Get in the Center of the Herd – AA Speaker – Larry D.
Larry D. from San Diego shares his journey from abandonment and resentment to recovery in AA. A story about finding belonging and staying connected to the fellowship.
Larry D. from San Diego grew up poor, ashamed, and angry—carrying deep resentments from childhood through Vietnam, drug dealing, and years of unmanageable drinking and using. In this AA speaker tape, he walks through how hitting bottom alone in a motel room led to surrender, finding a sponsor, and discovering that the fellowship literally saved his life when his brother died and everything fell apart.
Larry D. shares his full recovery story, from childhood abandonment and resentment through Vietnam service, drug dealing, and multiple relapses before finding lasting sobriety on November 22, 1988. He describes working the steps with a sponsor, learning to accept help from the fellowship during grief, and understanding the metaphor of staying “in the center of the herd” when life gets painful. His talk emphasizes how AA’s fellowship and principles transformed his relationships with his son, his family, and himself.
Episode Summary
Larry D. from San Diego opens with a story about his son and the San Diego Padres—a small moment that reveals everything about his recovery. He was invited to speak but almost canceled for baseball games. He chose to show up instead. That choice echoes through his entire talk.
He takes you back to Southeast San Diego in the 1950s. His family was poor. His father was in jail. He grew up ashamed, trying to be someone he wasn’t, carrying resentments that would define decades of his life. A Little League coach benched him—the most painful thing young Larry had experienced—and he swore in that moment that nobody cared about him and he wouldn’t care about anyone either.
He became a small-time hood, joined the military to escape, went to Vietnam, and came back broken. He drank heavily, dealt drugs, and fathered children he wasn’t present for. He built a career at Coca-Cola, became successful, worked with celebrities and movie stars, yet lived a split life—respectable by day, completely unmanageable at night. He was abandoning his own kids the same way his father had abandoned him.
The bottom came in a motel room. He locked himself in on Wednesday with alcohol and cocaine, determined to end it. He woke up Sunday still alive, having written $1,400 in bad checks. He went to the hospital. He came out and relapsed almost immediately. For years, he kept coming to meetings, kept relapsing, kept saying “Hi, my name’s Larry. I’m a newcomer” over and over. He was ashamed to stay; too desperate to leave.
On November 21, 1988, he got drunk again, ended up with strangers using drugs, and felt an unbelievable pain he’d never experienced. He heard a voice say, “Some of us have to die for others to live.” He went home, fell to his knees in the bedroom, and surrendered completely. That night, God came. That’s how Larry describes it.
He came back and found a sponsor named Ben. Ben took him to a men’s meeting, wrote his sobriety date on a card (11/22/88), and told him this was everything. Larry has that date tattooed on himself. Nobody can take it.
In early sobriety, he experienced the fellowship as real. A woman named his sponsor’s wife introduced him around, protected him, took him to meetings, saved him a seat. He had a son, Curtis, and they bonded over baseball and McDonald’s. He bought a house. His brother died at 16 months older than him, and the landlord evicted him the day after the funeral. He was devastated. Then people from the program—people who barely knew him—came. They rented a truck. They helped him move. They didn’t want payment. They just showed up.
The heart of his message is the elephant story. He watched a nature documentary about a herd of elephants protecting their young by forming a circle. A baby elephant gets curious, runs away, and gets attacked by lions. The young lions can’t make the kill, so they leave. The baby elephant runs back to the herd, back to safety.
Larry was that baby elephant. He kept running toward danger—toward people, toward using, toward his old life—and getting hurt. But every time, the herd was there. When his brother died and he was falling apart, his fellowship told him to get in the center of the herd. He did. He went to more meetings. People he didn’t know said, “Man, I love you. My brother died too.” His father’s ring is with him. His relationship with his deceased brother and father has deepened in sobriety.
His closing is the slurpee story. He took his young son to McDonald’s, went back for sweet and sour sauce, took him to the park, promised him a slurpee on the way home. His son said he was bored. Larry got angry (internally) and drove past the 7-Eleven, denying his son the slurpee. Later Larry realized: he does the same thing to God. He complains, shows no gratitude for the “slurpees” God has given him—his house, his cars, his ability to help others, his sobriety.
AA has given him everything. He cleans ashtrays. He makes coffee even though he doesn’t drink it. He goes to meetings. He helps others. And in return, the fellowship tells him he counts. That was the thing he never heard as a child.
Notable Quotes
My life is so different than the way it used to be that it’s so unbelievable.
I had this moment of clarity. I wasn’t much of anything.
I couldn’t understand how a human being could do something like that to me.
Some of us have to die for others to live.
I surrendered because I knew there was a God in my life.
Every time things would happen in my life that were so painful, this time you were there for me and you told me to get in the center of the herd and I did.
From the very bottom of my heart, I love you very much. I hope I can continue to pass on what you have so freely given to me.
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Hitting Bottom
- Sponsorship
- Relapse & Coming Back
- Fellowship & Meetings
- Gratitude
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Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. If you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-rise.com.
Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Hi, my name is Larry Dixon from San Diego.
I heard Harry when he said Dixon, she said, "Oh, but it's okay. I don't mind, you know." Um, my name is Larry. I'm a uh alcoholic and uh and I'm very happy today to be one and it wasn't always like that.
I you know I come in here and uh and I look around this room and sometimes I don't know what happens but when I have an opportunity to participate in in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous in my own recovery uh it seems that I I get a little emotional and I don't I one day I'll be able to control that but I get a a little uh emotional because uh my life is so different than the way it used to be that it's so unbelievable and as I look around the room and I know that here in this room that there's a lot of people who understand that, you know, who have blazed the trail long before I came along or it was even thought of in some cases. But I I grew up in San Diego and and um but I guess before I do that, I want to thank Gary for having me here and and I I was hoping Lori was here. I heard that she had a little role to play in that and I wanted to thank her too because I believe that anytime that you can do what I'm doing uh tonight that it is a gift.
And I want to tell you that uh I had this plan. I always have these wonderful plans. I'm a serious Padre fan.
