AA Speaker – Lauren A. – Los Angeles, CA – 2016
Lauren A. shares her AA speaker story: from homelessness and addiction to law school, building a family, and 30+ years sober in Los Angeles. One day at a time.
Lauren A. from Los Angeles got sober in 1986 after years of lying, stealing, homelessness, and a moment of clarity in a tiny apartment in the Valley. In this AA speaker tape, she walks through how sponsorship, the steps, and the fellowship transformed her from a woman who wanted to die into a lawyer, mother, and person of grace with a life she never imagined possible.
Lauren A. is an AA speaker with over 30 years of sobriety who describes her journey from chronic lying, addiction, and street homelessness to earning a law degree and building a stable family through working the steps and sponsorship. She discusses how her sponsor taught her daily accountability, honesty, and service work in the program, along with developing a spiritual practice through Step 11 meditation. Lauren emphasizes that recovery is possible regardless of how far someone has fallen, and that the obsession to drink can be managed one day at a time through meetings, service, and connection with others in recovery.
Episode Summary
Lauren A. brings authenticity and hard-won wisdom to this AA speaker meeting recorded at the Brentwood Workshop in 2016. With over three decades sober—from June 12th, 1986 to the present—she offers a story that moves from desperate bottom to unexpected abundance, all grounded in the practical work of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Her childhood in the DC area was what she calls “typical middle class,” but she always felt different, out of place, like everyone else had received an instruction manual she’d never gotten. Her parents were absorbed in their social life and cocktail hours; Lauren became a liar early on, stealing money, cutting school, creating elaborate false stories. By high school, she was voted “most fried” and “slickest skipper”—but behind the social mask was a girl who wished she’d never been born, who heard a Karen Carpenter song about no one caring if she lived or died and felt it was written for her.
Her first drink came early, stolen from her parents and consumed in the woods. That feeling—of not caring what anyone thought, of apathy and numbness—hooked her immediately. She knew blackouts weren’t normal, but she didn’t know what else drinking was supposed to feel like. After high school, she discovered sales, made money, set national records, and felt she’d arrived. Then came the arrest at 19 with no one to call. She’d already alienated her family, already experienced alcoholic seizures. Her answer was a geographic—move to Miami, start over. But geography didn’t change who she was.
What followed was years of wreckage: writing bad checks, bouncing around the country, ending up in jail and hospitals, sleeping on dirt floors in abandoned houses in North Hollywood, paranoid and hallucinating. She’d broken up with a man deep in addiction, moved into a tiny apartment in Ino where she spent a lot of time in the closet (literally and figuratively), and one night while reading a book, something shifted. She had what she calls her moment of clarity—a sudden, visceral knowledge that she was the worst person on Earth, that nobody had lied or hurt people the way she had, and that she wanted to die. She’d already tried to kill herself weeks before and failed at that too.
A call to an 800 number led to Daniel Freeman Marina Hospital. In that hospital, at an AA meeting, everything changed. She felt like she’d come home. She wasn’t a bad person—she was a sick person, and there was a way to get well. Someone talked like she was thinking, someone said she never had to drink again one day at a time, and people said they’d love her till she could love herself.
Her sponsor had three years. The woman was clear: make your bed every day so you don’t get back in it. Open the blackout curtains and thank God for the privilege of clean and sober breath. Call me every day so you get used to calling. Find someone with less time than you and help them stay sober. When Lauren was five months sober, miserable and dressed to go drink, a woman from the program came and got her. That night, she decided to stay sober for a year. Her sponsor lent her money to get utilities turned back on and told her to quit hanging out with “the terminally unemployed” and get a job—even if it felt beneath her.
The program taught Lauren she could do or be anything. At three years sober, she decided to go to college—something she’d told herself she couldn’t do because she was “the dumb one” with burned-out brain cells. She went to Pierce College, then transferred to UCLA as a Communications major (only 25 spots per year from outside UCLA—a friend in the program said, “Why not you?”). In 1994, she graduated from UCLA. In 1997, she graduated from law school at USC and was sworn into the California bar.
Throughout, she kept coming back to meetings. She sponsors women. She has a home group—the Nitty Gritty Women’s Discussion on Monday nights since 1986. She started a 1 p.m. Thursday meeting because she needed a convenient time. She has two children and a life of dignity, grace, and gratitude that she never thought possible.
A central thread of her story is honesty and the slow, painstaking work of undoing a lifetime of lies. Her sponsor asked her every day: “Did you lie today, Lauren?” and created a space where Lauren could tell the truth to one person. Over time, through the steps and the fellowship, those lies unwound. Today she has no secrets. She’s an open book.
Another thread is surrender and the spiritual experience that comes through working the steps. She came in resistant to the God language, skeptical of the “old men in trench coats.” But someone let her borrow their higher power. She used the group for a while. Eventually, through Step 11 and meditation practice, her spiritual experience expanded. She meditates daily now and speaks of her spiritual growth with naturalness, not preaching.
What she emphasizes most is that recovery isn’t magic—it’s a formula: go to meetings, work with others, make phone calls, work the steps. When the obsession to drink was overwhelming, she called her sponsor or other members. She held on for the next five minutes, then the next. She still prays every morning—”God please keep me sober today”—and thanks God every night. It’s pavlovian, simple, and it works.
