>> Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. If you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-sunrise.com.

Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> >> Thank you.

I'm Patty. I'm an alcoholic. I'm grateful to be sober.

I'm grateful to be in this meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, and unlike Christie, it has been necessary for me to drink. It's been an emergency. It's been so necessary for me to drink.

It's been overwhelmingly, incredibly necessary for me to drink. Um, but because the 12 steps work, and because men and women of Alcoholics Anonymous have been willing to share your experience, strength, and hope with me, I haven't had a drink or used another drug since I met you on October 4th, 1975. And um >> >> And my home group is a very, very sick woman's meeting.

We meet on Thursdays. >> >> We meet on Thursdays at 6:00 at the Canyon Club in Laguna Beach. I attend that meeting cuz I look very healthy there.

Um >> >> And it is um it is a real privilege for me to be here um with you. It's a little early. Uh, it's 8:30 in California.

I stay on California time. Uh Uh, because I'm I like to live in the here and now. And uh it gives me something to complain about when I'm on this side of the country is how early it is and how abusive it is.

Uh, I want to thank my friend Bob for speaking at 7:00 this morning. And uh And getting me out of bed. On awakening this morning, I thought of the 24 hours ahead.

I thought, "Oh, they're going to be very long." >> >> But it is uh it is a real privilege to to be here. Um Um, my sponsor always tells me when I do this, I should tell you my name and tell you the truth. I've told you my name.

I'm not so sure I'm going to tell you the truth. >> >> And the reason for that is clear to me. I mean, I don't know about anybody else in Alcoholics Anonymous, but I never knew that what it used to be like was going to be important.

If I would have known when I was out there that I was going to be here this morning reporting to you what it used to be like, I would have paid a lot more attention to my life. >> >> If I would have known when I was If I would have known about steps four and five, I can guarantee you I would not have done some of the things that I did. >> >> BUT I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS GOING TO BE IMPORTANT, so I didn't pay a lot of attention to my life.

Coupled with that, I'm a blackout drinker. I love blackouts. I love blackouts.

There's If we could have blackouts sober, I would be the happiest woman in the room. I love blackouts. There's nothing more exciting to me than leaving work on September 12th, going back to work on September 20th, and discovering you've been there the entire time.

It just um >> >> It just makes the time between paychecks so much shorter. But um If you're a blackout drinker, it makes what it used to be like a little fuzzy. A lot of what I know about what it used to be like has been reported to me by other people.

And I'm just sort of assuming they were telling me the truth. A lot of what it used to be like I have a job today. I had to get a fingerprint clearance for my job, and I fingerprint really, really well.

I'm really, really good at fingerprinting. I know how to roll with them. I don't resist it.

I don't try and move too quickly. I just roll really nicely with it. And I was being fingerprinted for this job, and and I didn't want to raise any red flags, so I very casually said to the woman doing my prints, I said, "Well, how far back are you going to check?" And she looked me in the eye and said, "From the day you were born." And I thought, "Oh, man, it's like a fifth step, only it's going to be in the wrong order cuz they're going to know about it before I do." And uh And the book Alcoholics Anonymous says more will be revealed.

It doesn't say how. And uh so when my report came back, you know how normal people when they're going to give us what they think is bad news, they get kind of this hesitancy in their voice. And she had a real hesitancy in her voice when she called me.

And she told me that my report had come back. And I said, "Uh-huh." And she said, "You know, normally these reports are two or three pages long." I said, "Uh-huh." She said, "Yours was 56 pages." >> >> And she asked me if I wanted to read it. Well, of course I did.

And I went down and read it. I'm going to tell you I know a lot more about what it used to be like having read that report than I knew before then. So a lot of this story I mean, I don't even know if it's true, but I like the story, so I just keep telling it.

It just um I didn't have my first drink of alcohol until I was 13 years old. I'm really, really sorry I waited that long. But um I had no idea of what alcohol would do to me or for me.

As far as I know, I had never really thought about alcohol one way or the other. I never really thought, "I can't wait until I can drink." I never thought, "I would never drink." I mean, I just don't think I thought about alcohol at all. And yet when I was 13 years old, I was on a camping trip.

We were camped uh on the beach in Southern California, and I remember that Friday night getting into the tent. I remember I had a bottle of vodka in my pillowcase, and I was excited about having it. I had no idea what alcohol about having this bottle.

And I asked if anybody wanted any, and they didn't. I was excited about having this bottle. And I asked if anybody wanted any, and they didn't.

And the reason they gave me for not wanting it was all we had to mix with it was grape soda and root beer. And I said, "Well, so what?" And I took off the top, and I drank half the bottle, and I looked around the tent. Nothing had gotten different.

Nothing had changed. I drank the second half of the bottle. And that was to be the end of my social drinking.

Never again after that day did I ever offer anybody a drink out of my bottle. Um And I don't know about anybody else in Alcoholics Anonymous, but I never had resentments until I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. And one of my early resentments in Alcoholics Anonymous is I heard you talk about your first drink.

And you talked about taking the drink, and you described how it felt in your mouth. And you described the sensation as it went down your throat. And you talked about it hitting your stomach and exploding.

It went to your fingernails and your toenails, and your pimples fell off, and you grew up a couple inches taller, and you became Prince Charming, and wonderful things happened to you. And that That simply wasn't the case for me. I had my first drink of alcohol, and absolutely nothing happened to me.

For about 15 minutes. And um >> >> And at the end of the 15 minutes, the only thing that happened to me was I had to go to the bathroom. And it's my belief this morning that if you were to drink a quart of anything, in about 15 minutes you'd have to go to the bathroom.

So I got out of the tent, and I shuffled through the sand to the outhouse, and I went in and went to the bathroom. And when I got done and went to get up, I realized I was absolutely and totally 100% paralyzed to the toilet seat. I couldn't move.

I couldn't even blink. I didn't feel my heart beating. And I was overcome with a sense of fear.

And of course, the fear was that somebody else was going to have to come use that outhouse, and there I was, paralyzed to the toilet seat. Later in my drinking, I did discover that two people can use the same toilet at the same time if the second person is very careful about what they're doing. But >> >> It's a visual, isn't it?

But um But I didn't know that at 13. What I did know is I somehow intuitively knew that the body was made up of energy. And I somehow figured if I could gather my energy, I would be all right.

So I've always referred to it as my first formal meditation. Cuz I sat, and I gathered my energy. And when it seemed to be all in one place, when it seemed to be centrally located, I just sort of fell off the toilet, out the door, into the sand, and started crawling back to the tent.

Now, since coming to Alcoholics Anonymous, I have of course discovered my entire problem that night was my attitude. If my attitude would have been right, I could have had a fantasy as in Marines, as being dive-bombed as I was trying to get back to safety. And if my attitude would have been right, it could have been a wonderful experience.

