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We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. Thanks. Hi, I'm Sarah.

I'm an alcoholic. >> Hi, Sarah. >> Um, >> thank you again, David, for asking me to do this workshop and thank you all for coming out here even though it's Super Bowl Sunday.

Um, somebody said, you know, DVR is going to keep a lot of people sober tonight. I think that was true. Um, and uh, I was meditating, you know, before this workshop to try to figure out like what my current experience like helping others and what my past experience helping others really has looked like.

And for some reason, this topic is the hardest for me to find language and explain. Um, and uh, but it's like such a huge part of my life, so that doesn't really make any sense. But I um I remember uh I remember one time I um you know helping others is directly related to the idea that selfish self-centerness is the root of my problem.

Like my real problem as an alcoholic shows up when I put the drink down and it comes in the form of selfishness. Self-centerness. My problems are of my own making.

And when we talked about inventory last week, we talked about the fourth column of the resentment list. And that's really, you know, in in the fourth column of my resentments and in my fears and in my conduct, I get to see where selfishness, you know, has been the cause of my problems. You know, where how my problems are of my own making.

And um I think that like this whole process this this process that we do in the 12 steps does like a lot of things but for me it's taken me from someone who was incapable of having compassion in connection um with people that loves me with strangers. it was incapable of having a true partnership, right? Like a true connection um to somebody who is is like fairly full of love and fairly full of compassion and has a deep connection to other people.

And that's not like any way that I could really help somebody is like God working through me. It's not I don't really have the power to help somebody else. um a sponsy of mine who I love very much just texted me a long kind of list of here here's the pain I'm in here's the problem and my response to her was um I identify with your pain very deeply this is alcoholism at its finest um however all of the love that I have for you in the entire world is not powerful enough to help you cannot help you what you need is a power greater than yourself and the greatest service that I could ever do in helping others is to enable them to affect contact with a power greater than themsel.

And um the greatest service that people have done for me, you know, in my sobriety have have been helping me get to that place because that's really when God takes over and God through me is the power that is helpful to other people. Um now before like when I was like first in sobriety, um helping people was the most baffling thing. And I'm not even kidding.

Um, I remember one time I went to a staff member, his name was Dave G. He was awesome. And I was I was suffering.

I was suffering so much and I was like always like near tears and I was in like the worst pain ever. And this was I believe before I had like run away and tried to get drunk again. And I said, "Dave, why am I so miserable?

Why am I suffering?" And his response to me was, "Sarah, think about anything else but yourself. You're sitting around thinking about yourself all day long. Think about anything else.

I don't care what it is. Talk to somebody about pickles. Talk about pickles as long as you're not talking about yourself.

I don't I'm I don't know. I think I laughed, you know, like got me out of myself for a second. I remember another time that my sponsor had given me the direction.

She said, "You need to help somebody before 4:00 this afternoon." 4:00 rolls around. She goes, "Okay, what'd you do? Who'd you help?" I didn't help anybody.

I have no idea what you're talking about. being of service to somebody else was the most baffling concept that I had ever heard of. Um, that might not be everybody's experience, but I literally I was so terrified of people and so in the bondage of self that I had no idea what small little action I could do to be helpful to somebody else, you know, um, before 4:00 that day, I had no idea.

Um, but yeah, so I guess like there's a couple different ways that like being a service to others like shows up in my life today. It shows up in sponsorship. it shows up in um you know a constant thought of others and how I can help meet their needs like all day long throughout the day.

It doesn't even matter like if I'm helping somebody with program work or not, but just like a focus on other people. It shows up um in making AA attractive. Um and I guess I'll start with sponsorship.

Um I also feel that I have like a lot to learn about sponsorship. I feel like there's probably sponsors that are like more effective than I am. And I, you know, started to have this big book experience like um maybe like a year and a half ago.

And um and it all kind of happened very quickly. I found myself in like a like a whirlwind. You know, we hear a lot of people say like, "Oh, he's on fire." Or, "She's on fire in aa." And I I felt like I was set on fire.

And then I was just running around on fire, but not really knowing exactly what was going on. And And I feel like I'm at a place now where I'm just kind of like I'm not necessarily not on fire anymore, but I'm starting to come down, you know, from that. and and um and really taking a look more in depth, I guess, on like the way that I work with others and and like the and like what my relationships um in AA look like.

Um but yeah, so when we open up for observations and everything like that, if anybody has any tips for me on sponsorship, I definitely would love them. Um, it was pointed out to me though that the um, you know, the first nine steps in the book are are worded as now we're at our now we're at step such and such. But after nine when we get into 10, 11, and 12, they're worded differently.

They're worded as suggestions. That doesn't mean that they're not required or that they're any less important, but the way that it was explained to me is that we get restored to sanity in the ninth step. You know, at least halfway through, but definitely by the time that we're done with the ninth step, we are restored to sanity.

