Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. If you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-rise.com.

Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Thanks, Kevin.

I'm an alcoholic. >> I have a sobriety date March 31st, 1972. I have a whole group Thursday Men's.

Uh I have a sponsor. That's his name. I've watched three of them.

He's the fourth one. He's nervous. I uh I uh found that uh by attending meetings of alcoholics anonymous that if I start my day every day with asking for God's guidance to help me through the day, applying the program which is the 12 steps uh to my life, applying the uh four absolutes of honesty, unselfish is love and purity and continuing to attend a meetings and come into the fellowship of alcoholics anonymous so that I can watch the good examples and judge myself as to where I am from slipping back or staying up there.

U I've learned that over the years u you know if you got a year if you got a month or if you whatever you have out there and I got 36 years about the only difference between us right at this point in life is that the ice on my pond's a lot thicker than yours but you know ice is slipping no matter how thick it is. So we better do the same thing every day no matter how long you're in here and do the right thing. Uh, I don't wish people a a merry Christmas or a happy new year.

Uh, new year's coming. The reason I don't wish it is because I can guarantee it if you do what I just got done saying. Uh, you know, doesn't mean that you won't have a sorrowful year.

Doesn't mean that things won't happen in your life. Right now, I'm dealing with my wife being in a nursing home. Hopefully being able to get out.

's been hospitalized since November 6th. And uh probably the longest I've made many times she's been in there. And um you know, like I've always said, I've learned what the serenity prayer is for.

It's to accept things you don't like. You never have to say a prayer for something you like. I mean, I don't if you win the lottery, you know, next week, I'm sure you're not going to say the serenity player before you cash your ticket.

I mean, to make sure you can accept it. So, so you don't have to worry about things you like. You can just worry about them things that you don't like.

There's nothing acceptance doesn't mean you have to like it. And acceptance means you just understand and accept it. And I took me a while to learn that, but I understand that today.

I started drinking when I was around 15 years old. I don't get into my childhood. I don't get into gum loving.

I don't get into none of that junk. The only thing I'll tell you about my childhood that was important is it was long, like 40 years. Other than that, it's not nothing really important about it.

I uh I was born and raised down on the south side of Cleveland. That's that place they call Tmont now. They changed the name of it so they could sell them $20,000 homes for 20200,000.

But it's still the south side. And I started my drinking in Lincoln Park. And back then Lincoln Park was not like it is now.

Now it's a flat piece of grass land with a swimming pool in that. Back then it had hedges around it. And I'm not exaggerating when I say they were 12t high and 12t high and it was like a little town in there.

You didn't go in there after dark unless you were part of a I always say a group be nice about it. Probably was a gang and uh but I was you know got nosy as to what was going on there when I was around 15. So I I hooked up with some guys and went into the park and hand me a bottle of beer and terrible stuff.

I couldn't understand. I didn't drink this chunk. It just I did not like beer and uh but to belong I did what I had to do and but I learned something quick about beer.

You know if you if you shoot it down real quick three four times you know you burp a lot. If you burp a lot and you spill a little on you and you carry the bottle around you stink. And that that's as bad as you'll stink.

I don't care how much you drink. So, you know, I I would just take my time and I just watch people and and I could act like, you know, I could act like somebody that was had six beers or eight beers or 12 beers or it didn't really matter. I just watched them and acted like them.

And and one of the things that when I finally started attending these meetings and and you know I always I always used to wonder if the the greatest day in my life was when I went into the rosary hall. But sometimes I think the greatest day of my life was the day that I was sitting in the meeting and realized I belong here. Cuz for the longest time I didn't think I was an alcoholic.

And once I realized I belong here, then I started realizing why we had a program. Because I could act dumb without being drunk. And I could act stupid without being drunk.

And I could act miserable without being drunk. And I could act hateful without being drunk. And pretty soon them things weren't an act anymore.

That became me. That became me. And I needed that program to get rid of all that stuff.

And I I learned that the program didn't give me a it didn't save my life. It gave me a new life. The life I had wasn't worth saving.

And that's these are things by looking back and forth that I found out by coming to these rooms. But I I I started drinking just to belong and and all of a sudden we were coming on about this time of year and one of the guys said he said he knew an older guy and if we all chipped in and get us some alcohol in different packets called liquor and uh he came up with we all sat in the Lincoln Park over there on Christmas or New Year's Eve with a pint of blended liquor and and a cigarette for a wash and and I welcomed a friend in my life man. I took a good slug of that thing and I'm not going to tell you I didn't burn going down, but I I drank straight booze till the day I came in a from that day.

Yeah, you know, if you drank straight, you'll understand. It was a nice burn. So, you know, not too bad, you know.

And I shot the second one down. That went down a little smoother and warmed up the stomach a little bit more. By then, a little bit of it started creeping up.

And uh I'm thinking this stuff is it's not too bad. It's pretty good. By the time I shot the third one down, that went down smooth, which meant instant manhood.

And uh and then all of a sudden, the rest of it started hitting my head. And that stuff went from not too bad to magnificent. And and you know, and it gave me some of the promises that uh that we get in the ninth step today with our red hair.

And uh only difference is that alcohol gives it to you as a hook. And then once it gets you, if you take it back a you can have it, you can keep it if you want for it. And uh I I found that, you know, all of a sudden I had that that new attitude and outlook on life.

I I don't know if the world liked it, but I thought it was pretty good. And you know, I had like a peace of mind. I don't think I had serenity.

