm going through um it's hot up here. My survival date is November 6th, 1978. Um the last time I drank, I kind of had two last drunks.
Um what happened was um the last 6 months the last 6 months of my drinking I had been um I had been arrested for drunk driving. I'd been arrested for drunk in public. I'd been arrested for uh um controlled substances and I was on probation.
I've been on probation from the time I was nine until I was 22 years old. Um, the first time I ever got arrested was at the Whole Foods. It used to be a Westford Hoe up here on on Sammy Senni.
I was 9 years old the first time I got arrested there. And uh, you know, I went to elementary school right over here at Brentwood Elementary. I went to uh, Emerson Junior High School and I went to Uni High.
And uh, um, so the the last time I was uh, drinking, one of the last times I drank, I I had had this I had had this run where uh um I'd been um in a bunch of accidents, car accidents, and um physical problems. Um I uh the last 6 months of my drinking, I had been drinking a quart of vodka every day, two six packs of malt liquor, and um whatever you had to take, I was taking. And um I was had lost the ability to talk to anybody.
I couldn't communicate with anybody anymore. I I just um I had been hit by a car. I was I was working at the Rainbow and the Roxy parking cars.
I was a valet car parker. And the first night I was there, I took some quids and drank a quart of bikardi cuz I found out my girlfriend was sleeping with somebody. So, uh the manager of the parking lot came in.
He goes, "Man, you can't drive like that." So, he gave me a grandma Coke. He goes, "Go do this Coke and we'll talk." So, I said, "Okay." And um I you know I did this stuff and um we stayed up all night long talking and I told him my my girlfriend was sleeping with somebody else and I was really upset about it and he felt bad for me. So he made me the manager of the parking lot.
And then two weeks later I found out this is one of the guys sleeping with my girlfriend. It's like a but it was in the day of qua luds and she was a giver all my friends liked her. Um so um when I was working at the rainbow the rocky I got hit by a car and this whole side my head came in.
I had multiple brain contusions. I had partial amnesia. I lost my sense of smell.
I still can't smell at that time. By that time I'd been splitting my wrist. I've been trying to commit suicide.
Um, by that time I think I'd been arrested 12 times and uh and um I was looking at going to jail. Um I since I'd been seeing psychiatrists um and a couple weeks after I got hit by a car, another friend of mine died in a car accident. And at his funeral, um I went to my friend Tom's house and I uh stole a bottle of vodka from his mother's uh um bar.
And he that night Tom got so upset with me for stealing his mom's vodka that he pinned me down to the ground and he beat my head on the ground until my eardrums burst. And the next day I walked into my doctor's office with blood coming out of my ears. And uh and my doctor said, "What happened to you this time, Matt?" And I said, "Just a friendly fight, doc.
It's no big deal." And he goes, "You know, Matt, your friends are trying to kill you. You're going to die. You're dying.
You're going to die. I can't I can't treat you anymore. You're going to die." So, um, 3 weeks after that, on June 3rd, 1978, I took, uh, three hits of Purple Micro Dot and, uh, drank a case of Swiss about liquor on the way to Santa Barbara to go see the Grateful Dead play.
And, uh, on June 3rd, 1978. And, uh, I stayed up all night long. I drank a C of Jack Daniels, a court of tequila, and a court of Southern Comfort.
And then we were staying at the same hotel as the band. And they told me, my friends told me that I was partying with Jerry and Bob, but it might have been a tree. I'm not really sure.
And uh the next day I walked into the concert and I got arrested for drunk in public and I called my mom and my mom came to pick me up and she said, "You know, Matt, you got three choices." She says, "I'll give you a one-way ticket to Germany or Hawaii. Um or you can stay with me for 30 days and go to Alcoholics Anonymous or I'll drop you off at the midnight midnight mission. You can go go live with Clancy." And uh so I stayed sober and uh I got a sponsor.
I got in the Pacific Group at that time and uh my sponsor said, "You know what we do here is we don't take anything that affects us from the neck up. We don't snore anything funny. We don't do we don't do recreational heroin.
We don't drink. We don't we don't smoke anything. We don't do poppers.
And we don't do sniff blue. Nothing that affects us from the neck up." And um and we don't do speed. And I thought, you know, when I was 6 years old, I was fat.
And uh and when I went to Emerson Junior High School, I became a speed freak and I became really skinny. And I thought when he told me we don't do anything, I thought if I ever get fat again, I'm doing speed. And um so I just gave myself an out.
I wasn't 100% done. You know, I'm not done yet. So on uh November 5th, 1978, I had a Fender Bender car accident and I went out drink a couple six-acks of beer.