And by that time um they lay out some definite suggestions about how to continue taking personal inventory, how to uh you know deepen our conscious contact with God and and understand God's will um for us and um and how to carry this message. But the idea is that I'm also going to be able to like use intuition in these areas and I'm going to be able to use intuition and to rely on my thinking and how to best be of service to somebody because not every single spons I have falls into the blueprint of I've come in contact with them through doctor or a family member and I'm you know asking about them and trying to get to know who they are and then I'm making approach and you know it's like the outline that they give us in working with others. I mean, I can pretty much find the answers to any sponsorship questions that I have within that chapter, but it doesn't fit the blueprint for everybody that I work with, you know?

It doesn't account for what if what about the sponses that I have that have been sober for four years and are totally lost in aa you know like like I maybe like the spree that I have to wait for them to come off is not a drinking spree but like a self-will spree and like it's just you know there's like many different situations and I have found that like sponsy sponsorship situations are not necessarily that black and white like sometimes they're super complicated they're human relationships and they're human feelings and I haven't yet perfected like a format at that I can always fit you know with with with each individual spons I found them to be very different you know um but the basis for every sponsorship relationship that I have is that I am not the power that they need and our primary purpose in working together is to go through the 12 steps so that person can have a spiritual awakening and work with other alcoholics you know and and that's it and um and uh you know there's there's a part I think it's in a vision for you it says says, um, you know, make sure that your relationship with God is right and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. And what happened to me, and I don't know if anybody's familiar with Sandy Beach, the speaker, he talks about the origin of the word service coming from Bill Wilson's spiritual experience. Um, because what happened was Bill Wilson had a spiritual experience and he was overflowing.

He like you could not have stopped him. He was running around trying to get everybody sober. Um, I mean, you couldn't have pulled the reinss in on Bill Wilson, you know what I mean?

And that essentially is what happened to me. Um when I I I picked up a new sponsor and I you know I had had a spiritual you know experience and a spiritual awakening like prior to this but I was in a lot of pain and sobriety and I picked up my sponsor that I have now like a year and a half ago and we formally went through the steps in this way which was so important like so phenomenally helpful to my alcoholism really good and um and I found myself all of a sudden um you know definitely by the time that he and I had done um you know like the fourth and fifth step inventory together and I was working on amends definitely by that time I mean people were just like flooding into my life for me to be of service to so the key thing that I did to be of service to other people to be of maximum service to other people was to take care of my own house to like do my own program and and be fit for when somebody showed up and my experience was that they just started naturally showing up like all of a sudden I had like nine sponses I have I had people like coming up to me saying you know I've been praying on this for a couple weeks and I think I want you to be my sponsor was like you've been praying for a couple weeks on asking me to sponsor you are you kidding are you crazy I don't know if I want to like engage in this relationship you know I don't know I don't know what's going on but I mean people I'm and I was getting asked to speak and I was I mean it was just like my my ability to be effective and useful skyrocketed and the best part about having gone through the work myself was that I had experience to share and I had language you know I I had I had language for what we're doing here and I had language for what my experience was and I was able to like make sense of this kind of confusing book you know Um I know a lot of people that have that have their sponses or the people that you know ask them to sponsor them like read the book before they say okay go home and read the first 164 pages. I totally respect that and I probably will do that at on someday but I that wasn't my experience you know I didn't have somebody say go home and read that book.

So, so I kind of just like have what my experience was and my experience was I didn't I I had been reading this book with sponsors for years not understanding not understanding very key elements you know and it wasn't until this past year that I was you know went through it like and and really was like listening to a lot of big book speakers and a lot of big book tapes and really like understood it in a in a way. So, I take the time. It's this this might be like too self-will of me, but I almost don't trust that somebody will understand it if I'm not like sitting there like like breaking it down to help them.

Um, and and maybe maybe that's not true, but uh but you know, when I sponsor uh people now, it's pretty much um you know, we go through the book together. I've had situations with people where I felt like they didn't have time to go through every single word of the big book. I felt like they really needed to have an experience and they needed to have one now.

People who are um you know more of a chronic relapser, you know, and and I mean we we can use our self-will to a certain extent in this program, you know, um or you know, in in alcoholism like it'll last us just just so long, right? And some people it will not last them very long at all. Other people they can like hold out miserable for a while you know before before the insanity returns.

Um but with people who have been like in and out in and out in and out for a very very long time. I have felt that those people um I have had more urgency to say we don't have a lot of time to go through this like word by word and have a very like intellectual experience with it. Like, so what my sponsor did early on was help me um highlight like specific paragraphs that were the key elements of steps one, two, and three um so that I could get somebody through in like a day or an hour and a half, you know?

