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We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> I don't know what to say. I really I can't say enough about either of these two gentlemen, but right now to join us at the podium and celebrate 19 years is Peter M.

from Union, New Jersey. My name is Peter. I'm a recovered alcoholic.

>> Grateful to be alive and sober and at a sacred place called Alcoholics Anonymous. And uh first things first, thank my home group for allowing me to celebrate. Uh I'm grateful to be a member of the vision for you group.

And like Charlie said, we started at a place called Van Goier, which was kind of like an ominous setting, Van Goir. We're trying to start something spiritual. Um uh but here we are um few years later and celebrating and I'm very very grateful to be alive and sober and part of this sacred uh place called Alcoholics Anonymous.

Uh thank Charlie for presenting the coins and um the guys for setting up and Bill for being down here tonight. Uh Bart and his friends for driving so far uh uh to get here. Um we're going to hear a great talk tonight.

I have friends here from different parts of Jersey. We have friends here from uh Long Island, Queens. We have friends here from Staten Island.

It's like the heads of the five families have gotten together tonight. And uh we're going to divvy up the neighborhood. Um before we get going, it's really important.

There is so many folks in this group, so many teachers along the way. My sponsor Mark H, my dad and my kid brothers. If it wasn't for the courage, strength, and direction that God gave them, I would not be here tonight celebrating.

There's so many people along the path who have allowed me to get here tonight, orchestrated by a loving God. And a few years ago, I met someone who's been uh uh uh the apple of my eye. Just absolute wonderful uh uh experience who allows me to go out and do the workshops you guys asked me to do and allows me to go out and travel and allows me to be here um and has held me up a few times when I didn't think I'd have the courage to stand up.

And if Linda would just stand up for a moment so everyone can see who you are. And um in the past couple of weeks I've been in this place of reflection. Not morbid reflection but reflection.

And God seems to do that to me every year around this time of year. I don't visit so much my past but this time of year it just shows up. I wake up and here I am reflecting upon where I was.

And uh it was this time 19 years ago I was in serious trouble. Um I was in my seventh and Godw willing detox by now. Had been separated uh from alcohol.

June 23rd I was on my way to Minnesota. Um I was very very ill from alcoholism. I didn't think I'd have another shot at trying to get sober.

My family pretty much was just hoping, you know, I would go peacefully. I mean, this was the last stop for me. But something happened uh on my way into the seventh uh treatment center.

I hit what a book talks about the bitter end where circumstances of living the way I was living made me very very willing to go to any lens in order to recover from alcoholism and on that I got rocketed and many times along the way some of my past teachers were saying you need to like take it easy you're praying too much you're doing too much bigbook work you're doing too much of this stuff but how can I deny spirit when spirit moves you go how can I edit spirit when spirit talks to you you talk And I'm so grateful for listening to the six sense that we get in here that says go move be teachable listen. It has brought me where I am now with all my challenges and all my falling short because what I found out here over the last 19 years, Alcoholics Anonymous is about experiencing the glory of God and nothing less than that great fact. There's a quote uh the carpenter says says something like the harvest is plenty but the laborers are few.

The glory of God, the gifts of God are out there but how many of us are seeking it and we bring that into Alcoholics Anonymous. The gifts that God has given us in Alcoholics Anonymous are plenty. They're there for us to have to get free beyond free and experience his glory and experience bliss in Alcoholics Anonymous where it's no longer thinking about a drink anymore.

drink's been removed and we get on with our life, spread the spiritual wings and go work with others, take this home, go be employable, have families, do all the great things we get to do in practicing these principles. And yet over and over and over and over and over again, I hear so many of us in drama suffering from untreated alcoholism. Well, how do I get there?

We have 12 tools, 12 simple principles. Follow the directions and go. I haven't thought about a drink in many, many years and that's truly by the glory of God and that'll ruffle feathers in a lot of contemporary AA meetings.

But that's my truth and that's God and that's freedom. So I feel blessed to be a a recovered member of this sacred place called Alcoholics Anonymous. And if you haven't found out that it is sacred yet, I pray you do because it is because we see people get reborn and resurrected in Alcoholics Anonymous.

come in here with nothing broken and then arise and then we walk and go work with others. What a good deal. What a good deal.

I met our our speaker a handful of years ago. He's become a dear friend to me. Uh does a is the guy responsible for Fellowship of the Spirit in Queens, New York every year.

Has dedicated his life to Alcoholics Anonymous. And so we're in for a treat uh uh to hear tonight uh from the primary purpose group in Long Island, New York, BART R. >> Hi, my name is Bart and I'm a recovered alcoholic >> and thanks for having me here tonight.

Um when Peter was talking about reflecting and you know my home my uh sobriety date is June 12th, 1995. So, I also did that kind of reflecting this month and what I came up with was a lot about what Peter was just talking about. You know, why am I still sober today?

Why are people inviting me and I'm allowed to leave the state of New York and come into New Jersey? Um, people invite me into their homes. Why is that?

