Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. If you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-rise.com.

Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Hi everybody.

My name's Mickey Bush and I'm a fully conceited alcoholic. >> I am very glad to be here. I'm having a gratitude attack right now.

Anybody know what I mean by gratitude attack? >> Know what I mean? Wow, this is great.

There's always one. Okay, I uh I want to thank my good friend Ralph for driving me here. We just drove across Germany and stopped several times and visited.

And Ralph will be talking with you a little while. I want to thank you guys for coming here. I just love it.

I just absolutely love being a small part of this great hole. I love that. I love being a small part of a great hole.

I love that. I know some of you have said even here today that I save your life. Well, we know who saves the lives around here, but if you want to give me the credit, I'll take it.

I just had a couple of well-known actresses in uh in Los Angeles tell me that uh I was a celebrity in in Alcoholics Anonymous. I was a celebrity speaker. I was a guru.

I went, "What are you talking about?" Now, these are Academy Award-winning actresses that you all know by name. Members of my old home group I was visiting. Said, "What are you talking about?" He said like you're like this celebrity guy that talks everywhere and everybody knows you and you're like this guru type guy and she said I was just making a movie in New York.

She said and I went to two meetings in New York and in both the meetings they mentioned you and they quoted you and mentioned you by name and you're like this celebrity. I said yeah bloody big deal. A celebrity in an anonymous program.

I said, "No, you're a celebrity. I'm just a clean and sober member. You're a small part of a great hole." And I love that.

I love that. And that's what we are. We're a small part of a great hole.

And I love that. So, thank you for being here. And and thank you for allowing me to come here.

I'm going to I'm going to do some things today. I'm going to talk about the first three steps and what I call the step before the steps. We have a a whole thing about the steps before the steps, which is why I identified as a fully conceited alcoholic because in the beautiful book Alcoholics Anonymous, this beautiful book that I love so much on page 30, uh it says, "We learned we had to fully concede to my innermost self that I was alcoholic.

This is the first step in recovery." So that meant there was two first steps in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. The first step in recovery and the first of the 12 steps. And they're totally different steps, though they're often confused.

And a lot of people, well-meaning people, I'm sure they they say that an alcoholic has done the first of the 12 steps by admitting they're alcoholic. And of course, in the first of the 12 steps, there's no mention of admitting they're alcoholic. It's admitting we're powerless over alcohol, that our lives have become unmanageable.

A totally different step to the learning about the first step in recovery, which is we learned we had to fully concede to our innermost self that we were alcoholic. This is the first step in recovery. And that's on page 30 because a little bit earlier on page 20 it says if you are an alcoholic who wants to get over it you may already be asking what do I have to do?

So, I've got to come from the space of being an alcoholic to want to get over it to ask, "What do I have to do?" And if a newcomer or somebody who's confused asks a guy like me, "What do I have to do?" I will tell them, "You'll have to do the f the 12 spiritual steps of Alcoholics Anonymous starting with step one." So, I got to come from the space of being an alcoholic to then become willing to do the program starting with step one. So step one is not about admitting I'm alcoholic. People are often confused about that.

And consequently, they think they've done the first of the 12 steps by admitting they're alcoholic. Even well-meaning old-timers say, "I was at a meeting not too long ago where a guy with 23 years said that a newcomer does the first of the 12 steps soon as he walks through the door, raises his hand as an alcoholic. He's done the first step." I said, "Where are you getting this from?

He said, "I'm 23 years sober. There's my experience strength and know." I said, "Show it up your tush." You know, I mean, I said, "You're a you're a spy in the camp." You are. You're a spy.

The diseases let you walk around here staying sober so that you can do its job for it, spreading that crap amongst us. You know, people say all kinds of weird in Alcoholics and Elements. I call it lip flapping party line is what I call it.

But I mean, they they say it and they believe it and they repeat it and it gets it gets picked up. It gets picked up as if it's the program and it ain't the program. You know, look, it says we learn we had to fully concede to our innermost self that we're alcoholic.

This is the first step in recovery. And nobody talks about that. Why?

Because they're all too busy talking about admittance, acceptance, and surrender. Admittance, acceptance, and surrender ain't even in the program. Ain't even mentioned in the program.

Admitted in step one, but admittance, acceptance, and surrender ain't even mentioned. But people are talking about it as if it's the deal. And it ain't the deal.

The deal is fully concede to your innermost self that you are. And people ain't talking about that. So consequently, they get confused and they don't get it right.

So down the road, a piece, the foundation isn't rock solid. So it comes crashing down. The sobriety comes crashing down.

What happens to anything that isn't built on a solid foundation? >> Can you hear me? Am I there?

What happens to anything that isn't built on a solid foundation? comes crashing down. Well, the first three steps are going to be the foundation that we're going to build our sobriety on.

Starting with the first of the the the 12 steps and starting with what I call the step before the steps. And I started doing this folks because I I I I I read about Bill Wilson and and in his later days he stopped doing um 12step calls as we understood 12step calls because he he started he started being concerned more with the folks who got here but didn't stay that got drunk and got loaded again and and and he started concentrating more on those and I started doing that as well. And when I started doing that, I started asking a few questions and people didn't know simple basic stuff as they thought, believed, and said they did.

And that's very dangerous. You know, it's one thing if you don't know it, but if you don't know it, but think you do, that's very dangerous. See, so I started doing some of this work, and some of this is what I'm going to talk about today.

I love cold water. I keep wanting to bless it and turn it into wine, but you know, there was a dude who did that, you know. Must have been alcoholic.

Must have been all those folks. I mean, that dude had Mary Magdalene. She was like one of those like lovely ladies.

Adam and Eve. Adam and Eve were alcoholic. Did you know that?

Adam and Eve were alcoholic. They must have been alcoholic Adam and Eve cuz only alcoholics screw up paradise. You don't I you know.

So anyway, so I like I I like to do some of this stuff. And um we learned we had to fully concede to my innermost self. I'm alcoholic.

This is the first step in recovery. When I got to Alcoholics Anonymous on January the 15th, 1983, I never came in here with the only requirement for membership. I didn't come in here with the desire to quit.

I knew never knew nothing about it. I was so sick when I got here that I didn't know I was sick. And that's really sick.

When you're so sick you don't know you're sick, that's really sick. And when you're as sick as me and you come in a room like this and you think, "Well, I ain't as sick as him." No. He's sick, you know.

That's really sick. And and and and and when you're so sick that you don't think you're as sick as someone else, that's really sick. So, if you're if you're in here today wondering whether you is or whether you isn't a real alcoholic or not, I want you to know that I can relate to being as sick as you don't think you are.

You know, really sick. But I do today. I know today.

Sick. S I C K. spiritually ill can kill.

And that's what I was. I was spiritually defunct in every department, separated from God, bankrupt from God, defeated by the disease of alcoholism. You see, and now I later found out that that's what the spiritual awakening was.

The spiritual awakening was defeating the disease of alcoholism. So that's a that's a a talk for another time. But I didn't know that I was alcoholic and I didn't know what being an alcoholic was and I didn't know about Alcoholics Anonymous.

I didn't know about, you know, 12 steps. And I'll talk about that when I talk um later tonight or whenever it is. Uh, you know, cigarettes.

You tried cigarettes. Anyway, so on January the 15th, 1983, I get to Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't know nothing about nothing.

I later discover that I've hit bottom on January the 15th. And that was what was different about January 15th than any other time that I'd come out of being a blackout. You know, I'm a blackout drinker.

I didn't even know what a blackout was. Do you guys know what a blackout is? How many blackout drinkers here and the rest of you lying mothers?

I know. Yeah, I know blackout drinkers when I see them. Yeah.

Anyway, I don't know nothing about nothing. I don't know nothing about alcoholism. I don't know nothing about being alcoholic, you know.

And everything I've learned is all in retrospect. Everything I've learned is all since I got here on January the 15th, 1983. So, if you're new or returning and and what we're talking about is strange or or or you don't understand, stick around.

Stick around and keep coming back. Um, don't become a keep coming backer. I mean, be be a sticker and a stayer.

Be a sticker and a stayer. I tell folks to become a sticker and a stayer, not a keep coming backer. Mind you, if you relapse or go back out, we do want you to come back, of course.

But become a sticker and a stayer, not a keep coming backer. Cuz when you become a keep coming backer, you know, you fall into a trap, you know, and it's a disease the trap sets you into, you know, sober, screwed up, comeback, sober, screwed up, comeback. And it's a disease of repetition.

And then when you get back, you not only got to learn what to do to stay clean and sober, but you got to learn what to do to break the grips of the pattern that the disease has got you in. It's very difficult. See?

So, if you're here today, become a sticker and a stayer. Is there people here like me that relapsed and went back out? Yeah.

Good. Well, I'm glad you're all here. I'm really glad.

Is there any um social drinkers here today? It's a disease of denial, you know. No social drinkers.

No, no social drinkers. >> I tell you why I think I'm a social drinker. I think I'm a social drinker because every time somebody said I'm going for a drink, I said, "So shall I?" How many social drinkers here now?

Oh, denial. Denial. D E N I A L.

Don't even notice I am lying. See, I don't notice when I'm lying and I don't notice when I'm being lied, too. D E N I A L.

Don't even notice I am lying or don't even notice it's a lie. I don't notice when people are telling me lies and when the disease is lying to me. This is the only disease, by the way, that tells you you haven't got it.

That's weird, isn't it? This is the only disease that tells you you ain't even got a disease, you know, and and yet it's the only disease that if you recover from it, like our book says, Anybody read this book, by the way, who reads the big book, Alcoholics and Arms. Good, good, good.

Few hands here, not up. But you know, this disease is not only the only disease that tells you you ain't got it, but it's the only disease that when you recover from it, you become better than you were before you had it. That's good ain't it?

You know, no other disease is like that. This is the only disease. And this disease tells you you ain't got it.

Anybody remember the voices that talk to you? Who remembers voices that talk to you? You know them voices that talk to you?

You know them voices that just said what voices? them voices. You remember remember them voices?

What you know them voices? Haha. You're a piece of You are your girlfriend's cheating on you.

Your best friend's getting some. Haha. You're going to get fired today.

