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We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. I'm I'm David Thatch and I'm an alcoholic and I've been sober since March 9th, 1992. And I'm a member of the primary purpose group up in Spartanberg.

One of the greatest group of alcoholics I've ever spent time with, NA. And I hope, you know, at the end of this I get to tell you a little bit about them. I try to do that anytime I can.

Before I get started, I want to tell you one thing. Dang, this is scary. You know, I I forgot my whole story sitting over there while they were reading.

Um, yeah, I'm told I'm supposed to tell you in a general way what I was like, what happened, and what I'm like now. So, that means I'm not going to do a fifth step. That means I'm going to try to, you know, keep it general and uh try to get to what it's like now because that's important.

I'm told I'm supposed to do that in order to tell you how I came to find a relationship with a higher power that allows me to stay sober today. And I'm going to do my best. I'm getting better at that.

In the beginning, it was difficult. You know, I came to this thing as an atheist and did not want to find a higher power and was finally left with no choice but find a higher power. So, you know, it's kind of hard for me to tell you how that happened sometime.

So, I'll get on with my story and see if we can figure that out. Uh, I was born in Pasigoula, Mississippi. And uh shortly thereafter, my family moved to South Carolina by the time I was about three.

So I've been in South Carolina basically my whole life except in and out with school and Spartanberg most of that time. Uh growing up around my house, you know, about five maybe 10 years ago, I'd have told you I was brought up in this abusive home and all these awful things that happen. But uh I've listened to a lot of fist stuff since I've been in this program and I've learned that a lot of people had it really bad and I was very fortunate.

You know, I was very fortunate to grow up as I did. Uh but there was a lot of yelling and screaming and, you know, being told I was lazy or I was stupid or things like that. You know, things that left me basically feeling like I was lazy and stupid and didn't really measure up anywhere I was.

And uh that's the thing I remember most about childhood was uh being uncomfortable wherever I was. you know, feeling like I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, being embarrassed, basically walking into a room feeling like I had a booger on my nose and my fly down, you know, I feel like that right now, you know, but you know, that's how it was for me. So, you know, by the time I found alcohol, I was ready for a solution.

Uh, prior to finding alcohol though, I'd found a solution. And you know what I had done was uh something I found to be the solution today is uh I'd gotten real involved with my church, you know, real involved with God and real involved with Boy Scouts. And what it was was about about that that was so helpful to me was the service projects that we did for underprivileged kids and uh things like that, you know.

And what I found that when I when I help you, it makes me feel better about me, me feel closer to God and closer to you. And I found that to be my solution today, too. But uh what happened with all that is uh I was a shy little embarrassed kid, you know, and at some point some little project I did for the children's or children's unit hospital downtown got attention and it was announced in my school and it wasn't cool.

I you know I was really embarrassed and I just dropped all that you know I I dropped the service things, I dropped God, I dropped the whole thing and shortly after that found alcohol. Uh to be honest with you, you know, I got to tell you my story as it is. First thing I found was marijuana.

First thing I got into was drugs. You know, they were illegal, so they were a lot easier for a little kid to get than alcohol. And u so that's what I got into first.

And uh all throughout my story, drugs are there. I'm not going to talk to y'all about it for a couple of reasons. One, this is alcoholic synonymous.

And I understand and respect our single purpose. And number two, I'm not an addict. You know, I walked in and had a lot of people try to convince me otherwise.

But what I found in looking back at my story that I quit all that by a simple decision to stop doing it and not hang around with the same people. I didn't ever work with alcohol. You know, a simple decision to quit was not enough or I wouldn't be here.

You know, I wouldn't be here tonight. So, that's about enough of that. Uh, shortly after that, though, I found alcohol.

We uh we got to pursuing alcohol. It wasn't something I found by accident. We uh we heard it worked, you know, and uh we sought out somebody to get something for us and it was a friend's sister and we were going to a little middle school dance and we were little kids, 12, 13 and uh she bought what she thought little kids could drink.

So I had my first drunk on malt duck. Um awful stuff, you know. It was awful stuff.

I y'all laugh so you must know what it is. I don't have to explain that. There's some places, you know, they just look and so I have to explain what it is.

But uh you know and what happened that night is uh what I read later in the doctor's opinion that is first part of what makes me an alcoholic is when I drank enough to feel it. I got a craving for more of the same. You know that happened from day one with me.

I didn't drink my way into alcoholism. From the first drink I got a craving for more. And I drank all I had.

Uh the kids with me drank what they could. you know, they uh also aren't in an alcoholics anonymous meeting tonight, but uh they drank what they could. I drank all I had.

They got drunk and got in a lot of trouble. What happened with me when I got drunk was I got comfortable, you know, and it was about the first time in my life where I felt okay. And we were at a little dance and I'm a shy kid, scared of girls, scared of everything.

And I was immediately comfortable and okay. And uh I pursued that with a vengeance after that. You know, I'd have been foolish not to anything that worked that quick, you know.

And uh so I pursued alcohol from then on. You know, early on I wasn't drinking every day or anything like that. I'm still a small kid and it's hard to get.

But uh by the time I got to high school, I was a pretty regular drunk. You know, not every day, not all day, but at least four times a week. And what I did was set things up to where, you know, I had a job with alcoholics.

We could drink. And I had ways of getting out of the house. I I was an artist learning to paint, working with an artist who was an alcoholic.

We could drink there. You know, I set things up a lot around drinking. And uh also I got away with it pretty easily because I was an honor student.

