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We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Hello everybody. My name's Perry and I'm an alcoholic.

>> You know that that's like special is a good man. You know, it it just uh it it blows me away that people think about me like that. It just I'm amazed at the the power of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and a higher power who I choose to call God.

I'm just amazed at the transformation in my life and and the person that I've become, not as a result of my thinking. My thinking got me to a place where I stood at a path and followed a path that was trudged by alcoholics before me and I turned into the person that they told me that I would do if I just did what was suggested. You know, it's it's it's an awesome the most awesome part of this is I'm standing in front of, you know, 50 or 60 of my closest friends talking about something that I've been talking about for consistently for 17 years as of last Friday.

And that's you know, prior coming down. Thank you. That, you know, that that is a direct result of you guys in these steps and and God.

But, you know, before I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, if I did something for like a week, that was as consistent as I could get. And I mean, that that was everything in my life. If I could go to school for five days straight, if I could keep a job for five days in a row, you know, if I could keep my driver's license for five days, if I could stay out of jail for five days, you know, these were things that just weren't part of my life.

Um, I started drinking fair, you know, I' I've been in the rooms long enough to to not be under the illusion that 11 years old is early to start drinking cuz it's not. I mean, what the hell else are you going to do on a Saturday and a Sunday when you're 11 if you ain't drinking? You know, what are you going to do?

Do things that 11year-old kids? That's boring. You know, throw a little ripple pagan pink into me at 11.

And man, I was having fun, you know? I mean, what are you going to do at 11 if you don't drink? So, 11 years old, I uh I I drank before 11, but they were just like, you know, just accidental occasions.

It wasn't, you know, it just happened. When I was 11 years old is when I took that first conscious drink with the sole intent purpose of getting drunk. It was me and a couple other 11 year olds.

And I lived in Pacifica and I I lived in Pacific Manor and I had these two other buddies and we decided well I decided I think it was me that made the I I always had great ideas. I always had great ideas and I had a great idea and I said let's get drunk. And I mean when you say that to some kids they don't know what you mean by drunk.

But these two that I were hanging out with ex knew exactly what I was talking about. So we made a decision. We went to 7-Eleven and that's when 7-Eleven meant they opened at 7 in the morning and they closed at 11:00 at night.

They weren't 24 hours. They were 7-Eleven. And we went to the 7-Eleven and we stole some uh Ripple Wine Pagan Pink.

I I always that was the my drink of choice for many years. And we we we each stole a bottle and we went back to Pacific Manor Beach. Now, if anybody knows Pacific Manor Beach, it's right at the end of Manor Drive and it's like sand on top, then there's like a 40ft cliff, then there's a beach in the in the water.

So, we go back there and we're drinking this ripple wine and you know, everything's going fine. I mean, it's just it's a wonderful day in paradise. And uh we finish the bottles of wine and these two kids, you know, it's like 5:30 and at 11 years old, 5:30 is like almost dinner time and you're expected to be home.

So, they go, you know, we're, you know, let's go home. And I'm thinking, no way. What do you mean go home?

We're just getting start. And I'm 11 and this is the first time I'm really going to get drunk. And I'm thinking, wait a minute, we ain't done.

And so, you know, I've never had a problem drinking alone. That's never been an issue of mine. And they said, "We're going home." And I said, "Okay, I'll I'll see you guys tomorrow in school." And they went home and I went back to the 7-Eleven.

And I stole another bottle of Ripple Wine, Peagan Pink, and they were like, they were pretty nicesized bottles. I guess for an 11-year-old, it's quite a bit of alcohol. So, I go back to the cliff because we're drinking on the top and I drink the rest of this bottle and I don't I don't remember what happened.

But I do know that when I came to I was at the bottom of this 40ft cliff and and I'm a I'm a blackout drinker. I could have walked down there. I could have slid down there.

I could have fell down there. I mean, there's a number of ways I could have got down that 40t. I just don't know which way it was.

But I knew this. However, I got down there, the experience was worth it. It didn't matter.

I was I wasn't broken. And you know, I just it was everything was fine. It was dark.

And I knew that I was way past the time when my 11-year-old person should have been out roaming the streets. But I didn't care. my life just opened up to this new horizon and it was just wonderful.

And I went home and those things that happened to 11 years old that show up at 9:30 at night after they didn't come home from school happened and it was okay. But that switch got turned on that day and every single day pro after that I always thought about getting drunk every day. The next morning, I woke up and was going to go to school and I thought maybe I'd stop by the 7-Eleven on the way to school, you know, just to get a little pickme up before I get there so I can deal with this 11.

You know, I think I was a junior or like sixth grade. You know, it'll make school a lot more school becomes a lot more interesting after you've had a few drinks before you get there at 11. So, you know, this is this is the way I drank and I don't know if I ever crossed a line.

I know that I loved being on the other side of that line. The people that weren't where I was looked bored. I mean, they just look so bored.

But I was having a great time, you know? I mean, I was having a great time. I'd go to parties.

I'd drink. I'd throw up. I'd get in a fight.

I was always I'd get beat up, you know? I I never knew how I got home, but I always ended up there. And then I'd get beat up again, you know.

I mean, I life was grand. Life was grand. So, you know, that's kind of the way the whole story goes.

