welcome to sober Sunrise a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience strength and Hope from around the world we bring you several new speakers weekly so be sure to subscribe we hope to always remain an adree podcast so if you’d like to help us remain self-supporting please visit our website at sober-remix than a sober Sunrise we hope that you enjoy today’s speaker told that this is the volume is that good oh yeah okay okay um we had one moment of silence I’d like to uh invite you to share another Moment of Silence with me please and then I’ll I’ll offer a prayer okay so if you would just gently close your eyes as we settle into the Stillness dear God sweet ABA thank you for bringing us here together today help us remember that we are exactly where we are supposed to be help us let go of all the distractions of the morning of yesterday help us let go of all the distractions of later and tomorrow and most importantly help us let go of the distraction of fear let us know that we are safe with one another from one another and we pray especially God that you open our minds and our hearts so that we can see what we have not seen hear what we have have not heard and go where we have not gone we do not invite you in you need no invitation rather we pray for the ability to become more aware of your presence and together we all pray amen thank you and I I have to thank Alice for inviting me and Al ah for those of you who weren’t around yesterday this man can cook but they have they’ve opened their homes to so many of us and and made this weekend possible and and I just am so grateful for that thank you and it’s so wonderful to see so many faces so many young faces here today um that just truly blows me away I um I began drinking when I was 15 and if anyone had suggested I had a problem I would have walked away from that I didn’t even know AA existed until my late 20s didn’t even know it existed um my name is Linda rizley I am an alcoholic and my sobriety date is October 17th 1989 and I was 31 years old when I got sober or when God got me sober I almost died getting there the um the day uh what we’re going to do today I really don’t know but I think what we’re going to do today is I’m going to share with you my experience with the steps the steps being the program of recovery that alcoholics synonymous offers um the steps aren’t all that Alcoholic Anonymous offers however the um in the front of our books uh we used to have a circle and a triangle we don’t have it right now we will have it again later but but we used to have a circle and a triangle and if you do you do tokens in this area do you okay and the tokens have the circle and the triangle and we we have our three legacies on there recovery unity and service and I feel very blessed to have been introduced to all 36 principles and they are all so important in the way I live today I absolutely had to have the 12 Steps um the 12 steps are what um enable me to live yeah because sobriety is painful okay sobriety is why I drank okay the uh it’s very very painful the um the steps give me a way to live sober the Traditions um are uh a set of principles that allow me to live with you happily and the concepts are a set of principles that show me how to serve and how to allow others to serve and they just um it all blows me away it just blows me away and there’s so much yet to learn um but um but we do have uh and I heard that most of us are alcoholics some of us still don’t know and that’s okay some of us may not be alcoholic and you know what I think it’s just as important to understand if I’m not an alcoholic as it is to understand if I am it’s critical because until I understand the first step um the rest are going to be meaning less yeah and the the first step um is we admitted we were powerless over alcohol that our lives had become unmanageable we have four chapters in our basic textbook that address the first step four chapters beginning with the doctor’s opinion and then we’ve got Bill’s story and then we’ve got there is a solution and then we’ve got more about alcoholism it must be very very important that they would give us four chapters H the first step is so elusive of H I’m sure many people in this room know people who are dying from this disease you know we can see it others can see it but the denial is so baffling so intense that those stricken with it don’t see it and I know that was my case I was dying from the disease of alcoholism and didn’t have a problem the um you had a problem and I had a problem with you but I didn’t have a problem the um the first four chapters which include the doctor’s opinion help me understand with the help of people like you just what this disease of mind body and spirit is all about and um the way I underst understand the way I understood it at the beginning was I just simply didn’t uh what I understood at the beginning was I came to in my living room and I had been introduced to alcoholic synonymous about 18 months earlier trying to help my brother the real alcoholic uh Bobby was getting DUIs Bobby was having bringing violence into his home uh Bobby was doing all the things that real alcoholics do I on the other hand um my life looked good from the outside now it didn’t always look good and I got better before I got worse I mentioned that I started drinking when I was 15 and when I was 15 getting alcohol was just not an easy thing to do getting drugs was very easy to do and so a lot of the ways that I escaped from Life were through drugs and I’ve always been an escape artist you know when I was very young it was through books and it was through good grades I was the Little Miss Goody T shoes the honor rooll student and I walk with a lot of women today and I understand that we’re either really