I probably was a little drunk, but I didn't know that. But I had a peace of mind and and I didn't have all of a sudden I didn't have any economic fears. I didn't have fears to other people.

And that wasn't a good idea. I drank a lot on 25th Street. You should have feared some people, but you know, a lot of times I look back on that and you know, 50, 60 years ago when you drank on 25th, you got in a fight.

I mean, you walk outside, you fight, one person walked back in, the other one might crawl back in. Everybody bought each other around the drinks and you kept drinking, you know, you'd shoot each other and stuff like that. So, it was a little bit different then, you know, a little calmer, I guess.

But uh you know I I found out intuitively I could do anything while I was drinking and if I didn't have all the rules I could ask the guy next to me that was drinking and he'd fill them in cuz we all we all knew everything you know and alcohol started doing things for me I couldn't do for myself. I don't believe I was instant alcoholic. I didn't I didn't have that that physical craving for it uh or compulsion.

I didn't have that that mental compulsion to drink. I didn't have none of that yet. I could take a drink, I could leave a drink.

Most of my time became a performance because they'd say, "I don't watch other drink." And I'd perform. And people would say, "Well, guys, you know, you're 16, 17, 18, you shouldn't be drinking that much." And I, you know, my comment always was, "I'm a pole. I'm supposed to drink that much." And, and I believed it.

I believed that all pocks, you know, drank as much as I thought I drank. And u I don't think they're all alcoholics, but we did our share. I mean, there's no doubt about it.

Pat's a good friend of mine. I always say we took the Irish and the Bullocks out of you have small groups again. But uh but yeah, I I uh I was one of these guys that I I was proud of how much I could drink.

I don't think I ever lied to anybody the amount that I drank because I wore it like a badge. I wore it like a badge. I got through high school, just skated through the center.

got out and went to work for a company. I got I put in a little over four years with that company. I retired from around 15 years ago.

And that would have never happened if I wouldn't have found the doors of AA. And and like most people, I I didn't come in a uh because I woke up some morning and thought I was an alcoholic. I I had my higher powered I used to wear a black robe and have a little mallet in that, you know, and uh and I I ended up getting in a lot of trouble with the law.

And I walked in here on the 13th edition. That was a desire to stay out of jail. I had no desire to quit drinking.

That's for darn sure. That just became a requirement at that time. That's all not a desire.

But I I uh I went out on my drinking and and you know I I don't I don't know when I truly maybe crossed that line and it's unimportant but after looking back on my life and that I would tell you it was somewhere was I was skating into the army or skating out of the army. But I worked about 18 months at this company and in that 18 months I I I should have probably lost my my job permanently. There's no doubt about it.

I I think I had something like nosiness and lazyism and and I don't know alcoholism maybe was creeping in there but I was a bar drinker. I loved bars. I mean I you know it was like I don't care what bar I went in when I walked in.

If it was carpeted I said just the one I was looking for. If it had a dirty floor it was just the one I was looking for. It was bright.

It was just the every now and then I walked in the one that lost their license and that wasn't the one I was looking for. I I should have understood that maybe alcohol play a part in my life, you know, but I uh so I really like bars and I when I when I started working for this company, I was in like a type of an apprenticeship program machinist and you did a lot of you know a little stuff on days of studying and back then you had you know you had to learn how to grind tool bits and stuff like that and but they they said you got to go second shift at 3 to 11 uh to run the machinery and I I didn't think I was going to like it. When I first went on it, I knew I didn't like it.

And and I I don't know about you people, but if there's anybody in here that was a good solid barroom drinker, you know, it's it it was almost like AA, you know, you had like two or three bars that you went to, but you always had a home bar and you had that bar that when you walked in, you know, there was no such a thing as reserve, but you still had that same your seat and and when you sat was going to sit there, your drink would be there and and all the, you know, and and if you were smart and you watched the what you call the the the the good drinkers that you thought like, you know, the good AAS, you know, you you'd realize that, well, you put your cigarette pack here and your car keys here and your change here and, you know, you got to set this all up, you know, and you had to do this whole little this whole little act in this bar and and then you went to that bar every day. Every day. And if you went to that bar for 1,000 straight days, if you missed the 1,000 first day and come back the next day, the minute you walk through that door, everybody at that bar will turn around and say, "You should see what you missed yesterday." It'd be like, "Yeah." You know, so now I'm going on second shift.

I'm going to miss a lot. You know, there's something wrong here. You know, and I never realized how important that bar was to me until I looked back on that.

And and that was one of the things that when I when the guy told me that I could punch out for lunch and go up on 25th, I did that. I found out that that wasn't a good idea. Um but I, you know, I turn around, I'd go back and I'd get a pass and he'd say, "I understand, kid." And I'd leave for the rest of the day.

But I pushed it. And after 18 months, I uh I I went to work for two weeks of days and I walked in on a Monday for second shift. I went to lunch and come back in two weeks on days.

And they said that no, you know, 3 days no work, 3 days, no call, automatic quit. I said fine. I was going to walk and uh the union run up and said, "We're going to save your job." And I said, "Good, go." And I I went on 25th.

I run into my buddies and uh we start talking and I said, "You know, it's mid50s. Uh we're, you know, we're all single. We're going to get drafted anyway.