Her closing message to anyone who feels hopeless: you don’t have to live like this anymore. There’s a way out. And if you’re willing to do the footwork, everything works out.
Notable Quotes
I found out I wasn’t a bad person—I’m a sick person, and there’s a way for me to get well.
When I was listening to somebody else, I wasn’t thinking about me—and what a relief.
You don’t have to live like this anymore. There’s a way out.
God please keep me sober today—and thank you. That’s the same exact formula, and it’s the foundation.
Everything always works out as long as I don’t drink, one day at a time, and I do the footwork.
I’m a product of Alcoholics Anonymous. The person that came in here is not the person that stands before you today.
Hitting Bottom
Long-Term Sobriety
Step 11 – Prayer & Meditation
Honesty
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Sponsorship
- Hitting Bottom
- Long-Term Sobriety
- Step 11 – Prayer & Meditation
- Honesty
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated and may contain minor errors. For the best experience, listen to the audio above.
welcome to sober Sunrise a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience strength and Hope from around the world we bring you several new speakers weekly so be sure to subscribe whether you join us in the morning or at night there’s nothing better than a sober Sunrise we hope that you enjoy today’s speaker now let’s welcome our speaker Lauren hi I’m Lauren I’m an alcoholic I want to thank Matt for asking me to speak sent me a text what are you doing Thursday and I’m thinking Dodgers you know that that you know obviously that was a little while ago anyway um outside issue and uh and I was like I’m in town and uh and he said don’t talk about me thank you for agreeing to speak at the Brentwood Workshop anyway um anyway not about you um welcome to the newcomers uh if you identified and even if you didn’t identify it gets better I promise none of us would stick around if it didn’t get better this is the bottom um I was told to give it 90 days to try to get to a meeting a day for 90 days and if you don’t like what we freely have to offer we’ll gladly refund your misery and um you know I mean it is the bottom I came in here I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine when people would ask how I was but um I mean it’s alcoholics anom this is the bottom so nobody comes skipping in here because their life’s great and um when I the first time I ever spoke uh somebody needed somebody for a panel they’re going hey I need somebody I didn’t have quite enough time I guess I was kind of close I don’t really remember how much time I had and I thought my story was so boring so I read the stories in the back of the big book looking for a good one and um and so I just took like a little bit of this one a little bit of that one and so I went out on a panel and I figured they’re all new they haven’t read the big book either so I told some of so I told some of somebody’s story some somebody else’s and then I went and did I thought it was really fun so I went and did another panel and and I after the third one I told my sponsor what I was doing she said no we tell our own story here I was like okay and um I had no idea and I thought my story was kind of boring but then as I did my first step and started working the steps I was like and more will be revealed and piling the onion I was like all right my story got a little bit better but plus I was such a liar I never knew what the truth was and then the longer I’m sober and the more removed I get from my story it doesn’t even feel like mine anymore it just feels like some person from a long time ago and um which which it really is I mean anything you hear that’s good kind and decent for me it’s learned behavior and I learned it here in alcoholic synonymous because the person that came in here is not the person that stands before you today I’m a product of Alcoholics Anonymous I’ve been sober more than half my life and um you guys turned me into this so um I was taught to look for the similarities and not the differences and one thing I related to from my very first meeting of alcoholic synonymous is I always felt different I never felt like I fit in anywhere um and that’s just something that I related to from from the get-go I’m from the East Coast from Maryland the DC area and uh I know people here never care what state I say I could say Pennsylvania you guys all lump all the states together but anyway um and what I always considered a typical middle class Jewish neighborhood um I always thought I had the worst childhood ever I played the victim I hated my family I thought I was probably secretly adopted and I wanted another family to come and take me away from this family I was growing up with and I really did I thought I had the worst F uh childhood ever until I heard your stories I was like okay it wasn’t that bad and um my parents were really into their social life they were always going out um on weekends they would my mom would get all dressed up there it was cocktail hour at 5:00 every night and she would get all dressed up from my father and they it was just it all looked glamorous what they did and they just never paid any attention to the kids at all we could do whatever we wanted they didn’t pay any attention to it they never looked at our report cards they didn’t look at anything my mom went to one PTA meeting once and she took me with her and at the PTA meeting they talked about the middle child syndrome how the oldest gets all the attention the youngest gets I mean the oldest gets all the Privileges the youngest gets all the attention so don’t forget the middle child and I thought that’s what’s wrong with me that’s why I feel different it’s because I have the middle child syndrome and until I came into Alcoholics Anonymous that’s why I thought I felt different because I’m the middle child and uh today I know whenever I’m feeling different not a part of that I need to take an action this is an action program I need to do something even if it’s just reaching out my hand saying hi I’m Lauren I feel weird um cuz half the time I didn’t know how I felt when I came in and today it doesn’t take me as long but sometimes it takes me a while to process um but that that I need to do something pick up the phone it’s better to talk to someone than text I find to actually have human interaction but um anyway until I came in here I I just thought that’s why I always felt different and today I know it’s my alcoholism that I need to do something for it um the other thing I heard somebody I mean I never heard anybody talking like like I’m doing now I mean I never heard that growing up we everything was fine and what would the neighbors think