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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Good morning everybody.

My name is Rick. I'm an alcoholic. You know, I just had this amazing calm come over me cuz about a minute ago you couldn't yanked a needle out of my ass with a tractor and I think should I swear or not?

Cuz so I guess I am. you know, sort of like, can I do this without saying the f- word? And I don't know if I can, but I'll try because out of respect for some of you, all of you.

And uh before I even get started, I do want to thank the committee for asking me to speak. It is an honor and a privilege to speak at any meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous anywhere. And um I I really love this conference in particular.

Um today we're my partner and I are also celebrating seven years So the tech first seven years together and it started here at this conference. So it's very special. I'm going to try to deer who brought me water >> somewhere.

Okay, good. Um so thank you for having me and you know hope you're not disappointed but if you are there's nothing I can do about that. There's a little confusion about, you know, people, oh, the spiritual speaker.

And I thought, I thought it was filled as the inspirational speaker because I'm a motivator really. And if you're not spiritual, you may have the wrong guy, but I started thinking, well, you know, everything we do in Alcoholics Anonymous is spiritual if you think about it, even if it doesn't feel like it. And sometimes it doesn't.

you know that may not seem very inspirational but you know uh sometimes it's just Wednesday and you know not every day can be a Dora's day so you know so but to put some energy into being you know excited and lit up about sobriety and staying engaged in and in and in and loving life it's it it takes work it takes work for me I don't always feel like doing that um but I did in the beginning you You know, I guess I'll start there at the beginning. You know, there's the format of, you know, what it was like and what happened and what it's like today and how I try to live my life. And I do say try because I I fall short.

Um, you know, and especially maybe in the last year, you know, maybe I'm just relaxing into my sobriety and I'm not taking myself so seriously. Maybe I'm up. I don't know.

But um I'll start at the beginning and kind of and work through it and I'll probably skip around and I'll probably get lost and um so there's three kinds of pitches. I think there's the one that I started back in April. It was April the 12th I think.

And um where you know you get ready for it and you plan it and you figure out what you're going to say and and uh over and over and over and over again. And then I kind of threw that out and just went about my business and put it out of my mind and really didn't think about it strongly until, you know, the several days preceding this day and especially last night. Then there's the other pitch that happens, you know, when you're in your car driving home like, "God, I wish I'd said that cuz that's really about sobriety." And um and it was funny.

And um and then there's what really happens, you know what? And so every time I speak even, you know, uh to any group, you know, you can think about what you want to say, but it really takes away from the message. You know, the truth is I don't ever know what's going to come out of my mouth.

We do have that little um I call a filter. Maybe you have one. Um sometimes mine's broken, but you know, when the thought forms in your head, you know, thought forms and then it goes through the filter and it kind of whirls around a little bit and then it comes out of your mouth.

When it's working, it's great. um because it's called restraint of tongue and panic tongue at least. So, but I don't know what's going to come out of my mouth.

Um hopefully it' be good information. Um you know, I grew up in a small town, Fortuna, California. I don't know if it does exist and it's on the map.

Um there's not a lot to do in Fortuna. Uh you know, except for bucket and drink beer, you know, and um you know, I grew up in an alcoholic family like a lot of us did. My father was uh active alcoholic.

Um drank every day for for a number of years. And my mother was sort of a I don't know that she's an alcoholic. I think she sort of you know drank to make him bearable or drank to keep up with him or or be a part of his life.

And um I think now looking back on it, but she was sort of a binge drinker. So you know me being the sum total of both my parents, I binged every day. So she like both of my parents and So, you know, I used to think, and I don't anymore, and I'm glad that that uh, you know, that I had a horrible childhood and my parents neglected me and and and that the older I am, that just wasn't true, you know.

Yeah, there was drama in the house and dad would come home drunk and sometimes he'd try to run over mom with the car and she would try to get the hood up, pull the wires out so he couldn't go back to the bar and there was that kind of drama and there was some physical violence at times which I you well I don't like to remember that so much. It wasn't very often, but it happened. You know, it happened and and it, you know, up until about uh five when I think I had my first drink, um I used to make my dad's drinks for him cuz I was I wanted to be a big kid.

And I like the look of that he got on his face when when I made his drinks cuz he drank Jim Beam and remember Tab? You could still make it. Jim Beam and Tab because he's he was a diabetic and um too much sugar was not good.

