Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. If you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-rise.com.

Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Hi there.

My name's Mary the I'm an alcoholic >> and I want to thank um Danielle and Rich for persisting to ask me um to come. I have to wait a minute. Sorry.

You there, God? Um, it's it's just a real privilege to be back in New England. I um I'm now from Santa Fe in the winter, but I still have a place in Maine.

And uh this past year was the first year I've been out uh in Santa Fe. It was the best year to be away from New England. Let me tell you, not everybody was very happy with me because I would call in and say, "Hi from sunny Santa Fe.

I just talked at some place. So now I'm going to have to think for a minute here." Um actually I will tell you that um last week I I've I've had the privilege for a while now in recovery to uh to really speak in different areas in our country and um it it's it's unbelievable the family uh and the people in Alcoholics Anonymous. Uh I never wanted to be a speaker.

I just felt as though that really wasn't where I wanted to do anything. I just wanted to sit in the back and sit on my hands and be invisible. Uh this was not something that I thought was a great goal to be doing.

And um about uh 18 years ago or 1989, I moved out to New Mexico to go to a small school. Um it was um a woman by the name of Dr. Elizabeth Kubler Ross.

She had um um uh a program out there, a two-year degree in hospice and grief counseling. She's a lot of people might not know who she is. She's famous, I think, mainly for the five stages of grief.

And um and I had always liked what she wrote and had the opportunity to go out there. And when I got out there, they had a little um AA convention up in Talos and uh they asked me if I would share. And I thought, my sponsor had always said to me, uh, you only have to do it once.

Whatever they ask you in AA, you just have to do once. At least try it and find out if that's where you belong or where you fit in Alcoholics Anonymous. So, um, I spoke at that conference and I thought, thank God that's over with.

Well, little did I know that they were taping it. And I want to just thank the taper. Um, now I want to thank the taper because the taper has a lot of tapes.

Um, and for you people, especially when you live up here in New England, it's wonderful to hear other than just in small meetings, you sometimes hear the same people all the time. But, um, I, um, I've got to say there's a lot of people in my life in recovery that are no longer with me, but they're with me on the tapes, and I'm and I'm eternally grateful for that. So, I had been taped and the next time I was to speak was at a little conference in Brownwood, Texas and um they called me up and I went down and it w and it's called Womento Women and it's a conference that bridges the gap between AA women and Alanon women and I'm here to say I'm a double winner and I'm proud of it.

Um uh I think that um there's enough diversity and this is a family illness and uh I'm um I have to have a lot of respect for the Alenons and I'm very grateful for them. Um anyway, I went to this conference um 17 years ago. It was their 15th annual one and it was the second time I'd ever spoken and the woman that was my roommate was the Allan and her name was Rusty Kelly and she was a lovely lovely woman and I was a wreck.

I thought I can't do this. I don't want to do this talking and so forth. And she said to me, she said, "You know, I used to feel the same way." And she said, "Johnny Harris told me that your phone won't ring unless God wants you to speak." And ever since then, I've realized this is not about Mary the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And hopefully I can demonstrate what God has done for me over the last 34 years. Um, I had the privilege of being in Brownwood, Texas again last weekend. They asked me back to speak and I came away from that conference proud to be a woman, proud to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and I had so much fun.

Just so much fun. Now in Texas, they're really something. They really are.

The women there are amazing. And when I walked in, it looked like a fashion show for heaven's sakes. They were unbelievable.

And they have so much bling. I I just got hysterical. All of them need a sling to hold up their five karat diamonds.

It is amazing to see what these women do. But they have fun with it. They really have fun with it.

So I got ready to talk and I happened to have been wearing the same thing last Friday night um in Brownwood, Texas. And I looked over at one of my hostesses or one of the committee and I said, "You know that bracelet that would match my outfit?" And she took it OFF and she said, "You may wear it." And by the end of the evening of my talk, she said, "You can keep it." And I said, "You know something? This really is not what we do in New England.

We need to loosen up, ladies. We need a little bling in our life, you know. And I told them out of respect to that conference, I was going to bring and wear this and not be ashamed.

It is tastefully goddy. >> Great people. >> >> It happens to have been the first woman towoman and from that little conference there's been 41 other women towoman friendto friend that has grown from that conference down there and uh just wonderfully principled people lovely and now here I am in New England I was raised in New England I was raised north of Austin.

I'm here today with um a gal. We've known each other since we were 6 years old. >> I got in early into Manchester and I rented a car.

Yeah, they always they laugh at me with an accent in Texas. I told them they couldn't uh you know, really. Uh, and I got to Marvel Head on uh, Wednesday night and I'm staying with Missy and her husband Jack, who's been in this program for a lot of years also.

