Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. If you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-rise.com.

Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Well, yeah, let's start with that hug.

Sure. Sounds good. Thanks for coming.

>> Yeah, you're welcome. >> Okay, I'm not sure I want to hang on to this. >> No.

>> No. Anyway, uh, >> welcome. My name's Pat and I'm an alcoholic.

H >> uh I didn't prepare for this uh speech or this talk and uh I said some prayers and that's all I do with anything I do in 12step recovery is I say a prayer. I don't uh I don't say rosaries and I don't go to church 50 times. So, I say a prayer and and and it usually happens pretty good.

Um, I uh I'm also an adult child of an alcoholic and uh I've I felt inadequate all my life and I I really uh that was apparent tonight uh listening to Richard. He he had an excellent talk. He's uh he's worked on his stuff.

He knows his program. U you know, so all the time I listen to him, I'm just thinking, "Holy I feel inadequate." You know, yeah, I'm totally inadequate. And uh I know I'm at AA meetings and I listen to so many people talk and I think, "God, I wish I could talk like them." and uh and the present sponsor I've had now for 7 years.

I just give anything to be able to talk like him. And uh but I can't I can just talk like me. So uh here we go.

Uh my my daddy died an alcoholic and uh and uh he never ever admitted he was an alcoholic. And uh and uh you know there's been talk today about uh grandpa and uncles and like they they say you shake a family tree and at least one drunk will fall out of it. Like you can shake our family tree on either side and and there won't be any drunk there won't be any sober people fall out, you know.

And if they were sober, they were really sick spouses, you know, like we've heard about that and the adult children and uh Alanons and they all they all had this disease and uh you know, I've I have I have all them effects also. I'm an adult child. I'm a spouse of an alcoholic.

I'm a child of an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic. Uh what else is there?

Uh uh yeah down in California they've got Alat for for the little toddlers. They got Alat. I could have gone to Alat, you know.

Alawat what else is there? You know but uh anyway all I did was uh I I experienced my first high on alcohol when I was 4 years old. And I can remember that day as clearly as I got out of bed this morning.

I got high on alcohol and uh mom and dad were there and the family and grandpa and they thought I was just the funniest guy in the room and uh I I was stepping up into this trailer and I I went right back flat on my back and everybody just came to the door and know what's matter with that, you know. Well, I was drunk and then they thought that was all funny and I got into the living room and they were just laughing at me like crazy and I was just really enjoying it. I was getting all this attention and so I remembered that and uh and every time I drank after that and it was often you know little boy like like by the time I was six me and my older brother were making wine together you know we'd steal fruit off my Why are you laughing?

You're recognizing this, aren't you? Anyway, we we'd steal a jar of of uh you know, canned berries and about a week or two later, we'd steal another jar and eventually we'd get four jars. That makes a gallon, get some yeast, cook off a gallon of wine.

Yeah. That's when I was six and he was 11. And we were constantly stealing booze from dad and, you know, getting drunk every chance we could.

and every family do was a was a a bash. So he stole booze and you know anyway uh had all these adult child issues and uh you know childhood and alcoholic issues and just the insanity in that home was just like it was just like it was a 24-hour day, 7 days a week insanity. Uh they talked about that spouse.

I can remember when I was like four or five years old. I'd see mom and I'd think, "Mom, keep your goddamn mouth shut." I'd think that, you know, dad would be out drunk and he'd come home and he wanted to pass out and she wouldn't stop nattering at him until he blew. And then once he blew, we lived in hell for the next 15 hours, >> you know.

And I'd think, why did she keep her mouth shut? But she had this. She actually I asked her a couple years ago.

Why'd you do that? Well, I don't know. She said that's what my mom did.

That's what her mom did. Yeah. So, so where else do we learn, eh?

Yeah. And it is it's just a bloody big joke if you live through it. Lots of people don't.

Lots of people don't. Anyway, uh anyway, growing up in that home, I uh I uh I didn't trust anybody. I I didn't trust anybody.

Uh one one time I expressed some anger at my father and uh and he gave me a left hand across the face. Said, "You ever talk to me like that again, I'll knock you." used a bunch of foreign language in there and he said, "Head off. I'm going to knock my effing head off." Holy man, he knocks my head off.

I'm going to be dead, you know. So, I knock I walked around on eggshells for the next 13 years, not not to piss this guy off. He's going to knock my head off, you know.

