AA Speaker – Rick K. – Edmonton, Alberta – 2008
Rick K. from Edmonton shares how surrender and acceptance transformed his marriage, family, and sobriety after years of drinking, lying, and failed attempts at recovery.
Rick K. from Edmonton, Alberta got sober on his 31st birthday after years of failed attempts, blackouts, and a marriage on the verge of collapse. In this AA speaker tape, he walks through how surrender—not willpower—became the turning point, and how working the steps with a strong sponsor helped him rebuild his marriage, become a father, and discover what real family life could be.
Rick K. shares his story of alcoholism, failed early sobriety attempts, and finally getting sober through surrender and sponsor-guided step work. He describes how admitting powerlessness and doing the steps—especially Fourth and Fifth Steps with his sponsor—shifted his entire approach to recovery and relationships. After getting sober, Rick rebuilt his marriage, became a father through adoption, and found that belonging to the fellowship of AA (not just the program) kept him sober and gave him a life he never imagined possible.
Episode Summary
Rick K. opens with the brutal honesty that defines his talk: “If I never drank I wouldn’t be here.” Born in Ontario in 1953 to a family with heavy drinking and significant need—his older sister had severe cerebral palsy, his father drank himself to death—Rick saw early on what alcohol could do. But he didn’t see it as a warning. He saw it as normal. He saw dancing, laughter, excitement.
His first drink at a river party with neighborhood kids is telling. While they spit it out, he finished the jar and came home in a police cruiser in someone else’s clothes. His father’s warning—”if you can’t handle that stuff, leave it alone”—landed on deaf ears. Rick’s response: “I’ll try harder.” And he did try harder—at controlling the drinking, at holding his liquor, at managing the chaos. He became the guy who could hold more, drive everyone home, keep going. He didn’t understand that capacity wasn’t strength; it was damage.
School was brutal too. Undiagnosed dyslexia (not recognized in the late 1950s) meant daily strapping for poor performance. He was smart-mouthed, quick, precocious—but he couldn’t read. Grades 9 through 12 kept him out of university. At 16, he found the kitchen. He became a red seal chef, and he loved it—the creation, the control, the energy. He was “a very much a Hitler type guy for running the kitchen,” but he loved it. And he drank while he did it.
He met a woman—Irish eyes, beautiful—and married her on August 20, 1977, the same day Elvis was buried. He had no skills for marriage. His parents partied; they didn’t model partnership. What he brought to marriage was the same thing he brought to everything else: drinking, lying, sneaking, hiding. His wife worked shift work as a nurse; he’d go out the back door when she left the front. He’d sweat through his clothes, scald himself in showers trying to wash off the smell of booze. He’d lie, and one lie became three or four to cover it.
She’d ask him the same question over and over: “Why do you have to lie? Why do you sneak? Why can’t you just tell me you drank?” He didn’t know. It took him seven years sober to understand that the opposite of love isn’t hate—it’s indifference. He was willing to do anything to hide his drinking because he cared desperately what she thought. He just couldn’t stop.
The AA speaker tape moves through his early attempts at recovery. In Vancouver, he went to a meeting at Mount Pleasant—shaking so badly he spilled his coffee all over the floor, hiding behind the biggest guy he could find. He heard an old guy from Edmonton (Earl B.) tell a story that mirrored his own behavior exactly: pouring his drink bigger, keeping a dirty glass hidden, getting caught. For a moment, he felt seen. But he wasn’t ready. He went in and out of AA multiple times, what he calls “premature sobriety.” He’d go because he had no excuses, or because he got caught, but he didn’t want to do what it took to stay sober.
The final bottom came with another impaired charge. In court, the cop’s testimony was damning—he’d pulled Rick over twice in blocks, and the second time Rick jumped out of his car screaming at him. Rick pleaded guilty. On the way home, he couldn’t face the old dance with his wife anymore: he’d be sorry, she’d be hurt, he’d manipulate her into an argument so she’d get angry and he could offer her an “alternative” (like limiting drinks to wine only). This time he had a new plan: he’d tell her he was moving out. She packed in less than two hours.
He left that house in defiance, thinking he’d show her. Instead, he got worse. He borrowed money, dropped 25-30 pounds in five or six weeks, had a seizure on a sidewalk. He went through treatment. He came back out and had two more drunks that were “not remarkable”—just the same old blackouts, waking up empty and unable to fight. On his 31st birthday, August 8, 1985, he got sober. “They said keep it simple, so I got sober on my birthday.”
What changed everything was getting uncomfortable enough to actually do the work. He made coffee for the group—and he was terrified they wouldn’t like it, so he bought Colombian beans and ground them just right. No one said anything. But he came early with the keys, opened the room, set up chairs, laid out literature. He “started to live like I believed that AA might work.” He joined the group physically, not just showed up to meetings.
When someone asked him to be a sponsor, he picked a guy he thought wouldn’t work out—his sponsor, Terry C., with the big Irish grin and brush cut. Terry was his sponsor for 19 years. In step work, everything clicked. When his sponsee said he was ready to do step three, Rick found the page, read the promises, got on his knees, and prayed. By doing that with another person, he closed the back door on himself. There was no escape route. “This God thing had to work or else.”