So Tab you know, there's no sugar and alcohol. So, um, so Jim Beam didn't tab and I would go to the refrigerator and I'd pour like you two ice cubes in this giant cup and just blow it up with Jim Beam and splash a tab for color and I just love the look on his, you know, that's the way I made my drinks, you know, 19 tumbler, you know, to go. So, uh, so I got to taste it.

you helped me taste that and let me tasted beer and I remember Boone's Farm Strawberry Hills was always in the house in the house. Um, you know, two sisters, an older sister and younger sister and you know, we just sort of we were just that weird family that lived on the hill in this broken down shack. Our house was really a shack.

It used to be a stage stop on when there was a highway that ran through it. Um, not the house, but it looked like it did. Um, you know, it's simple.

I seven acres. We had, you know, farm cows, chickens, ducks, geese, everything. Horses.

What other farm animals are there? Some of you know. I told you I never know what's going to come out of my mouth.

So, it was actually a good way to grow up. We have a lot of freedom, you know, and and a horse was our main transportation. So, starting at five and six, you know, I can hang in there.

We were taking off for miles. We're talking 20 miles, you know, unattended. That's how I grew up.

Total freedom. And we didn't get into a lot of trouble at that age that came later. But >> I had a lot of freedom, you know, when I think about it.

At the time, I couldn't wait to grow up. And I was like five or six, seven, somewhere in there. And I just couldn't wait to grow up.

And I had my life planned out. I wanted to be an adult really fast. I wanted to grow up now and move out and u start doing what I wanted to do cuz even at that young age, you know, I was I get my way all the time.

And I don't like that. Do I? and um and I don't get my way.

It's not doesn't work for me so much. Um so has helped um a lot. Um so you know I wanted to get out of there and just with that thought in mind I kind of uh just you know just fast forwarded through my teenage years.

I started drinking really 12 started you know cigarettes and just graduated to my you know marijuana which I got from my parents. Um my friends thought that was really cool. Yeah, it was cool.

They weren't upset then when they came home it said that we were smoking marijuana but it was we were smoking theirs and they told us to get our own it was our friend of ours who she was a bad influence on us and she convinced us that we should go to our parents' room and look for things and we found that as well as a bunch of other things but it's not her story anyway. So, uh, you know, it's just sort of fast forwarded school for me, uh, not so good. I think I was a good student when I was little.

I got, you know, penmanship awards and and then when I got into grammar school in high school, it just it wasn't good for me. You know, I I I can't remember very many good things about it. You know, I was a rebel.

I I you know, just wasn't into it. I I couldn't show up on time. I would just take three-hour lunches, you know, for a whole quarter or a semester.

you know, as long as I could get away with it and I would forge my own notes to get back in and they had that whole system where these little slits and I found that I could take it to the library. Um, only reason I went to the library was to use the electric typewriter cuz you could timestamp it just like they do down in the admissions office and I had all their signatures and I used to sell them to people for their lunch money. So you cut second period, I can get you back in.

And it worked. And um they it worked for a long time and then they they um they switched the typewriter and so it like dropped the the zero or something and it looked weird and that was it. You know, we do it as long as we can.

So we get caught, you know, whatever it is. So you know, I didn't like it. You know, but then my parents had stopped drinking.

They stopped drinking for a period of nine years. And it got to the point where they actually went to AA, you know, in in a small little town and they weren't drinking. That's when they kind of went on the marijuana maintenance.

I kind of jumped to that teenage years. That's when they were doing the marijuana. They were a lot more calm.

Um, but I don't know. You know, I asked my mom when I got sober. I said, "Did you ever do the steps?" I don't remember hearing about it.

I don't remember. I remember aa I remember 9 years of dry drunk with a little marijuana to help smooth it out for him cuz it was kind of like it was not too nice. Um, that's when I wanted him dead.

I wanted my dead. Oh, just how can I help? It's not about service.

I just wanted, you know, I just, you know, you know, and then he tried to, you know, give me back the love that he didn't give me as a child. And I just didn't want it. You know, I was too angry and I was 15.

You know, I'm want to do what I want to do still. And now I'm doing it. And um so, you know, my sister at that point, she went off to the Mormon church, my older sister, and where she probably got into relationship with the bishop's daughter.

And uh you know like you know my older sister's a lesbian and I make me you know the and we're in this school. We wouldn't really act like a I was just sensitive. I was tough at the same time cuz we grew up on a farm and you kind of had to do stuff like you know buck hay and you know build fences and fix the barn and that kind of stuff.