I drank a six-pack of Carlsburg elephant malt and a six-pack of uh of Schliss Malt liquor. And then I wanted to get a bottle of vodka. And uh my friend said he said, "You know, Matt, my friend Doug who lives in Maui who's got 3 years today.
He said, "Matt, you know," he says, "You got to go back to AA tomorrow. You can't hang you can't hang out with me anymore. You're going to die.
You got to go back to your mom's and go to AA." And uh so I went back to AA the next day and I haven't had a drink since that day. And um I I I'm kind of just thinking about I went to the what's left of the Grateful Dead last night and uh and um and I was with it was really it was fun cuz it was like a lot I saw like 20 of my high school friends and some of them were on psychedelics and uh some of them were just not and some couple were sober but for the most part I'd say you know 80% of my friends were really high And uh and I just, you know, I called John on the way over here. My brother John's been sober for 41 years.
He just turned 41. So I just I asked my brother John, I said, "Have you ever been to a concert with all the pe people you drank with and not get high? It's the weirdest thing, man." So uh it was it just and I I I brought I I was so happy and overjoyed and overwhelmed with good feelings to see my friends.
And at the same time, I was really uncomfortable. And I know that that uncomfortable feeling is why I drank. You know, I drank to hang out with my friends.
I I got high to be with the people I was with last night. And they're still my best friends. I mean, they're but they're not people I I choose to hang out with all the time, but I have a really good feeling when I see them, but I also get really uncomfortable and I need to go to meetings because I need to be comfortable.
Um, so I'll tell you a little bit about um some stuff. So this since it's a workshop, I think that um I like to think about forgiveness and love and a higher power that's kind of important to me in my sobriety today. And um and it has been for quite a long time.
Um but I have found that for me like um forgiveness has been um and also perception. my perception is is is often wrong, you know, and I what I learned a long time ago on how to deal with my life doesn't always work for me today, but sometimes I still go back to it. And so I need to be reminded constantly that I'm no longer running the show.
And I can't base myself my my sense of well-being on having my way. And if I do, I'm not I'm never going to be happy. Um, some of the things that used to happen to me in sobriety was I would I I would set my I would set goals for myself and I would achieve goals, but I was never happy with any of the goals I achieved.
And so I started thinking about like, well, if I could just perfect how I get the stuff I'm getting, then I'll just always have good stuff happening and then I'll I just it doesn't matter how what I'm trying to get. I'll just do what I'm doing to get what I want. And I just obsessed on that for the longest time.
And I was never happy inside. I never felt any sense of accomplishment if I if I ever achieved anything. And I never felt the sense of satisfaction in my heart.
And I also felt the disconnect from my higher power which I didn't know at the time. And I think today, you know, I think that there are two things that we have really seriously for me is that is the two problems that I have is not getting my way and then just a a dis a disconnect from a higher power and knowing that those are my two problems. If I know those are my two problems all the time, I'm I'm pretty good.
So, um, but you know, when you're busy at a Grateful Dead concert and somebody's smoking pot in front of you and you're telling stop smoking pot, it's hard to figure out that you're just disconnecting from the God at the time when you tell him to put the stuff away. But anyway, but we try to, you know, we try to learn how to do that stuff and and and in practice and we do. So, um, some of the things I learned when I was younger, um, I mean, I have some examples for when I was when I was when I was 15 years old, that guy Tom and I, and if Tom ever hears this tape, hi Tom.
Um, he's not in AA, but um, we we we got these phone calls from these girls. He my friend Tom, we lived in Westwood and these two girls lived in in Balair and they asked us um, they said, "If you guys ring us a bottle of Southern Comfort, they'd have sex with us." And we'd we like we'd he'd been talking about it for a long time. So we got, you know, we we got a taxi, we got, you know, we panhandled the we got a bottle of Southern Comfort and we ended up in Bair and the magic happened.
And the girl that I was with the next day I turns out she had a boyfriend and he was a couple years older than me. He was on a football team and uh and and and from the 9th grade to the 12th grade at every single party I went to, it seemed like this guy Frank was at that party and Frank was, you know, so somebody would say, "Kim, Frank's here." And I go, "I got to go, you know, and I would run cuz I just was not going to I mean, I like I'm a fighter. I love to fight.
I mean, I really did like to fight. I was I like to drink and fight. I was just one of those guys." But there's no fight when you you just Okay, it just hit me.
I'm wrong, you know, and I'm I'm a so I'm I'm a fighter, but I'm also not like a guy that wants to get. So, uh anyway, right after high school, I heard Frank died of cancer, and I was like, "Oh, thank God." You know, and so, and I got sober right after high school, so miracles do happen. Um, and then a couple years, um, I don't have a lot of time to talk.