really good or really really bad and it’s just two sides of the same coin you know it’s just I’m not part of I’m not equal to I’m not eye to eye I’m not with you so I’ve got to be here I’ve got to be there because I need more of something and I was born it seems needing more of something but um I started drinking when I was 15 and up to this point I’d been a little misg goody two shoes I’d sought more love more whatever and all sorts of different Avenues and the summer that I was 15 I discovered alcohol drugs and boys and my life changed the uh the lives of my parents changed too and everybody who cared about me uh my parents watched their little honor roll student um do a 180 yeah because I didn’t need them anymore I didn’t need honor rooll anymore I didn’t need the approval of adults anymore I didn’t need any of the things that I thought I needed because I found what made me feel right and that’s all I ever wanted was just to feel like I was a part of uh to have that that that free floating anxiety go somewhere you to be able to be comfortable in my own skin I um did not realize then that I suffered from a spiritual malady looking back over my shoulder I understand that I’ve suffered from a spiritual malady for almost as long as I can remember one of my favorite examples of this is when I was 5 years old I’m the oldest of five children and when I was 5 years old I can remember sitting on my basement steps with my brother Bobby he’s 13 months younger than I am trying to teach him to tie his shoes because I’m convinced said if I can teach him to tie his shoes my father will stop uh hitting him in the head and calling him dumbass and I really need that to happen now bobb’s not complaining about that and bobb’s not asking me to teach him to tie his shoes either by the way but but at 5 years old I’ve got it figured out that if I can teach him to tie his shoes my father will behave differently and then guess what I’ll feel better now there’s no way I could have known just how self and self-centered that was but that’s how I’ve lived my life everything I’ve done has ultimately been so that I will feel better and it looked good it looked like I had a generous Spirit a Caring Heart and and when I came into these rooms I would have told you I’m one of the nicest people I know cluess um but um so that’s I I’ve managed I was attempting to manage life early on early on and I don’t spend much time trying to analyze a whole lot of that I just need to know that that’s what I was and that’s what I did and understanding why or how it happened hasn’t gotten me into Happy living understanding the solution gets me into Happy living and um not to say that some awarenesses haven’t come they do it’s just that if I focus on the solution then God tells me what I need to know so I uh discovered drugs alcohol and boys that year and my life changed and so did everyone else’s and the disease is Progressive now what I did not understand at that time because I wasn’t really drinking a lot because it wasn’t that available to me and it if you had looked at me during those years it would have looked like I was a drug addict and when I first came into AA I used to introduce myself as an alcoholic and a drug addict because I thought I was and I mean I didn’t use these things recreationally it was always you know to the excess it was always abuse and in our book we have a couple of places where we talk about the moderate Drinker the hard Drinker and the real alcoholic and I looked like a hard drug user okay now the reason I understand today that I’m not a drug addict is when I was about 21 when I was 21 years old by that time my life was insane and I had decided that part of my problem uh were drugs and ALC or men the men I was choosing not alcohol uh I put down the drugs and I started looking for a different kind of man I put down the drugs I walked away from them I um I understand today that alcohol is not the drug of choice it’s not my drug of choice alcohol is the drug over which I had no choice so I could walk away from you know the Quaaludes the acid the everything else I was indulging in and and when I wanted to many years later walk away from alcohol I couldn’t I don’t know when or how it happened but I crossed that line at some point and I was literally powerless to not drink the um so the disease of body that I suffer from that our book talks about that the doctor’s opinion address is so beautifully is this phenomenon that happens that physically happens when I consume alcohol something that happens in me that does not happen in a lot of other PE it doesn’t happen in my mother my mother has a couple of drinks she starts to feel it she stops because she starts to feel it she starts to feel powerless yeah I have a couple of drinks and there’s no stopping because I start to get some power I start to feel in control I can sit in my own skin I can be with you you know I can look and be eye to eye I am part of this world at last you know alcohol does something for me and what it does for me that I uh wasn’t aware of for a long long time was the phenomenon of craving it’s a physical reaction um that I believe is no different than diabetes or or anything else that we are afflicted with physically when I take a drink there’s a phenomenon of craving that kicks in and I take another drink and I take another drink and I take another drink and I’m unable now I kidded myself because there were times I could control my drinking but the truth is that eventually I drank Beyond My Control I drank more than I wanted to I did not trust me I did not want to lose control of my bows I did not want to drink to that excess I did not want to spend the night in our County Jail yeah I did not want to vomit every time I turned around and the