Haha. You might as well drink. You deserve a drink.

You've worked hard. It's a hot day. You can have a cold one.

You're not really an alcoholic. He's an alcoholic. You're not as bad as him.

You could have a drink. And then that that that drink becomes like close and you take a a and then right after you take the first drink, that same voice that just told you it was okay to do it NOW SAYS, "WHAT A DICK. DRINKING AGAIN.

Got you again. Haha. Well, you're a newcomer again now.

What a dick drinking again. IT NEVER SAYS STOP. I was just kidding.

Does it? Gotcha again. Oh well, you might as well get shitfaced.

So, we have to be careful of these kind of things. But when I'm fully conceded to my innermost self that I'm alcoholic, we become different to admittance, acceptance, and surrender. Admittance, acceptance, and surrender sounds like the deal, but it ain't the deal.

See, on on page one of the beautiful book, Alcoholics and Honors, Bill's story, Bill talks about us new young officers from Platsburg are assigned, you know, we visited Winter's Cathedral. um we returned at last 22 and a veteran of foreign wars. He's talking about the first world war, you know, when Kaiser Wilhelm was rampaging through Europe and uh going to take over the world, you know, and um you know, that that German army, they did a very silly thing.

They upset them bad boys from the US of A. And then bad boys from the US of A came over to Europe, you know, over here, Yankee Doodle Dandy and all that stuff. and and and uh and they kicked the Kaiser's ass, man, and saved our bacon, you know, and we we're glad they did that, you know, and uh and that German army were defeated and they admitted that defeat and they accepted that defeat and they surrendered.

So that German army were defeated. They admitted that defeat. They accepted that defeat and they surrendered.

Well, I was born in the Second World War, 1943. You know, the lof waffle were bombing the crap out of London and other places. You know, Hitler was going to take over the world, have a thousand years of Third Reich, you know, and uh did a very silly thing.

They upset them bad boys from the USA and them bad boys came over and kicked his ass again. But that wasn't the first time they did that. See, they did that in the First World War.

In the First World War, they did that and they were defeated. They admitted that defeat. They accepted that defeat and they surrendered.

But you see, they didn't fully concede. So they came back and did it again. And in 1938, when little pot Hitler says, "Let's go storming into Poland, Czechoslovakia, and other places." NOBODY SAID, "DON'T DO THAT.

DON'T DO THAT. DON'T DO THAT." Those bad boys from the US of A come over and kick our ass like they did before. Don't do that.

Don't do that. See, they hadn't fully conceded. They were defeated.

They admitted that defeat. They accepted that defeat and they surrendered, but they didn't fully concede. So they came back and did it again.

This sounding familiar? See? And and and and they didn't fully concede.

You see? So they come back and they did it again. When we fully concede to our innermost self, it's a done deal.

You can admit, accept, and surrender all you like, but it ain't a done deal. I hear people talking about, "I'm not going to drink again. I remember what happened last time.

Anybody remember this? >> I'm not going to drink again. I know what would happen if I did.

>> Well, when you fully concede, you haven't got to rely on two things. Memory or knowledge. Cuz what I know changes.

What I know today was different from yesterday, and what I know tomorrow will be different to today. So, if I'm relying on what I know and it changes, I'm screwed. And I can't afford that.

where drinking's concerned and if I'm relying on my memory. Oh well, I mean I'll forget anything. Me I mean I ism ISM incredibly short memory, you know.

I mean I'll remember the $2 some dick owes me from 20 years ago. But I'll forget what I got to do today and what I got to do and if what'll happen to me if I remember my memory fades. So if I'm like relying on me memory or knowledge and it changes or it fades, I'm screwed.

And I don't want to be screwed. See, but when I fully concede to my innermost self, it's a done deal. It's all the way to the stone, man.

It's like my friends in Pink Floyd wrote, "All the way to the stone, to the gravestone." And those voices that talk to me can't get through when there's no let's make a deal. There's no can we talk about it, can we discuss it? You know, are you sure?

It's a done deal. I'm alcoholic. See, and I haven't got to rely on memory or knowledge.

And I can rely on that. And I can know that those voices and those those obstacles are not going to get through to me. And I'm going to learn to fully concede to my innermost self.

What is my innermost self? Well, people say, "Well, the longest journey is from the head to the heart." Screw that you know? I don't even know where that comes from.

I can't rely on my mind. The disease, the twofold disease, obsession of the mind, allergy of the body. I can't rely on my mind.

My mind, the disease lays mainly in my mind. And what I do with my mind is think. So, I can't rely on that cuz t simply how I think, you know.

I can't rely on that. Can't rely on my mind. Can't rely on my mouth, my truth.

Cuz I speak with a fork tongue and I'll tell a lie any chance I get to take advantage of you. So I can't rely on my mind on my mouth. I can't rely on my heart.

My heart, my feelings. My heart's been broken many times and will be again. So I can't rely on that.

So I can't rely on my m mind, my mouth, or my heart. So where is my innermost self? My friend Earl who many of you know talks about you know the core of my being.

I talk about my gut level honesty that that place 2 in behind your belly button which is yours where you know when you put your head on the pillow there's just you and your truth and you can fully concede to your innermost self that no one can get to and no disease can go past. I'm an alcoholic. See, learn to fully concede to my innermost self that I'm alcoholic.

Well, what is it about me that makes me alcoholic? I didn't know. I didn't know what it was about me that made me alcoholic.

I didn't know I was an alcoholic. I'm one of the people that got to Alcoholics Anonymous and and like Bill and Bob when they were doing the third man on the bed, you know, they tell him, "You are an alcoholic." And he says, "Well, I didn't think much of that. I figured I was just a drunk." He said, "No, you're an alcoholic.

We have something wrong with us. There's something different about us, alcoholic." And that's what happened to me when I got here on January the 15th, 1983. I never knew I was alcoholic.

How would I know? I didn't know. Where I come from in northwest London, everybody drinks.

I don't know why we drink. We just drink. Everybody drinks.

We drink if the team wins. We drink if the team loses. If it's a tie, we drink till there's a result.

We just drink. Don't Nobody ever said we should. Nobody ever said we shouldn't.

We just drink. Everybody drinks. I drink like them.

They drink like me. We just drink together. Well, I mean, I don't know why we drink.

You guys know why you drink. I hear you guys talking about why you drink. You say you drink because you couldn't stand the pain.

And you drink because you are hiding behind who you was. And you drink because you have all these issues like past the tissues. I got issues, you know.

I think what stage of the game do you discover that? I don't remember that. I can't imagine going into any pub I ever drank at and saying, "Oh, bartender, hit me with a triple shot of your best booze." Because I can't stand who I am, and I want to cover up the pain tonight.

Never happened. Never happened. Oh, Mr.

Dealer, man, give me an extra rock of crack cocaine cuz I really feel inadequate. Never happened. Never happened.

I have no idea why I do what I do. I just do it. I've always done it.

I don't know why I do it. I just always done it and that's all I know. I got three sisters and a brother.

They're not alcoholic. My three sisters and brother ain't alcoholic. People think they're born alcoholic.

Load of crap. You can't be born an alcoholic. However, that's another story.

My three sisters and brother, same blood, same family, same environment, same everything. I'm alcoholic. They're not alcoholic.

Three sisters and a brother not alcoholic. I'm alcoholic. Well, guess what?

They got two kids a piece. Well, I got two kids. I ain't never been married.

I ain't never had a wife. of my own. But I got two kids.

Guess what? I'm alcoholic. My kids ain't alcoholic.

My three sisters and brother ain't alcoholic. Their kids are alcoholic. That's weird isn't it?

See, that's what we're dealing with though here. You know, my three sisters and brother don't know why I drink. I don't know why they don't.

I ask them, "Why don't you drink?" They say, "I don't like it." I say, "What?" What don't you like? They say, "I don't like the way it makes me feel." I say, "Don't you don't make you feel?" They say, "Well, if I have one too many, I feel sick." I say, "Sick? You got to drink past that.

WHO STOPS AT SICK? I DON'T stop at sick. I do puke, but I don't stop drinking.

I OH, that's good. Made room for some more. They don't laugh.

They think I'm weird. They think I'm weird. You know, they don't laugh.

They don't think it's funny. You know, they think I'm weird. They're they're not alcoholic.

See, they don't they don't understand what it is about us that makes me alcoholic. What is it that makes me alcoholic? I didn't know.

I asked people, "What is it about me that makes me alcoholic?" Cuz a guy told me when I got to the very first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, January the 15th, 1983, got up in my face and said, "You're an alcoholic." I said, "What?" He said, "You're alcoholic." I said, "That's a bloody mean thing to say to somebody. Say a thing like that to a dude. What do you mean that's mean?" He said, "You You're an alcoholic." I said, "Why' you say that?" He said, "Cuz if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and sounds like a duck and smells like a duck, it's a bloody duck." Just because he's been taking some and thinks he's an eagle.

No, you're a duck. YOU'RE A DUCK. I'm a duck.

Quack quack. He said, "Wow, what is all this? This is the bloody funny farm, man." You know, guys loving on you and and ducks and eagles and what is that?

But later on later on, I found out that it was like the the the the what it was. It was like introducing me to the idea of what it was about me that made me alcoholic cuz I didn't know. I didn't know what it was about me that made me alcoholic.

And I asked people what was it about me that made me alcoholic. And the duck and the eagle story later became part of that because I asked people what it was about me that made me alcoholic and they didn't know. I don't know whether you know or not but most people don't.

Everybody can say they is an alcoholic, but I ask them, "What is it about you that makes you alcoholic?" And they don't know. So, you know what they do? They tell me what they do because they're alcoholic.

I ask them, "What is it about you that makes you alcoholic?" And they tell me the consequences and the results of being alcoholic. And that's not what makes me alcoholic. What makes me alcoholic isn't what I do because I'm alcoholic.

Because I'm alcoholic, one's too many and a thousand ain't enough. Because I'm alcoholic, once I start, I can't stop. Because I'm alcoholic, I can't stop from starting.

Because I'm alcoholic, I can't stop from starting. And once I've started, I can't stop. Anybody remember this?