I I moved away from Pacifica and I was very resentful because it's like a first girlfriend. You never forget that first girlfriend, but you also never forget that first drunk. And I was really resentful that my parents took me away from this area that I developed these drunken relationships of my little junior high school buddies.

And they moved me to San Jose, California. And everything went downhill once I got here. I mean, immediately because they got me here and I ran away back to Pacifica.

I gathered up my posi and we were headed to Hate Ashberry to become hippies. I mean, that's what I wanted to do. I I just, you know, I I knew being a hippie was way cool.

I was going to go hate Ashberry. I had no idea what hippies did, but I knew that they were having a good time because they were always on the news talking about all the good times they were having. And I just knew I wanted to be part of See, I always wanted to be part of some big movement.

I wanted to be part of something cuz my life was boring. So, I run away and I gather up my little drunken posi in Pacifica and we decide we're going to hate Ashberry and I probably been away for the night and we're standing on this road going out of Pacifica, the three of us, and my folks drive up and I'm thinking now, how the hell did they find me? You know what?

They San Jose is like 40 miles away. Why would they think that I would be right here at this moment in time hitchhiking to the hate Ashberry? They're mind readers, you know?

I They What the hell is going on? But they throw me in the car, they bring me back to San Jose, and I'm still not going for the San Jose thing. I mean, it's just not working for me, guys.

So, I run away again, but this time they don't come and get me. Th this time I dug a hole in the ground and I put some leaves and branches over the top and I I see I've also I'm also one of these kind of guys that if I see a movie I become the movie. You know I heard a guy say that here the other night from the podium and I was so relieved that I'm not the only one.

I seen this movie when I was about 10 years old called My Side of the Mountain. And it was about this kid who runs away from home and he goes out into the woods and he burns a hole in a big oak tree and he makes his little fort and he goes out and and kills turtles and eats the turtle and uses the shell for a bowl and he kills deer and he wears their skins and that's what I was going to do in Pacifica. You know, I wasn't brave enough to go out to the mountains.

I figured Pacifica was a was good enough. There's got to be something around there that I can cut and make a coat out of. And you know, somebody's pet turtle that wandered into my path was in trouble.

But, you know, I I I it was great for about two days. But, you know, now I'm like 12 years old and in two days sleeping underground, you know, in this little hole that I dug out. Somebody seen me and they called the police.

Now, now the police get involved. This is when it really gets fun cuz, you know, now I'm like I'm I those those characters, those heroes that I had when I was a kid, the Salmanos, the Marlon Brandos, the the bad guys, you know, so now I've evolved from the uh wilderness guy to all of a sudden now I'm going to juvenile hall and I'm turning into that next phase of my life, the bad guy. You know, hey, you know, I can remember being in junior high school and the police coming in and cuffing me and taking me out and taking me to jail.

Oh, was you were somebody, you know, when you got back to school, it was like, wow, you know, hey, that's pretty cool. Yeah, them handcuffs, they were nothing, you know. It's they practically didn't even fit around my wrist, you know.

So, I'm in and out of jail now. It's 13. Now I'm 13 and my drinking is really becoming a lot of fun cuz I'm doing a lot of traveling through the institutions throughout California, the juvenile institutions and I'm meeting all sorts of interesting characters.

I mean these guys, you know, any of you guys that go went to jail a lot and you grow up in that system, you know, those are your boys, man. I mean, every time you go to jail, they're there. You know, it it's only a scary place the first time.

Once you make some friends, I guarantee you they'll follow you through all the institutions. They're just there. You know, every time you go in, your homeboys are there.

You don't got nothing to worry about. You're always hooked up for the cigarettes. Anything that's going around jail, you've got a connection for it.

Uh you usually got a friend that works in the kitchen, so hamburgers once in a while, you know, aren't a bad, you know, I mean, it's just you got it made. My life is great. You know, I'm okay with jail.

It's It's a lot easier than out here. I don't have to worry about making a living. I made the living when I got arrested.

So, you know, I'm doing that whole gig and I ain't even 17 yet. I'm not even 17 and I'm just having a wonderful time. So, so I get out when I'm 17 and just like I said, five days, not very consistent.

Within that 5 days, I get arrested again. And this time, it's a little it's a little more uh I was a burglar for a brief moment in time because I watched a get, you know, what Alexander Monday. And I mean, you know, he was a very successful, very successful burglar.

It takes a thief. Yeah. There, you know, I had seen an episode and I became that episode.

So I I but I but I he stole diamonds. I sold booze. You know, I broke into houses and I'd go I'd break into your house.

I'd go past your jewelry box. I'd go past your gun safe. I'd go past anything because burglary makes me thirsty.

and I'd go into your house and I'd head straight for the liquor cabinet and I'd grab the biggest bottle of I I I'm not a preference drinker, you know, brown, clear, I just doesn't matter. It just purple, I don't care, you know. I just whatever's there.

And I twist off the top and I'd start drinking the bottle of booze. And I don't know about what kind of drunk you are, but once I get a little heat going on, I get a little hungry. So I open up your refrigerator and I mean ham sandwiches, cheese, turkey, whatever you got cuz this is before microwaves.

So it's cold, you know, cold snacks and and and so I make a sandwich and I'm drinking the booze and you know when I'm eating and drinking, I like to watch a little television, too. So then I sit on your couch and the whole time I'm supposed to be a burglar, okay? I'm not there for a party.