And um I remember feeling very like important when I had that urgency. So like, oh, this is somebody that needs God now and like feeling like very important and very excited about it and just feeling very useful. an amazing feeling.

Um, unfortunately, most of my experiences where I've done that, the person has not returned after step four um have not come back. But, you know, that's the other thing like I'm not responsible for other people doing the work. What I'm responsible for is the laying is the making it available part.

Like it's my it's my job to lay the spiritual toolkit at the feet of somebody. And my sponsor says this beautiful thing. Um he says that uh you know the reason why it's worded that way is because the only way this thing is going to work is if that person has the willingness to bend down and pick it up, you know, and that's that's the way that it is.

And I tend to not be a very like hardcore sponsor because my experience was that I didn't need somebody to like whip me into shape. Like when I was done, I was done and I was desperate and I was willing to do anything that I had to do and I was like running around. My first sponsor wasn't even an alcoholic.

She was a social worker that was hired by the program that I worked in. But there's um there's this part I think is in a vision for you too where this guy moves to a city and he's and he's overwhelmed by the number of people who are alcoholic. And so he goes to one of the top doctors who treat alcoholics and say, "Hey, listen.

I have this I have this method that's really working. Why don't you try it out?" And the doctor was like, "Okay, cuz I'm baffled by you idiots. So So whatever you got, I'll try it." you know, and she was, you know, she was not armed with facts about herself, but she was armed with facts about alcoholism.

She saved my life. She saved my life. And um I don't remember where I was going with that or why I started.

Does anybody No, you're all thinking about the football game. I'm a good chase tonight. >> When you were done, you were done.

>> Oh, right. Right. Right.

I was desperate. Thank you, Genevieve. I'm back on track.

Um, I was really desperate, you know, and that doesn't mean that I haven't had like lots of recurrences of self-will and things that I haven't wanted to hold on to, but I mean, I was I was pretty much got accustomed to chasing my sponsors around, you know, and um, so I tend I I try to be honest and clear and straightforward with sponses, but I mean, if you have another way that's going to work for you, then do it. And if you don't, then call me. I mean, that's pretty much how it is because I know when I'm working too hard with a spontaney when my throat starts to hurt because I'm straining and I'm doing all the work and I don't need to work that hard.

You know, it's like if you are ready and you want to do this thing like here it is. We can get down to the bottom of any situation in your life. We have a spiritual solution for any any situation or problem that you could ever face.

Let's do it. But you've got to be willing to to to want to go there, you know, and um and that's been a hard thing for me working with others is meeting people where they are. And how do I like maintain service and maximum helpfulness to somebody um instead of just like shutting them out because like, oh well, you're not willing so I'm going to shut you out.

Like how do I how do I stay helpful to somebody where they are? because I wasn't always and and yes, I was I was desperate and I was done, but like before that happened, like I needed some work, you know, in order to like get to that place. And there were people that were so patient with me.

And I mean, they they they were continuously willing to show up and and work with me where I was so long as I was putting my hand out for help. even if that wasn't the time that I was really ready, you know, even if it was just one of those times when I just I didn't want to be miserable anymore, but I wasn't ready to do the work, you know, they stayed there for me. And so that's been something for me in sponsorship, too, that I've like I maybe can't spend all of my time focused on this person who's like obviously not willing, but I can maintain love and openness in that relationship so that I don't destroy a future chance of being helpful to somebody.

You know, that's like that's been a situation that I've come up against. Um, and my sponsor has another metaphor that I want to talk about because I really love it. And um, it it it has to do with like the whole God-sized hole thing and the whole service to others.

Um, you know, he says that like our soul I'm going to totally botch this, but he says that our soul is like a big pot of soup. And, um, I guess for our whole life, we've been thinking that like there's not enough and we're not going to have enough and we're like we suffer because of that. But when we wake up, you know, spiritually, we like go through the steps and we wake up and we have a spiritual awakening.

Um, we like go back to the soup and we see what's going on and the soup is actually overflowing. And like that's what's causing all the pain. There's like too much soup and it's making a big mess everywhere.

And um, all we have to do is like the problem is never ever that we've had too little. The problem is always that we've had too much. and all we have to do is like stay by the pot with a ladle and and pour it into bowls and give it to people, you know, and like give it away and like feed people.

Um, I really like that that metaphor, but that's essentially it's like what we do on a daily basis. Like when our spirits wake up, you know, and we're here in this body, like we're by the soup and like all we have to do it's like our our suffering comes because like we think we don't have enough and we're using people and we're totally selfish and we're miserable, but it we actually have a perfect amount. We actually have enough to go around.

So, it's just like that shift of perception and that shift of consciousness that happens with us. Um and and aside for sponsorship, you know, that that is potential all throughout the day there in the 11th step in the book, it says each each and every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. How can I best serve thee?