Yeah. That's not what makes me alcoholic. That's what I do because I'm alcoholic.

Because I'm alcoholic, I got a twofold disease. Obsession of the mind, allergy of the body, obsession of the mind, a thought to the exclusion of all else, including recovery. When I when I get sucked in by the obsession, it takes away my ability to say no.

So that then I have to say yes. So that when I do say yes, I think I chose to or wanted to but didn't. Once I take get sucked in by the obsession and take the first drink, it kicks in what we call a phenomenon of craving.

A craving is a feeling beyond my mental control. So, I can't stop from doing it. And once I'm doing it, I can't stop doing it.

You think I knew this when I got here? I had no idea. So, I can't not do it just because I don't want to because I can't a disease called alcoholism.

A two-fold disease called alcoholism that makes me do it even though I don't want to do it. I got a disease that makes me do what I already don't want to do. So, I can't not do it just because I don't want to.

I got to not want to, but I can't rely on not wanting to. I got to not want to do it and then do these steps in this work so that I don't do what I already don't want to do. And if I ain't doing these steps in this work or ain't done these steps in this work, I will do what I don't want to do.

Cuz the disease I got that I'm powerless over will make me do what I don't want to do. You think I knew this How could I work that out for myself? I couldn't work that out.

I needed you. I'm alcoholic. I didn't know I was alcoholic.

How would I know that? I didn't know. I didn't know what it was about me that made me alcoholic.

And I asked and other people didn't know. They knew what they did because they were alcoholic. They could tell you that they was alcoholic.

They could like tell you the consequences and the results of being alcoholic, but they didn't know what it was. They thought, believed, and said they did. Now, in one of my houses in Los Angeles, I got two parrots in a cage.

A blue one and a green one. Bill and Bob is their name. And then and I've trained them to SP.

God almighty, what's she doing? I saw legs and asses in the air. God made me forget me alcoholism then.

My my two parrots are called Bill and Bob, a blue one and a green one. And I've trained them to speak. And you can stand by the cage very quietly like that and just rock a little bit and and all of a sudden THEY GO, "I'M AN ALCOHOLIC.

POWERLESS. ALCOHOLIC. POWERLESS.

They're bloody parrots is what they are, but they could say they're alcoholic and powerless. And I didn't want to be a parrot walking around here talking jive ass that I didn't understand just because everybody else was saying it. So I wanted to know what was wrong with me and what to do about it.

And so I started finding out and asking and I and I didn't know what it was about me that made me alcoholic. But the duck and the eagle story started making sense because what it was about me that made me alcoholic wasn't what I did because I was alcoholic. Now, if you're alcoholic, got a two-fold disease, obsession of the mind, allergy of the body.

Yes, that's true. Because I'm alcoholic, once I start, I can't stop. Once I started, I can't stop.

And I can't stop from starting. That's true. Because I'm alcoholic, one's too many and a thousand ain't enough.

That's true. But you could read that in a library book. That's not what makes me alcoholic.

That's what I do because I'm alcoholic. What makes me alcoholic is that little duck and the eagle story. See, what makes me alcoholic is what differentiates me from my three sisters and brother.

I got a disease called alcoholism. That disease of alcoholism affects me differently than it affects them. It affects us dis differently, us alcoholics, than those folks out there.

See, alcohol has a different effect on me than it does on those folk out there. We think it's the same for them out there, but it's not. We think that those folk out there have the same reaction to alcohol as we have, but they don't.

See, they don't understand why they why we drink. We don't understand why they don't. Because alcohol don't do for them what it does for me.

What alcohol does for me and what makes me an alcoholic is that I have an abnormal reaction to alcohol. And what that abnormal reaction to alcohol is is that alcohol changes my perception of reality. That's what alcohol does for the alcoholic that it don't do for the normal person.

Alcoholics don't like reality. So we get alcohol to drink. We when we drink alcohol, alcohol changes my perception of that reality.

It don't change the reality. It just changes my perception of real reality. Alcohol changes me from a duck to an eagle.

I go out drinking as a delicate little duck, have a few stiff ones, and turn into an eagle and go swooping around looking for prey. It don't do that for the normal person, you know. I call it a nerd remover.

She's at it again. Look. Yeah.

Damn. I call it a nerd remover. Alcohol removes the nerdness.

You know what I mean by nerdness? You know what I mean by nerd? Yeah.

>> Well, I mean, you're foreigners, so I mean, I'm only asking. Alcohol removes the nerdness. You know, I feel like a nerd.

I drink and I don't feel like a nerd. I feel like a nerd and I drink and I don't care if I'm a nerd. I feel like a nerd and I drink and you're a godamn nerd.

Alcohol changes me. It takes away the nerdness. Mary in my home group back there in Santa Monica, California where I live in Los Angeles.

You know my home group, Mary. Mary's this delicate little dudette. A badass drunk is Mary.

But she describes it as well as I've ever heard anybody describe it. Mary says when she drinks she feels wittier, prettier, and tittier. I know exactly what she means.

Alcohol changes my perception of reality cuz I can't stand reality. I hate reality. You know, I don't like reality.

Screw reality. And that never happened just because I got here. You know, when I was just a little kid, I mean, when I was just a little kid, little tiny kid, they'd say, "What's wrong with that kid?

There's something wrong with that kid. He don't hear RIGHT. WHAT'S wrong with that kid?

He don't hear right." and and and they thought I had a hearing problem. You see, lock him away. Put him away in a home somewhere.

He's he's got a hearing problem. He don't hear right. He get you hung that kid.

What's wrong with that kid? And I wouldn't know. I'm just a little kid.

And they said I had a hearing problem. So I thought I had a hearing problem cuz I don't hear right? I don't hear the same as other people.

People say things and I don't like it. So, I change it to what I do like and then blame you for for telling me. And I'm just a little kid and I can't stand it.

It's so painful and dysfunctional where I come from. And and and I don't know about you folks here in Denmark. I mean, we're in London and we were just poor and we didn't know we were poor, but we were poor.

And I mean, I don't know whether you were poor or not, but I mean, to tell you how poor we was, if I hadn't have been a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with. Oh, yeah. You were poor, too, huh?

Anyway, but I mean, just a little kid. And and and it's so dysfunctional. And remember this if you got kids, cuz kids develop survival techniques.

So, you know, we we kids learn how to survive no matter how bad it is. And my survival technique was that people would tell me and I wouldn't like it. Couldn't stand it, hated it.

So, you know, I would mentally change it to what I did like. And you can imagine what a little kid likes and and then blame you for having told me. And they would think I'm weird and they keep locking me up and putting me away.

and and and I grew up living away and being locked up and and and thinking I was mental and and and and they didn't know how to get through to me. They didn't know what was wrong with me. Not till I get to Alcoholics Anonymous do I discover what's wrong with me.

I'm alcoholic. They didn't do that. When I was locked away in all those nut wards and and all those criminal insane asylums and and and all the the institutions that I've been locked away in, I've been locked away in places cookers wouldn't fly over, you know.

But they never knew how to get through to me. They never knew what was wrong with me. They ne and if they knew what was wrong with me, they never knew how to get through to me till I get to Alcoholics Anonymous and one alcoholic relates to another alcoholic.

That's what the magic is that we have in Alcoholics Anonymous rooms. That's the magic that we have in Alcoholics Anonymous that they don't have anywhere else. And you guys told me I was alcoholic and they and even if they told me, they never knew how to get through to me.

They may have told me, I'm not blaming anybody for not telling me, but I never heard it cuz I got a hearing problem. I don't hear right. It used to drive my mom nuts, you know?

I would I would like come home drunk when I was living in my mom's house in northwest London and I would come home drunk, shitfaced, you know, and alcoholics have this insane belief that they know how to be quiet. >> My mom would be in her bed. She'd hear everything.

My mom heard everything that went on in that house. You could not get one over on my mom in her house. She knew every single thing that went on in that house.

And she would hear me stumble buming around. She'd yell out DOWN THE STAIRS, "DRUNK, SON." And I'd go, "So am I, Mom?" SHE SHE'D SAY, "I'M NOT BLOODY DRUNK. I'VE BEEN IN BED SINCE 8:00.

THE HELL'S wrong with you, goddamn weirdo?" And I wouldn't get it. And I think, well, why did she say she was drunk then? She's messing with me.

Cuz that's what I heard. See, later on when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous and I met one of those monsters that you meet in Alcoholics Anonymous, you know the monsters I'm talking about. Monster sponsor, you know.

And he said, "Get a job." I said, "What?" He said, "Get a job." I said, "What do you mean?" He said, "Go to work." work. I said, "What?" He said, "Get a job. Go to work." I said, "I don't know how I'd get there." He said, "Get a bus." I said, "What?" He said, "Get a bus." And I went all embarrassed cuz I don't know how to get a bus.

I've never done a bus. How do I do buses? I don't ride buses.

I've never ridden a bus. But I feel silly. So, I Oh, all right.

I'll rehearse getting a bus. So, I went down to Sunset Boulevard. I'm living up above Sunset Boulevard in West Hollywood and I saw buses going up and down the boulevard full up with people.

I thought, "Oh, I got to be able to get a bus. Buses are full of people." So, I stood at a bus stop and a bus came along and it opened up and I hopped on the bus. Guy said, "Put some money in the trap in the Oh, yeah.

Okay. Put some money in the trap." Stood there and waited for something to happen and the bus pulled away and I went flying down the bus. I fell up against this chick with these big ones.

She said, "Move your hands." "Well, I don't hear right?" I went, "Sure, sure. Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze." They threw me off the bus, you know. It's not my fault I don't hear right?

I mean, it's just I just, you know, but when I drink, I don't give a See, cuz alcohol changed. And what I discovered was that as a little kid, I was changing my perception of reality. And later on, alcohol and for me, drugs did that.

It changed my perception of reality that I couldn't stand. I CAN'T STAND REALITY. I hate reality.

I can't stand reality. I hate everything about reality. And I don't know.

I don't know that I'm potentially an alcoholic. I mean, this disease of alcoholism is so powerful. And after the break, I'm going to talk about step one and the powerlessness.