Why don't we volunteer draft?" And they looked at me like two hits. I don't know, six, seven, eight double headers later, we walked out of the bar right into the building next door and that's where the draft form was and we volunteered draft and you know I had looked at that. There was a bar across the street and one on each side of this building.

was I bet you they never had a single letter out people constantly going in to regret. But I I went back to work and I gave them my my letter and they said, "Well, that'll make a man out of you." And they just rescended everything and I had my job and I went off to the service. You know, I I was born and raised Catholic, but somewhere along the way, I just was I was not what you would call a practicing Catholic.

I did not disbelieve in a God. I I believed that there was one. I didn't use them.

I didn't blame them for anything. Didn't give them credit for anything. It was just I went along with life.

I, you know, they said, "Keep it simple." I kept it simple. If things didn't go right, it was your fault. And if it went right, it was my It was my, you know, I was the hand of it.

And, uh, and I used to always say I was lucky. And a lot of people used to say I was lucky. And when we all volunteered, drafted and went into the service, we took eight weeks of basic and we took eight weeks of advanced infantry.

and the rest of them went off to the infantry and and played soldiers for the next two years. And I went down to South America and was trained as a as a topographic surveyor working for Army Map Service, TDY, American Geogic Surveys. And I traveled around South America making topographic maps for Army Map Service.

I didn't get in trouble in the military because I didn't have military duty. You don't have military duty, can't get in trouble. I got a straw hat.

cut the sleeves off my off my fatigues, cut them into a pair of shorts and and walked around in clogs or something and and put jungle boots on when we surveyed in the jungle and and uh and just walked around and did my thing. Um my claim to fame, I guess, down there was I became a very heavy scotch drinker. And I used to say I drank scotch, but I was a classic top shelf drinker.

And in fact, it was the cheapest second cheapest drink in South America. I didn't come in a puking drunk, you know. I always said, well, it's one of two reasons.

Either I was, you know, I got here before I started puking or I'm just too cheap to puke out what I put in. One of the other probably the latter. But, uh, but anyway, scotch.

I drank scotch because scotch I could drink straight. I I drank straight liquor. And I always said that that's why I didn't get sick.

I drank straight liquor. That stupid cold and ginger ale, you know, soda and all that junk. That's what get you sick.

And the cheapest drink in South America was Roman Coke. And that was a sweet mixed drink. And I always say if you threw up and drank sweet mixed drinks, you deserved every puke you had.

And that stuff wasn't made to mix. Why would you mix it? Why would you take good alcohol and throw it in good orange juice or something and say, "I got a screwdriver." You want to go get hammered?

Drammers. You know, I started drinking boiler makers. I didn't like a hammer.

So I drank scotch. Now scotch was $410 a gallon. when I when I was down in South America and that was for Chevets, you know, don't get a plane.

That was in the 50s. But I mean that that was, you know, that was pretty cheap as far as I was concerned. So that's what I drank.

Um when I got out of service, I walked into a bar and states here down on the south side and then get my double header of scotch and hell, I think it costs more than I made an hour, you know. I wa That's it. You know, there was a sign said drink caliber and I killed my way to AA.

I I became a a shot in a beer guy. I never liked beer all of a sudden. You know, oh, you got to try it.

And you know, the oldtimes down on the southside, you know, they they they said, "You got to start drinking these Heeny Hawkers." And if you're not old enough knowing Hawker is, that's a double letter. They take the shell glass and fill it about half full with beer and they give you the beer free, which they don't do now. And you shoot a little shooter down, sip of beer, you know, and and that's the way you drink.

And I from there, I developed it to drinking the boiler makers. a good Plex, I suppose. But, you know, real quickly from there on, I I started dating this gal that uh I had known him for a number of years, but we ended up getting married 1960 and but we celebrated 48 years in in August.

We're still married, mainly because she stayed in that first 11 years. prank. You know, uh when when we went up to that altar and and and uh uh was supposed to take them vows, she took the vows and I said the vows and that's something like the program, you know, you can read the steps or you can take the steps.

Depends on what you want to do, you know. And uh she took them, I mean, I sent them. That was it.

And life went on. I mean, it was like things were the way there was no change. I just had what I was supposed to have a wife and then I love my wife as best as I could love a wife or a person at that time in my life.

You know, it was a lot different than today. And uh and we got married in 1960. And we had two children and my two sons were one was four, one was six when I when I went to Rosary Hall in March of 72.

And during that period of our marriage, I ended up u most people they hide hide bottles or something so they got a stash someplace. Well, first of all, I never drank at home even though I had a bar in the basement cuz I like bars. I liked them so much I bought one.

I mean, you know what the heck? If you want to stash, you might as well just have a key that you got 247 stash and walk in anytime you want. And I had that place for about seven years with my father-in-law.

And um what that what that place did for me is it just got me in more trouble because it got me out of trouble if that makes sense. But uh during that six-year period I I was charged seven times with DWI. I was charged once with aggravated vehicular homicide and a couple other charges and I basically danced through most of them.

I just just just like it was non-existent. I I was like I became a person that that would when a cop car would pull me over it would be in my mind I'm thinking boy is he wasting his time cuz I thought I was untouchable. I just thought that I was completely untouchable.

By having that bar I ended up campaigning for people that won judgeships and and I ended up with a lawyer that his wife was a judge that his wife's brother was a federal judge and I know and and and you just back then you just got out of things you never should have. I mean, when when I when when when when I was charged with that aggravated vehicular homicide, a year later, I was found guilty of of uh what they found guilty of something. I don't even know the the terminology of it.

It was vehicular homicide homicide by a vehicle in the second degree. And and I got a slap on the hand of a fine and didn't even lose my license and they turned me back out on the street. And you know, I look back at that, that was criminal.