And it's because I don't study that book, Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't read the books like Charlie was talking about from cover to cover and pile them up, but I try to actually incorporate them in my life. It's a design for living and as long as I can do that and continue to do that, then I'm a recovered member of Alcoholics Anonymous and people like to have me around.

Um, if I stop living it and just start talking about it and stuff like that, then you'll find me drunk pretty quick. I know that. And that's why I'm still sober today for 12 years.

Um, I want to thank Peter for asking me. Me and Peter have become very good friends over the last few years. And I was thinking about some of the trials and low spots that both of us have gone through together.

Um, that's what we do in in Alcoholics and Honors. besides the great program that we have, we have a fellowship um where I learned what real friends are. And um I remember a few years ago, it was probably about five years ago.

Um I was in that one of those trials and low spots and um didn't feel like I would be you know one of the promises in our big book is that we can go where other free men can go without any you know without any difficulty without any trouble. Um, and that was true for me for a few years. And um, about 5 years ago, I got into this funk.

And not that I thought that I was going to pick up a drink, but I didn't think that even with given sufficient reason, I could be in a place like a bar or um, I wasn't feeling on on good safe ground. Um, my life was around me was a mess. And I remember being in a meeting one night and getting honest and and sharing that at a meeting.

And the next morning, my boss called me up and he said he had some work for me and it was in an area that I used to do some running. And I and I never used to work there. And I remember calling Peter up on the way there and I was in tears and I was cursing God, why do you have me going to this neighborhood?

I was just finished telling a bunch of people last night, I don't feel safe in an area like this right now. Um, and I called Peter and started talking to him about it. And he asked me to pull over and he said, "Bart, why don't you just consider this for a second?

Is it possible that God has you in this neighborhood to show you that you can be there to earn a living today instead of crawling on your hands and knees?" And I snapped right out of it and I realized that was what was going on. And it pulled me out of the whole funk that I was in. Um, and he's pulled me through a lot of talks.

I mean, I have a lot of good people in my life and Peter happens to be one of them. Again, I want to thank him for the honor of speaking here tonight and I want to um congratulate Walter as well on celebrating and having me part of the anniversary. Um I was thinking about, you know, there's a saying that a lot of us says, you know, if if we make plans and God laughs.

and I currently live in Long Beach, New York. I grew up in the city and um I was very active in my home group in Queens, the Utopia group for about 11 years. Um in the last two and a half, three years, I was very active in the fellowship of Cocaine Anonymous trying to see what I can give to them as well.

And the group in Limbbrook, the primary purpose group, asked me if I would do a big book study for them. And um I finished one that I was doing in Flushing, Queens, and went out there. And every night they would ask me, you know, why don't you make this your home group and stay out here in Limbrook?

And I told them, nope, that's, you know, I like it in Queens. And you know, I'm had my same home group for a long time. And uh then I met Tara and I ended up getting engaged and living in Long Island.

So if you have plans, God laughs. He's always got different plans and my life is great living in Long Island. Um a little bit about myself growing up.

I guess like I'm one of those people that like so many others and it's not necessarily alcoholism just not feeling a part of very shy. Um probably 10 11 years old. I'm real bad with dates and ages most of my life is a blackout.

But I mean, I'm sober and and of right mind for the last 12 years, and I still can't remember like simple things like introducing people or um what I did an hour ago, but so the dates will certainly be wrong. Um but I was young and I would look I grew up in a neighborhood where we had apartment buildings and I would look out the window and I would see the older people drinking on the corner and having a lot of fun and those were my heroes. I just wanted to be with them having that fun.

Um, before I knew it, that's what I was doing. I was hanging out with them, drinking, and having a lot of fun. Fifth grade, I was going to school and I saw them hanging out in the park instead of going to school and having a lot of fun.

And I decided that I was going to hang out with them in the park and drink and school wasn't so important. Um, so by fifth grade I was already being left back from school because drinking was more important and more fun and I was feeling a little bit more a part of than what I was feeling like in school. So they were going to leave me back and they had a meeting and my parents were moving and they decided to promote me into the new school where we were moving.

So that summer, um, I spent every day riding my bicycle back to the old neighborhood and drinking and meeting nobody in the new neighborhood. Um, cuz that was a fear of mine, meeting people. Um, I still don't love it.

I'm still not great at it, but um, the first day of school came and I didn't know how I was going to do it. So, I had a drink and that soothed the fear of going to sixth grade, the new school for the first time. Um, and I saw in the beginning of school that this was going to be the answer that if I just drink at school, I'll get through school.

Um, I used then I shortly found the other kids that even grew up in that neighborhood that were drinking in school and hiding behind the handball courts and hanging out and drinking at school. So, um, that's who I hung out with and I started to get into a lot of trouble in school. And in midway through that year, there was a woman who came from a school called Project 25.

It was an alcohol and drug program. And I was told that I had to come sit with her every once a week. And I would go sit with her and talk with her and continue to get in trouble and continue to get caught drinking in school.

