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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. That's humility.

John, my wife says I'm about as humble as Hitler. I went to the restroom there a while ago and this lady tapped me on the shoulder. She said, "You this morning speaker?" And I said, "Yes, ma'am." And she said, "You ever get nervous at these things?" And I said, "Well, no, not really." She said, "Oh, really?" So, what are you doing in the lady's restroom?

This old boy went in the bar there and he said, "Bartender said, "Pour me 10 drinks as quick as you can. 10 doubles." And he poured them up. And the guy started drinking them down.

And the bartender said, "I've never seen anybody drink like that." He said, "What's the hurry?" He said, "I want to get my drinks in before the trouble starts." He said, "Well, what kind of trouble are you expecting?" He said, "I don't have any money. I'm really glad to be here this morning. I thank the committee for inviting us.

It's been a very special special weekend for me. I don't know about you, but it has been for me because it brought back a lot of old memories. And last night we had a little session up in George's room and Charlie and Joe and Nelson and Dan and Hank and Tony and uh David and we brought back a bunch of old men.

We used to used to do a lot of that years ago. A lot. And uh we kind I I I know that Charlie and Joe's done a great deal for our call anonymous over the years and uh I'm not going to give them the credit because they have done but we have helped them too.

we and I'll call it synonymous and this message that we had they stumbled on to and and we were the guinea pigs on those early days of sitting around the rooms and talking and listening about the big book of alcoholics anonymous and it sparked a uh an movement in aa back to the big book and it's very very important and I think that uh we give them credit for it but God worked in our lives God worked in their lives and he worked in our lives and we today are charged was carrying on this message from the big book of alcoholics anonymous cuz it almost got lost. It almost got lost. In the early '7s aa got away from the big book of alcoholics anonymous and got into touchy feeling meetings and uh uh that kind of thing.

And thank God they brought us back to the back to the basics of alcohol synonymous. And I appreciate them for that. You know, in over on page 27 of this book, there's a story about a guy named Roland, Roland Hazard.

And Roland's family sent him to Europe and put him in the care of the physician psychiatrist, Dr. Jung. And he prescribed for him for more than a year.

And uh after a year, he started for home and he got drunk on the way after being there for a year. So he went back to this doctor and he asked him why he couldn't stay stay so sober. And he said, "You have the mind of a chronic alcoholic.

I've never seen anyone stay sober that has a mind that exists in you." He said, "I was there any hope for me." He said, "I don't believe so. You're going to have to hire a bodyguard or be locked up." And he said, "Or you can accept spiritual help." And Dr. Jung was into believing in spiritual help.

And he said he didn't know that much about that. And he said to the doctor, "Is there no exception? Why can't I stay sober?

And the doctor said, "Yes, there is. Exceptions to cases such as yours have been occurring since early times." He said, "Here and there once in a while, alcoholics have had what are called vital spiritual experiences. To me, these occurrences are phenomenon." He didn't understand it, but he knew they existed.

And I uh Roland, we know that Roland came back to the US and joined the Oxra group and practiced the six tenants of the Oxra group, and he stayed sober. And ultimately he carried that same message to Ebie and Eie brought it to Bill. But you see alcohol synonymous started right there because prior to that he said here and there once in a while just once in a great while alcoholics have had what are called vital spiritual experiences.

To me these are phenomenon. Today in AA we can look at each other because of this big book and say that here and now every time an alcoholic will apply these things to their life they too can stay sober and they call it alcoholics synonyonymous but there was no alcoholic synonymous in those days and we've all been involved in that message of carrying this message to alcoholics or at least I have been and I know most of you have been too and I'm going to uh go back now and say to my to you My name is Joe and I'm an alcoholic >> and it's fruited by God's grace and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that I found in a book called Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm sober this morning and for that I'm very very thankful.

And on page 18 of this book it tells the my whole story if you will in this book later on it said that when the spiritual malady is overcome we straighten out mentally and physically the spiritual malady. And spiritual not only means my relationship with God, but my relationship with me. Dr.

Yungi told Roland that these ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were the guiding force of lives these people are suddenly cast to one side. And I go back into my life with this story and it tells my home story. It says, "An illness of this sort, we've come to believe it." An illness involves those balance in a way no other human sickness can.

If a person has cancer, all are sorry for him. No one is angry or hurt. But not so with the alcoholic illness.

For with it goes annihilation of all things worthwhile in life. It engulfs all whose lives touch the sufferers. It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity, disgusted friends and employers, warp lives of blameless children, sad wives and parents.

Anyone can increase the list. In other words, alcoholism is a family illness. It affects every one of us.

And if you live with one of us very long, you'll be affected by it, too. We saw that with Dan and Lily, how their family was affected by this illness of alcoholism and certainly by most of your families and certainly by my family. But I look back in that and I see that my dad was an alcoholic.

I know the day he had an obsession to drink and my mother had an obsession to see that he didn't drink and they fought and fussed about that and I grew up in that and it begin to affect me emotionally. >> >> I've been fighting the cold for weeks, so excuse me. So, anyhow, his drinking got to be real bad.

And my dad was an alcoholic and he was a nice man. Also, we went out to California, came back to West Tulsa, about 3 miles from where Charlie was raised up, beautiful area. We spelled poor with three O's.

