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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> And there's a third one here.

>> My name is Larry Van Dusen. I'm an alcoholic. >> Those that care to you join me in the serenity prayer.

>> God, grant me the serenity >> to accept the things I cannot change. the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know that I appreciate having the invitation to come over and share with you tonight. um being able to do that uh u whatever the meeting is, whatever the occasion is, I think that's uh one of the benefits of uh of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I think it's one of the uh necessities to share when we can with others be it a big group, medium group or small group, sitting in the parking lot, you know, in a meeting and before a meeting, after a meeting, trying to reach out to somebody else to pass on to them what's been given to us, whether it's our first week, our first year, or whatever it happens to be. Uh that's part of my understanding. Last drink I've had up to the moment was uh approximately, as I can remember, about 10:00 in the morning on November 11th of 1975 up in Madison, Wisconsin.

And that's the day a guy picked me up and uh took me for a ride down to a small town about a half hour away called Stoton, Wisconsin. And I met with a guy, a person who was the director of a rehab place. I didn't know why I was going, uh what it was going to be about.

and uh he decided he wanted to keep me and I haven't had a drink since >> and so uh after being in the program and and after coming down to Cleveland I was about 6 months sober uh that's when I got into our meetings around here and I heard uh uh things like uh sponsorship and home groups now maybe I heard that in Wisconsin I don't know but I maybe I just too knew to understand and so once I understood about a home group I I got my uh uh myself a home group and I've had one ever since and once I understood about a a sponsor u there was a fell in the area that uh my understanding of a sponsor was to you know work with somebody smarter than you in AA well when I was here I looked around everybody's smarter than me but you have to be willing to admit that some of us aren't willing to admit that old one of our westside guys that knows a lot of people here uh Harold Jacobson uh was my first sponsor and I remember asking him, it was at the midnight meeting over in Puritis. So by the time after the meeting had to be about 1:30 a.m. And I asked Carol to be my sponsor and he was my sponsor the day he died and the day they had the service in the reception down at Stella's.

fell in a car was uh riding with me by the name of Eddie Door and I from our Bria area and Eddie had started Bria Mens, my home group and uh and so I asked Eddie to be my sponsor and the day he passed away he had 52 years in our program uninterrupted sobriety which meant then I needed to have another sponsor because I believe in the concept of sponsorship and so there's another area another fell in our area very active used to run with a lot of the old-timers and Guspatakis and uh and Ted Rusnicks and people like that and uh by the name of Kenny and I asked Kenny if he'd be my sponsor and he said yes and uh Kenny and I and my wife had dinner last night. I I try to be in touch with him uh every week whether we uh just talk or whether we meet at meetings that but I take it upon myself to make the contact with my sponsor. on occasion he'll do that with me but uh I I look at as my responsibility to make the connection and I ask him to be the sponsor so I need to keep in touch with him and what I found with the sponsorship just real simple long as I'm talking about it is uh two things that became important one was I had somebody in my life that I could totally trust totally trust my early years wasn't anybody like that because you see I'm not trustworthy so why would I trust Jew and then after getting sober for a while and starting to learn about that and then the second factor was confidentiality when I shared things with uh with any of my sponsors which I'd done many times I never had to qualify it by saying listen I'm going to tell you something that I don't want you to tell anybody else that just has never come up and so when I share something with Ken or with Harold or with Ed I'm never concerned about going beyond that source and I hope the guys that I sponsor have that same understanding with me but uh those are some of my basics as I look at my life today u uh everything that's in my life today is because of sobriety recovery uh God of my understanding and a program called Alcoholics Anonymous when I was uh at my bottom and I destroying everything in my life and I'll touch a little bit on that doing it Larry's way, which didn't work and hating and reuh resetting everybody and drinking over it.

I was on a downhill slide once I was introduced to the program and the people you gave me a whole new way of life. I've adopted that. I don't have any second, third, or fourth program that I feed into that that uh that's allowed my whole life to change.

And so I can look back on everything that's in my life today that's got a whole another relationship to in a positive way because of not drinking because of the quality of sobriety a program of recovery called alcoholics anonymous and all those steps and principles and a god of my understanding. Now that's very clear to me is I'm not looking for something else, another way to live and I've got good books and I got big books and I got uh uh our literature and that's my guideline and so far it's worked and I'm not taking a vacation from something allowed me a vacation and I'm not going to retire from something allowed me retirement. I was in the athletic business, the football ministers for 41 years.

And I know this, there's a theme. Don't underestimate your opponent. If you do, you're allowed to get whipped.

And I spent years underestimating alcohol. And it beat me time and time and time and time again. And I never even identified it as the enemy or the opponent at the time.

Everybody else was the opponent. the wife, the authorities, the doctor, the in-laws, the outlaws, all that. Okay?