So, I sit down on your couch and I'm jumping on your sandwich and I'm drinking your booze and I'm watching the TV and I always get a little tired after I get a little hungry and I get a little drinking and I go to sleep and sometimes I'm there when you get home and so obviously burglary isn't. So, I'm back at jail. I'm back in jail and I get in front of a judge and he accuses me of doing something I did and I I'm not the not guilty guy in jail.

I'm not that guy. For me, I'm used to going to jail. I committed this problem.

I'm not going to fight it. You know I did it. I know I did it.

They say, "Hey, look, we're going to give you this sentence. You just plead guilty today. We'll sentence you and you can get on down your happy road of destiny." So they'd ask me, "How do you plead?" I plead guilty.

They'd give me my time and I'd move on. Well, this day the judge gave me a choice. He said, "We could send you here for a while or you can join the army." And I thought, I can join the army.

And I'm 17 years old. I can drink because if you're 17 in the army, you can drink. I was going to be all I could be.

So they brought me down to a recruiter and I didn't know anything about going into the army. He said, "What do you want to be?" I said, "What do you got?" And he said, "Well, we could do this. We could do this." Well, long story short, I ended up being a tanker.

A guy driving a tank. And I said, "There's got to be a career after the army for tank drivers." He says, "Oh, yeah. You go into the army as a tank driver.

you come out, you can operate heavy equipment. You can do and I believe in him, but I'm not think I'm really not hearing him. I'm just thinking beer.

I'm going to get there and we're going to get beer because I can. And I go off to become GI Joe, you know, and I I've got to, you know, I'm I'm thinking this is the right move. So, I get to the army.

I get to uh it's a blur. It's a blur because I was in the army three different times under three different social security numbers. So, I don't know which base I was at this time, but it was one of the the many careers in the army.

So, I show up and these guys jump on the bus and they're yelling at me, "Stand up. Stand up straight. Put your chest out.

Do sit-ups. Do push-ups." Well, I've been in institutions for the past four years, so this didn't freak me out. You know, it freaked out a lot of people, but I wasn't one of them.

And the one thing that they said freaked me out. They said, "For the next four weeks, you're going to be restricted to the barracks area and there will be no drinking." Oh. You That sucked.

You know that I I You got to You got to remember I just got out of jail, was it was out five days, got arrested, got given a choice to go in the army. I'm thinking all the way back there on the plane and during the recruiting process and during the aes up in Oakland, I just can't wait to get there because it's it's like my oasis in the sea of sobriety at, you know, at the time. I just want to get there so I can drink.

And then I get there and they tell me you can't drink for a month. I'm not real good at following orders. So the minute we got done processing where they give you your clothes and they give you your shots and they give you all this stuff, I found just like at 11 a couple guys that thought kind of like the way I do.

And I said, "Hey, look, tonight he's got to go to sleep, that drill sergeant guy. When he goes to sleep, we're going to go to the club." And that's exactly what we did. We paid the firewatch guy.

We said, "Hey, the three of us are going to the club. You want some beer? We'll bring you back some.

We're going to go to the club." So, we put on dress greens. Now, anybody here's been in the army? I mean, there's a there's a way to wear dress greens and there's some little little things that go on the collar and there's some stuff that you need to wear and and there's a proper way to wear the dress greens in the military.

Well, when you just get them, you have no idea. They haven't got that far in telling you how to wear them yet. It's like day number two.

So, we put on the dress greens. They've got nothing on them. They're just green.

And we put on the little hat with the gold going around the front, you know, feeling like a soldier. And we head to the club and we get to the club and we're drinking the beers and you know, the rest of the guys in there are drunk so nobody notices that we look totally out of place. They're all in their just regular everyday green fatigues.

We're in, you know, the dress greens cuz we don't want to stand out. We kind of want to blend in. So, we're drinking and the same thing as 11 years old happens again.

I'm sitting there with these two other 17 18 year old guys and it's like about 9 10:00 11:00 and they say, you know, we should get back to the barracks because that that guy is going to be there in the morning. He's going to want us to be do whatever he needs us to do. And I said, you know, you guys, come on, man.

This this place don't close till two. 2 to 3, that's plenty of time for sleeping or just getting back. Don't worry about it.

We'll be all right. Oh, no, no, no, no. So, they take off and I said, "Well, you know what?

Don't worry about it. I'll be there. I'll be there." Just like 11.

But this time, I didn't wake up at the bottom of the cliff. I woke up in the ditch behind the EM club cuz I sleep in ditches. I don't I don't see an issue there.

It's not a problem. So, I get up and all of a sudden it's sunny. And you know how when you wake up and you passed out outside and you're sleeping in a ditch and it's hot and it's this is in the Midwest, so it's humid and my mouth is not working.

It's stuck together. And I get up out of the ditch and I got grass and weeds all over my beautiful new uniform and I look like the scarecrow, you know, with these weeds coming out of everywhere. And I go strolling down to the barracks and I our barracks out at like the bottom of this hill and I come strolling down the hill and I see all like 250 of them just standing attention and there's these eight guys in front of them with these big funny hats and they're yelling commands and I'm just chilling down the hill.

