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We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Hey, this thing's playing. might be a better talk than I'm going to give if you want to just put that up for the microphone.

Hi everybody. I'm Charlie Parker. I'm an alcoholic.

I'm visiting from the primary purpose group in Austin, Texas. My sobriety date is March 22nd of 1985. And that that's the most important thing that's ever happened in my life.

I I'm honored to be here. I want to thank Stephanie and uh the the legend of Mickey and Colleen. I I've still never met him, but I um but I I I want to thank anybody that had anything to do with me being here.

It's always a an honor to uh to be asked to speak at an AA meeting. And um it's funny, you know, they said uh they said to wear a tie and I always wear a coat and tie when I'm behind, at least when I start off, I wear a coat and tie from behind the podium. out of respect for AA and and our history and stuff, but I mean the bulk of my history and bulk of my experience in a coat and tie, usually when I put it most of my memory when I put on a coat and tie, my job is to stand there and say, "No contest, your honor." You know, I mean, that's just my experience, you know.

I mean, that's that's what I'm hoping to talk about tonight. I uh um I never know what I'm going to talk about. I uh um but I hope to get around to the uh just describe a little bit to you about the love affair I have with the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I uh I like to qualify. Um I uh I grew up in Dallas, Texas. I come from a really normal family.

Um, I mean, I know normal is a setting on a washing machine, but I've I've heard enough to know that that a lot of people had it a lot worse than I had it. I mean, I don't blame I don't blame my alcoholism on the way I grew up. I don't blame my alcoholism on any outside circumstances, but I grew up, you know, during the baby boom in a pretty regular household.

And, uh, the only I mean, my sister, can y'all hear me? Okay. >> My sister was perfect.

I don't know um about if anybody else experienced that but and my mother was a first grade school teacher and so um 42 years my mother was a first grade school teacher so uh I was really well prepared for the first grade uh you know I mean when I and and I I kind of kicked ass you know I mean all the way all the way up to like you know fifth grade I held it together pretty good you know but um but I grew up. I don't know if anybody else grew up under the burden of potential, but uh I was my whole life I was told about, you know, why don't you live up to your potential? Why can't you be more like Charles Malier across the street?

And um in my mind, I was thinking, you know, I'm really not holding back that much, you know? I mean um um but but I uh I went along and you know I used to I didn't take my first drink of alcohol until I was 16 years old. And you know, I sobered up in 85 and I I used to think 16 was kind of young to get started drinking, you know, and and nowadays it's not even young to stop, you know?

I mean, it's like I don't know about in Phoenix, but it it seems like in Texas, you know, people are picking up desire chips at like eight, you know? I mean, you know, you're like, "Oh, are you looking for your parents?" And no, I'm here for a 90-day chip, you know. Welcome, welcome.

You know, and I I ain't busting on anybody. Much love for the young people in AA. I mean, I I really I started drinking when I was 16, and I didn't really need this program until I was probably 17, but uh but I I didn't come in when I was 17.

And you know, and I rocked along. You know, we talk about I talk about being an alcoholic. Um, our book says I'm I'm a little bit of a big book thumper.

I'm an unapologetic big book thumper and I'll probably get to that later about the way that came about, but I might as well tell you now. Um, not that part. But during my talk, I will say I'll get to that later.

You know, I'll say something and I go, "Oh, but I'll get to that later." what that means. All that means is that this is an inappropriate time in the talk to talk about that piece. But when I say I'm going to get back to it later, I'm not coming back to it.

You know, I uh my brain is like Grand Central Station, you know, and every thought that comes into it, I got to take for a ride, you know, but but I'll do my best, you know. But sometimes when I say I'm going to get back to it, there's about a 10% shot, you know. Um, but you know, our book says the first requirement is that we fully concede to our innermost selves that we're alcoholic.

And in order for that to take place, I mean, there's a lot to said in that statement. First of all, I got to know what it means to be an alcoholic. And second, there's a big difference.

The longest journey you'll ever take in recovery is from up here to right here. and fully conceded to my innermost self is a lot different from when I first came into the program and said, "Well, yeah, I must be alcoholic. I mean, I drink every day.

All the people I know drink every day. I've had a lot of trouble as a result of drinking." Um, that I will get to later. But um you know what it means when I say I'm an alcoholic and what the way it's beautifully described in the first 53 pages of this book is that I have a body that reacts funny to alcohol.

Uh when I drink it ain't regular. There's something that happens inside of me that only happens in about 10% of the population. There's only about 10% of the people that even have the potential to become alcoholics.

And what it means is that when I take a drink, it triggers a craving inside of me that I got no control over. And I can't tell you if I took a drink standing up here tonight, I couldn't tell you how long I'm going to drink, when I'm going to stop, or what's going to happen with any predictability. Not my worst problem, though.