You know, I was a one of the kids that they expected to succeed and whenever anything in my behavior was questionable, you know, they kind of excused it for me because uh I was one of the kids they thought I'd do well. So I didn't get in a lot of trouble through high school. I mean, I was one of the first people kicked out of the South Carolina Governor School for the Arts, you know, based on alcoholism.

But then what happened? because I was one of those good kids, they also came back and reinstated me, you know, as I always kind of got away with things early on, not for real long, but at that time, I think where my drinking changed for me is when I went to college, you know, I got down there and I didn't have anybody to answer to. Uh, got away from the family, you know, that kind of thing.

Things, you know, things were bad at home, so that was good to get away from that. And I didn't have anybody to answer to, and I could drink when I wanted to. And so, I got to doing the daily drinking.

Um, same thing happened down there was I got a lot of excuses for my drinking. I was a scholarship student. I was one of those they expect to do well.

I was an art student at the University of Georgia and uh art students were supposed to be kind of goofy, you know, and uh I was really goofy, you know, and but you know, I could get away with drinking. That was all part of the thing. I could drink in class.

I could, you know, whatever, you know, I could get away with it. And really didn't have a lot of, you know, a lot of people question that for a while. uh went on like that for a little while.

I think my drinking probably changed by the time I was about 19. What uh what happened when I was 19 is I started getting what we get, you know, uh waking up in the morning with the shakes, sweating, you know, vibrating. And I found that if I took a drink in the morning, then things would be okay.

That settle down and uh what happens when I take a drink in the mornings? I get a craving for more of the same. And I found myself drinking most a day.

And uh it went started like that, you know, and I was a daily drunk and I wasn't drinking 24 hours out of the day, but I'd get up in the morning, you know, take enough get enough in me to be okay, get on to class at lunch, go drink enough to be okay, and then in the evening, drink till I fell asleep and just did like that daily. And uh you know, my drinking career is not that long or it's not that long before I got to needing to quit. And uh by the time I was 20 years old, that was taking its toll.

and this this kid they expected to succeed couldn't show up to class, you know, and uh and I was having a lot of trouble. And I had my first contact with Alcoholics Anonymous by the time I was about 20 years old. Um I hadn't been, you know, getting to class.

I'd been having a lot of trouble staying sick. And uh one of the best friends I had in the world, she came to me and said, "David, you know, I don't know what to do and I don't know how to help and maybe these people can." And then she gave me a little card where she had written Alcoholics Anonymous and put the phone number of their answering service down on it. And um I looked at that and I drank on that a little while and uh contemplated that, you know, and I don't know how long it was.

It may have been a day. It may have been 2, three. And uh and I called and uh God bless this guy that answered the phone.

He uh I know he was doing everything he knew how to do to the best of his ability. But we got talking and I said, 'What do they do at those meetings? You know, and he said, 'Well, we drink coffee and talk.

I said, 'Well, okay, you know, that's all right. And we talked a little more and he said, 'You know, we really don't have anyone as young as you in our group. And I thought about that and I said, well, you know, that's right.

you know, alcoholics are usually pretty old, you know, like at least 30, you know, and u and I thanked him and I hung up the phone and that was my last contact with Alcoholics Anonymous for a little while, you know. I managed to get through school, you know, doing doing okay. Grades were good and all that.

Behavior was awful, but uh and went on to graduate school and the game changed up there for me, you know, uh down in Athens, Georgia, it was all right to be a goofy art student. you know, to be drunk, to, you know, I could get away with a lot down there. I got up to Eastern North Carolina and that was a conservative bunch of folks and, you know, I'm a graduate assistant and I'm moving a refrigerator to keep my beer in into the studio and they look too kindly on that.

You know, they started questioning what they had there and uh and what happened up there in eastern North Carolina for me was, you know, the reason alcohol became so important before then was it allowed me to do things I couldn't do. You know, it allowed me to talk in front of other people. I mean, stuff like this scared me to death.

Always been scared of talking in front of people. It uh you know, it let me just do the things I need to do. Well, I got up to East Carolina up there and uh the thing that had always been my solution became the problem and kept me from being able to do what I needed to do and kept me from fulfilling obligations and they were paying me to be there and I couldn't do it.

and and I did the best I knew how for a while and then I had to start looking for a solution and uh I found a solution as I decided I'd quit school with good grades and come back to Spartanberg and marry this girl I'd been dating that that would solve it you know I got married everything be all right everything wasn't all right um not at all because you know I brought that drinking and behavior back and um and I wasn't you know I barely working I selling smart work and doing that kind of thing. And she was working all the time to help support this cause. And uh what happened within, you know, 3 4 months of that is uh alcohol turned on me in a way that I didn't expect was I became everything I ever hated.

You know, I became a violent, angry drunk just about every time I drank. Not every time, but nearly. violent, angry, verbally abusive to this girl and uh who all she wanted to do was love me and marry me, you know, and uh what happened, you know, what happened to begin to change things for me was during this time.

And I it sometime, you know, we do a lot of arguing. I do a lot of hollering and screaming, but at some point during this thing, I hit her, you know, and uh it might be a lot of people sitting around here, that's not the worst thing they could think of doing, but for me, that was the worst thing I could think of doing was uh hitting this little 95 lb 5' tall girl who I said I loved. and uh you know I woke up the next morning and what it was was in the past you know I'd do a lot of stuff while drinking and um excuse it away by saying well I was drunk you know it won't happen again or make something up you know there wasn't any excuse for this you know I couldn't say well I was drinking you know it'll be all right it wasn't all right you know and there wasn't really any way for me to look in the mirror without wanting to vomit and uh so I had to do something about my drinking you know and I was making some promises do some things.