But I was and I was tough because I was hurting probably. I mean, I was just in turmoil, but I was a teenager and I thought that's well, I didn't think that that's what all teenagers went through. Everyone else in high school was having a good time, you know, and I hated them being cheerleaders and all the I can't wait for my 20-y year high school reunion, which is coming up this next year.

I'm really genuinely looking forward to going back. I really am with um you know, I I I really want to see, you know, I've watched Rome and Michelle's High School reunion like five times. I'm the Mary Gerroa cuz it was kind of like that, you know, and uh can you see how we change?

I know how I've changed and uh and I I really genuinely am looking forward to it and hope they are doing well. But anyway, not at the time. I couldn't wait to get out of there.

I got out of that house as soon as I could. You know, my younger sister was sort of like with me. We were we'd go off and we had the same circle of friends.

We're about the same age. And so we would, you know, get the car and, you know, people would ship in for gas. It was, we have a different car about every 3 months cuz I might wreck one and then one might break and, you know, just $200 cars every few months with teenagers.

It's like clothes, cars. We went through it. So we'd get that, you know, four in the front, six in the back, couple cases of beer, and just go out and do stupid things, you know, and try to get home by curfew.

remember driving that Buick Electra 225 1972 455 down the freeway 125 miles an hour because we could and the muffler came off and we were just shooting sparks like 25 ft in the air and I was in the back this is so cool I was going to get in so much trouble but you know I don't care so getting that car in the driveway with a 455 engine with no muffler not something you can sneak in. So we cut the engine and coasted down the hill into the house. Well, that's a lot of weight to stop without power bank.

So we mom and dad woke up that night. So, you know, I just it didn't have any sense, you know, but looking back, we had a blast. We had a blast.

I did what I wanted to do, you know. Um, so, you know, my sister and I, my younger sister and I were pretty close. My older sister was the Mormon lesbian and you couldn't be that and be Mormon, I don't think.

But anyway, she was and so we were really kind of separate. She was sort of like, I used to tease her, you know, but you're going to go to hell. We used to throw together dinner.

We were mean. We get along great now. We we really I've got a great relationship with my family today.

I'm glad about that. And I would threaten her like I just hold up a fork and she'd know what that meant cuz when I was my earliest childhood memory was I think I was three and you don't remember a lot from that far back but I was sitting at the head of the table somehow and she was at the other end and my parents were off to the side. That's when we like one of the times must have been Thanksgiving cuz we were at the table.

um doesn't happen a lot, but I threw a fork at her from across and it stuck right in her forehead before. And she's still to this day, she's almost 40. She has these little she's about it now, right?

She's like, I just hold that flight. I'll get you. I will.

So, I keep her in line. So, took it out of there. we're having fun time and you know just going through life the best way you know flunked out of school and you know my my teachers would get so mad because it wasn't because I wasn't smart it's not about that I smart I might be too smart for this goal you know I wasn't too smart for Alcoholics Anonymous you know for real uh but I didn't want to be there you know I didn't want to apply myself I didn't know how I didn't have a lot of self-esteem as we don't when we're teenagers anyway but so I got out there moved to Eureka which was like the big city.

Woo. And I and I got in with 25,000 people, you know, when you grow up on a farm. And, you know, got a job, was a waiter, I started drinking with people um a little heavier, you know, I was uh 17 when I moved out.

These people were in their 30s and they're my age now. And uh so they'd lived a little and uh just a little and um so I started, you know, hanging out with older crowd. our group really fast and uh which is exactly what I wanted to do you know started getting little you know with the law the law would come in I also had never been to jail without the police being involved I they will show up at the most unopportune times you know it's very inconvenient but it was like stupid stuff sometimes it was a DUI you know and back then it was easier but it'd be like I get a ticket for a tail light that was missing and you're supposed to just buy a bulb for what a buck 29 nine or something.

I don't know what it is. You put it in and they sign and you're done. You know, simple things like that I wasn't able to do.

So, I just forget about it. You know, what are they going to do? Well, they're going to probably stop you for the same bulb that isn't fixed.

And then by then you're going to have a warrant for your arrest and you're going to be on your way to some event that you're supposed to be at and you're not going to be at it. So, and it's going to cost you more. And so, I did that.

The same bulb over I mean, you know, it's insanity. So little things like that just you know started whirling through relationships you know I could hook them hook them good you know charmed them got him home and then you know that my prisoner you know sort of like the parent said you know we spend like you know 5 minutes getting into relationships and like you know sometimes yours trying to get out of them and will they get away first or will it be me and um it was usually them but they didn't leave me you see I had to ask them to leave that's the It was, you don't believe me. But, you know, at first it was just inconvenient.

