AA Speaker – Kelvin D. – Salem, OR – 2007
AA speaker Kelvin D. from Fargo, North Dakota shares how he moved from eight years of dry sobriety and resentment to genuine spiritual connection and purpose in recovery.
Kelvin D. from Fargo, North Dakota came to AA with a deep wound—a feeling of disconnection that went back to childhood, complicated by identity questions and an irritable, restless nature that made him feel like an outsider. In this AA speaker tape from Salem, Oregon in 2007, he walks through what happened when he realized that eight years of working the steps, sponsoring others, and building an impressive AA resume meant nothing without an actual relationship with God, and how digging down to fill the God-shaped hole in his gut transformed his marriage, his family, and his entire life.
Kelvin D., sober since 1996, describes how he spent eight years in AA looking good on the outside—sponsoring many people, serving in leadership roles—while secretly disconnected from God and becoming resentful and even violent at home. He explains the difference between having a program and having a fellowship, and how his moment of clarity came when he realized his scoreboard mentality and judgment were slowly walking him out of recovery. Through a genuine spiritual awakening and understanding that anything good that comes from him is God’s will, not his own, Kelvin rebuilt his marriage, healed his family relationships, and found the peace he’d been searching for his whole life.
Episode Summary
Kelvin D. opens by sharing the lightweight stuff—his pronunciation anxiety, the heat wave in Oregon, the three guys from Fargo who drove down just because it was 60 degrees. But quickly, he takes you into the real story: a kid born irritable, restless, and discontent, caught between a white mother and a Black father, always feeling like something was missing, like people looked through him instead of at him. That hole in his gut—the one where the wind blows through—became his life’s obsession.
Drinking filled that hole for the first time. At 12 or 13, alcohol gave him permission to come out and play, to look people in the eye without fear. He fell in love with drinking, considered it his first spiritual experience. What he didn’t understand then was that he had two problems: the physical phenomenon of craving (one drink led to a hundred), and the obsession of the mind that told him each time that one more drink was okay, was the answer, was necessary. He spent his teens and early twenties proving it—over 250 street fights, scholarship offers destroyed by a failed test after an all-night drunk, college thrown out, felonies stacking up, his mom’s shame. But he never woke up intending any of it. His intentions were beautiful. His actions were catastrophic.
When he finally hit AA, he despised it. The happy people saying “keep coming back” and “let go and let God”—he wanted to tear their throats out. But one man showed him kindness when he walked in broken and filthy. That man became his sponsor, and despite Kelvin’s resistance to everything (the steps, the coffee, the ties, the meetings), his sponsor kept him moving forward. At 12 days sober, his sponsor pushed him into sponsorship. At 9 weeks, he was already teaching newcomers the Big Book with intensity. He did the work.
And then something insidious happened. By eight years sober, Kelvin looked like the poster child of AA—ten sponsees, speaking at conferences, co-chairman of the state roundup, past chairman of Intergroup. He had the resume. He had the look. But inside, he was a fraud. He didn’t believe in God. He’d spent eight years pretending to have a spiritual connection while maintaining an Old Testament image of God—harsh, violent, evil. He said the words at meetings about connecting with the power greater than ourselves, but he felt as far from that as the moon. He got on his knees to pray because his sponsor told him to, not because he meant it. And his family paid the price.
Kelvin describes coming home to a broken pipe, a flooded basement, a plugged toilet. His wife trying to help with the plunger he’d thrown away. In a moment of rage—eight years sober, active in AA—he grabbed her and threw her across the bathroom into the door in front of his daughter. The same violence he’d vowed at age 12 he’d never become. His daughter’s knee hit him as she jumped on his lap and he screamed in her face, shook her. That night, he rolled a loaded .357 revolver over in his den, wondering if he should kill himself. This is what he got with no God. This is what he got pretending to have God in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous.
The turning point came in understanding the difference between a program and a fellowship. He had a program—the steps, the structure—but he had walked out of the fellowship by slowly cutting people off with his judgment and scoreboard mentality. Worse, he’d never truly surrendered to God because he was still angry at God, still blaming God for earthquakes and evil. What changed was a small shift in perception: anything bad that happens is because selfish people like him won’t do God’s will. Anything good that comes from him is not of him—it’s of God. When he helped an elderly couple on a plane and people praised him, he learned to close his eyes and think, “Look what your hand has done”—acknowledging that the good wasn’t from him, but through him.
His sponsor called it dismantling the judgment machine. As Kelvin’s scoreboard went away, things shifted. His wife no longer had to walk on eggshells. His daughter wasn’t screamed at. AA showed up for him too—when he blew out his Achilles tendon and nearly lost his leg, members came to scrub his floors, clear his driveway of snow, have meetings in the hospital with him. He learned that the program is in the Big Book, but the fellowship is the people—and people are fallible while God is not. You need both.
Today, Kelvin isn’t a construction worker anymore. He manages an office, sells copiers, builds people. He has a marriage beyond anything he imagined. His daughter gets on her knees next to him in the morning and reads her little Bible while he reads his. The hole in his gut is filled—not with money, cars, women, or jobs, but with God. And he ends with the line from the Big Book that saved him: “If we fail to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would surely drink again. And if he drank, he would surely die.” Faith without works is dead. You need both the prayer and the action. The combination of the two creates recovery.
Notable Quotes
I’m the guy that feels that stuff because my big secret is I’m really not enough. My big secret is that I don’t know how to come out and play.
One is too many and a thousand’s not enough. For a guy like me, that’s the deal.
I don’t get lucky. I don’t get to be one of the people that dies. I’m somebody that if I went back to the drink, I would get to live a long time and a lot of pain.
The book tells me that I’ll be taken care of if I do his work well. And if you do his work well, it works. It really does. It’s all God.
Anything that’s good that comes from me is not of me. It is of God. Anything that’s not good is because there’s selfish people like me out there that won’t do his will.
The problem with my AA scoreboard is that I know it. And it’s clicking off right up here. And you are always at zero and I’m clicking.
Step 3 – Surrender
Sponsorship
Resentments
Family & Relationships
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Spiritual Awakening
- Step 3 – Surrender
- Sponsorship
- Resentments
- Family & Relationships
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
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We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Thank you. My name is Kelvin Daniels.
I'm an alcoholic. Sober today to the grace of God. Miracle Alcoholics Anonymous.
Fantastic sponsorship. I've been sober since October 10th, 1996. And for that, I'm truly grateful.
And um I want to say first off I I really want to thank um thank the committee for having me come here uh tonight. It's an honor and a privilege whenever I'm asked to do anything in Alcoholics Anonymous and and um I've been getting teased for about 3 weeks because back in Fargo we call Oregon Orgon. And um I get a text message.
I'm on the way here and my it's one of my buddies Chad and he says uh make sure you say Oregon correctly so they don't laugh at you. And um so I'm sitting in the car going organ organ or organ organ. And um just making sure that I got that right cuz I don't want to sound like I'm not from here.
Um I want to be accepted and loved everywhere I go. Um and uh and I really want to thank Richard and and uh and the committee. Uh it's been wonderful.
And my host Mike is is amazing. I mean I I get a chance to go and talk and be of service and I love that. And and Mike Mike should teach like a hosting clinic.