You know, I'm thinking I got to get a a toothbrush. I got to take a shower. you know, I'm not really, you know, how we feel in the morning after doing that.

That's how I'm feeling. So, I get down and all of a sudden, they're their their attention is no longer directed to the 200 guys in front of them. All of a sudden, all eight of those drill sergeants attention is directed to the And I, you know, now you know what we look like in the morning.

The the the jacket is unbuttoned. The shirt tails hanging out. The hat's on sideways.

You know, the the black shiny shoes are ugly, dirty mess. And I'm chilling, you know. Boom.

They're on me. All of them. All eight of them.

They just swarmed me. We know what swarming is, too, because that happens out here. They just swarmed me.

And they're yelling push-ups, sit up, stand up, sit down, they're yelling so many different things at once that they're expecting me to do. And I'm just I said to them, "Chill, you know, it'll be okay. You don't got to yell." I said, "Just let me go in there.

I'll take a shower. I'll brush my teeth. I'll get on some clothes.

and I'll be right out. Sounded like the logical thing to do. Uh I I was I was court marshaled.

I'd only been in the army three days. Five days. Remember, I can't do anything consistent.

I'd only been in the army three days. And they court marshaled me. They they uh they ended up giving me an article 15 or article 13, one of them articles.

I something. But the bottom line is they gave me another chance. Cuz see, we always get another chance.

We know how to talk. You know, you get up in front of these people. Now I've been shaved.

I've been my teeth have been brushed. I'm in a nice uniform. I'm standing up in front of these guys who know how to wear their uniforms.

You know, they know how to dress and they're, you know, they've got gold bars and gold leafs and everything. And and they're telling me just like I told you, I'm always guilty. They're telling me what I did.

I know they did it. They know I did it. They asked me, "What do I think?" I said, "Yeah, I did it.

It was a mistake. I promise if you give me one more chance, I will be the best." See, we never just tell them, "We're going to get better. I will be the best soldier in the United States Army.

If you just give me one more chance." And we're so sincere. We really mean it. It talks about that in the big book.

We make these promises to these people and we really, really mean it. But then when the heat's off, kind of like some of these court cards, when the heat's off and there's nobody breathing fire down our neck trying to make us get better, we forget. And that drink, we get thirsty.

And sure enough, it's inevitable. I drink again. I get in a lot more trouble.

And this time, they throw me out. And then I go back to San Jose, California, where it's I know it's screwed because San Jose sucks. I'm I get in nothing but trouble because of San Jose.

And I meet this beautiful lady sitting here in the front row. And I figure Kane, I thought she said, "What's my name? What's my name?" Kain.

The CD Kane. And uh so I meet her and I figure this out. I figure this out that all I need is a family because dad had a family.

And because dad had a family, he always paid the bills. He always went to work. There was always a roof over our head.

There was always clothes on our back and food in the refrigerator. That's the problem. Cuz now I'm like 18.

I This has all happened in, you know, the six years that I've been drinking. So I'm 18 and I think if I just get a family that'll be okay. So, I I convinced this lady that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to her and she should trudge this happy road to destiny with me.

And she's only 15 and I'm 18 and she's she's down with it, you know. So, we go off and uh we set up house and we have a baby or she has a baby, but we we start this little family and we we get really bored in the house that we live in because we only usually live in them for about 3 months. You know, they you go get a house and they want the first to last in the deposit and most of the time that's all you're going to get out of me.

and if I can con you out of one of those three deposits, I will because I'll promise you I will pay you. And so we we go out and several different moves and during this whole time there's two more trips to the army under two different social security numbers and uh you know life is grand. I mean I'm just now I've got a couple of kids and I'm dragging them around out there.

You know how we are in and out of my in-laws house. It was like vacation for them. We would move in, live there for a couple years, get our own apartment, move out for three months.

They'd get a breath. They'd get to get some semblance of normaly back into the house. And then here we would be back at their doorstep telling them how I didn't get paid.

They screwed me out of my paycheck. So as a result, the lights got turned off. The phone's not working.

Sorry you couldn't call us. you know, your grandkids are hungry. Um, there and and we don't have a place to live and they come on, come on in.

So, this goes on for many, many years. So, I'm an alcoholic. If you can relate to anything I said, there's probably a good chance you belong in this room.

Now, my story may not be your story, but the thing about it is it it's those feeding feelings of inadequacy I was feeling during this whole time. all I wanted to be, you know, I've always searched for something to help me get to be like them, you know, because I would see them, you know, at 6:00 in the morning when I've been wide awake for hours, I would be in front of my house and I would see them come walking out of their house, showered, neatly dressed, and get in their car and and go to work. And then about four o'clock in that afternoon, I'd be standing out in front of that same house, just as wide awake as I was this morning, and they would drive back up into their driveway and get out of their car, very neatly dressed, and go in.

And, you know, I wanted to do that. I wanted to be that kind of person, but I figured some of us were lawyers and some of us were convicts, and I was not going to be that kind of guy. I was that's just wasn't in the cards for me.

I was always going to be on this side of the of the law and the table and you know I got dealt a bad hand but someday my ship would come in. You know it would and and life would be great. But it never came in and you know all that fun and all those trips and all that great times I was having all of a sudden aren't so great anymore.