I mean, because I always say if if my biggest problem was my reaction to alcohol, detox centers would turn out winners. You with me? Yeah.

I mean, if my biggest problem was alcohol, I would have only had to stop drinking one time. My problem is that I've always been sober when I make that decision to take the first drink. So, the craziest thing that ever happens in my life happens when I'm stone cold sober.

So, that's it. You know, that's if if you don't get anything else out of my talk and you're new tonight, get that what it means to be alcoholic doesn't mean that he got a DWI. It doesn't mean I've been to jail, she left, I lost the house, lost the car, lost the job, all that stuff.

What it means is that I've got a physical allergy coupled with a mental obsession. And it's those two things working together because that that make me an alcoholic. And one is that I can't drink regular.

And the other is that I got a mind that's always going to make me drink. That's the shortest version I can tell. What's so beautifully put forth in this book is that I get stuck once I lost the choice of power of the power of choice and control.

I was stuck in a cycle where I was going to drink until I had to stop and then I would stop until I had to drink. And if that makes sense to you, that's really bad news, you know, because uh because you know, there's really there's no good news in step one. I mean, you know, if and I sit down with a guy, a new guy, you know, and I spend an hour or so describing step one.

And if he's not scared and depressed, he's either not alcoholic or he's psychotic and we can't help him, you know. I mean, but because this would really be an awful program, but they say doctors don't like to tell us the nature of our disease. They definitely didn't like to back in the 30s because they didn't have a solution until these guys came along and that wrote this book.

But we got a solution. So, goes, "This would really be a crappy program if I got up here and said, okay, for you new guys, here's the deal. You got a body that doesn't react regular to alcohol.

It's, you know, it's never going to be predictable. It's always going to get worse. It's never going to get better.

But that's not the worst part. The worst part is your brain is going to always convince you that's a good idea to have a drink. Really sorry, you know, you know, try to have a nice day, you know, but but that's what it means, you know, when it says fully conceived our innermost cells that that were alcoholic.

You know, when when the doctor's opinion when he says men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol, that one always makes me giggle a little bit cuz I mean, can you tell that the doctor was not an alcoholic? He loved us. He helped a lot of us.

But if one of us had written that, don't you think we'd have said something with a little more ump than like the effect produced by alcohol, you know? I mean, I like banana pudding, you know? I mean, I love the effect produced by alcohol, you know, and so I mean, for most of us and for my myself included, the first time I took a drink of alcohol was a very, very big day in my life.

I mean, I just I remember thinking, "Oh, we're going to do this a lot." You know, uh, you know, I mean, because, you know, we use a lot of unfamiliar terms in Alcoholics Anonymous. We use a lot of I don't know for you new guys know exactly I don't ever want to forget what it's like to be new in this program. Everybody in this room whether it's um somebody with 40 years or 40 hours everybody in Alcoholics Anonymous has had day one.

We all know what it's like to come in scared to death, completely powerless and not know how to get through one day without taking a drink. You know, it's not like some of us came in on an accelerated program or something, you know? I mean, it's it's I don't ever want to forget what that feels like.

But when we come in, there's a Did anybody else feel like they were speaking a foreign language when you come in here? You know, it's like Mr. Bill and Dr.

Bob and this doctor's got an opinion and this doctor's got a nightmare and you know, I mean, what the hell? And you know, if you're having trouble with your four, go back to your three cuz it could be your one. And when you get up to eight and nine, you're going to need a strong one.

and you know and and uh but one of the terms they talk about and they don't talk about it till you get up to about page 63 in the book 62 I think where they talk about a spiritual malady um that term always had a lot of trouble wrapping my brain around but I had a black hole inside of me from as far back as I can remember it went back easily to elementary school I had a hole inside of me that made me feel separate from everybody else made me feel less than, made me feel different, made me feel like I had to outperform you to feel in any way equal to you and uh I just never really felt like I was a part of it. Most people in AA know what that's like, you know, I mean that term to me that's the spiritual malady and that's what's driving that mental obsession that drives me back to drinking, triggering that phenomenon of craving, creating all that havoc in my life over and over again. There was a time when my drink had worked really well and uh it was going really good and then like most of us I started losing the power of choice and control and you know I I'm not I'm going to try to speed through the drinking part of my story, but I I got I started getting you know it started off real fun and with very little bad effects.

Then I started having bad effects. Then I started having a lot of bad effects and a little fun and then you know trying to recreate the way it had been for me when I was 17, 18, 19 years old. Um, you know, little stuff like left a bar in a blackout one night and and uh came out of a blackout after an impact and uh the fender was sticking up at an odd angle.

