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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Uh, I try and do that.

I was uh I was going to open up with a joke. I'm not very good at jokes, so I looked all around for the perfect joke, and I found a joke about a guy in an AA meeting that couldn't tell a joke. Uh, problem was I kept messing it up.

So, I'm just going to pass on that. I have a dry sense of humor, but uh I've told my story quite a few times. I started off uh telling my story, I guess, like most people do, going into the drunk log of all the drinking and using and side dishes that I did.

And and then it took me three and a half years to get sober. So, for quite a while, what I would do is I would talk about all the things that I did wrong, you know, cuz there were quite a few of them. And I finally got this thing right.

Um, tonight I'm going to try something a little different. I'm going to try and talk about some of the great events that have come to pass for me since I've been trudging the road to happy destiny because uh, miracles have really taken place in my life. And if you're new here, I think you need to know that.

Um, I was born in Akran, Ohio of all places. Uh, might have seen me coming. Who knows?

My parents were divorced uh when I was about age five and uh eventually my mother got remarried to my stepfather who was an alcoholic and uh we moved around a lot because of his job and I'm going to try and cover chronologically a lot of this stuff pretty fast. Some of it affects my story. Um we moved around a lot in trailer parks because he would work on these AT&T towers and he'd work on one till they finished it and then they'd move a little bit.

So, uh, he would move us to a location maybe 80 mi up the road from the first tower they were working on. Within 6 months, we'd move. Now, I had a lot of resentment over that as I got older because every time I'd start to make friends, you know, it was time to move on.

I never had a girlfriend because by the time I got to know everybody, it was time to move on. I was always picked on uh because I was the new kid on the block. Plus, I was probably the youngest person in my class, which put me at a little disadvantage disadvantage there.

Uh, but really, I was pretty much a a a good kid. Uh, straight A student. Um, I got my relief at school.

Uh, that's where I got my kudos. You know, I would go to school and I could I, you know, it came easy for me. And when I came home and I was told to go to my room and study, there was nothing I would rather do than than get off in my room, shut the door, and and study.

Uh there was a lot of chaos in our house. Um eventually, uh we wound up settling down in Illinois. Uh my mother started working for a bookkeeping business.

Um, I got involved in judo and um became uh got third in the nationals within a couple of years and got on the wrestling team. Um, I think it was my freshman year of high school with a buddy of mine on the wrestling team. I I had my first drink of alcohol, my first real drink of alcohol.

And I decided to spend the night at his house. went over there and he had a six-ack of Schlitz malt liquor and a full pint of cherry slow jin and we started drinking a little out of each one and couldn't figure out which one to drink first. So, I got the bright idea we get a gallon jar and just mix it up and chugged it down in less than a half an hour uh and headed off to the high school.

And by the time we before we got to the high school, we'd run into some people. I'd gotten in a fight, which I believe I won. Uh I talked to some seniors, some senior girls, which I could never talk to girls before that, but I was talking to them.

And and uh I wasn't embarrassed. You know, all that feeling of being different, of not fitting in had gone away. And I I felt okay.

I mean, I even felt okay as I was throwing up on my shoes, you know. I woke up there the next morning uh butt naked because I had, you know, literally ruined all the clothes that I had on that. They were downstairs in the dryer and I, you know, they went down got my clothes and I got dressed and I went to school and I had the worst hangover that you could ever imagine.

Every step I took, my head just pounded. And I go to the water fountain because I was dehydrated. And I would take a drink and I could taste that cherry slow jin.

And it was just it was just awful. And I thought, I will never do this again. Never.

Not going to put myself through the worst I'd ever felt. And I can remember this odd feeling. I probably second break, I was walking down the hallway.

I'd just gotten another drink of water and I looked up from the water fountain and coming down the hall were a couple of guys on the wrestling team and as they approached I left the water fountain and I went to them and I said, "What are y'all doing this weekend? Are you going to be partying?" And I thought that was really strange that I could be feeling that bad and want to do it again. Uh from there I was off to the races and with two weeks within two weeks I was uh drinking to oblivion because that's how I drank.

I uh did not once I started drinking um I didn't quit. Um talk about the compulsion um the phenomenon of craving. I didn't know anything about that.

You know I didn't think I was an alcoholic when I got here. I didn't have a phenomenon of craving, you know. I just when I started drinking, I always was having too much fun to quit and I would overdo it.

And uh um I started seeing myself like my stepfather though who was a raging alcoholic because I was getting into fights and I was getting into all kinds of trouble and it's kind of hard to defend yourself when you're falling down drunk. And so I found some side dishes to do that. Uh basically uh I used drugs, a lot of drugs to control my alcoholism because once I put alcohol in my body, if I didn't have anything else in there, I was I was doomed to uh to oblivion.

