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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. I was just listening to her and I was thinking, is she talking about me?

Um, so I might start crying right now. My name is Shelley Darren and I'm a recovered alcoholic. >> Hi guys.

That's not my name. I got married. Um anyway, my sobriety date is July 14th of 2001, and I am unbelievably grateful for that.

Um because I am somebody who should have been dead on July 14th of 2001. And I was just sitting here thinking because I'm weepy and I am pregnant. I am seven and a half months pregnant, but I was weepy before this.

I'm I've been a crybaby my whole life. Um because I was dying of alcoholism when I got here. I was 22 years old and I was physically dying of alcoholism.

And so anytime I'm asked to share, I get really weepy because I'm a charity case. And I was just sitting here looking around the room thinking there are 700 people here who should not be breathing today. And um so I have a lot to be grateful for.

And then all those things Amanda said, is that my life? I have a lot to be grateful for. So most importantly, I'm grateful for my relationship with God and for that sobriety date.

And um so um I I'm from Arkansas. I want to just get that clear. I um I currently live in New Hampshire, but um born and raised in Little Rock.

I got sober right here in Hot Springs. And my heart is here. And a my heart is here and so is my mommy.

Um so I was really, really, really excited when Pete called and asked me if I would come home and do this. Um I was like, "Hell yes. August, here we come.

Um, so this is actually my first old granddad convention ever. I, uh, I moved in New Hampshire over four years ago, which was the first year that it came back to Hot Springs. And, um, so I've never been here for it.

So, I'm really grateful. I'm very, very, very grateful to be here. Um, I had a moment this morning where I panicked and I thought, "Crap, I haven't figured out what my story is.

I have like 60 seconds to figure out what my story is." Because that's my human reaction to fear. I have to figure this out. I have to get my hand in it and I have to manage it and I have to figure out what I'm going to do with it.

And I'm really grateful for the thought that comes behind that, which is um I have a relationship with God today that saved my life from a deadly disease. And that's my story. And um I'm hopefully going to fill the next few minutes telling y'all some details about that story.

But that's the punchline. That's the moral. Um I've had a I've developed a relationship with God through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I no longer suffer from the disease of alcoholism.

I'm no longer dying of the disease of alcoholism today. Um I'm a free woman and um I hope that a day not a day goes by that I ever forget that because I haven't forgotten that yet. And so you know I um I don't have my big book with me which throws me completely.

My big book fell apart and I have a dear friend who's a book binder and he took it from me and as soon as he got in his car and drove away I was like oh no. Um, but I I I feel naked without my book because that's my instruction manual and that's what got me from where I was on July 14th of 2001 to where I am today. This is my instruction manual on how to find God.

And um, everything in this book that I've put into place in my life has worked. Not one suggestion, not one step, not one bit of action has failed me yet. And um God has never let me down on a single thing.

So if you're sitting here today and you're wondering um do I belong here? Do I want this? Is God really going to do anything for me?

Do I even know who God is? Because those are the things I was thinking when I got here. Um I can tell you that my experience is that God has delivered 100% on everything he promised he would.

And I haven't I haven't done 50% of the, you know, this is not a 50-50 relationship because I'm I can't do 50%. God does way more than than his half. So, um my story is that I was born into a family with a lot of love and um there was a lot of alcoholism in my family and there was a lot of um dysfunction in my family.

Um, but there was a lot of love in my family. And for a really long time, I thought what was wrong with me when I was a kid, this is I'm talking long before I ever picked up my first drink. I thought what was wrong with me was that there were problems at home.

It was my parents fault. It was my father's fault for his alcoholism. It was that it was somebody else's fault.

And um, you know, in retrospect, I had a pretty amazing childhood and I was a pretty good kid. Um, but there was a lot of love in my family. And so, you know, the thing the things that I never questioned were that my parents loved me.

Um, long before I ever picked up my first drink though, I hated my own guts and and I don't really have a good reason for that. Um, from as far back as I can remember, the very first thoughts I ever had of Shelly that were the conscious thoughts that I can remember of how I felt about myself were that I wasn't a very good person. I was a bad person.

I had bad thoughts and bad intentions and bad motives. And um, if you really knew what was going on in here, then you wouldn't like me. And I just thought I was a bad person.

And that's what I saw when I looked in the mirror. And that's what I felt when I breathed in my own skin. And so, um, when I picked up my first drink when I was 15, um, I got relief from that, plain and simple.

I drank because it made me feel better because it quieted all that nonsense in my head that said, "You're a bad person and you're never going to amount to anything. And if people really knew who you were, then they wouldn't want anything to do with you and you're so full of it anyway." The first time I ever picked up a drink, that all just shushed. And um, I didn't pick up a drink.

It wasn't like a premeditated drink. It wasn't something that I was like waiting until 15 and now we're going to do it. It was just what was happening in that moment.

And I will tell you guys that because of the because of the alcoholism in my family, long before I even understood what alcoholism was, I swore I was not going to drink like my father. I'm not going to be an alcoholic. Didn't really know what that meant, but I'm not going to be like him.

Um, and so I was 15 years old and there was nothing better to do on a Saturday night. And we drank and um I drank strawberry daiquiries, frozen strawberry, not frozen strawberry dairies because there was too much liquor in them. So it was this pink blender and um made with cheap liquor.

And I had two girlfriends with me and and all three of us had a little glass and we all took a sip and it was so gross. My other two girlfriends immediately put that drink back down and they were like, "No, thank you. I'll have something else, please.

That's really gross." And uh I finished my glass and I finished both of their glasses and then I finished the blender. And then I was finished. And um and and that's the story of how I started drinking.

And I didn't intend to get drunk. But what happened when I took that first drink once I got past the it it tasted like hairspray and I swallowed it right down. And uh everything got really warm and everything got really quiet and I took a deep breath and when I breathed out I felt tall and strong and okay.

And the doctor's opinion describes that as ease and comfort and that's why I drank. And I could spend a lot of time telling you what the next seven years of my life looked like but that's why I drank for the next seven years because I wanted to just be able to breathe and feel okay. and liquor was the only thing that I ever found that would quiet everything else that was going on and just make it okay.

Um, I got very drunk that first night. I spent most of the night on the floor because I never and I and for seven years I never learned how to be graceful. I fell down a lot.