They're the opponent. And alcohol was the teammate that I put in my system to give me the strength, to give me the wisdom, to give me the courage, to give me the whatever to go ahead and deal with that. And I misjudged it and I lost.

The guy said to me, I had a long losing streak when I came here. Guy told me one time, you know, uh uh Larry, if a team beats you all the time, every time you play them, like around here, like Pittsburgh and the Browns just recently, not not in the old days. But he said, "You know, if you had an opponent that beats you all the time, you know what to do about it." And I was looking for his wisdom.

What what what do you do? He says, "Um, get them off the schedule. you don't play them and they don't beat you.

Now, think of the wisdom of that. See, and so that's not a loss. And when I finally figured out he's talking about alcohol and getting them off the schedule meant don't drink.

If I don't drink, I at least got a chance. And that's what they told me. I have a chance to recover.

And and others have done it if I'm willing to do what they've done. And so, uh, as I look at, uh, at my life, you know, I was six months sober, somebody offered me a job over in Brie, Ohio. And, uh, and he took a chance on me and, uh, 28 years later, I finally retired.

And in that process of of life and events, um, uh, like they say, the pieces of life will come back together, not necessarily the original pieces. And so my first wife never came back, but I I met a lady in the program Maryland and some knew her and she was a just a dynamite uh lady along with being a great AA. And unfortunately after 10 years, cancer took her out of out of our life.

And then another lady I I met uh going back to a high school reunion and uh we married and it's been 18 years later. She knows nothing about AA. Uh, as a matter of fact, AA's overwhelmed her in the beginning.

She didn't understand who we were or what we're like. And we go places and they grab her and hug her and shake her little bitty. What are these people doing?

See, I tell you something that caught her eye one day. Oh, just before we got married, her dad died in South Bend, Indiana, about three and a half hours from uh from uh uh Cleveland. And I'm down there for a visitation.

And well, like I say, we're engaged but not married. And all of a sudden, through the door came uh three or four AAS that drove down from the Cleveland area all the way down there, found that funeral home, came into that funeral home, walked over to her, walked over to me, and the relatives are saying, "Who's that?" And they came down to pay their respect. and she said, "Why would they do that?" And about the best I can do is that that's what AAS do.

They're concerned about others. They're there about a half hour and they go back and get in the car and drive another 3, four hours home. Now, a lot of people would not do that.

They knew nobody except me and had met Barbara. But out of their their love and concern and habits, they executed and they came down. They had their meeting down.

They had the visitation to meet him back. And all those guys are sober to this day. Isn't that interesting?

And so that exposure to us was a a whole new way of life. But you know, we uh we have a house that's paid for. We got a couple of cars.

I've never been a money guy. So, don't let me give the impression it's just, you know, going to work and doing what you're supposed to do and saving what you can and paying when you can. And all of a sudden, I've got uh uh two daughters and and a son and my wife has two daughters and uh and uh their hus and we got 11 grandchildren, you know, and I'm grandpa to all of them.

We don't separate his and hers and ours. And uh and I'm a sober grandpa. A good friend of mine said in the meeting one time, you know, uh the terms grandpa and badass just don't go together.

And I found that so true. So true. And uh you know, on Friday, I was 71.

I I had continued to be 71 years old. On Saturday, I became 72. I never figured out how you can live day by day.

And all of a sudden, after midnight, a year went by. But when I got home and answered the phone, I had one of those little soft voices. Grandpa, happy birthday.

I love you. Say, click. Now, uh, what do you have to do to earn that?

See, so just one of those little reward things. As a drunk, I don't get that call. The thing just doesn't happen.

So, it's very clear to me uh what was wrong, who was wrong, and what to do about it. And I've just been trying to do what others have done. I don't have original thinking or or great philosophy.

I just try to follow those that uh have gone ahead like our book says uh uh seldom seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed the path. I've been trying to follow the path. I am not one that's trying to come up with a new path or a shortcut.

because that doesn't work. I remember watching a a a World War II movie one time. I I think it was with Clint Eastwood.

I'm just watching the war movie and the guys come up and there's a minefield and you know Clint's going to get across. So he's marking and he gets to the other side and he looks back and says, you know, just step in my steps and follow me across and you'll be okay. And I'm thinking chapter five, first sentence.

The first guy gets across. Second guy gets across. Third guy gets the fourth guy's got his own agenda.

GOES FOR A SHORTCUT. BOOM. He doesn't make it.

And to me, that was the program in action through watching a war movie for crying out loud. They ask us to follow the path. There's already been a lot of bodies along the way.

Some were buried sober and some were not buried sober. They just were buried. And so I can either stay on the path and go to the far end of it.