Um I uh didn't want to be like my stepfather. So uh that was sort of the uh oncoming of the hippie days. I grew my hair down to here and I was uh doing psychedelics and hanging out with hippies and I wasn't like him.

He was an alcoholic. I was uh whatever I was, but I wasn't like him. Um I uh eventually uh dropped out of high school.

Uh within a year and a half, I guess I of of taking my first drink, I I dropped out of high school. Uh I was just totally out of there. um this um judo thing that I'd been involved in.

I had been given the opportunity to go to Japan um to study at the Kodakon and I passed that up and uh jokingly because uh I didn't know if I would like saki or not what I told everybody. The truth of the matter was I was out of control and I knew it and I knew I'd get over there and I would embarrass the people that had sent me there. Um, I wound up in the army and believe me, I've got a bunch of drunk stories about being in the army.

I think everybody's been in the service that ha has. Um, uh, among those one, I wound up having alcohol poisoning once when I went to Mexico. I chugged a bottle of quarter tequila after I was already drunk and put me in the hospital for a week.

uh was uh home awall one time from the service. Uh just extended my stay a little bit. I wasn't really going to not go back or anything like that and uh had uh had some uh some pills uh with me and got put in the St.

Louis jail and they never found the pills and I proceeded to overdose in the jail and wound up in the hospital. But I I never really thought I had that big a problem, you know. um got out of the army.

While I was in the army, I got my GED. Uh I did that right anyway. And uh when I got out, I uh started going to college.

I never felt like I fed fit in, you know, just didn't. And when I got out, some of the guys that I had hung around with had started a motorcycle club. So I joined a motorcycle club.

And it was not your AMA type sanctioned motorcycle club. It was more the outlaw Hell's Angel type club. and uh did that for uh a few years.

It worked out pretty well really because the more antisocial my behavior was, you know, the better I fit in. Um I really had two lives. I had my college life where I was studying and then uh all my classes ended by 3 or 4 in the afternoon and I would stay out till you know 2 or 3 4:00 in the morning.

The bars there pretty nice place for an alcoholic really. The bars there had had a rule that they had to close for an hour each night and you would always find bars in twos. One would close from 5 to 6:00 in the morning and you'd go next door until it opened back up and uh the other bar would close from 6:00 to 7 in the morning so you could drink around the clock.

Um and I did several times. All this time though, I've been uh wanting a family. you know, that was something that was really um I don't know where that came from, but I always wanted a family.

And I finally found the girl that I wanted, you know, and by hook or crook um you know, I wound up uh getting her pregnant, told her I would marry her if she got pregnant because I wanted to have a family. and uh she got pregnant and uh we got married and I was out partying one night and had a gun pointed in my face, somebody saying, "Should I shoot him? Should I shoot him?" And I wasn't really afraid at the time, but I went back home and I looked at that little baby girl and thought, you know, I really uh need to be around a little longer and I packed everything up and moved to Houston.

um got to Houston and put the family first. Uh we moved in with my parents and they gave me 30 days to find a job. Now I graduated from college with an accounting degree, not because I liked accounting.

Uh the last thing in the world I was ever going to do was become an accountant, but I was good with numbers. So I figured no matter what field I get in, they, you know, they all use accounting. But I had 30 days to find a job.

So I found a job at a little CPA firm and I went to work there and they say you're uh you do good at you like what you're good at or you're good at what you like. Um I wound up uh taken to it and got into public accounting and got my CPA. Wound up going back to school.

I had this uh delusion that I could rest happiness and satisfaction out of the world if I only managed well. You know, it talks about that in the book. And that was uh apparent in my life long before I got to AA.

I had this delusion. If I just managed well, I'd be happy and satisfied. If I found the right girl, and I had, everything would be fine.

And when I found her, everything was fine for just a little while. And then I realized something was missing. I needed children, you know.

So, we wound up having this baby girl and something was missing. You know, we needed to move to another location and we did that and everything was okay for a little while. Um, I needed to make more money and then everything would be okay.

So, I got my CPA degree. I figured, well, that's not quite enough. I need to go back to school and get a master's in accounting.

So, I went back to school. Once I get to the top of this hill, whichever one it's going to be next, you know, I'll be happy and satisfied. And I would get to the top of that hill, everything would be fine for a week or two, and I'd look around and I said, "Damn it, I climbed the wrong hill again.

There it is over there. You know, I need a son." So, you know, and the list goes on and on. If we just had a house, everything would be fine.

And over the period of uh a few years, probably seven or eight years, um you know, we wound up with the house, the things on the wall that said, you know, I was okay. Uh the wife, the kids, the Rottweiler, still had the motorcycle. In fact, I had two of them.

Uh and I wasn't okay. And the marriage started falling apart. Now, part of this, too, has to do with me being uncomfortable in my skin.

you know, if I just stayed busy enough, I'll be okay, you know, and that was a lot of what I did. You know, I would work all day, I would go to school, I would come home, and I didn't have time to deal with all these other issues, you know, that were going on with the family, and I didn't have to be bothered with life. You know, they talked in AA when I first got here about being a are you a human being or are you a human doing?