I mean, if you ever want to do a little side work, man, I mean, you can just go around and be like, "This is how you treat people because it's been warm and friendly and and full of love and and uh I'm I'm just really excited to be here." Um, and yes, there was the this is a heat wave. Uh, we had a cold snap go through. It's been about 20 below in Fargo for about the last 2 weeks.
And it was seven above when I when I drove when I drove to the airport this morning. And I get off the plane and this is like Bermuda. I mean, it's like I haven't had a coat on, you know, and some of the guys that drove up from Fargo, they're wearing shorts and uh it's it's it's really nice.
And I got to tell you the story about that real quick. Um we're at we're at our uh my home group's on Tuesday night and at the meeting at after the meeting we go to coffee and we're sitting there at coffee tell take a message. I'll be I'll get that later.
Um uh I'm at coffee and uh and one of the guys uh I won't say who he is but he just read the traditions just lost his job and um and uh one of the other guys is brand new just moved into town and uh he goes why don't we just drive to Oregon and I'm like okay you know and so people say it's so wonderful that they're that they came here to hear you talk and I'm like they can hear me talk anytime they came to go to the you know, and uh and because it's like 60 here, that's why they're here. Um and uh that's the reason that's the reason why uh that's the reason why they're here. Uh book tells me I'm supposed to share in a general way what I was like, what happened, and what I'm like today.
And um it's it's kind of a funny thing for me because as I as I think about how I got to Alcoholics Anonymous and and about alcoholism as the disease that it is, I'm a I'm a kid that's been irritable, restless, and discontent my whole life. I didn't have those words to describe the feelings that I had growing up, but I had those feelings. I'm the type of kid that no matter what happens, it's not good enough for me.
I'm the guy that raises the bar to the point where you cannot perform at the level that I need you to. And so you got to go. I'm that guy.
I'm born and raised that way. I had symptoms of alcoholism well before I ever took a drink. And and I had an identity crisis growing up.
And it was kind of a funny deal. May not you may not have noticed this, but I'm a little darker skinned than the rest of the crowd except for Mike. Hey, how you doing?
Um but um but uh it it was a funny thing for me growing up because I didn't know what I was cuz my mom is white and my dad's black. And so I'm sitting there checking other on these little tests in school cuz I didn't know what the hell I was. And um you know and and I'm having this problem and people say well what are you?
People ask me if I'm Samoan and I think that's because I'm fat and it makes me mad when they say that. So you know no I'm not Samoan. Um that's the first thing.
Uh, but it's if you can kind of just get a mental picture, if you get a the true context of what I am, it's a Viking ship with 20s on it and fried chicken, you know? I mean, it that kind of a deal. It's my name would be like Tyrone Oolie, you know?
I mean, that's that that's kind of who I am. And uh and I grew up having this feeling of indifference. And and I'm the guy that's had a hole in his gut his whole life.
Uh the kind of hole that when you look at me, you don't look at a guy like me. You look through me. And the kind of hole that when the wind blows, it feels like it comes out of my back.
And I know that there's a piece of me missing somehow somewhere. I just can't put my finger on what the heck it is. So I go through life feeling disconnected from.
And I remember feeling that way from the entire time I was growing up. And I just I have this this feeling that comes over me. And and and and I love the way Clancy said it that I'm a I'm a feeler.
I seem to feel things more intensely than other people. And when that happened, and I I've got to share this story. Valentine's Day was just earlier this week.
And and and AA is a healing program. And when I was in sixth grade, my teacher said, "Nobody has to give a Valentine to anybody that doesn't want to." So, I'm sitting there and I'm thinking about it. And I I don't know about you, but I had resentments in sixth grade.
Um I'm a good alcoholic. So, I'm sitting there. I'm like, I'm not giving one to Jenny and I'm not giving one to Steve and oh that not giving one to the teacher cuz I hate Mr.
Nelson, you know. And I'm and my mom looks at me and she says, "But Kelvin, how would you feel if nobody gave you a Valentine?" Let me tell you how that feels. Um, we had a we had a big deal where we had to to decorate all of our Valentine's boxes and it was a big deal, you know, and and during that time, GI Joes were real big when I was a kid.
So my I had like GI Joe was my Valentine's box. I love you Valentine. You know, like shooting people and stabbing and and stuff like that.
And that was my Valentine's box. And the teacher goes, "All right, go." So I'm going around. I'm putting these Valentine's in.
And so these people know how lucky they really are. I made one for everyone. And I get back to my box and I pick it up and it's a little light.
Tear the top off. I didn't get one, not even from the teacher. And um and I told that story and I was talking in Oaklair, Wisconsin.
I told that story and it was and I think it was uh like November when I told the story or January and here on December or on February 14th that year there's a FedEx package in my door and it is full of AA Valentine's. I mean it is just I mean just chalk full of these things. I mean people's kids were writing them.
I mean there's a paw print on one I'm pretty sure. I mean, it was just it was amazing, you know. And I'm the guy that feels that stuff because what my real my real deal is is my big secret is I'm really not enough.
My big secret is is that is that I don't know how to come out and play. And I got a chance to come out and play when I was about 12 or 13 years old cuz I got a chance to drink for the first time. And and I shouldn't say for the first time, but for the first time to get the true effect, the effect that happens within me when I get the right amount of juice on board.
And at that point in time, I knew how to connect. I knew how to come out and play. I knew how to I knew how to look you in the eye and not be afraid anymore because damn it, I'm here now because I got it on.
It's go. It's go time. It's it the theme music comes in slowly in the background.
And then all of a sudden, you hear it's time to go. And then boom, I arrive. And I love the way Bill Wilson said it.
I arrived. And I I just get this feeling that I talk about booze like that and I kind of get jittery. I'm like, it was fun.
You know, cuz at the beginning it was for me. In the beginning when I got the chance to drink, it was the thing that in my case probably prevented a teenage suicide because I am a feeler by my nature. And and when you're irritable and restless and discontent like that and you get a chance to have some type of solution that comes into you, it is the thing that you want to do forever and ever and ever.
So I went through and um and started to drink. And I'm I'm a guy who fell in love with drinking. I really consider drinking to be my first spiritual experience.
Um, and I I don't say that in just I mean that because for me drinking was the thing that brings a light on. And what I found out after coming to Alcoholics Anonymous was that I really have two pieces that are wrong with me. I I have the phenomenon of craving that develops when I take a drink.
When I take a drink of alcohol, the magic happens. The switch flicks on and I know that I need to get more, but I don't know if I'm going to have one more or if I'm going to have a hundred more. For a guy like me, one is too many and a thousand's not enough.
So if that's my only problem, if that's my only problem drinking, then I would be one of those people that were just a heavy drinker. Once you clean up my act, I would be fine. Once you remove me and I get out of detox or jail or some lockdown facility, I would be okay.
Because for a guy like me, I started suffering consequences very early for my drinking. I'm the type of person that my mom looked at me and and said, "Well, I'll get to that in a second. I'm the kind of person that has wonderful intentions.
If if you judge me on my intentions, I could I could be the pope. I'm not even Catholic, you know? I would be Kelvin the first, you know.
I mean, I would be like Kelvin Paul or something. I mean, by my intentions, I am just wonderful. But it's my actions that come in and screw everything up.
