The First Time I Told the Truth I Didn’t Catch Fire – AA Speaker – Tony K.
AA speaker Tony K. shares his journey from suicidal ideation and five years of heavy drinking to finding sobriety through sponsorship, step work, and the power of honest admission.
Tony K. from Colorado got sober at 22 after five years of drinking that started as an escape from family pain and quickly spiraled into isolation and despair. In this AA speaker tape, he walks through his early resistance to the program, the turning point when his sponsor pushed him to tell the truth about not reading the Big Book, and how that simple act of honesty cracked open his willingness to work the steps and build a life he never thought possible.
Tony K. describes his path from a control-freak drinker with suicidal thoughts to active recovery through AA sponsorship and step work. His central breakthrough came when his sponsor asked if he’d read the first 164 pages and Tony chose honesty over his lifelong habit of lying—a moment that shifted everything. The talk covers hitting bottom, early sobriety struggles, the Fifth Step in a mountain cabin, and how service work and fellowship eventually gave him the tools to build a family and live with purpose.
Episode Summary
Tony K. was wound tight as a kid—controlling, afraid, and unwilling to ask for help. When his parents announced their divorce at age 17, he couldn’t talk to anyone about it. Instead, he ran into the woods and screamed at God, then found a new higher power: alcohol. That first drink felt like magic. For five years, from age 17 to 22, Tony drank hard, chasing the relief alcohol gave him from the constant noise in his head. He had standards at first—his older brother went down the path of drugs and crime, and Tony swore he’d stick to beer. But standards don’t matter when you’re trying to medicate fear.
His brother got sober first, moving to Hawaii and transforming into a man with confidence, social skills, and genuine peace. When his brother called to invite him to meetings, Tony wasn’t interested. He told his brother he was weak for going to rehab. Tony was sure he could handle it alone.
He couldn’t.
When Tony finally agreed to go to a Tuesday night meeting outside Glenwood Springs, he showed up looking mean and tough, hat pulled low, trying to disappear. Inside, someone asked if there was anyone at their first meeting. His hand shot up against his will. He said his name and that he had a problem, and the room laughed. He wanted to slash tires. But after the meeting, an older member sat with him in a parking lot while Tony cried for 15 minutes, and that simple act of listening—one alcoholic caring about another—gave Tony hope he’d never felt before.
He drank one more time at Christmas, then made the decision to stop. What follows is a masterclass in how sponsorship works.
Tony got a sponsor, Dave, who was no-nonsense. Dave told him to read the first 164 pages of the Big Book and meet every Monday. Tony read 26 pages and decided that was close enough. The next Monday, when Dave asked if he’d read it, Tony faced a choice: lie like he always had, or tell the truth. He told the truth. “I didn’t read it,” he said. And nothing bad happened. No judgment. His sponsor just said thanks for being honest and asked him to read it again.
That moment—when Tony realized he wouldn’t catch fire for telling the truth—was the hinge his whole recovery turned on.
From there, Tony and Dave worked the steps page by page out of the Big Book. Tony wrote his inventory with genuine surrender. He did his Fifth Step in a cabin in the mountains with no electricity or running water, reading his secrets to another human being for the first time in his life. He felt like he was walking hand-in-hand with the Creator.
His sponsor also redirected him when he wanted to take a vacation to California to see his drinking friends. Instead, Tony drove a 1964 VW bug across the country to a conference in Washington DC with a broken-down engine, showing up willing to do the next right thing even when he didn’t know how it would work out. At that conference, he found a whole crew of people from Hawaii (including his brother’s sponsor) who took him under their wing and showed him how to have fun and stay sober at the same time.
That experience fired him up so much that he went back to Colorado and started a young people’s meeting. He carried the message.
Today, Tony is married to a woman he met in the program, has kids, owns a house, and can show up for relationships and responsibilities. He still remembers what it was like when he couldn’t make eye contact or talk to people. The beauty of it, he says, is that God gives you just enough—enough willingness, enough courage, enough grace to take the next step.
His closing message is direct: stay in the moment, do the next right thing, and freely pass on what you’ve been given.
Notable Quotes
The first time I told the truth I didn’t catch fire. It was nuts because I never wanted to tell the truth.
For me, there’s no way I could have ever had this if I’d been drinking. And I sit here and I look at all these people that put this conference on and I think about the manpower and all the people that had to show up and be responsible.
He’s like a walking Big Book. I hated his guts forever, and here he was, a man brimming over with confidence.
When that pencil hit the paper, I truly was turning my will and my life over to something that I honestly didn’t believe in. But it wasn’t coming from me. There was a power greater than myself taking care of me.
I got to that conference and I asked God—at that point I still couldn’t say the word God, I said ‘Bro’—and I looked up and said, ‘Bro, help me do what it is you think you want me to do.’
Step 5 – Admission
Sponsorship
Hitting Bottom
Early Sobriety
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
- Step 5 – Admission
- Sponsorship
- Hitting Bottom
- Early Sobriety
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
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Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. If you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-rise.com.
Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Uh, and at this time I would like to introduce our main speaker for this morning, a great man and a great friend, Tony K from Auburn.
>> My name's Tony. I'm an alcoholic. >> We love you, Tony.
and >> thank you. Yeah, I uh it's weird. I've never never been a great public speaker or I never had the desire to want to be a public speaker.
