AA Speaker – Linda R. – Charlottesville, VA – 2005 – Parts 4 & 5
Linda R. from Charlottesville shares how she navigated fear during her father’s terminal cancer, then her husband Richard’s diagnosis. An AA speaker on acceptance, Step 4 inventory, and finding peace through surrender.
Linda R. from Charlottesville, VA walks through two of the most difficult periods of her sobriety in this AA speaker tape: her father’s terminal brain cancer diagnosis and seven months of caregiving, followed by her husband Richard’s pancreatic cancer just months later. Rather than white-knuckling through the pain, Linda details how writing a detailed fear inventory and working the steps—particularly Step 4 and Step 11—allowed her to move from paralyzing fear into genuine presence and surrender.
Linda R., an AA speaker from Virginia, shares how working Step 4 (fear inventory) helped her release the illusion of control when her father was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. She describes the spiritual shift from trying to manage others’ suffering to trusting God’s will, and later applies these same principles when her husband is diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Linda discusses how Step 11 prayer and meditation practice transforms daily life, detailing how “carrying the vision of God’s will into all activities” means focusing on who she is and how she shows up, not controlling outcomes.
Episode Summary
This is a profound AA speaker meeting where Linda R. walks through two concurrent family crises that tested every principle she’d learned in recovery. When her father is diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, Linda finds herself paralyzed by fear—but not the kind most people expect. She’s afraid of *his* suffering, afraid she can’t control his emotional pain, afraid he’ll die without knowing God loves him. She writes a detailed fear inventory that exposes the real issue: she’d rather he die immediately than sit with the discomfort of watching him deteriorate.
That awareness breaks something open. Linda describes the moment she recognizes her own selfishness and arrogance—she believes with enough willpower and the right words, she can manage his spiritual state. She surrenders that fantasy, and something shifts. Over seven months, she becomes genuinely present with her father. She takes him to radiation at lunch, helps with physical therapy, stays with him through the hospital visits. Not out of duty, but out of a peace that comes from finally trusting God instead of trying to orchestrate the outcome.
Her father dies in May 2000. The last three days, Linda is there holding his hand while he seizes from fear. She comforts him. She doesn’t know if he heard her, but she knows he experienced love.
Within months, her husband Richard is diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. This time, Linda moves into a small apartment with him for the final 2.5 months of his life. She watches him waste away—a man 5’11” becomes 80 pounds. When he asks if she finds him repulsive, she realizes decades of judgment about bodies and appearance suddenly dissolve. What emerges is something purer: she finds him more precious as he diminishes. She stays present without trying to fix him or control his dying process.
What’s striking about Linda’s story is what she *doesn’t* do: she doesn’t pray for miraculous recoveries, doesn’t bargain with God, doesn’t rage at the unfairness. Instead, she uses the tools of the program—inventory, meditation, Step 11 work—to dismantle her own need for control and open herself to what’s actually happening right in front of her.
The second half of the talk shifts to Step 11 practice and how Linda applies prayer and meditation to daily life. She breaks down the Big Book’s instructions: constructive review of her day at night, asking specific questions about resentment, selfishness, dishonesty, and fear. Over time, she moves from a checklist of failures to actually *seeing* grace manifest. She stops thinking she needs to make her to-do list; instead, she considers her plans and stays open to God’s direction throughout the day. When she faces indecision, she asks for inspiration and then—hardest part—relaxes instead of forcing. She talks about pausing when agitated or doubtful and reminding herself repeatedly, “Thy will be done.”
Linda also shares her conduct (Step 4) inventory work around relationships and sexuality. She writes out a “sane and sound ideal” for her future—not a checklist of what a man should be, but a vision of who she wants to *be* in relationship. She carries it in her wallet. That work eventually leads to a genuine friendship and partnership with someone she’s known for years, without needing marriage to validate it. She describes learning to love her brother sober *or* drunk, and how that freedom came from finally accepting she can’t save anyone.
The final teaching is on the 12th Tradition and anonymity. Linda reframes anonymity as a spiritual principle: she’s not the source of her sobriety, and her sobriety isn’t really about her. It’s about God loving other people *through* her—her children, her family, everyone her presence touches. She’s a channel. This shift from “my sobriety is my achievement” to “my sobriety is God’s love expressed through me” transforms how she relates to her recovery and her role in the fellowship.
The talk ends with Linda guiding the group through a meditation on letting go of personality, mind, body, and disease—helping people remember they are God’s creation, eternal, beyond all the things they think define them.
Notable Quotes
He interrupted them and told them lots of his relatives had cancer and they all lived 5 to 15 years and he would do the same… unless he asked, he heard what he wanted to hear. And after some prayer, we just decided that it just wasn’t our business to butt in.
I was so afraid of his life from now until his death. I got to see how selfish I am. I believed that with you people and God that I could let go at death, but I don’t know what to do with my feelings while he’s alive.
The true meaning of the word courage… is to come face to face with the prospect of the hole in the donut, by allowing that part of me that desperately wants to hold on to die, and to let go to God.
To know a new happiness, I needed to live as though every day were the last day of *your* life, not mine.
I don’t think God cares what I’m doing. I think he cares how I behave. I think he cares how I treat his other kids. I don’t think he cares who I marry, but how I honor the sanctity of marriage.
We’re just channels. We’re just channels. My sobriety has very little to do with me and so much to do with God loving those kids and loving those spouses through me.
If I can’t love you as you are where you are, it’s not love. It’s something, but it’s not love.