And it's it's that it's that thing cuz I never once woke up in the morning. Never one time did I wake up in the morning and said, you know, tonight I want my mom to look at me and say she's the same shamed she ever gave birth to me. I wasn't a guy who ever said that.
I never once woke up in the morning and said, you know, tonight when I tonight when when I when I wake up, I want to be in jail cuz I'm really sick of food and my own good food and my own clothes. You know, I I never said that. I never once woke up in the morning and said, you know, tomorrow when I wake up, I want to be covered in blood that's not mine and not remember where I've been.
I never once said any of those things. Those are all things that happen to me though because I don't go out with the intention for anything like that to happen. I don't go with the intention to have any of the malady that happens within me when I start to drink start to create and roll and just start picking up speed.
That is not my intention when I pick up a drink. My intention is to have a little fun. My intention is to make this hole that's in my gut close up for a little bit so I can look you in the eye and not have to be afraid.
Now, I'm one of those guys that's uh that's very fearful person. And um because I'm a fearful person, I figure there's only a couple things to do when you're afraid like me. You can either hide in a hole or beat people up.
And um hiding in a hole seemed kind of boring. So I I tried the second one and as a result of that, I'm a guy spent over 250 street fights. I did that.
I've seen things done to God's kids and done things to God's kids nobody's ever supposed to see or do. But I never had that intention. I never meant to do that.
I never I never meant to to hurt people, but that's that's who I that's who and what I become when I start to drink. So, I go through I go through school and and I'm I'm a guy who did really well in sports and I had I had scholarship offers all across the United States. Not in Oregon or maybe I'd ended up here.
Um, but uh I had scholarship offers all across the United States and and I got I got this opportunity to stay to to go to the Air Force Academy and I get flown out by the government and I'm and I visit this campus in Colorado Springs. This place is gorgeous. And and they say, "All you got to do is get two points higher in your math section.
You're in." You know, you're in. And I'm like, "All right, I'm going to go do this." I don't know what you start to click through in your mind, but that's a lot of pressure. I don't know how you handle pressure, but me, I have a couple drinks cuz I I need to study, right?
So, I'm going to have a couple drinks and everything's going to be okay for a little bit. And when I have a couple of drinks, that turns into 5:30 in the morning for me. My test was at 7:30.
I failed. I didn't get in. So, I stay and and I play at a local school and and I and I lose my scholarships and I get thrown out and and they say, you know, you're not going to come and attend State University anywhere in North Dakota again.
You know, you're gone. And and I and I can't believe these things are happening because see, I'm not that way. I I just want to be loved, you know?
I And and and as an alcoholic, I'm the only kind of the only alcoholics are the only people that I know that that want to be they want to completely detach from people, but be hugged while we do it, you know? It's like, get away from me, you know? And I no, just stop, you And I'm and I I just I just want that, you know, but big tough guys don't say that.
Big tough guys say get away from me and then later on when they're alone is when they put their head down in their hands. And and I lived that way. And it was it was embarrassing to for me because I I always thought I had control.
I always thought I had control. And people come up to me and they'd say, "The problem is you need to go back to church. You that that's going to save you.
That's your problem. You see, if if you had God, then you wouldn't do the things you do and you wouldn't drink like that. And that's kind of a funny thing because for me, my dad is Southern Baptist, so the holy book is in the house.
The sword of God, you know, it's in there. He would bring Jehovah Witnesses in and then he would like battle them and they'd leave there wondering why they're Jehovah Witnesses, you know? I mean, it was it was like crazy around my house and and and there w it was just it was crazy.
And I I was I was the president of the National Lutheran Youth Fellowship League for the state of North Dakota. Can you believe that? I had God.
I got to I was the number one graduation student from my confirmation class. I got to give a 10-minute sermon the next Sunday. And everybody came up and told me, "You should really think about joining the faith and carrying God's message." And they're doing that.
and they're saying all this stuff to me. So, I'm sitting there and I'm wondering how if I've got God and I'm still doing this stuff. So, apparently, you're all wrong.
And um you know, I get this this thing in my head that says that you're wrong because if he was so great, I wouldn't be where I am. So, I came to AA with that on my shoulder. I came to AA with this idea of God and I hated Alcoholics Anonymous.
I got here I came to my first meeting on a Thursday and I hadn't showered since Sunday and I was a construction worker at the time. There was no cologne covering up the funk coming off of me. I was dirty and I stunk, you know, and I had hair back then and it was kind of this weird afro thing and I had concrete chunks and and I had these patches of hair coming off of my face and this nasty goatee.
I I kind of looked like a Chiaet on crack is what I looked like, you know? I had I had all this stuff sticking out all over the place and and I walk into my first meeting like that. And and and I sit down and and as I'm walking in the door, of course, you know, I'm I'm I'm I'm a tough guy.
So I show up at 7:59 and 58 seconds for the 8:00 meeting and this guy walking in, he's the last smoker, you know, okay, let's go, you know, and he's in the door and he says welcome to me. And now at this point in time in my life hearing welcome is a crazy thing because nobody says welcome to me anymore. Nobody does.
And I can't figure out by this time in my life why I continue to drink. Because I already said that if you wake up out of jail or if you wake up by things that I've been told, if my only problem was a phenomenon of craving, then I wouldn't need to be here. But I have this second thing that's wrong with me.
I've got the obsession of the mind. I've got the thing that tells me it's going to be okay to take the next drink. You know, yeah, man.
You know that was because you were drinking whiskey. You know, everybody gets crazy when they drink whiskey. You know, you need to try tequila.
Try a little Mexican flavor. You know, you know, do that. You know, try that stuff.
You know what? No, no, no. The last time you did that, you peed on somebody.
That's a bad thing. You know, you go over here. You need to stick to just pure malt liquor.
Yeah, that's what it is. Let's get down to the to the brood nature of things, you know, and and No, no, that's not going to work. Carov.
Carov vodka9.98 to 175. I'm convinced that a potato's never been near Carov. That stuff's made of paint thinner and strained through underwear that's been worn for 3 days.
That stuff's terrible. I mean that that Carov, I still get that little gaggy thing in the back of my mouth when I say Carov. It's like carov, you know?
>> No. Carov. I I still get in trouble with carov.
So So apparently there's something in my head that is not right. You know, in the doctor's opinion, it tells me that I'm that physically I'm different. Mentally I'm different.
Physically I'm different because of the of the phenomenon I'm craving. Mentally I'm different because of the obsession of the mind. And I'm I'm also the guy that that looks at that part of the book and where it says exactly.
It says the sense of ease and comfort that comes at once by taking a few drinks. Drinks I see other people take with impunity. If I don't get that sense of ease and comfort, I am irritable, restless, and discontent.
It precedes it by saying that. Well, I don't know about you, but I being sober today and and working in a in a field where I get to do a little marketing once in a while. If I ever left AA and started an alcohol company, I would call it ease and comfort because that just sounds so nice, you know, ease and comfort.
And when I when I think about that, I got ease and comfort instantly. And this the other people, they seem to drink without any consequence at all. They drink, they don't go to jail.
I'm allergic to alcohol. When I drink, I break out in handcuffs. It's a terrible, terrible thing.
When I drink, I have these crazy problems and my friends, they go to work the next day. I wake up at 3:00 and go, "Crap, where am I going to work?" You know, cuz they've already told me I'm going to be gone. You know, I don't understand what that happens.
