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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> >> Good evening everyone.

My name is Ben Hunt and I'm an alcoholic. I've been sober today by the grace of God, good sponsorship, and meetings similar to this since January 18th of 2004. >> >> Like to thank Dave for asking me to come share.

I'm tonight I'm going to share in a general way what I used to be like, what happened, and what I'm like today. And um I grew up in Jamestown, North Dakota. Oh, yeah.

That's what I always thought, but uh I got four other brothers. I had two parents. My mom recently moved to Memphis a few years ago and I don't know if I grew up feeling like I was out of place until probably about the age of five.

At the age of five I got my eye poked out by my great grandma with a little plastic dart with some needles stuck in it cuz I was playing a game I put some needles in the dart and I got my eye poked out. But anyways, to make a long story short, that's when I first started kind of create my first lies and that's when I first kind of started to do kind of create this other image other than what was real cuz people would ask me the story what happened and I just got tired of telling it. So I started making up a story of how my eye actually got poked out and um you know, I was a little bit taller than the other kids and I always I did start to feel a little bit of a separation.

Then I excelled at school. I got put in the uh classes early in the morning for the talented and gifted and in the third grade I got kicked out of those classes for cheating on a science test. Um One of the other nerds that was in my early morning classes with me told me it was an open book test.

So I started using my book for the test and Miss Thompson caught me cheating. Made me help the janitor for uh the week after school and um I was a little bit bitter about that. That was my first real real hardcore resentments towards her and I kind of got some attention for that though cuz there's there's Ben helping the butt out the janitor every night after school and uh I've always liked to get attention one shape, form, or another and I kind of from that moment on found out that it's a lot easier to get the negative attention than it is to get the good attention and then I kind of rolled with that.

Back at Roosevelt Elementary, if you got in trouble you had to stand with your nose to the the brick wall in the lunchroom while everyone walked past you in line to go get their lunch trays and oh, as the years went on I was up there more and more often and I really didn't seem to mind cuz you just stand there your nose to the wall you can kind of see everyone through the corner of your eye they're laughing and pointing. It was like, you know, I don't know. I kind of I liked the attention and that kind of started to become the people that I hung around with.

I'd always trace around with my older brother Chris and uh got in a lot of trouble. Actually, I think Chris and Chad B in the group here was my first resentment towards God and I was riding my bike with training wheels on it. We were putting black skid marks on the sidewalk and uh preacher came and caught us.

Well, those two were big enough so they can pedal away, but the preacher got a hold of me and all I can remember is this might not happen this way, but the preacher was cussing me out and I was bawling pedaling my little bike away from the scene and uh ever since then I kind of you know, after doing my fourth step I kind of came up with that's the conclusion where I just kind of acted out if that's what those religious folks are about I don't want nothing to do with it. And um that was kind of my idea on organized religion all the way through. I thought that the you know, the little stories that they give you in Sunday school were a bunch of made drummed up stuff by these people, these weirdos and you know, people parting red seas and all this other crap happen.

I just wasn't buying into it and uh >> >> you know, growing up through um through high school and through grade school as a kid I started grow out a mullet. I had a mullet and I was wearing Miller hats, a shirt, my KISS t-shirt. I made my mom take me to a KISS concert when I was 12 years old cuz she wouldn't let me go by myself.

She had to come with me and I just kind of started to distance myself from everybody else in the real world, but uh you know, I always felt like I had a lot of friends. I excelled at a lot of sports. Chris was talking about being a swimmer.

I was in the swimming too from very early age and I was doing well. I was actually state champion when I was 11 and I think the next year afterwards a group of people were talking about swimming being not as cool as I thought it was and I just quit. You know, I would I wanted people to think highly of me and I would do anything to gain the your acceptance and your approval and that would uh later to become one of my more crippling handicaps like Lurvig was talking about.

I just kind of started to be a chameleon. Whatever you wanted me to be I'd be it. And growing up gotten a lot more trouble through high school, getting into fist fights and stuff like that, getting kicked out of classes, just being a regular jerk to teachers.

Uh Anybody about me I'd like to uh pick on the kids who were less fortunate in high school and just kind of be a jerk to everyone around me cuz I never felt equal to. I was either better than or less than you and uh And I never knew I was alcoholic. Now looking back I believe I was destined to be alcoholic long before I ever took my first drink.

Me and my older brother had a like a 300 plus beer can collection. We made our dad get us four small and buy different types of beers so we can build this big shrine of empty beer cans. That was like at the age of seven, eight years old and uh Um first first drinks I would steal drinks from the basement of our house.

I'd mix drinks up. Take a few drinks with along the paper route. Never drank enough to get drunk while I was doing the paper route, but I could always tell that the second half of the paper route went much better than the first did.

