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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> My name is Tom Burns.

I'm an alcoholic. >> My home group is Avon Lake Friday. Avon Lake is a suburb of Cleveland, Ohio, about 17 miles to the west.

And Tuesday nights on my home group is Avon in the Bond they call it. My sobriety date is July the 5th, 1962, which means I pulled from 41 years of experiences. And that's what I'm here to do.

hoping upon hope. Anybody gets up here, people, anybody gets up here. You hope upon hope there's somebody out there that felt the way you felt when you got here.

And he leaves with just just the hope. But boy, if those nutty son of the guns can do it, maybe I got a chance. I'm going back one more day.

That that's all. One day. I won't promise anybody in the room I'll be sober tomorrow.

I won't do it. I I it tickles me when you hear these countdowns. 53 years, 54 years.

Yeah. Good deal. Good deal.

3 days and the house comes down. You know why that is? We know you just left hell and we're going to try to make you feel so welcome you don't want to go back.

That's why that is. That's why we have these things. That's why people meet you at the door.

That's why we make the coffee. That's why we tell our stories and share to try to give you the the strength and the fellowship to to hang around one more day. My wife says, "Tom," she says, "I I I think you're getting seen now, Tom.

Ever since you turned 70, you jump around so much and you lead, I can't even follow you myself." You talk about 40 years ago and then you talk about today and then you talk about 30 years ago and you talk about today. She says, "I can follow you. I lived it.

For those people don't know you, they may not be able to follow you." I said, "Honey, I'm I'm talking alcoholics." And believe me, babe, they're not wrapped too tight either. They alcoholics don't have any problems communicating with other alcoholics. I'm not too good at small talk with normal people, but with other alcoholics, believe me, I'll take any five alcoholics in this room, go next door, have two cups of coffee, and we know each other a long time.

Because when I say to another alcoholic, you know, when I come here, I was afraid all the time, and I didn't know what I was afraid of. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

That goes with the territory. We understand that. I woke up in jail and I was sick and I didn't know why I was there, what day it was.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. been there, done that.

Not going to shock them. Woke up my home and the wife and kids were gone. The house was cold and I was broke and I didn't even I coming off a blackout and not knowing where your car was or all those.

We understand that. We know the feeling. We know the fear.

That's what helps make it work. I was born and raised in Brooklyn, New York. people drinking was a way of life.

My My dad died at an alcoholic's death. It's not pretty to watch a man that was 200 lb weighing about 114 lbs. No guts, no nothing.

But but drinking was was no big deal. It it was the social event of the week. My dad worked in the shipyards and they used to get paid on Friday nights and they met at the neighborhood bar.

That's where you met. Stubans had the fish fries, played shuffleboards, sang songs, told lies about the old country, how great it was in Ireland. But crying out loud, half of them never seen Ireland.

And the other half, I figured there's something wrong with them because if it was so good, why'd they leave? South Brooklyn was no bargain. Everybody had a draft card saying they were 18.

got into some trouble at a young age and and they sent me to the service. It was either that or upstate and I I didn't want to go upstate. So I and there's no service stories people I went in a private and four years later I come out of private.

That that was the end that was the end of my service career. I I didn't like the service. I went I got a promotion.

I went to town to celebrate and and if I had money I didn't go back. I just didn't go back. Okay.

And they frown on that. They don't like that at all. They So, you get discharged and you get back home and and you go through the legal drinking years.

You're expected to drink. You're getting rehabilitated to civilian life. And where do you get rehabilitated?

At the neighborhood bar. Now, I can't go on a a date trip with you people. I I'm trying to qualify.

I'm trying to go from the from the fun years, and there were a lot of fun years, to the sick years to the dying years. And I'm trying to get there fast so we can get into this good stuff. Just learn how to how to laugh.

Learn how to not take a drink today and be happy. Do you realize that's possible? I didn't know that.

I didn't know that. I'm home maybe a year. It's it's not a language from the head.

It's a language from the heart. >> That's why we understand aren't too interested in yak yak yak. And I'll watch you show me the results of this program.

Show me the results of working the 12 steps. You tell me to work these 12 steps. Why?

Show me what it's done for you. And I'll ali will come. He'll watch you.

He don't care what you know about the big book. He'll watch you. Well, what what what has it done in your life?

If I if I left my house and my wife and kids are looking at me with fear in their eyes and I come to this meeting and I meet you and you tell me about this great spiritual life you found and how great it is to be sober and I go to your house and your wife and kids are looking you with fear in their eyes, you haven't got a damn thing I want. If I see your wife say, "Oh, honey, you got a new man. I I'll get some coffee and I see your kids jump up and say, "Hey, hey, Dad, look what I did school today.

Now I want what you got." That's what impresses an aliy what what he sees. I'm home almost a year. My dad grabs me one night.

He says, "Tommy," he says, "I I think your mother's seen enough of this nonsense with me. There's no reason Chess could through it again with you if this the way you want to live. I'm going on two and three day benders and I'm getting into some jackpots.

Get out and in the world and grow up. It's okay, Dad. Okay.

And I was going to go back out to Riverside, California. I was stationed in Riverside, California for a while and I got discharged there and and it seemed like pretty good living out there. So I got on a bus.

I was going to go to Riverside and they had a rest stop in a town called Lraine, Ohio, little Greyhound bus stop and I looked up the streets in Lraine, Ohio in Broadway and there were all kinds of bars and what have you and I figured well I'll stop and have a couple of drinks in Lraine, Ohio. That was 1953. Still there.

I can end qualifying right there people. Whenever I drink, everything leaves. buses, cars, clothes, houses, kids, jobs, everything leaves cuz there's something wrong with me.

They call it alcoholism. I don't care what you call it, people. When I take one drink, the only thing that's important to me is another drink.

That's it. Drink trouble. That That's all I have to know.

My whole message, people, is simplicity. 40 years, 41 years, and the longer I'm here, the dumber I get. You realize there's so much you don't know.

Oh, if I was leading this meeting when I had 10 years, I could have told you all about this damn book and this program. Oh, boy. I was sharp as attack.

20 years I Well, I kind of 30 years I learned to listen. 40 years I learned to keep my mouth shut. I come off a three-day drunk and and and almost broke and I called home for money.

I says, "Dad, I'm in this town. I'm almost broke. You send me some dough." When I get out to the coast, Dad, I'll send it back 100fold.

My dad had been talking to people in AA. Hey, I got this son that's nutty in a J-bird when he drinks. What can I do to help him?

Frank, you want to help him? Yeah, don't help him. What the hell kind of advice is that?

Let him wake up in enough jails. Let him beat his head in against enough walls. Let him get to the point where he's sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Let him get to the point where just a couple of seconds, just a couple of seconds he gets honest with himself. He says, "Maybe it's me." Then we'll break our backs to help him. Frank, till then, let the clown finish his act.

I don't think it's for people who need it. I needed AA when I was 17 years old. You could have sent a 100 AAS to my house.

Every weekend I would have yesed him to death just to get the hell out of the house. But when when when the price got too high when when Diane looks easier than living, huh? What do I have to do, fellas?

I'll do whatever I have to do. Well, go out to Laughlin and speak. Okay.

Okay. Let me help me keep stoy. Yeah, I'll do it.

pick up the cups or set up the chairs or or or make the coffee or go to the hospitals and take people to meetings or go to somebody's house and sp whatever it takes. I'll do whatever. >> Don't get me wrong, I love the big book.