I have all these things that keep coming up and get piled on top of me. I've got all these felony charges. I've got all this crap on me and they keep telling me, "Don't drink." And I say, "Okay, I'm not going to drink." And then this little thing goes, "But Kelvin, those little Mickey wide mouths They're small like a kid could hold them, you know?
They're they're only like 10 oz. They're they're not even a full beer. They're they're just tiny and they're green and and the the the the the bottle's nice.
Just one of those. You can have just one of those. You'd be fine.
But unfortunately, he comes with five of his friends. And I don't want him to be lonely. I'm not the guy who breaks up families.
So I I go in there and I'm not drinking. I'm not going to drink. So I go, well, if I just get six of them, then I I can have one maybe next week cuz I'm not drinking and maybe two cuz Super Bowl's coming up, you know?
I mean, that makes sense, right? But then, see, I I've got this problem cuz I'm cheap and I and I go, "Well, damn. Why would I buy six when for $7 more I I can bring the whole the whole family?
Everybody's coming over, you know? So, I buy the case. Let me tell you what one little Mickey's widemouth gets you.
One Little's Mickey's widemouth gets you insulation of a riot on your record. That's what it does for me. I don't know about you, but I had one and I end up at a rave and pretty soon I'm saying, "Let's burn this thing down.
Nobody ever listens to me. What the hell are they doing listening?" You know, so everybody starts tearing everything up and when the cops come, they all do this, you know? And I'm like, "What?
It was a Mickey." You know, that's all I'm thinking. No, that happens to me. That happens to me because I'm not picky.
My idea of a fine wine is Mad Dog 2020, you know? I mean, my idea of a fine wine is Thunderbird, okay? I mean, I just wish I was older so I could have drank Ripple cuz I hear people talk about that.
That stuff sounds awesome, you know? So, I I've got this I've got this this picture in my mind of these things and they don't seem to add up. Two and two is making six all day long.
I don't understand why I can't just have one or two. So, when I come to Alcoholics Anonymous and they explain to me that I have this this obsession of the mind that tells me that that turning back to the drink is an okay thing to do and it makes sense for me to do, I now understand, oh, that's why I do that. That little monkey that sits on my shoulder and tells me go ahead.
That that's just that's just part of my disease. That I'm not really crazy like the psychologist is trying to tell me. that they're trying to tell me you're borderline schizophrenic, you know, that you're that you're that they want to put me on hell for an anti-csychotic because I told them I heard voices.
It's noisy in my head. Damn it. Of course, I heard voices.
You know, I mean, they're telling me things. They're saying, "Well, you got to go do this and you got to go do that." And and of course that girl should she won't really leave you if you drink tonight. You're the best thing that's ever happened to her, you know?
And that's the things that go through my head. That's what happens to me. And I returned back to the drink and I returned back to the insanity.
And the book tells me to drink is to die. And I started killing myself slowly and more slowly and more slowly. And for a guy like me, I I don't get lucky.
I don't get to be one of the people that dies. I'm somebody that if I went back to the drink, I would get to live a long time and a lot of pain. I'm convinced of that.
So I I end up at this AA meeting that night and they get up there at this podium and this guy starts talking and is telling his story. This guy Kenny that's in my home group to this day. I love Kenny.
And um he starts talking about how he feels in his gut and I get scared and I do what any newcomer would do. I run the heck out of that meeting before it's even over over and I go over I go over to my buddy's house and I grab a beer and I throw the first one back and I grab the second one. I don't even think I finished it because the only thing running through my mind is you are a loser.
You've been thrown out of college. You've got all these felonies hanging over your head. What What the heck is wrong with you?
Somebody said welcome to you tonight. Nobody says welcome to you anymore. You're such a loser.
and my family was leaving for the weekend and I'm I'm a grown man and I'm still living with and I moved back in with my parents, okay? I mean, it's a bad deal. And um and I'm and for anybody out there's living with your parents, I'm not saying that you're bad or anything like that cuz I said that at a conference one time and this guy comes up to me, he's like 33 and he goes, "I used to live with my mom." And I'm like, "Okay." You know, I'm like, "Sorry, man.
Didn't mean to say anything." Um but uh My parents leave and and I'm not a guy who got here through treatment. I'm not a guy who got here through through through being able to to go somewhere and dry out. I dried out that weekend and I went into the DTS and I threw up blood and I I couldn't keep anything down for 3 days because see by this time I'm drinking to the point where I'm starting to pass out.
And if you have to be able to earn a living, you need a little something else to keep you going throughout the day. So I I'm pumping all kinds of stuff into my system. I am a human vacuum of self-gratification is what I really am.
You know, because if I think that if I think it's going to make me feel good, I go and I just suck it right up. You know, my favorite drink is free, my favorite drug is what do you got? You know, I mean, if you think you tell me aspirin's going to get me off, I'm taking out stock and bear.
Okay. I'm like all over the place. I if I think a woman's going to make me feel better, boom, I'm on that deal.
If I think a new car is going to make me feel better, boom, I'm on that deal. A job, anything, something's going to make me feel better than the way I'm feeling right now, I'm going to grab it and I'm going to take it in. That's what I do.
I'm a vacuum of that stuff. I take it and I use it and it's and it's a bad deal. And and my sponsor, I I love the way he described it.
Here's the problem with a guy like me doing drugs. I do drugs like an alcoholic. Okay, a drug addict, they do their drugs and they and they do their little addicty drug ways, you know, and and they're pretty cool with it, you know, but an alcoholic starts doing drugs.
Have you ever seen the movie The Matrix? And and Morpheus reaches across and he goes, "Do you want the red pill or the blue pill?" I don't know what goes through your head, but in my head, I'm like, "Can I get three of those red pills?" You know, what happens if I take them both at the same time? You know, what's going to go on?
You know, I mean, that's what I start thinking. You know, that that's what happens in my head. I don't understand it, you know, and I don't think there's a chemist out there that can find better combinations than we come up with, you know?
Okay, I'm going to drink this fifth of tequila and I'm going to start getting a little sleepy, so I better take a handful of these and then oh, and then I'm going to get too wired, so I better smoke some of this and then then I'm going to get nauseous, so I better drink some more of this cuz I'm really going to be thirsty and I'm going to and I just run these scenarios from my head. I'm like, yeah, and then I'll be happy. You know, I don't anybody that has to concentrate that damn hard to be happy besides me, you know?
I'm the guy that looks for it. I will try whatever I can to twist it all together. And I end up going going and and and getting this this feeling as I'm as I'm sitting in my house and I don't know what I'm going to do cuz I know that if I go to work that there's beer in the shop and I'm going to drink.
So I So my parents would pick me up, pick their grown son up from work or I would stay in the job site and let them leave and they would come pick me up there cuz I knew if I went to the shop I'd drink. And I waited till that next Thursday. Now never mind.
I could have went to a hund other meetings during the week, but I'm waiting till the next Thursday because somebody there said welcome to me. And I walked into that meeting that Thursday and I had actually shaved some of the stuff off on the sides and and I put a baseball cap on, you know, and I came into that meeting broken, bruised, torn, and psychotic. The type of psychotic where you can't sleep because you're coming down off of everything.