And uh like my biggest fear always was like I going to come up here and just like seize up, you know, I'm not going to be able to say anything. And uh you know, I'm honored. I'm honored that uh the host committee asked me to come up here and share my experience, strength, and hope.
Um, I it this whole weekend I got here on Thursday night and I've been I've been walking around and uh this has been an awesome an awesome round up for me. It's it's like uh I can't stop smiling and the muscles in my face hurt from smiling so damn much. You know what I mean?
And it and and it's been just one of those experiences for me that uh there's no way I could have ever had this if I'd been drinking. And uh and I sit here and I look at all these people that put this conference on and I think about all the all the manpower and all the all the people that had to show up and be responsible. And then I think about what I was like when I drank and I think about it's amazing that there's a least possible organization and you see a group of young people sober and alcoholics anonymous and they put on this event that holds you know close to 2,000 people and it's like organized.
There's not big street fights. There's not gun battles. I mean it's amazing and uh they're carrying this message of Alcoholics Anonymous and uh it just it blows me away when I think about it, you know.
Um, it's huge and I see there's there's obviously something greater at work there because that was absolutely nothing that I desired when I walked in here. Um, my first experience with uh with Acupawa, I love Acupawa's great. It was my first conference too as as well as a lot of people's and uh the I first heard Acupawa I got sober in Colorado and um hanging out with a couple friends and there was one guy that was from LA and uh I just like to clump it together.
He was probably from somewhere else, but LA, it's down there. And uh is that where we're going? No.
Um so he he was talking to my brother who was also sober. He had about a year and a half sober. And I remember they were talking like, "Yeah, we're going to go to Acupawa this year, man.
It's in Southern California." And I'm like, "Wow, that's a long ways away." They're like, "You're I had 90 I had 90 days sober." And they're like, "You're guaranteed to stay 5 years sober if you go to Acupawa, though." And I was like, "Oh, really?" you know, cuz just like anything, like as soon as I got to Alcoholics Anonymous or whatever and I saw that there was these people doing this deal, I wanted to instantly be the best at it because, you know, if I couldn't be the best at doing what I was doing, uh, I didn't want to do it. Um, so, you know, it's funny. So, what we did, we uh we load we loaded up in in my car cuz uh my brother didn't have a car and neither did the other guy and they were all sober.
What was up with that? Um, I was so I was the guy, just to kind of give you an idea of what I was like uh before I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I was the guy that was wound so tight, so anally retentive about everything that I had to know the answer to everything before I got there. I just wouldn't do it.
It was just too much for me. Uh, and so we load up in my car and it's a badass car. I mean, it's a 61 Volkswagen bug.
I mean, rust blown out. you know, we had to put we probably bought more oil than we bought gas on the way down to LA and uh you know, and I'm driving and we're we're like we're driving through Nevada and there's a lot of great scenery there and we're driving and it's getting later and later and later and we left right after work and you know, we did the dieh hard drive from 5:00 after work and we drove straight through. We're going to make it and and I was so anal and everybody's like, "Hey, dude.
I'll drive, man. No big deal. I'll I'll spell you, man.
You can take a nap." I'm like, "No, I'm going to make it. I'm driving." you know, in my car, $300 car, and I was sweating other people driving it. Uh, and and that was that's like that's me.
That was how I was when I drank and used. Um, you know, I was a control freak about things. Uh, I uh I was really really uncomfortable in my own skin.
Um, I hated who I was. Uh, and for me, I held out for a long time. Um, before taking the first drink, you know, cuz I looked around and I saw my family.
uh a lot of things that I didn't like. I saw what alcohol did to my father, you know, and I'm like, I don't want to do that, you know? I don't want that in my life.
And I saw in about 8th grade, I have an older brother. He's like 15 months older than me. And I saw him, you know, in 8th grade just like uh just toilet his life, you know, it was the early '9s and and leather jacket or, you know, the the the Levi jacket with the patches and stuff on it with the Metallica patch and, you know, the marker, you know.
And I grew up in a town of of like 2,000 people and there was three people you didn't want to hang out in my hang out with and my brother was one of them. And uh and I just hated it. I absolutely hated it.
Everybody used to come to me in high school and like, "Oh, your brother beat up so and so, man. He's an asshole." I'm like, "Whatever." So, uh I hated my brother and I hated I I didn't like it. And uh and I had that straightedge mentality about I'm never going to drink, man.
Never going to drink. And uh what ended up happening is that life piled up on me um you know, at about the ripe old age of 17. Uh and I couldn't deal with life on life's terms.
And and for me, I dealt with life on life's terms real good. You know, up until that point, I'm just trying to manage as good as I could. And uh you know, these circumstances happened and and I think this is what different differentiates me from normal drinkers and and normal people.
I think that other people are willing to accept help and willing to reach out and try and figure out the problem and this and that. And uh this problem happened to me and no way, dude. There's no way I'm talking to anybody.
I am not going to talk to any about anybody about this problem. there's no way um I couldn't do it. And uh this was this was my first real introduction to a power greater than myself.
And I truly believe there's a spot in the book somewhere that talks about we all have this fundamental idea of a power greater than oursel. And when I got here, I didn't think I had that. I'm like, "No way, dude.
