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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. Hey everybody, my name is Chris and I am an alcoholic and I love Canada.

Yeah. You know, I I I'll tell you what I've noticed over the years is that Canadians, you're you're a lot like Americans, but you're nice. you you you know and uh and I really do I really do love coming up here.

I I always I always feel uh I always feel so welcomed. Um, so, so my job is to talk about the first step and and that that's kind of a that's kind of a good task because I I can I can use a lot of my story um to highlight some of the things that I had to uh I had to concede to my innermost self about the condition that I had called alcoholism. And it it's funny.

caught alcoholism six months sober. You know what I mean? Because because what happened was I didn't really know what alcoholism was until I'd been in AA a long a while.

You and people who had real thorough thorough knowledge about uh about the first step uh you know got with me and talked with me about it. Uh if you'd asked me you know are you an alcoholic? Yeah, must be, you know, must be.

Get a lot of DUIs. I I mean, you know, I I just I did I didn't understand the scope of alcoholism. Now, now going back to uh going back to my my first drink, uh prior to my first drink, you probably could have um you probably could have diagnosed me with some type of an anxiety disorder.

All right? And the best way I can describe it was up until alcohol hit my lips for the first time, I was generally uncomfortable with myself and my environment. There was a lot of things I didn't want to do.

There was a lot of situations I felt really weird in. You know, I I I was always really self-conscious in certain, you know, in certain situations. And it there was there was like an angst that I had and and because this is, you know, back in the 60s and 70s and you had to be cool, I I wasn't going to let anybody know that I that I was like really disturbed inside, you know.

I just I just acted as if everything everything was was okay. And I dodged and weaved every time I could. You know, if I could if I could ever get out of something, I'd get out of it.

If I could ever leave, I'd leave just because I was I was always uncomfortable. I give you give an example. I I uh I joined u uh I joined the wrestling team.

I went to one practice. I joined the Boy Scouts. I went on one camp out.

You know, I took guitar lessons. I took two lessons and stole the guitar. I I mean, you know, these things were good ideas, but I would but I'd become uncomfortable in the middle of them, you know.

Now, now here I am. I'm about I'm about 13 years old and me and a couple of my buddies decide we're gonna we're gonna cut school and we're going to get drunk. And that's what we set about doing.

So, we we we cut school and we we went back to my house and I took I took down a bottle of um four roses whiskey and uh Canadian whiskey and poured three big water glasses and me and my two buddies uh got to the business of getting drunk. And what happened with them was I I would think it would be like a normal non-alcoholic reaction to drinking alcohol. They had maybe half of their glass, maybe a little bit more, pushed it back, and they'd had enough.

Does anybody in here ever drink with people that have enough on you? You know, isn't that annoying? Oh, no more for me.

I've had two. What are you crazy? Two.

let's finish the bottle and go to the city, you know, because because that's how I drank, you know, but they had they had, you know, half their glass. I pushed it back and they'd had enough. And and what happened with me was um I finished my glass.

I finished their glasses and I and I put a big curtain on the rest of that bottle and and I went into my first blackout. Uh any uh any blackout drinkers in here? a lot lot of ants.

Let let it be known that there's a lot of ants. Um that's disconcerting, isn't it? You you know, you don't know anything about the night before and you wake up with like w with with with with like broken bones or crashed cars and you don't know what happened.

So, so I went into my first uh my first blackout and I came to in a field about four or five hours later, staggered into the house and and became incredibly sick. You know that first hard liquor sick where you know for like two days all you do is like you can't get off the horizontal plane except to vomit, you know. And I'm just illing like you cannot believe.

And the whole time I'm I'm thinking I'm gonna make this work. You know, I you know this alcohol and I meant it because because here here's what here's what alcohol did for me. And this the best way I can describe it.

This is this is what happened to me about two drinks into that whiskey. ah you know all the anxiety all the self-centered fear you know all the worrying about what you were thinking about me all that stuff washed over me and I'm like this is great this is great you two are my two new best friends you know this is so much this is so cool this is so cool we're going to do this tomorrow you know I mean what it did is it shifted completely my perception on the world and everything was fine and I and and here's the thing I felt connected to you. I felt connected to the universe.

I felt like I was in unity with this thing called life. And if you give me if you give me a substance that is going to do that for me, I'm going to pay attention. And I did.