Step 11 – Prayer & Meditation
Acceptance
Grief & Loss
Letting Go
Emotional Sobriety
Spiritual Awakening
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
- Step 11 – Prayer & Meditation
- Acceptance
- Grief & Loss
- Letting Go
- Emotional Sobriety
- Spiritual Awakening
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated and may contain minor errors. For the best experience, listen to the audio above.
welcome to sober Sunrise a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience strength and Hope from around the world we bring you several new speakers weekly so be sure to subscribe we hope to always remain an adree podcast so if you’d like to help us remain self-supporting please visit our website at sober-remix than a sober Sunrise we hope that you enjoy today’s speaker so my dad’s diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and I mentioned before the break that I was able to be present for the next seven months but not at first at first we had lots of activity because we were told that unless he had surgery he would be dead within a matter of weeks and if he had surgery they could they couldn’t cure anything but they could remove the tumor and prolong his life by up to 18 months so he obviously had the surgery and by the way he never heard that when the doctors approached him to tell him he had brain cancer before they could give him any prognosis he interrupted them and told him that lots of his relatives had cancer um they all lived 5 to 15 years and he would do the same and my siblings and I you know wondered for a while would should we correct him should we you know tell him the truth and after some uh prayer we just decided that you know unless he asked he he heard what he wanted to heard he said what he needed to say and it just wasn’t our business to butt in but he had his surgery and he came and he did well and he came home from the surgery and my fear set in I mean just paralyzing fear I showed up at his house uh when we took him home and then I went back to my sisters and then I went back to his house and just cried I mean I was so afraid H and I remember sitting on the floor and his head’s all bandaged up and I’m weeping and he’s patting me on the head and telling me we can’t live like this we’re we’re just going to have to do this one day at a time and so I went home and I and I wrote a short piece of fear inventory that I’d like to share and I’d like to share some inventory because for me it was so helpful when people shared their inventory with me I not that this is not the kind of inventory I wrote at six months sober or one year sober it’s the kind of inventory I write today so it’s not to compare but just to let you know where God has what God has revealed to me and and the the beauty of this this spiritual walk I had um half a dozen fears the prayer was God please help me find you help me walk beyond the fear to the place of your your peace in my fears uh I’m afraid that my dad will suffer overwhelming emotional pain about his cancer and possible death why I’m afraid of how he’ll feel that I won’t be able to make him feel better self-reliance fails me because no matter what I do I can’t ensure that he’ll feel any different can’t do it I’m afraid that I won’t be able to help him why I’m powerless again I can’t rely on myself to come up with the power to help him I can’t even be sure I know how or what kind of help he needs I’m afraid that he’ll die without knowing how much God loves him why again I’m powerless over this no matter what I do I can’t guarantee that Dad will have a loving relationship with God I arrogantly presume I know what he needs and my father had no real faith and he was he was afraid to die I’m afraid he’ll die not knowing how much we all love him why uh do I really want the power to control his mind and perceptions yep I do want to be got on this one I’m afraid that he’ll suffer physical pain with his disease again it’s out of my hands I can’t even rely on my very best efforts of manipulation to prevent this I’m afraid that he won’t get to do or live the way he’s always dreamt of living and that he’ll have regrets why I can’t make this happen I can’t control what he does or feels self reliance fails me you know and all these fears are about how he’ll feel how he’ll you know his experience and then I got to the truth you know the real fear was that I’m not I’m afraid of his life from now until his death you know I got to see how selfish I am I believed that with you people like you and God that I could let go at death that I would be okay but I don’t know what to do with my feelings while he’s alive I’m more afraid of his life until death than I am of his death uh um I me that’s just the height of self-centeredness why I’m an uh I’m an absolute coward totally absorbed with self I have no power to change what my dad feels so my response is to eliminate the source of my discontent my fears that I will be uncomfortable while he’s alive will rob me of being able to be of any service to him self-reliance not only fails me it allows fear to steal my last opportunities to share time and life with my father the better way trust and rely on God trust that God will not forsake my dad trust that God will direct my actions if I’m willing to play the role he assigns turn to God in all things every fear about my Dad’s life about his feelings about his actions if I really want to walk my talk I must be willing to depend entirely on God to truly allow that part of me that believes she knows best to Die For the First time in my life I think I understand the true meaning of the word courage the dictionary defines it as the ability to conquer fear or despair to me it is to come face to face with the prospect of the hole in the donut by allowing that part of me that desperately wants to hold on to die and to let go to God and then my prayer was God forgive me take away my fear my selfish desires direct my attention to what you would have me be please use me and it it was freeing you know it’s it’s it’s not always pretty to see just how selfish and self-seeking I am um and me what this boiled down to is I would have been more comfortable with his immediate death so that I wouldn’t have to feel bad imagining what he was feeling but thank goodness thank goodness for that awareness because with the awareness came the willingness to be changed and God took the fear away you know and one day at a time I was present I mean I was genuinely present and um because of my circumstances because I was just going where I was guided and I had no idea that living in this little bitty room at my sisters meant I was going to be available to my dad you know I um my office by the way at that time was just literally two miles from his home and so at lunchtime I take him for radiology you know or we’d go have his favorite Chinese or we’d do this we’d do that I learned his physical physical therapy and helped him with that and and so I saw him at lunchtime and I saw him you know after work on my way wherever and and um my dad trusted me um I was his power of attorney um I had his wallet um I took him to the bookie nobody knew where the bookie was and um just one day at a time that process of being present with my father taught me so many things about love and about intimacy and one of the greatest things I learned that I love to share is how it transforms so many things but up until that point I really believe that to be happy I needed to live as though every day were the last day of my life and with my father’s dying experience what I came to understand was to know a new happiness I needed to live as though every day were the last day of your life yeah and my dad let me practice that one day at a time yeah and it was um wasn’t always easy but it was beautiful and when he died at the end of May 2000 uh he is was a gambler and the Nur he ended up in the hospital the last week of his life he um the nurses had um a pool going on we have the Indie 500 at home and of course my dad you know he got in on that action and uh he died May 31st uh anyone the pool and he was already unconscious by that time but um something else I learned you know going back to this um Second Step and what is my conception of God my father uh when he went into the hospital he heard what the doctors were telling him and what they told him that morning was you’ve probably got less than 6 months to live and he heard that