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We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Like I said, my name is Liz and I'm an alcoholic. My sobriety date is July 20th of 1993.

And um um I my job tonight is to tell you a little bit about what my life used to be like, what happened, and what my life is like now. And um it took me a long while to get to these rooms. Um and uh I'll I'll try to talk a little bit about that.

Um I uh I'm one of those that kind of believes that I was an alcoholic from the time that I was born. Um because I had a lot of a lot of feelings. I'm I'm a feeling driven person, but I'm also a uh a um thinker.

a think or just overly thinking things and and um I can I can remember some some feelings that I would have I mean in my earliest recollections as a child um in school uh school was just painful for me. I was a very good student. Um I'm not saying I was a brain, but I mean I I I really got along very well in school.

Um academically, but socially I was just very inept and um just painfully shy. And uh I can remember when the teacher would call on me and stuff, um I would know the answer, but I would just get so choked up like, "Oh my god, I'm I'm put on the spot." And and I I I just couldn't get the answer out. And and my face would just get as red as can be.

And and um then I'd finally bark it out. And you know, meanwhile, I just was just so self-conscious that it just, you know, I couldn't think of anything else and I was thinking, "God, I just sounded so stupid." Or, you know, I mean, it would just be like, you know, uh, Chris Farley on Saturday Night Live where he just pull his hair out. I mean, I don't know if y'all ever saw that skit, but anyway.

Um, I I just feel like always secondguessing myself and and um just just like I said, painfully shy and painfully aware of just being so feeling so inept. Um, and uh, that that carried with me through um, it still carries with me sometimes, not the ineptness so much, but just the painfully shy part. Um, but I know that that's where where God um, can can really shine through because uh, even tonight sharing my story.

Um, I'm not nervous really, but um, you think I would be because of of of how I was, you know, how I was my whole life, just very very scared of life and scared of people. Um, I forgot to say my prayer. I I I have to say it because um uh I I have a little daily devotional that I read.

It's it's Mother Teresa and I just love her. But um my mom I I forgot to bring it with me. So my mom we had to call her on the way down and my husband was like jotting it down and so if I don't say it, it'll be just you know but it's a very beautiful prayer.

It's from Cardinal Newman and um it says, "God, shine through me and be so in me that every soul I come in contact with may feel your presence in my soul. Let them look up and see no longer me but only you, oh God. Stay with me.

Then I shall begin to shine as you do. So to shine is to be a light to others. Let me thus praise you in in the way you love best by shining on those around me.

Amen. And uh I just um that's what my job is to do tonight is to let God just shine through me because um like I say, I mean, I'm not a I'm not a a professional speaker. I'm just a I'm just a student of Alcoholics Anonymous trying to stay sober.

And um anyway, so let me get back to where I came from. Um uh like I said, you know, so by the time I was 13, feeling all these icky feelings and and you know, I mean, my my upbringing was very very great. I mean, my parents, they're they're wonderful people.

Um they they sacrificed so much for me. Um I have an older sister and a younger brother and I was always kind of jealous of both of them even though there was no reason to. Now I see that, but back then it was just, you know, I was very jealous of them and um um I felt like my sister was very popular and I felt like my brother was very good in sports.

And then there's Liz, you know, and um uh but that that's you know, I mean that was just all in my mind and that's why again this is all before I started drinking. So I know that um the illness of alcoholism centers in my mind and I didn't know that back then but I know that now that I was just I was an o overinker and thought too much and felt too much and anyway. So, by the time I'm 13, you know, I'm um I'm just kind of a a person that was just kind of hanging around with the with the outcast at school and and I started smoking cigarettes.

You know, I wanted to I wanted to fit in somewhere and I knew I didn't fit in with the with the cheerleader type and I knew I didn't want to run around with the um with the studios type or the jocks and the football players and all that stuff. So, I found my my um niche with what they called back then was the freaks and they were the ones in the smoking area, you know, um smoking cigarettes and stuff like that. And I um I they just kind of accepted you.

I mean, you didn't have to there was no criteria. You just were accepted, you know, and um and I like those kind of people um the kind of people that I that weren't judgmental. And um of course, smoking led to other things.

Um I I remember I discovered my first drink at a party. um I had gone to at the end of the eighth grade when I was 13 and um I had gone we had a foreign exchange student with us at you know I asked my mom if I could go to this party and she said okay she says but you have to take this girl with me with you and I said mom I don't want it because then that I felt like that would make me stick out like a sore thumb I don't want to take her and she says well that's the only way you're going to be able to go and I knew that the guy I liked was going to be there but he didn't know that I liked him but you know um in my mind I had already walked down the aisle with this guy you now. But um anyway, so I said, "All right, she can go." And um so she went with me.

And um the guy that I liked and and a friend of mine and another guy were kind of standing outside that part the house and they said, "Hey, why don't you um stay here with us and go and drink some beer with me with us?" And I was like, "Oh gosh." And I was thinking, "What am I going to do with her?" You know, and uh so I told her, I said, "You go on in." And she did not know any English or anything. I said, "You go on in and I'll be I'll be I'll be in in a few minutes and and you just, you know, mingle with the people or whatever." She had no idea what I was saying, just kind of doing the sign language, pushing her in. And she went in and um I I went out with those other people um with the other three.

