Row Your Boat Gently: AA Speaker – Dan P. – Fort Worth, TX
Dan P. from Fort Worth shares his journey from denial and daily drinking to sobriety. An AA speaker tape about surrender, trusting God, and finding peace through the steps.
Dan P. from Fort Worth, Texas spent decades as a functioning alcoholic—a lawyer with money, success, and two failed marriages—while convincing himself he didn’t have a problem. In this AA speaker tape, he walks through the moment denial finally cracked, how he came to believe in a Higher Power despite years of skepticism, and what it took to stop trying to control everything and start rowing his boat gently downstream.
Dan P., an AA speaker from Fort Worth, describes his journey from active alcoholism through denial to sobriety, focusing on his struggle with powerlessness and his eventual spiritual awakening through the steps. He explains how he overcame intellectual resistance to the concept of a Higher Power and learned to trust God by watching how others lived the program. He also shares the central metaphor of his recovery: “row your boat gently down the stream,” which represents doing his part while letting go of the need to control outcomes.
Episode Summary
Dan P.’s story is a masterclass in how far denial can stretch. For nearly thirty years, he drank daily—a half-quart of whiskey most nights by himself—yet insisted he wasn’t like his mother, who died of alcoholism when he was in his late thirties. He was a successful attorney, had money, owned homes and cars, wore suits to court. He wasn’t sleeping under bridges. So how could he be an alcoholic?
The problem was that Dan P. never questioned his own thinking. He failed two marriages because he couldn’t feel compassion for his wives during their mental health crises—only anger that they weren’t “holding up their end of the deal.” He rationalized his drinking as social, even as he sat alone in his office with a bottle. He believed willpower was the answer, both for himself and his mother. And when his business ventures started failing, when his relationships cratered, when everything that used to work stopped working, he still didn’t connect the dots.
What finally broke through was a simple conversation. A friend who’d gotten sober invited Dan P. to an AA meeting. He hesitated. He was “really busy.” But something shifted. He went to that Tuesday night meeting at a small group downtown, and for the first time, he saw people with “bright eyes” who weren’t drinking. They welcomed him. They didn’t judge him. They had what he needed.
That first night, he read half the Big Book, went home, and drank a half-quart of whiskey. The next day he said, “I’m not going to drink today,” and by 5 p.m. he was drinking again. By the second day of reading the book and trying to stay sober, something shifted. Walking back to his office after a particularly painful meeting, a thought or voice said to him: “I thought you weren’t going to drink today.” His heart pounded. For the first time in decades, he had no booze in his office. Two emergency calls came in. An hour passed. He didn’t drink.
That evening, December 18, 1986, he went back to that Westside group meeting and picked up a white chip.
From there, the real work began. Dan P. had two huge obstacles: admitting his life was unmanageable, and coming to believe in a Higher Power. The first step wasn’t the problem—he knew he was powerless over alcohol. But admitting his life was unmanageable? He was a partner in an international law firm. A sponsor sat him down and asked, “What would you pay someone to manage your life the way you’re running it?” The answer was obvious: he’d fire them. So they fired him—the old Dan P.—and he surrendered that part.
Step Two was harder. Dan P. had tried every religion, studied Eastern philosophy, even converted to Catholicism because a girlfriend had something he wanted. He’d given up on God. But a sponsor—an eighth-grade dropout who’d been under the bridge—told him something that landed: “What’s one more ridiculous thing in your life?” So Dan P. got on his knees and prayed to a God he didn’t believe in, like writing a note and throwing it over a wall. And then something happened. At 90 days sober, he realized he was sober—and it wasn’t him. It had to be somebody else.
Dan P. worked the steps methodically. He wrote down the qualities a God would need to have for him to believe in God: all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving, all-forgiving. He added “a little overweight, trying to quit smoking, and has a good sense of humor.” He could work with that.
The breakthrough came when someone pointed out that he trusted a bus driver he’d never met not to run him over, and he trusted other drivers at 70 mph not to drift into his lane. Why couldn’t he trust a God who loves him more than he loves his own children? That image—the depth of his love for his sons, and being told God loves him even more—finally cracked the shell. He began to trust.
By the third step, Dan P. understood: his job is to do the next right thing. Not to control the outcome. To pray about it, think about it, decide, check it with another alcoholic, and do it. The results are God’s business. That freedom—not being responsible for results, only for action—changed everything.
The fourth and fifth steps were equally transformative. Looking at his resentments and fears, Dan P. realized something he’d never seen before: it was always him. Not his ungrateful kids, not his “yo-yo wives,” not the clients who wouldn’t do what he wanted. It was always him. And that realization freed him. If it’s his perception, he can change it. If it’s other people’s fault, he’s stuck. But if it’s him, he has power.