he was dying and so he began dying and within a week well within a day he was unconscious um and um my dad’s cancer was diagnosed because he start he had a seizure and the seizures just scared him oh they just literally SC he was more frightened of the seizures than anything else and um and he had two more one of the during one of the earlier in his illness he was hospitalized because they had put him on Dilantin or some anti-seizure drug and he had a bad reaction to it and he was in the hospital and I went to visit him and and um he was shaky and they were getting him off that drug so they could get him on another one and and uh he was trying to avoid having a catheter and and he needed to urinate and so the nurse handed him the urinal and and we asked if he needed help and he said no no I’m fine and so we step outside pull the curtain and it doesn’t sound right what he’s doing and so so Dad are you okay yeah I’m fine and uh so when he was done we opened the curtain and uh he had urinated all over my coat and and this is I don’t know I just think it’s such a beautiful metaphor because um I was so grateful that my dad could urinate okay and it didn’t matter that he had peed all over my coat you know he had no more control over that than I had over my alcoholism you know he was doing the best he could and um but anyway they got him on some better medication and and so he didn’t have any more seizures um but those last three days of his life before he lost Consciousness um the last thing I remember seeing in My Father’s Eyes Was Fear Stark raving fear and because of my circumstances my sister has children and everybody else had something else but I was available so I stayed there those last three days and nights and if you’ve been around someone who’s dying the dying process is not pleasant you know just the things the body goes through and and everything that manifest as a result of that and and um on that near the end um the day before he died he was in a a coma 3 days he um he started having a seizure and his eyes were open but we didn’t know what he saw but my sister just she knew how frightened he was of that so she went down the hallway screaming for a nurse and I was able to take my dad’s hand and look into his eyes and comfort him and talk to him and I don’t know what he heard and I don’t know if he saw anything but what I do know that is if he did see or hear anything um he heard and saw love I was able to be there for him with him he um he had another seizure and then on the morning of the 31st he was struggling oh he was struggling his breathing was so labored and my sister and I took a walk wondering you know by this time everybody had wanted him to stay please hang on please hang on and by this time my brothers everybody they’re just it’s hard to watch you know why won’t why won’t he go and so my sister and I were wondering well maybe he needs to know something let’s go talk talk to him about it so we went back and and we told him I mean he’s not communicating with us but we told him Dad it’s okay everything’s taken care of you know all the arrangements are made you don’t need to worry about anything we’re okay the only thing that’s outstanding is the boys think you should be buried in flannel we think you ought to wear a suit but we’ll work it out honest to goodness within minutes within minutes my father took his last breath you and that’s important because later on and it was a very holy Moment by the way I don’t think there’s anything more holy than that kind of birth or death depending upon how you look at it and at that moment it didn’t feel good okay when my father took his last breath or last exhalation there was an overwhelming sorrow and pain and grief um I mean it hurt to the Bone it just hurt to the Bone but concurrent with that was this overwhelming awareness of the presence and love of God it um this wasn’t God doing anything to anybody this was God there with us sustaining us and uh later when I was refle reflecting upon my father’s death and and under this mistaken belief that he died without knowing god and and died in fear and how wrong that is and just kind of getting angry and somebody pointed out to me um now when you when you talk to your daddy Left Right mhm why do you suppose he stayed see I believe at some point he had a choice I believe that he and God did meet yeah that’s just my belief I believe that if he had still been frightened to die we could have told him anything and it wouldn’t have made a difference he would have continued to hang on but the fact that when we told him he left I just choose to believe that you know it’s it’s infinite God it’s beyond my understanding and um I absolutely don’t believe that my that God loves my father any less than me or that God wants any less of a relationship with my father than he wants with me uh simply because I’m an AA and my dad’s not I don’t believe that that’s not the god of my understanding the um we um we buried my father we had a beautiful ceremony my dear friend Mike um helped out my dad didn’t go to church and and and Mike knows us and the family and and it was just it was personal and it was beautiful and Richard by the way during the S months Richard’s out there doing what he needs to do he’s um he originally went to see a doctor he was very depressed um and he got some outside help and he ended up being in a Therapy Group four nights a week four hours a night with nine women and uh he laughed about it too but um he did that and then he got back into AA and what I mean by that and I’m not saying anything he didn’t say from the podium um he began making amends that hadn’t been made to some Ex-Wives and adult children and and um doing what he needed to do and he approached me shortly after my father’s death and asked me if he could make amends to me and we met and beautiful beautiful amends he um he summed it up by telling me that he wanted my happiness for me more than anything else um the man taught me so much and that if that meant reconciling he would be delighted to reconcile and if that meant divorce we could divorce he and I both um love Don P bless his heart and Don talks about Traditions a lot and we had uh heard Don talk about the second tradition and how group conscience ends with a vote and the the principle being that as long as you’re talking and exchanging information you know God U it there is one ultimate Authority God as he expresses himself but we have to we have to share information and we have to talk and and if we continue that process at some point we’ll take a vote but we’ll know what it is before we take it because we’ll be of one mind and so Richard and I decided that we would not call for a vote um we would just let the second tradition work in our relationship and it wasn’t too much after that too much longer after that that um he had been going to the doctor that summer because he’ had back pain and stomach pain and had seen a lot of GI people and anyway I got a call on a Friday that his uh CAT scan came back very abnormal and that we needed to bring him into the hospital for the weekend so I called him up and went by and picked him up after work and we uh we went to the hospital and and this is in um August and between my dad’s death and his death by the way my first sponsor Janet had um come back and gotten sober and she had died in June and Richard’s sponsor Phil had died in July but these are people who had great faith and so they died very differently than my dad but it was still you know it’s a lot of and we all do it if we live we observe death the um but the point is we went to the hospital and when we got on the elevator she pushed the seventh floor and we knew what that was that’s the oncology unit and um between the first floor and the seventh floor without a word Richard and I had our group conscience um we just took each other’s hand and um and we knew what to do we got to the seventh floor we got to his room the doctor showed up and he explained to us that Richard had pancreatic cancer and the following morning we got the prognosis it had already metastasized to several major organs and um when he left the hospital Sunday we picked up his stuff and by this time by the way I had moved into a little one-bedroom apartment after my dad’s death it was just the right time so I moved into a little one-bedroom apartment that I could afford and um anyway we picked up Richard stuff and