Thy will not mine be done. And so what I literally do, and I don't know if this is like the right way to do that, but when I'm in a situation and I remember that line, I go, "Okay, God, like how can I serve God right now?" which really means like how can I serve the people around me you know and if I'm at work perfect perfect you know place for that to happen you know I worked in restaurants for a long time and that was like the service industry so it would be something simple as like I'm going to help the bus boys like I'll go get the picture of water and I'll bring water around you know or or I remember one time I used to be like freaked out to like bring alcohol to the table and then I realized like that's my service like that is my service at work to like help other people to have a nice time. And if the waiter's busy and I'm like afraid of the bottle, then like there's something going on in my spiritual condition.

If the waiter's busy and the bottle is standing by the bar, I can take that bottle and bring it to the table and help this person out. And and when I looked at it like that, it like totally changed everything. Um and and whatever whatever like literal thing that I can do around me is like how I can like meet God and like serve God and serve other people like in the moment, you know, doing dishes after dinner, like simple stuff like that.

Um, but there's like a really powerful line in the book that says, "Our con our very lives as ex-prom drinkers depend upon our constant thought of others and how we can help meet their needs." So, I'm I'm literally like in morning meditation, this idea of like, God, please show me what I can do today for the man who's still sick. Things in my life are like good and harmonious and enjoyable to the extent that I treat them as an opportunity to be helpful to somebody. Because usually what happens is if I'm not doing that then I'm like looking I have an expectation on somebody to like do something for me or like fall back into like my selfish patterns and um and when I get out of the way um and and look at and look at things as essentially just like service opportunities throughout the day.

It's like that's when like I feel the presence of God, you know. Um the idea that like uh the third step promises like when we sincerely took such a position that we were going to turn our will in our life over to the care of God all sorts of remarkable things happened. We found ourselves more interested in what we can contribute to life less interested in our own plans and ideas.

My experience was I didn't sincerely take any sort of position on on giving my life over to God until I was active in 4 through9. you know, my like third step promises didn't really come true until I like proceeded through the rest of the inventory. Um, but uh but yeah, just the idea today that like God is my employer and like God will provide what I need if I stay close to God and do God's work, which is usually goes back to like how can I be helpful to people?

Um, and I recently just got hired at uh at the job that I really wanted to work at. And it was so interesting because um I didn't think that they were going to call me back. And and I and I don't think God works like Santa Claus.

I don't think like, oh, well, if I'm good, then God will reward me with things. But it just so happens that when I'm like when I'm clearing the way to be a functioning member and I'm showing up to life and I have a motive of like being helpful and loving, like I really do get taken care of. I really get taken care of.

And like the week that that this company called me back for for uh for to come in for a first interview was full of service. I mean I was just starting this workshop. Um the first time I did this I I spoke at another meeting right afterward.

I was in a I was in Lana's fifth step for four days in a row. Uh it was my anniversary. I mean just like I just like full of like love and full of service to others and um and like I didn't have to like make sure that like my life happened.

Do you know what I mean? Like I had taken the action. I had showed up at the place and then I had gone and like put my attention back on like where it really needs to be and um you know and and that got taken care of and that was really beautiful.

Um, I think uh another cool experience that I had um I was like uh with my cousin. I wanted to talk about this for some reason. I was with my cousin and she was she was talking about some sort of meditation and um I was like I was telling her my experience and I kept on talking about like oh yeah well I use like self-examination exercises and like what I'm talking about is inventory.

like I'm talking about like step four, you know, and um and I'm telling about this self-examination and she's like uh she's like, "Sarah, like what are these like the self the self-examination thing? It sounds so interesting. Like what are you what are you talking about that?" And and I was like, "Well, essentially it's like it's like the 12 steps.

Like that's what I'm talking about." And she was like, "Yeah, but you make the 12 steps look so cool and sound so interesting." And I was like, "Really? That's awesome. >> >> you know, because like that's exactly what we're supposed to do here, you know?

That's what we're doing here. Um, and this idea that like we might be the only Big Book that anybody ever seen and and it's like but but like what that really means is like how am I living my life? You know, how am I It's like when somebody finds out that I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, what kind of opinion are they going to have about Alcoholics Anonymous?

you know, um, if I walk around miserable and suffering and angry and I'm beating people up or I'm cursing out and I'm totally inappropriate and outrageous and then I tell somebody, "Oh yeah, I'm a sober member of AA." They're not going to want to come to AA. They're going to be like, "Ah, might as well keep drinking then. I'd rather be drunk." You know, but but when I tell people that I'm in AA, you know, what what kind of impression of this program are they going to have?

Is it gonna be something attractive, you know, or is it gonna or are they gonna want to stay away? And um and and and that's like to know that I was like an attractive member of this fellowship and that I'm like giving it the respect that it deserves in that way is like so amazing. Um, and I'm like, Alcoholics Anonymous changed my life, like saved my life, like is the reason for everything that I have because I used to be I I used to be a completely different person.

