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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Hi everybody.

My name is Tim Hy and I'm an alcoholic. >> And since April the 12th of 1990, I haven't found it necessary to take a drink of alcohol or other mood altering substance. And that's been the best thing that's ever happened to me.

And uh it's good to be here. and pay real close attention because if you get the tape or the CD, you won't be able to hear anything as they say since it's not recording. No, it's uh it's really neat to be here.

I I appreciate it. What a beautiful beautiful place to uh to be sober. And uh I love men's groups, you know.

I we have one of these back home that started about six years ago. And uh I go to one in Texas called the Texas Manto Man Conference. It's every May.

I've been going to that for about 10 years. And uh there's something special, you know, when a bunch of uh guys get together in AA, you know, it's just uh it's hard to explain what the bond is and the specialness is. And uh it's neat to have a lot of new guys here, you know, because that makes me feel more comfortable being my first time here.

I uh I uh I've been working on this. Two weeks ago, I was in Ottawa, got to speak up there, and uh so uh I I I been working on my A's, you know. So, something goes like, "How y'all doing?" Hey, here I am.

Not not quite there. But, uh, I love Alcoholics Anonymous no matter where where I go. And, uh, looking forward to getting to meeting all of you this weekend and spending some time and, uh, you know, talking about this thing, uh, called Alcoholics Anonymous and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And, uh, I know we got, you know, a lot of new people here. And what I thought I'd do tonight is, you know, tell you my story because that's all I really have. You know, we uh the really neat part about what we have is that uh we we have a book and we have a thing called the steps.

But what makes Alcoholics Anonymous what it is is that you know it started with one alcoholic sharing his story, his experience, strength and hope with another guy. And you know I I say this because you know we live in in an age of great knowledge today about AA, right? We have we have books to read the book.

We have tapes on how to read the big book. We have workshops. We have recovery dynamics.

We have all kinds of things. But you know what? It still comes down, you know, to one alcoholic eyeball to eyeball face to face.

And that's why I really like these types of deals, you know, cuz you'll have to listen to me drone on all weekend. But the real neat deal will be is that and I hope to get out and talk to some of you one-on-one, you know, sitting on a rock and and share and experience strength and hope. Because what I can tell you guys is that, you know, I've had great sponsorship in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Uh, you know, I've been very, very fortunate and got to know guys like Tom I and uh, you know, just my my sponsor is a guy named Don Don M, little lawyer from Louisville. Don's about 28 years sober, I guess, now. But, you know, with all the great leadership that I've had, you know, the really neat thing is that uh it's the guys who spent time with me, you know, before the meeting, after the meeting, sit in the parking lot, you know, listen to me and met me for coffee, you know, and I never want to forget that because, you know, I like to take my time out today when I'm asked to uh to do anything in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I I was sharing with a couple of you. I actually was in Phoenix before I came up here. I had a business meeting and it was one of those corporate type of business things and for the last two nights I had to go out to dinner, right?

These companies were taking us out to dinner, you know, and you know how those things are. You know, you have to sit there and listen to these drunks drone on for, you know, about two or three hours. Friday night, you know, I got trapped with the drunkest guy in the restaurant.

You know, I mean, this guy is he's spitting when he's talking. you know, we went from politics to football to fishing and the whole restaurant's watching us, you know, and uh, you know, I was just so wanting to get up here, you know, and get up here with my people, get up here with my people. And I was just telling Jules outside is, you know, I don't know about you guys, but I really have come just to cherish, you know, being able to talk to another man and actually talk to him and actually listen to what he says and actually share something other than lying about girls and my past athletic, you know, feats and the stuff we always did in the bars.

And you know, that's what we get to do here, you know, and I I I sometimes take it for granted when I'm hanging around AA. But you get in one of those situations, those business things like I was in the last two nights where you have to stand there and jabber on about all the insane innane stuff that you have to and you just realize how special it is and the relationship we have here. I was telling the guys, I got to the airport today and the had a young customs guy.

You know how they do now, you know, they try to they're trying to to shake you down. So, I gave a guy my little paper and he starts asking me questions. He said, "What are you here for?" I said, "I'm here to see some friends." She He said, "Well, name them." I I said, "I only know one, Rick." He said, "You only know one of your friends.

You don't know the rest of their names?" I said, "I will. I will. I'll know him tonight." And he just kind of looks at me.

What kind of organization is this? I said, "It's a good organization." He said, 'What do you mean? What kind of is it?

I said, 'Well, let's it's kind of a social organization, you know, and he just would not let go. So, finally I said, it's Alcoholics Anonymous. And this kid just kind of looks up at me like that and he goes, "Is that a volunteer organization?" Unbelievable.

And he finally handed my stuff and I went on through, you know, unbelievable. You know, I will say this to you. I I love Alcoholics Anonymous.

I don't know about you guys, but I grew up in a little little bitty world. You know what I know today about alcoholism is that, you know, our world gets very small. Now, I'm an Irish Catholic from Kentucky.

All right. Grew up the oldest of seven kids. You know, I remember one time I was about 10 years old.

My dad says to me one day, he said, "Timmy, here's all you need to know about living is this. Irish Catholic from Kentucky. In football, you pull from Notre Dame.

Basketball you pull for Kentucky. And you vote the straight Democratic ticket." Now that's it, kid. Get out there and live, you know.

And I say that because that's kind of the mindset that I started out with. And by the time I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, April 12th of 1990, you know, that that world had gotten even much smaller than that, you know, because it was down to me, nobody else. And if you know, you didn't want my world, I didn't want you in my world.

Uh, you know, that's just the way it had gotten to be. And I say that because, you know, today uh sometimes I have to pinch myself, you know, and I'm standing in the middle of the woods um in Vancouver, Canada. And two weeks ago I was in Ottawa, Canada.

And last week I was in New Mexico, you know, and a guy like me, if you knew how I grew up, just wasn't supposed to go to places like that. It's all because of Alcoholics Anonymous. And that's one simple thing, you know, and and I just love it to death.

I was telling some guys, my home group is u called the Lamp Street Group and it's in the inner city uh down in Louisville. I mean, it's in the hood. I mean, it is down in the inner city.

It's I got involved down there because my office is not too far from it. But I'll tell you a story. It's one of my favorite a stories.

I uh about two years ago, uh and probably as a result of where my home group is, probably 75 80% of the guys I sponsor are African-American men or black men. You know, it's just the way it is down the city. and we're around all the halfway houses and the treatment centers.

So, but I don't think a whole lot about it. It's just, you know, the way it is in Alcoholics Anonymous. But a couple years ago down around that area, they changed the street from a one-way street to a two-way street, you know, and I was ready to get up on expressway one day and I'm only about three blocks from my home group now and keep in mind, but all of a sudden, I was getting ready to turn left and pow, his car hits me in the back.

And I get out and it was this elderly black man and his wife, you know, and he they had hit me. They didn't realize it was now a one-way street. And you know, we're standing there waiting for the police to come.

You know, when you have an accident. Well, all of a sudden, here comes two guys down this side of the street. Both black men.

They run over to me. They say, "Hey, Tim, how you doing, man? Are you okay?

Are you okay?" I said, "Yeah." I said, "Guys, go ahead. I'm all right." About that time, there comes two other guys. They're both black men.

They ran over to me. Tim, you okay? Anything we can do for you, partner?

I said, "No, I'm okay, guys. Go ahead." About that time, Carrera came off Expressway. Five guys in there, all black.

They stopped the car and said,"Tim, are you hurt? Can we take you to the hospital?" I said, "No, guys, I'm all right. Go ahead." I didn't think anything about it.

I turned around and an elderly black man was standing there. He went, "Who are you anyway?" You know, and what can I tell that guy, you know, how could I explain to him what just happened there? You know, our book talks about, you know, we are people who normally would not mix, but what grows up amongst us is a fellowship that's indescribably wonderful.

You know, I mean, and you know, the deal is, you know, I can go on and on. My sponsor one time sent me to talk down at a Cherokee Indian Reservation down in Cherokee, North Carolina. And I was just starting to do this.

And, you know, I was all nervous about it. And I got and one of the things I noticed right away, I was the only non-native American speaker. you know, I do not look like an Indian and you know, 6'4, you know, blonde hair and uh and I'm a little nervous.

I look out there and there's the chief sitting there and there's the medicine man sitting there and you know, man, I am just nervous as I can be. And the next thing that comes out of my mouth is, "Hey guys, you know what? When I was a kid and I used to watch those Cowboys and Indians movies, I pulled for the Indians.

I swear I did. I looked at the chief. He finally started to laugh a little bit and after the thing he came up to me said, "You know, boy, we kind of worried about you, but when you told that lie up there, we knew you were in the right place." You know, it's just great.

I mean, I go on and on and you know, places I've been in in Alcoholics Anonymous. I spoke a couple two years ago at the Midwest motorcycle rally of Alcoholics Anonymous. It was like the Woodstock.

He was out in the out in an area like this and all the guys came on their motorcycles from all over the place and uh they had it outside and it just uh you know sometimes I I just you know it's interesting when you leave home you know people in my office go where are you going? I go well I'm going to Vancouver. Why?

You know I mean they're finally starting to catch on. I um you know I I I was telling a story the other day when I first got in alcoholics anonymous we you know we talk about anonymity and as if anybody didn't know I didn't have a problem in my office but I I didn't think a whole lot about it and I uh you know after you know first six eight weeks and they told me to get a lot of guys names and I did and you know calling them and they were calling me and I didn't think a whole lot thing about it but so one day I'm out doing my sales calls I'm about four months sober and I called in there's a little girl named Tammy who answered you She was our receptionist. I said, "Tammy, give me my calls." She said, "All right, Tim.

Here they are." Said, "Joel called and he said, "Thanks for last night." Said, "Tommy called and said, "Could they get together tonight?" Dave called and said, "Could they have you have lunch tomorrow?" And and she said, "There's one more." I said, "All right, go ahead and read it." She said, "Well, Jimmy called and he just wants you to know that he loves you." And I said, "Tammy, look, when I get in there, we need to have a talk." And you know what? That particular day though, I went in, I talked to her, and I told her my story. As sometimes, you know, the book says, "If we stay on the far line of life, you know, you will know the time to do it." And that was one of those days.

And and as it turned out, she had a daddy who was an alcoholic, and she had a husband who was well on the way, you know. So, you know, that's been my experience. I don't know about yours is that you promised me if I stayed on the firing line of life that you know, God would give me an opportunity to to to carry this beautiful message which you guys have given to me.

And uh you know, that's simply what this is all about. You know, it was started over 70 years ago by two guys and here we are. You guys been doing this deal for what 21 years now.

in some form or the other. You know, we just keep carrying a simple message of of of hope to each other. And if you're new here tonight and this weekend, that's what this is all about.

And uh I truly uh congratulate you for showing up because, you know, we had the same thing at home and I was the same way. You know, when I first got into AA and in in like uh Peter was talking about and they said, "Hey, you want to go spend a weekend with a hundred other guys?" Hell no. you know, I mean, that was the last thing in the world that I wanted to get trapped in doing, but you know, if you're and I know some of you are probably feeling that way, but uh stick with it.

And uh it's a good thing. And this is where the this is where the healing takes place, you know, and also if you're new, you know, I need to tell you when I showed up in AA for a long time, I would sit out there in those chairs and I would listen to the speakers and I would listen to what the speakers did that I didn't do. I was really all about that, man.

I was interested in what you did that I didn't do. And I'd sit there and I'd listen to the speaker and I'd be thinking, "Well, I did that. I did.

I did not do that. Did not do that." Next night, next speaker, you know, I'd be thinking, "Did it. I did it.

I did. Uh-uh. Did not do that." You know, every night, same thing.

Did it. Did it. Did it.

Didn't do it. You know, because I was looking for The deal was, you know, the didn't were huge. If I if I if I could get enough didn't, I'm out of here.

You know, I was trying as best I could to find out why I did not belong in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'll be darn I was in a meeting probably six weeks after in doing this and a lady a lady speaking, not even a guy. And I'm listening to this lady's story and everything this woman did, I did.

Everything. I'm listening to her story saying, "Man, I did that. I did that.

I did that. Oh, I'm screwed. I did that, too." But right at the end of her talk, she said she used to carry a half pint in her bra.

I said, "I did not do that. And I told some old guy about that after the meeting and he said to me, he said,"Tim, what's your problem?" I said, "Well, I'm kind of looking what an alcoholic looks like." And he said, "Well, kind of like you." I said, "No, you know what I mean. You know, dirty old man, raincoat." And they said, "No, we don't know what you mean." You know, and the deal was I looked around and I couldn't tell you were an alcoholic by looking at you actually, you know.

I mean, once in a while we get a dirty old man in a raincoat in here, but not normally, right? like tonight, you know, actually dressed nice, you know, looking good, smiles on your face. I couldn't tell you were drunk by looking at you.

And then I listened to your stories. The stories were all over the board. Lots of different stories, lots of different things happened.

So different stories. uh you know and this is and I want to put this out there tonight because I I want to talk a lot about this hopefully over the weekend you know cuz here's what happened to me you know and I don't know about if you'll identify with this if you're new but I kept sitting there no matter what your stories were what I started to realize I heard you guys talking about three things you were talking about being restless irritable and discontent you were talking about being apart from not a part of and you were talking about progressive patterns of dishonesty in your life. See, cuz when I heard those three things, I said, "Uh-uh." Cuz those three three things have been part of my life from the getgo.

Those three things I have wrestled with now 19 and a half years in Alcoholics Anonymous. Restless, irritable, and discontented. The book talks clearly about it.

What is it? Don't know. Just got it.

Absolutely have had it as long as I can remember. You know, in fact, sometimes the most powerful thing I hear when we're in the rooms is I say, "Hey, Alex, how's it going?" And Alex will go, "Ah, a Tim. I don't know.

I don't know. Something just ain't right. Something just ain't right.

Do you know, Tim? Do you know?" I'll go, "Yeah, I know. I know, Alex.

I know what you're talking about there. See, whatever that was, you hear us talk about our hole in the gut that the wind blows through. Whatever it is, when I was 13 years old and I found alcohol and put it on that, it took it away.

And I never forgot that. And I really chased that for about the next 27 years. And see, the important part for me to understand was, you know, you are trying to tell me real clearly is Tim, guess what?

When you take the alcohol away, guess what's going to be there? Irritable, restless, and discontent. That hole, whatever it was down deep inside of me that was broken, and I believe has been broken for a long time, you know, was going to it was going to take a certain type of fix.

And you guys were going to tell me what that was in the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. The second thing you all were talking about was being apart from not a part of. That is huge in my life.

You know, there is still a part of me. You know, you would think you would get comfortable doing this after a while going different places. When I get here, what will happen?

There'll always be a part about, you know, about an hour ago where a little voice will get in my head and go, "Uhoh, you don't belong here." They'll know you're from Kentucky. You know, they'll know. They'll know you're different.

They'll know, Tim. They'll know. And it's insane.

It's always been there. There's a part of me that always wants to separate from the pack. There's a part of me that always wants to pick up and go.

And see, that is so huge because the biggest thing you all told me when I showed up was just keep coming back. And here was the real important part. You said, Tim, keep coming back irregardless of how you feel, think, or believe.

Ow. See, because my feelings, thoughts, and beliefs were everything to me. The bottom line was if little Timmy didn't feel good about it, if little Timmy didn't understand it, and if little Timmy didn't think he was going to work for him, then I'm certainly not going to do anything.

And you guys said, "Well, then you probably going to die." Cuz if you're thinking you're going to come in here and feel, think, and believe about, you know, this alcoholic's non from day one, it won't work that way. We would suggest for you on the other hand if you put your feelings, thoughts and beliefs aside and you do what we ask you to do, you might have a chance to stay alive. And in fact, they even took it a point to tell me, Tim, your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs are your disease.

You know, and I didn't understand the word they were saying, but I understand that today because the thing that really first gift that God gave me in Alcoholics Anonymous was one day was just a little bit of teachability. Don't know where it came from. one day just a little willingness to go to your stupid old meetings and do the stupid old stuff that you all were doing, you know, and I have to say it that way because that's pretty much how I felt about when I showed up, you know, apart from not a part of, you know, and I think that's a huge piece of of my alcoholism at least.

And, you know, so I mean that's why I need to keep coming and stay in what I call the loop of Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, I got six grandkids and I like to watch old movies with them and uh I like one of my favorite movies of all time was ET the extraterrestrial and I tell you why. I came out in about 83 or 84 and I was all drunked up one night and I was with this girl that I think I was engaged to, you know, one of those deals.

And uh so we're watching this movie, if you ever remember that movie, there's a part in the movie where ET, the little the little Martian guy, he gets all green and gray and crinkly, you know, he he's drying up, you know, he's dying. He's dying, man. He's been cut cut off from the mother ship and he's dying.

But all of a sudden, he looks up in the sky and he goes, "Home home eat home." Man, tears just started coming down my face. This girl I was with said, "What is wrong with you?" I said, "Man, I know just how he feels." You know, and you know what? I really believe this.

I could tell that same story in church. Nobody gets it. You tell that in AA, everybody goes, "Oh, yeah, man.

I know exactly what you're talking about. I've been trying to get home my whole life." You know, home, you know, and thank God I found it here. And that's why I come back to meetings every day.

It has become my home. I don't and I don't even need to understand what that's about. I just know it works.

And I was telling Jules a minute ago, I couldn't wait to get out of Phoenix to get home to my people, you know, and I I don't have any problem saying that anymore. And the last thing you all were talking about was progressive patterns of dishonesty in your life. And when I heard that, I was like, "Oh, man." Cuz what I knew always about myself is I lied when the truth was good enough.

I lied when the truth was good enough. When I was a little kid, I was a pretty good good good athlete. But if I scored 20 points in a game and I came home, you'd say, "How many points you score?" I'd say 24.

You know, got to be on the test. What'd you get? 10 B+.

You know, I mean, I did this from a little kid on. And I can even remember thinking, "What's that all about, Tim?" And here's what I've come to understand, Tim. Why isn't the truth good enough for you?

Why isn't the truth good enough for you? And what I know today is if you're going to be a drunk, if you're going to live the life that we live, truth can't be good enough for you. You have to learn almost immediately that you got to live outside of that.