And you know, I can't put it together to go out and and run another game and do another hustle and make a few more bucks to make it one more day. And and and every morning I'm waking up and my head is just telling me, "What a freaking loser. You're a loser.

Why don't you just kill yourself? You know, your family will be taken care of by the man who's been taking care of them for the whole time you've had them. Why don't you just get out of their lives and let them move on?

Why do you continue to drag them down? And I want to do it. And I want to do it so bad.

I want to I want to straighten my life up so bad. So I go to church and and I I read I'm Okay, you're Okay. And I and I read Dionetics and and I read, you know, I read every book there is.

I read the Bible. I you know, I read them all. And and for a few moments, I'm I've got the spirit.

I'm life is going to be good. And and it just it's inevitable that demon comes back and I got to get loaded again. I got to get loaded.

It's no longer, you know, it's it's a party. We're we're going to get loaded this afternoon. And no, now it's like I got to get loaded and I have to stay loaded.

When I wake up in the morning, my thought is where am I going to get it? And when I go to sleep at night, oh I hope it's there in the morning. You know, there's no there's no more thinking, I'm going to I'm going to I'm going to sober up.

I'm going to do right. I've come to the end of the line. I've come to that pitiful, incomprehensible demoralization where life with it isn't working and life without it would kill me.

So, I wake up one morning and I'm sleeping outside in the pintago at the in-laws house. And every once in a while I can I can sleep in the house. They, you know, depends on if it's a good day or a bad day for the in-laws, whether they like me or they don't like me.

And and I'm okay with that. And, you know, they they think I'm I'm an animal. And I'm okay with that because I think I'm worse than an animal.

So, the animal thing is a step up. And I'm in the house one morning and and there's a pounding on the door. Now, now the the room that my family and I are living in is a room that's probably as big as this area right here.

And my children are sleeping on this side of the room in a bunk bed. And my wife and I are sleeping in a bed about as big as this table, a single bed. And everything that we've accumulated in our 13 years of marriage fit in a closet.

And it's not a walk-in. Everything. my whole life is is in that much space.

And I'm thinking up until this morning, I've got it going on. I'm going to get it together. Things are going to change.

I'm telling my wife as she's crying herself to sleep at night, don't worry, honey. I'm pretty quick. I'm going to turn it around.

I'll figure something out. And this is the best my figure and has got me to this point. So one morning I hear this rapping on I mean just a banging on the door and I open the door because when you come to that point in your life, you don't you're not afraid of anything.

You're not afraid of those connections that you've burned out there. You're not afraid of those people you've ripped off out there. It would be a welcome relief if you open that door and one of them was there with a gun.

I mean, you would just I I can't kill myself, but please kill me. So, I open the door and there's my brother-in-law, my beautiful, loving brother-in-law. And he's got a 12- gauge shotgun and he rounds a chamber and he sticks it up to my forehead and he tells me, "I'm going to blow your effing brains out if you don't give me my money." And see, he had thought I'd stole $20 from him.

and and he'd been up for like five days on on speed. So, he was ripe. He was ready to go.

The pump was primed. And so, all of a sudden, I'm thinking, "Wow, here's my chance out. Here's my way out.

I don't have to kill myself. I don't have to have my wife and children, who already know I'm a loser, now attach that stigmatism to me that he was not only a loser, but he was a coward." and he took the easy way out. I don't have to go out that way.

I can go out being murdered. And you know, that just sounds much more macho than committing suicide. You know, when you've never been macho and you've never been cool, you know, go out like the big guns have went out.

Go out in a blaze of glory and get some attention drawn to you. Woohoo. Look at me.

And I looked at him and I said, "You know, my father told me that if you ever use a gun on a tell a guy you're going to use a gun on him and you don't, be careful because he may use it on you." Not a smart thing to say for a guy who's been up for 5 days on speed, rounded a chamber, and has his finger on the trigger and at your forehead, unless you want to die. He looked at me and he threw the gun on his bed and he said, "You're crazy." And when you have a man in that shape telling you you're crazy, I had a moment of clarity. I really did.

I had that what we call that spiritual experience right at that very moment. That was October 5th, 1988. And during all of this insanity that's going on, that's normal for my life.

This is nothing unusual. Crazy stuff like this happens all the time. It's just a little more intense right now.

My my one 10-year-old daughter at the time, she's standing right next to me. It's not even phasing her and she's playing this little handheld Nintendo game. You know, it's like this is this is home.

And my little six-year-old daughter turned white as a ghost and took off down the hall. Now this stuff had been happening my entire life with them. This was not unusual.

This was very everyday stuff for my for what my life was had become at that time and my children living in that insanity. This was but for one time God gave me that privilege that thing that if you've got it and you got here behind it, hold on to it. He gave me that one time that I got to look through somebody else's eyes and see what was actually happening in my life.

What was actually going on? The monster I had created finally became visual to me. And I seen this and it was just it was just overwhelming.

And I went into the bathroom because the best my best thinking happens in the bathroom. And I walked into the bathroom, my in-laws bathroom. And I shut the door and I looked in the mirror.

And you know, we we hear people say, you know, I hadn't looked in the mirror for years. Well, I hadn't looked in the mirror for years the way I looked at now. I, you know, we always have to look in the mirror to shave and to brush our teeth and to do that stuff, but it's just a superficial glance in the mirror to make sure you're doing it right.