Lots of battle wounds and scars. Um, but I blacked out that night too. And um I never knew until I got sober that blacking out was not normal.

Um I wish that I didn't black out when I drank and I used to beat myself up for blacking out when I drank. But I thought that that happened to everybody, you know. I didn't realize cuz I just didn't really have a conception for what it looked like if you didn't drink the way I drank.

So I used to beat myself up. I thought it was a character flaw. I didn't realize that it's um alcohol toxicity.

when you drink the way I drink, you will black out. And um I didn't understand any of that until I came here and y'all described the phenomenon of craving to me. That's why I black out because when I start drinking, I can't stop.

So I blacked out a lot for seven years. There are big chunks of time of my life that are completely missing. Um and so I uh you know, I was in junior high.

No, I think I'm Yeah, I was finishing junior high, went into high school, went to college, didn't do well. Um I went to five colleges. I uh I moved a lot.

Um I started moving when I was in high school cuz it was like I'm all done here. I need to go somewhere else and do something different. And you know, in retrospect, the wreckage that I created wasn't even that big or that bad.

But I couldn't stand to be in my own skin with you looking at me in my own skin when I already judged myself the way I judged myself and then I behaved the way I behaved and then y'all had good reason to judge me. I just needed to wipe that slate clean and go somewhere else. So, I did that a lot.

I went to three different high schools. Um, and then I went to college until it got bad. And then I went to a different college until it got bad.

And, um, what it looked like for seven years. And my disease was very progressive, but it started pretty bad. Um, it started bad and it just got way worse.

And what it looked like um was that I mean I was a college student. Of course I'm going to go out. Of course I'm going to go out.

Everybody goes out. Everybody parties in college. But what I wasn't doing that everybody else was doing was getting up the next morning and going to class or holding down a job or returning phone calls to their parents or keeping their checking account in the positive.

Um and my life became completely unmanageable. It's just is really all it is. When I drink, everything else falls away because I can't manage the decision not to pick up that next drink or that first drink or the drink I'm going to have tomorrow.

And so everything else in my life falls away because I can't balance it all because when I start drinking, nothing else in the world is as important as getting the next drink. And so I drank violently for seven years. Um I I I swear to God I'm going to be at work tomorrow morning.

I swear to God I'm going to write this paper and turn it in on time. Uh, I swear to God, I'm gonna come home tonight, Mom. When I was home for Christmas, I promise I'll be home tonight.

And, um, I was never able to make good on any of the things I intended to do because once I started drinking, I couldn't stop. And towards the end of my drinking, what it looked like was that I would swear I wasn't even going to go out tonight. I swear I'm not even going to I'm not even going to get near it tonight.

I'm going to stay home. And then I'd be like, "Okay, maybe I'll go and I'll drive. It's way beyond my turn to be the driver.

I'll drive tonight. And then I'd get there and I'd say, you know what? I'm only going to have one.

And then I would come out of a blackout 3 days later. That's what the end of my drinking looked like. Um because I have absolutely no control.

I'm completely powerless over what happens when I put a drink in my body. And um I I used to wake up every morning to those hideous four horsemen that they describe in a vision for you. And I could not live in my own skin.

And even though I woke up every morning with the firm resolve, I swear to God, I'm never going to do this again. I am never going to do this again. Today is going to be different.

I am not going to do that again. I couldn't live in my own skin because it was so uncomfortable. So, I picked up a drink because it made everything and that's what it looked like.

That's what it looked like. That's what seven years only seven years looked like. And I um couldn't have gotten here a day later.

I I'd have been dead. I had a body that was failing. Um, and so, you know, there were a lot of very interesting circumstances that channeled me into Alcoholics Anonymous, none of which were a conscious decision on my part to get sober and make my life okay.

Um, I look back in retrospect and I know that all those things that happened were God. And that's called grace. Getting something I don't deserve.

God just loving me enough to take care of me and to scoop me up in his hands and deliver me into safety. I had a friend that was court-ordered to NA. I had a boyfriend who was in treatment.

I have this I had this really amazing relationship with my grandfather who's been sober for 26 years. And I was telling him about how silly what a silly drunk I was. For the first time in my life, I was being honest with somebody about my drinking.

And all of these things were going on. And he said, "You know, maybe you should check out a meeting." And I was like, "All right, sure thing." The thing I usually forget to tell people is that I had experience in Alanon and Alatine many years prior to that. And um so I wasn't afraid of AA.

I didn't know what AA was or what y'all were going to ask me to do. If I had known that coming to AA and doing this deal meant getting sober, I probably would have never come. But it was that moment where I was conscious of the fact that I was going to die if something didn't happen.

I was completely desperate and willing to do anything. So, I walked into 411 Sellers Street. Um, prettiest building in the whole wide world.

It was a smoky building then, too. Um, and I went to meetings for like two weeks before I ever even picked my head up, you know, and looked anybody in the eye. I used to run um before when we would get up at the end of the meeting to hold hands and pray.

I would just run out the door because I couldn't face people and I couldn't talk to people and I didn't even know what was going on because I was a complete wreck. I was sobering up and it was ugly and it was not comfortable. Um so, you know, but after a few weeks I started feeling a lot better and um because that's what meetings do.

you know, we have a lot of really awesome things to say in meetings. And um I listened to what y'all said as soon as I was able to. And I started feeling better.

And I eventually um got a sponsor and did some of the things that she told me to do. I committed to my home group. I got a couple of service positions.

I got real involved in the fellowship. It was really awesome. I was in this women's meeting every Friday night for many, many, many years.

And I learned how to have healthy and honest relationships with other people. We had girls night and it was a lot of fun and um I and and that was what the first year looked like in Alcoholics Anonymous. I got to tell you that I haven't had a drink since the day I came into AA and I don't know how that happened because I did very little in the first year to earn being sober.

Um but I did all I was capable of doing at that time. I'm clear on that today that I did all I could do, you know. Um, I was just thinking when we were reading how it works that step three says we made a decision to put our lives in God's hands and let it be God's way.

And um, when I came in to Alcoholics Anonymous in the beginning, I was willing to put my drinking problem in something's hands that were bigger than me. But I was not willing to put the rest of my life in anybody's hands and certainly not God's. So, you know, the solution that I experienced the first year I was sober was a very physical solution.