You know, and I was a human doing. I was the epitome of that. You know, I just kept doing more and doing more and doing more and thinking when I get to the top of this hill, everything will be fine.

Uh well, the marriage started to fall apart and I tried to hold it together. I held it together for about two or three years. Started bringing uh alcohol and drugs into the house.

Up until this time, I had pretty much been on a marijuana maintenance program and it had actually uh my alcoholism was pretty much at bay. The only thing I can give credit for that for looking back. How that happened, I don't know.

But what I believe is it was the first time in my life I had put other people's welfare ahead of my own. You know, and that seems to be what's working today too. that same sort of thing.

Maybe a little bit different, but I actually put other people's welfare ahead of my own there for a number of years. Um, I tried several times to get sober on my own. I couldn't.

Uh, I wanted to save everything. You know, by this time I was totally out of control. I was losing the family.

I mean, I'm going back to a four-bedroom house. They're all gone. There's stuff piled up in the driveway.

The house is empty. Uh, the Rottweiler's chained to electric meter. It's four months, 3, four months overdue.

And they finally gotten past the dog to cut off the power. I figure, well, maybe it's time for me to go to treatment, you know, and maybe I can hold on to everything if I put on a show, you know, and go check in somewhere. And part of me really did want to get sober.

And I checked into a place called Spring Shadows Glenn and uh was there for 30 days and and they cured my alcoholism. Um all except for the drinking and drugging part. Uh you know that went on for another three and a half years.

Uh but it it it was a good thing because they exposed me to AA. I went to my first AA meeting and I looked around the room and I said, "How can all these dumb people help me?" You know, none of them are as smart as me. None of them have been through what I've done.

None of, you know, I just couldn't relate to any of them. How can these dumb people help me? And they asked if there was anyone new in the room.

And I raised my hand. They said, they told me I was the most important person in the room. And I immediately knew they were a lot smarter than I'd given them credit for, you know, so maybe there was hope, you know.

Was interesting. The first meeting I went to was on being terminally unique. And they went around the room.

Everybody was talking about how when they got to AA, they thought they were different than everybody else. And they asked me, you know, this getting close to the end of the meeting, it came around to me. They asked me if I wanted to share.

And I told them I couldn't really relate to a topic, that I didn't think I was terminally unique, that I was much different than any of them. And their mouths dropped open. And there, you know, and I realized that I'd I'd been caught.

I'd been had at this point. I usually tell uh about three and a half years of what I did wrong in AA. I approached AA like I'd done anything else.

If I just work hard enough, if I apply myself enough, I can do it. If you did it, I can do it by God, you know. And I wrote inventories, I made amends, I did everything the book said.

Uh, not initially, but well, pretty much. I I almost got thrown out of treatment for doing a fourth step because they said I wasn't ready to do that. And I said, "No, you know, I'm going to I'm going to take this thing by the horns and I'm going to do it." Um, self-reliance though, you know, won't get you too far in AA.

You know, self-determination won't get you too far in AA. I mean, it says in the book that, you know, the problem is self. And here I'm relying on the problem, you know, to fix the problem.

And apparently I didn't have much luck doing that, but I kept trying. Um, you know, it took me a while to come around to this God thing. took me probably a year before I'd get on my knees and pray and ask God to help the almighty me get sober, you know, and that didn't seem to work very well either.

Uh, but I'd get a new sponsor. I'd come back in and I'd get a new plan, you know, every time I would learn from my mistakes and I would come up with a new plan. This time I'm not going to lie.

This time I'm going to go to a meeting every day. This time I'm going to go right through the steps immediately. Anybody here got a plan?

Anybody here got a new plan? Well, they told me my new plan probably wouldn't work any better than any of my other plans had worked. And then I need to follow directions and let someone else do the planning.

Um, I kept trying it my way though. I thought I would figure this thing out. If you could do it, I could do it.

And I saw people that couldn't do half the things I do getting this thing. How were they getting this thing when I couldn't? I mean, I couldn't go two days without going on a B, three days without going on a binge when I got to AA.

And three and a half years later, I couldn't go two days. Um, my plan kind of degenerated as as things went on. Uh, during this period, I did go through a divorce.

So, I lost everything. Um, in the divorce, I got custody of my son somehow. I don't know how that happened, but I eventually wound up having to give him back to his mother because I didn't stay sober.

Um, let me skip kind of to the end. You know, we're kind of at the end here, three and a half years later, and I'm going to AA meetings, and I'm trying to stay sober. I can't get two days.

Um, I've got a a day and a half or I've got I've got a day of sobriety. And I felt really good because I knew all I had to do was go home that night from the meeting and get something to eat. I'd go right to sleep and I'd have a a day of sobriety.

