Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. If you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-rise.com.

Before we begin today's speaker, a quick announcement. After months of work, we've released the new Sober Sunrise companion app on the App Store. It includes the same daily Sober Sunrise speakers you already listen to, plus Sober time tracking, daily pledges, favorite speakers, a support phone book for your sponsor, and recovery circle, meeting tracking with reminders, and home screen widgets to help keep recovery close between meetings.

We hope you'll give it a try. You can find the link in the episode description. Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise.

We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> I don't say that to impress anybody, but it impresses the heck out of me. >> Cuz on April 24th of 1984, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I didn't want to live and I didn't want to die and I didn't know who to call. Who was I going to call? I knew nothing about alcoholism.

I wasn't an alcoholic and I knew nothing about AA and I didn't cry out pray for AA help me. On April 24th of 1984, I cried out of prayer, God help me. On April 25th of 1984, I walked into a treatment facility.

I was in treatment 28 days. I learned two things. I learned that I'm an alcoholic and I belong in these meetings.

Everything I needed right here in the meetings in the cover of that book. I'm a firm believer in this. I I really try to keep this thing simple.

You know, it's uh it's a very simple program, you know. Uh you know, you uh you know, you I I don't want to ever get too smart. I like staying dumb, you know.

Uh and I keep it as simple as I can, you know. I don't like I don't need to change anything about it. I like everything about it.

Like I said, you know, uh I don't have to pick up a drink to loud things up. I can l things up sober, you know. So, and as they was talking tonight, he told me, he said, "Uh, you know, it was funny tonight because uh Dome men's is my home group and uh the secretary asked me what meeting is." I haven't been to Dome in a while, you know.

I Newberg is my home group and I have is one of my home groups and I haven't been there in a while either, you know, but uh but you know I work nights and uh and uh but the new the on Thursdays I'm at the Northeast pre-release prison that I I got my home group is a woman's meeting. So uh but um you know thank god thank god for a you know what what else can I say? But um >> but uh you know it says in our freedom what our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholic sobriety.

I believe that but I believe alcoholic anonymous is primary purpose to save people's lives because that's what it's doing to today for me. It's saving my life. This is life and death.

An old-timer told me once, I was sitting in these meetings and an oldtimer I was he he was sitting I don't know right across from me but I think two seat down and he said kid with your eyes not with your ears you know and how true is that to the alcoholic you know I don't know about you but I'm an alcoholic soon as I open my mouth up I tell a lie so don't listen to me just watch me you know that's what my wife tells me every time I open my mouth up I'm telling another lie you you know, so >> you know, so but uh and and I came in these meetings, I kept my eyes open. I saw friends of mine die from the results of alcohol and drugs. I'm not talking about friends when I was out there using I'm talking about friends since I came into OA.

The very first person that I tried to sponsor a little bit over 24 years ago we buried 23 and a half years ago we buried because he died of an overdose of cocaine. And I'm here tonight. I don't know about you, but I feel good.

You better believe I love alcoholic. And I'm the same with my life. And I can tell you more stories.

There was a point in time I used to say in my lead, there's more people that I sponsor that are dead than that are sober. I don't say that anymore. Nobody comes up and asks me to sponsor them, you know.

But uh but I talk about I I I bring up one other story because this guy was a friend of mine. I grew up with this guy. He was just like me.

And then in the 24 years and five months and five days I was sober. He was in prison four different times. You know, I literally tried everything I could do to get this guy sober.

I literally tried to shove the big book down his throat. It taught me a lesson. You know that I can't get nobody sober.

You know, I don't have that power. I can't get people sober. I can only carry the message.

God gets people sober. Uh I can only carry the message. And the last time this guy went out, he had a girl on Detroit Avenue and and she pinned her leg against the pole and the girl lost her leg.

And I was visiting him while he in county jail and he snapped. He couldn't handle what he was what he did. He just he he just lost it.

You know, this guy, you know, he was like me. All he ever wanted to do. All I ever wanted to do when I went out and drank was to have fun.

That's all I ever wanted to do was have a little bit of fun. And I believe that's all he ever wanted. He didn't he didn't say, "Well, one day I'm going to take a girl's leg off." You know, you know, and he was in bad shape.

He was having seizures all the time. time he had a couple of strokes and and while he was in county jail, his mother called me up and says, "Fred, could you come and take me down to St. Vincent charity?" I guess the county jail called her up and and she wanted me to drive her down to see her son.

I thought I was driving her down to see her son. And I went down there and when we got into his room, he was at St. Vincent charity.

He was in a coma on a life support system, handcuffed to a bed. He couldn't move. He couldn't He was in a he couldn't go nowhere, but he was handcuffed to bed and I felt this guy pain.

See, in my message, in my lead, I talk about two things. I talk about never forget, and I talk about feelings. You know, uh, you know, you know the feeling.

You know the feeling I'm talking about. The feeling I'm talking about is that feeling, you know, that new alcoholic. I'll never forget my first AA meeting or my first beginnings in my that sign of new watch while you're beginning the results of manel.

It it makes so much sense. You know, I'll never forget my beginnings. You know that.