>> >> Um Finally at the age of 12, 13 around around my older brother Chris is where I drank enough to get drunk. It was Black Velvet. I went uh to a house party.

They were playing this card game over there where you drink a lot and my brother allowed me like five or six beers. I drank I ran out of those and someone had some Black Velvet whiskey so I just started supplementing the whiskey instead of the beer and I didn't know that whiskey was stronger than beer at the time. So I was just drinking this stuff like uh it was you know, just like a regular beer and uh found myself uh puking out in the front lawn of the house party.

Puking up blood I later realized after being in AA that the black stuff that you throw up is blood. I passed out. I blacked out and I swore to God I never drink that night.

I remember actually saying I swore to God I never drink, but in a short period of time that night I felt I felt like I was the party. I felt absolutely comfortable in my own skin. I felt what I thought the way I thought I should feel for a long time and at the time I wouldn't have gone and told you I was restless, ill, and discontent with my life and the people in it, but it just made me feel like I've always wanted to feel.

I felt absolutely beautiful. And from that moment on started the obsession that someday, somehow I'm going to control and enjoy my drinking and mix things up, you know, started drinking beer on the weekends and just really had a good time. I had a blast.

90% of my drinking career was an absolute blast. I loved every minute of it minute of it and I'd do it again, you know. And um Drinking just kind of went on like that.

I got my first arrest when I was 17 and that was the first of probably about 24 arrests and the consequences aren't what what gets guys like me sober. They're just they're they're part of the gig and over the period of time my uh >> >> my mind won't uh pull up the memories of what happened last month, you know, I go out with the idea that that's not going to happen again. Um I uh in 1999 I ended up getting my girlfriend pregnant.

We had a baby boy named Austin and uh this is where I started my first attempts to really try to buckle down and control my drinking and I'd be able to keep things together for you know, the week and then we'd ship Austin off to the grandparents and it would be um you know, it would be all out on the weekends and I'd behave for short periods of time and but when when it was game on it was game on and uh I later eventually ended up leaving that situation. I got arrested for domestic violence which I'm not proud of. It's just um it's one of those things that happened and you know, I don't even know how I got myself in that situation cuz I was never going to be that guy.

I was never going to be that guy that hit the woman that I was with, but it's one of those one of the many things that happened of uh the list I had of things I was not going to do in life and I crossed that one out. And after I left her I kind of had nobody or nothing telling me what I could and couldn't do anymore and that's how I uh like to do things. I've pretty much been on my own as far as parental guidance.

My parents didn't ask where I was at from the age of 12. I can go out and be gone for the weekend and it was you know, no big deal, but uh so I was back to just Ben left with his own devices and uh >> >> I could drink the way I wanted to drink and uh the way I started drinking then was pretty much every day, every chance I can get to and this is when I >> >> found out that uh to avoid hangovers just start drinking. I seen a sign hanging in the bar in Windsor.

It's a small town to the west of Jamestown that said avoid hangovers, stay drunk. And I was like, that makes sense. So uh I'd be the guy waking up at the parties still there from the night before and I just crawl into the fridge and start drinking again.

It only took a few to get me get right back in the saddle and uh I felt good. You know, I'm just do anything to uh make myself uh comfortable in my own skin. But, uh this is also about the time where I ran into drugs.

Drugs was one of those things that one of my nevers. I always looked down on people who did drugs in high school, and I wasn't going to be one of those guys. And I started becoming a pretty regular user of cocaine and meth just to balance out my drinking.

And I could drink like the way I used to drink on that stuff for a short period of time. I could drink like I was 17 again. And it worked well, and I think it kind of helped me get here a little bit earlier than I normally would have had I not done this stuff.

But, uh I drank like that and did those things for a few more years. And uh going to parties. I used to run with Ben P here.

And our idea of a good time is uh boarding ourselves up in the jungle room for a week, staying up straight, and drinking. I'd go to work and still be up for the whole time. And you know, that was our idea of a good time.

I was looking for guys like Ben to go drinking with. Guys who drank like that. Guys who wanted to go on the three, four, five-day runs.

But, uh I started to experience a lot of pain in my side. My liver was starting to deteriorate. And I went to the clinic to get put on Antabuse cuz I thought I feared for my life.

I wanted to stop drinking. I knew I couldn't do it on my own willpower. So, I went in the clinic and the doctor told me I needed to go to Alcoholics Anonymous for treatment.

And I wasn't going to do either one of the two cuz I watched Sandra Bullock in 28 Days. I wasn't going to stand in a circle and chant. So, I would I would uh Where was at Where I was at at that point in time is um full flight full flight from reality like the book talks about.

And uh you know, I was living only for one might say to drink. And at that point in time I walked out of the doctor's office. I didn't care if if I died drunk.