But I mean, I hated the the religion I was brought up in. I couldn't stand it. You know, my dad was Irish and and he was a member of the IRA and and and the uh you know, the uh CIA.

Catholic Irish alcoholic, you know, he made us go to church in confession. And I'm not a Catholic basher. I don't want you to believe that.

And in my beautiful book, it tells me alcoholics and honors has made me a better Catholic. But, you know, I hated it. I couldn't stand it.

I hated all all aspects of the religion. And this is really, really important for later on. You know, I was made to go to confession and and I'm a little kid.

I think I'm 10, 11 years old. I I don't know. And and my dad whacked me one day and made me get a confession and I you know I was in the confession.

It's all dark and there was a someone there the other side I had to talk to. I thought oh I don't like these people. I know what I'll do.

Oh in the confession. So I took a dump in the confessional. big Irish community in the place I lived in on Sundays every hour they had a a mass and the mass in the church huge big church the whole town went to the mass every hour like you know 7 8 9 10 11 12:00 and the parish priest he was like a god in the town and and and and he stood at the pulpit you know like and to do his sermon and the whole congregation's listening in AND HE GOES, "OH, SHIT." IN THE CONFESSION, his neck is bulging, you know.

I'm just this rotten little 10-year-old kid, you know. And the next week, I went prepared. I went in the other side, took a then, too.

Like that. Left a note said, "The phantom strikes again. THE whole town.

The whole town who's the confessional and I'm this little kid going, you know, but I'm changing my perception of the reality cuz I can't stand reality. And on January the 15th, 1983, something happened. Something happened that hadn't happened before.

And I'm going to talk about it after we have a break in about 10 minutes. Yeah. What happened on January the 15th, 1983, I found out later, was that I hit bottom.

But I didn't know what hitting bottom was. And I didn't know about it then. It's in retrospect that I talk about this.

And I don't know what you brought to recovery, but what I brought here was a lot of hurt and hate. Hurt and hate. You know, I'm 40 years of age and I'm full of hurt and hate.

And guess what? Alcohol has stopped working. Alcohol has stopped doing its job.

Alcohol has stopped doing what it is about me that makes me alcoholic. I told you what makes me alcoholic is that alcohol changes my perception of reality. Cuz I can't stand reality.

And alcohol makes it okay for me to be here with you rotten people doing rotten things in this rotten world that I hate and I can't stand. And alcohol makes it okay. And and I hear people in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings say, "I wouldn't swap my worst day sober for my best day drinking." And I think, "Well, screw you." You know, I had fun, man, for a long time.

Alcohol and drugs for me was like great drugs. D R U G S devil's revenge upon God's subjects, you know, drugs. And if you're alcoholic, we got to abstain from all drugs as well.

So, that's another story. But, you know, here I am and I and I and I'm in reality and I can't stand reality and and alcohol and drugs has stopped working. Oh, alcohol is still getting me drunk.

Alcohol is still putting me in a blackout. Alcohol is still rotting my liver. Alcohol is still getting me in trouble.

But what it ain't doing is changing my perception of reality. It's still like working in terms of the physical but not the mental. And I got a sober mind and a drunk body.

And I can't stand it. And I'm in so much pain. I can't stand it.

I'm full of hurt and hate. And I hurt and I hate everything. I don't know what you brought to recovery, but that's what I brought.

Hurt and hate. I hate women. I can't stand women.

I hate homos and queers and anybody different. I hate black people. I'm totally racist and prejudiced.

I'm from London, England, living in Los Angeles. And I hate foreigners. I can't STAND ME AND I HATE YOU AND GET AWAY FROM ME AND DON'T COME near me.

And with all that torment and turmoil going on inside, I still have to try and present to you a picture of somebody you will like. Cuz if you don't like me, I'm screwed. And I'm living in this false phony front presenting a false phony exterior.

And inside I'm dying. Lonely, desperate, fear, anxiety, guilt, shame, remorse, worry. Anybody relate to any of that?

I'm hurting so bad. And alcohol isn't making it okay anymore. And I'm screwed.

And I hit bottom. And I didn't know about it at the time. And you know what?

In the beautiful book, Alcoholics Anonymous, in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, there's no mention of hitting bottom. So, a lot of people are confused, but I'm not going to leave you confused here today. We're going to take a break now and uh I'm going going to just quickly recap on what I call the step before the steps.

We got to learn to fully concede to my innermost self that I'm alcoholic. This is the first step in recovery. So, I want to know what it is about me that makes me what I am.

I'm an alcoholic. And I didn't know I was an alcoholic. And I didn't know what being an alcoholic was.

And I didn't know what to do about it. I didn't know anything about nothing when I got here. But I do today.

I'm Mickey Bush. I'm an alcoholic. I'm in an alcoholics anonymous meeting.

I know what's wrong with me and I know what to do about it. That's a lot of right there. I can fully concede to my innermost self that I'm alcoholic.

It's a done deal. There's no argument, no debate, no discussion. The voices can't get through to me.

And guess what, folks? I ain't had a drink since January the 15th, 1983. And I'm living proof that this thing works.

I'm living proof that they let anybody in, alcoholics anonymous. And I'm living proof that you ain't the sickest person in the room. And I'm living proof that if you're laughing, you're relating.

And if you're relating to a sicko like me, there ain't no doubt about you, pal. I don't get I don't get through to no well people. Well people don't laugh at my You people laugh with me.

So listen, we're going to take a little break here and then we'll come back after about 10 or 15 minutes and we'll conclude and we'll go on through one steps one, two, and three. Namaste. God bless.

>> Hi everybody. >> Are we ready? Who's ready for a meeting?

Has everybody peed? Who's going to have to get up and pee? >> Hunchbacks.

You let hunchbacks in here. Okay. Are you back?

Ready there? Okay. All right, folks.

My name's Mickey Bush and I'm a fully conceited alcoholic. >> All right. Well, we had a good break.

I'm going to I'm going to take this second half of the next 45 minutes or so. There's a microphone here for questions and answers at some point. I don't know whether it works or not.

I haven't tried it. But anyway, um there'll be a question and answer period, I hope, at the end of the the meeting. And if you asked a question, I'll give you the answer or at least double talk you into thinking I got an answer, you know.

But anyway, um, in the first half, excuse me, God, cigarette, cigarette. In the first half, just to recap, I I spent, you know, a best part of an hour talking about the step before the steps, which most people seem to ignore. You know, I got to understand what it is about me that makes me alcoholic.

And people say, "You don't need to understand. Just admit it. Just admit." And you know, they say that because they can't don't know how to explain it.

That's right. Semantics and you know, all the other stuff that denies what we got to do and what we got to find out. I got to have an understanding of what's wrong with me.

And I didn't know that. So, I know what it is about me that makes me alcoholic because I'm physically and mentally different than my fellows. And I have a disease called alcoholism.

It's a two-fold disease. Many people think it's a three-fold, but I'll touch on that in the second uh the second step. But, you know, I got my alcohol changes my perception of reality and I I want to change in perception of reality because I can't stand reality.

Now, all of this I don't know about all this when I'm growing up. Like when I when I um when I started drinking, I didn't sort of say to myself, I'm going to start drinking because I can't stand reality and I want to change in perception of reality. I didn't know that.

I didn't know anything about any of this. I found out about it here when I went over the stuff when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous and uncover, discover, discard to discover like that stuff I was talking about as a child. I didn't know all that.

I hadn't thought about any of that. But you know later on when we came to fourth step and we got into causes and conditions and stuff of that nature then you know I started doing this stuff and um I started being taught this stuff. So it's just worth it.

That's why I say that. So we we we learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost self that I'm alcoholic. I learned that.

I fully concede to my innermost self. I know what my innermost self is. I know what it means to be an alcoholic and I can fully concede to my innermost self so that I don't have to rely on two things memory and knowledge.

It's a done deal. So now I can get on with the fact of come together to 12 steps. We got a 12step spiritual program starting with step one.

Now I was talking at the break to a man who's many many years sober here and I asked him about the first step of the 12 and he didn't know. He didn't know what powerless meant. He thought he did.

He said he did. And he said he was 12 years sober. Now, I don't care what he thinks it is.

I don't care if he thinks it means standing on the corner with his thumb stuck up his butt. I don't care. Whatever he thinks it is, he knows how to stay sober doing it.

So, I don't care what he believes in. It do care. Don't want to disturb anybody over there.

We're not disturbing you, are we? See, I do care what he's passing on to the new guy who perhaps going to die. See, so it's very important.

See, even on a pile of a flower will grow. So, I don't care if somebody's staying sober and don't know dick, you know. I do care about our message, our path.

See, so this is why I do what I do and this is why I stand up here and take a risk all over the world, as a matter of fact, um, saying what I say. And what I'm going to say to you, you perhaps haven't heard before and perhaps won't hear again because I don't know anybody else who's saying what I'm about to say to you. I know most of the heavy hitters and I know most of the speakers, but I don't hear them say what I'm about to say to you about powerlessness, etc.

There's only one other person that I know that's um put it close to what I say, and that's Father Martin, who did >> Come on, get it over with. Come on. What do you want?

Ivor is Ivor here. Can we carry on now? Oblivious.

oblivious. He was. See, Father Martin, he said he went to God and and he asked God, "What what you have all of, I have none of.

Can I have some, please?" And he was talking about power. Now, he's the only man and we were friends. He died just recently.

Father Marlin, wonderful man. And uh when I was when I was trying to discover some of this stuff, I was trying to discover what was going on and what to do about it. And I and I started asking people what powerless over alcohol meant.

And you know what? They didn't know. I didn't know.

I didn't know what powerless over alcohol meant. And I asked and I asked a lot of people. You know what happened?

People told me what the results of being powerless were. They told me what the consequences of being powerless were. They told me what happened to them because they were powerless, but they didn't know what powerless was.

They thought, believed, and said they did, and they repeated things that they heard in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, but they didn't know. And I didn't know. And I needed to know it was the first thing about the first step in a program that I'm going to depend on to save my life being a real alcoholic.

So I wanted to know what it was. And the first of the 12 steps we admitted we were powerless over alcohol that my life had become unmanageable. The first thing I noticed about that step was that it was written in the past tense.