we I brought him home and it was just big enough and for the next 2 and a half months Richard and I got to live together and love each other in way I never thought was possible we got to enjoy an intimacy that had absolutely nothing to do with sex and um and he taught me so much pancreatic cancer Wast the body and I watched this man literally disappear before my very eyes one of the things that um became so abundantly clear you know I’m so I’m so immature and I have so many childish ideas and I watch watch this man literally disappear um he’s 5’11 almost 6t tall and uh near the end of his death he was maybe 80 lbs and I was helping him with his bath one day and he knew what he looked like he was watching himself in the mirror and he asked me um if I found him repulsive and it just broke my heart the um the truth was that as he diminished physically before my very eyes I found him more precious you know and and I have these ideas my entire life I’ve been so judgmental about this vessel that God gives us that allows us to be here you know I’ve been judg Al about my own and about you know everyone else’s and um just never really appreciated what this vessel is really about and what it’s really all about is just simply a vehicle for for us to be here on planet Earth today the um he uh he didn’t want to die without me which um I mean I’m the woman that often times you didn’t want to be around me because I would break your heart so deeply and he didn’t want to die without me and he didn’t we stayed at home um and um people like you thank you brought meetings in to Richard yeah and just did what a does the um we ended up in hospice because um near the end he woke me up and told me that he needed to go to the hospital because he couldn’t breathe and we went to the hospital and um he was getting at some point at one point several after hours after we were there just very agitated and and um he was in a lot of pain even with the morphing and thank God for morphing um he was up and he was down and and um and at one point I suggested to him that um he didn’t have to struggle anymore he could just relax and take it easy and he did and he drifted into a coma uh but he waited he had um this was just this was just shortly before I met you all you good folks in Virginia um Richard um his daughter had just her husband had gotten a job transfer to Richmond and so he waited I think until she and her family and and his sisters got here they’re all over the place and And when everybody was here he died and uh again it was a very very holy moment um painful didn’t feel good but it was good and we had an AA funeral yeah the um I got to tell you it was it was interesting because before he died his daughter had just moved to Richmond I mean literally like a week before he was diagnosed and so they came back for a visit and U you know and I was present for the birth of my granddaughter and and it’s just it’s hard you know and I was thinking how am I going to get to how am I going to stay in contact with with them how am I going to see them and then it occurred to me what’s already taken care of because I’m talking at the convention yeah and it was uh anyway that’s off the track it’s just everything happens on time in God’s world I didn’t know when I got invited to come talk at the Richmond Convention or the whatever the whatever it was Hampton um I didn’t know that you know prior to that Richard was going to die and his daughter and my granddaughters were going to be here and I’d be able to extend my visit I didn’t know that I can’t know I don’t know but um but anyway so they come and Richard dies and we have a typical AA funeral I’m sure that that you’ve all been there seen them and our families they knew we were in AA obviously but they’d never really hung out with people like you and at the funeral it was they hung out with people like you and it was uh it was extraordinary cuz there was lots of love and lots of good things were said it was a truly a celebration of his life and afterwards at his sister’s house his niece I love this story his niece who was 14 at the time came up to me and she said aun Linda I said yeah she said I wish I was an alcoholic and I heard what she was saying see what she experienced alcoholism to be was this you know what she connected with alcoholism was this energy This Love This Unity you know and and kids get it you know they get it and uh and she got it the um and if we leave that kind of Legacy even just here and there what a beautiful thing to leave what a beautiful thing to leave the um Richard had a daughter and an older daughter that he didn’t know until she was an adult she found him and her name is Michelle and she um she never really got to know him the way she would have liked to and I felt compelled after the funeral to give her his big book um because it had his notes in it I mean she’d never had the relationship with him that she’d wanted and was feeling really cheated and abandoned she didn’t say so but anyway I just was guided to give her his big book and so I did and um that was in November of 2000 and I got an email from her November 14th of 2001 and says Linda hello how are you doing I am well I’m pregnant and I’m emailing you because I wanted to thank you this was her second child anyway I wanted to thank you I started going to AA meetings two months ago I have a sponsor and she’s great I read regularly from my father’s big book I’m working through step two which has been difficult for me I have come to believe that you and my father help me understand what a higher power can mean when you gave me the big book I had no idea that he was going to save me I was going to call you but I knew that I would only cry thank you so much for helping me find the gift of sobriety I know that this November must be difficult and I send you all my love blah blah blah um it’s the 12th step in action with nothing more than than the book I mean really nothing more than the book and um I talked to her um this past fall and she’s making amends you and The Beat Goes On yeah the beat goes on I um continued to live in that little one-bedroom apartment and pay my bills and I don’t know how it happened but the fiveyear get out of debt plan was done and well I know how it happened uh it was done in three years because somehow I managed to start saving money go figure yeah and uh so I started saving money and I got to a point where what I had saved equaled you know what I owed was diminishing and what I was saving was and they were the same and I thought well I’ll just keep saving cuz I don’t I’m not paying any interest over here and I couldn’t do it it’s like no it’s not right this isn’t your money this is their money they want their money back Linda so so I paid it off in three years instead of five and amazingly by that time uh I was free to go or free to stay I’m in this little one-bedroom apartment which by the way at one time in my life sober I could not have done I certainly couldn’t have had anybody over there and Margaret came and stayed with me a she came in fifth step there in that little kinky little one-bedroom apartment um I was free to do anything there I mean I couldn’t have large parties but not without being really cozy but the point is is that I didn’t need to have something bigger and better I truly was free to stay there uh or leave and another lady I walk with uh is a realtor and she was trying to convince me that at the time you know interest rates were low you really should buy a house blah blah blah I’m like I don’t know I don’t know you know I finally have some cash flow again and um anyway it didn’t matter and so it just kind of looked casually and the short story is I I did end up buying a house that I didn’t really I mean I liked it and it felt right and it was it was just the right house but it was actually out of my price range so I didn’t make any offer and then she came back and she said well they dropped the price I’m like oh really said well I don’t know you know I don’t know uh well then a few days l or couple weeks later they dropped the price again I’m like oh okay well I guess and I mean this is just so foreign to me to not be attached because when I go shopping for anything I don’t care if it’s I don’t care what it is I’m really attached I got to have it and I’ve got to have it now uh but I ended up getting I got the house and it was a conscious decision I mean I understood