I kind of thought it'd be fitting. You know, I thought it was my role in life is to uh drink myself to death. And that's what I tried to do.

I went on a run after that for about 50 days in the bars pretty much anytime they were open or they let me in. And uh I ran into this girl. And for some reason I tried to sober up for this girl.

Um I keep things together for about 3 weeks. And after 3 weeks I just I'd be restless, irritable, and discontent. I didn't know what was wrong with me.

But, uh what was going on right here right now wasn't it. So, I needed to go do something else. And that happened over and over for about a year.

And I tried to keep things together for her which eventually >> >> wound me up uh breaking up with her. And uh my last drunk before I went into treatment, I was either going to kill myself or going to treatment. And uh And that was a big debate for me to do.

I was just kind of strung out. And I was just sick and tired of being sick and tired. I didn't know how to get out of this mess.

And I was either going to go to treatment or I was going to kill myself. And I called her up actually asked her if she'd give me a ride to treatment. She said that she would the next day because I called like a year prior after that whole Antabuse deal.

And they said I called them up and said I needed to go to treatment. They said okay, can't wait till Wednesday. And I said yes and hung up the phone.

And by Wednesday I completely forgot about me needing me going to any treatment. So, um I went to treatment. Um I tried to you know, I had paid attention in treatment.

I was I had an honest desire to stop drinking at the time. And uh out of treatment I was doing the same things with the same people. And eventually 3 weeks out of treatment I was drunk again.

And not knowing why or how this happened. And I I have always absolutely convinced that if I stayed sober for a month or longer that I'd regain some type of control with my drinking. And I didn't.

It was It was just as worse It was just as bad if not worse than what it was when I stopped. And uh that's where I had a few more instances like that after treatment. And that's where I I stumbled across Alcoholics Anonymous.

A guy who I used to party with said he's going to go to a meeting. And uh we went to check out a meeting. And then we went to I kind of felt pretty comfortable at the meetings at the clubhouse there.

And he said we're going to go to this Monday night group. And I heard about the Monday night group in Jamestown which is a Buffalo City group which is now meets on Thursday nights. But, he said a bunch of treatment there's a bunch of young guys who runs around who run around in suits and ties and are really active.

And this was about just about as distasteful to me at the same time as Sandra Bullock standing in a circle chanting. And And I thought, you know what the heck, we'll go check it out. And went and checked it out.

And everybody was just just like everyone is here now. You know, they're shaking your hand. They're talking to you.

And and uh you know, they're telling talking about alcoholism. I related with all the speakers that night. I thought that someone gave them my life story and handed up there to talk about this stuff.

And I kept coming back. And I got a suit and tie. I was type of guy I've never wore a suit and tie in my life until I got to Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I didn't plan on doing it because I'm way too cool to be running around in a suit and tie. But, uh I seen that everyone else looked good. They seemed to have something that I did not have.

So, I figured what the hell, I'll give it a try. And told me to get a sponsor. I had no idea what a sponsor was.

I didn't know what I wanted one. My only clue of what sponsorship was was in auto racing. I was just really that dense on the whole subject.

And I was like, all right, I'll get a sponsor. And um uh Jeff told me that you know, gave me the rundown of what the deal was. And that next weekend I was going on a uh I was to a snowmobile race, the World Championship Ice Oval up in Wisconsin.

And there was a roundup the the District 6 roundup in Jamestown at the same time. And And Jeff advised me not to go to the snowmobile race. And I was like, you know, whatever.

And I went to the snowmobile race. My first call time with my sponsor, I'm sitting on top of the VIP suite, the Ski-Doo box, drinking a beer, talking to my sponsor. And that that weekend I drank for 3 days straight.

I had honest intentions not to drink that weekend either. I told all my friends I was going with that I was going to these meetings now and I'm not going to drink. And um one of the guys that was going with us was actually going to be half an hour or 45 minutes late.

And so, I said, well, let's just go to the office park and wait for him to get off work. And next thing you know, I'm on a three-day run. But, that run ended up being my last run.

And the whole time when I was drinking it was just like I knew I I knew I could no longer keep it up. Alcohol was no longer producing the same effect that it did. And I was just I was miserable while drunk.

I didn't get here because of consequences. I didn't get here because I'm a nice guy. I I came to Alcoholics Anonymous because alcohol stopped working for me.

And I wanted to find some way how to live cuz the way I'm living it is I'm trying to kill myself slowly. Day in day out I'm trying to take myself out of the game. And started working the steps.

Started meeting with Jeff. Started going through the book. And I did not believe in God at this time.