And then, you know, the the the more I started to drink, the more I got into it. Uh, you know, I started getting violent, you know, and I did some things through the years, you know, with my partners that I'm not really proud of. And some people that know me, you know, unless I told you, you would never know.

But I think I'm in the sky today. I am, you know. But I wasn't always nice, you know.

I was nice. I was like, man, it'd be really nice that if you really made me angry and anger came up, it would turn into rage and I couldn't control myself. So, I did some things, you know, physically, you know, harmed people.

I mean, we would just beat the out of each other, you know, and um bad and uh you know, so blood and broken glass and the police and uh you know, hospitals and hospitals and institutions, you know, and almost death and you know, I just did that over and over again. And I thought, God, what's wrong with these guys that I picked? You know, what the hell?

They're so nice. bought me a beer, move in, you know, my and then you just turn into this monster, you know, and that I have to defend myself or something. I was in denial.

So, I ripped through that kind of at that point, I really hadn't had much kind of sketchy contact with my family. Not that they had done anything wrong, it's just that I was, it's hard for me to be around them. And I think because they had expressed many times that, you know, well, frankly, we're worried, you know, uh, you know, we're worried.

And I didn't like to be wor I was a big boy. I was a man now. And, you know, I didn't need that.

And I wanted to be left alone. And I just couldn't get close to him. Couldn't warm up to him.

And it was awful. And it was like that for years. I mean, I would do holidays and I would have him over and I it was just hard and I just couldn't couldn't get there.

I wanted to, but I and sometimes I didn't. And you know, it was sad, but um so you know, and just twirled through life, you know, the best I didn't have an instruction book. I don't know if I'd have read it cuz I'm a guy and we don't read the instructions until we really need them anyway, which is Alcoholics Anonymous.

Thank you. But um I needed it, but there was no design for living that really worked. And uh there wasn't.

So I was doing the best I could. So you know I kind of into the cycle of cars would be trashed or repossessed or stolen or whatever breakdown and then lovers would leave and then usually eviction proceedings would start and then then I would lose my job and it would happen just like that. car lover, job house, house, car, chber, rubber house, some combination of that, you know, um, get your credit back together, start paying some bills, and then it would just all fall apart again, just over and over and over and over and over.

And, you know, you know, I couldn't haul a job. I switched jobs. I tried everything, you know, I tried everything to, you know, change uh, I tried everything.

I tried a lot of things to to change, you know, to try to make it different moving. who did the geographics. Um, the only thing I didn't try to do was to drink natural wines.

Only natural wines, as it says in our book. You know, the things we try to do to stop drinking. Only natural wines.

You know what I'm talking about. But didn't I didn't think to do that, but I don't know that that would have worked. So, like as opposed to the unnatural wines I've been drinking all these years.

Anyway, so you know there, you know, inter spent a lot of time in Gville and I had to get out of Humble County and just, you know, I had to go to Gville. I'd been to massage school and actually was kind of good. Then I it was in the 80s and I went to massage school and I would spend you know hours meditating every day and and uh get six hours of massage a day and I mean talk about a spiritual experience going and then at the end I smuggled that cocaine into this holistic retreat you know cocaine at night for another spiritual experience.

I mean I just had it wrong. So in the 80s it was about you know trans channeling. We were just talking about that this morning, you know, trans channeling and all the crystals and um no offense if you like crystals.

I just was trying that out and cocaine with all that. And I didn't have a spiritual experience at all, I don't think. So, um so I had to get out of that county and I came to Gernville and I was a bartender, you know, to do that.

And uh and then yeah, I just I met Deb and Garville and she probably remembers and um uh you know working at Molly Browns and and Flinging Hash and you know their policy was you can have an occasional beer. Well, during your shift and so I thought well you know I don't know what's an occasion and we'll anything. 10:00.

And actually, if we can have an occasional beer, well, isn't that the same thing as a as a glass of wine or or one and a quart of liquor? And I really do prefer brandy and coke. So, I think I'll just have those.

And since I'm a bartender, I can do whatever I want. And I got a job where I can do what I want. So, you know, I just sort of rolled around there.

Uh I knew everybody in town. Everybody in town knew me. So when I when things got ugly, they knew about it pretty quickly.

And uh you know, the last last night I was employed there, I you know, pretty much tore the place up. I you know, my my partner and I had split up and we were both working. It was pretty volatile situation.