I mean, they they didn't even address my drink. Didn't even address my drinking. That that was like in ' 69, I think 72.

They they lived me out in that road that long. And I look back on that and I think I mean, you know, I used to say that God watched over me. God didn't watch over me.

God watched over everybody else and kept me out of here is what it was. you know, because they were the people that deserve to be watched over. And um so I I I don't, you know, I don't talk a lot about that because that's nothing to brag about.

Nothing to brag about. Uh then were the things though that brought me to AA. You know, I was not a person that that was this lovable person.

I was not a people pleaser. Um nobody was very pleased with me when I walked into Ross Hall. I treated people some like a hand towel in the men's room.

You know, when you're all done, you just wipe your hands on it and you throw in a waste can, you know, and and cuz there's somebody else going to come along, so why worry about it? If I drank with you in a bar and walked across the street and you fell in a manhole, you better have a ladder because I wasn't going to waste my time getting out cuz why bother? I could walk in a bar across the street, sit down, buy somebody a drink, and pick up on the same conversation.

Guaranteed if I could remember what the heck I was talking about 36 years ago in a bar. I could walk in a bar tonight, buy somebody a drink and start talking about it. We talk about it like it was today's news.

We had no idea what was going on yet. We thought we knew everything. My world was this big.

About the size of a bar stool. That's all my world was. That's all I knew was sitting on that bar stool, you know, and just went along with anything that went along inside that bar.

And that's that's the way I just went along. I I treated my parents bad, my my wife, my children, and it was all a matter of just not being there, not not being willing to give them a minute, not even a minute. And and that's how I lived my life.

That was that was not good. And um there were reasons I should have come in no matter reasons that I stay today. I mean, because I understand me today and I like a little bit better what I am today than I was.

But I I uh was going into 1972 and and by then, you know, I'd been in and out of courts and everything else and the system was pretty sick of me. Even though, you know, I had not did anything major yet. I mean, they hadn't done anything major to me is what I should say.

In 1972, I was about 8 days into 72 and I got I got hit on the corner of Virginia and Ridgewood and DWI. I got pulled over for weaving. Always got pulled over for weaving.

always told them I don't weave. I'm a good driver, but they always pulled me over for weaving. I've been I haven't got a ticket for weaving in 36 years, so maybe I was weaving.

But uh but I I I got this ticket for weaving. I got a DWI. I got to George Spanle and and he literally he threw a ticket out cuz he went to he went to the law school with with my lawyer and his wife.

But he really chewed me out and said, "If you see me again, I'm in trouble." And yeah, it was maybe 8 weeks later, corner, Virginia, and red state cop, another weaving, another DWI, back in front of Spanico. This time he reduced it to to reckless driving and said I needed to learn a lesson. He said reckless driving, took my license for 6 months, put me on two years or 40 probation, fined me $500, and and I walked out and I drove to Baron's Bar.

I bought people around the drinks and told them I got out of it because I wasn't found guilty of DWI. I shouldn't have been driving. Eight days later on the corner of Virginia Ridge, got pulled over for Weaveland, another DWI.

This time I got a ticket for driving with suspended driver's license. I got this other oddball ticket. And and I'm looking at it and the cops looking at me.

He said, "What what's with this?" And I said, "Well, this ticket," I said, "What what'd you give me this for?" And he said, "Well, you told me you had no car insurance." I said, "You've been pulling me over for 3 months. I've never had car insurance. You never gave me a ticket before." He said, "What do you mean you never?" I said, "I don't why would I want to buy car insurance?

That's a waste of money, >> you know." And and he he looked at me and he said, "Uh, he said, "Do you own a home?" And I said, "Yeah." And he said, "Well, you know," he said, "If something happens, you don't have, you know, you can't pay for it. You know, they could take your home away from you." And I said, "So what? I'm never home anyway." Now, that last statement, I don't remember saying that.

The reason I know that I said that is 10 years after I come in a cop come in a he reminded me of that and he told me he said you know he says I drank for 10 more years because when you said that I figured I wasn't as bad as you know I just thought good for you but uh but we're friends today he's he's in aa and he's doing well and he's got his 26 years or so. But, you know, I look back on it and that's that's the kind of person I was. I I I had a wife and two children sitting in that house and I wasn't taking care of the house for them cuz they that wasn't what was important to me.

Alcohol was what was important to me. And however I got it, I got it. But when I I knew this was going to throw me in jail this time.

He told me he would. I got bailed out. I went home.

I start packing a bag, messing around, walking around about 5:30 in the morning and my wife said, "What are you doing?" Now, I got to tell you, I think from the moment I was born, God walked with me and tried to guide me through life. It's just that I didn't pay attention if he didn't get my attention. At age 35, he started to get my attention.

And I and I also believe God talks through people. I mean, I don't think I'd woke up in the middle of the night when he was sitting on the edge of my bed. I'd be a little nervous.

But my wife, you know, she looked at me and she said, "Look, it's 5:30 in the morning. Probation isn't going to come and send a cop to get you and all this good stuff. Why don't you lay down and get a couple hours sleep when you get up?

Maybe you might think differently." Now, I'm not going to tell you my wife didn't make sense. It's first time I heard my wife say something that made sense. That's all.

And I thought, "Okay." And I laid down on the couch for a couple hours, which my wife then made a phone call when I have to be eternally grateful for how things would have turned out in her life. She called my boss. Now, this guy didn't have to come over the house either.