So from that moment forward, I became very, very preoccupied with alcohol. I'm 13 years old and the drinking age was 21, you know. So, it was problematic, but you know, we are we are resourceful and and and and I found I found ways uh and I also decided right then and there that I was never going to drink Canadian whiskey again because because and I never did to my knowledge.

Um uh being a blackout drinker, I can't really attest to that completely. But uh but I started to I started to ask around the kid the third the other 13-year-olds had started to drink and there was a there was a number of items that they would use. Uh there was uh there was a a company that had a fine line of products uh called Boone Farm and and I started to drink uh some you know uh some apple wine and Strawberry Hill.

Then I discovered Budweiser, you know, and then and then I discovered the schnops and the blackberry brandy and the southern comfort, you know, the the hard liquors that you would you'd never go near once you become a a true full-blooded alcoholic. Uh but but I you know, I was experimenting with them now. Now, right off the get-go, um, I had a lack of control, like I would I would become overserved, you know what I mean?

And, and, uh, and I would miss the mark a lot of times. Uh, I look back on it today and I know what was going on. I know I know what was going on with with because I know about alcoholism now.

But back then I didn't understand it because the people I was around seemed to be able to handle this alcohol. I I need to try harder. I need to I need to learn how to manage this better.

So I tried to, you know, different alcohols. I tried, you know, smoking a lot of pot when I drank and that didn't work real well. You know, I I tried all these different all these different combinations and I'm trying to manage my alcohol consumption.

I'm like 15. You you know what I mean? And uh and it never I never was able I was never able to get a passing grade uh on on that.

I would always overshoot the mark. You know, look looking back looking back here's the thing about here's the thing about the first step. Uh we have an allergy.

If you're an alcoholic, um, Dr. Silkworth, in the doctor's opinion, identifies it as an allergy. An allergy is simply an abnormal reaction to a food or a beverage or a bee sting or whatever.

It's an abnormal reaction. My abnormal reaction is I I come to Topeka with one shoe. You know, that's my abnormal reaction when I when I start to drink.

And what it looks like today, I understand it looking back. What it looks like is when I would take a drink and more alcohol was available, the first drink would ask for the second drink. The second drink would insist on the third.

The third would demand the fourth. And I would want the 27th drink more than I wanted the 26th. Now, now this didn't occur to me in a logical way in my mind.

You know, that's not how it works. It's just like you just grab another drink. you but but looking back at it that part of alcoholism was active in me right out of the gate at age 13 you know when I started to drink the phenomenon of craving would take over the allergy to the body and if there was alcohol available I would continue to drink it there was exceptions you know like when you get arrested or or or you know or you run out uh you know something would separate you from alcohol but if alcohol was there.

I would keep drinking until I was unconscious. That's that's one of the aspects of alcoholism. And it's it's not good news.

You you know what I mean? Especially because of what alcohol did for me. Alcohol made me feel larger than life.

Alcohol made me feel connected to all of you. Alcohol enabled me to dance. There was dancing lessons in those bottles.

You know what I mean? I could I could ask the girls to come out and dance, you know, if if I'm not drinking, it's like I'm hiding in the corner somewhere. Oh, she looked at me.

Oh. Oh. So, so alcohol alcohol, you know, just just opened my world up.

So, I've been I've been trying to manage this this magic stuff, but I've got an allergy that that that that ensures I overindulge and pass the point of of of being, you know, of being sane and sound. And toward the end of my drinking, I was becoming violent and and psychotic. You know, the Dr.

Jackekal, Mr. hide stuff. You know, I would come out of blackouts, you know, and find out what I had did the night before and I was horrified.

So, I'm I'm caught in this thing. I'm caught in this thing with alcohol. I, you know, I can't control it once I use it and I'm, you know, I'm driven to use it.

Now, now I'm, you know, I'm going I'm going through my life and uh if you had an Excel graph, right? You could chart uh you could chart statistically my life going downhill over the years because alcoholism is progressive, right? Over any considerable period of time, it gets worse, it doesn't get better.

And and you could just you could just plot that graph, you know, where my life is is is go is going downhill. And I'm not able to see the truth for the faults about this. I have a mind that allows me to remember very vividly what alcohol does for me and block out the the the situations and the problems and and how my life is going downhill.

I can't I can't see that. You know, part of part of alcoholism is is delusion. Uh and and delusion is just not knowing the truth.

Just not knowing it. You know, denial is denying the truth. You know, it's the it's true, but you're going to deny it.