I was very distracted and I was very in love with the fellowship. Um, and I fell in love with Alcoholics Anonymous. And I don't know how I stayed sober is the truth of the matter.

Um, so what happened was when I was a little over a year sober, I got to a jumping off point that I had never been at before. And um, I uh didn't want to drink. I wanted to die.

And for the first time in my entire life, I was I was genuinely suicidal. And had I had the means to put my hands on a gun, it had been over. And I never got that way when I was drinking.

I was never suicidal before I got sober. Um I didn't get suicidal until I was over a year sober, active in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And what happened was I got willing to go to any lengths and then I met somebody who showed me what that looks like.

And um to this day that woman is still my sponsor. And thank God for her. And thank God she understood how necessary working a 12step was for her sobriety and her recovery because it was Thanksgiving.

It was the day after Thanksgiving. Um I was in Texas visiting family. She had family in and she said, "Why don't you meet me at 9:00 am tomorrow morning and we'll get to going." And she spent the entire day after Thanksgiving with me and not with her family taking me through the 12 steps of this program so that I didn't have to die.

And um and that's my experience. And and so what happened in that day was that I had a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps. I learned how to have a relationship with God.

Um, I took action on a number of things. And when I left her that day, that night, it was a very long day. I, uh, I went back home to my family, a different person, a completely different person.

And, um, and so we went through the book and we started at the beginning and um, I understood the disease of alcoholism a little bit. I understood the physical I understood the mental obsession and I understood the physical allergy. I understood, I could see that in my drinking.

I could see how um I had every reason in the world not to pick up that drink and not to drink today and every reason in the world to quit drinking for good and all. Yet, I had no power to live by that. And so, when I got uncomfortable enough and I needed relief, I picked up a drink.

And once I picked up a drink, I had no control over what was going to happen. I had no control over the craving that my body creates. So, I had to have more.

I understood that stuff. What I didn't really understand was what you do about that stuff. Because what I did the first year I was sober was I fixed you and you and you and you and this and I got a steady job and I got a home group and I got a service position and I got a group of girlfriends and um I hung out with my family some and I went to work on time and I think I even went to the doctor a few times and like took care of my body and paid my bills on time and I did all those things.

Oh, I got a boyfriend. I had one when I got here. I kept him.

I tried to fix him. Um, I threw a lot of energy into making it okay out there because somewhere along the way I thought I picked up this idea that what's unmanageable is out there. So, I spent 15 months managing out there and that got me a desire to die.

So, it was it was there was a lot less wreckage at 15 months, but I didn't feel any better. Um, so I understand today that the unmanageability is in here. What happens out there isn't unmanageable.

What happens out there is wreckage as a result of the unmanageability that's in here. Because if I can't manage the decision not to pick up the first drink, whatever's going on out there doesn't stand a chance. So my sponsor explained to me that I have no control over the physical problem.

I got that. That my problem, the problem that needed to be addressed was the mental problem. The doctor's opinion described um the doctor's opinion says that I need to have an entire psychic change.

We had to look up a lot of words in the dictionary because Bill and Dr. Silkworth and everybody else wrote words that I just when I think of psychic, I don't think of my mind. I think of psychic readings.

So, I didn't really know what a psychic change was. So, we, you know, we look up words and I still do that even today. We do that in my home group.

We look up a word every time we get to it. And I've been studying the book for a long time and I still have to look up words cuz my mind can make a mess out of anything. So an entire psychic change, an entire change of the mind.

She said, "That's where your business needs to be, but your problem is that you don't have the power to do that." So we started talking about God. And what I learned was that um I was open to the idea of God because I had to be because I didn't want to die of alcoholism, but I was only open to the idea of God to the extent that he could handle my drink problem. I didn't trust that God could handle the rest of my life to my satisfaction.

So I managed the rest of my life and I let God solve the drink problem. Um and that didn't work out well. And I learned that, you know, what she said and what it says in the book is that these steps are going to fit us for a relationship with God.

And that relationship with God will solve all my problems. Not just my drink problem, but all of my problems. All is a big word.

That's 100%. Every last one of my problems is God's to solve. All of them.

took me a long time to get that because I wanted to be like, "No, no, you can have all those. This one's mine. I'm gonna fix this one the way I want it to be." Um, and that doesn't that doesn't make me feel very good.

So, what we what we figured out if I have a problem in my mind that I can't do anything about and I need this entire psychic change, I have no power to not pick up that drink. I need access to power. And she asked me if I was willing.

And for the first time, I had been open to the idea of God. I I grew up with this idea of God that was very terrifying to me. And I don't I don't really know where I learned that except out there somewhere because my parents didn't teach me that.

And I don't think they said that in my church. But somewhere along the lines, I picked up this idea that God was punishing and that I should be afraid and that God had plans for my life that I may or may not like, but that's the way it was going to be. And so I had a very hard time reconciling myself to this idea that I was going to put my life in that God's hands because I was very afraid of him.

I was very, very afraid of him. And you know, when Darra and I were sitting there that day doing the work, she said, "Are you willing to believe there's a God?" And I said, "I believe there's a God. That's about all I got." Um, and she said, "We've got to put your life in God's hands.

And if you can't put your life in your God's hands, if you don't have an idea of God that works for you, if you can't trust your God with your life, then you need to redefine God. And so until you know how to redefine God, pray to my God because my God is loving, my God is fun, my God takes care of me. And I'm looking at this woman who at the time was like 15 years soberish and she or something, maybe not.

Um, and she had a life that w that looked really beautiful. She was a grandmother and she had a lot of friends and she was well put together. And I thought, you know, God didn't do such a bad job with her.

Maybe it's possible God could not do such a bad job with me. So, for a long time, I prayed to Darra's God because I had a God, an idea of God that I was afraid of. And I can't make a decision to put my life in God's hands when I'm afraid of God.

I tried. It doesn't work. I withhold.

And if I withhold, it's a matter of time before my alcoholism kills me. I need to be able to step 100% fully into the hands of God. So, you know, sobriety beat me into a state of reasonableness around that.

Drinking didn't, but sobriety did. And um so that day I said, "Okay, I'll pray to your God. I'll do whatever I have to do because I really don't want to blow my brains out.