And we had a couple beers. I I remember I only had probably a couple maybe three beers that night. And I remember I was very nervous to be around that guy that I liked that didn't know that I liked him.

Um, and I was very nervous and stuff, but when I had those couple beers, I remember all of a sudden just this magic kind of went over me and it was just like, "Wow," you know, and then I was able to talk to him. I was able I was kind of funny with him, you know? I mean, um, just kind of joking and stuff like that.

I was I was just, you know, and that's what the big book says is that that's what it does for us is drinking, you know, we like the we like the sense of ease and comfort that comes from drinking and it comes at once. I didn't have to wait like two weeks after I took a drink and say, "Wow, when is that going to kick in?" I mean, I started feeling something different immediately. And um I I didn't get rip roaring that night.

I just, you know, I remember though the feelings that came from from those from those couple beers and I was like, man, this is this is kind of cool cuz it didn't make me feel better then. It just kind of brought me up to the level where I wanted to be where where everybody else was. And um you know, so after the after the effects of alcohol wore off, you know, I wanted to get that feeling again.

I wanted to recapture that. I was never a daily drinker. Even up to the when my drinking had progressed, I never was a daily drinker up until the time I stopped drinking.

But I tell you what, when I was, you know, um after I had that first experience with alcohol, I wanted to find it again and again and again and again. And I started lying from that first time. I mean, my mom was asking me about the party and you know, here I was very selfish and and dishonest, you know, even from that party.

And um you know, but the lying just continued from there. I mean, the just the deceit, lying to myself, lying to everybody else, but it had started, um, you know, from that first time I drank. Um, you know, like I said, you know, when you're 13, 14 years old, it's kind of hard to get it.

So, you know, I babysat a lot and I would raid their liquor cabinets or their pill cabinets or, you know, whatever. And and um uh, you know, just anything that would alter my state of mind. I got into other stuff very quickly also.

Um, but drinking was always the constant. And um, and I loved it. I loved I loved it.

And if I could still drink now and without the consequences, hell, I'd still be doing it. But see, drinking took me down big time. And um so what happened was I got into my, you know, well, let me tell you, just right after um right before high school was out, um I'd gone to a private school.

In fact, I just went and spoke to them um uh about three weeks ago. I was able to go back on the premises of that school and um care, you know, talk about alcoholism. And that was such a treat for me to do because I'd never been back on that on on their grounds um in what 25 30 years or whatever since I had left that school.

Um I let I didn't leave on good terms with the school. They just they just didn't invite me back for the 11th grade. It was a private school and and uh I I was glad I was out of there at that time.

But you know what? going back and and seeing that school to a few weeks ago, it was like, you know, that that would have been a great education for me, you know, but I blew it. I blew it at 17.

I blew it and uh because of my drinking and my I was not applying myself anymore. And um but to have that privilege to go back um was really really a treat for me and kind of healing for me. But anyway, um so I I'm out on my own um even before high school was out because my parents had gotten sick and tired of me.

Um, I mean, like I said, I started drinking when I was 13 and and my sister was kind of doing the same deal as far as going out and not coming home and and just getting drunk at the wrong moments and my mom's mom was very ill and um she was dealing with that and yeah, I didn't care. I mean, I cared, but but drinking just was more important and running with the crowd and the machine gun people and you know um just people people were kind of freaky that I was running with and the more freakier they were, the better it was. the more bad they were, the the more I was attracted to them.

And um I I think that's part of my alcoholism as far as as the living on the edge type thing. I just really thrived on that. And the and the sicker it was and the and the scarier it was and the more socially unacceptable it was, the more I wanted the more I was attracted to it.

And um I lived that way for many years. And um and and the people that I was running with were like I said, they were they were equally as as attracted to that kind of stuff as I was. And um so anyway um and getting in my I started getting into trouble with the law, you know, and I always tell people that, you know, I couldn't abide by the rules at my family's house.

And so they kind of invited me to either start abiding by the rules or get out. And um I I got out at 17. I weren't even out of high school.

And um you know, cuz I thought, you know, I don't I don't need y'all telling me what to do. I always rebelled against authority, but I was very compliant with the outside world. But it was just with my family that I was just so disrespectful and very defiant with them.

And uh cuz here was this painfully shy girl that you know I wanted the world to accept me. But at home I was just this you know this nightmare. And um so um but I got out on my own and I remember living in um this was in Marietta and this place was very undesirable.

But I didn't care. I had roaches you know swarm. You'd be sitting there watching TV and all of a sudden these roaches be crawling on you and you know and but I didn't care.

I had my freedom and that's all I wanted was freedom. I don't want anybody telling me what to do. And I lived there for a while until my money ran out cuz I had a little bit of a savings account and I wasn't working.

I mean, hell, you know, but um but when my money ran out, I um you know, and just like Bill Wilson says in his story um in our big book, you know, we we make a host of fair weather friends. And that's exactly what I was making was I I also was a fair weather friend, but the people I was running with when when everything was going well and when I had something to contribute, hey, there they are, you know, and I was the same way. But the minute things were the chips are down, you're in jail, you're you know, whatever.

Um, they're nowhere to be found. And um, but I I was making a host of those kind of people. And um, you know, again, just running with really sick people.

And I was I was just equally as sick. I can't say that they were any sicker than I was, but birds of a feather will flock together. You know, society will, you know, they they just won't accept people.