Now, in my own defense, I have to tell you my pants were still down at my ankles. I had started to get sick. I couldn't quite get through it.

I couldn't get around it. And I think under those circumstances, it's a little difficult to have a good attitude. I did somehow manage to get back to the tent.

I fell in, and I passed out. And when I came to in the morning, I realized nobody was in the tent with me. And I couldn't figure out where they went till my eyes cleared enough that I realized I'd been sick all night long.

Like you've never been sick. I hit >> >> I hit the top of the tent, the side, the floor of the tent. I hadn't missed a square inch.

And quite frankly, I don't want to be in the tent either. So I got out of there. And uh And that was my first drink of alcohol.

And it was the most amazing, incredible, fabulous, magnificent, spiritual, wonderful experience I'd ever had in my entire life. And it must have been because I put some amount of alcohol into my body from that day until the day I came through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I didn't always get drunk.

I didn't always drink the kinds of things that you would classify as a beverage. I drank a lot of vanilla extract. I used to buy it by the six-pack.

I remember the day the guy at the market called me over, and he said, "Patty, I can't let you buy vanilla extract anymore." He says, "I can't believe anybody bakes as much as you do." And I I got cut off from that supply. I drank a lot of mouthwash. I drank a lot of perfume.

Tabu became my after-dinner drink of choice. I still I still have a fondness for it. If you're wearing it, I may follow you too closely and laugh at your neck.

I just uh >> >> The women in my in my home group are a very, very sick group of women. One couple years ago decided to, you know, trick the old lady. And about eight or nine of them wore taboo and came to the meeting.

I just spun the entire hour and a half. I couldn't like I couldn't focus on anything. And um I'm often tempted when I share to just identify myself and say I'm Patty and I'm a pig cuz I'm the kind of person that came to your house and ate and drank everything in your bathroom and uh um >> >> And how do we know to do that?

How do we know to do that? I don't know how I knew to do that. I mean, I was a bar drinker, I was an alley drinker, car drinker, an office drinker, living room drinker, dumpster drinker.

I I didn't specialize, I just drank, but I love bars. I love sleazy, nasty, disgusting bars, which you probably don't have any of in Mount Vernon, but let me explain what they look like. I like those kind of bars that have sawdust on the floor.

I like them when the mirrors are cracked, you kind of have to dip around to see yourself in there. Um the upholstery around the bar is ripped or people have tried to hold on as they're falling off their bar stool and it's always a nice touch if there's a broken piece of furniture somewhere in the room and they used to be full of smoke. In California, you can't smoke in a bar anymore, which makes absolutely no sense to me.

I drank in bars where guys could take a piss against the wall. Um Apparently, they can still do that, but they can't smoke a cigarette in there. >> >> But they used to be full of smoke and they had that used booze urine smell that I I salivate still when I think about that.

I love that smell. I mean, there's some days when I'm in a really, really cranky mood and I'll go buy one of those joints and open the door and take a hit off of that and it just perks me up for the rest of the day. I >> >> But um But what fascinates me is the quality of people who drank in those bars.

I mean, there were CEOs of really big companies. There were bank presidents, admirals in the Air Force, neurosurgeons. I mean, that's what they said they were and I BUT WE WEREN'T SITTING AROUND having conversations like, "Well, what do you prefer, the red mouthwash or the green?

Well, what's your preference, Chantilly or Aqua Velva?" We weren't having those kinds of conversations. So, I don't know how I know that I can come and eat and drink. It's just kind of an intuitive knowing that we have, but um I had an opportunity to go to college.

I went to San Diego State. I graduated from there with a 3.8 grade point average. In retrospect, I can tell you I was drinking on a daily basis.

I was a chronic, hopeless, helpless alcoholic, only I didn't know it and I'm a blackout drinker. And I graduated from college with a 3.8 grade point average. Um I stayed at San Diego and took classes for a master's degree.

I'm one of those people if I'm doing something well, I want to keep doing it and apparently I do school well. And that almost killed me in Alcoholics Anonymous cuz when I got here, I told you I was too smart to be an alcoholic. Nobody with a 3.8 grade point average could possibly be an alcoholic.

I left San Diego cuz I had taken all the classes San Diego State had to offer. I have a disease that manifests itself in rationalization, justification, and denial. No matter what it is I do, I explain to you why I'm doing it.

And as I'm explaining it to you, I'm hearing it as I'm hearing it, I'm believing it. And I think I'm leaving San Diego cuz I've taken all the classes San Diego State has to offer. I don't think I'm leaving cuz I have one more drunk driving assault charge pending and um Another resentment I got in Alcoholics Anonymous, I found out here you can get arrested for a single charge of drunk driving.

I never knew that. I was getting arrested for drunk driving assault. And it had something to do with how I got out of the car.

And here's here's the thing. I'm driving down the street, the light comes on behind me, I pull over. The officer walks up.

Now, the first thing I do is slam my car door open. And my intent is is to knock him in the private parts. Men are a little fussy about their private parts.

So, as the door is flying open, he jumps back to protect himself. And when he jumps back, it's really a good thing because now he's far enough away that I can get him in focus. And I think one of him, one of me.

One of him, one of me, I think I can take him. One of him, one of me, I think I'll try. And I go out the car for him.

And it was a really good fight for a couple of minutes. And I was a lot younger then, but it was a good fight for a couple of minutes, but I wouldn't remember the back of the car, he had a friend. And the friend had a radio.

And the friend would call some more friends. And pretty soon be three or four of them one of me, it's not fair anymore. I say uncle and they take me away.

Next time the light comes on behind me, I pull over. The officer walks up, I slam the car door open, try and knock him in the private parts. He jumps back to protect himself.

He gets far enough away that I can get him in focus and I think one of him, one of me. One of him, one of me, I think I can take him. One of him, one of me, I think I'll try.

And I would go for him. Really good fight for a minute or two, but I wouldn't remember the friend, the radio, and the friend's friend. Pretty soon be four or five of them one of me, it's not fair anymore.

Um they take me away and uh Next time the light comes on behind me. And I don't do that once or twice. I did that three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12 times.

Never remembered the friend, the radio, and the friend's friend. And uh and that's the insanity of my disease. The insanity of my disease is I do the same thing over and over and I think the results are going to be different.

This time it's a fair fight. This time I'm going to take him and And uh I don't think I'm leaving cuz I have another one of those. Now, I drank during the time.

I don't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing. It just was. I I drank during the time where the state of California did not get their underwear in such a knot about drunk driving.