It's my Bible. Big book won't keep you sober anymore. The Bible will get you to heaven.

Doing what the big book tells you to do. That's what will get you sober. Sobriety's in the action, people.

In the action, not the knowing. I'll introduce you to men who could quote this big book, tell you read 449, tell quote the 12 steps by heart, the the per everything. They know that thing inside out.

They could tell you what page you can find what and they're drunk cuz they forgot to do what the book says to do. These are the things we did. That's where the secret is.

Move the feet. My program this morning was the same as I learned 38 years ago. I get up in the morning.

And I say, "God, please run the head. I'll move the feet. I'll move the feet.

You let me run the head." And you never seen anything get so screwed up in all your life. My wife can tell you four days in advance when I'm ready to go nuts. So, there he goes.

Yeah. Hey, Chris. Dad's going nutty again.

Yeah. Okay. I talk a lot about my family.

I talk a lot about my home life. I talk a lot about my wife and my relationship. I don't do that because I think I'm a marriage counselor.

People, you're going to hear oldtimes all over the country say, "Take this program home. Take this program home. Take this program." We don't tell you to take it home cuz we think we're marriage counselors.

We tell you take it home cuz we're worried about your sobriety. And we know it's a lot easier to stay sober when things at home are going good. When there's a dinner in a show.

When you're sleeping in your own bed once in a while. That ain't a bad deal. When things are fighting, you get you get very self Oh, poor me.

We're at the house slamming the door. They still treat me like they used to. And don't they know I haven't had a drink in six days?

Oh my god. I'm a change man. Yeah, you've been kicking people in the teeth for 16 years.

Well, my dad says, "Good luck and goodbye." Hangs up. I get drinking at a local bar and they they tell me they needed chemical engineers at a chemical company, Avon Lake. So, I went for an interview.

I got the job. Chemical engineer. I can't spell chemical engineer, but believe me, you put an algae with his back against the wall, he'll be whatever he has to be.

You watch him. Friday night, he's fighting six cops. He's winning for 3 seconds.

Tuesday morning before the judge, you think he's an alter boy. Oh my god, you're on a right in. I had a nurse tell me about these people.

I'll never forget it. God almighty. Jump around like right to help.

I had a sponsor that was a great believer going up to the hospital and talking to patients. He came in in 1948. He passed away out of Florida.

But he said it was easier than going in the house and having them puke on your shoes, you know. But the hospitalization come in I think around 58 59. Well by 62 they didn't have much time to build alcoholic wards and so forth.

So in in Lraine County they took the alcoholics and they put them in with the mental patients to west a Lraine community. And every Tuesday my my sponsor used to come get me and we go up to the hospital. He give a 15minute talk and then we have a discussion and and that'd be it.

Well one night he called me. He says, "Tom," he says, "I can't make it tonight. Will you run up to the hospital and talk to the patients?" I said, "Okay, Jay." And I got the two West.

The nurse seen me. She says, "Oh, hello, Tom." She says, "You're here for the AA meeting?" I says, "Yeah." She said, "I'll get the patients." And she walked down a long hall. And I see her tap somebody and talk to them and tap somebody else and walk by a few people, tap somebody else.

Finally, she's got 10 or 12 guys together. She said, "Go down to the TV room. We're going to have an AA meeting." And I grabbed her.

I says, "How do you know who to tap and who not to tap? How do you separate the alcoholics from the mental patients?" She, "Oh, it's easy." I said, "Yeah, I've been sober a little while." And I don't see any difference. She You could if you were here 3 days, Tom.

I said, "Why is that?" She says, "Well, we we carried them all in. After 3 days, you see the ones walking down the hall kind of quiet and sedating to themselves." I says, "Yeah." She says, "They're the mental patients. You see the ones in the office telling us how to run the hospital.

Huh? Aren't we quick forgetters? Do you realize if you're an alcoholic and you're laughing at yourself?

You know how good that is, people? That's the beginning of getting well. That's the beginning of getting well.

You when you come here, you think you're the center of the universe. You tell a joke about an alien when he's drinking or punch your lights out. We're very thin skinned people.

We have feelings. We don't You come here and you learn to laugh at yourself. You learn how to wear things kind of light.

God almighty people. It's a great way to go. I tell you, I won't be so good with I live my whole life one day at a time.

>> He says for the moment. I haven't got there yet, but one day at a time. time I'm I'm handling.

I used to worry all the time. I I remember worrying about social security going broke and oh my god this, you know, I used to worry about money all the time. Money, money, money, money, money.

I come here, you teach me how to live, I got enough money to last the rest of my life. If I die tomorrow, you don't worry. You don't worry anymore.

Those promises, we're not talking La La Land, people. Those promises are true. If a if a power brain yourself get your soul, what makes sure they can't take care of anything you got?

>> And so far as you new people are concerned that looking for God, I'm going to tell you something real fast. He's not lost. You just don't know it yet.

Just bring the body. The mind will catch up. Move the feet.

Put your feet where we put ours. It's easy to become an old-timer. Don't drink.

Don't die. What the hell? I'm limping up the stairs.

Somebody says, "I want to be like that." I said, "Not me. I want to be 20 again, starting fresh." You know, my knees are shot. What the hell's the difference?

Who cares? So, why work? And I met a young lady, people.

God Almighty, the most beautiful thing I ever seen in my life. I knew I had a good thing. I She was only 18.

She didn't Oh, the poor thing. She know I met her in in November and I married her in December. Huh.

We think We think a lot about things. We just don't jump in. We kind of look it over.

But her mother was so happy. Her daughter was marrying this chemical engineer and she was going to have things made. I went to work drunk and lost a job.

Now I'm in a strange town with a wife. No, no money, no nothing, no job. Dad was a pipe fitter welder by trade.

He was working out of town and he come home over the holidays and he took me into Cleveland and got me involved in a pipe fitter apprenticeship. And we took a twocar garage, a brand new twocar garage, and we made a honeymoon cottage out of it. took the door off, put some windows in the front door, and we we put a bathroom in, a little kid.

Oh, a cute little place. And the deal is, is as soon as Tommy gets in his fourth or fifth year apprentichip and starts making a decent buck, we're going to buy a house in the suburbs and we're going to live happily ever after. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Four children and seven years later, we're still in the cottage. And I'm a journeyman now, people.

And I'm making a pretty decent buck. But the more I make, the more I drink. I used to drink on Friday, Saturday, sober up Sunday, go to work Monday.

Now it's Friday, Saturday, Sunday, sober up Monday, go to work Tuesday. Get paid on Wednesday, don't make Thursday. Never make Thursday.

Wake up in Chicago, Philadelphia. New Never knew where I was going to wake up. Kitchen floor.

I used to wake up on the kitchen floor a lot. And she'd come out with the kids. Oh man, I need I need some money for groceries.

I don't have any money for groceries. I don't know what happens. I go in to cash a check and I have one drink and the next thing I hear is last call.

That's all I ever heard. Last call. What the hell happened at 8:00 and 9:00?

What the? So I do the only thing I know how to do at the time. I used to attack.

Damn it. I drank when I married you. I'm going to continue to drink.

And if you don't like it, rah rah rah. You're not going to make a wimp out of me like that neighbor. I got had a neighbor I hated his guts.

A normal guy. Biggest thing in his life was his grass. He used to mow his grass every Saturday morning.

That was get a life for crying out loud to I'd be a neighbor bar. He'd walk in. I send him down a drink.

Give so and so a drink. He drink it and leave. I say, "Where you going?" He says, "I have to go home.

