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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. My name is Joe McBen and I'm a very grateful alcoholic >> and my and my sobriety date is June 14th, 1993.

And and I say that in a celebratory salute to this club and all of you out there because if it weren't for people like you, you'll hear I I I I wouldn't be alive. When you hear the things that Club 12 has done for me, the other thing I'm getting choked up. The other thing I have to tell you is when I sobered up, I cry.

I'm a crier. I cry at supermarket grand openings. >> >> This club is it's it's it's not political politically correct to say this is the mecca of alcoholic synonymous.

But I will say this is this is the Ellis Island of Alcoholics Anonymous. We should have Bill Wilson in a in a flowing robe like the like the Statue of Liberty on top of Club 12. and and and he should have a a big book, a first edition big book, and and at the bottom of it, the same thing that's written on the Statue of Liberty.

Bring us your wretched refues, you know, and just like just like Ellis Island, uh the immigrants when they come in and they get they get status and they get in here and they become citizens, they start wanting to lower the standards. And I remember having a couple years and I sit here and I start saying, "These newcomers aren't sincere the way I was. Listen to that halfmeasure crap out there.

Oh my god." And and then one day I was in my self-righteous righteous mode, which I will um speak a little bit about. Um and I said, "You know what? There's a big funnel out there that brings all the sick people and just all the the the lowest people and the halfmeasured people and it just comes right in all the sickness of of the world and it comes right through the front door there.

And this new t comer looked over there at me and he says, "Yeah, and only the sickest of those sticks, they sober for two years." So I never say that anymore. I would like to thank Pat and I would like Where's Pat? I would like to thank Pat and I'd like to thank Chris for inviting me to come and speak.

I spoke last weekend out in San Diego and I usually don't get nervous when I do this, but I got to tell you, my knees are knocking. My knees are knocking because these are the people that saw me at the worst. They saw me.

You know, you ever notice, we read the ABCs this morning. You ever notice that there's no facility, there's no hospital, there's nothing out there that says you can go to and say, "Well, AA referred me to you. There's nowhere for you to go." They used to say that this is the last house on the block.

And that may be true, but let me tell you, I think it's also the last room on the last house on the block. I came here, nothing worked. This was the last place in the world for me to come and you people treated me.

If if you're new here and people are excited to see you and they walk in and say, "You're the most important person in the room." >> Let me tell you, it it's it's so true. They treated me that way 17 and 12 years ago. It's this Alcoholics Anonymous is kind of a a strange place.

It's the only place in the world that you can walk in, be the most important person in the room and be treated like gold, and if you stick around and you get one of those hard-hearted sponsors and you work the steps and you do service work, you can work your way down to trusted servant. And if they're treating you nice and you're saying, "What in the world is wrong with these people?" Let me tell you, I did that. And they know something that you don't know yet.

They know something that you don't know yet. Oh, here I go again. They know.

They see who you are more than you do. and alcoholic synonymous. When I'm doing this, when I'm working one on-one with an alcoholic at my home, out of the big book, when I'm sitting in a meeting, when I'm driving to a penitentiary to speak or just carrying the message to a county jail on Monday nights, I know more about who I am and who my creator is than any other time in the world.

That is my conscious contact. I'm sober only by the grace of God. If you hear me speak today and it sounds like, "Oh, he's a big book afficionado or he's he's really working a good program." Let me tell you, I need a lot of grace.

That word grace, I never knew the roots of that and why we say the grace of God and all of that. That came from Bill Wilson. There was a guy at Clinton Street that didn't show up for three meetings when they had their meetings there in New York.

And they asked Bill, "Well, where's Joe?" happened to be his name. And he said he had slipped. And they said, "What do you mean slip?" He said, "He slipped from the grace of God." And I come in here, I was prayed into this fellowship.

I was prayed. And that grace of God opened up to me when I came here. And I it it I hear hear this once in a while.

Work a don't get don't get too well too soon. Work a step a year. I got involved right here at this group with a group of doers.

They were maniacs for service work. Page 28 in the big book, it says, "We seek recovery with all the desperation that of a drowning man." And boy, let me tell you, thank God for those people. The other thing is Bill Wilson in the uh doctor's opinion it talks about on the during the course of his third treatment there's a slipper he came in and he became sold on some ideas and part of the con those conceptions was that he would pass on those ideas to others and they would still pass on to others and this has become the basis of this rapidly growing fellowship.

ship. And then he went on to write that these men and their families appear to have recovered. And he said that these were people who had failed at every other means.

I would hope that if you were to come out to Bastrop, Texas and follow me around, you would see that I'm not just a member of Alcoholics Inconven and when it's convenient. I'm not just doing AA between the serenity prayer and the Lord's Prayer. AA is something that I live, something that I do.

My home group is the Away Out Group of Alcoholics Anonymous in Bassrop, Texas. Thank you. We have a closed big book meeting Saturday mornings at 9:00.

We've got a step study Tuesday nights at 7:00 and we have two noon meetings at noon on Tuesday and noon on Friday. And y'all are welcome to come there. We've got some very good AA.