We admitted we were powerless. that my life had become unmanageable. Not that I am powerless and it is unmanageable.

And I hear people walking around alcoholics anonymous claiming they're powerless. Powerless. Powerless.

Everybody's powerless. Poor little powerless. Powerless over everything.

Powerless over people, places, and things. Powerless. Powerless.

Powerless. They don't know what the hell they're talking about. I just had a a run in with a guy 33 years sober.

He he talks all the time and he says that he's as powerless today as the day that he walked into Alcoholics Anonymous. He's as powerless today as the day he walked Here goes another one. Shall I come back tomorrow?

I mean I I mean all right now. Good. See, he's as powerless today as the day that he walked in 33 years ago.

And I said, "Why do you say that?" "Cuz it's true." He said, "Cuz it's true. I'm powerless today as the day I walked in 33 years ago." I said, "Why do you say that? Powerless over alcohol." I said, "Okay, then what do you do about it?" He said, "I pray to God." I said, "What?" He said, "I pray to God." God is my understanding.

I said, "You said you were powerless." That's right. He said, "Powerless over alcohol." I said, "I asked you what you did about it. You said you prayed to God." He said, "That's right.

Pray to God my understanding." I said, 'Well, make your mind up.' He said, 'What do you mean?' I said, 'Well, if you're powerless, you ain't got a God to pray to, and if you got a God to pray to, you ain't powerless. You can't have it both ways. He said, well, we all know you're weird.

I said, I may be weird, but I ain't weird enough to listen to your crap. 33 years sober, walking around in Alcoholics Anonymous, claiming you're powerless. Palace, pears, palace.

You know, poor little palace. Pearless over people, places, and things. Being powerless over people, places, and things is not only not true, but it has nothing to do with nothing.

Being powerless over people, places, and things has nothing to do with nothing. And it ain't true. Because a good alcoholic knows that I do have some power sometimes over some things.

Correct. >> Correct. >> Yeah.

>> Sometimes I can manipulate you into doing what I want you to do. Sometimes I can coersse you into doing my bidding. Sometimes I can get what I want from you.

Sometimes you can get what you want from me. Some I do have some power sometimes over some things. Ralph and I had the power to drive here today.

I had the power to wear this shirt. You I mean you may not like it. But I got it.

See, I do have some power sometimes over some things. See, now if I confuse that type of powerlessness to the powerlessness that I must fully concede to my innermost self about alcohol, alcohol where drinking is concerned, I'm screwed. If I think that even I I have the smallest amount in and of myself, I have the smallest amount of power over alcohol, I'm screwed.

Because if I leave just a small tiny gap for that disease to come barging through, it'll come back through with a whole computer bank of evidence to b barge down my defenses. So, I have to completely slam the door. I can't afford to confuse the powerlessness over alcohol with this crap that you hear about powerless over people, places, and things.

But it's nothing to do with nothing. Everybody is and isn't powerless over people, places, and things. Nothing to do with alcoholism.

You think the Pope ain't powerless over wearing that hat? You know, you think Granny Clamp ain't powerless over Jethro. You know, you think that Russian dude with the big purple blob on his head, you know, that guy with the purple blob on his head, you think he ain't powerless over purple blobs?

You think he don't look in the himself in the shower one one morning and go, "How come I GOT A BLOODY PURPLE ON me head?" Powerless over people playing nothing to do with alcoholism, but we have people walking around here quoting stuff as if it does. powerless over alcohol. Now, what is that?

What does it mean to be powerless over alcohol? I wanted to know. It was the first thing about the first step in a program that I'm going to depend on to save my ass.

So, I wanted to know. And it had to be had to be more than what happened to me because I was powerless. I mean, because I'm powerless, one's too many and a thousand ain't enough.

Because I'm powerless, I can't control and enjoy my drinking. But I got news to for you. To control it, you got to be doing it.

And if you're doing it, you're already screwed. So it has to be more than the C word, the control word. See, powerless over alcohol.

Well, I didn't know what that meant. And I wanted to find out what it meant. I wanted to know what it meant.

I wanted to know and understand so that I could get a grasp of what was wrong with me and what to do about it. And this was we admitted we were powerless over alcohol that my life had become unmanageable. Well, what did that meant?

I worked out an equation. Powerless equals no power. Well, in the beautiful book Alcoholics Anonymous, it said, "There is one who has all power.

That one is God. May you find him now." Does it say that or not? There's one who has all power.

That one is God. May you find him now. Well, if I got to find him, it means I ain't got him.

And if he's the source and he's the power over everything and I'm powerless over alcohol, it must mean powerless equals no power. God equals power. Therefore, powerless equals godless.

When I get to our colleagues anonymous, I have no power in my life. Call it God, Jesus, Buddha, Allah, Muhammad, or anything else that you want to call it, and we don't care what you call it. Call it bloody mashikovich if you like.

Nobody cares. But I don't have it when I get here to Alcoholics Anonymous on January the 15th, 1983. I am helpless, hopeless, and powerless when it comes to alcohol.

not people, places, and things and other things like that. I'm powerless over alcohol. When I get to Alcoholics Anonymous, I haven't arrived here with the fellowship yet because right here is a power greater than me.

But I'm not here yet. When I get here, I have no power in my life to resist the demands of the disease that I'm in the grips of. A two-fold disease, obsession of the mind, allergy of the body.

I'm in the grips of a fatal progression, progressive disease, and I have to do what it wants me to do, which is drink. And I have no power to resist its demands. Now, I don't know that.

How do I know that? How am I going to work that out? I don't know even what that is.

I don't know that I'm powerless over alcohol. I don't even know what powerless means. What it means is I have no power.

I have no God in my life. God, group of drunks, good old dude, you know, go on dreaming, you know, whatever you want to, whatever you want to call it. I don't have it when I get here.

And when I get here, I'm in the grips of a fatal disease. A disease so powerful. This disease that I got is so powerful, it has got me to abandon the God that I believed in and what I know of and I was raised in.

This disease is so powerful. whatever form of God you may believe in, it gets you to abandon that disease way long before you get here. The the disease doesn't get me to abandon the disease.

It gets me to abandon God and the spirituality. See, the disease is so strong and so powerful that long before I get here, years before the onset of untreated alcoholism, the disease gets me to abandon God and spirituality. So that along the path of life, sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly, the disease becomes all powerful in my life, dictating and dominating everything I say, do, think, and feel.

And in and of myself, I am helpless, hopeless, and powerless to resist its demands. And I have to do what it wants me to do, which is drink. And I can't not drink just because I don't want to.

Cuz this disease that I'm so powerless over makes me do it even though I don't want to do it. And I have no power to resist its demands because the disease years before I got here got me to abandon God and spirituality which is the source of the power over everything. See, and in and of myself, I have no God in my life to resist its demands.

You think I knew that when I got here? Powerless is godless. Whatever form of God you've got, we don't mind.

Whatever. In the beautiful book, Alcoholics Anonymous, it says he can choose any concept of God he likes, provided it makes sense to him. That's a condition, my friends.

This book that says of itself, "Our book is meant to be suggestive only." Mayor bloody well meant to be suggestive only, but it ain't. It's got clearcut, precise instructions, directions, and rules to follow. He can choose any concept of God he likes, provided it makes sense to him.

So, we have to find something that makes sense to me that I can depend upon that I can rely on at 2:00 in the morning when them demons are screaming and my ass is in a sling and I got a drink so bad it's ripping my guts out. I better have something that makes sense to me that I can depend upon to save my ass. And that something better be something more than the fact that I don't want to do it.

You know what I'm talking about? >> Yeah. Anybody ever been in that position where you got to drink so bad?

That's what alcoholism does. And I better have something that makes sense to me. And that's something, you know, better make sense to me.

But not some ying of the yang, zen of the zoo, sky pilot, or whatever else you want to talk about. It better make sense. And people say, "It doesn't matter what it is.

Just and all the other lip flapping party line that goes on around here. It better make sense. And I didn't know that I was separated from it and that I was bankrupt from it and that I was like defeated by it, which is the spiritual malady.

See, the spiritual malady is the separation from the spirit. The spiritual malady is that the the the disease I'm bankrupt as far as spirituality is concerned. The diseases got me to abandon God and spirituality and defeated my spirituality and separated me from the spirit.

That's why there's no third factor. People say it's a three-fold disease, but it can't be a three-fold disease or every known medical association in the world recognizes alcoholism addiction as a two-fold illness. Obsession of the mind, allergy of the body, mental and physical.

Not one recognize it as a spiritual sickness. >> There's no such thing as a spiritual sickness. I was talking at the break with a couple of members.

It says in the beautiful book Alcoholics Anonymous on page 62 64, resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease.

What is a spiritual disease? Anybody got one? Anybody seen one?

Anybody know what one is? A spiritual disease. A disease spirit.

A DISEASE GOD. WHAT is a disease God? For we have not only been mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick.

How can you be spiritually sick? Well, have you got a sick spirit? You got a diseased God.

Well, if you got a diseased god and you reconnect with it, you're going to be screwed. How can you have a diseased god or a sick spirit? No.

There's me that's sick because I'm separated from the spirit. There's me that's sick because the disease has got me to abandon God and spirituality so that I have no God and spirituality in my life. There's me that's sick that when I reconnect and make a conscious contact with the spirit, I straighten out mentally and physically because it's a spiritual solution, not a spiritual problem.

It can't be both. We can't have a spiritual problem and a spiritual solution. It's one or the other.

And when I straighten out phys spiritually, I stra when I reconnect spiritually, I straighten out mentally and physically. I haven't got a disease spirit or a disease god. I'm sick and diseased because I'm separated from God.

I mean, if you got VD, if you got a veneerial disease, if you got the clap and you need penicellin, but you ain't got no penicellin, do you go around saying I got a penicellin disease? That wouldn't make any sense, would it? That's dumb.

SO, IF I HAVEN'T GOT ANY SPIRITUALITY, why do I go around saying I GOT A SPIRITUAL DISEASE? That's dumb. I got to reconnect with the spirit.