Supper is waiting." Supper is waiting. When I stop in for one drink, I don't care if the Pope is waiting. I'm leaving you.

That was my big spiel. I'm leaving you. Where the hell am I going?

Get my brown paper bag, go in the bedroom, start packing my toothbrush and my underwear. And she'd come in and cry. Tommy, what did I do to upset you?

I didn't mean to upset you, Tom. I was sickening people. people.

I can only tell you what it was like in my house. I I I can't tell you what it was like in your house, but if you're alcoholic, I'm sure we're gonna you can identify. When my wife was 26 years old, she looked 60.

She was beat down so bad mentally, she didn't think she had a brain. She was born and raised in that town, and she couldn't even face people she went to school with because she was married to some yo-yo that was gone three, four, five days every month. never knew where he was taking care of kids.

Didn't have nice things. Then they took me to AA and they took her to that communist club. You laugh.

I hope to God your wife goes there, fella. I was so happy when she went there. I thought you going to go there and learn how to help me.

No. No. They go there and learn how to help themselves.

They go there and learn how to be happy in spite of you. We tell a lot of jokes about Alan. Well, let me tell you how I feel about Alan.

Like I told you, when my wife is 26, she looks 60. Now my wife is pushing 70. She looks 26 to me.

Thank you, Alanon. She walks with her head high. Her eyes are bright.

She's a miracle worker. She has gardens that they come in. What is that?

American Home and Garden and and Good Housekeeping. They come in, take pictures of her stuff and put it in magazines. She takes care of that yard herself.

Got acres of roses and herbs and everything. She's a miracle worker. Sun up to sun down, she's in that yard.

She loves it. And whenever I go off on one of my spiel, she says, "Stick, it burns." What the hell does that mean? She don't let me near this stuff cuz I cut everything down.

Everything looks like a weed to me. Herbs look like weeds. I don't care what you say, they look like weeds.

And so I mix the the compost. I'm the compost maker. I get down I get down to the the farms and get the cow manure, bring it home, mix it with the dirt and and the and the mulch with the with the roy.

Great big brother. Anytime you feel good, you you just get the boots on and go out and mix the road. It's the horseshit.

I I was sponsoring a guy a few years back. He come over the house. They don't appreciate me going out loud.

I said, "Come on, we'll talk about out in the back." And I gave him a a pitchfork. I say, "You start turning that and I'll turn this." He's turning the cow manure and finally looks at me. He says, "What are we doing?" I says, "This is what I do.

Oh, I mixed the horseshit. He's always says, "I'm I'm going home. I got it made." He says, "I got it made." Anytime you feel important, come to my house.

We'll mix some more God almighty. And don't mind don't mind at all. I come home at night about 4 in the morning.

My my suitcase hit me right in the chest. I was happy. I was going to I was going to go live in the Gold Coast in Cleveland.

I was going to get a Cadillac convertible. Oh, drink and dream. You screwy son of a gun.

When when you're drinking, you're not working too steady. You don't live in the Gold Coast. Living West 65th in Detroit Avenue.

$8 a week for the room. Got the picture. and your big nights outers are are sitting in the neighborhood diet peeling the labels off of beer bottles listening to poor me songs.

Tell me about good times drinking people and you're getting popped. Your timing's off. You're a mess.

When you want to see the wife who wants their wife 3:00 in the morning, so you go out to Avon Lake in your old beat up junker car with no keys. I an old beat up most people in construction, they have two cars. They have a a nice vacation car that they go with the family and then they have the old beat up pickup or a junker that they take to the mills or the jobs they want.

We never had a decent car. Beat up junkers. Bald tires, no ignition.

I lost the keys. My brother-in-law, my brother-in-law now, he used to be electrician drinking buddy of mine. I introduced him to my wife's sister.

They got married. Oh god. You see my father-in-law now he's a raven maniac.

I lose the keys one night. He says, "Don't worry, Tommy." He reaches under the dash, pulls out all the wires, gives me three wires and a close pin. Puts the three wires together, put the clothes pin on, and I car would start and I'd be going to work.

I'd be going down Clifton Boulevard. 600 cars all around. You hit a bump, the close pin falls, and the car stops.

People honking their horns while I'm looking for the damn closein. I just think that was normal. Well, I'm not going to spend any money on keys.

That's open. Who the hell's going to spend? Huh?

Get out Avon Lake and pull in and the cops stop you. Turn. Don't Don't give us a hard time this week, Tommy.

Come on. I'm going to see my kids. No, you're not.

They got restraining orders. Tom, I'm going to do you a favor. Anybody in this room thinks he's going out again.

If a cop says to you real nice, "Hey, young fella, come with us." Do yourself a favor. Go with him. Cuz if you think you're John Wayne, you're going to throw one punch.

You're going to wake up in jail. Your hair's going to hurt. And I got nothing against cops.

If I was a cop and some punk talked to me, the way I talked to them, I break his head, too. She said, "We were separated a year and a half. I I don't remember, people." I remember I called her up.

I said, "Glenn, I'm fed up living like this. I I haven't had a drink in 3 weeks and and I'm working and I want to take you and the kids down the valley on a picnic. She You haven't drank in three weeks?

That's right. She says, "Okay." So Sunday I went out and and I got a picnic baskets and baseball gloves and and what you get potato chips and I did what I thought normal fathers do. Who teaches you how to be a father?

Play that. Play catch the ball. Well, we did this for three Sundays in a row.

We thought I was a change, man. And we were going to try again. Always again.

Always a fresh start. Huh? How many times have we had fresh starts and bought a house on land contract Avon Lake?

And I'm not blowing smoke and I'm not trying to con anybody. I'm standing on the front porch. I says, "Glenn, I'm not going to drink anymore.

I'm going to work Monday. Monday was always the magic day. I'm going to work Monday.

We're going to start paying the bills. People in the neighborhood I lived in, people were buying new cars every other year. Their kids were going to school dressed nice and warm.

They were taking vacations in Florida every year. We couldn't afford to go to Akan, which is only about a half hour south. Old junky cars.

And my kids going to school with holes in their shoes. There's something wrong. Well, 30 days later, I'm sitting on the front porch nurse going to help.

Cuz sometime during that 30 days, I stopped in for one drink. I've been so good, they're trying to make a wimp out of me. Huh?

I work hard. I play hard. While I'm there, my brother-in-law comes up.

My brother-in-law, he don't look good at all. Don't look good at all. Jeez, Tommy, I got problems.

He says, "I got a drunken driving charger. I got to go before Jensen Tuesday." I said, "Bob, I don't want to hear it. I got four of them in five months.

I'm paying the last one off on time payments up in up in Avon." He, "Yeah, but I'm I'm getting sued for divorce." I said, "I know." He How do you know? As I got my papers this morning, too. Jensen was a friend of the families.

He called Judge Jensen. He called the wives and he look divorces for the price of one. Get rid of both the losers.

You girls can do better. While we're sitting on the porch talking, the wife comes out, >> talking to the brother-in-law. My sister and I were talking to a minister in this town.

He told us about a group of people that meet on Friday nights at his church and they must be doing something right because they're not drinking and they're putting their lives together. And Bob says, "You think if I go to that that club, she'll hold off on a divorce?" She says, "I don't know, Bob. That'd be up to her, but it might be worth a shot.

I figured there's my out. I said, "How about me? I'll go.