Like a guy told me one time, he says, "This is a marathon, Larry. This isn't some short sprint. You're in here for the long haul.

This race goes on on a daily basis." And so, uh, uh, that's the preparation for that. See, me not knowing any of that, me not knowing anything about alcohol, alcoholism, it wasn't in my family, it wasn't in uh, uh, maybe there were people around me. I didn't notice that at the time.

I just growing up And so once I left home, I never had a problem. I knew what my mom and dad's rules were. You did this and you don't do that.

And I knew what the coach's rules were. We always had training rules. You do this and you don't do that.

And when I went to to uh Sunday school, they had rules and regulations. And since a little kid, I I I heard what they said. You do this and you don't do that.

I have never had a problem knowing the rules. However, on occasion, I've had trouble following the rules, and I know when I would violate mom's rules, the coach's rules, there are usually some kind of uh uh punishment or something that goes along with that. And so, as a as a kid early on, I'm learning already when I violate your rules is to try not to get caught.

And one of the first things I learned was lie. You know, don't admit to it. come up with a different story, blame somebody else.

I'm just talking about as a kid, I had even tasted alcohol. So, I think that's instinctive with a lot of us in here way before we started to put it down. Once I started to do that, then I had to exaggerate and I had to come up with better stories and uh bigger lies.

It could have stopped, but I didn't think about that. And so, uh, somehow I get through the, uh, the high school years and and off to college. And that's when I got into the series, drink it.

Had a couple of, uh, ex- teammates of mine that, uh, were older. They were men in my eyes. They were my new heroes.

And they asked me to go into Chicago with them one time, and I went. I'd have gone anywhere with them being included. And uh, and I've seen to be a a person that long time has always had some self-doubt.

uh always kind of uh uh felt inferior in certain areas. And I don't know about you, but there's times I felt superior. You know, if we're on the ball field or we're on the on the court or we're on something that has to do with that, I'm okay.

But you put me in a classroom. You put me with wealthy or smart people and I feel, you know, way out of place. So that maturity was a long time coming.

I'm not sure it's there yet. And so John and Lou asked me to go in Chicago. I did.

They drank. I drank. Then I uh I like to look back as a time at uh I was introduced to the magic of uh of alcohol.

All of a sudden I got the glow. I got the feeling. I got the uh the benefits the what seemed like positive benefits from drinking.

And I like that because now I felt confident. I felt assured. I felt cool.

All that stuff. And I don't know about you, but when I feel that I'm looking to do that again. And then I want to do it again.

And I have a tendency, you might find this uh strange, but I have a tendency when I'm drinking sometimes to overdrink. And I might go past that peak and then I wake up in places and the people say, "You did this, you said that. We're blackballing you.

Your car smashed. You're flunking out." And what happened? I'm still looking for that that uh that uh perfect evening.

you know that evening when you went out and you were at the peak of all your qualities. Maybe you got lucky that night or whatever it was that you were doing and uh and I wake up the next day and I maybe I got a little hangover, maybe a little sickness and I like what it was last night, but I'm not that way now. But I don't want you to know I'm not like that.

I don't want you to look at me and not see who I thought I was last night. So now I got to pretend. And when I pretend, that means it's not real.

and I'm a phony and I don't want you to know I'm a phony. And so you start your swagger, you start your talk, you start your action, you start doing whatever it fits your image. Look at all the disguises we bring into these rooms when we first get sober.

We hide behind the the clothing. We hide behind the beards. We hide behind the hair.

We hide behind anything I can put on to hide behind. And when you look at me, that's what you see. But what's inside I don't want you to see because that's where the phony is.

And after we get sober and clean up our different versions of our life and become more uh uh mature so to speak and get back into life and living with the the qualities and principle we talk about. Wow, what an adventure that is because now I don't have to apologize or look back at all. Just uh get her going.

And uh and I didn't know that at the time. And so I look back in those early drinking years and I can see negative happenings in my life socially, academically, athletically, uh uh family-wise, I was causing difficulties and somehow skipping by. It's It amazes me how some of us can stagger forward in life and look like we're advancing on one side by the world's standards and yet we're destroying ourselves on the other, the invisible side.

Because in the next five or six years, I'm jump jumping from job to job to job up my ladder of success. I've got a goal. I got aspirations.

I got things I want to do and I'm getting closer to that. And if I'm working for you, I give you everything I got. You want 70 hours?

You want 80 hours? you want to go 7:00 a.m. midnight, whatever it is, I'll go for you.

And then afterwards, I go out and drink and I go out and party and I go out and do the X-rated stuff that I got in the habit of doing. And uh and so I don't tell you about that. And so as I'm working up on the one side, I get there at the at the peak back in Chicago.