And I was told that if I continue to come to school drunk, if they find alcohol in my locker, that I'm going to have to go to Project 25 full-time. And that was a scary thought because I finally started to meet friends in school. And that meant I was going to have to start all over again.

And that was a huge threat. But I didn't want to stop drinking either. So it wasn't too long before I was pulled out of school and put into Project 25.

Um in project 25 the consequences started to get much um higher. My attitude started to get much wor much worse. Um they started to give my parents um some suggestions that as a kid I didn't like um like lock them up, you know, send them away, get a pins petition.

And so by sixth grade, that's what was h starting to happen in my life. Um, I was always going to counselors, psychiatrists, therapists, you know, by my parents' orders, the school's orders. They all would tell me the same thing.

If you just, you're a nice boy. If you just didn't drink, you would be okay. And I still believe the lie that, and I would say it to myself, not to them.

They don't understand. When I drink, that's when I'm okay. That's when I believe that I'm a nice boy that they're talking about.

you know, other than that, I'm just not comfortable in my own skin. So, I like this drinking stuff. Um, I started to get into a lot more trouble.

I started to drink a lot more. I started to go to parties with all these people that were drinking a lot and going to the um up by Fort Totten where we live or to the golf course and have keg parties and all those kids were making it home every night, you know. I wasn't.

I was doing stupid things. I was waking up in the morning, you know, wherever the party was. And the next day, the kids would make fun of me for the things that I did.

And all I wanted to do was fit in, you know. So, I would say at the next party, I'm not going to drink like that. I'm not going to do anything stupid.

I'm not going to be called the man of the night and, you know, and be told all the idiot things that I did and said or, you know, start fights and wake up with a cracked jaw. even though I might have been one of the biggest kids there. I was so drunk, you know, somebody would always get a good shot in.

I had no idea who it was. Um, things were bad at a young age and I kept swearing I wasn't going to do that again and I kept doing that again. Um, my mother was 120 lbs soaking wet.

Um, may she rest in peace. Um, she'd beg me, you know, I had a sister that died young and she would beg me. I already lost a daughter.

I don't want to lose another child. Please don't go outside. Please don't leave this house.

And like I said, she was 120 lbs, soaking wet, a very loving, fragile woman. And I would pick her up and throw away from the door and disappear for days at a time. Um, she made a beautiful home.

And I would sleep in elevator shafts, um, in friends garages, um, so that I could stay out for days at a time and drink. Drinking was very important to me. Um around 19 78 um after being in a lot of shelters um my mother screaming when I'd get arrested lock him up he's an animal my father coming over to me and saying there's nothing I could do your mother's got custody um I went to a place for 18 months um actually it's important that even when I was locked up in some of these short-term places in Brooklyn and shelters and um any place other than if it was SpaFid, which I was in many times.

Um I would sneak out of these places to go drink Night Train, you know, with the bums and sneak back into these places. Um finally, I got sent upstate to a place called Hawthorne Cedar Nolles. And that place was I was there for 18 months.

And while I was there, I started to reflect that maybe what they're saying is true. Maybe I drink too much and when I get out of here, I'm not going to drink as much as I've been drinking. Um, so I spent the time up there and I got in a lot of trouble up there and I continued to even be able occasionally to sneak off grounds there and break into the deli and bring back beers and get into trouble.

And um but when I left there, I made that promise to myself that I was going to stick to it. And I went to high school, regular school for the first time in many years. And I showed up for the first day of my school, and I was called into the counselor's office, and my records were taken out, and they said, "We've been looking at your records.

We don't want your trouble in this school. If we begin to see any of it, you're out." And that was day one getting off to a good start. And uh I still had an attitude and I said, "You know what?

Thanks." And I walked out of his office and I called my father, which I hadn't really been on great terms with. Um but I I I explained to him in a good way that I ain't going to make it in this school. You know, it's been a long time since I've been in regular school.

They're not really giving me a hell of a good chance. I got a good idea. why don't you sign me out of school?

You're a successful businessman. I'll come work for you. And he said that he would think about it and he would talk to his partner.

And um he got back to me and he said they agreed that that's what they were going to do. Um so it was a cold October morning, the week of my birthday, and I woke up that morning and I went to the bus stop, really proud that I'm going to be a working man this week. and um gonna do the right thing and it's my birthday and a friend of mine came over and he gave me a nice little birthday present.

He gave me a little bottle of Jack Daniels and um I put it in my coat and I said, "You know what? This weekend I'm going to celebrate that I'm making my family proud and I'm proud that I'm working and I'm celebrating my birthday." And um that was my original thought and I started to get cold, I guess. So, a little sip will warm me up.

And then on the bus, I guess I remembered how I got through school when I was nervous. And I was nervous going to work the first day. So, I continued to finish that little bottle of Jack Daniels, walk into work for the first day and completely know how to run the whole business.

You can't tell me anything. And made a complete fool of myself and my father. Wasn't my intention when I woke up that morning.

