Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. If you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-rise.com.

Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Well, uh, I guess we'll just hop right into it and get going with the meeting.

Um, the speaker of mine is a very dear friend. I love her to death. She's played a very big part of my sobriety in getting me sober, keeping me sober, keeping me in check spiritually, mentally, emotionally.

Um, and hey, she helps. But uh she is a very dear friend of mine. I love her dearly and it's such an honor and privilege to ask her to speak here tonight.

So I give you Eileen F from the Belleville Thursday night group. >> Hi everybody. I'm Eileen.

I'm an alcoholic. >> I don't think I was really nervous until everyone started asking me if I was really nervous. So, I don't know.

Um, but as my dear friend Tim reminded me, I'm talking about two things that I love dearly, and it's myself and Alcoholics Anonymous. So, I should be all right. Um, I'm supposed to tell you in a general way what it used to be like, what happened, and what it's like now.

So, I don't want to give you too much of a drunk log, but I do want to qualify myself. Um, start off by saying I absolutely love Alcoholics Anonymous. I cannot believe that I'm standing up here alive and sober.

Um, my last drink was November 24th, 2002. And uh, my home group is the Belleville Thursday night group. The best home group in the world.

Justin can attest to that. I think I'm supposed to say that, right? Um, so obviously I love Alcoholics Anonymous.

I'm going to miss my home group to be here to be with you guys tonight to to share um, my story. I arrived alcoholics anonymous at 17 and was pretty convinced that I didn't belong here. Um, I was the person that stood on the perimeters, especially at this group, stood in the back and didn't talk to anybody.

Didn't want anybody to talk to me. Um, but at the same time, I wanted somebody to sell me on the idea of Alcoholics Anonymous. I wanted somebody to really throw me a pitch that I couldn't turn down in order to to be sober.

And um you know, nobody really did that, but they did share their experience, strength, and hope with me. They did want me to reap the benefits of what they had as a result of staying sober and working the 12 steps. Um, I got here because like everybody else, I drank too much and too often, but I um started drinking at 11 and I was probably 20 lbs at least underweight.

I was pretty nerdy looking and uh I started hanging out with these people who started drinking six-packs on the weekends, you know, and our textbook talks about that the alcoholic life seems the only normal one. And to me that seemed perfectly normal that 11 years old we're going to start slamming six-packs on a Friday and Saturday night. And um I didn't know that really probably the only people that are doing that at 11 years old are probably in this room tonight or should be.

But um I I thought it was normal. I didn't think there was anything wrong with it. But I did know this that once I started drinking and hanging out with those people and the people who drank and um lit stuff on fire, I mean, we were just ridiculous.

But I was they thought I was really really funny when I drank and they wanted me around and uh I liked that. I mean, you know, some people talk about once they started drinking, they immediately knew, you know, I had this great feeling. I don't know about all that, but I know that people liked having me around because I told funny jokes and probably made a fool out of myself.

So, they wanted me to keep coming back. Eventually, as I continued to drink, that changed and no one wanted me around when I was drinking. But at that point in time, that's what I wanted.

Um, by the time I was 15, I was pretty much a daily drinker. So, lo and behold, that's the first time that I got in trouble with the law. Um, I learned a couple of things from my first arrest.

So, I'll share a few stories about this one because Clay loves it. And uh I was at a hotel party. Everyone was older than me, so I was the only one that was 15.

And uh the cops came in and my friend J.R. said, "They can't touch you. You're only 15.

Don't worry about a thing." You know, so I sat on the couch drinking beer. So the cops are in there. Everybody's lining up for breathalyzers.

And there's Eileen sitting there getting drunk. And uh yeah, it was awkward, but um so you know, every and the guy's like, "Well, why aren't you lining up?" I'm like, "I'm 15." I'm like, "Seriously?" And he's like, "Oh my god." I'm like, "Yeah, well." So I eventually get in line with everybody else and I go by the phone and I call my sister and say, you know, minor bump in the road. I'm getting arrested, I think.

Come pick me up at the jail. Well, for anyone who doesn't know this, you can't have a sister pick you up from the jail. If you're a minor and you get arrested, you need an adult.

You need your parental guardian. So, um, you know, I tried to have her come pick me up and they were like, "That's not going to work." So, as I'm standing in line, I asked the cop, you know, I heard that if you stick pennies in your mouth, you won't uh he won't blow dirty or whatever. And he's like, "Yeah." So, he reaches in his pocket and hands me a handful of pennies.

and I'm they're in my mouth and I'm sitting there like waiting to blow and it didn't work. Um he he got a pretty good kick out of that one. Um but I I thought this is a really cool cop, you know, whatever.

Uh yeah. So I the things that I learned from that arrest was I could drink a lot more than most of my friends and I blew one of the highest at at you know blood alcohol whatever at that party and from that point on most people knew who I was and I went back to school and everybody knew who Eileen was and my new nickname was MIP and I thought that was so cool you know like I'm like everybody knows who I am cuz at that point attention was attention and I didn't care if it was good or bad. I just wanted more of it and uh you know so people knew who I was.