And the short version of the story is I grabbed my shoes and I went running back to the bar and I saw cops out there looking at this car that I'd run into. I'm running under the trees to get back to the bar so I can report the car stolen. And um and uh so but as I'm driving past, two cops are there with a flashlight and there's glass all on the ground and I'm I remember thinking, "My god, they got here fast." And I'm, you know, as I'm running with my sneakers in my hand and and so the next day they said, "Are you, Mr.

Parker, you're going to have to take a polygraph test before you can pick your car up." And I said, "Well, why is that?" And they said, "Well, it was involved in an accident before it was reported stolen." So, you've got to be kidding. And he says, "No, they ran into a parked police car." And I remember thinking, "That explains how they got there so fast." you know, cuz I've been a little foggy on that one, you know, but we talk about we talk about our lives being saved and changed by seconds and inches. And you know, if those two cops had been standing there, which is, you know, you'd probably have a different speaker tonight, you know, and you I had a lot of breaks like that.

You know, the stuff went poorly in some situations, but it could have gone a hell of a lot worse, you know, as it started to unravel for me. Um, it's I like to say it started getting a little sloppy, you know. I mean, it got to where people didn't want to see me around and and uh I started encouing charges, you know, and it it starts really looking sloppy on paper and uh you know what happened.

But I like to tell one story when I talk about the loss of choice and control. I was very very fond of pawn shops. I loved pawn shops.

Uh it's such a pure equation, you know? I mean, you just you walk in there and you hand them the deer rifle and they give you the money and you walk out. You know, I've never had a pond broker go, "Jesus, Charlie, what are you going to do with this money?" you know, or uh you know, or uh weren't you just in here this morning?

You know, uh you know, it's always in and out, you know, and now there's the weak part of that deal is that I didn't own a lot of stuff. So, I was forced to pawn stuff that didn't belong to me. And and and that creates hard feelings.

Uh and and uh but I had a plan, you Well, I mean, I was a smart guy, you know, and and you had like 90 days to get everything out of the palm shop. And so I would try to pull a scam every 90 days. And you know what?

But talk about things starting to go badly. I I I remember one time I came out of a five-day blackout. Um I don't remember a thing from a five-day period.

And uh I had pulled a scam that was going to get everything out of the pawn shop. And when I came out of this blackout, I was at my mother's house. I should tell you that I was so poorly treated as a child that um I finally ran away from home for good at the age of 28.

And uh um I mean it never went back. and uh uh and you know, but I came out of this blackout sitting on the edge of the bed at my mother's house and I had eight bucks in my pocket and I had this gangster wad of pawn tickets, you know? I mean, I hadn't gotten a damn thing out of the pawn shop and I just remember going, "Oh, no." You know, cuz I shot my wad getting the the money that was supposed to get it out and I got nothing.

You know, I mean, I got there. And so I had to go to my father. My dad was a good man.

He worked hard for the stuff. Nobody was giving him his stuff. And I'd have to go to my dad and go, "Dad, if we act now, I can get you a really good deal on all of your stuff." You know, but but if we wait till tomorrow, it's all retail, you know, and and And I should also tell you I'm a big guy, you know, I ride Harley's, all that stuff.

I'm also likely to cry like a little girl in a pink dress up here at the podium. And this story hits me hard sometimes. So I I I have to kind of tell it like it's a joke or I'll just start blubbering up here cuz what I'd have to do was get in the car with my dad.

And this was in Dallas, Texas. Dallas a big town like Phoenix, you know. So, I mean, it wasn't we're just going to go to the pawn shop.

It was we got to go over to Buckner Boulevard and get your deer rifle. Then, we got to go out to Harry Hind and get the metal detector, and then I left a shotgun over in Oak Cliff, and then we need to go over on Harry Hines to get the sterling silver. And and and it was all day in the car with me and my dad and all that shame.

And the most important thing the about that story is that when we were riding along, I would say, "Dad, I am so sorry." You know, as we're riding along, I would go, "Dad, I swear to God, I will never do this again." And if I was lying to that guy, I didn't know it because I meant it with every fiber of my being. That's what I'm talking about when I talk about the loss of choice and control. I wasn't getting loaded because I like to party anymore.

I couldn't not get loaded because when I would swear to my dad that I wasn't going to do it anymore, I would hit his h his house like a cat burglar within 48 hours of that day, you know, and I'd be in the back door to his house and it just be like that and off we go to the pawn shop, you know, and we the short version of the story, if that's possible at this point, is uh me and my dad made the rounds of the pawn shops three times before I got sober. And uh I was that whole time I was fixing to go to treatment. You know, I was about to go to treatment for 9 months.

And uh so I know what it's like to be kind of wanting to sort of maybe think about starting to quit, you know, and and uh you know, because next week is a good time to go to treatment, you know. I mean, when you think about it and and sometimes when it'd get really bad, by God, I'm going to go tomorrow, you know? I mean I mean well it's probably tomorrow afternoon but uh uh but you know and then but it had been a long time since I'd been cool.