Delusion is really thinking things are not the way they are. And uh and I wasn't open to a lot of advice from anybody, you know, like like I wasn't I was well, how do you how do you you know, what do you think I should be? You know, I'm not asking anybody.

And and if you and if you're offering me your advice, I'm like, get off my back. I'm not, you know, I'm not interested in you. You know, you know, you're you're telling me not to party.

You don't party. You look, I party. Are you lame?

Hey, do you do you you don't party? You must be lame. You know, I mean, I'm seeing things, you know, in the deluded the deluded uh spectacles of alcoholism and and uh and and over the course of time, uh more and more of my life, more and more pieces of the quality of my life are are disappearing.

You know, there's there's some times in the early days where I had some fun, I think, but but more often than not, more often than not, I I was lying to myself about how much fun I had because it was all I had I so many crazy situations. I'll tell you a couple of couple of crazy situations. All right.

Um I lived about an hour outside in New York City and we would go into New York City. We'd start drinking and we'd drive into New York City to go to concerts like every weekend. This is back in the 70s.

And I got to tell you, every great band, we had the greatest bands in the 70s and and and tickets for like Led Zeppelin were like $8, you know? I mean, we had we had and we would go into New York City every weekend and uh I I remember we were drinking on the way into New York City uh this one time and I think it was a Fog Hat Wishbone ash concert. We all we all drove in there, right?

And we're sitting there listening to some music and my buddy John comes back from the bathroom and he goes, "Hey man, hey man, they're selling LSD in the bathroom. You want to do some LSD?" And there's really only one appropriate answer to that question. Sure.

So So we go into the bathroom and remember we're drunk. We we buy we buy uh we buy blott acid. We take it.

We let like one song go by, right? And we look at each other. We look at each other and we go, "Are you high?" I'm not high.

We must have got ripped off. We must have got ripped off. So, we go back because there's tons of people in the bathroom selling stuff.

We buy some some more and we go back and we sit down and and we wait maybe five minutes. Are you high? No, I'm not high.

No, we got ripped off together. Let's try one more time. So, we go back and we buy we buy more of it.

Now, if you know anything about this particular drug, sometimes it takes like half an hour for All right. By the time the last song is playing, we're like this. I mean, I mean, we're, you know, we're we're like we're like just shot, just freaked out, right?

And uh I I I remember that, you know, the the light light lights are coming up. must leave must leave auditorium, you know, must walk down the aisle. I mean, just freaked out, right?

We get we get out. Now, we had all come we'd all come in a van and we all pile in the van. I remember curling up in a fetal position just trying not to freak out, you know?

And uh and if you're in New York City and you're going back to New Jersey, there's there's only a couple of ways. And one of them is a tunnel, right? So, so we're headed down to the Lincoln Tunnel and and what it looks like is eight lanes, six lanes, four lanes, two lanes tunnel, right?

And we're almost at the tunnel and somebody in the front of the van goes, "Hey, man, we'll never fit." Right? So, so some of us get concerned and we start we start moving toward the front of the van. And he's right.

He's right. It's a mouse hole. Now, I don't know if you've ever tried to back out of the Lincoln Tunnel.

You know, I don't know how Toronto drivers are, but I'll tell you, New York City drivers, you know, they're not afraid to use the horn, you know, and uh took us about 40 minutes to back out. And uh and we took the bridge. It was just it was safer.

Uh, you know, every weekend it was some every weekend it was something something like this. You know, I got in a I got a in a ton of car accidents, too. I remember uh I remember, you know, uh allowing myself to become overserved one more time at a bar and uh and getting in the car, making it about making it about a mile down the road.

The car slides around on ice, hits a bridge going backwards, and I get thrown out the the back window. Right. So, I remember like shaking myself too and my legs are still like in the back seat and I'm laying on the trunk and and I'm like, "Uhoh." Now, it's a 1968 Toyota uh Toyota Celica, right?

So, so it's still running. So, what do you what do you do in a in a situation like this? Now, listen.

The the car there's not a window left in the car. It's bent like a boomerang. It's got three flat tires.

The drive shaft is slapping the frame, you know. I start to drive home. It's going whacka bam whacka bam, you know.

And uh I drive by a cop taking radar and he's like it's like I'm I'm going about a mile an hour. He you know he doesn't even pull me over. He walks me over.

So he he reaches through the broken window and he starts shaking me. Where did you have that accident? You know, glasses flying out of my hair.

I'm like, what accident? What are you hassling me for? You know, it's like, where are you going?