I mean, you know, the the stuff I was doing, they were, you know, that's when they talk about we're socially maladjusted to life and and I definitely was doing a lot of things that were socially, you know, maladjusted. Um, but anyway, as a result, I I started getting in trouble with the law. I started getting some DUIs and and um you know I mean I remember the first time I got my my first DUI.

I remember I called my parents you know I mean hell you know I mean I'm not going to call the the fair weather friends. I mean hell we couldn't even you know string together five nickels together you know but um so my parents they came they did come and get me and I still I will never forget the way that they looked the the look on their faces when they when they when I saw them. And my mom was just so discouraged and so disgusted and disappointed.

But I felt that way too. And she said, "You know what? Um, if this ever happens again, don't call us because your father and I will not come and get you." And to to, you know, when when the big book talks about incomprehensible demoralization, I mean, I don't know if you have all ever been in jail before, but to to to go through the process of of being in jail, I mean, it was not prison, but it was jail.

But still, I mean, it's just degrading, you know? And I'm I was looking around cuz the more I sobered up in there, I'm thinking, how did I get here, you I mean, I knew how I got there, but I mean, it's just like, my gosh, you know, I mean, how did how did this happen? I mean, um, and so when my mom said that, I I was I looked at her with so much sincerity.

I said, "This is never going to happen again. Don't don't worry about this. I mean, I've learned my lesson, you know." And, um, well, I guess the lesson I learned was I'm not going to call them again when that happens again.

You know, that's the lesson I learned at that time. But anyway, um, so in my in my I was able to always kind of get some good jobs and and um and I my alcoholism took me, like I said, it it it robbed me of any kind of education as far as going to college. I mean, I I mean, I always put a feather in my cap when I was in my sicker days, thinking, you know, cuz my mom and dad said, you know, we'll pay for you to go to college.

And I was like, pay for me to go to college? I mean, I'm not going to waste y'all's money. I mean, I knew it was just going to be just, you know, I would never get through it, so why even start?

So, I mean, always thinking, you know, oh, look how selfless I was by even telling them, you know, oh, we're not going to waste the money on this because I know it's just going to be one big party. But anyway, so I I it it robbed me of my education. And um but I was able to always get some good jobs.

And uh but then I started as a result of me getting in trouble with the with the law so much, I thought, you know, I I need some more allies here. So, I started working in law firms and um and they were able to help me, but they they still had to charge me and stuff. I mean, it wasn't like, you know, um getting getting the legal, you know, assistance for free.

But anyway, um but but I have to say that the last law firm I worked at um you know, I mean, my life was was pretty much in shambles. I remember when I got this job, it almost doubled my salary from my other jobs. And um I remember walking around the block with my sister and she said, "You know what?" She cuz I was just so excited.

I was like, "Man, I'm going to get this job. I I I know I've got it in the bag." And she said, "You know what?" She said, 'If you keep drinking the way you're drinking though, you're not going to be able to keep this job. And again, with with utmost sincerity, I I said, I'm not going to I'm not going to blow this, you know, just like my with my mom and dad.

I'm this is never going to happen again. And um you know, um I got the job and I was so grateful and I was almost you know, see, you know, and um got it and uh almost a year later I almost lost it because of my drinking. I would always get a when I would start a new job.

See, I was not one of those that did the geographical cure. Although I did do some geographical stuff, but um I was more of those that would kind of switch around with jobs because I would get paranoid that they were going to fire me because I wasn't coming in or I was coming in late or whatever. And so I would just kind of go to another job.

And um and I like I said, they were really good jobs. And these people kind of kept me employed way longer than than when I should have been employed. But then I would just go move on to someone else.

And when I got this job that I had, this last job, um, like I said, it kind of caught up with me quicker than than I could realize. Um, I was I would always give 200% when I first started a job. I would always get in there and look how good I am, man.

I can work these people under the table, you know? Um, but then I would then I would start to just to prove myself, but then I would start getting going back to my old tricks again of of not coming in, you know, and I said, "Damn, I got this terrible flu, man. I I don't know." And see, I would call in sick and the thing of it was is sometimes I wouldn't call in because I wouldn't come to until maybe like 11 or 12 that that morning and I'm supposed to be at work at like 8:30 and I would I would just be I mean my mom came over a couple times because they would call she was like on my emergency contact information and that and and we didn't have cell phones and all that back then so she would come over and and you know try to wake me up and if I was passed out there was no waking me up.

I mean, it was just until I was coming to, there was no coming to. And um I remember she would she would beat on my door and you know, she'd say, "My god, work is calling. Where what what's going on?" And uh you know, I would just be mortified because I mean you it's hard to kind of I was always a fast thinker and I would always have an answer, but sometimes I couldn't come up with an answer because when you're so fogged up and and and feeling like crap physically, it's just kind of hard to come up with those answers when you need them.

And um you know plus I'm sure I wreaked like alcohol and stuff like that when I'd open the door and she would just be dis you know again just that feeling that that look of disgust and disappointment and I just you know I mean I knew that what I was doing was was not right. I mean I knew that I mean I had a lot of potential and here I was in my late 20s early 30s you know still doing stuff that I was doing when I was 13 and 14 and just had never gotten out of that rut. And you know, meanwhile, the other people that maybe were partying with me back in my high school, you know, a lot of these people were like um like making something of themselves, like getting married and and you know, uh getting good jobs and stuff and finishing college and going on to graduate, you know, whatever.

