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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. Okay, our speaker tonight is Cindy Murphy.

And I I'll tell you, it doesn't take long for me to think of something to say about Cindy. I get to carry the message with her at Salvation Army. And she's just she you know that not only does she um she's a practi Okay, now I just squared it up.

Anyway, I was going to say what Cliff always says. She's a student of this program, but she's also a practitioner. She I mean, you can just see it after talking with her just a few minutes.

You know, she's got this going on. Come on up, Cindy. Well, good evening everyone.

My name is Cindy Murphy and I'm a very grateful recovered alcoholic. And it's only because I was willing to quit doing it my way and follow the directions of my sponsor that I haven't had a drink since January the 18th of 2003. And that is such a miracle.

And you will see why it is such a miracle in just a few minutes. Getting sober was a very, very tedious process for me. Um, I was one hard-headed person.

It took me a very long time to surrender and to get to my step one. a very long time. And I hope that that won't be true for some of you who are new.

Um, but that just was the way that was the path for me. It just took a long time. Um, but first of all, I'll I'll just tell you a little bit about myself.

Um, I was born in 1952 in Greenville, South Carolina. And um you know a lot of people think in and out of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that alcoholism is the result of of a bad childhood or things that just don't go right. You know maybe growing up in the projects or something like that.

You know let me tell you that's certainly not the truth. Um I grew up in a very loving wonderful family. Um my parents were uh Baptist.

Uh they had us in church all the time. They were tea toters. Um, drinking was not part of our life.

I never for one minute felt unloved. I knew my parents loved me. They took great care of me.

Um, they were not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination. My mother worked um teaching uh nursery school and she saved every penny of that money to buy a piano so I could take piano lessons and send me to camp um and give me things that that she hadn't had growing up. I mean, I never felt unloved.

Um, my brother and sister were quite a bit older when I was born. When I came along, my sister was 14 and my brother was 10. So, I I think it's safe to say I was kind of a surprise to the family, but I still felt special.

I didn't feel like a mistake. I was quite sure I was very special. I didn't doubt that for a minute.

And um and and all was quite wonderful. I will tell you that there was some abuse in my family and it didn't come from my immediate family uh off in the distance. Um I was the victim.

I really was a victim of some terrible abuse that was coming down my way. And the reason I share that with you is because that is not why I'm an alcoholic. And a lot of people think that that's what causes alcoholism.

And it does not. But I thought that for a long time. I was quite sure of it.

I used to drink and and say you would too if you had had this in your life. But really that wasn't that wasn't the the large part of my life. That was just a little hidden part of my life because for the most part my life was pretty sweet.

Um I did well in school. I had lots of friends. I'm sure you know I I later on down the road I had a lot of therapy.

Who didn't right in this group? I had a lot of therapy and I'm sure that my therapists all could could uncover it and say, "Well, there's all this dysfunction, but maybe so, but basically, I had a very loving, wonderful family and a and a good life." Um, I'm real grateful for the time that I was born because I got to be a witness to all kinds of interesting history. Um, it was the time of of the civil rights movement and that I was living in the south, so that was real interesting.

I got to witness, you know, the Kennedy assassination and and oh, just wonderful. I mean, that was a terrible tragic thing, but there were one it was a wonderful time to be alive, you know, it was a wonderful time for someone like me who liked to reflect and and and and study history to just sit around and look at all these things and and I remember during the Cuban Missile Crisis, my dad built a bomb shelter. And I mean, I just love the drama of it all, you know?

I could write books about it later. Of course, I didn't, but I could have, you know. Um, so all went well and I and I I was a very happy kid for the most part.

Um, when I turned 15, um, oh, and church was a huge part of my life and I was I was solid on that that front. Uh, when I turned 15, um, my dad was transferred to another city and concurrent with that time, this was in 1967. At that moment in time, my brother went to Vietnam and my mother took to her bed with depression and we moved and my life kind of turned upside down at that time.

Uh, and I discovered alcohol. All that sort of happened that summer of 67. And um, I'll back up.

Alcohol in my family, as I told you, we didn't drink. No one in my family drank. Uh when I was a little girl, I remember our minister came over to dinner one night and and he asked my father in that real Baptisty way.

