Spiritual Awakening Is Subtraction, Not Addition – AA Speaker – Peter M.

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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Good morning everybody.

My name is Peter. I'm an alcoholic. Grateful to be alive and sober and at a meeting.

Uh grateful for this gift of sobriety. Um what a weekend. Um what a weekend.

I am beside myself. Um, first things first, if I can thank the committee for this really wonderful honor and invitation to me to be here with you this weekend. Um, my big book tells me that great events will come to pass for me and countless others.

If my relationship with God is right and this is nothing short of a great event. This has been absolutely wonderful and what a treat to just be a part of this. uh forget about speaking just to be a part of this and uh made lots of uh new friends and have some friends from New York who are here for support.

And to my friends from New York, make yourself at home. Hit somebody. I got my way.

I am very grateful to be a recovered member of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I say recovered because that's what my big book promised me and that's what I've come to experience. I will not share anything this morning on something I do not have experience on because then I'd be a liar.

But God has given me and you have given me wonderful experiences which have transformed my life a day at a time. I live a day at a time, but my spirit doesn't wear a watch. My spirit is able to just be and is.

And when I'm integrated with that spirit, I don't live in before and I don't live in later on. I am awake to the present moment. What a gift that is because my life before I got here was driven by fear.

God separated me from alcohol June 23rd, 1988. And I'm very grateful for that. And so are a lot of other people I know.

But as a recovered member, I automatically assume here a responsibility to uphold the traditions as well as the tradition of Alcoholics Anonymous. to study our literature, to understand our literature, to be in touch with our history because I found out found out here being brought up in Alcoholics Anonymous. That when I understand what it is I belong to, I become a better member.

And my job is not to suit up and show up now, but to understand where we came from, our very humble beginnings. I mean, this thing started a few years ago, but there's a whole legacy that preceded Alcoholics Anonymous, that brought us to this conference, that brought me here to Alcoholics Anonymous. I need to be in touch with that.

I need to know about that stuff. So many times I go into meetings and a new AA person walks in, they think AA like I did, started when I got here. And isn't it a shame that some of us who have been been around here a while don't take time out to share our history with them?

We didn't have to be there that many years ago. A lot of us were born way after Bill passed away. But shouldn't we be in touch with our history and pass that on to the newcomers who walk in the door so they can be productive members, awake and informed members of Alcoholics Anonymous?

That's the way I was brought up in Alcoholics Anonymous. And that's what I'm very grateful to be able to do a day at a time. As a recovering member, I no longer suffer from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body because of the information in the big book Alcoholics Anonymous, which has awakened my spirit.

I'm here today free. Free from the illness. Free from a lot of the illis isms that I suffered from that drove me.

Page 62 says we're driven by a hundred forms of fear. It drove me up until the day I walked into Alcoholics Anonymous and 6 months separated from alcohol in here not drinking and going to meetings. It was still driving me because I was still running around in Alcoholics Anonymous untreated.

And then a very great man was put in my life by a loving God. And I began the journey to the big book Alcoholics Anonymous. My life has never been the same.

I just went through this work recently with a new sponsor I met about 18 months ago. God put a wonderful teacher in my life again. You know, let me let me say this before we get going.

If you're someone new, so I heard I was at the the count last night. There were a bunch of new people floating around and you don't have a sponsor and you don't know who to ask. I can tell you from my own experience, this is what you do.

You go into prayer and ask God to give you a teacher because why would to deny someone and take you to him? he won't. So that's what I did.

And 18 months ago, a new teacher showed up in my life and I went through this work again. I've been through this work a couple of times. And my question was, how do I approach this work going through it again?

I had a whole lot of information. I've been through the steps. I can tell you the big book forwards and backwards.

I've studied it. I've worked with it. I've gone to big book workshops.

I've done big book workshops. How do I do this? How do I approach this work again?

You know, we're around here a little while. We got this thing called reemergence of ego. I know the book.

I could hear someone give a talk and I'm saying, "Okay, they're talking about page 68. Have I become attached to the information? Have I started to worship the information or was I going through this work to get more information or to get a deeper relationship with this power that I ought to be worshiping and seeking?" And that's why I approached this this work with this time seeking this power rather than be worshiping the information because this work in the big book all the steps that we do all the things that we do in alcoholics and arms all these wonderful things are pointers they guide us they take us to a god of our understanding where hopefully we get to a place where completely stripped of everything integrated with this power and we get free but on the way what happens is this the things that take us to a power become the very things that block us from this power and ego loves it Because ego will endorse, I heard a gentleman say it yesterday.

Ego will endorse what we know we're doing well. It knows where to get us. My big book tells us this is sly, clever, and devious, difficult to detect.

A subtle foe. Alcoholism knows how to work. I went to the University of 86.

I had to look up the word subtle. I didn't know what it meant. And I found that it was sly, clever, devious, and difficult to detect.

a great word for this illness that wants to lay and wait for me just to be open to get in and take me right out of here. So I approach this work by looking to to to get a deeper relationship with this power. Many times we get stuck on the second half of the first step.

My life's unmanageable. Okay, I know that blind man can see that. I know I have no power, choice, and control over the first drink while drinking and while I'm sober.

Know that. But then we get around here a little while and we start to get okay. You can tell new people right away.