And and oh, by the way, this his name is Michael and I have a disclaimer. My current partner's name is Mike and we'll refer to him as the good Michael bad Michael. Not the same person.

There was some confusion about that. Oh, you stole a bike, huh? Oh, I'm glad you guys worked all that out.

No, I didn't do it to him. I was throwing the remote control with him, but just that once I didn't hit him. Um, so I was at this bar, you know, I I got back there and I wanted to ride home and I started trouble.

I It was 3:00 in the morning. We're still in the bar drinking. Should have been home.

And he said something to me and, you know, that little something just clicked as it did from time to time. And I remember picking up a bottle of J&B Scotch, which the owner of the bar drank, and I threw it and he had like lined up all the bottles of empty liquor on the bar and as you count them all out and it hit on them like boeing pens and it knocked them all through and then it hit send the last one flying through the front window. Ooh.

And off the cigarette machine. And so then we were fighting and I mean the pool table got ripped. I broke the other window.

I got thrown out down the ramp and then I made I wanted my jacket cuz I was going to walk home. I pulled the door handle off and broke, you know, I wonder if he's called the police yet. I knew that um I knew I couldn't stop the behavior from happening, but I knew that I I better hurry up cuz I have I've got a window here.

You know, somebody's going to come and you know, there's noise happening here. You know what I mean? There are neighbors.

So, uh I knew I knew to run and I did. And I remember just walking up old cazaderoa road and hiding at my friend's house and watching the police and the security, you know, they were listening for me as I explaining to do. So I ran home and I passed out and I woke up the owner of the bar I called me I thought to wake me up and re my obviously overslept my alarm the next day.

I was to work that morning and I thought, "Oh, hi." He was so nice and he wasn't generally that nice all the time and uh oh, thanks for waking me up. Okay, you know, try to get there as soon as possible. We said, "Well, actually, I went ahead and covered your shift." He's so calm about it, but if you could come in, I'd like to talk to you.

Okay. And so I Oh my god. And you know where everyone knows your name, it's like cheers.

And all the people that are there when it opens were like, "Oh no, what did I do?" And I said, "I didn't remember it." So, um, yeah, a lot of that. So, um, this poor Michael though, you know, I mean, we tried, but he didn't know how to do it either. and you know, bless his heart.

I did eventually make amends to him before he passed away, which I'm glad. So, a lot of moments like that that I've been able to go back, you know, sober and clean up. So, you know, so clean, you know, and it feels good to be able to do that.

You know, I just, you know, he, bless his heart, we have this little goose in our little house there, and uh I don't know how the goose got there, but we have this goose now. He said, "You know, uh, Dick," his friend, a sort of gay mother-in-law, said, "He wants to get me a turkey." And I thought, you know, we don't really feed the goose, take care of the goose. I don't think we should get a turkey.

No, I think we should get a turkey. And I'm in working that day, and he's coming in to tell me this, and I can't control it cuz I got to be at work, and I can't leave and make him not do that. But so he comes in and said, "Oh, we got a turkey.

It's home. So when you get home, there'll be a turkey." And I was furious that he divides me. I get home, poured myself a drink and said, "Where is this turkey?

I want to eat the turkey." Oh, it's in the bathroom. Oh, the bathroom. Great.

You know, start off and then there's a frozen turkey in the tub like Thanksgiving time. You know, I thought turkey, you know, grew up on a farm, don't want turkeys. They everywhere.

I instead of saying, "Oh, how funny is that that you pulled this little amusing joke on me?" I picked up the turkey and I just threw it out the door and rolled down the hill and they said, "Oh, this turkey, his name is Elmo." And so the door Elmo goes rolling down the hill. After a couple of drinks, I thought, well, you know, that was kind of funny. So maybe we should get the I mean, you just get the turkey and put it in the fridge.

And I went out there and was half devoured by raccoons, you know, frozen. So I missed a lot of opportunities, you know, when I came. Uh, so this is hard.

You know, I we got so bad we had moved into Santa Rosa because, you know, clearly living in the Russian River trying to bartend to work in the same place and break up or do your relationship drama in front of the old town wasn't working. And it was not our fault, it was the town's fault. So we tried Santa Rosa, got a day job, you know.

Yeah, it was burning real salt and um so you didn't help either. you know, and just did the Monday through Friday, 7 to 4, fifth to brandy after work and, you know, just changed the way I drank to adjust to my work schedule and could barely keep that job. And, you know, going a couple years into the future, I just, you know, got so bad with him that, you know, it's sort of like and my friend Sheila would say, you know what, if you don't stop it, you're going to you're going to you're going to come too and he's going to be dead.