He said, "What do you think the worst sin is, Bill?" And my dad said, "Drinking." And the minister said, "No, greed." And I remember wondering, I thought, "What does greed have to I mean, how could greed be so bad?" And and and the minister said, "Well, greed covers drinking, too." And I thought, "How can greed and drinking be the same?" you know, I later learned, you know, you know, drink drinking can turn into a real greedy process. Um, so I remember that. I also remember when I was a little girl, um, my dad taking me to church one Sunday night and we had to park kind of far away from the church because there was some revival meeting or something going on.

And there were these men walking, um, into a building with trench coats and and hats, you know, back in the 50s, men always wore hats. And they were going down these steps into a building. And I remember asking my dad, I said, "Where are all those men going?" And he said, "Oh, they're the most pathetic men in the world.

They're in Alcoholics Anonymous." And I remembered that, you know, these are the nuggets that I really the drinking thing. And I remember I thought drinking was such a romantic thing. And my parents would always say to me, "Don't drink.

You just don't drink. We don't drink. And if you're ever with people who drink, you call us to come get you cuz that's just wrong." And and so one night I was spending the night with a girlfriend and her parents had a party and they were drinking.

The the adults were drinking. So I called my mother and I said, "They're drinking." And she said, "Who?" And I said, "Well, Mr. and Mrs.

Moses are drinking. They're having a party." And she said, "Well, I'm sure they can handle it, Cindy. It'll be all right." And I was very confused, you know.

Oh, it's okay if they drink. So I I remember these things, these little nuggets. Alcohol.

Alcohol just fascinated me from the very beginning. I remembered every little thing about it. I remember going to people's houses and they would drink out of cut glass crystal.

You know, the parents would and I just thought that was so cool and I couldn't wait to try it. Couldn't wait. So, in 1967, I had my first drink and I went out um on a date.

We had just moved to Charlotte and um I didn't know anybody. I hadn't started school yet. It was in the summer and I'd met the this lifeguard at the swimming pool and he was uh I was going to be a junior in high school and he was going to be a junior in college and um my parents finally agreed to let me go out if I went out in a group of people and all this, you know.

Well, we you know how we get around those things. Well, anyway, we went out and uh I had one and a half beers that night and my whole life changed. My whole life changed.

I fell in love with alcohol instantly. It was fabulous. I love the feeling.

And I always say when I talk about this, boys had told me I was pretty before on dates, but this time I believed it. You know, I knew I was pretty. You know what I mean?

This is cool. I loved it. And I couldn't wait to do more.

I just couldn't wait. I loved every second of it. And I did not get drunk.

I had one and a half beers. It was just enough to feel nice and I wanted to recapture that. And from that moment on, um, every time I got a chance, I would drink.

I believe with all my heart I was born an alcoholic. I I that's just me. I believe I was genetically born with the gene, you know, for alcoholism.

Um, I didn't drink to blackout that first night, but I did within 6 months. You know, I was drinking and blacking out. And by the time I was 16, I was swearing it off for the first time.

You see, I didn't ever want to be a drunk. Even when I was young, I didn't want to be that person. I grew up in this family where it was not done, you know, and I I grew up in a time period where girls didn't do these things, you know.

It was not done in my world. Girls didn't drink like this. No one I knew drank like this.

Boys didn't drink like this. I drank like that. I was throwing up on people, you know.

I It was not pretty. Um I was throwing up on my clothes. I was I was coming to with my front porch light going off and on with my parents, you know, at the door.

Um, one Sunday morning I remember I I couldn't remember what had happened the night before and I came racing down the stairs to try to act like I was fine. You know that deal? Like, oh, I feel great this morning.

And I fainted, right? And my dad said, "We're going to church." He didn't know how close he was to the truth about what I needed. Um, so that's what happened to me in high school.

Um, by the time I got to college, I discovered some outside issues and that helped me a lot with drinking. That's all I can say about that. Um, it helped me delay the drinking somewhat.

I mean, it wasn't so bad. Um, and so drinking kind of, you know, evened out a little for me. And, um, it alcohol is so cunning, baffling, and powerful in my life that, uh, here it was.

it it was taking me down really hard when I was younger and then it evened out a little while. It wasn't so bad. You know, I was able to control it or it seemed like I was able to control it for a while and it was constantly doing this with me, you know, up and down, up and down.

Um, by the time I finished college, I mean, it still wasn't too bad. You know, I was able to get through school just fine. When I finished college, I uh I had saved my money.

Oh, that's the other thing. My parents did a great job. Uh they had me working from the time I was 16.