I understand they're a little testy about it now, but uh They never used to I mean, I had no con- well, I lost my driver's license, but you really don't need that to drive a car. Um But other than that, I've had no consequences. I mean, I'd call an attorney, I'd pay him a thousand dollars, which was a lot of money and he'd write a letter, he'd make a phone call, whatever he'd do and that'd kind of be the end of it.

I never really heard much about it, but one time I had two pending at the same time and my attorney was nervous. Now, if your attorney's nervous, I think you ought to worry about it. So, I'm in a bar worried about the fact that my my attorney's nervous and I just struck up a conversation with this guy sitting next to me.

And as luck would have it, he worked in a mortuary. And I think alcoholics, we come up with really good plans really quickly. And this was one of my best.

We went over the mortuary. We got a death certificate. We put my name on it.

We filled out all the pertinent information. We forged the doctor's signature. We sent it to the court because they can't expect a lot from you if you're dead.

And I called my attorney and I told him he didn't need to worry about it and he didn't worry, I didn't worry, nobody worried for I don't know, maybe a month, 45 days and the light came on behind me and I pulled over and the officer walked up and uh And this time the judge wanted to see me and I couldn't figure out why he wanted to see me. He never wanted to see me before, but I went. I'm a good sport.

I went and I'll I'll never forget him looking at me. He said, "Mr. Showalter, tell me, how is it a dead person is standing in my court?" And I looked at him with all sincerity, shrugged my shoulders, and said, "I don't know, bad luck." And um And that's what I thought it was.

It was bad luck. It was circumstances and conditions. It was the cops.

It was you and they and them. It was a lot of things that never occurred to me had anything to do with alcohol. Never occurred to me.

And I don't think I'm leaving San Diego cuz I have another drunk driving assault charge pending. I think I'm leaving cuz I've taken all the classes San Diego State has to offer. I don't think I'm leaving cuz I have a roommate who's a little annoyed with me.

Now, I don't know about you, but I I seem to attract people who are just a nuisance, but um >> >> I'm a bar drinker. Now, even in the worst of my alcoholism, I have a tremendous amount of compassion. Even as the most chronic, hopeless, helpless alcoholic, I had a huge amount of compassion and and I'm in a bar drinking.

And now, the men who drank in the bars that I drank in, I and if this offends you, I guess you deserve it, but the men who drank in the bars that I drank in had very little creativity. They had two basic lines. My wife doesn't understand and I have no place to stay tonight.

That was typically the end of their conversation. So, some guy come on to me with one of those lines and I have all this compassion, so I would say, "Look, I'll take you home with me tonight, but I don't want to talk to you again until the bar closes." So, being a lady of my word, when the bar closed, I take this guy home with me. And we get to my house, I'd send him into the bedroom telling him I had to go to the bathroom.

He'd go into the bedroom on the right. I would go into my bedroom on the left and I had just sent him in with my roommate. Now, >> >> some nights I was okay with her.

Some nights she didn't mind at all. Other nights, within a matter of minutes, there'd be all this banging on my bedroom door, which I had of course locked. I mean, I had 7:00 classes.

I had to get some rest. If it would have always been all right or never been all right, I'd have been okay, but she was so inconsistent. You could drink if you lived with her.

She was so inconsistent. So, I don't think I'm leaving cuz she's a little annoyed with me. I think I'm leaving cuz I've taken all the classes San Diego State has to offer.

I was offered a job in Chico, California, which is about as far north as you can get. I loaded everything I owned into my car. I took two cases of beer, two bottles of booze, and I headed north.

I got to Santa Ana, which is not the place you want to shoot for, but I got to Santa Ana. I was out of booze and I was thirsty. I pulled off the freeway.

I have a sense I can find the sleaziest bar in town without even looking for it. I walked into this place. It was full of smoke.

It had that used booze urine smell. Willie Nelson was singing on the jukebox and I knew I was home. That's as far north as I ever got.

88 miles from where I started from. Alcohol had become my mother, my father, my god, my lover, my friend, my companion, my support. And at some point it had turned and I've always believed it was in the middle of my first drink, but at some point it had turned and began to strip me of self-esteem, self-worth, decency, integrity, honesty, pride, all the things we have going for us as human beings.

And long before I got to you, it had taken it all. Long before I got to you, alcohol controlled every area of my life, where I would live, where I would work, the people I would run with, and eventually the people I would run from. And I didn't have a clue.

I thought I drank cuz I wanted to drink. I didn't know that at 13 years old I put alcohol into an alcoholic body and from that day on, I had no choice. I went immediately into the profession of my choice.

I rose very quickly to the top and that too almost killed me in Alcoholics Anonymous cuz when I got here, I told you I was too successful to be an alcoholic. Told you about the trophies and the plaques, but I didn't tell you about I was in the newspaper business and we often gave awards and and we often won awards and I didn't tell you about the time that I would come out of a blackout standing behind a podium much like this in a room full of people holding an award. Not knowing if I was giving it or receiving that time.

And so, I would say thank you and I would go sit down and then I'd get elbowed and told I was presenting it to the Kiwanis Club and I'd have to get up and start over again and and I didn't tell you that. I just told you I was too successful to be an alcoholic. I was uh Um one of my one of my huge problems is I always had bad car karma.

I don't know if anybody else has bad car karma, but I always had bad car karma and and uh one night and I and I probably didn't want to drink every night, but when you're in the newspaper business, you have to go to the bar every night. I mean, we worked really long hours, really hard and then you're required to go to the bar because that's where the news is. That's where you get the leads.

That's where you get the contacts. Now, in my own defense, I have to tell you I did periodically get some good leads in the bars. The problems were I would write the notes on those little napkins and then the glass would sweat and the ink would run and then in the morning I'd look at it and the ink's all out.

I couldn't read it. I was like, "Oh my god, I've got to go back there again tonight. I hope that guy's there tonight." And uh and I'm sure I didn't really even want to go, but it's part of my job.

I was required and uh one of my one of my great assets is I'm a I'm a great thinker. I think all the time. I mean, sometimes I hear still newcomers don't think.

I don't know how you do that. I think all the time. I'm talking to you, I'm thinking about something else and I start thinking about what I'm thinking and then I start thinking I shouldn't be thinking what I'm thinking while I'm thinking what I'm thinking that and I'll tell you what, I'm grateful I'm grateful I don't have a loudspeaker on my head so that everything I thought came barreling out.

I mean, that would be truly humiliating, but I think all the time and I've always thought all the time and once one particular night I leave the bar and I'm thinking and I'm and I'm driving and I'm thinking and I turn left onto my street and just as I turned left, the power steering on my car went out. And I crashed into a car on the left-hand side of the street and I turned the steering wheel just a little to get back to the center and I crashed into a car on the right. And then I crashed into one on the left and then I crashed into one on the right and I finally got to my house and pulled into the driveway and I just sat there for a minute so relieved that I'd gotten home safely.