Steps eight and nine—amends—weren’t easy. Two years sober, his business went under. He had to file personal bankruptcy. But even in that failure, he saw God’s hand. He’d been calling another alcoholic every day, and now he had a group of five or six guys who called him back. When he panicked about losing everything, they asked him: “What do you need today that you don’t have?” The answer was always: everything. He had everything he needed for today. Not for tomorrow, but for today.
That insight—”I have everything I need for today”—became his anchor. Over fourteen years, he’s seen it hold true, over and over.
Dan P. ends his talk with the metaphor that defines his recovery: “Row your boat gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.” His job is to row. His boat. Not anyone else’s. Gently downstream—going with the flow, not fighting it. With gentleness and ease. Merrily, because God’s will for him is to be happy, joyful, and free. And the only person standing between him and that is him.
He closes with a parable: two rooms in the afterlife, identical feasts, identical people with arms too long to bend at the elbow. In one room, people starve. In the other, they feed each other. The difference isn’t the setup. It’s the willingness to help one another. That’s what AA did for him.
Notable Quotes
I thought I was too young and too cute to be an alcoholic.
This is the only disease that I’m aware of that tells us that we don’t have it. Cancer doesn’t tell you you don’t have cancer. But alcoholism tells you there’s nothing wrong with you.
If I know that it’s me, I’m not the victim anymore. If it’s your action that causes me pain and suffering, I’m screwed. But if what happens is me, I can change me.
What’s one more ridiculous thing in your life?
Do the next right thing and you’re not responsible for the results. That’s somebody else’s business.
Row your boat gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream. My job is to row my boat. My boat. Gently downstream. And merrily, because God’s will for me is to be happy, joyful, and free.
What do you need today that you don’t have? I got everything I need for today. I don’t have everything I want for today. I don’t have everything I need for tomorrow, but I got everything I need today.
Step 2 – Higher Power
Step 3 – Surrender
Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
Spiritual Awakening
Acceptance
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 1 – Powerlessness
- Step 2 – Higher Power
- Step 3 – Surrender
- Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
- Spiritual Awakening
- Acceptance
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
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Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. We hope to always remain an ad-free podcast, so if you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-onrise.com.
Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Hi everybody.
My name's Dan Penn. I'm an alcoholic. >> I'm grateful to be here sober tonight.
Uh is it just a year? It seems like longer. It's a pleasure to be back at the glass house uh and see some friendly faces and and a lot of faces I don't recognize and and uh but we're the same we're the same folks.
Um, I remember when I went to my very first meeting and um, and I looked around and and uh, there were people with bright eyes and they weren't drinking, they said. And I wasn't sure I believed that, but um, what I found was that that we were all alike in that in that we all had a problem with with booze. and um and you guys had a solution.
You were willing to share it with me for fun and for free. And I'm really grateful for that. Um I didn't set out to be an alcoholic.
I thought I was too young and too cute to be an alcoholic. Um and and I I'd watched my mom die of this disease in 1975. And uh God, I didn't I didn't want to be like that.
Um but there I was getting up every morning saying, "I'm not going to drink today." And by 5:00, I'd be drinking. It was awful. It was awful.
So I came to you guys and the miracles started happening. Uh Eve, I hope they're happening for you. Congratulations on that 60 days.
That's a really neat deal. Um, I'm supposed to tell you briefly um what I was like and and what happened to me and and u and what I'm like today as a result of what happened to me and and I'm going to try to do that in the next little bit. Actually, I'm through.
I'm supposed to limit it to five minutes on it. Um, but I'll try to do that. Um, I grew up here in Fort Worth and in a in a very normal uh family, I thought, and and there wasn't any active alcoholism going on in my house and and there was a lot of drinking.
Um, my folks had two or three drinks before dinner every night and and it just always seemed like a festive time. It seemed like part of living and and and a really good part of living. Um they had parties and there was always booze at the parties and and um but I never I never saw anybody getting drunk and and disorderly.
It was a it was a uh a normal childhood growing up. I had two brothers, one older and one younger. Um and and life was pretty good.
Um I remember moving over to the west side of town. I grew up on the south side and I moved over here on the west side uh when when I was about nine and and I remember uh being ill at ease for some reason or another in this new school in this new neighborhood and and I never really got over that. Uh I wanted to be somebody else someplace else doing something else with somebody else.
I just didn't fit in my skin. Um, when I was about 14, um, I don't remember my first drink. I I remember though that I that I went uh when I was about 14 to a movie with some older guys and and they had some beer and and uh and I drank a little more beer than everybody else did and I threw up and and got got home uh went to bed and got up the next morning and thought, you know, this is this isn't bad.
This this booze deal. You know, I can drink with these older guys. I got to do something about the puking.
If I if I can do that, this bruise deal is a pretty good deal because it made me feel it made me feel different. I I felt like I fit in till I puked. Um and and that just started a pattern for me.
I I I began drinking uh every time I got a chance after that, usually on the weekends. Um and and I and I learned how to drink and and not puke. And um uh I um about that time uh got hooked on speed as well.