The other thing is I just want for those of you who are taking vets, I just it it means a lot to me. Any I have been there's no way I should ever have a relationship or a marriage and it's working. So, please leave her alone.

The ether hasn't worn off. Let's not break the denial. I would like for my daughter, my wife to stand up and and just I want you to TO SEE THEM.

I'LL GET INTO MY STORY NOW. I'm I'm a guy that's not supposed to be alive. I'm not supposed to live free in society.

I'm a guy who always felt a little different. I'm a guy who as far back as I can remember there was something wrong with me. As far back as I can remember, I felt weird, different, unique.

I felt like there was a great big circle and you all were in it and I was in this little bitty circle and I could never fit in. I don't know what that was about. I felt that way all through my life.

I remember trying to hang myself at 9 years old. I just said, "Man, I cannot do this. I cannot do this." I remember going through life just saying, "How in the world can I make it through another day?" It was like, you know, the hairs like, have you ever seen a 220 volt wire?

If you were to strip the coating off that wire and you were to let the wires arc, that's the way my emotions were. And I went around all my life feeling that way. And I just don't remember ever not feeling that way until at about 14 years old, we broke into Mr.

Mahoney's garage when he was at work and we sold some Mets beer and I had never drank before and my friends in the neighborhood were sitting around and we put it in the creek and they started letting it get cold and we were acting goofy and swimming and stuff and diving off the trees into the creek and then all of a sudden they said, "Hey, it's cold enough there. Let's drink it." Little did I know that something was going to happen that was going to alter the course of my life. Little did I know that the absence of that feeling would be intolerable, more intolerable than it had ever been before.

The 12 and 12 talks about sometimes the pain and suffering and humil and sobriety is more constant and more acute than when we were drinking cuz we took away our medication. I drank that and all of a sudden I got these little needles sticking out of my nose. All of a sudden I wasn't this fat roly poly stutterer.

All of a sudden I felt like I was enough. I was in that circle and I felt great. It was a good feeling and I rode that for a long time.

That feeling is what the doctor's opinion talks about. Men and women drink essentially for the effect. I didn't drink.

I hated the taste of it, but it just felt so good. And I would do whatever it took to get it for many, many years. I eventually got married.

I met a girl whose daddy owned a car dealership. Now, where I come from, that's what we call love at first sight. and I began to court her and we got married and my drinking escalated.

I was not equipped to be a husband. I was not equipped to be a father. And I want to give you an example.

But before I do this, I I just I just want to say one thing. this Club 12, they're talking about it. My sponsor asked me to join Club 12.

He said, "This is a way for you to become responsible." And I I and he he sold me on that idea and I went up there and I paid those dues and every month I'd come up and it would be hard some months, but I went up there and I felt like I was responsible and I was this I took ownership of this club and I just want to put in a little plug. That's a good thing. The other thing is, you know, we've got the singleness of purpose and all.

And one day, uh, when I was new, I came in and I said, "My name is Joe. I'm an alcoholic. I'm a food addict.

I'm a sex addict. I'm a manic depressant. I'm a drug addict.

I am an obsessive compulsive." And my sponsor was sitting in the room and he says, "That's not good." And he says, "For God's sakes, what are you doing?" And I said, "Well, he didn't know, you know." And he says, "Listen, you got to find yourself within the confines of those first 164 pages. You've been outside that circle your whole life. And what you're trying to do is keep yourself feeling different, weird, unique, and saying you're special.

If you can find yourself within the confines of that first 164 pages, there's going to be hope for you. So from now on, out of respect, you introduce yourself as an alcoholic. He said, "You don't go to the Catholic church and say, I'm Southern Baptist, change your homaly to hellfire and broom." I said, "All right." Well, one day I pulled up to the club and he wasn't there.

And I'll tell you, here's my time to shine. I introduced myself and I got to tell you, I think this is true. I introduced myself and I said, "My name is Joe and I'm a pig." What's that?

I'll drink it, snort it, sniff it, shoot it, smoke it, fight it, or have sex with it if it'll change the way I feel about me. I bet you we have some other pigs out here, right? Well, I sponsored a group of guys and every Sunday night we'd have about 20, 30 of them and we would be having a big book study over at my place and we said, "We got to name this group.

We got to name this group." And they were saying, you know, we really like the pigs thing. We really like the pigs thing. I said, "All right, well, let's call ourselves the pigs group." And we did.

We were a group of pigs. We were people interested in growing spiritually. And and and I had this wife who says, "You keep your hammy hands off me.

You drink like a pig and you run around with a bunch of other pigs." And I wear that as a badge of glory. Now when when we we and then we decided that once we work through the steps and you become where you're you're sponsoring then you should be something more than a pig. He said yeah why don't we have hogs and that would be helping others grow spiritually.

This program of Alcoholics Anonymous for me isn't a self-help group. It isn't a program that you go to for me that I go to to get well and so that I can feel better. Isn't it isn't a program where I can go and I can meet a woman.