I hadn't looked at myself in the mirror in a long time. And I looked in the mirror and I looked at the person I had become. And it was again just an who was I?

Who was this? And this is where it gets really weird. I uh have to tie my shoe.

I'm not going anywhere. But I have this thing about I have this thing about shoelaces being untied. You might trip over them, you know.

And so I'm standing there looking in the mirror and I I told you I'd been locked up quite a bit and I've always been an avid reader. I love reading because for me reading was the only way I was experiencing life out there. You know, I couldn't experience it doing it my way.

I had to read. And one time when I was locked up, I was going to be there a while. So I read the Bible.

It seemed like a a good thing to do. It seemed like something that may help me change. But I hadn't read the Bible.

That was like when I was 13 or 14 years old when I was locked up and I read this. And now I'm 30 years old. And so I'm standing there.

Hadn't been to church in a long time. Didn't just leave a church meeting, you know? I mean, it didn't happen.

And I'm standing in front of this mirror and all of a sudden I hear this voice. Voices weren't unusual at the time. I had heard voices before, but this one said something quite different from the others.

It said, "Seek and you shall find. Ask and it will be given. Knock and the door will be opened." Now, you know what it was?

It was my moment. And it was nothing religious about it. It was God saying, "Okay, buddy.

You're at the turning point again. You're at the freaking crossroads. You've been here before.

Which way are you going today?" That's what I think it was. because all of a sudden I just looked up and I said, "Okay, God, if that's you, give me give me give me some help." Very, you know, come on. You're supposed to help.

Help. And he did. He did.

I walked out of that bathroom October 5th, 1988. I walked up to my beautiful wife at the time of 13 years and I said, "I'm done. I'm through." you know, and after the shotgun incident, you know, she's not even knowing what the hell I'm talking about.

Are you going to kill my brother or you what are you talking about? And I said, "No, I'm through. You can get rid of everything.

I'm done drinking. I'm done using drugs." And and see, and I had told her this about 3 months before, and listen to this. This is beautiful.

You got to love a wife that tells you this. I said to her, I said, "You know what? I think I'm an alcoholic and I think I've got a drug problem." And she says, "You just use that as an excuse to get loaded.

works for me. I said, you know, you're probably right. You know, I mean, got to love that.

Got I You got to love a woman who says that. You just use that as an excuse. Pass me the bong.

So, so I walk out of the bathroom and I tell her this and I say, "Get rid of it. I'm done." And she puts it up in the closet. She doesn't throw it away.

She puts it up in the closet because she knows 20 years of drunkenness would make a skeptic out of anyone. She knows that sometime during the day I'm going to forget because we make those promises. The book talks about it.

We promise. And we really mean it when we promise. And she just knows that sometime during that day, I'm going to forget the promise and I'm going to want what I need because my life at this point has become it's like breathing to me.

Getting loaded is like breathing. If I stop breathing, I die. If I stop getting loaded, I die.

So boom, I'm here. I am. I show up two days later.

I walk up. This guy drags me to this crazy place and he introduces me to this guy and this guy looks at me and he says, "Hi, my name is Vic C. Welcome to another beautiful day in paradise.

God loves you. I love you. There's nothing you can do about it.

I'm going to be your sponsor. You can do everything I say or you're going to die." I said, "Okay." I mean, I I didn't What else did I have going? I had nothing else going on.

I had no place else to go. I could, you know, I could go back to jail, but that wasn't going to change my life. I could go back to the church, but been there plenty of times.

That didn't change my life. So, I just said, "Whatever. Okay, good.

Let's do it." And he marched me in the room. Two guys sat on one side of me. Two guys sat on the other side of me.

They put me in the middle. And I, you know, I get busy when I get sitting in in a room of Alcoholics Anonymous when I'm new. You know, I got to go smoke.

I got to go pee. Got to go drink coffee. Got to go smoke.

Got to go pee. I don't WANT TO HEAR THE MESSAGE. I WANT TO GET SMOKING and peeing and and drinking coffee.

That's what I want to do. What the hell do you think I'm here for? And I would look at him and I would say, "I got to go smoke." And he'd say, "You can wait till the meeting's done." And I'd say, "Okay." Well, you know, I really got to pee.

And he'd say, "Have you ever sat on a bar stool for over a half an hour, an hour nursing a drink because you didn't want anybody to get it before you went and peed?" And I said, "Yeah." And they said, "You can wait till the meeting's over." Okay. But they did this. This is what they did to me.

They they spoonfed me sobriety. They spoonfed me AA. And I am so grateful.

I don't go to a lot of meetings now. Not as many as I like to go to. You know, I do like four or five meetings a week.

And you know, that's that's not enough for a guy as sick as me. It talks about it. It talks about us in and how it works.

It says, you know, uh came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. I'm about as sane as I'm going to get. And it takes a lot of meetings, you know.

I I really This is now like breathing to me. The program of Alcoholics Anonymous is breath to me. It brea It breathed life into me and and and my life is incredible.

You know, these guys took me to meetings and then after the meetings, they'd take me to Golden West over on Hamilton. They would not leave me alone. You know, I remember the first night, the first or second night, my sponsor took me over.

said, "You you know how we say call me anytime, 24/7, 3:65, you know, do we really believe that?" But I tested it. He drops me off at 1:30 in the morning. And I'll tell you, for the first 90 days I was here, it was very hard to sleep.