Charlie and I talked about this a lot. I said, you know, we never did we never was support we had to live in a tent, but if we' had the money, we'd have lived in one. I guarantee you.

But my dad was an ice man, and he c he hauled ice back and forth to people's houses. And on Friday, Saturday, he would he would get off work and go down by the bootleg and pick up a pine of whiskey and come home and have a drink. And he needed a drink.

I guarantee you he needed a drink. And my mother saw that dollar going for a pint of whiskey that could have fed her kids. And she was afraid of that.

and she was scared and so was he and they fought and fussed about that. And we know that alcoholism is a progressive illness. It progresses as time goes by.

And my dad drinking got worse and my mother's raising hell with him got worse. And as time went by, uh he began to pull a knife out once in a while or a gun and threaten my mother with it and loud talk and dishes being thrown at each other and and I grew up in this and I was affected by it emotionally. My dad used to send me down to the bootleger to pick up a pint of whiskey and bring it back.

And I I would leave and I'd be gone for an hour or two. I didn't want to bring that booze back home cuz I knew what was going to happen when I got back. And uh sure enough, it did only worse because he'd give me a whipon for being gone too long.

And that's the way that was. And my dad from time to time would tell my us kids that he was going to take my mother out and and uh kill her. and they they'd be gone all weekend and I'd be home and I'd be wondering if he's going to do that this time.

And uh and I grew up and I began to get emotionally involved in this stuff and emotionally deformed if you will. Well, my dad's ranking got to be so bad my mother finally had to have him committed to the Eastern State Hospital at Bonita, the local net house over there. And he was to stay there till he got well.

Now think about that. >> >> My dad was the we didn't have any alcoholic wards in those days at all but they put him in the crimly insane ward and that's what they did with alcoholics in those days 1949 50 and 51 and uh he was there for 3 years and 7 months and 13 days and that's what they did with alcoholics in those days now my most formidable years 8 9 10 11 years old and I began to get in a lot ideas, emotions, and attitudes which would become the guiding force of my life because of these experiences. My brother and I used to hitchhike up there from time to time and take him a couple of dollars in a carton of cigarettes.

And I was to go into the incriminally insane ward and I saw things in there that you're not supposed to see. Really bad things. Dan knows what I'm talking about.

Bad things. And uh I got a lot of ideas, emotions, and attitudes along the way. On my way home, my brother and I be hitchhiking home.

And uh an idea came to me one day. I said, "If God, you know, you got to blame it on somebody, right? When you're seven or eight years old." I said, "If God is going to do this to me and us into hell with him, I'll not be asking God for anything anymore forever.

I'm through with him." And another thought came to me one day was this. If it hurts like this to love people, I'm going to quit loving people, too. It hurts too bad.

So, I begin to push people out of my life. And another thought came to me was this. If anything good is going to happen in my life, it's going to happen because I alone without any help from anybody made it that way.

So I didn't need God, nothing or nobody. And those became the guiding forces of my life. Now the way those things manifested in in my life, uh, by the way, those are not very good coping skills, if you will.

They get you in trouble. Uh, they get you arrested. They get you put in jail.

They get you put in prison. they get you divorced. Of course, I didn't know that, but that's the way I lived.

I was I was uh I was threatened. If you threatened me, I I lashed out at you. And that's the way I live my life.

And the way these things manifested primarily was that I want what I want when I want it. Because if you don't have a God in your life, you got to live by what? By your instincts.

And I want to satisfy my basic instincts for power, money, sex, and those things. and I live my life and those were the only reasons for my life was trying to satisfy those basic instincts with life. So, and I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it.

And from time to time, I wouldn't get what I wanted when I wanted it quite often, as a matter of fact. And uh I would be a little restless and irritable and discontented and generally disappointed because I didn't get what I wanted. And from time to time after that, from time to time I would get what I wanted and it was just what I thought it was going to be.

The only problem with that is that that they only last a little while. And you know what? Then I would become disappointed in what I had arrived at achieved and I would be a little restless and irritable and discontented contented and I'd be generally angry because is this is this all there is?

You know, if you arrive at certain goals and they say is this all there is? So, you end up frustrated again. Well, as time went by, I began to uh my uncle was a bootleger and uh he used to hire me over there when I was 11 years old, 10, 11 years old to pitch pints for him at night.

And I started drinking a little of that White Lightning. Boy, I liked it. It changed the way that I thought and the way that I felt right away.

And I liked that. I really did. Made me feel good.

And as time went by, I began to get in a little trouble and I drank a little more and drank a little more and had a mammoth car wreck when I was 17 years old. will damn near kill myself and run off from the highway patrol and they arrested me and always a long story but I was never supposed to walk walk again but fortunately I got over that and and got into some more trouble and George and I I went into service about then when I got out of that and I met my friend George Gibbs here who was to become a part of my life and years later and we were in the army together and uh we we drank a lot. If you fought the army like we did, you'd be speaking Spanish today.

We whipped up on this Mexican warz pretty good. But I got out of I got out of the army and I I decided I was going to get married and well started dating this gal and she had two kids and she decided we going to get married after a while. And uh after we started uh after we got married and before then we were drinking a lot together.

we got married and she decided to be a good idea that we didn't drink. Now she decided that and I kind of thought that was a good idea and uh so I quit drinking. I didn't drink any for there for a year or so.