So, you walk around on eggshells trying not to scare or get this guy mad and uh you know, watch watch that mom doing all this crazy stuff. I've been I've been trying to remember the last couple of weeks when I quit trusting my mom, but it was very young. I didn't trust her either.

I didn't trust dad and I didn't trust mom and my siblings. You know, the craziness that mom and dad were doing wasn't getting dealt with. So the the kids were doing it, you know, and uh I didn't trust my only sister and I didn't trust most of my brothers.

There was only one brother I I grew some trust in and he abused me severely, you know, but it was like it was like it was like the only person in that crazy home to hang on to was that one brother. And uh yeah, he abused me in many ways. cuz I didn't find that out till years later.

And uh one way he got me smoking cigarettes when I was 6 years old and now I'm 50 and I'm still smoking, you know, and I've quit 25 times since I've quit about 20 times in the last 25 years, but I'm still smoking today. Uh, you know, and about a couple weeks after him and his friend got me smoking at age six, the older boy was like about 13 or 14. He took me out in the bush and sexually abused me.

Now, that laid the blueprint for my sexuality for the rest of my life, basically. Yeah. And uh, yeah, it was just on and on.

crazy crazy people, you know, doing crazy things to little kids and just crazy results. The crazy results were uh when I was 10, I heard I heard quite a few people talk about age 10. A lot of stuff happens at pe little boys or girls at age 10.

And uh at age 10 uh this this only brother in that family of eight people, that only brother that I I felt like I could trust and I could hang on to and be with. He told me to get lost one day. Just get lost.

Like piss off your little one. He was going with older boys by that time. He was 15, I was 10, and he was going with 18-year-old boys, and they were going to go in the convertible and chase girls, and they didn't want me along.

I was just a little rutt. And uh Oh, man. I went into a I went into a really negative spot.

And I didn't know, I didn't find out until I was like 45 years old. But I wanted to die that day. I really wanted to die.

And instead of dying, uh the disease of alcoholism took full control of me. Yeah, I was living to drink after that and uh my life got really crazy and uh I was living to drink 10 years old. A lot of people uh I I've run into lots of a members that didn't didn't get high on alcohol till they were 18.

Well, I got high when I was four and and alcoholism took full control of me when I was 10. I was living to drink after I was 10. So, uh, so my drinking thing got really crazy.

Lots of happened. Uh, I was convinced. I was convinced I was going to be dead before I was 20.

I told myself I'm going to be dead before I'm 20. And I went from uh I went from a 94 average in school and uh in the summer of uh 1960 I think it was I told myself I was going to be dead for a swing and that next year I didn't pass an exam and and I I just failed and failed and failed after that cuz I I didn't think I was going to I wasn't going to live. I was going to dead before I was 20.

So why why apply myself to anything, right? and uh yeah, living to drink. Uh by the time I was uh 13, I was bomb drunk at least twice a week.

Uh by the time I was 15, I was bomb drunk three or four times a week. When I joined the workforce, I was bomb drunk 7 days a week. I live to drink and I was going to do her good because I only had a few years left to live.

I'm going to party. I'm going to rip her up because I'm not going to be here long. Oh And here here it is now 60 years later and I'm still here.

Not quite, but anyway. It's been hard to create a a life and a future and a uh a package and uh you know all that stuff because I thought I was dying all the time. So So nothing ever got accumulated.

Anyway, uh yeah, I had a very very crazy life. And uh uh you know, when you when you start smoking when you're this big, like they don't come to you every week with your allowance and say, "Here's here's tobacco." They say, "Uh now, here's your allowance." Well, that's not enough to buy tobacco, so you learn to steal. And so I I learned to be a thief.

And uh as as the as the the addiction to smoke grew and the addiction to drink more booze grew, I learned to become a better thief. Yeah. And uh so by the time I got to be 17 and I had to be drunk every day to cope with this crazy life I was living and smoke two or three packs of cigarettes, I had to steal lots and I had to work lots.

I found out you could work and get paid money and you could buy all this stuff. So, I uh by the time I joined the workforce, I got into a trade, but I still couldn't make enough money to drink the way I needed to drink. So, I got a part-time job and worked 12, 14, 16, sometimes 18 hours a day.

So, I could afford to drink the way I wanted to drink or needed to drink. And uh and found that I still didn't have enough didn't have enough money. So, I uh you know, I stole from my uh my niece's piggy bank.