we weren’t doing anything but you always had to worry about what the neighbors thought and um but I I mean I heard when I came in about I heard somebody talk about being a liar cheating a thief I was like yeah that was me um my older sister she was a classic overachiever she did everything she was in every Club she was a straight A student she was all that that was not me I was a bad kid acting out all the time I would lie all the the time when I would hear chapter 5 red meetings I thought oh my God I’m never going to make it cuz all I heard was honesty honesty honesty honesty I thought oh my God I’m never going to make it I heard how how can you tell if uh an alcoholic’s lying is if they’re moving their lips it’s like yeah that was me and um my father used to say if you can’t lie well don’t lie at all and I took that as a challenge and I mean I lied about everything as a kid if I was going to 7-Eleven I said I was going to my friend Helen’s house I just lied about everything and I just one of my parents to pay attention to me um I started cutting school early I just I just I was a bad kid in my family and I used to steal the money from my parents’ Bank on their nightstand and flamed it on my little brother who would never do that and uh they have those uh senior superlatives in high school the slickest skipper I mean um you know the best couple most likely to succeed and all that stuff I was voted most fried and slickest Skipper in my house High School graduating class and I remember my mother saw that and said what’s most fried Lauren I’m like never mind and um but I was a really social kid I always had lots of little friends but I never had that one best girlfriend the one person that you can tell everything to because I knew if you knew me and I mean really knew me that you’d lock me up or throw me away there was something wrong with me I felt like everybody else knew how was given some instruction manual or knew how to do everything and I was just kind of a chameleon just I’d watch and see how you did everything and I’d fit in with this group or that group I just never felt comfortable in my own skin I didn’t feel comfortable with my own family we were never allowed in the living room we weren’t allowed in the kitchen cuz it was cocktail hour we weren’t allowed in my parents bedroom we were just not allowed it felt like to do anything and um they took their vacations without us and uh I just I hated my family and um I just kind of went with that and I wish I never been born I remember really strongly feeling like that that I didn’t know why I’d been born I wished I hadn’t back East we went ice skating that’s what we did on the weekends we went to the mall sometimes too but ice skating was a really big thing that we did it’s where you start smoking cigarettes it’s where like the slow songs you hope You’ go ask a guy to D to dance to skate and you just go around but there was one really geeky ice skating song um by Karen Carpenter said that was I’ll say goodbye to love and I just remember there’s a line from that that said no one ever cared if I should live or die and that was a line that I identify with more than anything else when I was a kid I just remember wishing I’d never been bored that I could just go to sleep and never wake up and um but I didn’t act like that like I was like I said I had a lot of friends and um but I was a liar when I was in sixth grade they had these School patrols with a bright orange Badges and um you just I don’t know you stood at Major street corners and you just kind of put your arms out and when the younger kids could cross you went like you just kind of motioned that it was okay for them to cross and this flasher like a raincoat flasher was going around flashing the little girl school patrols and the police would come and they would interview all the little girls who had been flashed so I go run to school one day going I was flashed I was flashed I was never flashed okay so I just I just wanted all the attention and everything else and the police came they interviewed me and they caught the Flasher and um and he admitted to flashing everybody but me cuz I’ve never been flashed no I don’t know where my parents were I don’t really remember my childhood much and I don’t have any idea where they were and being a mom I can’t even fathom although I have to say my daughter forged in first grade um I wouldn’t get her out of PE she forged a note to her first grade teacher saying please excuse Molly Abrams from PE you know and it’s fonetic cuz she’s in first grade the whole thing’s fonetic and it signed Lauren love Lauren Abrams I’m like oh my God I’m oh sorry sorry I didn’t mean to swear anyway it’s not Pacific grp what the hell anyway um so I I was like uh but she’s so far so good she’s in 11th grade now and whatever anyway um but you know I mean I’m just that kind of when I came in and I saw the ninth step on the banners all I kept saying was oh my God does that mean we have to come clean on all our lives I was running around that’s all I would say I was like just does that mean we have to come clean on all our lives does that mean we have to come clean on all our lives that’s all I kept thinking I mean I loved AA and I didn’t understand I earned my seat I didn’t there were a lot of things you guys said the white flag at Radford surrender you have to surrender to win like that was just too esoteric I did not understand a lot of things but I was running around does this nin step mean you have to come clean on all your lies and this little old lady named Helen came up to me and she said oh honey the steps are written in order for a reason she said besides when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous my whole family including my husband thought I only had one lung and I was like that’s the kind of lying I did okay and um oh my God I mean I can remember somebody had arthoscopic surgery and um and everybody went to the hospital it wasn’t he had knee surgery and anyway and they wrapped it up and everybody went and got them loaded and everything so I went to the medical supply store and bought all the accoutrements and everything and wrapped up my KN and uh like remember when I made my amends my mom knew all my lies were lies except my knee she actually thought I busted my knee playing football at the beach I lived 3 hours from the beach I never went to the beach I never saw the sun until I got sober and um anyway that was the only one she was so disappointed and in fact they didn’t even want to hear my amends until um I kept saying no no I have to do this she’s like no no you’re sober everything’s fine I’m like no Mom I was back and forth no no it’s okay and uh and I said Mom if you don’t hear this I could drink again she said