I'll go to Girl Scouts, the Boy Scouts. I I I I don't want a divorce." She says, "You They don't make anything of people like you." Friday night, we went to our first AA meeting. I'm 28 years old.

He's 26. Who can tell you anything when you're 28? history wise I get to swing in doors Aon Lake and there's two things I know in my life at that time people I don't like or trust people everybody's a phony everybody's out for what they can get and I'm going to sucker you before you sucker me when you when you live in the streets you think like the streets I didn't know I was going to meet people like I met in this room these rooms I didn't know I was going to meet people I had to hand out to do nothing but help You come back and sit at your kitchen table till 2 3 in the morning cuz they want to help you get through the night.

And they get their greatest joy out of watching a new man stay sober. Do you know that? Cuz they know what's coming.

Walked in. I looked around the room. My god almighty.

There were 20 or 30 people there and they were all old. 45, 50, 60 years old. No wonder they quit drinking.

Look at them for crying or they try to drink. Now they're dead. Dress nice.

Look good. I thought I was a PTA meeting talking to their wives. Some guys were there with their wives talking in Who the hell talks to their wife?

My wife and I don't talk. We can't talk more than five minutes. We're at each other's throat.

One guy breaks away from the crowd. There's five or six guys over by the coffee telling jokes and laughing. One guy breaks towards he's to comes towards us.

He's got to be 105. Good to see you young fellas. This program works, guys.

I haven't had a drink in 16 years. 16 years. Oh my god.

My legs got weak. My brother-in-law says, "You got to be awful thirsty, mister. Who the hell ever heard of not drinking for 16 years?

Don't talk years. Talk days, hours, and minutes. All you fellas don't know you're in.

You're going to have a life that you never dreamed of and you're going to find God. And I thought, "Oh, boy. I didn't." No, I did.

Hey, Mr. Not not me. Him.

He's got a drunken driving charge and his wife is divorcing him and and I come to help him because he's a good friend of mine. Oh, thank you. And he took Bob and I went over got some coffee and they were telling jokes about drunken driving charges.

Jokes about drunken There's nothing funny about a drunken driving charge. And they announced the lead. Oh boy.

Here's the Messiah. Here's guy's going to touch us on the head and make us well. Huh?

I'll never forget this. This is a long time ago. They had a cake, little cake, one candle.

It was his first year and his first anniversary and his first lead. And he was just look, oh, he had a white shirt and tie, new suit. Oh, he looks so cute.

I got 35 cents in my pocket and clean work clothes. That's it. There's no food in my refrigerator and they're turning off the gas.

I come here cuz I heard you people had something going and I was going to try to find out what it was. I had no idea. He gets up.

His wife is in about the third row. He looks out at her. He says, "Hi, honey.

I love you." She stands up, says, "I love you, too. My brother-in-law poked me. What the hell are we doing here?

I said, "I know what we're doing here, you sick son of a gun. You wanted to come here." Second thing I hear in an AA meeting, isn't it great to be sober? I got up this morning and I could smell the flowers.

Smell the flowers. My wife's home lighting candles. Dear God, let him die.

We'll get the insurance. That's where we were. There was no I love you in my house.

And I have no use for flowers. I don't want anything to do with flowers. I wasn't impressed.

I want to get that. Just just get done so I can get out of here. He finally got finished.

I I start towards the door as quick as I could. There's only one way out. And Avon Lake, Big John used to stand there.

6'4, 220, good shape. John, don't take his eyes off me. I think, oh, that's how it works.

That's how it works. In order to drink tonight, Tommy, you got to pass John. And John looks in awful good shape.

I got close to John. John put out his hand. He says, "How you doing, young fell?" It's fine.

Fine. They don't let go of your hand. You ever noticed?

They don't let go of your hand. He told my whole story in five minutes. He said, "People in this room come out of $500,000 houses on the lake.

There's people in this room come out of prisons, hospitals, insane asylums, streets, cardboard boxes. You're going to meet everything from priests to laborers here. But you do yourself a favor, young fellow.

You bring the body here. The mind's going to catch up. Bring the body here.

You're not going to get well trying to fix yourself laying on the couch reading with a sick head. Get the fellowship. Get people that were there before you.

Put your feet where they put theirs. Move the body. Move the feet.

How do I stay sober? I'm not going to another meeting. You guys tell me.

Well, how long's been fire? I had a drink in 5 days. You have it.

How'd you stay sober yesterday? Well, by the time I got home from work and you guys were here, we ate and went to the meeting. How'd you stay sober day before?

Well, same thing. We went to that other meeting and then we drove down. We went, "How'd you stay sober last week?" Well, we went down to that halfway house and talked those guys out.

I was just too busy. Oh. Oh, keep moving.

Gee, drink so much coffee. He don't sleep. He's walking around like a zombie.

Great. Where are we going today? We're going to a meeting.

Okay. Keep him. He won't get a drunken driving charge if he's like a zombie.

If I have my way, we take his brain out of his head the first year. Ay's learned by by by by results. Gee, when I do this, I don't drink.

Gee, when I do that, see, most people most people think of consequences. Normal people think, well, if I do this, this going to happen. Aies never think of consequences.

Augie wants to dive off the big board. He goes out, gets on the big board, and jumps. He don't even look to see if there's any water.

Halfway down. It's God help me. Uh, no.

It's too late. Too late. How How do you explain eyes?

How do you explain to somebody eyes? How do you explain somebody I met people with good, strong, kind eyes? How do you explain that?

I met people that seem to know who they were, what they were, where they were, and where they're going. Where do you get that without a drink? Where did they get that strength?

I lived in fear all my life. Didn't even know what the hell I was afraid of. Doom.

John introduced me to two other men had the good rights. Three people, three people I liked. Boss, what do you think?

Cuz Bob, those people have something. I don't know what it is, but damn it, they have something. I'm going to find out what it is.

It's not me. I'm too young. He says, I got too much living to do.

They did all those things tell you not to. Bob did all his living. 18 months they've been in a white coat swallowing his tongue.

I come back to your meetings for four months. I come to your meeting and I hear, "Well, I had a business and I was a millionaire and I got drinking wine. I had wine sores.

I lost everything. Now I'm sober two months and I got six Cadillacs." I just sit out there and say, "Bullshit." I leave the meeting. I go home.

I walk in the kitchen. The wife say, "Hi, honey. How'd the meeting go?" What do you mean?

How'd the meeting go? I'm sober without more than you want. Good.

Aa solid. Hey, keep the kids quiet. You know, if the kids make noise, I'll get nervous and drink.

Oh, and you better have breakfast on the table. They said I got to eat breakfast. I don't have breakfast.

I'll get drunk. If I get drunk, it's your fault. Do us a favor.

Go get drunk. At least we had some peace. People, I didn't know my own children.

I didn't know my own kids till I had I come in the program when they were seven, eight, nine years old. My daughter was three. They were afraid of daddy.

Daddy was always some kind of nut. They were in the kitchen. I walked in the kitchen, they go in the living room.

If I went in living room, they go upstairs. They never brought kids over to my house cuz they never knew daddy was coming home sober or drunk. They was always living on pins and needles.

God, you get a second chance here. We got six grandkids. They think I'm I'm Well, the youngest is 21 now.

Going to Ohio State. Three of them already graduated. God almighty.

Had a tough time finishing high school and my kids are graduating from college. Grandkids. Isn't it great?

Thanks, AA. Thanks, AA. Justin, my tough little monkey.

Justin, I love him. God almighty. Plays football for college in Pittsburgh.