>> >> Just sat in a moment of gratitude and uh finally I went into the house and I wasn't in the house but a minute or two and the doorbell rang. I looked at my watch, it's 20 after 2:00 in the morning. Who is looking for me now?

People always want something from you. People will not leave you alone. They're always after you for something and I open the door and it's the Orange County Sheriff.

And I said, "What do you Do you know what time it is? What do you want?" And he wanted me to come out in the front yard. So, I went out there and he points down at all these cars and I looked at him and I said, "And isn't it great that I got home safely?" And I start telling him about my car and apparently he's not mechanically doesn't care about my steering.

He opens up the backseat door of his car and he wants me to get in. Now, I'm in the newspaper business. I've been on the ride-along.

I know how to do the ride-along. I do not have time to do the ride-along tonight. I've got to get to bed.

And I'm explaining this to the officer and he's insisting I get into his car and I'm insisting I don't have time and he's insisting I get in and I finally get it. This guy is not going to give up. He's apparently got nothing to do this evening.

He needs to take somebody on the ride-along. I better just go and get it over with. So, I hop into the backseat of the car.

Now, I have a reputation as a violent drunk. Only I don't know it. If you're a violent drunk, you don't know you're a violent drunk.

I don't know that the way I get out of a car when I get pulled over has me labeled in Orange County as a violent drunk. So, I hop into the car and he shackles my ankles. And he cuffs my hands behind my back.

And in California, our police cars have a fence between the front seat and the backseat. I could never figure out what that's for, but there's a fence. And he starts driving me and now pretty soon we're on the freeway and I'm explaining to him on the ride-along you do not go on the freeway.

On the ride-along you stay on the surface streets. Get off the freeway. And he's ignoring me.

He's not speaking to me. He's just driving. And I don't know about you, but sometimes the devil flies into me.

And that morning the devil flew into me and I'm annoyed cuz he won't speak to me. And I'm annoyed cuz he's not following the rules. And so, I just honked up a big one and I just spit right on the back of his head and uh I don't know.

Yeah, I was pretty proud of it. It went right through that fence and in his head and uh he didn't he wasn't amused. He didn't even respond to that.

He just started driving faster. And pretty soon I'm watching the speedometer to hit 100 miles an hour and when he hit 100 miles an hour, he slammed on the brake. And I'm shackled and I'm cuffed and I can't break the fall.

I went face forward into that metal grate. My glasses broke and there was blood everywhere. It was a mess.

I'll never forget that night when they're taking my mug shot. They kept referring to me as waffle face cuz I had the grate >> >> And I don't know it's alcohol. I think it's you and they and them.

It's the cops. The cops are always looking for me. The cops always know what I'm driving.

They know what I'm driving if I have my car. They know if I'm driving 5-year car. They know what I'm driving if I have a stolen car.

They're always looking for me. It's you and they and them. It's circumstances and conditions.

It's the cops. It's a lot of things. Never occurs to me it has anything to do with the alcohol.

Never occurs to me. Um I got pulled The state of California started to get a little annoyed with people barreling down the freeway at 80 miles an hour blowing something in the breathalyzer above their grade point average. And um I got pulled over one more time uh for drunk driving and I was taking the field sobriety test.

I'm really really good at field sobriety tests. By this time I know, you know, how to walk. I know touch your finger to your nose means this.

It doesn't mean that. Um today I could still stand on one foot for 45 minutes. I'm really really good at field sobriety test and I even mentioned to the officer on what I pray God was my last one that I thought I was doing A+ work.

And at the end of the test, he asked me to say the ABCs backwards. Well, the time before I had responded with well, I can't even do that sober and then I had just confessed and they took me away. So, um on the last one when he asked me to say the ABCs backwards, I said, "Okay." and I turned around and I said, "A C." See, you think it's funny.

HE WASN'T EVEN AMUSED. >> >> I WAS TURNED AROUND. HE CUFFED ME.

HE took me to Orange County Jail and he put me in a cell with criminals. I mean, there were real criminals in there. There were prostitutes in there.

There were women burglars in there. Women who'd been arrested for beating their husband, which I don't think should be a crime, but in California they lock you up for it and uh and I knew I didn't belong there. So, I tried to organize a prison break and I uh >> >> I explained the plan very carefully and very slowly to the criminals.

It was an easy plan. We're going to get my coffee cup. We're going to bang them on the bars.

We make a lot of noise. The marshal's going to come to see what's going on. I'm throwing my arm around her neck.

We're getting her keys and we're getting out of here. I explained it very carefully and I heard something I was to hear in Alcoholics Anonymous. One of the criminals looked at me and she said, "Why don't you sit down and shut up?" And I said, "Fine then, y'all stay, but I'm getting out of here." And I was going like a madwoman on those bars.

Now, there's a couple problems with Styrofoam cups. Uh the first one is they don't make a lot of noise. The second one is the bars have a tendency to eat them up.

And when the bars ate them up and it got to my knuckles and it got painful, I sat down and I shut up. I went to court on that charge. I was 26 years old.

I was drunk that morning in court. Telling me we went to court, the laundromat, to work, the grocery store. It's the only way I did anything.

Sat there drunk that morning in court and because the state of California was starting to get upset about drunk drivers and as a result of my past record, um I was being sentenced to 10 years in prison. I have a son as a result of my alcoholism. I never wanted to be a mother.

I found out that is not adequate birth control. Um and I didn't like this kid. He was 8 months old.

He did nothing. He wet and he cried. He wouldn't get a job.

Um He did nothing. He interfered with my life a lot and I didn't like him, but I was willing to use him that morning. And I told the judge he couldn't put me in jail because I was a single parent and I self-supporting through my own contributions.

And he told me to put my son in a foster home because I was an unfit mother. Now, I would have admitted to being a lot of things, but I did not believe that I was an unfit mother. I had that kid with me every day of the week.

He sat in one of those plastic things that you put kids in where you don't want to touch him. And he was to spend the first 11 months of his life on a pool table in a smoke-filled bar. But, I thought having him with me made me a fit mother.

Rationalization, justification, and denial. No matter what it is I do, I explain it to you. And when I'm explaining it to you, I'm hearing it.

When I'm hearing it, I'm believing it. I was going to prison. My son was going to a foster home.

And in the middle of sentencing me, the expression on the judge's face changed and the tone of his voice got different. And I know he was as surprised at what he was saying as I was at what I was hearing cuz he looked at me and he said, "I know this won't work for you, but I'm going to offer you an alternative." And part of that alternative was meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I wish I could tell you that I took the alternative.

I left the court. I came here. I looked at the 12 steps.