I I go, I'm going home. He goes, where's home? I go, bask your wrench.

He goes, that's 40 miles. Do you have any tires out of the car? You know, you know how they are.

and uh always hassling you. Oh god. You know, I had situations situation I you know, situations like this all the all the time.

Crazy stuff. Now, it got to the point where I couldn't really leave the house and drink anymore. My al my alcoholism the progression of my alcoholism had gotten so great that I just I'd get in trouble.

you know, I'd go to a bar and I'd either pass out on the bar and bartenders hate that. Uh or or I'd get cut off and and I hated that, you know, so there'd always be some kind there'd be some kind of problem. Uh so so I ended up like the last eight years of my drinking, I was just drinking at home.

I'd buy a bottle and, you know, go home. And even even in my own house, I would I would get into trouble, you know. Uh I was a drunken dialer.

Anybody in here? Anybody in here drunken dialers? Oh, isn't Oh, that's Oh, yeah.

What What would happen is I'd go downstairs where the the telephone was, you know, like like the next morning and I'd see I'd see the names and the phone numbers. I'd be like, "Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no. I called Mary Lou McGillicuy from fifth grade." You know, I could just imagine Mary 10 years. I love you.

Oh, I'm Oh, I'm going to have to kill myself, you know. So, so what So, what would happen is is I started to cut the phone lines when I started to drink. I did I'd go downstairs and I'd cut the phone line.

There's only one problem. I'm a I'm an electrician. So, so so I'd get drunk and I'd splice the wires back together.

And so, I started to get creative, right? I cut it by a knot hole, you know, where it would be really hard to splice back. One time I put an extension ladder up on the side of the house and cut the phone line way up at the peak of the house, figuring I'll never be able to get up there.

You know, the next day I found like a milk crate and the and the extension ladder up and a bunch of a bunch of electrical tape. I taped it back. Finally, you couldn't even hear anything on the telephone.

It was like you like this, right? got to call the phone company up, you know, and and the phone guy comes out and he's got his flashlight. He's walking around.

He's going, "What the hell?" Goes, "It looks like somebody cut this phone line 25 places and and scotch taped it back together." I'm like, "Yeah, that's what I thought it was, too." You know, you don't want to look stupid. And so, you probably have to run a new line, you know. Oh my god.

Now, now that's the funny stuff, you know. There's tragic stuff. There's pathetic stuff that went on.

There's shameful things that I was I was involved with. And all of it. All of it.

You know what it did? It took a piece out of my spirit. Every single time.

It took a piece out of my spirit. When I showed up to you, I had a broken spirit. You can't let the amount of people I let down uh and have a good you can't make and break the commitments that I made in you you can't treat the people that you are supposed to actually care about the way I treated them and and have a have a good spirit unless you're like a a psychopath, you know.

And so so I came in I came in with an absolute crush spirit. I showed up I showed up in Alcoholics Anonymous 1989 and and I was I was beaten and and I really really believed that the the velocity of my drinking at this point in time was like this. Uh this would be a work a work day, right?

I I would I would I would come to in the morning, you know, wearing the clothes I'd passed out in the night before and I you know I'd go into the bathroom, I'd throw some water on my face. do some vomiting, you know, and you know, go go out, you know, have a cigarette, go out to my car, go off to my terrible job, just swear to God, I swear to God, I'm never going to do this again. I swear to God, today's the day.

I know I have said this 400 times before, but there's something about today that's different. I really mean it today. I am never going to I'm never going to drink this crap again.

And I go off to work, you know, with this with this commitment to never drink alcohol again. And and Quinton time's about 4:30. I get I get half a sandwich down.

I get rehydrated. I'm starting to feel somewhat human by about 3:00 3:30 and I start to consider this this this decision I had made. And I I start to see it as quite possibly an overreaction.

We we might we might have to modify this. Never never never ever ever ever ever drinking again. You know, that's that's a that's a pretty strong position.

As a matter of fact, I you we're going to modify it today. And and I'm going to stop at the and I stop at the liquor store and I buy another quart of vodka, another quart of bourbon, and go home and start start drinking it. And and here's the thing.

Here's the thing. My the velocity of my consumption was this. I would start drinking and in an hour I would be drunk.

In two hours I would be in a blackout and in three hours I would be unconscious. That was the velocity of my drinking toward the end. You you know like there's no party left when when you're drinking like that.

There's no like going on a date. You know what I mean? There's no there's no uh volunteering at the P at the PTA or something, you know.