Like the like the term psychic change, we don't say it that much. You know, we we say spiritual awakening like a lot more, but the term psychic change is so appropriate. Like I really feel that my mind is different and part of it might be growing up but but a lot of it is like the power of God doing for me what I cannot do for myself on a daily basis.

Um cuz I am not the same girl that I was. I mean I was a horrible I was a horrible monster and um and and I'm like fairly useful and like fairly content today, you know. And that's like that's like outrageous.

Like part of the reason why I was having like a difficult time kind of like thinking about what I wanted to say was because like I really do feel like fulfilling emptiness, you know? I really do just feel kind of like I'm just here. I'm just present.

I'm just with you guys. Um and and that's really amazing. Um I think there was some other stuff in terms of helping others that I wanted to talk about.

Um, I'm not sure. I just like I can't stress enough that like without um like without a connection to a power greater than myself, like I'm useless, you know? And it's not it's really not me that does anything, you know?

It's like it's like my experience. Um, but the idea that like I can't transmit something that I don't have is like really important to me because I was like sponsoring people in AA and I had no idea really what to tell them. Like I was not quite yet a person armed with facts about myself, you know?

And uh when I got to that part in the book with my sponsor and my sponsor said, "What are the facts about yourself?" And the facts about myself are that um I have an allergy to alcohol. You know, like the the the doctor's opinion is that we suffer from an allergy. When I start drinking, I can't stop.

But the real powerlessness and the real hopelessness about that is that I always start. I can't not start, you know. And then also that like I have a spiritual malady which makes my uh sobriety so unbearable that my mind will continue to tell me over and over again that it's a good idea to drink or whether it's a good idea or not.

I just don't care. I'm drinking, you know. Um like those those are the facts about myself.

And um and I didn't have those for a long time. Um and the reason why having those is so important is because once I had them, it changed my relationships to steps two through 12, you know. Um, and I think Dr.

Baba had the same experience. Bill Wilson, he had he had been trying to apply spiritual principles to recover from alcoholism and it wasn't working. You know, he kept drinking.

And when Bill showed up and and explained to him what his alcoholism was and what it meant, he was like, "Oh, darn. I better do this." you know, he pursued the rest of the spiritual ideas, you know, with the book says, a willingness that he had never before been able to muster. And when I really got down with the hopelessness of my alcoholism, I was like, I better get serious about steps 2 through 12.

Like, I better get these in my life in a way that they're not quite. I literally remember sitting with a sponsy saying, yeah, I don't really understand the allergy thing or the powerlessness over alcohol. I mean, I don't really get it.

And like I heard somebody say at a meeting once that like once you start drinking you can't control how you drink, but as long as there's no alcohol in your system, you can decide not to put it there. And I was like, "Oh, that makes sense. I'll I'll listen.

I'll I'll do that, you know, or I'll I'll think that, you know, and I was like so kind of vague and like all of my sponsorship was like a Hail Mary. I was just like thinking like maybe if I just like sit here and we read the book together, it's like we're it's like we're going through it at the same time, you know. Um but like I don't know like my experience with God in that sense was like God didn't like, you know, appear as like a third person like explaining things to us.

It wasn't it didn't happen. You know, I didn't get it. They didn't get it.

And I don't know. I hope I didn't hurt anybody with my ignorance, but I um yeah, having my own house in order was crucial to really be effective and helpful, you know, to people. And I found myself when people like after I had like been like um pretty stable in in the step process with my sponsor when people were coming to me with situations, I was finding myself knowing what questions to ask them, finding I was finding myself knowing how to direct and and the conversation and knowing how to pinpoint maybe what was going on and knowing and recognizing being familiar with the character defect or with the fear or whatever and like having some experience being free of that myself and being able to say like okay like to go back into the darkness and then walk back into the light like together.

Like I knew that I knew that path and it was like so important and uh this idea that like I can't get rid of my selfishness without God's help, you know. Um and uh Oh yeah. So I was going to talk about like other forms of service like chairing meetings and I mean I chair my home group and um I have like a kind of H&I commitment.

It's at an alternative high school. It's really cool. It's a place just like I was at before I got sent away to long-term rehab place.

Um, but it's like specializes with kids with mental health and substance abuse and I bring a um a meeting into that facility every Friday and like these um like like those things or like if I had a coffee commitment or something like like like the fact that I chair a meeting and that I have like the service commitment are like really important but I don't believe that that's like the extent that my service needs to be in AA like I need to be actively working with sponses like I need to be sitting with people and have the book in front of me and be going through this like all the time. And right now I'm I'm like not in the forwards with anybody. And I'm like feel like I need to be, you know, I have like a lot of people that are like pass the inventory and like in 9 and 10, which is like awesome because like I used to never be able to get that far with the spons, but I'm like not in the forwards with anyone right now.