I knew there's a solution to problems in my life and worked them all in the first week. And if Bob wasn't here, I wouldn't tell you that story, but um but that's not my story. I stood in the courtroom and thought about it.

Jail alternative. Jail alternative. I've been to jail.

There's more alcohol and other drugs inside the institution than there are some days on the street if you know what to do, who to do it to, and you're willing to go to any lengths. And I always was. Jail alternative.

Um and I'm trying to figure it out. I didn't know then what it was, but I know this morning. Um trying to figure it out, I had a moment of clarity.

As clear as I knew anything, I knew if I went to jail one more time, I would either die in the institution or I'd become institutionalized for life. And I didn't know why I knew it that morning, but I took the alternative. I left the courtroom and I drank for 3 more months.

In retrospect, I can tell I didn't drink a greater quantity. Physically, it'd have been impossible to drink a greater quantity of alcohol, but I drank with a sense of urgency and a desperation that I had never known. And on October 4th, 1975, the day before I was to go back to court to tell the judge what it was I was doing with the alternative he gave me.

On that day I came to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and I didn't know what AA was. I thought it was something like the PTA or Parents Without Partners and and a lot of days it is, but as far as I know I had never heard the words Alcoholics Anonymous. I had no idea what you people were going to do to me or for me and and that first meeting was a speaker meeting and I can't tell you who talked that night, but I heard two things.

I heard the answers are in the book Alcoholics Anonymous and uh and I heard we don't drink between meetings. So after the meeting I stole the book. I mean God knows I need to have the answers and uh I can't tell you how irritated I was when I went home and read the book.

Not only could I not find the answers in there, I couldn't even find the questions. And I thought, "Oh dear God, I've stolen the wrong book and I'm going to have to go back and get the right one and I'm a thief. It's humiliating for a thief to have stolen the wrong book." But uh and the other thing I heard was we don't drink between meetings and I don't know how that impacted other newcomers, but it made me really nervous.

I couldn't figure out why the judge sent me to a place where people didn't drink. I would have understood if he sent me to Sears School of Safe Driving. I did not understand why he sent me to a place where people didn't drink and I was going to go to court to tell him he had made this hideous mistake.

But I figured before I go I better find the answers. So Wednesday with four days of sobriety I came to my second meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous to get the answer book. That's the only reason I came back.

I don't think it matters why you come back. I don't think it matters what your motives are, what your intentions are. I think it matters is what your actions are.

Wednesday with four days of sobriety I came to my second meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous to get the answer book. And that was a small discussion meeting and in that meeting I heard if you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it. And I looked around the room and I looked around the room and I looked around the room and I could not figure out what it was you had that was so hot that I should be willing to go to any length to get it.

I mean, look at the person next to you unless you're sleeping with them. What is it? I could not figure it out.

And then I saw him. And I truly believe there's a him for each of us. This guy was a skinny little fellow.

He was bald-headed. He wore baggy pants. Not I haven't seen any baggy pants in Mount Vernon and I work with adolescents in California.

I work with kids that wear pants that have absolutely no relationship to their body size. Um but his weren't that baggy, but they were baggy. He had tennis shoes on with no shoelaces, but the holes were there where they should have been and he nodded out during the meeting.

And I quickly assessed the situation. I figured he's shooting heroin. Folks who shoot heroin nod out.

And I can probably do this thing and not drink if I can shoot a little heroin. So I snuck down to his office and I said, "Dick, I have to do this thing called Alcoholics Anonymous to stay out of jail and I don't know how to do it." He told me if I would go to meetings and read the book and talk to other alcoholics and not drink. So I guarantee you won't get drunk.

And if you don't get drunk, your life will get different. And I'm gratefully told it to me that way. He didn't tell me my life would get better.

He didn't tell me my finances would get better, my job life would get better, my relationships would get better, my family life would get better, my sex life would get better. He didn't tell me any of it would get better and I'm grateful. Cuz none of it has.

>> >> It's a little hope for the newcomer. >> >> But it's all gotten different. And as I stand here this morning I can tell you from the top of my head to the tip of my toes I have never had it so good.

See, left to my own devices I'll shortchange myself. I'm going through something I think is bad for me it generally turns out to be good for me. And I'm going through something I think is good for me and it generally turns out to be bad for me.

And I don't know good from bad for me. I've gone through times in the last 31 years that have been incredibly, incredibly painful, torture, torture painful. Um disappointment, sadness, torture.

And I'm so I'm so dramatic I always refer to it as the dark night of the soul. Unless of course you're going through it then I just tell you to get over yourself, but um >> >> BUT IN THOSE TIMES IF I DON'T drink and don't die and don't drink and don't die, I've gotten beyond it to see that every time I've thought my life was falling apart, what was really happening is it was falling together. And it had to be exactly that way for God to move me to where he'd have me be.

You see, I get content right here right now. Right here right now life is good. Right here right now life is better than anything it's ever been and I get I'll dig a little rut.

I get so content I dig a little rut. I decorate. I'm just really, really happy with right here right now, but God has a plan for me bigger than my wildest imagination.

I have a really wild imagination, but bigger than my wildest imagination God has a plan for me and every once in a while I got to have a little kick in the butt out of the rut. And that kick in the butt out of the rut sometimes is very, very painful. But it has to be that way for God to move me.

See, left to my own devices I'll shortchange myself. I came to Alcoholics Anonymous to stay out of jail. That's all I wanted out of this deal.

If I'd have had it my way I'd have shortchanged myself with a single day in the last 31 years I have it my way. I'll shortchange myself. Um so I don't know good from bad for me and that man didn't lie to me and that man that I thought was shooting heroin was really sober longer than I've been alive, which shows you what my judgment of people was like.

And and the reason that he nodded out in meetings is he had something inside that I never clue as to what it was. He had a serenity and a peace inside. He was right with himself, he was right with us, he was right with God.

I had no idea what that was. None, no idea. But I believed that old man and I don't know why I believed him.

You see, I spent my whole life um as a small child I remember people hurt me, they disappointed me. Uh my parents told me they loved me and even though their love had died, their love was physically, emotionally and and mentally abusive. Um I made a decision as a very, very small child I don't want to be hurt anymore.

I just don't want to be hurt anymore. And to keep you from hurting me cuz I knew you would hurt me over and over and over, as a small child I began to build a brick wall to keep you out. And I built a brick wall to keep you out cuz I don't want to be hurt anymore.

And that brick wall worked really well, it kept you out. What I never knew about that brick wall is it made me a prisoner inside. I lived behind that wall in isolation and loneliness.

And alcohol didn't allow me to come out and play. Alcohol has made it okay for me to be back there. But when you live behind a wall like that, you don't believe and you don't trust.