So, I went and sat outside an AA meeting and watched y'all come in go and couldn't go in, you know, but uh but I did start a a career of trying to not drink, you know. Uh I didn't find AA real easy, you know. I didn't say, "Well, I need to stop drinking.

Let's go to Alcoholics Anonymous." I I began first, you know, I went to my doctor and uh I talked to him about what had been going on. And I think I was a little bit honest with him and, you know, told him what my drinking was like and told him I needed to quit and he agreed. You know, he heard that said, "Well, yeah, I think you do." And let me write you a prescription to help you not drink.

And he wrote me a prescription for Xanax. Keep me calm while I'm not drinking. That's right.

You know, and I and I wasn't honest enough to tell him I've been taking that anyway. And uh and so I take that home and I'm trying to not drink taking my Xanax and it did what it always did was created a craving for drink just like drinking did with me. And uh so it wasn't long till I was drinking again.

And I got just as violent and angry and nasty again and had to stop. And I went back to this doctor and said, you know, don't you have something that would make me sick if I drink? You know, I I really need to stop drinking.

He agreed I need to stop drinking. He said, yeah, we do have something. It's called an abuse.

and I want you to read this. And he threw some stuff at me that bottom line when you read it says, you know, if you take a drink on this, it's going to make you really sick and you might die. And I read that and I was like, well, I don't want to drink and dying might be good.

So, you know, yeah, give me that. And uh so I started taking my ant abuse and uh drinking coffee and trying to do what I know y'all supposed to do when you're not drinking. And uh what happened I don't know how long it was into that you know 2 weeks a month something like that what happened to me is what the book tells me my real problem is you know book tells me about squiggly writing in chapter 3 you know where I start thinking and u what happened was you I'm taking my abuse cuz I don't want to drink and it might you know and I really believe it might kill me if I drink on it and I start thinking well now I wonder how much you'd have to drink on that before it killed you and And so I so I proceed like a period of really social drinking.

Uh my only period of social drinking, you know, of sipping on a beer until I turn beat red and start sweating and feel like somebody stabbed me in the head and start breathing real heavy and and ease back off a little bit. And when that get when that get a little better, sip on that beer again until felt like somebody stabbed me here. And and I don't mean guzzling beer.

I mean sipping at it until you feel it. you know, and uh I ain't social drinking, you know, and uh I'm hanging around with friends, you know, my friends weren't alcoholic, you know, my friends were regular folks that, you know, they may overdrink a time or two or go out and plan to over drink, but they planned it, you know, and they could go home when they wanted to. And I'm sitting around doing my interviews drinking with these guys, you know, and I'm they're drinking what they want and I'm beat red over on the end of the table corner.

After a while, that got embarrassing, you know, and uh and got real damn uncomfortable. And so, you know, I start thinking again and uh and I started thinking, well, this ant abuse is going to kill me if I continue to drink on it. So, I quit taking antibuse.

And and that's what my problem is. That's my real problem is uh that really not wanting to drink, starting out in the morning, don't want to take a drink. I'm taking something hopefully make me sick if I take a drink.

And by the end of the day, I'm trying to figure out how I can drink on it. And that seems okay. You know, it says alcohol to the alcoholic, you know, his life's the only normal one.

That was it. Seemed normal to me. Well, you know, I mean, what happened when I quit taking an abuse and just continued on drinking was that wife got bright and she quit taking any of that, you know, and she left.

And so I realized, you know, she was a problem anyway is most of the trouble I've had around drinking involve her. And uh so I can probably drink. And uh wasn't real long after that the law picked me up again and they said no you can't drink you know or at least son you're not driving on the streets when you do.

And uh so I you know needed a solution again. It was time stop drinking you know I'm in trouble again. And I'm back living with mom and dad you know trying to drink in the basement and all that.

Living down there like a troll. And uh and so I'm trying not to drink. And uh so I get the idea I'm going to go to a counselor.

you know, uh, that's going to help me. And so what I do is I'm real nervous talking to folks, especially if they want to talk about me, you know, or they, you know, I'm not comfortable. So I drink about a six-pack and I'd go talk to the counselor about not drinking.

And I did this twice a week, week after week, for I don't know how long. You know, drink a six-pack and go talk to this guy about not drinking cuz I don't want to drink. and I'm paying him to help me not drink and drinking on the way to go talk to him about not drinking.

And that made sense. It it made sense to me. Maybe not him, but um but it made sense.

And I think, you know, I think what was going on during that time was that what happened with me later in Alcoholics Anonymous was I thought he was going to say something magic. you know, he was going to give me some answer that all of a sudden I'm not going to want to drink again, you know, and I'm gonna drink my way on till, you know, he gives me that thing. But I was thinking, what a little self-nowledge might fix it.

If I knew enough about me or this thing or something, I wouldn't drink anymore. Well, what happened, I guess, you know, was my six turned into some more and I forgot to go and so I left that off. And uh I don't know, I was willing to go to any lengths, though.

So, I looked up a minister and that didn't work any better going drinking, talking to him. You know, it I didn't stop drinking. And uh I don't know, you know, it just uh it got strange and things were getting really bad at home.

You know, I told you I was living in the basement like a troll and with my family and you know, things got worse around my house than I ever thought they could. you know, uh, when I started drinking, you know, it was bad growing up, but when I started drinking, I started reacting and shooting my mouth off and that made it worse. And what happened down there was, you know, on my 25th birthday, we c celebrated by me and my dad beating each other up in the driveway.

