“The Insane Thought Won Out” AA Speaker – Kenny L.
AA speaker Kenny L. describes the moment an insane thought overtook him after three and a half years trying to stay sober—a turning point on relapse and the battle with obsession.
Kenny L. had nearly a full day of sobriety under his belt after three and a half years in the program, but standing at his apartment door with his sponsor’s assurance that he’d be fine, an obsessive thought took over. In this AA speaker tape, he recounts the exact moment the insane thought won out—a raw, unfiltered look at how quickly the disease can hijack the mind, even when someone is in meetings and trying to stay sober.
Kenny L., an AA speaker, describes standing at his apartment door after a day in recovery and experiencing an overwhelming obsessive thought to call people he knew outside the program. Despite consciously locking and unlocking his door multiple times, wrestling with whether to give in, the insane thought ultimately won and he relapsed after nearly achieving a full day sober. His story illustrates the cunning nature of the disease and how quickly obsession can override intention, even for someone actively working the program.
Episode Summary
Kenny L. cuts straight to a pivotal moment in his recovery—three and a half years into the program, barely holding onto sobriety, standing at his apartment door after a meeting. He’d just told his sponsor he’d be fine, that he’d get something to eat, go to sleep, and wake up with a full day of sobriety. By that point, a full day felt like a victory. Usually, something would happen during or after a meeting—a phone call made, a thought that derailed him—that would break his sobriety before he could string together even 48 hours.
But this night felt different. He made it home. He unlocked his apartment door. And then it happened.
An obsessive thought appeared: “You ought to call these guys and see what’s going on tonight.” Not a craving for a drink. Not a plan to use. Just a thought to pick up the phone and reconnect with people outside the program—people he knew from before.
What follows is Kenny’s brutal honesty about what happened next. He locked the door. Then he thought, no, that’s a bad idea, and unlocked it. Then another thought: they probably won’t even answer anyway, so what’s the harm in just calling? He locked the door again. He describes standing there, locking and unlocking, wrestling with himself for three, four, five minutes—a battle between the rational part of him that knew better and the insane thought that wouldn’t let go.
The insane thought won out.
He never walked into his apartment. He locked the door for the last time and turned around. Within hours, he was back out on another two or three day binge. All the work, the meetings, the sponsor check-in, the promise to himself—erased by a thought that grabbed hold and wouldn’t let go.
This is what Kenny L. is really talking about: not the glamorized rock-bottom story or the triumphant recovery narrative, but the terrifying moment in early sobriety when you realize the disease doesn’t need you to be weak or desperate or at a bar. It just needs you standing at a door for five minutes while an obsessive thought slowly convinces you that you’re fine, they’ll probably ignore the call anyway, and what’s the real harm?
It’s the moment that reveals what the AA speaker meetings mean when they talk about the insane thought—not depression or despair, but a thought so rational-sounding, so plausible, that you can’t quite catch it as the trap it is. And by the time you realize what’s happening, you’re already walking back toward the life you thought you’d left behind.
Notable Quotes
I’d usually make a phone call during the 8:00 meeting or something would happen. I’d been going to AA meetings and I’m trying to stay sober. I can’t get two days.
You ought to call these guys and see what’s going on tonight. And I’d think, no, that’s a bad idea. And then I’d think, well, they probably won’t answer the phone anyway.
I must have stood there 3, 4, 5 minutes and the insane thought won out and I locked the door, never walked in the apartment.
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Relapse & Coming Back
- Early Sobriety
- Obsession & Denial
People Also Search For
▶ Full AA Speaker Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated and may contain minor errors. For the best experience, listen to the audio above.
Let me skip kind of to the end. You know, we're kind of at the end here, three and a half years later and I'm going to AA meetings and I'm trying to stay sober. I can't get two days.
Um, I've got a a day and a half or I've got I've got a day of sobriety and I felt really good because I knew all I had to do was go home that night from the meeting and get something to eat. I'd go right to sleep and I'd have a a day of sobriety. It had been a while since I'd had a whole day of sobriety because I'd usually make a phone call during the 8:00 meeting or I'd, you know, something would happen.
Uh, and I got home, I told my new sponsor, I'd be fine. I was doing okay. I'll call him in the morning.
Goodbye. And I was I was just fine. And I I left his car and I walked 50 ft, made a right turn, walked down two doors to my apartment, put the key in the door and unlocked it.
And then this thought came over me, you know, you ought to call these guys and see what's going on tonight. And I'd say and I unlocked the I locked the door back up. And then I would think, no, that's a bad idea.
And I would unlock the door and I think, well, you know, they probably won't answer the phone anyway. Just go give them a call. And I locked the door and then I would unlock the door and I must have stood there 3, four, five minutes and the insane thought won out and I locked the door, never walked in the apartment and uh back out on another two or three day binge.