It had been a while since I'd had a whole day of sobriety because I'd usually make a phone call during the 8:00 meeting or I'd you know, something would happen. Uh, and I got home, I told my new sponsor, I'd be fine. I was doing okay.

I'll call him in the morning. Goodbye. And I was I was just fine.

And I I left his car and I walked 50 ft, made a right turn, walked down two doors to my apartment, put the key in the door, and unlocked it. And then this thought came over me. You know, you ought to call these guys and see what's going on tonight.

And I'd say and I'd unlock the I lock the door back up. And then I would think, "No, that's a bad idea." And I would unlock the door. And I think, "Well, you know, they probably won't answer the phone anyway.

Just go give them a call." And I locked the door. And then I would unlock the door. And I must have stood there 3, four, 5 minutes.

And the insane thought won out. And I locked the door. Never walked in the apartment.

and uh back out on another 2 or three day binge. Um I had my binges down pretty good where I would I would have clothes I couldn't fit in that would fit me just fine, you know, after the second day. They were on this side of the dresser.

Uh you know, and the other clothes were on the right side. And you talk about uh the insanity of alcohol. Um I'm sitting there uh 2 in the morning, still have money in my pocket and nowhere to go.

No one's answering their phone, you know. Um, and so I decide, well, I'll turn on the TV. Turn on the TV.

And what's on at 2 in the morning? There's this show back then called Cops. I guess it's still on.

So I'm watching >> and there's this little fiesta store where there's this illegal activity going on where people are driving up, people are running out, and there's money exchanging hands, and you know, the cops come in and they bust them. And I look at that and I say, you know, I know where I might find something going on. I'm thinking, this is an insane thought, you know, but it won out.

And uh I get on my Harley and I wind up driving over to that side of town. That's uh um the choices I was was making were not being made by me. You know, I never put a drink in my body except when I decided to do it.

But if I tried to not decide to do it, I would always change my mind. I had no choice but to change my mind. I'd lost I had no defense against the first drink.

Absolutely no defense. And I would go back into AA meetings and I would hear people say, "Well, just don't drink no matter what." And the hair on the back of my neck would stand up. And I'm thankful I never hit any of those guys because I came close to it a couple of times.

It was like, God, if I could do that, I would not be here listening to you. Uh, but anyway, um, I used to be real anti don't drink no matter what type stuff. I used to be real, uh, kind of a big book thumper.

I guess if it wasn't in the big book, you know, just keep it to yourself type of thing. And um there are a lot of good suggestions that people have provided in meetings uh that aren't in the big book. And I've tried to take a softer, easier approach to it now where I look at that as uh extra credit.

You know, kind of like when you went to school, you know, you'd have the course material and then they'd give you a couple extra questions, couple extra things for extra credit. If you got the extra credit right, it would make your grade a little better. But if you didn't know the core material, you were going to fail the course.

Didn't matter how much extra credit you did. So, that's kind of how I look at it today. There's a lot of good extra credit floating around these rooms, but if you want a passing grade, you better you better study the basic text and you better know the basic material.

Um, some people that really knew this book got a hold of me and told me that uh if I kept trying to stay sober, I was going to die and that uh I needed to admit that I was powerless over alcohol and that I couldn't stay sober. They told me if I took the energy I was spending trying to stay sober and directed it towards what the big book tells me to do which is to become spiritual that I could become a spiritual person. And to become a per spiritual person I would have to undergo some kind of personality change because the person I was was not it was anything but what you would call a spiritual person.

And if I became and I said, 'Wh would I want to become a spiritual person? They said because spiritual people don't have to drink. You see, I had a hard time with the spiritual part of this program for a long time.

And it was pointed out to me that there ain't no other part to it. Um, and I kept uh I kept thinking, well, why would I need this? Why do I need this?

You know, D and someone once told me said, well, Kenny, maybe you don't need this, but I got a question for you. We'll find out maybe if you do. And that question was, uh, Kenny, do you have a soul?

You know, is there a part of you besides this computer out there that you've put in charge of your life that's screwing it all up? Is there part of is there something to you? Do you have a soul?

You know, is there something inside of you that when this brain is making crazy decisions, that part of you that says that's a crazy thought? You know, do you have a conscience? You know, we talk in this program about having conscious contact with God.

And I think growing up that was that was what my parents called my conscience. They said, "Let your conscience be your guide." I think there's part of me that innately knows what's right and what's wrong, what's good and what's bad. And that's my connection with God.

page 55, it says that that that's where you find God is deep down inside each and every one of us. Um, and so I decided that yes, I had a soul. And then it was pointed out, well, you've got a mind, you've got a body, you've got a soul.