You know, as as that's how it was. And, you know, that was another one of those things I just couldn't believe, you know, had happened that it was like that. And uh I wanted another solution and I thought I found one as I need another woman.

And this one was a bartender. I figured well, you know, she'd understand, you know, she's been serving me all this stuff. She's not going to suddenly tell me, you know, you drink too much.

You know, she'd been giving me this stuff. She didn't understand. You know, uh what happened was, you know, she was she was just as angry and just as violent as I was without drinking.

And uh that didn't make for a good combination at all. And what would happen though was in then, you know, was while we were out there screaming and yelling, knocking each other down, cussing, throwing things, her little 12-year-old girl was laying back in the back listening to all that. And uh just like back when I hit that wife, I couldn't get up the next morning and feel like that was all right.

That little girl had to lay there and worry and listen and and hear that kind of thing night after night. And uh I really needed to quit drinking. You know, I've been fighting with my dad.

I've been fighting with the girl. I've, you know, nothing's okay in my life. You know, nothing's all right.

And I needed a solution. And, uh, I've used up the doctors and the counselors and the minister and what I knew, reading books about not drinking and any kind of thing I could think of. I tried the exercise program.

That's going to, you know, I tried everything. And I was out of solutions. And, uh, you know, I told you I was going to try and tell you how I came to a belief in God in this thing.

And, uh, and it wasn't real easy. And I think I've come to a belief in a higher power by looking back, you know, looking back at my life and seeing that he was there when I wasn't paying any attention. And mostly that the people I needed were at the place I needed when I was ready each time.

each time. And uh what happened was I was getting ready and uh back when I was doing this Anabuse drink and I'd met a guy I was working with and he uh you know he introduced himself to me, let me know he was a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous and I was working with this guy. He never told me I needed to go.

He knew I was doing the abuse thing and he was just laughing. He loved that. But I guess I would now but you know it seemed you know he just loved that.

But he never, you know, he said, "I just I find this works for me." And, uh, you know, he never told me I had to go. But, uh, what happened was, you know, leaving that job and some of this stuff I was talking about going on, I lost track of him. I didn't know where he was.

I think he had moved and I'd moved and we wouldn't known how to find each other if we had to. And I was going one morning down to get the paper and he just happened to drive by and he stopped. And I could have missed this guy by 10 seconds, you know, either way.

And he was just right there. And I didn't walk up to him and say, "I'm ready to quit drinking." You know, wasn't like that. It just put him where he needed to be.

You know, I got him a job where I worked and uh just put him where he needed to be. And then, you know, a lot of this stuff happened. And uh I got ready and I just said, you know, "Hey, what do y'all do at those meetings?" asked my question when I'm going to go to AA.

What do y'all do at those meetings? And uh and he gave me an answer that wasn't profound. It wasn't your big book.

It wasn't big 12step work. Well, it was for me, but uh wasn't anything special. He just said, "David, what why do you go to bars?" And I said, "Well, to be around people I have something in common with, you know, just so I don't have to be by myself and people to talk to." And he said, "David, that's all we do in AA.

We just don't drink while we're doing it. Nothing profound, you know." And I agreed to go and he came down the next day and picked me up and took me to one of those meetings, my first AA meeting. And I couldn't tell you, you know, I'd like to tell you, I walked into that thing and oh, I heard the message and got struck sober and all that.

And I don't remember what went on. I I know my head hurt. I was sweating and I stunk and I was shaking.

And uh it was bright, you know, and I think the building was yellow at that time. Made it even worse, you know. It was yelling bright.

And uh and I picked up one of those chips when they offered them at the end. And I think it was only because Ron leaned over and went, you know, and uh but what happened was, you know, the next day I wanted to go again. Um I guess I'd sense there was some sort of answer there.

I didn't know what was going on there, but I I think I sense that was my only choice, you know, and I wanted to go again. Like to tell you, you know, that was it. And I got sober.

It wasn't like that for me, you know, another number of years before I got sober. Truth was, I walked into a group full of crazy people, you know. I I walked into a group run by crazy people and newcomers.

And all the crazy people came up and offered me help, you know. And I I met pathological liars that would come up and offer me a job when I needed work when they weren't working themselves, couldn't find one if they needed it, you know. Uh another one that moved himself into my house and ate everything I had in the fridge, brought his dog with him to sleep on me.

Um, and another guy who, you know, I was in I was trying to stay sober. I couldn't make it more than a day or two, but uh, you know, I called him. He said, "Well, I'm down at this address.

Come meet me." And I go down there. It's a little bar. And, and I go in there to see him.

I don't know. I guess, you know, all right. Some of y'all must hang out there.

I don't know. And I went in and he's drinking and telling me he's picking up a 90-day chip tomorrow. I know that's not right.

You know, I know they mean in a row, you know, 90 days in a row and and I don't want to drink. You know, I'm not drinking cuz I want to drink. I don't want to drink.

And I know that's not right, you know. And and what happened during this summer of Alcoholics Anonymous was uh that girl that I'd been fighting with who really wanted me to go to AA decided she didn't want me to go to AA anymore. She'd been meeting some of them and she didn't want me to have what they had cuz they kept threatening to give me what they got.

And uh so she gave me permission to stop going to AA and I stopped. And uh and I went on drinking for about another 6 maybe 9 months. Drinking was different this time.