I I worked every day after school and on weekends and I worked all through college and and I'd saved my money and when I graduated from college I went to Europe and I lived in Greece and then I drank uzo around the clock. You know, I don't remember much about it. I do remember that Nixon resigned and I felt like I better get home cuz my country needed me.

And that's the truth. Uh that's really the truth. And I don't remember anything about those those months in Europe.

I really don't. Um I was just I was drunk or hung over the whole time. It was a big fat waste of money.

Um I came home and and I didn't really know what to do with myself. So I decided I would get married and I married the guy that I dated in college and it didn't work out and I blamed him. You know the deal.

I was married for 9 months. Um and then after that I didn't know what to do and I was drinking heavily. you know, it's picking up, picking up.

So, I I did the only thing I know to do, and that was to go back to school. I have a master's degree, but the only reason that's true for me is because I didn't know what else to do. Not because I'm, you know, I have a plan, a master plan if I'm going to go accomplish things.

It's just that that's all I knew to do was to go to school or get married. I mean, you know, that's what I knew to do. So, I went back to school and I I worked as a house mother in a dormatory.

That's real good. I'm 22 years old, right? And I'm drunk and I'm a house mother in a dorm.

And um that's how I did that. Um I got out of there and um and then I started teaching school in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. And that's where I lived and that's where I met the man I'm married to today.

Um that's a miracle, too. We've been married 30 years. We had our uh wedding anniversary on the 29th, and he's been with me through this whole rigomearroll.

and he is such a gentleman and such a prince. Um, okay. So, when I met him, um, he's 9 years older than I am and, uh, and really at that point in time, he was like more like 20 years older than I was.

And he brought me to Dallas. And in Dallas, you could drink liquor in the bars. And that took on a whole new meaning for me because in North Carolina, you could drink beer and wine.

You know, when you bought when you drank liquor, you had to bring your own bottle in and have special per it was a whole different experience. But here in Dallas, you could actually buy liquor with a credit card, you know? I mean, you could just buy liquor.

You could order exotic drinks in Dallas, you know, like Rusty Nails, you know, things that I'd never heard of before. And so I was like a kid in a candy store in Dallas. And um and every day he and I uh would get off of work and we would go out and drink every single day.

And we got married. And when we got married, he started trying to build his business up. So he quit drinking when we got married.

He quit drinking. I didn't I couldn't. He was a heavy drinker and he just stopped drinking, you know, because he had work to do and I couldn't.

So, I thought, well, I need uh uh more things to do with my time. I was working at the time, but that just didn't seem to be quite enough to keep me from drinking. So, I developed some hobbies and different things to do at night, but still, I couldn't quit drinking.

Um I thought, well, if we bought a house and I spent my time decorating it, you know, in the evenings, then I wouldn't drink so much. And that didn't happen. Of course, I drank and decorated the house.

And then I thought, well, if I get pregnant, for sure I won't drink. And I did get pregnant. And I did quit drinking, I was able to stop drinking.

Mo mostly because I was very nauseated. But during that pregnancy, I didn't drink at all. And I didn't smoke cigarettes either.

And um and that was just by the grace of God. I'm so grateful that I didn't. But I didn't drink during that nine months pregnancy.

I did do a lot of macra and I did a lot of artwork and different things, you know, just to keep busy. But the day those children were born, I had twins on St. Patrick's Day.

My husband's Irish. It worked out real well. Um that that day that those you will understand this women, I think when those children were born on St.

Patrick's Day, that's the first time I really felt like I deserve to be married to this man. I felt like I'd done something right, you know, and that's the truth. But anyway, um, excuse me.

So, the day they were born, um, at Presbyterian Hospital, they rolled in a margarita machine and, uh, they gave me an ashtray because in 1980, you could smoke in rooms and drink margaritas in the rooms. And that's what I did. That's the truth.

And that's I started drinking again. Um, my husband traveled all the time in those days and um, every day I would stay sober during the daytime and I would get those little babies tummies so full at night with rice cereal so they would sleep through the night and then I would start drinking. And um, it occurred to me that that they might that I might set the house on fire.

What if what if I caught the house on fire with a cigarette and and I killed these children? So, I decided I better do something about it. So, I started thinking about that and what what's wrong with me?

Why am I drinking so much? And I read an article in the paper about Ruth Carter Stapleton. She was Jimmy Carter's pre President Jimmy Carter's sister.

I think he was still president at the time. Yeah, he was. And she lived down here.

