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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. Hi, my name is Cliff Roach and I'm an alcoholic.

We love you. This is a group of morons from Farmersville who have a Cliff Roach fan club in Farmersville, California. I remember I went to my high school counselor and I said, "I don't want anything else in life except to have a fan club in Farmersville, California." Kind of gets you here, doesn't it?

And the leader of them is a nitwit named Grass. I didn't make that up. His name is grass.

And all the guys in that group say, "I I really love grass." It's 8. It's 7:29 for the clockwatchers. I don't want anybody getting nervous.

We talked here. My Alanon and I, we talked here 19 years ago. Can you imagine?

and we've wanted to come back ever since. Uh I hope we do better this time. You did good today, honey.

Uh, and we probably never would have got back except that Stevie and Roger down here were romance on the AA campus 19 years ago. She hit on him. He was a newcomer.

and uh she brought him up here to triumph over him and uh they were entranced with our talks. They oh god and so uh they've been close to us ever since. Uh Steviey's all lobbyed to help her sponsor Roger.

Uh and I uh I deeply appreciate the small things I get to do. They've been harassing this committee now for I don't know how many years. Got to get papa.

Finally this year they said a for Christ sakes. All right. Bring back the two from Oceanside wherever the hell that is.

So here we are. Thank you Stevie and Roger. And thank you to the committee Lou and everybody's been so good to us.

And thanks to Kevin and his wife who just they just drag us around. He jumps in the car. I And uh you know the last time I talked here, you know, I was thinking about coming back.

Remember the last time we were here, we we were in some cabin somewhere. We walked everywhere on the you know, and we rushed around and went saw the mountain and everything. And that was 19 years ago.

And I've had bypass surgery since then. And and I was 61 then. I was riding big waves then.

And it got this car. You have to get a step ladder to get in. And it's kind of hard to breathe up here, isn't it?

You know, no, you haven't noticed that. Okay. But anyway, we're really, really, really, really glad to be here again.

Uh I had told someone today that the the first time we talked to to me all the years that I've been speaking today is one of the top three experiences I ever had was here at uh in in this meeting. And let's not spoil it tonight. Huh?

Please. Uh I had just won World War II. And I was attending college at San Jose State College uh in uh and on the GI Bill, which I had richly deserved.

And every morning I had a 7:30 a.m. class and my buddy and I would march to class each morning. We were used to it, you know, early in the morning.

We had a 7 a.m. class. We were going through St.

James Park there in downtown San Jose one morning. As we marched through the park, we heard this noise and my buddy Richie and I turned and looked and there was this uh I don't know if you call it remnant of a human being on the bench there. Uh I guess he'd been a male at some time and he was so dirty he shined and and oozing from him from every orphice.

Is that clear enough? Uh and the stench was horrendous. We both wretched and we hurried our way through the park and we got to the other side of the park and my buddy Richie said, "That guy was an alcoholic." So I knew what you looked like.

And I made a picture in my little mind here of what an alcoholic looked like. And the picture almost killed me. It damn near killed me.

Now, why I should be in the dark about alcoholism is unknown to me now. My mother died of alcoholism on Skid Row in Los Angeles when she was 43 years old. She fell down a flight of stairs and broke her neck in a drunken stouper.

And they call her death accidental fall. My dad died young of alcoholism. My aunts and uncles died of alcoholism.

My grandparents died of alcoholism. My sister died of alcoholism. I'm the only one left cuz I went to the ANA.

You know, I'm not an alcoholic because uh we have the gene. You know, most of you are familiar with the genetics nowadays and they say that the genes have a lot to do. They call it they impel us.

In my family, the DNA just add boost. That's it. It's all you know.

It's supposed to be a recessive gene, you know, not in the roach family. It's a dominant gene. Little blue gene down at the end on the chromosome going, "Hey, one more baby.

One more." And I'm not an alcoholism because of my family, because of my genetic structure. Uh, when I was new in AA, I was a surfer, dude. And a good spot to surf was in Ventura.

And right near the the big surf break there in Ventura was the courthouse where a AA member there, a judge, his name was Dick Heaton. When I came on the program, there's a head nod. He had like 30 years when I came on the program.

And he was also beside being a judge, he was the president of Mensa. That's the smart people's club. You know, I learned to spell that a couple of weeks ago.

Uh, and I would get out of the water there from surf, you know, I shower off and then I'd go up to the courthouse and knock on the door and the gal let me in. He'd come back from the bench and have coffee with me. You know, I was a newcomer and he was so kind to me and he was a brilliant, brilliant man.

But he and another member of Mensah before he came to the program, he and another brilliant member of Mensah studied alcoholism while drinking. And they studied alcoholism for two years. They almost died.