I mean, I love those Padres's, you know. And um what happened was that my son and I, we've had some my son Curtis, we've had some unbelievable things happen for us as uh Padre fans and as father son, we we've bonded in a way that, you know, he's he's my pal and we go to as many games as we can go to. And last year, what an incredible season that was.
It was one of the most incredible things that I've ever experienced in my life. and my son and I, we go down and we go down to Mission Valley, we park the car, we go jump on the trolley and we go into the stadium and the trolley ride, all of it was just special to me, you know, and and we go down and see the game and then uh I have a special special friend who uh who's a um part of the the Padres's. the uh vice president of the Padres's and uh his name is Bill and uh man he that guy uh probably tell you a little more about him but uh he's he uh he's touched uh my family in such a special way that uh when there's something that's happening down there and I'm unable to get tickets and I try not to bother him but when I'm unable to get get tickets I call him up and and it can be a lastmoment thing but you know it doesn't bother him and and uh uh we're able to sit sometimes right behind in home play or down on field level.
And last year uh we had the opportunity to go down on the uh on the field. The last game of the season went uh when we played the Colorado Rockies before the uh the game and my son was able to take pictures with Tony Gwyn and Ruben Rivera and all the players and I I I was taking pictures and the first picture that I wanted to take was a picture of Bill with my son, you know. I mean, I I really love this man.
He's a special man. always been an influence ever since I've met him. But I wanted to take this picture.
So I said, "Come on, Bill. Can I take a picture with you and Curtis and when I get my camera ready, Ruben Rivera is jumping up, you know, like he's trying to get in the picture." And I'm like, "What? Well, get in." And he jumped in and and as I'm taking these pictures and then Tony got into it and and Arfacco and I, you know, I'm taking these pictures and after it was done and we were was able to see watch the game, I went and I got these pictures developed.
And when I got the pictures developed, something real special hit me. And what hit me was that this was the very first time in my life that something that I was so incredibly excited about. And something this was the first time in my whole entire life that I was on this side of the camera.
And it wasn't even a thought to get on the other side. It was just my son and the players. And I was just so happy.
And I was saying, "Wow." Oh, you know, I didn't take pictures with anybody and I was so proud of that. You know, I was able to get out of cell. And so, we did all that and and we went to every one of the playoff games.
We Oh, what a rocking time we had, you know. And um everyone except one, which was the uh uh the Atlanta Brave game. And we were down at the stadium trying to find a scalper.
And I didn't want to bother Bill cuz playoff is it was like, I know he has family. So, I'm down there and people are offering us tickets at $150. And I love the Padres's but not that much you know.
So, but anyway, so, so tonight what so dur coming up to this what happened and the reason why I'm telling you this story is that's the kind of fans that we were or we watch them when you know I mean when they're away you know we're serious about the Padres's and so uh I got these uh four tickets to go to the game tonight and uh I had forgotten about that and and I was at a meeting and and I was talking to Gary and Gary says hey uh um what are you doing Friday night and I looked at him because whenever someone say something like that to you, you know, I mean, if you've been around for so long, I was like, uhoh, either I'm going to make coffee or clean ashtrays. But anyway, he he he asked me, would I be the speaker here? And immediately I looked at him and that that that nervousness came up because this was the easy speakers meeting.
And I've been here before and I remember long time ago when this was down on University Avenue, I used to come to the meeting all the time when I was doing my little first dance with Alcoholics Anonymous. And when I was doing that, there were so many wonderful speakers, the Barney M, the uh John H, and the Teds and and the uh I mean, it was just unbeliev Ken D and and and you know, they all they would all grab me in one way or another. And I remember I got a 9-month token there at a meeting and the speaker I stood up and I said my little deal or a 90-day token rather and I got said my little deal and then the speaker it was Ken D and he stood up and he started sharing and he was going into this thing and he said oh and congratulations Larry on your and I said wow 90 he remembered my name and he's the speaker you know and oh man you know the little things that happen that just pull you along you know and And so when he when he said this I I said sure you know I I'll do that you know and uh it'll give me an opportunity and please believe me when I tell you that this is an opportunity and God has that God has uh bestowed upon me is a blessing to be able to come here and say thank you for what I have today because uh this meeting was a very very serious part of that.
So what he So I'm on my way home and I'm saying while I'm speaking to God they have a lot of people there sometime though man this is oh man I don't know if I can handle this and as I'm going along thinking this though then I said oh man the potries are in town they're going to celebrate Tony Glenn's 3000 hits and oh man I got to get out of this one and then I well all right I'm going to need somebody to cosign this but I need somebody to call be able to call someone to who will say man just call him up and cancel. And every time I call someone, I say, "Hey, you know, here's the deal." And and I've been around to know what what is real and what kind. Hey, listen, check this out.
Now, you know, Tony Gwyn, man, 3,000 hits, man. My son is so excited and we're going to go down to the ballpark. But you know what?
This guy asked me to speak. And they said, "Oh, Larry, just just call him up." And I said, "Right on." I said, "Yeah, that's all I have to do is call him up." And they said, "You know what, Larry? All you have to do is call them because, you know, it's not really important that Alcoholics Anonymous has allowed you to go to those places.
It's really not important that you wouldn't have anything for Alcoholics Anonymous. And I was like, "Yeah, well, screw you." And I'm thinking, "Yeah, and but you know, it's is that's the fact. That is the fact." So, I had this wonderful plan and what I was going to do is that my son and I and his friend, we were going to go down to the the stadium and I was going to bring a friend along and then I was going to leave and, you know, I was just going to see the ceremony and then I was going to leave and I was going to come over here and then he could catch the trolley or whatever.
My friend, whoever was there, could bring him home and all would be well cuz I can plan things, you know. And Raphael and I was talking and by the way, Raphael, I mentioned your name one time. That's $10.
So, so I said, "Uh, I I have these plans." And Raphael was saying, "Okay, well, what we could do, I could pick you up at the stadium and we could do," and I'm like, "Yeah, you know, and I'm thinking about this stuff." And then next thing you know, uh, today I I'm calling home and I made arrangements to give away my two tickets and my son is happy. He went to the game with his uncle and and I'm telling you when I was driving down the freeway because this is what I'm supposed to be doing. But when I'm driving down the freeway, I don't know if you understand it, but this was emotional to for me, you know.