And that's my hometown. Um, it's a beautiful hometown. It really is gorgeous.

Uh, but I have an issue because there's a lot of pain for me from that hometown. I was raised with a lot of money, property, and prestige. and it diverts you from your primary purpose.

And um I was raised by mainly by nurse maids. In fact, I think Missy's family was more my family in a way than my own family. And my family were not bad people.

They were just very New England proper. And my dad was 47 when I was born. And he really didn't like little kids.

So we had a lot of nurse maids. And it was it wasn't an easy growing up for me. and I and I was rebellious and that was not proper.

So, um because I wasn't doing what I was supposed to be doing, they sent me to a little prep school and that happens to be Fryberg Academy. So, I really feel as though I'm kind of in the roots here. Now, by the time I got to Fryberg Academy, I do believe that I was um a budding teenage alcoholic.

Uh, I knew enough to to get um um cida on the roadside that didn't have any preservative in it and that um that I could make hard cida and I knew how to con my father to get me more than one gallon of that. I would tell him that everybody in the dorm would drink it and so couldn't I get two or three gallons and he out of guilt, you know how to push those guilt balls. Um he would buy that for me.

I didn't share that. You see, that's a little trait of us alcoholics. We don't share.

And of course, I lied. And then I learned how to steal very early because, you see, they had a nice big liquor cabinet. They didn't understand where the liquor was going.

So, they put a lock on it. But it was in one of those cabinets that had a hinge. And I learned very easy how to take the hinge out, move it, and be able to, you know, get my scotch to bring it back to Fryberg Academy.

So, I know that I drank and I felt a difference. I felt as though I could be part of when I drank. I don't want to get into a long drunk log.

I think the main thing I could just probably sum it up and say I never took a drink to be Mary. I took a drink to be anybody but me. I didn't like what I felt inside.

And alcohol made me feel as though I could belong. And it worked for a long time. And if it was still working, I'd still be at it.

That's just the way I feel. I left the um the school. I did some stuff.

I met a guy. He was cute, you know. Um we had a little relationship.

Then I thought, well, maybe I should go to college. So I came up to Lewon, Maine, went to a little college and then I found out I was pregnant. And so I was pregnant and then I got married, you know, kind of backwards.

I've done everything backwards all my life. And here I was um uh married to a man that of course was an alcoholic because I think water seeks its own level. And uh he wasn't the fun type of alcoholic I always say.

And um our weekend guests were the local police. Uh so I was what was considered a battered alcohol or bad battered wife. I left him when my daughter was eight months old and I went back to that hometown and I drank until well I drank until I could just I just drank and drank and drank and what happened is is that you get a reputation if you're a woman and I had to get away from that reputation and so I did what any alcoholic would do and that is to do their first geographical and I did and I went to Southern California and this is where the story starts because uh Ciney was there in Connecticut when I spoke and um uh I moved into an apartment on Magnolia Boulevard and it was a there was 20 units in that apartment building and for the first five years of being out there my daughter at that time was 5 years old when I moved moved and um for 5 years I drank and obviously I needed a babysitter and there happened to have been a woman who was living in an apartment there who had a teenage daughter and that daughter would come over and babysit my child because you see by then my progression in alcoholism had gotten to the point I was coming out of blackouts yelling at my daughter the only thing I love most in the in the world and even though that was a good reason not to drink anymore I decided it would better if I drank and bows.

I didn't know I had the disease alcoholism and I didn't understand that it was progressing. I didn't had no idea what was happening to me. All I knew was just that I had to have the alcohol.

And so I had this young gal, her name was Elena, would babysit my daughter and I'd always say, "Gee, I'm just going to go for about an hour. Do you think you could watch her?" They said, "Fine, Mary. No problem." And in about an hour or so, I would call and ask if they could do it for another hour.

And this went on until they finally said, "Why don't you just leave her overnight? You can pick her up in the morning." And this went on for a year and a half. And one morning, I went over to pick up my child.

And um by then, I was sleeping with a knife between my box spring and mattress to ward off what was trying to get me at night. I was crying myself to work. I was crying myself home.

The mother of this babysitter had a car. We parked out front every once in a while and I'd be trying to get out behind from behind her in the morning and she had this obnoxious sticker on the back of her car and it said easy does it and I would be trying to haul the car out saying easy does what? What does that mean?

That's so insane. Yeah. So, this morning that I walked over, that's a little hint.

Um, and I knocked on the door. The the mother came to the door and her name was Rosemary. And she invited me in to have a cup of coffee.

She said, "We really don't know each other very well, but perhaps it would be good to get to know. We know we know Candace very well." And uh so I um I sat down. It was only proper to do that.

