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Okay, our speaker tonight is Cindy Murphy. I'll tell you, it doesn't take long for me to think of something to say about Cindy. I get to carry the message with her at Salvation Army. She's not only a student of this program, but she's also a practitioner. You can just see it after talking with her just a few minutes. She's got this going on. Come on up, Cindy. [applause] [applause]

Well, good evening everyone. My name is Cindy Murphy and I'm a very grateful recovered alcoholic. It's only because I was willing to quit doing it my way and follow the directions of my sponsor that I haven't had a drink since January the 18th of 2003. And that is such a miracle. And you will see why it is such a miracle in just a few minutes.

Getting sober was a very, very tedious process for me. I was one hard-headed person. It took me a very long time to surrender and to get to my step one. A very long time. And I hope that that won't be true for some of you who are new. But that just was the path for me. It just took a long time.

But first of all, I'll just tell you a little bit about myself. I was born in 1952 in Greenville, South Carolina. A lot of people think in and out of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that alcoholism is the result of a bad childhood or things that just don't go right. You know, maybe growing up in the projects or something like that. Let me tell you that's certainly not the truth.

I grew up in a very loving wonderful family. My parents were Baptist. They had us in church all the time. They were teetotalers. Drinking was not part of our life. I never for one minute felt unloved. I knew my parents loved me. They took great care of me. They were not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination. My mother worked teaching nursery school and she saved every penny of that money to buy a piano so I could take piano lessons and send me to camp and give me things that she hadn't had growing up. I mean, I never felt unloved.

My brother and sister were quite a bit older when I was born. When I came along, my sister was fourteen and my brother was ten. So I think it's safe to say I was kind of a surprise to the family, but I still felt special. I didn't feel like a mistake. I was quite sure I was very special. I didn't doubt that for a minute.

And all was quite wonderful. I will tell you that there was some abuse in my family and it didn't come from my immediate family. It was off in the distance. I was the victim. I really was a victim of some terrible abuse that was coming down my way. And the reason I share that with you is because that is not why I'm an alcoholic. A lot of people think that's what causes alcoholism. And it does not. But I thought that for a long time. I was quite sure of it. I used to drink and say you would too if you had had this in your life. But really that wasn't the large part of my life. That was just a little hidden part of my life because for the most part my life was pretty sweet.

I did well in school. I had lots of friends. I later on down the road had a lot of therapy. I'm sure that my therapists all could uncover it and say, "Well, there's all this dysfunction." But maybe so. Basically, I had a very loving wonderful family and a good life.

I'm real grateful for the time that I was born because I got to be a witness to all kinds of interesting history. It was the time of the civil rights movement and I was living in the south, so that was real interesting. I got to witness the Kennedy assassination and just wonderful things. I mean, that was a terrible tragic thing, but it was a wonderful time to be alive, you know? It was a wonderful time for someone like me who liked to reflect and study history to just sit around and look at all these things.

I remember during the Cuban Missile Crisis, my dad built a bomb shelter. I just love the drama of it all, you know? I could write books about it later. Of course, I didn't, but I could have, you know?

So all went well and I was a very happy kid for the most part. When I turned fifteen, church was a huge part of my life and I was solid on that front. When I turned fifteen, my dad was transferred to another city and concurrent with that time, this was in 1967. At that moment in time, my brother went to Vietnam and my mother took to her bed with depression and we moved and my life kind of turned upside down at that time. I discovered alcohol. All that sort of happened that summer of sixty-seven.

I'll back up. Alcohol in my family, as I told you, we didn't drink. No one in my family drank. When I was a little girl, I remember our minister came over to dinner one night and he asked my father in that real Baptisty way. He said, "What do you think the worst sin is, Bill?" And my dad said, "Drinking." And the minister said, "No, greed." And I remember wondering. I thought, "What does greed have to do with drinking? How could greed be so bad?" The minister said, "Well, greed covers drinking, too." And I thought, "How can greed and drinking be the same?" You know, I later learned drinking can turn into a real greedy process.