My friend Chris that was there um was doing drugs that night and uh he didn't get arrested because when he blew he wasn't drunk. So the second thing that I picked up from that party was that I need to do a lot more of that and a lot less drinking. Um, you know, I've tried out of respect for Alcoholics Anonymous to leave drugs out of my story, but I found that it's just not my story.

So, if I offend you, I apologize. Um, and if you can't relate, um, just substitute it with alcohol. But for me, it didn't matter what it was.

I was going to try anything to get a buzz, to feel different, to try to make my insides mask my outsides because I still felt like that 11-year-old nerdy girl that was 20 lbs underweight. But when I was at a party and I was drunk and everyone thought I was cool and funny, you know, that's what I was striving for. So I that constant battle of trying to make my insides match my outside started when I started drinking.

And um so again, if it's just my story, you can take it or leave it. But um from that point on, I fell I fell in love with drugs and uh started selling weed and thinking that I was cool. You know, I thought I was the toughest girl on the block cuz I was the only one that was doing that.

And uh lo and behold, at 17, I was arrested for doing just that. It happened on my 17th birthday, the first day you're charged as an adult. Is it odd or is it God?

It was probably God. Uh, and uh, it was actually the night that one of my sponses first found out who I was at a at a dance. Um, didn't know her then, of course, but I got arrested at the school dance and uh, again, attention was attention.

So, I was thrilled about that. I got a great lawyer because my parents enabled me like crazy and they got a really great lawyer and they gave me probation. and they said, "If you can complete this probation, it'll be wiped from your record.

No one will ever know." Um, but the type of alcoholic that I am, I couldn't do it. You know, the big book talks about that we forget the pain and suffering. And at that point, I just wasn't hurting enough.

And uh, I want I wanted to not go to jail. I wanted to have a clean record. I wanted my parents to love me.

I didn't want them to change the locks anymore, you know? I wanted them to still let me drive their cars when I was getting drunk. So, I wanted to do the next right thing.

I just didn't know how. I didn't have the tools to do it. Um, and at that point in my life, I started changing external things.

And in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, uh, window of opportunity on 423, I love the way this person puts it. um that as I look back on this period in my life, I realize how true it is that one of the primary differences between alcoholics and non-alcoholics is that non-alcoholics change their behavior to meet their goals and alcoholics change their goals to meet their behavior. And at that point in my life, it was my goal to become a high school guidance counselor.

Yeah. Hard to believe with the lifestyle I was living, but that was my goal. That was what I wanted to do.

I wanted to help young kids that were troubled teens just like myself, but I didn't want to help myself. But but that's what I wanted out of life. I wanted to do that.

And instead, it became much more convenient to just not go to school and start drinking at 7:30 in the morning when my parents thought I was at school. And if I drank in a garage all day, that became a little bit more fun. So, changed my behavior.

I changed my goals to I'll take care of that eventually. I'm sure eventually once I get my stuff together. I'll go back to school and I'll be a high school guidance counselor and I'll do those things.

I I dropped all commitments that meant anything to me. I stopped playing all sports. I stopped doing anything that was worthwhile.

I stopped going to school. I dropped out of school, went to rehab because I came home from school high one day and my mom said, "What do you think about going to rehab?" And at this point, the guy that I had been dating had already been shipped away um you know, far far away in a foreign land because that, you know, his parents thought that would fix him. And um I thought, well, that seems like a great idea because clearly the people that I hang out with are crazy.

And you know, if they didn't drink every day, I probably wouldn't drink every day. And if they wouldn't keep giving me money for dope, I probably wouldn't keep selling it. So absolutely send me away to rehab.

And uh you know I went to rehab for 9 days and I manipulated everybody there and I ate lots of pizza and cottage cheese and that was about it. That was my extent at rehab. I didn't learn anything else.

I um you know I didn't really want to be there. But again I wanted people off my back. I wanted people to see that it was everything else in the world and it had nothing to do with me and I wasn't the one that needed changing.

Everybody else did. And then if they would let me just, you know, run my own life, then clearly I would turn out just fine. And running my own life shortly after rehab, um, I was crazier than I've ever been in my whole life because I did not have a solution for alcoholism and I didn't drink anymore.

So I just had me with this giant hole, this giant spiritual void with no solution for it. laying in bed every day wanting to die, thinking that I certainly did not need to go to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous that um I I could be fine. They told me to change, you know, playmates and playgrounds or some crazy I whatever.

And so I just didn't go anywhere. I just laid in bed all day wishing to die. And um if you're here tonight and you've stopped drinking and you haven't started working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, that's probably how you feel.

Cuz that's how I felt. And I'm here to tell you there's a solution in the book and with the people here that have already worked the 12 steps that you don't have to feel like that anymore. And I tell you, every time I go to a meeting and there's somebody brand new and somebody says to them, you don't have to feel this way anymore.

That is jackpot. Because my whole life I didn't want to feel the way that I felt. You know, we drink for the effect produced by alcohol.