I really don't want to die." Um, so we got on our knees and we prayed and I prayed to put my life in God's hands and for the first time in my life and I prayed before I had taken a third step before I bowed my head in church and listened to what the minister said and all those things. But I don't really ever think I knew how to pray. I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing when I was praying.

And that day when I prayed with her on my knees and I sincerely wanted to put my life in God's hands. I wanted to want to put my life in God's hands. The effect was that I felt God.

For the first time in my life, I prayed sincerely and I felt God. And you know, I'm a see it to believe it kind of girl. I'm a scientist.

I don't have my PhD yet. Maybe someday. Um, but I'm a scientist and I have to be able to put my hands on it.

I need proof. I need to see it. I need to smell it.

I need to touch it. And um that was one of the things that I sort of said to God in the very beginning. If you're there, prove it.

Um and you know, my experience has been that God does and God will and God's okay with that. Um and I forgot what my point was with that. I hate it when that happens.

So, um Oh, I felt God. Yeah. That that was my point because the book promises me that my minimal conception is enough to affect a relationship affect a contact with and start a relationship with God.

And when I was on my knees and I was sincere and I wanted God, I believe God said, "Okay, baby, right here. Can you feel me? I'm right here." And that was my first real experience with God.

And I haven't doubted the existence of God since that day because I felt God. Couldn't see God, but I could feel God. So, um, yeah, I got up off my knees and I, uh, I started my inventory.

I didn't know I was going to do that that day. If she had said, "We're going to get together. We're going to work the steps.

You're going to do an entire inventory at the step today." I'd have been like, "Oh, I can we do this next time?" Um because I got to tell you that I I had some misconceptions around inventory. Um because what I heard in meetings was that inventory is this really horrible process. It's going to make you feel awful.

A lot of people drink. Um it it is going to take a long time to get through it. And um and and she said, "Here are some pages to write on.

I'm going to go make a phone call. You just wave at me when you're done." And I was like, "I'm going to do this right now." And she said, "Well, yeah. what did you think you were going to do today?

And you know, I didn't think that that could be done um because that was not my experience the first time I went I wrote inventory and that wasn't what I heard in meetings. And um we still don't say that in meetings very much. And if you're new or even if you're not new, I'm here to tell you that my experiences I wrote my inventory in 45 minutes and then started a fifth step.

And there are people here today that I've worked with that have written inventory the very same way. And it doesn't have to take a long time. And if you're a real alcoholic like I'm a real alcoholic and your alcoholism is fatal like my alcoholism is fatal, you don't have a long time cuz I didn't have a long time.

And had I not gotten that done in 45 minutes, I believe it would have killed me. If I had left that day and not done that work with her, I believe I would have died. Um because I needed relief.

And all the things I ever knew to do to get relief weren't working anymore. And so so I wrote inventory in 45 minutes. And um you know and then I started a fifth step and in all honesty that's the last time I wrote inventory in a fourth step.

I've done a lot of 10 steps since then but that was a little over eight years ago and that was the last time I had to sit down and write inventory. Um, so you know, I I was really terrified and I heard these things about how you got to do this for the rest of your life. You got to do this every year.

It's just going to keep building up. We have tools in in step 10 specifically so that we don't ever have to sit down and do that again unless you want to. Um, and that was my experience.

So I uh I started to fistep with her and what I found out was the real truth about Shel because I knew I had a selfish problem but I didn't really know much else. And um what I found out in that inventory was what was really standing between me having a relationship with God and that relationship with God that was going to save my rear end. So um you know the book is very clear that inventory comes in three parts.

We have a section on resentment, we have a section on fear and we have a section on sex. And I wrote an inventory for each one. What I learned in my resentment inventory was that I somehow believed that y'all were my smorgus board to use for whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it.

And when you didn't do what I wanted you to do, I got really mad. And um who do I think I am? Who do I think I am?

This world is full of God's kids, not Shel's kids. And you know, I know today that anytime I'm resentful, it's generally because things are not going my way. And the problem isn't that things aren't going my way.

It's that I think I have a way that they should go. Um, so, you know, what I learned in that inventory was that I use you. I use you.

You know, we've talked about the instincts. Bill says in in the book that we look at where our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our security, including sex, were hurt, threatened, injured, or interfered with. And that's what I listed on that that day on that inventory was where those instincts, those parts of Shelly that make Shel uniquely human were hurt, threatened, injured, or interfered with.

So when my instincts are hurt, threatened, injured, or interfered with, I get mad, rightfully so. Um, but the problem isn't, you know, the solution to that isn't for me to manage the world better or to get you to do what I want you to do better or be a better manipulator. The problem is that I go to people to meet my needs.

Smorges board buffet style. Um, and what I learned there is that God is all I need to have my needs met. God is my source.

God is my creator. God made me with those human needs to only come from him. And anytime I look outside of God into you guys, it doesn't work.

So, of course, I'm of course I'm burned up because I am a I'm running around like a crazy woman without my needs met. I'm incomplete. I'm not okay.

And that's the gist of resentments. That's the gist of of me using you. And that's not going to work anymore.

I can't I couldn't do that anymore. Um, so, you know, when we got to the fear inventory, I learned that fears come from not trusting God. And all of my fears that day, I had two fears because I could basically like any little fear I had basically fell under one of two major fears.

I have since learned that I have hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of fears and they come out all over the place. Um and and the solution, the explanation for those fears today is just as simple as it was that day. Fears come from me running the show.

Fears come from me not trusting God. Fears are created when I'm in charge. What happens is I fall short.

You know, my fears are pretty valid. I I think the two fears I had on my inventory that day were that I um a fear of rejection and a fear of failure. And um the truth is when Shel's running the show, rejection happens.

I run people off because I'm a lot. I'm way high maintenance. Um, I have lots of friends to this day that don't want anything to do with me because I was so exhausting when I was out there because it was all about me.

I sucked the air from people around me. Um, so rejection occurred. Yeah, I create these things.

I'm not just afraid of them happening. I manifest them. Um, you know, I was afraid of failure.

And the truth was when I drank or even when I didn't drink, when I tried not to drink, I was never able to do very much because I didn't have much power to do anything. I couldn't make it to work. I couldn't complete projects at school.

I couldn't show up for class. As a matter of fact, there was an entire semester where I registered and never set foot on campus. That that that was like my best effort, honest to God.