But he come over the house. He drove over the house and he picked up a pamphlet someplace about DWIs and they woke me up and he explained to me what could happen if you get arrested for a DWI. By then I had a master's degree in but you know finally I just looked at him I said Jim if I go to jail cuz he he they had promised me four to six months of jail spent if I go to jail for 4 months do I have a job and he said hey he said you know you're on salary he says uh we don't give jail leaves to to people where you're on salary you got you don't have that much vacation you'll lose your job and I said well waste of time Now Jim was the plant manager.

He could have said, "Yeah, go ahead, get your things settled and come back to work when it's done." You know, had he said that, I might not be standing here today because I would, you know, if I had a choice between sitting in the workhouse for 4 months and or, you know, giving up drinking, I I may have chose going to the workhouse and going back to work. I don't know. I don't know.

But I didn't have too much of a choice this way. And and I told myself, we'll waste our time. I'm just I'm just going to cut out of here.

And and Jim said the right thing, but not maybe for the right reasons, but who cares? It's bottom line that counts. But he said, "Look, you're you're you you got a job today.

You got insurance. You're on salary. Uh why don't you go to this place called Rosary Hall?" He said, "You can take the cure for your drinking.

When you get out, you can do whatever you want to do, but at least you won't drink and your money will last longer. and while you're in there, you'll get paid because of the insurance. And and the only thing that clicked in my head, if there was a person at the time, was working for me in the machine shop and he was in Alcoholics Anonymous.

And he used to tell me about this Rosary Hall and they have this nun there and all of that. And if you go in there, the cops don't bother you unless you want it for murder. And and the only thing when he said Rosary Hall is that's a hideout.

I can go in there for a while, plan out my next move. I said, "Okay." So he called this guy up in Virgil and off the rosary hall I went. Uh when I went in there back then you order pajamas and you wore a robe and you didn't watch television and you didn't read a newspaper and you didn't get no letters and you didn't send no letters and you didn't get no phone calls and you didn't make no phone calls.

That was just fine with me. I didn't want nothing to do with the outside world knowhow. I had 10 days I stayed in there.

In them 10 days I I can tell you I ate good and that was good. I didn't drink and that was good. And I had quit smoking 6 months before that on a vet and I ended up not smoking in Roseville.

So when I left there I knew I'd never smoke. I didn't have things about not drinking. And uh and I didn't leave there thinking I was an alcoholic unfortunately.

I I would stand there and look at them 12 things them steps. One time, Father John the Baptist McCarthy was standing there. We're looking at him and he said, "Well, what do you think?" And I said, "This powerless over alcohol." And he said, "No." He said, "You know," he said, "if you can admit you're powerless over alcohol in your life's not." He said, "You admit you suffer from the disease of alcoholism." And he said, "The monitor we hang on you is alcoholic." And I said, "Well, then I'm not one." He said, "You're not?" I said, "No." I said, "I'm not powerless over alcohol." I I just didn't believe I was powerless over alcohol.

I just couldn't get that through my thick through my thick head. He thought about you got seven DWI. I said, "So what?

I drove 4,000 times like that. What's what's the big deal?" I mean, and you know, I've learned that DWIs don't make you an alcohol like alcohol does. Where getting a lot of DWI, you probably got an alcohol problem.

You're drinking a lot of alcohol. But I wasn't looking at the alcohol. and and you know sometimes I think look at that I think that that's that's the thing that maybe ruins a lot of people in these rooms and I was very fortunate because I I didn't take that drink until I realized I belonged and uh but you know all you got if you come in here and and you only look at the results of your alcoholism and the and the results are a DWI don't drink for a year don't have a DWI for a year you You know, if your results are you're not paying your bills, don't drink for a year.

You start paying your bills. If your results are the boss that works ready to fire you, don't drink for a year. Your boss starts thinking you're a great person.

If you're fortunate enough that your spouse stays with you for that year, you might even start smiling at each other, you know, and all of a sudden you think, "My life's not unmanageable." because you've never looked at the unmanageability with alcohol. And the unmanageability with alcohol with me was I was an irritable, restless, discontinented person that alcohol could suck back in anytime it felt like it. And if I remained an irritable, restless, discontinented person, I would drink again.

And if I become an irritable, restless, discontinented person, I will drink again. And that's what them steps were there for. And I didn't realize that at the time when I looked at it.

And uh so I come in and start going to AA meetings. How did I go to any meetings? Herman Wall was a director here.

He came in on a Saturday morning the day I was leaving. Called him in his office said, "I understand you don't think you're an alcoholic." I said, "No, the enemy of eating of alcohol list a full open." And he said, "Well, why don't you go to some AA meetings?" I said, "I don't." He said, "If you go to them, you might not go to jail." I said, "Maybe I'll go to some ali what the heck." And uh and I walked out of there. When I got home, there was a letter on the table saying uh you know, you take a drink, you're going to jail before this is settled.

It was from Parallel Courts. I had two little beaters in the garage and they had the state come and take the plates away. And they just said, "Don't get behind the wheel of a car." I got a bus pass and I looked at this list and I circled meetings that I could get to on the bus route.

There's 79 bus route. Far east, as far south as it went, far north as it went. Be willing to walk maybe up to mile.

I used to walk a lot anyway. And uh I could get to about 49 50 of them meetings. And then I started going to meetings and you know I I started going to meetings for various reasons.

None of them were to stop drinking. Uh but I would go to meetings because first of all I played big shot in bars. I I own the bars.