And I did immediately. And I lived outside the truth, you know, till I walked in the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous. And 19 and 12 years later, once in a while, I I stumbled across it, you know, since you guys have been helping me.

But the truth has got to be good enough. You know, when I say that, I remember I was about three months sober. I got back in my house with my family, which was an on andoff thing.

I was up watching the Late Show with my daughter. She was 13 years old. And it's quarter to 1 in the morning, and she says, "Dad, can I order pizza?" I said, "Honey, no, don't do that.

Your mom will go nuts." She said, "Come on, let me." I said, "All right, go ahead." 1:15 in the morning, throw over our rings. It's Pizza Man. Well, of course, my wife, her mother, comes flying out of the bedroom screaming at my daughter going, "What are you doing getting a pizza?" at 1:15 in the morning.

My daughter said, "Well, dad said I could." My wife said, "You say she could?" I said, "NO." And my daughter goes, "Dad, you were lying." I go, "I know. I do it all the time." So, you know, I say all that to say this, you know, restless, irritable, and discontent apart from, not a part of, and progressive patterns of dishonesty in my life. See, now what I know today, what I didn't know when I showed up here is you guys were going to give me the package.

You were going to give me a solution for all of that. You know, restless, irritable, and discontent. You were going to teach me about hooking up with this power greater than myself that we're going to talk about this weekend.

So that I wouldn't when when I was restless, irritable, and discontent, except except picking up some drinks or some type of a drug that I had some other mechanism to deal with that that that hole in my soul. The second thing, apart from not a part of, you gave me the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and alls I have to do is drag my raggedy old butt, you know, one day at a time in and hang out with you guys. And I don't have to be happy about it.

I don't even have to be smiling about it. You just said just show up. Just show up and find some little bit of willingness and maybe you'll have a chance.

And of course, the last part was uh the progressive patterns of dishonesty in life. You gave me the 12 steps and he said,"Tim, if you learn to practice these 12 steps, you're going to learn that you can live with your truth." And that whatever your truth is, it's good enough. And isn't that what we do in Alcoholics Anonymous?

You know, we we come in and sooner or later we're willing to share with each other, "All right, this is what really happened. All right, this is the truth about me." Now, for me, unless you're different from me, it took me a little while to get there. You know, I'm still working at that.

But slowly I'm starting to understand it's okay. You know, sometimes I I we take for granted, you know, what goes on in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, what we do when we do this deal, when we share with each other, Joe McQueeny, a lot of, you know, Joe, Joe and Charlie tapes.

And I heard Joe tell a story one time before he died. Said he was in a big AA conference in a hotel somewhere and he said, you know, he was walking down the hall. He was behind two ladies who weren't with the AA conference.

But you overheard their conversation. And one lady said to the other lady, "Well, what do they do in there anyway?" And the other lady said, "Oh, it's awful. It really is." She said, "I peeked in there last night." You know what they do?

Well, one of them gets up there and says all these awful things about himself, and the rest of them laugh at him. And you know, if you think about it, if somebody off the street walked into here and listened to what we were sharing, they think, you know, what is this all about? But see, the deal is is that that's that's where the gift comes from.

That's where the healing comes from, is that we're willing to share our woundedness. You know, at any given point in Alcoholics Anonymous, it's the less broken helping the more broken, you know, and and I truly believe that. you know, I'm broken.

I will always be broken. The good news is, you know, you guys have been willing on your days when you're a little bit better than me to share your experience, strength, and hope. And when I've been having a better day, then I'm able to do that for you.

You know, and that's the way it's always going to be for me. And I've accepted that. You know, I'll just tell you very quickly about my drinking.

I told you I grew up in that Irish Catholic family. It wasn't if you were going to drink, it was when and how good were you going to do it. You know, I mean, this I was the oldest of seven kids, six boys and one girl.

Um, I always think it's interesting. A lot of drinking went on in my family for many generations. And I'll be darn if I wasn't the first alcoholic.

Interesting. Cuz and far is what I could figure out though, you know, as a kid when I looked at my family, we had two types of people in my family. We had either nervous people or characters.

I don't know if you had any of those in your family. We had a lot of characters. And what I mean by that was, you know, my dad would tell stories.

Well, you remember when Uncle Mike came in all drunked up and Uncle Tom was sneaking in through the window and Uncle Mike woke up and he shot him, you know, and they'd all laugh and have another drink, you know, and my dad would say, "Boy, Uncle Tom, he was a character." And I'd be thinking, "Dad, he's a killer. What are you talking about?" You know, lots of characters, lots of nervous people. And I think you know that that what I'm going to say is the truth is in both sides of my family, people were dying of the disease of alcoholism for generations, generations.

They just didn't call it couldn't call it uh what it really was. And you know, and I say that because I'm very grateful that for whatever reason, you know, God on April 12th, 1990 made me willing to call it for the first time what it really was. And as a result of that, you know, I had a chance to start getting better.

But anyway, as I told you, you know, I found alcohol at a very early age. And you know, and I'll be real honest, it did for me, you know, what it needed to do. I mean, I was a tall, goofy, pimply, just totally shy, afraid of girls.

I mean, I couldn't do any of that stuff. You know, I could shoot a basketball. You know, the only gift that I get, not the only gift, but one of the gifts that I had was I was an all-state basketball player in the state of Kentucky.

And to translate that for you guys, that's like being an all-American hockey player in Canada. Basketball is a big deal down where I met. So my picture was in the paper a lot.

My name was in the paper a lot. And the only reason I mention that is that that was my whole identity. That's who I was, you know, because beyond that, I was a totally fear-based, fear ridden, totally afraid to live type of a kid, you know.

I mean, it was just awful, you know, to be 16 or 17 is I didn't know how to do that stuff until I got a hold of a thing called ethyl alcohol. And when I got a hold of it, it was magic. It worked for me.

It It was a It enabled me immediately to do what I couldn't do as simple things as talking to girls and dancing and all that. And I just thought, well, you know what? If that works that way, then more is better.

And you know, the game was on. And I will say to you from this part, this point forward in my story and I and I really think this is the legacy of Alcoholics Anonymous, at least for me, is that alcohol would start to take from me at 17 years old everything that would ever mean anything to me. You know, and I say that because, you know, one of the things I have um I've had three kids, I have grandkids, and I think all when you get older, I'm 61 years old.

when you look back on your life and you know and the truth was I had dreams. I had aspirations you know I did you know I wanted to you know they I was kind of a humble guy. I just wanted to grow up and be an NBA player and you know have have the most beautiful girl on earth and just you know three four million bucks in my pocket.

But other than that you know but no seriously I mean I I just like every every kid 18 or 19 years old. I just wanted to have a good life. you know, I wanted to go to college and get a degree and, you know, have the good wife in the family and be a good dad and all that stuff.

I I wanted that. I did. You know, when when I'm saying that because, you know, as I look back, what I what I know today that I certainly didn't know when I started that journey was alcohol was not going to allow that to happen.

If you're an alcoholic of my my kind, then simply you just can't live that type of life, you know. Uh, and I didn't know that then. And we were talking about this on the way over.

I I just it just does me so much good to see young people today in Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, uh people getting sober, you know, at 18 years old or 23 years old. I mean, I I didn't have a clue, you know, till I was 42 years old. There was even thing called Alcoholics Anonymous.

But anyway, I got I got a u at 18 years old, an all state basketball player. I got a scholarship to division one college and uh that was a big deal in my life because not only was I the first member of my family to go to college but to go on a scholarship with a lot of notoriety I mean that was a big deal and uh I left Louisville in all my glory in 1966. Uh alcohol entered my life this way by the first game of my sophomore year.

In those days, you couldn't play as a freshman. But the first game my sophomore year, I showed up to that game so drunk that the other players had to hide me on the end of the bench so I wouldn't get thrown out of out of school, you know, and so this is like going to I don't know what the big time college up here would be, but to go down to UCLA game and I I played at St. Louis University and we were in the league with Louisville and and Cincinnati and Memphis State and you know, it wasn't like little league stuff.

So, this is like going to the the coliseum and one kid on the end of the bench is just stumbling drunk. And what I want to share with you and and hopefully we'll talk a lot about this this weekend is that there were two things that happened that day that would become the two things that would just dominate my life for the next 20 years. I left class that day and I was walking down the street and the guy said, "Hey, Tim, you want to go get a drink?" And I said, "Well, sure." You know, I never said no.

And uh and I always had this type of mind that said, "Well, yeah, I'll go have a couple beers, come home, get a nap, get up, take a shower, go to the game, be a hero." You know, that's what my mind said. I didn't know anything at 18 years old about a physical allergy or mental obsession. I didn't know certainly know anything about phenomena, a craving.

And if you would to give me a lie detector test that day, I was going to have two beers because the basketball, you guys, was the one thing I would have told you. I'm I'm not going to jeopardize that. I mean, that's who I am, man.

And I'm not I can't lose that. The other thing was this. The day before the coach had said who was going to start the game and who were going to be the first three substitutes.

And I wasn't one of them. And I had this thing that you know when my feelings got hurt and I felt discounted, I love to drink. You know, in fact, this is the way this thing plays out for me the rest of my life.

There's a part of me, and the way I like to translate it is I start noticing, whether I'm on your team or I'm working for you in relationships, I can't help but start noticing that I'm not getting respect that a man of my stature should be getting. It's awful, guys. It is It has caused me so much trouble.

I don't know about you guys. I mean, I notice I'm not getting the respect of my statue. Even happens in Alcoholics Anonymous, by the way.

I don't know about you guys, I start noticing some days I'm not getting the respect a guy 19 and a half years sober should be getting. You know the good deal about AA? Nobody gives a And that was real important to me when I showed up.

And you guys said, "Look, Tim, get this right. If you want what we have, come on in. And if you don't want to do it our way, then how about that meeting down the street?" Because see I have come to understand the book clearly says it that I have a disorder of the ego says it very clearly the core of my problem is selfishness and self-centerness didn't know if I bought that when I first got to Alcoholics Anonymous and the longer I've been here I said how so much it is true and so that's what happened that particular day you know one I didn't I didn't understand that once I took that first drink that I wasn't going to stop and two you know this whole idea of you know my self-centerness letting and saying to me once again, you're not getting what you deserve.

And those two things, as I'm saying, would just permeate my life uh up until this day. You know, I just today I have some tools to deal with it. Crazy thing happened.

You know, this is how my life started to go. And the reason I got drunk is I wasn't going to get in the game anyway. I was the first substitute to get the idiot put in.

All right. So, I'm out there and this is not good because I'm very drunk. And I'm seeing like three or four baskets up there.

And there's like six basketballs bouncing around and I'm about ready to puke. And I'm out there and about half the people in the crowd know I'm drunk because they were at the same place I was drinking. I was in two minutes, you guys.

I got two shots at the basket and I swished them both, you know. So, not only did I get caught, now I'm like the drunk who made two baskets, you know. I'm like the I'm like the local hero, you know.

And of course, I'm going around for the next two weeks on campus telling everybody, "Well, hey, anybody can hit them when you're sober. Takes a real guy to hit one when you're drunk." The truth is is that what I'm saying is at 19 years old, the most important thing that I saw in my life at that time now had taken a backseat to alcohol. You know, we had an old guy down around Louisville.

He used to always say the analogy was, you know, alcohol was his friend. This was his buddy. He said he used to throw it in the car and he used to ride around and have a great time.

He said then one day he woke up, he's in the back seat, alcohol was driving and it was taking him wherever it wanted to go. And that's happened to me at the 18 years old. Alcohol started to dictate on a daily basis what I did, who I did it with, but most of all where I ended up on any given day.

And what it also did was it started to demand that I um go against the morals and the values that my family had given me because you know if you're broke and you need to drink every day then you need to do what you need to do. So I got into stealing. I got into taking tests for people cuz I had some brains when I was sober uh to make money.

My nickname at that college became the vagabond. You know there's a great name for a 19-year-old kid. You know and I got that name because that's how I lived.

you know, I might end up at your house, your house, under a tree, wherever the alcohol finished with me that day is kind of where I was done. And I just kind of trooped around for the next two and a half years doing that. The basketball, as you're probably going to guess, came to an end, you know, uh right at the end of my sophomore year, I got by with it for a little bit.

And uh it all came to an end. And you know what? When I look back at it, I didn't even care, you know, because I had found something that just seemed to work much better than that anyway.

the whole the whole thing had gotten to be kind of an irritation and a drag because the alcohol now was my main focus in life. What happened to me though? I mean, you just can't hang around just drinking.

And when I I was in school there and it came to 1970 and I had enough credits to graduate. My grades weren't very good, but I had enough credits to graduate. If you can go back to 1970, a lot of you can.

There was only two things you can do in 1970. You go to work and you go to war. And I wasn't too interested in either one.

You know, I kind of wanted to keep the party going if I could was my idea. And any of you go back to that time, Vietnam was not anywhere at that time in 1970 that anybody wanted to go. They had a draft lottery and my lottery number was six, you know, so I'm going.

And so, and I say this because I don't know if you remember any part in your life where you had that thought, well, I better get it going. I better pull myself up by my bootstraps and get something done with my life. And this is the first time that I can remember, you know, facing that that fear that uhoh, something's going to have to give here.

You're going to be over there shooting them up pretty quick, Tim. There was only two ways you could get out of the draft at that time. You could get married, which I thought that's awful drastic.

Or or you or you could uh go to grad school, okay? Or you could have run up here, I guess. I forgot about that option.

But but anyway, I came up at 22 years old with a plan for my life. Again, I want you to stay with me on this. And some if you're really a drunk, you're going to understand it perfectly.

If you're not, you won't. But my plan was exactly, and it's exactly the way I thought. I said, "All right, here's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to go take the test to get into law school. I'm take the test to get into law school. I'm going to pass that test.

I'm going to get into law school. I'm going to graduate from law school. Someday I'll run for Congress and then president of the United States.

Now, if you're with me, it's a short trip for me as a drunk from street drunk to president of the United States. Yeah. I mean, that's just the way I think, you know.

And as you probably guessed, I went and took the test and, you know, having been a street drunk for really four years, I got an awful score on the test and the law school turned me down. Now, as meager as it may sound to you guys, I mean, at that point in my life, my life as I saw it was on the line. And I remember sitting around for days sweating this, you know, thinking, talking to the guys, what should I do?

And I one day it hits me, Tim, why don't you stop drinking, man? Why don't you stop drinking and study for that test because you can pass it? I know you can.

You're not stupid. I've been a daily drinker for four years. For the next five weeks, I stopped drinking, man.

And it was awful at first. You know, I had the shakes. Everybody was partying, having a good time, but my life was on the line, you know.

And for the next five weeks, I gave it the best that God had given me, you know. I studied for that test. I got a guy who was a tutor and he came in and tutoring for that test.

I gave it everything, guys, I had for five weeks. Came down to the day before the test. I made a slight change in my plan.

It was a Friday afternoon. The test was on a Saturday morning. I said, "All right, here's a new plan.

I'm going to go out and have a couple beers so I can relax. Come back, get a good night's sleep, get up, take that test, pass that test, get into law school, Congress, President United States. Same plan, one little change there.

I left that Friday afternoon for those two beers. I didn't get back to that campus till the following Tuesday. Found out later on I rode around St.

Louis on a city bus about a day and a half and what I know today is called a blackout. Physical allergy, mental obsession, phenomenon of craving. I remember when I was leaving for those two beers, all these guys grabbed me and said, "Oh, Tim, don't don't What are you doing?" Or, you know, I said, "Guys, am I stupid?

You think I'm stupid? I'm not going to blow this. I will be back in this dormatory by 9:00.

You can write it down." You know, and the next thing I would tell you, I believe that with every ounce in me. And I had no clue till I showed up here in 1990 that with this first drink was the problem. You know, I spent the, you know, my 27 years of drinking trying to find out where the cut off point is.

Where does a man stop where the consequences don't come. I never found it. And that's exactly what happened.

There's a story within this story. About 2:00 that morning after I went out drinking, I knew I were going to take the test. And I went back to the dormatory and I found this real smart guy down the hall and I paid him 25 bucks to go take the test for me.

In those days, you could get away with that stuff much easier than you can today. So he goes and takes the test for me. I stay drunk for three and a half days.

About 3 weeks later, we got the results of the test that this guy took for me. The damn guy got the highest score in the history of the law school. I mean, I opened this score up when it came in and I ran down the hall and said, "You idiot.

Look what you've done to me now." You know, I think like I don't know the numbers. 800 was perfect. He had gotten a 799 on it.

I had gotten a 400 on the one I took. Now I got two scores in my name, right? 400 and 799.

You know, and I think you'll relate to this. You know, we talk about pitiful incomprehensible demoralization in our book. And here I'm 22 years old now.

I made it appointment to go see the dean of the law school cuz I'm thinking I better get to them before they get to me. And I made his appointment. And I walk in and the man's sitting there, you know, and he didn't say a word the whole time I was there.

And I did, you know, only thing you could do, right? I started to lie. I said, "Well, Dean, you're probably wondering about the difference in those two scores." I said, "See what happened is at the last minute, I decided I didn't want to be a lawyer.

I let some other guy take the test. How did he do?" You know, as if I didn't know. And he was looking at me and I knew that he knew I knew that he knew I was lying.

You know, I had been there many times, but you don't have any choice, you know. But what I wanted to share with you guys, I'm 22 and I don't know why I remembered this, but I turned to leave that law office that day and for one brief moment, I knew the truth. One brief moment, what went through my mind was, Tim, you know the truth, man.

It's the booze. The booze took the basketball out of your life for no reason. And it took your opportunity to go to law school cuz you got the brains, Tim, and you know it.

It's the booze, man. It's the alcohol. I don't know why I ever remembered that.

You know, it did not last long. You know, I walked outside of that uh office that day. There were two guys that I know.

They said, "You want to get a drink?" I said, "Yeah." That's 1970. You know, it was going to be 20 years before I showed up in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I used to say to some old guys around Louisville, you know, "Hey, how come I didn't get it then?

How come I didn't, you know, understand what was happening?" They said, "Tim, I we don't know, but it doesn't work that way. You know, this wasn't your time. The good news is, thank God that you're here, you know, and that God gave you the grace and uh on April 12th of 1990 for that one magic moment, you know, to to show up in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.

But what I wanted to share with you, and you know, I guess maybe I can say this looking back on my life, I certainly couldn't see it for what it was then. I leave Louisville in 1966 in all my glory, right? Mr.