I stole from my brother-in-law's business. You know, it's just like nothing meant nothing. I had a drink, you know.

God, it makes it it made me sick years later to to look at all this. But it's what I had to do, I guess. Very self-centered.

I didn't think about nobody other than me. and avoid everything I guess. Anyway, uh uh that uh that age 20 kind of came along and holy I wasn't dead yet.

I was I thought I was going to live a little longer, but not much longer cuz uh the pain was welling up in me. I carried that pain around all the time and and uh my life was totally insane. Uh I was I was definitely afraid to go to a doctor.

I didn't go to a doctor till I was 32 years old and I went through lots of disease and didn't deal with it. And uh anyway uh I can remember one morning I woke up I woke up in a puddle of puke. I think I heard some puddles of puke puck around here today.

But I woke up in a puddle of puke on my kitchen floor age 19 and I I I can't take any more of this. And uh I was living in Edmonton and I looked up in the Edmonton phone book for a for a clinic, see if I could go to a clinic and talk to a doctor and, you know, get some help of some kind. I was just like I was drunk every day.

I was sick of it. And uh so I found a clinic and it looked like it was near where I live. So I jumped in the car and went over there and the damn door was locked.

They were closed on Saturdays. So 13 years later, I went to another clinic. Yeah.

Yeah. It is just a big joke really. That's what it all is.

You know that I'm standing here still alive, saint, sober, and straight. It it is it's a miracle and it's a joke and whatever. But I'll tell you, there's lots of places in in that time where I could have killed myself or or somebody else or uh you know, lots of low low places.

Anyway, uh yeah, I got into drugs when I was 19 and then I was drunk and stoned. And uh and for the alcoholic, you can get pretty messed up on booze, but add a little drug to it. I'll tell you, it's like 10 times crazier.

And uh I've run into lots of people that lots of guys my age that that turned on to that same drug scene, but then they they found that if they mixed the two, everything got too crazy. So they quit one. And most of them quit quit alcohol because they they enjoyed the experience of the drug in a pot or whatever.

But not me. I did it all. Had it did it all and overdid it all and uh everything just got magnified and uh and uh etc., etc.

Anyway, uh you know, I'm uh I'm positive I'm dying. I'm in big business. I'm signing on the dotted line.

You know, I signed my name on lots of dotted lines. Always thinking, well, I'm dying anyway. Uh, you know, don't matter.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Hundreds of thousands of dollars sign here. You know, somebody will get somebody will benefit by it, you know. And uh, man, I got into lots of jackpots.

And, uh, you know, I just I didn't have a clue about nothing in life. I was just like, uh, a brother was going that way, so I'd go that way. or, you know, somebody was doing this, well, I do that, you know, like it's just like I didn't have a brain of my own.

I just I just I was a follower, I guess. And I I I walked into lots of traps and, you know, got set up for lots of things that I paid for for many years. And but anyway, through all that pain and anguish and suffering, uh, it brought out this guy.

This is what I ended up. And I'm I'm pretty happy with who I am today. And I had lots of lots of fun along the way.

Met this beautiful young man, met my beautiful sponsor, got to know my mother all over again in a different way. Uh it's been good. Uh I'm really glad I didn't write anything down.

I'm relying on God. Where are you now? Oh, there he is.

Yeah. Where is he? E.

Oh, I owe everybody in here an amen. I realize that that wasn't Santa Claus. I saw out there.

I'm Santa Claus. Yeah, I lied to you. >> What's that?

>> What did they say? >> Santa Claus. >> Don't believe anything she says.

>> Yeah. I always wanted to be a Santa Claus and now I've been one for this will be my 19th year and uh I could never find a suit. They were all way too big and way too short.

So, uh, so when was I about like, uh, I don't know, I was about 12 years sober, and my mom, who's been a seamstress all her life, said that if I got the material and cut out the pieces, she had sewn them together. So, I I got the material and it cost me likeund 130 bucks and I got them on sale. So, it costs lots if you want to make a Santa suit.

And I cut for 20 hours and she sews for about 25 hours. And now I got a Santa suit that fits this beautiful golden body. Fits it perfectly.

I'm a skinny Santa. Every all the rest of the time I'm fat pat. My kids they call me fat pat.