And I hadn't believed another human being in a very long time. But I believed that old man that morning. And I can tell you exactly why I believed him.

Because of the music of Alcoholics Anonymous. The music of Alcoholics Anonymous, one alcoholic talking to another. One alcoholic talking to another goes through that brick wall.

And I believed that old man and I had the books every day I'd open it to the line that says, "Most of us are unwilling to admit we are real alcoholics." I'd say amen and close the book and that was reading the book. I went down to the Canyon Club in Laguna Beach where they have AA meetings. I didn't go to a meeting, I'd have a cup of coffee.

And on the way out I'd say, "Hi Jim." to the manager. He'd say, "Hi Patty." That was talking to another alcoholic. My court program said I had to go to two meetings a week.

I thought that was really excessive, but I was willing to go to any length to stay out of jail. So I went to the two meetings a week my court program said I had to go to. And the only thing I did right is I didn't drink.

And I didn't drink and I didn't drink and I didn't drink. And I pray God happens to everybody who's new what happened to me. I've been in pain in the last 31 years.

Sometimes life is painful, not just for alcoholics, but for everybody. Sometimes life is painful. Painful things happen.

And I've been in pain in the last 31 years, but I have never been in the kind of pain that I was in 8 and 1/2 months away from my last drink. The pain of not drinking and not recovering. The pain of not drinking and not recovering is the greatest pain I've ever been in.

And 8 and 1/2 months away from my last drink, that pain drove me to my knees. And on my knees I took the first step of recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous. I admitted I was powerless over alcohol.

Whenever I ingested alcohol, I'm damned to live the way alcohol says I'll live. And my life had become unmanageable. I have no choices in my life.

Alcohol controls every area of my life. 8 and 1/2 months away from my last drink, on my knees I took the first step of recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous. My sobriety was a gift from a very gentle and very loving God.

It was a gift given to me on a day I wasn't looking for it. It was a gift that I never asked for, it's a gift that I never wanted. It was something I never never sought.

Yet was given to me by a very gentle and a very loving God on October 4th, 1975. And 8 and 1/2 months later I chose to recover in Alcoholics Anonymous. The book says, "These are the steps we took which are suggested as a program of recovery." It's my experience that once I chose to recover in Alcoholics Anonymous I am required to work the steps exactly the way they're written in the book Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I'm happy to tell you this morning that I have done that. I came to believe for me I wanted to share real quickly and I know I know I only have a few minutes. I'll talk just a little faster.

>> >> I um and this is just my experience with the steps. If you have a different experience, please talk to your sponsor after the meeting. Do not tell me I didn't have my experience cuz it confuses me.

>> >> I have often said I have no problem with God, but the truth is I have one problem with God. I believe we are all God's children and I've always wanted to be an only child. Um other than that I really have no problem with God, but I'm a loner by nature.

Alcoholics Anonymous didn't change my nature. What Alcoholics Anonymous has done for me is it's given me the courage and strength I need to do the things I need to do in spite of my nature. But I'm a loner by nature.

The book talks about we become disgustingly and dangerously antisocial. I didn't become that way, I started out that way. I have over the years acquired one social skill and lucky for you I haven't used it yet today.

So I still have it available, but I don't have a lot of social skills. What I know about living life I've learned from you. What I know about living life I've learned from the men and women of Alcoholics Anonymous.

You shared your experience and allowed me to take your experience in the world and live it and it becomes my experience. And then you share your experience and allow me to take it in the world and live it and it becomes my experience. Everything I know I know from you.

I was at a birthday party a couple years ago at this young kid's house and his mother was hosting his first AA birthday party and she was very excited to have all you know everybody there celebrating and and went to her house and I have learned from you because I've heard you. You walk into people's houses and you say, "Oh, what a lovely home you have." So, I know that. So, I walk in and I say, "Oh, what a lovely home you have." And the woman says, "Would you like to come see Can I show you the rest of it?" I said, "Oh, no, thank you.

I shop." Um My sponsor calls it robbery. I call it shopping. I just need a few things.

Um And this woman followed me the entire time I was AT HER HOUSE. >> >> BUT EVERYTHING I KNOW, I KNOW FROM YOU. BUT I am quite a quite frankly, you know you're a loner if you don't like AA potlucks.

But I'm a loner by nature. My preference is to sit on my couch and watch reruns of Special Victims Unit. That's what I like to do.

So, for me the power greater than myself in step two, for me was not God. Because you see as a loner, if I had come to believe God was going to do this, God would have flown over, sprinkled me with sanity, taken off to wherever it is God hangs out, and that would have been the end of it. I would have never had to do another thing.

Somebody else would be here sharing with you this morning. I would be on my Well, I'd still be in bed. Um So, for me the power greater than myself was the action of steps 3 4 5 6 7 8 9.

I came to believe through taking the action of the steps I would be restored to right thinking. You see, I told you, I think all the time. My thinking is a little skewed from the rest of the world.

As a result of take what I came to believe was that I could act my way into right thinking. Um you see, I spent my whole life trying to think my way into right living. That has never worked for me.

I came to believe in step two that through the power of the steps I could act my way into right thinking. I came to believe the power greater than myself for me was the action of the steps. Um step three is simple, make a decision.

How do you want to live? Chronic alcoholic or do you want to believe the people in AA are telling you the truth? Hopeless drunk, hope.

Um incomprehensible demoralization, hope. It's not a difficult decision. I think I'll go with hope.

But here's the problem. I drive to work the same way every day and I'm going up the street and I have to make a decision turn right or go left. To get to my job, I got to turn right.

I make a decision turn right and I go straight through the intersection. So, I make a U-turn, I come back toward the intersection. I got to make a decision turn right, turn left.

To get to my job, I got to turn left. I make a decision turn left and I go straight through the intersection. I make another U-turn.

Now, I'm starting to get irritated and I do the same thing and I make a decision turn right and I go straight through the intersection. Now, I'm really irritated. I'm swearing.

I make another U-turn. I head back to it. Make a decision.

I got to turn left to get to my job. I make a decision to turn left. I take the steering wheel and I do this.

The decision I make in my car has no impact on my car. What has an impact on my car is turning the steering wheel. The decision you're asking me to make in step three, although vital, has no no uh power in my life.

What has power in my life is taking an action. The action I needed to take was writing the inventory and so I did that. I did that the way the book says to do it.

I made the columns. Who I resented, which basically turned out to be everybody who breathed air that I thought should have been mine. What they did to me.

Well, I wanted to tell you all my life what they did to me. How it affected me. Affects my security, my self-worth, my Well, no wonder I drank.