I'm driving down the freeway and as I'm driving down the freeway, I'm looking over at the stadium. I'm seeing the trolley drive up, you know, and the trolley never was important to me before, but now I'm seeing this trolley. I'm look at all those people I should be there.
And I was like, "Yeah, but you wouldn't have anything if it wasn't for." And plus, it gives my son an opportunity to bond with his uncle that I think is very important, you know. And so, as a result of that, I get to come here and I look out and and I see a lot of people that I know and that I love, people who, like I said, was way before me who watched me go through my little deal here and the little dance, the in-n-out dance is what I called it. And Harriet used to laugh at me.
She said, "That's okay. Keep coming back." can't, you know, but uh so so I'm here and he's there and and and it's a very good thing because when I got home and I was trying to try on I I felt it was really important to to dress up in a suit because I remember Ted How used to tell me when I go get a token or something like that, he used to say I said, "Well, do I how do I dress?" And he says, "How would you dress if you went to a funeral?" I said, "What do why do you say that?" He said, "Well, how would you dress if you went to a funeral?" I said, "Well, I'd probably put on a a tie or something." He says, "Well, if someone was dying, then you would put on a tie." So, if someone is living and this is what happens here, people learn to live, then shouldn't you do the same thing? So, I said, "All right.
So, now I'm at home and I'm trying on these suits that I've haven't worn in a long time." And they just don't feel the same, if you know what I mean. You know, this I couldn't believe it. and I'm trying to this one's going to work.
And so, as a result, I'm pretty comfortable now. I just pans that I got a couple of months ago. And so, I feel good.
And I and and you know, it's it's really unbelievable cuz when I came up here, I was starting to feel this these nerves come up, you know, and then uh as I watched Mike come up here and share about uh growing up here in San Diego, you know, I started to get a little more ease at ease. And then my friends start coming in and then I said, "You know what? This is just a little thing that we do all the time.
We go to coffee together. We sit down and a lot of people that I just mentioned that I was speaking to, they show up. But I got one problem that I that came up that um Raphael, this is $20.
Uh Raphael gave me a call and he says, "Uh listen, we're on our way." And and uh uh I'll see you here, but we're stopping. We we have to find some tomatoes. And I said, "Tomatoes?
What are you talking about?" He says, "Well, if you tell some lies or whatever, we'll have tomatoes to throw at you." And I you know, I said, "Haha, that's pretty good." you know, and then I come in and I look at Harriet and I said, "What the hell is this?" She has a bag, she has a bag of tomatoes, you know, and I'm saying, "What kind of stuff is this?" Is this I said, "Uh, easy speakers meeting have come a long way. When you get something else to throw at the speaker?" And then I looked over here on this table and I said, "Well, they got a few for me to throw back, so I'll be just fine, you know." So, I'm I'm really happy to be here. Like I said, I grew up in San Diego and and I've done a lot of things here, running around the streets of uh uh trying to be somebody and and not knowing who I was and trying to be like you or act like you.
I I grew up trying to be a baseball player. I wanted to be a a police officer and I wanted to be a cowboy. So, I was always confused.
And so when I was growing up, I come from a family of uh uh and I say this and and and before I I guess I need to tell you though and something that's very important to me uh is that I want you to know that no matter what is said that I need to say to you that I love my family. Every member of my family I love. And there were some tough times that my mother and my father went through.
Sometimes when I was younger I didn't appreciate very much. In fact, a lot of the things that happened in my family, I was very very much ashamed of to where I didn't want to be around my house. But at the same time now, when I look back, I realize from looking at myself and the things that I've done that my mother and father did the very best they could for me.
And I know that without them, I wouldn't be here today. Good or bad, I would not be here today. And so, I love them very much.
So if I say something that may get you to think that I had a bad parent in any I did not. They did pretty well by me because I was I was we came up hard. We didn't have very much.
I graduated I remember I graduated from elementary school and the way I graduated I was in this play and this play that I was in uh I stood there and I had this little role in this play and I stood there before everybody as they were taking pictures and a diamond green. It was green, dark green and light green uh diamond shirt and it had bobby pins holding it together. It belonged to my brother and I had a pair of purple pants and purple and green really didn't go together but I had that and and and I had holes in my socks because we came apart and as everybody was taking pictures I just knew I just knew they were just taking them so they could show everybody how bad I looked.
It was all about me. And then what happened when that was all over with? I was so embarrassed and but you know I just had to be cool.
So I went up to my girlfriend and and as much as I knew about girlfriend I was in the sixth grade but I went up to her because we had these little books that people would sign they were autographs you know I mean that you know promotion when you was you know went to you signed these little things like roses are red or violets are blue and that's what she gave me and they said and I just needed someone someone to just touch me and make me feel good and hers said roses are red and violets are blue birds are skinny and so are you I'm on the right track now I just knew so What happened was that I was very disappointed and I found that what happened is all my life I was just disappointed in people because people didn't know how to treat me. People didn't understand that I needed love. I needed care.
You know, I was delicate. And so then I was playing little league baseball and I was on this baseball team and I made the all-star team and I was so proud. It was the first year that we got to wear these brand new powdered blue unifor.
They were white with powder blue trim and it had gold star and it had FE for Southeastern, you know, and I got my number four and I was on the team and I knew I could play and I was going to be the second baseman and everybody was going to be able to come out and clap for me when they had announced my name. And so what happened was this coach who came in and he was going to uh he had this guy came in to help the coach and he uh used to play in the majors. So everybody was in awe of him, you know, he had a cup of coffee in in the majors.
But anyway, he came up and he felt that it was really important, really important to have a left-hand batter in the lineup, but the left-hand batter played the same position I played and I wasn't it. I wasn't left-handed and I didn't understand why we needed, you know, we're little league, you know, we're not the majors where you got to. So, I as when I we were told that this was going to happen, that this guy was going to bat second in my spot, I was quite angry.
And, you know, growing up, like I said, we came up very hard. My family had always used those four-letter words, you know, and and I thought that was a way of standing up for yourself. So, I said, "Who the f do you think you are?