Um, relationships are broken. I mean, I went through boyfriends like one after another. Used them up until they couldn't take it anymore and then they ran away.

I actually got to a place with my family where they said, "We love you, but you just can't come back anymore." Um, I failed at everything I ever tried to do because the bottom line is I'm powerless. So, when Shel's running the show, and Shel's in charge and I'm functioning on my best ideas and my best thoughts and my best amount of power, I fail. I fail.

My experience has been that when I put my life in God's hands, those things don't happen. They're unfounded fears. I had um a big big fat unfounded fear last night.

Huge unfounded fear. And um I uh I got to talk about it not just with one person, but three people all at the same time. It was really awesome.

And um I woke up this morning because I had to pray about it a I was terrified about this thing that that came up. I woke up this morning and I thought, not for one moment in the last nine years do I have any experience that will lead me to believe that God is going to fail me. God has never let me down.

Not one second, not for one moment. And my fears are completely unfounded. As long as I keep my life in God's hands, everything is okay.

No matter what it is. Now, my definition of okay and God's definition of okay might be a little different. But whatever it is, and they frequently are, but whatever it is, it's okay.

When I start running the show, not only should I be scared, but y'all should be scared. We should all be very scared. And and those things come true, you know.

So, the solution to my fear is to put my life in God's hands. The solution to my resentments is to put my life in God's hands. You know, I'm very, very, very, very grateful that Bill took all those pages in the book to describe how to do sex inventory and where our sex problems come from.

Because of all the things that I did while I was out there drinking, my sex problems were the piece that I was the most ashamed of and never wanted to talk about again, ever. As long as I lived, thank you. And um you know, if you look at how much time is spent in the book and in the inventory stuff, sex gets the little biggest piece.

Um we all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. And that was a relief because here's here's what happened.

While I was drinking that the liquor didn't work. I mean, liquor worked like a little. And I discovered along the way that I could find him and whoever he was, if he would pay attention to me, then I was okay.

I was good enough and I was worth it. And I got ease and comfort from that. So there were a lot of hymns over the years.

And um and I was a victim. And when I sat down to write inventory, um, you know, who did I harm? I made a list of those people.

And what did I do? I used them. I used them.

I used them. I used them. I used them.

And after I got through writing my inventory, I looked at it and I thought, isn't that interesting? Because I always told you he used me. I'm such a victim.

Poor pitiful Shelly. Taken advantage of 100% of the time. In every single instance, I used him to try to meet my needs, to make me feel better about myself.

What's beautiful about what it says in the book around sex is that we ask God to mold our ideals. God's molding, not me, God. And then we ask him to help us live up to them.

Not only do I have to develop the right ideas around sex, I can go to God for that. God's going to develop those ideas. Then God's going to show me how to live that way.

It's actually that simple. and my behavior in relationships has been profoundly different since I did that inventory because once I saw on paper what I had done to God's kids. It wasn't until I finished my sex inventory that day that I actually got a willingness to not be that person anymore.

You know, I I got through that and I looked at that and I thought, "Whatever I have to do to not be her, I will do." And it was there was just as much the ill feeling I had about doing that to other people was bad, but the ill feeling I had about doing that to myself. I am God's and it's not okay for me to treat me that way anymore than it's okay for me to treat y'all that way. So in that th those my ideals around sex today did not come from within me.

Um my conscience about that has definitely come from God and I'm very grateful for that. It promises that if we ask God for help, he will give it to us. Um, and so I asked God for help and he gave it to me around that stuff.

Um, so we did our fifth step and then we got back on our knees and we prayed. And what we prayed in step seven is so beautiful. We went back, you know, in step three, we started with, okay, God, you can have this little piece of me because this is all I know.

you can have this little piece of me and and and now we're going to do inventory and we're going to find out what else is really going on here. But I was willing to put this little piece of me in God's hands. And on the other side of inventory after learning all the truth about Shel and what was really going on and the exact nature of my wrongs and how I'm completely selfish because I use you to meet my needs and I'm completely dishonest because I believe it's going to work.

I believe that you can meet my needs. You know, the lie there is that is that anybody could meet my needs and the truth there is that only God can meet my needs. I'm inconsiderate because I don't think about you.

I don't consider you. I'm just using you to get what I need. All based on the fear that if I don't get what I need, I'm not going to be okay.

So, when we came back in step six and seven, we got back on our knees, I had a much better idea of what I needed to put in God's hands. It wasn't just this little piece of me. I needed to put all of me in God's hands.

I needed to put all of that stuff that I saw in inventory. And I understood what that meant to put the garbage in God's hands to give God the bad stuff. But what the prayer says is that you can have all of me good and bad.

Well, I didn't understand completely what good was that day. But I understand today and my willingness around this stuff has has grown exponentially over the years because as I learn what all of me is, I learned that that's more of me that I got to give to God. All of me looks like the wreckage and inventory and my character defects.

It also looks like who I think I am and who I think I want to be and my hopes and my dreams and all of my ideas and all of the things I think I want to do with my life and what I think it means to be a daughter and a sister and a wife and a mother. All of me is 100% of me. I have to give God all of me.

And that's what step seven asks. and my, you know, I I when I prayed with Darra that day, I was a little bit willing to to let God have all of me, whatever I understood that meant that day. And I believed in a very small way when I was praying that maybe God could make me happy.

Maybe God could do more than just keep me sober. Maybe God could even make me happy. Um, today I understand completely that God can make me happy.

I don't always act that way. Sometimes I fall short of that, but I believe 100% that God can make me happy because he has prove it. And God's like, "Okay, we'll do.

Proven it's on the way. He's got no problem with that." So, in order to put all of me in God's hands and in order to give God the good and the bad, I have to take action. And the action I take on that is in steps 8 through 12.

So, when I got up off my knees from praying with her, I made I made a list of people I had harmed. And we split it into three columns, four columns. um what I was willing to do now and what I wasn't willing to do now to different degrees of not willing and um and that yeah there was one list called never and uh the entire sex inventory went on never um because I didn't have relief from the guilt and the shame around that yet and I was very terrified of facing people but there was a there was a short list of people I was willing to make amends to now and she told me how to do that and when I left her that night.