It isn't a program where I can go and I can get my job and keep that. If that's what I was coming to, Alcoholics Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous would give that to me and then I could go. Alcoholics Anonymous is a program that got me where I could go there and help others grow spiritually, perfect an enlarge spiritual life.

That's what that's the tether that keeps me grounded. Anyway, that's enough about that. when I was married in S up in Kansas City and I married this girl and she was going to divorce me.

So, I did what any good self-respecting alcoholic would do. Um, I got her pregnant that kept a marriage together. See, but this is an example.

This is an example of my thinking when she had she she had our daughter and we were up there and she was doing this lamas they called it back then you give me chip ice you know here's what an animal I was I said for God's sakes here's the ice come on now come on you all right how far is the contraction I'll be right back I go downstairs and drink I'm not proud of this. And then when she had our daughter, I was really snered. And when they when we went in and they pulled the baby out, I did not know this then.

I I I wish I would. And for those of you out there, I want to let you know when they pull the baby out, when the baby comes out, the lady the the mother's temperature drops down and she starts to shiver. This is how sick I was.

I kissed her on the cheek and she was cold and shivering and I said, "You've been cheating on me." And they threw me out of there cuz I made a scene and I went and I got drunk and I got in a car wreck. You can't make this up. My Facebook page has a picture of me sitting in a wheelchair with a um neck brace and her standing behind me like this and >> >> And we're looking in the aquarium, you know, where they keep all the babies.

And the nurses don't treat you nice. I mean, for God's sakes, women give births 24 hours a day. I got in a wreck.

That happens what, once, twice a lifetime. And they treated me mean. I just didn't understand it.

Her father came up and told me that she was going to divorce me. and and uh how horrible I was and he hated me and he had every right to do that. And um I had written him a check cuz his bookie was coming down on him.

He didn't want his wife to know about. I read wrote him a check for $5,000 and I put loan and he put hyphen payment on it. And I tried to get that back when we were separated and he said, "No, no, no." And he he character assassinated me.

Well, the reason I'm telling this is for two reasons. First off, that is sick behavior. That is sick.

But I want to talk to you for a moment about untreated alcoholism. If you're new out there and you're thinking, "Can I ever get this? Can I ever stay sober?

Is this really I know they're talking about this higher power, but they're talking about Jesus." You know, if you're out there and you're saying, "Oh my God, I have I got to find a God is all the things I've done. There's no way I'm ever going to be able to stay sober." My talk today is to you. If you're out here and you have many years and you're saying, you know, this I'm just he's up there talking.

It's funny, but my checking account's 600 overdrawn. My wife hates me. I go to meetings and it's the same thing over and over and over again.

My talk is to you. this lady, we we got a divorce and I came to San Antonio swearing never ever ever to drink again. And I want you to know I made that promise and I kept it for 2 days.

Now, this thinking that I have, you know, when you when you sober up a drunk horse thief, what do you get? You get a better horse seat that's sober. Five years ago, it was my wife's AA birthday and we go to Lraange to celebrate it.

That's our district out there. And she gets up there and she starts crying and talking about all the friends she has. I have like 12 years sober at that time.

And she comes and sits down next to me. I said, "You didn't say anything about me. I'm ashamed.

My sponsor tells me I must tell this. I left her there and I went home and she caught a ride with some friends of ours who she likes better than me. And I called my sponsor and he said, "You did what?" Said, "Well, yeah, yeah, yeah." And that that just affect he says, "You're an idiot.

You go over there right now." Well, that's that's untreated alcoholism. That's where I go back. The other thing is I want to tie into this this this wife who had my daughter, my oldest daughter in Kansas City and her father-in-law.

When it came time for me to make my amends to her father-in-law or her father, my my ex-father-in-law, I called him and he wouldn't get on the phone and talk to me. And I talked to Jim and he says, "We'll call again." I called three times. Finally, he agreed to talk to me Sunday at 1:00.

Not 12:59 and not 101, but at 1:00. And I called him and I said, "Bill, I'm a member of a fellowship and I'm trying to get my life in order and I've been living life pretty bad. I've done some things to harm you and I can never get over my alcoholism unless I clear away the wreckage.

And I'm calling you to make it right." And this was the last amends I had to make at that time. And he said, "You want to make an amends to me? Drop dead and die.

I hate your guts. You've ruin our family. Don't you ever call me.

I don't care if you get sober. In fact, I wish you'd die." And he hung up on me. By all accounts, that was a horrible amends.

Right now, let me tell you. Let me tell you why. What happened?

I walked in to my bathroom and I was shaking and my look was going like this and I had these tears coming down and I wasn't angry. I wasn't sad. I didn't know what it was.

And I looked in that mirror and there was somebody I hadn't seen since I was 7 years old looking back at me. That's what Alcoholic Anonymous has done. It It got me tender.

It got me fresh. It got me feeling forgiven. Now, one of the things we had to do at that time was to I owed $10,000 in child support.