that okay you can have cash flow or you can have a mortgage you know and there are different outcomes to both and either one’s okay and it is okay uh I have a guest room now which is wonderful because you know people can actually sleep there um I open my home up to my family and to my friends and it’s just a modest little three-bedroom um it’s fine you know it’s it’s a blessing it’s um it’s a house it’s my home you know and um and I love being there it’s My Sanctuary I um prior to that I don’t know what this keeps coming to mind so I need to share it I if you’ve been a caretaker of that type and and I was for a while my dad and then Richard you just it’s kind of like anything else you get really involved in uh service work even when when you’re done you’re just kind of like missing an arm or something it’s like what do you do and and then there’s the grief and everything else and by the way I don’t think that grieving means that were not spiritually fit you know we’re human and um and my grief would just come in waves I’d be absolutely stable and okay and then out of nowhere I’d be weeping in the middle of the grocery store you know in a staff meeting at the office it just just came like that for me but um I enrolled in this flower arrangement class I’d always wanted to to do this and hadn’t and and it was a once a week class and it was maybe the fourth or fifth week and I was the joy of the present you I was arranging these flowers and it was just about the flowers I don’t know why I’m tearing up like this um but it was just about the flowers and it was just pure joy and it I mean they were just flowers but it’s the kind of joy that do get to experience every now and then when I’m just totally present yeah um I can remember having the same experience with a spider I was there was a SPID have you ever watched a spider make a web oh my gosh yeah um I would have missed that I would have been at the mall um just all kinds of Joys the um um we’re going to take a break and then have one more short session but before we do that the um I’m jumping around a little bit but the 10th step talks about this Vision um that we develop and on on page 85 after we’ve uh made amends and we’re uh we’re into 10 and and in and in between 10 and 11 it talks about how it’s easy to let up on this spiritual program of action and rest on our Laurels which I thought was a plant when I first came in I ah I I didn’t get it you know someone explained to me later what Laurels were but says we’re not cured of alcoholism but we have a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition and then they tell me I think ah one of the ways that I maintain my spiritual condition every day is a day when I must carry the vision of God’s will into all my activities I used to think that God’s will was my activities you know that God’s will for me was what I’m going to do you know who I’m you know I’m going to be married I’m going to be his wife I’m going to be this person at work I’m going you know whatever um but after meditating upon this for quite some time I have come to believe that when it says every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will which I don’t know God’s will but I develop a vision of it in my meditation I have to carry the vision of God’s will into all of my activities it’s a subtle twist but for me I don’t think the activities are God’s will I think it’s what I bring to the activity which is me you know am I bringing what am I bringing am I bringing the selfish fear-driven chaotic mess that I can be on any given moment ah or am I bringing something else you know am I bringing calmness am I bringing happiness am I bringing a desire to serve or am I bringing a desire to be served so I’ve I’ve really come to believe that God’s will is about who I am right now what would you have direct my attention to what you would have me be and that’s what I take into my activities person personally I don’t think God cares what I’m doing I really don’t I mean why why should he I mean whether I’m working here or working there married to him married to him married to her why would he care you know uh I think he cares how I behave I think he cares how I treat his other kids I think he cares uh maybe not where I work but how I work with you I don’t think he cares who I marry but how I honor the sanctity of marriage you know those are just that’s not big book that’s Linda um those that’s just where I am today and then it goes on to say this prayer con continues with how can I best serve thee thy will not mine be done these are thoughts which must go with us constantly well how often would constantly be yeah it does you know I have to practice that these are not thoughts that go with me constantly so I need to be reminded um that these are thoughts which must go with me constantly and guess what this is where I get to exercise will it says we can exercise willpower along this line all we wish it’s the proper use of will so finally I know what to do with this gift of will that God has given me and that is to try to develop and carry a vision of his will into my activities and um pray how can I best serve you later on in our 11th step they tell us twice that we have to constantly remind ourselves that we are no longer running the show um I have to constantly remind myself that I am no longer running the show the uh the the the beautiful thing about the 11 Step is that we get precise directions the book goes immediately into um ways to pray and meditate and specifically when we retire at night what we do and I think that’s in perfect order to begin at night I mean they begin the entire 11-step practice with when we retire at night we constructively review our day you know and that’s my prayer and that’s my meditation and I think that’s ideal because when I reflect upon my day and I ask myself and meditate upon those questions where was I resentful selfish dishonest what should I have done instead was I kind and loving on and on I get a checklist if you will for things that I might need to take care of tomorrow you know if and i’ I I’ve had to go back to the dry cleaners and apologize make amends to the person there because I took my little hoyy toyy self in there and they weren’t moving quick enough for me and you’re here to serve me and oh oh ugly the um but if I’m doing that nighttime meditation and constructively reviewing my day then I have an opportunity to take care of things quickly you know and my life doesn’t become like the toilet that’s never flushed I um I know it’s it’s a graphic it’s someone else gave it to me I like it though I I I’ll tell you the other benefit of doing this at night this constructively reviewing my day and going through these questions is you know at the beginning it was always um was I selfish yeah was I dishonest uhhuh was I afraid you beta do I own apology a couple have I kept something to myself mm image management can’t talk about it was was I kind and loving toward all uh-uh what could I have done better quite a bit was I thinking of myself most of the time practically or was I thinking of what I could do for others a little bit but we must be careful don’t drift into worry remorse or morbid reflection because that’s just self-centeredness it’s going to diminish my usefulness to others and then I ask God’s uh ask and accept God’s forgiveness and ask what what corrective action should be taken and I meditate upon that and so I’ve got I’ve got what I need to start then I I literally make a list some night so that I can put my head on my pillow and know that I can take care of it tomorrow now what happens after a while is I start doing this and was I resentful today no wow do I owe an apology not today not today um was I by thinking of what I could do for others yeah to some extent I was you know and over time I begin to see what Grace looks like over time I begin to see the miracle manifesting itself in my life and it’s not of me you know and I get to see that just by paying attention you know and I know that’s not of my doing um that’s the miracle and if I’m not practic iing this I’ll miss it it may be happening but I won’t be aware of it and who would want to miss that you know your own experience the um the fact that we then uh on awakening we think about the 24 hours a day we consider our plans we don’t make them I used to make them I’d sit down and and I’d say the prayer I’d ask God direct my thinking