I'm not talking about God." And uh the deal was for me is that I did have that. I remember uh specifically after I found out my parents were getting a divorce. And I mean, you know, we had a they had a great marriage, man.
Yeah. And uh I found out that that they were going to get a divorce and that was that was the thing that sent me over the edge and and I remember I hadn't taken a drink yet and I was and we lived right on the edge of town and there's a lot of trees and I just remember running up into the trees and uh you know you God, you know, and I was just I was absolutely pissed off and I I couldn't believe that um this this power was going to do this to me. Um and that was my that was me cutting it off and I was like I'm done.
And uh and for me, not long after that, uh I found my new power and it was alcohol. You know, it provided something that I couldn't even imagine. And for me, when I took that first drink, I I don't I for me, I'm not going to forget that first drink, man.
It was magic. It was absolute magic. I had a broken arm.
Um you know, I lost out on doing this sport that I like to do. And I had no other way to to vent out all this anger and all this rage inside of me. So, we went over to my buddy's house and he had a bottle of vodka and we made some screwdrivers.
It's a great drink. And, you know, we just kept drinking them and and for me, like what happened was just like probably everybody in here, you know, that warm feeling came down my throat. It hit my stomach and, you know, my cheeks got rosy and I just like settled in, man.
It was like I dropped I dropped that huge pack of weight and it and it and I was stoked. Like here I was uh I was walking hand in hand with alcohol and it was great and it for me you know I was uh let's see I was like uh I I was 119 lbs as a senior in high school and you know after I drank man I was tough I look tough I could back it up now you know not just run at the mouth like I'll start swinging now because this gave me the strength um I could talk to chicks I mean that's important when you're 17 years old you know this provided like a a social lubricant for me uh I could actually say something and not seize up. Uh so yeah, that night went on and you know I I got to that great spot that alcohol gives you, you know, that that it provides that effect that I love and I'm right there and I'm like I want to be like this forever.
And then I went past that and then I woke up the next day and my awesome broken arm, you know, it was the elbow cast and everything. I woke up, leaned up against the wall and I had puke running down in through the cast and and just Yeah. Oh yeah.
Yeah. You're telling me, dude. I had to live with that for like three more weeks.
And uh so so here I'm laying in my buddy's basement and uh he he's laying on his bed or whatever and I'm sitting there and I'm and I the first thought that comes to mind I'm never going to do that. That was absolutely I I feel like absolute There's no way I'm going to do that again. And and I really and I h and for me I had these conscious thoughts a lot of times.
Um I could see my brother and I could see my dad and I and I I don't want to be like I don't want to do that, you know? And I and I really thought that I was going to outsmart this stuff because I had all this knowledge of what alcohol could do to a person. I had firsthand experience.
I saw them go down. I saw the effects of alcohol in my family. I saw a good kid go bam.
And I didn't want that. So for me, as I was doing my drinking from the very beginning, um it was full throttle because I had to cut that those thoughts off. But I checked myself a lot.
I checked myself a lot. There'd be days where I like it'd be Thursday and I'm like, "All right, I'm not going to drink today. I'm not going to drink this week." It would start Monday.
I'd be like, "Okay, I'm not going to drink this week at all," you know, and then I would just hole up in my house and uh Friday would come along and I'm like, "Sweet, I'm all right. I'm all right." And I'd go over to my buddy's house and just get wasted, you know. And it was I never really had those uh and I never wanted to just socially drink.
It was about Come on, funny feeling, you know? I wanted to get wasted. Um I didn't want to I didn't want to just have a few drinks.
I've never had the desire to. Um so, you know, like there it was and that's exactly how it started for me. And uh and it provided that that relief that I needed.
Uh because man, when I wake up in the morning, it's like a circus up there. And and the hamster starts running on the wheel and my brain just starts going, I got to go do that. Oh, I got to get this done and then and I mean so many thoughts running through my mind and I think that I'm absolutely going to be able to manage all those thoughts, right?
I'm going to think about it enough and I'm going to figure out how to manage that stuff and and it just didn't. And uh and and when I take those drinks, man, it was awesome. And and I and just like the book says, uh just like probably everybody's experience in here, man, it backfired on me.
Um you know, and it didn't take very long. I was 17 when I started and I was 22 when I ended. And it started with alcohol and it ended with alcohol.
Uh you know, cuz I had standards, you know, cuz cuz I saw my brother doing all the other junk, you know, and everybody was bagging on him. But alcohol was socially acceptable. You know, you could drink.
Your friends are drinking. And that's what I did. Uh so yeah, I drank and and uh slowly destroyed my life.
Um and you know, when I look back on it, you know, my brother would ask me this, well, he got sober, but he would ask me this when I first got sober and he's like, "Well, you know, do you think your life was getting better and when I looked at my life uh from 17 to 22, it wasn't like gradually getting better?" I had these rad time. Don't get me wrong, because you know what? I had a I had some great times doing keg stands out in the woods by a fire.
I'm telling you, man, those were great. you know, and for about 15 minutes. Um, but you know, it just in the end, like for me, they just weren't there anymore.