And if you say to me, "How you doing?" I said, "Well, here's the wife, here's the house, here's the cars, here's the job, here's the title, here's the responsibility. Looks good." I don't tell you last night I can't remember how I got home. I don't know how that car got smashed.

I don't know how many mornings I woke up and had to interrogate my wife to find out the details of last night without her knowing that I don't know so that I can get some idea in case I go back with people I was with and they always seem to know more about what I was doing than I did. And I heard a guy in a program, it made sense to me. Never talk to somebody knows more about what you did last night than you do, especially if they got a uniform.

And I understood that right away because uh I'm I'm I'm trying to defend myself. I went from the offense to the defense. And you got to be on guard.

And uh people would bring up, hey, last night when you when you you drove those guys off the road, they went in that ditch. You know, if they get got out of there, we going to be in trouble. And I'm saying, uh, what car?

What what ditch? You know, I'm in a blackout. I've had blackouts since I started to drink.

I didn't know that's what they were, but uh uh I had extended time. And so uh I don't tell you about those things. What I do is I get to a place where it seems like you're going to get caught.

You remember that time when it seems like they're they're finally getting close enough to you, whether it's the wife, whether it's the boss, the community, whatever, to just about ready to fall and I move. I got a chance to come to Ohio. I came to Ohio.

I got a fresh start, new beginning, good-looking props. and we go out to a big convention in New York and uh I go out and I meet a a former college friend of mine and we go out on the New York City and I come back stumbling, falling, crawling, puking into the into the hotel. And the next day I wake up in my room in my bed.

That was an accomplishment. And uh and I'm sick and I'm hung over and I've wet myself and I've wet that bed and uh and I got to get all those things squared away that you do and try not to let my roommate, a regular adult male person, find out that I'm doing that. And uh and you take care of that and then going down the hall and you see somebody and they just shake their head at you and uh you you know everybody saw you.

Might have been one person, but in my mind everybody saw me. And so, uh, I, uh, and I knew the boss was going to say something. He's going to hear it sooner or later.

You know, people like that don't keep that stuff a secret. When you mess up, they like to pass that on for you in case you forget to tell somebody. And, uh, so we're driving back and the boss said, "Hey, I heard about the other night." Understand the word I heard.

He did not see it. So, he's going by what somebody else said. And I didn't ask him what he heard.

Like I say, I learned that a long time ago. And so, uh, I just admit to it. I says, "Yeah, you know, that was a bad one.

That kind of neutralized them for a second or two." See, and then I came up with my new philosophy. I said, "You don't have to worry about that anymore because I'm not drinking anymore." And I went on Larry's way of not drinking uh for three and a half years. And uh I thought I had good sound reasoning for that.

One of my uh uh coaching duties was to ask the athletes not to drink and I was a rule enforcer. I had the bar checks and I went through Kent at a lot of bars in Kent and end up joints and the front door to back door, the restroom, uh find out all the hide-and-seek places, same ones I would use. And uh and uh and if I cost you, it could cost you a scholarship.

But I thought I'll I'll set the standard. Therefore, I can ask you to do that. And if I set the standard, that's a that's a manly way to go about that.

And so, that was my attitude. Had nothing to do with alcohol, with drinking, with alcoholism, you know, uh I never heard of a couldn't have found it in the phone book. Was not part of my thinking.

Don't ever think it was ever mentioned. So, Larry went on his way of not drinking. I've been there three years.

And uh and uh those of familiar back in the 70s, we had some shooting and killings and stuff. and didn't drink through that martial law and then I changed jobs. I end up back up in Madison, Wisconsin.

Then I've got a new setting of people around me and new atmosphere and the new behavior is taking place and I'm just a new guy on the staff and uh I'm included with everything we're doing. And as I look back there seemed like there was a lot of drinking, a lot of drinking occasion, a lot of boosters this and and outageies here and social and uh and there was maybe some chasing going on and big shot in all that kind of stuff. And I know today I can be influenced because I'm there for six months.

Within six months, I'm violating certain principles of marriage, sober without taking a drink. I can make errors of living sober. I don't have to be drunk to do it all the time.

And then one night, we're out at a place, a group of us, and uh my friend had a drink and it was a very, very small glass. And I can vividly remember that say, and he had it sitting beside me. He was up dancing, sweet talking.

And I reached down after three and a half years without touching alcohol. And when I picked that up, I took a sip. understand the word.

I took a sip of his drink just a little taste just to get the I don't know whether it's curiosity what it was and uh and I know tonight what happened. I didn't know then what was going to take place. But as soon as I took a sip, three and a half years of no alcohol whatsoever, a taste touched my lips and taste my tongue and into my mouth.

And all of a sudden, the uh the alcoholism that was dormant and I didn't know was there, all of a sudden it just set it a fire. And uh and as I look back after I got familiar with the doctor's opinion in the big book, I became a living example of that explanation where he says in there there's a group of people that when they take the first drink after a period of not drinking, they take the first drink. They never define the first drink.