When Justin was 7 years old, he was taking karate. And Justin has to share everything with grandpa. Grandpa's his man.

One Saturday morning, I'm making coffee. And Justin comes running in the kitchen. He says, "Grandpa, I learned a new move today." I says, "You did what?" And he jumps up and kicks.

Now they kick when they're seven. Huh? I hit the kitchen floor like a ton of bricks.

I'm laying in a kitchen. I'm in tears. Justin jumping up and down.

It works. It works. It works.

My sponsor calls that coupons. You can keep those coupons. What does that got to do with sobriety?

I'll tell you what it's got to do with sobriety. You're going to come here and you're going to get a new brain. You're going to get a new brain.

And what's important to you when you get here? Money, clothes, cars, houses. Yeah, you'll get them.

You'll get them. They just won't mean a damn thing. You'll come to believe if it don't bleed to hell with it.

The only thing that's important in this world is people. People. Everything else will be taken care of.

And I'm not pie in the sky. I'm talking about times I had to borrow two bucks for gas to go to work. We didn't have the house payment for that month.

I said to myself, "Well, it's all over now. We're not going to make it this month." And at that time, land contract, you lost the house. And I come home from work and the wife say, "Guess what happened?" I said, "What?" She says, "The income tax check come." And we have the house payment.

Things like that went on in my house month after month after month. When I was out of work, guys, the meeting say, "Hey, Tommy, could you paint my house?" And they give me the money. Let me kept my respect.

keep my respect by working. God almighty. After four months, I decide my problem.

My problem isn't booze. I'm going to meetings and they're talking about golf trips and vacations. I can't even afford golf balls.

I heard about job in South Dakota. They were working 712s on the missile bases in in Rapid outside of Rapid City. Sturgeis, South Dakota.

And out I went as a result of a good apprenticeship. I was out there. I didn't drink.

I didn't drink for four months. I was sober for seven weeks out there. They put me in charge of the Titan 2 fuel systems.

Made a lot of money. There were over 2,000 guys in that job and it was hard to find a place to live. But one of the local guy come over.

He says, "Hey, Tom, my neighbor's husband passed away and she has a ranch, 300 acre ranch out there and she's going to live with the kids. You can lease it." I says, "Good deal. Got it." I lease a 300 acre chicken ranch.

I never seen a chicken in my life. So, here I am with this chicken ranch. I got coups and everything.

I figured, gee, there's 2,000 guys out in these jobs. They need eggs. See, you shouldn't.

We don't think small. I'll become the egg king. I'll get chickens.

I'll sell eggs. Oh my god. I'll open up one in New York, New Jersey, California.

I'll be the Mr. Egg. So, I go to the ranches.

I get chickens. I start getting eggs. I go to the job.

I say, "Hey, any of you guys need eggs? Stop at the ranch or I'll bring them in in the morning." And I bought a pickup truck. I'm going to put them in a pickup truck.

Some guy from Iowa says, "Hey, Tom, you ever have anything to do with chickens?" "No." "Well, you know, you got to put gravel in with the feed." I said, "What do you mean you got to put gravel?" He said, "Well, these are no wild chickens. They they need something for the eggshells." Is that right? He Yeah.

So, I called Tony. Tony was in charge of the heavy equipment and and the trucks and everything. And he was from New Jersey.

He never seen a damn chicken either. I say, "Tony, would you do me a favor and put some gravel out in the coops?" He says, "Don't worry, Tom. You're covered." 10 tons.

10 ton dump truck right into the chicken coops. Killed all the chickens that broke all nothing but scrambled eggs. That's all we had in that dead chickens.

That was the end of the egg career. That was I I'm an ali. I know there's somebody back there saying, "Jesus, Christ, I come here to tell you how to stay sober in this guy's telling me about killing chickens.

What the hell does that got to do with sobriety?" I'll tell you what's got to do with sobriety. If you don't know what you're doing, get a sponsor. Got to tell you about the new brain you get.

Got to tell you this story because I to this day I I I just love it. I'm sober. Kate's 23 20 years ago.

I'm coming home from from a meeting in Avon Lake on Friday night and I'm driving down Electric Boulevard and I look up and there's a red moon. You ever see those big moons that you could almost touch? And Katie got red hair.

And I says, "My god, look at that." When I was drinking, I never noticed things like that. I played golf here with John, a few other people the other day, Danny, and we had a good time. You know, bunch of drunks playing golf.

And golfing, des kick the can. Anyway, I go to my son Craig and Chris. staying live two blocks from me and I go around the corner and I go to Craig's house.

I says, "Craig, is Katie up?" He says, "Yeah." I says, "Can I just put her to bed? She's awake. Can I say, can I borrow him?" And he says, "Of course you can borrow it, daddy." Katie got red hair.

Knocked her socks off. Still does. Three years old.

I picked her up. I come on Katie. I got a present for you.

And I took her out in the driveway. I said, "Katie, you see that moon?" She Yeah, grandma. Is that your moon, Kate?

See, things like this when you're sober are important to you. That's your moon, Kate. Only that big ones, not them little ones.

Only when they're like that. Kate's in Ohio State. If we have a full moon, my phone will ring.

I don't care where I am. Grandpa, see my moon? She never forgot.

Never forgot. Come on from Florida. I was down in Naples leading a meeting.

I had an 85 Chrysler convertible. Never seen rain. Red with a white top, white leather.

Love that car. It's my horny car. Whenever I got horny, I put the top down, took the wife for a ride down through the Vermillion Lagoons.

Had it detailed all the time. And I come home from Florida. I look over the garage and the car's gone.

That don't shake me up because I fig, well, who's doing the car this year? And she said, I got to talk to you about that. I said, "What do you mean you got to talk to me about that?" She says, "Well," she says, "You know, while you were gone, uh, Katie turned 16." I says, "Yeah." And Katie always loved that car.

I said, "Yeah." She says, "So, I gave it to her." Gave it to her. I said, "Lance, she could use the car anytime she wants, but for crying, just to give it to her." Whoop! Whoa.

That's what they say when they were in that Allen. Whoa. Picks up the phone.

She says, "Katie, grandpa's home." I look out the window about 5 minutes. Here comes Kate with the red hair flowing the top down. Runs in the house, kisses me.

Says, "Oh, grandpa, I love it." I said, "Oh, I'm so happy for you." Oh, God. Well, you buy another car. That's what you're going to do.

She gives them all cars. All the grandkids get cars. 16 get a car right that come here I didn't have two nickels by cars big deal huh big deal God almighty the wife June she left in December cuz twice my family almost froze to death I'm on a drunken town the cops locked me up they called her to come get me she come in town to get me and hit a snowbank and if it wasn't for a few law that found my wife uh with her eyes froze shut on the highway.

My family would have froze. It happened twice. So finally she just packed up and I come home one time from work and she was gone.

Just a note saying never want to see you again. Goodbye. And I lost the job cuz I couldn't read a print tomorrow.

I'm back welding. Uh I told her hood down in February. I hear Christmas carols.

Some guy from Ohio says Tommy I'm going home. Let me take you. Get to the back door in Ohio.

She says, "Just keep going. I got the papers in for the divorce. I don't want the kids to see you.

I don't want to see you." And says, "No screaming, no nothing. Just calm as could be. Just get out of my wives." I get ticketed to go to work in New York.

I get to New York. I'm too sick to work. I stop in for a couple of drinks.

Next thing I know, I'm sleeping in airways, hallways, subways, stoops, corners. I used I'll never drink wine. and they pass a brown paper bag.