And I thought I might be going to jail sober. And Jim said, "You need to go down there and you need to start making payments and you need to find out." Well, I went down there and I found out what the state of Texas wanted me to do cuz they were up in Missouri and I had to go through all of this. I called up my Y ex-wife and told her the deal and everything.

4 days a year later, it's still going on and I get special delivery and I get a a FedEx and I open it up and it is a notorized release of the $10,000 in child support which was down to nearly 5,000 at that time. And I looked at it and I said, "Wow, mana from heaven. This AA stuff's great." But here's the kicker, and this is why this story is so important.

Is I looked and it was notorized. And guess who the notary was? It was her father.

He notorized that. You see, when we had this moment of silence in here and we're trying to quiet our mind, and this is the beautiful thing about Club 12, there's people who have passed on and are over in the ethereal who have helped me and I sure hope I get around to telling you how much they meant to me. There's something bigger than us.

Ralph Waldo Emerson calls it the oversole. There is something here at Club 12. There is something here that is magic and it is working in through and as each and every one of us.

That second tradition is so powerful. That tells me the 11th step is great. It's our prayer and meditation.

The second tradition right now is to the group what the 11th step is to the individual. I'm not aware of it, but God's going to touch somebody's heart by something that I'm saying and I'm I don't even know what it is. I'm not going to be narcissistic and pretend to know.

And when you're sharing and when I'm in here, there's God's coming through y'all. My job is to sit here and be unclogged. Right over there, there was a old-timer.

Most of you know him from the Broadway group and his name was Ralph. And he'd come up to me all the time and he'd say, "Joe, God is things are face reality." Every time I saw him, Joe, God is things are face reality. And I'd say, why do you keep telling me this?

I'll write it down on my big book. if you'd like, I'll write it down on a piece of paper and give it to you so you won't have to have memorize it for you. Well, I sat down right here and I said, "Ralph, why do you keep telling me that?" He says, "Someday it's not going to be about anybody else." The big book says, "Either God is or he isn't.

God is either everything or he is nothing. What is your choice?" He goes, "You need to make that decision right now for then." God is outside of space and time. It doesn't exist to him.

The language of God is silence. God is things are. Face reality.

Affirm your choice right now ahead of time. When when the screws are down and the heat is on right now ahead of time, decide that God is everything. That's what the God is.

Things are He says everything. Everything that happens in God's world right now is exactly the way that it is supposed to do be and everything that's happened is carving a way a way for you to fit in the big scheme of gods. And he said face reality is simply this.

It talks about in the big book that the great reality is deep down within. He says you need to keep that you need to keep that open and you need to keep that flow from being clogged. We can do not have room for resentments and fear and anger.

We I lived in Washington DC for a little while and I used to go to meetings at the US capital with a one of my AA heroes, Hal Marley. Howal gave me this at the US capital. His sobriety date was February 24th, 1964.

Bill Wilson asked him to write in the daily reflections on February 24th, 1964. He wrote on gratitude and he said that gratitude is an action that aa is something that he does and he lives not that he goes to. He talks about when he gets up in the morning he hits his knees and he thanks God for three things that he's alive that he's sober and that he's a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Then he gets about with a attitude of gratitude and he said it's a law of physics that two opposing things cannot fit in the same space at once and a heart that is overflowing with gratitude doesn't have room for fear, resentment, and anger and those petty little things. And I want to tell you that I hope that if you're here today that you just get a little piece of what I wish I could give to you that I have a love affair with Alcoholic synonymous. People say, "Joe, you drop names and I do, but I will never apologize for having a heroes." There are giants of Alcoholics Anonymous in this room and have came here up at this podium.

I dress the way I usually wear tie dyes. I spoke in Louisville out last year on Bill Wilson's birthday. No, on on Dr.

Bob's birthday, June 10th, and they asked me to wear my tie-dye and I said, "Well, no, I always like to wear a a coat and tie to show my respect for what Alcoholics Anonymous has done for me." They said, "Yeah, but we'd like to." The story behind that is that I had a very very very low bottom and it was dark and it was gray and it was black most of the time and there was nothing nothing that would make my life feel worthwhile. And ever since I came in here and I worked the steps and God removed that defect of drinking. And when I work the steps, he removes the ones I'm working on.

I put myself in a position for him to remove them. That my life is bright and colorful and I'm around a lot of people who are. You see, through the windshield of my perception, I don't see things as they are.

I see things as I am. I can go around and I can have the windshield on the outside and all the things out there looking great, clean, squeaky clean and everything, but it's not the things on the inside that's dirty. It's my perception on the inside.

And thank God we have a way out. We can clear that away. Clear away the wreckage of our past.

We don't have to be our past does not have to equal our future. We have a way that that personality change that is sufficient enough to overcome alcoholism is just incredible. I never thought that I could be up here today.

Now, a little bit about that is I had been going in and out of alcoholic synonymous for a long time. I am a suicide drinker. I'm a guy who drinks too much and I drink to die.