If all these people did all these things to you, you'd have to drink, too. And I was having a good time doing this until I accidentally in my zealousness turned the page of the big book. Hidden in the body of the text, it says, "Referring to our uh list, we put out of our minds the wrongs others had done and we looked at our part." Well, now it's not any fun anymore and it took all the fun out of it.

But I did that. Did that with my resentments, my fears, and my relationships. And for the first time I saw who Patio really was.

I'd spent my whole life putting on a show for you and I'd come to believe the show. I put my fourth step in the trunk of my car cuz I wasn't going to share it with anybody, for God's sake. And uh drove around for a long time with a sense of impending doom.

And of course, the fear was I'd be rear-ended on the freeway, my trunk would fly open, my fourth step would be everywhere, and uh I'd of course put my first and last name on it cuz I'm very very anal. Um and then I was in Los Angeles talking to somebody one night and we were talking and realized we were doing the I was doing my fifth step and I thought if I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it right. And I went in my car and got my fourth step.

I did my fifth step with that woman. And that big brick wall I had built between me and you, one brick came out of that wall. One lousy brick.

But every time I shared with another alcoholic, another brick has come out of that wall. And this morning I have no brick wall between me and you. I have a little Styrofoam thing I throw up sometimes cuz sometimes I get afraid.

Sometimes I'm insecure. Sometimes I have self-doubt. I read I made this up.

I make up stuff all the time with no input from you. But I made up somehow I thought if I worked the steps really really hard with enough zealousness, with enough passion, if I really really really worked the steps, I would somehow skyrocket above human. I would never experience a feeling as I judge as negative.

I would never have any fear, no insecurity. I just kind of be up here do do do do. The truth for me in working the steps is I've come into my humanness.

And as a human being, I sometimes I'm afraid, I'm insecure, I have self-doubt. The difference is I have you. And when one of you takes my hand and walks with me through the fear, takes my hand and walks with me through the insecurity, you add to my life.

When I tried to do it alone, I shortchanged myself. When I let one of you walk with me through my fears and insecurities, you open new doors and you add to my life. Steps six and seven for me are the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous.

We tell new people don't leave before the miracle happens and we don't tell them what it is. >> >> The miracle for me is exactly what it says in step seven. In reading that prayer, that prayer took the longest journey anything's ever taken for me, the journey from my head to my heart.

And in reading that prayer, I knew that I believed it and I walked through the archway to freedom. I walked away from the person I'd been all of my life to start to become the person God intended for me to be. And I believe that's the miracle here.

The person who walked through the door, the best I've ever described myself as an animal with latent human tendencies. That's what came through the doors. Because you've been willing to share with me, I've become very kind, loving, gentle, considerate, uh passionate.

And of course, now you're telling me it's codependency and I have to recover from it. But um I love the person who I am. I'm tempted to write a book, Women Who Love Themselves Too Much.

>> >> Steps eight and nine for me are conventional ways of getting rid of conventional guilt. I felt guilty cuz I was guilty. I did a lot of things to a lot of people for one more drink.

I felt guilty cuz I was guilty. If came between you and a drink, I took a drink. A job and a drink, I took a drink.

The only thing I've wanted to do since I was in the fourth grade was be a writer. Had an opportunity to go into that profession, I gave it up for one more drink. Anything and a drink, I took a drink.

And it wasn't just sorry. It was about living my life differently. I said sorry all my life.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Then I'd get caught and then sorry, sorry, sorry. Then caught.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. So, it wasn't about sorry. It was about living my life differently and I don't know how to do that.

So, I come to Alcoholics Anonymous. And you share how to be a mother and not take a drink. And you share how to be an employee and not take a drink.

And you share how to be a partner and not take a drink. And everything I am, I learn because the men and women of Alcoholics Anonymous shared with me. You never told me what to do.

You have always shared with me what you have done. Um I think uh steps 10 11 and 12 for me are the recovery steps. They're the steps that give me the privilege to continue to sit in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous.

10 says the process is powerful. Keep using it, keep writing about it, talking about it. Ask God to remove the defect, make amends if necessary, and then turn your attention to somebody you can help.

What is it I can do for you? How can I be of service? I hear us tell new people all the time, "Let us love you until you can love yourself." I don't know about you, but I loved me all my life.

I made some hideous, unhealthy choices, but I loved me all my life. My message is, "Let us love you until you can love somebody else. Let us love you until you can have the hand of your sponsor in one hand and the hand of the new man or woman in the other hand.

Let us love you until you can love somebody else. What is it I can do for you? How can I be of service?" The biggest most important commitment in Alcoholics Anonymous is coffee maker.

I was made coffee maker in my Monday night step study meeting. After the meeting, they handed me this big old coffee pot, this big old pound 3-lb thing of coffee, and sent me on my way. The next Monday I showed up.

Now, I live alone. I have never I have no idea what this is. So, I fill up the whole coffee pot.

I open up the can. I dump it all in. >> >> Plug it in, turn it on.

I was a good 45 minutes before it went bloop. Bloop. I mean, it was blooping really slow and uh Sky came into the meeting.

He poured himself a big old cup. He took a hit of that coffee. His eyeballs rolled back in his head.

>> >> Next person did the same thing. But nobody said, "This is really crummy, lousy coffee. Who made this?" Well, nobody said that.

Pretty soon they're only taking half cups of coffee. But uh We have the meeting. At the end of the meeting, the secretary has made it gives his announcements.

He said, "You know, we had a steering committee before the meeting." I thought, "When did they do that? I was here 2 hours early making their stupid coffee." He said, "We had a steering committee and we realized coffee maker is the most important commitment in Alcoholics Anonymous. So, we've assigned Patty an assistant." And so, the next week my assistant and I show up.

Now, I don't know much, but I know how to delegate. So, I did the coffee, the water in the pot. He opened the can and he measured it.

You did not tell me what to do. You didn't criticize me. You didn't shame me.

You didn't give me any guilt. You didn't tell me I was a lousy member of Alcoholics Anonymous. You didn't tell me I was no damn good.

You didn't tell me nothing. You just gave me somebody who would be an example of a healthier way to do it. And you have done that with me consistently for 31 years.

And I didn't come to Alcoholics Anonymous for that. I just came here to stay out of jail. I have I hear people say, "I deserve.

I deserve." I'll tell you what I deserve. I deserve 2 days in the electric chair. Step 11 for me, my prayer in the morning is very simply, "Thy will be done." I'm I'm very naive.

I believe the rest of the day is God's business. My prayer at night I offer to anybody who'd like to use it. My prayer at night is, "Dear God, please have people treat me tomorrow exactly the way I treated people today." And when I know I'm going to say that prayer tonight, it will hold me in good stead.

I don't live my life so much out of virtue as I know that I'm going to say that prayer tonight. Please have people treat me tomorrow exactly the way I treated people today. I don't flip people off on the freeway anymore.