So, um, in in 1996, I, uh, I graduated high school in 1977. I got sober in 1978. So, I heard Frank died in 1977.
And, uh, in 1996, I was working on a movie first. I was working as a an assistant to it, an actor. And um and in 1996, I'm I'm I drive my actor to this stage and and uh I get out of the car and I open the door for him in the trailer and and this actress walks by and with her, you know, her driver, he looks familiar and he opens the door for her and I look at him and I he looks at me and I go, "Frank?" He looks at me, he goes, "Kimble." And I go, "I heard you die of cancer." He goes, "I heard you died of cancer." And I said, "I swear to God, I didn't know she was your girlfriend." That was the first thing I said.
He goes, "You swear to God." And uh anyway, Frank's a black belt in karate. And oh my god, this I swear to God. I This is true.
Frank just called me on my He really did. Um, so um, so I when I got sober, I really wanted to be a roadie and uh, I was kind of dabbling in doing music stuff when I was a kid. My brother Jim was a a roadie for uh, band and and there was music in my family a lot.
a lot of everybody was doing stuff. And so I I started, you know, we started promoting shows when we were little kids and and um building flash pots and lighting stuff. And I took some classes at Santa Monica College.
I got sober and uh I got, you know, I this time I got Clancy's a sponsor and I went to the Pacific Group and and uh Clancy had uh I got this I wanted to be a sound engineer and learn some sound stuff and then go on tour and be a roadie and you guys said you you better wait till you get a year of sobriety. And then I got a year and you guys you guys said you better wait till you get three years, you know. And uh so um I got this job offer to work at a club and um I called Clancy and told him about this job offer and Clancy and I said, "But I'm not going to take the job because if I take the job, I'll miss the Wednesday night meeting.
I I won't be able to go to the Pacific Group meetings." And he said, "What are you talking about, kid?" He says, "I thought you wanted to be a sound engineer." And I go, "I do." And he goes, "Well," he says, "The steps are set up for you to walk through your fears, for you to have your life." He said, "Don't try to live my life for anybody else's life." He says, "Live your life and take that job." He says, "Try to come to the Wednesday night meeting if you can, but if you can't make it, go to other meetings." So, I took the job and what ended up happening was I started going to the Uncle John meetings during the day. And I met a guy named Bob there. And Bob was became my sponsor for 22 years.
And Bob was a guy that um I saw who had a sense of humor um and and I wanted what he had. Um he referred to me and my brother John and my brother Jim as Larry, Larry, and Daryl. And uh he always invited us to sit in the brain damage section with him and uh and he was just funny.
And then and then his sponsor Fred Ellis died. And when Fred died, Bob did the eulogy. And this is before I asked him my sponsor, but this was when I when he did the eulogy and he was crying and telling jokes at the same time.
I thought, I want what he has, you know? I want to be able to do that. And uh so Bob was my sponsor for 22 years and and uh you know and he taught me how to how to walk with dignity and how to have a sense of humor at 10 years of sobriety.
Um I uh I got I had a son and I went in to get custody of my son and uh at this time I still you know I I believed that group conscious was my higher power but I I didn't come to Alcoholics Anonymous with a God and I didn't know how to use God all the time. I knew how to use the group all the time. I knew that if I went to a meeting, I would feel good.
I stayed sober by meetings. I did the steps to the best of my ability up to that point in time. But I had to reestablish a connection with a higher power that wasn't working for me when I was downtown at the courthouse, you know.
And so I was really uncomfortable at the LA Superior Court. And I looked at Bob and Bob looked at me and he said, you know, Matt, he goes, he goes, "What's wrong?" And I said, you know, Bob, I've been arrested 13 times. I've been guilty 13 times.
I go, I've testified for friends of mine and after I testified, they were guilty. I go, this system sucks. It doesn't work for me, and I don't like this.
I don't want to be here. And Bob said to me, you know, he was just kind and patient. He said, you know, Matt, life's like the Academy Awards.
He goes, "The judge has already read your case and she's already put the answer in the envelope." And in Alcoholics Anonymous, we're not in the results business. We're in the action business. And he says, "So, what your job is is to go in and calmly state your case to the judge and then be quiet." Because Bob knew me well enough to know that I'm the kind of guy that once you give me what I want, I could tell you why you should have given it to me in the first place and and work my way right out of a good deal.