You know I always like to tell a story. I was out at this treatment center that I I do a lot of work at and this guy was there and he was getting discharged like the next day, you know, and just as full of crap as a Christmas turkey and, you know, and just get and they're getting ready to put him on the street, you know, and and and we're talking. He goes, he goes, you know, man, he says, they're telling me I got to do this and I got to do that, but you know, I ain't going to do I'm kind of slick, man.

So I I ain't going to do it like that and I got my own ideas. I said, hold up, pal. Hold up just a second.

You know, I said, "Look, when you call me from Manhattan and you're up in a penthouse and you're partying with Donald Trump and Puff Daddy or whatever he calls himself this month, you know, and you got the New York Giants cheerleaders up there with you and stuff, you know, we'll talk about how slick you are, you know, but when you cash when you check yourself into the Austin Recovery Center, you kind of cash in all your slick chips, you know. I mean, it's like, you know, but but that's it, you know. I mean, that's, you know, when it talks about that I don't really my alcoholic life seems like the only normal one.

I had no idea how far down the scale I'd gone because everybody I knew drank like I did. My mother would say, "You drink every day." And I'd think, "Well, yeah, you know, I mean, what everybody I know drinks every day. Why wouldn't you drink every day?

You know, I mean, and but if you're like me, people want to talk to you about your drinking. You know, when when when you drink like I do, people always want to talk to you about your drinking. The most important thing that happens in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous though from the the first day in 1934 up to today, the most important thing that takes place in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is that it's one alcoholic talking to another one.

That's the way our program started. That's the way it works best today. Because in in my book, it says for the al for a message to interest and hold an alcoholic, it's got to have depth and weight.

And what they're mean is don't come at me with some halfbaked, halfassed, you know, understanding of what we do and why we do it. Because people would always want to talk to me about my drinking that didn't understand what it did for me. I mean, because I would sit there and I know about that black hole I got in there and I'm thinking, "Okay, I understand.

From where you're sitting, it probably looks like, you know, I I drank too much and sometimes I overshoot the mark a little bit. Uh, you know, and I'll wreck the car. or I lose the job or I lose the house or she moves out or whatever.

But if you understood what that does for me inside, you wouldn't be coming at me with silly crap like you need to stop drinking. You know, I AA was the first place I'd ever been where I was around people that had drank like I had that knew how to that that had stopped and seemed happy about it. And you know, they had a they had a solution.

Well, fast forward a few years, I skipped over a lot of stuff I usually talk about, but hopefully by now you figured out that I was a I should say I'm just one other thing about my drinking from that time when I was 16 years old. It would be real macho to stand up here and say that I drank whiskey and did outside substances every day until the day that I sobered up. But that that wouldn't necessarily be true.

But what is the absolute truth that I can promise you with everything I got is that from that day at 16 years old until the day I sobered up in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I never turned down the opportunity to get loaded one time under any circumstances for any reason. There was never one time where you would hold something out and I'd go, "Oh, um, no. you see uh it's my mother's birthday and uh you know I I really or I I have to be somewhere in in February or you know or you know something like you know it was just all bets are off.

I was completely powerless over over not doing anything. Well, I like to talk a little bit about what happened when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous because I've been in the program 22 years. I've had I've had a lot of that time.

Uh, in fact, I was in it for 10 and a half months before that. I had a relapse at 10 and a half months and then I sobered up on March 22nd of 84 and my sobriety date is now March 22nd of 85. It's been March 22nd two different times.

Well, somebody asked me one time. They said, "Were did you do that on purpose?" And I was like, "Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I had that I had that kind of manageability, you know, like, wow, I'm going I'm going to wait till Friday to stop, you know, and that'll be really cool, you know." Uh, no. I just I just looked up one day and I had three days sober and it was the same day.

It was March 22nd of of the following year. But I've had different kinds of experiences in Alcoholics Anonymous and I I'm trying to leave myself a little bit of time um to talk about that because you know what happens uh in this Thanks. Katie Katie's here with me.

Was were any of y'all here when Katie's talk a couple of months ago? She just picked up She just picked up 23 years last uh Sunday. She's got 4 and 1/2 months.

Oh, man. She'll never let me live it down. And I've kept her sober a time or two, though, by telling her if she drank, I'd sponsor her when she came back.

That's not going to happen. But uh um she and I were litter mates, you know, we and we came in together and there was a whole bunch of us, you know, and we were having a good time and sober and uh um I don't want to knock I don't I don't like to get up and talk about, you know, we're doing it right now and anybody else is doing it wrong or that my sponsor was doing anything wrong, you know, because or anything like that, but I've had different levels of experience in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I've had different levels of spiritual awakenings as a result of this program.