I went back to my grandparents house and I made four amends. That very night, the minute I walked in the door, I made four amends. No, I think I spent an hour alone first, then I made four amends.

Um, I have to take action now. And uh, you know, that's what the the book uses words like launched. Now, we launched on a course of vigorous action.

That's not all. There's action and more action. You know, um, when I read, if you go back and read Bill's story and you put a little history to it, you look at the amount of time it took Bill Wilson to do what is now the 12 steps, it was a matter of days and he started in a hospital bed before he was even completely detoxed.

And I need the freedom from alcoholism that Bill Wilson describes in this book. So, I'm going to do the work the way Bill Wilson did it. Um, because my experience doing the work a different way was that I got a desire to die.

So, I um I did everything my sponsor told me to do. I went home that night and I made those amends immediately. And I went I came home from that um Thanksgiving trip with plans to make other amends.

And she walked me through step by step. We took a couple at a time and I took action on them. And today, as of today, I've made every amend that I can make.

Um there are a lot of nameless, faceless people on my list. And um it's up to God and and he uh has provided the opportunity on more than one occasion. It's amazing how that works.

The people that I can't even put a face to, I come face to face with and I'm like, "Oh, I know who you are. I got to talk to you." So, you know, making amends. Um there I was terrified at the idea of making amends, but the book says nine out I was just talking with a friend this morning about this.

The book says nine out of 10 times the unexpected will happen. And my experience is that a 100% of the time the unexpected happens. That I go into this amends fearful of what the outcome is going to be and not once have I ever had a bad outcome.

Period. Ever. Um it doesn't always turn out the way I think it should but I don't I've never had a bad outcome.

I've never sponsored anybody who had a bad outcome. So, you know, when I made the amends with my family, those were really easy because my family raised me um to believe that love was unconditional and that there was nothing I could do to make them love me any less. I did a lot to make them like me less, but there was nothing I could do to make them love me any less.

Um, and those those amends were really easy to make. The amends that were really hard to make were the amends that were on my sex inventory. But I'll tell you, once I started making amends, the ones that I made with my family gave me a tremendous amount of willingness and excitement and enthusiasm to get out there and make the rest of it right.

Because what happened was I could look the world in the eye and I could be alone at perfect peace and ease. I could feel the nearness of God and I didn't regret the past. And that's what doing that's what making amends does.

It creates an amazing amount of peace in my life and peace in the world. Um, so you know, I've had some some interesting experiences making amends to some of those men that fell into my never list. And um, I have to share this with you because you just never know what you're really doing when you go to make that amends.

I think I'm cleaning up my side of the street. I think I'm paying restitution. I think I'm making right or wrong.

But you don't even know what God might be doing behind the scenes. And there have been three amends that I made to men on my never list that I was terrified and not willing to face. Three amends that have um one of them was the first time somebody made an amend right back to me and I was I was caught completely off guard.

I was like whoa um which was really amazing. The second time um the guy looked at me kind of crooked. I was waiting tables, okay?

And he popped up in my section with his girlfriend on a date. And and I got to tell you also that a lot of these amends have happened. I've run into people um like if it was somebody I knew from Fagetville, I'd run into them in Hot Springs.

There was once somebody I knew from North Carolina that I ran into in Cersei. Explain that. G O D.

Um, so I uh this was a this boy popped up in my section and I didn't I hadn't known how to find him. I didn't know where he was. And so I uh I was of course like, "Wow, this is really amazing.

He's with his girlfriend. Is that ever uncomfortable?" So what I did was wait for him to go to the bathroom and I followed him. And um yeah, well I waited for him to come out, but I mean I was his waitress.

He knew I was there. like it was like, "Wow, it's good to see you, but you know, except when to do so would injure them or others." And um I didn't need to do anything in front of her cuz that was not going to be appropriate. So, I followed into the bathroom and when he came out, I was like, "Yo, ho, can we talk for a second?" And um when I told him that I had been selfish and self-centered in our relationship and I was sorry, what could I do to ever make it right?

He cocked his head sideways and said, "What is up with you? Are you sober?" which I think he was trying to propose the most preposterous thing on earth was the way it sounded. You know how it was coming out of his mouth.

And my response was, "Yeah, as a matter of fact, I'm sober and I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous." And he took a deep breath and he looked at me and he said, "That is really great. I think I need to be there, too. You never know what you're doing when you got to make amends." Because what I did that day when I apologized to him was I showed him a side of Shelly that he never ever saw before and he never thought existed.

That is proof of God and that carries a message. And I thought I was just cleaning up my side of the street for taking advantage of him. So the the other one that I did that was um the other amends that was really the most profound in the entire world was um a boy that on my never list.

I actually for a little while while I was sober and still living in Hot Springs, I was a cocktail waitress at a bar and um that was a lot of fun. I was teaching by day at the university and cocktail waitressing at night and um on the weekends and I uh didn't do it for very long. 5:00 a.m.

is early. So I mean late. So um I had run into this guy before and I had made amends to him.

But then when I started cocktail waitressing, he would run into me at the bar and he would just literally follow me around and be like, "This is the weirdest thing in the whole world. How are you even here? How would you even want to be here?" And I was having a good time.

There was good music. People were fun to watch. You know, I was having a good time.

And um and he like used to just sit at the bar and watch me and he was completely baffled like this is not the Shelly that I know. How are you even how are you even here? how are you even working in a bar until 5:00 a.m.

and you're okay with that? And um so one night we were talking, he hung around and we were talking and he said um I made my amends to him long before this, but he said, "You know, it's really amazing. You're not the same person because the person I knew would have never been able to be here.

And you know, I know you're sober and it doesn't look so bad. You make it look not so bad." And I was like, "Yeah, it actually rocks. It's awesome." I I think I was probably four years sober.

I was on fire. I was like, "Oh, it's so awesome. You should come to a meeting sometime." Of course, he wasn't interested.

But I will tell you that um a couple of months later, I got a phone call from him. And uh he was crying and he was whispering and he said, "That Alcoholics Anonymous thing you do, I need to get there because I'm going to die if I don't stop." And I just have to tell you that I've never been interested in getting sober. But watching you, I think, you know what?

Maybe this won't be so bad. You never know. You never know what you're doing when you're making that amend.