And I was still, you know, still getting loaded, you know, and that was my day. And and you know there there's so much dishonesty that I would tell myself because um I mean I was introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous twice, you know, on two separate occasions when I would get locked up and that was part of my probation was to, you know, get my paper signed and and stuff like that. But I had no desire to stay sober or get sober for that matter.

I just wanted to stay out of jail. So I would comply with, you know, getting my paper signed and come to these rooms. But I had I sat in the back, you know, and I was probably drinking before or after the meeting.

I don't know. But I mean, I just I felt sorry for the people here, you know. Plus, my sister got sober by this point and she was trying to plant the seed as well, trying to get me to come to some meetings and stuff.

And I would come to her the birthday meetings and stuff, but I mean, this wasn't for me. And uh I had I had to add to my story, you know, but uh anyway, getting back to the firm that I worked at, um they uh they they really put up with a lot. And um I came into work one day and they they said, you know, um we need to see you in the conference room and I was late that day, but I was not hung over.

I only had one beer the night before. And why I remember that, I don't know. Um but that was my last beer.

And that was on July 19th of 1993. And I remember when I went into the conference room, we had just been looking at some new copy machines. And this is how important I thought I was that they wanted me to pick pick the one that we were going to have for the firm.

I mean, hello. I mean, you know, but all the partners were sitting around the table. The administrator was sitting there and some lady I didn't know was sitting there and I was thinking she was the office lady, you know, some kind of office, you know, copy machine lady or whatever.

And I was going to make the final decision. Um, but what happened was it was um some intervention lady, you know, and uh I sat down and and um and they they said, you know, we think we think you have a drinking problem. Well, I never drank on the job, you know, because that's what an alcoholic does and I I wasn't one of those, you know, and uh I was just looking around and I was almost I was kind of relieved in a way that it was out of the bag because it's hard to keep up a facade of, you know, trying to wear a suit every day and and high heels and stuff like that and trying to, you know, making sure your shoes match and all that stuff cuz sometimes they didn't.

Um sometimes the heels were even, you know, flat in a heel. I mean, come on. That's, you know, but Um, but they they, you know, I was relieved, but yet I'm scared shitless because I'm thinking, you know, how how am I not supposed to do this?

How how can I not do this? You know, I mean, you think I'm I'm choosing to live this way. I mean, I feel like crap, you know, 99% of the time because of of my overdoing it every time when I tell myself I'm not going to overdo it and I I just don't seem to be able to get out of this rut that I kept thinking was a rut.

And uh so I remember um it was just such a dilemma, you know, get help or or not. And they I said, "Well, listen, you know, I hear what y'all are saying, but let me let me think about this a couple days. This is a lot for me to digest." And they said, "I mean, if y'all ever watch that show, Intervention, they kind of push you in the corner and they you got to kind of give them an answer like right away.

You know, you don't get a couple days." And so they they just said, "No, we need to know now. either you go pack your desk up and and everything's fine and you just go on your way or we're going to hold your job for you. We've already got everything lined up for you.

You go to treatment and do do whatever. And I I just really I mean I always say this, but it was like, okay, that's plan A and B, but I still want to see what is behind door number three. What's what's my C option, you know?

And that's that's so alcoholic. I mean, it's it's you know, and um you know, I thought that was the worst day of my life. I'm thinking, man, how how am I going to, you know, and I said, can I get some beer if I if I go to treatment?

Can I get some beer on the way down? And they said, no, we're we're going to start this deal right away. So, after much dilemma and stuff like that, I decided I'm going to go to treatment and and with the help of my sister's husband, he it was his belly button birthday that day and and I remember calling him and because I couldn't reach anybody else in the family and and I was like, you know, they they think I have a drinking problem.

What what do you think I should do? and he's picked me up so many times from, you know, I couldn't even find my way in a parking lot sometimes and he would say, you know, don't even don't even drive. I mean, gosh, what, you know, so he was like, well, and he was very instrumental in that uh part of my, you know, getting help was he just said, you know what, maybe you should go.

And I I was looking for him to say, well, let me come pick you up. And you know, but he said, maybe you should go. And so I remember saying, all right, I'll go.

And um that proved to be the best one of the best days of my life because it it helped me to get the help that I needed that I desperately needed and I didn't even know I needed it. And uh I I did a 30-day out inpatient treatment and after that and I went to a wonderful place down in Statesboro. Um they got me off everything and I started from scratch.

They you know they didn't diagnose me as bipolar. They didn't diagnose me even though I was batshit crazy. They didn't diagnose me with anything but just a good case of untreated alcoholism.

And I'm so grateful for that because um because now I have that the the playing field had been leveled and now I have something to work with. Um then after I left there, I was scared to leave. I didn't want to be there when I first got there, but once it was time for me to be released and go home, then I'm like scared because I'm like, "Okay, everything was kind of structured for me here, but when I leave and I live by myself, what's going to happen?

I mean, what do I do?" And I remember the best thing that they told me that when I left, they said when you leave here tonight, don't wait till tomorrow because I'm a great procrastinator. I'll do it tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day.

You know, that's another national anthem of ours. They said, you know, um, go to a meeting tonight. Don't wait.