But after a while, I, you know, I kind of got a little restless and irritable and discontented and generally mad about my marriage and stuff and disappointed. And I wanted to make some more money because, you see, I don't have God in my life, so I have to satisfy these instincts. And I remember these two guys that I used to run with at work and we'd go down by the bar after work and have a three of us would split a pint and we would talk about business and ways to make money and chattering in millions and you know talking in thousands.

We didn't have a damn money, but we talked a lot about it. And I like that, you know, figuring out trying to figure out a way. And I'd come home and my wife would be very upset, be mad for me being out at 6:30 or 7:00 in the evening.

And then I'd of course I couldn't quit doing it. So the next day I'd do it again and I'd get home at 7:30, 8:00, and she'd become mad. And she'd be I come home some night, she'd have my stuff all laying out in the damn yard.

Y'all know what I mean by stuff, don't you? dirty t-shirts, dirty shorts. They never throw out anything that's clean.

I don't know why they don't. And she'd do that and then some some from time to time she'd file divorce on me and make off with the money and put a resting order on me. And she did that four times, by the way, and make me mad every time.

And finally, the last time, uh, I was sitting at the bar one night and I'd been gone about 3 months and I got to thinking. Now, y'all know either drink or think, but don't get the two of them mixed up. But I was drinking and I got to thinking, well, Rose hadn't seen me in about 3 months.

And I bet she's lonely. I mean, wouldn't you be if you hadn't seen me about 3 months. So, I went over to the house and I knocked on the door and she peakedked out.

Well, what what I did, I just broke in and got into my house and there said an old boy in my recliner. Big old boy. and he's watching my TV with my wife and my in my house and I'm making payments on all that.

What are you going to do? Well, I did. I jumped on that old boy and he like to beat me to death in my own living room floor.

Put me outside and told me not to ever come back. Oh, that made me mad after all I'd done to her. I mean, after all I'd done for her.

And she'd treat me like that. Well, I start thinking real good right here. I'll start really thinking good.

And I said to myself, >> Joe, you're going to drink, right? Yeah. Well, now you need to find a woman that does drink because these women that don't drink are mean and ugly.

They throw your stuff out in the yard and divorce you. So, I started looking around the bars high and low for me uh someone a woman that drinks. And I was sitting in the bar with the Zebra Lounge.

Beautiful place. >> >> And I was sitting at the bar kind of like, you know, my head over Phyllis walks in and I've been watching Phyllis for a long time around the bar. She'd get there early and after work and stay there till late and we'd all go out the club and I didn't really know Phyllis, but I remember this particular night we the bartender said, "Pillis, what are you drinking?" And she said, "I'll have some of what he's drinking." She was attracted to that.

Can you imagine that? Now, what happened was that I come out of that divorce and it was nasty and it hurt. It was terrible, resentful.

And I had a list of things this long that my next one was not going to be not going to do to me. And I didn't know it at the time, but Phyllis had a list of things that was this long that she wasn't going to let me do to her cuz she'd come out of a nasty divorce, too. And we get into our relationship, so to speak, and uh we're trying to enforce our list on each other.

No way to deal with those emotions. No way. And it has had to be bad.

But for some reason or other, I don't know why, but we got married. I know when we were first introduced, Phyllis looked at me and said, "Well, Joe, you look like my third husband." I said, "My God, how many have you had?" And she said, "Two." I like that. You know?

Well, we had nothing nothing but trouble. And we couldn't drink together. We couldn't go any place together.

We couldn't stay at home together. We couldn't go any do nothing together because of our list and our emotions that we had. So, we kind of made a deal.

We made a pact, so to speak, unwritten, unspoken. But Phyllis would go that way drinking and I would go that way drinking and we wouldn't bother each other. And that was our deal.

Well, I had a little mobile home up on the Grand Lake. I mean, uh, uh, Keystone and had a little moment that I didn't think she knew about. Well, one night in the middle of the night, there's a knock on the door and, uh, I peaked out.

What it was, she she just broke in is what she did. He embarrassed me in front of my girlfriend. Her daughter was with us.

And really, I mean, I was not having a good time. The next morning I got up, all my stuff laid out in the yard like it's supposed to be. She stole my car, had to call my boss to come out there and get me 25 miles out there, bring me to work.

Terrible time. And so that I said, "Well, the heck with her after all I've done to her, after all I've done for her, and her treat me like this." And I said, "I'm going to drink as often as I want to drink, as long as I want to drink, when I want to drink, day or night, and I don't give a damn. Who knows it?" And that's exactly what I did.

And I drank a bunch. And I used to buy whiskey by Canadian Club by the case. And I drank it, a lot of it.

Well, that that mobile home that I had out there got full of mice. Rats is what they were. Big one.

Not that long. Well, they did. And and I'd be laying there at nights and look up and one jump right out of the ceiling, right onto the bed.

And I just kick the fart out of him. And he'd go and then pretty soon another jump down. And this is true.

And I and I would go to the to the feed store and I bought them big old rat traps about that long and feed and poison to kill those rat. I never could get rid of them. I sold that place quick.

I bought it for $10,000 and sold it for five just to get rid of it. I couldn't stand it out there. Oh, by the way, when you see drunks, and I don't see them much anymore like this, but if they tell you they're seeing things, they're seeing things.