The effect that alcohol produced for me at first was a lot of attention. I really like that. Then it produced other problems in my life, changing my behavior, changing my goals.

Um, nobody wanted me around after a while. I was the drunk at the party that was probably chasing me with a 2×4 because I got mean and nasty. And uh, yeah, I really did, you know, and it's like I didn't think that there was anything wrong with that.

So, my last um runin with alcohol was um after rehab, I decided that I could probably try some controlled drinking. And I started coming to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and not really paying attention, not doing any of the suggestions, but sort of kind of, you know, nodding my head. Oh, yeah.

That's great. Uh-huh. Yeah.

And um I didn't I didn't have a solution. I didn't have as it talks about on page 24. We are unable at certain times to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago.

We were without defense against the first drink. And it talks about later on that that defense must come from a higher power. I had no higher power.

So I had no defense. And when the idea of picking up a drink came into my head, I just drank. And my last arrest, um, I had about five charges against me.

I decided to assault the police officer that was arresting me. I was probably 90 lbs soaking wet. Um, you know, it it was just a mess.

And um, I was already on probation. There was already a warrant out for my arrest. So, I decided I'm just not going to go home ever again.

And I'm just going to go to jail. And I'm just not going to tell my parents. and then I'll get out of jail and then everything will be fine because then you see I'll want to change my life and um it didn't happen.

Um, my parents, thank God to the Monroe Evening News, found out that I was arrested and uh, you know, started trying calling my friends and trying to figure out where I was and um, you know, eventually came home and they yet again they got that lawyer for me and when I got there she said, "Do you think you have a problem with alcohol?" And I said, "Absolutely. I I know that for a fact." um started attending meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous after that point and you know tried to control drinking, tried to do everything other than work the 12 steps with a sponsor. None of those things worked for me.

So I got drunk again. I went uh my last drunk was again November 24th, 2002. I went to my boss's house trying to impress him.

Anybody who's ever talked to me before has probably heard this story a million times, but uh you know it's it's my story and I really thought that he was going to be impressed by me and you know I'm like no really I'm just going to have a couple of beers. Don't worry about it. And I drank all the liquor in his house.

I started with those couple of beers. Then I would hear people in Alcoholics Anonymous say if you don't pick up the first drink you won't get drunk. And I always thought that's so asinine.

Like what are you talking about? Yes, if I don't drink I'm not going to get drunk, but what are you talking about? It doesn't make any sense.

Well, it did that night because I picked up that first beer and I don't remember much after that. Um I remember after the second, no couple of beers, a fifth and a pint. I remember his neighbors um did drugs and I really wanted to go over there and get some drugs from him and I remember the look on his face.

He wasn't impressed. Um so I couldn't call off work the next day. Long story short, because he was my boss, he knew I wasn't sick.

He knew I just drank too much the night before. Um, so I went to work and all of those things that people in Alcoholics Anonymous had told me, um, started making sense to me, like the don't pick up the first drink and you won't get drunk. Um, and I started to really think, "Oh my god, I absolutely have this thing.

They're not lying to me anymore." I had the shakes the next day and I was thinking about how they were talking about it was progressive. I'd never had the shakes before. So being the desperate drunk that I was, that was on a Sunday.

I didn't go to a meeting until a Wednesday. Um because I'm an egotistical idiot and I didn't want to go. Um so I went to a meeting and I sat down and they started talking about relapse.

They started talking about how to avoid a relapse and I thought they're following me around. These people are so crazy. How did they know?

And you know, I thought I was really filling to get guys in on a big secret. When I said, "I drank again." They're like, "We know." You know, like, "You've been drunk." I'm like, "What? How'd you know that?" Um, and so this fine woman looked at me and she said, "Well, you're going to die.

That's the bottom line. If you're a real alcoholic, you're going to drink yourself to death. And you keep playing Russian roulette and you keep thinking that you're going to beat this game alone.

That's fine. But I'll go to your funeral because I'm going to stay sober because I have a sponsor and a home group and I work the 12 steps and I stay involved in Alcoholics Anonymous. So if you want what we have, you better do what we do cuz you're going to die.

And after I swore at her for about 10 minutes in my head, I thought she might be right. So, um, a couple days later, I asked her to be my sponsor and we started our journey in the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I became willing to go to any length to stay sober after my last drunk.

Um, I knew that she wasn't lying to me anymore. I knew that people here weren't lying to me about I was going to die from this disease. I knew that every day I woke up wanting to die, I did not think that there was a solution here to make me feel any better than I did, let alone as good as I feel today.

And her and I started working through the 12 steps. She told me on Friday when I asked her to be my sponsor, she said, "Well, you know, do you have a big book?" And I'm like, "Oh, yeah. I haven't read it, you know." And she said, "Well, start reading it.