She lived in Ulis Bedford. And she would have these spiritual retreats at her house in Ulis. And um it was free.

You just signed up and went. And I thought, well, you know, I'm so arrogant. I'm thinking, well, the president's sister is having retreats at her house.

I think I can go there. That's that that's what I qualified for. So, I called and they said, "Sure, come this weekend." So, I went to this spiritual retreat at her house and and I walked in her house and she had this round library in her home.

And I walk in and the very first book on the shelf that I see is this book called Alcoholics Anonymous. Isn't that something? That's the book I see.

I quickly walk away because alcohol was not my problem. I'm trying to find out what my problem is, but it cannot be alcohol. My problem is I'm all I'm married to a control freak and he travels and it's not fair.

Right? That's my problem. My problem is I was sexually abused as a child and you would drink too.

My problem is the world is just has too many sharp edges for the sensitive soul that I am. I'm really a poet and no one recognizes my talent. I'm serious as a heart attack about this.

These are the things I thought of. These are the thoughts that are going through my mind. I'm just too precious for words.

And alcohol is not my problem. Well, as soon as I left her deal, and I didn't like her, by the way. Um, I went to 7-Eleven and got one of those big Fosters beers, drank it, and drove home.

Um, I keep searching and searching and searching. I in the meantime, I converted to Catholicism and I started teaching CCD classes. And I'm thinking, well, if I teach children CCD classes at the Catholic Church, Baptist wasn't good enough.

Maybe Catholic will work out better. No, that's not working. I'm I'm searching spiritually as hard as I can.

I'm I'm searching artistically as hard as I can. I'm searching every way I know and nothing's getting the job done. I'm starting to exercise.

I join a health club. I'm walking every day. I'm doing everything I know to get sober or to not drink so much.

Just to not drink so much. And nothing's working. Nothing's working.

And I know in my heart of hearts that if I could just get all this stuff straightened out, I wouldn't drink so much cuz I desperately just want to be a good person. I really did. I wanted to be a responsible mother and wife.

I wanted my husband to be proud of me. I wanted my parents to be proud of me. I I didn't want to be a drunk.

I really wanted to be just a nice person and I can't quite make that happen. Um, so finally I I'm reading the newspaper one day and um I see this Dear Abby column and some woman had written in that I drink a bottle of wine every day. What should I do?

And Abby writes back or Annlanders or whatever. Run, don't walk to your nearest AA meeting. And I'm thinking for a bottle of wine that's nothing.

you know, I'm drinking liquor. I'm drinking like a half a fifth or more, you know, at this point. I didn't know it could get worse.

It can. So, um, I'm I'm thinking about that and thinking about that and finally I decide I will get all dressed up and go to my first AA meeting. You know what I mean?

I'm going to look like I don't belong there, right? And so, I did. And I got to the my first AA meeting and uh this was my experience at my first AA meeting.

Um, I walked in and I chose it because I like the name of it. It I won't say the name of it, but I like the name of it. So, I went into this AA meeting and the topic was, "Is it okay to drink communion wine?" That was the topic of my first AA meeting.

And everybody goes around and says something and then they call on me, the newcomer. And I said, because I love to be intellectual, I said, "Well, I just converted to Catholicism." And what I learned is the wine turns to the blood of Christ, so it must be okay. And they let me get away with that.

They did. They said, "Good. Okay, that makes sense.

All right." Nobody called me on that. Nobody. And I thought, "Well, this is fun.

I like it. I get to talk, you know." So, I went back to a couple meetings, felt like I was fixed. I went public with my husband.

And I said, "I went to AA today." And he said, "Well, you know, a lot of movie stars go to AA and we'll just switch to Pererry and it's going to be good. You'll like it." Within a week, I was drinking again. By the fall, um, I was trick-or-treating with my kids.

By this time, they're like, uh, this was 1982. They were 2 years old. And I took them trick-or-treating.

And, um, I fell down in the bushes drunk. And the next morning, I woke up and I was totally humiliated and terrified. And um I went to my next AA meeting.

This time I didn't plan to go to AA. I I I went to church. It was November the 1st, All Saints Day.

And I remember I'm trying to be a good Catholic. And um I went to mass that morning and um I was on my knees crying and the priest walked in and he appeared to give me a dirty look. Now he probably wasn't looking at me at all, but that's how I processed it.