I play big shot in the bar and all that. You know it was more important for me to buy you a drink and get instant recognition than pay a bill or something. You know, I mean that that was secondary.

They got paid, but they were secondary. And and uh and so I I I you know, if you play big shot in the bar, you sure is that guy going to take a bus to the bar? That's the great not take a bus to an AA meeting.

Boy, they pat John back and say, "You must really want this. Just keep up the good work." You know, and then I'd go home and my wife would commence to tell me I'm still a jerk. And I'd say, "Wait a minute.

You talk about these good people at AA meetings and they're telling me what a wonderful job I'm doing and there must be something wrong with you. You're probably sicker than me. Maybe you better look at yourself and and you know and we drive people crazy even after we get sober.

I mean we don't you know we don't have to quit drinking. I mean alcohol has affected all of us and everybody around us unfortunately. And uh and so I I I would come home from work on the bus and I'd sit by the kitchen table and I'd watch my wife cooking and she'd be looking at me and I'd say, "What are you looking at?" She'd say, "That's what I'm trying to figure out." I tell her, "Go pull." I' I'd go to the A meeting and uh the guys at the AA meetings, they start telling me, "You got two sons at home.

Maybe you got to start playing with them." I said, "Oh, okay." So, one day I come home and I set him on the living room floor and I sat down in front of them and we stared at each other and I thought it was about an hour. It might have been 5 minutes and uh we're staring and finally they figured this jerk don't know how to play. So, they're start playing and and you know two kids playing just normal sounded like 50 kids screaming at me.

That's how shot my nerves were. I didn't know what alcohol had done to my nerves. So, I went to an AA meeting.

They weren't the wrong reasons to go to an AA meeting. They were the ones that got me here. I mean, if they weren't there, I might have not attended an AA meeting.

If I'd had to wait till I had a desire to stop drinking before I attended an AA meeting, I'd probably die drunk. I got the desire to stop drinking attending AA meetings. I learned I was an alcoholic attending AA meetings.

I learned there was a solution attending AA meetings. And I learned what kind of a person I truly was attending AA meetings. And then I was told the kind of person I could be if I attended the meetings and put the program in my life.

And I ended up with sponsors because they walked into my life. I didn't walk into their life. I'm this is 18 months now.

I'm going to meetings and I'm not I'm not thinking I'm an alcoholic and I don't know what I'm doing here. But I'm here and eventually I'm going to get out of all this trouble and I'm going to be out of probation and by then I'll have it all figured out how I can start drinking and everything's going to be okay. and and you know I'm that close that close and all of a sudden you know I lead a meeting and and uh and uh you know I I was leading meetings even before I thought I was an alcoholic because I thought you needed a good lead that's all I would tell you what to do and you know I didn't believe I had to do it but I'd tell you what to do and that wasn't too good because I just got caught in trouble again no good rotten life I was going to drink and and I I'd gotten my driver's license back and and no computers and that's why I got attacked.

All you people know how to play with computers, but I I ended up uh at Rosary Hall on a Saturday morning and my friend Lou Williams was sitting there like he always was and uh we talked and I just sort of spilled some of my beats to him and all he said is look he said just don't drink today. Don't drink today. He said if it doesn't work out, drink tomorrow.

We don't have tomorrow. We don't have today. So, you'll never you'll never take a drink if you don't drink today.

And uh I walked out of there not drinking. I had that I had a lead coming up and I wasn't going to do it. Somebody said, "You got to." So, I got up there and I I sort of somewhat confessed that I was, you know, I wasn't leading the life I was preaching and I was a phony and all that.

And people got up and made the famous comment that you still hear a lot today. I I've heard I've heard people I've heard I heard a man get up and lead a meeting and say that I haven't been to a meeting in 6 months and my boss is ready to fire me. My wife's ready to divorce me.

My kids hate me. And they'd sit down and people would stand up and say, "Just keep doing what you're doing and you'll be okay. Why don't you just buy them a drink?" I mean I mean you know I mean you know and and when I got done with mine I had people say you're up there today.

You didn't take the drink. Keep doing what you're doing. You'll be okay.

And Ted Rusnik was in the back of the room and he stood up and he had about 32 years then. That was in 73. And and he stood up and he said, "Keep doing what you're doing.

You'll be drunk in two weeks." And he sat down. And he became my sponsor. He walked up to me.

He gave me his card and had Ted Rusnic his phone number. Call me before I take the first drink. And you have a slot in the card.

There was a dime in it. They gave you that. And um he took me over to the east side uh to the club over there, Broadway Harbor Club.

And introduced me to Gus Pataki who I really knew. I knew Gus from the southside cuz that's where Tiger Shop used to be. And I knew Gus when he was drinking.

And u and he said, "Gus is going to be your other sponsor." And they didn't say co-sponsor. He said, "You be your other sponsor." He said the book says that if you had a god, if you had a church, give it a try again. It might fit in for you.

He says Gus is Catholic. He's practicing. Run with him.

maybe you can build up on your spirituality again, find that God that's just been laying around for you. He took me over to the angel group and he introduces me to Neil Craraven. He said Neil Craraven's got two sons that's about six, seven years older than yours.

He says you watch him. He said you might learn what a father is. He says he's doing things with his sons and he's involved in little league and he's involved in wrestling and stuff like that.

He said the three of us and he said I'll take care of the rest and and then this is when he said well we're going to look at getting into the program of alcoholics anonymous and he says I'm a major power of alcohol life's unmanageable and I said I'm not. He said what do you mean you're not? He said I'm not powerless.