I play second base and you're not even our coach." As everybody sat around and everybody looked at me like, "Wow." You know, I was big time. And so, the coach told me to be quiet, which I didn't appreciate, but he told me to be quiet. And we continued on practicing.
And then we got to the first game and I didn't play. Then we got to the second game and we beat this team called Encanel 25 to nothing. And we went on to uh play out Lemon Grove here.
And we at this little league field they got right up here off of uh Canton up here. And uh we played another game and then we lost our fourth game and we were out of it. And in all those games, there was only one kid who never ever got to play and that was me.
And that was the most painful thing as a youngster that I ever experienced in my life because everybody was there watching and I knew that everybody knew that I didn't get to play. And I remember crying and and feeling that that that shame and and that oh it was just hard to take. And I remember that I knew then that no matter what, no matter who you were, I knew you didn't give a about me and I didn't give a about you and it would be okay because now I'm going to get what I need.
And I commenced to doing things that it just I didn't care. I didn't know how to care. I didn't have no role model or anything like that to teach me how to care and to tell me that bad things happen to good people.
No one ever told me that. And I couldn't understand how a human being could do something like that to me. 25 to nothing.
I'd have to be really something to cause us to lose. 25 to nothing. And so that's the way.
So I I grew up with I guess now we call them resentments, huh? So I had a serious resentment. So I'm growing up and I decided that I was going to go off into this world doing my thing and I became a little hood.
You know, I start stealing things and uh but I always wanted to protect my little sister who was about 5 years younger than me. She would uh uh she my mother would send her to the store and she'd spend the money on candy and I'd have to go out and steal bottles to get what my mother wanted so she wouldn't get a whooping and and I try to care for her. And I remember that I saw my mother straightening her hair with this hot curling iron or whatever you call them.
And I remember one day her hair wasn't combed so I was going to do it for her. And I put that comb on the fire just like my mother had. And when I put it to her hair it turned into paper and I was like wow.
you know, and I burn her hair out. And I said, "That's okay. Your hair must have been dirty." And I sent her off to school, you know, and uh I was I could really think back then.
I went on to to high school and I started uh uh if I made a C, if I made a C, I was doing really well. Uh D was the only important thing cuz I wanted to play baseball. And I knew that if I learned how to play baseball that I could take my family out of it, you know, and that uh during this time though, I I started uh someone had mentioned something to me along the line about this thing they call God.
So I started going to this uh Catholic Stu Catholic school cuz I wanted to become a Catholic and I wanted to learn about God and I thought maybe I could bring him into my neighborhood and take him to my house because it was just really it was it was it was bad, you know? I mean, and when I say bad, I mean it's just that I I I really wish it had been more, not for just me, but for the family members, you know, and uh my father had long disappeared. I didn't know where he was and uh I found out that he was in jail and had been in jail for a long time and a lot of people knew about it.
So, I got teased about that a lot and and we call it capping on each other, you know, and so anyway, so that passed and and I went on to uh I went to this thing to try to bring God to my house as a young kid. And and uh uh I just didn't see it working. And I remember I went into this u where this um it wasn't the actual church, it's where the priest stayed or whatever.
And we would go in there and study, you know, I guess catechism or whatever we study. And I remember I saw this this white cross and I knew if I could get that cross and get it to my house that God would visit. So I stole that cross.
I stole it. I went to there and I looked and nobody was looking. I took it home.
I was so proud. I said, "Mom, look what the priest gave me. The priest gave me this, Mom." He gave it to me because he says, "I'm really doing good." And and my mother hung her right above the door.
And I said, "Oh man, things are going to change." But things didn't change. And one time shortly thereafter, I got real sick. And I was laying up in the bed.
And when I was laying up in the bed, the priest brought the other kids that was studying with me, brought them to my house. I was laying in the bed sick. And all of a sudden, my mother said, "You have visitors?" And I said, "Visitors?" And I looked and there was the priest with these kids.
And I was like, "Oh no, they're going to see the cross." Uh I don't think that he even paid attention to it, you know. But uh anyway uh it was shortly there after that I I just realized that God didn't come to Southeast San Diego. I think he was too busy and a lot of things were happening and I started getting this little thing called anger.
And then I got into high school and then I found it. and she was uh two years younger than me and uh she was fast and she came up and she told me she liked me and I liked her and I was off and running and nothing else mattered but her and uh I turned 19 April the 12th and she turned 17 April the 6th and we got married April the 27th and my son came along that same year in September and I didn't know how to be a man. I didn't know how to be a father.
I didn't know how to be a husband. I didn't know how to do nothing, but I knew that it was important that I took care of my kids and I did not abandon my kids like I had been abandoned. So, I tried to do that dance and I didn't know how.
And it was shortly thereafter as I'm working at this company called Standard All cuz I was always able to get a job cuz I started working at about 15 years old. So, I got this job and I'm working and and uh I got a friend of mine, he he his name is Robert Deer. Mine's Larry Dixon and we were I was born April 12th, he was April 14th and he came to my house one morning and everybody was laughing cuz he got these papers that said greetings and he was drafted and I was sitting there on the rail and I was laughing at him said man you're going into the army and all of a sudden the postman came around the corner and he was looking at me and I said no you don't.
He said yes I do. and they handed me this envelope and it too said greetings and I had started uh drinking then and uh like I said I got married and I had a family and I didn't know how to pay bills. I didn't know how to take care of the family.
I just knew that it was important that I continue to play basketball and hang out with my friends. So what happened was that uh I went down there to the draft board because I was going to tell them off. I was going to tell them, you know what, you can't touch me because I'm married and I have a kid.
You can't touch me. You understand that? you don't know who I am.
And I went down there and told them and they said, "You're right. It's no problem. What we'll do is we'll reclassify you and everything will be okay." And when they said that, that hurt my feelings.
They didn't want me. And I said, I got this moment of clarity. I said, "Wait a minute.
Can I think about it?" And the lady looked at me and said, "Think about what?" And I said, "Well, I might decide to go in." She says, "Well, what'd you come down here for?" I says, "That's none of your business. I just I'll be back." And I went and I I got this moment of clarity. And what I the moment of clarity was that I wasn't much of anything.
And I remember it was always saying we will make a man out of you. See the world. And I said, you know, I need somebody to do that.