And so I got up and left and I decided that I would go shopping because I had my kids at nursery school that morning and I that would make me feel better if I went shopping. And I pulled into a shopping center and my car just pulled right in front of a door that had a circle and triangle on the front and that was AA and I went to that meeting by then I started going to AA regularly. Um I was able to stay sober for quite some time.

I always say that I was sober for seven years and I'm just here to tell you I don't know if that's the truth or not. I don't know how long I stayed sober. Somewhere in there I started smoking dope.

Somewhere in there I took Nyquil. Somewhere in there I you know I don't know the truth. I really don't I know I picked up a seven-year chip but I don't know whether I really don't know the truth about that.

Um because I was such a liar. I was I was such a liar. Um and I didn't even know I was lying when I was lying.

Um I thought that if you This is what I thought about Alcoholics Anonymous. And I was I thought I was working the program. Um if you got up and said, "I'm an alcoholic." That was second the first step.

I thought, you know, and I thought that was the extent to which one had to be honest, right? My name is Cindy. I'm an alcoholic.

I've taken step one. I don't know how many fourth and fifth steps I've done in my life, but I've done a lot of them. And I up until I did my fourth and fifth step with Dara this time around, I thought it was confession.

I really did. I thought it was just all the bad, rotten things I had done in my life. and mostly all the bad and rotten things you'd done to me.

That's what I really thought that was about was just getting all that stuff off your chest. And I did a bunch of those. So, I did that at this particular juncture and trying to be sober.

Um, I went to tons of meetings. I listened to what everybody said and then I got real good at saying things myself. As you can tell, I love to talk and I got very good at it.

Um, I ran into someone not too long ago and she said she remembered something I said in a meeting once and I said, "What was that?" And she said, "You said that I have a luxury problem today. My pool's broken." >> I said that in a meeting. That's the truth.

I was one of those people. I was one of those people. I've made amends to that group.

Incidentally, I did. Um anyway, um I was sponsoring people, uh I was speaking. I was dangerous, but I didn't know any better is the truth.

I really didn't. Um I thought I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. Uh people I really thought fake it till you make it was a tenant of AA.

I really thought keep coming back it gets better was a tenant oa. Uh I thought things like um I have an addictive personality and I'm just sick as I can be but at least I didn't drink today and I don't have to get better. I'm recovering.

I'm just a little bit better day by day. I thought it was good enough and it worked till it didn't work. Now, I don't want to argue with anybody about terminology or or or what works or what.

I know that there are a lot of people in Alcoholics Anonymous all over the world who don't use the book. I know that there are a lot of people out there who just go to meetings. I know there are a lot of people out there who don't work the steps.

I know there are a lot of people who love discussion meetings. I know that and I'm happy for them and that's great and if it works for them, keep doing it. All I know is is it didn't work for me.

That's all I can tell you. It didn't work for me. And it and and and it gets uglier because see somewhere in there I started drinking again.

And then I couldn't get sober again. What? Excuse me.

Oops. What time is it? I got to put my glass.

>> Oh, good. All right. So So I'm not getting honest with my sponsor, my group, or anybody.

So, finally it gets so bad because now I'm drinking Nyquil. I don't know if any of you have been down that green liquid trip, but it's nasty and um and I'm starting to get a little bit crazy. And and people would say, "Well, why are you drinking Nyquil?

You don't understand. My whole family thinks I'm sober. My whole world thinks I'm sober, but I'm able to convince myself if I'm drinking Nyquil, I'm not drinking." The alcoholics get that, right?

Non-alcoholics don't get that. My husband would say to me, "Why don't you just go by scotch?" Yeah. Why are you doing that?

He said, I remember one day he said, "Cindy, you've had a cold for like years. What's up with this?" You know, and um I keep going back and I I got I got honest with my group. I got on when I got honest with my group and got honest with the women I sponsored.

One of the girls I sponsored had to have special meetings just for her because her sponsor went back out and and and it was all about her, right? And everybody was mad at me because I let her down. And I remember saying, "But you're sober and I'm drunk." What about me?

The baby. Um but anyway, I could not get sober again. I couldn't I could put together a few days, a few weeks.

I I couldn't even put together a month of sobriety and I was getting so hopeless. Not to mention, I was getting so fat. I was getting bloated.

I would looked horrible. I can't even tell you how awful I looked. I couldn't I It was just awful.

It was so ugly. So finally in 19 um sometime I don't remember now but I went to a treatment center in Oklahoma um and I thought when I got out I would be fine. Well when I got out um I didn't drink any more nightil.