So, he said, "Just shut up." You know, that's basically what he said. And then he said, you know, if you're worried about the other shoe dropping, he says, "What if the guy upstairs only has one leg?" So, he got me to laugh, you know, and then which he always did. And then he said, uh, last thing, Matt, he says, before you walk in the courthouse, he says, I want you to open the door, taking a deep breath, and let God walk in first and calmly state your case to the judge.
And I did. And I ended up getting custody of my son, you know, and uh and I still do that. I still calmly I I when I get uncomfortable, I I'll take a break.
I'll open the door. I let God walk in first. Wherever I go, I try to let God walk in first.
And uh I try to be conscious of a presence a creative intelligence underlying the totality of all things with goodness for all of us. And um my sponsor today is a guy named uh Howard P. So uh um I love talking to Howard about higher powers.
Um, so anyway, um, so you know, shortly after I I I I did the roadie thing and then I I I ended up getting cancer after I had my son. I had throat cancer and, uh, I got married afterwards and things happened with my cancer and I got through that in sobriety. I got through that with you guys.
You know, I had this um, I was married. This is so so often in my life, I want what I want when I wanted. Like I wanted what I wanted.
I wanted I was married and my wife found out that I was I guess I was on tour and when I was on tour she met somebody else and she left me when I came home and I was diagnosed with cancer at the same time and I had like this I'm a I'm a professional victim you know so I had like this well I've got cancer and my son's mom's now taking me back to court and I'm losing the house and I lost the car and won't you take me back now you know I'm like I was trying everything and nothing would work you know so uh so I had a friend who um on the program who who helped me and I moved in with her and she was she's a celebrity, you know, and and she took care of me, you know, and she introduced herself to all the doctors as either my wife or my sister and I got a lot of really wonderful help, you know, and and because of what she did, but but I would still would rather have had my way, which wouldn't have gotten me anything. I would have just been uncomfortable with this woman that didn't want to be with me, and I wouldn't have had the care that I had. And I you know um anyway so but you know when I was going through all this stuff I didn't know why it was happening to me and but Howard told me there's a golden thread and everything that happens and in hindsight we can see where the existence of God is and after the fact of this whole thing I could see that you know I had a a big tumor that was wrapped here on my juggler vein and I had tonsil cancer from smoking and I quit smoking 10 years before I got the cancer.
So if you smoke don't quit. And uh just a little disclaimer. Um so they took out all the the my tonsils, they took out all the lymph nodes out of this side of my neck.
I had a radical neck dissection and they got rid of the tumor. And in hindsight after, you know, I can see clearer now that that the tumor probably created a lack of oxygen in my brain and that's why I married that in the first place. But the truth is is she married a guy that wasn't going to go on the road.
She got what she got was something that she didn't want to have. And if I wanted to keep that relationship, I could I'm sure I could have made it work out. Um anyway, maybe if I got tuberculosis or something.
Anyway, so um so um the guy Tom that beat my head in the ground at my 20-year high school reunion, I hadn't talked to him in 20 years. And Tom was there last night at the grip for that concert, too. And um and uh anyway, so he he he uh I hadn't talked to him since he beat my head in the ground.
And I at the reunion, I asked him if I could take him to coffee and he said, "Sure." So, we went to coffee the next day. And uh I told him that uh I said, "You know, when you beat my, you know, that really hurt." And uh and I said, "But you know, I'm sober today." And that's one of the reasons why I'm sober. My life wasn't working at all.
Anything I did, everything I did was wrong. I mean, every no matter where I went, there I was. And things weren't happening.
The truth is, I stole a bottle of vodka from his mom's liquor cabinet, and that's what I did. So I kick the toe, you know, I step on the toes of my fellows and they retaliate and he retaliated way over the top. but I forgive him and I forgave him and he started crying and he's told me that he'd been a victim of that for the last 20 years and he didn't know how to how to call me to tell me that and we became really good friends afterward the fact and you know and so and then the thing with Frank that happened a couple years 20 f well I I stopped rodeing because I just I can't do it it's not fun for me anymore road managing or whatever and uh and I started a painting painting business, you know, and I I I'm an interior exterior house painter.
And so that guy Frank that I saw at that movie shoot. Got in touch with my friend Doug, they both have property in Maui and they saw each other in Maui. And my friend Frank had this property in Lancaster.
He's got houses he wanted to have painted. And he was talking to my friend Doug about it. He says, Doug says, "Call Kimell.
He's a painter. So he called me up and he asked me if I'd be interested in going to Lancaster to paint his houses for him." And I said, 'You know, I go, "Yeah." I go, "I would." I go, "Only if I could do it for the cost of materials and you pay the labor and I don't want to make any money." He goes, "No, no, no. I I'll pay you money." I go, "No, no.