sit down um anyway and uh so the steps work uh but so anyway I was and I started stealing really young because a little girl showed me how I could take things and leave and I think most little kids will think this is stealing this is wrong and I was like oh cool something to get away with I just I mean that was just me I think I’m just fundamentally that person from the gate and I started getting arrested in fourth grade and sixth grade I mean arrested you know from the store gy Wards I don’t even know if they had it out here but whatever and um I it actually cured me of it in sixth grade I was never that was it but um you know I just when I my first drink was a this is all before I had my first drink and I heard somebody else talking about this and it was a relief to me when I heard somebody talking for the podium about being a liar cheating Thief before they ever had their first drink and my first drink was a relief I stole some jmb for my parents I uh fill it up in a flask I went out in the woods cuz that’s what you do Becky as you go out in the wood and I took a big old Swig and then that and I hated The Taste oh my God but then that feeling came over me and I’ve heard a lot of women talk about how they became tall blonde and beautiful that’s not what happened for me suddenly that feeling came over me and I didn’t care what you thought of me I didn’t I mean I just didn’t feel I didn’t care what you thought of me I didn’t care about anything I love the apathy just not feeling and um I blacked out the first time I ever drank I never heard the term blackout until I came to alcoholic synonymous I thought everybody who I thought everybody who drank didn’t remember I just thought that was part of drinking and thank God I mean I’m very happy with blackouts and uh and I got sick as could be and I was just Off to the Races when I came into alcoholic synonymous people used to asked me if IID graduated high school and I was just so I mean I was so offended by the question like of course I graduated high school I was very full of like that don’t you know who I am that whole alcoholic um thinking we’re better pride and all that I you know no matter how low I got just the whole don’t you know who I am and I love the saying alcohol is the only people could doesn’t matter um I forgot it but anyway I will come back um but thank God today I know who I am I’m just another child of God and I’m no better I’m no worse than anyone else and what a relief but um oh alcoholics the only people who can be lying in the gutter looking down at others and um you know and that was definitely me it’s the you know we’re better than everyone or we’re the lowest of low nobody is worse than me um and it’s just it’s just so much easier being in a a one a worker among workers one among others but um you know so I was so offended that how could you ask me if I graduated high school I’m actually the first person in my family to not go to college and I know we always hear everybody talk about getting sober and being the first one to ever go to college I’m the first one in my family to not go to college um because I just scamed my way through Junior High and high school I really have no recollection of being in class and studying and going to school um and I used to my first couple years have nightmares of not completing certain classes and and not graduating and things like that but I just I was always out in the woods I was always with the partyers and I just wrote I wasn’t a slick Skipper I just never went and I signed my own notes I don’t know anyway um my parents weren’t going to send me to college and I was pissed and I was going to show them and um cuz I would go visit my my older sister at school and all I saw was the partying the grain alcohol and all the fun and we would pile into my car back then I’ve always worked and um we would go visit all the colleges and we would just party every weekend I couldn’t believe my parents weren’t going to send me and all my friends went off to school uh I got a job in sales right away and Bill story which I I just couldn’t believe you guys wanted me to read this book it was written in the 30s by a bunch of old men what does this have to do with me but in Bill’s story he talks about working and and having reached a certain amount of accolades and achievement and he felt like he had arrived well I got a job in sales and I set some national sales records and I uh felt like I had arrived I started making a lot of money the drinking age in Maryland at that time was 18 for beer and wine and you could drive into DC it was 18 for everything and I discovered a lot of drugs but this is alcohol ex Anonymous I was taught that we keep our story to alcohol but I was a garbage can I was a total garbage can I didn’t care what you had I just needed to know that you had enough of it if I was going to start um if you only had a little there was some part of me that KN knew that like I couldn’t start anyway um by the time I was 19 I was arrested in the town I grew up in and I was allowed to make one phone call and I had no one to call i’ already used everyone up my family wanted nothing to do with me I’d already started having alcoholic seizures Grandma seizures and um I decided when I was in this jail so like how dare you arrest me don’t you know who I am I was so full of my myself and I thought the problem is the kind of people I’ve been hanging out with if I quit hanging out with the kind of people I’d been hanging out with a nice girl like me get out of a situation like this and this these kinds of things won’t happen and never mind I was all alone when I got arrested I just thought it was the kind of people I’d been hanging out with and I decided the problem was where I lived and if you’re new it’s called a geographic and I decided to move to Miami not a good place to straighten up that’s just my experience and um so I went to Miami and I got a job I got a check account cuz I was raised right and um and I’m walking down the street and some guy walking the other way said hey you want a party I’d never turned down a party in my life I didn’t know why I’ve been B born I wished I hadn’t I just thought I’m going to live hard and die young my goal was to be dead at 25 and uh of course I went off partying with these people never shut up for the job and I started writing checks on um these just my starter checks that was that’s a big part of my story if I had checks I wrote them and um anyway and I end up down in the keys ripping off a few people I shouldn’t have and basically I bounced around this country in some parts of the country I ended up in jail sometimes in the hospital even though my family wasn’t speaking to me during this time I’d make sure all the bills went to them