You know that feeling I'm talking about that you see that new guy, you know, when the secretary gets up at the meeting, ask any anybody here at their first meeting, the first week in the program, and you see that new guy or new girls raise their hand and you look in that new guy and new girl's eyes and you see that loneliness and that pain and that guilt and the shame and the remorse and look, just look, it's there. You'll see it. I know what it's like.

And then after the meeting, you go shake that new guy's hand or new girl's hand. You say, "Keep coming back. You don't have to live the way you're living." You see that little bit of hope?

That's the gift. If you haven't done that, you don't know what I'm talking about. That's the gift.

Now, that's the feeling I'm talking. And I felt this guy would didn't have his eyes, but I felt this guy's pain. He was struggling to die and they were keeping him alive.

This guy did not want to live. I know by visiting him, talking to him. He just didn't have it.

He just didn't have the fight in them anymore. And I just said to his mother, I wish they'd leave it in God's hands, you know. Uh and uh and and we and and we she asked me to talk to the priest with her.

And we had to talk to the priest and then we had to get permission from the county when you're in prison or jail that you can't do nothing without their permission. And we finally got permission from the county to get them off this machine. And two days later, this guy died handcuffed to a death.

>> And I'm here tonight. I don't know about you, but I feel good. You better believe I love Alcoholic Anonymous.

It's saving my life. Thank God for AA. Thank God for AA.

You hear with your eyes, not with your ears. >> Right. You hear with your eye.

And you know what we had to do tonight before the meeting started? This is what we had to do tonight before the meeting started. We had to ask people to shut their pages and their cell phones off.

Give me a break without alcoholic anonymous. I have nothing. I have nothing.

Man, AM I THAT IMPORTANT? I GOT TO TAKE A CELL PHONE INTO an AA meeting. When did I GET IMPORTANT?

WHEN DID I get important? Without alcoholic anonymous, I have nothing. And I also believe alcoholic anonymous a miracle magic whatever you want to call it because I read a story and this is an amazing story.

And every time I read this story, I I get a feeling inside another one of those fillings. I don't know about you, but when I read this story, this is amazing story. And this story is about a doctor that met a stock broker in 1935.

Wow. Every time I just say those two things that I I just it it just it overwhelms me. Two guys got together one night.

One guy thought he'd share his experience and strength. He started he he just he just he just he couldn't tell nobody else. He had to tell another drunk the way he felt and alcoholic anonymous began.

Wow. I don't know about you, but I feel good. I'm a member of that fellowship.

And the same thing that happened to that doctor in 1935 happened to Fred Jacob in 1984. I was introduced to another alcoholic. He shared experience, drink, and hope.

And I thought he knew more about me than I did myself. And I started to listen. And if I didn't do anything on early in my beginnings, I did listen.

Why I listen, who knows? Maybe I was sick and tired of being sick. Maybe I didn't want to live the way I was living.

Who knows? But I listened. And what that man did that day, I'm going to try to do tonight.

He told me what it was like, what happened, what it's like today in a general way. I don't know when I picked up my first drink. You know, I didn't think, well, I better write this down.

It might be I might need it someday. You know, some people could get up here and say at the age of five, their dad gave them beer at the age of five and they started guzzling. I don't know what I was doing at 35 when I was 5 years sober.

So, so I can't tell you I was doing at five years of age, but uh I go back to the age of 15 years of age. Uh I grew up in the hippie years, you know, and everything else that went with it. I had hair halfway down my back down my back and everything else that went with the with it.

And uh and at the age of 15, there was a fad going around called Booms Farm Apple Wine, you know, and I wanted to fit and I wanted to be accepted. I wanted to go out with my friends and have a little bit of fun and and we decided to go out and get some of this wine and I got it and I drank and I got sick and I puked and I liked it so much I went back the next day. The next day and I was in trouble right from the start.

I didn't have to wake work my way into trouble. I was in trouble right from the start, you know. And uh at the age of 15, I wanted to go out with my friends and have a little bit of fun.

At the age of 30, I was sitting on a curb, just sold my car. I found my brother's car. I got his bank book with $5 in it.

I cashed a couple checks of my mom and dad. I got my grandmother's wedding ring sitting in a pawn shop. Now, that ain't the first time I did it, but it was the last.

Now I can tell you all the stories from the age of 15, age of 30 that got me to that curve. And believe me, I used to do that early on. There there have been times early on in my beginning my first couple years of leading.

There was times I led for an hour and 45 minutes. You know, I still I think about that today, you know, that I mean, you know, that's amazing. I can't believe I did talk that long, you know, but but I mean, you know, you know, and I I I never said to myself, "Oh, well, I'm going to go out and leave for an hour and 45 minutes." You know, you know, if you're going to blame, if you want to blame somebody, you know, you could always when you're done praying tonight, talk to God and ask God why he let so long.

you know, you know, because um I don't know what's the time limit. You know, there there's some meetings out there today, you know, you'll go to a meeting, some meetings out there, I don't know about on the east side, but I know on the west side there's meetings, some meetings out there on the west side, not the chairperson that asked you to leave. The secretary will come up to you before the lead and he'll say, "U, could you cut your lead?

Uh, make it about 25 to 30 minutes. We like to get home early. Give me a break.

Tell that to the new guy that had nowhere to go. I can imagine sitting into a bar, sitting in a bar one night and say, "Hey, CAN YOU CLOSE THE BAR AN HOUR EARLY? I WANT TO GET HOME.