I got to make an amendity for what I did." I go, "I lived with that for a long time. You got to let me do this." And so he said, "Okay." And uh we I painted three houses for him in Lancaster. And today, like this, he just caught like I I talked to Frank once a year, and we have these three-hour conversations.
This guy has turned out to be one of my best friends and he's not an AA. And so much of my life has been based on my fear of not wanting to confront or or address the things that I've done to other people that have kept me away from the light of the spirit. And it's been my experience that every time I face my fears and go through them on the other side of them, it's been really it's been it's been a wonderful life.
And so um what I want to leave everybody with is the thought of forgiving people and forgiving yourself and how important it is for me as this alcoholic to try to set a different course so that I don't like have the anger and you know I have a impulse control problems and the the the more I work on being connected to a higher power and the more I think about forgiveness the more I think about how we're all just people and we're all and if I just can see God in all of us I don't really have those impulse control problems as much, but they still come up. And I I uh I you know I my brother my I was talking to my other my other brother Luke and Luke was saying that you know um on Memorial Day he says you know my dad was a major a major alcoholic but he my dad was a major in the Air Force and and he was um he died of cerosis of the liver and uh he died when I was three and a half and um you know one of the things he left us with is was the vision of him trying to kill my mom when he's you uh choked her on Christmas and and uh and you know and beat her head in the ground and and uh you know I grew up with a lot of violence and uh I saw a lot of stuff when I was a kid and uh and it kind of helps me to know that because of what was imprinted on me before. If I could change how I see that, I could have a different action uh different I could have a different outcome on how I how I process it because how I've always processed it was when I used to hear my the word dad, I would I would get really angry and what I would do is react out of rage and I I worked on rage for a long time and that hasn't worked for me for a long time.
And the truth is I haven't seen my dad. He died when I was three and a half years old. And um you know I haven't lived with that kind of violence in my household in 55 52 50 I don't know lot long time 50 53 years something like that.
So, um, but sometimes I still act as if it's happening. And, uh, so I've got to try to work on forgiveness so that I can have a different outcome cuz I don't want to be that. I don't want to, you know, I don't want to I don't want to respond to life that way.
I want to be happy, joyous, and free. And I do that by going to meetings. So, um, I love you guys.
Alcoholics. So, when I when I wake up in the morning, I breathe in God. I breathe in God and I exhale love and I breathe in the power of God's within me.
I breathe out the grace of God surrounds me and I I read the third step prayer, the sevenst step prayer and then I do a mantra. I go money money. Thank you very much.
Okay. Well, now we'll open up for questions. Anybody have any questions?
Oh, there's one. Hey, can you talk about u you grew up in a sober family all your brothers were sober and I think you're all sober. Your mother was sober.
Um tell me the pros and cons of that that whole situation. What you know how did that manifest itself throughout the years? John asked me if I grew up with a in a sober family and how that benefited me.
Well, my mom wasn't sober. My mom's a dry drunk and she never after my dad died she just stopped drinking and she was an untreated alanon. So I grew up in that kind of a household.
Um and um my oldest brother when I was I think my oldest brother Jim who passed away about 8 years ago he died sober. He had 22 years of sobriety. He was the first one to go to Alcoholics Anonymous when I was 13.
And uh he uh came home, he was sent to AA by the courts and he came home with the 20 questions and we were all drinking and getting high and he we we read the 20 questions and so at 13 I knew I was an alcoholic. My brother John read most of them and he knew that he better not answer yes to anymore. So so we kind of like the the seed was kind of planted.
Um John was my Eskimo when I was 16 years old. The first the very first AA meeting I went to, I had really long hair. We talk about this a lot.
I had really long hair. I was wearing no shirt, no shoes. I was wearing Levis's.
I think my brother John had a patch pants on. He was wearing 6-in patent leather platform shoes and he had a big rose feather for an earring and a big white streak in his hair, you know, and his girlfriend Kath has really wellendowed and she was wearing overalls, you know, and no shirt, you know, just overalls. It was really hot.
It was a Sunday afternoon. and we walked into the Pacific R on a Sunday night, you know, and I'm 16 years old. There's no teen.
There's no kids. It's there really were no 16-year-olds. I June was here probably, but I I don't know.
I don't know. When I was in 1975, I guess she was here. Yeah.
So, but there weren't I think that was it. Um and Harry was the other one, but Harry's no longer. Anyway, so and we we met this guy Dave, and Dave 12stepped us and John stayed.