We're going to go through the book together." her and I called her on Saturday and I said, "I read the first 164 pages. What next?" She's like, "What?" You know, and she's like, "You you read the whole big book?" And I'm like, "Yeah, I don't want to die. I I don't know what else to do, but I don't want to die." And she's like, "Okay, well, um, we'll start working the steps together." And I said the third step prayer that night.

Um because up until that point, I had no god in my life. I had no higher power. I had no understanding of a god.

I didn't grow up with that. But when I read the book and I had a willingness to go to any length and I knew that I was beaten into a state of reasonleness by alcoholism, I knew that if I drank again, I was going to die. When it told me on page 46, if I can find it, that much to our relief, we did not need to consider another's conception of God.

Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to affect a contact with him. And as soon as we admitted the possible existence of a creative intelligence, we uh I wasn't going to read the whole thing, but I guess it will. Uh possible of a creative intelligence, a spirit of the universe.

Understanding the totality of all things, we began to be possessed of a new sense of power and direction, provided we took other simple steps. and that we found that God does not make too hard a terms of those who seek him. And when I read that, I said, I don't have much of an understanding or a conception of God, but my own conception, however inadequate, was enough to make a beginning.

And I knew that there was a God and I wasn't it. And I really, really wanted to feel better. So, I just took that and I held on to it and I launched into my journey of the 12 steps.

And as I continued with each step, my understanding of him changed. My relationship with him changed. I have the same God today as I had when I first read we agnostics, but my understanding of him is a whole lot different.

My relationship with him is a whole lot more intimate today than I ever knew was possible. So my own conception, however limited it was, took me into step three. And I begged and begged and begged, I was a week sober, for God to relieve the obsession to drink because I still thought about it every day.

You know, if my problem was just the fact that I had an allergy to alcohol and that every time I went to drink like a lady, I got drunk like an idiot, you know, it'd probably be just pretty easy to just stop drinking. But my problem was that when I wasn't drinking like an idiot, I was thinking about drinking like a lady. It never really happened like that, but I was always thinking about it.

And that obsession ran my life. And I couldn't get rid of that obsession. And so that night, I begged God to relieve me of the bondage of self and to relieve me of the obsession to drink.

I didn't understand what the bondage of self was because yet again, I tried to get Alcoholics Anonymous by I don't know if anybody caught that, by just reading the book in my room alone without any help and then calling my sponsor, which isn't really the way to go about things. I found out later. Um, but I started on that and uh I I begged and begged and he did.

He came through. In Bill's story, it's one of my favorite points. Um, he talks about that he had a humble willingness to have him with me and he came.

And every single time that I have a humble willingness to have my higher power with me, he comes through every single time. And he came through that day and I haven't obsessed about drinking since. And that's a miracle.

I um I didn't even realize it until the next day when I was at a meeting and I sat down and I was like, "Oh my god, I haven't thought about drinking today. Can you guys believe it?" And they're like, "Yes." You know, like, "We told you that this stuff really does work." And um so I asked my sponsor to help me launch into a vigorous course of action and I started my inventory. And um I am so grateful for the fourep today.

You know, when I first got to it, I would always I'd sit down at tables and there would be some people that you know, ooh, fourth step, you're like 3 weeks sober, what are you doing? And I was like, I don't know, but I don't want to drink. And when somebody told me, if you don't do a fourth, you're sure to drink a fifth.

I was like, yeah, let's get started on this fourth step. Because I knew that every time I just came to meetings and just sat there and nodded and smiled and oh, great. Yeah, that's wonderful.

I drank and I didn't want to drink again. So, I started on a fourep. I've done several since.

And each time that I've done a fourep, I've found out that I'm unraveling a new phase of my development. And I learn more about myself. I learn more about why did I do the things that I do?

Why did I have the same broken relationships in my life just with different people? You know, the same exact situations, just a different name in a face my whole life, you know, whether I was trying to play the victim or trying to be the bully, it didn't matter. It was all the same underlying issues is that I didn't feel good enough about me and I wanted you to not feel good about you.

And since doing the the first couple that I did, I was just so grateful not to be drunk. And that's the underlying issue is that I don't want to drink again. And everything that I do always results back to I don't want to pick up a drink today.

But as I've gone through and I've learned more, I mean, I just recently did a fourep because I've had some significant changes in my life and I learned so much each time and it's I can't even tell you the gratitude that I have for that because I don't want to live my life sober and alcoholics anonymous acting like a drunk because I did that. I tried to do that. Um, and it doesn't work.

It's not a right fit for me and it's not a right fit for most alcoholics, but I had to try it and feel the pain in order I wanted before I wanted to change. And um when I did a fist up with a sponsor that I have now, who I believe is my God-chosen sponsor, um it was a miraculous feeling immediately after I did my fifth step. I she was the first person that I heard probably not the first person to say it, but the first person that I actually heard talk about me not being any different than anybody else in Alcoholics Anonymous cuz I was pretty convinced that I was.

I got her about a year and a half sober. I still thought I was pretty different than everybody else here because I'm 18. Come on.

I'm so different than everybody else, you know? Um, I just I was always hanging on to something just to be different. Just so I could say, "Well, you don't really know how it feels to be me.