They didn't say it had to be a glass of this or a shot of that or a barrel of that or they just said the first drink. And some people they get what they call a phenomenon of craving. And they give examples for that.

And as I look back, I'm one of those people. When I took a sip, my physical system seemed to activate and I wanted to have more. And that big book says on page 21, I'm on there says the real alcoholic.

Now I look back, I was alcoholic and didn't know it. A real alcoholic is one that can't control the consumption. To me, that means the amount once they take the drink.

It doesn't say how much of a drink. It says a drink. A sip, a taste for some.

That's I added that. And I look back sober in the early sobriety and I fit both those descriptions. All of a sudden, I uh I took a sip and I wanted to have more, but I got this image as a non-drinker.

And you know, I always worried about my image, worried about what I think you think about me. Whether it's true or not, that doesn't make any what I think you do. And uh and I excuse myself that night because I don't want to hurt the image.

And I went out to the liquor store, got a supply, and I'm drunk that night. Three and a half years of not touching alcohol. I took a sip, the flame was lit, the fuse was lit, and I'm drunk that night.

Wouldn't be any different than taking one of those paper matches, one match, and go ahead and light that match and set the curtains on fire. Maybe it burns down the front of the house, maybe it burns down the whole house, maybe it set a fire in half of Colorado's going. I don't know.

It didn't take much in my case. And from that time on, I never was able to stop drinking again. I had a lot of events happen.

you know, the uh the events of a drunk. Uh some of us are similar, some are different, some are more tragic, some are less, some are humor, some are not. You got your own.

That's not what I see as having in common is the behavior after we get drunk. May be some similarities. But all of a sudden, my behavior as a drunk cause the boss to call me in after the second season and fire me before the holiday.

I never been fired before. And all of a sudden, I'm out of a job. And when he fires me, I get a a strong dislike for him.

And uh because uh I don't understand that. And then uh you know, I had my incidents. I had the the the DUI and uh I was in a small town and when the chief of police found out, he made arrangements to get that charge changed so that the local newspaper wouldn't blow the story up and embarrass you.

And the day I heard about how he got that changed, I got drunk that night. out of the appreciation for somebody doing me a favor, I got drunk that night. And then uh uh the other events that took place in the car wrecks and finally uh uh the wife had had enough of this bizarre behavior.

And uh uh you know, I'm not working. I'm not getting a job. I got fired three times in a row.

I finally got to a place in my life where I was unworkable, but we're working down towards that. And uh um I remember one time I was substitute teaching at a little elementary school and when I went over the residential section and I parked the car. I went into school.

I had some drinks early in the morning because if I don't have drinks early in the morning, I kind of get sick and I shake a lot. So I wanted to eliminate that. And by about 10:00 in the in the morning, I was starting to feel that come back.

So I had a little break. So I dash out of that school. This just in a residential section.

I got out to my car. I had a little Maverick at the time, little Teeny Ford. And uh and I had the bottle underneath the passenger size in the in the sack so nobody knows what it is.

And so I get in my car. I dash under my seat. I get that sack out.

I'm underneath the dashboard trying to get as much as I can without anybody seeing me. Get that back. Put that back.

Then go back into that school and get rest ready for the next part of the day till noon so I can go do it again. And today that strikes me that's probably not social drinking. But you'll understand this.

It was necessary drinking. If I don't have it, I come apart not knowing that that's alcoholism and withdrawal. And so I'm having that on a regular basis.

And finally I uh I had a another job and and u I got drunk while I was on the job. I left the job. I end up uh the next day waking up.

I got a smashed car. I got a involved with a double hit and run and all that stuff. And uh and I don't deal well with those things.

See, and I hide the car out and finally after a part of a week, I go to get it fixed. No big news on the radio and the TV or the news. And um within a half hour, I get a a call from a police officer saying I need to come down to the station with a lawyer and I have to ask him why.

I figured it had something to do with the car and he said, "Your car was involved with a double hit and run the other day." So, I got the lawyer. I came down and I looked at the report and I could see that was me. I know that street.

That's where I came into work. That's the way I left work early. I banged one on the side, bounced off, hit the one behind him, bounced off, drove into the sunset.

Nobody got hurt. Just some damages and stuff like that, which I of course I'm thankful uh for that today. and uh cost me points, cost me money, cost me insurance, cost me all that stuff, but that didn't stop me from drinking, being fired, domestic trouble, going to the nut ward, uh uh having a double hit and run.

Uh none of those things stopped me from drinking. As a matter of fact, I probably increased to drinking because I got more problems and difficulties of my life. And finally, the wife says, "Enough." And I get drunk one more time on our couch and she discovers that.