And I knew that no matter what, if in fact I went into the service, what could happen is that my wife would get money. She get this, you know, this allotment or whatever. And if something happened to me, she'd get a lump sum.
We had medical benefits then. So I went down there and I told everybody, you know what, man? they won't let me out of this deal, man.
I can't believe that. And I signed on the dotted line to go in. So, uh, I went into the, uh, went into the service and left my family.
And when I went into the service, uh, I went through basic training at Fort and then I went to Fort Gordon, Georgia as a radio teletype operator. Uh, they gave me a choice between infantry and radio telesc. So, anyway, that was a real hard choice.
So, I went to Fort Gordon, Georgia, and and uh uh next thing you know, they said, "Uh, hey, Larry, uh uh you will be arriving in Vietnam in November of this year." And I said, "Wait a minute. Well, something's wrong here." So, you don't understand. I had a choice.
I could have stayed out. I didn't have to be here and I don't need to go. You know how well they listen.
So, the next Vietnam in Vietnam. And I tell you, uh, one of the great things about this book, this this book of Alcoholics Anonymous is a there's a key portion in there for a man like me. And it's, I mean, a key part in there.
And what it says is that there are some wrongs we can never fully write. But we won't worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would write them if we could. There was a lot of things that happened in Vietnam that I wish I could change, but I can't.
I seen a lot of things that I didn't want to watch on TV. I was so scared a lot of times, but I had to act as if I had to go out there and be rough and tough cuz I was not a big man, but I could talk pretty good. And I was, man, I just went I went crazy over there.
I didn't think I was ever coming back. And uh a lot of things happened. And so I made it back, of course.
And and uh I grew up over in Vietnam and my whole life changed. And I swore that I would never ever I was drinking and and and and you know, we all have stories and I'm trying to get through this deal because I think that it's more important that I explain to you how good Alcoholics Anonymous had been for me. But what happened was that uh I had gone over there and I'd been drinking a lot.
I always drank. And when I got to Vietnam, one of the things that had happened is I swore cuz I've seen a lot of people sniffing glue and a lot of people getting messed up behind drugs. I swear I never ever would do drugs.
Never. But when I hit Vietnam, whatever you had, I wanted anything to take me out of this deal. So when I came back, I became a drug I became a drug dealer.
I became a drug dealer because I wanted to be hip, slick, and cool. And I wanted to get my wife back because she was hanging out and, you know, I wanted to show her that I was tough. And I didn't ever want you to call me an alcoholic.
I didn't want you ever to say that I had a drinking problem cuz that was my mother and father. And I don't You can call me a drug addict. That's cool.
cuz that's tough, you know, but don't call me an alcoholic. And and so, uh, when I look back at it, you know, the number of things that that I forgot as far as when I was drinking, you know, they say more will be revealed. And the number of times that I wrecked my car.
I remember I was driving down this street, Federal Boulevard. I was driving down the street. I had a case of beer in my car cuz I was going to gamble and I wanted my own stash, you know, and I didn't want anybody charging me for beers cuz that when we gamble, we charge a dollar for beer and I didn't want that to happen.
So, I had my case and I'm driving down the street and I'm drinking it and I'm going across Federal Boulevard and I'm going and and right there on Federal Uclid, my car, the wheel came off. I'm you know, alcoholic car. So, I'm driving down the street and all of a sudden the wheel came off and when the wheel came off, it threw me across the street all the way and I was so lucky there was not another car coming.
But all I could think of was getting my beer and heading for home and I left the car there. Never went back to get it. I don't know what they thought.
I got some notices that I didn't respond to. I don't know what happened to that car. And then shortly thereafter, I had a little 62 Chevy that I left on 163.
It stopped. I got out, got my liquor, I mean my beer, and I was gone. And I don't know who has those cars now.
Every now and then I drive down the road. worth it. Could that be my n you know?
So anyway, I I did this deal and then then uh uh I got I got busted a couple times for drug sales and things like that. And so uh uh I went and got this job with Coca-Cola Bottling Company of San Diego and my life began to change somewhat because I knew I was a single parent cuz I went and got my son. And uh so I was growing up a little bit and uh but I was doing to do with drugs and alcohol and stuff like that.
And so uh anyway as I was I started moving up in this company called Coca-Cola and I became uh pretty big in this company. I was working out of public affairs and what I was doing is I was working with organizations like Special Olympics, March of Dime, Cystic Fibrosis. I was doing all those things and they would come to me and we would talk and I would decide how much money our our company would put into their program by through sponsorship.
I was blessed with being able to work with a lot of movie stars when uh as spokespeople. I mean they were uh working with the as spokes uh uh persons for the March of Dimes and my job is to try to secure some of them, work with them, take them to all the various schools in the county and get support of the Walk America that occurred and uh I was doing this and and then I started do big things with big people that I that we see on TV and people just knew Larry, you know, they really knew me and and I was able if you wanted to go to a Super Bowl, you give me a call, I'll get you tickets. If you want to go to a concert and you want to backstage passes, I could do that.
But I never could stay my right size. I was always living this way during the day and that way at night. And I just couldn't bring them together.
And one of the things that was true, and that was always a fact for me, is that I could tell you what your shoes look like, but I never knew what your eyes look like cuz inside I was just worth so much less. So it started getting out of hand. And uh I wouldn't go to work and I wouldn't call them.
And they would say, "Larry, listen. Are you okay? Listen, all you have to do is call us when when you can't make it to work, just call us." And I said, "All right, I'll do that." And then the next time they said, "Larry, we asked you to call.
And if you don't do it again, we're writing you up." And I said, "All right." And then they said, "Larry, we're writing you up, but if you all you have to do is call it. You don't even have to give us a reason. Just call." And I said, "Damn." They said, "Larry, if you do it again, we're suspend suspend you without pay." And when they were suspending me without pay, they told me that I would lose my job.
And then I found that uh I had gotten divorced and gotten another wife and had more kids. And during this time, my son was an athlete. He was boxing.