I also remember when I was a little girl, my dad taking me to church one Sunday night and we had to park kind of far away from the church because there was some revival meeting or something going on. There were these men walking into a building with trench coats and hats, you know, back in the fifties, men always wore hats. And they were going down these steps into a building. And I remember asking my dad, I said, "Where are all those men going?" And he said, "Oh, they're the most pathetic men in the world. They're in Alcoholics Anonymous." [laughter]

And I remembered that, you know? These are the nuggets about drinking. And I remember I thought drinking was such a romantic thing. My parents would always say to me, "Don't drink. You just don't drink. We don't drink. And if you're ever with people who drink, you call us to come get you because that's just wrong."

And so one night I was spending the night with a girlfriend and her parents had a party and they were drinking. The adults were drinking. So I called my mother and I said, "They're drinking." And she said, "Who?" And I said, "Well, Mr. and Mrs. Moses are drinking. They're having a party." And she said, "Well, I'm sure they can handle it, Cindy. It'll be all right." And I was very confused, you know? Oh, it's okay if they drink. So I remember these things, these little nuggets. Alcohol fascinated me from the very beginning. I remembered every little thing about it. I remember going to people's houses and they would drink out of cut glass crystal. You know, the parents would and I just thought that was so cool and I couldn't wait to try it. Couldn't wait.

So in nineteen sixty-seven, I had my first drink. I went out on a date. We had just moved to Charlotte and I didn't know anybody. I hadn't started school yet. It was in the summer and I'd met this lifeguard at the swimming pool. I was going to be a junior in high school and he was going to be a junior in college. My parents finally agreed to let me go out if I went out in a group of people and all this, you know. Well, we know how we get around those things. Anyway, we went out and I had one and a half beers that night and my whole life changed. My whole life changed. I fell in love with alcohol instantly. It was fabulous. I loved the feeling. And I always say when I talk about this, boys had told me I was pretty before on dates, but this time I believed it. You know, I knew I was pretty. You know what I mean? This is cool. I loved it. And I couldn't wait to do more. I just couldn't wait. I loved every second of it.

And I did not get drunk. I had one and a half beers. It was just enough to feel nice and I wanted to recapture that. And from that moment on, every time I got a chance, I would drink. I believe with all my heart I was born an alcoholic. I believe I was genetically born with the gene for alcoholism.

I didn't drink to blackout that first night, but I did within six months. I was drinking and blacking out. And by the time I was sixteen, I was swearing it off for the first time. You see, I didn't ever want to be a drunk. Even when I was young, I didn't want to be that person. I grew up in this family where it was not done, you know? And I grew up in a time period where girls didn't do these things, you know? It was not done in my world. Girls didn't drink like this. No one I knew drank like this. Boys didn't drink like this. I drank like that. I was throwing up on people, you know. It was not pretty. I was throwing up on my clothes. I was coming to with my front porch light going off and on with my parents, you know, at the door.

One Sunday morning I remember I couldn't remember what had happened the night before and I came racing down the stairs to try to act like I was fine. You know that deal? Like, oh, I feel great this morning. And I fainted, right? And my dad said, "We're going to church." He didn't know how close he was to the truth about what I needed.

So that's what happened to me in high school. By the time I got to college, I discovered some outside issues and that helped me a lot with drinking. That's all I can say about that. It helped me delay the drinking somewhat. I mean, it wasn't so bad. And so drinking kind of evened out a little for me.

And alcohol is so cunning, baffling, and powerful in my life that here it was taking me down really hard when I was younger and then it evened out a little while. It wasn't so bad. You know, I was able to control it, or it seemed like I was able to control it for a while, and it was constantly doing this with me, you know? Up and down, up and down.

By the time I finished college, it still wasn't too bad, you know? I was able to get through school just fine. When I finished college, I had saved my money. Oh, that's the other thing. My parents did a great job. They had me working from the time I was sixteen. I worked every day after school and on weekends and I worked all through college and I'd saved my money. And when I graduated from college I went to Europe and I lived in Greece and then I drank ouzo around the clock. You know, I don't remember much about it. I do remember that Nixon resigned and I felt like I better get home because my country needed me. And that's the truth. That's really the truth. I don't remember anything about those months in Europe. I really don't. I was just drunk or hung over the whole time. It was a big fat waste of money.