>> I got to get home early. Give me a break. Give me a break.

Without any, I have nothing." Uh, and but I bring up a couple story to that got me to my last drunk because I I keep the door open. It said to keep the door open. I keep it open.

One of the stories I'm 17 years of age. I got hair halfway down my back. I can't even get started in the 10th grade.

I I'm getting kicked out of every school my mom and dad are sending me. I I and and I my dad comes to me and I like I said, I didn't want no part of school and school didn't want no part of me. So my dad came up to me at 17 years of age.

He said he could give me a job working in a warehouse making $6.50 an hour. That was 37 years ago. And I wanted this job.

And the only way I could get this job, he said, "Fro, you got to cut your hair." And I wasn't going to cut my hair cuz if I cut my hair, I ain't going to have no friends, you know. And I really really believe that back then, if you didn't have long hair, you weren't cool or whatever. I don't know.

But and and I wasn't about to cut my hair. My dad and mom came with suggestion. He said, "Fred, all you got to do is cut your hair and take the job.

And when you go out your friend, you could put on a long wig." I could imagine me put on a long wig and going out. That wasn't me, you know. I that I I I never had that in my thought in my mind.

I'm going to put on a long. So, I came and suggested my own. I curled my hair up as a curler page, put a short wing and went to work like that for two years.

See, I didn't need you people. I didn't need anybody. See, I I you know, I wasn't hurting.

All I always thought I wasn't hurting no, I'm just hurting me. Nobody out. Just me, you know.

And uh now I know I'm drinking every day because I'm working with guys at 30 years of age and they're going to bar and ordering shots and beers and ordering sandwiches and I'm ordering shots and beers and forgetting the sandwiches and cutting work just like I did school. So the responsibility school couldn't put there. See work is see because I had a disease called alcoholism and I believe that tonight because I read the book and it said something like this in the book.

If I put one drink in my system this phenomenal craving this obsession thing. If I don't believe anything tonight, I believe that tonight. But every time I drink, the pass out, locked up or whatever.

And now this job gets fed up with me because I'm taking the weight off at one time and I'm not wearing it to work. So they fire me after two years. So the guy who doesn't need no anybody that's running his lifeline and dad comes up to me and says he can give me a better job than the trucking desk used on the truck dock.

And my money's almost double and I'm spending all that money. I spend all my parents' money. I'm in all kind of trouble and I don't want to get in trouble.

The trouble got to the point where my mom and dad had to sell their house to keep me out of prison. And my life's a mess and I don't know what to do and I don't know where to go. Where am I going to go?

Who am I going to call? Now I'm 26 years of age and I'm living on a park bench off of West Boulevard and I'm living on this park ben and my whole world's falling apart at this time. Uh my job is in jeopardy because the company I'm working for is ready to close up.

I'm pending my 6DWI and my whole world's falling apart and I'm living on this park bench and I don't know where to go and I don't know what to do and my grandfather died and my mom comes and says come and be with the family till the funeral is over with and I had a cousin that went to Rosary Hall at the time. It was two years so he was going a lot of meeting and he was a big guy. Soon as I walked in the house he grabbed the homie threw me up against the wall and he said, "Fred, when are you going to do something about your drinking?" And I looked at him, I said, "Mind your own business.

I don't have a drinking problem. I'm not an alcoholic." And what is an alcoholic? Powerless over alcohol.

Life on man. My life was a wreck. My life was a mess.

My life was in shambles. My life's unmanned today. And it's the best it's ever been.

I can live with that. That's a pretty word. I remember when FA used to say that at K at Newberg when he after the meeting, how FA would get up and talk and he would say that twice a million.

That's a pretty word for an alcoholic. You know how true that is. I thought, man, that is a pretty my life was a wreck.

At this time, like I said, my nickname was black, but I carried it everywhere. When he had six DWI, they had a, you know, I was sleeping on a park bench, but I didn't have a drinking problem. And you know what he did?

He walked away. He didn't say, "Let's do an intervention on him." He didn't say, "Tell my mom and dad wasn't ready." He I mean, he didn't say, "Let's put do an enter. Let's put him in a half." He just told my mom and dad I wasn't ready yet.

And I thank God he did that because I see a like a revolving door. More people come to alcoholic economics and go back out than you do today. You know that saying keep coming back.

It's harder to keep coming back than to stay. And I had to beat my head another four years. I did at that time I like I said I didn't think I was an alcoholic but I did think I was a little nuts you know like I said and everything falling apart.

pending that six DWI and at the time was in Rocky River and that at that time there was a blind judge in Rocky River and he didn't like people that had uh that had DWI and he would put people in prison because they had two WIS and I had sick and I told my mom I don't think I am an alcoholic but I do think I'm a little nuts and I went to psychiatric treatment. I went into a psych ward at St. Vincent here.

I went into the psychward there and I've been to a few psychiatric hospitals since I've been in the program. That might have been one of the best. They had a ping pong table there, a pull table.

They were giving me free drugs. I literally had it made, you know, and they had to kick me out of there and they did. Now I got to go to court in Rocky River and I'm living at the time.