Step Four was the breakthrough. At first it was just a grocery list of resentments. But the Big Book showed him something that changed everything: he looked at the people who hurt him and saw that they were “spiritually sick,” not just bad people. The moment he gave them their humanity back, he got his own. The forgiveness was built in. Step Four became freeing, not punishing.
Step Five was terrifying—he had secrets. He flew to Vancouver and did a Fifth Step with someone from his old home group. Sitting in a parking lot after coffee, it all came out. His fear was that it would devastate the other guy. Instead, what Rick got was this: “It could never hurt me again. I could tell anyone in bits and pieces and I would never be alone with it again.”
His step work continued, but the real shift happened when his sponsor made him take the steps home—to actually be present with his wife. For years he’d back out of the room while talking to her, afraid of confrontation. It took time. But they got back together. They decided to have kids. Nothing happened. They looked into adoption.
When the social worker came to assess them, Rick went to his sponsor and asked: “Do I tell her I’m an alcoholic? Do I risk everything?” Terry gave him the answer Rick needed: “I don’t know, Rick. What do you think you should do?” Rick sat with that, understood it, and when the social worker came, he made tea and said, “I’m an AA member.” Three weeks later, the head of the department called his office. She said they thought he and his wife were wonderful, and that she’d been at the Camel Club when he spoke. Their first son came through private adoption. He’s a hell of a young man.
Then came a second adoption. A beautiful baby girl, Sarah. They had her six days. On the sixth day, the birth mother changed her mind. Every fiber of Rick wanted to hate and resent it. But he asked his sponsor: “What’s the right thing to do?” He and his wife took Sarah back to the agency without laying guilt on the birth mother. They gathered all the gifts and took them with her.
Soon after, his wife told him she was pregnant. Rick looked out the window and made a joke: “Well, the last time this happened there were three wise men and a virgin from the East.” Their second son, Luke, was born almost exactly a year after Sarah’s due date. Luke has the same learning disability Rick has—dyslexia. But because they knew what it was, they could help him. He does well in school. He talks to Rick. He has self-esteem.
About ten years into sobriety, Rick went to the doctor with shortness of breath. They found a spot in his lung. For 17 days he had anxiety. The night before surgery, a parish priest came and prayed with him. He slept. The surgery revealed a benign tumor. He woke up cured.
Throughout the talk, Rick emphasizes one thing: he doesn’t belong to the program of AA; he belongs to the fellowship. He tried staying sober on fellowship alone—it didn’t work. What kept him sober was the work. What kept him humble was strong men who didn’t tell him what to do, but let him find his own bottom and made him do the steps. His sponsor used to tell him: “Whatever you do with these guys you work with, do it with love. Don’t be hard on these people.”
Rick’s gratitude is real and specific. “AA works there’s recovery in my life there’s recovery in my family’s life and it’s because the fellowship makes you do the damn steps.” His son is at university on scholarship, on the Dean’s list, living his dreams—because Rick got a new dream when he surrendered.
Notable Quotes
If I never drank I wouldn’t be here.
The opposite of love is not hate—it’s indifference. The opposite of love is when you don’t care at all.
My definition of denial is exactly the same as when I got here: when I think I don’t have to do what you have to do to stay sober, I’m in denial.
The minute I started letting those people be human that had hurt me, instead of being bad people, I was giving them their humanity and I was gaining my own.
I started to live like I believed that AA might work, and that’s when the most profound thing happened—I really physically joined AA.
I don’t belong to the program of AA. I belong to the fellowship of AA. I tried to stay sober on fellowship alone—it didn’t work.
Whatever you do with these guys you work with, do it with love. Don’t be hard on these people.