And so um what happened the benefit of John being sober first was I saw John's life just gradually get better. He had that he went from wearing having that long hair and and the platform shoes and to he got a he used to wear those three pet suits and he's always wearing a tie and he's always he'd always get up here and fix his tie like Rodney Dangerfield. He was always crack he just he was always having fun.
There was no more drama in his life. He wasn't going to jail anymore. He wasn't getting into trouble anymore.
And he just became an example. He never told me to go to an alcoholic synonymous meeting. But every time I got arrested, he he'd pick me up and he I' I'd call him and ask him for help and he would pick me up, but never told me to go to an AA meeting.
And I would just kind of go with him. So he 12step me. And uh and then my little brother um I don't know if you guys ever tried to commit suicide, but I I tried to commit suicide with a track two razor.
I don't know if you've ever done that, but it's really hard. But my little brother used a steak knife and he cut his arms like eight times on both sides. And then uh he didn't tell me about it.
And then um cuz he was afraid that I would be upset with him. And then he he got sober after that for a little while. Then he went back out again and he drank.
The next time he drank, he uh he overdosed on heroin. And uh he died and they brought him back to life. And then he didn't want to tell me about that cuz he thought I was I'd be upset with him.
So the next thing that happened was he lived on in an apartment building on Bington and he got high again. He drank. His sponsor was a guy named Vernon.
And Vernon called me. He said, "You know, your brother just he tried to commit suicide. He Luke went up on the on the power lines of his building and grabbed onto him and he burned his hands down.
He lost his fingers and he electrocuted himself and uh and he Luke's a drummer. He's a really good drummer and uh he still wasn't ready, you know. So, um, but we just loved him until, uh, that's not really the truth.
What happened was Vernon asked me if I meet him at the meeting. I I met him at the Pico Lana Club and and and Luke was like Luke looked at me and he goes, "You know, I just want to die." And so, I did what most of you guys would do. I I hit him.
Just punched him. I go I ground him. I go, "Let's go get a rope.
I'll hang you right now." And uh, anyway, he's been sober ever since. Um, no, it's not true. Um but um and then my brother Jim got sober and uh it's been a really wonderful thing to have us all here.
Thanks, John. Thanks for the question. Keith, thank you Matt.
Thank you for your service. What was you mentioned some of your amends, but what was the most profound one that you achieved in your life? Um, oh, the question was what was the most profound amends that I made in why?
I think the first one was to my mom. Um, you know, it's it the harm that was done to her was that I felt I did to her was just so insane, you know. I mean, just the insanity of a I was completely out of control, you know.
I was and she was always there for me. And uh you know, it's it's but you know, it's kind of it was embarrassing, too, you know. Um one of one of my girlfriend I mean there was a lot of drinking.
There was a lot of drinking in my house and I and I had no I had no switch to I wouldn't listen to her at all. And uh anyway, I got that to my mother. You know, it's hard to make an event sometimes of some of the stuff that you know, incomprehensible demoralization that came out of that, but it was freeing and and that that would be it to my mom.
Thanks. When you fall into a dark space, what is your sort of first call that you make? When I fall into a dark space, what's the first call I make?
I call my sponsor. I talk to my Howard and uh or I I call somebody on the program. Um you know um you know for me um in a dark space would be for me sometimes I think about like things that have happened in in a morbid reflective kind of a way and I I could really work my way into a depressive depressed state.
Um, so I've got like um I've got um I had some things happen with my brain and and uh and I had this cancer and then I have I have some cysts in my brain and uh and I have um every now and then I get these cluster headaches and I uh and I'm supposed to get MRIs every 6 months and uh and I started getting these MRIs every 6 months and cuz they want to keep an eye on these these cysts and uh I was having I have like white outs where everything goes. And uh last year I had a thing called uh um um I think it's GTA. It's a what's it um I had transient oh global transient amnesia where I I I was at my house and I I didn't know where I was.
I didn't know how I got there. Somehow or another, my brother came and found me and he brought me to the hospital and uh for eight hours I I didn't know what was happening. And uh it's funny cuz to think that I used to do that for fun, you know, but so when I thought like anybody here would think, you know, like when I found out that I had cysts in my brain and then you see the scarring in my I've got these scars in my brain like I've got the MRIs that just show all this like trauma from all the head injuries and and uh I knew there was something wrong.
I knew there was something wrong with me other than alcoholism. I knew it. I knew it.
Like we all know it. I know. You know, it's a hangail, you know, whatever it is.
And I'm convinced that there's something else wrong with me. And the more I thought about it, I just I could barely even move after a while. So, I did what anybody else would do.