You don't ask what's in it. You drink any damn thing you get your hands on when you get sick enough. I wake up one morning.

I'm a Coney Island Avenue in a dark hallway. I don't know if it's night or day, but I hear a woman sobbing. My god, she's sobbing.

It's my mother. My god, son. She says, "Please go get help." Mom, what's the matter?

I'm fine. She's fine. You look like death warmed over.

You're killing me, son. That's drink and living. And all I'm here to do is show you the difference.

And I guarantee you sober's better. Same guy, same woman. 10, 15 years later, young guy comes into AA.

He always was a good mechanic, but he never never knew the business end of the business. But in AA, he meets engineers and estimators and attorneys and bookkeepers and accountants, and they teach him the business end of the business. So him and his son Chris go into business together and then Craig comes in and God almighty it it the timing was perfect.

Everything I know what it was but everything we touched turning a gold. We got third one time we had 27 guys working. Normally we carry about 17 19 nine.

I'm writing paychecks every week from one I made in a year. Big money to me. A lot of people know but big money to me.

And I remember going down to visit my sponsor. He moved to Fort Meyers and it was 78 degrees and I said, "My god, my mom and dad are up in New York freezing to death and look at this. These time there's a place for sale around the corner." So I went around the corner.

I bought it. Went back to New York. Got my mom and dad took them to Florida.

Now my mother's in the kitchen and she's crying with their tears of joy. >> Tears of joy. Look what Tommy got us.

Look what Tommy got us. Look what AA got us. That's my AA people here and now.

I didn't come here to learn how to die. You people showed me how to live. You people showed me how to give.

I never used to think of anybody but me. Christ, I didn't know what life is all about. And you won't eat it.

So you start giving. More you give, the more you'll get. I leave the hallway and I'm going to commit suicide.

I get down on Third Avenue. I was going to jump off the L. You know what I'm thinking is I'm going down to the L.

Boy, they're going to be sorry when they hear what happened to me. Huh? That's how sick you get.

And I look over the rocks and I see the the bridge and I see the great big boulders, the rocks. And I had a spiritual awakening. Something said, "Suppose you jump, hit the rocks, and don't die." Oh my god, that's going to hurt.

Huh? Oh no, no, no, no. I don't know any algae wants to hurt.

The wife was having a tough time trying to work. She was back nursing, trying to raise four kids. It was tough.

She gave me, she sent me some money to come home. She figured if I got back in town, I'd go to work. I went down the hall.

They gave me a three-day job. I got the ticket to cash the check. I woke up in jail cuz I went home, wrecked the house, cried all night.

Not because I'm alcoholic. I thought I was crazy. What the hell am I doing in jail again?

Why did I do this time? I look between the bars. There's my nutty brother-in-law.

And he looks good. His eyes are bright. And even him, I got to put up my wall.

You can't let anybody in. Bob, can you imagine I'm in jail again? They laughed at me.

Yeah. Well, I can imagine you're in jail again. You're just like me.

You're crazy when you drink, Tommy. I haven't had a drink in eight days. Eight days.

Ah, you can't go eight days, Bob. You can't make eight days, Tommy. I got out of the the straps.

I went to detox. I got a sponsor. I go to two meetings a day.

I'm going to one tonight. If they don't send you away, I'll take you. That night, him and a man holding up to me, my father come to my house.

They took me to Lorraine St. Mary's. I can't tell you a thing about the lead, but I remember sitting at tables and inside I'm screaming, "Oh, God, help me.

I'm different than these people. I'm nuts. I'm not like these people.

I can't do it. God, please help me." Man sat down. He said, "How you doing, young fell?" I says, "Fine, fine." The man had become my sponsor, shook hands with another man.

He says, "I'll see you next week." And I physically grabbed him. I said, "How do you know that? How do you know you're going to see him next week?

I don't even know if I'm going to make it home tonight. You're going to see him next week. He's back off and come with me.

We went to a drugstore. We got vitamin B, ko syrup, orange juice, and honey. Sat on my kitchen table.

He poured out the vitamin B pills. Mix the honey and the orange juices. Take them and drink that.

Third step. That's my third step. I turned my life over to him.

I didn't have a god people. Him. I could see.

He was real. He was sober. And his eyes were good.

And And I got the feeling he liked me. Cut the film. He just face you.

Just just Hey, come on. Took the pills. Dr.

Did you book the B? What time is it? 10 after 12.

You have a drink today, Tom. No. Good.

You got it. Got what? Got the program.

What program? 24 hours. You haven't had a drink.

That's bottom line. I'll see you at 8:00. You realize you'll have oneird of today in.

Keep it simple. I beg you. Keep it simple.

8:00 that man was old enough to be my father was at my front door. Took me to Stella Mars the halfway house. I got a shot of vitamin B.

Went to two discussion groups and that night I went home and I ate and we went to a meeting and we went to a meeting and we went to a meeting 90 days I don't know meetings meetings meetings meetings and more meetings and things at home were people we had no intentions of trying to save a marriage. I slept on the couch. He slept in the bed.

And there was no love, no respect, no nothing in our home. It was just survival. That's all it was.

We were together for survival. Life was miserable. Meetings.

Meetings. I remember saying, "I can't go to meeting. I got to spend some time with the wife and kids and my daughter come running with my clothes.

Here, daddy, you go. Please go, daddy. We love it when you go, daddy.

meetings, meetings, meetings and listen and listen and wonder why why make coffee. They put me on coffee. I had coffee for three years and that's before you had the cups.

We used to wash the cups. Washed cups all the time. What the hell am I doing washing cups?

I'm sober. I go to a meeting and somebody says any any anniversaries and somebody said Tom sober a year. Oh god, everybody clapped.

I got a head that big. I'm driving home. years.

So this guy, say Tom, you still sleeping on the couch? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

How come? Well, there's not nothing going on in our house. And and uh soon as we have enough money, we'll probably get divorced.

Hey, Tommy, it's so a year. Time you went to the bed, put her on the couch. Is that right?

Yeah. Damn right. Damn right.

This guy. So, you're still broke? I said, "Yeah, you give her money every week.

You're working a year, all year, 40 hours, and you're giving her 40 checks every every week and you're still broke. Yeah. She don't know how to handle money, Tommy.

Is that right? Yeah. She's probably un drunk.

Is that right? Yeah. Damn right.

I'm going to handle the money. I'm the only one in the car. I'll guarantee you 90% of the AIS in this room got nuts in their head.

And I always listen to the Looney Tunes. Tommy, you're going out to speak in Vegas next week. Why don't you bring about five grand and stay a few weeks?

Oh, that's a great idea. Yeah. Bring the divorce papers with you because you're not going home.

Oh, yeah. I walked in the house and I walked in the living room and she was in reading those books. I listen, new game rules.

From now on, you're going to sleep on the bed in the couch. I'm going to sleep in the bed cuz I work. And from now on, I'm going to handle the money because apparently you don't know how to handle money.

I don't know why we're still broke. And from now, I said, "Whoa, whoa." I says, "Whoa, do you know what today is?" She, "Do I know what today is?" Go out in the kitchen, look at the calendar. And I went out in the kitchen.

It was a great big red circle. July the 5th. Tomber, one year today.

Still crazy. I used to think I used to think our problem was booze. I used to think you run right down my neighbor like a little spoiled brat because the booze made you haven't had anything to drink a year, Tom.