Step 5 – Admission
Sponsorship
Family & Relationships
Marriage & Sobriety
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
- Step 5 – Admission
- Sponsorship
- Family & Relationships
- Marriage & Sobriety
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
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welcome to sober Sunrise a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience strength and Hope from around the world we bring you several new speakers weekly so be sure to subscribe we hope to always remain an adree podcast so if you’d like to help us remain self-supporting please visit our website at sober-remix than a sober Sunrise we hope that you enjoy today’s speaker my name is Rick and I’m an alcoholic and I used to drink a if I never drank I wouldn’t be here I’m real proud member to be a member of the Mystic nights that meet Wednesday nights uh I belong to an amazing group of old farts now I understand the Klux clan in the southern States is called The Mystic Knights and how we ended up with a group with that name I’ll never know but I refer to it as the old farts group in fear of that getting around right anyways I better start drinking I guess um I better tell you who I am I was uh I was born in Ontario 53 years ago into a family with four kids and I was the uh third kid I had a much older brother brother I had a sister who was a bit 7 years younger and I was 7 years younger than her and I had a sister that was seven younger years younger than me so my mother had babies for 21 years and the joke in my house was my father got the seven-year rich and stayed home and uh we my older sister was severely cerebral paly and she was brain injured from birth and um this was before healthc care as we know it today healthc care started in 1964 and so my sister was in braces and on drugs and had to have physiotherapy all every night and my mother and father always had black eyes from her spasic arms and legs shooting out and and it was a house where there was a huge need for people to get together so I saw things like AA in my youth I saw dances fundraising dances I saw um the community get together and in my house there was lots of drinking um I come from a background where we’re part Irish and part Scottish which makes sense to me now part of me is always wanted to get drunk and the other part never wanted to pay and uh we had great parties in that house there was lots of dancing and lots of laughter and if there was something abnormal about it I didn’t get that I didn’t get that at all because it was it was what I knew it was my home and and my father uh died a drunk he died a drunk but it was normal it was excitement it was dancing it was people laughing and having fun and that’s what I associated with drinking but there was something wrong with my drinking thing the very first time I drank there was a bunch of kids from the neighborhood went camping down at the river and before we left we got a peanut butter Jar full of everything there was Jin there was vodka there was rum there was Sherry there was Andy thing to take leave nose hairs on the pillow right and we got down to the river and the jar went around once and they were all spitting it out they’re all fools and I finished that jar so I came home in the back of a police cruiser in someone else’s clothes that’s not very funny and my father made a statement to me then he said son if you can’t handle that stuff you leave it alone and my Keen mind said I’ll try harder and I worked I it may not have been my fault Herold but I worked real hard on it and uh and it started out with me being able to keep for from coming up my nose and it ended up being me trying very much um to keep the lights from going out and from me doing sad pathetic things I had blackouts right from the beginning and I never knew never knew which night it was going to be was it going to be the night where I’d have four drinks and I’d grit my teeth and put everyone around me through the misery of not drinking anymore or were the lights going to go out and was I going to start dancing on tables and I never knew I just never knew and I got in trouble um I was kind of a clown I was the guy that always got caught and got in trouble I my when I was in school I was the kid at the back of the classroom there was always some girl with a bun on her head at the front of the class and she was the Keener and I never wanted to be a Keener in my life you remember that girl who always was pumping her arm and always wanted to answer all the questions first there was one in all of my classes and I never wanted to be that person I was at the back of I was a clown always well I got in trouble and um and I lived in a in a kind of a crazy household um because because we had sural Pauls in our house um there were people always coming and going there was uh there was always this activity and excitement but it was a good home overall and I was raised in a home where I never ever saw my father say anything disparagingly about my mother he always treated her with Grace and dignity he was a drunk but he never said anything unkind in front of anyone else when they’re alone he used to call her that thin lip print Presbyterian woman but that was a different thing that was the Scottish side right and uh um but I I was the kind of guy that was I I got real good at drinking and I was the guy that drove everyone else home cuz I could hold my liquor better I didn’t understand that that just meant I had a fatty liver in my mind I thought that that meant I could I was more of a man and one of the greatest Horrors in my life is I was very tiny as a child I was the kind of kid that would run in and out of a fireplace without clocking myself on the head I was so tiny and growing up I heard cute little Ricky a lot more than I wanted to hear I wanted to be Rick you know you know and I’m this weak chinned little snot right and I never was I never was and uh I was never uh never a lover I got get too drunk too fast I was never a fighter I had a medical problem in all fairness I had no guts do what you want to the girl but leave me alone you know I was never a fighter I never wanted to be that I don’t like pain line up for that dummy you know but I like the party and uh I was working at a or I I had to leave school early I uh I had I had a a learning disability that wasn’t recognized in the late 50s and early 60s I was dyslexic severely and uh and so I was strapped daily and weekly for uh not performing at the level they figured I should have performed at because I was always precocious I always had a smart ass mouth I always was one lines and quick lines and right now and they always expected more out of me and yet I couldn’t read I think I was 13 before a teacher taught me to close one eye to read and uh and so I I had a real problem with authority I’m I’m still bristle when I walk into schools with my kids um because I had some teachers that just wouldn’t give up on me Dam them and uh I can honestly say today there’s four things