You don't really know how it feels when I lay in bed at night and I'm miserable and you never will, so don't try to act like you know." And I kept keep trying to keep people arms length away from me. And she just lovingly but very sternly was just like, "No, hun. You're not any different than anybody else here.

Welcome to the human race. you're an alcoholic. This is it.

This is what we do. So, I had a choice at that point. We're standing at the turning point.

I can go on with my life keeping everybody an arm length away from me or I can try to move forward with close relationships. And my friend Jim in Flat Rock talks about that if I try to keep people out of my life and I try to close off those feelings of hurt that cuz if I let you in, you just might hurt me. You might not like me.

You might think that my jokes are really really stupid and not laugh ever. It's like, well, that's a good possibility. and then I, you know, then I'll be hurt by that.

But if I keep that out, then I don't get any of the good either. It's a light switch. I don't get to pick and choose.

And he always uses that um analogy that it's like a light switch. It's either on or off. I either feel feelings or I don't.

And today, feeling the feelings is so much better than not feeling the feelings. Um so when I did that fifth step um with my sponsor who is here in spirit um and pocketed my pride and went to it. The fifth step promises that says once have taken the step withholding nothing we're delighted.

We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us.

We begin to feel the nearness of our creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but we now begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling of the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly.

We feel we are on the broad highway walking handinhand with the spirit of the universe. And I I felt that way. Um Johnny talks about feeling like it's a fatty feeling high, right?

you feel this overwhelming absence of guilt. You know, I'm getting rid of all the stuff that's blocked me from God. And when I let go of that, the spirit of the universe flows in.

And that might sound hocus pocus to a lot of you here, cuz it sounded really freaking hocus pocus to me. For a lot of years, I was not interested in hearing any of this stuff. Um, but it makes sense today because I feel it.

And so if you just keep coming back and you just keep doing what your sponsor suggests of you to do, even if it sounds really, really crazy, even if it seems like the dumbest thing you've ever heard of, there's usually a reason behind it because they've been there and they've tried it and these things happen. I mean, when my and this is in regards to when I tried to do a fistep and hold something back from my sponsor, I didn't reap any of these promises. And that's usually how I know that there's something else there that I need to let out.

And when I tried to do that and not tell my sponsor that I was stealing from a coworker at 2 years sober, I didn't feel the nearness of my creator at all. And I felt really, really horrible about myself. And I kept trying to deny it cuz I thought it had nothing to do with that money.

Of course it doesn't. So, I just won't tell anybody about it cuz I know I'm not supposed to do it anyway. So, um and lucky for me, I didn't drink, but I felt really really miserable and I was resting on my laurels and um and until I let that out, I knew I wasn't going to be happy.

And I was the type of drunk that said, "Just deny it till you die. Don't tell anybody anything." You know, it's me against the world. Whatever.

whatever. And I couldn't I couldn't live in this world like that. Um the 12 and 12 talks about the 12 steps make us happy and usefully whole.

And until I had wholeheartedly did the 12 steps, I couldn't be happy and usefully whole. And I always still felt a void in there. And um you know I'm happy to say that today I'm brutally honest with my sponsor.

I'm brutally honest with people in my life. You know I can call Jennifer and say I feel really hurt and really vulnerable right now and this is what's going on and throw it up at her and just be honest about it instead of not talking about it and then letting allowing myself to still feel terminally unique from everybody else here. Then if I just let it out then God has a way in.

that I got to let it out first. So, each inventory that I've done um has just been absolutely incredible. And as I've continued on, when I honestly admit um and see the exact nature of my wrongs with the sponsor, I'm pretty willing to move forward with six and seven.

I'm pretty willing to have God remove all these defects of character. And staying in that point of humility and that point of willingness is the struggle for an alcoholic because on a daily basis. I can if I'm not spiritually fit forget again cuz it's not just in regards to drinking.

I forget what it feels like to lie to my sponsor. And anybody who's lied to their sponsor and felt guilty about it knows what that's like cuz I know I did. I hated lying to my sponsor.

I hated the way I felt about it. Once I came clean, I felt so much better. But if I didn't keep being honest with my sponsor and if I didn't stay spiritually fit, it might sound like a good idea to lie to her again and wonder if I can deal with the repercussions of lying to people and not letting people into my life.

And today, I can't. Um, I continued on with doing um amends. I've had some amends go really well.

I've had some amends go pretty poorly. But at the end of the day, my side of the street was cleaned up and uh I was able to have relationships with people again. The 12 and 12 goes through making and doing another inventory in our eightstep of all the relationships that we've had in our life and again trying to figure out where did I go wrong and what can I do better as I have a relationships in the future.

And my relationships today mean the absolute world to me. I have some of the best friends in the whole world. It's absolutely unbelievable.

I've met pretty much every single one of them here in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. Um I have a relationship with my family. That's absolutely incredible.