I came home and I didn't really know what to do with myself. So I decided I would get married and I married the guy that I dated in college and it didn't work out and I blamed him. You know the deal. I was married for nine months. And then after that I didn't know what to do and I was drinking heavily, you know, it's picking up, picking up. So I did the only thing I knew to do, and that was to go back to school. I have a master's degree, but the only reason that's true for me is because I didn't know what else to do. Not because I have a plan, a master plan if I'm going to accomplish things. It's just that that's all I knew to do was to go to school or get married. I mean, you know, that's what I knew to do.

So I went back to school and I worked as a house mother in a dormitory. That's real good. I'm twenty-two years old, right? And I'm drunk and I'm a house mother in a dorm. And that's how I did that.

I got out of there and then I started teaching school in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. And that's where I lived and that's where I met the man I'm married to today. That's a miracle, too. We've been married thirty years. We had our wedding anniversary on the twenty-ninth, and he's been with me through this whole rigmarole and he is such a gentleman and such a prince.

Okay. So when I met him, he's nine years older than I am and really at that point in time, he was like more like twenty years older than I was. And he brought me to Dallas. And in Dallas, you could drink liquor in the bars. And that took on a whole new meaning for me because in North Carolina, you could drink beer and wine. When you bought liquor, you had to bring your own bottle and have special permits. It was a whole different experience. But here in Dallas, you could actually buy liquor with a credit card, you know? I mean, you could just buy liquor. You could order exotic drinks in Dallas, you know, like Rusty Nails, you know, things that I'd never heard of before. And so I was like a kid in a candy store in Dallas.

And every day he and I would get off of work and we would go out and drink every single day. And we got married. And when we got married, he started trying to build his business up. So he quit drinking when we got married. He quit drinking. I didn't. I couldn't. He was a heavy drinker and he just stopped drinking, you know, because he had work to do and I couldn't. So I thought, well, I need more things to do with my time. I was working at the time, but that just didn't seem to be quite enough to keep me from drinking. So I developed some hobbies and different things to do at night, but still, I couldn't quit drinking.

I thought, well, if we bought a house and I spent my time decorating it, you know, in the evenings, then I wouldn't drink so much. And that didn't happen. Of course, I drank and decorated the house. And then I thought, well, if I get pregnant, for sure I won't drink. And I did get pregnant. And I did quit drinking. I was able to stop drinking, mostly because I was very nauseated. But during that pregnancy, I didn't drink at all. And I didn't smoke cigarettes either. And that was just by the grace of God. I'm so grateful that I didn't.

But I didn't drink during that nine-month pregnancy. I did do a lot of macramé and I did a lot of artwork and different things, you know, just to keep busy. But the day those children were born, I had twins on St. Patrick's Day. My husband's Irish. It worked out real well. That day, when those children were born, you will understand this, women, I think. When those children were born on St. Patrick's Day, that's the first time I really felt like I deserve to be married to this man. I felt like I'd done something right, you know? And that's the truth.

But anyway, so the day they were born, at Presbyterian Hospital, they rolled in a margarita machine and they gave me an ashtray because in nineteen eighty, you could smoke in rooms and drink margaritas in the rooms. And that's what I did. That's the truth. And that's when I started drinking again.

My husband traveled all the time in those days and every day I would stay sober during the daytime and I would get those little babies' tummies so full at night with rice cereal so they would sleep through the night and then I would start drinking. And it occurred to me that they might set the house on fire. What if I caught the house on fire with a cigarette and I killed these children? So I decided I better do something about it. So I started thinking about that and what's wrong with me? Why am I drinking so much?

And I read an article in the paper about Ruth Carter Stapleton. She was President Jimmy Carter's sister. I think he was still president at the time. Yeah, he was. And she lived down here. She lived in Ellis Bedford. And she would have these spiritual retreats at her house in Ellis. And it was free. You just signed up and went. And I thought, well, you know, I'm so arrogant. I'm thinking, well, the president's sister is having retreats at her house. I think I can go there. That's what I qualified for. So I called and they said, "Sure, come this weekend." So I went to this spiritual retreat at her house and I walked in her house and she had this round library in her home. And I walk in and the very first book on the shelf that I see is this book called Alcoholics Anonymous. Isn't that something? That's the book I see. I quickly walk away because alcohol was not my problem. I'm trying to find out what my problem is, but it cannot be alcohol.