I'm back with my mom and dad and they're living in Northstead and I'm working at East 178th in St. Clair from 5:00 in the afternoon to 1:00 in the morning. And I walk in this courtroom, the judges that the lawyer that I had with the Bao kids godfather.

You know, I used to think I was nickel king double cool. Oh, I sat in a lot of jails, but I never went to prison. You know, it cost my mom and dad dearly to keep me out of prison.

I'm not talking material things. It cost happiness from their smile, joy from their hearts, and peace from their eyes to keep me out of prison. And I walked in this courtroom.

This was a blind judge, but he looked to give me three years loss of license, two years probation. You got to see a probation officer once a week, 60 days of jail, and $312 fine. I was ready to fire my lawyer in court.

I told the lawyer what I thought about. I told the baiff, but I but I didn't tell the judge. And I'm yelling at that lawyer and that baiff and and and and uh and I'm telling him I he didn't even give me my license for back and forth to work.

26 years of age. You got to have some type of responsibility in your life. You got to have some type of responsibility in your life.

And the judge call they called me back and the judge came here and he kept us everything except the 60 days in jail. He suspended. He said something in my ears popped open.

He said, "Fred, you could have your license back in 90 days." And I said, "What do I got to do?" He says, "All you got to do is go to three AA meetings a week." I told the judge, "You can keep my license." And he did. I wasn't an alcoholic. I didn't have a drinking problem.

What is an alcoholic? Pal is over. 26 years of age, living in North D, working at the East 78 in St.

Clair from 5:00 in the afternoon, and 1:00 in the morning. You know who's driving me back and forth to work? My mother.

And that's the way I live. That was my life. You better believe I loved Alcoholic Anonymous.

It saved my life. Thank God for it. Now, I want to bring you up to my last drum.

Now I'm 30 years of age and I'm living in Parma and I'm working in Ravena and I don't even own a car. You know one man that's a pretty word for an alcoholic. I like I told my mom and dad why I didn't have a car.

I said mom and dad I don't have a why I'm missing work. I said I told them I'm missing work cuz I don't have a car. Two weeks prior to my last drunk my mom and dad went out and bought me a car for 325 bucks and they told me to go live and I'm living in my car and I had took a bath for a couple weeks.

and stuck and I'm dirty and I'm sick and I hear through the grave and my mom and dad are going to New York to visit my sister. I call my mom on the phone. I said, "Ma, please.

Well, you and dad are in New York. Could I just come home and get a little bit of rest?" What I would have done for a little bit of rest, you know, when I think about that, I was in treatment 28 days. They they made me write down a lot of stuff.

They they asked me a lot of question. They even made me do a fourth and fifth step when I was in treatment. and all that stuff that I've written down.

I still have it in up in the attic in a filing cabin. You know, I used to look at occasion. Haven't looked at it over what 15 years.

And I don't remember all those questions, but this is another one. I'll never forget this question. This was one of the questions they asked me and and I'll never forget this one.

We were sitting around the group and it got to me and they said, "Fred, why are you really here? Why are you really here?" And I believe with all the honesty at that time, I believe I told him this truth. I said, "I'm there just to get some sleep." what I would have done for some sleep.

Wow. >> You know, you know, that's not what I was looking for. You know, there have been a lot of nights I've been in a lot of nights in AA that I haven't got much sleep, but now I can lay down in that pillow and feel that peace.

That's the gift. If you haven't felt that, you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm a member of that.

I don't KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I feel good. >> I feel good. You better believe I love Alcoin.

saving my life. You know, I I remember early on in my sobriety man early on I I couldn't I couldn't put two hours. I It took me a long time before I could sleep through the night, you know.

You know, I I'll go to a halfway house and I'll talk to a guy there and he's been in there a couple weeks and he'll say, "Oh, I slept through the night." Man, I it took me a long time. I I just I thank God for a man. There was midnight meetings.

I hit on a for a long time, you know. Um but uh that Saturday my mom said, "Okay, that Saturday my mom and dad left to New York. That car they bought me for 325 bucks.

I sold for $75." Then Sunday came along as my boss. I got to be at work at 9:00 at night. I don't think I can make it.

And all he said to me is Fred, if you're not here tonight, I don't know if I can guarantee your job. I said, "I I think I I don't think I'll make it." He repeated it. So I said, "I'll borrow my brother's car." And I grabbed a bottle of black velvet.

And I and I went to that guy that died handcuffed to bed was living in the attic and Bree and all I remember going to that house and drinking that black velvet till I passed up. I don't remember that guy being there. He might have been doing his own thing.

He might even have been out of town at the time. He worked for a moving company. And then Monday came along.

I'm sick and I ain't got no money and I know where to go and I don't know who to call. But I got my brother's bank book and he's got $50 in his bank. I go to his bank and I take $45 out and I go down to 50/50 in Woodland.

I get something. and I had to be sick. And then Tuesday came along and I'm sick and I ain't got no money and I don't know where to go and I don't know who to call.

Where am I going to go? Who am I going to call? So I drive down the 50/50 in my brother's car and I found my brother's car and I took a rapid back to this house and I'll never forget this when I wal I know I walked for a while.

I remember being on that rapid train. You know, my life was a mess. Hadn't taken a bath in a couple weeks.