We didn't call it speed in those days. It was dexadrine and and that made me a little nervous. So you had to lace it with Miltown and it was kind of a tranquilizer and and it was sort of better living through chemistry.
And I did that for I don't know uh eight or eight or nine years. And uh and and and really had a hard time getting off the speed. Um and looking back, of course, everything I tell you is stuff I've learned from doing this fourth and fifth step.
Looking back, um the way I got off to speed was I just simply increase my alcohol intake. Nothing to it. Um, booze was my drug of choice and and um and and remained that way for a long time.
Um, I was, I guess, a moderate to heavy drinker. Um and and um the book talks about the various our our book and and those of you um who don't have a copy of this book, Alcoholics Anonymous. Uh it's the uh owner's manual.
I'd suggest that you get one and read it. If you're like us, you'll find yourselves in there. Um uh it contains the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and it contains some stories about uh various people like us uh and how they lived and what happened to them and and what they were like after.
Um I found myself in that book. I I always wanted to be a big shot cuz I knew if I if you thought I was a big shot um then maybe I could feel better about me uh than I did. And uh and I always knew one day they'd write a book about me.
And sure enough, they did. Um it's this one right here. I never thought it was going to be anonymous, but uh I found me in there.
And uh and if you're like me, you'll find you in there, too. Um I um I I was sent off to to military school the last two years in high school and and uh it was either that or reform school. And I still don't know whether I made the right choice going out there, but I did.
and and uh and I went from there and and every chance I could get off of that campus out there where everything was regulated. Then I would have I'd find a way to find some whiskey and and and drink and be with the other guys and and things were things were pretty good. I left there and and went uh uh I guess after I after I got out of high school, from that point on until I found you guys, I was a daily drinker.
Uh I drank every day. Not I didn't get drunk every day, but I drank every day. And um and I went from uh New Mexico Military Institute where everything was regulated uh uh to the University of Texas where uh everything was not regulated.
And I spent the first 6 months uh at Joseph's Beer Garden before I found out they were holding classes up at the other end of the street. And u well I thought if they didn't care whether or not I went to class, why should I, you know? Um My father got to the point where he didn't care whether I went to class either or not.
And he said that was the end of of his financial support. So I came back up here to TCU and where I could get a job. I couldn't get a job in Austin those days.
There were so many students and so few jobs. And so I came back here and and got a job and and crammed a four-year course into about six and a half out of TCU. um drinking all the time and and partying and having a wonderful time and and I and I never was a very good student.
I graduated from TCU and and went out to the West Coast, moved out there to make my fortune. That didn't work. And came back here and went to law school.
And for the first time in my life, I I really got involved in something that I that I was good at and I really liked and and uh and law school was the thing. And and as I say, I was a daily drinker by that time, but because of the workload, uh the drinking was was way down. Uh but for the first time in my life, I used uh booze as a medicine.
I I would work hard during the week and and I'd get through 9:30 or 10:00 and I couldn't go to sleep. And and I found a couple of shooters would just smooth that thing right out. and I could go to sleep and and it would just kind of shut the mind down a little bit.
And um and I did that on a regular basis every day. I' I'd get through with with my work 9 or 9:30 and I' and I'd have a couple of shooters and something to eat and I'd go to bed. Um, I got out of uh of law school and and uh and had a really good job uh offer and went up to Washington DC and and worked for the Justice Department for four years and and uh and again uh I was drinking all the time but I mean every day but only after work and and and it was just never see it just wasn't a problem.
Booze wasn't a problem for me. part of life, just part of everything that was going on. Um, I tell you that and and I I also looking back can tell you that denial was was rampant even then.
Uh, I look back at at u I had my first uh automobile accident uh drunk before I had a driver's license. I was down in Crestwood and I I just happened to be down there the other day and I and I drove past there was a tree in the middle of the street and I remember going right for that tree because it looked to me like there were two of them and I was going to go between and I ran right and and one, you know, I didn't have a driver's license. It was some family member a neighbor's car.
It was and I was in it without permission and I did a lot of that. They they used to call it stealing cars. I I never thought of it that way.
Exactly. It was we'd borrow a car and go joy ride and it take it back and they had no sense of humor about it at all. Um I got caught every time.
Um anyhow, I I got out of u law school and I was working for the Justice Department. had a wonderful time and and uh by the time I got to you guys um I heard people talking about blackouts and if I could have taken a lie detector test and passed it um and tell you that I I never had a blackout. But in doing that fourth step and talking to somebody in the fifth step, it occurred to me that I had my first blackout when I was 18 down at the University of Texas.
Uh, I went to a party and from 7:30 on I had no memory of it. But they had pictures of me the next day. They showed me crawling around on the floor on my hands and knees looking up the little girl's dresses and u I didn't have any memory of that.
And that happened a lot um by the time I got to you guys. It didn't happen often early. I mean it it was later there were a lot of blackouts.