And you're still the same. For my sanity, for the kids sanity, I got to divorce you, Tom. There's no difference in our life.

Drunk or sober, you're still the same. The only thing is you smell different. I went to the meeting.

I grabbed the oldtimes. I said you lied to me. You told me things were going to get better.

My wife's divorcing me. Whoa. Whoa.

Tommy, we said we said you were going to get better than you. Make your life better. I never got a divorce.

Tom. Bill. Did you get divorced yet?

Tell Tom about the war. Ah, Tom. They're great.

You're going to get spiritual. She's going to take every damn material thing you own, Tom. Sit down.

Sit down. Don't You're not going to get sympathy. Don't look for sympathy.

Cuz we know you're in the position you're in because of you. Nobody put you there but you. It's nobody's fault but yours.

I was sober 14 months. A guy get up here. He was sober for six years.

He told my story. God almighty, we lived in the same heads, drank in the same place, and his wife was with him. And they were going on their first vacation after six years.

They were going to Watch Lake, Tennessee on a housebo, and they just bought a new refrigerator for the apartment that that weekend. Yeah, they had problems, but they were working it out. And she was looking at him like he was some kind of movie star.

And he ended his lead. He said, "Take it home. Yo yo, take the program home.

Act as if until we know you're not there yet, but act act as if you got 10 years. What would you do if you had 10 years? I used sponsor's heads.

I used everybody's heads. I I remember I was going to quit a job, throw the hood across the floor, and punch the foreman in the mouth. And I said, "Tommy, what would Jay do?

Jay, we get a cup of coffee and laugh." Well, then you better get a cup of coffee and laugh, huh? Because if you do that, you're not going to be working. I use my sponsor's head.

So, I got a brain. After meeting, I sat down at a table. I said to a bunch of guys, don't tell me to take the program home.

How do you do that? Tell me, when was the last time you called up and said, "Honey, thanks for supper." What do you mean, thanks for nice supper? I bought the food.

When was the last time you thought anybody but yourself, Tom? When was the last time you called up your wife to a show and dinner? Never.

I might have been sober for 14 months. I never thought of anybody but me. Old time comes over.

He's can I talk to you over there a minute? I says, "Sure." I thought he needed some advice. Put me against the corner.

He said, "Your self-centered self, the son of a gun." He says, "Do you you you forget a year ago you were sleeping in the weeds? Now you got a warm bed to sleep in. You have your family.

You have a job. You a few pennies in your pocket. And all you do is moan and groan.

You're so over 14 months. You haven't got a Cadillac. Isn't that a damn shame?

When you going to learn When you going to learn how to say, "Thank you, God, for the things you have." Stop moaning, groaning about the things you want. The things you want may get you drunk, Tom. And he walked away.

I thought, "My God, I got to do something. I better change or I'm going to try." If you don't change, if you don't grow, you go. Simply that.

I do things in pain. Pain is my greatest gift. When things are going great in my life and I start coasting, boy, I coast downhill.

You let pain come in my life and I start moving. Your greatest spiritual advances you're going to make is in times of pain. Don't yell about pain.

Pain's a blessing. If it wasn't for pain, a lot of us be dead. On the way home, I stopped at a like a Lawson store, a convenience store, and I bought a box of chocolate covered cherries, $189.

And this is this big deal here. First time I thought of anybody but me. Okay, we call making amends.

I took the card and the candy and a card. Thanks for being there when I needed your loved home. And I walked home.

I got in the back door. I walked in. I didn't even have the guts to give him to her.

I put them on the kitchen table. I walked in the living room. I said, "Clan, I heard a guy talk tonight.

And damn it, Glenn, I want to be like him. Do you know they're going on a vacation with the kids? that when I was going on vacations, I talked to her like she had a brain.

I talked to her like she had feelings. First time in years. Yeah, you have a brain.

Drinks don't also don't come into the brain. I said, I'm going to change. Glenn, give me give me a few months.

If you don't see a change, I'll give you whatever you need and I'll leave. said, "But if I do change, we might have a good life like that guy and his wife and those kids." And she smiled. She said, "Who led the meeting?

Jesus, I make some coffee." She went out in the kitchen and it wasn't two minutes I heard Hard Gal crying. And I went out in the kitchen. She had the card and the candy and the tears flowed like the dam fell open.

And you know, we talked till 3:00 in the morning cuz I listened. We talked and we hugged and we talked and we cried and we talked and we hugged till 3:00 in the morning. And that was the beginning of our marriage again.

Got out the envelopes, put 10 a week in this one, five a week in that one. Anybody on the couch, get a box of candy. I come home one one day and my wife says, "Tom, set $30 on the on the kitchen table." I says, "Yeah." She that's ours, Tom.

30 bucks, big deal. Yeah, that's ours. I took my new used car, my kids, and we went out to Sunduski, Ohio to a pancake house.

I bought $30 worth of pancake, strawberries, and whipped cream. And we had one of those big boots, one of those round boots. My daughter was four years old.

And and she come running around and kissed me on the cheek. Daddy, can I have some more strawberries? I You can be a strawberry.

My daughter kissed me. Said, "Daddy, I love you." That's my AA. My sons dr and got in the car in the front seat cuz they wanted to be with daddy again.

That's my AA. Now we take golf vacations. We take God almighty.

Every Sunday they take my money on the golf course to hustle. Okay, I'll wrap this up or give me the biggest secret you're going to get here. My phone rings at midnight.

He says, "Tom, come pick me up." About time you did some 12step work. And I went and I picked up this guy, my old-timer, and we went to a house and we walked into a little cottage, like my cottage, little summer cottage, and and there was a woman by the kitchen sink, and she had a bruise on her face, and she was crying. And there were two kids, five, six years old, in sneakers and underwear right there by the door.

And there was a lump in on the couch, a lump. And the kids were crying and scared like all these kids are crying and scared. And she said, "My husband's dead.

He asked me to call and he died." And I went in the living room and I picked this guy up. I listened for a heart. I listened for a breath.

Nothing. I said, "Why'd you have to die on my first stop call? You son of a gun.

What am I going to tell the guys Friday night?" I go to carry the message. I get a cops. What the hell you want me to do?

I'm nut. I'm back out to the kitchen. I says, "Hey, Bill, this guy is he's lady, do you have anything in the house to drink?" She said, "I have a bottle of wine." He took the wine and a glass, walked in the living room, hit them together, says, "Hey, buddy, want a drink?" Sat right up.

Let me tell you what impresses a drunk. Let me tell you what impresses a drunk. He filled the glass, gave it to the guy.

When the guy drank it halfway down, he took the glass from and filled it again. Guy said, "Boy, you guys are all right." He's damn right. Want to go to a party down to Bay View Hospital.

Boom. I get home at 5:00 in the morning. Go to work.

Come home at 5:00 that night. I don't even want to eat. I'm going to bed.

Phone rings. Oldtime. Just stop and see the new man.

No, I didn't stop and see the new man. I'm not retired. I worked all day.

I'm going to bed. No, you're not. You're going down to see the new man.

No, I'm not. I don't even like the new man. I don't care if he's You're tired.

You don't like him. You like him. Has nothing to do with it.

He's going to be there 5 days. His life is in your hands. You see him every day.

Burns. I says, "Bill, I don't know what to tell him." He who says you got to tell him anything. Can you get him some cigarettes and sit on his bed and let him know somebody cares enough to be there?

Can you do that? I went and got cigarettes and I went to the hospital and I walked in the call and I seen him. Walked in the room.