The guys get new sneakers and the women get pad dos and manicures. You know they're new right away. Seems to be the first change.

I'm not lying. And we get around here a little while, right? And we get a sponsor and we go through the work and we start speaking at lots of meetings and people start to know us.

We know where the coffee room is. We know where the restroom is. We know whose chair in the meeting.

Things. We go back to work. The wife lets you back in the bedroom.

You know, things start to get nice. We get some money in our pocket. We get a little bit responsible.

Things get nice. Things get comfortable. And we become a prey to the comfortability because any lens that we walked in here with, I'll do anything sponsor that you tell me to do.

Suddenly, it isn't so important. It's like the amends I have to make tomorrow. I'll do it.

I'll throw this out for some consideration. A very great teacher told me this. We say, you know, I've gone through the steps.

I've gone through the work. whatever terminology you want to use, it doesn't make a difference to me. I've gone to the work.

I've, you know, I've entered the world of the spirit. Well, here's the question to consider. Do I have any outstanding amends right now, this morning, Sunday morning, that I'm consciously aware of that I haven't made?

Because maybe I've had a spiritual awakening as a result of steps 9 and a half. And have I really gone through the steps? Have I really entered the world of the spirit?

Have I really been woken up? And how come I'm not making those amends? Is it possible I have first step reservations that maybe I became the power?

that any lince I walk in here with is something like, "Well, you know what? Um, they don't know me. I don't know them.

They don't even remember me. I feel good today." How dangerous. I feel good.

Cuz what we do is we worship our emotions, too. See, if I feel good, I wake up on a Monday morning, I feel really good. I feel physically fit.

Everything's good. There's no noise in my head. I feel good.

I feel spiritual. I must be doing something right. Tuesday, I wake up.

I don't feel so good. And I start to get down on myself. And the judge starts to scream at me.

I don't feel so good today. I don't feel so spiritual, so maybe I'm doing something wrong. And I suddenly moved into worshiping my emotions rather than the power, which is what this is all about.

This whole thing is about the glory of God and getting to your God, being integrated with it, and passing on to new person walks in the door who's completely empty. That's my job. I'm here 15 years, thank good Lord, recovered.

I'm no longer the most important person at any meeting. And if you think you are, maybe you're missing something because my job is to serve alcoholics synonymous to get the new recruit here or when they're here to work with them and pass this on if they want it. And I've been guilty over the years of ramming this down someone's throat cuz I wanted it more than you did.

And I've been guilty of watering it down because I wanted it more than you did. Through trial and error, God has moved you to a place if you want it. I'll walk through fire with you, but you going with me and we'll get to the other side of that archway one way the other.

and we'll both stand free and then you'll go back into the fellowship and pull somebody out like me who wants this message. What great stuff. That's what we do here.

We save lives because I have found out this sick spirit which I suffered from for many years. That block spirit, that dead spirit, that that untreated person, we damage people. I destroyed my family.

And not because I was that powerful, but this thing called alcoholism which owns me is. And it tore up my entire family and they suffered. I became Debbie Devilman.

They suffered from my illness. But the awakened spirit goes back into that family and things change. You ever do a 12step call?

You walk into the house, you 12step a guy. Well, I've done it many times. And the wife is doing two things.

Take them and get them out of here. And when you walk in the house, it looks dirty. It's dingy.

It's depressed looking. It looks like you're drunk. The house looks like they're drunk.

The other thing she'll tell us is, "Is he coming home with fear? The kids are in the other room. The dog don't even want to know him.

You work with that drunk and they wake up and you go back in that house 3 months later, 6 months later, it's a different house. It looks different. I've experienced this.

The the the people in the house are different. It's different. It's woken up because that's what an awakened spirit does.

It touch the lives of others. And it isn't because I or us are that powerful, but God is. That's what he does.

We save lives. Look around this room. You guys look indescribably wonderful this morning.

What a good deal. What a good deal. My home group is the Free Spirit Group located in Brooklyn, New York, where the only requirement for membership there is a pinky ring, sunglasses, and gold jewelry.

We uh got guys in my home group uh who think The Godfather was an educational movie. By the way, we also changed how it works into how you doing. I I quick story about the type I heard God has a sense of humor.

The type of people God put in my life. I was a new kid on the block and they walked into my group and they were planning these one of these AA outings and they decided to go fishing. Five guys from Bensonhurst, Brooklyn.

We're going to go fishing. Never been fishing before, but they were going to go fishing. So, I mean, if they got water on their shoes and they go, "Oh, you got my shoes wet." But how do how do five guys from Brooklyn get dressed to go fishing like I am this morning?

These were guys if you yelled out land hard which don't talk about my mother but uh flew around on a boat and you know would set sail like look like headed for Gilligans Island and my friend Sally boy that's a Brooklyn name uh threw the reel in the water and he's waiting for something and an hour goes by two hours goes by and he finally grabs and he's pulling on this reel and he's pulling on the reel and it's getting heavier and heavier and we're thinking maybe it's someone from the neighborhood we thought was on a long vacation and uh Anyway, he pulls his fish on board and it's flipping and flapping on a deck from side to side. So, that's one punches at it and kicks out. I'm starting to cry because of the poor fish and throwing me overboard.