And when I reconnect with the spirit, I straighten out physically and mentally. How do I reconnect with the spirit? We reconnect with the spirit by something that's not mentioned in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

It's called hitting bottom. Now, I don't know whether you guys talk about hitting bottom here in Denmark, but we do over there. And most people have no idea what it means.

They think, believe, and say they do. Bill Wilson never wrote anything about hitting bottom in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. But more was revealed to Bill the same as more will be revealed to us.

in the 12 and 12 that we don't have up here today. But um in the very first step, he he says, "Why all this insistence that every alcoholic must hit bottom first?" Anybody know what I'm talking about? Anybody read the 12 and 12?

>> Yeah, it's in there. Step one, Bill Wilson insists that every alcoholic must hit bottom first. Now, that's some ballsy crap to say to a bunch of drunks who don't like authority and don't like being told what to do.

We insist that every alcoholic must hit bottom first. >> Yeah, we'll hit bottom on this, Father Mucker. Yeah.

Yeah. But that's how important it is. You see, hitting bottom is the process that brings us back to the power we've abandoned to ask for help.

And I didn't even know that. I'd abandon the power. Hitting bottom is the same for all of us, not different.

I know in our meetings in other places, we say everybody's bottom's different. But that's people who don't understand what hitting bottom is. And most people have no idea what hitting bottom is.

Though they think, believe, and say they do, and I didn't. And I went around asking people like powerless and being alcoholic. What does it mean to hit bottom?

What does hitting bottom mean? Do you know what they told me? They told me the consequences and the results of untreated alcoholism in their life.

They told me the consequences and the results of of of drinking and drugging in their life at the tail end of their drinking. They told me the outside circumstances and conditions that their life was in when they got here. You know, hitting bottom is not about the outside circumstances and conditions of our life.

We think, believe, and say it is, but it's not. Hitting bottom is the same for all of us. Yours was the same as mine.

Mine is the same as yours. Ours is the same as theirs. I know that we say in meetings, everybody's bottom's different.

But people don't understand that. See, hitting bottom is the same. There's no unity in being different.

Hitting bottom is the same. Yours is the same as mine. And when I say what I'm about to say, you will relate.

I know it. How do I know it? Cuz you're here.

That's how I know it. So, he must have been there cuz you're here. >> See, look.

hitting bottom, far from it being what we believe it to be. And when I ask people what hitting bottom is, you'd be amazed what I get told. You know, hitting bottom is not about the outside circumstances and conditions our life were in.

Hitting bottom is an inside job, not an outside circumstance. And I ask people all the time and they tell me about, well, the wife left me. The kids are gone.

I'm living in an abandoned car. I'm in detox. I'm in prison.

I'm locked up in jail. I'm diseased. All the things in their outside circumstances and conditions.

I lost my job. I lost my career. You know, that's not what hitting bottom is.

That's the outside circumstances and conditions of our life. Hitting bottom is an inside job, not an outside circumstance. And the danger of believing that hitting bottom is the outside circumstances and conditions of our life is that as those outside circumstances and conditions get better and improve, we falsely believe we've gotten better and improved and drink again.

Anybody know what I'm talking about? She comes back in my life. I get the job back, got career back, got money in the bank, I'm sitting pretty.

You're not really an alcoholic and I think I'm doing good. Hitting bottom's an inside job. I asked a couple here just before I came here.

This little guy and girl, they're in they're good members. They want to stay clean and sober. I asked them what their bottom was.

I said to this little girl, I said to her, "What was your bottom, love? It's important that we understand hitting bottom because it's the process that brings us back to the power we've abandoned. Have you hit bottom?" She said, "Oh yes." I said, "What was your bottom?" She said, "I was feet to the curb, hustling the Broadway, prostituting myself, trying to earn a dollar so I could get loaded." I said, "That wasn't your bottom." She said, "Well, I think it was." I said, "I don't care what you think." I said to her, "Dude," I said, "What was your bottom, pal?" Oh, he said, "I know what that was." He said, "I was locked up in a penitentiary, married to Bubba.

I said that wasn't your bottom. He said it felt like it was. You got bad minds.

I swear to God, you got bad minds. See, hitting bottom isn't about that outside stuff. Hitting bottom is the same.

Hitting bottom is that time that happened to me on January the 15th, 1983. I remember it so clearly. I didn't know what I was saying and I didn't know who I was saying it to and I didn't know what the results of what I was saying was going to be.

But in desperation and despair, I can remember going, "HELP ME. PLEASE HELP ME. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?" And asked for help from outside of myself.

ASK our saving kit help H E L P his ever loving presence. Anybody know what I'm talking about? And you know what?

Though the disease had gotten me to abandon God, God hadn't abandoned me. And when I turned back to him and asked for help, he seemed to be looking over my shoulder. And he seemed to say to me, "Mick, you silly bastard.

I've been waiting for you to ask. Now get yourself over that 12step fellowship. Sent me to you.

I asked for help and he sent me to you. Cuz here was the power he provided for an alcoholic of my kind, your kind, our kind. The beautiful book says here was a power greater than me that would enable me to not have to drink today.

Here it was. Me plus you. I hope everything comes out all right.

Me plus you is a power greater than me. You plus us is a power greater than you. Together we can do what I couldn't do.

I couldn't stay sober. You couldn't stay sober, but together we could stay sober. And I read in the Bible.

I I I like the Bible, you know. Nothing wrong with the Bible. B I Ble E.

Being informed before leaving earth. Nothing wrong with the Bible, you know. You know, I like the Bible.

Nothing wrong with the Bible as long as you don't want to treat your alcoholism with it cuz the Bible don't treat alcoholism. But in the Bible, it said, "When any two are gathered in my name, there I will be in your midst." And I went, "Wow, that's what we do in Alcoholics Anonymous. Two alcoholics come together for the purpose of recovery, the third factor, and God comes in our midst and produces a power greater than either of us." So it's produced by us but it's greater than us and we can absolutely depend upon it to not have to drink today and we can utilize the power even if we don't understand the power long before we understand the power we can utilize the power.

That's why I thank AA for the power and I thank the power for AA. I never had it when I got here. I mean you guys tried to help me.

You said let go and let God. I said what you said turn it over to God. I said, "What?" You said, "Pray to God." I said, "Fuck off.

If I pray to him, he'll know where I am." I weren't going to pray to know God that WAS GOING TO GET ME. God was going to get me. THEY SAID, "GOD WILL GET YOU FOR THAT.

GOD WILL GET you for that. God will get you for that." I couldn't even play with the old dingling for Christ's sake. They said, "Don't you play with that.

GOD WILL STRIKE YOU BLIND." Do do you remember this? Will you tell an aliy like me not to do something? And of course he will.

So I did. When I found out how good it felt, I THOUGHT, WELL, I'LL RISK ONE EYE, you know. But I mean, I never came in here with no god of my understanding or anybody else's understanding.

But I I came here and I learned and I stuck around. I kept coming back. But I never had it when I got here.

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol. My life had become unmanageable in and of myself. I was helpless, hopeless, and powerless.

Destitute in every department, you know, and under the grips of a powerful disease. A disease so powerful it got me to abandon God and spirituality so that it could become all powerful in my life. See, and and I was helpless, hopeless, and powerless to resist its demand.

I hit bottom so so devastatingly that I turned back to God and asked for help. God came back in my life and sent me to you. Here was a 12step spiritual fellowship.

In the fellowship, you introduced me to a big book. B I G B O K. Believing in God beats our old knowledge.

In the beautiful book was a program P R O G R A M. People relying on God relaying a message. Message.

M E S A G E. Me step sponsoring God every day. Holy It was a God-given gift.

GF T. God is forever there. What for?

GF TS. Get it from the steps. Wow.

What do you mean steps? What do you mean steps? S ts.

Solution to every problem. Sober. Wow.

Solution. S O L U T I O N S. Saving our lives using the inventory or needed steps.

Holy Wow. How do I find out about this? Well, you got to want it.

You got to ask for it. What do you mean ask for it? Ask saving kit.

Holy Who shall I ask? Try a sponsor. Sponsor?

What do you mean sponsor? S P O N S O R. Sober person offering newcomers suggestions on recovery.

Wow. Newcomer. NE W M E R N E W C O M E R Nothing else worked.

Completely out of manageability. Enter recovery. Holy Well, have I got to do the steps?

Yeah, you got to do the steps. Why have I got to do the steps? Well, if you don't do the steps and you want to quit drinking, you go crazy.

You go nuts. What do you mean nuts? N U T S.

Not using the steps. That's when Holy Well, does everybody work the steps? No, not everybody works the steps.

Well, why have I got to work them? Oh, you don't have to work them if you don't want to. Well, what happen if I don't work them?

Well, go down there to Copenhagen. Go and see them people down there not working the steps. Walking around here full of crap.

What do you mean crap? Crap. Carrying resentments against people.

Yeah. Well, what do I what happens then? Well, go down and see them.

You You'll see them not working the steps, going crazy, going nuts, you know. Well, what do they do that for? So they stay sober.

What do you mean sober? S O B E R. Son of a Everything's real.

That's what sober is. Wow. Wow.

Is that all there is? No, that ain't all there is. A beautiful book says, "Elimination of our drinking is but a beginning.

A far greater demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations, and affairs. Well, I don't know about you folk here in Denmark, but us folk back there in LA, we have affairs. We're no good at them, but we don't give them up.

Relationships. Anybody here good at relationships? I wrote a word for relationships.

R E L A T I O N S H I P. Relationships. Really exciting love affair turns into outrageous nightmare.

Sobriy hangs in peril. So I was helpless, hopeless, and powerless, but I'm not now. I've got I've turned back to God.

God's come back in my life. He sent me to you spiritual fellowship. You introduced me to a big book with a program with a design for living, a blueprint for life.

Sponsor sponsories. I've got so much bloody power today. I don't know what to do with it for Christ's sake.

I said to my sponsor, "What shall I do with all this power over alcohol?" He said, "Give it away. Go out there to Copenhagen. Give it to them.

Don't worry, they won't want it." So now I'm I'm reconnected with God and I'm back in the fold and I'm here with a power. Me plus you is a power greater than me. You plus us is a power greater than you.