And you've watched every infomercial on the planet where you can start reciting 800 numbers to people for Bowlex, Soloflex, uh that magic bullet, and all that other stuff that they have on there late at night. When you watch that stuff, that's me. I'm nuts by the time I come in there.
And I come walking up that sidewalk, that meeting, and there's a group of them. And for anybody who knows who them are, then you Yeah. You know who you know who they are.
The people that are happy, the AA people, the ones that say those things to you that make you want to tear their throat out. Like, keep coming back. It works.
Let go and let God. You better pray. Let go of your throat before you die.
You know, I mean, I hated AA and I hated the people in AA. They sucked because they were happy and they smile at you and they shake your hand and they say that like and some guy said, "Think think to me." And I swear this should have been a homicide that day because he just he's looking at me and they're saying these cutesy crap, you know, and they started winking at each other after they said, "Do you have a sponsor?" I'm like, "No, he doesn't have a sponsor." you know, and I'm like, "Oh, no. I ain't rolling like that." You know, I mean, we are not doing this deal, you know.
I'm I'm going to leave. You know, and this guy comes up to me and he shakes my hand and he says, "Welcome to the meeting. You were here last week." Right?
Now, if he would have taken a shot at me or if he would have said, "Oh, looks like you had happy fee last week." I'd have swung as hard as I could, he'd have been spitting chicklets and I you'd have somebody else standing here tonight. You know, the guy saved my life cuz he showed me kindness when I walked in the door. and he said, "Would you read how it works for us this evening?" And I'm sitting there going, "How what what in the hell are you talking about?" You know, and they're like, "Will you read this for us?" I said, "I don't know about you, but I'm all about attention." Um, so I said, "Okay, yes, I'll do that." And and that guy had to be my first sponsor.
And after the meeting, he comes up to me and he says, "You know, when you read How It Works Tonight, a light came on for me." And I really understood step eight. And I kind of puffed my shoulders up. I was like, I'll read every week if y'all want me to, man.
I'm all about saving people, you know? I'm like all excited. And he's like, no other newcomers need a chance.
And he's trying to usher me away from other people. Cuz he knew he had a live one, you know. And there's sponsor, sponsor, sponsor, sponsor, you know.
And I'm like, finally, I'm like, sponsor, sponsor, sponsor race cars. Hey, I'm broke. This guy's wearing a tie.
He gave me a business card that said craft on it. This guy's got to have I'm way behind on credit cards, man. You want to be my, you know, I'm I'm so I've got in my mind.
Somebody helps you out with your bills. They float you on a little bit, get you sober, give you some financial planning, you know, buy you some things, put you in a nice suit like they're wearing, you know, take you down to the tailor shop, you know, you get a car on a finance plan. Man, I mean, I I had the whole thing all down, you know, and uh I all I really learned is is that they yell at you and tell you to do things you don't want to do, make you go places that you don't want to be.
You know, we're going to go to the hospital tonight. Great. Thanks a lot.
You know, I'm going to go kill myself in the corner. Um and then after that, they say, "Hey, we're going to do these steps." And I'm like, "Man, I am not walking anywhere, okay? I want nothing to do with that crap.
I want nothing to do with it. You guys are too happy. And the So then I came up with a philosophy in AA.
They're really smoking dope. They got to be cuz there's no way in hell you can be happy and sober and doing that stuff. You can't marry those two up.
So I'm starting to hang around the guys that look like they'd be the dealers in the group, you know? So I'm like I'm like, "Hey, how you doing? So what are you guys doing tonight?" Fellowship.
Great. I'll be over there. Um how much do I need?
you know, I mean, I'm just I don't know what they're I don't know what they're doing. And they're going to coffee, you know? I hated coffee, you know?
And here's why I hated coffee. Cuz I drink it by the gallon and I try to sleep at night and I work construction. I have to be up at 5:00 in the morning.
So, I'm sitting there till 4 just shaking, you know, smoking cigarettes and I get an hour of sleep, wake up, hit the damn alarm, and I'm get out the road and I can't go to my sponsor told me I'd have to call him if I was going to call in sick to work. I'm like, I'm not calling that guy this morning. Screw him.
I'm going to work. And I go to work. And then he said, I want you to start making your bed.
I'm like, I am a grown man. I am not making my bed. And he said, why?
And I said, because you guys have me out drinking coffee every damn night and I can't sleep and I get into the bed and I finally pass out and I get up in the morning and I'm almost late for work and everything else and I'm not making my bed. So, I started making my bed and um cuz he told me to. at my home group.
We were we were ties ties on uh ties on the the our speaker meeting night and uh we were talking about a little bit earlier today. Oh, by the way, Judy, thanks for the gum. I don't know you're Judy.
Thank you for the gum. Appreciate it. I know that's completely random, but that's how I am.
It's noisy. Um, but so I I'm doing these things that these guys tell me to do and and they people say, "Well, why do you guys wear ties to your meeting?" And I said, "Well, it's because the meeting is open every week and people's families come in." And my sponsor looked at me one time and he said, cuz I was mad cuz I'm a construction worker, you know, and it's 90° and I'm shoveling concrete all day. And then they say, "Put your tie on and come to the meeting." You know, and I'm hot and sweaty and I'm like, "Why do I have to wear a tie?" And he said, "Well, you may be," and I pray to God this never happens, but you may be the only example of a somebody gets to see someday.
You may be the only example of a big book they ever get to see. So, if you're ever behind the podium, I want you in a tie. And at the night of your home group, I want you in a tie.
And I'm like, damn it. You know, I can't disagree with that. I might be I might be that guy someday.
And it scares me, but it might be true. I mean, it might happen. I might be the only example of the big book somebody gets to see.
So, I always have to be watching. I always have to be watching. And uh so now when people say, "Why do you wear a tie to your to your home group?" I just say, "Because my sponsor told me to, and so should you." And then I'm done.
I get tired of explaining things to people. Other things to do. And and I got to say something real quick.
When I said I drank too much tequila and and like peed in the corner, you can always tell who the Allenons are in the room when I say that because and you can tell the drunks are too because when I say and I got drunk and I peed in the corner. Drunks, they're laughing. They're like and the Allen, you see this look come over them.
They go, "Damn it. I had to clean that up." And um so I can always tell who they are in the room. It's just it's it's real easy for me to go, "Hey, I how you doing?" You know, so had to say that.
Um, and I got going in Alcoholics Anonymous. I got going with with this sponsor and I got going and and going to these roundups. Roundups.
I'm from North Dakota. Brothers don't do roundups. Okay?
We don't go rope calves and all that other stuff. I mean, we just don't do it. Okay?
and and I'm and I am not going to go do this roundup thing. Well, they say, "Well, roundup is where we go listen to AA speakers." And I'm like, "Great. How about after that we just take each other taking turns bashing each other's toes with a ballpeen hammer?
Sounds like a lot of fun. You know, I didn't want to go listen to AA speakers because I had to listen to my sponsor all the dang time." And he'd rope some other poor little sucker in and get him over there and he'd be like, "And why do we have a sponsor?" Sure. And I'd recite it because we need an unemotional point of view in our lives.
And I guide through the steps and blah blah blah blah blah blah. And he'd be brainwashing him. I'd be watching him do it.
And I'd watch that poor guy and I'm like, "Run, run while you can. They're going to make you do things." So, I got tired of a speakers uh right away. And um I was I was out doing Alcoholic Anonymous.