But uh when I get my Santa suit on him, he says, "Oh, you're pretty skinny to be a Santa. Oh yeah, life is a joy. >> Did I uh tell you about Quinton Vankin yet?

Anyway, it got really crazy. My life got really crazy cuz I was sure I was dying all the time. So, I never dealt with nothing.

I just, you know, signed on the dotted line and stayed drunk and stoned and and uh and life just got crazier and crazier. And at age 25, I didn't die. So, I gave myself 3 years.

By this time, by this time, the pain is getting pretty pretty heavy and pretty pretty serious in my body. And so, I gave myself another 3 years, I'll live till I'm 28. And uh my life is really nuts at this point.

And uh and then uh when I was 27 years old, I I dated lots of women. I uh but when I was when I was 27, I met this woman and she was with four other women and I was attracted to the other three but not her. And when I and it was her sister that introduced me to all all four of these women and yeah, I like that one and I like that one and I like that one.

And she said and this is my sister. Uh she might not even look at you. She hates men and uh anyway she says that's my sister Janet.

And she looked at me. Okay. No, I want I don't want nothing to do with her.

Anyway, guess where we were a few hours later? We were in love. Is that what adult children do?

Yeah. Okay. Okay.

This wasn't my alcoholism. This is my adult children issues. Anyway, yes.

I gobbed on to uh I gobbed on to uh a sick woman and we created lots of sickness, I'll tell you. But anyway, you know, uh I didn't realize it at the time, but when I met that woman, for the first time in my life, I had a desire to live. >> Yeah.

So, I know to this day that God put her there cuz uh if I wouldn't have met her, I'd have been dead a long time ago. So, uh for the first time in my life, I had a desire to live. And a couple months after I started dating her, I met her father.

And uh and after meeting him, I thought if I was ever to grow old, God, I'd like to be like him. Just he was just a beautiful man. Eh, and uh yeah.

So, so uh I'm still that guy that can't make a decision and don't know what to do. So, I just whatever somebody says, okay, I'll do that, you know. Anyway, uh I dated this girl for like about seven or eight months and uh one day I was at my jeweler's getting all my diamonds washed and shined up and my chains and all that and he says to me uh you're still dating that uh whatever her last name was.

I don't I don't want to break her anonymity here. Anyway, uh you're still dating that girlness again. Yeah.

you know, he said, "Pod, she she you you should ask her to marry you. She'd be a good woman for you." He said, "I live right across the street from her parents. They're good people." I said, "Yeah, I met the f I met the the old guy.

He seemed like a really nice guy." And oh, yeah, they're good and they're they don't drink and they're, you know, Lutherans and they go to church. Anyway, I walked out of his jewelry store with all these clean diamonds and chains and I had another one in a box. $20 down and a $750 engagement ring.

So, I went home and smoked a joint. And I'm and I'm sitting there looking at this $750 diamond. Holy I can see my whole yard in the top.

Anyway, I thought, hey, I only got another year to live. I'm going to ask this girl to marry me. set her up.

Cuz prior to that, I had my father as my beneficiary. Like every time I signed on that dotted line, my dad was my beneficiary. And I hated his guts.

I hated my father's guts all my life. I hated him with a passion. Like I couldn't stand to touch the guy.

I hated him so much. But anyway, had him as my beneficiary. So I thought, "Hey, I'm going to ask her to marry me.

When I die, I'll set her up." At that point, the government and Farmstart and a whole bunch of other lending agencies had me believing that I was worth like about $350,000. In reality, it was only about 110. But they had me all pumped up, financed up, and anyway.

Uh yeah. So, wow, that's a plan. That's a good plan.

E, is that a good adult child plan? There we go. Anyway, uh so I I went and asked that girl to marry me and she consented immediately.

She thought I was a really neat guy. I had a beard down to here and hair down to there and I was uh you know drank once in a while and anyway uh she consented and she said I'll plan it all. You just show up that day and that's all that matters.

So uh that was in February. to get married in October. And in July, 2 months before that wedding, God came to me in a dream.

Uh I had a dream. I had a dream that I died on the altar. So I woke up the next morning.

Like I actually dream dreamt that I died on the altar where we were when we were getting married. So I went back to my girlfriend. I said, "Hey, we got to call this off." Like like I couldn't tell her why.

like nobody. I was 28 years old and nobody in the world knew that I was dying except me and I wasn't going to tell nobody either. But anyway, uh I had to call that wedding off cuz I I had this dream and I couldn't tell anybody I had the dream.