And uh finally, my friend Sally Boy grabs his fish in a bear hug and goes to stick his head on the water and says, "Son, what are you doing? I'm going to drown him. that I'm here recovering, man.

How's that? Uh, but that's that's my home group. UM, I suffer from back pain and the guy told me, you know, back pain is, I read somewhere, he says, Pete, it's from this this deep inner rage.

I says, yeah, I've been a home group member over here for 15 years. You have back pain, too. Um, it has been the training ground for me, trust me.

Um, but it is my home. And uh I just want to put um a plug and some gratitude for uh what's going on where I currently live for the last 8 years in Staten Island because there are my friend Tom is here. Um what a gift in my life he is.

There are just so many wonderful things happening in Staten Island. These clusters of enthusiasm. When I first got there, there was one group doing this work and a lot of untreated stuff happening.

And what a privilege it is to be a part of what's going on in Staten Island. It's like this weekend. I mean, we have people showing up an hour before a meeting and hanging out an hour afterwards.

And you want to see the power of God. I see it in Staten Island meetings cuz an hour after meeting is done, you got a drunk in a corner working with another drunk, taking time out of their schedule because they know this person needs help. And I'm right in the middle of it.

What a gift. What a gift I'm a part of. I was dying in a hallway 15 years ago and I've been moved here and found some wonderful people in Staten Island.

I just I I there's some nights I know this sounds kind of kind of corny, but there's nights I'm I'm I'm in bed and I just hold on to my pillow real tight because I'm just so grateful. I'm sleeping in a bed with clean sheets next to a woman I love and I'm a member of the sacred place called Alcohol Anonymous. What a treat.

um to tell you in a general way what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now, what I'm trying to be like today, a day at a time as a result of living in all three sides of this triangle and working very very um um with a lot of enthusiasm uh with uh our disciplines in 10 and 11. I work very very hard with that stuff because the benefits have been incredible. I need a whole lot of booze to get through life.

I need a whole lot of God right now to live and to be a vital member of this place. My first drink came when I was about 14 years old. I grew up in Brooklyn and I remember my first drunk like it happened last week.

It was that clear to me because it was life-changing for me. My life has never been the same since my first drunk. It was a Saturday night uh just off the corner across the street from a church.

Actually, was a bunch of storefronts made into this makeshift church and they were raising money and there was a feast happening. Excuse me. And I remember what I was experiencing then as I opened this talk with I was driven by fear.

You know, I was the type of guy who would shake in my shoes. You know, when you're so nervous, you can feel your your forehead getting like sweaty and and you can hear your voice as you're talking and you just got that vibrating going on. I was vibrating like that.

And I I was just so insecure. And I watched my friends drink co of coal 45. They were passing around the court and they were they were joyous, happy, and free drinking beer.

They were in the moment, you know. They were rough house and talking to the girls and the music was in the background and my friends were just off the corner. I was further down the block, maybe 20 ft from them.

And I wanted so desperately to get in there and mix it up with them. I wanted but there was this judge and this victim inside of me. The judge would balk at me and what a loser I was.

And the other part of me would say, "You know, the judge is right. You don't belong anywhere." I tried hanging out with the jocks. I couldn't do it.

I tried hanging out with the tough guys. I got beat up. I tried hanging out the intellects.

It was a disaster area. I couldn't even pull that one off. Um, wherever I went, there I was.

And this Saturday night was certainly no different. They were drinking it. And what came to me was how many times my dad had given me given me very very clear warnings, stern warnings about hanging out with those bums on the corner.

I don't ever want to catch you drinking with those guys and don't bring any of those girls around this house. Now, up until the time I walked into Alcoholics Anonymous and specifically made a nightstep approach at my dad back then when he would look at me, I would shake in my shoes. He was a tough guy from South Brooklyn, a street guy full of love I didn't know until I got here, but a different character than me.

And so when he would look at me, I would shake. And when he gave me these warnings, I took them until the Saturday night rolled around. There were many things going on in my family at the time.

I had a mom who suffered from this thing called alcoholism. And she experienced more about alcoholism. Talks about that incomprehensible demoralization.

She experienced that over and over and over again. And I grew up with that stuff, wondering when is my when is my mom going to get better? When is she going to sober up?

I don't know anything about alcoholics anonymous. just knew my mom was drinking herself to death and she finally succeeded in doing that. When she died, I was completely leveled by it.

I was destroyed by it. It took many years in here and not getting outside help to walk through that. And I've had some experiences with meditations put that to rest.

But back then when she took her life, I was completely level. My design for living was removed right out of my lap. I had this guy called dad who was cunning, baffling, powerful, 20t tall, and my mom was the only one I can go to.

And she gave me great instructions for life. But she was just so sick and she finally succeeded in what she tried to do for so long and I was level empty. And I think we all get separated from this power somewhere.

I don't believe God puts us here and then separates us, leaves us on our own. That would be a cruel God. I don't have a crew God.

And I doubt you do also. I have a loving and caring God, but somewhere I got separated. My mom would teach me how to pray.

I'm a Catholic. She would take me to church. She would do all these wonderful things and try to bring me upright, tell me how much God loves me.

And then she dies. as I see her suffer and die. And I think that's where maybe I was separated from this power, separated.

And thank good Lord, I come in here and I was had this new relationship, integrated once again with this power. But back then, it wasn't like that. And I think that's where I was separated from God.