I sunk and I was dirt. I walked up that I remember Matt sitting at that round kitchen table and every time I tell the story it's like me seeing him sitting there and on that kitchen table was that bottle of black belt with still that much left in it. I walked up the steps I was shaking.

I was scared. Soon as he said me said, "Fred, you better drink that." Soon as he said those words, I ran out of that house and I ran from that house to this bar and I cried out, "God, there's got to be something better. There's just got to be something better." And I didn't know who to call.

Who you going to call? The only person I can think to call was a guy I went to school with. I was godfather to one of his daughters.

I called this guy on the phone. I said, "Ralph, I owe him money at the time." I said, "Ralph, can you help me?" And he said, "You know what he said? He said he couldn't help me." I don't know what you call that.

Total helplessness. Totally despair. Deep down in your guts crying for help and hearing no help available.

I don't want to ever have to go through that again. Then I said, "Ralph, put your wife on the phone." I said, "Marielen, you got to help me." She said, she says she couldn't help me. And I didn't know what to do.

And I don't know how long they sat in there in that bar, but I don't want to ever forget this next phone call. I just told you what happened prior to this phone call. And you know who's on the other end of that line?

My mother. And you know what she said? She said, "Come home." And if I go home, it's going to be the same.

Every day I went home. When is it going to be different? Day in and day out, I went home.

And I must have told her I had no way to get home. And she said she picked me up. And I didn't want her to pick me up where I was.

and and I I so I walked and I walked to the it was a bowling alley at the time. They had like this little ledge and I sat on this ledge. Hadn't even seen the step gym.

Didn't know anything about the step. But that day on that ledge, I took an inventory. Probably the best inventory I ever took in my life.

And you know that inventory, if you tooken that inventory, you know what I'm talking about. You know the inventory I'm talking about. The inventory I'm really talking about is that main inventory where you look down in the deep end of your guts and you see the real I look down in the deep end of my guts and I seen the real friend Jack and I didn't like anything about me.

I don't want to ever forget that. I hope on April 20 on on September 30th of 2008. I hope I prayed this morning like I prayed on April 25th of 24th of 1984 the same way and I noticed that the real pig a real disgrace I pray God please help me please help me and on April 25th of 1984 those two prayers that I answered cried out for were answered immediately he didn't say come back a week from today or we'll do this thing tomorrow I walked in this M's office this lady looked at me.

She said, "This is a 28 day broke program and I broke down. I started to cry." And I said to her, "That's not enough time. Just let me stay." In the back of my mind, I thought I was going to go in there and die peaceful.

See, I gave up. I surrendered. I just couldn't go on no more.

And you know what she said to me? She said, "Things will get better." And when I ran from that house to that bar, I cried out, "GOD, THERE'S GOT to be something better." And you know what I'm going to tell you all tonight? From that day to this day, things have gotten better.

Not at the pace I'd like it. Not at the pace I wanted to be. But if I want to be honest with you tonight, I can tell YOU WE'RE A WHOLE LOT BETTER.

A whole lot better. Then that second prayer God helped me was answered in the form of a book. A book.

She handed me this big blue book. She said, "This program is based on this book." And on the cover of that book, it said Alcoholic Anonymous. And I don't know about you, but I'm powerless over alcohol.

I'm an alcoholic and I believe on April 25th of 1984, I believe I received the greatest gift that any alcoholic would receive and I'm a firm believer in that. I believe this is a gift. This is a gift.

I didn't do nothing to earn this and I was told to do nothing earn how do you pay a back? How can you pay alcoholic anonymous bet? Every time you put in a you get back 10fold and more.

Every time you give, you get more. Wow. You're telling me every time I give I'm going to get more.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I FEEL GOOD. WHERE DO I START? >> Where do I start?

I'm a member of that fellowship. I think about that. You know, like I said, I hear what you like you said, you hear with your eyes, not with your ear, you know.

Come in these room. Just sit in these rooms. You know, I I sit in these rooms and I watch those, you know, those guys that come in the meeting and they'll sit way in the back.

As soon as the the lead over, they'll run out of here. the run out of here. WHY WOULD I TREAT MY ALCOHOLIC AND MY A any way different than I did my drinking?

Why would I treat it any different? I never went into A BAR AND SAY, "OH, I'M GOING TO ONLY HAVE A COUPLE AND I'M GOING TO GO HOME." WHY WOULD I OH, I ONLY WANT A COUPLE THINGS YOU HAVE TO OFFER HERE. I'M GOING TO GO HOME.

That ain't me. I don't want just a piece of THE PIE. I WANT the whole pie, THE WHIPPED CREAM ON TOP, the cherry.

I want it all. I'll even TAKE YOURS IF YOU LET ME. That's me.

That's me, you know. And and and that's what I did, you know. I I'm selfish.

I'll be honest with you. I I I don't want I just don't want a part. I want all that good stuff.

You know, if you just want not drinking and going to meetings, I'll guarantee you'll taste the rest of your life. I'll guarantee that. I'll even go one farther than that.

You don't even have to come to our meetings. Just don't drink. You're not going to get drunk.

Just don't drink. You're not going to get drunk. I don't want all that good stuff.

You know that good stuff it says in that book. It's in there. It's in there and it happened.