Believe me, they are. You may not see them, but they're seeing them, and they're scary. So, I moved back to Tulsa into a nice little one-bedroom apartment and uh got all my stuff squared away, and I began to drink and drink and drink and drink.

And a typical typical day of my drinking was like on Friday I would be after work I would start drinking and then drink most of the night till early in the morning and then Saturday morning I'd wake up come to and I'd be laying there on the couch and uh I had a nice bedroom back there but you know what I never go back there other than to walk through there to the bathroom. Didn't have any sheets on it. No, the the lamps didn't have any bulbs in it.

I was just too busy. I was too busy to get that stuff. And the truth of the matter is I was sleeping on the couch where the TV and the radio was and the lamp with a light bulb cuz there was noise there.

I was in bad company when I was by myself, by the way. And uh so I drank. And the Saturday morning I wake up and I'd have me three or four drinks, two or three cigarettes, and I'd go back to sleep.

And the evening after lunch, I'd have two or three cigarettes and four or five drinks and I'd go That's passing out, by the way. But I went back to sleep myself. And uh late that evening, I get up this s this particular Saturday evening, had me three or four drinks and uh four or five cigarettes.

And by now, I'm popping those white crosses like they're popcorn. And I took off drinking, going to my places that I drank. And it seemed like I couldn't stay anywhere very long.

And I was busy. And I ended up on a place called the Misty Dawn over in West Tulsa. Beautiful place.

Almost smell it now. Now, the Misty Dawn was a place where these there was some guys that I grew up with and we had some troubles ago and they were out to get me. They owned that bar and I knew they owned that bar.

A couple of weeks prior to this particular night, I was over there and some of my friends had to get their guns out and pull it on these people to get me out of there before these guys hurt me. This night, I'm back over there. Now, I don't know what kind of insanity that is, but that's some kind of insanity.

And I'd been drinking hard that day, really hard. And I was sitting on the bars till about midnight. And I had a real sick feeling in my stomach.

It was really sick. It wasn't a throwing up sick. It was just a sick sick feeling.

Felt like the whole inside was just going to drop out of me. A sick feeling. And I didn't know what I didn't know what that was, but I found out later.

And uh I got off that bar stool and I went out and laid down in my car for a little while and then I drove back to my place that I was staying. I got on the couch and I began to relive my life as I had done a thousand times. When Bill says his mind raised uncontrollably, I know what that means because that's what my mind did.

And I'd lay down there and I would relive my life, relive all those incidences that had happened to me. people would hurt me and and I would feel the pain again and then I'd have to have some more drinks and I'd relive this. I'd relived it over and over a thousand times I have relived those experiences.

And uh finally about early that Sunday morning, I did two things that Sunday morning that I hadn't done in many many many many years. Things I didn't do up until then. And one of them was that I wanted to get my life straightened out.

I always wanted to get my life straightened down. I wanted to get back with Phyllis and repair the damage that we'd done in our marriage. And to Gail, I really wanted to do that >> and I didn't know how not to do that.

I didn't know how I was going to do it. And I did something that uh I had done. I got on the side of that couch and I said, "God, if you'll help me to find a way to stay sober, I'll do what I can from this day forward for you." I made a deal.

And I'm not sure you can make a deal like that really, but I did. And uh after a couple hours, it began to look like that God wasn't going to help me. And I remember my friend George who had been in AA he told me three or four years prior to this.

And I called George. I said, "George, are you still a member of that ANA?" See, I didn't know what it was. And he said, "Yes, he was." And I said, "Would you help me?" See, I asked God for help and I asked another human being for help.

Two things that I don't do. And George came over to my house and he basically stayed with me for the next three days, wiping the sweat off of my brow and this slobber off my lips and whatever. Just taking care of me, talking to me and being with me.

And uh I'll never forget that as long as I live. You see, that's the best of Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't even know then that that was the best.

It is the best. I wish I could find me a drunk to work with like that. I need a drunk like that today.

I surely do. Uh so yeah, George stayed with me and then he took me my very first day a meeting November 3rd, 1973. And I haven't had a drink since that Sunday morning.

Thank God. Now this is something happened very very important happened to me. In my very first meeting, I sat down.

When I looked around the room at you folks, thought came to me, what's a nice guy like me doing in a place like this with people like you? Man, I don't even drink with people like this. And here I am trying to stay sober.

Something very important happened. Sunday morning, I was as humble and hopeless and powerless as I had ever been in my life. Asking for help.

I get my help. Come to AA on Tuesday night. that old ego of mine began to come back just three days not drinking and I said I don't need this I made a mistake thank God I got over that because I kept remembering CC that morning that Sunday morning on that floor asking God for help and that experience has helped me many many many times over these years I've been asked to do a lot of things in alcoholics and I didn't want to do hardly any of them but I kept remembering that Sunday morning >> God if you'll will help me find a way to stay sober.

I'll do what I can from this day forward. And I think that the secret word in Alcoholics Anonymous is yes. Yes.

You know, I I was a come into Alcoholics Anonymous. I was hopeless, helpless, worthless, drunk, and I felt terrible. And after a while, they asked me to be a alternate GSR.

A year later, I was a GSR. See, I was an SOB when I got here. And a year later, I said, "Yes, are man.