And I and and and I say this and some people just go and then old-timers fall over and have heart attacks. It's a terrible deal. But here it is.
At my home group, there was a thing that was said at that time when I where I first sobered up and it said, "Anybody willing to be a sponsor, raise your hand." I am exactly 12 days sober and I'm sitting next to my sponsor at the meeting and he elbows me and my arm goes up in the air. It's a reaction and this kid comes up to me with his pants down to here. Every other word is mother something.
And he and he's just wild and he's in the boys ranch and he goes, "I was wondering if you'd sponsor me." And I'm like, "Are you going to coffee?" I was already becoming them, you know. And I was like, and he was like, "Yeah." And I said, "I'll talk to you there." And I go up to my sponsor and I'm like, "I got to do this thing. This guy asked me to sponsor blah blah." He goes, "Say yes." And what he did is he sponsored that guy through me and he got me immediately working with another alcoholic.
Immediately doing that. And that guy, I was attached to that guy. And I was everywhere I went, he went.
If we were going to meeting, I was dragging him. I figure if I'm going to be tortured, so is he, you know, and we're going and we're going and we're going and we're going and we're going and I go out and I'm and and they had they wouldn't let you be alone with with the with the Boys Ranch kids so that you had to like there'd be a staff member like way off in the corner somewhere behind a cloak, you know, peering out, making sure you weren't telling them not to run or something. And I'm and and and I was good.
My sponsor would look at me and he'd say, "All right, I want you to we're going to go through the stuff in the book." And we'd go through the book. And I'd highlight and I'd get everything down. And as soon as I was done with that, I'd run over and I'd grab this guy and and I'd start going through the book with him immediately cuz it was fresh, you know.
And one day this this lady comes up to me and she goes, "My" She said, "You really seem to have a very good understanding of the program and of the big book." She goes, "How long have you been sober?" And I went, "About 9 weeks." And she her jaw hit the floor. I go, "Hey ladies, some of us just get catch on to this thing a little faster than others." And um and I'm doing AA and I'm going all over the place. But the problem is is I've got this little thing that crept up within me.
It's a nasty word, judgment. I don't know if anybody knows about that, but um it's starting to eat on me a little bit. And I'm doing the steps and I did my fourth step and I did my fifth step and and I'm not saying that that way was wrong, but at the end of my fifth step, we burned my fourth step, which was really interesting when I got to the eighth step when it says, referring back to our list, I'm like, "Oh, hell, I got to think that stuff again, you know?" So, we burned my first fourstep and and um and I'm and I'm out there and I'm doing all this stuff in AA and I'm starting to get some some success in Alcoholics Anonymous and and I and I am just getting so dang wonderful that I'm getting ready to float right out of Alcoholics Anonymous by the time I'm about 8 years sober.
I'm just insane in the middle of AA. On the outside, I look like the poster child of Alcoholics Anonymous and I I was sponsoring 10 guys and I'm speaking at this conference and I'm the co-chairman of the state roundup. I'm the past chairman of the Intergroup and I'm doing all this stuff and I've got my AA resume anytime you want to hear it.
Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. You know, I got it on it's it's on repeat. I'm ready to rattle it off for you because if somebody says anything to me, I said, "You can't say anything like that to me." Last time I checked, kept score.
You don't sponsor enough people to say that to me, so you're off the list. Uh-huh. You know, next time I checked, you only went to two meetings a week.
You can't say anything to me. And what I'm doing is I'm slowly cutting myself off and slowly walking out of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I don't even see it happening.
And I am and I am completely disconnecting myself from other people because of this stupid three-letter word you keep talking about called God. I hate the word God because I've got this Old Testament idea. My dad's a Southern Baptist, remember?
I'm the the the confirmation kid, remember? And I get this idea of God, the Old Testament idea of God, hell, fire, and brimstone. You know, you sin, haha, drowned.
You know, that's how I see God. You get too powerful, he sends a woman in to destroy you and cut off all of your hair. That's God.
God is evil because he allows bad things to happen. Earthquakes, God's everything. Guess what?
You just killed 5,000 people. Congratulations, God. I hope you like it.
That's what I came into AA with. And that's what I kept in AA for almost eight years. But I'm the guy in the meetings.
I'm the guy in the meetings that when you come into the meeting, I'm talking about this spiritual program of action that reconnects you with the power that we're disconnected from the power as it tells me in we agnostics because see God blessed me with a high IQ. So I can remember a lot of things. I read it.
I remember it. I can see it. I can see the words.
So I'm rattling it off because I don't want to be known as a guy who's not spiritual in a See, I you can't you can't not believe in God and stay here. So, I'm pretending I'm pretending to believe in something I don't believe in. I'm pretending as I sit in meetings to have a connection and talking about my connection when I'm about as connected as the moon is to us right now.
I feel that far away from it. And I'm sitting there and I'm on my knees in the morning and I'm still praying to the ceiling. And I'm on my knees in the morning cuz my sponsor told me I had to be.
And I'm on my knees at night cuz he told me I had to be. And I'd say that third step prayer me. Thanks.
You know, I'm going to go kill myself. You know, I'm suicidal and I'm 8 years sober. And I'm turning into an animal and alcoholic synonymous, but not in meetings because you see me at meetings.
So instead, by the time I by the time I get sober and uh I meet this I meet this girl and uh I love my wife and we have a little girl. We have a daughter. My daughter is um my daughter's unbelievable because she looks like her mom and not me.
Um, and um, and I'm the kind of guy that comes home and they're paying for me not having a relationship with God. They're paying for it. They're walking on eggshells.
And my ba a pipe got broke or something and my basement floods out. And uh, and I'm eight years sober. I got my AA resume right here.
It's it's right here. You know, the scoreboard is right here. And and I and I can't and I can't put my finger on what the problem is because I see I do it all.
I'm on the hotline list. I take the calls at 2 in the morning. I do all the stuff.
And then I get to be mad at God. And I'm like, God, what is your deal? Why am I like this sober?
Cuz see, I don't have anything to blame it on. I don't have anything to blame it on. And my pipe breaks in my basement and then the toilet the toilet plugs upstairs.
And my wife, she bought those damn designer plungers, you know, the ones that are pretty and match the bathroom, but they don't plunge for crap. You know, it's like if you ever need She threw away my big nasty black with a cup thing on the bottom that you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose with, you know, I mean that plunger. She throws that away and she gets the designer one because it matches the wallpaper trim.
Okay. And the toilet plugs. And I'm sitting there in this bathroom and I'm plunging with this plunger.
And I'm plunging and she goes, "Do you want?" She goes, "Just" she goes, "Why don't you let me try? I have pretty good luck with it." And I'm like, "Okay, fine. Whatever you do, don't flush the toilet." She plunges like four and a half times and hits the flushes the toilet.
And I turn 8 years sober, active member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I grab my wife and I throw her across the bathroom into the door right in front of my daughter. And my wife is a strong woman. And she looks at me and she takes my daughter and she goes in the other room.
I'm sober and aa. And I throw my I throw my wife across the bathroom. And this is the guy that when I grew up in a household there was a lot of that stuff.
And and one day my parents are literally in a fist fight. And I throw my mom. I'm I'm big by now.