I switched to vanilla extract. That's the truth. What I did first was I put coffee flavoring in my coffee and that was kind of expensive.

So vanilla was cheaper. So I put that in my coffee and then I left the coffee out, right? And that's what I did.

And I did that for a few more years and I just drank vanilla. Um in 1999 I I and and all through this time I'm going to psychiatrist. My husband bought me a Nikon camera to give me a new hobby.

I I was going to uh psychics. I was going to church. I was I was watching television trying to put my hands on the screen and get healed.

>> I mean, I'm telling you, and I'm going to AA, too. And all kinds of people are sponsoring me, and I'm having people tell me that I better hide everything of value because my husband's going to leave me. I have people I mean, I'm getting advice from all kinds of interesting people.

And none of it has anything to do with the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. None of it. and I feel like I'm losing my mind and it was horrible.

It was awful. Um, in 1999 I um I went with my family on a vacation and this time uh we went to Montana and I stayed sober for 3 days and and I I was just holding on for dear life. It was over the Fourth of July weekend and I didn't drink and I'm holding on and holding on and holding on and I'm miserable.

And we got home and on the morning of July the 6th, I couldn't hold on any longer. And I got up that morning and I went to the bar in our house. We had a we we never got rid of the bar.

Um what good would that do? I know where to get alcohol, right? So I went down to the bar and I took a big swig of uh Amordo.

This is the first alcohol out of a liquor bottle I've had in years, you know. And I took this big swig of amordo out of the bar and um I went into an instant blackout. And that's never happened.

Just one swig and blackout. And I stayed in a black and I don't know how much I drank after that. I don't know what I drank or how much I drank, but I was in a blackout for about 24 hours.

And the next day I wake up and I've got a broken tooth. And um I hear my husband downstairs talking to someone about hiring a bodyguard just like out of the book, you know, cuz he's afraid I'm going to drive. He's he doesn't know what to do with me.

And um so my mind, you know how our mind races, you know that what am I going to do? What am I going to do? And I'm thinking, thinking, thinking.

Okay, what do we I'll go to treatment. You know, that's what I'll do. I'll go to treatment.

I'll voluntarily go to treatment. Don't you just love it when you hear people say, "I went voluntarily to treatment." Yeah, right. And I thought, "Well, I'll go to Betty Ford.

That'll do it." God had other plans for me. Um, and interestingly enough, uh, I was desperate. I really was desperate.

Um, and I went to a treatment center that many of us had been to. And I don't promote any treatment center. I have no interest in doing that.

I don't even think Troman's a good idea, frankly. But but however, there was a guy there that we all know and he's going to be speaking here the last Saturday of the month. And he introduced me to the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

This is 1999. I've been in AA since 82. 17 years have gone by.

And I got introduced to the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous 17 years after I went to my first AA meeting. and he finally told me what was wrong with me in a meeting bigger than this. And I'm looking around and and some people are nodding off and not paying attention and I'm going, "How can you not listen?

This is unbelievable." And he explained he got he got us right in the book instantly. The first thing he read to us, which which was such good news for a drunk like me, he got us to the ford and he said, "We of Alcoholics Anonymous are more than 100 men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body." He said, "Recovered." And he didn't make any bones about it. That was so much hope for me because I'd just been recovering forever.

Recovering in my opinion, and that doesn't mean anything. I'm just going to share that with you is a therapy word. It's just a therapy word because that's intellectually that makes more sense to say recovering, right?

Cuz we're never cured. But what Bill and Bob in the first 100 told us is that we can recover from this. What good news.

Thank God I don't have to be walking around two days here, 5 days there. I can really recover from this. Right?

So that was really good news. And then he got us over to the doctor's opinion and when he said, you know, we believe and so suggested a few years ago that the action of alcohol and these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy. Well, I had heard that allergy thing in meetings for years.

But nobody really told me what that meant. And I thought it was nonsense. I thought that was just a euphemism for when I drink I get drunk.

you know, just a nice way of putting I throw up when I drink, you know, but he said that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class. And he explained that that that for me as an alcoholic, my liver and pancreas don't process alcohol the way other people do. And that's what triggers this phenomenon of craving.

So that's why I drink too much when I drink. It's not because I'm sitting there going, "Woe is me, I need more." My body is demanding more. My body's demanding more.

See, all these years, I think I'm drinking so much because everybody's mistreating me. Because that's the only thing that adds up for me. So, my mind's telling me everybody's mistreating me.