I'm doing great." But I started going to meetings and going to meetings and I'll never forget the But George had been with me. And on Wednesday night, I said, "Where is the meeting?" See, I'm I'm going to go to the meeting. He told me where it was and I lived about a mile and a half from there.

I said, "Well, I'll make it." He said, "I've got to work. I've been, you know," he had. So I started for the meeting mile I've been all overs all my life and uh couldn't get to 29th in Pori from 51st in Lewis.

Had to stop and call him three times to ask him where I was going. I didn't think it was anything wrong with that. After I got sober a while and looked back, I said, "Man, I had some brain damage." I did from drinking.

>> So I made it to the meeting and I remember I got that night. I felt so good to be there. I was dreading the meeting to be over because I had to go home and be with me and I didn't like that.

Sometimes I'd get out of meetings and go to the bar. That was the only place I knew was comfortable. It was better than that couch I'd been laying on.

And that was some of the things I did early in my sobriety. And after a while, you know, my ego gets back up and George says to me, "Joe, you're having a real trouble with this God out there, aren't you?" And I said, "I'm having a hard time. Very hard time." And he said, 'Well, why don't you do what this book suggests?

He said, ' Won't you just lay aside all that stuff that you think you knew and you brought in here? And he said, why don't you do what he did? He said, go home tonight and take you out a pencil and a piece of paper and write down what you would like God to be, forgetting that you can't make God, but what would if you could, what would you want it to be?

And I went home and I wrote down some things that I wanted God to be. And I showed him to George and he said, "That's good. You can start right there." See, I didn't know you could do that in my area.

You go to hell for doing that. You see, but he gave me permission and I needed that permission to do that. And that kind of got me over that idea.

So, I began to play and begin to build upon that idea. And by by this time now, I I went to a little conference. Phyllis and I had been kind of seeing each other and uh we went to Shreport in November.

I got over the third this just before Thanksgiving and George and bunch of us took us down to Shreport and there was a lady talking there. Her name was Mariam. Mary and M and she talked that night and I looked over at Phyllis and Phyllis was crying.

I mean real tears and I've been trying to make Phyllis cry for a long time and she was crying. She was identifying with that ladies what she was doing. And I knew Phyllis was now.

If I was, I knew damn well she was. And later on she was to get sober. But she identified with that lady.

And I knew that something was here. Didn't know what it was, but I knew something was here that would make her identify with that lady. A little bit later, I went to a conference down in Apache, Oklahoma, and I met a lady there.

Another guy, Franklin Williams, was to become my sponsor. Uh George has always been my spiritual sponsor. Even today, we're still that close, but uh Franklin become my sponsor later on.

And I met a lady there, her name was Alabama Kurthers. And I loved Alabama, man. Everybody loves Alabama.

She was just full of life and she couldn't wait to see what was going to happen next. She was excited about AA and excited about life. And she was just just a wonderful lady.

I liked her and I couldn't imagine what she'd been like at 25. that she was 60 some odd then, but she was full of it. Anyhow, she said a couple things that night that really struck me.

She said she had a soul sickness and boy could I identify with that. That's what I was feeling when I was sitting on that bar. It was a soul sickness.

Sick way down within my soul. And I understood that what she meant by that. And she said another thing.

She said, "I have peace of mind tonight." And I said, "My God, I was that's all I've ever wanted was peace of mind. Ever since I was a young child and all that crap that I went through, I've never had any peace of mind. That's all I've ever wanted was peace of mind." And after the meeting that night, we were sitting at a hotel.

George was laying over in her lap asleep about 3:00 in the morning. And I said, "Alabama, you said you had a a soul sickness." She said, "Yes." And she explained that to me how that was how that worked. And I could identify with that.

We I began to open up to Alabama. And I said, "You said another thing tonight." She said, "You had peace of mind. How did you get peace of mind?" And she said, "Joel, tell me what's going on in your mind.

Tell me what you're thinking at night." And I began to talk to her about some of the things that had happened in my marriages and my life and the disappointment that I had and the anger that I had and stuff. And she said, 'Joe, you're just full of resentments.' And I said, 'Well, what is a resentment?' And she said, 'A resentment are old angers and old hurts that are felt and refelt over and over and over again. And all that anger you intend to use on those other people, you you putting it blaming it putting it on yourself, making yourself sick and blaming it on them.

Now, I like never got that understanding. She had to explain that to me many, many times. And I and I finally understood what she was saying.

She said, I said, "Is there any solution for that? What can I do? Cuz that's why I drink to shut off my mind." And I said, "Is there any solution for that?" She said, "Yes, sir.

This happens to be." Now, you'd have to know Alabama, but she had a purse that was about that big, about that tall, big one. And she began to fumble around inside that purse trying to find something. You know how they are.

Well, she finally come out there with this one of these big boats. like to never have found it. And she come out of that big book and she said, "Joe, on page 552 of this book is a story of a lady who had had lots of resentments and she found a particular prayer." She said, "If you'll do what she did, it'll probably help you.

It helped her. She said it would probably help me." So, she had me to turn over here to page 552 and I'll read it in the in interest of brevity. And here's the prayer.

He said, "In effect, if you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free.

Even when you don't really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you'll find you come to mean it and want it for them. And you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassion, understanding, and love.

H I went home after the meeting, got in bed that night, my old mind started racing, reliving that stuff again, and I said, I think I'll pray for those people. So, I began to pray for them. And as I began to pray, my list got longer.