I was coming down off of about a about a seven or eight year drinking and and other substance use. And it was sleeping was not in my immediate future when I got here. So I was wide awake for several days.

And then with brief moments of of sleeping, but he drops me off at 1:30. At 3:00, I call him because 3:00 he's got to be asleep. He's got to be deep into REM.

So I call him, he picks up the phone. Hello. I go, "Hey Vic, it's Perry." And you know the funny thing about it, he woke right up.

It was like somebody put a put a one of those things under his nose. He was wide awake. He says, "How you doing?

What's going on?" I said, "I'm just checking." And he says, "Okay." He goes, "I'm going to be there at 7:00 in the morning. You be ready. I'm going to take you to Ken's House of Pancakes up in Mountain View to a meeting.

I'm going to be wide awake. I ain't got nothing better to do. I don't got a job.

All right. I'll see you at 7:00." And I'm thinking, "Yeah, right." He dropped me off at 1:30. I woke him up at 3:00.

There is no way in hell this guy's going to be here at 7:00 in the morning. 7:00 in the morning. I GO, "HEY, VIC, WHAT'S GOING ON?" HE GOES, "WELCOME TO ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL DAY IN PARADISE.

GOD LOVES YOU. I LOVE YOU. NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

GET IN YOUR TRUCK, DUMMY. We're going to a meeting." And so I did. And I went to a meeting and I went to another meeting and I went to another meeting and I kept going to meetings and the whole time we're working steps and the first 90 days of my sobriety I worked the 12 steps of alcoholics an economics.

She said you get a step a week dummy and if you don't do it that way then you're going to have to go back out there and die and I worked the steps of alcoholics anonymous. I finished my 12step alcoholics anonymous at 90 days. We were at a meeting.

He looks at me and he says, "You see that guy back there?" And I said, "Yeah." And he goes, "He just walked into the room. He's got like four days. I seen him here last night.

You go up and tell him you're going to be a sponsor. And I said, "Whoa, whoa. You know, let's kind of slow down a little bit.

I mean, you rushed me and we worked the steps, but now kind of get just like a break for a minute and absorb this stuff that we're doing here." And he says, "You don't get to absorb nothing. This is a program of action. We do not rest on our laurels.

You go back there and tell that guy you're going to sponsor him." So, I did it. I've never questioned what you said here. And thank God I never questioned it.

I never analyzed it. I never thought about it. My best thinking and analyzation got me to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.

What makes me think I'm so profound that I can figure a way to make this work without you? You know, this is a cumulation of efforts among all of us. It's a we program.

We work together. I can't do nothing. So, I'm working the steps.

I'm telling you, life is freaking incredible. Life is incredible. I I I have that life that I would sit down with you with a few beers in me and go, "Yeah, you know, someday I'm going to Hawaii and then I'm going to go somewhere else and and I'm going to drive, you know, and I'm going to have this car and and I'm going to do these things here." And you know the stories I'm talking about, all those stories.

And and we were just and they would tell you the same thing and you'd agree to meet at one of these places. You know what? That's the kind of life I have today.

That's the kind of life I have today. Next Friday at this time, I'll be in in in Honolulu at a convention, an Alcoholics Anonymous convention. And then and then after that, I I fly over to Kawaii for four days.

I'm with my lovely wife and one of my dearest friends. I'm blessed. You know, the power of God and the power of Alcoholics Anonymous has given me this life that is just, you know, our our past secretary, I'm sorry I can't remember your name.

I know it. I just drew a blank on it. When he said he used to wake up in the mornings after he was using and say, "How does my whose life is this?

How did I get here?" I wake up every morning and I and I say the same thing. Who's this isn't supposed to be my life. But then again, the other part of me that you guys taught me and that that power that is greater than myself has given me, this is supposed to be my life.

I do deserve to live like this. You know, God wants the best for me. He wants the absolute best for me.

I'm his favorite. You better believe that you're his favorite, too, because you are. you are his favorite.

And and and because I'm his favorite, when I get back from Hawaii, I get to go to New York for seven days to be with my brother-in-law who will have a year of sobriety in January and spend Thanksgiving with him and his family who want me to sleep on the floor, but I rented a motel room cuz I'm not flying to New York to sleep on somebody's floor. You know what the hell's wrong with them? invite me to come out and visit and put me on the floor, you know?

I mean, I could still think like that, but I said, "No, that's okay. We're gonna rent a room." And then when I come back from there, I get to take my beautiful granddaughter to to Disneyland for 4 days. You know what the hell?

I'm a drunk. I sleep in Pintos. I go to jail.

Not anymore. I work the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I hang out with people like you.

Remember I said in the beginning, I just wanted to be part of a movement. I'm a part of the most fantastic movement that a guy like me could be a part of. You know, it is it has just totally turned my life into, you know, I feel like Cinderella.

You know what I you know what I mean? But there's no midnight. There's no midnight, you know.

I I have I have a life, you know. I I have this incredible job. I sell grass.

I really do. I I sell grass for a living. And I drove a truck for 22 years.

And then one day I woke up and I spent the day with my granddaughter. And I We went to McDonald's and we went to the park and we and we did stuff that grandfathers and granddaughters do. And at the end of that day, I looked at my wife and I said, "I'm not going to drive a truck anymore.