Don't wait. And I did. I went to a meeting that night.

And I was I was scared. I was staying sober on fear. I was I I was it was still very fresh in my mind because see uh when I got sober I was able to see myself as I really was for the first time.

I mean I'm talking the first time since I was 13 and I was 31. And so and it wasn't I I remember like day three or day four in treatment I broke down. I mean I just had like a mental breakdown because I mean I did not have anything that I could I always call it Calgone take me away.

It's it's just that feeling. I needed something to take me out of me and I didn't have that. And and thank God I was in a locked down place because I I don't know what I would have done.

I mean, I was seeing reality and I didn't like reality. It it it just sucked. And I felt like, you know, my my insides have been just kind of turned open and and everything was just on raw, you know, and but luckily they, you know, they worked with me and and I I stayed sober.

I was going to meetings. I was doing the deal. I I mean doing the deal, like not drinking and going to meetings.

And for the first 10 months of my sobriety, um, I also had gone to an outpatient treatment backtoback with that inpatient treatment once I got out of there. But I was able to go back to work. All was well for a while.

Then the bottom falls out. My mom got sick with some heart problems. And I remember I was just my my nerves were just I mean, you talk about a hamster wheel in the brain.

I mean, I always equate it to silverware in a blender and you turn it on and that's how my brain was 247 and things were getting on my nerves. I mean you I mean I needed people to walk around on eggshells around me. Work was like you know what what's going on with her?

I mean you know um the family life you I wasn't married or anything but I mean my my mom and dad were just like you know I remember going to my dad's birthday party down at the river and it was like a supposed to be a really nice dinner down there cookout and all this stuff and I'm just complaining about my job. I mean I was just complaining about everything. Everything was getting on my nerves.

Traffic, sun, you know the sun shining. the sun is not sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh shining or it's too bright or it's too too dark or I mean you know in the big book talks about that we're we're constantly discontented and uh you know and I just you know and I was restless and I was very irritable and um little did I know it was just you know part of my untreated alcoholism. See what I've learned in Alcoholics Anonymous and what our big book tells us is that we have an illness that's really trifold but I you know but it's it's and I was all I was doing was treating one part of my alcoholism.

I wasn't drinking, you know, and that treats the physical part. See, if I drink and I'm an alcoholic, um, if I take one drink and that that's the big book always refers to the first drink. I used to hear people in meetings talking about that first drink.

I'm like, what's wrong with these people? I mean, what what is this first drink thing, man? It was never the first one that got me drunk, you know?

I I I was took pride in the fact that I could drink a lot, you know, when I was young, you know. When I'm older, it's it's not not so much so pretty, you know. But, um, but it's that first one that triggers the allergy.

I have an abnormal reaction to alcohol once I put it in me. And um so I was treating my physical part, but I still have this mental component that was not being treated. And I didn't understand that.

You know, I wanted to blow my brains out at 10 10 months sober because I thought, okay, I'm coming to these meetings now. See, these meetings used to be really kind of cool, you know, when I first got sober. Oh, I love the people.

They were, you know, they were just keep coming back, pat me on the back and stuff. Um so they were really cool meetings. But then at 10 months, I'm thinking these are these I hate these meetings.

I hate these people that have a smile on their face. I hate these people that, you know, keep tell me to keep coming back. What do you mean keep coming back for what?

You know, and um I mean it was like I'm missing something here. I'm missing the secret handshake. Or maybe I'm maybe I'm just so far gone.

I don't know. You know, I mean what what is it? you know, and um you know, because I I equated my alcoholism with drinking and I'm not drinking anymore and my life was unraveling before I you know, before my eyes and I I just didn't understand why, but it's because I was not treating the physical component.

I mean, the excuse me, the mental component. So, I I um but the nice thing about Alcoholics Anonymous is people don't stand in my way of getting willing. And um and I was taught that from my sponsor.

You never stand in someone's way of getting willing. And um y'all just kept doing your deal and smiling and keep coming back and and uh and I kept coming back. I don't know why, but there was something here.

I knew I just didn't know how to tap into it. So, but they say when the student is ready, the teacher will appear and and uh I remember a little redheaded freckled hair freckled girl would start coming around these rooms and and I didn't like her, you know. I didn't I didn't like her much at all.

and she would come with her husband and she was always kind of happy and you know she'd share in meetings and when she would share in the meetings though I would listen because she she she had a I liked what she had to say but yet it made me uncomfortable because it was the truth and I didn't really I I liked more of the um this touchyfey oh you know you'll be all right type thing or this too shall pass and I remember one time she came up to me and she says you know what that's it's not going to pass unless you do something and I I I mean I didn't like someone getting in my face like that but yet I was intrigued by her um because she was she was talking the truth. She had the coonus to come up and talk to me and and tell me the truth. Um but the truth is painful sometimes.

But anyway, the girl that I didn't like so much um she ended up being my sponsor. And um I I had a breakdown at work and and I I remember this is before I had got her as my sponsor. And and um that's something in the big book that I really like is because it it tells me that I don't have to really come to believe in anything except for one thing.

It says I have to come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as I've been living it. It says because when that happens, when I come to believe in that, that that's when, you know, there was nothing left for me but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools that's going to be laid at my feet. And that's what happened with me.