I don't know about anybody else, but what I did was I just kind of got slowly but surely started walking through that and knowing that I'm not a I'm not a doctor. I don't want to be a doctor. I don't want to, you know, I I got to a place where I don't do the MRIs anymore because I don't, you know, it's going to be what it's going to be and I don't really, you know, it's I I I'd want to do them every six months, but it created such a darkness that I don't, you know, it doesn't really matter, you know, it doesn't really it doesn't I don't I don't want to be different than anybody.
I don't want That's the thing, too, is I don't want to be different than anybody anymore. I just want to be amongst everybody here. Like, being secretary of this meeting was the greatest um commitment that I've ever had in my sobriety.
I mean, if I had had this 20 years ago, I might have, you know, I just wanted to be a servant. Like, I just wanted to whatever it whatever is best for the group. I don't, you know, I just want to be of service.
I I don't want to my way. Whatever. I don't There is no My way is your way.
Unless we're alone, then it's my way. But, you know what I mean? It's just like I just want to be amongst us and how important we all are and how important the newcomer is and how important that we're here tonight sober like and that we get to have sober breasts and that you know that for 38 years I haven't had a drink or a drug and you know I'm grateful for that and so I I so when I go to how how I stay out of a dark place now what I do now is cuz I used to so if I can I could play the tape of how my life's going to fall apart.
But I can also play the tape that everything's great. I could look at my life and I can wake up in the morning and say, "I love my life. I my life's great.
I love my life." And I can and I could do a mantra in my head where everything's okay. And I'll do God is good. God is good.
God is good. God is good. You know, breathe in God, exhale love.
I used to think I was crazy because I I used to drive around the streets and I'd be like I'd be, you know, I was trying to replace, you know, anger of people cutting me off with good thoughts. And so when somebody would cut me off, I would hold on to that anger for six hours sometimes, you know. So I'd be driving around thinking to myself, chanting in my head, God is good.
God is good. God is good. And I used to think I'm crazy.
But you know, I don't know what happened, but somewhere after doing that for a certain amount of 8 years or so, I had a shift in consciousness where I don't feel that way anymore. And the the the committee in my head is good. It's quiet.
It's really quiet. It's it's quiet, which is amazing. I'm comfortable in my own skin like 99.9% of the time with all my imperfections.
And I've got a lot of them, you know, and uh but you guys tell me it's okay to have him here. So, I'm going to keep coming back so I can keep talking about them. So, anyway, thanks.
How does my relationship with my son evolved in does he have the disease? My son's 30 years old. Um he's never seen me drink.
Um and he it's it's um he grew up in the AA, you know, he grew I carried him around in the carrier. He grew up here. He went to all the meetings with me.
Um he never he's not he drinks. He's not. His mom and I had talked and his mom asked.
We were at a party a couple years ago and his mom looked at him and looked at me and she said, "Tell your dad what you did." And I looked at him. I go, "What'd you do?" And he goes, "I got really drunk the other night." I go, "What happened?" He goes, "Well, I was driving home and I was too drunk to drive, so I pulled over and went to sleep." I go, I looked at I was like, "Oh my god, that's a good thing. You're not like one of us.
You know, we keep driving until we hit stuff till we got to get home. we got places to go. So, she got mad at me.
Anyway, we have a great relationship. He's works all He's got a great job. I'm, you know, he's he's he's really he's the head of the IT department at one of those um video game places and and uh that develops, you know, video games.
And he's just I'm really happy for him. He's he's he's such a he's such a gift. Thanks.
Thanks for asking. You've got a lot of time. Oh, yeah.
So, the question was, I've been sober for a long time. Can I talk about the things in my first year, my first milestones that made me feel like this might work? Um, so my first year of sobriety was I don't want to scare anybody off, but and if you may may or may not be like me, but it doesn't matter.
Just um I I I couldn't really talk when I got here. I had audible and visual hallucinations. Um I couldn't read.
I couldn't coherently put anything together. If I was in a book study, I would read the paragraph that I was supposed to read until I got to my part to read it and then I would read it and I would stumble on every single word and I wouldn't be able to comprehend what I was reading and wouldn't retain any information. And you guys never corrected me and uh you guys allowed me to do that and you would clap for me after I was done reading and I was I was comfortable with that.
Um I think um you know my when I got my life was so bad when I got here um I really held on to the hope that one day things would change and my life would get better but I didn't think it would. When I I when I got here, I wanted if I could get a a minimum wage job. If I could just get a minimum wage job and maybe rent a room from somebody and uh I could ride my bicycle or get a moped.
Like I had like like I had my sponsor at the time goes he goes, "You're going to be just fine." And he goes, "You know," and he told me something too. It was really important. He says, you know, he says, just get a if whatever job you're getting in, he says, let me tell you a little secret.