But I think what happened for me the first time when I came in and I'd been an AA for a while. The reason I like to talk so much about what it really means to be an alcoholic is that that physical allergy coupled with the mental obsession because what's driving all that is that is a spiritual malady. And the problem with that is that when you take away alcohol from me, I don't get okay.

You know, I mean, has anybody else experienced that? You know, you know, the book says we're restless, irritable, and discontented until we can again experience the ease and comfort which we get from taking a couple of drinks. I mean, restless I don't have to tell you about.

You know, irritable is that, you know, when Katie says, "Good morning, honey." And I go, "Oh, are you jacking with me already this morning?" It's going to be like that, huh? You know, um, you know, and and discontented. That was an exaggeration for the for the crowd that came.

Uh, and discontented is when I start not liking the deal I'm getting, you know, and and that that takes place well into sobriety. That, you know, we have a lot of these meetings where we talk about traffic and work and um people and stuff. And what we're talking about is untreated alcoholism.

You know, because I think what happened for me, this is a the first period that I came into alcoholic synonymous, I really thought my problem was alcohol, you know, and there was a part of me that thought that if I stayed dry that that was it, you know, and they would say half measures avail. And I'm thinking half measures avail my ass. You know, it's gone pretty good for me.

I mean, you know, I'm I'm half measuring it. And but what I was doing was I was going to a bunch of AA meetings. You know, this this triangle right here that's about 4 in behind me is uh is a three-sided triangle.

And what I was doing was I was doing the work of one side of the triangle, but I was expecting the benefits of all three sides. You know, it used to in our book it would say it would say unity, service, and recovery on the three sides of it. It really pissed me off that they took it out in 1993 cuz it used to be it used to be right there with the book and what what my sponsor does now a lot of times when I Mark H is my sponsor and when I check in with him he'll go where you at with the circle and triangle you know and the unity is the fellowship of of the people in the program and I said well you know I'm doing a lot of meetings I'm going out to the ranch on Mondays and talking to the guys we got the primary purpose group on Tuesday night doing plenty of fellowship What about service?

Well, uh, I'm sponsoring 14 guys and I and I'm doing the the Monday thing and then we're doing the meeting at the house and you know and and and doing all this stuff and so I'm pretty involved in the service work and and I say if I'm weak on anything it'd be in the recovery program right now because in the past seven days I've probably done five morning meditations and maybe three evening reviews, you know, and that's that's the way we check in, you know, and and in a matter of minutes he can get an idea where I'm at with the program. But what I was doing that first time was all this side right here. It was all unity.

And the one thing I want to really be sure is that you don't hear me up here saying that I don't like the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous because I love the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Katie and I go to a lot of conferences. We go to a lot of meetings and stuff like that.

But going to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous does not treat alcoholism. It's bad news, you know. But what happens is what happened for me was I think I had this understanding that you know how you hear guys going well um kicked the dog this morning on my way out the door and screamed at my wife and I left work two hours early and did three hours of internet porn and did some gambling on the way home and uh but uh but I didn't drink today and that makes me a winner, you and you're like, "No, that kind of makes you an asshole." You know, um, you know, but that was what my understanding was cuz I had a program that was based on abstinence from alcohol.

And the reason I like to talk about it is because when I live a life that's based on abstinence from alcohol, then the only thing, you know, that I'm going to get is is dry. I'm going to have that restless, irritable, discontent. The book talks about the book takes a real bizarre right turn on page 60 60 to 63.

It's spent up to there talking about the physical allergy, the mental obsession, um spiritual malady. You know, when we straighten out spiritually, we straighten out mentally and physically and stuff like that. And I wasn't hearing this stuff in the meetings, but there's there's a weird place right there where all of a sudden now it's got me hooked, right?

It's got me admitting that I'm an alcoholic. It's got me interested in a in a spiritual solution. Am I even willing to believe?

Because the first thing that that if I really pound step one into a guy, he knows that he's beyond human aid. That's the way the book rolls it out. It talks about the powerlessness, the loss of choice and control, the physical allergy, and the mental obsession.

and says, "When this sort of thinking is fully established in a person with alcoholic tendencies, he's probably placed himself beyond human age." Right? What does that mean? Beyond human aid.

That means I can't fix me. Katie can't fix me. My sponsor can't fix me.

90 meetings in 90 days won't fix me. U a counselor, a therapist, no, you know, no human power is going to be able to fix me. Well, if I'm completely screwed, which is the bottom line of step one, you know, sorry, pal, you're so um then and and no human power can see how they're kind of cleverly roll out the whole higher power thing there is by saying if you're beyond human aid, well, now all of a sudden God starts looking kind of interesting or whatever you want to call him.

I mean, because if I if I got if I can handle it, why would I need your higher power business, you know? The only reason we talk about a higher power in here, it's not like we get a new toaster for signing a guy up for Sunday school or something, you know? I mean, the reason we talk about a higher power in here is because it's the only thing we've ever seen that works, right?