I was the drunk that beat my mom and called the cops on her for domestic violence. I was the drunk that stole thousands and thousands of dollars from my parents in order to get drugs and alcohol. Today, they don't want me to leave their house when I come over.

That didn't happen before working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, I have I knew it was going to happen. So, if you don't like watching people cry, I'm sorry.

Uh I apologize. I'll promptly admit it. Um, I have a niece and a nephew in my life today that have never seen me drunk.

And I remember I wish Andy was here cuz I remember calling him the day that my sister had her baby and just screaming into the phone, I'm an ant. I'm an aunt. Oh my god, I can't believe it.

That little boy has taught me so much about love. I did not know anything about unconditional love until I came here, until I started receiving it from you people. And then watching this boy at my house be absolute terror all day.

Want to play with everything you shouldn't be playing with, you know, just and then not sleeping at night cuz I would just watch him lay in bed and sleep. And that feeling of overwhelming I could not love this kid any more than I do. You know, I didn't have that.

I didn't love anybody. I didn't love myself. I didn't love you.

I hated the world when I got here. And the fact that I can sit there and watch a two-year-old and he was two at the time. And I just remember it was like 2:00 in the morning.

I just I didn't sleep. I just sat there all night and watched him and was like, he's so perfect and he's so wonderful. And then I was like, you know, in my head, you know, my disease is like, are you kidding me?

He just ran through everything in your house. Like literally, he's playing with, you know, and it was just like he was so it was so incredible. And my higher power talks to me and I um you know, some people again the hocus pocus stuff.

I I used to think people were crazy when they said, "God said to me, I'm like, what are you talking about?" But God does talk to me and he I was watching him and I was like, "Wow, you know, this isn't even my kid." And I just am just head over heels just loving on this boy. And he wasn't even my kid. And I thought, "Well, I can't imagine how much my parents love me that they would watch me do all the things that I did to them, hurt them in all the ways that I hurt them, yell and scream at them to just stay out of my life.

You don't understand me. leave me alone. I'm absolutely fine.

Everything's perfect here. Can't you see? Um and that the fact that they still loved me through all of it.

They didn't like me a whole lot, but they loved me. And my higher power spoke to me at that point and made me realize that I will never understand how much he loves me. And I didn't ever even want to think about how much God loves me.

Okay? Didn't ever want to think about that in that moment. I was so overwhelmed and I hit my knees and I prayed for hours that I wanted to stay in that position of just being so humble that all I wanted was for my higher power to wrap his arms around me and keep me protected as I stayed sober and walked through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and he has ever since and he did before that I just didn't understand it until that point.

So, the fact that, you know, these two kids have taught me so much about love that I didn't I didn't think that was possible. And they've never seen me drunk and my sisters leave me with them. You know, they want me to watch their kids and they didn't leave me with a pair of shoes before I got sober cuz I was going to steal them.

You know, it's incredible. And when people told me when I first got sober, make a list of all the things that you could ever want out of Alcoholics Anonymous, that would have never made my list. That would have never made it.

I just didn't want to get drunk and go to jail anymore. That was my list. Please have my parents leave me alone.

I don't want to go to jail again. I don't want to report on Tuesdays anymore. Oh my god.

You know, like that's what I wanted out of Alcoholics Anonymous. Nothing else. I had no idea um that it could ever be this good.

um in 10 11 12 I've continue continue you know uh the book talks about we're you know we alcoholics are undisiplined that's such an understatement and you know I have to let God discipline me in the way that's outlined in the text and when I've tried in my life to not do that is usually when I'm lying to my sponsor it's usually when I have to go back and do another inventory and clean out all the stuff and eat a big bite of humble pie. And I had to do that recently. You know, my sponsor had advised me not to make a decision that I made anyway.

And uh I thought, you don't understand this. This is a really good decision. Like it's going to be great.

It's going to be bliss. You know, I decided I wanted to play house and um she told me not to do it and I did it anyway and it blew up in my face. And when I went back to her and said, "You were right.

Oh my god." She just sat there and cried with me. She didn't say, "I know." You know, she might have thought it, but she didn't say it. You know, I've been on the other side of that when a sponsy comes to you after they do something you tell them not to do and then you're like, but she had, you know, she's been sober long enough in Alcoholics Anonymous and has enough humility that she just sat there and cried with me and said, "It's going to be okay if you don't pick up a drink.

It's going to be okay." And I forget I get caught up in the hustle and bustle of everyday life that I forget that everything's going to be okay if I don't pick up a drink. You know, I whatever. I can't just look at Jennifer and now I'm about to cry again.

Um so when I started doing um a step study with um some of the old-timer women in Belleville, we would get together on Tuesdays and we started doing a step study and we did the 11st step. Um when I was at that point in my sobriety that I was talking about that I was two years sober and I was lying to my sponsor cuz I stole a gift card was $100. I mean like really $100 gift card.

Give me a break. That was, you know, that was good enough for me to steal and, you know, run the risk of getting drunk over. But, you know, that's that's what I did because I really felt that I deserved it.

I we had a contest at work. I really should have won that stupid contest. This girl won it.