Uh but I never thought of them as blackouts. I don't know why. Um I came back to Fort Worth and and opened up a practice about this time.
Uh my younger brother had left home maybe four, five years before that. and and my mother started drinking uh pretty heavily and and uh by 1970 she had full-blown alcoholism and uh and it was really causing a problem in my family and by that time I'm drinking a half a quart a day and and it doesn't seem to me like I've got a problem. So I lead the family intervention on my mother.
Logical choice. and uh I thought I knew a lot about alcoholism. I didn't.
Um and she uh sobered up for a couple of years. She wouldn't go to ANA though cuz you guys just weren't her kind of folks, you know, and so she wouldn't go. And as a result, she started drinking again.
Within four years, she was dead um of this disease. And and again, I thought I knew a lot about alcoholism. I kept saying, you know, I I don't drink like she does.
I can't be an alcoholic. Never even occurred to me that I was an alcoholic. All I knew was that I didn't drink like she did.
And why in the hell couldn't she control her drinking? I mean, it was just a matter of of uh willpower. You just needed to have a little willpower and and she didn't have any.
And I thought it was a moral failing on her part. Um and and I and I watched her die of this disease. It was a terrible thing.
Um I gotten married my last year in law school and we had a couple of boys and and and the marriage was good and the practice was great as long as I was with the justice department and during the law school years. I got out and opened up a practice here and and all of a sudden the the the competition was different for some reason or another. Um, it seemed to me that comp the competition was in in order to be successful at law practice, you had to one make a lot of money, two uh have a lot of toys, three have the the prestige and the and the good wishes of all of your um peers and and um and and I kept fighting for that and and and wanting that and and and I got real lucky and and got that um uh all I wanted of that.
And what happened was that the the uh the more successful that that practice got, the the less successful the marriage was. And we had these two little kids and and my wife went crazy and and uh went into a mental institution and and she uh stayed there for about 6 months and and came back out and we did some family therapy and it got a little better and and uh and then she went crazy again and was in there for a year that time and and uh and I was uh mom and dad and lawyer and I mean I had a lot of hats and and I tried to wear them all and and u and I just to show you how selfish and self-centered I was. Um what happened for me was I couldn't feel any real compassion for her.
All I felt was anger because she wasn't holding up her end of the deal and I was having to hold up both our ends of the deal. And um and so what happened was um we went to some more family counseling and and she could tell the counselor what was wrong with her and and how she felt and um and I couldn't and she got better and I didn't. That simple.
We got a divorce and and I left that marriage busted and and but I I still had a good practice and and so the money started flowing again pretty quick and and I started playing and I had a wonderful time for a few years. Uh I did a lot of traveling and and uh fun stuff and and and again I was a daily drinker and and it just never occurred to me that booze was a problem for me. I was a heavy drinker and I knew I was a heavy drinker, but I could hold my booze, you know.
Besides, I was just a social drinker, right? And and somebody said, and it's it's true for me. Um I was such a social drinker that every time somebody said, "I'll have a drink," I'd say, "So shall I, you know." Um but it just didn't seem to be a problem.
just didn't seem to be a problem. Um, I was 40 years old and and uh and I swear I'd never get married again. And and um uh one one thing I got to say about that that first marriage is is during that time I was so angry about her not holding up her end of the deal.
The result of that was that there was a bond between my kids and me that even my most active alcoholism couldn't break. And I I'm really grateful for that. I uh today uh I didn't realize it then, but that um that was really a a wonderful plus for me.
Um so I swear I'd never get married again. I'm single about 5 years. I'm playing and having a wonderful time and doing a lot of traveling and uh there a lot of relationships uh with women in my life.
Some of them lasted a night and some of them a a few nights and and um it didn't see that didn't seem to me to be anything strange. I mean it just seemed to be the way the way it was going and and so um I swear I'd never get married again. And I I'm 40 years old and I meet this 19-year-old blonde, gorgeous country western singer.
I can't just I can't live another minute without her. And we get married and and uh and have a great time for a couple of years and and then I ran out of money. I had to go back to work and and uh and our marriage fell apart.
And uh strange, we went to counseling uh and she could tell the counselor what she was feeling and I couldn't and she got better and I didn't. You may notice a pattern here. I I didn't until I got to you guys.
Uh it was a very angry and acrimonious divorce and I left that marriage busted and but the practice was good and so um I I started playing and and carrying on some more and was having a really good time. And all of a sudden though uh my uh former uh Midas touch just turned the turn brown. I mean it just it was just uh like like it had been a a 360 degree reverse.
I I started making some really bad uh business decisions and and investments and and uh and things started cratering for me and and I did what I what I always had done. I I had never tried to quit drinking uh to quit drinking. I I've always had a weight problem and and so once in a while I would I would say, "Oh, I'm I've ballooned up too much.