And like that's that's that's a really good place for an alcoholic like me to be, you know, working with people. And um I feel like that is the that is like if we were going to have like a dinner plate that had like a balanced meal. I don't know.

That's probably like broccoli and chicken and and potato or something like that. That's like a pretty balanced meal. It's like the chicken and the potato are sponsorship and uh and the broccoli completes it, but it's it's it's the other forms of service for me, you know?

So it's like without that stuff like my service picture is not complete. But like, boy, I really I need like I need the hardy stuff, you know, and um and and for me that's really like strenuous work and um and there's this part also that I related to recently. We're going through it in my home group.

Um we were just uh it it it came out from a vision for you, but we were talking about Bill Wilson's experience in the hotel lobby. Um and uh when he was um hearing the chatter and the drinking in the bar and think and his business deal had just gone south and he was feeling kind of hopeless and he was thinking that maybe he wanted to drink and um and I love that when he got the inspiration to go to the phone booth and call and call anybody looking for an alcoholic in that town, he said that his sanity returned and he thanked thanked God, you know, and that really was like God working in his life doing for him what he couldn't do for himself. But the deal is like Bill Wilson didn't call his sponsor in that moment.

He didn't call his support group in that moment. He didn't he didn't call his mom and dad, you know, he didn't call somebody and say, "Hey, comfort me. I need help." He reached below him, you know.

He reached out to the next person that needed even more help than he did and he said, "I've got to carry this message to somebody and I've got to um and I've got to be helpful to somebody who needs who needs help, you know." And he got, I think, 10 names, you know, from that phone book or from whoever he called. Other people will know the the his sister. Yeah, his sister.

And he it wasn't until the last name that somebody put him in touch. I think her name was Henrietta and she put him in touch with uh with Dr. Bob, you know what I mean?

He just like he called all 10 people. Um you know, and I love that like throughout the day like if I'm feeling tripped up in self, it's I mean it's not always sometimes I mean I always if I'm like disturbed and there's something going on like I have to I have to take inventory cuz I'm I'm powerless over alcohol, you know, and I need to make sure that my house is clean. But it's it's about me reaching out.

You know, I was like having this obsession like a couple weeks ago and I was like really in it. And my friend gently reminded me, she said, "The problem is not that you just did that thing. The problem is that you are still thinking about it.

Go help somebody." And I was like, "Oh yeah, awesome." Um, and I just had something that I wanted to say. Okay, got it. Um, going back to the way that like being armed with facts about myself is like enables me to be helpful to other people.

Um uh God has presented me with opportunities to be helpful wherever I am, you know, and um and like my focus when I go to meetings is not anymore about what I can get from the meeting. It's not, oh boy, I need a meeting cuz I really need to share cuz I feel awful. Um, you know, I wouldn't restrict myself from like dumping at a meeting if I was that crazy and I really needed to do that.

But my my focal point in meetings today is not um, you know, getting relief from them. Um, I don't really get relief from meetings. What I get is connection to the fellowship.

And um the best way that I can approach connection to the fellowship is when I go to meetings and I'm really listening and I'm like looking for people that maybe need help, you know, cuz cuz when I'm really in the meeting and I'm focusing and I'm listening, I can tell like who has a spiritual solution in their life and who doesn't and like whether or not somebody's like in enough pain to like want to talk to me about it after the meeting, you know? But I I I kind of like have that focus when I go to meetings. Um and and that's really awesome and that's enabled me to like follow up after the meeting and to like be helpful and I had a really cool experience.

Um I was in Illinois visiting my boyfriend's family and um it was like such a great week because I was like focused on other people in general. Like I was focused on being with his family and I was focused on being there for them and I was focused on like connecting with them and I was in just a general mindset of like thinking of others. Um, and the same with the same with meetings.

And we went to this one meeting in southern Illinois and there was a woman who shared and she touched me so much that I mean I don't know if I said this out loud to my boyfriend or not and I don't know if I've shared this here before. I apologize if I'm repeating myself but I literally said to myself or someone, she's the one. That's the one you know.

And um and I walked up to her after the meeting and I it was Wednesday and I was there Saturday and I just felt so convicted. It's like and this is not me. This is not I'm not like virtuous.

Like I'm I'm the opposite of virtuous. But when I when I have a higher power working in my life, I find myself doing all sorts of foreign alien things that feel really supern normal because they're actually like in they're like true to my spiritual nature, right? Like this is who I really was meant to be the whole time.

I just had this very backwards way of like waking up my spirit through alcohol. Um, and now, um, and now this is just kind of like the natural existence that I have, uh, you know, when I'm taking care of my spirit and, um, and allowing it to move through me. And, uh, and I went up to her and I just I just, you know, I extended my hand and I and I laid out some spiritual tools and like she picked them up and we like did the first three steps the next day, you know, like I was like going fishing with my boyfriend and she was like, "What do you want me to do?" And I was just like, "Read this part and this part and this part.