Hero, Mr. All-American. I sneak back into Louisville four years later living a complete lie because I had to come back home and I had to tell people, well, I decided I didn't want to be a lawyer.

I just thought I'd come on home. I I missed everybody, you know, until I got into AA. The only person who knew the truth was my mom.

Thank God for mom. So, she carried the secret for many, many years till I showed up in A. But my point is, you know what I know today more about my disease than I did when I showed up is that what it really takes from us is our dignity.

It takes our integrity. It takes our character. It strips you raw of all that stuff, you know.

And here I am at 22. Not only am I living my life on a lie uh on a start going to try to be an adult now, you know, living a complete lie, you know, I have pretty much lost all the integrity and the confidence of who I thought I could be and I'm I'm only four years into the deal. You know, interesting thing happened.

I came home about to take the draft physical and I flunked the draft physical on a congenital birth defect. I thought, man, this would have saved me a lot of trouble if I had known this, you know. Of course, it never works that way, right?

But anyway, I came back into Louisville and I got into teaching and coaching because that was the only thing that I was qualified to do. And uh I got a job coaching uh basketball and uh at an all boys Catholic high school in Louisville and my job was I was a dean of students. Now, that's a bad job for a drunk, you know.

You put a de meant I was in charge of discipline, you know. So, you got a drunk in charge of discipline. And I uh I tell this one particular story and I I think you'll understand why cuz there's lots of stories from this part of my life that I I'd rather not bring up.

But one particular morning I was sitting there like I always do, you know, trying to get through that first couple hours, you know, big old tomato head just throbbing and praying to get to 10:00 and and uh but I'm sitting there at my desk waiting for all the kids to come in who are late, right? Well, this is back in the 70s where all the kids are out in the parking lot hitting a few doobies, you know, to get ready for class and whatnot. And and I'm sitting there this one day and all hung over and I look up and this kid standing up over him.

He's got that long hair back in the 70s, you know, and his his eyes are all glazed over, you know, he just you smell that reefer and he was just floating over top my desk like this really. And all of a sudden he looked down, "Hey, Mr. Highland, you're looking bad, dude." And I think I said something to him like, "Hey, by God, I'm in charge here and don't you forget that." The reason I like to tell that story about that that kid that day, that kid that said that to me that day last summer, celebrated 27 years in Alcoholics Anonymous.

He's a great member of AA. Yeah, that deserves a clap. He's a great A member.

He lives down in Dest, Florida. The kid's a multi-millionaire. He he owns all this property and went down there.

I went down there to speak at a conference a couple years ago. And when I got off the airplane, he had he was there and he had his kids with him. He came up to me and said, "Hey, coach." He called me coach.

He said, "Look, make you a deal. I don't want to say anything about you if you don't say anything about me." And you know what? I was sharing a little bit uh with Rick on this.

You know, I don't know about you guys, but God has given been so good to me to give me so many opportunities to redo all those areas of my life that I failed in so miserably. And one of them in Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, over the last 19 and a half years, I've had the gift and the opportunity to sponsor some of those same boys I tried to teach and coach back in the 70s. How about this for a special gift?

How about having three brothers who I taught and coached back in the 70s all show up in Alcoholics Anonymous 3 years ago within 90 days of each other. And I got to sponsor all three of those kids. I still call them kids and they're all 50 years old.

But I got to sponsor all three of them. You know, it doesn't get any better than that. You know, I was telling Rick, it's an interesting thing.

you know, in our meetings at in Louisville, if they get up to the podium before me, you know, these kids that I sponsor now, it's it's of course they say, you know, hey, it's obviously why we're alcoholic. We caught it from our coach, you know, but uh it's really been a blessing, you know, to have that done. And uh let let me share this because we we have some time.

Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I just it was an important part of my sobriety. One of one of those kids that I sponsored came into a his name was Chris.

And uh not only had I taught and coached Chris in the 70s in high school, I had known him since he was a baby cuz his family lived two streets from our family. They had seven kids like we had seven kids, but I was the oldest and he was the youngest in his family. So it was 10 years apart.

And sure enough, about seven or eight years ago, he showed up in Alcoholics Anonymous. And it was a good deal. You know, he was the first kid I sponsored.

And it's longer than that, I guess, 10 years ago. He was the first kid that I had coached that that that I sponsored in AA and for two years we had a great run. You know, we did the deal, man.

We did our meetings, we did our steps and and all of a sudden Chris quit showing up, you know, all of a sudden he quit calling. Once in a while he would stop by my office and I'd say, "Man, what's going on?" He'd say, "Well, Tim, you know, I u I'm not doing much a anymore." He said, "But you know, I'm doing good stuff. I'm doing good stuff." He said, "I'm working in the Big Brothers program, Tim.

I'm helping these little kids in the ghetto." And it's really a good thing. It's kind of like what we do in AA. We help people.

You know, I remember telling him what the old-timers had told me. I said, "Chris, look, let me just pass on something that's been passed on to me. I'm a drunk and I need to be around my own kind.

I need to be around other drunks." I said, "I'm sure you're helping these little kids, you know, in the Big Brothers program, but man, I'd really like to see you come back around Alcoholics Anonymous." And, you know, he didn't do that. And what happened to him was his life took an unexpected turn. Huh?

Just like all of ours do. And what happened to him was he had a little girl by a woman. And for the first year of that baby's life, the mother didn't want it.

And he raised this little girl from an infant for the first year of its life. And as you may guess, what a special bond he had with that little girl. But then in the second year, the mother out of just meanness really went to court and took that baby away from him and would not let him see that child.

And what happened was is what our book talks about. He went into that obsession of mind, that loop thinking. And he started to call me and he said,"Tim," I can't take this.

I can't handle this. You know, I I don't know what I'm going to do. And I'll never forget it.

I don't know what year it was now, but it was a couple days before St. Patrick's Day in March. And he called me one night and I said, "Well, Chris, let's get together in the morning, son, cuz all I know to tell you to do, we'll get together and we'll do a third step and we'll try to turn this thing over to God because that's the only only solution I have for you.

It's the only one that's been given to me. And what I want to share with you, you know, that never happened. We never got together that next morning because about two in the morning that night, another guy sponsored said, "Tim, I'm at Chris's house and he's dead." And I went over there, guys.

I wanted to share. I'm about 7 years sober, I guess, at the time. And I was kind of flaking out a little bit on the outside of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I was getting kind of bored with it. Wasn't quite getting, you know, into the meetings the way I used to. But that night, I went over there and here's what I saw.

I looked down. Here's this blind 6'2 blind kid that I'd known my whole life. Great athlete by the way.

And underneath his uh lawn chair was an empty quarter, Jack Daniels. And in his lap was the hose that came out of his exhaust of the car sitting right next to him. And he was just slumped in that chair.

And the policeman were here and they had the yellow tape around them. And it was it was a pivotal changing uh form for formatting or transforming moment in my sobriety because I want to tell you what I looked at that kid sitting there and what went through my mind was this. Look, you can make me the deacon of 51 churches.

You know, you can make me the head of the Boy Scouts of America. You can make me the head of the Mother Teresa fan club. You know, you can make me all the wonderful things that the world says I can do.

But if I forget first and foremost what I am and where I belong, you can forget about the rest. You know, I truly believe that. That was such a message to me.

See, I got guys today, I don't know about you all, that I came into a a with in Louisville. I don't ever see him at the meetings and I say to him, "Hey man, what's going on?" I go, "Ah, Tim, coaching the little league, real involved in my church, Tim. I'm a deacon." And I think, "Man, I hope it works for you.

I really hope it works for you." You see, cuz what I was taught is that if I realize what I am, there's only been one thing in 70 years that works for a guy like me, and it's called the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And if I can keep that first and foremost, then all that rest of that stuff, you guys, I can have it. I'm on boards of directors today.

I have a church today. I go to watch my kids play, my grandkids play, you know, but it's only because I show up here first. It's only because, you know, and and I say that because, you know, Chris never got to carry his own message.

But, you know, I remember going to his funeral and he was the only alcoholic in his family. And his mother said to me, and I know him my whole life. He said, she said, here's what she said.

She said, Timmy, she said, I don't understand. I said, well, don't you understand? She said, I don't understand how a problem in life can get that big where you pick up a quart of whiskey and you take your own life.

I don't understand that, Tim. You know what? And I looked in her eyes and I realized she didn't understand at all.

But I'll tell you what, I did. I understood it perfectly. And I understand that I can get to that point again.

I see it every day in my life in Alcoholics Anonymous. You see, that's what I'm saying, guys. And and that's why sometimes I I tell Chris's story because, you know, I know I don't know if it does anything for you, but boy, it brought me back to where I needed to be.

It's the reason, you know, I be somebody's asking me about this today. you know what? How do you like doing this?

I said, well, I don't like the airplane rides, you know? I mean, that's gotten to be a beaten, right, anymore to to get on an airplane and go through all that stuff. But this part of it, you know, being in front of you guys, being around other people that have the same problem that I have and and are working the same solution, it's all I have.

It's my life. And as long as that stays there, I'm pretty sure that the rest of it can be there. You know, also when I came back uh uh from college, I got married to my high school sweetheart.

And we may go ahead and do about a two-hour workshop on this sometime this weekend, unless none of the rest of you have any problems with relationships. I mean, I don't. But, uh, I got married to my high school sweetheart in 1970.

We got divorced for the first time in 1983. I remarried in 1985. We got divorced again in 1987.

I remarried in 1990 when I got sober. AND WE GOT divorced again in 1994. You got it.

You know, that's not too bad. You know, you tell people in your office that, they go, "What?" Tell people, they go, "Oh, hell, sounds normal to us." You know, what I will say generically about that today is what's that all about? Well, it's all about alcoholism and everything that goes with it.

I love him. I hate him. He's good.

He's bad. You know, if you don't know, there's a thing called alcoholism in the middle of any relationship. It's an impossible deal.

And the truth about that was, you know, historically, you had two pretty good people doing the best they could until this whole thing cleared up about what the real problem was. You know, uh she's actually a pretty neat lady. I also had three beautiful children born, you know, in in that marriage.

And since we're all guys here, I'll share this with you. How about How about is God's gift to you having your oldest son born on Christmas morning in 1971? That was God's gift to me.

What a blessing. 9:00 a.m. Christmas morning, oldest son.

And I missed the gift. And I was to miss lots of those gifts cuz the best I could do that Christmas morning, I was in the hospital, but I was in the men's toilet with my head in toilet bowl spitting up whiskey. And all I could think about is I got to get out of here and I got to get somewhere where I can get a drink.

And I never even got into the room where my wife was and my Christmas baby was. I left the hospital to go find a drink before I even saw that child. You know, I want to share something too with you because this became important to me.

I really didn't see that kid grow up, my oldest child, because by the time I got sober, he was about 17 and he, as you might guess, had been through it by that time. He had seen a lot of stuff he didn't like and didn't want to see. But I'm 6 months sober, right?

I'm 6 months sober in AA and he says to me one day, "Hey, Dad, can I talk to you before I go off to school?" I said, "Well, sure, son." And of course, I immediately think, "Uh-huh." He probably wants to tell me how proud he is of me that I'm 6 months sober and alcoholics and anonymous. I'm pretty sure that's probably it. And we have our little meeting.

I said, "What is it, son, you'd like to say before you go?" And he said, "Dad, I only have one thing to say." He said, "I hate you." He said, "I hate you, Dad. Let me tell you why." He said, 'I hate you because all you think about is you. He said, 'Even since you stopped drinking, Dad, all you think about is you.

Bye, man. You know, I was just stunned. I was I said, I can't believe that kid said that to me, and I made the most crucial mistake I've ever made in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I took my old whiny story to a bunch of old-timers in the south end of Louisville. They were not kind. They were not kind.

We had an old fellow named Jack Sullivan that some of you might have heard along the way. Jack was a great old-timer in area. And he said, "Sit down." And I learned a lesson that I didn't like, but it's one I pass on to my guys every day today.

He said, "I'm going to tell you something." He said, "Look, you drank for 27 years. You think you're getting credibility back in your life in 6 months. Ain't going to happen, Tim.

Ain't going to work that way." He said, "But here's how it will work, and we'll promise you this. You will get credibility back in your life one day at a time by not drinking and doing the next right thing. And you know what?

It doesn't even sound too good now. You know, and it certainly didn't sound any good then, but it absolutely was the truth as big as I've ever heard it. You will get it back to him, but you only get it one day at a time by not drinking and doing the next right thing.

And what I need to share with you guys, 8 years into my sobriety, I was living by myself, which was common obviously. And uh that Christmas baby called me from Seattle, Washington. He was in Seattle and his butt was on fire and his life was falling apart.

But he called his old man and he knew his old man was different. He knew his old man listened to him when he talked to him finally. He knew his dad was helping people in Alcoholics Anonymous.

He knew that. And he said, "Dad, can I come home and can I live with you?" And he came home when I was eight years sober. And he spent a year with me.

And that gentle healing, you know, one day at a time by not drinking and doing the next right thing started to happen. And today, you know, 19 and a half years after the deal, 11 years since then, 5 years ago, I helped that kid start his own business. He's a glass artist.

He's studied in Seattle, and he's doing very, very well. He has two twin eight-year-old girls. And I will promise you, he loves every second, every minute that those two little girls get to spend with their papas.

They are ready to have another little girl any minute. You know, it could be that today, in fact, could be tomorrow. And they are so excited, you know, anytime they get to bring their kids to spend with their pawpaws.

And I say that guys because if you're new, you know, if you're new, I know you want it all back. If you're new, I know you want, you know, you know, when I first came in, I my thought, my thinking was kind of like, okay, everybody, let's call this thing even, you know, and there was nothing even about anything, right? But I wish it would.

But one day at a time, but not drinking, growing up in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I promise you this that the credibility that does come back is like none other than I would have ever expected or ever asked for. You know, so if you're new and you're struggling with that and I know that you are, you know, I did the teaching and coaching thing for uh the best I could, it it was a mess.

I was sanctioned. I was caught drinking. I was demoted from uh assistant principal to another job.

And I finally decided that I wasn't getting the respect that a guy my stature should be getting. and I left teaching and coaching. I did what every drunk eventually does.

I started my own business, right? Got to try that sooner or later. So, I I left in in the 1980s, started my own uh insurance business.

And again, let me tell you about the 80s, keeping in mind that I got sober April 12th of 1990. I've already told you got divorced for the first time from my original wife, my most frequent wife I call her, in 1983. We divorced in 198 uh remarried 85, divorced in ' 87, remarried again in 1990.

I was engaged to two other women in between time. I was in a nutouse on three different occasions. I got locked up eight times for public intoxication.

I got shot at. I got cut up with a beer bottle and I lost a quarter of a million dollars. And I was thinking this is going okay.

Like we're always the last to know, you know, and we're always the last to know. 1983, you know, I was living with mom and dad. You know, I I started my own company.

I remember I used to run into guys I went to high school with. They said, "Hey, Tim, what are you doing now?" I said, "Well, I'm I'm president of my own company." They say, "No kidding. Where are you living?" I say, "Well, mom and dad from 1982 to 1985, I went through five psychiatrists." And that was a real simple deal.

I kept them till they started talking about alcohol. He started talking about alcohol, fired them, got me a new guy. You know, I was taking every anti-depressant they ever made, drinking whiskey and beer on a daily recipe.

And if you're trying that one, it did not work very well for me as I look back. But that's the best I could do. New Year's Eve 1985, you know, I don't know if you remember these days where you couldn't live drunk and you couldn't live sober.

And and I like to say what I remember the most was that particular day, the thrill was gone. The thrill was gone. No matter how much whiskey I drank that particular day, I the buzz was gone.

There was no buzz. There was no buzz coming back. There was a hollow thing going on all of a sudden and I couldn't do anything about it.

And that was the first my first visit to the asylum. My brother Tommy drugged me up our to our local nutouse which is called Our Lady of Peace. And um I want to tell you the story as I remember it.

I always say someday I'm going to find this nurse and get her version. But this is my alcoholism through and through because this is exactly how it went. They put me into this the nutouse and I was I was drunk.

I was demoralized. I was as suicidal as I've ever been, I guess. And I didn't know what to do with that.

But they sent me down this little room down there. I guess it was a detox room. And this big old nurse came in.

I remember she must have weighed 400 lb. And she sat down next to me and she looked at me and she said, "Well, honey, tell me about it. Honey, tell me about it." I said, "All right, I will." I said, 'You know, in 1983, a couple years ago, my first wife threw me out for no reason that I can think of.

And then I got engaged to this other woman and she took off with a ring before I even paid for it, you know. And oh yeah, you know, I'm working with idiots. You know, I have to do everything in my work.

They don't do anything. Oh yeah, and did I tell you my dad went to prison when when I was 10 years old and all of a sudden I found myself just wrapping all this stuff. I didn't know where it was coming from.

I did notice I was starting to feel better as I was talking. Looked at the nurse after a while. She didn't look too good.

You know, maybe I'm there an hour, hour and a half, two hours, I don't know. But she looked me right in the eye and she said, "Well, honey, you certainly have a right to feel the way you do." I went, "God, you are so right, lady. What was I thinking of?

If people have messed over you like they messed over me, by God, you'd drink and be depressed, too." I'm telling you the truth, guys. I hadn't been there two hours and I was cured. You know, I spent the next 28 days in the hospital kind of trying to help everybody else, you know.

I thought they made me head of the stress class, you know. I got a blue ribbon for the best ceramic in the shop thing, you know. I mean, it was nuts.

See, cuz what had happened was I had momentarily forgot that it wasn't me at all. It was you guys. It had always been you.

You know, that's what I had momentarily forgot. I mean, this is honest as you talk about insanity. About halfway through that trip at the asylum, I was walking down the hall one day and the nurse says, "You want to Would you like a pass out tonight?" I must have thought she said you want to pass out tonight.

I said, "What?" She said, "Yeah, you're doing good. If you want to go out for a couple hours, as long as you're back by curfew, it'll be all right." I said, "That's great." I call my best buddy. He picks me up.

We go right to the watering hole. You know, slam down six, eight beers, you know, get a couple shots of whiskey. Got a big old bottle of wine sitting up there on the table drinking it.