When I watched my friends drink, I I wanted desperately to get in there, put my hand in there, grab the cord, and see what they were experiencing. It had to be better than what I was. Well, I remember the court went around the first, second, third, fourth time and I don't know why, but something came over me to put my hand in there and grab the cord and I took a few pops.

It hit hit my stomach and nothing happened. And on that, I took a little bit more and I took some more and I took a little bit more and something happened to me that I never experienced in my entire life. Doctor's opinion says the sense of ease and comfort that comes by taking just a few drinks.

Drinks I see others taking with impunity. They weren't suffering. They on the I judge you know your insides by the outside.

They seemed to be okay and doing what they were doing. Their life seemed to be okay. They were the older guys.

They were like 16 and like rebels without a clue. But they were like my heroes. So I took a little bit more and I took a little bit more and I took a little bit more.

I got more fired up. I got more fired up. And suddenly I was awake to the present moment because I wasn't thinking about my dad.

I wasn't thinking about my mom. She she died January 23rd and this was spring summertime was about 6 months later and that pain was suddenly removed. The fear of my dad driving up and catching me drinking on a corner removed.

The fear of the cops removed everything. The voices up here the vibrating. Everything went away.

Alcohol was my solution. And I will tell you this, alcohol helped me deal with my alcoholism for many, many years. It was a panacea for my ills, man.

It was it. I drink. I feel better.

I'll take more. I wasn't thinking about alcoholics and I didn't even know what an alcoholic was. I watched my mom die from this.

But who knew what an alcoholic was? I mean, maybe if you told me I would think of some guy in a bar, you know, I remember my dad used to drive us through Manhattan and drive through the bar and say, "That's what happened if you don't go to school." You would point at the bums. That's what happened if you don't do this.

That's what happens if you do drugs. Who knew what an alcoholic was? Certainly not me.

And I had no idea what alcoholism is. I found out the hard way, like all of us, by drinking. See, lots of people, there's a lot of hard drinkers in Alcoholics Anonymous who can tell you don't drink and go to meetings.

They don't know they're killing people with statements like that because they're not they're the they're the hard drinker or the moderate drinker. I'm the guy on page 21, the real alcoholic. You know, I didn't know what a real alcoholic was back then.

And I suffer from three things. And I don't want to preach to the choir here, but I'll do it anyway. I suffer from I suffer from this mental obsession.

I would get in terrible trouble on a Monday and Tuesday my mind would tell me Monday wasn't that bad. It would convince me to drink again. I would buy a lie every time.

At the end, the truth almost kill me. It would pretty up a junkyard to get me back and it would figure out a way to get me back to a drink. Once I bought the lie and put liquor in my body, I suffered from this thing our doctor's opinion talks about so much better than I can.

This phenomena craving that whenever I drank alcohol, the craving was intensified. Was never satisfied. More and I kept drinking.

That was my drink. You want to see instant sobriety for me? Yell out last call.

I sober up in a heartbeat because it was panic again. Where am I going to continue this drunk? You can go home.

I can't. The other thing was this this spiritual malady they talk about in our book. And I referred to that earlier.

I think that's where I was separated, why I got blocked from this power. And those three things qualify me to be in here. getting arrested, getting getting beat up, getting car crashes may make me come to alcoholics anonymous that doesn't necessarily qualify me for an alcoh to be an alcoholic.

I'm grateful my sponsors, my teachers have been real alcoholics because if they were non-alcoholics, maybe hard drinkers, they would have said, you know what, don't drink and go to meetings and I kept getting drunk. Step one tells me I'm going to drink. But the real alcohol offered me a solution.

Many times the hard drinkers and they and they meant it from their heart. They were not trying to hurt me, but they would say, "You want sobriety? Go make coffee.

There's a lot of uh sobriety in a coffee pot. I'm still looking, you know. Um, join the sober softball team.

How is that going to keep me sober? How is that going to give me an experience? It fell short." But my my sponsors have been real alcoholics who told me I was suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience would conquer.

I don't tell people when they come into Alcoholics Anonymous ever, I wish you a slow recovery. Cuz I've heard that in Alcoholics Anonymous. How dare I wish a drunk walk in here dying?

I wish you a slow recovery. How arrogant have I become to wish a drunk a slow recovery? When did I become God?

But I hear that in Alcoholics Anonymous. A slow recovery. Isn't God in charge of the recovery?

Not me. My job is just pass the message on and let God determine how fast they're going to get this. But I hear that.

I wish you a slow recovery. But great people when I went to treatment in Minnesota and the people I met in Brooklyn that gave me a different message. Very grateful for them.

I got drunk that night and there were no consequences. I've heard many of people share some horrific uh consequences on the first drunk. Terrible things happened on the first drunk.

Nothing like that happened to me. I went home after getting a really good load on. I I went to bed.

I got up the next morning. My teeth were still in my mouth. No black eyes.

I hadn't soil my clothes. Nothing bad. I remembered everything when I woke up the next morning.

Bill says three great words in his story. I had arrived when I was drinking cold 45 beer on the corner of 71st and 20th Avenue in Brooklyn and I got to that place out there that's indescribably wonderful. I arrived.