And after two years, these two brilliant men came to the conclusion alcoholism is caused by drinking. Who would have thought, huh? And so, like probably like you, I became an alcoholism by drinking.

I've always been an alcoholic. I've never been a social drinker. I don't know what the hell social drinkers do.

I don't know why they drink, morons. Did you ever drink with those weenies? Oh, come on.

You know, you take the cap off, you go, they say, "I'll get it. I'll get it. I don't trust people like that.

Do you? And I'm a wild and crazy drunk. I love fighting.

I used to say I like fighting better than sex. That's called step two. I love fighting.

I would fight every chance I get. I never won, but I love fighting. I want to tell this story because I like to tell it when we have signers.

Remember the late Dick? Uh Dick, what's his name? Well, anyway, this guy used to when he talked, I used to love to be with him when they had sinus cuz he always said, "I love to drink cuz when I drank, I had brass balls that clanged when I walked." So, I always quote him whenever there's a But uh one time four other guys and I went down from Bakersville, California down to uh Long Beach to have a good time.

And I I woke up in the morning in this flea bag hotel where we were staying. And I thought I was blind. And I had bled face down on this pillow all night.

See, and it dried. So when I come up, the pillow came with me. See, I'm smothered in there.

I'm terrified. So this other guy and I took There's a sink in the corner. We threw water on the I almost drowned, you know.

Finally went and uh we got the pillow off. There was this mirror in the dresser. I said, "Put the pillow back." Oh my god.

I look like Quasamodo. You know what I mean? But I always tell a story cuz I always remember the guys that were with me.

These four guys were my pals. They said, "You were great, Roach. You got up 19 times." Kind of friends I had my whole life, you know.

But I met Mrs. Roach, my Alanon, whom you heard this afternoon. I always like to introduce my Alanon.

You know how they introduce us. Have you met my alcoholic? Sit up, boys.

Sit up. Sit. Tell them how long you've been sober.

Anyway, I met her in college. She was down on Skidro looking for an alcoholic to abuse her. And uh you're looking to be abused, you got your boy here, I'll tell you for sure.

And we entered this 20-year suicide pack together. And uh as she said this afternoon, we had we had a dual disease. We had alcoholism and Catholicism.

Consequently, we had a kid every 9 months and 20 minutes. What it seemed like to me. Anyway, every time I come, I have a blackout.

What the hell is that? You know, they're okay. They're okay when they're little.

They're like kittens, but they grow. And the older they got, the weirder they got. God knows the weirder she got.

And I was the head nut. And after a few years, I became a school teacher. guy commits felonies and blackouts, becomes a school teacher.

Just a hobby. Lighten up. Uh, and I taught uh, as Pat said this afternoon, I taught my first three years in Mantika.

I don't have to go to purgatory now. Uh, and after three and we moved to Oceanside, California, which is just 30 mi north of San Diego, right on the Blue Pacific. And that's where I spent my whole career.

And that's where I intend to die, unless I go too soon here tonight. Uh, and anyway, uh, I was a very successful school teacher, if that's not a oxymoron. Uh, I love teaching and the kids love me and I love the kids.

I did a hell of a job as a high school teacher, some college, but primarily high school. Somebody asked my Alan on one time how come her husband's such a good high school teacher, and she said, "Well, he's a very well educated adolescent." I hate it when they're accurate and cruel, don't you? But anyway, that did well at Oceanside.

And then after, of course, after movie being a macho drinker. What What meeting are you guys running? What's the name of your meeting?

She's learning to read. As I was saying before, I so crudely interrupted. Uh, old and fun.

Uh it's uh now I lost my place. Anyway, I was teaching there at Oceanside High and I became a surfer dude because all macho guys become surfer dudes if they live by the beach and I loved surfing. Oh, I loved it.

I loved it. I loved it. I surfed until I was 74 years old.

Well, many people do that, you know, after the bypass and everything. You should should have seen me out there that last couple of years. But the kids love me.

They just love me. They say, "Help Mr. Roach back on his board." There you go.

But in ' 64, uh um my buddy uh Rich and buddy Woody and I got this uh guy gave us this building to use right down on the beach and we had a surfboard shop right on the water. Can you imagine? Right there on the sand.

It was had been an abandoned bar, as a matter of fact. And the mayor of the town was just sitting on it, you know, to make money later, which she did. And we had to fix it up and paint it, put windows in, and got a refrigerator.

And uh few months later, we got some surfboards, too. No big hurry there. Can you imagine for a couple of budding drunks?

Can you imagine? Right on the water every evening. We became sunset connoisseurs.