He allowed me to to talk myself into being powerless. See because I stopped at a bar every day. I mean, there there was no there was no reason that I had not to stop at a bar because there wasn't one good enough.

And I would always call home at 3:00 and say, "I'm leaving work. I'll be home at 3:30. Put supper on." And and when I said that, it even sounded strange to me cuz if my wife put supper on at 3:30, she was crazier than me cuz I was never home at 3:30.

And you know, I'd be driving home and I'd be going by Barrens and and I live a mile and a half from Baron, but I'd be going by Barrens. It'd be maybe 20 after 3, 25 after three, not pulling for a drink. And Ted said, "See that it's that that that mental compulsion to drink." And I said, "No, it's not." I said, "You know, when you drink in bars, there are rules.

I didn't used to drink in bars. You know that there's rules. I mean, first the first rule is if you tell a spouse you're going to be home at 3:30, you don't come home at 25 after 3.

Did you give them 5 minutes today? Don't want 10 tomorrow. You come home a little bit late to appreciate you more.

Just a little bit. See? So, you stop for a drink.

Well, yeah. You know what happens when you stop for a drink? But I didn't know then.

And I would have my drink and and I would walk to the door slowly. I mean, parents had 105 bar schools. I mean, somebody's got to come into Jano.

Maybe my good friend Pat might come in the door. Well, what the heck? I haven't seen Pat since last night.

Maybe I better buy him a drink. You know, until you buy Pat a drink and so I have a drink. Well, you know, if you're a good alcoholic, that's when economic alcoholism kicks in.

Any bar drinker knows this. You buy somebody a drink, you don't leave till somebody buys you one back. If it takes two months, cuz you don't want it stamped on your head sucker.

I mean, you know, you got to So, you stay there till somebody buys your drink back. And by then it might be 5:00, but good grief 5:00. I mean, you know, you go to any bar.

Going tonight, you'll see people drinking at the bar at 5:00. Tomorrow, drinking at the bar at 5:00, Wednesday, drinking at the bar. Ask them why they're drinking.

They'll tell you it's 5:00. They're not going to tell you you're an alcoholic. I mean, alcoholics are safe drivers.

We never drove in traffic. That's why we got home 4 in the morning. There was no traffic.

You know, I mean, that's sound good to me, you know, and then, you know, it's like 6:00. Well, she the wife might be a little mad. I told her I was going to be home at 3:30.

You know, I told her that for 10 years. I mean, she might be a little mad, you know. Well, you know, today the program teaches us if you do, you know, promptly admit when you're wrong.

Um, I think the bars taught us to give them another hour to cool off, you know, so you'd stay till 7:00. At 7:00, I'd be arguing with her. Of course, she didn't know I was arguing with her, but I was arguing with her.

You know, who you think you are making me come home? I was the one that said I was going to go home. She didn't tell her.

And so I' I'd teach her I'd drink till 8:00. And by then, I forgot I had a wife. And these guys just looked at me and they said, "You know, one little drink and you couldn't keep a promise to yourself.

Can't keep a promise to yourself. You can't keep a promise to yourself when you take one drink of alcohol. Who's the boss?" They had me on that one.

They had me on that one. And at that point, I was able to admit I was powerless over alcohol. And and I understood the irritable restlessness and discontentment that I was over alcohol.

My life was unmanageable. And all they told me is, you know, do you want to become, you know, I was a married parent when I walked in a you want to become a husband? Do you want to become a father?

Do you want to become a true son to your parents? You want to become a good employer to your employer. If you want to become all of that, then that's what them steps are for.

That's what Pataki always told me. He said, "You were born a human being before you were become an alcoholic." He said, "Now you're a miserable human being and you're an identified alcoholic." And he said, "Then 12 steps are to help you not take another drink and to make you a better human being." And he said, "That's what the goal is in here." And he said, "That's what you got to strive for." And he said, "The way you do that is you find a God. You find a God of your understanding that you can trust.

Not one that you just know exists, but one that you can trust. And when you do that, then you do certain things in your life to clean up the past so that you can live it a day at a time." And he says, "While you're doing that, then you start making amends to people." And he says them steps are written as a way of life. It's the kind of life that people want to live once they start living it and understand it.

And he says all that is is to make your powerless and your life's unmanageable. And when you do that, then be willing to find a power greater than yourself that can restore you to sanity. Don't pick an oak tree cuz an oak tree can't restore you to sanity.

Unless you got that oak tree to kid, then we'll take all the mental patience. Then it won't just cure the world. Trees don't restore you to sanity.

You got to find a higher power that restores you to sanity, you know. And when you do, then be willing to turn your life or your will over to its care, over to that higher power. I call it God as well as the steps, too.

And and you know, most of us that come in, we know darn well that we're doomed because of the life that we led. See, you know, we knew right from wrong when we were when we were out there on the street. Cuz if we didn't know right from wrong, we'd have never lied.

We have never lied. We have always told the truth. Instant lie out of every time I open my mouth.

It was an instant lie, you know. So I, you know, I had to put down them things that what's blocking me from God. I wrote it down.

Fourth step. What do I do with it? I tell it to somebody, tell it to God, tell it to myself.

What do I do with that? I look it all over her and say, do I want to continue to live that kind of life? If I don't want it, then I take a sixth one and I become willing to have God remove it.