that that kept me from a University degree those four things were grades 9 10 11 and 12 the first real good chance I had to get away from school um I was working I was just 16 years old and I was working as a dishwasher in a in a little restaurant and the short order cook had a stroke and they handed me a hamburger Turner and an apron and said start turning Burgers kid and and uh and I fell in love with the the idea of becoming a chef I you know I was I was going to become a connoisseur I guess but the way I drank I was a common seur I mean it was just didn’t fit right but I I really liked I really liked the kitchen and I really I was I was a very much a Hitler type guy for running the kitchen but I really loved it because it was created and I could have fun all day long and kid people and teas and and and I and I did pretty well at it and I and I started an apprenticeship and I got my my chef papers I became a red seal Chef still don’t know what the hell that means u i I always had to cook and uh and I really loved it I really loved it but I drank and I always drank drank as much much as I could hold control drinking is is largely put as much as you can inside of you and try and control yourself and try not to spill any once you get her in keep her there I I was working at a very exclusive Country Club I was the Sue chef and that’s the second in command and this little brunette started working there and she was different you know she had you that Irish eyes are smiling stuff it really happens you know and uh and I started dating this poor gal and uh we I work a split shift and we go over to my parents’ place and go for a swim in the afternoon and then go back to work in the evening and uh and we had a ball and I had a honeymoon with booze and dancing and partying and for me booze was sweaty bodies thrashing around on dance floors it was excitement we had a ball and uh and I just it was crazy fun we had and there came that time I got charged with impaired driving again and I got real scared so I proposed to her no but it it really was a romantic thing you know it it really was because despite being afraid and uh terrified of where I was headed um I really wanted I really wanted to be a whole guy you know I wanted to be I want to be the guy that sat across from the table and she’d look over and she’d give you that knowing look guys you you know that look yeah I didn’t either for a long time she’d look across the table and you give that knowing look and go that’s my guy you know no way not for a long long time I was I think about it I mean that’s we we got married um August 20th 1977 the exact same day they were Ling luring Elvis Presley into the ground we got married and my wife was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen in my entire life coming up the aisle all sparkly Irish eyed and and uh and I had no skills for this you know my my parents partied and had a good time it’s not like I had a lot of great examples and so we got so I never forget telling my dad I said I said I’m going to marry Joan and he said oh don’t do that to her Jesus kid I think it was a common joke in those days you know oh leave her alone the poor girls had enough but we got married and and and it started something really awful see we just previous to marriage for 3 years or two years whatever it was Joanne was in nursing school and I was drinking all week and some of my heaviest drinking came when she was away in nursing school and I go visit her on weekends and I was Twitchy I had hives I was in such toxic overload from booze and uh why she didn’t see this Twitchy Hive colored thing I don’t know but um we ended up uh ended up getting married and then the shock of marriage was now I had to be that guy on the other side of the table and I was in this horrible thing where I really needed to drink by then and and fortunately or unfortunately being a nurse meant she worked shift work so she’d go out the front door and I’d go out the back door and I’d be hit in the booze and uh I was very physically allergic so when Joanne would come in it was like faldy coming out my pores just like urinal soap I smell I smell bad so when they say what an odor I used to think what an odor you know that was me I really was bad shape and I used to scald myself I was a scaler i’ get up in the morning and I have that oily sweat from drinking the night before I don’t know if any of you ever had that where you feel just like itchy and rotten and and I used to scald and so I I I was also i’ sleep through the alarm two or three times with that 10-minute button so get up 20 minutes late run through a steaming shower and hit traffic with a red face and wave at everyone with a one finger get out of my way I’m going and that’s how I lived and it was upset stomach sweaty awful horrible feelings that high voltage electrical wire with no insulation feeling and that’s what booze was like and I started getting in trouble in my marriage and I started lying and I started sneaking and I started hiding and the problem with lying is is if you tell one there’s three or four more coming on the tail of that to cover it and I would get confused and I would make mistakes in my lies and Joanne would look at me and it was like I had just kicked her new puppy or something she’d look at me and she’d say I understand you drank why do you have to lie and sneak why why’ you do that and I didn’t know I didn’t know see I always thought the opposite of love was hate and I would tell everyone my wife and I have this LoveHate relationship it’s either it’s either making up or having a reason to make up and and it was it was such a a mood swing between the two of us but the the truth was the truth was the opposite of love is not hate it’s indifference the opposite of of of Love is when you don’t care at all and I never got to a point that I didn’t care what my wife thought of me never it it bothered me and I wanted to hide it and I wanted to make sure that she didn’t see that horrible side of me and I was willing to do anything to do that and uh was years I was 7 years sober before I understood why I was so sneaky and why I lied so much I didn’t want to get caught but I was never sorry till I got caught cuz I was so busy planning the next drunk I was so busy watching the calendar gets over oil and you miss you miss things cuz you don’t watch the calendar and uh anyways uh we finally got to a point um I said we better move and we moved to Vancouver and we lived there for four or 5 years and then we moved here about 25 years ago and in between I’d gone to AA I’d got caught in my lies enough times and I’d done enough stupid things that I had to go to AA and it was uh I’ll never forget going to the meeting in Vancouver I had we had we Joan had let me buy a 1956 Ford Fairlane it was going to be my new hobby that was going to keep me from drinking and I don’t know anything about cars so I laid under this thing and drank and the Bloody windshield wipers didn’t work right or anything and the night I