But anyway, she uh she was uh an adult child of what did you say there? Anyway, she said, "Well, come on. It's all planned.

there's people coming from all over the states and Canada for this wedding like and they're planning their holidays around and everything. So, uh she said, "Let's get married and if it don't work out, we'll get divorced in 6 months." Oh, okay. Okay.

Okay. Yeah. God, this guy keeps nodding.

Anyway, uh anyway, so we went through with this marriage and uh the guy that we went to see, will you marry us? And he said, "No." Well, why? You know, well, he says, "I know you and I know her.

I know your family. I know her family. It can't work.

It can't work." And he had been the pastor in in my community where my alcoholic family lives for 15 years. and he baptized my my my wife when she was born. So he knew their family and knew our family.

He said it can't work. Anyway, we told him if he didn't marry us, we'll go elsewhere. No, no, okay.

I I'll marry you, but he said it can't work. So, uh I think we set out to prove to him that it could work. So, we we stayed together for like 11 years and it could ended the day it began.

it could ended the day before it began. And I'm glad it lasted as long as it did though. As crazy as it all was, we did have lots of joy and lots of fun and lots of pain and sorrow it ended up.

And uh we brought a couple of beautiful boys into the world. Uh both of them in my sobriety. And uh there I go jumping around a little bit.

But uh you know uh after I after I met and married this woman 3 years I uh I went on this one drunk and uh this drunk this drunk amounted to a uh a Texas Mickey. I think pretty well all alcoholics know where a Texas Mickey is. And I drank one of those the last night that I drank.

I drank equivalent to a Texas Mickey. I have a major capacity for lots of alcohol. and and my brothers did.

And I'm sure there's some alcoholics in the room that had that same capacity. There's one guy right there. Yeah.

My my brother used to drink a half of 40, put her down, and a few minutes later he'd drink the other half. And I I could never do that. I had to put a couple ounces of Pepsi in it to just give it a little bit of sweetness, you know, and then I'd do her, you know.

Yeah. 10 12 ounces an hour in a bar. 12 10 12 hours.

It's 10 and some ounces, you know. Anyway, uh that last night I drank over 130 ounces of hard liquor. The last place I was, the guy was apologizing, you didn't have any more liquor to feed me.

But he had some Colombian. That's high-grade marijuana. So, we smoked that.

And uh it was about 10 after 6 in the morning, September 17th, 1981. And uh I had all I could take. I I didn't want anymore.

And I went outside. That's how my heart was going. Can you hear that?

That's how my heart was going. And I went outside and I I got this thought like my goddamn heart's going to jump out of my chest. And I put my arms like this.

I closed my eyes. It was a beautiful autumn day, September 17th. day.

Beautiful day. And I closed my eyes and I started crying. I said, "God, I can't take any more of this." Like, I I lived in that goddamn pain since I was a kid.

Drinking that until I ate and drank it until I puked and drank it until I hit the ditch. And, you know, just nothing but insanity. So, uh, yeah, I can't take any more of this.

And uh man, like I didn't have to say the rosary. I didn't have to go to church for a whole bunch of times. I just said, "God, I can't take any more of this." And uh couple hours later, I was in a psych war.

And that sounds like a frightening thing, but it wasn't. It was the greatest thing that ever happened in my life. And uh I ended up with a student psychiatrist.

And what would a student know? Well, she knew how to sit in front of me and encouraged me to talk about how I felt and how did I feel when I was this big. And I cried and I talked.

And the more I talked, the more I cried. And she just Oh, I know God put her there for me that day because I talked and cried for two and a half hours. And when I was done talking and crying, she stood up and she said, "Well, Pat, I'm going to go to my office and I'm going to assess what you told me and I'll I'll come back." And and she closed the door and I sat there and, you know, 2 and 1/2 hours earlier, I felt like I was I was going insane and I felt like I was going insane for many years before that.

I felt like I was dying and after talking to her, I felt like totally reborn. I was reborn. I felt as good then as I feel right now.

I was reborn. Holy God. Yeah.

Holy God. And uh so she gave me a a card to Larson House and she said, "You go there." No, she told me that she came back. She said she came to the conclusion that I was a chronic alcoholic and a drug addict.