And chat with who's been watching your child forever. And um she proceeded to tell me her story. And as she went on, she told me that she had come from New England, that she had gone to MIT, she was an engineer over at Burbank.

And and then she proceeded to tell me she was an alcoholic. And she kind of gave me a little bit of her story. And I thought to myself, well, gee, I know a lot of people that are just like that.

And for some reason, I said that. I said, you know, I know a lot of people that could probably do this AAA thing or whatever. And she said, "Really?" She said, "Well, we have open meetings." I said, "Nice." And she said, "There's one tonight." She said, "Why don't you come?" Well, I didn't I didn't think I had a babysitter, BUT she assured me that I did.

I love this because it's kind of a it's kind of a strange thing. What's really fun is is that this this woman her name was Rose or is Rosemary and um u one of her sponses is here and uh uh I I owe a great a great debt to this woman. She at the time was being sponsored by somebody called Clancy.

And he's kind of rigid, you might say, with some of his sponses. And so I went over that night to go to this meeting that I didn't know how to get out of. In fact, I remember being working.

They said, "How are you married?" "Fine." I said, "I'm going to an AA meeting tonight." They all went, "Mhm, good idea." Anyway, um I arrived and her husband at that time was a fellow by the name of David and she she was she she was very busy and she was a very strong woman. Now I've been called that but I was not strong at that moment. Uh alcohol had beaten me down to nothing.

And uh she said to me now she said you're going to go to a meeting with my husband. I have to do something else. my sponsor, whatever she was talking about, wants her to do something.

I didn't know what she was talking about, but I said, "All right, thank you very much." And David brought me into my first meeting. And I walked into this meeting. It was a Friday night.

It was September 13th, 19 I don't know if it was 13 or 14, but anyways, I know my sobriety date. The last time I had a drink was September 13th, 1973. And I went to this Friday night meeting.

It was the Friday Waneka meeting in the valley out there in North Hollywood or or it was in I don't know where it is. It's somewhere in the valley out there. And uh it's moved now I think to Chadzsworth.

But anyway, I walked in and it was a room probably like this. There was probably about three or 4 hundred people. And also in California they clean up like those women in Texas.

There's a lot of bling. I mean, they look pretty polished and they were very nice and they were um they came and they ran and gave me literature and they were David introduced me to all these women and um one lady came up and asked me if I was new and I said no no I'm just visiting and um she gave me these 20 questions and uh told me to answer one at a time when I have a moment sometime when it's you know I have nothing to do just to read I was sitting there and I was waiting for this meeting to start and the and they have they're really amazing meetings out there. They sing out a key when they have anniversaries.

They you know it was like a joke. People were laughing. Everybody seemed happy.

It was not what I had pictured Alcoholics Anonymous to be. I expected I don't know what I expected but it was not what I was sitting in by any means. And so in my mind, obviously the the defective thing it says I said, well, you know, they said it was an open meeting.

Perhaps everybody has come to see what Alcoholics Anonymous is. Kind of like the PTA or something, you know, they've been invited in or something. So I sat there and then finally they asked the woman to speak that was the speaker that evening and her name happened to have been Syibble.

And uh some started to laugh. They might have remembered Cibil. She was uh the first woman alcoholic in California and uh she was dynamite and she probably had as much time as I have today.

And I remember sitting there thinking to myself, she's got more time than I'm alive. And she started to talk and as she talked, I used to laugh and it was amazing. And then all of a sudden, she'd say something and I'd feel as though I was just going to sob.

You know that lump comes in your throat. And this went on through the whole talk. And when it was done, everybody was clapping.

And David said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "I could cry." And he said, "Go ahead." And it was almost as if like a floodgate opened. And I just started to sob. And I had no idea why I was crying.

And he walked me up to Cibil and he said, "Sibil, I want you to meet Mary there. It's her first meeting." And she wrapped her arms around me and she said, "Welcome home, honey." And that was, as I said, um September 13th, 1973. Uh I had no idea that that was the first time anybody had given me permission to have a feeling.

You're all probably from New England. Are we supposed to show anything? Being prophet nearly killed me.

David brought me home and he talked to me about the disease of alcoholism and he said it was a progressive disease. It's kind of like he said taking a bus. He says you can get off the bus right here in North Hollywood Mary theory.

You can take it all the way to Skidro. He says that might be your choice. I don't know.

He said but if you liked anything you heard he said why don't you come over and have coffee with Rosemi and I tomorrow and we'll talk. and he left me with a big book of Alcoholics Anonymous which I left on the coffee table but I did remember that those 20 questions that person had asked me and I was a little bit more honest than you. I answered 17 yes and then I saw this thing that said if you answer three or more you're out the line.