No, none of that is available. You you are you are now committed to this thing called called blackout drinking. And there's no room for anything else.

And uh and that's that's where that's where my alcoholism had gotten to because here's a second piece of step one. The first piece of step one is I can't I can't control it when I put it in my body. Okay, that's kind of an easy one.

We we we kind of all understand that to a degree, right? If we're an alcoholic. The one that was the heavy lift for me was I was without defense against the first drink.

That one was tough for me because what you're telling me is you're telling me I'm insane. But but look at my experience. I swore off alcohol in the morning and I changed my mind by the end of the day.

That's insane. That's insane. I didn't see it as insanity.

I saw it as changing my mind cuz I party. But think about it. I'm My alcoholism is to the point now where I am I'm I'm experiencing alcohol poisoning.

the way I'm drinking and I come to in the morning with, you know, my eyes are yellow, my hair's sticking straight up. Yeah. You know, I'm shattered.

I'm I'm so ill. I'm shattered. To do that day after day after day to change your mind, it's a sane and sound decision to say, "Today is the day I'm going to quit." Sane and sound.

I'm going to modify that decision and go to the liquor store. Absolutely insane. All right.

But I I didn't I didn't give the devil his due. I really thought that I was playing a part in that decision. And the book Alcoholics Anonymous is very, very clear.

We've lost choice in drink. We are without defense in drink. And folks, that's a that's a heavy lift.

It took me a while in Alcoholics Anonymous to come to that conclusion. that that really is my problem. That I'm powerless over alcohol.

How much power is powerless? It's right up there with not a hell of a lot. You know what I mean?

So, if I'm admitting to powerlessness, I'm admitting I play no role in when alcohol goes back in my body. I'm not there. I'm not there.

I'm suffering from a strange mental black blank spot, a subtle form of insanity. that precedes the first drink. And that's that's what Alcoholics Anonymous, the book Alcoholics Anonymous, is telling me I suffer from.

And without without experiencing a power greater than myself, I'm doomed doomed to drink over and over and over again. So, it's April 1989 and and alcohol has really got my attention. I'm starting I'm starting to do things that just Yeah.

I you know I I called up my boss in a blackout and threaten his life. I'm going to kill you. I'm going to kill you.

I'm going to kill your family. I'm going to kill all of you. And because I was in a blackout, I didn't remember.

And I went into work the next day. He's like, "What the hell are you doing here?" You know? I'm like, "What?" He's like looking at me like I'm crazy.

I What do you mean? What's wrong? Don't you remember what you did last night?

What? You threatened my life? I did?

What'd you do? You know, why did I have to do that? You know, I mean, so like like stuff like this is going on and it it it gets your attention.

I do not want to be the guy that comes to in the jail cell and and the jailer comes up, "Hey kid, you really did it last night, you know, and not knowing why I'm in jail and having having them tell me that I've just killed my family or something." I I couldn't be that guy. So, I signed myself I signed myself into a treatment center. I I finally got it that these decisions every day that didn't work, you know, maybe I need some help to to quit drinking.

Sign myself into a 28-day treatment center. Did the whole 28 days, did my job in there, got out of there. They recommended alcoholic synonymous meetings if you feel like it and you definitely should come back to outpatient.

So, I'm going back to outpatient. I'm doing some I'm doing some AA meetings and I've been treated for alcoholism. Anybody in here get treated for alcoholism?

You you've had you've had the treatment. Everything should be good, right? So, one day I'm on my way to an AA meeting and the thought crosses my mind that I don't know that I really been doing this whole AA thing with like a 100%.

And it's it's hard for me even to remember what it's like being drunk. You know, it's got to be almost three months now. I'll bet if I bought a gallon of vodka and drank it, it would remind me what it's like to be drunk and I would I would go back to Alcoholics Anonymous with a with a whole new enthusiasm.

Man, I will be the I will be the AA kid. And so that's what I did. I bought a gallon of vodka and started to drink it to improve my sobriety.

And it was working. The first drink. I'm drinking the first drink.

This is really This is a good idea. You know, I I'm pretty I'm pretty sharp to think of something like this. You I'm drinking the second drink.

Wow. This this really this really makes a lot, you know. I'm going to go back to the AA meeting and recommend everybody try this.

And and then the third drink hit me and an intoxication washed over me. And I and I could not believe all of a sudden I was restored to sanity. All of a sudden, I said, "Oh my god.