But people would talk mean to me like that. I thought she was being mean. She loved me and cared about me and to the point where she had to, you know, distance herself from me.

She cared so much that she couldn't watch me do that. My sister since then had written me a letter saying, you know, I I love you, wish you the best, but I I I cannot be in your life. I can't watch this.

I'm I'm just going to wait for the phone call. I mean, that's just what I need to do to take care of myself cuz it's too painful, you know, and I just I can't get there to I can't do anything for her. I can't stop what I'm doing to make it okay for her.

As much as I want it to hurt, but you know, you just do what you want to do and that's what I wanted to do. So, you know, uh it got to the point where, you know, yeah, one of us is going to be dead, you know, and I kind of like I realized that it wasn't enough to stop drinking, but it wasn't enough to leave. So, my friend at this time, Good Time Joe, Good Time Joe, he it was like my, you know, he would come in and out of my life.

My best drinking buddy. I mean, we could drink side by side for long periods of time. He would always look better.

He never had red eyes. He never had bags. He just, you know, I hated it.

I would just I would have fair skin and you know the slightest blemish or stress causes me red eyes and you know I just I'm still like that. I mean I'm just fair like that. But um I look like hell and uh so he come into town and he said you know I got this tent and I want to go camping and so all right.

So we were kind of waiting and it was like March I think in 94 you know and this is the year I got sober. So he he it was getting kind of bad. Michael and I were fighting bad.

people were fighting again and um he said, "What do you want to do?" And I said, "You know, I I'll just fold this laundry and if he goes to the store for something, I think I think I think we should go. I really think I need to get out of here." So, we took the tent, the Hillary 6,000 available upstairs. Huge two rooms.

We So, we went to Gville, back to Gville, and I thought, you know, I'm just going to lay low. So, we went to Johnson's Beach in Gville and you know, you could get like a a River View campground for $175 a month, including utilities, which there were utilities. It's great.

And and a cable cuz I brought my Well, I do need my TV for camping. So, I brought inside bed, color TV, you know, I set up shelf. I had a clothes hanging.

It was like a It was a But we needed more room. We had to expand. So, we set up He had his own tent.

We have a little tent village there, but I mean I'm like I had cable. I had my TV going, you know, and I was living in Johnson Beach and still working at Awley I think at that time and uh trying to not get fired, working graveyard shift and just by then, you know, methamine instead of which had always been a part of my story really just were starting to to drag me down much faster. You know, I think the reason why they call it speed is it gets us here faster.

I don't know. It doesn't I didn't go really fast when I did that stuff necessarily. I talked fast, but um it's an addiction.

So, we're at this campground and and I just, you know, the drunks in Gville, the town drunks were not wanting to do anything. They didn't want anything to do with me. It was embarrassing.

I don't know if Deb, you know, they still remember, you know, the Rick that oh, how you know, pity is kind of what I saw in their eyes. Too bad he can't get it together. He's such a nice guy, you know, and I think they're all up.

They're out there drinking just like me. Well, how come they're focusing all their attention on my shortcomings defects? Cuz I just lived out loud, I guess.

So anyway, you know, and I the moment, you know, the the jumping off point just kind of came as I was, you know, trying to kill a bottle at, you know, I don't know, 10 in the morning down by the river and trying to scrape whatever I could out of my drug paraphernalia, just trying to get the day going uh at 10:00 and uh it's, you know, it's it's just it's over. kind of started dating this this guy and he said, "You know, you might have a problem with alcohol and sort of like, you know, people have been telling me this for years, but you know, it's it's like no magic. It just sort of I heard him.

It was really that easy. It was no, you know, the the the clouds didn't harden, the light coming down, illuminating me, and it wasn't like that. It was just, you know, you're right." And so it was like in an instant I said, you know, I need to go to a meeting and I need to go to one tonight.

It it just happened that fast. The the transition I stopped. I mean, I tried to do it.

Um, sorry, that was about a couple days later. It was a couple days where I tried to get drunk and loaded, you know, drinking those huge bottles of wine and, you know, full of bottles of alcohol and just couldn't get drunk. That's happened to a lot of us, you know, you pisses you off.

It's just an incredible waste of money. Nothing, you know, and I'm like, I should be like I should be dead. And many times I was, you know, almost dead and and showed up for work, you know, 27 on the way to work.

>> It would kill some people, you know. Um, that's the way I drove around, you know, and uh, so, you know, so I tried that, dashed off to a he took me to my first meeting and boy then, you know, s things started to change. I wanted to get sober.