I mean they kind of trick you know it's like they don't say that up afterward. And I was sitting there on the couch and I remember looking out and I thought to myself, "Oh my god, I'm an alcoholic." And the next day I went over to Rosemary's and I walked in and she said, "Hi, Mary. How'd you like your first meeting?" And I said, "I think I'm an alcoholic." She said, "Yes, I've been waiting for you for a year and a half now.

Sit down." And she told me exactly what I was going to do. She says, "You're not going to drink or use. You're going to go to 90 meetings in 90 days.

You're going to get a sponsor. A sponsor that's been around for at least six to seven years who's into the big book and the 12 and 12." And she said, "I'll pick you up. You be ready." She didn't pick me up, but she could see if I came in or out.

She didn't know how I was going to get away from her, you know. And she said, "I will pick you up or I'll be ready to go at 7:30 or 8 or something like that." I said, "I don't think I was Elena will watch Candace. You know, God does for you what you can't do for yourself.

So then she told me a little things. She said, "Um, are you on any pills?" And I said, "No, I don't do drugs." And she said, "Are you on equibrium or Valium?" Now, I think her daughter was looking in MY MEDICINE CAB. I SAID, "WELL, I take volume, but you see, I have to because I end up in the hospital and I have these things and then I ended up in the hospital again." She said, "No, honey.

That's a dry drink." Well, I didn't like her very much. But nobody else had been waiting for me for a year and a half. And I don't recommend how I sobered up on the bricks, as they used to say it.

I really wished I had gone into a rehab. I think it's very necessary. I say this only because this is my story.

We didn't have a lot of rehabs in those days. Um, but I do not recommend anybody going through what I did. But maybe I needed to go through it that way or maybe I'd have gone back out.

I have no idea. But it was not an easy sobering up I did. I was going out of my mind.

you try cold turkeying volume and booze and I have been a daily drinker for a long time and doing volume for five years straight. So I was really I I think I was about seven or eight years sober and I read this book called I'm dancing as fast as I can. I finally said, "Oh my god." But you know, my sponsors used to say to me, "I know this program works because you were so crazy.

we're going to put you in Camaro and somehow something happened. That's my story. That's just how it worked for me.

I I don't I I don't, as I said, I don't recommend it. I think we have doctors for a reason. I think we have to pay attention to what the doctors say.

But for me, this is mine. So, she brought me to meetings for a week and a half. She brought me to the Pacific Group.

They're a wonderful group. They are really up and going and Yahoo and Yep. And then afterwards you go and you sit in coffee shops and you talk to I don't know how we ever lived.

We went to meetings and then we were in coffee shops all night. We drank coffee. You know it was like it was insanity and I was not well and I kept getting sicker.

I don't know about the rest of you but when I sobered up I got crazier. Did you? I got terribly crazy and I was shaking all the time.

I didn't stop shaping and shaking until I was about seven or eight months sober. And um she kept saying to me um have you got a sponsor? Well, I didn't know what a sponsor was.

What do you do interview? Where do what does this mean? What is we have our own lingo here?

And uh so this kind of went on and I was due back on the East Coast to for my father's birth. She kept telling me I was going to get drunk if I don't have a if I don't have a sponsor. All I knew was I didn't want her.

And yet she has given me more information. That woman gave me more information. If it wasn't for her, I'd be dead.

She used to say things to me like, "You're the fish you got to catch, honey." And she'd say, "Watch what you defend." She said, "Why are you defending? Why don't you back and think about it?" And those are tools that I still use. I still use.

I walked around with her for about um I don't know a week and a half and there was someone in one of the meetings that said must have known I was ready to have a seizure in recovery I think. And she said uh there's a meeting out in the West Valley. Why don't you come?

And I ended up in the West Valley. And I walked into a room. There's probably about 28 30 people and it seemed calm.

And all of a sudden, I felt as though there was an energy in that room and I felt safe. And there was a man talking about the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I thought, "Oh my god." He said, he called it the big book.

And I said, "Is he said, "If anybody doesn't have a big book, come see me afterwards." And I was thrilled. And I walked up to this man and he and he sold me my first big book. And um sometimes I tell a story about that, but I don't know.

I'm not moved to do it tonight. I'll just say listen to another tape and you can hear it. But I was thrilled that I found somebody that was talking about the big book and um the next, you know, I went home and and Rosemary said, "Have you got a sponsor?" That was her talk to me all the time.

And she scared me and I said, "I think I do." And she said, "Who?" And I So I told her, I said, "This man." I met him at a meeting and um and she said, "How long's he been around?" I said I said, "I think he's been around um the time you said." He says, "Is he into the big book?" And I said, "Yeah, he is." And I went back that following week. And I walked into that meeting. I was so thrilled to see him.