I know it happened. I just told you I was going to share what it was like, what happened, what it's like. Just share what it was like, what happened.

I want to share a little bit of what it's like today. It's AA's attraction rather than promotion. I'm not here to promote AA, you know.

I'm just not. Here are the steps we took. You know, like I said, you hear what your eyes bought.

Watch that person. You know that person I'm talking that guy. You know the guy with that smile.

You know I want that smile and that gleam. You know the smile and the gleam. Look at that that guy that's got that smile and the gleam in his eye.

How do you get that smile and gleam? I want that. The last date I went on with the girl part of when I came away was three years.

I couldn't get a girl to go out with me. You know that's another thing I have a hard time with. You know a guy will just get out of cheating center for he'll be out for about a month.

you know, say, "Oh, I can't go to a meeting tonight. Uh, I got to stay home and take my girlfriend out." Girl, give me a break. You know, yeah, I couldn't get a girl to go out meeting and call her a girlfriend, you know.

But I was working on a truck one night and a guy came up to me said, "Fred, why don't you take my cousin out?" I jumped at the chance. Nobody nobody else would go. And I took her out and on that date, I wet my pants.

The next day, he came to me and said, "My cousin don't want to see you no more." Girls own guys that drink like pigs. And girls are guys that don't take baths. And girls don't own guys that wet their pants.

Now maybe you got those girls, but I sure didn't. You know, October 24th in 1987, I was married. Not only she my wife, she's my best friend.

Now, I might not be her best friend, but she's mine. You know, I met I met Mary when I was two and a half years sober. Two years and seven months sober, I met Mary.

And at two years and seven months sober, I knew to do three things. That's it. Just three things I knew to do at two years and seven months sober.

I knew not to drink. I knew to come to these meetings. I knew to shake people's hand.

That's it. That's all I knew. So I met Mary and what else?

The only place I I I asked her out and the place the only place I could take to take her was in the Navy and my first date was in the Navy and you know that night I led the meeting and she still married me. I amazed me. I still can't believe that today.

You know I look back on him I've been getting when I was dating Mary. I we were dating for about three months. Now I'm two years and 10 months over and we're dating for about three months.

And she comes up to me one night after we were dating. She said, "Fred, have you ever bought deodorant cologne?" I never bought deodorant and cologne my life. Why would I start now?

You know, I never bought that in my life. You know, you know, it amazes me some people, you'll go to you can go to some of these places, you know, these guys, these alcoholics today, they come in, they got a wardrobe of clothes, you know, and uh they got a car, you know, you know, the the requirement to get into a halfway house today is you got to have a car, a cell phone, >> and and and you're welcome. Come on in.

You now you're welcome. You know, >> you know, I had nothing. You know what?

You know, after I was done praying in the morning, I used to say to God, "Please keep her in the fog. Don't let her know what she's got. Don't let >> I'm blessed, man.

I really am, man. God's been good." Fred Jackamas, how can I pay alcoholic anonymous back? I can come to your meetings and put your chairs away and lead your meetings and secretary meeting and chair your meetings.

I can come here and be the best AA you want me to. I can dab you with sobriety room just like that. I don't believe I work my program in an AA room.

I work my program when I'm alone. I believe it's my thoughts and my actions. I don't believe this is an outside job.

I believe it's an inside job. I don't believe it's how I look on the outside. It's how I feel on the inside.

And I don't know about you, but I feel good. >> I feel good. I I got to share this one story.

I remember we were on our we got married and we were on our honeymoon and we were we were going to Florida and we were on a plane. I got false teeth, you know, and I used to when early on I used to take them out. I don't hardly wear them anymore.

She doesn't like it, but uh but I used to take them out when we ate early on. And then we were on this plane and I I we got a sandwich and I I got on this plane. I took my teeth out, I guess, and I ate this sandwich and I must have fell asleep after I ate the sandwich.

Uh, and I woke up and I said, "Mary, I can't find my teeth." And she and I said, "I don't know where they're at." And about 15 minutes later, there three aisle down, there was this little girl yelling out, "Mommy, mommy, I found somebody's teeth." >> >> November 18th of 1988, my wife was in labor for almost 26 hours. Uh, her sponsor was there and my sponsor was there. See, my wife, when I met my wife and I introduced her to my sponsor, I said, "Dave, I met a girl." And Dave, I'm sorry I ever did that cuz Dave said, "You know, if you have anything to do with this guy here, you got to go to those meetings over there." My wife's a member of Alanon.

She got a black belt in Alanon. Alanon's put me in the couch and in the basement lots of nights, you know. But her sponsor, my sponsor was there and uh and she like I said she had a rough time 46 hours and they stayed up all night.

I I even slept. They used to give me a hard time about that early on. You were sleeping through it and we were up.

But the next morning doctor said we got to do a C-section right away. And they asked me and they said I could come in there and I was in there with my first time. Wow.

I'll never forget that. How am I going to forget that? This kid's going to be 20 years of age this year.

He gives me big hugs and kisses. He doesn't like to give me hugs and kisses anymore, but I make them, you know, and uh he's in his second year of college. his first year of college uh he made the honor society you know uh 20% his gra 20% of the nations all the nation's profession class you know how can I pay back the project what is the price tag I always think about that what is the price tag you know what is the price tag you So uh you know what is it?