I was kind of as I said, I was full flight from reality when I got here. I didn't even notice God in the steps or God in the prayers or anything really for the first couple months. And uh After As a result of working the steps, as a result of doing my fourth and fifth step, I just I had a spiritual experience that there must be a God.

So, I started believing in God. And I started to pray to that God. And life started getting good.

I got a large contract doing a automotive dealership in Jamestown, a remodeling job. And you know, things were starting to happen to me that things that shouldn't happen to guys like me. Um My relationships with my friends started getting better.

Started making money. And uh I don't know, I just started to become more and more comfortable. I just started to feel like I kind of had a a place in this world or a sense of purpose anyways.

And we went on I went on a lot of roundups in my first year. I think I went on six or seven roundups in my first year. The roundups were absolutely you know, one of the keys one of the backbones too to my early recovery is going to those roundups because I was convinced in my mind that I was bigger and better than these people that were that were in my home group.

I just figured these guys didn't really drink that much. And I don't know, you know, I I wasn't really quite convinced. But, after hearing of some of the speakers at these roundups, one of the guys from LA, I was like, if that guy can uh can lower his ego coming to Alcoholics Anonymous and do these things, there's no reason why I can't.

And uh you know, I just love hearing people's stories. I just absolutely love it. And um I said started working the steps.

And started making some of my amends to uh some of the people about me because I'm the type of guy my amends list is is huge. And I'm the type of guy who if you came into contact with me uh prior to Alcoholics Anonymous, I left you better off. Or I left you with better off.

I left you worse off. Um I was a taker in every sense of the form. And um you know, I got a lot of work to do with amends.

Financial amends is a huge one for me. I came into this program probably about $60,000 down to people I owe money to. And as a result of self-will run riot in the program in sobriety I've well better than double that in just in the last year.

So, um I'm going to need you know, I got a lot of areas to work on. Money is one of my worst deals. I always thought if I had money I'd feel better.

And I had a lot of money in sobriety. I've had more than I ever thought I'd ever have at one point in time. But, I'm no good with it.

I spend it like water. It's like hot potatoes. As soon as you get it, get rid of it.

And um Like I said, I got a long ways to go with in that department. But, you know, my relationship with my my son has been one of the keys to the reason why you know, I first kept coming back here cuz my relationship with my son keeps getting better and better. I started slowly to rebuild the relationship with my mom.

My mom who was uh person I disowned for about 8 years. I kicked her out of her own house when she left my dad. I told her that she could leave.

And she did. And I I'd see her on the streets. So, I'd be working on job sites right next to where she lived.

She'd come and and talk to me. And I'd brush her off. And the people I was working on their crew would ask who is that.

I was like, well, that was my mom. And they're like, okay. Um But, this person I haven't talked to for 8 years.

Kind of disowned. Kind of you You whatever. I flew down to Florida with my son and we visited her with her for a little bit.

I wrote her a letter at first and kind of explained that, you know, I was wrong. You know, you had every right to do what you did and I was wrong. And that's a lot of what my experience has been in Alcoholics Anonymous is that I was wrong and there's a lot of it.

But, you know, I'm slowly working on that relationship, helping to build that back together and trying to get things built back together with my dad because my dad is uh You know, we have me and him have never seen eye to eye and you know, before Alcoholics Anonymous, 2 years ago, my my old man wouldn't wouldn't have borrowed me a $20 bill and last fall, when business was going to hell, he was willing to borrow me thousands and thousands of dollars and that's a result of hanging around with you guys and being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. But, uh If you're What time do I got left? Two.

But, um this has been absolutely the best thing that's ever happened to me by far and it would have been the last thing I would ever thought of. Alcoholics Anonymous was the last house on the block. I would have never guessed I'd be a member of it.

I'd never guessed I'd been sober for 2 years and content with where I'm at. Um this thing that's happened with the business this last fall, guys like me blow my brains out over stuff like that. Guys like me don't stay sober going through the deal that I went through last fall.

I just don't. I uh I run from pain and I run, you know, I'll do whatever. I take the path of least resistance and what hanging around you guys and being a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me that you can walk through these things and things get better.

So, if you're new here tonight and you guys are in your first week of sobriety, well, I welcome you to Alcoholics Anonymous. Um You guys that you know, get a sponsor and you know, do what's asked. Always say yes to any request.

That's been one of the biggest things that's kept me in the game so far is you get asked to do something, say yes, I'll do it and show up and make that commitment because without commitments to tie me here, I'm uncommitted and if I'm uncommitted, I'll walk out the door. I'll find something else to do, you know, for the time being. But, uh >> >> You know, get active.

See if you can see who you can help instead of worrying about your own mess because worrying about your own mess really doesn't do too much good worrying about it and then try to start piecing things back together. And that's all I have tonight. I'll pass.

>> >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.

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