If you've got a mind, everybody knows that you can be mentally ill, you know, and if you're mentally ill, you're not going to make good decisions. When you're physically ill, it affects your thinking also. So, if your mind and body can either be healthy or sick, and if you know, if you've got a soul, couldn't it be healthy or sick?

And um you know, what kind of condition would your body be in, Kenny? If you'd been sitting on the couch eating all the wrong things for the last 20 years, said pretty bad shape. What kind of condition do you think your soul's in?

Um the book says when the spiritual malady is overcome we straighten out mentally and physically. Doesn't say that I need to work on my mental abilities. Doesn't say I need to work on my physical abilities.

Says when the spiritual malady is overcome I straighten out mentally and physically. And I finally got willing to to listen. Um, and I started trying to do things differently.

I had a a problem believing in God. Um, I would try and make myself believe in God and the most I got was a make believe God, you know? I mean, I just could not seem to make myself do it.

And that morning after the the cops incident, I was sitting uh in the room waiting for the liquor store to open at 9:00 because I couldn't think of anything else to do. And I got my big book out and I set it on the bed and I got on my knees and I started praying. And I I said, you know, this praying business just doesn't work.

Uh I've been trying this for, you know, a couple of years at that point and I couldn't think of anything else to do. So uh said, "Well, what else can I could do?" And and the thought came since I was on my knees, the only other thing I knew to do on my knees was to beg. And that's what I did.

I begged to a god that I didn't even believe was there. Um, and I didn't know why my prayers weren't working. And this line in the big book came back.

It said, "We're careful never to pray for our own selfish ends. We've wasted a lot of time doing that and it doesn't work." And I started thinking about all my prayers up to that point where God help me stay sober because I'll never get what I want if I don't quit drinking and drugging. God, help me stay sober cuz I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

And I'd waste a lot of wasted a lot of time with those prayers because they were selfish prayers. You know, it wasn't about anybody else. It was about me wanting to be sober so I could get what I want so I wouldn't lose what little I had left.

And I realized why maybe why my prayers had not worked. Uh at that point I pretty much admitted I was powerless over alcohol and drugs. Didn't matter how many inventories I wrote.

Didn't how matter how many amends I did. And uh I got up and I left out of that place to walk across the street because it was time for the liquor store to open. And uh I went across the street and I had a burning bush experience.

um just happened for me. I I don't know exactly. Well, let me just share what happened.

I went over and I picked up the phone and and before I made the phone call, I looked up in the sky and I did not want to be the pitiful piece of that I become. You know, I was going to be nothing but a burden on everybody. I could not stop drinking.

I could not stop using. Um, and I looked up in the sky and I said, "If you're up there, you're going to have to do this for me. I can't do it.

Take my life and make me of some use to somebody somewhere." I just wanted I think always since I was a little kid, I wanted to be useful. You know, I wanted to leave a mark in this world when I left. And uh at that point in time, I'm kind of staring off towards uh the apartments.

And you know how when the clouds kind of part and the beam of light comes down? I mean, that's what happened. This beam of light, I swear to God, hit out in the middle of the road.

And as the clouds continue to part, that beam of light came right up to me and I got covered in goosebumps from my head to my toe. And I don't know how long I was immersed in that light. Uh, and I get goosebumps every time I share about this.

Um, but when uh when it was over, whatever it was, and something was there with me, I knew something was there with me. And when it was over, I felt like I weighed 30 or 40 lbs lighter than I'd felt like I was walking on air. And I called uh the the sponsor up who dropped me off a few days earlier.

and he came by and picked me up and uh said he was going to take me somewhere and I said fine, let's go. Uh cuz I didn't know where to go at that point. He picked me up and we started driving around and he said, "You know, we just had this hurricane come through here.

I need to go move some furniture." And I said, "Okay." So, we went and moved some furniture, got that taken care of. Let's go get some lunch. I said, "Fine." We went to get some lunch.

And as we were eating lunch, he looked at me and says, "Kenny," he says, "don't you want to know where I'm taking you?" Because before that, anytime I, you know, any time someone was going to take me somewhere, I wanted to know, you know, was I going to have to quit smoking? What were the rules? Was there a curfew?

Could I have visitors? How qualified were these people? You know, I mean, I had a whole laundry list of criteria for any place I was going to check into.

And I remember looking at him and saying, "No, I'm not running the show anymore." And he took me to a a halfway house and I checked in and he wanted to pay for uh 10 days cuz I got there like on a Wednesday. And I said, "No, don't pay past Friday cuz I haven't been able to stay sober over two days that I can remember, you know." So he paid me up through Friday cuz I insisted he not waste his money and pay for, you know, the next week, too. And uh I checked in there and uh for the first time instead of trying to get me sober, which I've been trying to do for three and a half years, I told myself when I checked in there, I would try and help the next person that came in behind me.