I had my passage into manhood. Everything was good. And so when I got up Sunday morning to go down to the park to play basketball with the older guys, I walked in to that park and my shoulders were just a little bit wider.

My chest was a little bit bigger because I got my stripes the night before. And I knew I found a solution. I can deal with this week because next Saturday I'm going to get fired up and capture that elusive feeling once more.

I'm going to get to that place. I found a solution. I felt part of finally something made me awake to the present moment.

It's called cold call 45 beer. I didn't know. I just stepped onto a road pave right to hell called alcoholism.

Was going to turn this flight as Bill says like a boomerang and at the end cut me to ribbons. Knew nothing about it. Just give me more man cuz I want to feel better.

I started drinking on Saturday nights and I got, you know, to brainstorm, why wait till Saturday when I can get this going on Friday. So I started drinking on a Friday and it became Friday and then Saturday and Friday, Saturday and Sunday and little by slowly I was drinking during the week. My hero went from Mickey Manel to Keith Richards and I wanted to be like Keith and uh so I was a musician.

I was a wannabe basketball player growing up in Brooklyn. I thought I was Michael Kolleone for a while. Um, but you know, I was trying to do all these things, but I wanted to drink.

And liquor, as Bill says, assume more serious proportions in my life. And there were many, many unhappy scenes in my house. Little by slowly that my I the consequences that I was starting to experience, my family was starting to experience also because of my drinking.

I became Debbie Devilman. And they didn't do anything. You know, as I continue to drink during the week, um my dad would tell me, "I want you home by a certain time." That went out the window.

"Don't hang out with this crowd." That went out the window. And he would give me these these these lectures. I would he my dad would be out, you know, socializing with his friends.

I have two kid brothers at home and I wait for him to leave and then I'd go out, leave sober. My two kid brothers idolize me. They would dress like me, try to talk like me, try to be like me.

I was their older brother. And then I would come home drunk. And very very often I was a nasty ugly drunk dumping lots of earthy language in their lap about this guy who took my mom and this guy called that I have no idea how to operate around.

I'm scared to death and they got all of it. And little by slowly they start to become afraid of me. My alcoholism was affecting them and they didn't do anything.

And they would tell my dad and my dad would corner me and give me these lectures about what I was doing with my life. They saw my downfall way before I did. And my biggest problem with drinking back then was their problem with my drinking.

But I was affecting them this thing called alcoholism. Now you want me to stand at a podium and say don't drink and go to meetings and you're a winner. How arrogant.

My big book tells me we're like tornado roaring through the lives of others. We leave what? Damaging the pre.

Those people are home doing their thing and we tear up their lives. And I want to come into an AA meeting and say just don't drink and go to means and you're a winner. What about amends?

What about going back and fixing that stuff? What about being a productive member of your family and nursing them the way they nursed us? What about that?

I don't hear that enough in Alcoholics Anonymous. Not where I'm from. I hear don't drink to meetings.

Don't worry about the steps. The steps will get you do a step a year. The AA walls.

Could you imagine if Bill did a step a year? We would not be here this morning. See, but I'm so grateful for the teachers, the first teachers I met in Minnesota when I went to treatment out there who ruffled my feathers.

They disturbed me on the question of alcoholism. They were in the life-saving business. If they became friends, great.

But they put their head on a pillow knowing they gave me truth and they disturbed me and I went back to them for more because they knew they would they they knew what they were talking about. I couldn't I couldn't be around people who said, "Well, you know what? Read page 449 and acceptance and call me every day.

Read how it works. work the slogans. How, you know, turn it over.

I'm looking to turn a table over when they would tell me those things. I start to become a coward, which is what alcoholism turned me into, a coward, not a tough guy. And like a coward, what I would do is when I would wake up, as Bill says, when a morning terror man is on him, it was on me.

And I needed to get money to get out the door to go get fired up. And what I did like a coward was steal from people that I love, my family. It was an easy mark.

You know, my brothers were going to school and they had part-time jobs. And you would figure money is safe in the house in a dresser drawer, on a counter, wherever it is, right? It's home.

But not with me in the house cuz I would do if there's 50 bucks. My thinking is 30 half it goes with me. They're working, they'll get more.

And I was really okay with it. I start to steal from my dad. You know, he would go down for breakfast in the morning.

He'd have his robe on and his pants would be draped over the dresser and he always carry lots of cash on him. And I go into his pocket and take money out of it and then meet him for breakfast. And like any loving parent would say, "Do you need any money on you today?" I'd say, "Dad, I could use a few bucks.

You go back upstairs and give me some money. Tell me have a good day." I had that going. One morning I woke up and I really need to get fired up and I was experiencing that that uneasiness like I knew I needed to drink and I was going to start to get sick and I couldn't steal from the house except for one place.

I went to a dresser drawer and uh I found my dad's checkbook and so I got to brainstorm if I could forge his name. I'll go down to the bodega, the liquor store. care.

You guys have bodeas out here, by the way. No, there are places where you sell beer and food. One of those places.

Um, and I would go in there and I would, you know, forge my dad's name and and cash it and get some money and go get fired up. And I did that for a short time because I knew nothing about something called checking statements. Uh, that stuff came back and uh, he came looking for me and uh, he caught me over in Manhattan, lower Manhattan, uh, right by the Brooklyn Bridge, a place called the South Bridge Towers.