divorce it from self-pity dishonest self-seeking motives and let me make my to-do list and if I make my to-do list there’s no room for spontaneity there’s no room for God’s will I’m going to consider my plans and it tells me in the book that at this point God gave me brains to use and I can use them it also tells me my thought life is going to be on a much higher plane my thinking’s cleared of wrong motives and the wrong motives were identified that’s what I asked to be divorced from it also tells me that I’m going to face indecision well if I’m making a to-do list there’s no indecision I know exactly what I’m going to do don’t get in my way yeah I got to be there now um it’s interesting to see how that works on the interstate when I’ve got to be there now the um but I might face in decision and they tell me exactly what to do ask pray ask for inspiration intutive thought or a decision and here’s the part that’s the most difficult and then relax and take it easy relax don’t think harder relax and take it easy we don’t struggle I don’t know about you but that’s just counterintuitive for me when I’ve when I’ve when I’m indecisive I just I need I need to make I need to do something take some action let’s get a bigger Hammer let’s figure it out and I’m told not to do that to just relax and take it easy that’s practicing faith for me and it is amazing how if we will do that uh and practice that Faith answers come sometimes they’re not God’s answers but and the book says that we’re likely to make all kinds of take all kinds of absurd actions um I bought oils once because it was God’s will the um I I’ve done a lot of things because I thought it was well H now tell me this hav you know he or she walks into the room your eyes meet and it’s a God thing it’s a God thing yeah or the dress is on sale it’s a God thing the um so I’m told how to start my day I’m told that I can share that meditation with others I’m told how to pray and then I’m told that as I go through the day and I become agitated or doubtful and I will I always do you know I’m irritated or I don’t know what to do well instead of thinking harder it’s suggested that I pause imagine that pause when agitated or doubtful and pray you and ask for the right thought or decision and um and this is when here’s the part I forget we as we go through the day we pause when agitated or doubtful and ask for the right thought or decision and I want it now but then I have to read the next line which says we constantly remind ourselves that we are no longer running the show saying to ourselves many times each day thy will be done and um and I had to put that on a little Post-it next to my computer at work because I just forget I leak you know I know the stuff I read the stuff I read the stuff with others and then I go into the office or anywhere else and I forget I have to constantly remind myself that I’m no longer running the show and that I think means constantly and I do need to be reminded of that constantly and then we have um wonderful um 11-step promises and on page 88 it says that um if we do these things we are then in much less danger of excitement fear anger worry self-pity or foolish decisions we become much more efficient we do not tire so easily anybody get tired I mean do you just have days where man I’m just so tired it’s amazing how well meditation work it work meditation works so well that I’ll stop using it this is working I think I’ll stop and then I’m exhausted again um we do not tire so easily for we’re not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves it works it really does and they tell us that we are undisciplined and that we let God discipline us in a simple way just outline the first 11 steps and I used to have this really uh negative feeling about discipline I Associated it with punishment um which it’s not you know I’m so glad for Websters uh but the way I understand discipline today it’s a very loving thing you know and parents for instance who insist that their children brush their teeth really love their children they’re willing for the child to be unhappy for a moment and have teeth so that he or she can eat yeah um you know to Pro to to love enough to provide the structure that’s needed for another person’s welfare is hard work you know it’s hard work and it’s it’s hard as humans um and I can see where that does and doesn’t happen as a human but I think it’s so beautiful that we uh and there are many other spiritual practices they have the same thing but this one works for me and it’s so beautiful that that some power greater than myself loved us so much that he literally inspired a book of direction that would give me what I cannot give myself which is a loving discipline a way of living a design for living that really really works um I think it’s probably time for a break and then we’ll come back for a short session I guess so you want to take 10 minutes okay thank you okay um see we probably need to wrap up soon I know that sitting is hard work and I’ve just been yada yada yada yada yada and bless your hearts you know thank you um it’s um so I think that I think that we’ll just have a short session and be done it occurred to me that I hadn’t talked much about that third piece of inventory the conduct inventory which um I mean the book starts off by saying now about sex which always got my attention but the um so the first several times I wrote this inventory it was purely about sexual conduct or conduct with uh people with whom I had sexual relationships or hopes for and um and it was pretty simple the way I was taken through it on page 69 there are um yeah there are two paragraphs one’s right in the middle of the book and it tells me exactly what to do says I review my conduct over the years past and then I’m given a series of questions well the first time I wrote this I went chronologically from uh Bobo in kindergarten it’s just what I did and I asked these questions where had I been selfish where had I been dishonest where had I been inconsiderate now it occurred to me that a lot of these questions sounded repetitive because when I wrote in resentment inventory uh I I looked in that last column at where I’d been selfish where I’d been uh dishonest and it was explained to me that I still need to look at these questions here because A lot’s happened since resentment inventory you know I may have been resentful at someone I may have gotten to that fourth column but then um I had that prayer and meditation I’ve looked at fears and so by the time I get to conduct inventory I’m actually looking at everything differently because I’m free of resentment I’m free of fear and now I can really look at my conduct and today I don’t limit this to just sexual conduct today when I write inventory about my boss you know I’m resentful blah blah blah I look at the fears okay and then I ask myself where was I selfish where was I dishonest where was I inconsiderate who did I hurt uh did I unjustifiably aroused jealousy how about suspicion what about bitterness I can do that in the workplace where was I at fault what should I have done instead probably anything other than what I did we got this all down on paper and looked at it so it’s not something I do in my head it’s something I do on pap paper the um and and it’s real important that I do that because the next paragraph tells me that it’s in this way I try to shape a sane and sound ideal for my future sex life I subject each relation to the test was it selfish or not and they all are for me I have not had one relationship yet that was not selfish maybe it’s enlightened selfishness but it’s still selfishness I I and then I’m given prayers I ask God I pray I ask God to mold my ideals and help me to live up to them remembering always that my sex powers suggest that sex is powerful were god-given and good not to be used lightly or selfishly which I did a whole lot of nor to be despised and loathed which I did a whole lot of whatever my ideal turns out to be I must be willing to grow toward it um and there’s some more there this is so important because after I wrote that first bit of inventory my sponsor led me into literally writing out a sane and sound ideal for my future and I’m on my fourth one over the years and I carry each one in my wallet it’s amazing I carry it in my wallet because later on when I don’t know what to do I pull it out it’s like okay are your actions going to take you toward