And uh I said, "Hi." And he said, "How are you this week?" This was after the meeting. And I said, "I think I'm okay." And I said, "I have a question." He said, "What is it?" I said, "Uh, I'm wondering if you could sponsor me." And he kind of leaned over and he looked at me and he said, he said, "Since I've gotten married, my wife doesn't caught me sponsoring women. says, "But that's her over there, that red head, and she's got kind of a Mickey Mouse program, and perhaps she'll help you up." And I went over to this woman and waited to talk to her, and she finally turned and looked down her nose at me and said, "Yes." And I said, "Would you sponsor me?" And she said, "Did you just ask my husband to sponsor you?" I said, "Yes, I did." And she said, "Why'd you do that?" And I told her this whole story that I was going to get drunk and this rosemary was blah blah blah blah blah.

And she must have taken some pity on this nut. And for every one of us nuts, there's a wrench. and I hope you find the wrench that fits you cuz I did.

She said, "You'll be at my house next Monday and she said, "We'll talk and when you come back from New England, you look around for a woman that you want what she has and you're willing to go to any lengths to get it and you ask her to guide you in this program." And I went to her house the following Monday and she asked me to tell her something about me. And when I finished, she looked at me and she said, "You told me that as if it's in the third person, like there's no feelings attached to it, like it belonged to somebody who lives down the block that you occasionally see once in a while." She said, "One day you'll tell that story and you'll share that story and you'll share your tears." and she gave me directions that I was to be in a big book study once a week. There was no question about that.

She said, "This is where you will find the answers. This is your basic text in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous." And she said, "We can see each other once a week." She told me a meeting she'd be at. She says, "Here's my number." She said, "Now, let me hear from you." And when I left, I can remember I was driving back home and she had the blest eyes I'd ever seen.

She had that type of eyes that when she looked at you, she knew who you were. She knew exactly who you were. You knew that you were never going to lie to that woman.

And I started to cry again. And I didn't know why I was crying. But I don't think anybody had really ever listened to me.

I never felt welcomed in my home in the big home or when I got married and beaten up and stuff. But there was finally somebody who wanted to listen to me and told me I was going to be all right. I got back east and it was a funny thing, wasn't it?

Uh Missy at that time was living in Rhode Island and she came to see her folks and I was with my folks in Marblehead and I said, "I'm going to AA. Come on." And um she ended up in Alenon for a number of years and then finally made it to us. Um and and what a gift and what a gift to have your best friend.

What a gift. How am I going to tell you about 34 years? How am I going to tell you what this program is all about?

I think in the beginning it was a feeling. It was when I walked into the halls and I felt safe with you people. It was when I realized that it was going to be okay for one hour, maybe an hour and a half.

I was blessed enough and I think God knew it that I had not only Rosemary in that apartment building, but three other people that were members of Alcoholics Anonymous. So, I was never really alone. I was never really alone.

They always checked on me. They always made sure I was doing okay. I hate to tell you, I have a wreckage of my recovery almost worse than a wreckage of my drunk along.

I was a little what they call self-willrun riot, although I didn't think so. And it took a while for me in these halls to understand that there is a surrender to alcohol and then there is a surrender to self-well riot. I took my third year um cake and I was sobbing.

I remember Bev says, "You're going to get up there and you're going to tell it the way it is." She said, you need to ask for help. I think pride is such a horrible um defect of character and one that uh continues throughout our recovery. At least it does for me.

Um I learned the black lines in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I learned them very very well. Um before menopause, I could quote the period and the tea and every other there is there.

But I didn't understand that I was hiding behind that. So tonight, I think what I'm going to do is I'm going to talk to you about where I am today. And I'm just the same as that gal that came in uh who's got eight days.

And welcome. I think the biggest thing that I've learned over the last I would say 8 to 10 years is that being teachable is the only reason I stand here tonight with you people. I'm not ahead of you.

I'm not behind you. I'm walking shoulderto-shoulder with you because I have a common solution and hopefully shouldertosh shoulder we can escape disaster together. Please don't ever put me on a pedestal.

I want to thank the committee that they don't have big speaker ribbons hanging off of your badge and stuff. I rip those things off the minute I get here because I'm no better. Anybody can be up here.

Anybody can do this. If God calls, say, "Okay." And up you come. Now, what happened for me is that I got heavier and heavier into the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I can remember it was about 10 years ago. I don't know if it was then or I don't know when it was, Missy. Maybe you can remember, but I was sitting and I was reading one more time Bill's story.

And within that story, he he gets to the point where you're reading about the the steps in his story. And he said he turned all things in to his newfound friend. And I remember I was sitting there and I was because I ponder.

Some people who know me, they know I ponder. And I thought, do I think of God as a newfound friend? Is God my pal?