I was dating a girl and we were sitting in the car. My dad drove up and jumped out of the car and screamed my name and I knew I was in trouble. Anytime that type of approach from this man, I knew I was in trouble.

Uh, you know, it wasn't like Lever to Beaver on TV where dad shows up in a shirt and tie. Um, my dad's a long showman and uh um you listen when he spoke and he jumped out of the car and uh what I did was instead of driving away, I left the girl in the car and I got out and I ran away. Um, and he called my name and I froze and uh, the first thing I did was blame her cuz you know it was her fault and the guys in the neighborhood and uh, you know, thank the good Lord he didn't buy any of it.

Um, he sent me off to my first rehab and I went away to this place in Long Island, New York, this real nice place. And what I did for 28 days was push-ups and sit-ups. I ate great, slept great.

I learned words like enablers and dysfunctional family and inner child and all these fancy words. Never took responsibility for my illness. I didn't concede to my innermost self the first step that I was an alcoholic.

That's a spiritual thing when that happens. When we get to that bitter end, that place, but we deep down in here, no one has to point fingers at us. We conceived our animal.

So, I was nowhere near that. I got caught. In fact, the first few rehabs I went to, I got caught and it got too hot and I had to get out of town.

So rehab sounds like a good deal. You know, they'll nurse me back. They'll give me some medication.

I'll be eating soon. I get a nice clean bed, watch a little TV, go to group, talk about my enablers, all that jazz. And I'm out of there.

Freshen up when it cools down. And that's how I would go to rehab that I have and make use of what they do cuz I do. It's all great.

You won't you won't experience relief here. You'll experience freedom. There's a big difference.

and you'll get freer as you continue to have new and effective spiritual experiences with this great power. What great information. If you're sitting here tonight rocking and rolling with a smile on your face and dying on the inside cuz I did it.

We're actors. Get a real alcoholic. Find one.

We're here and just ask. We know where you are. You don't have to pretend.

We know where you are. And the real people who are doing the deal will go to any lens to help you recover. I got thrown out of this apartment and I went to live on the streets and I signed myself out of my six rehab and um it was a disaster.

I used to panhandle by the Manhattan Bridge and and uh you know panhandle through the Lower East Side and do whatever I had to do to get a drink and I took up residency in the back of a hallway um on a street called Division Street in lower Manhattan. And I would go to any lens for the price of a drink and I lost contact with my family. I was unemployable.

I was living the part of a barry bum. And uh again I used to say you know if you're out there why why are you doing this to me? And I had one day and we all experienced this this moment of clarity that lucid interval that our big book talks about that little bit of opening where we're struck sober for that moment.

Right? And I realized at that moment what I was and I was going to die and I had daughter my mom who had passed long before that. I had thought of my family who I hadn't seen for quite some time and I had that moment and what I did with it was look up to to to the skies and curse God.

You did this to me. You took my mom. You took me f my family.

Look what you turned me into. And I will tell you I hated God. I hated God.

And it was difficult for me to share that in Alcoholics Anonymous my first year how I felt about this God. You're not such a nice person and I want no party. Look what you did to my life.

What did I do to you? But see, God is infinite mercy and infinite love did not say, "You know what? Six rehabs, you cursed me and you burned every bridge I put in front of you.

Now I'm going to lock doors on you." What my loving God did is what we do with children when they hurt. Because if I think I'm bigger than a child in God's eyes, I'm mistaken. I'm one of his children like you are.

And that's how he sees me. And what do we do with children when they're hurt? We hold them.

We put them on our lap. And we let them know it's going to be okay. We comfort them.

And we teach them. And that's what my God did for me. What a great deal.

And he put me really just put me in my seventh rehab. And that came by really divine intervention and working through my dad. I got thrown out of his apartment.

I'm running around the streets and I'm praying to die, living in the back of a hallway, going to any lens, looking the part of a bum. And um I wound up in a hallway. And I had again this moment.

God again served me truth once again. And this was the flimsy read that proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God because I'm here today this morning recovered. Something happened way beyond me, way beyond what I could see.

Way beyond my power. But in this this moment of clarity, I didn't curse God anymore. I begged from the bottom of my heart, God, if you're out there, please take this from me.

Cuz I knew I was going to get drunk and die. The next drink was going to kill me. And I wasn't thinking about Alcoholics Anonymous.

I wasn't thinking about The Big Book. I wasn't even thinking about anything to do with this place. I just don't want to die like this in this hallway.

And God put my dad back in my life because I was running through the streets one day. Here's a managed to take pictures of me and go into the projects in downtown Brooklyn and pay off the winos and the junkies say, "Where's my son? I know he's around here.

This is what he would do for me." And the only person I can think of in this moment of clarity when I beg to God to get help was to think of I got to find my dad. And I remember going to the phone and trying to call him a few times collect. And uh I would I would having these crying jags.

I couldn't even make the phone call. My dad was in gambling in Atlantic City and he got a feeling in his gut that I was in trouble and he came looking for me and we met in Brooklyn and um he drove up in his car and he saw me and this time he didn't scream my name but this I remember he just called my name and he walked across the street and I had pants that were sold and blood stained and and construction boots with holes in them and I hadn't taken a shower in I don't know how long and um I said, "Dad, I'm okay." you know, don't worry about it. And uh and I remember collapsing in his arms and um he had every right to knock me from one end of the avenue to the other.