And then uh and some cop comes by with a letter and says, "I have to leave." And I say, "I'm not going." And he said, "Yeah, you will." And they left and he left. And for some reason, I had a shotgun in the back of my trunk. I I'd seen a cowboy movie.

And uh I'm not a hunter. I'm not a shooter. I'm not sure I ever loaded one, you know, but seemed like a thing a guy ought to have.

See? And uh so I grab it and go in the house. I'm going to protect my homestead.

See, and u nobody come knocking, nobody come over and I blow holes in the family room and uh I'm praying. I create fear in other people and hating other people and threaten other people and nobody's paying attention for crying out loud. The neighbors didn't know it and you know don't and then I I run out of booze and I get sober enough to wake up.

What the hell did I do? I you know I'm not like that but I was that time. And so I leave and go hide out someplace and apologize.

And I wasn't allowed to be over there unless there are two cops there. And uh you know, as a good solid drunk, you got to test that once in a while. Make sure they mean that.

They always meant it. I uh just took me three or four times to be convinced that as I look back, you see, I'm on a long losing streak and I don't know it. I'm losing everything in my life and uh my family, my job, my career, my money, my the whole deal.

And I haven't identified the problem. And I'm fighting as hard as I can fight and drinking. And I isolate myself in an apartment.

And my body blew up like some kind of Buddha. And I'm drink. I get up in the morning and grab the bottle, step over the barf bucket by the bed.

You understand that? You're going to get sick in the night. You don't have to get up to do it.

Just, you know, and then you enter the bathroom and I'm drinking and make the sickness stop and drinking make the shake stop. Drinking because just get settled and come back in and sit in my chair. I'm not going anywhere.

Got nothing to do. nobody to see. Just getting ready for the day and then somebody call you up on the phone.

The phone would ring and dude this priest could have a heart attack for that. That's before all the messages and stuff and somebody walk down the hall and you could hear them start and your heart go faster faster faster. They get close and they go by take that drink.

That's a condition I was in for a a period of time. total fear, total anxiety, total uh uh alcoholic without identifying it. And that's what it was like in a general way, guys.

And my life changed. What was it like? Uh you know, uh I had a knock on the door uninvited guest and at this point when I share this, it's very important to me.

I will try to share it to you with that importance in mind that I had an uninvited guest come by down to one person in my life, brought a newspaper, almost never happened, and then left after she checked on me and I looked at the sports section. Some of us guys were talking about in kitchen about some sporting stuff. I would look at the sports section first all my life.

I did it this morning. And just by chance, understand, just by chance, as I turn that page, there's a picture. Now, you see, I'm already got my morning drink and everything settled.

So, I'm under the influence, and I'm glancing at a picture. Not the headlines or the words. It's on the inside, not the title, not the front page, not the metro, but the sports section.

And there I recognize that picture. And he was the first black pitcher for the Brooklyn Dodgers back in the 50s. And it was big- time news in my uh at my lifetime.

And uh and I I I knew it right away. And I glanced at his story and his story talked about how he had lost everything due to his drinking and how life was better. And there's a number to call for help.

I'm sitting by the phone. To this night, I can't tell you what I identified with, but I dialed the number. It was in the Bronx, New York.

My kids on one of my anniversary found that copy out of a paper, sent it to me. I have it at home now. I never had I never kept it.

And uh it changed my life. I called the Bronx, New York, and somebody on the other end out of their wisdom said something this simple. Sounds like you got a problem.

You ought to call somebody local. The world they going to do for me in the Bronx, New York. I'm in Madison, Wisconsin.

Fed it right back to me. And then I had one of those those uh flashbacks. Who do I know that knows anything about this?

I'm not even sure what the details were. And I remember I was at a golf outing on a one of those fundraiser deals and I came in off that 18th hole into that clubhouse and a friend of mine said, "Larry, come here. I want you to meet somebody." And I got to meet another baseball celebrity.

He says, "This is Ryan." And I could have told you that Ryan had been with the Yankees. He was a relief pitcher. He had coke bottle, thick glasses, etc.

They always went through the same mo on him and I was meeting a celebrity and I visited short time. They weren't drinking and I left. Three years later, somebody in Bronx, New York says, "Call somebody local." And I remember that introduction.

My friend never mentioned baseball. He says, "This is Ryan. He's the director of an alcohol rehabilitation center in Stoton, Wisconsin.

That was the introduction that I immediately dismissed. And three plus years later, that seed had been planted and all of a sudden it blossomed. And I remembered his name, his location, and his title.

And I picked up the phone book and I called that number and he was working there. He wasn't in that day, but the lady said, "Would you talk to somebody else?" And I said, "Yeah." I hadn't talked to anybody else for so long, you know, another guy thing. And a fellow called me by the name of Bill W.