most inappropriate places you know and knowing what I knew I would have stopped before that happened but I couldn’t um So eventually I drank beyond what I wanted to the um and it’s Progressive and throughout the years I drank for about 15 years and at the beginning it was just weekend stuff yeah and then later my weekends started on Thursdays you know and then later my weekends lasted a little longer and and it just then eventually it was just well I need a few on Monday night I need a few on Tuesday night I just need a couple on Wednesday night and I thought because I was just having a couple on Monday Tuesday and Wednesday night but I didn’t have a problem what I didn’t understand was that I had to have a couple on Monday Tuesday and Wednesday night the um so I have this phenomenon of craving that is a physical reaction and when I drink I take another drink and I have no control over that that would not be a problem if guess what I didn’t take the first drink yeah but I suffer from a disease of mind and and the book talks about this too about the mental Obsession and the book talks about how our real problem is really in our mind because if the Phenom I’m allergic to penicillin and I discovered this when I was 8 years old I have not once thought I think I’ll go take some penicillin and see what happens this time it just doesn’t even enter my mind the um but with alcohol it’s a different story I have the mental Obsession and regardless of my past experience and I mentioned some of it and you know I’ve got lots of drama and Trauma and my drama and Trauma is not what makes me an alcoholic my drama and try I mean if the if a saint drank the quantity P I did in any evening you know that person would run around with a lampshade on their head too or unbutton their blouse or whatever it is they need to do the but the um I’ve got a mind that tells me regardless of my past experience regardless of the fact that I did lose control of my Ballance regardless of the fact that um I did spend a night in jail regardless of the fact that I broke the hearts of everyone that cared about me regardless of the fact that I got into the van with those three men that I didn’t know because I needed another drink and I sold my soul for it regardless of my past experience I’ve got a mind that tells me stone cold sober and here’s my Insanity sober I’ve got a mind that tells me this time it’ll be different this time it’ll be different and I take the first drink and I do that sober that’s the nature of my Insanity so and I have no control over that I got to a point where I didn’t want to drink I was looking out my living room window every evening watching the happy people walk with their children and their pets up and down the street and I thought tomorrow I won’t drink and tomorrow I can I can be like that too and tomorrow came and I couldn’t not drink and for those of you who have been there you know that’s a despair that’s a loneliness um that’s a horror that is in and of itself a blessing the um and if I could not drink and go to meetings I would just not drink and go to meetings I don’t know what it’s like in your community but in my community we have a lot of people who are very very loving and they say many well-intentioned things and they say things like go to 90 meetings in 90 days and don’t drink even if your butt falls off well if I could not drink even if my butt fell off I would not drink and I probably wouldn’t be here okay I would just not drink I um there were a lot of things in early sobriety I thought I was doing to keep myself sober if I could keep myself sober I wouldn’t need alcoholics synonymous you know in our in my community we read how it works at every meeting and at the ABCs it’s says no human power could relieve our alcoholism God couldn’t would if he were sought no human power includes me and my sponsor and my group and I absolutely believe today that 90 meetings in 90 days won’t keep me sober a sponsor won’t keep me sober a home group won’t keep me sober none of that will keep me sober my help has to come from a power greater than me and the only way I make myself a available to that help is when I get that I am toast and if we could give people that this church would be full this church would be full um it’s that surrender that comes for me it was coming to that morning knowing that I was dying prior to this lots of horrible things had happened um my life looked good on the outside because I was married to a man who took care of me and I grew to hate him because of it I I didn’t know it was self-loathing I just grew to hate him because of it and um my life looked really good on the outside but I was dying on the inside and I came to that morning and I knew at any moment my insides were going to burst through my outsides and I asked a God that I hadn’t talked to in a long time because I was angry but I asked this God that I hadn’t talked to in a long time to please help me and help gang the help came and I haven’t had a drink since and I don’t think relapse is a necessary part of recovery it happens but it doesn’t have to happen you know and if you’re new you don’t ever have to drink again not because you have any power to keep yourself sober but you have access to a power that will keep you sober the um now all this these other suggestions this 90 meetings in 90 days and get us those are all wonderful things and what I believe today is that if I am willing to go to 90 meetings in 90 days if I am willing to get a sponsor if I’m willing to wear a blue dress instead of a red dress you know if I’m willing to do those things then I am manifesting the willingness that suggests I have surrendered and I’ve got hope if I’m not willing to do those things I don’t I don’t see people without willingness