How many meetings is it? Is it 10,000 meetings? How many chairs?

30,000 chairs. How many drunks do I got to pick up? How many funerals do I got to go to?

How many hospital visits? What is the price tag? What is the price tag?

Every time I give, every time I put in alcoholic anonymous, I get back 10fold. Every time I give, I get more. There used to be a saying that used to go around in a This was a saying, if you don't drink and come to these meetings long enough, it's going to get so good, it's going to start to scare you.

Wow. If you don't drink and come to these meetings long enough, it's going to get so good it's going to start to scare you. Another one of those things I I after I was done praying in the morning, I just say to God, "God, please scare me.

Please scare me. I love to be scared." You know, I'll try anything. I'll try anything.

After August 5th of 1990, I quit saying that prayer cuz my second son was born. And this Giani is a maniac. This kid's a This kid's just like me.

This kid's a mad man. Now I got a Giani and a Mario running around. How can I pay alcohol in the back?

I can't pay at all. I could come to your meeting and put all your chairs away and leave your meeting secretary and chair you. I could come here and be the best angel you I could get.

I don't believe I work my program. I I work my program when I'm alone. It's my thoughts and my action.

I don't believe this is an outside job. I believe it's an inside job. It's not how I look on the outside.

It's how I feel on the inside. And I don't know about you, but I feel good. I feel good.

Three more stories. ones about my mom, my dad, and my sponsor. I don't want to get carried away, you know.

I think I I can't get carried away, but I don't, you know, you know, I I really, you know, but I got I shared three more stories, you know, like I said, because I don't believe they a for me. I believe they for the people that love me. You know, at some meetings, they'll ask, "Is there anybody that if is there anybody we could pray for?" You know, they'll ask at the meeting.

And I always think about that. And you'll hear, "Oh, pray for this guy and pray for that guy." And you know, that's fine. And Danny, you know, you pray and then then you'll hear some statements, oh, well, God looks out for alcoholics and and babies.

And I I I kind of believe that, but I I I understand today why he looks out for the alcoholic. So to protect the innocent victim. To protect the innocent victim.

You know, I had six DWI. That would have been that could have been six times I could have killed somebody. It ain't not for me.

It ain't for me. Ain't for them. That's who we should be praying for.

Those innocent victims. If I go out and drink, everybody's in trouble. Everybody's in trouble.

I was three months over and my mom came up to me and she and she she had that smile on her face and and I go, "Ma, what's the matter?" She said, "You know what? Guess what, Fred?" And I knew I I I knew I just felt it. And she goes, "Guess what?" And she says, "You know what, Fred?

I love you." I knew she loved me. I knew she loved me. She was my mother.

But at that point in time, in that moment, I felt that. And if that's all I get out of Alcoholic Anonymous, that would be enough. That would have been plenty.

I don't need any more. That would have been enough. And then she went on and said something and I'll never forget this.

I'll never forget this. She said, "Guess what, Fred? I don't have to do it anymore." And I go, "What?

Three months of sobriety." This is what she said. I don't have to go in my room and get down on my knees and pray that you'll be all right. Three months of relief.

Three months. I don't have to go in my room and get down on my knees and pray that you'll be all right. Wow.

Can we please shut our pages and our cell phones off? Give me a break. Give me a break.

I wonder how my mom feels tonight after 24 years, 5 months and five. You know, there there's been a lot of nights in Alcoholic Anonymous and my mom's had a lot of has been a lot more grateful for Alcoholic Anonymous than I've ever been. a lot of nights.

And then I think about that, you know, my mom didn't pray for one year. She didn't pray for five years. She didn't pray for 10.

She prayed for 16 years. 16 years. She didn't give up.

She didn't say, "Well, it's not going to work." Day in day out, she prayed. And through her prayers and the prayers of the people in this room, I received a gift. My mom didn't get a gift.

I got the gift. See, I don't know about you, but 99910 of the time when I go to an AA meeting, when I leave there, I feel better. 999 there might be that one tenth of the time when I go to a meeting, when I leave there, I might not feel and that's on me.

Something might have happened or somebody might have said something, but that's on me. But 999, so what I get here, I better take out there because if I don't, I'm cheating you and I'm cheating me. And most of all, I'm cheating God.

So if I'm working with somebody, he's going in and out, in and out, I got to remember my mom never gave up. She didn't say, "Well, it's not going to work." And you believe, you know what I believe? I believe the greatest gift I could ever do for an alcoholic is get down on my knees and pray.

That's it. That's the gift. That That's the message.

There's only one message to carry. There's only one message. And the message is the three pertinent ideals.

That's the message. All I had to do is get up here and say, "Hey A, I'm an alcoholic and could not manage my own life. B, no human power could relieve MY ALCOHOL." SEE, GOD could and would have thought.

That's the message. There's no other message. That's the message.

Now, 14 months over, my dad had that smile and that gleam. You know that smiling gleam I was talking about, that smiling. Could you imagine going to an AA meeting and everybody in the room sitting like this?

Man, I got to be AT ANOTHER A ANOTHER NIGHT. Another night. I want that smile and gleam.

How do you get that smile and that gleam? I want that. And he had that smiling dream.