Um, I remember I I mean, like I said, I was I not saying that for dramatics. I was going to kill myself because I thought if this is all there is to staying sober is not drinking and coming to these effing meetings, then screw this because I can't take it another minute. And I had I had exploded at work which like I always say I always used to save that kind of behavior for my family how lucky they were.

Um but I I you know I I just my my emotions my emotional nature was just exploding everywhere. I could not control it. And that's something that our book talks about too is we cannot control our emotional nature.

And um because I didn't mean to be like that. I just couldn't help myself. And I remember I I uh went to that meeting.

I was bound in hellbent on going out and getting drunk that night when that happened to me at work. But somehow I found myself at 8111. It's a club up in Dunwhaty.

And um that girl that I didn't like so much. Um I remember she was there and I and I asked her for help. And I said, "Will you be my sponsor?

Can you help me?" I I didn't even know I wasn't convinced that was going to help me. I just was convinced in the I was, you know, completely coming to believe in the hopelessness and futility of my life as I'd been living it. And uh she asked me if I was an alcoholic.

And I was like, "Yeah." And she said, "Are are you willing to go to any lengths to win victory over alcohol?" And I said, "Yes, I am." I didn't know what that meant, but I I better answer in the affirmative if she's going to help me. So, she said, so she started giving me a series of directions to follow. And she said, I want to I I you know, she says, "You're telling me you're willing, but you know what?

You're you're an alcoholic, and I, you know, I'm not going to really, you know, believe too much of what you're going to what you're telling me, but I'm going to believe through your actions." And she's taught me that action in Alcoholics Anonymous is the key word. And uh so I started following these directions and I did them on a consistent basis. I didn't do them perfectly, but she would remind me when I wasn't, you know, doing them perfectly and and I would I was so thin skinned, I would just take it like, you know, God, I'm a loser again, like, you know, Chris Farley.

But, you know, um she she just kind of kept guiding me in the in the direction that I needed to be in and and um but the best thing she did was she got me to the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. She says, "Because I can't tell you if you're an alcoholic. You've got to diagnose yourself." And and that's when I learned about the the physical um um physical allergy and the mental obsession and um and that's what the mental obsession was and that's why I was so crazy was because I was not treating that part and that's this stuff started making sense to me.

the the book starts using words like insan insanity and illusion, delusion, obsession, all these things that are terms of of you know dealing with the mind and um I I started diagnosing myself as an alcoholic and it scared me because I I remember she said get a pen or a pencil or a highlighter out and start identifying your your own experience to what this book has to say and I did. I started seeing myself in that book and it scared me because in the first part of the book there's a lot of gloom and doom. I'm thinking, "Shit, man.

I can I can identify with this um with this problem here, but I I don't know. Um I don't know. I don't think this solution is going to be good enough for me." She says, "Just, you know what?

Just shut up and just do it. You know, just just do what I'm telling you to do." And um so once she saw that I was willing to go to Langs, that's when she took me through these steps. And uh she took me through the steps in one day.

And I remember having this experience with her. Um I didn't know what I was doing. And I didn't have to know what I was doing, you know.

Um I just had to do what she told me to do. again, you know, following directions. And my whole life, I've never been a direction follower.

I've been, you know, a defiant girl. And but see, the the gift of desperation, that's why they call it a gift is because it it forced me into taking actions that I would not normally take. And, you know, she took these steps with me.

She didn't say, "Okay, figure it out. Here's the book. Go figure it out." She started, you know, and we we did some reading and we did a lot of reading that day, but we did some reading and the book and the steps are all contained in the in the in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And we we took step one together, you know, um admitting I was powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable. I um pretty much had, you know, done that by diagnosing myself, you know. Um and and it only makes sense if I'm admitting I don't have the power.

I don't have the power to stay sober, but yet I don't have the power to resist a drink either, you know. I don't I don't I don't have the power at all. And she told me to look up words, you know, like power.

Yeah, we hear this word all the time. Look up these words. Get a dictionary.

And I had to get a child's dictionary cuz you know I don't want to look up words I have to look up. So I I looked up the word power and it and and to simplify everything it just means strength. I don't have the strength to do this by myself.

I don't have the power. I don't have the strength. I could I could buy into that.

So it tells me that if if I don't have that then I take step one. But then it says then I have to come to believe that a power can restore me to sanity. you know, and um I think at the beginning that that power greater than me was my sponsor until, you know, I always say she's a surrogate until I could tap into the power that that I found by taking these 12 steps.

Um I did make a decision to turn my my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood him. Again, um my sponsor was was making my decisions for me, you know. Um, and the more I would turn into her, the more she would she would help me, you know, just um, and again, that was all before I had, you know, so I was getting some practice on on turning something over instead of turning it over in this mind that was just, you know, the silverware in the blender, you know, that I couldn't figure out anything.

Um, and I was taught that once I make this decision, just like the big book says, this decision can have, you know, little permanent effect unless it's at once followed by a strenuous effort to face and be rid of the things in myself that are blocking me off from this power I'm looking for. So, I can remember when I first, you know, started coming around these rooms, I would always say, "Well, I'm on steps one, two, and three." Well, you know what? There's no action with with steps one, two, and three.

It's all internal. And the thing of it is um you know my sponsor said any monkey can make a decision but you know just if I like if I decide to go out and get a job it's still just deciding to get a job unless I follow it up with action. So it's the same thing with with taking the rest of the steps.