I don't want to feel. and I drank and I drank and I drank. There's some humorous stories that went along with that.

My daughter was in Durango, Colorado with us and I uh got drunk cuz her mother was not treating me in a fashion which I wanted to be. And so I went out and I got drunk. Some drunk Indians in Durango, Colorado rolled me, left me in my underwear and t-shirt.

The police came. They were going to arrest me for drunk in public. And I said, "You can't arrest me." And they said, "Why?" And I said, "I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

They're rolling on the ground." And I said, "I said, you call them and they'll let you know. They'll call the office there. I'm somebody.

They know me at Club 12." And know they're laughing. They call two guys. They come over and they 12step me.

And the sponsors sponsies come because it's one of the first playoffs where Michael Jordan is playing and they're there. What man? We're going to get you to the general league.

You get there, we want to get back. And I said, "What page is that on?" You see, I can memorize things, but I can't live it where the heck. So, they take me over and my daughter sees me and I'm talking to my dead brother and I'm crying.

I don't have a dead brother. The The marriage is over. I come back and I'm trying to I'm committing suicide to prove my love to this woman.

She just doesn't get it. Finally, she has enough of me and I'm going in and out of charm schools. Laurel Ridge.

Lori is here and she was one uh in 2000 she checked me in. She was my admitting nurse and she, you know, AA was good, but I think they're a little strict about this not drinking stuff. You know, they take that a little too seriously.

And she kept telling me about my drinking. It wasn't my drinking that was a problem. It was the It was the odometer laws.

It was the the women. It was things like that. And she kept talking to me about my drinking.

I would go home and we I would promise her I I went to seven acts retreats with the Catholic Church. I took everything I could do. I'd say baby just went what about the kids?

Come on, honey. I worked every deal and I I there that woman went way further with me than she should have. And there was a lady who goes to this club named Susan and her husband was the chief of police and she would call my my uh then wife would call and she would have them come over and throw me out or say, "I think he's dead." and they'd call over the ambulance and the police would come over.

They put me on a gurnie and my children saw me go through that over and over and over and over. Now, why I came to club 12? I came to club 12 and I listened.

When Pat and um um Chris asked me to speak, I said, "Isn't there a bylaw about having a guy speak at your anniversary who you've 86 out of the club before?" Just Well, I don't think so. I threw a chair at Dade Rayfield for God's sakes. He's sitting there.

I can lip sync to this very day. Dade Rayfield's drunkalogue. And I say, "My God, you people are talking about not drinking.

There's no way you could be sober for 40ome years. Jesus Christ. I'm sitting here.

I can't believe it." And I hit this chair and it knocked over and it hit Dade. I So, I really didn't throw it. It was just he was in the wrong place.

You know, this is going to be my one cuss word. Jill is a couple of his asskissers, now you all call them sponses, asked me to leave. Uh, they did so in this way.

Get out. And so I left and I went down to Boytown. I got drunk.

I spent all my money. I somehow got back here and I said, you know, nobody loves me. Alcoholics Anonymous.

My own people have turned on me. So, I was out there. I get a bungee cord.

I don't have a belt because I think I sold it for gas money on the way or something. I find a bungee cord. I wrap it around my neck a couple times.

I go out there to the front door. This is why you pay dues. Where's a guy going to commit a suicide if this place closed?

And you know, I wrapped a bungee cord around my neck and I sit there. They're going to be sorry. You know, in Huck Finn, Huck faked that he drowned and he was up in the balcony of the church and all the people were going by.

Oh, poor Huck. And I started thinking about that. I said, I'll do that.

And I said, whoa, you'll be dead. Well, >> >> that keen alcoholic mind. And I hung myself right there and and and little Robert right here.

I passed out. Well, I had a horrible crick in my neck and a bad headache. And he woke me up.

He says, "Joe, we're going to call the police. You need help." And I said, "Robert, they'll put me back in the state hospital and they'll only eventually send me here. I Please don't do that." And I went over there and got a desire at the 7:00 a.m.

LIKE THAT. >> >> I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP. And you know, we talk about on page 132, the theme of this is we talk about on 132 that we recount the and almost relive.

It's not I I believe me, I wish I I had a I came and I met Jesus and everything was wonderful. I did eventually, but I'm just telling you, I am a crazy mad dog alcoholic and I have to seek recovery with all the desperation that I did those things. I had one more bottom and that was simply this.

Remember when Earl Roberts was going to lose his university if if and God was going to strike him dead if he didn't re raise millions of dollars? I had t-shirts made and was laughing at everybody and it said LD and it was an acronym for let Oral Roberts die. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry. I drink 38 I take 38 Xanax. Drink a half a gallon Reuniti.

That's my wine of choice for death. I get on the phone and I call call Earl cuz he needs money and I'm telling him that I'm going to die and I'm going to pee on baby I'm on baby Jesus feet and I'm going to be the best satanic angel there ever was and then I pass out. Well, what I didn't know and th for those of you out there is they call suicide prevention and they come knock down your door and that really makes your wife angry.