I'm telling about all the people I'm helping back the hospital.4 to 11, we're both drunk and I said, "Hey, I got to be back by curfew 11." And so we we pile in the car, we get back to the nut house and I'm getting out the passenger side to go back in. I look over at the driver's side. He's just got tears streaming down his face.

I said, "What is wrong with you?" He said, "Tim, you don't belong in there." I do. Oh man. And I think I said something like, "You know what?

I think you're right. And when I get out of here, I'll help you. You know, that's 1980.

That's 1985. It was 5 years before I was going to get to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. You know what I did, guys?

I came out of the asylum and I did what I always did. I got me a new girlfriend, got me a new place to live, got me a new business partner. I started over.

I was always starting over, you know. And if you listen to our stories in AA, we're the best starter overs in the world. can't finish much of anything but we can flat start over man and that's what I did you know came back out got married to my most frequent wife again in 1987 I guess it was and bought it you know changed houses changed the scenery and you know as you've heard so many times before wherever you go and there you are and I was still there the drunk was still there and it only got worse and got worse and she finally threw me out late 1989 again and I lived the last six months of my drinking living in the guy's basement uh in south end of Louisville.

And I can't tell you anything, you know, happened there that I can remember that was significant except, you know, now I was a president of my own company living in a basement. You know, I thought thought it was kind of a step up from mom and dad's in some way. But April 12th of 1990, you know, it's kind of uh antilimatic.

I had been out with some guys. I came home to that basement and I set up, drank a couple beers, and dozed off. And I got up like I always did the next day and went into my office April 12th of 1990.

You know, and I'm in a business, guys, where the phone rings constantly. People are in and out of my office constantly. It's that type of business.

April 12th of 1990. I sit down there about 7:30, quarter 8, and I did not move a muscle, you know, till almost quarter till noon. Till noon, 12.

The phone never rang one time. Nobody ever came in that office that day. And I never moved a muscle, you know.

And the book talks about that moment of clarity that book talks about. And I guess that's what went on because the only sensation I had was it's over. It's over.

It's over, Tim. And you know what the problem is. And I reached in my desk drawer and I found a directory of the meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous that a guy had given me like two and a half years before.

And it was right there at my right hand that whole time. And I picked it up that day and for whatever reason, because I didn't know what else to do, I went to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous that day at 3:00 in the afternoon 19 and a half years ago. And what I want to share with you is that, you know, over the last 19 and a half years, you know, I mean, I have, all honesty, I've laughed sometimes so hard in my sobriety, I thought my gut was going to split.

But I've also probably cried as hard or more deeply than I ever thought I could. I have felt sadness more acutely than I ever thought was possible. You know, you know, and the thing was is that, you know, when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I was kind of really hoping that, you know, sobriety was going to be the absence of problems in my life.

And you guys said, "No, no, no, Tim. That's not what it's about, buddy." And thank God what you did say was, "Here's the hit, Tim. Being sober is that you get to do life and everything that goes with it." And what rang a bell with me was back in my day, my wife used to say this to me.

She used to say to me and used to make me so mad. She'd say, 'Tim, you're not even here when you're here. I said, "What do you mean I'm here?" She said, "No, you're not." And see what I understand today about the disease of alcoholism, it's a disease of body, mind, and spirit.

And if you can only bring your body and you can't bring your mind and you can't bring your spirit, you can't be a dad, you can't be a husband, you can't be a granddad, you can't be much of anything. Who wants a body? And see, so many times, guys, that's all that I could ever bring when I did that.

See, I didn't understand the spiritual malady of alcoholism. I didn't understand the obsession. And the obsession was this.

Either I was drinking, I was thinking about drinking, or I was thinking about me. You know, that's that's who I was. And you know what?

If that's your deal, you pretty much are cut off from life. You pretty much can't be much of anything. I just didn't know that.

But the greatest gift you've given me, you said, Tim, here's the good thing about sobriety. You get to be a part of life, body, mind, and spirit. And thank God for that.

In the last 19 and a half years, you know, I've had that one kid who killed himself. I had a guy I sponsored got shot down in the streets of Louisville about three years ago. I was eight years sober.

I've lost my mom. I've lost my dad. You know, I've had another divorce in in in uh sobriety.

You know, life continues on. The good news is most of the time I've been able to show up in body and mind and spirit. And that was the promise that you gave me.

And that's what recovery and that's what sobat has done to me. And let me tell you what that gift is. That means a guy like me can set up in a treehouse with his four little his three little eight-year-old grandkids for two and three hours at a time.

And a guy like me didn't do that. See, cuz I couldn't because my mind needed to be somewhere else. I can sit on the floor and play trucks with my four-year-old grandson for hours.

And you have to understand, guys, a guy like me just couldn't do that. And see, that's the gift. That's the gift is I get to be a part of things finally.

I don't know about you guys, I didn't even realize I wasn't. I didn't even realize that life was going on without Tim Highland most of the time. And I say that to you because our book very clearly says it, you know, and what you realize and we're going to talk about this weekend is this when we stop drinking is just the beginning of clearing up this thing called alcoholism, which is a spiritual malady that scars and mars the spirit.

Okay? And we need to learn as the book talks about to move out of this crazy thing called our mind where the problem centers to our heart you know and and and learn to participate and speak in the language of alcoholics anonymous which is the language of the heart. You know when I showed up to alcoholic I told you I uh I owed people about a quarter of a million dollars and I owed that to people who really wanted it back.

They really did. And they really bothered me about it a lot, which I thought was not very nice. You know, you're trying to get sober and people are bothering you all the time about this.

And I'm g tell you this story because this will also you you're going to hear it over and over this weekend because it's become the pivot for my sobriety because, you know, I was so fear-based and I owe a quarter of a million dollars. And like any good drunk, I'm going into my office every day thinking, you know, like we all do, one big deal to come up with a quarter of a million dollars, right? And I'd get all nervous and I'd shuffle papers backwards and forwards and you know about 10:00 in the morning I just freeze up, go home, get in my bed, get in the ball and just you know hide and I I'm a year sober almost doing this and I it's just it's driving me insane.

I'm in a meeting like this one night and I'm whining about this my business and this old guy says, "Sit down here with with me and talk to me about that business of yours. You owe so much money." I said, "Well, our our business opens at 8:00." He said, "Good, Tim. be there at 8:00.

Not 8:10. Be there at 8:00. What's next?

I said, "Well, I'm supposed to make my sales calls." He said, "Good, Tim. Go make your sales calls." "What's next?" I said, "Well, I'll go to lunch." He said, "Well, wait, Tim, go to lunch." "Tim, come back from lunch." I said, "That's a that's a good one. I had problem with that." "What's next?" I said, "Well, I'll come home and do my do my paperwork." He said, "Good.

What's next?" I said, "Well, work's over at 4:45." He said, "Good, Tim. Go home one time. Have dinner with your family.

Go to your meeting. Come home. Say your prayers." And then he leveled me with the big one and he said, "And Tim, do the same thing the next day." And I remember thinking, "Man, what a concept." >> You know, every day you like do that every day.

And see what I've come to learn, what I call it today is that he was telling me to learn to do the stitches and leave the patterns up to God. Tim, you do the stitches and leave the patterns up to God. And that sounds so neat.

See, but for me guys, when I start stitching, I immediately start thinking, "What am I making? Hat, pants, shirt, and when's it going to be done? And what color is it?" And they said, "No, no, no, no, no.

You just stitch." And trust this that the pattern that's going to develop is going to be far better than the one that you would ever pick out in the first place. Just stitch. You know, and I say that because that's become something.

And when I talk to the guys I sponsor, they get sick of listening to this, but I actually got it from my own sponsor. do the stitches and leave the patterns up to God. I'll tell you a real quick sequel to that story.

Five years later, five years later, I come home from a home group one day and I just stitched. I did what that old man told me and I remember many days thinking, "This is stupid. This is stupid.

I'm never going to pay that money off. Never going to pay that money off." But I kept stitching. Five years later, I came in one day and there was seven phone messages.

Six of them were from AA guys and the last one was from the local business newspaper. So, I call my a guys and then I call this reporter. This reporter says, "Mr.

Highland, look, we would like to do an article on your business. It's been recognized as one of the fastest growing businesses of its kind in the Louisville area." I said, "That'd be great." She said, here's her first question. She says, "Would you tell me what it was you did to start turning your business around?" I said, "Well, see, our business opens every day at 8:00." And I went right through the deal, guys.

right through the deal, you know, and and uh you know, I go to lunch, I come back from lunch, I do my paperwork, I go home and I I do that every day, man. And there's like when I'm finished, there's like silence on the other end of the phone and I immediately know there's not going to be an article. And see the other thing, the other thing, there's a part of me, there's a part of me screaming, tell her, tell her that you came up with this incredible idea.

You pulled yourself up by your bootstraps and you saved this thing. There was a part of me wanting to tell her that, but there was other part of me said, "No, tell the truth. Tell her this.

All you did, stupid, was the simple stitches of suiting up and showing up every day." And this incredible pattern developed. It took me nine years, guys, to pay off that quarter of a million dollars, you know. And I did it the same way that old man told me about just simply suiting up and showing up one day at a time.

You know, I had I have lots of problems, as you heard, with relationships, and there's nothing funny about that. You know, I was telling somebody the other day, and this is honest God, true story, in early in my uh sobriety, obviously, I was having marital problems. So, I found these three geniuses in AA.

Three geniuses. And they said, "Tim, your problem is you you don't have any commu uh communication skills." He said, "You you basically came into A with survival skills, and there's only two, fight or flee, which is basically screw you. I'm out of here." Right?

That's the translation. And then when he said that, I thought, you got a point there. you know, that kind of was my whole my whole uh arsenal.

So, he said, "We're going to give you some tools to work with here." So, the first guy says, "Tim, when people confront you or she says something to you, you just say back to her, well, how can I help? How can I help?" So, I said, "All right, that's that's pretty good." He said, "Because it throws it back in their lap if you ask them how you can help." And I said, "Well, what if you find people don't want your help?" And they said, "Well, you just tell them, I'm sorry you feel that way." So, I got how can I help? I'm sorry you feel that way.

And the third idiot says, "Hey," and invalidate people by telling them they may be right. So, man, I got my tools, right? How can I help?

Sorry you feel that way. Hey, you might be right. And like any good drunk, I'm wearing it out, right?

For the next six weeks at work, at home. I'm just How can I help? Hey, sorry you feel that way.

Hey, you might be right. Came home from my men's Tuesday night meeting one time. I mean, it was a great meeting, right?

Spiritually, I'm just way up there. I'm kind of coming in the house on my wings, you know, just really I'm really up there and I go sit down at the kitchen table like this and all hell's breaking loose in my house. You know, my wife's yelling at my daughter, my daughter's yelling at her brothers and they're yelling at her and I'm sitting there waiting and my wife comes into the kitchen.

Before I could say anything, she said, "And don't give me that how can you help shit." I said, "Honey, I'm sorry you feel that way." And then she said, "You asshole." I said, "Well, you might be right." Oh man. Now, here's the deal. Here's the disclaimer.

You know, I usually have a couple of new guys are out there writing that stuff down like this. If you use them, you're on your own. You're on your own.

You didn't hear it from me. Let me finish up or head home with this. Is that um you know, the divorces weren't funny.

We laugh about it, but you know, divorce when you're drunk is one thing. Divorce and sobriety is is is not it's hurtful. When I was four years sober, you know, I mean, on my way to being a giant and alcoholic synonymous, I lose my marriage.

And uh it was it was hurtful. And and that was to my original wife. And I marched on from 1994 to about 1998, you know, helping newcomers and, you know, not that I didn't want to have a relationship.

We all do. But, you know, I realized things weren't going too well in that area. But I did start thinking, you know what?

Maybe the problem was is that I need to find somebody who's on the same spiritual path as me. Yeah, that's it. I need to find a woman in Alcoholics Anonymous and we can march down the path of road to happy destiny together.

That's what I need. And you know what? She showed up like that.

I don't know where she came from, you know, kind of made it happen. And and really she's a good AA person. And we had about an 8-month uh courtship.

And we had this big AA wedding in 1998, you know, and and I actually thought, guys, it was the best thing that God ever created. Lasted eight months. Eight months.

And it crashed down like nothing, you know. It was just really painful. So now it's right in the middle of AA.

And you know, and the truth was with me, it was a real transforming point because I thought, you know, deep down, what's your problem, man? Tim, what is wrong with you? what is your problem that you cannot have a decent relationship with somebody of the opposite sex?

you know, and and it was very very humbling and it really put me in hopefully we'll talk about this weekend and in looking at what the six and seven step were all about cuz see I kind of misinterpreted that. I thought it was my job to kind of get rid of those character defects and I didn't understand that that was nothing about me getting rid of them that it was all about me getting about the business of helping God's kids and that he would take care of that and you know I pretty much did that and the guy who's my sponsor today Don M you know worked with me a lot on that and I and I went on and I really dedicated myself to helping other people and got clear of that thing for a while and uh you know went forward and just to show you you know how God works in strange and very mysterious ious ways. Two years after that, or a little bit after that, I'm at home one day and my mother and my children, my most frequent wife, calls and says, "What are you doing?" I said, "Well, nothing.

You know, I'm by myself." She said, "I'm taking the kids on a vacation. Would you like to go?" I said, "Well, sure." You know, I mean, I got nothing to do. And we took these kids on a vacation, you know, to South Carolina.

And here's somebody, you just heard the story that I've known since we were 17 years old. But this time, we went, you know, on a whole different basis. We went as friends.

We went as co-parents you know uh we went as people who loved these children you know and uh had been divorced at that time what five to six years you know and what happened was incredibly a whole new relationship developed you know we started actually being friends for the first time in our life we actually started being parents and co-parents for the first time in our life you know and we just started walking this incredible different journey you know and basically I eventually I sold my house and I moved in with her and 2002. Actually, we were sitting there one day and I looked at her and she looked at me. I said, "Well, what do you think?" You know, here's the hit, guys.

On November the 28th, this coming November the 28th, we will be celebrating our 39th gross anniversary. Don't ask me what the net is. I have no idea.

And you know what? It's it it's totally incredible. I mean, the life we have today, she's become my best friend.

She's become my best buddy. We walk together every day, you know. We she comes on trips with me quite a bit today.

You know, and I remember saying to my sponsor, "Is this pretty insane?" He goes, "Well, yeah, that's pretty insane, but but he said this." He said, "Tim, maybe if our book is about anything, if the steps are about anything, they are about transformation." Transformation. And you know what transformation is? You don't know when it's going to happen.

You don't know how it's going to look. And you don't know who's going to be involved with it. Cuz you know what?

God transforms. We don't. We don't.

We plant the seed. We water it. God grows it.

Right? And you know, I have to believe that's what's happened. I have to believe because you heard what you just heard.

I had to believe some days when, you know, she hasn't changed in many ways and when I knew her, you know, many years ago, but somehow I look at and go, what was the problem in the first place? You know, something has changed. the power has been redistributed somewhere along the line.

You know, that's all I can tell you. And we're very, very happy. You know, I'll tell you this and uh we'll head toward the barn here is that I had three kids.

I told you the Christmas baby and another son. And then my daughter, my baby girl was her daddy's daughter. You know, in fact, this kid when she was a little toddler, her first little phrase was is I'll do it myself.

Her second little phrase was, "You're not the boss to me." you know, so I knew she was going to be the one and she was she was a Hellcat and and she uh she was just like me and she drank just like me and uh just, you know, drove her mother insane and uh she about I guess seven, eight years ago now left Louisville. Very talented girl, just beautiful, beautiful, tall, blonde, blue-eyed art. She's an artist and just was a great athlete and uh but boy, she she liked to drink.

and she left Louisville and she went to Chicago to the Art Institute there and went on a run from there to Los Angeles. And guys, about 7 and 1/2 years ago, I guess it is now, she came back to Louisville to visit. And here's what I saw.

You know, I saw my baby girl and she's uh her eyes were all caved in, her cheeks were caved in, her teeth were falling out, you can almost count her ribs. She was living in her car in the streets of Los Angeles, you know, and she was living strictly on a liquid diet. And of course when she was home to visit us, you know, she's like nothing's wrong, you know, and I knew what was happening.

I knew she was dying of the disease of alcoholism. And she left and she went back to LA, you know, and I waited as many of us have to do for that call cuz I knew one day there was going to be a call one way or the other. And about seven and a half years ago, I got that call, you know, and it was her and she was alive but barely.

And she said, "Daddy, I need help and what can I do?" Here's what I want to share with you guys. By that time, I'm 12 years sober in AA. I'm sponsoring all kinds of guys at home.

You know, I'm speaking, you know, out a lot. And, you know, if you bring me anybody, I know what we're going to do, right? We're going to get together.

We're going to get on our knees and do the third step. I want to tell you something. All of a sudden, when it's your baby girl and she's 2,000 mi away, you can't get your hand on her.

I mean, I want to tell you what went through my head all of a sudden was, "Hey, Tim, what do you think about ANA now, buddy? What do you think about these 12 steps now, buddy? What about this God that you're understanding now, buddy?

Is it good enough for her? And I need to be honest with you guys. There was one part of me that was so strong I wanted to get on an airplane and go out there and bring my child home.

But there was another part that came from somewhere. And what I said to her was, "Honey, here's a man's name in Los Angeles in Alcoholics Anonymous. I hope you'll call." And I hung up that phone.

You guys, I want to tell you, I cried like a baby for an hour cuz I thought, you know, it's 50/50 here. whether I'm going to go bring her home in a box or she'll make that call. But here's what I also wanted to tell you is what I also knew.

I told her the truth. I only have one thing to give and it's the same thing that Bill gave to Bob. It's the same thing that my sponsor gave to me.

I don't have anything else. It's the only thing that I know that's worked for people like me and like you for 70 years. I don't have anything else to give.

I don't care if it's my child or not my child. I didn't know that. And it was a tremendous, you know, point of surrender for me in my program.

You know, I can't tell you. But, you know, the good news, I need to tell you this. Last July, her, her mother and I got on an airplane and we went out to Los Angeles, California to help her take her seven-year cake.

She She's a beautiful member of Alcoholics Anonymous out there and and her life's going great and I just can't tell you, you know, and that's what I'm saying. And I'll finish up by saying this that and and if anything does comes through this weekend is that I love Alcoholics Anonymous. And I hope you can see why, you know, because I want Alcoholics Anonymous to be here, you know, just like it was for me in the same form it was for me.