Billy Welch. And Billy invited himself over. I know today did a 12step call on me.

And he came over and uh and I didn't drink much while he was there, just enough to keep my my hands from shaking and stuff. And he told me his story. Been a World War II fighter pilot and all that stuff.

And he had gotten sober three years before at that place. and he recommended it and he says, "I'll get back to you." And he left and Ryan talked to him, talked to me. He said, "I want to bring him down here." And so, November 11th, like I say, approximately 10:00 in the morning, Billy picks me up.

I don't know where we're going. Don't know why we're going. Don't know anything about it except Ryan said he wanted to see me.

And Billy's my taxi. And he drove me down there and I in that little farmhouse and Ryan called me in his office just about the size of a closet. And Ryan told me some stories about his deal and his alcohol on stuff like that.

And he said, "Larry, I'd like to put you in our treatment facility." And I made my first surrender. As I look back, I said, "Whatever you want to do." I was done. I had no fight.

I had no argument. I had no reasoning. I didn't had a faintest idea what's going on.

I'm whipped. I give up. I chickenened out.

The yellow streak spread. the courageous, whatever term you want to put on that, but he had something in his eyes and he had something in his voice and he had something in his mannerism and there was some kind of a a magic in that little closet office and he walked me across that street and checked me in and I haven't had a drink since. Once I got through detox and I got to go to their group meetings, it was in a warehouse.

It wasn't anything fancy. It was a a a building beside the hospital with a bunch of uh uh crates and boxes and stuff with some table and chairs in the middle. And that's where I found out they talked about this liquid drug alcohol.

When you put it in your system, when you drink it, you're no different than that junkie on the street shooting up. The juice gets in, it's got him. When you take it down, drink it, it's got you.

And uh and that's what helped Ryan gets over. I'm not debating it one way. That's just what they said.

And so when you put it in, it controls you. And then they gave examples. They told the secrets of a drunk to another drunk.

And I never heard that before. I'm not about ready to tell you all the disaster and dastardly things I did because if I tell you, you got the advantage. That's the old way.

And they openly talked about stuff, embarrassing stuff and crucial stuff and violent stuff, which allowed me then to take a look at my life. And after going through those meetings and AA's coming in, I'm sitting in that basement one night. I got a cup of coffee that night and it's 3:00 in the morning and I'm going through doing my first inventory.

You know the one that's right there, right in the front of your brain just ready to jump out. You're not We're not always wired real tight and there's short circuits taking place. Lights going on and I'm by myself and I'm looking back at the stuff I did and I see the drink and the trouble.

The troubles and the drinking. I finally start to put them together and I go back to that one night and that left guard. I hadn't taken a drink and all of a sudden I took a drink one I took a sip and a sip took me and it just bam out I went.

I think of Muhammad Ali fighting Sunny Lon floating like a butterfly sting like a bee. He hit him so quick the cameras I don't think got him. I look at booze that's what they did to me.

All of a sudden he hit me and took me down and I jumped back into another round. Beast me again. Beast me again.

I've had a long losing streak. Ryan said one time, you know, he says, you know, if you lose that often in our business, we fire the manager. Who's been in charge of your life, Larry?

Me. What's your record? Owen hundreds.

Get out of the driver's seat, get on the passenger side, and let's get somebody over here running your life that knows what's going on. You're like a sober person, an AA person, a sponsor person, a God person, or you know, whatever it is. Your way is not working.

And I admitted to that that night. I found out what was wrong. Alcohol, alcoholism, who was wrong, Larry.

And what to do about it equals aa. And I come out of that basement. And I was alert and the hands up.

And I want what you guys I want what those guys in the front of the room have. I don't want what you other patients have. I dis uh dis uh uh associated myself with the other patients because as I remember standing in the hallways, they're playing, can you top this drinking stories and I'm looking at guys that are losers like me and they don't have what I want.

The guy I want to have something from is that man or lady up in the front that told me what it used to be like, what happened, what it's like now. And I like what it sound like the way it happened now. I want that.

They said, "You can have that if you're willing to do this, this, this, and this." And I became willing to do that. And that hadn't changed to this night. And it came time to leave that place.

And they said, "Larry, we want you to write down on paper five things you're going to do every day. And before you go to bed at night, you check it off. Make sure you did that." And I get to pick the five.

So if I want to read the the good book and the big book and the 12 and 12 and the the 24hour and the reflection and a couple other inspirational things like I did this morning, like I've done almost every morning for over 33 years. That's my choice. When I want to change it, I can change it.

When I want to speed it up or slow it down, I can do that. So, when I get to that big book, I do my my third step prayer and I personalize that and then I read two pages. I used to read 10 minutes.