I had more and more people on that list. The next morning, I get up and I started praying for those people. During the day, as I could remember, I would pray for those people.

Sometimes I'd be driving down the street in my car praying out loud. And I know people saw me praying. They wonder what I was doing or I guess.

But I continued to pray. I beed to continue to pray. And I don't know it was two weeks, 3 weeks or 10 days or what it was.

But I do know this that one morning, one of those beautiful spring mornings, I got stuck in this in a traffic light at 31st in Lewis there in Tulsa, a beautiful place, just the length of this traffic light. And I looked over at that beautiful house and the tulips were all in full broom, red and yellow. The grass was green and the birds were singing.

Those squirrels were jumping around. A beautiful spring morning. And I thought to myself, my god, it's beautiful this morning.

It is so pretty and the colors are so vivid. And I thought, well, how long has it been since I'd seen those things? Do you know what?

I could not remember. I could not remember. I don't know if I'd ever seen those things up until that moment.

When this book talks about being cut off in the sunlight of the spirit, I know what that means. I think up until then, I just looked and seen things in black and white. There was no color.

And that's the morning that I knew that this program would work for me. I knew that I knew that I knew because I had took some action and I had got some relief. It's a miracle really what happened.

God worked in my life that morning again. And from that day to this, my life hasn't been the same. I got got ready to do the the third step prayer.

I was ready to take these steps for the first time officially and I set about to do that. And I got ready to do the third step prayer. And there used to be some guys that come over to my house to visit from a little church not too far away and want to talk to me about being reborn.

Talk to me about being saved is what they want to talk to me about. And I'd run them off. I said, ' Man, do you guys have any idea this Monday night football?

Why are you going over? Get out of here. I'm drinking and having a good time.

That's what I did with folks like that. But this particular Sunday morning, I'm ready. And I went over to that church on Sunday morning.

And sure enough, they're they're asking people to do the third step prayer. That's all they're really asking us to do. And I went over that Sunday morning.

Got there about 2 or 3 minutes before 11. Well, I want to get there too early. I might hear something that would help me.

You see, and I got there about 2 or 3 minutes before 11 and they asked people to come down there and do the third step prayer. And I went down there as honestly and as sincerely as I know how to do anything. And I said to to God, I said, "God, I offer myself to you to build with me and to do with me as you will.

Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do your will. take away my difficulty that victory over them may bear witness to those that I would help of your power, your love, and your way of life. May I do your will always." And I was sincere and honest about that as I have ever been about anything." And I remember getting up from there and I walked outside and I was free.

I was totally free. When this book talks about when you hear people talking about free at last, I know what that means. It was like I was on the dark side of the street for all those years.

And after I did the third set prayer, it was on the sunny side of the street. I was in the sunlight at last. Prior to that, I I used to ask God for things, you know, paid 60 page 62 here said next we decided hereafter in this brahm of life, God was going to be our director.

I made a decision that morning was going to let God direct my life. It's as sincerely as honest as I knew how. Said he's the principal.

We're the agents. He's the father. We're the children.

He said, "Most good ideas are simple." And I like to never have gotten that idea. See, I was taught way back many years ago, you'd ask God for everything. God give me this and God give me that and God take this for me.

And I'd been asking God to get my wife back and get me a new car, a Cadillac, preferably. Get me some money. I was asking, use God like you would an errand boy.

>> You see, send him out and take care of stuff. Well, as I got sober and began to read in that other big big book, the story in there said he he worked for 6 days and then he rested. Now, to my knowledge, he'd never go back to work anymore.

It looks to me like going to be work being done around here. It's going to be me. That seems to be the way it is.

Cuz he's the principal, we're the agents, he's the father, we're the children, he's the boss, I work for him. He doesn't work for me. I worked for him.

You see, most good ideas are simple. And I like to have never gotten that one. Well, finally it did.

And on page 63, it said, "When we sincerely took such a position, that one, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new employer. Being all powerful, he provided what we needed if we kept close to him and performed his work well." See, I'm supposed to perform his work well.

established on such a footing, we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. I would always been the taker.

Give me this and give me that. Takers are losers. Not only in AA, but in life, takers are losers.

Those that give seem to be the ones that do well. Of course, I didn't know that. He said, "As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, we became conscious of his presence, we begin to lose our fear of today, tomorrow, and the hereafter." He said, "We were reborn." And I didn't understand what that reborn meant.

Those people used to talk to me about being reborn, and I didn't understand. And I read in that other book, this guy Nicodemus asked that guy, he said, "What do you mean by being reborn? Do you mean I got to go back into my mother's womb?" I can just see him shaking his head.

Said, "Man, didn't you go to the university? Aren't you smart? Don't you know you can't do that?

When I talk to you about being reborn, I'm talking about the renewing of your mind. Old ideas cast aside, new ones accepted. Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which the guiding force of my life.

That's why I needed to do an inventory. I needed to find out what the ideas, emotions, and attitudes that I had garnered throughout my many years of living wrongly, hurting people. I need to find out what was right and wrong about my thinking.

And that's why the inventory process and I I have to do my own inventory. Not all people think alike, you know. And I shared that with Franklin.