And that's what I did. Um and it's amazing uh that uh someone there was talking about the promises the day I checked in. And I told him, I said, "Look, you can take those promises and put them where the sun doesn't shine." You know, I said, "The only promise I want is to not have to drink or drug anymore." Now, three, four, five, six days went by and I'm trying to help these guys that came in behind me and no thought of drinking, no thought of using was just amazing.

And the the subject of the promises came up again and they said, "Oh, don't talk about that around Kenny, you know, and you know, because and I said, "Wait, let's take a look at that." And uh we looked at the promises and every one of them had come true. When you get to the point where the only thing in the world you want is to not have to drink or drug again and uh the obsession goes away. uh you've got everything in the world that you wanted, you know, and uh all those years when I was looking for happiness on top of this hill, on top of that hill, I had finally found what I was looking for.

I'd found peace. The house was gone. The family was gone.

The job was gone. Um the money in the bank that was my security was all gone. and I'm $50,000 in debt.

I've been riding Metro bus for 2 years. Um, living in a halfway house with my front tooth broke out and I've found what I wanted, peace. I was okay.

Everything was okay just the way it was. Um, I am so thankful that I lost everything because getting this thing and having lost everything made me realize I don't need any of it, you know, and I'd never known that if I hadn't gotten this thing when nothing was left. The number of things that have come back in in years since have just been amazing.

I mean, I used to kid people about uh when I first came around AA, they told me that uh if you still owned a watch, you probably weren't ready to get sober, you know. And uh I proved them wrong. When I got sober, I still owned a watch and had the pawn ticket to prove it.

That's kind of where I was. I don't know now whether to go through the steps. I mean, there there's there's certain experiences that that have happened with me through the steps that have made a great impact on my sobriety.

Um, step three, I called my sponsor after we did step three, one of my sponsors, and I called him the next morning and said, "I can't seem to figure out what God wants to do, what what he wants me to do. I've been praying this morning." And he said, "Well, why would you be asking that?" I said, "Well, because I did step three." And so, what are you doing? I said, 'I'm praying for God's will for me and for him to give me the power to carry that out.

And he says,"Kenny, you're an accountant. You're halfway through law school. What comes after three?" You see, I would stick 11 right after three.

You know, praying for knowledge of God's will and the power to carry it out is step 11. And so often in these rooms do people do step three, make a decision, and next thing you know they're they're trying to do God's will. Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, but I think after doing step three, God's will for me is to do step four.

You know, I've done a bunch of inventories when I I've I've taken a lot of people through the steps and there are a lot of people that come to AA and they're they're liars, they're thieves, you know, they've stolen When I got to AA, I wasn't, you know, so I have a hard time relating that. Uh, when I got here, I I wasn't a liar. I mean, sometimes things just weren't your business, so I made up and told you that, you know, but I wasn't a liar.

And I took a lot of things that didn't belong to me, like cars and motorcycles, but I wasn't a thief. A thief is someone who gets caught and they're convicted, you know, and it's on their record. It was about my third or fourth fourth step where I became a liar and a thief.

Um, and I'm still a liar today and I hope I stay a liar. I've gotten honest two or three times in sobriety and it's a scary place for me to be. It really is.

Um, some people may be able to handle being honest, but if I I can't. I can't. You know, they they told me uh you hear in AA all the time that uh if you ever forget you're an alcoholic, you'll probably drink again.

If I ever forget I'm a liar, I'll start believing all the stuff that comes out of my mouth. It's happened several times. You know, I'm much safer staying a liar because I check the things that come out of my mouth.

Is that true? Does that um fist up? Uh, I got to the point where uh, you could put my fistep in the Houston Chronicle if that's what it took for me to stay sober.

Uh, I had things I didn't tell the first time, didn't tell the second time. Most of those things I've shared in open meetings since then. Probably the most amazing step in the in the whole 12 is step seven.

Um, they talk about uh, step seven doesn't work. Well, God will do it when he's ready. LA.

That's not my experience. But but I I've learned to to look at this book and and and kind of pick it apart and see exactly what it says. Says that uh um I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character that stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows.

Most of the defects of character that you hear people in AA, including myself, talk about wanting to have removed are the ones that stand in the way of our being popular. you know, stand in the way of me being successful, you know, but I have found that God will almost immediately remove the defects of character that stand in the way of my being useful to him. My first experience with with this was I rode the bus for my first year of sobriety because I was of I had this problem, parking problem.

you know, I'd be going 70 miles an hour and I'd park in the back of someone else's car. I didn't know if I was going to stay sober or not. So, I told myself I'd wait a year.

And I uh got sobered up in a little apartment. And I was catching Metro bus from that apartment back over to the halfway house where I got sober because part of the deal I made with God was if he kept me sober, I would go back over there and share with those folks. And there were days I'd come home from work and I wouldn't want to go.

You know, I don't know if it was my laziness. I don't know if it was my selfishness, what it was, you know, I just or if I was just too tired to go. I don't know.