We used to measure sunsets by martinis. Somebody come down and say, "I'd like to run aboard." Screw off, Charlie. We're watching the sunset.

Real tight. Best one we ever had was a 15 martini sunset. Oh, you should have seen it.

It was glorious. And the sun and Woody and I went right together. They found us in the morning with sunburned mouths.

Remember that? I think that ought to be on the 20 questions. You ever had a sunburn mouth?

Ah, get the hell out of here. Come back when you're ready, pal. You know, but we did really well.

But in uh February of 1965, I went down on a Sunday morning to repair a board was freezing cold. We were weren't open. We were back teaching school again.

And I had a hangover on Sunday morning. Imagine that. And uh I was real thirsty.

And I went to the refrigerator to see where this coke cuz I was not a morning drinker in ' 64 uh 65 whatever it was. Uh I was a weekend drinker. Remember take Wednesday off.

Get off my back. I'm a weekend drinker. Shut up.

And uh so anyway, I was real thirsty and I opened the refrigerator and and Woody had been there the night before and he'd left about oh maybe this much vodka in a half a pint. My dad would have called it a lick in the smell and I was feeling it. So I there was some orange juice and I thought, "Oh god, that'll put the fire out." So, I mixed up that little dinky drink and I drank it down and I went on about my business and uh we had some new people here tonight.

Welcome. Can you imagine that little girl with two years coming all the way up here everybody going? You got me up here going two days.

Come up to the front. Oh yeah. Wait for me, pal.

God love you. You know, read that book. Uh we signed it for you.

You can read that part, too. And anyway, I uh that little drink, I drank that little drink and I was standing on the board and that little tiny bit of vodka got in my bloodstream. You know how it'll do?

How you certain talked to me and my mind said, "Shame on you. Shame on you." That was Woody's booze you drank. Why don't you go up to the liquor store and get old Woody a pint?

It's the kind of guy I am. You know what I mean? That afternoon I got Woody a fifth and I ended up just bore eyed drunk.

My dad would call it just resin all over me. The board was screwed forever. Shock was a mess.

Crawled home literally on my hands and knees 11 blocks. got up the next morning, called Ralph, remember him, for an inordinate amount of time. And I lurched out and said to my wife at that time, she having those pre-alon ticks in the eye by then.

Uh, it was a marine town. We couldn't let her go downtown doing that all and uh I said to my little bride, I said, I I got to do something about my drinking. I'm getting drunk when I don't even mean to.

Most of the time I meant to, you know, and the little devil, she'd cut this thing out of the paper about the ANA. I don't know why she'd thought to do that. And it said what it's always said.

The only, as far as I know, the only ad we've ever had said, if you want to drink, that's your business. If you want to quit, call Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't know about you, but I love it.

I think it's perfect. We're not a treatment center and we're not a hospital and we're not a halfway house. We're not a do good society.

Hell, we're not even very nice people. But that little gal with the two days, if you want to stay sober, this room is filled with people who go to the ends of the earth for you. Who will go to the ends of the earth for you if you want to quit drinking.

If you would rather drink, have at it, pal. I don't care. So anyway, I called the ANA cuz she was looking at me and uh we only had like maybe 12 meetings in the whole North County in that those days and I went to about three of them and uh I realized I'd been hasty.

Got to jump the gun here. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, they seem to have the collective IQ of an orange.

Oh, I tried to help him. Uh, about the third night, I'm laid a little nichy on him. And this one guy said, "Hey, we keep it simple here." I said, "No kidding.

You're going to fool me, Leroy." They used to have a meeting on Sunday night there, little meeting there, maybe 40 people. They would bring people in from outside. And I went to that meeting every month whether I needed it or not.

And uh I would skullk in the back door, get the losers chair, you know, the one right by the door, and I would fold my arms, and I would judge the speakers. Sounds to me like everybody's name was Clim, his wife's name was Martha. They'd been out of bib overalls about an hour and a half.

And aside from the tardation, they had drunk too much and they had drunk too much for three years and it started really interfering with their lives. So they'd come here to the ANA and they had put the and returned to being good, decent, happy, sincere, worthwhile folk again. They had been rehabilitated.

My hero was a in 1965 was a guy named Eldridge Cleaver. He was a black militant terrorist. That was my hero.

My politics were blow it up or burn it down. I didn't give a which I was for peace. And if you weren't for piece of chicken and old elders had given his speech a few months earlier and he was talking about the prison system in California about how they're always trying to rehabilitate him.

He says you know what they've never known he had never been. You can't rehabilitate somebody who's never been habilitated. I don't know, but that's how I felt in the ANA.