stay stick around here very long you know we’re just you know we’re just not done surrender is surrender and with surrender comes willingness I don’t know how to surrender and then do it my way the um and then I have this um so I have this uh disease of mind body and spirit and I’ve got 36 principles I’ve got the 12 steps that treat my mind gives me a new mind I’ve got the 12 traditions that treat my body and by that I mean the phenomenon of craving is still there I don’t play around with alcohol um but the body I bring into the rooms yeah the the the 12 traditions teach me about unity and how to live with you and how to be with you uh not only comfortable in my skin but sitting next to your skin and I didn’t know how to do that you guys scared me to death okay the um 12 Concepts uh are the principles that support our service Legacy and as I said I’m I’m and I’m just beginning to really meditate upon those and and uh and how I might incorporate those into different areas of my life but I think they’re they’re very very important but anyway we’re I’m here today to share with you my experience with the steps and that first step I don’t know how we get there but I know that when we get there we’ve got hope you know and it’s the Despair and it’s the hopelessness and and it’s the willingness you know the willingness to say I’m toast I can’t do it I am powerless over alcohol because no matter how I try or what I try I drink no matter what I am an alcoholic who drinks no matter what and what I understand today is that that morning back in 1989 this God that I don’t understand um answered that prayer he answered that prayer the obsession to drink Obsession to drink was removed by something bigger than me but then I’m left with me I’m just sober and I don’t know how to live I don’t know how to live and um when I first started coming around the rooms of AA I was told that um oh keep coming back you’ll feel better what they didn’t tell me was that I would feel everything better the pain The Agony and the isolation I felt it all and my first six months of sobriety work oh they were horrible I walked around with like all my nerves were on the outside and I’d cry one minute and laugh the next and couldn’t tell you why uh I went mute I mean I couldn’t talk in meetings I couldn’t sleep I was up practically I mean had all the books that was good I read them didn’t remember what I read couldn’t tell you what I read didn’t know what I read but I was reading them and um I was just St raving nuts and somehow one day at a time uh I came to the meetings and I felt okay for that one hour and then I went home and I went to my job and I I couldn’t remember how to do my job I’d been doing it for years and years and years but I just couldn’t remember how to do it what to do how to do it uh I’d go home and I’d look at this man I’d been married to and I’d think who are you you it was um it was wonderful I uh I wasn’t drinking one day at a time I wasn’t drinking and um the first um the first two months that I was in the rooms of alcoholic synonymous I did not ask for a sponsor I heard uh pray I heard get on your knees every morning and get on your knees every night and I could do that go into my bathroom shut the door lock the door I could do that um I’ve been doing it ever since and um but then I I did finally approach uh a gentleman in our meetings uh a beautiful man named Armand and I asked him if he’d be my sponsor and bless his heart he looked me straight in the eye said no honey he said I’ll be your friend but you need a woman sponsor and I am so so grateful so grateful to him because that’s exactly what I needed but I didn’t know how to do that and so I started you know watching and there were all reason well I might ask her but I might ask her but I might ask her but and there were no it was fear it was Stark raving fear I knew how to be with men it’s how I lived you I didn’t know how to be with women women scared me to death I couldn’t trust you you were just like me you were competitors yeah and to the extent I had girlfriends I had one girlfriend at a time and uh it was usually you know one of us it was it was leader and follower okay there was no eye to eye anything so anyway I got into a lot of pain and I was at an alathon and you know everything good comes to me with a prayer and I remember just being two months sober and just in such excruciating pain and I knew I needed help and I there were five other guys it was the middle of the night this like a 24-hour meeting thing New Year’s Eve and I just said another prayer I said God help me ask the next woman that walks through that door to be my sponsor and he sent exactly the right woman he sent exactly the right woman and when I asked Janet she didn’t say yes she didn’t say no she handed me her telephone number and said to give her a call that was the last thing I wanted to do yeah tell me yes tell me no don’t make me pick up the phone and call you it took 5 days it took five days I didn’t know what to say I didn’t know what to say so I finally said a prayer I picked up the phone she knew what to say so if um if that telephone’s weighing about 2,000 pounds pick it up anyway the person on the other end knows what to say the um Janet began to take me through the Big Book of Alcoholics synonymous our basic text and uh we’ve got a lot of wonderful literature you know and it’s um in fact when uh when I take ladies through the book we start uh literally at the cover page but there’s also a page called other books and it lists all the conference approved uh AA general service conference approved literature and I refer to it as a reading list I think it’s also very important the 12 steps and 12 traditions is a wonderful book too often though uh I think I don’t