And they took me to the state hospital. But before they took me to the state hospital, they took me over to Bear County Hospital. I was in ICU.

And I woke up from that and I said, "My god, I can't even kill myself." I ripped out all everything out of my arms, my nose. I had all this black stuff, the charcoal, and I said, "You know what? This is it.

I can't even kill myself." I run over, I open up the window, and I jump out and I'm trying to slide through. For God's sakes, I'm on the first floor. Swear to God.

They put me in a straight jacket. They take me in a padded van. They take me over to the state hospital.

Dr. Coven had been there 37 years. He knew Bill Wilson.

He was a very good friend of Dr. Seals. And I need to speed up my story.

As part of this, Dr. Seal asked me when I had 6 months sober to speak up at Starlight. I'm there and I'm speaking and I'm really having a great time.

And was her name Libby? She came up as secretary and said, "Joe, Joe, you got 5 minutes. Why don't you get sober?

Well, when I'm in the state hospital, I'm not in the alcohol unit. I'm not in Go's Hall. I'm in Colorado unit.

There's people that I was in back in '92. I was in the same ward with people who are still there today. And I went and I met with the psychiatrist and I told Dr.

Coven, I said, "Dr. Coven, I've been to Alcoholic Anonymous. Please don't tell me to go there." I said, "Here's what I" and I cried and I begged him and I said, "Dr.

Coven, would you please give me a labbotomy?" Now, that sounds funny, but I'm telling you, I was serious. I've been to Alcoholics Anonymous, and it didn't work for people like me. And he said, "Joe, there's a lady here who got kicked out of the Navy and she's on our staff and she has 17 years sober." And she said that she's seen you in and out of here and you're an alcoholic.

I said, "Dr. Coven, please don't mention that again. Give me a How about electric shock treatment?

You know, I've been so used to plea bargaining, I figured it may work with him." And he says, "No, Joe. No. I was in there for 82 days.

When I got out, I weighed on nearly 400 lb. I was awarded the State of Texas MHMR program. I was taking 14 pills a day to sedate the I'm sorry.

Thank you people. I was taking 14 pills a day to sedate the intensity of my emotions. I was living in section 8 housing.

I was on $480 a month SSI payment. The prognosis was my my wife came in and visited me and my business partner and I was and they got they divorce. The divorce went through everything and I was just going to live.

I could never have any pressure. I could never be a member of society. And I went up to New Bronals and Kate was there and she says, "Joe, I'm the one Dr.

Coven told you about and I'm going to be your counselor." She goes, "I must tell you something." She goes, "If you're an alcoholic, this is your only hope. There's no place else for you to go." She goes, "There's hope for you, Joe. There's hope for you." She goes, "You've got to get into Alcoholics Anonymous.

You've got to start sponsoring. You got to take those actions." And she shared with me all this and she says, "I was awarded the state of Texas. They sent me over here to Club 12.

They sent me to gym. I did everything." He says I didn't, but I did. I did everything he asked me.

One other little sidebar is that when I was in Laurel Ridge, the psychiatrist there sent me over to a guy who was also a retired car dealer. And I went over there and it was Jim and um I said, "Okay, well, you're my psychiatrist sponsor. He charges me $145 an hour.

What do you charge?" He goes, "Oh, no." I said, "No, I don't take charity." 165. Okay. I wrote it out.

He says, "Just put it away. I want something more." Anyway, what what the the rest of the story is this is that Jim had fired this psych fired him and I was revenge by the psychiatrist. True story.

True story. Well, I came over to Alcoholics Anonymous. I did everything he asked me to do.

After four and a half, 5 months, I was doing so good. They called him, they talked to him, and I was released as a word of my sponsor. That's not supposed to happen.

I used to go back there on my birthday and I still have the people that were in there when I was there at the unit I was in. It's not supposed to happen. This is the miracle.

We're like a bunch of fish swimming around in water saying, "Hey, how do I get water? How do I get water?" Let me tell you, there's somebody. I sat right out there 10 years ago with my very best friend in the world and we listened to a guy from Kansas City named Craig and he and he talked and Mike leaned over to me and he said, "That's what's going to happen to you, Joe." I said, "No, it'll never happen for somebody like me." I want you to know the most important thing in Alcoholics Anonymous to me is being sponsored and is being and is sponsoring and is remaining sponsorable.

My best friend Mike at 16 years got a resentment, quit going to meetings, started staying at home. Resentments were like a snowball and he took a drink. On the second day I came down and got him.

I took him up at a house I had and I put him in there and I took him to a get a desire chip and he would go out at night and he would drink and I would take him to a meeting again. And finally I said, "Mike, god darn it, you got to quit drinking. You know how to quit it.

You're out there. You're stealing booze every night and I'm paying for it. We're going to put you in jail and you can get sober there or you can do it the way we did when we first came into Alcoholics Anonymous." And he looked at me and I said, "Please, Mike." And I said, "This is Friday night.