Oh my god. I've opened up the cage door to the beast, and the beast is going to move me around like a puppet till he's done." You know, I can't believe I've been so stupid to, you know, where's the rest of the ice? You know, like cuz cuz once you're in, you're in, right?

The next seven months were a pathetic, terrible, awful experience for me. And it all all culminated, you know, in Christmas 1989. Uh you that's I'm living at mom's cuz that's what happens when you you know, you're you're sharp and happening.

Uh and uh and really and really got it all together. Uh I'm living at mom's. So everybody comes home for Christmas.

So, it's Christmas, you know, my brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, cats, and and they all show up. Uh, they all show up for Christmas and and I go I go into uh I go into a blackout and my brother's playing Christmas carols, you know, and there's people are putting presents under the tree. The stockings are hung by the chimney with care and I go into a violent blackout and I threaten all their lives.

I'm going to kill all you, you know, cuz they said something. You know how they are, right? You know what' you say?

You know, and uh and I came out of that. I came out of that and and that was that was it. That was it.

I wished for the end. It was my jumping off point. I either wished for the end.

God either has got to get me sober or kill me. I can't go on like this anymore. I don't have it anymore.

You know, you know, alcoholics are something like like 50 times more likely to kill themselves than non-alcoholics to take their own life. You because because we understand what pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization is. We've been there, you know, we set up camp there, you know, and watched the hideous four horsemen, you know, terror, frustration, bewilderment, despair circle the camp.

And it's sometimes it's just too much. It's just too much for us. So, so I end up back in Alcoholics Anonymous.

So, I'm NA and I don't know what is going on. I am going to these meetings and people are sharing. You ever go to meetings where people share and I'm like, what the hell are they talking about?

You know, it was like these discussion meetings. I'm talking I'm talking like early 1990 discussion meetings. It was a free-for-all.

It was a wild west back then. Nobody had topics. They didn't have to talk about alcoholism.

They could talk about anything. You know, somebody raise their hand. You know, today, you know, I went out to mow the lawn and I noticed that the it wasn't it wasn't being cut the way I would like.

So, I lifted up the lawn mower and sure enough, the lawn mower blade was dull. So, I took the lawn mower blade off and I took it down to the shop to be sharpened. And wouldn't you know it, I forgot to bring my wallet.

Thank you for letting me share. man. And and and I'm I'm sitting in these meetings like what the hell is go and and then and and you know finally this guy this guy my name's Danny.

I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict. He starts to share. He starts st to to share about living in a box in the park, you know, selling blood, you know, and I could I could start to relate a little bit, you know, you know what I mean?

like, "Wait a minute. Wait a minute. This might be the right place for me if Danny's here." You you know, and and I I I realized I realized I was going to I was going to meetings where it it was it was the type of area uh that I was going to was really a wealthy town, right?

So, you'd be sitting in an A meeting and there'd be a brain surgeon, there'd be a trust fund CEO or a a a hedge fund CEO, you know, there'd be a a a Washington DC lawyer, you know, like these are these are the people in in the meetings and there there'd be like Cadillacs and Jaguars and all this stuff and and me with, you know, with with my 1956 Ford Granada and, you know, wearing clothes that didn't fit. And you know, it was it was the it was a it was how I survived. I have no clue.

But here's what happened. This guy, Radio Shack Mike, he's my my first friend in Alcoholics Anonymous, right? Radio Shack Mike makes friends with me.

I have no idea why. I, you know, I was like the type of person that you you really you really kind of kind of, you know, stay away from. I was I was I was like uh highrung you know is really is the way I was what what' you say you know I was I was like that guy so but he made friends with me and uh and he was this real pious guy right very pious he would go to new age bookstores he's really into this to this whole recovery thing he's really into this whole sobriety thing he's happy he's like he's like six months so he's happy as can be and And he's going to all these new new age bookstores and you know one day he'd come to me and he go Chris do you have a pyramid over your bed?

Oh, I put a pyramid over my bed. My life's never been the same. The next week it would be Chris.

Do you use crystals? Oh man, crystals. They've changed my life.

I'm going to get you some crystals. Well, I'll have to get you the strong ones. Chris, do you do affirmations?

I've got this book on affirmations. It's changed my life. Now, now here, now here's the thing.

He got happy and he started to feel really good. You want to know why? Because he was in Alcoholics Anonymous cuz he got busted with an eightball.