And I remember this cuz my dad's not this type of guy, but him holding on to me. And um he was patting me on the back and telling me telling me that I was going to be okay and that uh he wasn't going to lose his son. And um thank good Lord I went off to my seventh and god willing last rehab.

And uh I wound up in this rehab and um after about 10 days the insidious insanity of the first drink was galloping back. Bill talks about it in the Mayflower Hotel separated from alcohol and things weren't going his way and the illness was galloping back. Alcohol don't care how long I'm sober.

And uh after about 10 days, I was thinking if I can get myself out of here, maybe I can do it different. And I got real scared. P.S.

They sent me out to Minnesota, the God country, where people out there were doing the deal. They were doing the deal, man. And I would go to a meeting.

I was telling my friend Cookie, this place called the Three Legacies was this big. And I was walking, counting days, and I was scared to death. And everyone was dressed at the door.

And I was scared to death of it. But they stood with dignity. These are drunks standing there with with dressed.

It was different life, different I never saw this before. I'm so used to living in the back of hallways and I walk into this place and every speaker would get up to the podium with a big book and share their experience from it. Whatever they wanted, whatever they had, I wanted God I wanted.

I got a sponsor and after about 10 months I was brought home and I went to my home group the free spirit group and I my first appointed teacher showed up in my life and um we went to the big book alcoholics anonymous and I had an experience I had many of them transforming over the years my family's been reassembled because of the power that I found in Alcoholics Anonymous. my dad. I sat with my dad in my ninstep approach and one of the things was he experienced this thing with my mom and had to relive it again with me.

How do I sit down with this man and make amends? How do I do this? Father, please give me words to sit with this man.

I want so desperately to make this right. And he did. And I started my amends and my dad stopped me.

He says, "All I ever wanted was my son back." And he was happy. Our roots grass new soil. My family's roots grass new soil because of what has been given to me in here and I hope to always give it back with the same love and gratitude.

I went through this work and I had the experience to start working with people and about 18 months ago I started to what my current sponsor Mark tells me is I started to flatline. I was meditating. I'm working.

I'm doing inventory. I'm doing all this stuff and I can't get around the wall. I can't get over the wall.

I can't go under the wall. Nothing. A little reemergence of ego.

A lot of things were going on and I start to go through this work again and I got squeezed once again. Got the ego smashed once again and it's uncomfortable going through that archway. We're building an archway where we're going to walk through a free man at last.

How free do you want to get? There was a squeezing going on for me. It wasn't comfortable looking at different manifestations of self.

I like to think I'm the best husband in the world. I like to think I'm a good son to my and a good coworker and a good friend. And I saw where I was falling short and then the judge had a field day with it.

I said, "See, you're a loser." It was uncomfortable. Inventory is not supposed to be comfortable. Was supposed to get a little squeeze going through.

It's doing its job. You get a sponge and you clean, you know, your counter. It gets a little dirty.

What do you do? You squeeze out, make room for more. This whole thing of spiritual awakening is by subtraction, not addition.

Many times you'll see new people, I feel empty, I feel empty. They go out and they do stuff like I did. We go out and reach and get stuff.

Need the relationship. I need the job, the car, etc. It's not what we need.

What we need is to completely empty out, be rid of everything. The carpenter said he referred to something about um um blessed are the poor in spirit for the kingdom of heaven is theirs. I didn't know what that meant until I did some research on it.

It was about standing before my creator with no attachments. challenge every belief system I had. Had them removed.

Stand before my God with absolutely nothing like I did in that hallway when I made a sincere plea to God. Stand before my creator with absolutely nothing. And at that point, I experience truth and I'm integrated with this power and I am free.

That's how I find truth. I want to get to truth. I want to get to truth.

And we do all this thing. We reach out there. We do all these things.

And all we have to do is be rid of everything. We'll stand in truth. That's God.

And it's freeing and it's bliss. It's great. I've experienced that and hear coming from a hallway.

I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to be here this morning based on my track record. God had some other plans.

The committee had some other plans too. I had an experience in meditation. Uh and I'll share this.

I've had many. Big book talks about the spiritual appendix um the spiritual experience, the spiritual awakening. sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, the educational variety.

But my experience has been this. When God shows up, God shows up and it's profound. It's mood altering.

You know it. You can experience it. And the best thing to do is be silent about it.

Cuz when it comes to talking about God, silence, as you know, makes more sense. We can't convey the experience, but you know it's real. And you could be in a grocery store, you could be driving in your car, you could be working with someone, you could be in the meditation, and boom, you know you've been rocketed.

You could feel it. What a good deal. I've had some of those experiences in meditation and one of the great things is you know you pray we prayed to this God we prayed to this God and there's a little part of me does he really know me what a great freedom when I found out that I was convinced that God knew me Pete Marinelli that it was truly one of his children because it came out of a meditation where he heard me begging to him when I was a little kid my mom had this episode nervous breakdown whatever it was I was 3 years old in South Brooklyn and I stood about 20 ft from her and watched her collapse on the street and people around her and the ambulance came and the policeman and there was just this crowd and I was literally frozen in fear as a little three-year-old boy watching my mom collapse.