At some point, Clem and Martha in their wretched lives have been okay. I don't know about you, but I have never been okay. I have always been insane.

I walked on the edge of psychosis my whole life. When I was four years old, we lived in Venice, California. I was four years old.

I used to stand on the speedway, wait for a car. When a car would come, I'd go, Then I'd wait for another like a little soldier at his post. You know, didn't know how to do this yet, you know.

That's how I felt when I was four. But I lived my life by anger and violence, vendetta, and I was totally insane. And that's how I lived.

And so, uh, I resigned from AA. It didn't have any meaning for me. And for the next five years, I was in and out of AA.

I was an AA loser. If they ever have a losers hall of fame, out of a bus ride by the door. I'm a losers loser.

I'm an overeducated pompous ass smirking loser. I had the head bobbed down even. Oh man.

And every time I came to AA, these guys would tell me, "It's going to get worse if you go back out there." And I'd go back out there and it get worse. See, I almost died of alcoholism because I'm a functioning alcoholic. Now, you know the good stories.

You hear the great stories of people been on death row and Skid Row and murdered 37 people. Things give you stature on the program. You know what I mean?

Uh, I'm a functioning alcoholic. Now the the experts whoever the hell they are the experts say that 95 to 97% of us who die of the disease of alcoholism who become dead from alcoholism or people like mwah people who get up every day and go to work and do the job and do it better than you do it better than anybody I'm a goer and a doer and an achiever a functioning ing alcoholic. My buddy at home says a functioning alcoholic is one whose wife works.

Don't tell that meeting. Now, they do not find that amusing. As a matter of fact, it makes them go.

You're married guys. Do you remember that? Don't you think you had a few too many?

As I say, you had a few too few. That's your problem, lady. Have a couple of loosened up for God's sake.

You know, oh, on this one, the shoes worse. They're worse kind. She was a counter.

You have one of those, huh? That's your fifth one today. Shut up and eat your breakfast, will you?

Leave me there. And uh the week I came to Alcoholics Anonymous this time. The week I came this time I weighed 163 lbs at 4% body fat.

I used to surf for like 3 hours and then get out and run 5 miles. I could bench 285. Took me 25 minutes to pass a mirror.

And for for God's sakes, don't ask me for directions. I say it's right over. My daughters used to get money from me all the time.

They went I didn't have a shirt on, which was most of the time. And they'd come up and say, "Vup up, daddy. V up." They go, "Oh, oh, can I have $10?" "Yeah, I sure.

I hate to tell you I was two years sober before I figured that out. What do you mean alcoholic? I'm an Adonis for God's sakes.

And I was one of the top three debate coaches in the United States. That's an honor roughly equivalent to being one of the top three prostitutes in Elco, Nevada. Among speech coasters, it's a big deal, you know.

I became a speech coach by accident. The principal called me in one day, which he was want to do, and he had gotten this flyer in the mail about a debate in a speech tournament which was being held 30 mi down the road at San Diego State, and he was all excited about it. I was teaching a speech class.

He said, "Why don't you take some of your kids? I better really be good for them." So, I, you know, being in trouble. I said, "Oh, what a good idea." I found six or eight dodos.

We went down the road and we were amazed when we got there. There were like 50 schools participating, maybe 500 contestants. All the boys were in three-piece suits with vests and ties.

All the girls these lovely business clothes. We're in Levis's and sweatshirts. What the hell do we know?

And they slaughtered us. They killed us. We did not win around.

I mean, they ground us in the dirt, what they did. What kind of drunk you are, but I don't care for losing. And I went in the coach's room.

There were about 20 of them in there. They're all pals or buddies doing this all the time. And they ignored me, it seemed to me.

So, I hung around all day. You know who you are. Snub you more that way.

You hang around. One guy there really pissed me off. He had a lot of hair.

That bothered me right away. Uh, no, not just hair. I mean, one of those silver manes, gorgeous nine barbers to get it right.

He had about a $1,000 suit on. The other coaches did this when they went in front of me. At 2:00 in the afternoon, this prince of coaches, this gay-haired cretton turns to me and says, "Where are you from?" God, I was grateful to be spoken to finally.

I said, "Ohide." He said, "Oh, where's that?" 30 miles up. He gave me a resentment. I don't mean a resentment.

I mean a resentment. And I went back to Oceanside High and I built me a speech team. Took me two or three or four or five years, but I built a monster speech team.

I built a juggernaut speech team and I did it with sheer hatred. Do you know how much work that is? to make 150 people do what they don't want to do.