She gave me this card to to Larson House. She said, "You go there, you do what they tell you, you'll detox for probably six or seven days, and then you'll go to a place called Calder, and that's 3 weeks stay. You do what they tell you.

Then you go to Alcoholics Anonymous." She said, "In a year or two from now, you'll never have to drink alcohol again as long as you live." And I thought, "Okay, I'll do whatever they say. I'll do whatever they say." cuz I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just I lived in a puddle of puke all my life and you know grew up in it and lived in it and wanted nothing more to do with any of it.

So I went to Alcoholics Anonymous and I didn't do everything they said. I bought it all. Yeah.

I didn't I hated the guy that was chairing my first hate meeting. I hat. And uh and after a short while, I hated pretty well everybody in the room.

I'm a hater. I'm a hater. But I stayed sober.

I stayed sober and uh in some ways it got better. In lots of ways it didn't. Not many people changed in my world.

I quit drinking. I started working those steps. I did everything I could to change me, but nobody around me did anything to change.

The woman I was married to, uh, I phoned her from detox. I said, "I'm in a detox center." What? What?

She argued with me for half an hour on a collect call. What? She couldn't believe I was in an alcoholism treatment center.

Yeah. And you know what? Now it's 25 years later and she still can't believe that I was in an alcoholism treatment center.

Wow. Figure that one out. Yeah.

What a what a fabulous disease this is. I'm telling you. Anyway, uh so I went to AA and didn't do anything they told me to do.

Made up all my own rules. And I really liked what uh Richard said about God. Uh I I wasn't an atheist, but I didn't like anybody else's God.

I just wanted nothing to do with anybody else's God. And uh in Alcoholic Anonymous, it took me 20 years to find God as I understand God. And it was the same God I had when I was this big.

Same God. And I still don't know where he is. And I don't care.

But I know he's always there because I've been going over cliffs and I've been going over this way and that way. And tens of thousands of times I've reached out for him and he's there just like that. Yeah.

You don't have to go to church. You don't have to pray. You don't have to say rosaries.

Just reach out and he's right there. How am I doing, God? Oh god.

Yeah. Anyway, yeah. So, I found some sobriety.

Just loved I loved I loved sobriety. I loved I loved AA pretty much. I had lots of problems with lots of people in AA, but uh I went there, had lots of fun with lots of people.

And uh and the woman I was married to wanted nothing to do with it. Not a thing to do with it. She wanted nothing to do with the AA.

She She didn't want to have anything to do with my friends. She definitely wanted nothing to do with Alanon. She wanted nothing to do with Roundups.

So, I'd go off on my own. And uh when I was about three and a half years sober, I went to a an AA roundup in Kindersley and I met a an Allen girl dance. I I had a dance with an Alon girl and uh she was married to a guy that was drunk at home that night and I was married to a woman that was didn't want to be there and she was at home.

So me and this little honey had a dance. Jesus Christ, it felt good. So good that it's amazing.

I went home that night, you know. But I loved my wife. I wanted it.

I wanted my marriage to work so badly. I had two little boys. Two little boys I just loved.

I just wanted them to to grow up in a sober home, you know. And uh and my wife wanted nothing to do with it. So uh so I lived in uh that was a pretty crazy crazy place too.

You know, I was sober. She wanted nothing to do with a non anything to do with any uh anything and trying rearing the boys and that. And uh and that went on for uh 8 years.

8 years. And uh I I tried to change her, you know, and uh there was lots of change and it was all in me. And I ended up in the psych ward shortly after the marriage ended.

Yeah. I had a nervous breakdown and uh to this day she hasn't changed. Not a morsel.

So uh it's amazing. But anyway, uh the marriage did end and uh and that was like I don't know what was that that was uh 17 years ago. And I've never really been to the woman since.

And uh not that I went the other way. I I was I found out 10 years later I was still in love with my wife 10 years after she was married to another man. I fell in love with her.

Yeah. I wanted that to work so badly. And my boys, you know, my boys grow up.

Their stepfather is a drunk, you know, and and after after 10 years, I could finally see my wife was an alcoholic. I don't I haven't broken her anonymity, so nobody knows who I'm talking about here, but uh and she was an alcoholic. Yeah.

Wow. Not like I was but like she is. So my sons grew up in that swill pale.

My sober my sons that were conceived in my sobriety grew up in with two alcoholic parents. And now the one is stoned 24 hours a day and the other one's stoned half the half the time, you know. But the guy that conceived him is still sober.