What is my con conception of God? Do you notice in the book it says conception? It doesn't say concept.

Conception means growing, continuing. Talked about that also in Bill's story. It talks about how we need to enlarge on our spiritual life or we will not be able to face this the the certain low spots and trials ahead.

That means we're certainly going to do that. And how we do that is we work with others. And I've been blessed enough to be able to work with others.

We will have trials and I've gotten a few in my recovery. But I as I looked at the second step and I said, "Is this God my pal? Is this going to be somebody that I really trust?" And I said, "What what do I believe in?

How did I come?" It doesn't say believe. It says, "How did you come to believe? How what did I come to believe in?" The very first thing I've already told you is an energy in these rooms.

I believed that when I walked in here that there was a loving God as he expressed himself and I could feel it. And for a long time, remember I told you I didn't ever want it to feel. Well, you will feel when you get into recovery.

You're going to feel everything. And the one feeling I was after was that feeling I felt when I came and I sat down the first time, you know, when you really know you got the sponsor that really, by the way, that woman was my temporary sponsor for 25 years till she died. I used to walk in a room and if I could see Bev across the room, I could sit and I could just sit down and go, "Whoa, I'm safe." There was an energy that came from her.

There are many people I've had the privilege to meet and know in these halls that have an energy where I just know I'm safe. You know, there's no difference between us. There's no facade.

I told you I went to school and studied death and dying. I had the opportunity and the privilege to be with many valiant souls and to watch them birth their soul. And um when you're working with people that are dying, there's no phony baloney.

No phony baloney. It's as genuine as can be. and a true alky that's coming in here.

It's as genuine as it can be because you're dying. And that's the way we have to be with each other. I don't know what happens with these facades that start to build up here.

For me, they started to build up because I didn't know I wanted to belong. I felt other than in Alcoholics Anonymous when I moved from California. I had five years of recovery and I moved to Maine.

When I got here, there wasn't a lot of Big Book. In fact, I was 98% of the time I was the oldest member sitting in the in the meetings and I only had five years of recovery. I started the first big book study in Brunswick, Maine because my sponsor told me that you're not in a popularity contest.

This is not whether anybody likes you or not. It's how you share your experience, strength, and hope and you're going to, you know, you know how to stay sober. Start a meeting.

And I did. And we started through the book. And I started to realize that as people got the book, they started to grow and there was more and more recovery.

There's a wonderful AA in Brunswick, Maine today. And uh I'm proud that I had a little share in that. I by all means did not do it, but I I did get to share and I have wonderful wonderful friends and some of them are here tonight and thanks for being here.

Um, what happened for me is that when I was about 18, 19 years sober, I realized I was more frightened than when I had come in. And the reason for that is is that I knew this book so well, I could keep you away from me. You came up and said something to me.

I could quote the page and the verse. I could tell you what tradition. I could tell you anything.

Just stay away from me. Do you think I did that on purpose? No, I didn't.

So, there's a there's a page in this book and it's page 52 and it talks about the bedments and it talks about there's eight things on there that you can ask. You can turn those statements into questions and some of them say things like this. Are you having trouble with personal relationships?

How's your emotional nature? You pray to misery and depression? How you doing?

can you make a living? And there's eight things there. And I remember the first time I heard that, I was doing pretty good.

And I said, "No, I'm fine." If you asked me that today, I'd probably say I'm It's been It's stick around. It gets better. And then it gets worse and then it gets better.

But I'm in one of those better things. And uh and so right now, I would probably say, "No, I'm really doing okay." But if you said to me, Mary the has God brought you as far as you can in regard to personal relationships immediately I would say I hope not. I hope he hasn't brought me as far as he can.

And if I went down through all one every single one of those statements I would say God I hope not. I hope my emotional nature pray all these usefulness all those things on that page 52. I hope he's going to do better.

And I thought to myself one day, I said, 'n now, why do I say I'm okay and two minutes later I tell you, I hope not. Well, I was 25 years sober and I was in a big book study and I remember I do a lot of them. And um I always ask God uh um a set aside prayer.

Most of you probably already know that. But to set aside everything I think and everything I think I know about you, God, about the book, about the steps, so I can have a new experience and have a open mind and an open heart and see the truth. And then I say thank you and I read the book.

And on page 53, they talk about the bridge of reason. And then they go on down through and they talk about the God of reason. And then they say reason a couple of more times on page 53.

And it's capitalized. And I was sitting in that meeting and I said,"Wh is this R capitalized on reason?" And I was having a fit about that. But what I had done in Alcoholics Anonymous is I created a God of reason.

I didn't even know it. I didn't wake up to do that. I didn't know I was frightened.