You have any idea what you go through for that? From 7 in the morning till 9:30, 10:00 at night in their faces screaming, yelling, coaching. Guy next door used to say, "I'd love him while he's watching your room wiping the spit off their glasses." You know, and this reporter said to my to my captain, "What's the secret of your coach's success?" The kid said, "Terror.

She wasn't lying. She's the chairman of the speech department and the chancellor of women's studies at San Francisco State College today. Didn't do her any harm.

You know, poor old Bobby Knight. They fired him for choking one guy. And it was a guy.

Oh god, that's hard work. See, I'm a functioning alcoholic. I don't touch a drop of booze all day out in the glove compartment of the car waiting for me.

It's about half a pint of hot vodka. I love to talk about hot vodka alon meetings. They go, "Hey, you and I know, huh?" And it would just call to me all day that half a fight.

Go get him, Cliff baby. I'm waiting, darling. And I'd just go through that day and not eat anything all day, drink 300 cups of coffee and stay pissed off.

That last kid would leave this roach. I'd lurch out to that 58 Chevy station wagon, my surfing car, and I'd get in that car and I'd open up that half a pint of hot vodka. What a way to end a day, huh?

Like that cheap stogy and go. I always drank half the half pint, didn't you? Is there anything like hot vodka into the bloodstream?

The muscles relaxed and the brain would subside. And I'd puff on that stogy. God damn, you're a good coach.

And I finished that half a point and uh I would sit there in the darkness of that 58 Chevy of mine on an abandoned school lot and I would have my eight minutes. This is my story. I don't know what the hell your story is, but in my case, after I drink about a half an hour, something happens to me and I have about 8 minutes where everything in my life is all right, where I am enough for about eight minutes.

And then I would in all the years that I was in and out of AA a loser, I never once told you about the eight minutes, not once. And then I would go home and destroy my family. I really start drinking when I would get home.

And Pat this afternoon was talking about our five kids. And I'm a raging alcoholic. I'm a violent alcoholic and an abusive alcoholic and a mean, satirical, bad drunk.

And I got drunk the last seven or eight years every night at home. And I turned that house into an insane asylum. I was raised in an insane asylum.

I thought my folks were bad. I made them look good. The late 60s now, huh?

Three of my kids are in high school in the late 60s. Oldest son is working his way through high school as a hashy salesman. Never had to give him any spitting money.

I'll guarantee. I said hit him up for a fifth about once a week. Yeah.

Dad, what do you need? You know, had hair done to his butt and his head went like this all the time. Called his mother, man.

Hey, man. What's for dinner? Loved LSD.

Oh, he loved LSD. A lot of you remember you see things when you take LSD. You're right in the middle of Sensei.

Say, "What was that? what the shape I'm in at the time. I said, "I don't know what was it.

Where grandma was living." She said, "I'll explain it." Oh my god. So I destroyed my family. Uh no human power could have re could have saved my family.

No h it's too late. It was a totally destroyed seven group of people. Just it's too late.

No human power could help my family. But I built that speech team dying of alcoholism. And I built that speech team.

And after a couple years, my team won one of those tournaments. But I didn't say anything to the great hair guy. Wasn't time yet.

We know when it's time, don't we? Huh? The next year there were, I think, 14 tournaments with 30 schools in each tournament.

My team took first place in every single tournament. I can wait. I think revenge is better than Christmas.

The next year there was a tournament. There were 25 schools competing in the tournament and my team scored more sweep stakes points than the other 24 schools combined. Then I went up to that gay-haired guy.

Remember him? I put my nose right against his and I said, "Do you know where Oceanside is now? He just looked blank.

He said, "What are you talking about?" I said, "Don't you remember four or five years ago?" You said to me, "O Oceanside. Where's that?" And he said, "We just moved here from Nebraska. I didn't know where it was.

The story of my life. Four or five years. This guy's in bed every night in San Diego.

I'm up in those how it gets here. I'm going to tell you guys a story that I I don't very often tell cuz I love you. This group I got to tell you.

My wife's going, "Oh, she's not." If this offends anybody, I'm really sorry, but I want We got a lot of new people. I want you to know you don't get all well here. several years a number seven or several years ago I had a prostate trim.

Uh and I was in I had a lot of trouble with it. I mean it was it was bad. I was in a lot of pain.

So I put up with it for about a month. Finally I just called a doctor. You know child little girl came out and said doctor's office.

I said this is Cliff Roach. That butcher ruined the whole god. I'm in terrible pain here.

And I told her where it was and where it moved to. I did about 10 minutes ending with I pissed the bed a couple times. For Christ's sakes, I didn't do that when I was drunk.

And the little girl said, "Mr. Roach, this is your eye doctor's office. So, if you're new here, we don't get all well here.