because I wanted them to be really worried about me I was the daughter from hell and uh by the time I got to California all I had left was one of those little nylon zipup bags and my um um one of my little uh little nylon bags and my dog and I slept in a abandoned house in North Hollywood on a dirt floor and I still thought um the problem was the kind of people I’ve been hanging out with a nice girl like me will get out of this so I had nothing to do with anyone during this time it was in North Hollywood where all these streets intersect like Camaro and lorim and I don’t know all these streets intersect and um by a restaurant called little tonies and um I still I’m Jewish I have Jewish hair so there was lecture I had to blow dry my hair and um it’s very important and um it’s all about the hair and uh so but I only had a piece of a mirror and I can remember I would never look at my actual reflection just my hair because I couldn’t stand who or what I’d become and it’s not my bottom we’re survivors and but during this time I remember be I would I called it my Straight period I only drank beer and um I would go to little Tony’s and you could see like where the refrigerator would go in this place and stuff like that but anyway I um um um so anyway I would dry my hair and I would do that but I would go to little Tony’s and I would write I will trust no one I will trust no one I will trust no one my whole thing was I don’t want you I don’t need you leave me alone and I’ll be fine and um I ended up going on a date with this guy um I was working selling clothes and uh he took me out on a date and it’s one of those night some people relate to this and some don’t I was he took me to a bar on Melrose and it’s one of those nights where I was drink drinking drinking drinking and I drank myself sober and what a waste and then he handed me a vial of cocaine and I went in the bathroom did the vial gave him back his empty vial and go thanks it’s been a while and um I moved in with him the next day and the next two years I lived in a complete and total hell it didn’t matter how much I drank or used I didn’t get drunk I just got weird um I was paranoid I was hallucinating I was out of my mind crazy and I didn’t know about alcoholic annonymous and never came up in convers a not that I was a social butterfly um but if I thought of AA which I didn’t I would have thought of a bunch of old men in trench coats with a bottle and a brown bag and um my bottom is so uneventful if I had known it was my last trunk maybe I would have done it up or something but he ended up getting busted and um I had broken up with him before that and I had kind of got my life a little bit more together I was living in this tiny apartment in the valley in Ino which the area is really nice now but it wasn’t so nice back then if I was living in this tiny apartment where the couch opened up into a bed you could practically hit the wall it had the fridge the closet that closet I spent a lot of time in that closet I used have to toss everything call the cops you know like anyway they were out there and just coping again anyway it was just nuts and the bathroom and um anyway my I was just sitting there reading a book one night and um and I finished the book and I have what we call an alcoholic synonymous My Moment of clarity it was like I was outside of myself looking down and I knew at that moment that I was the worst person on the face of this Earth I knew nobody was as bad as me nobody had done the kinds of things I had done nobody had hurt people the way I had hurt people nobody had lied the way I had lied and I wanted to die more than anything and I couldn’t even do that right I tried to kill myself a few weeks before that and the only thing that happened was I’d lost muscle control on my body and um like I said I didn’t know i’ never heard of AA I called some 800 number that ended up being a hospital referral service and um this one place stayed on the phone with me all night and it was Daniel Freeman Marina hospital and uh this guy I knew he he was from New York he hotwired a car I just figured everybody from New York probably knew how to hotwire a car and um and he went and he dropped me off at Daniel Freeman Marina hospital he said just be as honest as you can be and this guy lived on Bradford Street and I was so scared of the alcoholics at the end of his street and he told me he was an AA but someone told him he could smoke pot to keep the edge off and he smoked so much pot um and I used to tell them you don’t have to tell I mean good for you that you know you’re in this AA but you don’t have to tell people and um anyway so this is my perception so I went and checked into this place and uh I heard all this like religious stuff coming in it I don’t think it’s a religious affiliated hospital but that’s what I heard and then they started doing intake and I started think oh my God what if they’re all narcs so I started cutting down my intake and they said and we’ll need a check as a deposit I’m like sure no problem how much and um anyway like the check was any good why places like that take checks from people like us I’m sure they don’t anymore but they did back then and um and then so we went through all this and they said would you like a volume I was like yeah sure so they gave me one I’m like one and uh they put me in a this in a room at deto I have no idea what it’s called and then there was nobody around at all and this guy came in named Leroy and he said my name’s Leroy what are you here for I go what do you mean he goes cocaine alcohol heroin I’m like heroin I’d never seen heroin anyway um and it was my first experience we ended up talking it was my first experience of one alcoholic talking to another can I tell you his kid and my kid are in 11th grade together they’ve been going to school together we’re still friends to this day and uh that’s a miracle um what happened was they took us to a meeting of alcohol ex Anonymous and I’m one of those people from my very first meetings of alcohol ex Anonymous I felt like I had come home I found out I wasn’t a bad person I’m a sick person there’s a way for me to get well I heard somebody talking like I’m doing now and I couldn’t believe it I never heard anybody talking like this in my whole life what I heard was um and I was told that uh that I never had to drink again one day at a time if I didn’t want to and even if I want to that I could just hang on and I didn’t have to do anything alone what I heard was the music of Alcoholics Anonymous and I’ve kept coming back ever since then that was June 12th 1986 so I’ve been sober for over 30 years and just because I felt like I had come home does not mean that the obsession to drink and use left me I wanted to get loaded