I wouldn't want to go. But if I would get on my knees and ask God to remove whatever was standing in my in the way of my going to the Wednesday night or the Monday night meeting that night, it would be amazing. I would stand up and all of a sudden I would have this energy.

I'd want to do something. I wouldn't want to watch TV and I'd say, "Well, I might as well go." And that happened on a consistent basis. Because whatever it was, that defect of character that was keeping me there was was actually standing in the way of my being useful to God.

I had of a problem with uh talking in front of people. I had all my life. I almost didn't make it through college because you're required to take a speech course and I dropped the course two, three, four times and uh found a school that gave it uh during a summer session during a half week half summer session.

So it was a four-week session. So I only had to talk once and I almost dropped the course before I had to get up and talk. In law school, I took courses where I had to get up and talk and before I would actually get up and talk, I would drop the course.

And I'd ask God to remove that defect of character so that I could make more money and get up and talk, you know, in front of groups of people. And you know what happened? Nothing.

Not a damn thing. Now at almost a year sobriety, I mean right coming up on a year of this halfway house where I had been involved with. They said, you know, u you're coming up on a year.

We'd like for you to come down and tell your story. And I said, "Wow, let me let me think about this." And I asked God to remove that fear of getting up and talk in front of people so that I could come down and share with the guys in the halfway house what God had done for me that I couldn't do for myself. And I got up there and I I mean there was fear right up to the moment when I got up there and got behind the microphone because my God when he he removes the fear when I'm actually trying to do his will.

He He removes the character defill defect when I'm actually in the process. It's not like God, if you take care of this today, I'll do that for you next week. That just doesn't seem to work.

But I asked God to remove it and I told him I would do it and I got up and I talked for the whole hour and absolutely no stage fright, no fear whatsoever. I've since gotten up and talked in front of rooms with 4 or 500 CPAs and attorneys inside of it because when the defect of character was removed, it was removed. But it was removed because it was standing the in the way of my usefulness to him.

Now, I'm an alcoholic. If I find something that works, I find a way to use it, you know, uh because that's just the nature of how I am. And um my relationships with women were severely lacking.

primarily because, you know, while they're talking, I'm thinking about what I have to say and I'm not a very uh good listener. I'm a terrible listener by nature. Um I'm very selfish, self-centered.

I'm not empathetic. I don't want to hear what you have to say really, you know, unless you're asking unless you're talking about me, you know, then it's okay. So I asked God to remove those defects of character so that I could have better relations with women.

And you know what happened? Not a darn thing. Not a darn thing.

But this experience with uh step seven and when it was successful gave me an idea. And what I did was every time I started working with the new guy or someone that I sponsored, I would go off by myself and ask God to make me a better listener, make me more compassionate, make me more understanding when I sat down with that new guy. And I started to change almost immediately.

And when I became a better listener, I became more compassionate, I became more empathetic, you know, my my work as a sponsor got better and my relations with women got better. My relations with everyone got better because those defects started going away. Uh, step eight, step nine, I made a bunch of amends.

made amends to my sisters by uh trying to correct the harm that I had done. I started giving them compliments every time I saw them because for years I kind of would chip away a little at them. Uh I have one amends though that I didn't want to make and that was towards my stepfather.

Um at about two years sober, I heard someone share where they had a similar situation. They went up to Michigan. Their father was on his deathbed and they spent two weeks with him and made amends and came away a free person and you know just changed their whole life.

And when I heard that, I made a a vow that if my stepfather would be good enough to get on his deathbed, I would go make amends to him. Well, at four years sobriety, he winds up coming to Houston, you know, cuz my halfsisters moved in next to me. And anyway, long story short, I asked God what I ever did to have to make amends to him for, and some things came back that I had just totally forgotten.

I think every time those memories started to come back, my mind would would flip a switch and it would go, "Well, that's sorry, SO." And he took up space in my head for a long time. and I went to him and I made amends for the things that I remembered and the other things that I probably did that I didn't remember and he's not taking up space in my head ever since. Seems like uh when we hang on to resentments, there's always a payoff.

It justifies our behavior. And when we clean up our behavior, then we're able to let go of them being such a bad person. Um how much time do we have left?

Not much. I just went to a eulogy for a friend of mine that uh uh that's how I opened it up with how much time do we have left? It's uh he was one of these guys that uh would talk about just don't drink no matter what, you know.

Uh he was one of the guys that probably helped me the most get sober because I quit listening to what he had to say and I started watching what he was doing. Uh, this man would drive 30 miles across town in Houston traffic on Friday nights to lead a meeting in a men's halfway house. And I said, "Maybe if I do what Jim's doing, I'll get what Jim's got." I mean, how many times have I gotten a sponsor and I've really listened to what they told me to do and I tried to do it and it didn't work, but I wasn't doing what they were doing.