And I'll never forget I went over there and talked to Franklin about those things and he helped me see things about me that I couldn't see. It said a solitary self- appraisal insufficient. I did the very best I could do with the limit of knowledge that I had and I needed somebody who was objective who could look at me and see things that I couldn't see.

See, there's nothing between him and I except air. But between me and me was a lifetime of rationalization and justification. And I needed someone to help me see things that I couldn't see.

I've heard all my life, you know the truth, the truth has set you free. And if I'm not free, it's because I don't know the truth. And the truth comes from people who love us enough to tell us the truth.

They will risk their friendship by telling us the truth. And those are the people who really, really love you. And I found that out.

My wife tells me the truth all the time, even today. because she loves me. You see, so now I could see, see, I could see what I had become by this time.

By the inventory, I could see what I had become. And I did not like what I had become. I used to come into these meetings and I'd stand in the back of the room and I was ashamed and I would look down at my feet and I was ashamed of what I had become.

You see, and I felt like I was a no good rottness. So be and that's the way I felt inside. And I remember one time way back we were having one of those big book studies in our room and Charlie said it's not a it's not a lack of of it's not moral.

It's not immoral. It's not sin. It's not lack of character.

And I said, "Well, it's not any of those things. What in the hell is it?" And then we begin to look at the doctor's opinion. the illness of alcoholism, the illness of alcoh how alcohol had affected my brain and it of course if your brain is affected and it it doesn't do well then you don't do well out there either you see because you act out on what you've been thinking and I was restless irritable discontented and full of guilt shame and remorse and resentful and selfish and self-centered of course I didn't know that you see but the doctor's opinion helped me so helped me so much and this book by the way doctor's opinion is in the first part of the book extremely important information and I run around alcoholics and I was there every couple of years saying I was an alcoholic and I didn't know what an alcoholic was you see I think it's very very very important that we understand what our problem is and the doctor's opinion explains that and they explained it that for me and I'll never forget one day I was walking down the hallway and old Tony back there said hey Joe you want to go listen to these guys talk about the big book.

I said, "Well, yeah, I'll do that." Yes. You see the key word? Yes, I'll do that.

Went in there, my life changed. Just like that. Later on, I wish to watch Joe McQueeny do a little film called Alcoholism a disease of disgrace.

How am I going big question mark? How am I going to treat this thing? Is it disease or disgrace?

Which is it? And I chose to believe it was an illness, a disease. And I began looking at it that way.

It helped me to get over some of those ideas, emotions, and attitude and that guilt, shame, and remorse that I had, and I still had it. But now I'm ready to do step six. So, you can heal, you can't heal a sick mind with a sick mind.

You can't think your way out of this thing. The more I think about it, the deeper into it I get cuz over this condition, I must have a power greater than myself. And I had found that through the third step.

And I began to uncover some other emotions and began to get a better relationship with God because I had some experiences. And now I began to look at step six. I could see what I had become and I didn't like it.

And I began to wonder if God can really remove these defects of character. A little doubt be to creep into my mind. And I remembered a statement that I heard that God either is or he isn't.

God is everything or else he's nothing. What's it going to be? What's my choice going to be?

And I chose to believe that God is everything. I chose to believe that God could remove these defects of character. And I began to ask God to remove those defects of character.

And uh I still got a bunch of them. But I'm a whole lot better today than I used to be. I guarantee you on that.

Now, I don't know about you, but on whenever I was drinking, I had drank a lot of booze. I have had some horrendous hangovers, bad hangovers. But you know what?

Those hangovers never caused me to want to quit drinking. I have been so drunk and so sicked up that I have thrown up a little blood from time to time. Very sick in internal sore from drinking.

But you know what? That never caused me to want to quit drinking. What caused me to want to quit drinking primarily was the guilt, shame, and remorse that I had as a result of the treatment I had done other people.

Eight and nine. and we skip over those steps, you know, boom, boom. They're very important.

Six and seven is the mo probably the most important steps that we have. Eight and nine to me is right behind that because the guilt, shame, and remorse, I can't walk around with that any longer. I've got to deal with those situations.

And I begin to do with that, begin to deal with that. And I went over to see Phyllis one morning and knocked on the door and she peeked out and I kind I kind of didn't break my way in but I kind of forced my way in a little bit. She wasn't want she didn't want me in the house and I don't blame her.

And I got in and told her that I had was an alcoholic and I had joined alcoholics and I was trying to straighten up my life and I'd ask her to forgive me. And uh she tells in her story that I was her ebie. She said it was something about his eyes.

It was something different. You see? And we got that kind of straightened up a little bit.

and Gail was there and I took her off and talked to her and told her some things and a mumbling off of little words of apologies. I mean that's good but that's not good enough. You see, and I apologized to him and it was that was a beginning though.

And uh as time has gone by, those relationships have been repaired. Totally repaired. Gail today, bless her heart, today she was affected by our drinking today, she's a good mother, a very fine mother, and she loves us dearly.

She loves me. She told me that the only regret she ever had in her life was the fact that I she didn't ask me to give her away at her wedding. >> See, that's when I knew that was a long that was only about four or five years ago.

>> That's when I knew it was okay with us. You see, so it took a long time of staying sober and doing the right things to repair the damage done. So 8 and nine is extremely important.

and a few words of I'm sorry, it's not gonna get it. Time went by and uh Phyllis uh eventually continued to drink and her drinking was bugging the hell out of me and my staying sober was bugging the hell out of her. And uh we had a I'd bought her a little business to for Gail and her husband, but they didn't catch on to it.