Uh, I had one year illegal drinking and, you know, I really wanted to, and at this point, I was destroyed so bad as a human being. I'd go to these clubs, right? And A, I couldn't dance.
B, I had absolutely no social skills. C, I moved all the way from Colorado to Sacramento, California, and had I knew no one. And I would just go there and just kind of hang out and just wait for people to talk to me, you know, and it never happened.
I was bummed. So, I stopped going to bars and uh and I just drank with my friends and and uh you know, life got miserable. And for me, uh I was I'd like to classify myself as a person that didn't lose everything.
You know, I made it to work. I made sure I made it to work because damn it, if I make it to work, then I'm all right. you know, all these things on the outside that looked that looked good to people or I thought looked good to people would prove to me that I didn't have a problem.
Um, I'm different and uh and I use those to my advantage. And when I got to the point where I got to when I was 17, I forgot to tell you when I was 17, just before I took a drink after I was running up in the woods, I was sitting in in my bedroom and uh I had a Winchester 3030 liver action in my mouth and I was ready to end it all, you know, and uh thank God for alcohol cuz it saved my life. Absolutely, man.
I was wound and uh and it saved my life. it provided that effect. So, I don't know what it's supposed to look like, but that's what happened for me.
So, here I am drinking and I get to that same point, you know, where life just come, it's just miserable, man. I can't do it anymore. And um you know, at this point, my brother has a year sober.
He's in Hawaii. And I remember him calling me on the phone. And after I started drinking at 17, my brother and I became best friends.
He's like 15 months older than me, right? So, when I, you know, when we drank, it was like a mirror. And if I'm sure there's a few people in here that have met my brother and uh we're standing next to each other, we're talking like, "Oh my god, you guys are the same." And uh and uh you know, when he said he was going to quit drinking, that hurt.
You know, he called me up on the phone and and he said, "I'm going to rehab tomorrow." I'm like, "What? You're going to go to rehab? Why?" He's like, "Man, I just can't do it anymore, man.
I'm torn up. I can't do it." And I'll tell you what, I threw the pitch on. I'm like, "Dude, you are weak.
You are weak. you need there is nothing you can't solve without you know you you're a man you know you will figure out how to do this and that's how it is and I truly believed that that's how it was going to happen you know you rehab rehab's for quitters you know all the slogans I threw him out there and then I told him I'm like yeah uh all right I'm going to call dad cuz my dad's on my side right so I called my dad you know and my dad probably gave him the same barrage of stuff but he stayed sober man his ass was falling off bad enough and he was willing to do what it took and he stayed sober in Hawaii and uh he asked if he could move in with me, right? And I'm and I I California was great.
I moved out here when I was 19 and it was awesome. And it I'll tell you what California did for me. It accelerated me to the bottom of life really quickly.
It was great. Thank you, California. So, I crawled back to Colorado and, you know, got a place to live by myself and got a job and told everybody at work that I didn't drink.
And I went home and drank and hid it from everybody. And my brother, he calls me up. Um, and he would call me up frequently.
And of course, when he called, I would say, "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not drinking anymore. You know, I mean, just drinking on the weekends, man.
Everything's great. You know, life is good. Got a job, you know.
Oh, yeah." And I was really convinced him that it was great, you know, cuz I knew he knew. Um, and he's like, "Dude, I didn't call for that, man. I just call see how you're doing." And I hated it.
I absolutely hated it. I knew he was going to a I wanted him to start bashing me with it, you know, so I could tell him to stick in his ass. and he never did.
And and and that was attractive for me. So he ends up moving in with me and and uh he uh he would go to meetings every night uh or at least I thought every night. And he was the best example of of a walking big book that I could have ever asked for.
And this is my brother. I hated his guts forever. And uh you know, so we went to pick him up from the airport right when he was going to move in with me.
And me and my mom went down there and uh you know he had over years over and we went out to dinner and I tell you when I first saw him there was a different man. I saw what Alcoholics Anonymous had done to this human being. And this is a guy that couldn't go into 7-Eleven and look the clerk in the eye, you know, just to buy a like pack of smokes.
It was bad. He had to have somebody go with him. That kind of guy.
And here he was, man. Just like it talks about in the in the book, a man brimming over with confidence. You know, he took a shower.
Um he he was cleancut. you know, he opened the door for my mom. He offered to pay for lunch.
I mean, I was stunned. I couldn't believe it. This is my brother.
And uh for me, I absolutely at that point, I absolutely wanted what he had. And uh and I wondered how he got it. And I knew he didn't drink.
And I knew he was going to meetings. But you know what? There's no way I was going to Alcoholics Anonymous cuz man, I'm not that bad.
So, he moved in and and we hung out and he was going to meetings. And finally, you know, every night he would ask me one time, he would say, "Hey, going to meeting night. You want to go?" And I'd be, "No, no, no." And then it was, "Yeah, I'll go tomorrow.
Go tomorrow." And then tomorrow would come. No. I had too much stuff to do, like smoke cigarettes and drink beer.
And uh so he he asked me one more time and and I was afraid. I'm a guy driven by fear, self-centered fear. And I was afraid that he wasn't going to ask me again.
So I'm like, I got to just go. I got to go. I'll just go one time and all right, I'll go tonight.
Let's go. And it was a 45 minutes drive to this meeting. And the whole time it was a gut-wrenching ride.