But you see, I'm a survivor and all of my defects of character are my survival tools and I know how to survive and don't hurt me. And I didn't have a God that was big enough to deal with a lot of things that were happening to me in recovery. I didn't have a pal.

And so I needed to be other esteemed instead of God esteemed. And what I had done is I had built a barrier in Alcoholics Anonymous and I didn't know it. And so gradually as I took my new conception of God as a pal and I started to take a look at the areas of my life where I said, "God, I hope not.

I hope he's going to bring me further. I hope he's going to do one more thing for me. And then I got to that page on page 129 where it says that he had struck something better than gold and that it was a limitless load that will pay dividends as long as I mine it for the rest of my life and insisting on giving the whole thing away.

See, this is limitless. Don't settle for what you got. Look for the have a dream because God wants to give it to you.

But I didn't think I deserved it. I just thought maybe I should just sober up. And I had been given so many gifts.

I didn't realize there was more to happen. I'm so grateful for this for myself because I would have missed a lot of things. A lot of things.

Some of you people out there that I know real well know I didn't go through a very happy time about whatever it was the last six to eight years. And what happened for me was is that there was a woman by the name of Ricky. Some of you people might have known Ricky.

Very special lady. She and I had about the same time. And we're looking at step three one day.

Again, pondering step three. And it says we made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand God. And she said to me, "Why do you think it says will instead of wills?

Why does it say will and lives? Why doesn't it say wills and lives? I mean, you know, here we are the dopes sitting there.

So, we finally came up with this one thing. I only have one will. It's self-willer riot, but I have had many, many lives within recovery.

I've been the single parent. I've been married. I've been divorced.

I've taken care of my mother. Um, uh, I've worked with, you know, I've been in jobs and now I'm retired. I have a new life.

I'm retired. What a ball this is. And, um, but I had I did inventory on it because I want to know what my morals were.

I didn't want to live according to my, um, parents morals. I want to know what my morals are. So about six to eight years ago, something happened to me that I had never experienced before in recovery.

And when I haven't experienced something before in recovery, then what happens for me is is I revert to type and I start to survive and I'll use any tool I can in order to be okay and I get fearful because if I in my inventories I realize that when I do my fourth column and I take a look at what I don't like about myself where I've been selfish dishonest, self-seeking, etc. those are my survival tools. Those are the things I do in any situation that I'm inventorying that I don't like about myself.

And why do I do them? It's because I'm coming from a fear base. I had to list my fears.

Anything on why I'm doing, it's because I'm coming from a fear place. And yet at the bottom of page 68, my pal says to me, "Hey, you're going to rely on me this time. So why don't you give me those fears and what and think about what I would have you be?

Not do, but be." I don't think my pal would have me be fearful. It had me be anything but that. And when I sat with that question long enough, I realized that that was what my moral was.

See, I'm doing a fearless moral inventory. I'm not doing a fearful garbage inventory. I want to know where my morals are and where I've gone against them.

And when I started to sit with my pal, my God, and my understanding, and say, "Why would you have me be here instead of fearful?" I came up with things like honest and trusting. Prudent is my new one. That's a good one.

And I realized when I looked at the things I didn't like about myself and my defects of character, they were completely opposite than what my God would have me be, what my morals were and how I was living. And that's within recovery, you know, because I had another life and I had to find out I had to have a spiritual awakening to have some conscious contact. So over the last eight or nine years, I went through some really rough areas in my life.

Um, my belief structure was literally smashed. Um, if it wasn't for Missy, um, I don't know how I would have gotten through this. We're best friends.

Thank God for that. I have some ingredients to know what a best friend does. So, I have even more on what my God's going to do.

And if it wasn't for her just walking beside me, she didn't have to take my pain. She just had to walk beside me shoulderto-shoulder to escape that disaster. And she did.

And out of that grew an amazing amazing relationship with my my God and my understanding. For the first time I started to see what it said in a fifth step. The only reason I was doing the fifth step was so that I could get a new attitude and develop a new relationship.

A new relationship with my creator and I needed one because the one I had at 24 years wasn't working. Now at 28 years it wasn't working at all. And so I developed this thing and as I went along with this I realized that I had to fit myself to be of maximum service to God and then you.

So I had to be a maximum service to my pal. It's the only thing these steps are doing is you're going to have a relationship with your creator. I used to say the third step prayer and I would say relieve me from the bondage of all I heard is relieve me.

I didn't know what I was saying. I had no idea what that prayer was. I didn't hear.

The reason was so that I could do my pal's job better and that I would demonstrate what my pal is doing, not what Mary the is doing. I mean, that would be ridiculous if you watched me. But what what is God doing with me?

How can he demonstrate through me? What is going to happen? And as this relationship has grown, it's been great.