think I know that people get confused and they think that the directions for working the steps are in there and they’re not in fact it tells us on this page that it’s an interpretive commentary it’s an interpretive commentary on the a program by a co-founder and you know I don’t even need Websters to understand what an interpretive commentary is uh although I do look a lot of things up but um but I could I could understand the 12 and 12 you know when I first came in I read that and I understood it and I connected and and I felt you know that maybe this thing was for me too um but there weren’t any directions for me to follow not really and so I was so grateful for a sponsor who was willing to take me through the book Because I had read this thing I did a home study program by the way um before uh before I came into the rooms of AA I came to in my living room in August my sobriety dat’s October when I came to in my living room in August I had started smoking dope again one more way to manage and control my drinking and my husband at the time we had gone away for the weekend and had a miserable weekend and um I had been to meetings of AA earlier with my brother trying to help him and over the course of that weekend I’m smoking my dope and I hear this woman who stood at a Podium 18 months earlier and I hear her talking about how smoking dope with her kids was not sobriety and her voice just echoed through my mind I had a miserable time but I knew it was true I knew it was true see what I’d been doing up to that point I came to my living room and I asked God for help and when I was able to get out of that chair the big book and the 12 and 12 were in my living room they ran my living room because the man I’d been having an affair with had left them there I’m not proud of any of this but this is who I was and this is not who I am today and that’s the miracle uh but who I was was um uh I was married to a beautiful man a good man and a friend of the family a very close friend of the family that was in our home often uh was the man who really understood and uh he was a good drinking buddy and uh and I had been trying to get pregnant and I had an ectopic pregnancy and it’s that’s all kinds of trauma and drama but he understood he was there for me and and um and it’s all about me but he was he was trying to get sober and had left those books there and see God loves us so much God loves us so much that the moment we turn and ask for help to help us there he will use everything available he will use everything available um that’s been my experience so anyway I came to and those books were there and and I picked the big book up and it opened to chapter 3 and I read it and I understood it and I knew I knew that the nature of my Insanity had a name and it was called alcoholism and even importantly I knew that there was hope and that there was help and so what I did I didn’t come to meetings or anything like that I went to our central office because I knew this guy would be coming back for his book and um I went to our central office and I bought the big book The 12 and 12 I saw they had pamphlets I bought some of those I made it very clear these were for a friend and I went home and started my home study program and what I did was I didn’t drink but every night I rolled a joint and I studied and I worked that I don’t recommend this please understand I do not recommend this it was very painful but I started working the steps in my head um and every time I had worked one I drew it on some sketch paper with colors and and that’s how I worked the steps and I got up to the ninth step and I was going to make amends and he and I were going away Charlie and I were going away for our eth wedding anniversary and I was going to make amends which meant I was going to confess and and I knew that by confessing he would see what a horrible person I am and he would leave me which is what I wanted anyway and I wouldn’t have to take any responsibility for making that decision now I didn’t get all that at the time but I get it now God kept me quiet instead my head was filled with this woman from that AA meeting 18 months earlier talking about smoking DP with your kids isn’t sobriety and I knew she was telling the truth and so I went home I rolled everything I had and uh and the following Monday morning became my sobriety date like without uh anything in my system and then I came to meetings so I am a sometime slowly okay the um so I uh in October of ‘ 89 is when that began uh New Year’s Eve was when I got a sponsor and Janet began to uh to take me through the big book of alcoholic synonymous and like I said at the beginning all I understood about the first step was that I was toast I was dying and I needed help what I understand today is the first step is not just for newcomers um there’s no question in my mind today that I’m powerless over alcohol and to tell you the truth alcohol just really isn’t an issue in my life I am free I’m free I’m free to go anywhere do anything and I’m not going to get struck drunk um and that’s by the grace of God however I still try to manage my life I still try to manage my life because I have the spiritual malady um and Janet my first sponsor summed it up so beautifully early on she said honey she always called me honey you need a name tag that says hello my name is Linda not God what are you talking you I didn’t get it but um but I understood enough about the first step that I had the surrender and I was willing and I would have done anything that woman said and I did do anything she said the um the Second Step um at the beginning you know came to believe that a power greater than us could restore us to sanity I uh I thought that the Second Step was where I was going to be restored to sanity