I'm like, "My life is over. This is going to suck. I can't believe I'm doing this.
What am I going to do? What are they going to make me do?" And it was it was constant running of the mouth for 45 minutes. And I are they going to make me stand up?
Do I have to sit down? Do I have to do you know, I'd never been to church before. It's funny like I had never gone to church before, but I knew about what they did in churches just to bag on it.
You know, that was my mind frame. And the people that go to churches and stuff absolutely, you know, they have a lot of uh a lot of things that I admire. Uh but you know at that point you know I was scared of any kind of direction other than what was going to come from my brain.
And so I was just beating him to death of all these words. And finally, you know, knowing my brother said, "Dude, just shut up. Just shut up.
When you go in there, you just sit down. You don't have to say anything. They're not going to make you do anything.
Just shut up." And I'm Are you sure? Are you sure? You know, cuz I had to know, you know, cuz I, you know, I knew everything.
And we got there and and it was a lot like what I had imagined in my mind. Um, you know, there's no where I got sober, there was no uh Wednesday night young people's or anything like that. It was a Tuesday night basalt group outside of Glenwood Springs.
And we got there and I I think we got there right on time. And as we were walking in, uh, I had my hat on, you know, because it could cover up most of my face. And I made sure that I had a tight shirt on with tattoos showing and baggy pants pulled down really far.
And I tried to look really mean and tough uh, so no one would talk to me. And man, I was it was excruciating. It was a circle and everybody was looking at everybody.
And I walked in and I had to walk through everybody and I was just shuffling across the room and I sat down and I just stared at the floor cuz that was all I could do. I couldn't I mean I was such a beat down human being that I couldn't look people in the eye and and it felt to me like it was like a chamber of commerce meeting, you know, cuz these people are all happy and talking and I hated it. And uh man, so we're sitting there and I and my brain's just racing.
Oh, what do I look like? My pants pulled down too tight. Can you see?
You know, do I have a sit on my face? Is my hat down far enough? You know, just all these thoughts going through my head and and they get to the point where they're like, "Is there anybody here for their first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous?" Uh, you know, blah blah blah.
And and there's this feeling, you know, when you're standing on a dam or something really high and you get over the edge, you're like, "Oh," you know, it's like your body's going to throw yourself over the side. That was the feeling I felt. I'm like, "Oh my god, my arm's going to automatically come up or something, dude." My head's telling my heart.
He's like, "Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it.
Don't do it." And uh, you know, my arm like creeps up and then I said, "My name's Tony." And I think I got a problem. And everybody just busted up laughing. And I I was pissed big time.
I could I don't remember anything after that. Uh, I was just sitting there, oh, these people, I'm going to go out and slash tires, you know? I mean, that's the the kind of thing that I think about.
And at the end of the meeting, I'm standing there and here was another moment for me. I saw I saw what Alcoholics Anonymous had done to another person and I see my brother like walking up to these people, the old old people, right? You know, older people cuz I couldn't imagine talking to an old person and he's like, "Hey, you know, how's it going?
This is my brother." And he's introducing me and I'm just stunned at the social skills that he has, you know what I mean? Because I had absolutely none. Social was me.
I couldn't talk to people. And he's, you know, introducing himself and I was like, "Man, that is awesome. I can't believe that." So, I'm standing like right behind him and and he's like getting sick of me.
And he's like, "Dude, just go talk to somebody, man." I'm like, "All right." And I went outside and I caught this poor guy before I got to his truck. And uh I'm like, "Hey, hey, can I talk to you?" And this guy sat there and he's like, "Yeah, sure. What's going on?" And I said probably like four or five words.
I'm like, "Hey, my life." And I just I just started balling, man. And for 15 minutes probably, I was just puking at the mouth, right? And here's the awesome part about Alcoholics Anonymous.
I don't know if this guy cared anything about me, but you know what? He sat there and he listened to me. He nodded his head like he gave a And you know what?
In the years prior to that, no one in my life did that. It was like, "Shut up and drink a beer or get out of here, dude." You know, it was uh it was nothing like people cared. And you know, just that simple gesture of that guy acting like he cared.
Um it moved me, man. And I felt hope like I had never felt before. Um, and just just a guy taking time out of his day.
That's it. One alcoholic talking to another. That's all it was.
And there was the magic for me as a person. And uh, what a deal, dude. What a deal.
And uh, you know, I ended up I ended up drinking one more time after that meeting. I had some reservations. There was a Christmas party I really needed to attend, and I couldn't imagine not being wasted.
And uh, and after that, I I don't know. I was like Mosha. Um, I made the decision uh a couple days after Christmas that uh, hey, I think I'm going to quit drinking.
I didn't really decide. That was just how it happened. Um, and and and I have the it's funny.
My my story parallels his. I had two options. My brother uh was going to this AA dance in Aspen Aspen, Colorado, or I could go hang out with these people in Carbondale and uh, and drink.
And I was so broken off and such a beat down human being. I reached that point that they talk about that I can't I couldn't go to the AA and I couldn't go to the drinking and I was just beat and and what ended up happening is is I made the other choice. I went to the party and and here's the beautiful part too.