And when you're out there in the real world being a product of this program, that's what it means when we say you may be the only copy of a big book somebody ever sees. You never know what they're going to see when they look at you. But you know what that message carried to him was that maybe sobriety is not as bad as you think.

Um, so you know, and the only reason he knew I was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous was because I made a direct amends to him as the step reads and I told him when he asked. So, um, you know, I I believe in that completely and I've had and that those are, you know, amazing experiences 100% of the time. Never had anything go wrong making amends.

Um, so I um I have instructions and Darra gave me instructions on how to work steps 10, 11, and 12. And I used to always think that 10, 11, 12 were maintenance steps because that's what we call them in meetings. These are the maintenance steps.

Those are not maintenance steps. They are growth steps. You know, that's what it says at the beginning of step 10 is that now that we have entered the world of the spirit.

And I was not somebody who was living with God prior to my experience with the 12 steps. And by the time I get to step 10, the promise is that my drink problem has probably been solved. And that I am living with God.

With God 100% of the time. Not just roommates, but sharing the very same space. Living with God.

Um my next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. So, I I know how to do 10, 11, and 12 today. 10 keeps me fit for a relationship with God.

11 keeps me present in my relationship with God. And 12 keeps me deserving of my relationship with God and of my sobriety. Um, you know, another one of those words that I had to look up was conscious contact because I didn't really understand what that meant.

Um, and in my dictionary, consciousness means awareness. You know, step seven is pra step 11 is practicing awareness of God in my life. And um I learned how to grow in my relationship with God and my communication with God from the pages that are in the book on step 11.

Um the most simple and beautiful words are written there for how to relate to God and how to talk to God. And I it's like it's like God for dummies cuz I didn't know how to pray, you know? I didn't know how to pray.

I didn't know what to say to God. Um I didn't know what meditation was supposed to be. And I learned what how to what to say to God in those pages.

And today, um, I still haven't found any prayers or any instructions that start my day any better than those pages. Um, and there are a lot of beautiful promises there, but you know, it's all about practicing my awareness of God. And today I acknowledge that God is in my life.

That's very different than where I was 9 years ago where I didn't acknowledge that God even existed. Today, not only do I acknowledge God in my life, but I will tell you with 100% resolve that my relationship with God is the most important thing I have. It is the central fact of my life today.

That everything else about me revol revolves around that relationship with God. And everything about me depends on that relationship with God. God is my source 100% of the time.

So, you know, the 12th step is a very very very very beautiful step. I um I have gotten some beautiful things in my life, beautiful relationships in my life from working with other women. Um I swear every time I take a woman through the work, I have a bigger experience than she does, you know.

And 12step work is not optional. Step 12 is a step. It takes all 12 steps.

12 I have to do. 12 is one-on-one with other women. And um service work is a whole different ballgame.

But 12step work is one-on-one with another alcoholic. And there's an entire chapter that describes exactly how to do that. And I have watched other women be pulled back from the gates of death in a very short period of time doing the work.

Um, so you know, and if you've worked the steps and you've had a spiritual awakening and you're not working with people, shame on you. I don't get to stay sober if I'm not working step 12. Period.

Um, and every time there's something going on in my life, you know, basically every time the crap hits the fan, there's a new girl and she appears from somewhere. You know, when I moved to New Hampshire a little over four years ago, I um moved and then regretted it immediately. Got there and was like, "What have I done?

This is a very different place. this is a different planet. And um and of course I didn't go to meetings at first.

I just unpacked my apartment and you know got to my school and did that kind of stuff. And um called my sponsor and she answered the phone and I couldn't even speak. I was just hysterical.

And she was like, "You really should go to a meeting." So I went to a meeting. Well, she was like, "Are you okay?" I was like, "No." She said, "Have you been to a meeting?" I was like, "No." So simple. So, I went to a meeting that that next morning and um I found a girl that looked relatively young because I'm a product of young people's and um I found a young girl and I cornered her and I said, "I need a friend.

You're going to be my friend. Can we go out for coffee, please?" And and she said, "Yeah, we can do that. There's a meeting at 2:00.

Before we go out for coffee, you should go to the meeting." So, I I went to my second meeting of the day. second of what would be three meetings that day. And um my solution to my problem was sitting on the doorstep seven days dry.

And I thought it was about me. And you know what? 100% of the time my solution is about you guys.

It's about getting out there and helping somebody else. And um she was seven days dry and she thought I was new and I thought she'd been around for a long time. It was a very interesting conversation at first and by the end of the meeting I was her sponsor and by the end of the weekend I was in love with New Hampshire period.

Um, you know, there have been a lot of things in my life that have happened that have been life on God's terms can be very difficult sometimes. And almost 100% of the time without fail, when I'm dealing with life on God's terms, there's a new girl. Um just two less than two weeks ago I was traveling um to visit my grandfather and halfway there almost having an anxiety attack because of some fear.

And I had my phone in my hand and I was trying to decide if I was going to call my sponsor or if I was going to call my husband or if I was going to call my mommy. And I'm holding the phone and I'm holding the steering wheel and I'm thinking about these things and I'm trying to breathe and not hyperventilate. and my phone rings and it's her and her day is much worse than mine.

And that's basically the way it works all the time. There's always a her. God always presents the solution and it's my job to take action on it.

So, you know, that's been my experience. I um had a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps and no longer have a drink problem. It has been a very long time since I had to fight thought to drink.

But those are the things I have to do to stay those principles, those actions are the things that I have to do to stay fit with God so that God can continue to fight my alcoholism for me. Um, so I have to tell you that, you know, since I've been sober, there have been some really amazing things happen in my life. I'm going to wrap this up just a few minutes.

Um, so stay with me. I uh was a woman who couldn't complete a thing. Lacked the power to complete anything.

Lacked the power to stay present in a relationship. Lack the power to be unselfish in relationships. And what has happened since I've been sober is that God has arranged miraculous things out there.

And he has repaired relationships that I was certain were dead. He has completed things in my life that I never thought I deserved. Um, and he has given me more than I ever thought I wanted.

And you hear that all the time in meetings like, "Oh, life beyond my wildest dreams." Well, that's just the way it is. That's it. That's true.

That's the best way to describe it. I um my mom is here today and my mom is my best friend in the whole world. But when I got sober, my mom and I couldn't even be in the same room together.