They were taking time out of their day to come help me. And that's what I realized that all the people in the world that had been trying to help me, even though one would say turn left, one would say turn right, one would say hold on, one would say let go, you know, and it was just confusing. And I finally got it.

The one thing they all had in common is that they were willing to take time to try to help me. And if I took time and tried to help another alcoholic, maybe then I would stay sober. See, this program seems to be about one alcoholic helping another.

And you can either be the helper or the help. You know, I was the help for three and a half years, and I'll tell you, it's a whole lot better being the helper, you know. And so, those of you who are in here uh uh looking for help, uh you might try giving some to the guy that comes in behind you and see what that does for you.

It's pretty amazing. Um, I made the mistake early on in the meeting of of uh making a remark about how boring sobriety was in a meeting. And I had an oldtimer come up to me afterwards and said, "Kenny, the problem is not that sobriety is boring.

The problem is that you're boring." and uh having fun in sobriety uh has been an important part of my program. Uh I started going to the Blue Bonnet AA retreats that were out in getting Giddings, Texas. Probably made 15 out of 16 of them.

I found some guys that were having fun in sobriety and learned how to scuba scuba dive. Since then, I've probably done a hundred dives in Kosamlau. Uh couple of months ago, I went on a trip to Greece and the Greek islands.

And this is a guy who had nothing when he got here. And I've seen miracles like this happen over and over and over. And I've got a list on the back of one of these pages of all the fun things that I've done.

And it's just too long to uh get into. But I'm going to I I'm going to tell one story um about how I got in the position to uh retire at age 55 and open a halfway house in Houston, which is what I I've done. I I always had one or two guys living with me when I was not in a relationship where somebody was living there, but I've always had one or two guys living with me.

And I was working at this halfway house or volunteering. I chaired a speaker meeting for 12 years and it was kind of a low bottom place and I kept telling God, you know, if I had the opportunity, I would um I would do things a little different. If I had the resources and the opportunity, be careful what you tell God.

It just might happen. Well, uh, Jim, uh, who was also an attorney and CPA, was involved with this, uh, group of CPAs helping other CPAs, and they were trying to get funding for this organization to take it to the next level. And what they wanted was for the state convention of CPAs was for someone to get up and tell their story and not really pull any punches.

And I'm thinking, you know, this would be a real stupid thing for anyone to do because you got all the big wigs, all the hot CPAs from all over Texas there. But I prayed about it and it was the right thing to do. So, I put my name in the hat and they asked me to do it.

So, I flew out to Colorado Springs for the convention and got up and told it all. Um, I can remember being at the podium saying, "God, I hope you know what we're doing here." Um, it's interesting. Uh, you see, I I think I can manage my own life, but the book says that when we place our lives in God's hands, and I'm paraphrasing, uh, that things will turn out better than we could have ever planned.

If I keep planning my life, how can things ever turn out better than I ever planned? >> You know, they can't. the best I can hope for when I'm running my life is is what I can plan for.

Well, I went up there and I knew this was a career killer, but it was actually fairly wellreceived and they got funding uh for the position and then they asked me to to manage this group and spend uh the next year or two, whatever, uh traveling around the state of Texas uh basically doing AA and getting paid for it. But it meant over 50% cut in pay. I said, "Oh should I take a 50% cut in pay?" You know, I mean, that's pretty healthy chunk.

No benefits. But I prayed about it and it was the right thing to do. So, you know, here I go and I'm uh I'm doing this deal and uh doing some good, trying to do God's will.

And uh I'm I'm an attorney. I'm in an estate planning area which uh since they announced that estate taxes were going to be repealed, they made this announcement seven or eight years ago. No one's gone into the field and rather than switch fields like I thought I should do, I stayed in it uh just because it was going to interfere with helping other people if I tried to launch out on a new career at that point.

Well, as a result, the services that I was able to provide um have become greatly in demand and I'm running into people who are asking me to do wells, but I really don't want to do it because I've got this new project that I'm trying to get done. So, I tell them, "Well, $150 an hour, it'll probably take me 10 hours." They said, "Can you start it um next week?" And I'd say, "Well, yeah, but I'll need a retainer." And how much? Well, $1,500.

and they'd write me a check. I think, well, it' take me a few hours. I'd knock that out.

Next week, someone else would come along. I'd tell them $200 an hour because I really didn't want to do it. The next week, I'd tell them $250 an hour.

And uh the long and the short of it was I took over a 50% cut in pay to do God's will. and I made more than twice almost three times what I've ever made in my life working half as much that year. And you know, as a result, um I was able of some other things where I did things that I thought were not part of my plan, but they were the right things to do.

I was able to open up a halfway house in in Houston. So, um, follow the dictates of a higher power and you'll presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your current circumstances may be. Thank you all for letting me share up here and um, I hope I made an impact on at least one person.

Thank you. >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.

Until next time, have a great day.