I says, "Hello there. How you doing? They treating you all right?

Everything all right?" Look, my sponsor says, "I got to come talk to you. I don't like you, but I'm going to come." And I bought some cigarettes. Here's a goddamn cigarette.

I lit the cigarette and he says, "Thanks. You say you don't know what to say. Listen to your gut.

Just remember how you felt when you were there. That's sponsorship. You don't have to read know anything.

Just feel how you felt cuz that's how he feels. And I said, "I bet you don't know where you are or how you got here. How do you know that?" because I woke up in jail a short time ago and I didn't know how I got there.

You know, ah, you know, that's the beginning of sponsorship. Now you got sponsorship and we become tight. I run him to meetings, meetings, meetings.

Kids call me Uncle Tom. He gets in my car. He's sober three months.

He says, "You read the 24-hour book today." No, I didn't read the 24-hour book today. Oh, Tom, that 24-hour book is great. So, I bought one 24-hour book.

5 months, he gets in my car. He says, "Fifth chapter blows your mind, don't it?" I bought a big book. I don't know.

I don't know where you people were. people I could read. But I promise you, by the time I read this paragraph and got to this one, I couldn't tell you what was in that one.

I got aa in church basement, cars, kitchens, going down and listen to Sister Nation talk to new people and put a finger right in their chest and coffee shops and coffee shops and kitchens and fellowship and people that lived it. And I followed them and I put my feet where they put theirs. eight months.

The phone rings and this woman's crying. She says, "Tommy, can you please come down the house?" I figured that son of a gun's drinking after all I did. See, when you knew, you think you're doing it, you and I got out of the car and I was walking up towards the screen door and the door slammed and I looked up and here come this woman and and she was crying and she took my hands and put them behind my back and she put her cheek against mine and kissed me on the cheek and she said, "God bless you, Tom Burns, and God bless AA." And I could still feel the tears.

That's when AA goes from here to here. That's when it gets in your blood. I love this program.

I have a son that's got 20 years of sobriety. Here's a woman blessing me. I'm a drunk.

I might I can't separate AA from my life anymore. I separate my fingers from my hand. And I don't want to people because without it I'm nothing.

Two kids grab me. Come on, Uncle Tom. Go in a bedroom.

He's standing by the bed crying. And there's a bed full of Levis's and slips and dresses. Little bicycle refrigerator.

Want CAA? Watch a six-year-old kid with a pair of Levis's jumping up and down the bed saying, "Look what my daddy got me. Look what my daddy got me." Looking at his daddy like he's Superman.

I don't hug. I I don't like to hug, but but boy, I hugged him. And I and I started to tear up and I don't want him to see that.

So, I leave. I I'm going home. And and I says, "God, I never I don't know.

I don't have a relationship with you that these other guys do, but I'll tell you, I like this, God. I'm going to keep moving the feet, and you keep putting me in places like this cuz I love it." And I got to my house. I said to my wife, "My God, honey, I wish you were with me.

I would have loved you to see those kids in that house." And she said, "Yeah, I never seen you so happy. You want to get happy? Forget yourself.

You think you got problems? Go to a hospital and talk to a new man. You'll forget your problems real quick.

Cuz when you're thinking of somebody else besides yourself, God can do his work. One more thing, we'll wrap it up. My daughter come in the program as a result of three years of sobriety.

She she went to work for an advertising concern and they gave her a Coca-Cola account. She traveled all over the world and between assignments in New Orleans and everywhere she would come home and we sit at the kitchen table all night. My daughter tell me about AA in New Orleans and Washington.

Oh god, Aruba and here and there and she said, "Dad, my next assignment is in Florida, Dad." And um but I don't want anybody touch my antiques. I said, "Don't worry about it. Anything you want, you got we'll get the company truck if we have to.

put the So, we put the antiques in the truck and we drive down to Florida, unload the antiques and and my wife and I went out for dinner. She said she didn't want to go. She wanted to straighten out the apartment.

Next morning, my wife and I went swimming. She called us. Come on, I made breakfast.

She was so proud. She made us breakfast and gave us notes how much she loved us. And we went over and visit my mom and visit my sponsor and went home.

And 10 days later, a cop come to Dylan. He said, "Mrs. Burns.

I I hate to be the one to tell you that your daughter was murdered. Some drug addict needed money for drugs and and uh he must have cased the the antiques and uh got in and she woke up and he killed her and they caught him and uh you got through the justice system for two years. That drive you out of your mind and um I don't know how you react.

I'll tell you how I react. All my life I'm talking about this great God. This great God.

Well, I went on the backyard. eyes of God, you can go to hell. I'm going to get a shotgun.

I'm going to flood. I'm going to blow somebody's damn head off. And I don't care what you do.

You sick son of a gun. You You let things like this happen. See, God gets blamed for a lot of things.

He has nothing to do with a lot of things. So, for 3 years, you don't eat, you don't sleep, you go from a 185 to 142, you go to bed 11, wake up at 12:00, pace the floor all night. To make a long story short, you're in the kitchen one time to measure something and you can't even read a rule.

You're getting to know your name. You don't even know why you went to the kitchen and and your wife walks in from shopping and you don't want her to see you that way. So, you tell her to get out and it is in 10 minutes your son Chris who's got 5 years of at that time and another AA come to your house and they take you to to the emergency room and the doctor says, "How do you feel Mr.

Burns?" And I don't care if I live or die. Never say that to a doctor. They they want to put you in a little room.

My son says, "You're not going to put my dad in any room." So we call my family doctor. They put me in a ward. Some guy comes in.

When was the last time you slept? I What's that? He give me a pill.

I walk like a zombie for 4 days. Just walk down. I'm there a week, week and a half, nothing's happening.

Just nothing's happening. I'm like, I'm out just full of hate. The only one I can communicate with is a nurse.

I said, "How do you how do you deal with a job like this?" She said, "I raised eight kids. This is duck soup. This is nothing." After after a while, let me come home for a weekend and see how I react.

I'm not in the house 10 minutes and I I go nuts, raged, tears rug. Back to the hospital and nothing's working. And my son comes to the hospital.

Five years sobriety. What can he know? Huh?

What can you know with five years? He's dad. These people may help you physically and they may help you mentally, but me and this program dad, we're going to help you spiritually.

I take your program and stick it and take your guard and stick it. He killed my daughter. Now, if you meet my son, you'll see him.

He's 6'5, 280. And and he picked me up. Dad, I want to talk to you.

Don't blame my God for killing my sister. You're a very sick drug addict. My sister, he had no more control over himself than you did when you were drinking.

Dad, this isn't the God you told me about all my life. This isn't the God that took you off the streets. This isn't God that gave me my family back.

Go to the people in AA and look at the eyes. Is that a killing God? >> Why don't you get rid of the sick son of a gun you got and borrow mine so you get a good one?

Use my god, Dad. He He loves He probably cried when my sister was murdered, too. I'm going to sponsor you, Dad, whether you like it or not.

He says, "You don't drink, but your life's unmanageable." My son sponsored me. My son lived with me for two years like a mother hand. We go to business meetings and they would ask questions.

I would light my pipe. He answered the questions. Nobody knew I was sick.

People don't even know I'm sick now. They don't know. my daughter.

I spend more time and those of you who lost children, listen to me. I spend more time with my daughter now than I did when she was here. I talk to her every day.

I don't hear her voice, but I hear I I get her thoughts. Like right now, she's saying, "Sit down, Wendy." That's what she Thank you. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise.

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