And um and it was it was a mutual feeling, I think. And um today my mother is recovering in Alanon. And not only is she my mom and my best friend, but she's a spiritual sister.

And I can call her and do 10 steps with her. And I can tell her about what's really going on in my life. And it's amazing how God has shown me how to be the daughter he wanted me to be.

It's a little different than the daughter I thought I wanted to be. God's ideas about that are much better than my own. My my sister is my best friend and she's half of me.

And before I got sober, she looked at me one day and said, "Sometimes I just wish you'd die so it wouldn't hurt so much." And today, my sister and I can't almost go a day or two without speaking because she's my best friend. And God has shown me how to repair that relationship. And the principles of the program have shown her that didn't have to be the way it was.

cuz I caused that I caused that sweet girl a lot of hurt. Um, you know, and that's sort of the way it is with all the relationships in my family. There isn't really isn't anybody in my family that I don't have an unbelievable relationship with today.

Um, I have relationships with my friends that are just I never knew where I fit in. I never knew who I belonged with. I always just was really busy being whatever I thought you wanted me to be so that you would like me so that I would feel okay about myself or covering up who I really was so that I could look a little more like you so you'd like me so I'd feel okay about myself.

And today I'm 100% cool being who I am, whatever that looks like. And I'm comfortable in that in my relationships with you. And I have friends that So, I'm home right now.

And some of my best girlfriends here threw a baby shower for me a few weeks ago. And we were all sitting around talking and we've grown up in sobriety together. And I moved away four years ago.

And here we all are just four years, four years more sober than we were when I left. Still friends, still in contact. That's God showing me how to be a friend, showing me how to be who I am and and how to maintain those relationships.

And it's beautiful and it's amazing. And I want to grow old with these girls. And I believe that I can because God shows me how to be the friend God wants me to be.

Um, I moved to New Hampshire to go to college. Before I did that, I graduated from college here in Archadadelphia, which was amazing cuz I went to five colleges. A couple of those I flunked out of.

And uh the year before I moved to New Hampshire, I got a bachelor's degree and cried the whole way across the stage. It was like And there are people here today that were at my graduation. Y'all came.

It was a beautiful day. It was a day that was proof that God could do anything in my life. He could even be an organic chemist.

Um cuz that was what happened at my final exam. I took God and I said, "We got a problem. It's organic chemistry and it's your deal." And God passed us by the hair on my chin.

And uh every time I look at my degree, I think that's proof of God because my best my best behavior in school was to flunk out. I register for classes I don't show up for. And so why I moved to New Hampshire was to go back to graduate school, which was something I never thought I wanted to do.

And um and I moved to New Hampshire and um and I love being a student, by the way. And I'm kind of good at it because y'all taught me how to be responsible, how to show up, and how to complete things. God taught me that and y'all taught me that here and in service.

Oh, good lord. In service. Um I I went to graduate school and what I learned was that um I didn't like what I was studying very much.

I spent a lot of money and a lot of time in a subject that just doesn't interest me anymore. Um, but it was an amazing experience and I wouldn't take it back and I'm completely comfortable admitting that today that I went to school for something I don't want to do. That's okay.

It was the journey. It's not about where I'm getting. I learned a lot about myself and a lot about God in that laboratory.

Um, but what happened when I moved there was I met a boy and uh I I wasn't interested in meeting a boy. We actually the first conversation we had because we were really attracted like magnets to each other and um and and we had a lot to talk about and he was a lot of fun to hang out with and the first time we were hanging out with a whole bunch of people and the first time we were alone I was like just so you know I moved here to go to school and he was like just so you know I'm not interested in a relationship I just got out of one not doing it and by the end of the week we were dating. Um I'm very clear today that my move to New Hampshire was not about college.

It was about him. last year we got married and that was something I thought I never deserved and if you look at my inventory I was not a woman who who acted like she deserved that. Um and I never thought I would be worth it and I never thought that anybody would ever want to be with me.

And um our wedding was the happiest day of our lives and it was beautiful and I don't have a clue how to be a wife. Um, but you know, God shows me. Um, God shows us, he's one of us, too.

And, um, and God shows us how to show up and how to be partners. And that's been really amazing cuz, you know, I don't know how to do those things, but it's not my job to know how to do those things. That's God's job to show me.

And God does. My job is to ask for it and be willing and to move my little feet when God says move. So, um, and now we're going to have a baby.

And getting to this place has been very, very difficult. And, um, you know, every day, today is a day I learn where there's not enough God in my life. Every day, today is a day where I learn where I have to give more of me to God.

And I learn where I'm falling short and where I'm not giving God enough of me. where some old ideas are creeping in. And um I had some old ideas around having a child of my own that obviously didn't work for me.

And in the last two years, we've tried very very very hard to have this baby. And what happened at the very beginning of this year was that I finally threw up my hands and surrendered and said, "Okay, God, it can be however you want it to be." And um I became willing again just like I did that day. I did the work with my sponsor just like I have on many occasions to let it be God's way, whatever that was going to look like.

And um and then I got pregnant and he's very healthy and very big. And I'm very grateful. And every time I put my hands on my belly, I think this is proof that God knows how to make me happy and that God can handle my life and that if you're new or even if you're not new and life is becoming impossible, we have a way out on which we absolutely agree and the way that we do that in Alcoholics Anonymous is in the 12 steps.

There are a lot of other ways to get sober um but what we do in Alcoholics Anonymous is the 12 steps and my experience is that God does not let me down. Period. Um, if you're sitting here today doubting whether or not you want this or need this, all I can say is that my experience has been that God has never let me down.

Never. Um, you know, there are a few simple requirements, but so um that's my story. I'm really grateful to be here.

There are a lot of y'all here and um and that's a really amazing thing. So, you know, it's easy at these conferences to have a lot of fun and to forget what we're doing here, but what we're doing here is recovering one day at a time from a fatal disease. And we do that in a relationship with God.

So, take that home to your home groups. I'm going to take that home to my home group. Look for who we can carry this message to because that's what this deal is about.

And when we do that, what we get to do here is have a lot of fun. But we have to go home to our home groups and carry the message that's in the book, which is that if you work the 12 steps, you too can develop a relationship with God that will solve all your problems. So that's all I have to say.

Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.