And he was representing the United States against different uh countries, you know, Russia and these countries. And I would tell you about it and you would show up to see it, but I couldn't cuz I was drinking and drugging and and I and my son, they would come and say, "Man, what happened to you?" And I come up with this big lie and and I they would say, "God, your son got out of the ring." And he said, "Where's my dad? Anybody seen my dad?" And I was abandoning my kids just like I was.
I felt that I was abandoned. My uh father died in 1986, you know, and uh he to the pioneers. I said, "What the hell is he doing?
Where?" I said, "Dad, where are you going?" He says, "I'm going to a meeting." I said, "What kind of meeting?" I was seeing people like you walk. I said, "Dad, what are you doing?" He says, "I'm going to a meeting." I said, "Oh, okay." Hey. I thought he was going to play bingo or something.
So I said, "Well, what time do you want me to pick you up?" And he says, "No, that's okay. I'll get a ride home." I said, "You don't want me to pick you up? What's going on?" He, "Larry, I I'll get a ride." I said, "But from who, Dad?" And he says, "Someone had to give me a ride." And I couldn't understand that.
And I remember as I was driving off, I was peeking in the window trying to see who you were. And should I leave my dad? And then I said, "Well, hell, I'll call him tomorrow.
Hope he's okay. I don't trust those people." And so anyway, uh he told me he was going to AA and I was thinking, "Oh my god, my father." Another thing to be ashamed of. And then uh when I fell off, it came to a point and I'll tell you how how it happened.
Oh, I'm getting close, huh? I'll tell you what happened. And I don't mean to offend anybody, but it was sort of like this.
I started to realize that I couldn't drink. I mean, I could not quit drinking. I really couldn't even though I tried.
So, it was like there was this cat strolling down this alley and he was in heat and he hadn't had any relationships, I guess that's a nice way of putting it with another cat for a while. So, he was meowing and he was really in need and he's looking up and down the alley and there was no other cat available but there was a skunk walking down the alley. So, he looked around and he said, "Well, nobody will know." So he ran over there and he jumped on that skunk and he started having himself a good time.
Well, the skunk got into it as well. And the skunk lifted his tail and when it lifted the tail, the skunk hit that cat so strong that that cat jumped off that skunk and went running down the alley. I mean, it hurt him bad.
Well, you see, he didn't get all he wanted, but he got all he could stand. And that's what happened to me. And I found myself getting all I could stand because I'm telling you, I went down to this little motel room where I locked myself up on a Wednesday and I decided that I was going to commit suicide.
I took all the alcoholic alcohol I could get and I took some cocaine and I thought that mix would do it. And I was there from Wednesday to Sunday and it didn't work. I had written $1,400 worth of bad checks on the company that I work for and it didn't work.
and I woke up with just me and I had to face the world. And when I went back to my company, he said, "Larry, what's the matter?" And I told him, "I have a problem." And and they said, "What are you going to do?" And I said, "I'm going into the hospital." And this guy that I was telling you about, his name was Bill Adams. He said, "Larry, you go into the hospital, you will not miss a paycheck.
We just want you to come back and bring the old Larry." And uh I went into this hospital and I arrived cuz she was as sick as me and you needed me. And I went through that deal and I was never ever going to drink or drug again. And then I came out and I started drinking probably about a month later and then I started coming to the Easy Desert speakers meeting and I started going to Oldtown speakers meeting and we'd go out and we'd have good times after that and then but I just knew that there would come a day when you come up to me and say, "Okay, hey Larry, you know, we forgot to tell you.
Let me tell you how much the dues are cuz this wasn't real." And you couldn't tell me that someone could stand up and say, "Hey, uh, I've been clean and sober for 15 years without a drink, not even a Miller Light." So, I didn't believe you, but I was hanging out cuz I was having fun. But then I kept relapsing. I kept coming here saying, "Hi, my name's Larry.
I'm a newcomer." And I got sick of it. So, I didn't want to be around you. I was so much ashamed.
And then this guy came up and he says, "Hey, screw it, Holmes. It's all about you, man. Get your life together." So, I started trying it again.
And then I ran into a a sponsor who said I came back on November uh 22nd or 21st and I'll tell you how this happened. I had gotten drunk again and and when I got drunk uh I didn't want to ever do drugs again and I found myself in this house with these people that I didn't know and I was doing drugs and I I couldn't understand it. I had money and and I'm doing this drugs and I said, "Wow." And then all of a sudden this pain came over me.
And it was a pain that I never could I I I've been a lot of places. I know what pain is. But I felt this unbelievable pain.
I couldn't lay down. I couldn't sit this way. I it just wasn't working.
I was just in this pain. And then all of a sudden, I started hearing something saying, "Some of us have to die for others to live." And I said, "Oh I have to die for you to live." Because a lot of people knew me. And I just knew I was checking out because I couldn't use the bathroom and I couldn't eat.
I knew my body was shutting down. And this is the first time that I ever left a place like that with money in my pocket because I always went home broke. And so when I went home, I wanted to just say goodbye to my family in the way that was necessary.
You guys had told me and showed me by the things that have happened in my life that there was in fact a God. There was no doubt about it. And he did come to my neighborhood.
So I wanted to say goodbye to my wife and my kids. And anyway, I was in the room and after I did that, they just looked at, you know, that look we get when somebody love us and they're just like, it's not that they're mad at you. They're just like, you know, that why look, you know?
So, I felt that and I went in the bedroom and I just laid down and I remember feeling this pain and I said, "God, I know I'm coming and when I get there, please God, judge me by my intentions and not my actions." And I went to sleep and I woke up. And when I woke up, I had two burning desires, man. And it was unbelievable.
I need to use the bathroom real bad. And I was hungry. I needed something to eat.
And I couldn't figure out. And I'm going insane. And I'm trying to figure out which way to go.
And my son comes in. Well, before he came in, I felt the pain was gone. It was gone.
And I start beating myself trying to find that pain cuz it scared me that this pain was gone. And all of a sudden, my son came in and he said, "Damn, what what are you doing?" And I said, "Curtis, go outside for a minute. I I'll be with you in a minute." He walked outside and when he walked outside, I fell to my knees.
And I knew for the first time in my whole entire life that I was done. I knew that I didn't need any more alcohol ever again. And I didn't want it.
I knew I didn't have to touch a drug again. I knew that I was going to come back to Alcoholics Anonymous. I was going to tell you I did this, Bill, and not care.