I mean, before this book came out, they had a 2% success rate with Drunks Like Us. Out of a hundred of us that would come in the door, two of us would make it. And the other 98% would either go to the prison or the or the mental asylum.

You could go to the mental asylum for life back then for chronic inebriation. And or or we'd die. And if you seen people die of this disease, it ain't pretty.

You know, you know that bitter end doesn't always come real fast, you know. Well, what happened for me though was I was living a life that was still completely self-centered, but I was involved in the program of alcohol. I went to AA barbecues.

I went to AA dances. I dated AA women. I worked with AA guys.

I had AA roommates. I was just in fellowship up to my ears. But I had started backing away from the program and I had missed the whole piece on selfishness, right?

It's strange. I mean, Chuck used to tell a story about a guy. He would talk about the importance of really finding out what the problem was.

and and he used to tell a story about a guy that had run had been scared of dogs his whole life. And so in inventory, he started looking back to see where this came from. And when he was a kid, he realized that one of the neighborhood dogs had bit him one day.

So ever since, you know, so that's why he'd been scared of dogs this whole life. But then as he looked back a little further, he saw where he remembered that he'd been chasing one of the neighborhood girls across the yard when the dog came out and bit him. And he said, "All my life, I'd been running from dogs and chasing women, and dogs never were my problem.

You know, well, that's I don't know if you can relate to that, but uh that's kind of what I'd been doing with alcoholism. you know, when when you get over there on page um 62, there's this huge shift that I completely miss. And and for those of you that this is redundant to, God bless you and rock on in.

But if there's anybody, I don't think I'm the only person that this has happened to. And and I and I want to tell you a little bit about the spiritual awakening I had well into sobriety. when a lot of this started coming around for me.

I I was sober a good amount of time. But what happened was I was there may be people in the room that are sitting in a place where you're going, you know, I still go to some meetings. I don't really read my big book much.

Uh I'm not sponsoring anybody. Um I don't I mean I'm not going out to any treatments. I'm way too busy.

I got kids and you know. Excuse me. I got kids, you know, and and stuff.

I I don't have, you know, but I mean but I but I mean I still go to the meeting occasionally, but I'm you know and I'm not thinking about drinking, right? You know, you take that guy that's in that position and you let him go to the dentist or blow a knee out in a motorcycle crash or something like that and I can't tell you how many times I've seen that guy, you hand him a bottle of Vicodin and two weeks later he's going, "What the hell just happened?" You know, because I'm walking around. What happens is over a period of time, God's will starts dropping down like this.

As far as God consciousness, it's out the window. You know, it's all me and it's me and it's me and it's me and you know, step out of the way. Yeah, I got faith in God.

But I mean, you know, there's a thing in here where it says in it's in the 12 and 12 where it says we can have faith and still keep God out of our lives. What that means is I get in this place where I'm running the deal, you know, and I go, "Oh, yeah, man. I got faith in God.

Sure. Absolutely. Man, God is awesome, you know.

But I mean, I don't need him for this. But, you know, but I mean, if I, you know, if I come across something really big, I mean, I'm bringing God right in, you know, but I mean, so I'm I'm rolling along with no God consciousness, it doesn't even come into play in any of my decisions. And what happens is God's will drops down like this.

Self-will comes up like this. And I don't even know what's happening, right? you know, and so next thing you know, traffic's pissing me off, Katie's pissing me off.

My kids are pissing me off. The business, everything. And you know, and I can't, you know, there's a thing on on uh where it says, "Isn't he under the delusion?

Isn't he operating under the delusion that he can rest satisfaction and happiness from this world if he only manages well?" And that's exactly what I was doing. I was managing my backside off, but I couldn't quite get it going, you know. And there's that thing on 62 where it says though he's sure he's somewhat at fault.

He's sure other people are more to blame. Anybody experienced that? You know, I mean, it says on there, here's the thing.

When I was talking about not really knowing what the problem is right here on page 62, right here on 60, it says, "My first time through the through the steps, I'd done a third step prayer on my knees. I did a fourth step. I did six and seven.

Didn't mean much to me, but you know, we did them. And then eight and nine, I thought, well, I'll do those, then I'll feel better about me, and then I won't have to drink all the time. Four and five was so I'd feel better about me, you know, and then I won't have to drink.

It's total BS. I mean, it's not at all some of the crap you hear in AA meetings. My my favorite pet peeve is is, you know, sometimes I like to think about the newcomer.

I like to think so much about what it's like, you know, when they say the chanting. God almighty, the chanting drives me out of my mind, you know. I mean, I think about this guy coming in, he's been shooting heroin and drinking whiskey for 14 years, and he comes in and we're chanting like a bunch of kids at summer camp, you know?