Together we can do what I couldn't do alone. I couldn't stay sober. You couldn't stay sober.

But together we can stay sober. Step two. Now in step two it says, "Came to believe that a power greater than self could restore me to sanity." Well, guess what?

I'm certified insane in four different countries. But guess what? They never once came and grabbed my ass and said, "We're going to lock you up for repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result." They didn't say that.

You guys said that. And I went, "Wow, holy shit." They knew how to bash me up. They knew how to brutalize me.

They knew how to shoot me up with tranthren and zap me on electric machines and ostracize me from society and bash me and and do all that, but they didn't know what was wrong with me. And they didn't know how to get through to me, even if they did know what was wrong with me. See, and so I was locked up in insane asylums and and institutions for the criminally insane.

But that that wasn't the insanity that we talked about in recovery. We talked about a recovery. The insanity as being repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result.

Drinking. Anybody know what I'm talking about? For me to know what I know about my drinking history, for me to do that again is insane.

Just like the jaywalker. Anybody remember the jaywalker? See, that's insane, isn't it?

So, came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. Restoring me to sanity. If if repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result was insanity to be restored to sanity meant not drinking.

So here was a power greater than myself that would enable me to not have to drink today. And this power that we have in rooms like this all over the world is a power so great in Alcoholics Anonymous. It will enable me to defeat the power of the disease so that I didn't have to drink.

And here it was right here, right now in rooms like this. And we must have a power right here, right now in rooms like this. Whatever that power may mean to you, you you got it right here.

Look, I don't know how many people are in here today. Must be 100, 150, maybe. I don't know.

But there must be a power, mustn't there? Right here, right now in rooms like this. There must be a power right here, right now.

Look, I'm in in um Copenhagen, right? I don't know where, but I'm here, you know. Now, I don't know Copenhagen very well, but I got a feeling that if we ain't got a power right here, right now in rooms like this, and we suffer from a disease that we're powerless over that makes me do what I already don't want to do, and if I ain't got a power to counteract that power, and when I walk out of here, if I ain't got a power to counteract the power of the disease, I'm going to have to do what the disease wants me to do, which is drink.

I I got a feeling Copenhagen ain't ready for 100 or 150 alis to go out and get drunk today. So there must be a power, mustn't there? Whatever that power that you got or believe in is perfectly okay with us.

Cuz we've learned some around here. We've learned, for example, that whatever you believe in, no matter what that power is, is okay with us. Because we we've learned, for example, that as the beautiful book says, he can choose any concept of God he likes, provided it makes sense to him.

So if there's a hundred different concepts of God in this room, we don't care what it is. You can have a Catholic god, a Jewish god, a Hindu god, a Muslim god, you can have a leg of the chair god, you can have a doornob god, you can have a sea god, you can have a pair of tits god, you can have any kind of god you like. Nobody cares.

Why? Because all the gods have got at least one thing in common. Know what that is?

All the gods send their alies here, don't they? All the gods send their als to not have to drink today. This power that we have here is of God and from God and provided by God.

But it ain't God. It's provided by God for us also disease. I can't sit down at a desk and work out my affairs and pay my bills and live my life.

But I can today see I've been restored to sanity and here I have a power now with this power that's of God and from God and provided by God but ain't God. That's why in the third step, we can turn our will and our life over to the care of God as I've understood God. Why?

Because it says so. Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I've understood God. Well, I got Bill Wilson on tape where he defines it in one and two.

So, he named it in three. Coming out of his own mouth, he says, "I defined it in one and two, so I named it in three, and I named it God cuz I was okay with God." But if you're not okay with God, call it whatever the hell you like. Nobody cares.

That's why this power works for atheists and works for agnostics. Works for all alies. If you be an alcoholic of our kind, you see, and and I can make a decision to turn my will and my life.

What is my will and my life? My will is my thinking, my life is my actions. My will is my thinking, my life is my actions.

But it has to be more than just for today because I got to stay sober today. And I got to live in the now. No, no other way.

Cuz I'm new. New. Nothing else worked.

But I can't live in the now because I got guilt, shame, and remorse from yesterday. And I got to live in the now, but I can't live in the now. Dragging around all this guilt, shame, and remorse from yesterday.

And I got to live in the now, but I can't live in the now cuz I got fear, worry, and anxiety about tomorrow. I got to live in the now, but I got guilt, shame, remorse from yesterday. And I got fear, worry, and anxiety about tomorrow.

But I got to live in the now. So that's why I turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I've understood God because it's got I've got to live in the now, but it has to be everything I have done, am doing, and will do. Everything I wish I'd done, would like to be doing, and hope I'll do in a three-part section so that I can live in the now without carrying guilt, shame, remorse, and and what fear, worry, and anxiety.

So that I can be new, just concentrating on today, not drinking today. And in the beautiful book, it's different to the step. In the book, it says right after the ABCs, now we're at step three.

What does this mean? That we turned our will and our life over to God. Well, I made the mistake of doing that.

I turned my will and my life over to God. Guess what? God turned it back and said, "I don't want it.

I gave it to you. What are you giving it back to me for? I don't want it." Because in the step, it says, "Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God." a totally different thing, though often confused.

I found that out about my white Jaguar sports car. I got a white Jaguar sports car in LA. 12cylinder XJS white Jaguar sports car.

I'm a limey for Christ's sake. I'm in America. I'm like I'm a happening dude.

I lash about in my white Jaguar sports car. 12 steps, 12 traditions, 12 cylinders. Nothing wrong with that, you know.

But it's a limey piece of is what it is. It's a Jaguar and they break down. Jaguars break down.

And when it breaks down, I take it back to the mechanic I got it for and put it in his care for fixing and repair. But I don't give the bastard my car. It's my car.

I own it. I'm responsible for it. DMV looked for me for payment and registration for it.

But I put it in his care for fixing and repair. Now, when I put my car in his care for fixing and repair, what do you think he wants me to do? >> No.

What he wants me to do after I put my car in his care for fixing and repair, he wants me to turn around and piss off out of his shop. He don't want me lurking around and he don't want me making suggestions and he certainly don't want me helping him. He wants me to get the hell out of his shop and let him get on with his work.

Guess what? I think God wants me to do that as well. When I turn to him for his strength, inspiration, direction, it's no good me then doing what I want to do.

When I turn in desperation to God and ask for help, it's no good me asking him for help and then doing what I want to do. >> I see that all the time. People say, "Oh, I desperately asked for help, but I got still got drunk." Yeah, cuz you didn't do what God presented you with you.

It's the same with them relationship. I'm obsessed over her, over him, miss right or miss right now. You know, God, help me.

Help me. I'm so obsessed. I can't think of nothing else.

I can't work. I'm just desperate. is driving me crazy.

Help me relieve the obsession. Well, it's no good me asking God for his strength, inspiration, direction, and then doing what I want to do. Like, oh, hello, love.

I thought I'd give you a little call. Say, how you doing? Oh, I'm doing great.

I screwed the Arsenal football TEAM YESTERDAY. AH, I don't want to hear that. You know, screw Manchester United, but not Arsenal.

See, so if I ask God for his strength, inspiration, direction, I got to then do what he wants me to do. And what he wants me to do is is what he wants you to do. Cuz I know God's will for me.

God's will for me is to be clean and sober, happy, joyous, and free. I'm one of his kids. He wants me to be clean and sober, happy, joyous, and free.

And in the first chapter of the first step in the 12 and 12, it says, "We have walked our mind in such an obsession for destructive drinking that only an act of providence can remove it. An act of providence is where God didn't create it and could have prevented it, but he don't. He allows it in order to bring good from it.

God don't protect me from the storm. He protects me in the storm. You see, and that's what I have here.

I have a way out that I can absolutely depend upon. I've understood it in step three. Understood is a past tense word.

I know people say understand, but it ain't. It's understood. I've understood it because the understanding comes from step one, two, and three.

And all I've really done in step one, two, and three, and I got to wrap this up unfortunately, but all I've done is I've decided that I can't do it. He can do it. So, I'm going to let him.

And that's all we're really doing really. You know, we're just let getting out the hell of the way. My when I got here to Alcoholics Anonymous, my life was in ruins.

Today, my life's in perfect running order. The only difference between run and ruin is what? I >> I >> When I got here, my life was in ruins.

R U I N. Today, it's in perfect running order. R U N.

The only difference between run and ruin is I. If I take the word run and put a big fat I in there, it turns to ruin. If I take ruin and remove I, it turns to run.

And that's what happens in Alcoholics Anonymous. If we stick together doing this, being a small part of this great hole, I can become a small part of a great hole, a contributing member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I love that.

And God's will for me is to be clean and sober, happy, joyous, and free. God wants that for you, too. If you don't know what God's will for you is, I do.

I know what God's will for you is. Same as God's will for me. God wants his alcoholic kids to be clean and sober, happy, joyous, and free.

And if you got a god who don't want that for you, get rid of the bastard. You know, yeah. You know, my telephone number in United States is 818 area code, are you sober?

818, are you like Toys R Us? S O E R. And I love hearing from you.

I love hearing from you. I love There's several people here that have called me in the past and I I love hearing from you and I love being a small part of this great hole. I'm going to stick around.

I ain't going nowhere. I ain't going nowhere. I'm staying right here right now.

How long have we got on this tape? Have Have we been How long have we been yaking it up for? >> 55.

>> 55 minutes. Oh, so we got some time because we got a question and answer. Does this work?

This this microphone. >> We can we can uh we can extend this a little bit if you want to. How we doing?

It's it's 5 6. Have we got some time? >> Do you want to go on or what?

What? >> Yeah. >> Anybody got any questions?

Q& A. >> No. God, I'm good.

All right, let's see. Let's play Stump the Drunk. Let's play Stump the Drunk.

All right, go ahead. >> Hi. >> Yes, I can.

But >> talk into the mic because it won't go on the CD. Can you uh explain that a little more uh deeply? Uh didn't fully concede to my innermost self.

I don't really understand the word conc in in Danish. U it's why why I just gave the example of the German army uh you know where they were defeated. They admitted that defeat.