That's how I that's how I um turned my my will in my life over the care of God you know is by taking the rest of these steps. I did my searching and fearless moral inventory and I was so scared to do that because it's like I had been to meetings for 10 months and heard the the about the dreaded fourth step and I was just petrified and then you know I have to chuckle because you know I was in a room by myself with a pad and a pen and the stuff I already knew. So all I had to do was get it from up here down on paper.

Simple. You know it's all these boogeyman fears that would just trip me up every time. So then I'm complete I've completed my inventory and I remember going to my sponsor saying, "Okay, I'm I'm done." She says, 'All right.

We did some more reading and we got to the part in the in the book and she says, 'You know, you don't have to do this with me if you don't want to. I didn't want to cuz I remember that first question for me was, "What is the most shameful, disgusting thing you've ever done?" And I I didn't want to. I I answered to the best of my knowledge on on everything on my forep at that time.

It was it was just as honest as I could be and I didn't want to let somebody else know this stuff. And for a split second, I was like, I'm out the door. I'm not telling you nothing.

You I'm gonna call the operator, you know, let her know, you know, something. But I I I you know, I cannot be face to face and tell somebody this stuff. And um but you know what?

I I'm I was I said to myself, Liz, if you're Who you kidding? If you don't do it with her, who you kidding? You're not you're not going to do with anybody.

So, I remember I sat down and and I remember I was kind of heihoing around and I said, "Well, I'm afraid if I tell you these things, you're not going to really like me too much." And she goes, "Well, I I I really don't care for you too much anyway, so just go ahead and and get on with it." I said, "Well, I'm afraid if I tell you these things that, you know, you're going to tell everybody this stuff." And she goes, "Well, believe it or not, Liz," and that's how self-centered I was. I didn't even realize it. She says, "Believe it or not, I talk talk about other things that, you know, other than you." And you know, I mean, I I just I thought my stuff was so important.

Well, so she was shooting down all my excuses and I went ahead and revealed the big reveal and she's, you know, she's listening and yawning through some of it, you know, and I'm just like, you know, but once I got that first question out and the first answer out, I was I was fine. And um I got all that stuff out and it was almost like verbal diarrhea. I was just getting it all out and I felt I remember when I finished the fifth step, she says, "Well, how do you feel?" And I said, "I don't know.

I mean, it was a good feeling, but I could not I couldn't describe it. And she said, you know, I said, I feel empty, but not like I needed to fill it back up with something. She goes, that's peace, you know.

And um it was a wonderful thing to feel. We were sitting on a roof of her house. I know it sounds crazy, but we were smoking and stuff.

That's when I smoked cigarettes and and we were at her mom's and we were allowed to smoke inside. So, I mean, it was a really cool experience. Then we went into step six and and I asked I became entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Um, she was pointing out my she was highlighting my character defects as I was giving her, you know, my fourth step, fifth, fifth step, whatever. And just kind of letting me see how all these things had had just, you know, um, really screwed up my life, you know, just like the book says, self manifested in various ways is what had defeated me all those all those years. And I kept blaming it on you guys, not you specifically, but you know, the world, you know, if people just treat me different or if you know um and and you know, or or treat me kinder or don't they know how how I feel or stuff like that.

And and you know, it wasn't y'all. It was the way I perceived the world. And um so then in step seven, I humbly asked God to remove my shortcomings.

Now, that doesn't mean that, you know, um a magic wand was waved over me and poof, I'm a a new creation. I became a new creation when I decided, you know, made that decision to turn my life and my will over to God um and and follow it up with all the rest of these actions. But what happens is and and God is the one that deems what character defects are he's going to take and what he's going to um leave me.

Like I said, I always thought it was a character defect of mine to be so shy, but you know what? That's where I totally rely on God, you know? So, he's not going to remove that one from me, you know, and I I'm grateful for that because like I said, I'm I'm total God relying in that area.

when I don't need God, it's like, you know, I mean, what what what would be the point then of, you know, a spiritual connection with him. So, the character defects that I, you know, that I know that he's he's removed a lot of my selfishness, but I still am plagued by a lot of my selfishness, you know, but at least I am aware now, you know, um I I tell the people that I sponsor, it's kind of like doing the dishes in the day, you know, during the day. Um, I may do the dishes in the morning and for breakfast, you know, after breakfast, you know, I get that sink cleaned.

But the thing of it is by the end of the night, you know, there's there's more dishes in that sink. And that's what my 10th step is for. But I'll get to that in a minute.

Step eight, my sponsor made a list of all people I had harmed and became will and I had to become willing to make amends to these people. She made that list when she was listening to me do my my fourth step or my fifth step. And she was writing it.

She wrote it from easiest to hardest. and and um it it was a pretty short list, but you know, there was some family on there, some past employers that I had stolen from and stuff like that, some neighbors and stuff, but I I went out, I remember, and made those amends and and um kind of got slack on the harder ones. Um and I but I did go out and make those and man, what a freedom, especially with the with the harder ones, you know, just like the big book says, you know, we we find it, you know, there's so much more benefit from doing that.

And uh you know I just felt like I was just taking a lot more out of of self and and making a lot more room for God in there. Um step 10 continue to take personal in inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. Um this the book tells me that I do this for a lifetime.