I mean, you know, he's going, "Jesus, I want to stop. I don't know about all this, you know. I mean, but the guy comes in and he hears something two or three times and he starts thinking, it must be AA, right?

I mean, I heard it in an AA meeting and they keep saying, one of the ones that always gets me is if this is a selfish program, right? How many times have you heard that? Well, you know, this is a selfish program.

Well, you hear it a few times, you start thinking, I heard it in AA, you know, they said it was a selfish program. It was total It's it's not in the meeting. It's not in the book anywhere.

In fact, the book is full of stuff where it says I got to that, you know, though uh though at the time we're getting our lives in order, that is not an end in itself. Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and our fellows. And then, you know, over here on uh on page 14, it says, "For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead." Just a couple more.

92 it says or no 94 it says suggest how important it is that he place the welfare of other people ahead of his own. Does that sound like a selfish program? You know, I mean it's just full of that stuff.

And what I had done was I had missed that selfishness piece. There's a line there on page 60 when we're going into step three where it says the first requirement is that we be convinced that any life, not just an alcoholic life, any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. Right?

That line didn't touch me. I don't know about anybody else, but the first time I went through the steps, that line, not only was I not convinced that my life run on self-will couldn't be a success, they didn't even give it a thought. You know, I mean, you know, think about in the third step prayer where he goes, "Relieve me of the bondage of self, whatever." You know, I mean, what does that mean?

You know, I mean, you know, I'm just down on my knees. I'm nervous as hell. I got a grown man and we're down on our knees together and you know, I mean, is anybody looking?

And, you know, but going back through it, what happened for me? Oh, boy. We got 8 minutes.

I was in a plane crash in 2003. I I chartered a plane out on Eastern Long Island to go back into Manhattan. And I was in that place where I wasn't really doing the deal, but I was, you know, I was I've been sober a good while.

We crashed into the water at night. I mean, it's it's no Earl High Tower story, but it was it was pretty it's pretty damn dramatic, you know, and and I mean, we crashed into the water at night and had to escape from an underwater plane that the doors wouldn't open on. and and uh what happened was and that's that's the shortest version I can tell you of the story.

But but what happened was I didn't understand it at the time, but it was the beginning of a spiritual awakening for me because I knew that there was dishonesty in my life. I knew that there was some stuff that I wasn't doing that didn't quite jive with the program. And what I'd started doing was you don't want to get down on your knees and say, "God, you take care of my whole life." Well, well, I mean, everything but this, you know, and and and I'll handle that insurance deal, you know, but everything else, God, you know, you can't.

Well, so what happens for a guy like me is you just quit getting down on your knees. And I'd been in that place for a while where I was totally on self-will. I'm not checking in with God because I had hit the wall with self-will early in my program where I didn't feel like I was getting a good deal.

And I went the wrong way. I went more into self-will. I thought to hell with this AA thing.

I tried it your way. and I'm not getting what I wanted. And I started running more on itself.

Well, well, I hit the wall with that. And what happened as a result of that? I can't believe I got six minutes to get this in.

What happened as a result of that? I came out of that deal and I remember going to my sponsor and going, you know, I'm so self-centered that I can't even have a conversation with somebody. I mean, I have to force myself to say, how's the wife?

you know, have the kids, you know, and act like I give a flip about the answer, you know, I mean, because because I want to talk about me, you know, and and uh I mean, that's self-centered, you know, and and my sponsor says, "We're going to go out to the ranch tomorrow and talk to the wineest." The reason I tell this story is because it did not sound like a good idea. The idea of going and working with these guys, you're like, "No, no, no. See, they're going to want to talk about themselves and and I want to talk about me and you know and and but what happened though was it was the beginning of the bright spot of my life.

You know, I started working with these guys and there was times where I felt like I was sometimes a step ahead of these guys because I was getting a new understanding of this book. I was really going into the book and really reading it line by line, word by word. I started going to the primary purpose group where we studied the book sentence by sentence and then go back through it and it brings about a depth of this book that I never knew was there.

That book is 500 ft deep and I'd never stuck a toe in it, you know. I mean, I just, you know, tried to pick up what my understanding of Alcoholics Anonymous in the meetings. I started going into the book.

I started hanging out with other big book thumpers and you know, and you know, how can we grow in understanding and effectiveness? We're on the phone with each other every day going, "Okay, now what are you going to do when a guy says this?" Well, you know, what I usually say is this and that. You know, I pull into this part of the book and I go to this part of the book and you know, and what I'm trying to get to is that I caught fire with the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And the reason that that's important is because if you'd come to me, if you're sitting in the room tonight and you've been around a while now, you know, for the new guys, welcome. I love you. I'm glad you're here.