or away from this and so it’s a wonderful barometer it’s it’s a guidepost if you will one of uh I happened to have a piece of earlier inventory wasn’t the first one this is one where I was having trouble with my relationship again and so I did kind of a a group thing I won’t read the entire inventory but but I began answering the questions and I and I the prayer was God please help me see more I’ve been selfish uh with all these men and that I was always in the relationships for what I needed it was about what I could get from them emotional security praise money things and protection and there was never enough of any of this I was dishonest I had nothing real to share with them I simply became who I thought they wanted I was dishonest in making promises and vows that I knew I wasn’t willing to keep I always knew that divorce or walking out was an option always had a door open no commitment I was inconsiderate by always thinking of my needs and even when I did consider their needs it was based on what I thought they needed never ask anybody and then I list uh the the men I had Hur and how the common pattern was I tell them lies to get what I think I need and want I make promises I don’t keep I arouse jealousy suspicion and bitterness as I would drift away often toward another Prince Charming each of these men were good men like considerate generous kind and loving they deserve to be treated so much differently where was I at fault I lied contrary to what I’ve always told them I haven’t really ever wanted to spend a whole lot of time with them I was always selfish always trying to fulfill my own emotional needs believing that I needed to own anyone that claimed to love me that is marry him or make sure that he understood that if he loved me we should be married that’s an old idea if you love me you should want to marry me I never embraced the spirit of marriage rather it was a legal contract that protected me I’m at fault in responding to whoever notices me and expresses an attraction I never discriminated when it came to the attention of men in short I am a self-centered self-seeker who is attracted to being attractive too and I always seek to fulfill my own emotional voids I have both loathed and despised sex how I used it and my sexual partners I have used my sex Powers very lightly and selfishly to get what I wanted when I want it and I’ve often done it without having sex and you probably understand what I’m talking about what should I have done told the truth kept my Promises Kept sex sacred and good been willing to give what I wanted rather than take take take and in many instances just stayed out of their lives now none of that’s pretty um and none of that’s really who I am it’s who I became you know it’s where these things drove me and that last piece what should I have done instead became my springboard for my san sound ideal it was my second one um you know tell the truth keep my promises keep sex sacred and good uh be willing to give rather than take take take yeah and my sponsor explained to me that my Sint and sound ideal is not a resume for him it’s not he needs to be this this this it’s about who I want to bring to the relationship you I’d never thought about it from that angle so that’s been a wonderful thing my current Sint and sound ideal that I’ve been carrying for some time each one by the way has come to pass without me really even noticing it’s you know it says if we’re willing to grow toward it which I generally am I wouldn’t have written it if I wasn’t and we do it with God and the book tells us that we are not the Arbiters of anyone’s conduct I have absolutely no business judging what you do you know and likewise um you know I tell the women I walk with that you know if it’s your ideal to hang out with 12 Monkeys that’s fine as long as you and God are okay with it you know who am I the um my current ideal is I pray that I may grow in faith and have the courage to be true to God Capital Yu and be honest with my love I pray that I may never violate another I pray that I may love in ways that God would have me in ways that heal and are expressions of his love through me I pray that I may honor another and not trespass or deceive I pray for willingness to go where you lead where God leads never using another to satisfy my needs or blaming another for my lack and um actually a great deal of that has come to pass and and I got to see that in the final days with Richard and it continues uh to develop I um I mentioned that Richard and I wanted to be friends before lovers and we did the best we could um but I’m actually having a relationship today with my best friend you know with uh my friend Mike whom I’ve known for years and years and years and um you know it truly is amazing how when we look back uh the things we put into God’s hands turn out to be better than anything we could have planned or expected and I continued to learn about love in um ways I never thought possible I don’t need to be married today I don’t need him to want to marry me which is a good thing because I don’t think he does and that’s fine it’s not um it’s not about that but to to be open to the possibilities of what God might have in store makes life truly an adventure to not know what’s around the corner is extraordinary and um and to just learn about love you know to just learn about love and to love someone as they are where they are um still learning that one you know what I do understand is that if I can’t love you as you are where you are it’s not love yeah it’s not love it’s something but it’s not love and um every you know I learned that with in all of my relationships uh going back to the 12th step having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps we tried to carry this message to other alcoholics and to practice these principles in all of our affairs the 12th step is the reason for the first 11 and that is if you will what I believe God’s will is for me today and that’s a full-time job to try to carry this message to other alcoholics and to try to practice these principles in all of my Affairs that’s plenty I don’t really need to spend too much time thinking about what you’re doing or or how it’s affecting me I got to watch um got to watch my brothers who both drink like we people of my type drink and um when I first got sober I did everything that chapter 7 says don’t do and I read the chapter and my sponsor read it with me and I understood the you know the Black Ink on the white page and I did everything it said not to do I was handing out big books and pamphlets and I was just irritating a lot of people cuz I had the answer and um could have ruined some it might have ruined some opportunities but eventually I got to a point where I understood with my brothers that I wasn’t going to save them or fix them and that I could actually love them sober or drunk you know that I could act doesn’t mean I have to enable them but I can love them sober or drunk and that’s a tremendous freedom I can remember in early sobriety when I would get close to someone and they drink I’d get mad and hurt and angry and go through all this emotional trauma um they drank and I’m going through the trauma the um because everything’s about how I feel and today it’s such a tremendous freedom to understand that I don’t understand you know I had to experience a lot of Despair in order to find the blessing of the life I have today and I would not I don’t believe I could Embrace and experience the blessing of the life I have today without every bit of that despair so who am I to stand in the way of yours you who am I to get in the way of anybody’s despair you know if if that’s their Journey you know where they need to go and U my brothers Bobby and Kevin um they’ve got plenty of enabling going on um we have a mother who’s loving them to death um God bless her God bless her and what do I know uh my brother Bobby did um and some of you have heard about this he did get sober a couple of years ago he was um very very in bad shape he was he’s got a wife and two kids and he was living at this runchy hotel um and he he called me up and we didn’t know where he was really or what he was doing but he called me up and just drunk as could be and wanted to know if I would come see him and I said why and he said because I’m lonely I said okay I’ll I’ll come see you Bobby so I picked up a sandwich and I went over and he opened the door and you