Just like it was for her in Los Angeles when she made that call. And I got six grandb babies, seven on the way. And I've already picked out two of those little suckers.

You know that, you know, looks like they might be the one. But if they are, I want the rooms of alcoholic Thomas to be here. And I want the the principles of alcoholic synonymous to be in place the same way they've been in place here.

And so, you know, I really look forward to being here this weekend with you guys. Uh, you know, we'll try to talk about the steps a little bit and uh, you know, and I'll just say this, I don't know anything. You just heard, you were probably saying, "Boy, that guy's story.

I think I'm going to go on home." Um, but uh I don't have anything that I know. I can share with you what my experiences have been and what other people have shared with being Alcoholics Anonymous. And I look forward to doing that this weekend.

And uh keep a close eye on me because if you see me kind of wandering around down there by the lake with that goofy look in my face, just come down. And what's happening is I'm probably starting to notice I'm not getting respect to the man of my statue. Love you guys.

Good morning everybody. Good to be here. Good to be here.

I don't care about the snoring too much, but those bears, that was another question, that's for sure. Were there really bears out there? >> Come on guys, be straight with me.

They're really Yeah. Okay. That's good.

>> They only go for the slowest guy. Like that's probably me. >> Those are the nice bears.

Yeah. How about this phone up here, guys? There's a bunch of girls phone numbers on there.

I don't know if you want. It's yours. Is it?

Oh, it's good to be here this morning. Feel a lot better. I got a good night's sleep, believe it or not.

And uh I didn't know there was bears there. Didn't care. So, was it good to good to be home, as I said, and be with my own people.

As I I said, I was two very toxic days down in Phoenix with that business thing. And uh I I can't tell you how good it feels to be amongst uh my own kind and uh you know feel feel safe again and uh it's good to be here. Beautiful beautiful place.

I uh if you would Rick I I brought you know I told you I was a former teacher and and coach so you know teachers always have handouts and so uh I actually brought you guys a handout. I call it my uh I call it my pocket emergency card. Uh it actually is a trifold.

You can fold it up and put it in your wallet and uh I give it to the guys I sponsor and it's kind of a it's the things that I use daily on a maintenance basis and I just have to keep it handy because I don't stay I don't stay serene very long and it's got the serenity prayer in it. The third and sevenstep prayer. On the front it says do the stitches and leave the patterns up to God.

And on the back, we're going to talk about this a little bit, you know, when we get to the maintenance steps, uh what I call the daily keynotes, which were given to me by uh by my sponsor. And uh hope you guys will keep these and put them in your wallet, and we'll uh talk about all these things a little bit, you know, uh as we go through this weekend. You know, I was telling Rick on the way over, when you're asked to do uh something like this a weekend, it's it's pretty intimidating.

uh one, you know, because there's a lot of guys in this room that have a lot more years soiety than I do and and I know a lot of you have been around and you know, I know that you've had guys here to uh to talk to you, Tom High being one of them that I know very well, who are guys that, you know, have been my heroes and icons in Alcoholics Anonymous. And so, I mean, I need to say that because I don't have anything new to tell you probably. I mean, I know you guys know the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Most of you, a lot of you, if you've been around backwards and forwards and and as I said last night, you know, alls I can really ever do and what I'm asked to do is carry my own experience, strength, and hope. Uh, you know, and I really maybe a little bit of a comment on that as we start out. You know, I think I don't know about up here, but down in our area, you know, what's happened, as I kind of alluded to last night, is we've gotten so smart, you know, in Alcoholics Anonymous, uh, we've gotten real educated.

And sometimes I wonder how those old guys that had to get sober way back in the day ever got sober, you know, cuz they didn't, uh, back in the day, as you well know, they really didn't study the big book. That really didn't come back into vogue, I think, until about the 70s. And uh you know they certainly didn't have all the stuff that we have today in terms of how to study the big book and uh you know workshops on you know all the steps.

Uh those poor old suckers you know they just had to stay sober by you know by helping each other you know and I love we were talking last night about the old guys and guys that are 40 years and more. I love to be around them because all they'll ever talk about is, you know, is, well, you know, uh, on Monday night they told me to be out on the curb and Jack and Joe were going to pick me up and Tuesday night they told me to be out in front of the house and three or four other guys are going to pick me up and and that's the way they did AA. You know, all they knew is that they had to to stay into action and they had to help each other.

And I say that because, you know, somewhat, you know, as we've gone on with this, we can't help but get cerebral about it, right? and and down around our place, we've got people who are teaching the steps. We've got a lot of people are preaching about the steps.

And if anything, this weekend, you know, the thing that I would like to do is talk about a step use because all I can really tell you is they they were given to me to use. And over the last 19 and a half years, when I've chosen to follow them and use them, uh, my life's been pretty good. and when I've chosen not to follow them and use them, my life has not been very good.

And so, this is going to be a step use uh weekend in terms of talking about the steps cuz that's the way I was brought up in Alcoholics Anonymous. And, you know, I'm not going to be very complicated about this. For those of you who came to, you know, get some really new and uh uh insights about this whole thing, you're not going to get them from me.

you know, probably what you're going to hear from me is uh the same old same old because, you know, the good part about this thing for me is that it's only complicated, you know, if I let my mind make it and I do. But the bottom line about the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is it's a real real simple deal. And thank God for that, you know, thank God for that.

You know, I'm uh I like to stay pretty much with the literature. I like to stay pretty much with the book. However, um you know, I was listening last night.

I love to listen. You know, I was I was so tired last night. I could not keep my eyes open, but I wanted to stay for that meeting and listen to you guys because, you know, you know, we we talk a lot in Alcoholics Anonymous.

You know, I had this thought one time. Think about this. Wonder if one day God turned the sound off in Alcoholics Anonymous.

One day he turns the sound off. Now, my question would be, would it still work? Think about that.

Can't hear you. You can't hear me. Could Alcoholics Anonymous still work?

And I thought about it. I said, "Yeah, I think it could still work." You know why? Because I would watch you see and I would watch you guys standing around, you know, talking to each other.

I would watch your example after the meeting cleaning up everything. I would watch one guy, you know, pull another guy off to the side and spend his time talking with that guy. You know, when I'm at home, I watch people take somebody in their car and drive them all the way across town after the meeting.

See, if I could just watch you, Alcoholics Anonymous would work for me. And see, that's a real important message to me because, see, it is all about what I do and not what I say. It's all about what I do and not what I think.

And that's really good news. That's really good news for a guy like me cuz I had a really screwy mind and I still do, you know, and I I don't think the way that I should think most of the time. And as I said last night, I get caught up in my own feelings and thoughts and beliefs.

And you guys said, "Hey, we don't care. Are you willing to act in the way that we suggest that you act? If you are, then you're going to be okay, Tim.

You know, you might be crazy as as hell most of the time, but you're going to be okay." But anyway, I was listening to some of you guys share last night and uh you know Derek, I don't know where you are, especially you and and the spot that you were in uh right now, you know, after being around. And what he was sharing was that he came in and he had that initial, you know, pink cloud and boy, this is a good deal. And I'm all on fire and then all of a sudden he ran into that gray spot where everything just grays out.

And you know, I need to tell you that if anything this weekend is going to be about, it's about, you know, how the steps have been so important to drag me through all those gray areas in my life when they've popped up. Because you see, although the book said very clearly that I will be rocketed to a fourth dimension of living, and I have been, I just don't stay there very long. You know, I just don't stay Derek in that fourth dimension all the time.

and and you know, but isn't that the truth? And and I want to give you a couple visuals here that that have helped me. And this these had nothing to do with Alcoholics Anonymous.

There's a u a guy that that I listen to u he's actually a Catholic priest and his name is Richard Roar. He's a Franciscan priest and he's not alcoholic, but he's been fascinated by the 12 steps in Alcoholics Anonymous. He's a spiritual lecturer and uh he actually has done a couple tapes on the 12 steps and what Roar actually says he says that he believes that the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous will be the you know American contribution to spirituality when history looks back on our uh era that the 12 steps of alcoholic synonymous will be looked at as the sign most profound spiritual you know things introduced into u into this century and you know and to that end you know what he he uh he has a a set of tapes that he put out and he starts it off with this poem and I don't know the poem but the essence of the poem was this he said he a man built his house by the ocean and for a long long time you know he existed in in exact harmony with the ocean and he would watch the ocean every morning and it was it was you know so beautiful and he'd listen to the ocean.

Then they went on in this relationship for a long time. But then one day, Derek, the ocean washed up across his home and completely submerged that house underwater. His friend, his life, everything is had been going so well.

And all of a sudden now, what had been what he thought was the way it should be now had washed over him. And the in the essence of the poem at the very end he says of what he realized at that point in time that he had to learn now to breathe underwater. Breathe underwater.

And what roar he used that analogy as to what the 12 steps of alcoholic synonymous are meant to be for me and for you. Is that when we show up you know life has washed us under and we're gasping for air and we're trying to figure out how this is all going to work. and what the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous truly have been for me over the last 19 and a half years when I've been washed under unexpectedly.

You know, these steps have been the mechanism that you gave me to breathe underwater. I was talking to somebody else today. You know, all of a sudden the problem with my story when I tell it, I become the relationship expert, right?

Everybody wants to run to me and said, you know, I've got this divorce going on. Tim, what do you think? My sponsor told me one time, said, "Tim, for you to give anybody, you know, directions or on a relationship should be a felony offense." But my point is is that, you know, isn't this true?

You know, isn't this true that the journey in sobriety, it's very clear, is sooner or later for all of us going to be about learning to breathe underwater. And sometimes we pop out, you know, and everything is great and sunny and sunshining and we just love that. But the reality is we don't stay there.

The reality is sooner or later that ocean is going to wash over us whether we like it or not. And so I say that for this weekend, whatever you got going on, you know, if if you're sitting there and you feel like you're underwater a little bit, that hopefully this weekend we can talk about, you know, I don't know that I can get you out of the water. I don't know if I can pull you out, but I think you know what I've been taught by the guys ahead of me is how to how to keep breathing, how to stay alive, okay, until God receds that water and takes it back away.

Cuz see, that's really the deal. You know, I'm not going to get myself out of that water. And the other part, Derek, I want to share with you and and kind of visualize this and someday I want to see this picture.

Roar talks about a picture that he has in his office. He said the pictures of a man and the man is stretched out like this and on one hand there's an old rusty chain with a big old black dog on it and on the other hand there's a silver golden thread with a white swan. And his point was is that what spirituality really is to him is holding those two things.

the old black nasty dog on the chain and the white swan on the golden thing is holding those two things in a loving tension. And see, that really became important to me because Derek, what I heard you say last night, you know, when you showed up at Alcoholics Anonymous, like we all do, if you were like me, that old dog was dragging my butt all around. You know, I was hanging on for dear life on the dark side and that dog was just dragging me.

got an AA though after a while. You all hooked me up with the swan. All right.

And I'll be darn if the swan didn't take off and I was just floating all around for a long time. Me and the swine looking down on you people. All right.

And you see what he's saying is neither one of those in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is where we want to end up on the best days that I have is that I've got the old dog and I know he's still there. He ain't going away. And I've got my swan, you know, the beautiful swine that my best days in Alcoholics Anonymous is when I work the steps the way they've been designed is I can hold those two things in a loving tension.

You see, that's really important for me to understand because I have to be honest with you. When I got here, I was like, the dog is going away. I'm never going to see that old sucker again.

And me and the swan are going to fly around together forever and ever. this 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and you know took me a while to understand that you know isn't it interesting that for years you know prior to Alcoholics Anonymous they didn't know what to do with people like us the medical profession didn't know what to do with us you know the uh the even the religious you know side of it didn't know what to do with us you know I told you I came from that Irish Catholic family and my daddy took the pledge if you're a Catholic you know what that is you know and I look back on it And what an awful thing cuz what he had to do to stop his drinking, he had to go between with his priest in front of God, another person and the priest pledged that he would not pick up a drink of alcohol. And you know what happened every time?

You know, he lasted about 6 months and then he would pick up and then boy, you talk about guilt, shame, and remorse because not only did you let yourself down, you now you've done it in front of God and your cath and your Catholic priest. But that's all they had going back in those days, you know. And that's what I'm saying, you know, is that the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous never ceases to amaze me.

You know, the miracle that somehow, and here's the hit, because back in those days, what they understood was these guys can't drink successfully and they locked them up and they did all the things physically they thought that would deal with them. That will stop them from drinking, right? What they didn't understand is what Silkworth, you know, incredibly uncovered, you know, in his deal is that no, there's there's something else with these guys.

Not only don't they stop drinking when they start, there's something going on, you know, deep down inside of them that we can't exactly figure out. But what Silk Worth figured out is unless they deal with that, whatever that is, uh, they really don't have much chance to stay sober. You know what an incredible You think back to the 1930s, guys.

What are the chances of a physician, you know, coming up with that thought? You know, I mean, it just gives me chills sometime when I read that chapter over and over. And what they somehow knew was that, yeah, we could stop drinking.

The problem was we always started again. And so, whatever this spiritual mess was down inside of us was going to take a process. And that's why when you think about the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, it's pretty miraculous that they understood that we're going to have to give them a daily program of maintenance to somehow quell that fire that's deep down inside so they don't go back together again.

So the other thing I wanted to say is keep in mind, you know what I just said, where are you with that? Where are you today with the old rusty dog on the chain and the and the swan on the golden thread, you know, and see what I tell you is on any given day it's a little bit this way for me or a little bit this way, you know, and the deal I have to understand is and the steps clearly say this in 101 is that, you know, I don't get attached to either one. My deal is is to come back to that loving tension between the two.

See, because you know, if you listen to my story last night, we were talking about this a little bit today. You know, uh 19 and a half years sober. You know, I got divorced when I was four years sober.

I got divorced when I was nine years sober. You know, I could tell you a lot of other things in those 19 and a half years I'm not very proud of. You know, I'll tell you a story.

For example, every time I get on an airplane in 2001, listen to this date. We were talking about going skiing and I took my family skiing to Colorado in April of 2001 and we were in the Denver airport and uh my son said, "Dad, I forgot my cell phone. I left it up in the cab." So I told the rest of my family, my kids, my wife, stay here.

We're going to go back and get the cell phone. Be right back. Thought I had plenty of time to get on the plane.

Go up and get the phone. As we coming back to the gate, I'm seeing they're shutting the door to the airplane. The next thing I know, I'm up at the door pulling the door saying, "Let me on the GD airplane.

I'm getting on." The stewardistes are yelling for security. I'm saying, "My family's on the airplane." My son is saying, "Dad, what are you doing? Have you lost your mind?" Guys, I'm going to tell you, if that was after 911 2011, you'd have a different speaker today, you know?

And here I was at that point in time, you know, what, 12 years sober. That's not very pretty stuff, you know. But my point is is that, you know, my whole journey has been about falling down, bloody my nose, scraping my knees, and getting back up and saying, "Dad, father, you know, help me.

Help me stumble back uphill, you know, just a little more each day." And and that's what this is about. And I say that because one of the things I'd like all of you to do right now is over the next 24 hours is kind of do a gauge on where are you with that whole thing about the dark side and the gift side. You see I really thought that the steps were about getting rid of that whole dark side completely and that someday I would be this spiritual giant.

Okay. When I first came into AA, again, I don't know about you guys, I didn't really understand this whole thing about spirituality. I knew I was messed up.

That was for sure. But I actually remember sitting around when I was early sober thinking about how I might look someday in Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, and I had this idea that I'd be this kind of white-haired guy, very astute, very, very cool looking, you know. I wouldn't ever say much in the meeting, you know.

I'd probably smoke a pipe. If I sit around in meetings, smoke a pipe and look really spiritual, maybe maybe once or twice a year I'd get up and say something really profound, you know, and all and everybody go, "Woo, that old guy's really got it." You know, I kind of thought of myself like as the Gandhi of Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, I mean, that's actually going through my head. I don't know what spirituality is.

I I think I know what it should look like. And almost immediately I started gauging what the spiritual Tim should look like. You see that's total insanity.

I had no more idea what the spiritual Tim should look like than the man in the moon. I just think I do, you know. And you know, I remember thinking two years sober after my birthday.

We celebrate my birthday on a Saturday morning, my AA birthday, for no reason I can remember except I probably wasn't getting the, you know, respect that a guy two years sober should be getting. But I went home that morning, sat down on the end of my bed, and just completely lost my mind. You know, I started screaming at the top of my lungs.

I tore the drapes off the wall. I flipped the furniture over. My my kids showed up at the door, looking at me like they used to when I was drunk and saying, "Dad, what is going on?" What was going on?

Two years dry as a bone in aa I had a Saturday morning and I didn't know what to do with myself for the rest of that day. You know, I was still at that point where, you know, what now? What do you do with this stuff that I'm carrying inside of me?

How do I live through this Saturday with the insane rage and the insane thinking that's going on within me? You know, and I was just moving to a point to understand what many of you know today is that you I was just getting to the point, Derek, of what Alcoholics Anonymous is really all about. You know, there's an old there's a person around our area says that, you know, sooner or later as you hang around here, you run right into yourself.

Sooner or later, you're going to run right into yourself. And what they meant is you're going to run into that part of you that the steps were designed to help you with, you know, and that's the real deal. And thank God, you know, we were talking today about divorces and about things like that.

over the last 19 and a half years as I ran into that that dark side of myself, that old rusty dog, you guys kept me in the loop of Alcoholics Anonymous, you asked me to stay in the process of the of the 12 steps and I made it through, you know, and that's as good as it's been for me, you know. I wish I could have told you so because, you know, nothing is farther from the truth that I've looked spiritual at times. I certainly haven't.

you know, talked spiritual times. I certainly have not, you know, but the good news is, you know, is that's not the way it was supposed to be. You know, one of the things I want to share with you about the steps as a group before we start talking about them individually, the way I was brought up in Alcoholics Anonymous and I and I and I don't like controversy and aa because I I don't think it serves any purpose and that's the way I was brought up by my sponsor.

But the way I was sponsored and he was sponsored is that we were looked at the 12 steps is that the first nine steps are the program or are the program of recovery. The first nine steps. And then when you've done those first nine steps, you have done the program of recovery as as directed in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And then 10, 11, and 12 are the daily maintenance steps that we use the rest of the way to to do this deal. Now again, that's the way I was raised. Uh, and let me tell you, I mean, obviously there's a lot of people that look at that a lot differently.