They accepted that defeat and they surrendered but they didn't fully concede. So they came back and done it again. When we fully concede, it's a done deal to the stone.

No argument, no debate, no discussion. But admittance, acceptance, and surrender ain't. I can admit something today and and deny it tomorrow.

I can accept it today and refute it tomorrow. I can surrender today, but give me an Uzi and a box of ammo and come on big boy. You know, so I can admit, accept, and surrender, but it ain't the done deal.

Fully concede to my innermost self is the done deal. And that's an inside job. That's like what I call the gut level honesty or my friend says to the core of my being where I can only go.

You know, it does take a bit of understanding cuz not a lot of people maybe you're going to carry what I'm selling to you now. You're going to get an understanding. You're going to pass it on to some poor sick puke.

Maybe some sick puke as sick as you. You dig what I'm saying? Good.

That's why we need to talk about it. A lot of people are not understanding that. No one's talking about it.

Yes. Anybody else? >> Yeah.

Hello. My name is Morton. I'm an alcoholic.

>> Hello, Morton. >> It was nice to hear you. Um I also got a question about the conceit thing.

>> Good. Um because actually I don't really know what the word means but um would you is it the same kind of thing as as if you have a hot stove then you I mean everybody here knows that if we put our hand into the flame it hurts. >> Yes.

>> We don't need to think about it >> right. >> Is it a bit the same kind of thing? >> Yes.

Yes. They they talk about that as if withdrawing from a hot flame. Now I couldn't talk you into like putting your hand in a hot flame, could I?

I mean, it wouldn't wouldn't No, I wouldn't be able to do that. You would refute that. Yeah.

I mean, even from a baby when you're a baby in your mom's arms, she's talking, she's teaching you. Even when she's feeding you, she's blow on your food, you know, blow, blow, blow, hot, hot, burny, burning, you know, and you learn hot burns. Don't don't put your hand on a hot stove.

Now, if Mickey Bush comes along and says, "Oh, you silly bastard, Morton. You're putting your right hand in it. You can't put your right hand in.

And you got to put your left hand in it. Don't burn left hands. Put your left hand in.

You'd go, "Go piss off. I ain't putting nothing in, wouldn't you?" And if I said, "Oh yeah, don't don't put your hand in. Put your feet in.

Put your feet in. Put your feet in the flame. It don't burn feet." You'd say, "Well, you get the hell away from me.

I ain't putting nothing in. It's going to burn." Cuz it's indelibly imprinted in the mind, ain't it? Hot.

It's done. And that's what we got to get where it comes to alcoholism. We got to get to that indelible indelible point in my mind where it's an absolute done deal.

No argument, no debate, no discussion, no voices can get through, nothing can penetrate that that fully conceded error around me, learn from it. >> So is it also a little bit like, sorry, I have another followup thing, but is it also a little bit like you say that you don't have any animosity against the flame because you don't give a You just don't put your hand into it. >> That's right.

>> Is it a bit that? >> That's right. It's nothing wrong with booze.

Nothing wrong with booze. Nothing wrong with booze. Unless you're allergic to it.

>> Exactly. >> If you're allergic to it, you better not drink it. >> It's like It's like penicellin.

Nothing wrong with penicellin. It's a wonder drug. Unless you're allergic to it.

If you're allergic to penicellin, you go into an accident, they give you a shot of penicellin and you're allergic to it, you go into a coma and die. Nothing wrong with penicellin. Nothing wrong with hot flames.

Unless you don't want to get burnt. Nothing wrong with alcohol. Alcohol is a social lubricant.

That's why we don't have an alcohol problem. We have an alcoholism problem. A totally different thing.

An alcohol problem is cured by stopping drinking. Alcoholics who just stop drinking, do they get better? Do they get cured?

We get worse, not better. I was talking to Ro the other day. We were talking about Hitler.

We were in in one of the concentration camps. Hitler as a young man went out with his friends and got blind paralytic drunk and in the morning he had the worst hangover you could possibly have and he said screw that I ain't doing that no more and he didn't he didn't do it again. So if you want a example of an alcoholic who just stops drinking.

Nothing wrong with alcohol. Nothing wrong unless you're allergic to it and that we have to learn about. Anybody else?

Come on. Come on. Let's play stump the drunk.

There's two, three here. Look, three ladies. >> What did he say?

>> I said Mike's only for recording. >> Oh, okay. Go ahead.

>> Okay. I don't like taking exceptions with the big book, you know, but I do have one exception that's been very painful for me for many years in AA and that is that it says somewhere I don't remember the the number of the page, but it says that alcoholics are completely normal and and accountable in all other senses but when they drink alcohol and you know that's not my >> drunk. Thank you.

Looks >> wrong. Thank you. >> Page 24.

>> Thank you. >> Page 22. Actually, it says, "Perhaps we will never be full uh perhaps there never will be a full answer to these questions.

Opinions vary considerably as to why the alcoholic reacts differently from normal people. We are not sure why. Once a certain point is reached, little can be done for him.

We cannot answer the riddle. We know that while the alcoholic keeps away from drink as he may do for months or years, he reacts much like other men. >> Thank you.

>> Is that too? >> What? >> No >> Yeah.

No See, we don't react that much like other men. Drunk horse. Physically and mentally different.

You see, I had a guy in in my treatment center. He said, "Oh, I'm out of here, Mick." I said, "What do you mean you're out of here?" He said, "Well, I'm much like other men." It says so in the book. "I'm 60 days sober." He said, "I'm much like other men.

I'm cured." I said, "What do you mean you're cured, you sick bastard?" He said, "Book says I'm much like other men." Well, I'm 60 days sober. I'm much like other men. I'm sober now.

I'm out of here. 4 months, died, went to Vegas. >> Got involved much like other men.

Books wrong. People don't like hearing the books wrong. Even Joe and Charlie when I when I went over to these sort of things because they hiccup and pass things like this over.

I said, "Why don't you talk about it?" They said, "Well, we don't like being controversial and we don't like I said, you bloody fence sitters, you know." Anyway, yeah, but that that is true. We're not like other men, drunk or sober. We and we have to realize that, too, you know.

Next. Anybody? Next.

There was someone here. Yes. Here.

Hi, my name is Amanda. I'm an alcoholic. >> Hi, Amanda.

>> Hi. My question is, can you can you talk a little bit more about the hitting of the bottom? Because you said that that it was turning to God.

There was the real part. >> Hitting bottom. Yeah.

Not mentioned in the program, but is mentioned on page uh 86 when Bill and Bob are doing the third man on the bed. Hitting bottom. Hi T B O T T O M.

hurting inside, totally burnt out, turn to our master. See, hitting bottom is the process that brings us back to the power we've abandoned to ask for help. See, the disease has gotten me to abandon God and spirituality, whatever concept you've got of that.

And I haven't got it in my life when I get here to Alcoholics Anonymous. But in desperation and despair, I scream out and ask for help. And I'm asking the power greater than myself that I've abandoned that never abandoned me.

Hit bottom. Hi T B O T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T O M. Hering inside, totally burnt out, turned to our master.

Now I don't know any alcoholics that came to Alcoholics Anonymous, happy, joyous, and free. Do you And that's the process. And it's so important.

It's not mentioned in the program. And yet, it's so important. In step one of the 12 and 12, Bill insisted that every alcoholic must hit bottom first.

And I wish I had the 12 and 12 here to quote it from you, but you'll have to believe me that it says that, you know. Lady back there. One, two, three.

There was someone back there. Yes. Okay.

Speak up, team. >> Okay. Uh, you were talking something about uh you were a blackout drinker and you didn't know what a blackout was.

>> Yes. >> Can you uh explain a little bit? >> Yes, I learn it here.

A blackout was um direct result of drinking and I didn't know what a blackout was. And I didn't know that you did things in a blackout that you didn't remember. I've been having blackouts all my life and didn't know what one was.

Are there any miracle drinkers in the room? One miracle drinker. >> Okay.

No miracle drinkers. Okay. Anybody ever go out drinking and have a miracle develop in front of their very eyes?

>> Anybody ever go out drinking and drink somebody goodlook? See, see, I I go out drinking and I have no control over the response that I'm going to have. I black out all over.

I never even knew what a blackout was. And I've been having them all my life. It's a direct result of drinking.

And what a blackout is is one of the first physical signs of brain damage. Brain damage is not physically detectable. You can sit there crazy as aloon.

Nobody's going to say anything to you till you get up and start acting crazy. But blacking out is one of the first physical signs of wet brain. And and it never gets better.

It only ever gets worse. And I blacked out. I came out of a blackout once walking down the street in Spain.

I went out drinking in London. I was walking down the street in Spain. I went I went through like customs.

So, I've crossed a continent and I was walking down the street with an Eskimo chick. Don't we find them? Don't we find them?

Us Alis, you know, some days, you know, you you go out drinking and you drink somebody good-looking and sometimes you wake up next to it in the morning. Have you ever done that? Wake up next to it.

Some mornings you go, "OH, GET OUT. GET OUT. GET OUT.

UGLY. Get out." She said to me, "You get out. This is my house." And by the same rules, I got released from a maximum security prison as physically clean and sober as I stand before you right now.

I've been physically clean and sober. There is a total difference between sober and sobriety. Sobriety.

S O B R I E T Y. Staying off booze. Recovery is everything to you.

Sober is S O E R. Son of a Everything's real. I've been physically clean and sober many, many times, but never had any sobriety.

I came out of a maximum security prison where I've been away for a long time. Within six weeks, having gone back to the old way of life that I knew, I came out of a blackout in chains in front of a judge on a murder charge and I'd killed a man and I didn't know what I'd done. That's where blackout takes me.

I don't go out drinking and have little slippy poos. I go out drinking and come out of blackouts in change in front of judges on murder charges not knowing what I've done. That's what we do.

That's what blacking out is. There's many many occasions. I'm sure you got many stories yourself.

How we doing timewise, my friend? How how long we got? Okay, we got to we got to wind this up and uh we're going to do a seventh tradition for the for the sake of the hall and stuff.

We must be self-supporting through our own contributions. So, I hope you remember that. Namaste.

God bless. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.

Until next time, have a great day.