He got busted with an eightball. And his lawyer said, "You should probably go to AA and get all the lawyers from everybody and go to treatment, you know, and not go to jail." So, he drank three times in his life. So, so he's happy like in 10 seconds.

And I'm wondering I'm wondering why I'm still psychotic hanging out with this guy. I I tried doing those affirmations. I'm like, you're wonderful guy.

Chris, you're wonderful guy. No, I'm not. You know, listen, if you have a if you have a case of alcoholism, treating alcoholism with affirmations is like trying to stop a semi with a cobweb.

You know what I mean? But here's what here's what Radio Shack Mike did for me. Somebody handed him a Big Book Workshop by the late from the late great Joe and Charlie uh back back in back in the 80s, right?

And he listened to it. He didn't care care much for it. It didn't speak to him, you know, just like just like there's a lot of people who who the book Alcoholics Anonymous don't speak to, you know.

Uh I wonder why. I'll tell you what, when Bill Wilson is talking in the big book, he's always talking to the real alcoholic, the person who's lost all hope, the hopeless alcoholic, the per the person who's gone down the scale. That's who he's talking about in here.

So, a lot of us a lot of us read this and it's like, wow, this, you know, this is the most amazing book in the world. There are people that read this and think it's the biggest piece of crap out there. It's because it's not their experience, right?

So he's listening he's listening to these to these to these Joe and Charlie workshop tapes and he's seeing it as a ginormous overreaction. You know he's in the middle of the course in miracles. You know what I mean?

So he hands it to me and he said he says uh says Chris, I didn't care much for these but something tells me you should probably listen to them. And I started to listen to him and that's really when I started to learn about uh about alcoholism. Now, I've covered the f the first two alcoholic pieces of step one.

I've got an allergy of the body that manifests in a craving. And once alcohol is put in my body, my whole existence craves more alcohol. That's one part.

I have an inability to stay separated from alcohol. I It doesn't matter how much I need to. It doesn't matter that I'm going to jail.

It doesn't matter that she's leaving. It doesn't matter that I'm going to lose my job. It doesn't matter that that I really really really want to stop drinking.

None of that stuff matters because I'm without defense against the first drink. Uh the subtle forms of of of insanity and the strange mental blank spots are going to manifest in my life and and I'm going to come out of it with a drink in my hand. That's what that's what the book is telling me.

I am without power. without power to stay away from alcohol. That's bad enough, right?

Two problems. One of them when you're drinking, one of them when you're not drinking. No big deal.

But there's a dash. It's even worse than that. There's a dash that our lives have become unmanageable.

That our lives have become unmanageable. I believe I believe like the book says we are spiritually sick. Remember I said that I came to you with a broken spirit.

My spirit was just destroyed. Uh I had levels of anxiety that were unbelievable. I had levels of resentment that were unbelievable.

I had guilt and shame and remorse that was crippling me. Whenever I would think of these horrible things I did, I'd go, "Whoa." Oh, you know, I mean, I'd have a palatable reaction to these memories. Um, there's language in the book Alcoholics Anonymous that I believe it is informative on what are they talking about about unmanageability.

When I first showed up, yeah, my life is unmanageable. I I I lost my driver's license, you know, for six times. You know, she left me.

You know, I got a terrible job. You My friends are disloyal. You know, uh I hate everybody.

I got terrible neighbors. Yeah, my life is unmanageable. I'm looking out here because that's what we want to do.

We want to look out here. This is what the problem is out here. But that's not what the problem is.

The book Alcoholics Anonymous tells us that we're restless, we're irritable, and we're discontented on a good day. We're prayed to misery, depression, anxiety, self-centered fear, guilt, shame, remorse on a on a normal day, the bondage of self. And on a really bad day, the pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization, the hideous four horsemen, terror, frustration, bewildering, and despair.

That's what we that's where we get to. That's what happens to our spirit. So, we come into Alcoholics Anonymous and the brass ring at the end of the steps is having had a spiritual awakening.

And I believe that's what we do, folks. I believe we wake up. I believe we wake up.

And it doesn't mean we become perfect. You know, we're not rendered perfect, but we're rendered useful is what we're rendered. We're rendered useful.

We're not rendered perfect. So, bit by bit, my spirit started to heal and I started I started to wake up. And today some of the things that that I'm working on uh there there's a there's a body of work that precedes the third step prayer in the book Alcoholics Anonymous.