I'm not going to drive a truck anymore." She says, "What do you mean? I mean, I've been driving a truck for 22 years. I haul chemicals.

I specialized because I wanted to make the most money I could make in an industry where, you know, truck driving, I mean, it doesn't really pay that well. But if you specialize in a certain type of truck driving, you can make a lot of money. And I picked the one of the most one of the highest paying truck driving jobs you can have.

I hauled hazardous material, uh, you know, acids, corrosives. I I mean, I hauled the the the stuff that they shut freeways down for if you have a problem. And I'm on the news with my smiling face going, "Yeah, they cut me off and I turned it over and sorry." you know, so I was making a a fairly decent living and I told her, "I'm not doing that anymore." And she looked at me like I was half crazy.

And she says, "Well, what are you going to do?" And I said, "I'm thinking about going to work for the company you work for." And and that's sales. So, and it's the the yellow pages. And so what what what what I was saying was I was going to take I was making about $84,000 a year driving a truck and the job that I was going to take paid $30,000 a year plus commission.

And I thought, sounds like, you know, you know how we are. Sounds good to me. And I did it.

And you know, I I wasn't sure I wasn't sure if I could do it because I'm really like a shy, quiet, introverted person. And you know, I I wasn't sure how I could talk to strangers, you know, but I I gave it a shot. I prayed about it.

I prayed about it. I don't make any major decisions in my life without talking to the boss first. And I prayed about it and I and I read all the books that were related to this field I was going to go into.

And and the day I jumped out of the truck and I walked into the Valley Yellow Pages and started selling, my life took off. I mean, God has just blessed me with this gift to talk with people. And you know, and I learned this gift through talking with you, you know.

I I I I learned how to talk to strangers by hanging out after the meeting and and talking to the new guy. I learned to talk to strangers that that need some help in a situation or an area of their life. I learned that here.

And that's what I do in sales. What I do in sales is I go to people that have a situation that they want to change and and I and I show them how I can be of maximum service to them and help them. Sometimes maybe not help them, but we both agree at the time that it is to help them, you know.

And and I fell in love with life. I love life. I want to do everything.

I I literally want to go everywhere. I heard Duffy say it one time. He goes, "I want to go everywhere there is to go.

I want to read every book there is to read. I want to climb every mountain there is to climb." Now, I know realistically I can't probably do that. But I'm going to give it a shot because God wants me to do all these things.

As long as I'm being of maximum service to God and his kids, he will reward me with all the gifts that he has that availed to him. And it's everything. I'm not religious.

I really am not. I'm very spiritual. I believe God is everything.

Because the book says he is everything or he is nothing at all. There's no gray area. He is everything or he is nothing at all.

You can't believe on him when things are going bad and then when things are good, forget about him. He is everything or and in my life he is everything. He is before the wife.

He is before the children. He's before the granddaughter. He's before Alcoholics Anonymous.

And because I put him in that position, I am rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence. And I live a life way beyond my wildest imagination. I'm excited about sobriety.

I don't know if you can tell. And I've BEEN LIKE THIS SINCE I GOT HERE. This is, you know, I mean, this is it.

THIS IS THE LIFE THAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED AND I GOT it today. Right now, today was the best day of my entire life. Today was the best day of my entire life because it's all I had.

You know, and I'm pretty sure if I stay sober several more hours, I'll have another day that's the best life of day I've ever had in my life because the big book tells me the greatest years of my existence lie ahead. So all that great stuff that I'm telling you about that's been happening to me, it's nothing compared to what's coming, it's nothing. God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free.

He wants us to keep our head in the clouds, but our feet firmly planted on the ground because that's where our fellow travelers are. So all you people out there that are on a pink cloud and you got these freaking skeptics that are going to tell you, "Oh, when you fall off that cloud, man, oh my god, I Oh, you know when they tell you that, look at him and say, I've been on this cloud for 17 years." For 17 years. I went to my sponsor and I said, "Oh, so and so with 20 years said when I fall off this cloud that life's going to get real and and then it's going to get realer." And and you know, that's just my experience.

That may not be your experience, but my sponsor told me, Perry, if you stop looking for the hammer to fall, it never has to. And thank God he said that to me because the hammer's never fallen. And there's two things that I must do every day to keep my life happy, joyous, and free like I have right now.

And the first one is I I roll right out of bed. I roll right onto my knees. I say the third step prayer and I say, "God, where are we going today?

What are we doing? Who are we going to talk to? Thy will not mine be done." And then after I do that, I got to get dressed because you can't sell grass naked.

It's not cool. And the mere fact that you're selling grass isn't cool. But naked it makes it even worse.

And uh so I go get dressed and and on my way to the bathroom I I I sing a little song and because I believe there's nothing better than a prayer and a smile on your face first thing in the morning. It kind of sets the trend for the whole day. And the song that I sing goes like this.

And you can sing it with me if you know it. And it don't worry about being cool. This is Alcoholics Anonymous.

You're not cool if you're here. Okay. So, and the song goes like this.

Zip doo dah zippity a my oh my, what a wonderful day. Plenty of sunshine headed our way. Zippity doo dah zippity.

Thank you for my sobriety. >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.

Until next time, have a great day.