I remember her looking at me with this this blank look and we lived up above a lunchonet and the gentleman came out and he covered my eyes and the next time I saw my mom was at a hospital one of those gurnies in hysterics. It was a bad scene and my grandparents were around and my father was in there. It was just awful for a little kid to see on top of it.

Had many memories of her like that, but this one stood with me for years. There was a part of me that always says, "Pete, you need to go down to that spot in South Brooklyn for some reason. I don't know why.

You need to go back there and revisit." What I would do is always listen to my mind. And my sponsor showed me I am not my mind. You want to find God, lose your mind.

Get out of your mind. You hear newcomer and say, "I'm losing my mind. I'm losing my mind.

Things are going crazy." No, no, no. You're too much in your mind. If you lose your mind, you'll be fine.

And I would listen to my mind. I was attached. All belief systems don't go down.

Leave the past there. All belief systems, belief system will kill you. And they were doing that to me.

They were blocking me from getting free, from being rocketed again. I do this meditation. I was with my friend Mickey last night.

We did this prayer group in the back and something similar like that I started with. And I'm doing this meditation. I'm working with something.

I'm a Catholic. Working with something out of my religion, a gift to me. And I'm working in this meditation.

No expectations. Just I go meditate and sit and be with my God. And what appeared to me uh was this statue.

And I couldn't make out what type of statue was, but it was kind of broken down and rusted and and really couldn't see it. And I came out of a meditation. I think didn't think much of it.

And I went back into meditation again the next day and the same thing happened. It was a little bit clearer. Again, I didn't put any pieces of the puzzle together.

And the third day, that statue became lifelike. And this saint stood there very much lifelike with a baby in her arms. And she handed me the baby and happened to be me.

I wasn't sure what to do. But I remember this telling my sponsor about this experience. He says, "Mark, I don't know if maybe I'm losing my mind.

You know, something's up. I'm delusional, but I smell flowers during this experience. I'm He's Are they roses?

I says, "Yeah, I guess there's a definite okay when I'm I can can feel it." I didn't know if there was a significance with this for me. And it was very profound. He says, "Do not talk this experience where you need to connect the dots." And so I sat in meditation.

And now I was convinced that I had to go back to that spot in South Brooklyn. I told Mark and he had come back to Texas and Joe Hawk was in town in Staten Island. He says, "Go talk to Joe.

Joe will know exactly what you're trying to do." And I saw Joe on a Thursday. He says, "We'll go Saturday." He we can't wait. And I went back out of this meditation to revisit this spot.

And as we drove up, Joe's telling me about some of his ninestep experiences and asked me, "Do you need to tell your mom anything?" And um after talking to him, I realized I did. And right before we got out of the car, he held my hands and he made a prayer and he says, "God is with you now. You go take care of your business." He waited in the car and I got out of the car and I'm walking around and there was an energy.

I could feel it. If you've had an experience like this, you know what I'm talking about. It wasn't 6 in to the left.

It wasn't 6 in to the right, but I stood exactly where I stood as a three-year-old boy. I I could feel it. And there I was.

And I remember I was looking at me really as a three-year-old kid and you know getting down on my knee and telling him that he didn't do anything wrong that he's going to be okay. And I made a prayer to this little kid. And I walked across about 20 ft away where my mom was having this episode.

And I remember her punching this brown brick wall and the wall was still brown. And I put my hand on that spot and I made a prayer to my God to please take care of my mom. And I made a prayer and I came back and uh I tried to put closure on this thing and um I got as I was walking back into my car it was as as if something stopped me.

I I can't explain this but something there was something between me and getting into my car when I opened up the door I couldn't get in and I leaned in. I says, "Joe, I can't get in the car. I can't leave this kid." With that Joe jumped out of the car.

He says, "Let's do something about this." His wife, he says, "You better talk to God." Thanks a lot. I appreciate the information, Joe. But um he's maybe need to take him with you.

And I made a prayer. Father, what do I do? If you know Joe Hawk, he's very intuitive.

He's looking around. He's looking around and and um he sees something on the sidewalk. I have two kid brothers, John and Anthony.

My brother Anthony was not born yet. My brother Johnny was about maybe a year old when this stuff was happening in downtown Brooklyn. and he walked around.

He saw on the sidewalk. He says, "Why don't you take a look at that?" I said, "What is it? Why don't you take a look at it?" And what was written in the concrete was to Peter and Johnny with love and three little X's underneath etched out in the concrete.

Anyone could have put it there. Could have meant anything. But based on my experiences in Alcoholics Anonymous and your experiences, I have to think that once again, my God allowed my mom to talk to me.

Once again, my God showed his love to me, Pete Marinelli. If you don't have these experience, I can promise you that they will happen in your way. How God will talk to you.

It's way beyond not drinking. It's always about not drinking, but this is way beyond. This is this is growing up spiritually.

Something that's been given to me. What a gift. What a gift.

I feel so privileged and blessed to be a part of this sacred place called Alcoholics Anonymous. This is my life and I'm really okay with it. I've never had it so good with all the little dramas I experience.

I hope to always be teachable and give this message away with the same love and gratitude that's been given to me with each and every day. I stand on the firing line as God allows me and pass this on because when I walked into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, I walked into a room filled with the grace of God and every one of you are the living grace of God and I thank you. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise.

If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.