all the time I would go to meetings and hear somebody sharing about heroin and I like oh my God I missed something and um no and nobody ever said you are so sick you need to leave people were like just keep coming back just keep coming back and people would love me till I could love myself I was taught that I could do or be anything I want the sky’s a limit as long as I don’t drink or use one day at a time and I never had any goals dreams or aspirations at all anything other than like be dead at 25 like that’s not really one anyway um and I I was told that the sky’s a limit that we can still and I can still do or be anything I want and today I have a life that is absolutely beyond my imagination I got a sponsor right away cuz everybody kept saying do you have a sponsor sponsor so I got a sponsor and um she had three years and I just thought she had it I remember when I turned three I was like do I have it and all I knew was I felt really entrenched in part of Alcoholics Anonymous because I had been working the program and coming back and sponsoring doing all the things you people told me but I went and I asked her to be my sponsor and she went through all these things she said I had to make my bed every day I go why she says so you don’t get back in it and um and then she went through all these different things and and no more blackout curtains as a amaz she knew I had blackout curtains she said I open them every day and thank God for the privilege to breathe in and out clean and sober breath she didn’t care if I believed in God or not she told me to read the chapters to the agnostic until I could get a belief and that I would get it through working the 12 steps which is true and um and she went through all these different things to call her every day so I could get used to calling her which is what I do with my spont that they call me every day for 90 days so they get used to it and then she went through all this and then she said now you go find somebody with less time than you and tell her how you’re staying sober I said but I’m staying sober because I’m in a rehab she said you could get load in there I said I can and uh and then and I went and I found this girl with um 3 days I had seven days of ciety and I said hi I’m Lauren I have seven days and she said hi I’m whatever her name was and she had three days and uh when she started talking and I started listening the magic of this program started for me because when she was talking and I was listening I wasn’t thinking about me and what a relief what a relief and uh I started sponsoring really early on and I’ve never stopped sponsoring I’ve never never stopped coming to meetings I have always had commitments at meetings the nitty-gritty women’s discussion is my home group I’ve been going there since 1986 I am there every Monday night and uh so I was taught I could do or be anything I want anything at all the skies limit at five months of sub writing my utilities and phone were turned off there weren’t cell phones then and um I was getting dressed to go drink I didn’t know why I was staying so over I was so miserable and I walk by a pay phone which really dates me my kids thought they were really cool when we were traveling and um but anyway and I called a girl in the program and I told her I was doing she goes where are you and she came and got me and she took me the last 15 minutes of a meeting then she took me to get something to eat and then she took me home and that night I knew that you guys would go to hell with me and back to help me stay sober and if I want to drink there’s the door and that night I decided I was staying sober till I had a year of sobriety and then I’m out of here but I wanted a cake and um and my my sponsor lent me money to get my utilities turned back on and she told me that I could pass that on in the future and then she said self-supporting through our own contributions Lauren includes you quit hanging out with the terminally unemployed at Bradford’s noon meetings and go get a job and um so I went and got a job waiting tables which I thought was so beneath me don’t you know who I am that whole like thing and uh she said I had to keep that job till I had a year of sobriety and a year and one day of sobriety I quit that job because I had saved up enough money to get a car and I was able to get back in sales and from one sales job I got a little bit better sales job and at 3 years of sobriety um I had started a little company with somebody else in the program and it was going under and I had a thing in my car that said God never gave us a dream without giving us a strength to carry it out and uh I flew back East to visit my family and they said because I made amends I could do things like that and they said what are you going to do and I said I’m going to go to college and I always thought I’m the dumb one in my family I burned out way too many brain cells I’m I’m don’t know how to do it I can’t ever remember anything and uh but you people have taught me how to do this so I went to Pierce College in the valley and there’s a big sign there it says information I used to know have to know everything but it’s way faster just to ask people and uh I went to where it says information and I said I want to go to school what do I do and they taught me how to do it and those of you who’ve done school and sobriety you said you do it like you do meetings so I was so I went to class what a concept and um and I started with just one class and uh I I I now know it’s a was a terrible teacher but it was a so iology class and I thought the subject was really fascinating and and I would go and I’d read a paragraph I’d get to the next paragraph I already forgot the first paragraph I’m like I’m too stupid and I can’t do this and then I was taught that the brain is a muscle and it just needs some exercise it hadn’t atrophied and anyway I started going there all the time and I started working for the nicest man in the world doing some sales and after I was there for a while I had to look for where I wanted to transfer to and I decided I wanted to go to UCLA cuz we had a good football team at the time I know outside issue and um um anyway and I decided I wanted to be a Communications major because I liked all the stuff listed under it and then I found out the communications major at UCLA only takes a 100 people a year and 25 from outside of UCLA when I was looking for another major uh somebody in the program said to me they take 25 people a year from outside of UCLA and I said yeah and he said why not you and I never would have thought of that 1994 I graduated as a Communications major from UCLA and so many of you came to support me and I got to speak get the gra graduation and in 1997 I graduated from USC Law