I I I wanted sobbiety. I wanted it to stop and I was willing to do anything. I was at that point where oh god I'm so I'm tired.

I'm just really really tired and I don't think I can do it anymore. So then I wanted to get into treatment and that was I couldn't get into treatment fast enough. Okay, Rick Moore says sober up and the the door should be opening for me as they have in the past and then it didn't happen right away.

Well well we can get you in in a month or so or yeah we do take credit cards and I thought well how can I get a credit card? I don't have any left. Uh, you know, I didn't have the forethought to go, well, you know, cuz I didn't know about amends, what that was about, but I guess I could steal a credit card, charge your own recovery, just make amends for it later.

I wasn't that smart. But I got into I got in in 3 days. I didn't fast.

And I said, you know, I just need to be somewhere. You know, I had like my insurance would cover 5 days of medical detox and and I had three days I think three days clean with somebody watching me the entire time. You know, please don't leave me cuz I don't trust myself.

I I don't want to, but I just don't trust myself. I I really don't. And so he watched me and I got up in St.

Helena, you know, nice place, swimming pools, movie stars, and um yeah, 15 grand or something like that. And they said, you know, um, well, we can, we can't ethically take you because we're medical detox and you, you know, you're not falling on the floor, flopping around with, you know, convulsions and, you know, you're past not shaking too bad and, you know, you're you're on the mend, you know, we can't take you. And I was just like, oh, I just drove past all my favorite wineries to get here in a hurry and luckily made it to another treatment center where they took me.

So, you know, I got in there and I did it. Um, you know, the counselors were mean to me and it was hyper sensitive. You can just shut up cuz I was a talker.

You know, I thought you just keep talking and that'll disarm them. You know, they won't they won't figure it out. They haven't seen anybody like me and they had.

So, you know, and one in particular was just mean, just mean to me. And, you know, I I since then I've seen him at meetings and I just love him. He's wonderful, you know.

And uh so I did what they said, you know, they took us in vans to meetings. They they said, you know, look, you're here for a limited time. You've got a there's 18 of you in this room.

One of you is probably going to make it. One of you's probably going to make it. I kind of thought we all were.

And and and I learned that that wasn't true. We got out of there, you know, and Teddy's at the park drunk. I mean, like literally left his bed, went to the park, and was drunk within an hour.

And you know, they just like to watch them drop like flies. And I thought, you know, I can't do that. You know, for once in my freaking life, I I've just got to do something that that I've got to do something.

I've got to do something. I've got to make it work. So, it just it just, you know, made me dive even deeper.

So when I first got here um and for what I think several years I was like you know involved you know secretary literature coffee you know you remember fighting for commitments with some people I needed it I you know it worked sponsor uh meetings call people go to coffee you know the layman's here you know and Lonnie there's three of us that kind of kind of grew together and we're all within a couple months of each other and we you know we just talked and we hung out and I I stick with the winners and you know find the winners you know I was hanging out with losers so it must be the other people you know what I'm saying not so uh with the winners and they did and that's you know and I mean my life began to change you know uh it it it changed drastically it's been altered I've been rearranged And uh you know it says I like the promises when they read those because that's what I heard. That's what I wanted. I'm like you promise you know I'm like doubtful here.

Really? If you do this this will happen and you know your whole attitude outlook upon life will change. You know it doesn't say in there it'll change right back next Tuesday if you're not careful because it might.

But you know if you're engaged it'll you'll have you'll have the spiritual awakening as a result of the steps if you take that action. And uh and I did I got a great sponsor and uh sometimes good. Okay.

Got a great sponsor. Love him. Still talk to him and uh you know he helped me good great sponsor.

He had a great sponsor. He helped me a lot. He spoonfed me the big book.

Just you know spoonfed. He taught me all the big words. He taught me how to use a dictionary to look up the big words, you know, and he would say things like and he got like made me, you know, we can't do it by ourselves.

We need help, I think. You know, everything I Oh, by the way, everything I say is my opinion. All right.

Well, we need help. I think we do cuz we read the book. I wasn't a very good student.

I would read something and I forget what I read. The history or m I just don't pay attention. I don't care enough that this was important enough to really get it.

And so, you know, we would read a paragraph at a time and talk about that for the whole two hours. And then we'd meet the next week and and sometimes we get a page and sometimes we do a whole chapter, but a lot of times there's a lot of meaty things in that book. And so, you know, get out your dictionary and look it up.