It wasn't the kind of drinking you do cuz you want to drink, you know? It's the kind of drinking you do when you got to drink. You can't stop.

And it just grew worse and worse faster and faster than I thought it could. And uh what happened. Uh, at some point I experienced something I'd never experienced before in alcoholism.

I'd been through morning jitters and shakes and vomiting and arrests and violence and all that, but I experienced something I had experienced, which was DTS. As I found out if I quit drinking too quickly, stuff happened, you know, stuff happened. And uh, I spent a night of just shaking and jerking and crawling around on the floor hearing sirens and ambulances trying to get to a phone.

And if I could have dialed, I'd have done it, you know, and got somebody over there to pick me up and take me somewhere. And uh got up I don't I don't know how long that went on, you know. I have no idea.

And uh but got up sometime the next day or so and realized, you know, I need to call AA again. And uh part of having the right people where I need them at the right time, you know, was this thing too was I called a man there. My first meeting I went to, the guy introduced me to another man in the program and this guy gave me a business card, you know, and I put it in my wallet and I kept it that whole time.

I knew where it was and I called the number on that card and and Joe was there and Joe was still sober in Alcoholics Anonymous and I didn't realize at that time what a miracle that was for me because uh I didn't realize the turnover rate we got in Alcoholics Anonymous. See, Joe wasn't sober but 90 days when he gave me that business card. And so when I call him up, he's just shy of a year.

But you know, I didn't realize how few people sitting in these meetings all across the country tonight aren't going to be here next year when we are, you know, and uh so it was an absolute miracle he was there. And I asked him, "Can I come back?" You know, I didn't know if y'all let people come back when they quit, you know, and and he said, "Yeah, yeah." You know, and I'll meet you there. And he became my first sponsor.

And uh I'd like to say that came into AA and I got sober and here we are tonight. It wasn't like that for me. Um, it was at least a year and a half before I stopped drinking, you know, but and I'd try, you know, I'd made some efforts at some steps, you know, I'd try and do the steps.

I'd try and do things they told me. And I'd make it like 3 days and I'd drink. And then I'd make it a week and then I'd drink.

And I'd make it another two days and I'd drink. I keep picking up those white chips, you know, and and then I make it 30 days and all a sudden get smart and know how to stay sober and just start sharing and get struck drunk on the way home, you know, and you know, it's just like that for me, you know. I picked up white chips till they stop clapping.

and they just go and and then you know and then I realize well this is a day at a time thing and I don't need to be picking up those chips cuz they're obviously the problem thinking about that chip you know and take drunk again you know it's just didn't it just happened like that for me you know I I just take drunk that was what it was like for me and I think what the problem was is I didn't know what the problem honest. You know, the meetings I was sitting in, they were telling me, "Che choose not to drink today." And I didn't realize I couldn't. You know, they were telling me, "Make a decision not to drink today." And I didn't realize that didn't matter.

Didn't have anything to do with whether or not I drank that afternoon. You know, um I was hearing, you know, remember your last drunk. And I didn't know what the book tells me is there's time place where that ain't going to happen.

You know that that's a good tool when it works. But if I rely on it for sobriety, I'm going to find myself struck drunk again because a time and place is going to come where I'm going to forget how bad it was. I'm going to forget about hitting that wife.

I'm going to forget about fighting in front of that little girl. I'm going to forget all that and take a drink again. You know, I was here and play the tape all the way through.

When I'm ready to drink, there's no tape in the machine. You know, it just very often I find myself drunk without even planning to take a drink an hour before that. I didn't realize that no willpower-based solution was going to be a solution for me, you know.

I didn't know it was going to happen. So, I just kept picking up those chips, you know, and uh I'd even one grandstand move, you know, got an AA girlfriend. She was staying sober, you know, and maybe that'd work.

She was staying sober. I wouldn't, you know, uh tried everything I knew. Tried talking and tried not talking and tried just went on with it.

And what happened, I went through this for about a year and a half. You know, occasionally I'd get to 90 days a couple times and be so smart they'd let me chair a meeting and take drunk on the way home again. And and what happened was at some point I just got miserable.

You know, as I'd made at this point made some really good friends in Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, some people that cared about me and I cared about them. They were staying sober and I wasn't. I'd cut out to drinking buddies, you know.

I mean, all I had was me and y'all and y'all were doing okay and I wouldn't. And that's a lonely place to be. You know, it's a really lonely place to be.

And uh so somewhere around March 9th of '92, you know, I supposed to chair a speaker meeting, chairing the Friday night speaker meeting at my home group. And I showed up drunk and cheered the meeting, you know, they they let me chair it, you know, and uh well, you know, my girlfriend had enough of me. And my friends, you know, they were giving up, you know, they just they didn't know what else to do.

And I go back home, you know, just miserable, sitting on the couch like I'm the only person in the world. And uh my mother's going to come into town that next day. And I want to stay sober just long enough so that she thinks I'm all right, you know.

I don't want her to know how it is with me. And all I need to do stay sober that day. And I was drunk by 10:00 that morning, you know.

And what happened was something in me broke. You know, something in me broke. It wasn't anything you guys could have given me.

Is that thing in me that thought I could avoid taking the next drink was gone. you know, and I knew I was going to die drunk. I was positive that there was nothing that could be done.

I was going to die drunk. And mom showed up and I just said, "I need some help. You know, I need some help." I'd been resisting going somewhere.

My sponsor had suggested a time or two it might be a good idea to take a little sobriety vacation. And I'd been resisting going anywhere cuz, you know, I had important things to tend to or work or something like that. Well, you know, at this point, nothing mattered.