and I didn’t understand why I still felt so squirrly and thank goodness for sponsors and folks like you because you helped me understand that I am not restored to sanity at the Second Step I’m restored to sanity at the 10th step you know and that’s where the promise of Sanity is uh by the time I get to the 10th step it says that sanity will have returned you know and I of course I’m I’m a more child I want it now the um there’s a A Beautiful chapter chapter 4 we agnostics that um um I still it’s so rich I still learn so much from it and um one of my greatest blessings truly is is the Beauty and the blessing of being able to walk with other women through these steps because it um I just it comes alive every time I open the page and in chapter 4 it starts off with one of the best summaries of the first step it says if when you honestly want to you find you cannot quit entirely entirely by the way means entirely you know I thought well I can quit for a while no it doesn’t say that you so if you if when you honestly want to you find you cannot quit entirely or if when drinking you have little control over the amount you take I was only going to have three you’re probably alcoholic and if that be the case go to 90 meetings in 90 days no it doesn’t say that it doesn’t say if that be the case you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer am I willing to embrace that idea yeah now at the beginning I could not have told you oh yes I I believe that I suffer from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer I couldn’t have told you that what I could have told you was I’m dying and I want help yeah I cannot live like this any longer please help me and what I you know what I continue to learn is that it is the spiritual experience that I need I am so spiritually thirsty I believe I was born spiritually thirsty you know I’ve just always needed to be part of something else um goes on to talk about how the choices we have to be doomed to an alcoholic death sounds lovely um or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face why would that not be an easy alternative I’ve held the hands of loved ones who have died and if I had told them you’re going to be doomed to a death from cancer or live on a spiritual basis and do you think they would have hesitated no only people like us will hesitate it’s um I it’s it isn’t so difficult but this chapter goes on and on and on about how we have to find a spiritual basis of Life lack of powers our dilemma now at the beginning what I needed to know and what my sponsor pointed out to me was that all I needed to make a beginning was to either believe in or be willing to believe in a power greater than myself it doesn’t take a lot to just be willing to believe that there’s something bigger than me although if you judge it by my actions that’s hard to believe at times um but if we just ask ourselves are you just willing to believe there’s something bigger than you then that’s a you know we can be on our way we can we can get on with the rest of the steps which I did now today the second step is huge the second step is huge um it was pointed out to me that an agnostic is a doubter you know an atheist is certain an atheist is certain that God doesn’t exist an agnostic doubts and that’s me well I don’t doubt that God exists I know God exists but I doubt that God loves me the way he loves you I doubt that I can have the experience you’re having I doubt that God wants me to really be happy I doubt that I’m going to get what I need to be happy I doubt I doubt I doubt um this chapter I think could be titled um doubt and Prejudice and throughout this chapter it continues to suggest that we set aside Prejudice set aside Prejudice and it was explained to me that prejudice is a prejudgment it’s an old idea you and I came in here with some really squirrly ideas about God um I believe that because um when I was 17 uh I met the first uh man of my dreams he was 10 years older than me I was in the hospital with hepatitis this is a year after having open heart surgery and uh I’m in the hospital with hepatitis and I meet Barry and Barry was there with a broken leg Barry was affiliated with a motorcycle club and Barry was exotic and Barry noticed me and that’s really all it took and so at 17 when I went home from the hospital I packed my bags I told my father I was going to spend the night with a girlfriend I left and I never went back that’s what I do to the people who care about me the most and um and I moved in with Barry and and Barry didn’t have a typical job Barry engaged in retail transactions from home I had arrived and it was insane and there was all kinds of drama and Trauma uh there was abuse of every sort uh I didn’t know until then what it was like to have a gun pointed at me my face I didn’t know what it was like until then to be beat with a belt um I’ve got scarred to prove it and yet I kept going back tell me about insanity but what’s really important about that period of time is I mentioned I have three brothers and a younger sister I um I sold my brother uh I sold my brother Bobby a large quantity of drugs believing that he would share them with me and uh he didn’t uh but he had a horribly tragic experience he overdosed and he was in bad shape um it tripped a switch in his mind that um was pretty severe surely after that and he had no business driving but Surly after that he and my other brother John got into a truck and they headed north and that night I get a call from my father that there was an accident Bobby had HD an underpass and um he had a broken nose and a broken ankle but my brother John was killed instantly his skull was crushed and it took the emergency Personnel 3 hours to saw the truck open and they reported that during that 3 