Take a seventh one and ask him to remove it. And just remember when when you're asking for defects to be removed, do the sevenstep prayer. Just have him remove them defects to get you out of the way to become a better person so that you're useful to God and to another human being.

Don't get up and say, "I think I'll pray for tolerance today because you're going to have a bad day. I mean, God's going to give you all kinds of, you know, opportunities to test your tolerance. You know, you might get a speeding ticket.

You might get an accident. You know, don't do that. Thank God, you know, and then go out and make them amends and and you know, when I got to the event step, I had that accident and it was a number of years from that accident.

We talked a lot of talking about that. They tell you to really talk it over with people before you decide to make some amendments. Cuz I really didn't have a problem running up on somebody's porch and knocking on their door and saying, you know, that accident that I was involved in so many years ago that that your daughter was killed in I played a part in that accident.

I'm really sorry. There's something I could do. So, and they looked at me and said, "You can't do that." They said, "There's no way that you can do that." That them people have been sitting there recovering for maybe 10 years.

You don't have a right to open the wound. If if God wants you to make that direct amendment, it'll be made. Friend of mine in Morin County took it 36 years, but it it was made for him cuz he waited and I can wait, you know.

But you're not off the hook. You know, they I I learned that when I got into the 10th, 11th, and 12th step, that 11th step will tell me every time what I'm supposed to do. And I I was told that by Gus, he told me, he says, you know, he says, if you really practice the 11th step, he says, "God will always tell you what to do." And I said, "I I don't believe that." I He's not going to talk to me.

He said, "How many times through your life have you sat there and heard something good on the TV or the radio, heard something good that somebody said, a thought come in your mind that maybe was decent, and you followed it up by saying, "I'll never do that." He said, "Well, every time you're sitting there and meditating and a thought comes in your mind that I'll never do that, go back to the previous thought because that's what God wants you to do." And it works. It truly works. There's one little catch to this though.

If you're going to sit and meditate, you know, read a 24-hour book, read read a reflection book, read the big book, you know, if you're into religion, go ahead and read your Bible or whatever you read, you know, something decent before you take it over your mind to meditate. Because I'll tell you guys, if you read Playboy, I'll tell you what you can meditate on. So, I mean, you got to know what the heck you're getting your mind set on before you meditate.

You know, by doing that, I was able to rebuild a life with my wife, a life that we were supposed to have from the day that we were married. And probably a better life than I would have maybe rebuilt before that. But, you know, I understood then what love truly was because I was capable of now becoming honest.

And and and I was told to just take that honesty and unselfishness in daily daily practice. And I found out that that the honesty is that I got to be honest with people. When I take inventories, I got to look in the mirror, not out the picture window because it's easier to take it's easy to take inventory looking out the picture window.

And and uh and I I found out that when they talk about absolutes, I know I can't be absolutely honest for 24 hours. I can't be absolutely anything for 24 hours. But I'll tell you something.

I can be absolutely honest for a moment at a time. And if I improve a moment at a time, I I'll improve daily. You know, I I look at the 12 the four absolutes is is uh nothing but the north star.

You know, the sailors used to sail on the North Star. They never got to the North Star, but it always got them where they were going. Used the absolutes the same way.

You're never going to be perfect, but it'll get you where you're going. And by doing that, I was able to put that relationship together with my wife and understand what giving love was. Because if you'd asked me what love was when I drank, I would have described giving love.

Not giving it. Not giving it. I understand purity is it's simple.

Is it good? Is it bad? Is it right?

Is it wrong? That's it. Just let it go with that.

Keep it simple. Unselfish. Just do the opposite that I did when I was drinking.

You know, start giving back instead of taking. And because of that, I was able to get involved in a lot of volunteer work, a lot of things outside of AA in AA, and just in the world in general, just live that life in general, be available for my two sons as they grew up. And they're fortunate.

They don't have the problems that I had. They don't have any any of that. They uh and and they're they're both good.

I call them good kids. They're both in their 40s, but but they are. I mean, you know, my wife's been sick a number of years, and and they're there for to help out.

they they call her and they're right now they're visiting her daily and I go there and and it's it's you know it's just things in our lives that we've been able to put together to become a family to become a family you know and it's to become just a stable solid family to live together and that's what it's all about that's what this is all about to just become that little bit of a better person that you were before you walked in these doors and hopefully you know be able to help the people that were there helping you a long time ago. And don't worry about some of these people that say, "Well, they can't deal with these Earth people." Them Earth people ran this world while we were drunk in the bar. So, don't pick on them.

You know, I think maybe they didn't do too good a job the last few years, but you know, but you know, that's that's the way it is out there today. And and it's all because of this program. I'm able I'm able to get along with my sons.

I've been to travel with them and have good times. I've made good friendships in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I've got a life today that never ever would have thought of, never would have wrote.

I I've learned that Alcoholics Anonymous will never make you wealthy, but it will give you riches that nobody can take away. It'll give you riches that the only thing that can take it away is a drink of alcohol. And the only one that can make you take a drink of alcohol is yourself.

And as long as I take care of myself and keep this program in my life daily, I'm not going to take that drink. And if I don't take that drink, I can keep them riches. I can keep them riches and I can enjoy life where life's to be.

And enjoyment is not necessarily being around things that you like, but but you can at least at least you can be part of the solution and part of the help for it. And that in itself, you can at least get a decent night's sleep when you do that. And for me, you know, it's it's it's been that kind of a life.

And like I said in the beginning, I'm not going to wish you a happy new year. Live the life or you'll have a happy new year. Thank you.

Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.