Like there's no right or wrong way in my eyes to do Alcoholics Anonymous. I went to that party and I didn't drink. I smoked four packs of Camel Non-filtered cigarettes, though.
And I saw and for me what it was that I saw when I went to that party was it it was absolute misery for me. And I saw that I just couldn't do it anymore. You know, everybody had their little social circles and they were talking about me and you know they would laugh and I'd be like, you know, and and that's what and that's what happened.
And and I remember that night I wrote a a piece of paper cuz I saw my brother writing a lot and I figured I would do what he was doing because I had you know what I was doing obviously wasn't working. And I wrote down a page about why can't I do this? like how come I can't master this?
And I and what ended up happening is I found somebody that I could relate to other than my brother because they couldn't like continue going with my brother. It's my brother and then you know he would be right and that couldn't have that you know so I hooked up with this other guy and for me what happened is that I became willing to go to meetings and and for me like I and and for me like I and and for me like I I got dry nice and dry and sober and I skateboarded, smoked cigarettes and drank coffee. I think I lost like 15 or 20 pounds when I first got sober and that's all I did.
And you know what? Like the fellowship of alcoholics, these old people took me to Denny's, man. And I never laughed so hard in my life sober.
You know what I mean? Old people, they were busting it out. I'm like, "No way, dude.
I've never had this much fun." And uh, you know, and you could smoke in Colorado in the in the in the restaurant, so it was great. You know, you could just smoke until you couldn't talk. And uh so anyway, we um I ended up latching on to this guy and here again, and I like to sit in Alcoholics Anonymous today and you know, my mind likes to want to judge people and I want to judge how you're doing your deal.
And uh it's not up to me to decide how you're going to find a power greater than yourself. Uh and for me at 90day sober, I reached that point one more time where I wanted to blow my brains out, dude. Bone assber, dry, miserable, with no solution.
And um I'm a man with no solution. And and uh so what did I do? I got in a relationship.
Come on. You know, and uh you know what? That kept me going to meetings.
Um you know, cuz I thought, "Oh, wow." You know, um what did I have to bring to a relationship? Absolutely nothing. You know, I couldn't even talk.
So this there was a kind of a relationship there. And this this girl said, "Hey, do you have a sponsor?" And I said, "No." And she pointed this guy, Dave. And I knew Dave.
Dave, you know, he talked a great talk and she said, "You should ask Dave. He's a cool guy." And I'm like, "Okay." I went over there and asked Dave and uh you know what? She got drunk and I stayed sober.
Uh she had like two years sober, you know, like she was locked in. I thought, you know, she was one of those people that was going to like stay sober and for me, you know, I don't know how God's going to work in people's lives. But you know what?
Um like I got introduced to a sponsor that he dude, he worked the steps and did the deal and he called my he called my bluff, you know, he he gave me some direction right there. He's like, "All right, we're going to meet every Monday night. Can you do that?" And I'm like, "Yeah, are you willing to go to any links?" And I'm like, "Yeah." And he's all right.
I want you to read the first 164 pages. And by this time, I had already read the first 164 pages. So, in my mind, I'm like, "I really don't have to do this because I've already done it." And I told him that.
I'm like, "Well, I already read it." He's all, "Well, I'll do it anyway. I want you to read it again." I'm like, "Okay." So, I went home and I read like 26 pages. And next Monday came, he asked me that question.
He's like, "All right, did you read it?" And I had a turning point. Uh, it was a huge turning point for me. I had the choice to lie like I always did.
You know, I never read a book in high school. I just made it up and or or I could tell the truth and there was something that happened. There was some magic that happened for me.
I told the truth. I said, "You know what, dude? I didn't read it." And uh I didn't catch on fire when I told the truth.
It was nuts because, you know, I never wanted to tell the truth. There was like some scary side on the other side. If I told the truth, uh like you'd run and hide.
And and he didn't run and hide. He's like, "Well, you know what? Thanks for telling the truth.
I want you to uh I want you to read that our first 164 pages and we'll meet next Monday. And uh you know what I did and we started working the steps and I became willing and for me I took we we we breezed through the first three steps. We read it page for page out of the book and this man like took I couldn't you know thinking back I'm like man that guy just took time out of his day to sit with me and read page for page.
I couldn't even when I got here I couldn't even imagine offering up that much attention to another human being. I'm such a selfish bastard, you know. And here he's doing that for me.
What? So I became willing to write that inventory and there was another huge turning point for me. Um, you know, I made the decisions, right?
I I made small decisions on the first three steps when I first got to AA. Admitted some defeat, but you know what? When that pencil hit the paper, I truly was turning my will in my life over to something that I honestly didn't believe in.
But you know what? It wasn't coming from me. So there was a power greater than myself that was taking care of me because it wasn't coming from my mind.
And it was everything or nothing. So was everything when I touched that pencil of the paper and I wrote that inventory and I'll tell you what, I look back on that inventory and I'm like, "Oh my god, dude. How did I piss over?" And uh you know, but that's it.
Like uh and he broke down this analogy to me. I work on cars, right? And he's like, "So the first time you did a break job, how'd it go?" And I'm like, "Well, I screwed it up pretty bad." And he's like, "Did you finish the job?" And I'm like, "Yeah." And he's like, "What it look like?" And I said, "It was pretty ugly." And he said, "How did the car drive?" "Just fine." And I'm like, "Oh, okay.