School and in December of 1997 I gra I got sworn into the bar for the State of California and then I got married in the program and I have two of the greatest kids in the world and um I’m the luckiest person I know hands down cuz you don’t get from where I was this falling down wanting to die hopeless alcoholic to a woman who stands before you today with so many friends this great boyfriend who I’m purposely not looking at because it’s the first time he’s hearing my story and he knew none of this um none he only knows the person I am today which I reminded him of last night um when he said good news my business meeting cancelled I was like oh um yay um but you don’t get from where where I was to where I am today a person of Grace dignity and self-respect with a life beyond my wildest dreams but we do we get this all the time like the speaker I’m sure that Matt had last week and that’ll have next week this is what we get this is what what and who we are this is the 12 Steps in action and um and I mean this is just till till today till now that um my life it it keeps getting better and better and better and Fuller and Fuller and Fuller and my kids know that um they have a sober Mom to come home to they don’t really know what that is but I’ll come home to me where I hear something go you’re so lucky they have no idea but um I’m just so incredibly grateful for my life and I want to thank you for asking me to speak and so now I will take questions hiol everybody comly sh you think that idea strictly ad to our ability to new the question is standard old question um does the ability to limit our shares to alcohol limit our ability to reach newcomers not being able to talk about drugs is that okay um and I have to say the meeting that they held at Daniel Freeman Hospital the AA meeting there became this is in 1986 got taken out of the director because too many addicts were sharing this is certainly not new and um Unfortunately they made me secret a Treasurer at that time and the meeting just kept collecting money and like I said my utilities were turned off so anyway um I I I had to make amends to that meeting anyway um yeah you know we get better in increments and um you know every meeting is its own meeting um it it’s so not a new time topic I think every single person who was up here would give you a different answer as Matt said when he introduced me um nobody is an authority which is what’s so great about AA nobody’s in charge here if you meet if you’re new and you meet somebody and they say they’re in charge run nobody is in charge here it’s an incredible thing it’s an inverse triangle um because that’s truth and uh you know we share our experience strength and hope oneon-one but I was taught from the podium this is Alcoholics Anonymous and I said I was a guardan garbage can which I I I I guess I was I have no idea probably most of the stuff that I mean I never had a wine cooler that’s an alcohol drink so I got sober before those I mean we could do that in many forms just curious how was your experience while in college he wants to know how my experience was as an undergrad and in law school and did I help other undergrads get sober uh I don’t think so um but uh what I think I am is an example that anybody can go back to school and that we can do anything and we can achieve anything at any time and um I am such a cheerleader for anybody getting education at any point um I went to meetings on campus at UCLA and there’s people here that I went to meetings with from there and they’re small and they’re great um but I don’t know that I helped any undergrads get over I’m a lot quieter than some people it’s something I’m working on about my sobriety I mean one time I got somebody out of jury duty when they were in a jury pool but that was it you know handle that lying problem the question is how and when did I handle that lying problem um that is a collective effort but I have to say it’s so funny as a mom we don’t lie in our family but but we don’t um are we try not to um and today I think I could probably be lied too um because I first you know it’s the cash register honestly but I had the perfect sponsor I really think my higher power puts a perfect person in my life at the right time my sponsor every single day when I called her said did you lie today Lauren every single day and I would tell her she was the one person I could tell the truth to and it got to where after a while she said okay now go tell that person you lie to them and it was a slow thing or after meetings we would all go out and get something to eat and it was the fellowship and everybody would be talking and then I remember one time going out and saying oh you know what that was a lie and somebody else would go mine was too and everybody like we’re all liars and um and through working the steps and the lies that just really ate me up I came clean on every single one of those and um I have no secrets today none not one I am an open book my sponsor is here I love my sponsor and uh she knows everything there I have no lies at all from my boyfriend which is really cool um you know I mean it’s really an incredible thing and and I ask every day for God to give me an open heart and an open mind I don’t even have to pray for honesty anymore the way I did I mean before I was like God please keep me honest today um but I think the steps really really address it well hi you said that you when you first got into the program that you had issues with the whole God thing de the question is um that when I came in I had problems with the whole God thing have I dealt with it or did it change you what was interesting is when I was in rehab before I went to my first meeting one of the doctors said and I thought this was just for me because I’m special and because I’m Jewish um that he said they’re going to take you to these meetings and they’re going to talk about a higher power you should use the group for higher power do you know it was over a year before I knew it was in the literature I thought I was using the group because I was Jewish um like what the hell and um and so I would use the group but there was also a man there named Spence who would talk to me about it at length and he was so spiritual and he would say do you believe that I believe in God I said oh yeah you totally do and he let me let he lent me his higher power I couldn’t believe it somebody would lend me something me and I just it was absolutely blew me away and um it’s something that I’ve of course did over the years and um I had the educational variety um spiritual experience at first that the big book talks about through working the 12 Steps um I had that an educational variety spiritual experience and over the years it has certainly expanded expanded