But I want to tell you what's different is I started laughing and she started laughing and we laughed. I was on the floor laughing and we screamed and we laughed. So, a couple of weeks later, I went into the eye doctor's office and I said, "Where's Evelyn?" And they said, "Right over there." I said, "Evelyn, I'm Mr.

Roach." Evelyn said, "Oh, hi, Mr. Roach." And everybody else in the office went, "Oh, lousy fake. But right after I had that uh that event with the gray-haired guy, my wife and I had one of our main events, which the neighbors have come to miss so much.

Our neighbors never got television till after I got sober, did you? We were always the entertainment for the neighborhood. Hey, he's coming back.

He's coming back. You know, they'll have those Venetian blind marks on their forehead, you know. But anyway, she threw me out.

What she did, I said I was going to move out and everybody said, "Yeah, that's what she threw me out." I'm living down at the beach with my buddy and his girlfriend where I wanted to live anyway. I'd said if I can unload that witch and those long-haired doofing children, I could drink like a gentleman again. And I'd gotten rid of them and it wasn't working.

And I was I was drunk, but I I missed work, which would always been my badge of courage. And I felt like my life was slipping between my fingers. And I went by the house one afternoon, ranging my wife about money, and the hashy salesman was kind of bobbing in the background there, humming a tune from the subplanet Pluto.

And uh as I look back and I said, "Dumbest thing I ever did in my life." I turned to him and I said, "Dave, what's it like not to have your old man around the house?" And my 16-year-old boy looked me right in the eye and he said, "It's beautiful." And uh I'm standing here tonight coming up on 37 years sober. And uh and I'm standing here tonight because of the courage of a 16year-old kid. That's right.

He had a lot of reason to be physically afraid of me. I was a lot tougher on him than any of the other kids even. But he was honest enough to look me in the eye and tell me what I really was.

And I went back to that dump at the beach and ranted and raved and snived in wh. But I did not take a drink that afternoon. It had been a long time since I had not taken a drink that afternoon.

Save some of that for me for after the meeting. God damn relatively. Uh anyway, uh I sat out in the screen porch there and I watched uh I watched the most beautiful sunset that I've ever seen.

It was one of those where the sky and the and the water and the wet sand all the same magenta color and uh as the sun was going down into the ocean I I had or I guess you had or you wouldn't be here tonight aa or Allen on I had what our big book calls the moment of clarity. My friend Paulie calls it the moment of grace. the gift grace.

And I went in the bedroom and I dug out the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, which I had read in one of my travels through the program. Being an English teacher, I thought it was very poorly written. Newcomer gal.

It read a lot better this time. And I read the big book for three days and three nights. I called in sick.

I didn't go to work. I ate a little bit, slept even less. And I read the big book and I read it cover to cover if you're new.

I read all the stories. I read the appendix in the back. And on the third time through the book on the 13th of January, 1970 at 3:00 in the morning, I was on page 63 again.

And on page 63, if you're new, there's a little prayer. And the prayer is step three. I've always called it the formal terms of surrender.

And I knelt down on that filthy filthy lenolium floor on that dump of the beach where I was living. And I read that prayer out loud to myself. I read, "God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and to do with me as you will.

Relieve me of the bondage of self." And I've heard maybe 200 fisteps in my years in the program. And the number one defect of character of every man I've ever worked with is selfobsession. And uh I had an experience on my knees there that morning on the 13th of January 1970.

And uh for years I tried to tell you what happened to me. And three years ago, this little gal in the grapevine article, she did the same thing I had done 32 years before. She was in a treatment center.

She's 17. She's 25, 22 now. And she did exactly what I had done 32 years before.

She knelt down in that treatment center and read the third step prayer out loud to herself. And in the article, she said, "I was engulfed by a great laughing love." That'll do it for me. A great laughing love.

And I have not had a drink since that time. And that night I was at Bill Blake's house. This little electrician my wife talked about today.

He had been a Skidro wine over there in Oceanside. was sober eight years. One of those AA fanatics you hate when you're a loser.

You know, you come in the door and they punch on you like carrying. He's always saying, he used to say stupid things to me like, "You want to go up to Los Angeles with us tomorrow night?" No. What I used to want to say is I I can't stand you guys here.

What the hell? I want to drive a 100 miles, meet some more of you, you know. But I would just say, "No, thank you." and but he was always there.

Very annoying man. But that night I was at his door and that's one of the two things that I'll talk about anytime I ever give an AA pitch. I'm a loser.

I'm a five-year overeducated pompous smirking loser. Margie Bill's wife opened the door. Here he is on the porch.