Write down what you think they're saying and write down what your experience with those things are." And uh we'll go over it when I get there. And we like covered the first three steps. And then I like showed her how to write an inventory.

And and we like started to go over that. And this is like in southern Illinois. She's like one of my very good friends now.

We talk all the time. And I I kind of handed her off to her sponsor after that. Um me realizing that I'm not the only pe the only person that can be helpful to somebody in AA is also really important.

You know, this like panic that I feel is like very egotistical. Like I am not the only person in AA that can be helpful to somebody and I need to trust that like God is showing up in their life. And if I'm the person that's supposed to be helpful to them, I will be.

But not to like impose and like, you know, from this place of fear say, "Well, I have to be the one to do it or else they're going to get the wrong message." Like that's really uh that's really prideful of me to think that that's true. Um, so I just handed her off to her sponsor and I stayed in touch, you know, to be her friend. And just like the opportunity to be helpful to people no matter where I go.

Um, also like educating people on what alcoholism is is like a super important part of my life. Like anybody who has enough interest that wants to listen to me, I will go on and on and on because I feel like, you know, like this whole like the chapter 2 employers, you know what I mean? It's I mean so much of like I guess like the problem is like people not understanding what the illness is, you know, and um people can go through rehabs and all of these things and still not understand what the illness is.

And that's okay. It's not my job to be critical of that, but I as you know a recovered member of this program get to like be the educator and I get to like share this information with anybody. And so something that I do in the high school that I take the meeting in um you know I uh I coach um the people who speak to be informational um as well as experiential.

So they are to talk about what alcoholism is and how AA is designed to treat it. Um and then what their personal experience with that process looks like. So that way it's like we let the kids know um I think I've like verbalized this to them.

Even if they themselves are not alcoholics, they become armed with facts about what alcoholism is. So they have an uncle or a father or a brother who one day comes to them and says, "I can't stop drinking." They're like, "Oh, I kind of like took this class thing on that once. Like I like I think I know I think I know what you need to do." You know?

Um, and I think it's like really important to inform anybody who wants to listen about what alcoholism really is, cuz there's so many misconceptions. Um, and again, like we started step one for a reason. I can't tell you how my relationship to AA changed when I understood that I was hopeless and that I was going to drink no matter what and that this thing would kill me if I didn't, you know, if I didn't hire a spiritual bodyguard uh to help me out.

Um but yeah, you know, service to others, focus on others, thinking of others. It um it's it's really important for me to keep that in in the center and the focus of my life and I don't always, right? And it's also like I have a life, you know, that I need to show up and live.

But like this principle of service to others is something that I can bring to any and all situation that I could ever be in. So it's not even just restricted to like working with a spons like those things have their own appropriate times. But even if I'm doing something that's like not service related like if I'm in class or if I'm on a project my focal point in that situation can still be you know being a vessel of love and service.

And the way that I do that is just by like hopefully remembering that that's my function. that's like my real function and shooting up a prayer to God saying or shooting in a prayer to God saying, "Hey, you know, help me to help me to be considerate of others, you know, and help me to be, you know, kind and loving and of service in this in this situation that I'm in." Um, and and I definitely don't do that perfectly, but, you know, I try to think about it. Um, I keep on having these brilliant ideas, people, and then they just keep leaving.

Um, let's see if it comes back to me and then I'll um so uh the part in there is a solution where it says none of us makes a solocation of this work nor do we think that its effectiveness would be increased if we did. We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations, and affairs.

All of us spend much of our spare time in the sort of effort we which we are going to describe. A few are fortunate enough to be so situated that they can give nearly all their um time to the work. Okay.

So, so it's saying all of us spend much of our time, you know, working with others. Um, but a few of us are fortunate enough to give nearly all of their time. And so I really really know like when God is working through me with espansi when I'm feeling fortunate to be able to help them and to be there with like when I'm feeling like so lucky and like yes like this is the only place that I want to be and like I'm feeling connected to them and I'm like on fire for them being on fire and I want them to get better and I have like love in my heart like I really know that that's like God working through me and that's when I'm having like a good day with helping others and I'm like spiritually fit and it's like a good gauge for me like when I'm helping somebody.

If I on the other hand feeling like this person is just couldn't be worse and I'm tired and I want to go home and and all of these things like then I know like all right like my self-will is like cropping up like hardcore. Um and uh and um you know trying to like pray for the elimination of that selfishness. Um, also like there's so much there's so much stuff in here about working with others and like being of service and like fitting ourselves to be a maximum service like way before the chapter working with others.