So, whatever. I'm taking our gift card. It's just ridiculous alcoholic stuff.

I mean, it's just ridiculous. But I really believe that crap because I didn't share it with another alcoholic. If I would have shared it with another alcoholic, we probably would have laughed like we just did now.

And we would have been like, "That's a really stupid idea." And then it would have all been over with. But no, instead, you know, I left it up here and the squirrel cage starts going and it's like, "You're damn right you deserve that. Why would she deserve that?

She doesn't work as hard as you. Nobody here works as hard as you." That's what my disease does. It takes negative ideas and it just runs with it.

So, um, I was at that point in my sobriety where my disease was so loud and, uh, if you're new and that freaks you out, it freaked me out, too. I would think, why would people ever come somewhere and talk about voices in their head? Seriously, get a straight jacket.

I thought, why do people say, but I knew that I belonged here? Because there was I wasn't going anywhere else. There were two people talking about voices in their head, you know what I mean?

And people were nodding AND SMILING AND YEAH, that's great. You know, whatever. So, my disease was really loud.

I digress. My disease was really loud. And this wonderful woman, Barb Mitchell, looked at me and she said, I didn't say anything about anything, but everybody knew.

You know, when people are hurting, you can see it in their eyes. And, you know, we try to act like we're not. And she was just a wonderful example of God's grace and love.

and she told me a story about a guy who had 20 25 years sober, I can't really remember. And he went back out and since he had went back out, he couldn't acquire any clean time at all. He couldn't stay sober at all.

And she said, "I have to believe it's because he didn't have a relationship with his higher power and he didn't do his 11th step. I have to believe that if he had a relationship with God that worked, he wouldn't have drank again. And at that point in my life, my higher power was still the big guy in the sky.

He was out here. He was like everybody else in my life and arms length away from me. And she said that and I hard to believe I started crying.

Um, I started crying really hard and I was like, I I don't want to be that person. I don't want to just come to Alcoholics Anonymous and just be dry. Maybe get my life together a little bit because I'm not in jail, but I want to really feel good about myself.

And I, you know, I prayed that night that God would go from way out here, someone that I didn't understand and fill that void in my heart. And as it says in the book, you know, I humbly ask and he shows up. And he showed up that day and he showed up in a big way.

And um, you know, the text talks about that deep inside of every man, woman, and child is the fundamental idea of God. And that's where God needed to be in order to save me from myself. That's just my experience.

That my higher power needed to be right here in order for me to feel good about me on a daily basis, for me not to lie to people, for me to treat people right, for me to go to work, for me to go to school, for me to whatever. That's where my higher power needed to be. And since that day, that's where he's been.

And um you know, like I said, it's it's the same God that I had when I got here. But my relationship with his with him has changed. My understanding has changed and it's it's been an absolutely incredible journey.

Um bringing me to the 12step, you know. Um I try to practice these principles in all my affairs. Um, I recently I've had um, you know, some pretty incredible situations come up where people have come to me or called me and said, "Wow, you're a really great example of a woman with faith." I'm like, "Me?" You know, because I and not that I hold on to my past to beat myself up with it, but I still think about what a nasty drunk I was.

and that as a result of having a relationship with a higher power of my understanding that I can change and be a woman and an example of faith for somebody. That's incredible. You know, that doesn't happen.

Most drunks are across the street in the graveyard, not here being an example for anybody. And it's those moments that I am just so incredibly grateful to the men and women who have come before me and have been so kind, loving, and gentle, showing me the way and being examples of faith for me. Because when my faith is low, I got to grab onto somebody else's.

And sometimes it's somebody with a lot of years of sobriety. Sometimes it's the newcomer that just walked in the door that has 90 days sober that is just delighted to be alive, you know. Or 4 month sobriety today.

Um, so, you know, I've sponsored a lot of people since I've been sober. Um, I've got a handful of people that I'm sponsoring right now. I should clarify women.

I don't sponsor any men. Um, if my sponsor said I can't, um, you know, and I've had some cuss me out, call me from rehab, screaming at me, telling me that I'm a self-righteous whatever. Um, I've had some people cry to me and tell me that they love me.

I've been on both, you know, opposite ends of the spectrum. I've had some people stay sober for two and a half years, a miracle. I've had some people not been able to stay sober for a week at a time.

Through all of it, I've stayed sober and I've had a better relationship with my higher power after each and every one. when I first when I went on my very first 12step call, um we went to the hospital and uh she cussed me out bad. She didn't like me.

I was glad I was there cuz I hadn't been sober very long and she was screaming and yelling at me and um you know it was me and a gentleman that went and you after she got done swearing at me I gave her a minute and I walked away and I prayed and went to come back and as I was walking away I walked by the room that like padded I don't even know what that room is. I don't know, but thank God I've never been in it. But there was one of my using friends in there and she came up to the door and she starts banging on the door and she's screaming at me, Eileen, get me out of here.