I mean, a lot of people who do multiple fourth and fifth steps and that type of a thing. You know, I guess I was basically brought up that all those components of the first nine steps obviously are in 10, 11, and 12. And so, in my 10step process, there's a lot of obviously fourth and fifth step work that goes on.

So, I mean, you're kind of splitting hairs with it, and it's not worth an argument over. I just want you to know how I was raised in AA. And so, when I talk about the steps, you know, I uh I talk about them in that that vein.

And and when I do the steps with my guys, you know, that's kind of how we set out with it, the first nine. Uh because again, let me tell you the other thing why uh my sponsor kind of wanted me to do it that way. The reason he said is that after step nine, he wanted me to understand that I was recovered and capable.

Recovered and capable meaning that I was capable to go out in the world now as a sober person and live life on life's terms. Is that I wasn't a victim any longer and I wasn't dependent any longer. And I don't know about you guys, but again down around us.

I mean, we've got guys four, three, four, five years sober sitting in the token clubs all day long, still victims. Boy, I could get a job. I wish I could get a job, you know.

But you understand, you know, I am I am an alcoholic, you know. And I really think this is so important. And one of the key things you heard my story last night, you know, is understanding that the 12 steps are always about my powerlessness and God's power and my responsibility.

Think about it. Steps 1, 2, and three, my powerlessness, God's power. Steps four through nine are my responsibility to clean up my mess.

And step 10, 11, and 12 are some combination, right, of God's power and my responsibility. You know, and I say that because, you know, I can go in the token club and sit there all day and say, "Boy, I wish I had a job." But I probably need to be out putting applications in, right? If I want a job.

Yeah. God's power, but my responsibility. That's always going to be the case, you know?

And I love responsibility in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, thank God for it because, you know, that I understood a lot a lot quicker than I understood this whole thing about powerlessness. It took me a little bit of time on that.

Um, as I said, the other thing is is I I don't, you know, there's the way I was raised today. Consider this a workshop because, you know, when you when you get into this whole process, it's very easy to think and that's why I'm thinking of, you know, a lot of people today have gotten to this idea. We have a program at Louisville called Recovery Dynamics and we have a huge place called the healing place that was established and it's a good deal, probably 200 men now.

you know, it's a homeless shelter and they started a program called Recovery Dynamics, which is uh was brought to Louisville by Joel McQueeny and his program out of Little Rock, Arkansas. And it's designed around the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. The problem with it is when you're teaching or teaching or 200 men a program, it can't help but become, you know, systematic.

And so when you talk to the guys that I sponsor in the healing place, you know, they will talk about that they they well I can't go on to step three because you know I haven't finished my worksheet on this thing and it's all structured. You write as if you know it was a course in your in school which just drives me insane. See because there's nothing farther from the truth about the 12 steps.

There's no learning curve with the 12 steps. You know that's what I'm saying. If there was, those old those poor unfortunate guys that had to get sober way back in the day would have never been able to get sober.

You know, it's a simple process of action. And that's why when I ever talk about this, I always talk about a step use, you know, session, not a step workshop because, you know, I don't want anybody the idea that it's a cognitive function. The purpose of the steps for me is what is to find the power, you know, cuz I didn't have any.

Now again, that's not what I thought when I showed up. You know, in all honesty, I don't know about you guys. I used to sit around when I first got here and I'd raise my hand.

I'd say, "I'm Tim. I'm an alcoholic." And that's the part you heard. What you didn't hear was, "But not quite like you guys.

I am just a little bit different, you know, and obviously that is the deal, right? I talked about last night, you know, I did it, he didn't do it." that being a little bit different. We might laugh about it, but it's the part that kills us, right?

It's the part that separates us from the herd. It's the point, the part that takes us out. And I guess the other thing, too, was I don't know about you guys, I even when I first put my hand up and I said, "I'm an alcoholic," I couldn't have defined that for you.

I had no idea what alcoholic was. I had no idea what alcoholism was for sure. And you know the good news is in AA they said you know you don't have to know that you don't even have to buy into the whole thing but if you have nowhere else to go I heard Ron say that last night don't you stay here and listen to everybody and see maybe how that might work in your life you know cuz the deal was what you know my best thinking and my best actions at that point in time had me living in a basement having had lost my family you know my kids and everything I owned again.

Uh, and that's the best I can do. Um, I did, you know, I put some notes down here so I don't get lost on this thing. I want to make sure that I, you know, hit the hit the things that I want to talk about.

You know, one of the things that, you know, you'll hear it over and over again and and I never understood this until, you know, I got into it was, you know, my feelings, thoughts, and beliefs. And I said this last night and think about it. You know, I don't know if there's anything we can do about this.

You know, when I showed up here, I was all about my feelings, thoughts, and beliefs. You know, I'd always been about my feelings, thoughts, and beliefs. And you know what I realized today is that thank God, you know, you all weren't too interested in my feelings, thoughts, and beliefs.

In fact, you weren't interested at all about my feelings, thoughts, and beliefs. And I couldn't understand that because my whole life you know they had dominated you know it was the bottom line in everything meaning you know maybe you know and I it had no doubt why did I have such trouble in relationships feelings thoughts and beliefs cuz there always comes a time if my feelings don't m line up and match up my thoughts don't match up and surely to God if I don't think something is going to be good for me you know then I'm just not interested I'm just not going to do it and you see the good news about the 12 steps is they will work for me just as well whether I feel they're going to work, whether I understand them or and I think they're going to work for me. Thank God for that.

And I, you know, one of the analogies I heard it's like penicellin. You may not like penicellin. But if you get the shot, you know, it's going to cure your cold.

It's the same thing here, you know, and and I didn't understand the steps when I started out with them. didn't really think it was going to work for me, but they said, "Well, Timmy, why don't you give it a little try anyway?" And it worked just as well. You know, I looked one time, think about this, 19 and a half years sober, and I thought one time, if I had a videotape of my whole 19 years of sobriety, I wouldn't want to see it, but if if there was a videotape, how would that look?

And here's what I think it would look like. probably about half of the days, half of the times, I'd be in the rooms of AA and I would just love all you people. I just think you were the best thing that ever happened.

I think Alcoholics Anonymous is the best thing that ever happened and I would think this is really going to work for me. That would be about half the time I've been here. The other half the time, if you had the videotape and you could catch me, I'd be sitting there thinking, "This is the dumbest thing that God ever created.

All these people are hypocrites and it ain't going to work for a guy like me the other half the time. The good news is I felt, thought, and believed one way one time. I felt, thought, believe the other way the other time.

But because I did the same thing, and I stayed here, I'm sober either way. And you see, there's something about that now I don't even like because I'd like to be sober and feel good about it, understand it, and always know it was going to work for me. That's what I'd really like.

And if you're here and you're looking for that, you might as well go get on your car and go on home. All right? Cuz it's not going to happen.

You know, we have to learn. You know, then that's the the biggest thing that I've been taught in Alcoholics Anonymous cuz somebody asked me earlier, you know, we're going through Martin, we were talking about how do you get through these what seemed to be difficult and possible times? As I look back on that, was I happy about it?

No. Was I very pretty? and how I talked about it.

No, the deal was is that I stayed in what I call the loop of Alcoholics Anonymous. Now, and the loop is prayer, sharing, and caring. Prayer, sharing, and caring.

Prayer, sharing, and caring. And basically what they all told me, if you're in one of those three things, Tim, if you're praying, if you're sharing, if you're helping, you know, you're probably going to get through whatever you need to get through. You know, you know, that almost sounds too simplistic.

you know, almost sounds like that's got to be more difficult than that for a guy like me with the the level of problems that I have and I and gosh darn it, I think so much more, you know, cutely than most people and I feel so much more, you know, down deep more than other people. You don't understand. And you guys said, "Oh, yeah, we understand.

But why don't you just do that anyway, Tim, and see if you don't get through it." And so, I got through the divorces. I got through the suicides. I got through the deaths.

And you know, you only know that by looking here back now, cuz I want to tell you, when I was going through those things, when I was trying to breathe underwater by myself, I always felt like I was going to drown. And you guys said, "You're not going to drown, you know, just hold our hands and keep breathing, keep taking one step at a time, you know, and you're going to one day pop out. You're going to be on the surface again, you know." And that's the story, right?

That's a story. That's the stories that we tell, you know, from the podium of Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, the other thing cuz I know there's a lot of new people is just it's obvious, but maybe it wasn't obvious to me when I showed up.

The difference between the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And there, this is the point I'd like to make about them. You know, I sometimes I there's different camps in AA around the country and you've got your program people and you've got the fellowship people are all caught up in the the social part of it and it's like one they're almost like in competition with one another.

You know, it's like Budlike, you know, tra tastes great less filling. You know, the deal is, you know, the magic of Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, the interesting thing to me when you talk about the program, the spiritual principles of AA, those are not new.

Those have been around since the get-go, you know, since God made the sun and the earth. You mean helping other people, we didn't create that. Trusting in God, we didn't create that.

Cleaning your own side of the street, we certainly didn't create that. Those things, those spiritual principles have been around forever. And fellowship, that's certainly not new.

I mean there's been all kind of fellowships of all kinds for years and years. The miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous was that they found out that those two things together intertwined somehow are the things that keep us sober. Not one, not the other, you know, not separate from in combination of those two things together are what make us what we are.

And I just interesting because I don't know why people in AA fight with that, you know, it's totally insane. meaning my sponsor said one time and I believe this is that you know you could throw me in a closet with the big book and say Tim get well it ain't going to happen I might stay in that closet for years with that big book I am not going to get better I've got to have you guys that's the neat part about it was the spiritual principles and the combination of one drunk identifying with the other that makes this thing what it is so if you're new certainly are there people that are around that are just in the fellowship Yeah, you know, and then then that won't work. If they're truly an alcoholic of my variety, that won't work for them very long.

And there's other people who have gotten so caught up with the program and become, you know, step Nazis or whatever you want to call them, they are trying to do all that on their own and they're forgetting about all the rest of the people. And so my my message would be at least for me, that's why, you know, it only makes sense to me. It only works for me when these spiritual principles that we're going to talk about in the 12 steps are done in conjunction with other people just like me.

You know, as I said last night, and that's people just like me. I tell you a story. When I was early sobriety, I had an uncle who u had died of cancer.

And for some reason, because I was on this noble quest to become a better person, I signed up to work for the hospice. And uh so what I did was I was a volunteer and every Monday I would go and sit with a dying cancer patient while the caretaker would take some time off. You know I'm only about a year sober and I need to tell you it was a good thing I was doing but it was draining me dry.

I mean I don't know if you ever sit with cancer people that are dying. And I mean it's no easy task for anybody. But me one year sober, you know, I didn't have much spiritual basis to go on as it was.

But so anyway, I'm telling my sponsor about it one night. Guess what I'm doing? I'm uh I'm helping these cancer patients.

What do you think about that? you know, and I'm thinking I'm gonna get a boy and what a great guy you are, Tim. And I don't get that at all.

What he says to me is, "What are you doing?" He said, "Tim," and I really got mad cuz I I immediately thought, "Well, he's just jealous, you know. He's jealous, you know, cuz he's not doing it and I am." >> And he says, "No, no, Tim. What I'm saying is you got to work with your own kind.

You're a year sober, son. You don't have enough to give, you know, anybody. But if you're giving it to somebody, it has to be another drunk.

Cuz the way our thing works is not only, you know, you're giving it. But I'm constantly getting back right from the people that I'm working with. I tell you a great story about that that hospital.

The very first patient I had was this guy. He had three months to live. Great guy.

This guy was a square dancer. And I don't know if you know about square dancers, but they are they are a unit buddy. They're bonded together like you know as tight as any group I've ever seen.

But anyway, and he was a great guy. And I'd go out there every Monday and sit with him and he had about two months to live. And uh this one Monday kind of show you where I was.

This is exact case. It was a hot August day. I'd gone to my office and this is incredible.

I had, you know, enough financial problems as it was, but but my idiot brother-in-law, who was my CPA, had made a $60 $60 tax mistake on my tax return. And this is unacceptable, you know, and I am just enraged and I am just crazy about this. And I'm driving out to see my cancer patient that Monday, and I know I'm crazy, right?

I can't get calm down. And I pulled over to the side of the road and I got a Coke Coca-Cola and I I'm drinking this Coca-Cola thinking, man, I got to get it together. I got to go see my guy.

And so anyway, I did the best I could. I pull up. I go to this guy's house.

I go in there just like I did every Monday and I sit down in my chair and his bed was right there and he had tubes in his nose and tubes in his arms and tubes everywhere, you know, and he was just laying there. And I sit down in the chair and he rolled over, looked at me and went, "God, you look terrible. I thought, man, you know, a dying man just told me I look terrible.

And and but the point I was trying to make was I was trying to give, you know, at that point something I didn't have. And I was trying to give it, you know, in an area that I didn't need to be in at the time. So, it kind of goes back to the story I told you last night about my buddy Chris, the kid I sponsored in the Big Brothers program.

Big Brothers a great thing. Yeah. But, you know, he needed to be in the giving taking relationship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

You know, you were talking about Tom. You know, I Tom was down at our uh retreat last year and I spent a lot of time with him and we talked a lot about that. You know, what my sponsor was telling me that day is, Tim, yeah, you're supposed to help other alcoholics.

You know, other alcoholics. There's a specific reason that it says in the 12step, you know, having had the spiritual awaken, we carry the message to other alcoholics, your own kind. Cuz I have guys at home, they go, "We're not sponsoring anybody.

They're not helping any drunks, but boy, I'm doing all kind of good things, Tim. Trust me, I am carrying my message home. I'm carrying it to work." I said, "I bet you are." But I said, "Wait a minute, guys.

What about carrying it to another alcoholic?" See, somehow we lose sight of the very essence of what makes our things so special and so unique, you know, and that's why what Tom says, you know, you know, the gift for me is, and it's always been is sitting down with another alcoholic one-on-one. And that's why I love my home group. You know, my home group's in the inner city and it's full of newcomers every day.

Most of the guys I sponsor are right out of prison or right off the street. And it never never elves me what this is all about. On the other hand, we have meetings.

I'm sure you have them here in the more affluent areas of our city. If you went in there uh time after time, you know, they become more like social gatherings than meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, everybody has their own chair and they sit in the same chair.

Nobody gets up when anybody else comes into the room. You know, it's it's become all about their social meeting every every week, you know. And see, that's real dangerous for a guy like me.

All right? Cuz I need to remember by seeing that next drunk that what this is all about. It's not the Rotary Club.

It's not church. It's alcoholics anonymous. And what we do is help drunks.

You know, now as basic as that sounds, you know, many, many people are wondering away. Tom I he'll tell you a story about his home group in North Carolina and they have maybe 50, 60, 70 people. And one Saturday morning, he said, "How many people in here have ever been on a 12step call?" Three people raised their hand out of 70 or 80.

He said, "And see what's happened in in what's happened with Alcoholics Anonymous is that's kind of moved out of our genre because the treatment centers and everybody else are sending them to us and we assume that the 12step has already been done, you know, and I and I need to say to you is that boy, that just won't work for me." me, you know, the thing that keeps me going day after day, you know, is just working with that guy. And there's no doubt what his problem is. There's no doubt that he's an alcoholic.

And that keeps me right on focus and right on center, you know, where I need to be. Um, let me see where I want to go on this, you know, and I think the uh in kind of setting this up too for the uh for the rest of the of the weekend in terms of, you know, Rick was saying on the way in, it's true. I mean, it's it's so easy talking to to guys that uh they're obviously very interested in this or you wouldn't be here.

You know, I have to laugh because we have one of these in December at uh in Louisville. We started about six years ago and I'm sure it's the same thing. We start telling guys about it, you know, months ahead of time and Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I'll be there.

Uh if if nothing's going on, I'll uh I I'll see if I can work it in. And I said, "No, no, no. Why don't you commit to it now?" "Well, I you know, I can't do that, Tim, but we'll see how it goes when it gets toward December." And you see, we have other guys that No, it's locked in.

Somebody said that last night. first weekend in December is the men's retreat. Put it on your calendar, you know, and it has to become important to you.

And see what I what I know about groups like this is, you know, uh, Bill Bill Wilson said one time is that, you know, 95% of people in AA, they show up and they get they get sober and they basically go to meetings and they basically do the deal in a generic way. That's about 95% of the people. But he said, then there's 5% of the people who that's not good enough.

they want more. And see, I'm guessing that's the 5% that's here this weekend, you know. And I was the same way.

I didn't want just the basics. I wanted all it had to give, you know. And then that's the thing I tell my guys all the time, too.

You know, I I've been so blessed to be able to to to travel and to expand my AA world, you know, but we got guys, and I'm sure you know them, too, at home that, you know, they'll never get out of their home group. That's as big as their AA world will ever ever get. And I tell my guys, look, you got two choices.

Your sobriety can be as big as you want it or it can be as small as you want it. See, small as you want it wasn't going to work for a guy like me. This was either going to be my life and everything that goes with it or not.

And I say that so I I I really know that the types of people that are here this weekend are are the types of people that you want more. And uh I I I'm always just it's so easy to be around people like that. You know, couple things I'd like to throw out too that uh you know, some of these little things that just like on the card I gave you about the stitches because I really see the steps today as my stitches.

You know, those are the those are the principles that I'm going to use to stitch with. The other thing is the attitude, you know, attitude. You know, if you look in the dictionary, one of the one of the u definitions that's really helped me with attitude is called angle of approach.

Your attitude is your angle of approach. See, I thought it was somehow about a mental adjustment. I thought it was about trying to conjure up a new feeling.

It's not at all. Attitude is the angle of approach that I choose to take as my action for that day. You know and uh one of the things for example we were talking about Martin earlier about your situation you know I have certain feelings about things no doubt about it but my attitude is going to be directed by the angle of approach I choose that given day to take as I act I act toward it you know the good news about our program somebody told me is that Tim they don't lock people up for thinking crazy they lock people up for acting crazy you know and thank God for that you know because I know some of you the same way if they locked you up for what went through my mind.