Like it's so important that we start hearing about it like way early in the book. And when I started studying the book, I started realizing that like like just all like the little anecdotes of like how as soon as somebody like worked the steps, they like started asking that they could like share their experience with other people or um the people uh you know the authors of the book were saying like we are we would be interested to hear from those who get results from this book particularly those who have commenced work with other alcoholics. It's just like it presses it presses in us like the whole time that like when we have this experience we have to go help somebody else to have this experience.

Like it's part of it like nowhere in the 12 steps is it like and now go ask somebody for help. That's a very important part of my sobriety and like my support group like asking for help and experience. the direction for the suffering alcoholic is to give somebody help, to offer this help to somebody else, to try to carry this message, you know, and and the idea of like practicing the principles in all of my affairs.

um like showing up for my family, like showing up for my relationship, showing up for school, like like and and this is not everybody's experience, but my experience is that those things are just as much a you know, as um as actual like a meeting over a sponsy, you know, um me showing up fully being of service and bringing a spirit of joy in in at home and with my boyfriends and like making time for these things are are just as much AA to me as um as like an actual meeting or like working with a sponsi and um I just feel very strongly about the fact that I like destroyed relationships when I was drinking. Um my best friend um I like got ripped out of her life when I was like 15. Um, and she like she had spent all of her time like investing her like relationship energy like in her relationship with me.

I was her best friend. I was like her sister practically. And then all of a sudden like at 15 years old, like what a ripe age for like a teenage girl.

Like I'm gone and she's left like oh my gosh, what like like who do I talk to now? you know, and like at 15, like when she's already established, like having to like establish new relationships. And not that those things are necessarily my responsibility, but I left her out to dry, you know, like my drinking took me away from her.

And um and I disappeared out of her life. And then my fear of people, places, and things kept me away from her when she was just like a sweet girl like trying to like be my friend and be in my life. And I was like, "Oh, I spoke to her when I used to drink, so she's an old person, so I so it's dangerous.

so I have to stay away. Like that caused so much harm in my relationship with her and I really had to like make amends. She was like trying to find me on Facebook and I like blocked her just cuz I was terrified, you know.

I thought that she was going to like pull me back into hell and and that was just so not the case. Um, you know, and there was a there was just like a specific instance where I was getting ready to go to a meeting. I don't know if it was officially my home group yet or whatever.

And I was about to go and all of a sudden she started talking about something and she was like she was like in a lot of pain and I felt like she really needed help and I'm like here I like want to go to the meeting and I was like getting I was like about to gather my stuff and like she even I even told her that I had to leave and something in my heart said you need to stay and you need to like lay out for this girl like some of the tools that have helped you. Um you need to be here for her right now. She really needs you.

And um I didn't know if that was the right decision or not. Like I didn't know if that was the best thing for me to do or if that was me like like not putting AA first. But there was something very strongly in my heart that told me that like she needed me to be there and that I wasn't there for such a long time and that the reason why I do AA and why I am so active in Alcoholics Anonymous is so that I can have a life and show up for those other relationships, you know.

And she was going on and on about this thing that was like really causing her a lot of pain. and I was able to listen and be there for her and like lay out some of the tools that we have here. She doesn't have a community like we have.

You know, a lot of people in the outside world don't have like a support group of people they can go to or like a program of steps they can follow to get out of any situation that might ever cause them pain and be happy, joyous, and free. Like they don't have that, but we have it, you know? So we can like we can be like instruments of peace in that way and instruments of joy and instruments of love and we can show up and we can tell other people the great news, you know, that even if you don't have alcoholism, our way of life has its benefits for all.

You know, here's a way how to not suffer. Awesome, right? >> And uh and I got to be there for her that night.

And and you know what? I didn't drink. I wasn't in pain.

I'm sure the meeting understood there was somebody else. And um and I really feel strongly about like about like showing up in my family and uh and like being the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous cuz it's easy to sit in meetings and to talk about this stuff. Um and uh but that's like um that's like the starting point, you know?

I think it's like really really important to be like living this at home. And I can't tell you how many nights I've had to like humbly go into my mother's room and say, "Mom, I'm sorry that I shouldn't have said that to you. I'm really sorry." Or if or if not like verbally if like my words and my apology starts getting overdone like really like deeparted praying like help me not to snap like please take my self-centerness, you know?

Um, but like really being like a different person in my relationships and practicing these principles and those affairs I think is like a super important part of of helping others. So anyway, helping others is like everything. And I don't know if I even covered what I needed to, but I tried my best to share my experience with you guys on like what it currently looks like and what it has looked like in the past.

Um, and just again, I think I'm gonna stop now, but I just want to say thank you so much for the opportunity to be here and to just like be in community and to be in solution with you guys. And it's been really beautiful to meet you all, and I hope to come back for the other awesome people that are going to come after me. That's it.

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Until next time, have a great day.