I rarely announce I still count that I don't announce the number of items in the 10 item or less line at the grocery store. Um And step 12 is the greatest gift you've ever given me, the opportunity to take a little of my past and give it to another alcoholic. To look into the eyes of another alcoholic and say, "Honey, you don't have to live that way anymore.

Take my hand, come with me, sit in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous." Um and you don't have to live that way anymore. I'm going to tell you two quick stories. I know I'm out of time, but I'm not out of breath, so >> >> I'm going to tell you two quick stories.

Um I have done everything wrong in Alcoholics Anonymous. Sometimes when I tell my story, I think, "Oh, they should have started calling me Saint Patio any minute." Um I have done everything wrong here. I'm very critical, I'm very judgmental, I love taking your inventory, I can't wait to share it with somebody else.

Um I've slept with newcomers and I would do it again in a minute if I had a chance. Um I charged one time for a 12-step call. I mean, I have done um I have done everything wrong in Alcoholics Anonymous, but the thing I've done right is I haven't taken a drink of alcohol.

And my experience is here is that we become we come into our humanness and as human beings, we sometimes make mistakes. As human beings, we make unhealthy choices. As un As human beings, we do things that we are not even all that thrilled about immediately.

What I know from my experience is if I don't take a drink of alcohol, I can choose to live different tomorrow. If I take a drink of alcohol, all bets are off. If I turn into take a drink of alcohol, I have no choices.

I am required to continue to live in the same way day after day after day. Um my son, who was 11 months old when I got sober, uh was raised in Alcoholics Anonymous. I brought him to every meeting I came to.

Everything he knows, he learned from the men and women of Alcoholics Anonymous. He learned taught him how to be kind and loving and gentle. He also taught him how to con and manipulate, which I've never been thrilled with, but everything my son knows, he's learned from the men and women of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And if just sitting in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous were enough, my son would have never had a problem. If just sitting here were enough, but just sitting in Alcoholics Anonymous is not enough. And my son had a journey that he had to go on.

He had to go on a journey of alcoholism. He went into places that men and women should not have to go and he did things that men and women should not have to do. And he started calling me as a as a and asking for money and he was living in San Francisco at the time and he had had some hideous accident needed 140 stitches or something in his head and he needed $240 and I said, "Well, Patrick, give me the address and I'll send the money." And he said, "Oh, no, they need cash." And I said, "Well, I don't know how to do that." So, he taught me how to do MoneyGram and um then he started calling me periodically.

He kept hurting himself and he kept needing stitches and hideous things were happening to him and I kept sending I had three or four MoneyGrams going cuz I didn't want the little MoneyGram person to know I was sending money again and I had little stories going and I was in the ring with his disease. I'm powerless. Whenever I get into the ring with alcohol, I lose.

When I'm fighting cuz I'm drinking it or I'm fighting it cuz you're drinking it. Whenever I get into the ring with alcohol, I lose. But the thing I did right is I came to Alcoholics Anonymous.

I came here and I told you the truth and I told you I sent money and I told you the lie I told the clerk and I told you the story he was telling me and and the men and women of Alcoholics Anonymous, I was 25, 26 years sober and they said, "Patty, aren't you embarrassed? Are you embarrassed to be sharing that? I mean, you should know better than that." I want you to know this, if I get too embarrassed to tell the truth in Alcoholics Anonymous, I'm going to be out there drunk.

I would rather be here and be embarrassed telling you the truth about my humanness than to take a risk of being out there drunk. So, I continued to come to you and tell you the truth. Every time my son would call me, I would I would guilt him and tell him he needed to go to Alcoholics Anonymous and we'd have this little battle before I finally agreed to send the money, but I kept saying, "Go to You need to go to Alcoholics Anonymous.

You need to go to Alcoholics Anonymous." I'm a very active member of Alcoholics Anonymous and my son would say to me, "I am not going to be Patty's son. Not going to be Patty's son." And and I said, "Patrick, trust me, there are people in in San Francisco never even heard of me. Just go to Alcoholics Anonymous." And and it was his rationalization, justification, denial.

He would not be Patty's son. He moved back to Southern California and it continued for a while and then one morning he called me at work and God will do for me what I cannot do for myself. God won't do for me what I can do for myself.

God won't send me money in the mail because I'm able to go to work. But God will do for me what I cannot do for myself. This is my only son.

I love this boy more than life itself. And he called me up one morning and one more time he needed help and he was in a motel room in Southern California and he needed help and I said, "Patrick, I can't help you anymore. If I come, I'm going to kill you." And I said, "Just stay where you are." And I called a man in Alcoholics Anonymous and I called a high-profile member of Alcoholics Anonymous cuz maybe he's going to 12-step my son.

He's going to be a high-profile member of Alcoholics Anonymous and uh and I got his voicemail. And so, I my fingers dialed the biggest goof I could think of in Alcoholics Anonymous. I might think God dialed this guy up cuz I wouldn't have called him.

He's a goof. I'm not entrusting my only son to this man and uh and I called him and I told him and thank God he understood the traditions cuz he didn't say, "Have the boy call me." He said, "Where is he?" And I gave him the address and they went and got my son out of that motel room and they brought him to the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous and they did with him what you have done with me. They showed him what to do.

They didn't tell him to stand at the door and greet. They stood at the door with him and greeted. They didn't tell him what to do, they showed him what to do.

And they brought him to the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous and on October 23rd, my son celebrated 4 years of sobriety as a very active member of Alcoholics Anonymous. >> >> AND AT THE END OF THIS MONTH, I'M GOING TO BE A grandmother and I am so thrilled about being a grandma. I can't even tell you how badly I want to spoil this child and just I get all my revenge out, but um A couple of years ago, my son had been in AA for about a year, a year and a half maybe and kid came up to me Wednesday night at our at our Wednesday night meeting.

He walked up to me and he said, "Are you Pat O's mother?" And uh I went and found my son. I said, "I will not be Pat O's mother." >> >> And he is absolutely the best son a mother could have because of the pro 12 steps of recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous, he is the best son that a mother could have. I am so grateful to you for giving me this young man in my life.

And I didn't come to Alcoholics Anonymous for that. I came here to stay out of jail. That's all I wanted out of this deal.

And if I'd have had it my way, I I shortchanged myself. When I was 4 days sober, an old man told me if I didn't drink, I wouldn't get drunk. And if I didn't get drunk, my life would get different.

And he didn't lie to me and I have never had it so good. And the thing I end with and I always end with it, I end with it cuz it's my experience and I pray God it's your experience. It's a line in chapter 5 that says, "There is one who has all power.

That one is God. May you find him now. Thank you." >> >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise.

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