And I called my sponsor Joe and got him over and he sat on the couch with me and I said, "Joe, I don't care if I lose my job and lose my house. And I don't care if I can't stick around and patch things up with Beth cuz I don't care. You know, if I could just not drink and I had do so living under a bridge, I'd be all right with me.

I just don't want to drink anymore." And he said, "David, I've been waiting a year and a half to hear this." And uh so my mom packed me up in the car and took me on off to Alabama. Like to tell you, I went to a treatment center. You know, I mean, if I'd have had my way, you know, I'd have been in a a nice treatment center where they fed you well and we talked about our issues and and I found somebody to blame for my drinking and, you know, we all happy.

But I found myself in a psych ward down in Alabama where people had problems far greater than mine. You know, God gave me what I needed, not what I wanted. And uh what happened was God put before me people I needed to meet once again.

And it was not longtime sober alcoholics 12sting me. It was uh people like, you know, I met a little girl with fetal alcohol syndrome, little girl named Natalie. And uh she was about 15, you know, looks like she was about seven.

And she was always going to live in places like that. And that was alcoholism. And that wasn't her fault, you know.

Um, I met another little girl really got next to me was uh she had just come out of a body cast being thrown down a flight of stairs by her alcoholic father and uh she looked a lot like that daughter of that girl I mentioned earlier and uh really got next to me and uh I met a couple other women abused by alcoholic husbands that end up there, you know, and uh I saw exactly what I needed to see. I saw a lot of people abused by other people's drinking, abused by people doing what I was doing when I drank and uh had no fault in it at all. And I paid attention, you know, it it it got to me.

I I began to understand a few things. And uh fortunately before I got out of there, I met another guy. They brought him in on a wheelchair and he got talking.

He had all kind of AA slogans, you know, sounded good in discussion meeting, I'm sure, but he was in there with me and uh I got talking to him and found out he'd been sober 25 years in Alcoholics Anonymous and uh you know had moved down that way decided he didn't like how they did it so he quit going and being older his wife passed on and he began drinking and you know they rolled him in a wheelchair he wasn't even walking he knew a lot of slogans but he wasn't walking and uh and I came to understand a few things about Alcoholics Anonymous then too. It wasn't what I know. it's going to be a lot about what I do and uh I'm going to have to do this for a right long time, you know, and uh and I brought that home with me and I came back just convinced I was going to die drunk.

I didn't leave that place thinking I was okay. I left it knowing I was coming back to Spartanberg to die drunk sometime and was just hoping, you know, I could hang in long enough where my folks wouldn't have to see it, you know. I just knew I wasn't going to stay sober, you know, but I hadn't had a drink since that time.

And I was wondering, you know, for a long time I wondered, you know, what was different this time? And uh well, first thing, you know, something in me broke. I know that.

But uh I don't know, you know, I I guess up until that point, I thought there was something I could do about my drinking. And now that I realized I couldn't, uh finding a higher power became very necessary. And uh what I did was while I was drinking, I had gotten to get I'd called people.

I got my sponsor, a guy named Stitch and a guy named Hilton. Especially Stitch and Hilton. Those two guys, they were militantly sober, you know.

They scared me to death. And I'd call them all day long up until they had to go to bed. And then I'd drink all night and then I'd start calling at 6:00 when they had to get up, you know, and did that over and again.

And you know, these guys, not once did they tell me, "Call me when you're sober." They talked to me and they knew I wasn't drinking cuz I wanted to be. They knew I was drinking cuz I had to and I couldn't quit. And I got with these guys when I got back.

In particular, Stitch hung around with him. What we did got over to his house and he pulled this thing out and strangely enough, you know, if you like read from the beginning and don't just like go back to how it works, you know, um you find out what you got and you find out there ain't nothing you can do about it. You know, you find out what being powerless over alcohol really means.

You know, I've lost the power of choice and drink. It ain't coming back. Um, and I'm going to have to find a higher power.

And uh, one thing he did for me too that was real important for me early on was he shared with me a set of these Joe and Charlie tapes. And these guys were telling me the same thing. And they were telling me in a way I could understand what the problem was, what the solution was, and what the practical program of action was to bring about that solution.

And I understood it. And that's just what I did. You know, I didn't believe in God.

I'd been, you know, having people tell me, "You got to have faith." Then I didn't have belief. Now what was I going to do? You know, and what I read in the book was all I needed was a simple willingness to believe in a power greater than myself to get started.

And that's what I did. I started without a belief in anything but a willingness to believe in everything. And uh and I got with a man and we did third step just like it said.

We got on our knees and uh I chose this guy not because I, you know, had any great idea about what God was, but I knew he had more faith than anybody in that room. And I heard him talk about it and I saw him live based on that. And I wanted what he had.

And I did that did third step with no real belief, just a willingness. And uh and I made a list of who I'd harmed, who I hated, my part in these things, my fears, all the whole thing we know about the inventory. And I shared this with another man to the best of my ability.

It wasn't perfect, but told him, you know, what I'd been doing my life. And uh I got real willing to change, you know. I didn't want to be that guy anymore.

I really didn't. Um I didn't want to hang on to any of it. Now, unfortunately, some hangs on today, you know, but I didn't want any of that.

And I asked this higher power I wasn't too sure about at this point to, you know, please help me not be like that anymore. And I made a point of trying to fix things where I could, you know, uh made a list of these people I'd harmed. I'd made that list back in four and uh and made an effort, a real effort to fix what I could and those things that I can't couldn't fix and I did some harms where you don't go around them again because being around them harms them.