So, uh, and they're attracted to me and yet they're they're shy at times, but we get together and do our dad and son things every once in a while in Saskatoon. And who knows what'll happen, but uh, I I've really learned lots about, uh, you know, letting go, accepting, uh, love them as they are. Yeah.

What a what a thing to learn. What a thing to learn. And uh I learned to love my father, but it took it took me till I was 35 years old.

And he was 2 months before he died. Uh he had he had a pretty major stroke. And uh I was told to don't bother coming cuz he's he's going to be dead in a few hours.

And and I was 18 hours away. And I said, I don't give a if he's dead or not. I'm going to I'm going to make my final amends to this guy.

even if I make it to his corpse or anything, I'm going to get to his bed and I'm going to make my final amends to him. And I got there and he was still alive. And my mom said, "Oh, you shouldn't have bothered coming.

He's brain dead." And my brother said the same thing. There was three of my brothers and they said, "He's brain dead. That you don't understand the word you said." Well, I sat down and I I hung on to the side that wasn't paralyzed.

And he understood every word I said. I could feel the energy. I could feel the the the the emotion, everything.

Every word I said, he understood. And when I walked away from there, I thought, "Oh, no, he can die or I I can die and we're free." And uh 2 months later, I I I was visiting with my family and we had already left and I know that God spoke to me and he said said, "Go back and give your dad a kiss." So I bent over. I gave my dad a kiss on the cheek and I told him I loved him.

Holy He came off the bed and I came off the bed. Yeah. It was a spiritual experience.

He was That's who God was. God was out. Yeah.

I didn't realize it at the time, but I forgave my father that day. I forgave my father. Yeah.

And also I realized how sick a man I was. My dad wasn't My dad didn't have a bad bone in his body. He was just a really sick man.

Yeah. He suffered from alcoholism and depression and he was treated like a piece of snot. And I met lots of people after my dad died that that knew his dad, my grandfather.

And my dad was treated like a little runt. He was he was grandpa's little runt and that's what grandpa would introduce him. He said this is burn my little runt.

My dad was lame. He walked all his life like this. E lame.

And so he was introduced as his dad's little runt. So yeah, he had a few complexes. All right.

But anyway, uh anyway, as we trudged our road to happy destiny, we kept plowing along in that thing called Alcoholics Anonymous. And uh I don't know. I think I ruffled lots of feathers in that program.

>> Are we still at 88 now? >> Yeah. Okay.

Talking about so many recovery groups here tonight. I losing track. How's my sponsor doing down there?

Oh, there you are. Right on. Oh god, I love my sponsor sometimes.

Yeah, I tried laying him off a few months ago and uh I had to come crawling back. Yeah. He comes crawling back a couple months later and yeah, there's nobody on this planet that understands me like he.

So, he's the essential ingredient to my well-being today. Anyway, uh I don't know how long I'm supposed to talk or but I am coming close to my end. Uh I uh I'm a severe adult child of an alcoholic, codependent.

I want to please everybody to hell with me, you know. And uh I managed to stay sober one day at a time. September 17th of 2006, I celebrated 25 years of sobriety.

HEY, for about for about 6 months before that, I was going to put on a big party. I'm a good cook. And so I I I put a deposit on a deep fryer.

I was going to I was going to get some good northern fish and I was going to make like deep fried fish and chips and I was going to make like all kinds of homemade cream pies and get some uh cream from the hutterites and and I had a whole week's holiday around this 25 years sobriety and I was going to invite like about 125 AA friends and uh and have this big party, big celebration. And as the day drew near, I thought, "Holy Christ, you know, like I could see like four days, four or five days of work preparing for this." And then I'll invite 125 alcoholics and 60 of them or 16 might show up. You know, it's happened before.

And I thought, you know, they're going to be left with 150 lbs of fish. No, no. I decided I decided I'm going to do something just for me.

I decided to cancel that idea. I'm not going to do that. I want to do something just for me.

And you know, I'm 56 years old and the only gift I've ever really gone out and bought a gift for me, I bought myself a pierced earring when I was 53 years old. That was the first real present that I bought for myself. So I thought, I want a present just for me.

That would be something special just for me. Christ, I spent two weeks and I couldn't think of one thing. I couldn't think of something that would be good just for me.