I looked and this is the same father used to say, "If he was lying on the street dead, I'd be picking his pocket and taking the rings off his finger. and uh had that smile and guy looked at said, "Yeah, what's the matter?" You know what he said? He said, "He's the happiest man in the world." And I asked him why.

He said, "Because I'm his son." Now, I'm not going to tell you I felt that happiness in the last 24 years in five months and five days. But that day, I felt that happy. And if that's all I got out of alcohol economics, that would have been plenty.

That would have been enough. That would have been enough. I don't need any more.

You know what? Uh little bit over four, five years at Thanksgiving and my dad passed away. In the morning that he passed away, I got to shave in the morning that he passed away.

Wow. Now, everybody might think, "Well, what's the big deal?" That's a big deal. That's a big deal because if I was out there using when I was out there using when my dad would go to the hospital, he didn't only take his checkbooks with him.

He take his checkbooks and all his checks. And you know I go and visit him. Why I go and visit him?

Because I wanted to steal his checks. I don't know about you, but I feel good. I'm a member of that fellowship.

How do I pay a back? How can I pay alcoholic anonymous bad? You know, I always think what is the great, you know, I I I I I always think to myself since the the longer I stay sober and and the more things that happen, I always think, what is the greatest gift that ever jack, you know, I received a lot of gifts, even when I was out there drinking and I received a lot of gifts in sobriety, but what is the greatest gift that I ever received?

I always think about that. What is the greatest gift? And the greatest gift that I ever received was Alcoholic Anonymous.

Wow. What a gift. About three years ago, my sponsor was diagnosed with lung cancer.

Dave Waldron. I don't know if I've ever met anybody with had more uh did more parade than he did. You know, this guy was so active, you know, was amazing.

As long as I'm living, he's never going to be dead. But a week before he died, his wife called May called up Mary and said, "Mary, Dave woke up this morning, asked me to take him to the hospital so he can die." I think about that. That's the same way I felt on April 25th of 1984.

The same exact way. I just wanted to go somewhere. I just didn't have it anymore.

I just couldn't live anymore. I just didn't have that fight anymore. I just wanted to go some.

And they told me if you go to these meetings over here, Fred, your life will get better. I wonder if they tell all the patient cancer patients in the world, if you go to those meetings over there, your life is going to get better. You know, we won't even have to open the doors.

They'd be knocking the the walls down to get into the rooms. He went to that hospital and he died. I came to Alcoholic Anonymous and I live.

See, I'm selfish. I really am. I believe on April 25th, I believe in on uh in in in in 1935, two drunks got together for one reason only so Fred Yakamo could have it in April 25th of 1984.

And it took from 198 1935 1984 you people to keep the doors open for me and I thank you for that. And that tells me I have a responsibility to the fellowship of Alcoholic Anonymous. I'm not talking about the program.

I'm talking about the fellowship and I believe the only fellow the only responsibility I have to this fellowship is to keep those doors open cuz I don't know who's going to need AA tomorrow but if they do I hope there's a place for them to go because I always think where would I have gone on April 25th of 1984 if AA was in here I would have had nowhere to go nowhere nowhere to go who knows and my son might need it someday I'll kill him before he does you But I don't even have to I don't even I don't even worry about that. I probably have to save his life. My wife got a black belt.

I probably married Leave him alone. There's a place for him to go. You know, >> he got a black belt.

Now, I want to close with this. Uh my my more actually my son's uh wrote a poem this April for my 24th year of sobriety. To be 24 years sober, Fred, is a mountain climb.

However, you have said all along that this is only one day at a time. You have never criticized someone for going back out. In addition, you were always there to welcome them back without a doubt.

You married not knowing what you were getting indeed. Nevertheless, you stuck by me through all my defects and never once treated me like a bad seat. Love, Mary.

Dad, I love you. Get 24 years more. As long as you are sober, it doesn't matter if we're rich or poor.

Keep your life clean and stay away from the bottle. You start heading down the way, reverse and full throttle. Love, Mario.

24 years sober. I am happy for you, Pops. You are big and cool and I give you mad props.

You are a changed man and you love AA. You all take you also take us to see you lead even when it's far away. I want to congratulate you on 24 years.

Let the rain fall down and wash away my tears. Love, Giani. Love your fan club.

M Mary, Mario and Tiana >> and it rained today. >> What is the price tag? What is the price tag?

>> What is it? >> How many meetings is it? How many meetings?

How many chairs? How many drums? What is it?

What is the price tag? Without Alcoholic Anonymous, I have nothing. I have nothing.

without a I have nothing. I hope there there's these two people walking down the street and they're talking to each other and they don't see me, but this is what they say if they see me. Hey, you see that person there?

He's a member of Alcoholic Anonymous. See, I'm proud to be a member of a It's right here at the top. It goes everywhere I go.

It goes everywhere I go. Like I said, I don't work my program in any room. I work my program in alone.

I don't believe it's my thoughts and my I believe it's my thoughts and my enemy. I don't believe it's an outside job. I believe it's an inside job.

It's not how I look on the outside. Even though I do look pretty good, it's how I feel on the inside. And I don't know about you, but I feel good.

I feel good. Thank you for listening. a lot of pressure.

>> >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.

>>