We just got out of a meeting. I'm going to come back Monday and open up the office and I want your decision." I walked in Monday morning. I knocked on the door.

He didn't answer. I got my key out. I went in there and there was Mike Witson laying dead there.

This grace of God is here. See, a farmer doesn't grow anything. He creates a fertile environment so that he so that growth can take place.

A surgeon doesn't heal anything. He creates a sterile environment. so that growth can uh healing can take place.

And an alcoholic's synonymous we perfect and enlarge our spiritual life not by prayer and meditation. That's part of it. But it says if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through what?

Constant. Constant is gravity. No matter who you are, if you pick this up and drop it, it's going to fall down.

It doesn't matter what you did as a child, what sins you've done. We're dealing with spiritual principles. The 12 steps are a group of principles, spiritual in nature.

When if practiced, we'll expel the obsession from alcohol and enable the sufferer to live a happy and useful life. We perfect and enlarge our spiritual life through constant work and sacrifice for others. What do you want from me?

Alcoholics anonymous, you got it. There is nothing I could ever do to repay you for the li I This I'm sharing with you the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous. There's even one that's even a huger one to me.

I called Jim and I I made sure he's sitting down. I thought his heart was going to explode. This is a huge miracle.

I'm a guy who was an abuser was a horrible. If you heard anything about me and women, it's true. If I have an amends, I'm more than happy to make it.

I'm a man who is loved and is loving. and Suzanne and I in March at an AA conference are doing a traditions workshop on loving relationships. This is not supposed to happen.

I've sat in in this club and I have been the biggest jerk and you people have loved me. You've seen me at my worst and you've seen me at my best. There is nothing in Alcoholics Anonymous that you can ask me to do that I won't give back.

There is nothing. I met up. I I I ran around.

Work the steps or die. Godamn it. Carrie, tell them afterwards, I ain't lying.

I met Joe Hawk and Mark Houston and we were big book Nazis. We'd go over here and we'd look at these old-timers. We'd say, "We ought to bring you before the magistrate for accessory to murder." The way you're chairing in meetings, I carried my scepter to every meeting.

I had a black t-shirt with neon letters that said, "Work the steps or die. Me efforts." We had a group conference and a guy said something to me and I knocked him out. Carrie and I, we were going to conferences all over.

We went to this big book and we were taking sponsies. We knew that we had to work with people or we would perish. We bought that.

The only thing I have been consistent and persistent and dedicated to was that and have worked. We took this girl with a prosthetic leg and this other girl and a bunch of my guys and we went out and we went and we went to this AA Big Book Workshop and I want you to know that at night they snuck out and went into the bar. Carrie says, "I don't know where they're at." And I said, "All right, let's go down." They were in the bar letting these guys.

We're at an AA conference. work the steps or die. So she says they're members of Alcoholics Anonymous.

We take them upstairs. They go back down again. She calls me.

We go down. This time we take the girl's leg and we put it in the trunk of my car. >> >> I get a third phone call from Carrie and she had hopped down there, you know, and and John is in the other room and and there's they were identical twins and you can talk to John.

I'm not making this up. I was sponsoring these two identical twins for two weeks before I found out they were different people. AND IT'S ABOUT TIME FOR ME TO wind up.

But let me tell you is this this this thinking that comes back like with Suzanne and me leaving her in Lraange is I went in business and I said, you know, I've been an AA missionary for many years. It's time for me. I seem to have forgotten that part in the big book.

a much more important demonstration needed in the occupation. And I got in business and I started making a lot of money and I got greedy and I stopped going to meetings and I I went to one or two and this was like four years ago, 3 years ago and um I went big time. I got greedy and I went broke and we went bankrupt.

And I got to tell you is I'm I I did a a fistep in December. I had 64 resentments and I had 91 amends. I have seven left and they're financial and I'm working on them.

We just paid off the IRS. But I want to tell you something. I beat myself up so much about this.

I And it God didn't do this. I smell the crap and it's mine. He didn't on me.

Second one. Sorry. But I know more about who I really am when I'm in a meeting of Alcoholic synonymous.

When I'm 12step and one of these guys who is down and thinking there's nothing going to work. I know more about who I really am and who my higher power is and what God's will for me is when I'm working there. And I know that if the old-timer Fred Pratt was looking down on me, he would sit here and he'd say, "Joe, it's going to be okay.

It's going to be okay." Why? Because I've got the tools to live. There's there's so much so much this program has.

Jim has this uh saying in one of his workbooks that if you're coming to Alcoholics Anonymous just to stay sober, it's like standing on top of a whale fishing for minnows. There's so much more here. I know no matter what comes down the pike, I got a higher power and I have you people.

I would I'm I'm back in business now and it's hard. It's I'm eating a lot of humble pie. I'm doing things that I thought that at my age I never would have to be going out cold calling on businesses.

I thought I'm somebody. But you know, I got you people. And you know what?

I've got a wife. She loves me for me, not the representatives that I act like I am. She knows me.