For the first time in my life, it wasn't about ego. And I surrendered because I knew there was a God in my life. And I came back and I got serious and I went to this this girl took me around the meetings and said she'd save a seat for me for 15 minutes and if I arrived, I'd be there.
Her name was Linda. And she used to curse people out who would come up to me and say, "Well, how was it out there?" And she cursed him out. I said, "Hey, you don't have to protect me." And she said, "Shut up cuz you know you didn't like that.
And here it is. You're afraid to tell them just to leave you alone. So, I'll do it for you until you can learn to do it yourself.
And then one time this guy came up to me and he called me at a bad moment. And I told him to go f itself. And she said, "Yes." And I'm like, "What the hell?" And so she took me to a meeting and she introduced me to this guy by the name of Ben.
And she said, "Now you need to talk to him." I said, "Oh man." You know, so I went and I talked to this guy and I says, "Hey man, listen, I've been having problems. I've been around here for a long time and I know you and I know your wife. I was wondering if maybe you could help me with this test." And he says, "Okay, after the meeting we'll go to my house." And I was thinking, not now.
But we went to his house. And when we went to his house, I remember he said, "Look, there's one thing I've asked asked of you, and you must go to a men's meeting." I said, "A men's meeting for what?" He said, "Look, this is where I go, and this is important." And I said, "Oh, man." And he says, "When is your date?" And I told him, and he said, "Oh man, that's awesome." And I said, "What?" He said, "112288." Oh man. I'm following him around like, "What?
What's so special about that?" He says one one look one one that's November 22 the 22nd 88. That's awesome. I said all right thanks.
I'm thinking what the hell's wrong with this guy? But you know what? Every time I s sign a card or anything, I put on a 112288 because you see, you can take my jacket, you can take my car, many people have.
And you can take a lot of things that I have, but one thing that you cannot take from me is 112288. That's my sobriety date. And that's when God says, "Now it's time for you to show up." Because I feel that at that moment, God came down and it was time for the judgment.
and he said, "Not guilty by reason of insanity, but from this point on, you are responsible. And don't make me have to talk to you again. I've been an alcoholic anonymous, and what has happened this year has been the best of years for me, and it's been the worst.
I lost my brother on March the 10th. He was only 16 months older than me, and I wasn't ready for that. I didn't want to lose my brother.
I didn't want him to go. I did not give him permission to leave me or my family or his family, but he did. I was beat up, broke down.
I lived right over here. I've been living there for 7 years paying bills. And this is just this year.
And what happened was the day after I buried my brother, the landlord came and gave us a 30-day notice telling me I had to get out of that house. I have a son going to Helix High School, I got a baby girl that's 3 years old that is so beautiful who was born on my natal birthday. and we share that together.
That was a God thing cuz I'm too old to have kids. And here it is. I'm going through this deal.
I don't like it. I'm not happy. And now I'm getting kicked out.
And I know that my credit has been so messed up for the life of me that I'll never be able to get anything. And then with that guy who said, "Greetings, Uncle Sam said, "Oh, by the way, you've been good to us. We will be good to you and you are upset and you can buy a house." And now I'm living in a house that's four bedroomedrooms, three baths.
It's a beautiful house. And people come over and I'm happy to see them. And my house is beautiful.
And I got friends here who came out tonight to support me who helped me move out of this house and into that house to keep me out of self. Guy rented a truck and would not let me pay. My wife was blown away.
She's wondering, "What the hell? They don't want anything. People come over to my house looking like Jehovah witnesses." Not that I have anything against them.
come over to my house like Jehovah Witnesses to visit Larry Dixon. I got people that touch me in such a way and I'll tell you, I know that I'm getting long and I'm going to have to bring him to So, let me tell you something. I got two stories that I must share with you that is very important to me.
I have a son that I used to take to all these meetings and when I take him to the meetings, he uh we go to noon at the Grove and I said, "Curtis, come on. We got to get there. We're running late." And he said, "Okay, Dad.
Okay." And he's nervous. I'm scared. And we get we're running driving down the street and he said, "Dad, I haven't had lunch." And I said, "Oh my god." Okay, let's go to McDonald's.
I'll get you a happy meal. He says, "All right, I want chicken McNuggets and I want a sweet and sour sauce." I said, "All right, Curtis, we go in there. I'm scaring this woman." I'm said, "Ma'am, hurry, hurry.
I need chicken McNuggets with a happy meal with a happy meal with chicken McNuggets and sweet and sour sauce." She says, "Okay, okay." So, we get to noon at the Grove and my son is sitting there and as he's opening the Happy Meal, he's just a rock. And I said, "That's my boy." And he gave me this look and I said, "What, Curtis? Now, what's wrong?" He said, "You forgot the sweet and sour sauce." I said, "Well, go into the kitchen and get some ketchup." He said, "But dad, you forgot." I said, "You expect me to get up from here and go get some sweet and sour sauce?" He said, "Well, you forgot." And I don't know how it happened, but the next thing you know, I'm driving down the street, Broadway here on my way to the McDonald's, and I got him the sweet and sour and I come back and he's just rocking, enjoying it, and I'm saying, "That's my boy." So, he's having fun.
I knew something was really wrong with that picture, but it worked out. And so I said, you know, that's my son. What I'm going to do after this meeting, I'm going to take him back down to McDonald's cuz he deserves to be able to play on the swings.
I mean, on the things there. So I took him back a real part. So I take him to the park over here and I'm pushing him on the swings and he's having a good time.
But you know, when you're kind of fresh in in recovery, you get tired quick and bored. So I was getting tired. So I said, "Hey, Kirk, load him up.
Let's go." He says, "Okay." He jumps in the car. My son, whenever it's hot, he starts doing this. Oh, man.
And I said, "What? What's the matter?" He said, "Dad, it's hot." I said, "What do you think we ought to do about it?" He said, "Dad, I think it's slurpee time." I said, "All right." So, we pull in, we get a slurpee. He loves slurpees.
So, on this day, I'm going to stop at a 7-Eleven. I'm going to surprise him with a slurpee. And we're driving up the hill on Fairmont Avenue.