I need to start running and and get back in shape." and and um and I couldn't do that and still drink and so I quit drinking for however long. It took a month, two months, 3 months, 6 months and it just wasn't a problem. Well, uh in 1986 I things weren't going well and I decided that I needed to um get my life back in order in a normal way.
And I was getting up every morning saying, "I'm not gonna drink today, and by five o'clock, I'd be drinking, unless it was the weekend, in which case it might be a little earlier." I remember thinking, I I didn't drink in the morning like my mother did. And uh and I remember saying that after I got to you guys and and a woman that I dated some uh when we were both drinking was in a in one of those meetings when I was whining about that. And and after the meeting, she said, "Well, didn't we drink some mimosas in the mornings on Saturday or Sunday or some or some Bloody Marys?" I said, "Well, yeah, but I mean that was a weekend, you know, that didn't count.
It just never occurred to me that that counted for drinking in the morning or on a trip, you know? I mean, how could that Well, um, this is the only disease that I'm aware of that tells us that we don't have it. You know, uh, cancer doesn't tell you you don't have cancer.
Uh, but alcoholism tells you there's nothing wrong with you. You drink like all the rest of those guys. It was true.
I did. I drank like a lot of the rest of those guys. A lot of them are in the program today.
Uh, so I um I called a friend of mine um that he said that he wasn't drinking and two or three of the other guys said, you know, he's really not drinking. And I tried all the stuff the book talks about. You know, it talks about beer only, fly wine only, drinking only in the, you know, uh uh in the afternoon, drinking only at night, taking a trip, not taking a trip, all that stuff.
I tried all that stuff. But I was still getting up every morning and and saying, "I'm not going to drink today, and by 5:00, I'll be drinking." And so I go to see this guy and we have lunch. and and I say, "Uh, is it really true that you have out of drinking 6 months?" And he said, "Yeah, yeah." I said, "Did you get any help with that?" He said, "Yeah, I'm going to A.
You want to go to a meeting?" And I thought, "Well, my god, Aa. Jesus, I'm just like my mother. I'm a drunk just like my mother.
Got to go to ANA." Um, that was one of the darkest days of my life. Uh cuz I really didn't set out to have on my resume that I'd be an alcoholic. I really thought that it was a that it was a moral failing.
And I I don't know where I got that idea. Um but uh but I thought, "Oh I've got it." And I had tried so hard and uh not to have it. and and uh but but for me it was like it was like making love to a gorilla, you know.
You just couldn't stop till the gorilla wanted to he had me, you know, and and it just thing I I couldn't turn it loose, you know. So I he told me that this buddy of his and mine too was also not drinking and that they were going to go to an ANA meeting that night. Why don't I go with them?
And I thought, I'm I'm really busy, but let me check my schedule. I'll get back to you. We're really we're we're incredible.
We're we're um we're drowning and somebody throws us a lifeline and it lands right beside us and we say, "Wait a minute. Let me give this some thought." You know, maybe I don't really need your lifeline. Maybe I can swim this 40 miles back to shore.
We're we're incredible. Um so anyhow, the upshot of it was I went to a meeting with these guys. went to an 8:00 meeting at the Little Side Group down here and and um it was a Tuesday night and um and all I remember about that meeting was that there were a bunch of cleareyed people there who were happy to see me and asked me to come back and treated me like I had the same kind of problem they did and all they wanted to do was share the solution.
ution that they had with me for fun and for free. I'd never been a place like that. And the laughter, the laughter was great.
It seemed like it was in the wrong places, but there was a lot of laughter. And that was good for me cuz there wasn't anything funny going on in my life at that point. Um, one of the guys brought me a big book and he took me home.
Now, I hadn't had a drink before they came by to pick me up at 7:30 for this 8:00 meeting. And uh and that was pretty late for me not to have a drink. And uh but I didn't want to do anything to screw up their program, whatever it was, you know.
Uh so I didn't have a drink and they got and they got me back to the house about 9:30 and they said, "Can we come in a minute and talk to you have a Coke and and talk to you about some stuff?" And I said, "Yeah, I guess so." Yeah, cuz I won't go have a drink in front of them, you know, and God knows what I might do to their program. And me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me I me mind m mind m mind m mind m mind m mind m mind m mind m mind m mind m mind m mind m mind m mind m mind m mind m mind m mind m mind m mind mine, you know I mean that's just um somebody said that the that that the alcoholics theme song ought to be uh I'm always on my mind, you know. Um, I heard one guy say, "I'm not much, but I'm almost all I ever think about." Um, so they came in and we talked for the longest hour I believe I've ever spent in my whole life.
And one of these guys bought me a big book and then they they left finally. And I just couldn't wait to get over and pour me a big stiff drink and take it down. And um and I sat down and drank a half a quart of whiskey and and read the first half of the big book.
I was really a smart dude. I had two college degrees and and I could read this stuff, boy. And and um I I was so smart, in fact, that if I'd have been that much smarter, I'd have died drunk.