It doesn't and and it tells me that um I I vigorously commence this way of living as I clean up the past. So my sponsor said okay um tomorrow you start doing a a written 10th step. you do you do a a written inventory, you know, because I don't want this stuff to pile up again.

Just like the sink, you know, this the the dirty dishes in the sink. Just because I cleaned them once doesn't mean they're not going to pile up again. And so I and and I haven't found it necessary to do another four steps since I've taken, you know, the steps.

Um because I stay current. What happens is I got current. I got myself current by doing the fourth step.

And the way I keep current though is by doing the 10th step. and you know and I and the questions are that I answer on page 84 excuse me 80 86 in the book and um it and it doesn't take very long in fact when I'm going to bed at night my husband says you're sitting in your office and I'm usually writing you know so um then it says uh I sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God as we understood him praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out and um you know I pray you know and I and I the alcohol Anonymous has taught me how to pray. I was raised in the church and um and I've I've I'm grateful for that.

Um but I've sponsored many people that have not been a member of a church before they got here. And uh you know, but um I've gone back to the church that I that I left many years ago when I when I was in my heyday. Um but uh prayer prayer is is very important to me and um it's it's uh it's really neat uh when we do it as a family.

Um, I know that sometimes my little girl will come and kneel down. She's eight and she'll come and she'll see me kneeling down. She'll come and kneel down with me, too.

And my husband will sometimes, too. And it's just a powerful thing. But, uh, that's part of my maintenance.

Um, and to improve my conscious contact with God. You know, I I don't that's that's where my addiction or not my addiction, but my my need for more is is to my benefit because I want more of what I have. And the only way I can do that is by to continue to take these actions.

Um then it tells me on the on step 12, having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs. And I I know I've had a spiritual awakening. I know that um that the the the girl that I was, you know, years ago, at least, you know, 14 years ago, I I feel like I'm a new creature.

You know, Alcoholics Anonymous has saved my life in more ways than one. It's it's helped me to not drink and it's helped me to not think. Um, which is a true miracle.

I still think, but it's that obsessiveness that just can drive me crazy. And I can still get very obsessive, but these actions help to kind of keep that at bay, you know, as long as I continue to treat my alcoholism. Um, and to kind of go back to the improving my conscious contact with God.

Um, God sometimes will tap me on the shoulder. Um, and he'll present something to me that he wants me to work on. And, um, he's helped me to quit smoking after I got I quit smoking like four years after I got sober.

And I swore I would never give up those cigarettes. I swore I would never. But again, I mean, I will not give up anything until it's damn near ready to kill me.

And I and God took those away from me. I didn't do it with a patch. I, you know, I did it through just cold turkey and, um, a lot of praying.

Um, also two years ago, um, God was tapping me on the shoulder about some, uh, weight issues and I I was just very obese and, uh, God said, you know, you're going to get drunk if you don't do something with this. And I needed to either see what this what this what this program provides for me is a daily reprieve. And my reprieve was running out.

I I I had to look up the word reprieve and it's a postponement of a death sentence. And I know that the illness of alcoholism for me, it just it just it can manifest itself in so many different ways. I kind of look at the illness of alcoholism like a tree.

And there's so many different branches of my alcoholism because I used to eat like I drank. I used to smoke like I drank. I used to do drugs like I drank.

But the cool thing of it is is is the program of Alcoholics Anonymous can address any problem if I just turn it in, you know, to uh surrender it. And um like I said, as a result, I was able to take off 150 pounds by by what God has done for me. Um so, but I have to I have to practice these principles in all my affairs.

And believe me, I am not perfect at this by any means of the imagination. My husband even told me tonight, I'm so glad you're not perfect. You know, um and I don't strive to be today.

that that was one thing that I always wanted to keep up a facade of perfection and I put such high standards but I could never reach them. They were always just so out of reach. And then so then the other end of that spectrum is screw it.

Why do I why do I even try at all? You know, so um you know I was a pretty sick puppy and I and I still can be. But um through the through the practicing of these uh of these principles and by you know just staying ingrained in meetings and sponsoring people, I love the people I sponsor.

I mean, they're just so dear to me. And and um you know, my family um I I wouldn't have any of this if I if I wasn't sober. And like I said though, God taps me on the shoulder and he he says, "Okay, this is what we're going to do.

You're at a crossroads. You're either going to you're either going to surrender X, Y, and Z or you're you're going to get drunk again." See, everything hinges on my sobriety. If I'm not if I'm not sober, I don't have anything else.

But that's when the road people will say the road does get narrower. And that's how it has been for me. And um it's getting rid of resentment.

It's getting rid of, you know, um anything that blocks me off from God. Um because that's what the book says is that God is deep down within every one of us. And I truly believe that.

And that's helped me with people I resent. That's helped me with people I I get angry at. Um I ask God, one of my prayers is God, help me to see you in them instead of seeing them.

I mean, that helps me. I mean, truly. And uh because I can't say that he's in me and not in you.

So, um, I'm grateful. I know it's after 9:00 and I know we've got some chips to give out tonight. So, um, I just want to thank Tim for for having me, uh, speak tonight.

And don't call me Machine Gun Liz. Um, but anyway, um, thank you and happy new year to everybody. And you guys have a fun, safe holiday tonight and have a blessed new year in 2008.

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