And I throw my mom to one side. I throw my dad the other. I look at him.
I said, "You're terrible parents and I'll never be anything like you." And I'm sitting there at that moment just like them. And I'm destroyed. I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
Two days later, a day later, I'm sitting on the couch and I'm just I'm just shattered. I'm sitting on the couch. My little girl who I love jumps on my lap and her knee hits me on the thigh and she just comes running.
She goes, "Daddy." and jumps on my lap. And I grab her by the shoulders and I scream in her face and I shake her. And I end up in my den that night rolling over the revol rolling over the revolver on my 357 loaded wondering if I should kill myself or not.
That's what I get with no God. That's what I get pretending to not have pretending to have God. That's what I get in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I'm in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous in the program. And I think there's a big difference between being in the program and being in the fellowship. And I was at a conference and I love the way Sandy said it.
He said, "I've never watched anybody leave the program of AA, but I've watched a lot of people walk out of the fellowship." And see, I had a program. So no matter what, if you have a program, you can fall down and you can scrape yourself up. And there's a program there to catch you to ref back on and and get to the point what my sponsor calls a second surrender in Alcoholics Anonymous.
You can get there if you have a program. If all you have is a fellowship, if that's all you have and you don't have a program to lie back on, you could end up being one of those people to get to just get to disappear and walk right out of it because the fellowship has people and the program has God and people are fallible and he is not. So I had I had something there and I had a connection that I didn't realize that I had not in not because of me but in spite of me.
There was something taking care of me. And what I learned was is and we agnostic. It says deep down in every man, woman, and child is the fundamental idea of God.
It says deep down. So it's in there. It's sitting in my gut.
It's there. And that hole is there. But the thing is is that that that's a God-shaped hole.
It's a God-shaped hole I have in my gut, but I but it but God See, he doesn't fit there. See, because because this money will fit in there, and that'll fill it up. It's nice and big, and lots of it fills that hole in good.
And as soon as I bend over, it falls out. It's not a God-shaped. It's a car-shaped hole.
A new car will fill the hole. It's a woman-shaped hole. It's a job-shaped hole.
It's a gambling shaped hole. It's a shaped hole that only God fills. And I'm sitting there trying to fill it, but deep down inside of me, the answer was there.
So, I have to dig. And archaeologists, they're they're amazing. They dig down and they dig and they dig and they dig and they get down to the treasure and then they brush it off and they clean it up and they bring it up and the world gets to enjoy it.
And so when I got to dig down and grab that thing and I got that thing that's God and I got to put it in that hole, it filled it up and the world gets to enjoy it. Which means that my wife doesn't have to walk on eggshells. Means my little girl doesn't get screamed at in her face.
It means it means that those things that I was and those things that I was doing don't get to happen when there's a God in that hole. And it was kind of a funny thing because I I I still have this hang-up. I got this hang-up about about this God thing.
And my hang-up is my big problem is the big situation is is that he's sitting there and I know that he's still attached to all those bad things. He's attached to the earthquakes and the rapists and the molesters and everything else because God is everything. He's not attached to any of those things.
See, in my mind, I get to choose my own conception of God. The book tells me no matter how limited it is. Well, I don't think mine's really limited because I have an ego and I think mine's best and better than everybody else's.
Um, but uh I'm just kidding. I really don't think that. So, I think that anything that's good is God and anything that's not good is because there's selfish people like me out there that won't do his will and they choose to take those bad actions.
I believe a little bit in karma. I do because other I was flying out to to go to a to another conference and I was out there and and there was a there was a old couple and they were trying to put their their baggage up in the their their carry-on up and there was there was no space. So I took my carryons out and put them under my legs for 3 and 1/2 hours, you know, and I'm sitting there and it was really I felt really spiritual for about 45 minutes and after that I got resentful.
Um and and they were thanking me and they were like, "Oh, thank you so much." And I'm like, "Hey, no problem. Don't worry about it." You know, other people around me are like, "Wow, that was really nice of you." And see the difference is is that when I hear when I used to hear stuff like that and when I when I'm not connected and I hear stuff like that and I go, "Well, you know, when I'm connected and I hear stuff like that, I close my eyes real briefly for a second and I say, "Look what your hand has done." Because anything that's good that comes from me is not of me. It is of God.
Anything that's good that comes from me. Me. I'm the guy that's irritable, restless, and discontent.
Me. Me. I'm the guy that stomps on people's faces till they need until they need corrective surgery.
Me. I'm the guy that kicks people's front doors in. Me.
That's me. Those things were not God. Those things were me not doing his will.
And um I got a chance to slowly start to pull out of the judgment. I got a chance to slowly start start dismantling the judgment machine as my sponsor calls it. And I'll tell you some interesting things happened.
My AA scoreboard went away. And that's really an interesting thing because the problem with my A scoreboard is is that you can't see it, but I know it. And it's clicking off right up here.
It's just rolling over. It keeps and and you are always at zero and I'm clicking and I'm going, well, no, no. See, you don't.
No. And I got it. And it's running.
It's like a slot machine that hit me bucks. You know, the thing's rolling off and I got it up here. I know the score.
And I know the score. And I know the score. And I know the score.
And when the scoreboard gets to go away is when I'm doing somebody else's will besides my own. And that doesn't mean that I do it all the time. You know, I it's I I struggle in Alcoholics Anonymous sometime to not to be connected.
Sometimes there's days that I'm so connected that I mean, I've got God's ray beam shooting out of my butt, you know? I'm just floating through the day, you know, newcomer. You've got God, you know?
I mean, I'm doing all that stuff. I look like a southern like one of those evangelists, you know, coming through. Sometimes those days are dangerous for me, you know, because I forget.
Doesn't everybody have him like you? You know, no. No.
Those are the days that I have to really be careful. Those are the days. So, I have to find a balance.
I have to find a balance of being humble enough to accept the will of something other than myself. And um you know, I've I've had a I've had a lot of bad stuff happen to me in AA. Just a ton of it.
I uh my my daughter almost died at birth, you know, and my my wife ends up having a heart problem. We go in, she gets a little procedure done and it goes wrong and she has to get a pacemaker. And then my father-in-law just just recent just in the last year and a half got pancreas cancer and and they had to live in my house and I live in a twin home.
I came and my mother-in-law that North Dakota's rural and Fargo has the best doctors in the state so they're staying with me. It's a twin home, three bedrooms. It is not built for five people.
So, I got to live I got to live live complete love intolerance while that was going on. And I'm getting snitty because I can't watch the TV program I I'm going through. He's got he's going through chemo, you know, and I'm sitting there going, "Damn it, I want to watch Grace Anatomy, you know, and uh and he's watching old war movies and I can't stand them.
They're in black and white." And I don't if I see one river over Inuima one more time, I swear to God I'm killing somebody, you know. And I'm just and I'm sitting there in that house and all and I call my sponsor. I'm likeah and he goes, "I'm sorry, Kelvin.
Are you going through chemo?" And I go, "Oh, damn. Okay, gotcha." And I'm sitting through another one of those freaking war movies just smiling, you know? I don't like John Wayne in those war movies either.
And I got I had like a resentment. and I had to do like some work on it, you know. I'm like, he is not a good actor at all.
Not even close. And his action scenes are like, you know, I mean, it's terrible. Why would you watch that crap, you know?