went to AA it was raining in Vancouver and I went to the Mount Pleasant group it was 16th just off of Main Street and I had to turn the the wiper thing on this stupid old Ford and uh and I got there and I clobbered curb and uh you know and I walked up and this guy stuck out his hand he said hi I’m Stan I’m an alcoholic welcome I thought what the hell do you want and then I went in there and it was one of these one of these Church basements that had a window much like this room right here has and there were those sweet little blue-haired ladies back there pushing no coffee that’s what my memory tells me it was and they pushed out a cup of coffee to me full to the brim and the table was 5 ft into the groom with the cream and the sugar on it and I looked at that coffee and I was shaking like a dog pooping Peach pits and so I splashed her all over the floor and then I went and found the biggest fattest sweatiest guy I could hide behind and sat through that meeting and there was an old guy there that had originally been from Edmonton Earl be Earl be had curly white hair and a big red face and he laughed out loud and he talked told a story about how when he drank he used to pour everyone’s drinks about 2 in and his about 4 in and I thought gee I’ve done that and then he said and I kept a dirty glass up in the cupboard and I thought that rotten woman of mine called them and uh cuz I did that and he talked about how halfway through the night he’d start to get drunk and how he’d start pouring everyone else’s 4 in and they’d be spitting him back in the glass and I knew she called them then and uh and I was very paranoid in those days every time I drove at night I headlights would be behind me and I’d think what did I do the other night the police are following me now they’re going to get me and I was so paranoid then and uh anyways I was in and out of AA um for a long time I I suffered uh something a lot of you men probably or some of you may have gone through I had premature sobriety I wasn’t ready I didn’t want it I did not want to be an alcoholic I’d go to a meetings because I didn’t have any excuses or because I got caught again or whatever but I really didn’t want to do what you do to stay sober today since August 8th 1985 my definition of uh denal is exactly the same as when I got here it’s when I think I don’t have to do what you have to do to stay sober I’m in denial I have to do the drill there’s no question but I came back I moved Joan here and uh I got started going to a meeting I was going to a meeting was called the Youngstown group it meant Monday nights and had Minon and I was in and out so many times that old George started putting my sober date and pencil and that’s not funny either you know yeah and I I really wanted to be upset about that because every time I came back I was always sorry I wasn’t willing to do the drill or the work but I was sorry and I and I and I was heard about it but I wasn’t willing to do what you do to stay sober finally uh I got charged for impair driving one more time I assume I must have been a bit of a blackout because I got to court fully expecting my lawyer to know what he was doing and to get me off and the policeman got up there and he flipped open his little black book he said I pulled Mr killan over at so and so Street and so and so Avenue he handed me his driver’s license his insurance rolled up the window and drove away you laugh at the wrong Parts I like I didn’t remember that part you know and my lawyer was supposed to know everything and so I looked straight down I didn’t want to look at him cuz I I knew if he was laughing I was screwed you know and then he went on the policeman went on to say I subsequently pulled Mr killan over for blocks later he jumped from his car and yelled at me what the f do you want now so I pleed guilty what do you do and I came back home from court and as I was pulling up to that house I didn’t want to play the game we’d played so many times before Joanne would be hurt and upset and she wouldn’t be able to look at me let alone talk to me and I’d wait for the right time and I’d push her buttons so she’d explode emotionally she’d be be snot and tears and anger and she’d get all this energy off and then I’d offer her alternative just like in the big book where it talks about limiting the number of drinks drinking wine only and all that and I would offer Joan Alternatives and this day I couldn’t do it I had a new plan and the plan was I thought I’ll just tell come home and say I should probably move out that’ll get her she packed in less than 2 hours I was standing on my front porch of my cute little Bungalow in the west end with my matching alcoholic luggage a pair of green garbage bags and the question on my mind was how did we get here this was not the plan this was not supposed to go this way this was she was suppos to throw her arms around me and say you poor guy you know but Joanne had had enough and so in defiance I left that house that day thinking my problems in that house and I will show her and I did I got worse and uh I borrowed money from my father and from other people and in five or six weeks I dropped 25 30 lbs I’d had a seizure on a sidewalk um I was really really physically ill I had some sense that I would physically die from alcohol I really had a sense that it was going to kill me physically it was going to take me out of the game it wasn’t funny at all anymore and I could not stop I could not stop and I went through uh the treatment center that outside of Edmonton here that’s uh Infamous for so many alcoholics in this area and I came out with uh with New Hope and I went through adak and one of the treats uh the treats have coming to this this due this weekend I find out I went through it with someone’s mom or or couple’s uh counseling and it was just kind of nice to see that we did all the counseling we did all of that stuff and I had two more drunks and they were not remarkable drunks it was same old same old the Lights Went Out and I came too absolutely empty and un unable to fight anything or anybody and I came back to AA one more time it was on my 31st birthday they said keep it simple so I got sober on my birthday don’t start any new relationships Jo and I were broken up right you know so we started over from from grass routs and I started on the steps and uh and I was so full of bull you know so full of crap I didn’t know where the lies started or stopped and the truth began had it not been for strong men in AA especially my sponsor Terry C I don’t know what I would have done I really don’t there were times um that I was in everybody’s business at the meetings I was going to coffee shops and uh doing loving appraisals on all the members at the group and I just had this great spiritual depth I guess and uh but what was really happening was I was coming to a bottom Ina where I got to to a place where I was willing to do what you were doing and what you were doing was was simple stuff I had joined this group and they asked me to