You know, again, you'd have a different speaker here today. You know, one of the great parts of sobriety is that you've given me some processes to process that crazy old picture show that runs in my head and I just don't act on it, you know, as much as I used to. You know, you talk about that marital situation of mine.

Again, today it's I'm very cognizant of this. you know that my wife today, she's the same as she's been in so many different ways. Um, but you know, a lot of the things are just who you are, right?

And but some of the things today that peeve me off by the way she is or how she acts or what she says, it kind of goes through my mind. The difference today is somehow the power has been taken from that and somehow I just don't say what I used to say, you know, and somehow God, you know, relieved me of the necessity to have to, you know, to defend myself. And that gets to that whole idea we were talking about about last night about transformation.

Um, we're going to what we're going to do this morning here is take a break uh right about 10 till we'll do these like 50 minute sessions, take a 10-minute break and try to kind of stay on the hour here. And uh let let me just clarify a couple things about this whole deal because sometimes when I share about you know my feelings, thoughts, and beliefs. A lot of people are offended or saying he's saying my feelings don't count.

He's discounting my feelings. And if you were like me, that really upset me. And we had some rough oldtimers in Louisville and they were they were discounting my feelings all the time.

And I'm like I'm sure a lot of you. I'd been in therapy, you know, I had been in all that stuff, you know, I'd been in anger management one time. That was crazy.

I think back on that stuff today. I'm not discounting your feelings. Okay.

What I was told is Tim, your feelings are real, but you can't make a shrine to your feelings. That's been your problem, son. You have made a shrine to your feelings your whole life, and you're never going to get well in Alcoholics Anonymous if you make a shrine to your own feelings.

So, please don't be sensitive about that, you know. And the last thing I'd like to share, and we'll come back after the break and talk about step one, and I just love this, you know, uh I I really uh my sponsor had me read immediately Chuck Chamberlain's book, A New Pair of Glasses, and I still carry it with me everywhere I go. Tamlin says something in there that's helped me so much because you know what he says is whatever if I will whatever I choose to focus my entire attention care and love on can become the most interesting thing in the world.

You know whatever I focus my entire attention, care and love on becomes the most interesting thing in the world. You know, last night I was talking about the difference today in me versus years ago. What is in it for me to sit in a sandbox with my three eight-year-old kids for two or eight grandkids for eight two hours?

But what I found out with this, if I focus my entire attention, care, and love on that sandbox, it becomes the most interesting, wonderful thing in the world. Give you another example. If you're in the program alcoholics anonymous and you do a lot of step work with guys come on let's be honest sit and listen to fifth steps cannot sometimes is not the most interesting thing in the world but I have to ask God help me focus my entire attention care and love on this man's fistep and you know what it becomes the most interesting thing in the world at that point in time you know and right on through you know especially the things that I don't care for too much you you know, if I really do that, it never fails to to to help.

So, what I'm saying to you as we finish this first session, if you're having struggle, listen to me drone on time after time. Just focus your entire attention, care, and love, and it will become the most interesting thing in the world. All right, let's take a break.

We'll start again at 9:00. This does remind me a lot of teaching. Just you guys are five minutes late getting back to class.

everybody in detention later on today as the um you know I was thinking I this little card that I passed out the uh with the serenity prayer on it I for you guys that are brand new and you're having trouble comprehending all those prayers I uh a friend of mine that I met out in California guy named Earl H maybe you heard this story or whatnot but it's a uh it stuck with me and uh so some days if you don't have your card and you can't remember the serenity prayer he said when he was newly sober he just couldn't remember the whole serenity prayer, man. It was just too much for him. His mind was too fried up.

And so one day his sponsor said, "Earl, just forget about it. Just forget about the serenity prayer." He said, "Here's your prayer." He said, "Earl, when you get up in the morning, you get on your knees and you look up in the sky and you go, "Whatever." He said, "At night, you get on your knees and you go, "Enough." And Earl said, "You know what? what if by 10:00 in the morning it's already enough.

He said well then you just get on your knees and go whatever and I have to tell you many times when I couldn't think of anything else whatever and enough have stuck with me. So you carry that with you you never forget that. So uh let's talk about step one.

You know uh lack of power was my dilemma. Wow. I I didn't like that statement.

I still don't like that statement to be honest with you. We were just talking uh Robert and I about this whole deal about that uh power, you know, cuz I grew up, you know, in a family and I don't know about how you guys were raised. I was raised with this whole idea if you out hustled, outsmarted, and outworked the next man that you got ahead, right?

I mean, that's I'm hardwired that way. You know, I was a competitive athlete and I got in business and you know, I just the way I was. So I was causing the results.

I was the power behind whatever happened. And so this whole transformation between to accept powerlessness in my life, you know, was not an easy function for me, you know, and I guess the good news is it's very the step one and and the thing about step one and two, we've been talking a lot about action. These are the two steps that that are not necessarily action steps.

What they require us to do is to draw conclusions. All right? And the conclusion of the first step is I am powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable.

And you know I guess you know as I told my story last night as that whole thing about the powerlessness and the consciousness of my powerlessness over that first drink. Um it took what it took all right to get me to that point in time. You know, if if id have told you, you know, I talked about the time, you know, back in my college day when I had that brief moment of clarity where I knew the alcohol was the reason I had lost law school and I'd lost the basketball.

But, you know, here was the deal with me and alcohol. You know, the truth was is that I I admitted, you know, a long time ago that I was an alcoholic. In fact, I remember one time and my wife said to me, she said, now listen to this closely because I think this is what our disease is about.

I I was moaning and groaning, things weren't going well. And I said, "Honey, what is wrong with me?" She said, "Tim, you're an alcoholic." I said, "Yeah, okay. I'm an alcoholic, but over and above that, there's something else wrong with me." Let me say that again.

Over and above that, there's something wrong with me. See, because the truth about me and alcohol, I knew it was causing consequences in my life, but I thought I could outsmart it. I could outrun it.

I could deal with it, you know, and for, you know, most of my story is my attempt, especially the last 10 years, is to try to manage, you know, the problems in my life caused by alcohol. You know, I'll tell you a story. I was thinking about this.

The first time I ever came to Canada was in like 1988 and I got sober in 1990 and it was a fishing trip over into Ontario somewhere and I came up here with a bunch of my drinking buddies had been up here before, right? And it wasn't a fly in but it was one of those deals where we went to this camp and you took these boats out to this outpost cabin. And the first thing I was telling somebody the other day, I remember coming up here with them.

Of course, we drove up and we drank all the way up here. We got to the border and you know everybody could get two quarts of liquor, right, to bring over into into Canada. So we each got two quarts of liquor.

And then when we got on this side, we had these three boats, right? And we were going to this outpost cabin. So you had to load into the boat what you're going to have for the week.

Well, the argument got to how many cases of beer we could get in these three boats. Well, we ended up one guy, we ended up putting 37 cases of beer in those three boats with 12 quarts of liquor. And I can remember the big argument because the guys had been here before was saying, "That won't be enough." And then there was other guys going, "This is insane.

You know, we can't get anything else in our boat." We left on a third a Saturday, wherever we loaded in Ontario out to this outpost cabin. By Thursday that week, we were completely out of booze. Completely.

37 cases of beer to 12 case 12 ports of liquor. We had to buy bootleg uh uh liquor from the Indians that ran those uh lakes up there, you know, paid like 30 bucks a case of beer and the rest of the time. But here's what I was saying.

This is in the late '8s and I was taking all kind of heat right at home about my drinking. I'd gotten thrown out of, you know, four or five places, you know, the last year for fighting and gotten drinking, got in fights, you know, nice places, you know, really made, you know, embarrassing mess out of the whole thing. And I was having trouble with my wife, as you might imagine.

And uh she didn't understand my drinking. And uh but anyway, so we're up there with these five guys. We drink all that booze, right?

It's like does it if the tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound? This is the same thing. I remember driving back from here drinking all that booze the whole week thinking, see, there you go.

I was up there this whole time. I drank more than I ever drank. I didn't get in a fight with anybody.

You know, that's the deal. It's not me. It's my environment.

My environment back home is so toxic. that I get in fights when I drink, you know, it's I was convinced of that, you know, and my point was is that's where I was with this powerlessness thing. It wasn't an issue of, you know, I couldn't control the alcohol.

I couldn't do it very well in the context of this world I had to live in. You know, if you just put me out in the forest and let me drink by myself, I would have had no conflict. But my point is is that you know the powerlessness and then you know and and thank God that's why we tell our stories right when I showed up here and I started listening to your all stories about what this parlance was truly all about and what started to click in you know my whole life flashed in front of me.

You know I told you about the the one drink I went out you know before the basketball game. The one drink I want to get before taking that law test. See, I mean, obviously if I had any idea that the first drink was the complicating factor for me, obviously, you know, I'd have probably managed something different.

But, you know, it was also, you know, the good news for me because when I found out that if I don't take that first drink, you know, that that my life had a definite chance of getting much better very quickly. Because I don't know about you guys, when I did my four step, you know, 90% of everything that was on there came while I was under the influence of alcohol. So they said, "Hey, guess what?

If you don't drink, you you know, 90% of that stuff is probably going to get better, you know, and then that was real good news." You know, the other thing about it being your life being unmanageable, you know, I mean, that's got to be, as I said last night, the funniest part of of our whole deal. I mean, cuz everybody knows it's unmanageable way before we do. And I usually tell my story like I did last night about the 80s because I'm thinking I got it going on, you know?

I mean, I'm divorced. I'm a quart million dollars in debt. You know, I'm living in a my mom and dad's.

I'm living in my basement. I'm going to psychiatrist. But, you know, hey, everything's good.

I just need to make a little adjustment, you know, a little tweak, a little tweak or an adjustment here and there and it's going to be okay, you know. And that's why the insanity of that today was we look back on it like you know and and certainly a lot of people in my life knew exactly what was going on and they knew a long time ago. But see that's the essence isn't it of of what our problem is.

You know we this whole combination of the physical allergy. Okay I can't drink. The first drink causes a phenomenon of it kicks off an allergy in me.

Well then just stop. Okay I'll just stop. you know, but I always start again.

You see, and I always start again because that's all I think about, you know, this obsession of mind, you know, that we come to find is such a huge part of alcoholism, you know, and I say that and please stick with me here. You know, we got I'm sure you have them up here. We got the just don't drink guys, you know, all through Louisville.

And and that's that's true. And I'm going to talk about that in a minute. If I if I pick up a drink, then all bets are off.

That's certainly got to be number one in my life. that I am I am powerless over alcohol, but I am not powerless over my elbow. I am not powerless over my elbow, you know, cuz I was real afraid.

I mean, what's the guy? You don't understand. I like to I like to drink and I just might be struck drunk one day.

And they said, "Nope, not if you don't pick it up and bend your elbow. You won't be." That is your part, Tim. You are not powerless over your elbow.

And I and I say that to the guys that that I I deal with every day. So not drinking, keeping your elbow straight is my part of this whole deal. Now this whole idea about the obsession though that drives me to drink, okay, is a whole another process.

And that takes the total spiritual package of maintenance that you all suggested of prayer, sharing and helping on a daily basis. You know, we were just talking to Roberts. You know, I the more I'm around, the longer I see about this.

You know, when you first start out, you think I'll go hard at this, you know, for a while. you know, give it the best I got, be a great front runner, and then rest. You know, I'll take some time off and just kind of rest a little bit.

And, you know, and I've done that. I played around with that over the years. And uh and today, the greatest gift that God's given me recently is that I just accept it that Tim, your life is can be as good as you want it to be.

As long as you accept that the program and the actions of Alcoholics Anonymous are primary in your life, you stay utterly involved in those, you'll be just fine. Because Robert and I were just talking, he was uh I just said since it's on my mind, I'll mention that because I think it goes along with this obsession of mind. And he was saying, "What's the difference between restless, irritable, and discontent and and being competitive and ambitious?" And what I need to tell you, for me, there is no difference.

You know, my fault, my default position is restless, irritable, and discontent. That's where my needle goes. Left unattended, irritable, restless, discontent.

The program and the action of AA moves the needle. It moves the needle off the center. And when I stop the actions of AA, I go back to restless, irritable, and discontent.

Now, I'm telling you that because it took me a long time to accept this, that's who I am. Because again, the way I saw the spiritual Tim someday is that that would go away. I would just be this pleasant, you know, individual who would everybody would love to be around and I wouldn't have to contend with that.

So, I mean, I'm just saying is it's always the same with me. And I think that's the thing, the obsession of mind, you know, that that it's the second part of the first step. Um, you know, I was thinking that whole thing about I told you I was Irish Catholic and uh I grew up in an alcoholic, you know, home.

Uh, you know, as I said, nobody admitted they were an alcoholic. We had nervous people and characters, but uh but but trust me, there there was a lot of lot of drinking that went on. And uh and I realized being Irish, if anybody is here from Irish descent, that you know, the Irish are kind of associated with drinking kind of like the American native Indian, drinking has been their demise.

And actually I did a in my college thesis and and comparative history I did a study of how the uh alcohol and alcoholism and their drinking had held the Irish back uh both in their old country and when they came over to America that the drinking was so predominant that it kept them from getting ahead and the Italians and the Jews and the other people did that. I actually did my thesis on that. Then I said I left the college and I went out and spent the next 27 years proving it was true.

you know, so I mean it I I I had a general idea of what that whole deal was all about, you know, and I guess thing too is that, you know, I just uh had a call from a guy that, you know, every time I go on the road somewhere, you can count on it, somebody's going to get drunk, right? They they just do. And I got two guys that this one guy in particular, and his name's Timmy, interesting enough.

And I've been working with him 15 years. And you know, he's just one of these kid perennial street drunks. You know, he's a you'd love him.

You know, he he's never been married. He's never, you know, done much of anything. If he did a fist, there wouldn't be anybody on it.

You know, he's harmless. He just gets drunk. And uh he called me this morning.

He's drunk and he'd been sober for about a year again. But the u the u and what had happened with him was again, I almost could have told it was going to happen before. He had lost his uh job.

He was on unemployment before I left and the unemployment decided they reversed it, you know, after being on unemployment for three or four months. Reversed it right for a letter. They sent him a letter saying, "We decided, you know, that you're not on unemployment.

You don't qualify and you owe us $4,400." Well, he's living in a halfway house. And before I left, I said, you know, Timmy, you're you're not going you don't have $4,400, do you? No.

I said, well, forget about it. But I saw it. I saw it in his eyes.

You know, that whole obsession and the fear started setting up. And of course, sure enough, he called me. I got drunk yesterday.

And you know, the the point is this is this this whole part of the obsession of mine. And what I'm saying is is that okay, not taking the dirt first drink is the solution. It is.

But what's the solution to this obsession I have that's so powerful you don't understand to to drink? And the solution is obviously and and we make these you know assumptions or we come to these conclusions in the first two steps and then the steps you know the rest of the way are going to be the actions that they they give us to try to deal with that obsession. At least that's the way it worked for for me you know and this whole thing too about you know the projecting uh um you know when I when I first showed up and and you know things were not good for me.

You know, I showed up. Okay, I'm powerless over alcohol, but you know, guys, come on. I mean, I I I owe a quarter of a million dollars.

I'm in divorce court. You know, I got legal issues. I mean, come on.

I mean, I got issues here. And nobody seemed very interested in those issues. And the guy, they said, "We do character defects.

Are you interested in that?" I said, "No, no, I got issues. Let's talk about issues." They said, "Uh, but anyway, I was thinking about this whole thing. I couldn't keep my mind, Martin, in the in the moment, in the now, you know, and what what a gift that becomes in sobriety is to be here right now.

And I know a lot of you are not here right now, right? I know you're trying, but you're back at work and you're with the baby baby doll and you're all of this stuff, but I mean, the gift for me at sobriety today is when I can go somewhere and be here right now. And uh I don't know if you guys have ever heard Ken D uh out in California share.

And when I first came in, by the way, you know, I I take alcoholism very very seriously. I do. I mean, it's killed a lot of people in my life and a lot of people in my family, but I like to have fun cuz I think laughter is such a healing healing part of our deal.

Thank God for it. And Ken Deainy was one of the guys early on that, you know, really made me laugh and I got got to meet him a couple times since then and uh it was so important to me. But he talks about this whole thing about projecting out.

And uh I was really struggling with so many things going on in my head. And he tells this story. He says about it's like the guy who went to Las Vegas and he just wanted to have a good time.

And he's standing out on the street and all of a sudden this girl comes up and said, "What are you here for?" He says, "I want to have a good time." And she he says, "Okay, come up, follow me." He says, "How much?" She said, " $10,000." Next thing he knows they're up in the room and she's naked. He's naked. They're laying on the bed and uh and she says, "Well, kiss me on the lips." And he kisses her on the lips and he goes, "No, I don't know." She said, "Well, kiss me on the on the cheek." And he kisses her on the cheek and he says, "Uh, I I don't know." He said, "Well, kiss me on the breast." She kisses her on the breast and and he says, "I don't know." And she said, "What don't you know?" He said, "I don't know where I'm going to get the 10 grand, you know." And the and the point of the the point of the message was is that the guy's in the middle of a good thing and he's projecting out, you know, you know, and I really never forgot that story because that that's me, you know, that's me most of my life.

You know, I'm in the middle of a good thing, but I'm projecting out where am I going to get the 10 grand? Oh, let me see here. And you know the other thing too is is about uh the manageability of my life.

This took me a little while too and this is kind of Robert where we were talking about all right if my life's unmanageable then what does it need? Well it needs to be managed better right and that's that was a complicating factor for me because what I heard initially was all right you want me to manage my life better. Is that right?

And of course the answer was no that's not right at all. In fact that's your whole problem Tim. You know, if you could manage your life, you probably wouldn't be sitting in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.

We're going to have a suggestion in steps two and step three about who the the manager might be, but it's not you. But, you know, I couldn't help but do that. I don't know about you guys.

I I understood. All right. I am powerless over alcohol.

Lack of power, you know, was my dilemma. All right. I don't have any.

All right. I don't have any. The problem became when I showed up.

Where is it? And I found it, you know, that girl over there, she's got power. You know, money had power, jobs had power.

In other words, the next journey for me was where's the power? And unfortunately, if you're like me, I looked in all the wrong places. You know, instead of understanding the power had to come from something outside of me, bigger, better, and bolder than myself, you know, I started transferring the power to other areas.