Loser. Are you new tonight? I have never seen anyone so glad to see me in my life.

Can you imagine? She said, "Cliff." Oh. And I go pours me a cup of coffee.

She said, "Oh, this is wonderful. This is great." She said, "Bill's been crazy lately." He had nobody to work with. Oh, this is so then Bill comes in.

Clap. Half an hour. I'm thinking anything else I can do to help you folks out.

Glad to help any way I can. Cliff's here. We can start aa now.

But you know, three weeks later, I was in a newcomer meeting and one of the other newcomers said, "What do you mean this is a selfish program?" And when the guy asked the question, I knew the answer. I got the answer the night I got here. They were glad for me.

They've been praying for me for 5 years. But they were more glad for Bill and Margie because they knew the great secret. You can't have it unless you give it away.

You can't stay here unless you're willing to give it away. And these people on the committee up here with me, they know what I'm talking about. That goofkin with the taping, he he knows what I'm talking about.

He spends every weekend of his life making records of jerks like me. Can you imagine that? I love to see these kids when they show up all these they're everywhere and they carry the message their way.

Got a guy in my home group if you're new he will find you. Oh, he will find you. He's on an antenna.

I don't know how in the hell he does it. My sponsor Bill was probably the worst speaker in the history of AA. He was so self-conscious when he would he was awful.

He used to say, "I spoke everywhere in AA once." But you put my sponsor, Bill, in the front seat of a car with a newcomer. He was magic. Nobody ever escaped him.

No one ever escaped him. And he was Oh, he was mean. Thank God.

I wouldn't be here tonight if he'd been a nice guy. He was rotten mean. Oh, I think the nicest thing he said to me the first 5 years was, "Shut up.

Shut up." Well, I told him I have degrees, you know. He said, "So does the thermometer." You know where they stick that sometimes. I thought the first step was shut up and get in the car.

when he had a colorful adjective before car. Just shut up and get in the car in the back seat on the hump. There's a method to that, too.

I mean, if you're the guy in the backseat on the hump, you become a 12steper. You find a new guy. Hey, come with us.

You want to talk about love? He took me to a meeting every night for 2 years. You want to talk about love?

He took me to a meeting every night for two years. First it was just me, then Al came, then Skip, then Bernie, then Bob, then the other Al. He loved being called the other Al.

Uh, then we had Carlos of guys. We drove all over Southern California. We went to all the meetings in Southern California where people were laughing.

He knew me. I can't stay here. I'm sorry.

If I have to be a mop, I'm not going to stay here. Oh, the laughter of how he took me to meet where people were had their heads back roaring with laughter. Don't you love it?

Is there anything? It's the spiritual part of the program. There's no doubt about it.

Nothing I laugh at will ever come back and haunt me again. The stuff I used to lie awake all night, my teeth grinded and my stomach turning. It's funny now to hell with it.

Oh, listen. If you're new to nine, you're troll laughing at yourself. See me after the meeting.

I'll be glad to help you. Oh my god, we had fun. one of those meetings where they I'd love to get me a brand new scuzzbag guy, you know, take him to a meeting and take him to another meeting and take him to another meeting.

Maybe at the 12th or 13th or 14th meeting, he's sitting beside me and he goes, "Oh, I got you." Now, allons are even worse. Pat and I, we get brand new little Allens. We take him to AA speaker meetings like this, you know, and get her in between us where she can't escape, you know, and some goofs up here, some AA guy.

I fell to the Christmas tree and smashed all the presents. You know, we all go, "Yeah, this new Allen sitting there, not funny to her. So, we just take her to another meeting tomorrow night." And one night she throws her head back and laughs.

Once we get you laughing, we got you cuz you know you belong. Clancy talks about great tunnel minis. You ever heard him talk about that where the six guys sit around a table every week and stay sober.

You have to have hemorrhoids to get the expression just right. And sobriety is like this long gray tunnel and you trudge. Every year a trap door opens and a cake comes down.

You've been to those meetings, haven't you? Yeah. Hey, don't wait for me, baby.

Don't wait for me. I'm gonna go where they're having a good time. And when I was do whatever was wrong in my life, I had lots wrong in my life.

Lots wrong. kids on drugs. Wife wouldn't go to Alanon.

Owed a billion dollars. Didn't have a brass razu. And I would go to my sponsor's house.

I would sob and tell him all the troubles I was having. You know what they're doing over there now? And he would always listen courteously.

You know how they listen? I always found it's good to make a noise as well. Like, oh, that way they think you're paying attention.

And I would finally I would run down. I finally said and he would say, "Go get Al and take him to the meeting." What the hell has that got to do with the nervous breakdown? What is that?