make coffee and I thought huh me you can’t keep me sober why should I so I went home and I I was in the coffee business that day I worked for maxel house I was the last drip and uh but I was absolutely terrified that you wouldn’t like my coffee like I mean if there is ever a group of people that are more pallet fatigued so I went out and I bought Colombian coffee beans with money I didn’t have and I ground them just right and I made the coffee just right and no one said one word but the important thing was I came early with the keys and I opened up that room and I laid out the literature and I set up the tables and the chairs and I started to live like I believed that AA might work and for me that was the most profound thing that happened was that’s when we talk about what it was like and what happened what happened to me was I really physically joined AA and I started to live like I believed and I came to believe because I was part of and and being part of has always been the most important part for me to just to be part of you no better no worse just part of you and then I made a horrible mistake um I started talking and uh they’d asked me to speak and I’d talk and this poor bugger asked me to be a sponsor oh God what do you do with that e so I tried to look good and I went out and I got a sponsor and I thought I’ll get one that won’t work out I’ll get this guy that looks like with a big Irish grin on his face and a brush cut Terry C he’ll be my sponsor it won’t work out he was my sponsor for 19 years until he had a heart attack and uh the thing was this bugger asked me to be a sponsor and he says come to me one night on a Monday night he says he says Rick I I think I’m ready to do my step three and I said oh great no problem I thought my wife’s working Thursday night come over to the house and he come over to the house and I found where step three is in the meantime it’s right after ab and C the next line says being convinced we’re now at step three thought great all start start here and I studied a bit and he came over and we started reading this thing together and we got to the top of page 63 and there’s a there’s a set of promises there that I make every guy I work with read and it talks it talks directly to when do you do your step three when you’re ready and then we got on our knees and we did step three and I set the next trap for myself because by doing that someone else knew that I had closed the back door and it was just like closing the back door for me when I did a step three with another human being I was trapped in AA there was no back door this God thing had to work or else and then there was a real sense that if I didn’t get this four and five done I wasn’t going to be able to stay with you I really wasn’t going to be able to stay with you and I did first step four and it was really a grocery list of things I like to see changed and then the next time was with a little guidance and a little help and there was some marvelous words in the big book that really changed everything about my sobriety and the words went something to the effect it was something to do with the grudge list and it said uh we saw that the world had dominated US based on that ground we weren’t going to do very well and and then The Marvelous part was we we looked again at our list and uh um we came to see that these people were perhaps spiritually sick and that we prayed for them in that way and that was the thing that changed step four from being a grocery list into being a spiritual step for me cuz the minute I started letting those people be human that had hurt me instead of being bad people I was giving them their humanity and I was gaining my own and no surprise for me the next thing that kind of happened was I didn’t feel the need to forgive me again that the forgiveness was built into that and it really helped me a lot because I was able to be a hell of a lot more honest with my inventory because I was only dreadfully boringly human and uh and it was a great freedom for me and step four wasn’t an awful thing it was a very freeing thing for me and I’d done a I’d done a step five that was search and fear-filled previously and I had Secrets damn and uh I was walking across the parking lot from McDonald’s one night and I said to Terry I said you know I I don’t think I got all that stuff on my he said yeah I know and I got on a plane that was a Friday night and I flew into Vancouver and I did I put the secrets down on paper and then I went to my old home group was talking about that earlier my old home group in Vancouver was the renre group and and there was an old guy there and I did went out for coffee and at the end of coffee he was it was just him and me sitting there and it started and I didn’t have a choice and it all just started bubbling out and I did this crap on him and he looked really bored you know but the sense I got was it could never hurt me again that I could tell anyone in bits and pieces and it would never I wouldn’t be alone with it again and I would feel good about me because I I am dreadfully boringly average I’m Garden variety at best but alone with it it seemed a lot bigger my secrets seemed big um I tried getting real careful in steps six and seven that was no fun I understand my six and seven today is uh that I’m willing to let God guide my life and that I’m to get on with the business of living and uh and when I started to get that I started have an adventure with this life and trusting God and trusting God is always my problem it’s always the problem I have um I uh I seek Justice again I got Sober by seeking Mercy when I was dropped to my knees and I couldn’t fight anything or anybody and I was willing to accept Mercy I got sober but every now and then I think I need Justice and I was blessed again I had I had strong men in my life that would say things to me like who’s not doing it your way today Rick ha haa and somewhere along the way I got the message that they were laughing at me not with me and that it was okay for me to laugh at me because I’m just human um Step 10 has been a real joy and a real chore um step nine was um probably the most humbling things I’ve done within a couple areas uh never forget calling up my sister and explained to her I was coming back home to London Ontario and I wanted to make amends and when I saw her I said I don’t know how to make amends I wasn’t there for you and she looked at me and got all Misty eyed and by then she was married and starting to have kids and she said will you be an uncle to my girls and I got the sense that she didn’t want me to hurt her again and she was going to sit back and see if I’d step up cuz I was absent in her growing up she was younger than me and didn’t know me from Adam so come just before Christmas time I would call those little girls and I’d pretend to be Santa and I get a little information on the inside and how they didn’t play well together and I do the deep voice on the phone and at the end of those phone calls as they got older they