It's uh it's it's the dilemma of self, right? Selfishness, self-centerness that we think is the root of our troubles. We're we're self uh we're we're self-willrun riot even though we usually don't think so.

There's a manifestations of self have defeated us. There's all this terminology in there about this condition of self. And because Alcoholics Anonymous is a thousand miles deep, there's always going to be stuff for us to work on.

And I'm I'm working I'm working today on this on this unmanageability. I I believe I believe the root of my unmanageability comes from the selfishness and self-centerness that has been has been burned into me through a a default mechanism. Right?

I I go right to I go right to selfishness and self-centerness. You you know what I mean? Like like um when was speaking before I I get that, right?

The phone rings and the first thing I say is, "God damn it." But what I do, hello. Right. Listen, I've got meattheads out there that it's it's the third.

It's the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl and and the score is tied ring. What idiot would call during the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl? Hello.

So, so you know, we're not rendered perfect, but we we we are we are able to get out of our own ways sometimes. Now, here's what I believe. Here's what I believe.

I believe when we separate from alcohol, what hits us front and center is a toxic experience of self-consciousness. That's what alcoholism is in between the drinks. And that toxic experience of self-consciousness, that's all the depression and the anxiety, the guilt and the resentment.

That's that that's the toxic experience of self-consciousness. I believe the 12 steps do this. They take us from that experience of self-consciousness and move us toward a God consciousness, a spiritual consciousness where where where all the steam is let off and and our spirit starts to heal.

You know, I am incredibly grateful to be in Alcoholics Anonymous today. I'm, you know, I'm going to tell a quick story and then I'm going to sit down. I'm I'm I'm not looking at a watch.

I could have gone on. I know. I know.

Ali wanted me to keep it under two hours, but but I'm going to sit down after this story. Uh, so I retired uh about about three and a half years ago. COVID hit, right?

Wasn't COVID great? All of a sudden, every AA meeting in the country was shut down, right? Oh my god.

and and we all flocked to Zoom, you know, we didn't know how to turn it on or mute or, you know, we're upside down. People are taking a taking their laptops into the bathroom with them. I mean, it was a it was a debacle, right?

But but we we were resourceful, you know, we knew we needed to stick together. We knew we needed to stick together. Anyway anyway, I got furoughed on like day one of uh of of CO and it was like we'll bring you back, you know, as soon as we can.

And that went on for about a year and finally I said, "Look, I'm at the age where, you know, I can I can I can retire. It's normal retirement age." So I turn I turn on social security and the 501ks and all that stuff, right? And and I'm sitting around, I'm retired.

You know, there's something I like doing more than anything else in the world today. You know what that is? Nothing.

I like doing nothing. There's healing in the silence. you know, there's there's healing in the city.

So So I'm sitting there doing nothing one day and uh and my wife walks in. Uh what are you doing? Nothing.

What do you mean you're doing nothing? There's all kind of stuff. So So So I'm thinking, you know, listen, I'm an ablebodied person.

Okay. All right. You know, uh a job came up down the street and my career, what what I did in my career was I was a facility manager.

I I would manager the facility businesses for pharmaceutical manufacturing and research and development sites. So, you know, I'd have a million people working for me and and I'd be in charge of everything except for the pharmaceutical business. I would take all that responsibility off of their back and and you know uh and put together all the teams of people and the contractors and everything.

And that's that's what I did. So, I had a lot of experience with facilities management. Well, a small hospice business uh uh put an ad in the paper uh wanting a facility manager.

So, you know what the heck? I put my uh my resume in. I went down there and they hired me.

So, I'm back working full-time now. I got to tell you, I work I work for a hospice and this is my favorite job I've ever had. The people that I'm working with are they're just they're a different class of people.

They're they you know they didn't they didn't work the 12 steps to become good. They were just good. I hate people like that.

But but working working with these pe working with these people, it's just been amazing. and uh and I've gotten an opportunity a handful of times to give some of us our last meeting, you know, and and I got to I got to tell you, I I'm just going to end with this. I I am so overpaid.

I am so overpaid. If you're new or you're just coming back, here's the advice I give you right now. Get yourself a Get yourself a sponsor or a spiritual adviser with working understanding of the 12 steps.

Make sure that they live the 12 steps. Get them as a sponsor or spiritual adviser and say, "Take me through the steps." Say that to them. And they're going to start they're going to start giving you uh exercises that are stupid and that aren't going to work for you.

You want to be a card carrying AA member in good standing, you do them anyway. And that's all I got. Thanks.

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