I got it." He's like, "Well, it's the same thing, man. You're not going to be an expert four-step inventory guy on your first one. You're going to do it how it's laid out in the book, and you're going to do it to the best of your ability.
And you know what? That's what I need to do. I needed to do it to the best of my ability.
I needed to dump off all that garbage that I said I was never going to say to any other human being. And it set me free, man. I'll tell you.
And I got to read my inventory. And for me, I hear a lot of people, and some people don't get the magic of the inventory. I I got it a couple times since I've been sober.
And we went up and this guy, my sponsor, lived up in the conundrum up by uh it's this valley up by Aspen. No electricity, no running water. I mean, it was wicked, dude.
So, I'm reading this inventory in this cabin in the mountains. And I'm driving down from that, man. And I absolutely did feel handinhand with the creator, man.
I had dumped off this stuff that I swore I'd never tell anybody else. And I was freed from it. And uh, you know, I I had more hope and I couldn't believe what was being given to me, you know, and I was stoked on it.
And, you know, I continued to work the steps and and continued to do them all. And you know, after I went to Occupy, I I got my first paid vacation sober, right? I had I had 5 days paid and I'm like, "Yeah, where are we going?" And uh I told my sponsor that I was going to go back out to California.
I said, "Hey, I'm going to go to California. I'm going to hang out with uh some of my old friends, my drinking friends." Thinking, "Are you sure that's a good idea?" Well, I don't know. I got a paid vacation.
I just want to travel. And he's all, well, you know, there's this conference I heard about. It's going to be in Washington DC.
Um, it's IPA. And I'm like, what? Yeah.
And he's like, you should go. And I'm like, okay. And and I was leaving to go to California the next day.
You know, I told him, of course, I told him right at the last minute because I didn't want him to try and con me out of it. I do that with my wife a lot, too. Oh, yeah.
I'm going tonight. Um, it's a bad habit. So, you know, here again, I I traded that white bug that I went to Occupy in for a better bug, a 64.
And uh and I loaded up my car with no radio. And at this point um this this it was a mindaltering deal. I was supposed to meet my brother in Washington DC.
He was supposed to fly over there from Hawaii. And I'm driving by myself. You know where Colorado is, right?
And you know where the East Coast in a bug was stupid. And of course at about Kansas City, it started breaking down. The heads were coming off.
And I'm like, it's raining out there. And it was this for me it was an amazing experience. Like I was right in the middle of seuh six and seven and I saw not what it was like to not have any defects of character.
God showed me that that weekend. It was nothing that I did. It was just an experience that I had staying sober and and I got to live a life for 4 days with no defects of character for some unknown reason.
Um you know like I was so anal about my car you know before like I couldn't leave it and if it started breaking down I would just start getting anxiety attacks. How am I going to get it home? You know and I would never go anywhere for that matter knowing all that kind of stuff.
And you know, it started breaking down. I got the tools out, man. I lay it under the car and I started, you know, tightening the heads back down and I took the studs out and mangled them up so they'd stay in there.
You probably don't understand that, but I'm like I I got it running and and I drove to St. Louis and I made it in there, you know, and I had money cuz I, you know, I wasn't spending it all on booze. I had a paid vacation.
And uh I called my mom and I said, "Mom, my car is like taking a dump. What do you think I could do?" She said, "Well, why don't you just get a plane ticket?" And I'm like, "That's novel." And so, you know, my mom hooked it up for me. I stayed the night in that hotel and I got my bug put back together enough to know that I could make it back to Colorado.
I left it at the airport. I got a plane ticket and I flew. And here's the the it was just it's it was magic for me.
I got to the airport, right? And it got there early in the morning cuz I had to check out and my flight wasn't until like 6:00 on Friday night. Uh and the and I got checked in.
I'm like, "Well, I'll just check in." And the lady's like, "Well, do you want to fly right now? I mean, we've got a flight open right now. You know, if you run down, if you make it down there, you can go." And I'm like, "Okay." And you know, I don't like anything changing at the last minute.
I got to know how it's going to go down. So, like, this was a big step for me. I'm like, "Oh, okay.
I'll try that." And I started walking, man. I started walking and it got down to the the the checkout deal and everybody was on the plane. I just handed the ticket and walked right on.
I mean, it was magic. Have you ever done that at the airport? I've never done that at the airport.
um flew there and I and I had no car and I got to the airport and I've never been to Washington DC before and you know I pond's pretty big there and what happens is that there was people from the conference there and I didn't know that and I got a shuttle and I rode with all these people and here's what happened for me. I got to that conference and I was still like not Mr. Social Guy and I and I walked in and it was just like that.
I mean it was Friday night, right? It's deep. There's tons of people running around and and I walked through the doors and I was just like, whoa.
And I walked around and I found like the farthest couch I could find and I went over and I sat down on that couch and I got scared. I'm like, I can't do this. I can't do it.
And u So I get my brother calls me. He's like, hey, I'm not going to be able to make it, man. I can't get over there.
And I was pissed. I'm like, well, what am I going to do? I can't do this.