My intention was to do the right thing. All the times before that that I drank. I drank because I wanted to drink.

I drank because I loved to drink. I drank because drinking was fun. Not that morning.

Not that morning. I didn't have a choice that morning. I didn't know it.

But I drank against my own free will without even knowing it. That continued for years and years and years. And the stories got a lot worse.

And anybody ever wants my phone number and call, we'll talk one-on-one about a lot of the horror stories, um the war stories, this isn't the place for them. Um but I was young then and trust me, the stories got worse. Um in 1987, I was hanging out.

I was I was married for the first time um to a detox nurse 10 years older than me. That was going to sober me up. Uh didn't work.

Um but a friend of mine, there was a house that we hung out at. Three brothers um owned the house. We all own motorcycles.

They never left the garage. Very few of them ever left the garage. Um it had some really bad nicknames in the neighborhood.

None of the other homeowners or anybody that lived in the neighborhood would walk past that house. They'd cross over the street and around. Um, one of the brothers was showing up with new friends every day and getting on his bike and taking off.

I started to get curious one night and I said, "Hey, Warren, how can me hang out no more? Where you been going? Couldn't live like this anymore." And I got sober going to AA meetings.

I laughed and said, "Oh, that's nice." You know, take it easy. And went back to doing what I wanted to do, you know, what everybody else was doing. And uh every once in a while I would talk to Warren and I woke up one morning and something told me to just call him up and ask him where one of these meetings are.

And I did. The Warren told me where the meeting was. He said, "I can't make it tonight, but the condition you're in, and if you can make it there, they'll know you're new.

They'll make you feel comfortable. It worked for me. this is where it is.

Just show up. I sweated it out through the day and I got there real early and it was in a school and I was walking around the school and around the school starting to lose hope and saying, you know, forget it. I'm just going to go drink and the guy came over and he grabbed me and he said, "You're looking for the AA meeting?" And I went, "Um, yeah, I am." And he said, "Come with me.

I'm setting it up." So, I followed him into the meeting and I sat down in one of the chairs. is it was in a classroom and he started putting all his stuff up and hanging up the shades and being real busy and I was sitting there watching them and he came over to me and he handed me a little blue card and he said, "You want to read this?" And I said, "Sure." And now I had something to look at. I didn't have to watch as the room was filling up.

I didn't have to look anybody in the eye and I just kept sitting there and pretending to read this card. and he opened up the meeting and he said and to read the preamble we have bought and my heart jumped right out of my toes. I said if this is what AA is about it's not for me and I spent the next what felt like 3 hours but was probably 3 minutes trying to figure out how am I getting out of here with nobody noticing because I didn't realize he wanted me to read it out loud.

I thought he just wanted me to read it and I was scared to death. Um, so I got out of the meeting and I got lost in the school. I thought I was going to be arrested for trespassing.

I certainly didn't look as clean as the rest of the people in the meeting. Um, but I found my way back to where the room that the meeting was in. I leaned outside in the hallway and I just figured when everybody leaves the meeting, I'll just follow them out and I'll get out of the school and I'll go back to drink and I'll just slowly die of alcoholism and I don't really care.

I didn't even know it was alcoholism. I just knew that I was drinking myself to death. Um I knew that drinking was a problem for years.

Um I got surrounded surrounded and convinced to go back to the diner. And I don't do that stuff well. I still don't do that stuff.

Well, I'm not still one of those that goes back to the diner too often. But um they convinced me to go to diner. They convinced me to come back to a meeting the next day.

Um, I continued to go to meetings for a long time with them. Um, eventually they started to avoid me because I wanted a drink really bad. I wouldn't tell them I wanted a drink.

Um, I'd go into the meetings and they'd offer me $20 to raise my hand and just say my name. My answer would be, "You know what? My problems are none of their business and I'm really not interested in theirs." You know, that was my attitude.

Um, so I can't imagine why in 1995 I had a horrible relapse. Um, never did anything in Alcoholics Anonymous. Eventually each one of those people too, they would avoid me.

If like I was walking to a meeting, they would duck me. Um, I was just so angry and so miserable. Um, but if I was willing to ask them for help, they were always there, you know, and I'll never forget that.

Um, you know, if I if I would be able to grab them, they would stand there and they would talk. They'd bring me back to the diner. They really had great intentions.

You know, they they didn't have the answer I needed. I know that today. Um, not their fault, but they had good intentions.

Um, 95 sometime around there. Um, married for the second time. Um, prior to that, um, had a beautiful little girl, daughter.

Um, and I and I relapsed and I woke up the next morning and I didn't understand, you know, what am I going to do now? Like, hey, AA's not obviously working and I've always been miserable. Picking up didn't really work.

What now? Um, called up my boss, asked him for an easy day of work. um filled with that guilt, remorse, and shame the entire day.

Um knew that it wasn't the answer to go back out and drink again. Um went to bed that night, woke up the next morning, and I really remember saying, "You know what? Two days ago wasn't so bad." And there I went again.