I knew I would if I could, you know, some of the things I did, I guess to be specific, was I had to make amends to my family, you know, and with my mother, you know, she just wanted to know I was all right. All she wanted was to know on a regular basis that I was okay because the biggest thing I did to her was create fear on a daily basis that her her baby boy was going to die, you know. And what I've done about that is every Sunday night at 6:00, I call my mother without fail.

And if you know I'm going to be out of town, I let her know and I call as soon as I can. She knows I'm here tonight. you know, um I involve her a little bit in what I do in AA because that makes her comfortable and uh she's good with that.

My dad was tougher, you know, uh I did the basic amends, talked about what I'd done wrong and that kind of thing. And I left that not really feeling like that was sufficient. And so a little bit later, I think it was Father's Day rolled around.

What I did was write him a letter. And in the past, I'd always focused on everything my dad did wrong. And what I did this time was write him a letter about everything he did do right and how I was proud of him for coming off a farm in Mississippi and working to see that I had a life better than he had and that I had opportunities that he didn't have.

And I was proud of the man he was. And things began to change little at a time, not immediately. I quit telling him how great I'm doing and I just needed to show him that I was staying sober and uh you know proceeded on from there.

I I think one of the things early on in Friday that became real important for me was this idea of service. You know, you read about it in the book over and again. And what I noticed was the people I saw that were most comfortable and happy and alcoholics anonymous seem to be actively involved in giving back to the program.

And I wanted to do that. And you know what I had in the beginning wasn't a whole lot to give. But I was in a clubhouse sort of thing.

And what I could do was clean and uh mow the grass and and take care of things like that. And that's what I did on and on. I I asked him if I could paint the building and I'm an obsessive guy.

You know, I end up remodeling the whole place. You know, it was about a year's worth of work, but you know, I stayed sober that whole year. You know, and I was a guy that couldn't get by that little cricket and get my 12-pack and get by that liquor store right past it.

You know, I just couldn't get by those stores after work before I got home. And I found myself able to go straight to this building and work on something without taking a drink, you know. And uh and that seemed to help.

I think, you know, one of the things that was kind of funny was, you know, kind of how I got into things like this, you know, kind of service stuff I may do today was early on that sponsor of mine, you know, I'd go to a meeting and I scared death of you guys. You know, I couldn't talk and I go home and we'd talk about what y'all talked about and and he started saying, "Well, did you read anything at the meeting?" And I said, "Well, no, they gave those things out before I got there." And he said, "Well, you know, if you ask, I'm sure they give you one." and back and forth, you know, for weeks. I wouldn't read anything and he keep asking me to.

And then one night, you know, I ran home and I said, "Joe, I read the long one. Yeah, I'm a graduate student, scared to read how it works, you know, but uh but I was scared to death, you know. I just knew I'd mess up." And usually what I did when I knew I was going to mess up, I didn't even try.

And uh and that began some things for me, you know. my funny little thing, you know, but then you move on, chair some meetings, and after a little while, you know, one of the older members came up to me and said, "David, I'd like you to be treasurer for our group." But, you know, I'm saying, "Dave, man, I ain't no good with money. Uh, I I'm no good with checkbooks.

I can't I can't do that." And he said, "David, this is how you become good at it." And I'd made a decision that if Alcoholics Anonymous asked me to do anything, I'd do it. You know, I just do it. And so, I said, "Okay." And what I found out was I was pretty good at it, you know, in doing it for you, I probably do it better than I do it for me.

And I was and I was pretty good at it. And then they ask you to do a few other things. By the time you get real good, then they take it away and give it to some other little knad and and who can't do it as good as you did it.

And and then they give you something else to do. And uh you know, and that goes into GSR and DCM and things like that. And what I gained in service, you know, is uh I found out things about me I didn't know about me.

Is I found out I'm far more capable. I'm far more far more competent and far more responsible than I'd ever given myself credit for. You know, that I can do more things than I know I could do.

And the only person holding me back from doing these things was me. And uh somewhere along the line, it got real important for me to do what I say I'm going to do. be where I say I'm going to be when I say I'm going to be there without fail.

And uh it added integrity my life integrity to my life, you know, and uh and that carried on into my business life and other areas and dealings with people, you know, where I suddenly found myself able to look them in the eye and deal with them onetoone rather than, you know, me right here and them up there as it always had been or not deal with them at all because I was afraid. uh service taught me to do things like this. Scared to death, but you know, I know I can walk through fear with some faith and do the best I know how.

And you know, if I mess up, y'all aren't going to kill me. And if y'all kill me, you ain't going to eat me. So, you know, we're going to be all right.

You know, we're going to be okay. And I think one of the best things I ever got into was uh going down Spart Detox. You know, I went down there at least twice a week, every week for years, and they'd let me come in on off times, not just meetings.

I go sit back in a little smoking closet with the guys and just talk, you know, and uh and at some point it got it got real important to me to pay attention to their experience, you know, cuz when I was having a meeting down at Detox and I was saying serenity prayer, I wasn't saying it alone, you know. I mean, these guys knew serenity prayer. They've been in AA, you know, it was obvious most of them were not first- timers.

And I got real interested in their experience, you know, what they found in Alcoholics Anonymous or not found. And I'd ask them, you know, and a lot of them would say, you know, well, I went to those meetings every day and I heard a lot of griping and moaning and complaining and I just got kind of tired of that. Or, you know, some of the women would say, I went to those meetings and, you know, there weren't anything but a bunch of guys trying to chase me around.