And as we're driving up the hill on Fairmont Avenue, the 7-Eleven's coming up. And I'm going to drive in there and say, "Hey, Kurt." Wow. He said, "What, Dad?" I said, "I think it's therapy time." And as we're driving up the hill, I look at him said, "What, Curtis?" He said, "Dad, where are we going?" I said, "We're going home." He says, "Oh, man." I said, "What's the matter?" He said, "Dad, I'm bored." And when he said he was bored, I got pissed.
Now, I didn't say this out loud, but I'm thinking, "You little son of a You know what? Let me tell you something. I went back and got your sweet and sour sauce.
I took you back down, did a play, then I took you to You're I'm the one." Then I said, "You know what? He just missed out on a slurpee. I'm going to bypass this.
I want to tell him so bad you missed out on a slurpee." But I didn't. I drove right past the 7-Eleven. I get to my house and he bounces up the stairs like nothing's wrong.
And I'm thinking, "God, I got to tell him you missed out on a slurpie." I said, "No, don't do it." So I go into the bedroom and I says, "God, he's having too much fun." And then I said, "Man, you know what? I love him very much. I really do.
I love my son." But because he didn't show any gratitude for the things that I had been doing, he missed out on a slurpby. And I said, "Wow, I wonder if sometimes when I complain about my state of affairs and the kind of car that I drive or not making enough on my job or not liking where I live, I wonder if God looks down at me and say, "Hey, Larry, screw you. You miss out on a slurpee." I came to Alcoholics Anonymous and you have blessed me with many, many slurpies.
There's so much I'd like to share with you because you have helped me to attain so much a house. I had three cars. I've helped people.
People come to me and they ask for my help. And while they're asking me for my help, they're helping me. They have touched me.
And so I got one other thing to say and I'm really sorry. I hope you don't mind and throw those tomatoes at me. But I came home one day and when I came home I Pardon me.
I'm okay. You want me to hurry up? Okay.
I know. I got it. Pardon me.
>> You're fine. >> Okay. But I Harriet see Okay.
>> I love you, Harriet. So So listen. What happened was I came home one day and I was doing that thing.
You know, I had gone through that God I offered myself to the thing, but it wasn't working on this particular day. And I was feeling real bad. And I usually don't go home right after work during the day because I still got some things that I'm trying to work on as far as I this guilt thing that I have about being the man that I was.
But I I go home one day and I'm watching the Discovery Channel and they're talking about elephants and there's a herd of elephants that's walking along and I'm saying, "Wow, look at that." You know, and they're talking about how strong a herd of elephants are. And they said that when this lion came up and it showed that when the lion started to approach the herd of elephants because they had young elephants with them, baby elephants, that they formed a circle and they put their butts up against one another and the young elephants got in the center of the circle. Now, nobody messes with a herd of elephants.
They don't mess with one elephant except man, cuz you know how we get. But no one mess with a herd of elephants. So the lion would look at him like, "Well, I got something better to do." So what happened?
I was thinking, "Wow, that's really cool." And then the guy says, "However, there are times when the young elephants, they get curious and they get bored and they want to go out and they look for some excitement." And it showed this baby elephant running away from the herd. And he was leaving the herd and I was like, "Where's he going?" And I'm watching this and you can tell by the way I'm talking that I'm into this this story. So I'm watching this still and they're they're watching the elephant.
I mean, showing the elephant run away from the herd. And then all of a sudden, it panned ahead and there was about five lions. They were big lions, but they were young and they were just kicking back, enjoying the sun.
Well, the elephant spotted him and said, "Hey, hey, fellas. How you doing?" And he ran right up to the the lions. And when he did that, those lions jumped up and they jumped on the elephant.
And I'm thinking, "Oh, man. Come on, elephant. Get away." You know, and the lions are on him.
And the elephant now is trying to get away. And he know he's in for a bad day. And then he tripped and fell and the lions started trying to make the kill.
And the narrator said, "You know, they cannot make the kill. They're too young. They don't know how to make this kill.
This will be a feast for bigger lions. However, these young lions cannot make the make the kill." And I'm thinking, "Get up, elephant. Get up." And finally, the lions just got bored and they just looked at each other and they got up and walked away.
And as they walked away, I was saying, "God, elephant, get up." I'm I was really I said, "Get up, elephant." And the elephant jumped up and he shook his head. I know he was saying, "Damn." You know, and he shook his head and he turned around and he ran back to the herd. And the man said, "This time the elephant was lucky.
He was able to make it back to the herd to safety." And I said, "You know, that was me, that young elephant. I was always going out there to have a little bit of fun. I was curious.
I wanted a little bit excitement. I didn't mean to hurt my family. I didn't mean to hurt anybody.
I really didn't. And I kept running into younger elephants. The police department said, "You're going to jail.
The boss says you have to go." My wife says, "You need to get out." And young elephants. But fortunately for me, I was able to make it back to you the herd. And every time things would happen in my life that I was so painful like when my brother died, I never knew after 10 years of sobriety that I would have to be the baby elephant in the middle of the herd because I want to be the strong.
I want to be there for you and this time you were there for me and you told me to get in the center of the herd and I did. I started going to more meetings and when I went there you said just sit there, don't worry about anything. Do you need anything?
And I was like you don't even know me. people who didn't even know me would come up and say, "Man, I love you, man. My brother died, too.
And this is what I did." Today, I'm closer to my brother and my father who passed away in ' 86 than I've ever been. I got my father's ring here. I got a lot of things on my brother, and I do know that they love me and that my father, I'm sure, would be very, very proud to look down on his son, Larry Dixon, and say Larry is a very proud member of Alcoholics Anonymous.
And it's all because I took the steps that you encouraged me to take. I followed your lead. I go to meetings.
I clean up clean astrates. I I make coffee. And I don't even drink coffee.
And I don't even smoke. And I give up pad you gave because you asked me to. And you bless me.
And you say that I count. I want to tell you from the very bottom of my heart that I love you very much. And I hope that I can continue to try to pass on what you have so freely given to me.
And if there's anyone here that don't understand that this is the best show on earth, we need to talk cuz this is a deal. Thank you so very much. I appreciate it.
>> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.