You people know the very worst things about me. Brandt told me something. He said, "Joe, there's two words that are interchangeable, and you can't have one without the other, and it's intimacy and vulnerability." And I've got that with you people.

The people who know me the best are the ones who know everything about me. And I've got this higher power. We're all in this shipwreck together.

So, I'm going to be okay because I have my sobriety. I have my higher power and I have you. In closing, I would like to read.

It's a paragraph long. Willie B said this. One other thing is through this time that I went broke and we went bankrupt and and it was horrible.

We would go down to Rule 62, 300 miles every week and we went down there for the laughter and we knew we couldn't be processed served by lawyers and stuff while we were down there. Megan and Suzanne didn't get along. They learned to laugh and they learned to love.

And our family was reunited through that 300 mile trip. And that laughter, there's something healing in this laughter. Says on page 132, it also says, "We think joyfulness and laughter make for best use and healing." And this will be set up here.

I I'm I'm digress. a friend of mine who 12ststepped me who was in the automobile business and came to the state hospital. I called him.

I said, "John, what am I going to do? I'm in the state hospital." I said, "Joe, everybody always knew you're crazy." He goes, "You go to Alcoholics Nons." He had 12 years. He got to be very successful.

Owned 15 car dealerships. Quit going to meetings. And he'd call every once in a while say, "Hey man, I'm going to meeting.

You want to go?" "No, I can't. I got too busy and everything." My disease does not need for me to take a drink to kill me. I need to stay in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I need to do the very things that I did when I was new while I'm here because the very things that brought me in here will eventually take me out. Father's Day, untreated alcoholism. He went out with a pistol and shot himself in the heart.

Stay in the middle of this program. The solution is in the solution. Alcoholics is I used to say I hear Alcoholics Anonymous is a you got to give it away to keep it.

I no longer believe that. I think Alcoholics Anonymous everything that I read and reconcile in the big book in Alcoholics Anonymous you got to give it away to get it. And Club 12 gives it away by the ocean pools.

I'm going to read this. Willie said read this one year and it's been in the great vine. But how do you sum up?

How do you sum up what Alcoholics Anonymous has done for you in your life? How do you sum up when no one else when the doctors were through with you? When the family was through with you, you come in here and they let you live with them and they loved you and they told you you're going to be okay.

How do you pay back when they would tell you they would see who you could be instead of who you thought you were? How do you pay that back? Whatever it is, I'm in.

I'm all in. One other thing is sobriety is like sex. If you ain't enjoying it, you're doing something wrong.

I did think about this. You can get mad at me in the car on the way home. I'm going to tell it.

As I thought about the first time I had sex, I am the spiritual, you know, having had a sexual awakening as a result of these steps. Now, is I didn't know what I was doing. Like when I was a newcomer, I was scared.

It was dark and I was all alone. The steps. Sex is better not alone.

If you ain't enjoying your sobriety, it's a wee program. Get in the middle of alcoholic synonymous. Sorry, honey.

Okay. This has been in the grapevine. I've never been able to read it without crying.

Kathy Willis, one other thing. All 320 lbs of me thanks you for that basket. Oh my god.

One other thing Suzanne would kill me. The other Suzanne I was selling books at for Cso at the international and this lady came up to me and was buying a bunch of books. She looked down on my name tag and she turned around and walked away.

Suzanne came up to me and said, "Joe, this lady needs to talk to you alone in back in private." And I said, "Oh my god." And she looked a little too old for paternity. Um, and and I go back there and she goes, "Joe, you may not remember me, but my name is Kate." And I looked her in the eyes and I started crying. She said, "I've been praying for you every day." And she says, "My name is Kate Holy.

I'm the one who sent you to Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm the sailor who got kicked out of the Navy with 17 years." I started this talk by saying there's something bigger at work here. During this moment of silence, the world was rotating at 1,000 m an hour.

There's so much energy going on. Tap into this power. It is here.

The great reality is deep within. God is things are face reality. Now here it is.

Aa is the spirit. It cannot be touched nor can it be completely understood. It is as wide as a world yet small enough to fit snugly into the mind and heart of man.

It has brought light where only darkness dwelt. It has given hope to the helpless and help to those who yearned in despair. It has nourished forgiveness in those who know knew no pity.

It has given strength to the weak and humility to the strong. It has given the greatness. It has given greatness to the common.

It has spurred to higher goals those who strove for nothing. It has brought to the destitute a home. It has transformed sorrow into a weapon of happiness.

It has given purpose to the trackless and shelter to the lost. It has taught patience to the hurried and action to the slotful. To youth, it has given vision.

To the aged, promise. To the lonely, companions. To the restless, rest.

To the sick, it has been a doctor. To the dying, it has revived a desire to live. To those who have fallen, it has been a helping hand.

It has no judgment against the unteachable, nor has it praise for those who learn. To the outcast, it has been a family. To the ignorant, wisdom.

To the wise, tolerance. It has given to all men and women that which is most precious. It has given love for truth with enough leftover to share with each other.

I love all of you. Thank you. >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise.

If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.