And he's sitting there smiling and I'm like, it's like pulling teeth. Just shove bamboo slits under my nails, please. You know, so I'm learning.
I'm learning. I'm growing and I'm doing the deal. And um I'll tell you uh AA shows up for me.
I also got my leg got hurt about five years ago in AA and I I blew an Achilles. I was misdiagnosed. Long story short, I almost I had seven surgeries in 5 months and almost lost my leg from the knee down.
And people in AA came to my house and scrub the floors in my house because that's what I do at home. My, you know, I have my my wife does a lot of things and I have some certain things. I I I iron clothes and and I scrub the floors and I and I do some things like that.
That's part of what I do. And the Allenons bow to you. Thank you very much.
Uh oh, you're not Alanons. Okay, then you're really sick. Um and uh but that's the things I do.
And members of A showed up at my house and scrub the floors at my house. My driveway didn't have a flake of snow on it the whole winter. My lawn has never never looked better.
I haven't been able to get my lawn looking as good as they did, you know, during that time. And and it was it was a bad deal. And AA showed up and they and I was in the hospital for long periods and they'd show up and they'd have meetings with me in the hospital and and it was it was amazing.
It was amazing how AA shows up. It's amazing how it shows up. And um and I this is a place that I didn't want to be.
It's a place when the people came up and smiled at me that I hated. It's a place today that I get to live in a uh in a grace that is not of me. It's a place I get to live today when when I wake up in the morning and I read 86, 87, and 88.
And I and it's funny, one of the things that's funny about the steps and not until step 10 does it tell me that I get my will back. It says you do these things cuz it's the proper use of the will. I'm like, "Oh, so I get my will back in step 10." The first place it tells me I get my own thinking back is step 11.
It says, "If you do things like this, then your thoughts will be out throughout the day can be this." And it tells me that I get to get my thinking back in step 11. And the thing that's also funny is the shortest paragraph in the book is on page 88 and it says, "It works. It really does." And I'm a guy who didn't think anything would ever work for me, but it tells me it works.
It really does. So today I live I uh I'm not a construction worker anymore. I I have a job that is I I still I wake up most mornings and I wonder how the heck I'm doing it.
I I sell copers and uh and I and I manage an office for the for the state of North Dakota and I manage the state of North Dakota and I and I and I do that and it's and it and it's just crazy. I mean, I and I have people that that work for me and and it's like they you I'm I'm I'm building people and teaching them how to sell and doing all this stuff and it's and it's unbelievable and and I'm not the guy and I'm the guy that can't wake up in the morning to go into work. Okay, that's me.
And today I'm doing something completely different. Today my mine and my wife's marriage have never been better, you know. And uh we just had Valentine's Day and I uh came in from I came in from the meeting on on Tuesday night after the the Yahoo 3 posi over here decided they were going to drive to Oregon.
And um and I come walking in and and uh and I look over at the table and I and I see the stuff in the table, but I'm going to pretend I don't see it in the morning cuz when my little girl wakes up, she runs out there and she grabs my hand and she pulls me over the table and her and my wife had made brownies. like I need more brownies. But they they they had made brownies and cut little hearts with cookie cutters out of these brownies.
I can't believe that, you know. And at home and I get on my knees to pray, my uh my little girl gets on her knees next to me and I I bought her a little book for Christmas. Not an AA book.
Thank God. Please, no AA book. Um but uh but I got her this I got her this little kids Bible, you know, and she she reads her little book right next to me in the morning and and uh on the weekends when I wake up sometime I like to sleep till about to about 8:30 if I can.
And uh and she'll crawl into bed next to me and I wake up open up and I look at her and she gets close to me. She goes, "Daddy." And I go, "What?" She goes, "Your breath stinks. So, I know I got to go brush my teeth.
And um during the week, I have I have guys that I sponsor that that call me in the morning, right as I'm getting ready for work. They call me between 6:45 and 7:15 in the morning. So, I get to awaken into consciousness and service of someone else.
If you're in here tonight and um and you you don't have a sponsor, for God's sakes, please get one. Please get one. Look for one of them.
one of them. One of those people that are coming up and shaking your hand. Somebody that's holding one of these, preferably one of these big books.
If you're new and you don't know what this is, it's a big book. And uh the program is in there. The fellowship is out here, but the program's in here.
And if you're going to have a chance to stay in here, it's it's funny. And I and I'm not a guy who likes to to read stuff out of the book uh from the podium, but I I really I don't like to mess this up. It says, "If we failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead.
If he did not work, he would surely drink again. And if he drank, he would surely die." Then faith would be dead indeed. With us, it is just like that.
And I love the simplicity of that because it tells me that I need to be in here doing work in here, working with other alcoholics in here. Otherwise, when the stuff happens, I'm not going to be able to stay. And it and and I love in the book when it when it says on the occasions that it says it of that faith without works is dead.
See, I think and and this is my experience. One of the worst things that was said to me was pray about it. You know, that was the everybody's answer that seemed to be around me.
They was said, "Oh, just pray about it. Just pray about it." If I'm just praying about it, if I'm just praying about not gambling because I'm not I'm a guy who can't gamble. If I'm just praying about not gambling and I'm still walking over to the dang blackjack table, it's not going to work.
I have to have the works. The faith part of it is the prayer. If I keep taking the action, it's the works part of it that I str that I have to do, too.
If I say, "God, I want to get up for work in the morning and then I'm hitting the snooze seven times." I'm not doing the works. So you can pray all you want, but if you're not doing the works, it's not going to matter because the prayer will not connect with it. And then the combination of the two will not create recovery.
The faith and the works creates the recovery. And that that was one of the things that I never thought was going to be possible for me is I was going to be able to have recovery here. I didn't think I was ever going to have the ability to be able to live here and look people in the eye and not have to be afraid.
I didn't know that when I came to AA when they told me to go shake newcomers hands and I didn't want to do it and they said he said go shake people's hands. I don't want to shake their hands. I don't know him and that guy smells.
He said you smelled when you got here. Go shake his hand. And I go shake that guy's hand.
My entire existence and and the way I earn money today is walking into random people's offices that I don't know that may smell and shake their hands. I didn't know what I was getting taught to do was to be able to be a salesman. you know, for any newcomers out there, there's perks.
Um, no. So, I I got a I got a chance to learn and I get a chance to live and I get a chance to love here, you know. Um, the book tells me that the love and tolerance of others is our code.
And I used to say that that was good because that allowed me to be able to to tolerate you. And I think that that that the opposite of that is true. That's in the book.
So that people can to can love and tolerate me. It means that no matter how judgmental, no matter how self-righteous, no matter how smuggly superior I've been to other people throughout my existence in Alcoholics Anonymous, that I have a program that can reconnect me with them and that can reconnect me with God. And um I'm going to close up here and uh I really I just really want to thank the committee for giving me the honor and the privilege of being able to come here.
Um you have a beautiful state. You have beautiful people here. Um, I want to thank Alcoholics Anonymous for a life that uh a life that is beyond anything that I could have ever asked for or imagined.
And I want to thank uh I want to thank a God that I did not that I did not understand, that I did not know for for when I'm doing his will for existing within me. Because the book tells me that I'll be taken care of if I do his work well. And if you do his work well, it works.
It really does. It's all God. Thanks.
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