Just that much smarter. Thank God. Um, the next morning I get up and uh I said, "I'm not going to drink today." And I go off to work and 5:00 I'm leaving a meeting where everything is falling apart.
And uh and nothing's going the way I want it to go. and and um and I get back to my office and and I and I pour a couple of stiff shooters and I go to a party and have a couple of drinks there and then and then go home cuz by this time if I go to a party I and have two or three drinks, I don't want to start slurring my words and look like my mother. So if I feel that coming on, I'm in the car and I'm going home.
So here's Mr. social drinker drinking a half a quart of whiskey every night by himself in his house. I don't know how that computes to you.
It it seemed to me to be social drinking. Um so I went home and and uh drank another half a quarter of whiskey and and read the rest of that big book. Got up the next morning and said, "I'm not going to drink today." uh five o'clock that day, I'm coming home from another meeting.
Uh and and it's just everything's going to hell in the hand basket and nobody's doing it the way I want them to. And I leave that meeting and and and I'm walking back to my office and at that point I hadn't said a prayer, I bet in 30 years, maybe 40. I had no relationship with God of any kind.
I'd given up on God. I had been through a number of Protestant religions. I'd studied some Easter eastern religions.
I had uh converted to Catholicism at one point when I was dating a Catholic girl who had what I wanted. And she really did. It was it was incredible.
You could watch her go down the aisle to the front of the church and take communion. And when she stood up and turned around, she was a different person. And I and that was very attractive to me.
Uh, and I tried that. I I tried as hard as I could to to find what she had in Catholicism and I couldn't find it. Um, so I gave up on a church and and I didn't have any any kind of relationship with God at all.
And I'm walking back to my office and and I just can't wait to have a drink and and uh a voice or a or a thought or something said to me, "Uh, I thought you weren't going to drink today." God, my heart started pounding and my palm started sweating and I looked up and in the most skeptical way, I said, "Well, I guess you're going to help me out of this." and walked back to my office and for the first time in my memory I was out of booze at my office. I didn't have any booze in my office and I had two emergency phone calls from clients that I had to return. Took about an hour to return these two calls and I didn't have to have a drink and I went back to a meeting that little Westside group Thursday night, December the 18th, 1986 and picked up a chip.
uh one of these guys and um and I've had to have a drink since then or any mindaltering drugs and um and it's been a it's been a really incredible ride. It's been an incredible ride. Um, thank God I didn't have to do anything to get the gifts of the program.
The first gift was uh that I could sit down and listen. Knew the answer to everything. But for the first time, I could sit down and I could listen to you guys tell me how it was with you and what you were doing to stay sober.
Um, you all taugh taught me I didn't ever have to have that loneliness or fear, that crippling loneliness and fear again. I could just come in here and be with you and I'd be part of you and you'd love me back to hell until I could start to love myself. And you did that for me.
Uh, I started going to meetings and and I and I just loved the meetings. I I loved the laughter and I loved everything about it. Uh I got a sponsor.
Um I got started in the steps. I remember I was 90 days sober and this woman I'd been with for two years um split here. I'd sobered up, cleaned up my act.
She that was all she wanted out of there. And and my sponsor said, "Hooray. This will give you some time to work on your program.
It's wonderful how they cuddle us, isn't it? Um, you all taught me to do five things every day. You said pick up, you said, get down on your knees and ask God to keep you sober in the morning for that day.
End the day on your knees thanking God for keeping you sober. um read something out of the big book and go to a meeting, pick up that 10,000lb telephone and call another alcoholic every day. I've been doing those five things every day for 14 years, and I had to have a drink.
Now, I don't know which one of those things is keeping me sober, but I'm afraid to give one of them up in case that's the one. >> So, I'm in the habit of doing those things. Uh they said, "And then your only job is don't pick up the first drink because it's the first drink that gets you." Um I didn't have any problem with accepting that I was powerless over alcohol.
What I had problem with was that my life was unmanageable. And I said, "Look, I'm a I'm a uh a partner in an international law firm. Uh that's a big deal.
And I got cars and houses and and and my kids are, you know, one of the guys who was in the meeting uh when I said that knew me a little bit and knew me before I got to you guys and and he came up to me after the meeting. He said, "Listen, your kids really are just before not speaking to you. Isn't that right?" I said, "Well, yeah, I just found that out." And uh he said, "You've had two failed marriages and you've had um at least four failed law partnerships and God knows how many failed business ventures." He said, "What would you pay some son of a to manage your life the way you're running it?" I thought, "Well, I guess I'd fire him." He said, "Good answer.
Let's fire him." Um, so I had to I had to admit that my life was unmanageable by me. >> And then the hard part for me was was um coming to believe that there was a power greater than myself that could restore me to sanity. I knew I was kind of crazy, but I didn't think that there was a a higher power that could help me.