And I continued that back and forth quite a few months. I say my sober date is June 12th of 95. I'm really not sure that it's June 12th.

It's approximately that. Me and my landlord just tried to figure out when things quieted down again. Um, and that's when we made it my sober date.

Um, but what ended up happening was very interesting. Um, I was in a complete rage one night, full of anger of what was going on in a neighborhood looking for trouble that I didn't belong in. Um, and in this rage, somehow I ended up back in an AA meeting that night.

And I couldn't tell you today other than God carrying me there. Um, I don't remember driving there. Um, but I got to this meeting and it was a meeting I was never in before.

There was a bunch of young people there, boys, girls. Um, as young as 16, um, as old as probably 25 maybe. Um there a few, you know, people my age, but um they were just loving life and they were having fun and they were loving sobriety and they would, you know, drag me out to meetings with them and drag me to the city and, you know, every night of the week they were going to a meeting and then they were going to the city to a club to listen to music and I wasn't getting it because for the for the years of my dry spell, anybody that went to a club, I love music, anybody that went to a club, to hear a band, to hear music, to go to a concert.

Had a miserable time and I had to drag them out because it wasn't long before I said, "I have to get out of here. I'm really uncomfortable. There's way too much drinking in here for me." Um, and I didn't get how they were staying and having fun and, you know, all these girls were coming up with these new drinks that I had never experienced and like I wasn't getting it.

How are they doing this? They must not be as alcoholic as I am, you know? Um, so one night one of them was celebrating his anniversary.

My good friend today, Arty, he was celebrating his one-year anniversary and his sponsor was Sharon from the podium. Um, he was rolling around on the floor making me laugh hysterical about, you know, reaching for the phone and dialing 911 and just really expressing how bad it was for him and I was relating to it. Then he started to talk about how great life was today and how he was a recovered member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And you know it's very important for me today as as I have come to in some meditation and reflection I've realized and listening to um a tape that I recently listened to um from outside of AA. One of the respectful and humble things that we do is we introduce ourselves by our name and our illness, you know, and that's it. My name is Bart and I'm an alcoholic and that's very humbling.

And it really is a shame that he had to attract me and it didn't work in the way he hoped, but it worked. Um, and how I continue and many other people continue to say that we're recovered members of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'll just say for myself before I get back to the story that there's two reasons that I do that.

Um, one is to remind myself that in 1987 we read at every meeting those who do not recover or people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program. Well, in ' 87 I wouldn't. So, of course, I didn't.

In 95, I would. So here I sit I did you know and I continue to give myself to this simple program designed for living and I stay recovered. Um and the most important reason is to give newcomers hope.

You know Charlie talked about you know the serenity, the courage and the wisdom. Well I don't think I'm given that but I hope I'm given hope. You know that that's really what we do up here is we give hope.

You know when we reach out to a newcomer we give hope. Um well, Eric wasn't giving me at that moment a whole lot of hope. Um talking about being recovered, talking about being happy, joyous, and free, going where any other person can go without disaster.

Um what he was giving me was anger. Um a lot of it. And I didn't think any of it was possible.

And I looked over at Arty and I said, "That's your sponsor speaking up there for your anniversary, huh?" And he goes, "Yeah, why?" And I said, 'I think tonight you should find a new one. And he asked me why. And I said, 'Cuz I'm going to kill him.

And he smiled at me and he said, 'You know what? I'm sure he'd love to talk to you. So he talked to his sponsor that night and um they set up for me to go.

He he had his own store not too far away in the neighborhood. So, I went, he set it up for me to go to the store and I was really going there cuz I was convinced that he was going to piss me off more and I was going to kill him and that I was going to be justified for it because he was messing with my life and a lot of other people's lives. So, therefore, I really had a good reason to do it.

Um, and every time I got close to him, he backed away, but he kept for about two hours talking about himself and describing his alcoholism and the things that he did and humorous stories and horrible stories. And he did this for about two hours. And I finally said to him, "What do I have to do to get what you got today?" And I don't know if I worded it exactly like that, but I know he looked at me.

He stepped towards me and he went, "I'm glad you finally asked." And then he said, "Just read the first 164 pages of the book Alcoholics Anonymous, the big book. Do exactly what it says and you'll have what I have." And I went, "Well, see you later." And he said, "What's the matter?" And I said, "I've never read a book in my life. There's no way." and he grabbed me at the shoulder this time.

He wasn't scared anymore. He knew he had me. And he said, "Not so fast.

I'll tell you what. I'll read the book to you. The only stupid question is the one you don't ask.

When you identify the things, we're going to talk about it. When you don't identify the things," he says, "That's cuz you've never done it, but you'll be willing to practice it for the rest of your life." Sound like a good deal to me. So, we met every few days, and that's what we did.

that he sat down and we experienced that book together. Um, I learned what you people were saying about don't pick up the first one, you won't get drunk. You know, I used to hate that because I thought it was just about you can't skip over the first one.