My problem is I'm married to a control freak and he travels and it's not fair. Right? That's my problem. My problem is I was sexually abused as a child and you would drink too. My problem is the world just has too many sharp edges for the sensitive soul that I am. I'm really a poet and no one recognizes my talent. I'm serious as a heart attack about this. These are the things I thought. These are the thoughts that are going through my mind. I'm just too precious for words. And alcohol is not my problem.

Well, as soon as I left her deal, and I didn't like her, by the way, I went to Seven-Eleven and got one of those big Fosters beers, drank it, and drove home.

I keep searching and searching and searching. In the meantime, I converted to Catholicism and I started teaching CCD classes. And I'm thinking, well, if I teach children CCD classes at the Catholic Church, Baptist wasn't good enough. Maybe Catholic will work out better. No, that's not working. I'm searching spiritually as hard as I can. I'm searching artistically as hard as I can. I'm searching every way I know and nothing's getting the job done. I'm starting to exercise. I join a health club. I'm walking every day. I'm doing everything I know to get sober or to not drink so much. Just to not drink so much. And nothing's working. Nothing's working. And I know in my heart of hearts that if I could just get all this stuff straightened out, I wouldn't drink so much because I desperately just want to be a good person. I really did. I wanted to be a responsible mother and wife. I wanted my husband to be proud of me. I wanted my parents to be proud of me. I didn't want to be a drunk. I really wanted to be just a nice person and I can't quite make that happen.

So finally, I'm reading the newspaper one day and I see this Dear Abby column and some woman had written in that I drink a bottle of wine every day. What should I do? And Abby writes back or Ann Landers or whatever. Run, don't walk to your nearest AA meeting. And I'm thinking for a bottle of wine that's nothing, you know? I'm drinking liquor. I'm drinking like a half a fifth or more, you know, at this point. I didn't know it could get worse. It can.

So I'm thinking about that and thinking about that and finally I decide I will get all dressed up and go to my first AA meeting. You know what I mean? I'm going to look like I don't belong there, right? And so I did. And I got to my first AA meeting and this was my experience at my first AA meeting. I walked in and I chose it because I like the name of it. I won't say the name of it, but I like the name of it. So I went into this AA meeting and the topic was, "Is it okay to drink communion wine?" That was the topic of my first AA meeting.

And everybody goes around and says something and then they call on me, the newcomer. And I said, because I love to be intellectual, I said, "Well, I just converted to Catholicism. And what I learned is the wine turns to the blood of Christ, so it must be okay." And they let me get away with that. They did. They said, "Good. Okay, that makes sense. All right." Nobody called me on that. Nobody. And I thought, "Well, this is fun. I like it. I get to talk, you know." So I went back to a couple meetings, felt like I was fixed. I went public with my husband. And I said, "I went to AA today." And he said, "Well, you know, a lot of movie stars go to AA and we'll just switch to Perrier and it's going to be good. You'll like it." Within a week, I was drinking again.

By the fall, I was trick-or-treating with my kids. By this time, they're like this was nineteen eighty-two. They were two years old. And I took them trick-or-treating. And I fell down in the bushes drunk. And the next morning, I woke up and I was totally humiliated and terrified. And I went to my next AA meeting. This time I didn't plan to go to AA. I went to church. It was November the first, All Saints Day. And I remember I'm trying to be a good Catholic. And I went to mass that morning and I was on my knees crying and the priest walked in and he appeared to give me a dirty look. Now he probably wasn't looking at me at all, but that's how I processed it. And so I got up and left and I decided that I would go shopping because I had my kids at nursery school that morning and that would make me feel better if I went shopping. And I pulled into a shopping center and my car just pulled right in front of a door that had a circle and triangle on the front and that was AA and I went to that meeting.

By then I started going to AA regularly. I was able to stay sober for quite some time. I always say that I was sober for seven years and I'm just here to tell you I don't know if that's the truth or not. I don't know how long I stayed sober. Somewhere in there I started smoking dope. Somewhere in there I took Nyquil. Somewhere in there I, you know, I don't know the truth. I really don't. I know I picked up a seven-year chip but I don't know whether I really don't know the truth about that. Because I was such a liar. I was such a liar. And I didn't even know I was lying when I was lying.