I think there's plenty of message of the hope of recovery for the new guy in the rooms. But if you're sitting in the rooms and you've been here a little while, you've been here two years, three years, and you're not feeling what you hear people talking about. What I'm telling you is it's still available.

It's available as a result of the work right out of the book of this program. And I never knew that if you'd have come to me when I had 17 years and said, "Charlie, what is going to change your life and what's going to set you on fire is the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I would have told you, you're full of crap because I've been in AA for a while. I know what that does for me.

I've experienced AA, but you know, I got merit badges in this program. I've been around a while. I've sponsored guys, you know, I mean, I've done the deal.

made the damn coffee, you know, and and but what happened was I got into this work in a whole another level and I got with guys, you know, on page 164 in our book, it says, "But obviously you cannot transmit something that you haven't got." You know what they're saying is if I've been just going to meetings and a guy comes up to me and says, "Hey man, would you sponsor me?" What the hell am I going to tell him? you know, am I going to just say go to 90 meetings in 90 days and put the plug in the jug and don't drink no matter what, you know, and and stuff. I might as well say just say no, you know, I mean I mean cuz cuz page 24 in our book tells me that I drink no matter what, you know, that I I'm going to come to the point where I have no mental defense against the first string.

I got into this stuff. We started doing the primary purpose group. We started I mean watching people catch fire with this program is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

I mean all I'm telling you is that I'm more into the big book than I've ever been in my life. I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. I'm happier than I ever would have thought was possible as a result of being involved deeply involved in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

So, if you're sitting in the room and you you're not experiencing what you hear people talking about up here, get into the book, get with somebody that's done the work out of the book. To me, it's a fair question to go to a sponsor and say, just like it says in the 12th step, it says, "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps." To me, it's a fair question when you're shopping for a sponsor to go, "Hey, man, uh, have you had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps?" And if the guy goes like, "Hey, rock on, pal. I'm going to go get some coffee." You know, I mean, the guy I'm looking for is going to go, "Absolutely.

Oh, absolutely. I've had a spiritual awakening as a result of these tips." And I could show you exactly what I did because it all came right out of this book. That's what I'm talking about.

That's, you know, and that's what we've been doing. And I got a network of big book thumper guys. You know that you know we the the best day I've ever been involved with takes place at my kitchen table on Thursday night.

We call it the common solution meeting and it's my sponsor Mark H me and all the guys that I sponsor and we meet on Thursday. And the reason we call it common solution is because we're going for one voice, one message. You know whether you talk to me or Jamie or Troy or any of the guys, you should be getting the same message right out of this book.

you know, not any of my opinion. My opinion is suspect, but when I come out of this book, which I do a lot, um, it's just the best sponsoring guys. I can't even tell you.

I mean, I got a guy it there's a lot of stories about the sponsors, but I always talk about Jamie cuz I I got this cat that I've been when this guy came up to ask me to sponsor him, I was not excited, you know. Uh, I'm out at the treatment center. I've been coming for a while, you know, and my talk's getting better and I'm feeling more, you know, like I really got something to offer now.

I'm starting to understand the the process on a deeper and deeper level and really feeling like and here comes this guy and he's got dreadlocks out to here and a ring in his nose and a ink all over him and a and a and a hey, what's up? And uh and uh and uh this guy, you know, an hour and a half later, we were down on our knees under a tree there at the Austin Recovery Center doing a third step prayer together. And he really knew what it meant to be an alcoholic.

He knew what it was like to have an interest in a spiritual program. And he knew the deal that we were making in step three. It wasn't some vague deal.

He knew that we were going to quit playing God and that if you know it says being all powerful, he'll provide what I need if I stay close to him and perform his work well. That's all I got to do. Right?

So, I get down with Jamie. The reason I like telling the story is because I'm going to end with this. One day I was talking to Jamie.

I said, you know, dude, I got to tell you, uh, as your sponsor, I will seldom ever tell you what to do. I mean, we'll talk about spiritual principles. We'll talk about the big book.

I'll refer you to places in the book, and then you'll make the decision yourself based on what you want to do. I mean, I'm I'm rarely going to tell you what to do. Having said that though, if there ever comes a day where you think about taking that ring out of your nose, um, you don't have to call me on that one, you know, but the guy is on fire.

I mean, he is such a soldier for this program. And I mean, you just to watch that guy catch fire has just been the joy of my life. And and I almost missed it.

I could have drank at any time during that period around 15 17 years. And I would have thought I knew what AA had to offer me. And uh it's awesome.

I mean, it's just unbelievable. I'm out of time. Both you and this from page 100 of our big book.

Both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. If you persist, remarkable things will happen. When we look back, we realize that the things that came to us when we placed ourselves in God's hands were better than anything we could have planned.

Follow the dictates of a higher power, and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances. Thanks for having me tonight, and I really enjoy >> >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.

Until next time, have a great day.