You know, I believed in a in a in a God that was in charge of the tides and the seasons maybe and the rain and but but not anybody that would have an interest in me. And um and so first thing they told me was uh you got to get down on your knees and and and pray to God. And and I said I just that's ridiculous.
I don't believe in God. and and Ron Evans uh Ronnie over at Legacy told me one of the smartest guys I know he's an eighth grade dropout under the bridge wino and he said uh that he had the same problem. He he told his first sponsor uh I don't believe in God.
You want me to get down on my knees and pray to this guy I don't believe in? That's ridiculous. And he said, his sponsor said to him, "What's one more ridiculous thing in your life?" He said it to me so I could understand it in a way I could hear it.
And so he told me, he said, "It doesn't matter what you feel. It doesn't matter what you believe. It doesn't matter um uh uh what you think.
All it matters is what you do. Get down on your knees and pray to God. Ask him to keep you sober." So I started doing that and I didn't know who I was praying to.
And I and honestly it was like writing a a a note and and tying it on a rock and throwing it over the over the the wall. I didn't know there was anybody over there reading it or not, you know. And uh finally one day I'm on my knees and I'm 90 days sober, 120 days sober and and uh and I realize that I'm sober.
Uh and it wasn't me. Had to be somebody else. Um, they told me that this is God's conj job, I think, aa for alcoholics like us who just he couldn't get to any other way.
Um, they said, "Okay, you don't believe in God. Can you write down the qualities that a God would have that you could believe in if you were going to believe in God?" Now, not that we're going to make you believe in him. You don't have to believe in him.
if you were going to, are there some characteristics that such a God might have that you could write down? And I said, "Yes." And so I started writing down, he's all powerful and all knowing and all loving and all forgiving and um and he's a little overweight and he's trying to quit smoking and he's got a pretty good sense of humor, right? I thought I could I could work with a guy like that maybe.
and and uh and sure enough, I'm 120 days sober and and I'm praying to this God that I that you guys taught me how to design. And u and just that little bit of willingness to do what you guys suggested that I do, little chicken things that I knew couldn't possibly work. And I do them and they work.
It happens over and over and over and has for me for 14 years um so uh I came to believe but but trusting in this God was a hard thing until one day somebody said to me uh Penn I saw you just walk across the street in front of a bus that wasn't stopped yet and you relied on that bus driver whom you've never met and didn't know what the hell he might be smoking to stop that bus at the light So he wouldn't run over you and yet you won't trust God who loves you more than anything in the world. And it finally clicked for me. Maybe I can trust God.
Maybe I can trust God. He said, "You trust the guy next to you in at 70 mph not to move over into your lane. Why can't you trust this guy that that loves you more than anything you can possibly imagine?
He asked me, he said, "Penner," he said, "you're you got two boys. You really love those boys, don't you?" I said, "Yeah, I really do." He said, "How much do you love him?" I said, "Uh, I I can't describe to you how much I love those boys." He said, "Uh, if your God is all powerful and all knowing and all loving and all forgiving, then he must love you even more than you love those boys. And I thought, Jesus, maybe that's right.
Maybe that's right. And I began to trust. I began to trust that God has for me in store better stuff than I could ever imagine for myself if I just get out of the way.
If I just be gentle with myself and get out of his way and let his will work in my life. Um they they told me I had to take the third step. And again, Ron Ron E told me that that uh uh when I asked him did I did he think that I really ought to take the third step.
He said the worst thing can happen is it'll get it out of the hands of an idiot. What that does, the third step sets me free. Um, all all my job is is to just do the next right thing and I'm not responsible for the results.
That's somebody else's business. All I can do is do the next right thing and let the results take care of themselves. Um, you taught me the process.
The process is is to pray about it, use the brain that God gave me to think about it and then decide what uh is the next right thing to do. And then before doing it, check it out with somebody else. An alcoholic snob.
That's the process that these steps teach us how to do. And I do that today. When I don't do it, I'm usually in trouble.
Um, one guy told me that the third step was simply the decision. Do I like it better in here with you guys or or or do I want to go back out there where I came from? Just that simple.
Do I like it better in here with you guys or do I want to go back out there where I came from? If I like it better in here with you guys, then all I got to do is do the rest of the steps to the best of my ability. Pick up a pencil and start writing the fourth step.
I did that the first time I'd taken a hard look at me in my life. And thank God I did that cuz what I found was it's me. It's not them.
I thought it was those ungrateful kids, those yo-yo wives, those clients that wouldn't do what I wanted them to do. Wasn't them. It was me.
It was always me. It was always me. And thank God to know that cuz if I know that it's me, I'm not the victim anymore.
If it's you, if it's your action that causes me pain and suffering and and and ill will, disharmony. If it's your action that does that to me, then I'm screwed. Nothing I can do cuz I can't change you.
But if what happens is me, I can change me. I can change my perception of what's going on out there. And I'm not a victim anymore.
So I went through four and five and it and and it was a wonderful thing. Uh I went through uh six and seven. Uh four and five helped me get okay with me.