expanded to I mean I meditate now on a daily basis and um I went to a a place in h Arizona a number of years ago and uh I went to a meditation thing and the guy and I went up and asked for instruction in the guy there and I told him I was in the program he goes what is it with you 12 steppers that you don’t do your 11th step and he gave me this flash drive with the greatest instructional meditation stuff on it and uh it really really opens the doorway for me and um yeah I mean I love the spiritual practice but it’s very really sets it out well just in the big book in the 12 and 12 and suggest using the 11 Step Prayer so umus said the question is um do I leave out the first part about lawyer and liar yeah yeah I almost escaped the question right um the question uh is if I encountered my old self right now what would I tell my oldelf s um you don’t have to live like this anymore I mean hands down you don’t have to there’s a way out I mean I had no idea when I came in and I saw I found this I I mean I am one of those people for my first meeting I felt like IID come home so I would go to those dark nagah high bars in the valley and go you don’t have to do this you can go to AA it’s free and I would tell I just figured since I didn’t know nobody knew and I did that a number quite a few times and my sponsor’s like no no no it’s a program of Attraction not promotion you do not need to be running around telling people these anyways because that was me like you don’t have to and um so I I would absolutely but you can’t you I mean it’s for people that want it unfortunately but I would absolutely tell myself that so I’m in like my first if you’re asking does it get easier or does the obsession go away is that are you asking me to quantify how long till your obsession goes away yeah it’s a I think it’s individual um I kept feeling like I did something wrong because everybody else I came in and the obsession went away and um I think that’s why I had so much trouble with you have to everyone kept telling me you have to surrender you haven’t surrendered if you’re still having the obsession I have no idea to this day if I didn’t surrender or was I not willing I really I have no clue all I know is I wanted to get loaded a lot and I would hold on for the next five minutes I’m not getting loaded and I would do that and I would call people and tell them I was told my station is my head is station K you know I won’t swear and um and that uh I need to change a station and I had to call other people to tell them that I wanted to Don’t Let It Grow INF fester in my head I think my sponsor got sick of me calling her telling her I wanted to get loaded and she said well maybe Lauren that’s what you need to do and what I heard was my sponsor gave me permission to get loaded so I called somebody else and they said for you it’s not an option so I made the sign for me it’s not an option like anything whatever you can do to just not drink between now and when we go to sleep s tonight and then in the morning every day it’s pavlovian for me at this point the first thought is God please keep me sober today and my last thought is thank you it’s always it’s it’s just that simple and uh when I start to confuse it and it it’s the same you can ask anybody with time it’s the same thing God please keep me sober today thank you at night go to meetings work with others make the phone calls and work the Stu I mean it’s the same exact formula and it’s the foundation in the first year so I can’t tell you when you’re not going to but we just don’t between now and when we go to sleep tonight and then I mean the Gratitude of not having that obsession is incredible so do I what oh she’s asking how I’m of service in AA I think I’ve done most every form of service some I like like more than others um but I’ve always sponsored women um I just always have there were times when I was studying for the bar when I was going to have my kids and things like that when I call my sponsor and go how am I going to do this and she said it’ll work out like she’s just so calm and soothing and and she’d tell me do what I need to do to keep my strength up and and it just does I even though I may sponsor a lot of women everybody isn’t in the muck at the same time everybody just the universe seems to make everything work everything always works out if you’re on my gratitude list you know that is my Mantra everything always works out it just always does as long as I don’t drink a news one day at a time and I do the footwork it just always works out and I don’t know how that is I just know it does um I’ve done the phones at central office I’ve done GSR um I I think I mean I’ve always got a meeting commitments always always always and I never want to go I started a meeting um which there’s people from that meeting today and uh I love my Thursday meeting H it’s I was I started it gosh probably eight years ago at 1:00 because there were there wasn’t a convenient one o00 meeting I I like to be home with my kids at night is why I started it and I go at night on Mondays but I’ve been going to a lot of daytime meetings it’s always noon meetings I needed a one o00 convenient meeting so I started one and uh it’s a great meeting you can always start a meeting they always say coffee pot and a resentment will start a meeting you can start it without that too and um I love my 1:00 Thursday meeting I mean it’s just it’s so great and um you know I mean that that’s another way to be of service so I I just I love AA I was taught that in from somebody who used to come to my Monday night meeting that Alcohol Anonymous is a first Domino if this one go if that goes everything else in my whole life the rest goes too so I need to take care of this first me thank you so much for your it is like a miracle that you asked to to survive what Rel to survive the hard relationships that we have have in the room oh in the rooms um the question is how do we survive the hard relationships we have in the rooms we just don’t drink and we don’t use no matter what and everything passes um it just does and everything I mean the toughest things that we go through are where we get are the most spiritual growth I wouldn’t get to where I am today if I hadn’t gone through everything I’ve gone to gone through and I know that without a doubt that I’m in the place I’m at today because of everything I’ve gone through and um and I wouldn’t change it um I got to have the experiences that I’ve had to get here and um and I’ve stayed sober through all of them and I’ve grown spiritually through all of them absolutely so thank you for listening to sober Sunrise if you enjoyed today’s episode please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message until next time have a great day