You I never listened to anything that you people were talking about. So, I didn't know anything about the physical algae. I was around for a long time.

I may have heard it. It went in one ear, out the other. It made sense what the doctor was talking about.

Man, was I relieved. I know what's wrong with me. And I felt really good.

We continued to read that great book and I started to cry. Um, I started to get really scared more about alcoholism, there is a solution, the alcoholic mind, not having a choice. I remember can't remember how many years I woke up how many mornings and said I am not going to drink today no matter what I can't drink today.

You know my ex-wife and my daughter are letting me back in their life. I can go visit and take my daughter out to the park or to the movies or something and showed up and fell on the lawn with the truck practically driven up on the lawn, you know. Um, can't play back those old tapes.

They didn't work. It was scary because it was true. I had that alcoholic mind.

I was of the hopeless variety, you know. I I had some dry time for a little while, but I had no reason to pick up the night I did and I did. I had all the reasons in the world not to, and I did anyway.

Um, so that was enough to scare me. Um, I grew up in a family of mixed religion. Religion was never talked about.

Um, God was never mentioned. Um, so when we got up to this, you know, there either is a god or there isn't. Well, I was convinced enough that he believed that all these young people believed um that something is doing all of this, you know, this whole world.

So I said, God is that is my choice. Um, and then I proceeded to make the most important decision that any of us can ever make in Alcoholics Anonymous or in life in general in in my opinion, and that's to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I didn't understand them, but that was fine to start. Um, and that if it worked, if this God really changed my life, transformed my thinking, did all of these promises that that this taking this step says it's going to do, um, or making this decision and proceeding on really is going to do, I will absolutely bear witness to anybody that wants to listen.

And in the beginning, even if you didn't want to listen, but I got better at that. Um, but yes, I would I would absolutely bear witness for God if it works. And that was the decision that we're asked to make and it's the best decision we could make.

That's all I could say. He handed me a pen and he said, "Everybody you've met, you've got a resentment against. I already know that just from the short talks we've had.

So don't think about anything other than everybody you've ever met and write down their names. Every place you've ever been, you might as well write them, too. and every rule that you've ever been told to follow, you might as well add them to it, too.

And he was right. And that's what I did. And then I wrote the reasons why and continued to write all the list and continued to do the, you know, fears and the sex harms.

And, you know, it was interesting, too. you know, it's important that um he did actually ask me in that third step decision if I had any type of idea of what God might be or what God might look like because I really had none, you know. So, I came up with this brainstorm and I said, "Yeah, God is love." And he started cracking up and I said, "Well, why is that funny?" And he said, "Well, let's look at your life right now.

You've got a you're 30 years old. You've got a 20-year-old little Brazilian girlfriend, a wife. That doesn't sound like a good love.

Is that really what you want God to be like? Nope. He said, "Let's start from zero.

You don't know anything." And that's where I started from. Um, so I wrote all these resentments and fears and sex harms and um and shared them with them and went into that reflection of, you know, what I've done so far good and solid. and he explained it as a volcano.

Um that all the stuff that came out at this point was what was on the surface and there was going to be years that it was all going to be continued to surface and I was going to write many more inventories to come and I was going to be out there living life and adding new stuff to it. And he's been right for 12 years. That's what I've been doing.

You know, open for business but writing inventories and new stuff comes up and you know, old stuff surfaces. um and went out and started doing all the amends and there was a lot of amends. Um there was a lot of people I couldn't find.

Um and over the years they've popped up in my life. God has been really good to me with that. Um the first one that popped up out of nowhere was um my first wife had a son that was nine years younger than me.

Um, I was online the bank and he was a big kid. Um, he wasn't a kid anymore and uh, I recognized him right away and I asked him if he would be willing after we get out of the bank to have a talk with me and he said, "Yeah." And I was nervous. We ended up having a great talk.

Um, I see him now and then in the neighborhood. Um, I actually met the woman that he had married. Um they were in a Mexican restaurant one night and I sent them over drinks and he came over to thank me and my daughter was pretty young at the time um when this happened and uh he sat down with us and when he left my daughter said who was that and I she never didn't know I had been married before because I was in a blackout that whole marriage so I never really talked about that marriage.

So she got to find out that her father had been married once before. Um, a lot of the amends have been, you know, a lot of people threw me out. I mean, his mother I still haven't seen since the day we signed the papers.

She knew through him and through other people that I would like to make amends, but her response was just stay out of my life. So, that's what I do. And I really don't have any reason to be in her life other than to make good for what I did.

And the best way to do that sometimes is to stay away. So, that's what I do. Um, I remember one of the funny amends that I got to make.

Um, well, actually this was a good one. Um, I work on boilers and I was in somebody's house one day about three years ago and uh it was an old couple there and the husband said to me, "You look very familiar." And I went, "Uhoh." That could never be a good thing. But I wasn't scared because I knew if I'd done wrong, you know.