It's like asking a guy, "What time is it?" The horse is dead. doesn't make any sense. So, I would go get Al.

And I hated Al. He was a bigger loser than me. He was a 10ear loser.

I was only a 5-year loser. He had no driver's license, of course. And I'd drive the big blow hard to the meeting.

bad. We'd set the meeting up, make the coffee, and everybody come, everybody go home. We'd set the meeting down, wash the coffee.

But they had real cups. He had to wash cuz he was so shaky. He just put his hands in the water, you know.

But I could drive you know, load the blow hard the car, drive him home, blah blah blah blah blah. And I'd let Al off and I'd start driving home and this feeling would come over me. Would start right here and it just spread out all through my scared the hell out of me.

It felt so good. Only lasted 40 seconds, you know, but I thought it's cuz I got rid of Al. But then I stood at the door and greeted which I hated very much you know and I mopped up your spilled coffee and I went on all these 12step calls and got to see the light come on in men's on I was I did the things which I thought were stupid things he made me do which turned out to be service and I kept that feeling kept getting better and better better than the 8 minutes ever was you know what the feeling is.

It's a feeling of being enough. I don't know about you, but I was never enough of anything in my life. And the actions that I've taken in Alcoholics Anonymous made it possible for me to be enough almost every day of my life.

And we did the steps, too. Kathy last night talked beautifully on the steps, especially about steps six and sevens, which separates the winners from the losers. If you're not willing to change, you better go get back to drinking.

Then Kathy talked beautifully on steps six and seven last night when they, you know, he we did those steps till he was happy with me. It wasn't when I was satisfied, till he was satisfied. And if you're new tonight, the program is 1 through 12.

That is the program. Step 1 through 12. The rest of it is all fun and games and I love every second of it.

But the program is 1 through 12. And he told me cuz I was He told me cuz I was a brilliant intellectual. They numbered them for me.

1 2 Alcoholism is the only prison where the locks are on the inside. And he gave me the 12 keys to let me out. I love these people nowadays with the steps.

They study the steps. They listen to tapes about the steps. They meditate on the steps.

They shrink them real small and put them in their navl. They choose the steps. They told me I had to do them.

I had to do the steps. always whenever you hear these people on this meditating on the steps always think about the the old priest is back in the sacry and the young priest has been out in the front of the church and he comes running back and he says father you'll never guess what happened said a young man came in the back of the church and he he was on two crutches two crutches and he took some holy water and he threw it on the left side and he threw away the crutch and he took some holy water threw it on the right side and he threw away the crutch and the man see it's a miracle where's the young man he to flatten his ass out by the holy water. Little parable for you.

And so I've taken the actions of Alcoholics Anonymous and done the footwork in Alcoholics Anonymous. And uh I look around the world today and I see a beautiful place. Uh when I was I'm like Kathy.

I got put into service real early. By the way, Mother Teresa was in our area a number of years ago and she had a heart attack and a couple buddies of mine were cardiologists took care of her. They said, you know, you couldn't be in the room with her and not know she was a spiritual being.

And some reporter asked her this question and the answer was in the paper and I cut it out and carried it till it rotted away. She said to this reporter, "The fruit of faith is love and the fruit of love is service and the fruit of service is peace. I will comprehend the word serenity and I will know peace and the fruit of service is peace and anybody in this room knows who's really in this program anybody in this room knows you know to give to each other is the ultimate pleasure uh when I was maybe I don't know two years sober one night I couldn't sleep and I was reading the big book that helps Not as good as the service manual, but it's okay.

Oh, if you can't if you have insomnia, get the service man. Oh, you'll be gone in just no time at all. But I, you know, I I got to p the bottom of page 83, the top of page 84, and I saw them almost two years sober.

I saw the promises. I think I saw them because of the actions I had taken. They were started and come true in my life.

Said that I was going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. You know, I would comprehend the word serenity and I would know peace. I would be able to handle situations which used to baffle me like life.

And right in the middle of the promises, that sneaky Bill Wilson, he was the biggest sneak that ever lived. He put how it happens. He put right in the middle so we we'd notice them.

He said, "No matter how far down the scale we're going, we'll see how our experience can benefit others." That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away.

The cure to selfobsession. No matter how far down the scale, our experience could benefit others. One drunk talking to another drunk in the front seat of a car from two to almost three million in 70 years.

one drunk talking to another drunk in the front seat of a car on the way to a meeting. I was reading something of Walt Whitman the other day and he was talking about God. Why should I want to see God better than this day?

I see God every day and every hour of the day in the eyes of the men and women I see God in my own eyes in the glass. Thank you. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise.

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