You don't know everything. You don't, you know, and drill on that into my head. And uh so, you know, my life began to change again.

You know, it says in the book, you know, sweet relationships are restored. You know, um the war was over. I lost.

Thank God I was tired of fighting anyway. So you know sweet relationships restored you know uh your life began you begin to build it again and but this time from from a new place you know starting with the foundation and all and it's just it's grown from there. I mentioned that not every day is a Doris day because you know if you're not careful it'll change back.

You know I used to be bitter disillusioned disillusioned and cynical like on a daily basis and you know looked at the world like everyone's out to get me and I'm just going to get what I want first from life and then you know before before you get it preferably and you know that that begins to change. You know, I could probably go on all day, but I won't about, you know, just the grace. I've heard that word used here this weekend.

Grace. That's when God does for us. Who said that?

Judy. When God does for us what we can't do for ourselves. And that, you know, that has been true for me.

I'm just not smart enough to figure it all out sometimes. And I need some help. And there's been wonderful people that have helped me out through the years.

you know, there's people I can call at any time, day or night, if I need help, and I know that, you know, and uh what else? It's true. The way I try to live my life today is I try, you know, I this last year I've done a lot of traveling.

I' I've been uh sort of in a different place. I I traveled all summer for work, you know, to the point of exhaustion. So my um spiritual sanctuary got a little off.

I was a half bubble off plum pretty much also. Are you getting to enough meetings? No, but I got to go speak at this meeting.

So I should go to a bunch before then so I'll appear spiritual. But this is the inspirational meeting, not the spiritual meeting. Oh thank god pressure.

So you know we don't do it perfectly. I don't. I did.

Now I don't. You know what I mean? Like when I was one year and two year and three year I thought I was doing it.

Well I was I was putting a whole lot of energy into it but we never do it perfectly. took me a while to learn that. You know, I think I'm just relaxing into my sobriety.

You know, I'm not I'm not a total because I'm not going to just the right meetings and doing it and I having spiritual thoughts every minute of the day. As recently as last week, you know, we were on this trip going up to look at some property in Northern California. In fact, this is Northern California, really far north.

And we were coming back gas station along the way and the line wasn't moving as fast as I thought it should. I mean, like I'm 3/4 of the way done with my coffee and I'm in line still, right? and I just want to pay for some gas and get going.

I'm in a hurry, an incredible hurry, don't you know? So, I tried to and there was no other alcoholics in the room. Thank God.

I left the front desk when I was checking in. I'll get to that in a minute. So, there was nobody that knew me.

So, I excuse me, can I just have my credit card back so that I can go? Was kind of what came out cuz some of my filter got broke. I was a little tired, a little angry, a little back was hurting from dry and I just, you know, don't you know who I am?

The poor lady, she came out from assisted me with a smile and I was on my way. And I'm like, lady, I'm 3/4. I mean, I'm going to walk out with these donuts.

If you don't, I mean, I was like, not nice. And um if I had called my sponsor with something like that, he would have said, "Sugar, was that the most spiritual thing that you could have done at the time?" I guess I could have done a little better and I try we try you know we're it's it's practice not per what is it >> progress >> not perfection that's what it is you know um I I um I have a favorite page in the big book it's 132 it's I think 13 lines down from the top of the page and 13 lines up from the bottom we absolutely insist upon enjoying life today. You know, I was miserable before I got here.

You know, not every day is a door date. Remember, sometimes it's just Wednesday and there's nothing going on and it's just, you know, it's musty TV and then you go to bed, but you're but you didn't kill anybody that day, you know, and hopefully you didn't harm anybody that day and um so sometimes that's as good as it gets. But I'll take that, you know, I'll take that.

Um absolutely. It's just fun enjoying life, you know. I do most of the time.

I still get to do what I want to do, which is really cool. Um what I try to do is to not do it at the expense of others or you know and you know does that make sense? I mean I didn't care before and I do now it luckily it's worked out that way.

Great partner great God I don't know maybe I'm full of but um seems that way feels that way feels true. Got a lot of wonderful friends and you know I I I came to that point where it's sort of like I can't tell you anything else that you probably don't already know. Welcome to the new people.

I didn't mention that. Um, you know, if you keep coming back, then I'll keep coming back. You know, it's not working out there and I need to know that.

And, you know, and your presence here will tell me that it isn't working. If it was working, it would be we'd all be disappearing, you know, and we wouldn't have that. Well, we have right here.

Um, I think I'm done. I think, you know, that's it. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise.

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