know and it was just all there H the despair um well I don’t need to describe it it was all there so he ate the sandwich and I said you know I’m going to a meeting do you want to go and oh no no no I’m too drunk to go to AA and so the next day he calls me and wants to know if I’ll come visit and I said how come he said I’m lonely so I picked up a Sandage and I showed up we went through a similar thing and said I’m going to a meeting tonight do you want to go oh no no I’m never going to AA drunk again and because you taught me to listen I thought I heard what he was saying he can’t stop drinking but he’s got this idea that he can’t go to a meeting drunk he’s in a no- win situation and so I said you know Bobby it’s Alcoholics Anonymous not sober people Anonymous yeah and um but he didn’t go so he called me the next day he said will you come over I said sure I’ll come over so I called my friend Mike and uh we got there early because it takes a long time to get a drinking drunk ready to do anything and um and I reminded him cuz he protested that it’s okay you know it’s alcoholic synonymous is for people who can’t stop drinking and so we got him dressed and we we went to a a little Club in in our city the Westside Club where you can still smoke uh you don’t even need cigarettes you just breathe deeply and we took my brother there uh and he was ripe and they welcomed him they didn’t let him disrupt the meeting but they welcomed him yeah and they loved him and I don’t think he remembered anything he heard he was too drunk to remember anything he heard but he obviously remembered what he experienced what he experienced was the love of alcoholic annonymous uh because he went back you and he went back and he eventually I got sober and he had two years in November and was in a halfway house and for a variety of reasons he’s been keeping himself sober you know he drank again and and now he has he got he’s his new sobriety date is March 20th and it was amazing when he drank again uh and I’m still digesting this because I didn’t have any emotional trauma I mean I’d love my brother to be so I would love my brother to experience all of this but I don’t don’t know what he needs what I do know is that I love him I mean I love my brother drunk or sober I love him and I know he knows that um he knows uh that he can’t move in with me and he’s asked you know over the last two years he’s asked several times and and I’ve prayed about it and I know it’s it’s not good it would not be a loving thing for him and um and it’s because of God that I can say no you know and let him know that I I know that you’re capable of getting a job I know you’re capable of being self-supporting I’ll help you with that and I will um but he just um he doesn’t know he doesn’t know what he’s capable of he’s going to discover it I think but he’s uh he’s sober one day at a time he’s back into meetings and who knows who knows where his journey will take him but my goodness what he’s taught me you know I can love my brother drunk or sober the um the way the 12th step uh Works in my life today I am blessed and surrounded by so many wonderful people and so many wonderful women you know I get to walk this journey with so many sisters and I get to see the miracle manifested everywhere the um the 12th tradition keeps coming to mind and um and it’s one I’ve been meditating upon for some time in the long form and just very quickly the 12th tradition which by the way I I and there’s obviously no time today I so appreciate what the Traditions do in my work life in my home life on the interstate when I’m at the drugstore the concept of having unity in all my relationships and putting the group welfare whatever group that might be above my own personal welfare has literally transformed my world the um 12th tradition says and finally we of Alcoholic Anonymous believe that the principle of anonymity has an immense spiritual significance it reminds us that we are to place principles before personalities that we are actually to practice a genuine humility this to the end that our great blessings may never spoil us that we shall forever live in thankful contemplation of him PR who presides over us all and as I meditate upon this this principle of anonymity has an immense spiritual significance what does that mean I mean there’s personal anonymity there’s anonymity at the level of press radio and film but the anonymity uh with the way this touches me today this immense spiritual significant significance is for the longest time I believe that my sobriety was my gift for whatever reason I was blessed with sobriety um it’s my arrogance you know to think that for some reason you know I got this blessing and somebody else didn’t um what I believe today in light of the 12th tradition is that God who is immensely spiritual and is spiritual significance is anonymous and that my sobriety really has very little to do with me and that my sobriety has a great deal to do with how God wants to love someone else through me the um and I’ll tell you how I came to understand this it’s by walking with others you know and when I watch women get sober and when I watch women use these principles and I when I watch what happens in the lives of their children and their spouses and their parents and when I watch all these lives being touched by their sobriety I am convinced uh Beyond a doubt that their sobriety has very little to do with them and so much to do with God loving those kids and loving those spouses and loving those parents through them um we’re just channels we’re just channels the um to be reminded to place principles before personalities for me is about placing these principles above my personality not yours it’s my personality that will get in the way and to practice a genuine humility um I’m not quite sure I understand what that means I understand that humility is truth and to practice a genuine truth probably means to understand more deeply that I don’t understand um and this uh to this to the end that our great blessings may never spoil us oh I’ve been spoiled you know thinking that my sobriety is about me or that I know something no uh a genuine humility that we may never be spoiled that we shall forever live in thankful contemplation thankful contemplation of him who presides over us all God’s Not Just loving me or you he’s loving us all you I’m just not always awake to it but it’s happening um what a journey you know and I just feel like I’m at the beginning just at the beginning uh more will be revealed what I’d like to suggest if if you wouldn’t mind is I’ve got this meditation that literally came from God some years ago um and it’s um it’s one of my favorite and if you’d uh be willing to join me then if you’d like to just get comfortable and gently close your eyes for me meditation by the way I I do exactly what the book suggest in the 11th step and I’ve done a lot of other things and then I’ve come back to exactly what the book suggest to the in the 11th step and then I add two so if you’d like to uh gently close your eyes and and let us start the way we start life with a deep breath in and out as we breathe breathe let’s imagine imagine that you are not your personality your compassion for others Let It Go your judgment of others Let It Go your ability to make others laugh Let It Go your ability to make others cry Let It Go everything that makes up your personality with each breath let it go you are not your personality imagine that you are not your mind your mind that decides what is right and what is wrong Let It Go your mind that makes decisions about what to do and what not to do Let It Go your mind that believes it knows what is good and what is bad Let It Go every thought idea and opinion let it go you are not your mind imagine that you are not your body you are not your feet or your legs let them go you are not your hands or your arms let them go with each breath in and out let your body go breathe imagine that you are not your disease it is in you but it is not you let it go breathe you are not your personality you are not your mind you are not your body do you understand what you are you are God’s creation you are eternal breathe thank you all for the blessing blessing of today I love you go in peace thank you for listening to sober Sunrise if you enjoyed today’s episode please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message until next time have a great day