Um, so he asked me, you know, he said he was a school teacher and he asked me what school that he went to. And that school that I was causing chaos in for the like three quarters of a year before I got sent to Project 25, he was a teacher there. And uh, he was one of the teachers I caused havoc to.

Um, but I got a chance to bring a lot of I watched him and his wife get this great joy in their life by listening to how much I've changed, what my life is like now. They were in the middle of getting ready to move. Um, they had boxes packed and they opened up a box that had all these spiritual books and said, "You know what?

We've read all of them and help yourself. You know, continue the path that you're on." Um, and they were real happy that day and that was cool, you know. Um it's been a lot of good ones.

Um that's the step that I watch a lot of people walk on and for me and so many other people that I know it's been one of the greatest steps. um year and a half, two years ago during a season I was sent up to Westchester County to work on a commercial boiler and this thought came into my head that I bet you I'm not too far from Hawthorne Cedulls. I haven't been up there since I was there.

Um it never crossed my mind that I might owe an amends there and it wasn't crossing my mind at that minute. It was just I might not must not be too far from there. I got a GPS which was really frustrating today trying to get here as it wasn't working but we made it.

Um I put in Hawthorne Cedles. I put in a fake address got off the exit and cancelled the address because it was a fake address once I was in the town of Hawthorne and just said God please direct me to this place and got right up there. Came through the gates.

Nobody stopped me. started driving around, knew right the cottage that I was in and stopped and started reflecting. Um, and it wasn't good memories.

Um, somebody came across the lawn and asked if they could help me and I went, "You know where the main office is?" I don't know why I asked that at the moment, but she said, "Yeah, when you first walked in the gate, it's the building right ahead of you." Now, as I was driving around, I saw that they had a drug and alcohol center, like a building that was strictly for that. When I was there, they never mentioned anything about it, and they didn't address it. You were a piece of garbage.

You were never going to grow up to be anything, and you don't know how to treat your family. And, you know, that's all it was about. You know, there was no drug and alcohol treatment there.

Um, so I went to the office, I parked in front, and I started sitting there, and I got quiet, and I said, "All right, God, why am I here?" you know, I still had not a clue. Somebody walked out of the building and said, "Can I help you?" I said, "Well, I was here in I think 1977, 1978." Um, and I was just wondering if anybody still works here from back then. I'd like to talk to them.

And they said, "So and so, the bus driver, is still here, and um not sure who else might be, but you can go in the office and ask if you'd like." And I said, "Um, all right. Thanks. And they left and I thought about it and I went into the office and I went through the same story of why I was there and um but I started to continue that I made some harms up here in some people's lives and jobs difficult and I wanted an opportunity to talk to them.

Um and they said that nobody was there but the new director if I want to talk to him I could. And my first answer obvious, "No thanks, but thanks anyway." And I started to walk out and I had one foot out the door and I just had that heard that voice. Yes, you do.

And I and I and and I turned around and I said, "You know what? Yeah, I would like to talk to him." So I went in there and and you know he welcomed me, shook my hand and we sat down and you know I started to talk to him about how great it was that I thought saw that he addresses alcoholism and drug addiction with the young kids today and that when I was there it didn't and he started to tell me when they made those changes and it was a great conversation. um as I was leaving he said that they were celebrating and right now I don't remember I think it was 75 years that summer um of being up there and that if I wanted an opportunity to come and be an inspirational speaker to the kids that he would love to have me and that made me feel great um still makes me feel great but he never called again so I didn't get an opportunity to do it but I have his card and I'm going to call again um and see if I can still be of service to them.

Um cuz I know there was a reason that I was brought up there. Um nobody else was there. They they said they would check for my records to see if they can get in touch, help me to get in touch with other people there and my records were burned cuz it was x amount of years after they burned them.

Um anyway, as I started doing, you know, that amends earlier on, I was doing practicing 1011. Um it was difficult in the beginning. Um, sometimes it still is.

Sometimes, um, I do things more than others. I'm a seeker. Um, I love God.

God is the most important thing to me in my life today. Um, I wouldn't have the life, none of us would have the life we have today. God is in the center of everything and every relationship that I have.

Um, that's why I have good relationships. Um, I very rarely get angry. I was a person who used to have Short fuse 10 step is a great thing.

Pause when agitated and doubtful. Ask God for the right thought of direction. If I don't do that, it can get ugly.

Couple weeks ago, we went up meet Tara, my daughter, and Tara's daughter went up to uh News for Tara's birthday and it took us I don't know, an hour and 15 minutes, an hour and a half to get up there and almost 5 hours to get home. um handled the the traffic coming home pretty good. On the way home, I figured I'd pick up the van for work the next morning.

Um when I got to the van cuz we live in Long Beach and workers in Queens and it's a long trip and it makes sense to just, you know, take it home the night before and leave my car there. There was no keys in the van. 5 hours of driving home.

Now I got to get up at 4 in the morning instead of 5 in the morning. I'm not very happy. So, I called up my boss and I walked away from our car because I didn't want everybody to hear the conversation and I freaked.