And you know and and for me you know one of those areas was in my business world probably as we talked through this weekend um in my business life it's been absolutely one of the toughest venues for me cuz it goes against you know what we've been taught in our program goes against everything that I was hardwired to do you know cuz I can hear my old man today saying you know boy if you get up earlier you out hustle you out work you out think the other guy you get ahead and that's the mentality that I brought to alcoholics. it's synonymous, you know, and if that's the mentality you bring to the 12 steps, you know, it's very difficult to separate yourself as the power and turn that power over over to something bigger, better, and bolder than yourself. And that's why, you know, where we're going to end up with this and that's why the stitches in my life have become so important because without the stitches, I tend to take the power.

I tend to be the manager. I just can't help it. You know, it's kind of my hard wiring.

And you guys have taught me by, you know, learning to do and asking God for just a divine inspiration that moment to do the next right stitch, you know, in my business life. And that's why I talk about that all the time. And I still fight with that, you know, I still fight, you know, with with the difference between, you know, what what's my job every day to suit up and to show up and and versus, you know, turning this my will in life over to this power greater than myself.

you know, I I uh my sponsor recently had a um little stroke and uh he's 28 years sober and you'll appreciate the story. And we're sitting in the hospital and he's a lawyer and very successful one, but you know, story very much like mine and he had more debt than I had when he showed an alcoholics anonymous. But we're having a little conversation.

and he's laying in bed and his wife who's uh you know not a not an alkey has no idea what it's all about and she's listening to our conversation and he says to me he said you know Timmy he said what's strange about this he said here I'm on on on my deathbed or life-threatening disease and I and I'm not afraid at all you know I have no fear about this in fact it doesn't compare at all to the fear that I have on Monday morning sometimes driving into my office and I'm going yeah I know know what you mean, man. I'm the same way. And his wife's standing behind us going, "That makes no sense, you guys.

That makes no sense. You got a life-threatening disease and you're not even afraid. And what are you afraid about driving to your office on Monday morning?" You know, I think maybe some of you all understand what I'm talking about.

It's called free floating anxiety. I don't know where it comes from. I've had it my whole life.

You know, the other shoe is going to fall anytime. I know it is. You know, and I have fought this my whole life.

Then what it really comes down to is what I'm afraid that if I don't have the power, you know, that day is not going to go the way I need it to go. If I don't have the power and if I don't shake and bake in the right direction, you know, I'm not going to get the results that business day that I need to get, you know, and I'm getting better at it. And I was telling Robert, without the the preparation every day of of my prayers and meditation and different things I do on that card, you know, I just I just go there.

That's my default position, you know, that that fear-based that fear-based living. You know, then the second conclusion we get to in step two is uh you know, this whole thing I heard some people talking about last night about God and uh you know, one of the things about our program is interesting about around here, but at home we got a lot of people, oh don't talk about God. My God, that'll drive everybody out here.

I said, 'Well, don't let them read the big book because they uh because it talks a lot about God in there. It really does. I don't know why we do that.

I mean, if you read the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, I mean, they have very clearly talk about it. They don't hide it. They didn't hide it at all.

And please keep in mind where Alcoholics Anonymous came from, you know, it came from a background of religious denomination, you know, from the Oxford group. And the people that brought that, they were very much, you know, into that whole thing. And and I'm okay with that.

You know, I guess what I've basically said, we were talking last night, I'm a um reformed Catholic, I guess, wherever you call it. And it's an interesting thing that happens, you know, whatever uh whatever happened when I showed up was is that I didn't really have a problem with the God thing. That didn't scare me off, but I understand it does some people.

I just couldn't really relate to to uh to um assigning you know my will in life to anything that was going to be in in the third step was really going to be the issue for me but I don't know I say this in openly you know if it is an issue for you is that you know I think the way AA works I don't know did for me is that the power initially was you guys the power in many ways is still the men in the rooms of alcoholics anonymous us, you know, I have not uh seen many burning bushes in my life. As my sponsor said, I've seen a few smoking ones, you know, but no burning bushes, you know. My my didn't have a white light experience like Bill Wilson did.

And thank God it says in the back of the appendix that most of us have spiritual awakenings, you know, not not that's in and it's a gradual thing with me and it has been a gradual thing with me. But you know there's no doubt in my mind is that my connection and I want to say this again is to my God of my higher power is through you guys. You know it's through the men and alcoholics anonymous and the people in Alcoholics Anonymous that those messages have come to me.

It comes back to what I was talking about earlier about how our program works, you know, with the fellowship and the program. And what makes this different, you know, from church and what makes this different from any other thing is that I I just have a hard time staying connected to that power, whatever you want to call it, without you guys. You know, I've tried that.

I've tried that. And you know, I mean, my early sobriety, a lot of us do. You know, I got I had a stack of meditation books, this thing, and I I'd go to these conferences and carry those meditation books around so everybody could see that guy's really into that spiritual thing, you know, crazy, you know, crazy, crazy, crazy.

I I I the most spiritual thing I do some days, you know, that's the whole thing. I've come to kind of look at this whole thing in a different stance, you know, what being spiritual was into what it is today. And sometimes the most spiritual thing I do is just not honk my horn when somebody cuts in front of me or in the grocery store, you know, stand behind some woman, you know, who's taking forever instead of having her credit card out, it's still fiddling in her purse, you know, and I'm telling you the truth.

And, you know, I'm standing there going, "God, help me love, comfort, understand. Help me love, comfort, understand." And, you know, now nobody may ever know, you know, that that happened today. for me not to say something that day might be the most spiritual thing that I do that day.

But I'm okay with that. I've come to understand through our program is that spirituality happens for me in little, you know, inane types of things. you know, spirituality in our program, you know, finding this God of our understanding and and you know, I go to all kind of conferences and around all kind of people and, you know, we we've got a you know, there's a whole contingent of people around the country that are big time into this this part of it.

You know, I guess, you know, I came up in the AA venue of the Tom Iverister and and Don, the guys, my sponsor, and they those guys uh they just do life, okay? They just exhibit their spirituality, as I said last night, in a quiet way. I mean, Tom, for example, probably talks, you know, more on the AA circuit than anybody that I know of, you know, but that's neither here to there.

I'm sure some people are helped. The real deal about that guy is that he's in prisons every week, two or three times a day. But the real deal about that guy is that he spends time one-on-one, you know, with guys like you and me, you know, and and that's the real deal.

See, what I came to figure out in Alcoholics Anonymous, there's what I call noisy AA and there's quiet AA. And noisy AA is fun, you I love to come and jack around with the guys and have a good time and we all talk. But then the real deal is this quiet AA and that's the part that's carried on when we're not together.

That's the part that's carried on, you know, when we're, you know, oneon-one for breakfast or coffee and lunch and the different things that that go on in Alcoholics Anonymous. And and I'm saying all of that, I mean, in terms of the second step is that, you know, I stay connected to my power, my God, and my understanding. There's only one way.

It's by staying hooked up with the people and alcoholics synonymous. It's by working with drunks, you know, on a daily basis. So again, you know, and I'm not saying that's that's just the way it has to be for me, you know, in terms of my religion, you know, so young.

I mean, I I go to church, you know, and uh I I probably don't believe uh or about my faith the way I used to and and everything that goes with it. Uh but it's okay. Sorry, because I mean I have this general understanding since I've been an A what I think the God of my understanding is.

You know, it's a God of love. You know, let let me go back there because I heard I think maybe Martin or some people talk last night about that condemning condemning power, the condemning God. And if you're Catholic and you grew up in that deal, you know, I knew I was screwed by third grade.

You know, u you know, I had enough mortal sins to, you know, game was over. And uh but you know I I hung around AA about 14 months. All right.

When I first showed up, didn't have a sponsor, didn't have a home group, certainly hadn't done a step. And I was hanging on for dear life, you know, and uh this is kind of where I was. And if you'd have ran into me about that time, about 14 months, and you' said, "Hey, Tim, how you doing, buddy?" I'd said, "Great, you idiot." You know, I'm doing fine.

What's your problem? I knocked your nose off. You know, I mean, I was so dry, you know, and I had met a little guy at that time who became my first sponsor.

And and he used to tell me, Tim, just remember, God is love. God is love. God is love.

And and that's the way I went to sleep every night, you know. God is love. God is love.

God is love till I fell asleep. Had to do that last night, you know, till I fell asleep with all that noise going on. But 14 months into the deal, dryer in the bone, the God is love thing was not getting it done, you know.

And I remember thinking, if I run into that little sucker again, and he gives me that God is love thing one more time, I'm going to smack him. I'm going to knock his nose off. And sure enough, I ran into him with the issue of the day.

I called him and laid my issue of the day out. And sure enough, he said, "Tim, just remember God is love." And I said, "Damn it. I know that, man.

I know that. But what you don't get is I'm so angry and I'm so depressed. And he said, "Good, good." He said, "I think you're ready." I said, "Ready for what?" And he said, "Listen to this, T." He said, "In Alcoholics Anonymous, God is love, but love is action." God is love, but love is action.

Steps 1, two, and three, your powerlessness, his power. Steps four through nine, your simple responsibility to clean up your mess. Step 10's a refresher course.

Step 11, we hook you up with your God. Step 12, we hook you up with the other people. What do you say, Tim?

are you ready? I said, "Yes, sir. I'm ready." Cuz I could no longer, you know, live with the type of thing I had going on inside me.

That's my wife tell her, "I'm not here." Remember we were in the bars, you know, when the phone rang, "I'm not here." That's right. Um but but the point was is that the message was conveyed and at that point in time he put me into my first big book group uh big book study which still goes on every Wednesday night in my office. I did the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I and I understood, you know, where we are right now in steps two and three is that it was God's power and my powerlessness, but now there was this whole thing about my responsibility and uh and and that's the deal then and that's still the deal today. you know, trying to find that balance and and the thing we were talking about earlier this morning is that that balance of the steps and God's part of my responsibility are the things that bring me back to balance when the rusty old dog is dragging me to bring me back into balance. You know, I work those steps.

I mean, and that's always been the thing with me. Okay. And we get to uh talking about step three.

We'll try to get this in before we before we uh before we get there. you know, turning my will in life over as I said, you know, to something bigger, better, and bolder than myself, you know, and and that was somebody said this to me earlier and and it was so true in my early sobriety. They said, Tim, you know, all you have to understand is there is a God and it ain't you, you know, and uh that's still the thing today.

If I can remember, if I get confused about who the power is, if I understand it ain't me, all right, then I pretty much got a chance. I mean my problem is is when that power becomes me then then the the issues start to happen. Um and I and I think you know the other thing too is is that you know acting as if you know if you're new in the program uh I'd like to tell you you know that all these spiritual concepts the first three steps that we're just talking just clicked in with me immediately.

And if I told you that, I'd be telling you a bold face lie. You know what you all asked me to do. However, was act as if.

You know, it it's kind of like, you know, the the maintenance of a of a of a car, you know, I mean, if I just got a bad car, you know, it's undrivable, you know, it's undrivable. I don't care what I do to that car every day. I can put, you know, uh, uh, kind of back to the second step.

I can put gas in it. I can put oil in it. I can work on it.

If it's undrivable, it's still undrivable. Okay? It's just the opposite.

You know, when we get, you know, to step three, what you ask me to do is turn my will and life over to and act as if, you know, the power on a given day is is is somewhere outside of me. And in most of my kind time in early Alcoholics Anonymous, uh that's strictly been in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous that on any given day, you know, I've been willing to sit with you guys and and you know, we were talking about this earlier too is that um being willing to turn my will in life over for me means being willing to share my life with you. You know the the thing that that makes my prayer I mean I have different prayers obviously I say every morning but what consummates my prayer is sharing my prayer with you guys.

Okay. The difference in my life today is the willingness you know to once I get off my knees in the morning and do that third step prayer is to go out and to share my life and my prayer with other people and somehow that makes a difference. You know I think about sponsorship today.

I don't know how that works. It just works. You know, in other words, I'm almost 20 years sober and I should know the answer on any given day to something.

In fact, when I have a complication, I know exactly what to say to you. If it's your problem, I have no problem. The problem is when it becomes my issue, I can't seem to get a hold on it.

And this whole idea of sharing that, you know, with another person, you know, the phenomenon I love. My my sponsor is a very busy guy and, you know, he's in and out. He's a lawyer and but it's interesting sometimes even as I'm dialing the phone, I get better.

And and sometimes he's not even there and I just get his voicemail and I have relief again. And some of you are shaking your heads, you know. You see the b the bottom line is I didn't hear a word from him but it was the effort of going outside of myself and saying God you know give me help with the problem.

I'm willing okay to involve somebody else in my life that makes a difference. And that's so so important you know it continues to be important to me because I think as we get more sober ah we don't need to do that. I know I know I know what I would tell you.

I know what I tell the guys I sponsor. I just need to apply to myself. I don't know why that doesn't work.

I still have to call my sponsor and he needs to tell me what I already know for the thing to work. You see, and I don't know why that works. I still don't like that.

You know, don't even like it today, but I need to tell you it's the thing, you know, that connects me again. I can turn my will in life over to God every morning and I do that. You know, the bottom line is my connectivity to all of that only remains intact if I go out and through the program that we learn in Alcoholics Anonymous stay actively involved in sharing myself with other people.

You know, it's just the way it is. You know, it's just the way it's always been with me. You know, a thing I was thinking about this morning, you know, I I was taught uh in terms, we'll talk about this in the maintenance steps to get on my knees every morning and, you know, thank God for another day, waking up alive and clean and sober and uh and ask for his guidance that day.

And I started doing that, but then an old guy in Louisville said, "Tim, why don't you do this because you're so sick after you get up your off your knees, make your bed. Get on your knees. Thank God, but make your bed." I said, "What's that about?" He said, "Well, you need to immediately understand after you've asked God's will and direction, now it's your responsibility to go out and start taking responsibility for your life." And so I do that.

I make my bed every morning. Made my bed in my bunk over there today. If I go to a hotel, I make the bed.

You know, my wife at home sometimes says, "Don't take the sheets off. I'm going to wash them today." I said, "Nope. I'm making that bed because it's become part of of my deal.

You know, I ask God's help. I make my own bed. I ask God's help.

I make my own bed. And it's back to what I said before. I God, you got the power.

Now, it's time my responsibility to go out out and act accordingly. Uh, and again, this this whole thing too about knowledge of God's will, you know, and the other thing my sponsor talks about is uh I'm a big deal guy, you know. I've always been a big deal guy.

I love to make big deals out of everything. And he said to me once, he said,"Tim, whatever you're making a big deal out of other than God or the 12 steps, you're just making a big deal out of you." I hate that. I really do hate that.

Even sponsorship, if I'm getting all jacked up about I'm not sponsoring right, I'm doing that whatever I'm making a big deal out of. I mean, I come back to that other than God or the 12 steps. It's just another way of me camouflaging, making a big deal out of myself.

And see, I have a way to do that. I can I can dress my uh my character defects up in all kind of spiritual and psychological clothing. You know, kind of try to disguise it so you guys don't understand what it is.

It all comes down to the same thing. You know, it's just me even in the the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous sometime just trying to make a big deal out of me. You know, I sponsor a lot of guys.

You know, a lot of guys call me their sponsor and you know, I'm available. I'm there. You know, I do it the way I was taught.

Okay. But I don't make a big deal out of it, you know, because again, it goes back to the same thing. This is not my programming.

I learned long ago that I'm just a channel. I'm just a conduit. You know, that God does the deal.

My job is just to be the conduit is just to be the messenger. And uh, you know, we'll talk about this a little bit in the 12step. Thank God for that because when I first got into this, you know, having been a teacher and a coach, I'm like, it's my job to get these guys sober.

And if I think, you know, I give them the right program and I stay on top of them and whatnot, they'll succeed. And if you go into this deal with that idea, you're going to be a nutcase, you know, not too long. And uh and I just quickly learned is that no, it's no big deals about it.

We make oursel available. We pass on what's been given to us. And then, you know, we don't get them drunk.

We don't get them sober. You know, we just pass on on the deal. Let me see.

Anything else on the third step here before we uh we finish up? you know, in in the uh for me, you know, I I guess the the whole thing comes back to I I alluded to to this yesterday about selfishness and self-centerness. You know, I uh when I first showed up in the Hey, I don't know about you guys, you know, I knew this was about drinking and I didn't do it well and it was causing problems.

And when you started talking about No, your real problem is this disorder of the ego. your real problem is the core of what's wrong with you is salvation and self-centerness. I thought, well, that might be you guys, but I'm I'm I'm actually a pretty good guy.

I mean, you guys don't understand. I I'm I'm a good guy. And I read that part in the in the big book where it talks about even in our graciousness, we try to control the show.

And that was me, right? I was the good guy. I'm going to help you out.

Gord, what you didn't hear, as long as you do it the way I think you should be doing it. And what has been one of my great revelations and continues to be, you know, even after almost 20 19 and a half years is the book says there's what 100,000 manifestations of self-centerness and you just continue I just continue to see those, you know, and it just amazes me as time's going on about that. And the good news is is that you know as I get more in touch with that you know uh we'll talk about this a little bit in the fourth step you know things like you know as I look back on my inability to be successful in relationships like you know sex you know my idea with like a lot of guys was you know hey let's get it on and my wife was this oh you know let's spend some intimate time let's talk first what I mean what's that got to do with anything.

Let's get the primary purpose accomplished here. Right? I mean, I had no touch for that.

I had no touch that my self-centerness was as such that, you know, I wanted what I wanted. I didn't understand her need for intimacy. I mean, and and I say that in all honesty.

I mean, I had no clue that that was any part of anything. I mean, so the good news is as we go on, you know, in this process, we we learn from each other and we get more sensitized to about all these manifestations of self-centerness. And and the good news is is that it it adds to a better life.

For me, it's you know, it it certainly when you get older like this, it's kind of interesting as you get older, God's kind of tricky with that, you know. Uh well, your as your physical prowess kind of drops down on it. You you want to talk a little bit too, you know?

Your your priorities kind of change, right? But anyway, uh you know, I I guess the good news is and then when we come back from this break, we'll start talking about this cleanup business in in four and five and and uh which is was really a primary uh uh situation or the beginning of me starting to get in touch with this uh this inner Tim that was causing so much problem. So, let's take another break and we'll start about 11:00.

>> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.