And unbeknownst to me, uh he his sponsor was going to be there, right? So his sponsor's going around telling everybody at the conference, you know, because he doesn't know what I look like. He's like, "Okay, I'm going to I'm going to be looking for this guy.
His name's Tony Clink. Who am I looking for?" And Tony Clink, right? And uh I'm not there yet.
I'm coming in. And uh yeah, it was hard. So I'm standing there, right?
And I just I made this decision. I'm ask God. And I ask God.
And at that point still, I couldn't say the word God. I said, "Bro." And I looked up at this guy and I said, "Bro, help me do what it is you think you want me to do." And and just help me have the courage to do it. And I walked over to the registration table and I fill out my badge.
You know, I didn't know how to do it. And it still looks the same. I spell it all crappy.
And uh and I'm walking around, right? I've got my backpack and my skateboard and I'm just like, I don't know what to do. You just walk around and people stop me.
These people in front of me like, "Oh, you're from Colorado." Blah blah blah. And these two people in front were from Colorado. And there's this girl in the back that's going like this.
Like I stole something from her from in the past. You know that look. She's like and and I uh and I'm like, "What's going on?" And she she like breaks through the people and she said, "Are you Tony Clink?" And I know damn good and well that my last name is not on that badge.
And I freaked out. I just woof what? And uh so she grabs my arm, right?
And she takes me into the HOSPITALITY ROOM. I FOUND TONY QUAKE. AND I'M LIKE, "OH MY GOD." And and here here's this is my perspective of it all.
Right? My perspective is that it's like it was like the main meeting last night. There was probably like 10 people in there and they probably hardly yelled.
But for me it was huge. I was just stunned. I'm like, "Oh my god." And you know what?
These people from Hawaii, I just hooked up with them, right? And these people from Hawaii took me around this this conference and showed me how to stay sober and have fun and taught me how to like bring newcomers. They showed me to how to have this experience that is it's awesome.
I mean, you all you're sitting in it, man. This is an amazing amount of energy. And they showed me how to enjoy it because I tell you what, my first acupaw sucked.
I hated it. I couldn't even talk to people, man. At 90 days sober and dry, I was walking around miserable, man.
Um, so what ended up happening is, uh, I had an awesome time and, you know, I went back and I took that fire and that flame back to Colorado, you know, and I wanted to start my own damn meeting and we ended up starting a young people's meeting in Glenwood Springs, Colorado, you know, and I just kept going from there. Um, and I just, you know, it just trips me out to see um, like how it works, you know, cuz here, you know, I'm standing behind this podium, right? And I remember when I went to my first ACUPAW, I couldn't, if you were going to tell me that like 10 or so year years later, I'd be standing up there flapping my gums in front of, you know, a couple people, I would have left Alcoholics Anonymous right there and never came back for sure.
Um, and and that's the beauty of it, man. Like God just gives us enough, you know, and and I and the thing for me that I got to remember today, you know, like it's amazing. I got to Alcoholics Anonymous.
Single guy living on this benchtop at a ski resort. And you know, it's just stuff. But I have a house today.
You know what is amazing? Like I can show up for a relationship with a woman that I love. I met her in Alcoholics Anonymous, you know.
Um and and it's been awesome. I got a couple kids. What?
I can be a parent. What? And um it just blew it just blows me away, you know.
And one day at a time I've show I've marched through this huge fear like that ball he was talking about that's for me it's like that big fear thing and it's like okay can I do this? Can I do this? I can do it.
I can do it. And I just do it. and I just take one more step even when I don't think I can do it because you know I don't know what's on the other side but I know what I had and I don't want that you know and I become willing to do absolutely anything that it takes to stay sober and you know like I'm just a Joe average dude living a life and I'm grateful for it and u you know if you didn't have that much fun at ACUPPAW man keep coming back here cuz it kicks ass um you know and for me something that's happened like I get really stoked to get a bunch of people fired up to go to a conference because I know what it did for me and I want to freely pass that on to somebody else and whether they get it or not, there's nothing I can do about it, right?
But man, it is awesome to see there's a couple people out here, you know, took a couple guys up to Wacky Paw in Montana and we drove straight through. The car blew up. We got stuck in the desert.
I mean, but it was fun, man. It was a kick in the ass and we stayed sober. And I see these people taking that message and that kick-ass time about Alcoholics Anonymous and God and the whole gig to another young guy.
And I just see it keep going. And uh it's just an amazing deal. And you know, you're this is the last meeting of an awesome time.
And just don't forget, man, when you get back to where you're from, don't forget to take it with you because that's your job. You showed up here and got this gift. Give it away, man.
And uh you know, there's probably a million things that I would have loved to have said. Uh the the one thing that reigns true for me is that I've got to stay living in the moment. That's the only place that I've ever found a power greater than myself to be effective.
Uh not tomorrow, not yesterday, right here, right now. And you know, for the first time, like at a speaking engagement, like I wasn't nervous really until this morning. And uh that's rare.
You know what I mean? There's a lot of ego in there. I'm sure.
You know, I still got an ego about it, but you know what? I just keep asking God to take away the fear and direct me to what how he would have me be. And uh and it and it works.
And it absolutely works. and I do the next right thing. And I'm and I'm grateful to be up here.
And thank you guys. You guys all rock. And thanks the host committee for putting this on, man.
Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.