So, now I'm starting to make up stuff about how you're treating me. I'm making it up, right? I'm married to the sweetest man in the world, but to this day, I can convince myself he's a son of a you know what, cuz I can be a victim of anything.

I was a victim this weekend. I was till I found out I wasn't. Okay.

Okay. So, now I know why I'm drinking so much. I'm It's not that I you know when I would go to happy hour all those times, you know, and and you're out with your friends and you order a drink and and I always thought that the reason I kept drinking so much was cuz I changed my mind.

I think I want more. I thought I was just changing my mind. I think I'll just have some more.

This is so fun. No, my body is demanding that I drink more. And that's what the allergy is.

That's the reason I'm powerless over alcohol. My life, he told me, is unmanageable because I've lost the power of choice. Now, that's the death sentence for me.

I can't choose not to drink. And it took me all those years to realize that I had lost the power of choice and drink. Cuz see, people in AA would tell me, and this is the truth, and no offense, it's because we don't know the truth, but I had pe well-meaning people tell me that I needed to make better choices.

Just don't drink and come to meetings. Well, if I knew how to do that, I wouldn't go to meetings. I wouldn't.

No offense. Now, I'd come see you guys cuz I love you very much. But when I was going to those meetings, I hated them.

I wouldn't go there just because I liked it. I didn't like it. I was going there because I was trying to figure out how not to die.

How do you not drink? So, I couldn't choose not to drink. The word in these stories that hit me the hardest was the word suddenly.

Suddenly, cuz that was the word that kept me drunk. Cuz I made so many commitments not to drink and suddenly it seemed like it was a good idea to drink. I can't tell you how many desire chips I got.

I can't tell you how many times I swore I wouldn't drink. I so desperately wanted to quit. When I promised my husband and my three beautiful children that I wouldn't drink, I meant it.

I meant it with all my heart. I meant it. I will never do this again.

And I, you know, I I even, this is the truth. I even got a desire one time, drilled a hole in it, and put it in a chain around my neck. That's how badly I wanted it, and I couldn't get it.

And and that's why we have to go help other people get the truth because there's not much truth going on out there. I was at a meeting in Casper, Wyoming, and it was a pretty good group and there was a woman in there just like me and she was saying that I'm going to a treatment and I'm so sorry I let you guys down. I went up to her, you didn't let us down.

you've lost the power of choice and drink. You can't keep that commitment. It you can't.

And she didn't know what I was saying because we're so we're we're so conditioned to believe in life that if we just pull ourselves up by the bootstraps, we can make this happen. We're even conditioned in aa to be a winner, right? Hang out with the winners.

So, so the reason my life is unmanageable is because I've lost the power of choice. And that's the worst part of this disease because detoxing us from from the allergy, from the from the craving is pretty easy to do. I've been told that about 72 hours after your last drink, you no longer physically crave alcohol.

That's that's a done deal. What happens after that though is that your mind starts messing with it. Your mind starts telling you it's okay.

Here are the things our mind tells us, right? You've been making much too much of this. This isn't such a hard thing.

You know, when I went n months uh pregnant and didn't drink, I'm going, see, I went nine months without drinking. I can handle this. This is no big deal.

I went two hours without drinking. This is no big deal. Right?

I had a psychiatrist one time when I went into his office and I said, 'I think I'm powerless over alcohol.' He said, 'Well, you're not drinking right this minute, are you? You must not be powerless. Oh, okay.

That sounds good to me. Step one, we have to understand what powerless means. Powerless really means something big.

And unfortunately, we misuse that word so much. You know, when I was going to to sort of middle of the road aa, they use powerlessness to refer to everything in life. I'm powerless over my checkbook.

I'm not powerless over my checkbook. I mean, I might be broke, but but we can figure out a way to get money there. I mean, you know, it's not that it's not rocket science, right?

But I am powerless over alcohol. I am beyond human aid when it comes to alcohol. Well, you're powerless over people, places, and things.

No, I'm really not. No, I'm not. But I'm absolutely powerless.

Powerless means no power whatsoever. Not just I struggle with it means no power and that's a really tough place to be. We are absolutely beyond human aid and we have to know that in step one.

We have to know that. We have to fully conceive our innermost selves and fully understand that when I put alcohol in my body, I can't stop once I start. Even though maybe I was able to pull it off a few times, cuz I did pull it off a few times.