He says, as a newcomer, you're in the R&D business. And I go, he goes, you know what that is? I go, no.
He says, research and development. He says, so if you get a job at a gas station, people in AA ask you what you do for a living. You're in the oil business.
He says, you get a g, you know, you get a ticket job at the movie theater taking tickets, you're in the movie business. It's going to move. You're going to move up.
Don't worry about it. And uh and it was just like I think coming to this meeting and hearing Norm Alpie speak was the first time I laughed and I the laughter of like of that there was people in here laughing over this disease and that people felt like I felt and you guys knew how I felt and you guys allowed me to be okay. You guys made me feel okay with all really with everything that was going on and you guys kept telling me it was going to be okay.
I believe I believed you. I believe docu anonymous. So anyway, if you're new tonight, if you got stuff going on, it's gonna get better.
I promise you it will change. I promise you it will get better. I promise.
I I promise. So anyway, any Thank you so much. Could you talk about how your relationship with your sponsor Howard P has really enhanced your life?
Uh so Jerry wants to know how Howard P has enhanced my life. Um he's embarrassing sometimes. So, uh, well, Howard, um, Howard has really enhanced my my connection with the higher power and also working the steps in ways in all areas of my life all the time.
Howard and I work the steps. Howard, when I talked to Howard, we only talk about steps. That's all we ever do.
It's always about the steps. But Howard, when I first met Howard, he was talking about God a lot. So, I was when I wasn't ready to hear about God, I would just kind of not listen.
But he would just keep going on anyway. And then when I was ready to hear about God with Howard, he would, you know, Howard doesn't stop talking about God until um until you fall asleep, you know, and he talks with the he starts with the big bang theory, right? It's it's 14 and a half billion years ago.
And uh and he talks about the gases and the heliums and the atoms and you know, and everything that connects together. And if you guys like taking acid, you got to talk to Howard about God. So it's just so similar because it just keeps going on and on and on and you think, "When's it gonna end?
I got to get off this stuff." But um um but he um he never stopped with and he knew I wasn't getting it. Howard knows that I didn't get it and he never stopped. He never gave up on me.
He never stops telling you know when I do my four step with him and then and then and then I do it the way I want to and then he says, "Well, this is how we're going to do it now. This is how I'm doing it. I'm going to actually I'm actually I'm going to start mine right now and this is how I'm going to do it." I go, "Okay, I'll do it your way." So, you know, and then um but you know, I used to when I was on the I I was working for a band and Howard was living in Phoenix and uh they were playing at the Arizona State uh that the the big the football field and this there was a it was a soldout concert and Howard, you know, insisted on talking to me about God at the break right in front of the band like and so we're backstage and I'm in a chair like we're sitting face to face with each And God, you know, Howard never, you know, God's everywhere.
And I actually did that with Howard and I never felt, it was, it really wasn't that embarrassing after all. It just I just, you know, Howard's made me feel a connection to a high. It has actually introduced me, re reinvented my higher power.
So I can see that, you know, we talk about upon awakening, you know, upon awakening, we ask God's direction. Throughout the day, we pause and ask for God's next direct right thing to do. uh you know when we retire at night we pause throughout the day I mean all the time we're supposed to be looking and talking to God and other than that there's very little part with God that we have during the day but even knowing that we're supposed to do that all the time I don't you know unless I'm talking about it I'm I'm forgetting about it and unless I'm present constantly talking about it and one one of the great gifts Howard gave me is is that um when I worked the steps with him just recently um I had like the profound experience again doing my fourth and fifth step with Howard and I just had this incredible experience and a spiritual connection.
We we watched this Chuck C thing and we we did the you know we do first step and but then we do the second step and then we go back and do the first step again and do the second step and then the third step and then the first second third and then you do the fourth and then the fourth you do the the fifth you do the you know all it's all cumulative and I just had this incredible out of you know just I felt this connection to a higher power that I just that and Howard said you know it's your your responsibility to give it to other people that we have to give it to other people and that we need to do that as much as we can. And um I don't know that I do it as much as he does. I want to be more like Howard and give it back more than as much as he does.
And but but I have not yet done that. But anyway, but thanks for the question. One more one more question.
Um hi. Thanks. Um what was the you said it really quickly intelligence and then the um Isn't it Howard's definition?
Well, it's kind of like in the big book, but it's also Howard. Being conscious of a pervasive presence of a creative intelligence underlying the totality of all things is the answer to all my problems. My only problem ever is not having my way, you know.
So, that's kind of sort of how that works. Um, anyway, thanks for thanks for having me. Thanks.
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