And uh when I got back in the car, I Tara had said to me quietly that her daughter said that she's never heard me say anything more than the word And she was a little shocked. And my daughter said, "Yeah, it's been a lot of years since I've seen my father get that angry, you know, and that's because of practicing our 10th step, you know. I have a great relationship with my daughter today because I practiced the 10th step.

She's a kid. She does things wrong. I don't lose my cool.

Doesn't get anywhere, you know. Um 11th step has been a great experience. um 12, you know, I practiced the first 11 steps so that we're capable of doing the 12 step.

Had about 3 months sober. Eric, my sponsor, um came to that home group, which he hadn't been back to since Art's anniversary. And he came with us that night.

And this huge young kid with no teeth, tattooed, angry, starts sharing how he hates all of us. He the he was in there was a rehab that came into our home group and he was with the rehab and um he was just full of anger and he hates all of us and he doesn't want to be here and just full of rage. And Eric turned around to me and he said, "After the meeting's over, I want you to go over to that guy and win the confidence of him and see if you could sponsor him and show him what I've just showed you.

I said, "Are you nuts?" And and it wasn't cuz he was big and it wasn't cuz he was angry and it was what do I got to give? You know, and this guy doesn't want it anyway. It's pretty clear.

And he opened up to a vision for you. You're just one man who with this book in your hand and you just tapped into a power greater than yourself. You know what?

The book hasn't been wrong yet. So, I'm going to believe this. You know what?

I went up to that kid and I got to talk to him for a little while and he continued to come every week and we continued to talk a little more and before I knew it I was able to take him through the steps and watch him recover, you know, and um actually we got really close and I remember he had, you know, his um he had a little boy and he was a single father and um he had said that if anything ever happened to him, he wanted me to adopt his son. Um, and I made him a deal I would unless it was that you picked up. You know, if you pick up, if you if you do something to him because of that, then not a chance.

Um, but he also lived with his mother and kid was well taken care of. He stayed sober for three years and he helped a tremendous amount of people and a lot of them are still around today. Um, he struggles to get back and do what we do.

Um, I don't know what he's doing right now. Um, I heard he moved back to Pennsylvania and I and I hope that he's doing exactly what I'm doing tonight, giving people hope. It's all I could hope for and pray for and I include him in my prayers.

But there are a lot of people who he did help that are still around. Um, so this program works. Um, you know, if you're new, um, get the fellowship that you crave.

You know, I remember Eric, my sponsor, was he was an older man when he first started to sponsor me. And um he started to get really sick. He had diabetes.

He was starting to lose parts of his feet, you know. Um he had kidney dialysis three times a week. He was wheelchair bound and most of the time he spent in his bed, but he still had people come to his house and he still read that big book to people who wanted to get better.

Um he continued to carry that message till the day he went into a coma. Um and he left us. Um and Don Pritz, you know, another guy who also carried the message to the day he died.

Those are the people that I want the passion for carrying the message to give hope, you know, not the people that I looked out my window when I was a kid and said I want to be just like them. Now it's the Erics and the Dons and you know people like that all of you that have the passion to carry this message. You know that's the passion that I have that I never want to lose till the day I die.

Um but I remember Eric he he had an ego that was and we always goofed. I told him there wasn't a pin in the world big enough to pop his ego but he used it to win the confidence of other people. you know, he used it for beneficial fact and some of them was to just piss people like me off, but he got me.

However it was, he got me. It's not the approach I use. I tried it for a long time.

It didn't work. I got quiet in meditation and said, you know, because it's important, how can we best get as many people hooked as we can. Um, but there was a new meeting that started and it was a one-year anniversary and um, it's something that I'll always remember.

They got Eric to come speak for this group anniversary using his ego. It was really his anniversary. But if they if we said that it was for his anniversary when to come, but to speak for a group anniversary and there's going to be a lot of people there.

Absolutely. Just can you wheel me down the stairs in the wheelchair and I'll be there to speak. So we got him there and uh he walked in.

He saw a bunch of us and myself and another guy who he had sponsored early on and a newcomer had spoken at the meeting. But before they started the meeting, they said, "Has everybody who's been sponsored by Eric please stand up?" And a bunch of us stood up. And we remain standing and they said, "Has everybody would everybody that's been sponsored by the people who just stood up please stand up?" And a bunch more people stood up.

And they continued to keep doing that until everybody in the room except for one or two newcomers were standing. And that's what can happen for every single person that sits in this room. the fellowship can grow up around you.

Um, you tap into that power of God. You practice this design for living and you will watch people recover from alcoholism, their families get back together or grow families and just have unbelievable lives like I have today. I mean, it's got trials and low spots and I have friends and relationships and, you know, life is going to be life, but I have never been more happy in my life.

Um, and that's the hope I hope to give to everybody. Um, thanks for listening to me tonight. An opportunity to share.

God bless. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.

Until next time, have a great day.