I thought that if you got up and said, "I'm an alcoholic." That was step one. I thought, you know, and I thought that was the extent to which one had to be honest, right? My name is Cindy. I'm an alcoholic. I've taken step one. I don't know how many fourth and fifth steps I've done in my life, but I've done a lot of them. And until I did my fourth and fifth step with Darra this time around, I thought it was confession. I really did. I thought it was just all the bad, rotten things I had done in my life and mostly all the bad and rotten things you'd done to me. That's what I really thought that was about, was just getting all that stuff off your chest. And I did a bunch of those.

So I did that at this particular juncture and trying to be sober. I went to tons of meetings. I listened to what everybody said and then I got real good at saying things myself. As you can tell, I love to talk and I got very good at it. I ran into someone not too long ago and she said she remembered something I said in a meeting once and I said, "What was that?" And she said, "You said that I have a luxury problem today. My pool's broken."

I said that in a meeting. That's the truth. I was one of those people. I was one of those people. I've made amends to that group. Incidentally, I did.

Anyway, I was sponsoring people. I was speaking. I was dangerous, but I didn't know any better is the truth. I really didn't. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. People would really think fake it till you make it was a tenant of AA. I really thought keep coming back, it gets better was a tenant of AA. I thought things like I have an addictive personality and I'm just sick as I can be but at least I didn't drink today and I don't have to get better. I'm recovering. I'm just a little bit better day by day. I thought it was good enough and it worked till it didn't work.

Now, I don't want to argue with anybody about terminology or what works. I know that there are a lot of people in Alcoholics Anonymous all over the world who don't use the book. I know that there are a lot of people out there who just go to meetings. I know there are a lot of people out there who don't work the steps. I know there are a lot of people who love discussion meetings. I know that and I'm happy for them and that's great and if it works for them, keep doing it. All I know is it didn't work for me. That's all I can tell you. It didn't work for me.

And it gets uglier because somewhere in there I started drinking again. And then I couldn't get sober again. So I'm not getting honest with my sponsor, my group, or anybody. So finally it gets so bad because now I'm drinking Nyquil. I don't know if any of you have been down that green liquid trip, but it's nasty. And I'm starting to get a little bit crazy. And people would say, "Well, why are you drinking Nyquil? You don't understand. My whole family thinks I'm sober. My whole world thinks I'm sober, but I'm able to convince myself if I'm drinking Nyquil, I'm not drinking." The alcoholics get that, right? Non-alcoholics don't get that. My husband would say to me, "Why don't you just go buy scotch?" Yeah. [laughter] Why are you doing that? He said, I remember one day he said, "Cindy, you've had a cold for like years." [laughter] What's up with this?" You know?

And I keep going back and I got honest with my group. When I got honest with my group and got honest with the women I sponsored, one of the girls I sponsored had to have special meetings just for her because her sponsor went back out. And it was all about her, right? And everybody was mad at me because I let her down. And I remember saying, "But you're sober and I'm drunk." What about me? The baby.

But anyway, I could not get sober again. I couldn't. I could put together a few days, a few weeks. I couldn't even put together a month of sobriety and I was getting so hopeless. Not to mention, I was getting so fat. I was getting bloated. I looked horrible. I can't even tell you how awful I looked. It was just awful. It was so ugly.

So finally, sometime I don't remember now, I went to a treatment center in Oklahoma and I thought when I got out I would be fine. Well, when I got out, I didn't drink any more Nyquil. I switched to vanilla extract. That's the truth. What I did first was I put coffee flavoring in my coffee and that was kind of expensive. So vanilla was cheaper. So I put that in my coffee and then I left the coffee out, right? And that's what I did. And I did that for a few more years and I just drank vanilla.

In nineteen ninety-nine, and all through this time I'm going to psychiatrist. My husband bought me a Nikon camera to give me a new hobby. I was going to psychics. I was going to church. I was watching television trying to put my hands on the screen and get healed. I mean, I'm telling you, and I'm going to AA, too. And all kinds of people are sponsoring me, and I'm having people tell me that I better hide everything of value because my husband's going to leave me. I have people, I mean, I'm getting advice from all kinds of interesting people. And none of it has anything to do with the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. None of it. And I feel like I'm losing my mind and it was horrible. It was awful.