said thank you Uncle Rick and I have a good relationship with my sister today I love my sister today she’s an amazing woman and it’s uh it’s a different life the amend that was the toughest for me was my dad my dad died drunk and the amend I was four years sober and uh he was dying and and I didn’t know what the amend was going to be and I flew into London Ontario cuz we had the in the time and I did it and I picked up my dad and I drove him all the way back to Edmonton and I fed him little shots of booze every time he started going into the DTs and I got him to Edmonton but what I did was I shared my story with my dad and my dad was not going to get sober and it became obvious but what it did for me was when I made those amends with my dad’s or I shared with him who I’d been and who I was trying to become today he opened up and told me his story and my dad had a hell of a life man I had nothing to complain about my dad had a hell of a life and the piece we made um the last two years of his life I called him every Sunday night and I talked to him for 20 minutes to 2 hours and I talk to him without any reprisal about his drinking or his inability to get sober at one point my dad got so physically sick that I changed his diapers I mean he was he died the very wor worst way with his liver shut down but I was able to allow him his dignity with that and there was no unfinished business none whatsoever my dad and I were on level ground and the neat thing is is when I I look back at my dad I don’t cling to or hang on to the bad things about my dad and the horrible end he came to I think of the great gifts he had and what a hell of a man he was there were crippled children’s treatment centers built right across this country that were largely he was responsible for making happen and he was a hell of a guy he’s just a hell of a guy and when you get the amends done you get the garbage out of the way you can see you can see the good points too and it was a hell of a deal and I want to talk about my family too but I’ll talk really short about the 12-step stuff and about the people in my life um I’ve been forced to do my work in AA by working with others you know I always wanted to look good too late you know I’ve always had a perfect face for radio I’m not going to look good no what I you but working with others has always kept me on my toes it’s always forced me to open up that book it’s always forced me to be emotionally and spiritually fit it’s it’s driven me to be a better person in AA and had it been left to me a alone all alone in this head forget it what a joke but I got my wife back and that’s what I want to talk about this this theme keep it simple Cupid I could kill someone you know I mean I’m I’m short I’m balding my hair’s falling out of the top it’s showing up above my butt and I’m going to talk about go love you know wow that’s wild um but I always wanted to be a good husband I always wanted to be a dad that the kids would love and respect I really wanted to do that stuff I wanted to be no not Aussie and Harriet kind of crap but I mean oh there’s young people here they don’t know what I’m talking about do they pat yeah thanks don’t patronize yourself honey anyways I got my wife back and it was terrifying to me because I didn’t know how to be a husband I was hanging out at a meetings and I didn’t go home cuz she was there and when I say that it’s not I don’t mean that to be mean or be sarcastic but I was afraid if I was at home too much I’d start trying to fix things and I’d screw up any chance of making my marriage work and I I was really blessed I was really blessed that the the Camel Club opened and it was this new club and it’s wonderful to see Pat here because we were patrons original patrons and got that stupid place going and it was a nut house we had Dead Fred and not Dead Fred I was coffee Rick my sponsor was uh brush cut Terry and there there was all these nicknames and there were hundreds of people coming and going and uh and it was just excitement so I had an opportunity to hang out there in mind everyone else’s business while the steps happened to me and one day Terry said don’t you think it’s time you took a 12 step home and I thought you rotten old man and how do I do that you know and for years I’d be talking to my wife and backing out of the room as I’m talking to her none of you have ever done that I’m sure and I didn’t want confrontation and I didn’t want to fight and I didn’t want to do those things and it took years for me to get all the amends done to a point that I could talk back I’m happy to report I’m pleased to talk back anytime I think I’m right things are much different these days but I married Irish Catholic and in when you marry Irish cath like everybody in the family expects kids or they think there’s something wrong with Dad and uh I was sober and we’re back together and so we decided we’d start a family and uh after about I don’t know how many months and it didn’t happen and she’s a labor and delivery nurse I learned all about not wearing tight pants not sitting in hot bathtubs alarm clocks performing at night and when we still didn’t get pregnant uh couple years sober we decided we’d look into adoption and it seemed like a good option and uh this poor social worker came into house to see if we’re fit to be parents and she asked us all sorts of questions and it was it was uncomfortable but before she came in I I went to my sponsor and this is around step three time and I said Terry I don’t know what to tell her do I tell her I’m an alcoholic synonymous and risk everything I don’t know what to do and he gave me a big long speech he said I don’t know Rick what do you think you should do and I stewed with that but I really understood and and thank God I had a strong man sponsor in my life that let me make my decisions that didn’t hold my hand and tell me what to do and that poor social worker she came into our house and I she sat down in the coach and I said would you like a cup of tea I’m an AA I went and made tea 3 weeks later the phone rang and the woman it was at my office line and I was doing the last drip thing and she said she said I’m not your social worker I’m the department head my name is Elaine and then she paused and it seemed like 3 days was probably 10 seconds she says uh first off as an adoptive couple we think you’re wonderful secondly I liked what you said Saturday night at the Camel Club and after a false start and a and a failed adoption um our first son came into our life um through private adoption and uh he’s a hell of a young man you know I couldn’t be prouder don’t get me started cuz that’s I can talk for hours on that stuff and I had no skills to be a husband let alone a father and all I had learned in AA was uh there were that there were real examples of what to do and real examples of what not to do so when my kid would come home and and be upset about the other kids I’d say I don’t know is that an example what to do or what not to do and my kids have great discernment