It's like being in a bar without alcohol. And uh things like that, you know, and I paid attention. You know, I think we too often write off people who don't make it just saying they just weren't ready.

I don't know that. I don't know that. What was their experience?

What did we show them when they got here? And it got real important to me to have a place where when somebody came in, whether it's somebody we met in the prison, somebody we met in the detox, somebody straight off the street from the answering service, that they come into a place where they're going to hear the problem, they're going to hear the solution, and they're going to hear the program of action to bring about that solution. every time.

And uh what we did was we decided to start another group. You know, because the groups we were working with just weren't doing that. And u and it's worked out real well.

You know, what we chose to do is we just take our meetings out the book. On Monday night, we have a literature-based discussion and and what we do is uh somebody will bring something out of one of the conference approved books, a short passage, and that's what we talk about. You know, we don't ask, "Does anybody have a problem?" We assume if you're an AA, you got a problem.

Uh, and what you need is a solution and that's what we talk about. And on Friday night, we have big book study and we read one page at a time from this book and we talk about what's on that page. You know, just about the black parts, not that stuff in between.

Uh, what we not what we think about it, but what our experience is with that page. And we usually cover about two pages a night and it works out pretty well. But what's happened in this thing is uh some of these guys have come in and found the value of sponsorship right quick and the value of working these steps.

They came in, found out what they had and knew they needed a solution, decide the steps might be the thing to do. And uh you've seen a lot of them running around here this weekend, you know, making coffee, cleaning up, and doing things like that is uh what happens. They do the steps quickly and they get better quickly and they're able to share that with other people.

you know, um, a lot of people got their opinions about this step work, but you know, if I've been shot, I'm not going to wait till I feel better a year from now to go to hospital is, uh, I'm going to do this work now and maybe maybe recover from alcoholism. You know, not just get a little relief, but actually recover from this thing, be relieved of that obsession with alcohol so that I can get on with life. And uh, that's what's been happening.

Uh, we just got a good gang there. I guess I'm close to needing to wrap this thing up. And uh you know, I'm supposed to tell you what it's like now.

And I I guess I'll tell you a little bit. I've been talking a bit about my folks. I'll tell you what it's like there.

You know, um last time I was down with my parents, you know, this dad I used to fight with and we'd take swings at each other and all that. We spent a lot of time out on the boat fishing and just talking and being with each other. and he waits every Sunday night at six o'clock for me to call and fights my mama for the phone, you know, he just, you know, really looks for we really look forward to talking to each other and really have come to respect each other, you know, and my dad writes me little notes or tells me, you know, I'm proud of you and I love you.

And uh if you'd have told me that I would have thought that was important when I got here, I wouldn't have believed you. And I wouldn't give much for that today. you know, I never knew how important that was to me.

And uh my mom, you know, we we I was down at their house, you know, I guess it was around Christmas, and she just started crying cuz I was going back the next day, you know, and she wasn't crying because what was going to happen to David, you know, she was just going to miss her son. And uh and she hugged me and, you know, she told me something I hadn't heard up until this last this last time, but she said, "You know, I know you're going to be okay. Y'all gave that to my mom.

You know, she knows I'm going to be okay. She knows where I'm at tonight and knows what I'm doing and that's a big deal. But it took a lot of years of just trying for us to get there rather than me telling them anything.

It's just consistency of doing what we do. You know, I'd like to finish this thing up by telling y'all everything else is all wonderful in my world, but it's just not. Um, you know, what I found in here is that being a sober member of AA, being active in service and all that does not give us a pass from the normal problems that everybody has to experience in life.

And uh, you know, I've had some times in the last month or two where I've hurt worse than I've ever heard in life, not just in soiety. And uh I've had nights of crying and nights of uh just wondering what was going to happen next. And uh I've had the good fortune of learning a few things.

You know, from from my sponsor Bob, one of the last things he showed me was that by practicing what we do in Alcoholics Anonymous, we can meet any condition with some dignity, some courage, and some faith. And I watched Bob do that as he died of leukemia. And I know I can do that.

Um, what I've mostly been doing a whole lot of is prayer and nothing elaborate, you know, is is God, I don't know what's happening next. And please help. Please help me.

And what happens is a friend of mine, George, call and go, "Hey, how you doing?" And I'll go, "Well, I'm okay." And he'll say, "Well, I just want to check by." And he'll do that two, three times a week, you know, and and I know I'm not alone. And I know he does care. We don't have talk for hours, you know, and I know I'm not alone.

And then a friend of mine, John K's over here, will call and he'll say, "How you doing?" And I'll say, "Pretty good." And he'll say, "You don't sound like it. Won't you come over here and we'll go to a meeting and go to lunch?" And and I'll do that, you know, and uh the day will be all right. Then I go down to the prison and carry a meeting down there and realize how very fortunate I am to be where I am today no matter what's going on in my life is it's a long way from that psych ward in Alabama to standing up here tonight.

And I'm very fortunate and very blessed to be where I am today. And u what I've come to find is all I need to do is trust that God's with me. You know, he was with me when I was riding down to that psych ward in Alabama.

He had a plan for me when I thought I was going to die drunk. He got a plan for me today. I don't have to know what that is.

All I got to do is trust he's there. Practice a few simple principles of this thing and do my very best to share this with other people that don't know yet and do that on a regular basis and I'll be all right. like to thank you all for having me talk tonight.

>> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.