But for the most part, I know without a shadow of a doubt, this is why sanity is returned to me. I know without a shadow of a doubt, if I put any alcohol in my body right now, I won't stop there. I have absolutely no power once alcohol enters my body.

I don't care what form it's in, whether it's vanilla or nyquil. And later later on I found another one, but I'll tell you about that in a minute. Anyway, so I got the truth about step one.

And I took step one in 1999. When I got out of treatment, I came to this group. I was so fortunate.

I got I brought to this group and I got hooked up with a wonderful woman who was my sponsor. Um all I can say about it is um I didn't work the steps once I got started. Things became very important to me once I got here.

I really thought I had this thing down and uh I didn't work the steps very well. I didn't get a firm foundation. I became I I started teaching school and that became an obsession for me.

We really do work hard once we start working. Um I'm a great employee. You if you want your money's worth, hire me.

I I was teaching school making very little money, but I was up at 4:30 in the morning doing lesson plans and I wasn't going to bed until 10:00 at night. I mean I mean not finishing up till 10 o'clock at night. And I was wearing about a size two dress.

That's how hard I was working. I was insane. I was just going nuts.

And uh a couple of things were happening in my personal life that weren't too good. And I was getting resentments and I wasn't carrying the message. Um and in no time at all, I had a cough.

And I saw this cough syrup and it was robbitasen and it had only 1.5% alcohol. So I thought that would be all right. And I took the Robbitasin.

It triggered the allergy and the next thing you know I'm walking like a space creature. I went nuts. So I called my sponsor and told her what had happened.

And at that point she had left this group. She she left this group and she told me to come back here and that was the kindest thing in the world. She said, "I want you to go back to even though she wasn't happy here, she told me to come back here and she said, "I want you to find Darra Vasquez and ask her to be your sponsor." And that night I came through this door and I said, "About right where this guy is and and about right where you were, Daryl was sitting." I didn't notice Darla sitting there because I was terrified.

And Daryl looked at me at the end of the meeting and and she said, "Are you ready to get serious this time?" This was January 18th, 2003. And I said, "Yes." And she said, "Can you follow directions?" And I said, "Yes." And she said, "We'll see." I was sponsored from that very moment the way the perfect way to sponsor people. and that is it didn't matter to her whether I did it or not.

That sounds a little bit cold when you're new to this deal, but it is the perfect way to sponsor someone because no one can bring you to the point of surrender. Only alcohol can. Only we cannot sell anyone on sobriety.

We can't convince anyone of their step one. Either you are desperate or you're not. Either you have taken step one or you haven't.

And step one means that you fully have conceded to your innermost self that your power is over alcohol. You really get it. And when you fully concede to your innermost self your power is over alcohol, you're out of ideas.

There's no more, well, you know what I think? Who cares, right? And Darra has said that to me.

Who cares? Your best thought says suddenly it's okay to dream, right? You're out of ideas.

You're ready to follow direction. And see, years ago, I would have thought that that had to do with the sponsor's ego. Oh, you want you want to boss me around?

No, that's my ego, right? No, that's love. That's love to tell the truth.

So, I'm powerless over alcohol. So, what's next? I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.

Do you believe or do you not believe that's possible? Well, I believed it was possible for her. That's all I needed to know.

That's all I needed to know. The chapter to we agnostics, right, covers step two. You may or may not be interested in that chapter right away, but I think it's a fantastic chapter and it was really great for me.

Um, because it talks a lot in that chapter about the God of reason and that had been my idol or my God was my own ability to reason. And as soon as I was able to let go of that, I believe that's when my spiritual awakening began. And I've never been able to totally let go of that.

But a crack was made sufficient for God to be able to start coming through. So I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. And then you make a decision to turn your will in life over the care of God.

That's step three. It's very simple. You're just making a decision, right?

We're just making a decision to go on with the rest of the steps. I remember when we would have step three meetings in the past, we would always discuss our concept of God, right? In those discussion meetings, as God as we understand him, really the the key part of that is making a decision.

That's the key part because none of us have a decent concept of this God, you know, none of us have a decent concept of a higher power at this point. Um, so making the decision is the important part. And if we've taken step one and we realize that we're absolutely totally screwed, we have no other way out.

It's pretty easy to make that decision. It's pretty easy to move on with the steps. Okay, I think I will close there.

Um, and we'll go more a little bit more into steps two and three. Um, I sure do love you guys very much and thank you for letting me be with you tonight. >> >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise.

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