in their life and they see life as it is because theyve they’re getting a sponsorship from a guy with a brush cut he taught me how to be a dad by how his example and uh and he made me take a 12 step home and start uh start being at home and be a dad I guess about uh about 3 years after that was it 3 years uh the phone rang it was a private adoption society and it was another adoption for us and we brought a beautiful little baby girl home we named her Sarah we had her home 6 days and the law in Canada and Alberta is the birth mom has 10 days to change your mind and on the sixth day Joanne called me beep me I had a beeper it’s before cell phones 15 years ago before I had one that’s for sure and uh Joan said the agency just called our birth mom has changed her mind they want Sarah back and every fiber of my being just wanted to hate and resent how dare this happened after 6 days and I and I prayed and I asked my sponsor and he gave me another long speech they’re they’re famous for it apparently I said what do I do and he says Rick what’s the right thing to do and Joan and I discussed it and the right thing for us to do was not to get in that poor girl’s face and lay any guilt DPS on her at all the right thing to do was what we did we took uh we took Sarah back to the agency and we never saw the birth mom we gathered up all the wonderful gifts that we had been given from their friends in AA over those six days and took Sarah and those gifts back to the agency and uh and we got through it we got through it Sarah’s due date was January 28th two or 1992 and uh that may my wife came to me and said you’re not going to believe this I’m pregnant and I said you’re right I don’t believe you and I went over and looked out the window she says why are you looking out the window and I said well the last time this happened there are three wise men and a virgin from the East and I don’t want to miss it our second son was born almost a year within a week of a year of Sarah’s Duty and we named him Luke and he has learning difficulties just like his dad so he’s very special and he does well in school because we know what the problem is and my wife works real hard with this she’s she’s been the bad cop on homework I’ve been the good cop I’m a suck and but he does well in school and he’s a hell of a young man and he’s discovered football and uh he has self-esteem and um and he doesn’t have those characteristics of being lost and alone and Afraid like we do and he talks to me he tells me stuff I wouldn’t I told my old man and uh and I have to have the grace to listen without laughing at the poor kid and I have to have the grace to be a dad and these are the gifts I was given an AA I was given these gifts because alcohol surrendered me put me in an absolute state of Mercy where I couldn’t fight anything or anybody and my job ever since is to stay in a state of mercy and not look for justice and not try and fix the world but to take care of my corner to suit up show up and make an honest effort and I’m blessed um God’s been very good to me um Wendy and I have talked about um cancer more than once and uh about 10 years ago I went to the doctor cuz I was a little short of breath and the doctor uh took x-rays two days later he called me back and says come on en rck and he’d been my doctor for 20 years and and uh they found a spot in my lung and uh went in for all the CAT scans and everything and uh my little guy he’s 15 he still gets Tey when he talks about this stuff um I went and got the CAT scans and they said there’s absolutely none of the indications that are normally there for benign tumors your tumor is not calcified at all less than 2% of the tumors are uncalcified that are benign and so for 17 days I had anxiety attacks I had all those problems and the night before surgery when they decided to take that thing out the parish priest from IR I married Irish Catholic so I’m a rental eh and he’d come in and he held my hand and he prayed with me and I went to sleep that night in the magic of of being a member of AA and knowing what prayer does or being part of prayer so long happened I fell asleep and they had to wake me up to prepare me for surgery and I slept through the night with the best sleep I’d had in 17 days and I had the surgery and I woke up and there was some jackass doctor from AA that I knew that lives in Parksville now first person I met when I woke up and uh he says uh he says you’re cured ha haa and walked away and uh IID had a benign tumor but people I knew that people wouldn’t say the word cancer around me and it was an awful feeling and it is it’s a terrible place to be when you’re alone with that but People in AA are different we talk to each other a different way I don’t belong to the program of AA and it’s not semantics for me I know it sounds like semantics I belong to the fellowship of AA I tried to stay sober on Fellowship it didn’t work for me if you’re going to try that God bless you cuz there’s only examples here examples of what to do and what not to do what will work and what won’t work it’s not right or wrong and people die and when people die we all get examples of what not to do but I uh I got I got so lucky that uh I got so uncomfortable that I had to do the steps I had to do some work on the steps and that I had strong men in my life I made the mistake of getting this damn sponsor you know and he used to say to me Rick whatever you do with these guys you work with do it with love don’t be hard on these people do it with love and I thought that’s nuts I’m going to tell them straight up and I was I had a shark infested Ms and I was brutal with people for a long time I missed the point that Terry was doing that with me he was respecting he was respecting my ability to hit my little bottoms with everything and and get to the point that I was willing to do the work I was willing to do my hope and my prayer is that people that are here tonight all stay sober that the people are here will do the work they need to do to know the joy that they’re supposed to know in their life that there’s no bad examples in this room it’s hard to let go you know I’m afraid of you people and I’m afraid for you people I love this thing because it works so well and it gives an enthusiasm and passion that I’m able to put in the other areas of my life that I would never have believed not in 100 years AA works there’s recovery in my life there’s recovery in my family’s life and it’s because uh the fellowship makes you do the damn steps so I thank you very much for listening to my story I got a great life I got two amazing kids one of them is even out of my basement now you know he’s moved on to University he’s got his own scholarship he’s on Dean’s lists he’s doing all that stuff you know and he’s living his dreams and it’s because you gave me a new dream thank you thank you for listening to sober Sunrise if you enjoyed today’s episode please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message until next next time have a great day