Blah blah blah. She had been in jail and what did they Well, I don't it doesn't matter what they call it, whatever they make in jail to get drunk off of. She'd made it and she was What is it?

>> All right. So, I knew somebody would know here. So, she had made that and uh was really really wasted.

And I walked away and I went and I'm talking to this guy. I'm like, "Well, when we're done with her, we got to get in this room because she's in there and she's drunk." And he just said, "But for the grace of God, there go I." And he walked away. And I'm like, "Excuse me, you heartless, you know, whatever.

It's no, you don't understand. We need to be in there." And he's like, "Uh, but for the grace of God, there." And that didn't make sense to me until I stayed sober a little bit longer and I wasn't on that high where I wanted to shove AA down people's throats. I went through that.

I was that annoying newcomer that carried my book to meetings every day. I still am that annoying person that carries my book to meetings every day, but irregardless. um you know that would be sober not very long and would try to you don't understand on page 25 it says this and oh I was so annoying.

Uh but as I've stayed sober I've backed off a tiny bit maybe in that respect of carrying the message. Um I I've tried to carry the message and carry the alcoholic. I've tried to do a lot of things that didn't work.

But Clay um shared at open talk one time about, you know, we lay the set of spiritual tools at the newcomer's feet. And at that point in time, I was sponsoring a young lady who I would leave the tools at her feet and then she wouldn't pick them up. So I'd pick them up and try to put them in her hands and say, "But don't you see if you do this, you'll feel better." She wasn't interested.

So I'd put them down. Then I tried to give them to her again and it was like I lay them at their feet, you know, that it that's all that's required of me is to lay them at their feet. And when Clay said that, I was like, "Oh, yeah." You know, I can't work somebody else's program for them.

I've had sponsies where I've tried to work harder at their recovery for them and it just doesn't work. So, you know, the funny thing is, I don't want this to sound egotistical. It probably does, but you guys will forgive me.

Billy said it's okay. Um, a lot of people come to me and ask me how how did you do it? Oh my god, like you you know, you seem really happy all the time.

And they're really interested in how I did it, but they're not really interested in doing what I did. And uh that sucks because it is it's hard work at times, you know, and there's times that I I don't always want to do it, but the benefits of doing it are so much better than not. And I didn't know it until I just did it, you know, when somebody told me just do it afraid, just do the work, you know, and and that's when life started changing for me.

I couldn't think my way into right living. I had to live my way into right thinking. Last thing that I'll share before I shut up is uh the theme of our convention for Mickey Paw, which is if you're not involved, I don't think we said an announcement.

Michigan Convention of Young People and Alcoholics Anonymous will be hosted this year at the Crown Plaza in Romulus. If you'd like to register, you can see me after the meeting. I am the registration chair.

It's $10 until June 1st. Um, that was a pretty good sales pitch. I know you guys liked it.

Um, the theme of our convention is life will take on new meaning. And that's from the second paragraph and working with others in chapter 7. And at the at the meetings, Stephanie read them tonight.

The promises after the the ninth step amends are incredible promises. But there are so many more promises in this book after each and every step that we um can have if we if we choose to do the work. It says life will take on a new meaning.

To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow about you, to have a host of friends. This is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it.

Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives. And this is the absolute bright spot of my life. You know, Alcoholics Anonymous gave me a life worth living, but it's my responsibility to lost my train of thought.

It's my responsibility to ensure that I'm making my life worth living on a daily basis. You know, just as I have to do for my sponsies, my sponsor can only lay the spiritual tools at my feet. I have to pick them up and I have to use them.

And I have to continue to come to meetings to share my experience with people, even if they don't want to listen to me for an hour, and talk about what happened and what it's like and what it's like now, because I didn't know it could get this good. And this is an experience you must not miss. It's absolutely incredible.

If you're on the edge and you're not sure that Alcoholics Anonymous is for you, you know, my sponsor always says, "Try us on for size. Your misery is refunded at the door if you want it. But it doesn't have to be that way.

And even if you think it's hocus pocus, even if you're not sure that it's going to work, just hold on to somebody else's face and just check it out because that was my plan. I just going to hang out here for a little while till I got my stuff together. I never got my stuff together until I started doing the work.

Since then, I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, 17, borderline homeless. The locks were changed a few times. I found a way to break in every time, though.

Um, high school dropout. uh couldn't hold a job and today I have been in the same job for over 5 years. I'm actually leaving it.

I'm starting a new one in 3 weeks, which is incredible cuz we were talking about it at dinner. Alcoholic fear will tell me you're not going to be good enough. Don't start a new job.

You know, all this crap, you know, I'm starting a new job. I'm launching into a career. I am five classes away from having a bachelor's degree at a university.

And I couldn't do that drunk. I'd be across the street with the rest of them. You know, as a result of the 12 steps, my parents didn't have to bury their teenage daughter.

And that's pretty incredible. So, if you want to live more than you want to get drunk, grab on to somebody after the meeting and uh do the work. I'm really, really grateful to be here.

Thanks for letting me share. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.

Until next time, have a great day.