And Phyllis went out there and worked for 14 months uh running that little business. And finally, I decided I'd sell it. And I was going to leave Phyllis.

Uh I had always left before, but I always went back. But now I'm going to leave. I'm going to stay gone.

Talked to George about it. I talked to Franklin about it. And he said that Joe, you don't know how to leave.

I said, ' Hell, I don't I know how to leave. He said, ' But you don't know how to stay gone. If you're going to stay gone, you got to find a different way.

And he said, tell me how you left before. I said, I always left and I want to take everything with me. I want all the money and the house and the car and I basically want Phillips to pack her little satchel and get out.

Leave me with the stuff. And he said, "That's true." He said, "What you got to do is you got to become willing to walk out and leave it all there or you can't stay gone." Now that'll give you brain damage. Well, so I started praying about that as he suggested.

Can't heal a sick mind with a sick mind. So I started praying about that. And one day, I don't know how long it was, but one day I woke up and it seemed like the thing to do.

It just seemed like, okay, I'll do that. And uh we sold that little business on a Tuesday and I Saturday morning I got a $25,000 cashier's check and I never threatened Phyllis with this or even told her about it. And uh Sunday morning I intended to get up and sign that check over to Phyllis and leave.

That was my plan. That night we went to our group at the old fellowship group and they hand out these little desire to say sober chips >> and Phyllis got up and got a desire to say sober chip that night. made me mad in hell.

Well, it did. I'm leaving in the morning. Now, how can you leave a woman that just got the desire to say sober yet?

Trapped again. Now, is that odd or is that God? Well, Phyllis God, she had a little problem a little bit later, but then she stayed sober.

Now, she's been sober 23 plus years, very active. We've we've dedicated our lives to Alcoholics Anonymous because I love what I get from Alcoholics Anonymous. Dan was talking about it.

You know, give it a couple hours a day and get 22 hours in addition. How can you outgive that? Just give up two hours and get 22.

Man, it can't be a deal like that. Can't ever pay it back. So, I just keep making payments on it, you see, and keep getting more.

And uh so fellow stayed sober and we've been actively involved in the alcoholic synonymous from for years. Uh I was a delegate from Oklahoma to general service conference. Sometime later couple three years four years later Phyllis was a delegate to the general service.

We've been actively involved and I call it synonymous. Today she managed our central office there in Tulsa. And so we've been involved.

We've sponsored lots of people and they've sponsored us and we've we've had a wonderful time in Alcott Anonymous and everything that we are today is a result of Alcott Anonymous. Guy asked me one time said, "Joe, what are you going to do now?" I said, "I'm going to keep on doing what I've been doing. I got what I have.

Why would I change? Why would I do something else?" So, it's it's working. And uh our little grandkids, you know, got three of them.

Phyllis and I were there. She was there at their birth and I was there shortly at the hospital. They've never seen us take a drink.

Not one time have they seen us take a drink. Alcoholism has been broken in our family. Thank God it's been broken.

They've put us back together as a family. And that just doesn't exist for us. Just doesn't exist.

I know there's a little story that I read in that other book and I'm going to close with this and uh this guy who was practicing these principles and carrying this message was walking around teaching these things and he was in a meeting one night and he said to them he said the things that I do he said you can do also and even greater and made a promise to us and two guys heard this and they went home after that meeting and they picked up their friend who was sick and they brought him back to the meeting the next night on a stretcher and brought him on a cot and brought him back in. They were going to take him before this guy. Well, they couldn't get in there cuz it's standing room only and I like to think they were alcoholics cuz they took him up on the roof and they chopped a hole in the roof and they laid him down in there.

And he looked at this guy and he looked up at them and he said, "Well, it's by your faith that this man is healed." the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. It was by the faith of those people in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. When I got here, I didn't have many, but it was by their faith that I was able to stick around so that I too could come to believe so that I too could work these steps so that I too could get these experiences so that I too could have a spiritual awakening.

And it was by their faith. The fellowship is extremely extremely important. I didn't have any faith, but I believed that you did.

And that's what the fellowship did for me. Later on, he was in a little town called Cernand, and he was carrying the message that night. And after the meeting was over with, they were standing around drinking.

They were drinking wine in those days. They all wine. And uh having a little smoke and they were talking and fellowshipping.

And somebody told him about a fellow they had locked up in a cave on the side of the hill. >> This guy said, "I want to go up and see him." They said, "Man, you don't want to go see him. This this guy is selfish and self-centered to the extreme, inconsiderate, fearful, resentful.

He's harmed a lot of people. We got him locked on up in a cave, chained to the wall, so he won't hurt himself or you or other people." He said, "Yeah, but I want to go up there and talk to him." Said, "What's his name?" He said his name was Legions, for he was many, many defects of character, you see. So he went up and talked to that guy for a little while and he cut loose the chains of resentment and anger, fear, turn him loose and let him be free just like he did for me.

And he wrote a little step for us right here. He said, Legion said, "Uh, can I go with you and do what you do?" He seen those other 12 going with him. He said, "Can I go with you and do what you do?" And he said, "No, legions." He said, "What I want you to do is stay here and tell people what happened to you." Thank you very much for having me here.

Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.

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