So uh I think God was working there. I was reading I was reading my uh uh my August edition of the grapevine. I've subscribed to that pretty well ever since I sobered up and I just finished reading it and I to this moment I can't remember what triggered it.

I'm going to go to Akan Ohio. That's going to be my gift to me. I'm going to go to Akan Ohio for my holiday.

And uh so then this fear overwhelmed me like how am I going to do this? Like I don't know how to do any of that, you know. And uh so I thought, "Hey, well, I know people they they phone a a travel agency." So I looked up travel agencies on the phone.

Like I've never done like anything like this in my life. So I phone this travel agency. This is like on a Tuesday.

And she said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, we can. Yeah, we'll serve you. Uh I'll get back to you on Friday." She said, "Friday?

Like I want to go today. I want to know today." Anyway, so I hung that line up and uh then uh I phoned another one. I thought give another one a try.

And she said, "Well, I can get back to you in 24 hours." And I hung up and I thought, " 24 hours is too long. I want to know now. Can I go now?" You know?

So then I thought, "Well, what what does the travel agency do?" They'd phoned a lot. They'd phon the airport and find out what the tickets cost. And they'd phone the car rental and see what it cost to rent a car.

And they'd phone a hotel and see what it cost to rent a hotel. Then they'd stick three or $400 onto the bill and they'd give me that price. So I thought, hell of them all.

I'm going to phone the I'm going to phone the Saskatoon airport and see what they say. There's a direct flight or not a direct flight, but there's a flight leaving Saskatoon in the morning. You end up in in Akaron in the afternoon.

I found out the price didn't sound like too much. I said, "Book it." So, and then I said, "Well, uh, you know, how can I get a car or a hotel?" Oh, we have those through us. You can get discount places.

So, from them, I got 218 800 numbers and I got myself a motel and a car rental and I rent I went to Aan, Ohio for my 25th year of sobriety. And what a great gift. Oh, I tell you, every alcoholic that's sober in Alcoholics Anonymous should go to Akran, Ohio.

It is one spiritual experience. And uh you know, I'd read about this and seen a picture of that and uh over 25 years. And then you go there and you you see it all.

It's all real. And uh you know we don't I don't see any pictures of them here or their names but Bill and Bob they shared I was in the room where Bill and Bob shared for five or 6 hours moments after they met. And that's where this thing came from was that room.

Yeah. I sat in that room and I just I just felt like Bill and Bob were there with me, you know. Yeah.

I touched I touched the light the light fixture. I thought maybe they touched that when they went out of the room. They probably did.

Uh where Bill Wilson slept in Dr. Bob's home. I went into that room and I I got down on my knees and I prayed.

I was so grateful. So grateful I found this thing and you know my cousin found it and her dad found it and my two brothers and my sister, my good friend, you know, millions of people and then the spin-offs. It was just like there's millions and millions and millions of people have found 12step recovery because of Bill and Bob.

We don't hear enough of them like uh two greatest guys on this planet next to God. Maybe that's where God is. Anyway, yeah, I don't know.

They say that God's inside us all. So anyway, uh yeah, that was a spiritual experience going down there and I knelt on Dr. Bob's grave and I cried again.

And uh I'm a Catholic and I've had lots of problems with the Catholic church and nuns and priests and etc, etc. And uh one of the last places I went to was uh where Dr. Bob and Sister Ignatia worked.

And anytime over 25 years of recovery, I always steered way totally away from all that nominee stuff, you know, and Catholic church and Catholic hospitals. And anyway, it was quite an accident. Well, hard to say.

Anyway, I ended up I ended up in the rectory of the hospital. Not the rectory, what do they call that? The chapel.

I ended up in the chapel of the hospital where Dr. Bob and Sister Ignatia worked. And yeah, I had I found God.

He was in there and he was on the wall and he was in some prayers I read and and I came away from there with a totally different outlook on uh Catholicism and churches and uh nuns and priests and everything. Yeah. So I had quite a spiritual experience in there.

So uh it thank God it didn't all have to happen in the first year or two of sobriety. It took me like 25 years and uh and there's lots of things still happening. You know I learned lots from this uh adult children today.

This Richard like uh God I I hope one day I can speak like you and know that stuff and maybe I'll never do it. I don't know. I I got up about a grade five reading level.

But uh anyway, this is my story. I'm sticking to it. Yeah.

See you uh see you Christmas uh morning. >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.

Until next time, have a great day.