Uh six and seven helped me get okay with God and eight and nine help me get okay with my fellows. Um the getting okay with God is really an interesting thing. The I think the most powerful spiritual meeting I've ever been to.
I my brother happened to be halfway around the world. I went around to see him in Sri Lanka, a little island off the coast of India and I went to a meeting there and and u and there were a couple of Jews and there were some uh Muslims and there were some uh Buddhists and some cowists. Um there were some Hindu, there were some Tamils, um there were singalles, uh there were Sikhs, there were a couple of Christians and there was me and we were all talking about the same God.
All of us from the incredibly diverse backgrounds, we were all talking about the same God who keeps us sober. What a wonderful experience this this Alcoholics Anonymous is. Um I I recommend to you hurry through the steps.
Uh the steps are where the payoff is. Um the the promises that follow the ninth step have come true in my life. Uh I' I've made those amends most days today.
most most times most days I don't have any resentments against anybody. What a freedom. What a freedom.
Um most days today, most times most days I'm really delighted to be Dan Penner alcoholic right here with you guys or wherever I am with whoever I am doing whatever I'm doing. you guys gave me that. I didn't know how to do that when I got here.
Um, I went busted after I was two years sober and I don't recommend that to anybody. I had to file personal bankruptcy and and it and it was a terrible thing. But I learned a couple of things.
One thing I learned was that uh God's the source. I'm not the source. God's the source.
She's not the source. God's the source of everything good in my life. And because I had picked up that telephone and called another alcoholic every day, I had developed a group of five or six guys that I shared with on a regular basis.
And I would call them and I'd say, "Guys, uh, next week they're going to shut me down. You know, it's just going to be terrible. They're going to take everything I own." And they said, "Penner, what do you need today that you don't have?" And I said, "But you don't understand.
next week it's just going to be terrible. Well, but what about today? What do you need today that you don't have?
And the answer was always the same. Always the same. They said it to me so so often that I know it at a at a deep level today that I got everything I need for today.
I don't have everything I I want for today. I don't have everything I need for tomorrow, but I got everything I need today for today. And and it's been that way for a long long time.
And there's not any evidence that that's going to change. Um, there have been so many good things that have happened to me in this program. Um, I want to tell you what my metaphor for living is uh today.
Uh, I learned well I didn't learn it either. I I heard it for the first time when I was about four in in nursery school and maybe you all did too. Uh, row row row your boat gently down the stream.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream. My job is to row my boat. I got to do a little action.
And I got to do my boat. Not your boat. Not her boat.
My boat. Gently downstream. Not up the stream or across the current, but downstream.
Gently downstream. Going with the flow. Easy does it.
um merrily cuz my book says that God's will for me is to be happy, joy, and free. And the only person I know today standing between me and being happy, joy, and free is me. What a concept.
Um so I'm supposed to be happy, joy, and free merrily because life is but a dream. See, it's my perception of what's going on out there that's my life. Same old stuff keeps happening out there.
People come and go in our lives. We have financial ups and downs. We've got we've got emotional ups and downs.
We have physical ups and downs. The only difference between my very best day and my very worst day is my perception of what's going on out there. Cuz it's the same old stuff.
And if it's my perception of it, hooray. I can change my perception. You guys have have shown me how to change my perception.
One of the quickest ways I can change my perception is to write out a gratitude list. I didn't know how to do that. I had two college degrees when I got to you guys and I didn't know how to make a gratitude list.
I didn't have the foggiest notion what you were talking about. But I make a gratitude list and I get into an attitude of gratitude and boom, my state has changed. It's changed.
You guys taught me that. Uh, I'm really grateful for that. Uh, let me just tell you one story in closing that that epitomizes Alcoholics Anonymous.
For me, it's a story about a guy who dies and he goes to heaven. And St. Peter's at the gate and and St.
Peter says to the guy, "Before you come in, I I want to I want to give you a little test." And he says, "Fine." And he goes, he takes him into a room about four times the size of this room in a big banquet tables just laden with food. Beautifully served, beautifully prepared, wonderful drink of all kinds. Uh, perfect crystal uh, silver china.
It's just so beautifully done. And that people in the room are just like you and me, except that their arms are longer than ours and they don't bend at the elbow and so they can't feed themselves and they're starving. And St.
Peter asked the guy said, "What is this?" He said, "Well, it's obviously hell." And St. Peter said, "That's a great answer. Let's go in this next room.
It's a room just exactly like the one that he was just in with all this beautifully done food and drink." And the people in that room are just like us, except their arms are longer than ours and they don't bend at the elbow. But these people are happy and and wellfed and slick and glistening and they're just having the best time. And and St.
Peter says, "What's this?" He says, "It's a" He said, "How can you tell?" He said, "Well, they're feeding each other." And that's what you all have done for me. Thanks for so much for having me. I appreciate it.
>> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.