It's been the most amazing thing that's happened to me. I'm here to tell you that don't stop. Just keep seeking this power.

And it says it in our book. It says as you draw draw closer to him, he will draw closer to you. I don't know how it's going to be revealed to you.

So stay awake and look because it happens every single day. Every single day there's meaning making moments that I know do not come from anything but this wonderful power. This loving God.

This loving God. We have to practice these principles in all our affairs. Took me a long time to really hear that.

I thought it said to practice these steps. It was principles. Principles to live by.

Principles are morals of values. And that's what we're here to do. Beth used to say to me, "Your drinking is not a moral issue, but your recovery is." So sometimes I look at the morals behind the steps.

And the first step talks about honesty and surrender. Where in my life am I not honest? Where am I not surrendering?

Because that's the area that I have to bring through the steps. I look to see where I'm open-minded, where I have hope and faith with my second step. If there if I don't have them, that's an area I can look at.

This isn't a big obstacle course. It's really an adventure when you do this. It's kind of fun.

The third step has to do with trust. It has to do with walking to the edge of my light. It's the faith that if I step off, I will find solid ground or I will be taught to fly.

My fourth step deals with courage and soularching because this is a soul sickness and we're here to we are here because our soul is sick and this God is helping me to grow and to heal this soul. My fifth step deals with integrity. Where am I not being having that that quality in my life is how I can look at that.

My sixth step deals with willingness and acceptance. My seventh step is humility. Humility is to acknowledge where I am right now today and still work towards what I think my pal wants me to be.

The eighth step deals with brotherly love, reflections, and willingness. The ninth step deals with justice, forgiveness. The 10th step with perseverance, vigilance and maintenance.

11th step, spirituality, making contact and attunement. And the 12th step deals with service. If I have the other values, I can do you service.

When I don't have the other values, I'm not doing anybody's service. Beverly said to me, "God first, then you, then the people around you, in order of their importance." That's what our Lord's Prayer says. Our Father, and then it deals with me, and then it deals with you.

Is it time? It's so hot in here. I think I could fall on the floor.

Lordy, lordy, lordy. I hope you haven't developed a got a reason. If you have, God's waiting on you.

I used to have the sponsi and she'd say I meditated today. I said I'm sure God was happy to hear from you. My God's always happy to hear from me.

My problem is sometimes I get so caught up in the worldly clamor that I forget. Recently I was doing um um we had 11 step this afternoon. I think I'm going to end with this.

There was a gentleman there that said something that I thought was very interesting. I'm going to steal this. I'm going to tell you a little bit about the 11th step for me.

The 11th step is comes from the Oxford group in a way. The Oxford group looked at the four absolutes. What they did is they asked God to direct their thinking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest, and self-seeking motives.

Now, that means we're supposed to be doing the same thing. So, every day I'm going to have self-pity, dishonest, and self-seeking motives. But if I ask God to direct my thinking and remove that, it goes on to say that my thought life will be placed on a higher plane.

Not my thinking but my thought life. So that means the thoughts that run through my head that I think about will be on a higher plane. Correct?

Well, the Oxford group said, "How do we know this?" And so this is what they did. And I stole this from them many years ago and I've been doing it for a long time. When I say that, I sit with a piece of paper and a pencil and I write the next thought that comes into my mind.

Now, the the um Oxford group um believed in the four absolutes. I'm sure most of you have heard about the four absolutes, but if you haven't, it's no big deal because we just do the opposite. See, we really are not that original.

But they dealt with um um unselfishness, honesty, purity and love. Now all we do in the 10th step is we we look for the four opposites of that. We look for selfishness.

They looked for unselfishness. We look for dishonesty. They looked for honesty.

We look for resentment. They looked for purity. We look for fear.

They looked for love. So, I was sitting there and um I write and when I'm done writing because they told me that once you ask this God who's right on board right that second, you don't have to wait any time. He's there.

Don't worry. Waiting. Hey, I'm here.

You know, but you have to invite him in. We have to ask for that and then something will happen. And so I would write and when I was done writing I would look to see if I wrote anything that had to do with selfishness, dishonesty, resentment or fear.

If I did, I knew it was wasn't from my higher power. All they did is look to see if it was the opposite. And then they knew their God was speaking to them.

I've done that for many years. And when I look and see what I've written after I've done that, you see, I'm improving my conscious contact with my pal. I got something.

Oh, I got a lot of things, but this is the one thing that I got. And it didn't have any of those negativity in it. This is what it said.

It said, Mary the pray to be present with the presence. And I pray that you all are present with your presence. I end with a same line and I always have.

Just to the extent you humbly rely upon God and do as you think God would have you do, will he enable you to match calamity with serenity. Thank you and God bless. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise.

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