In nineteen ninety-nine, I went with my family on a vacation and this time we went to Montana and I stayed sober for three days and I was just holding on for dear life. It was over the Fourth of July weekend and I didn't drink and I'm holding on and holding on and holding on and I'm miserable. And we got home and on the morning of July the sixth, I couldn't hold on any longer. And I got up that morning and I went to the bar in our house. We had a bar. We never got rid of the bar. What good would that do? I know where to get alcohol, right?

So I went down to the bar and I took a big swig of Amaretto. This is the first alcohol out of a liquor bottle I've had in years, you know. And I took this big swig of Amaretto out of the bar and I went into an instant blackout. And that's never happened. Just one swig and blackout. And I stayed in a blackout and I don't know how much I drank after that. I don't know what I drank or how much I drank, but I was in a blackout for about twenty-four hours. And the next day I wake up and I've got a broken tooth. And I hear my husband downstairs talking to someone about hiring a bodyguard just like out of the book, you know, because he's afraid I'm going to drive. He doesn't know what to do with me. And my mind, you know how our mind races, what am I going to do? What am I going to do? And I'm thinking, thinking, thinking. Okay, what do I do? I'll go to treatment. You know, that's what I'll do. I'll go to treatment. I'll voluntarily go to treatment. Don't you just love it when you hear people say, "I went voluntarily to treatment." Yeah, right. And I thought, "Well, I'll go to Betty Ford. That'll do it." God had other plans for me.

And interestingly enough, I was desperate. I really was desperate. And I went to a treatment center that many of us had been to. And I don't promote any treatment center. I have no interest in doing that. I don't even think treatment's a good idea, frankly. But however, there was a guy there that we all know and he's going to be speaking here the last Saturday of the month. And he introduced me to the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. This is nineteen ninety-nine. I've been in AA since eighty-two. Seventeen years have gone by. And I got introduced to the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous seventeen years after I went to my first AA meeting.

And he finally told me what was wrong with me in a meeting bigger than this. And I'm looking around and some people are nodding off and not paying attention and I'm going, "How can you not listen? This is unbelievable." And he got us right in the book instantly. The first thing he read to us, which was such good news for a drunk like me, he got us to the Foreword and he said, "We of Alcoholics Anonymous are more than one hundred men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body." He said, "Recovered." And he didn't make any bones about it. That was so much hope for me because I'd just been recovering forever. Recovering, in my opinion, and that doesn't mean anything. I'm just going to share that with you is a therapy word. It's just a therapy word because that's intellectually that makes more sense to say recovering, right? Because we're never cured. But what Bill and Bob and the first one hundred told us is that we can recover from this. What good news. Thank God I don't have to be walking around two days here, five days there. I can really recover from this, right? So that was really good news.

And then he got us over to the doctor's opinion and when he said, you know, we believe and so suggested a few years ago that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy. Well, I had heard that allergy thing in meetings for years. But nobody really told me what that meant. And I thought it was nonsense. I thought that was just a euphemism for when I drink I get drunk, you know, just a nice way of putting it—I throw up when I drink, you know. But he said that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class. And he explained that for me as an alcoholic, my liver and pancreas don't process alcohol the way other people do. And that's what triggers this phenomenon of craving. So that's why I drink too much when I drink. It's not because I'm sitting there going, "Woe is me, I need more." My body is demanding more. My body's demanding more.

See, all these years, I think I'm drinking so much because everybody's mistreating me. Because that's the only thing that adds up for me. So my mind's telling me everybody's mistreating me. So now I'm starting to make up stuff about how you're treating me. I'm making it up, right? I'm married to the sweetest man in the world, but to this day, I can convince myself he's a son of a you know what, because I can be a victim of anything. I was a victim this weekend. That was till I found out I wasn't. Okay.

So now I know why I'm drinking so much. It's not that I, you know, when I would go to happy hour all those times, and you're out with your friends and you order a drink, and I always thought that the reason I kept drinking so much was because I changed my mind. I think I want more. I thought I was just changing my mind. I think I'll just have some more. This is