hours Bobby was conscious and he just kept repeating get my brother get my brother well when I hear about this I mean I can go there uh but I don’t know how to feel that I don’t know what to do with that kind of grief with that kind of guilt with that kind of Sorrow I don’t know how to feel and so I did what I’d always done I run and I numb I get a drink and a drug and I shove it down deep well based upon that experience um I didn’t know for many many years that God’s getting me back see I had this idea that God’s getting me back and I deserved it I deserved it um by the way we buried my brother my parents did the most horrible thing a parent has to do they buried a child and I showed up physically but I was not present yeah I was not not present from my parents I was not present for my brothers and this little girl Cindy who was um she was my sister child I was not present you know I we buried my brother I did it with the drink and life went on but that um that was one of the ways and there were many others I formed ideas about God based upon my experiences and conclusions I drew nobody told me God’s out to get you nobody told me he’s going to punish you the um um chapter 4 talks about the consciousness of your own belief will come to you that deep down within is the final reality and what I’ve come to believe is that my conception of God and that’s what chapter 4 takes me through and there are beautiful exercises there I had a bunch of stuff on dis and I left it at home so I’ll email it um and I’ll share this stuff with anyone who wants it but I was told to go through this book or this chapter and pick out spiritual terms and ask myself what they mean to me and there were lots of questions in here to answer and and to answer that but at one point it says that the great real reality is deep within and see I didn’t have a conception of God I really didn’t I didn’t know what it was I knew what I thought the church said I knew what I thought my parents said I knew what I thought my husband said H I knew what I thought based upon nothing other than this mind you know this mind that said it’ll be different this time and what I’ve discovered and continue to discover with the second step is that the the great reality does lie deep within the conception of God that I am to embrace is already Within me the way I discover that is through the steps I become free of the lies and the old ideas in chapter 4 says over and over again we beg of you you know set aside the Prejudice set aside the old ideas and I was told that I didn’t have to throw them away and and I have found that you know for those for there many of us in the program who grew up in a very organized religious environment and that can almost be that can be very scary to even suggest that you set aside some old idea because you’re going to be damned you know and and and just all kinds of things um but what was suggested to me was you don’t have to throw anything away just put it on the Shelf like you would your sweaters you know in the spring you can pull them down later but if I am willing to just set aside my old ideas maybe the consciousness of my my own belief will come to me you know and it does and it continues to but it doesn’t come because I sit and think about it and I wanted that I thought well if I just think hard enough you know maybe I’ll understand God it didn’t happen that way for me if I will do exactly what’s suggested and walk this walk take this journey I get to know a god of my understanding I don’t need to know about God I need to know God you know and I get that through the steps and through this journey with you all it’s um we agnostics step two is not just for beginners you know it’s it’s it’s deep and it’s rich and it continues to just blow me open you know the um there’s another question in here that talks about either God is or isn’t God is everything or Nothing what is your choice to be I have a choice like everything else in life which I never understood I was driven I was constantly driven by a hundred forms of fear insecurity selfishness self- delusion the book list them all I was driven by these things I had no free will plenty of self-will but no free will because I was driven by my emotions and in sobriety with these tools I get free from that I get free from that and I am able to go where I am guided I don’t have to be shoved and driven anywhere today I can go where I am guided but this question is God everything or is he nothing uh what was your choice to be I don’t know that there’s a right choice but I’ll tell you the one that kills me is I’ll tell you oh God’s everything God’s everything but watch me and the way I act is God’s everything but God’s everything but I’ll take care of this God’s everything but I’ll take care of that God’s everything but I better manage this God’s everything but and I die in the middle of the road spiritually I die in the middle of the road now fortunately I’ve got a ton of steps that help us see that identify that get free from that you know and just trudge a little further trudge a little further but it’s a it’s a remarkable journey and regardless of length of sobriety there’s such joy and there’s such treasure yet to be discovered and the the second step is one that the longer I’m sober the deeper my experience with it um I think it’s probably time for a break there are a couple more things I want to say about the Second Step but I don’t want to run us over so uh with is this a good time smokers to go take a short break and um how when do you want to come back 10 minutes okay all right great see you on 10 thank you for listening to sober Sunrise if you enjoyed today’s episode please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message until next time have a great day