I used to read a chapter. I've been do that many many times. I've reread and read that thing many times.

I just change the style. Sometimes I do that 12 and 12 odd and even days. I can figure that out.

If I know what day it is, I got a chance to get on the right page. And the 24 hours is easy. It's got the date on the top.

So as a reflection except for February 29th, my book doesn't have page. See, reflection does and it switches. See?

And so my good book as I read the Bible in the year, I've done that since 1980 something. Little Old Testament, little New Testament, little Psalm, little Proverb. I, you know, that's one of the things I choose to do because I had a fear of that uh that God.

I remember one time uh telling Ryan, they were talking about prayer. I have a hard time praying. He said, Larry, I want to tell you something.

See, cuz I get those these, thousand, and those. I can't impersonate the preacher. He says, "You don't have to.

What you want to do is you have a God of of a loving, forgiving God, and you talk to him. Use the language you know, the words you know, the way you know it." The key was you talk to him as a as a a loving friend. And he says, "You will be heard." And I found that to be true once I started my my prayer of the day the next day.

And I've been on a uh and he says prayer is like communication communicating to God of your higher power with your understanding. And I had the right to define that. And they talked about a loving, caring, forgiving God.

And that was better than the one I had. It was going to be punishing and burning in hell all my life. And I don't live like that today.

Now when the end's over, he'll make the decision. But I'd rather do it like this and way I was in the simplest simplest way. I don't get real detailed.

And then the next thing was a meeting guide. And if you're going to continue what you got started, you need to go to the meetings. And I got out of there and Billy took me to a double header that night, a beginning 12 and 12 and a regular 12 and 12.

And he left for Florida and I went off to the meetings. And I've been going to meetings out ever since. I'm a I'm a guy that makes a lot of meetings.

And if you give me a chance, I'll make as many as I can. And sometimes I have to make half a meeting here and a half a meeting there and a double meeting over here. You know, depending with workers.

I've never been late to an AA meeting. However, some meetings started before I got there. Legitimately, when you're coming from work or you got stopped by the the light or you got a phone call or something like that, I can't control all that.

All I know is I'm going to make it if at all possible cuz once I'm here, I'm safe. Once I'm here, I'm with you. Once I'm here, I can absorb the strength and the wisdom, the experience that you guys got.

And I come for the whole banquet. But I didn't come in here for some fast service recovery. I remember being on Bria Saturday one time.

Some guy stood in the doorway. He was in and he was out. He was in and he was out the whole meeting.

Soon that meeting is over. He's gone. I thought I don't want to have the uh I don't want to make meetings like that.

You know, I come for the whole banquet. I want to have the start of it, the middle of it, the end of it, and all the dessert. Look at me.

You can see that. If I use a food example, it's I'm a illustration of that. See, if I take a bite, I want more.

See, if I take a puff of something, I want more. When I take a drink of something, I want more. Why would I think today that that's changed because I haven't had a drop of alcohol for for a while.

I still respect it and I still fear it. And I don't want to I don't want the closest I know that I've come to alcohol in my mouth was we won a championship and somebody had cold duck or something in the locker room. They're pouring over my head, comes down my face, out my nose, outside of my mouth, and I swear to you, I didn't even stick my tongue out.

Get a little The last time I took a sip, I ended up drunk. I'm not doing that again. If I can, it was under my power.

And I have found the answer called Alcoholics Anonymous. I found a people called members of Alcoholics Anonymous. I found where to get that in meetings at Alcoholics Anonymous.

Like I say, I have a I've always had a home group, but I've always had many meetings during the week. I've got a men's group on Monday and Friday. Now, it's a hair club discussion that on occasion need to have seat belts.

The room sometimes vibrates. And uh you bring a topic up, it will be discussed. May not always like the way it's discussed, but it will be discussed.

And I've got a home group uh uh Brimen Mens, uh I like to say it's an open-ending meeting. We don't have an ending time. Some of you'll be looking at the clock here soon.

See? And and those uh Monday, Friday mornings, you know, we start at approximately 8:30, get done around 10:30, then we go out and have breakfast till noon. It would take a whole morning for many, many times.

We get the whole deal and uh get the before and get the after. You think about coming like you guys do here. You got that meeting before and intermixing and all that.

We're having a meeting meeting right now and then afterwards we'll have the after meeting and some will have to go this way and some will go over there and some will be here. I I have found that as I watch the ending of a meeting sometimes it shares with me the quality of not I don't want to use the word quality how the group is made up. If all of a sudden that meeting ends and there's a stampede out the door and they're gone.

Compared to those you got a group over here and you got a group over here, Billy's over there, you got a couple guys over there and they're doing this and there's a closeness that's taking place. This is a place of recovery. This is a place, a safe place to be.

This is where I learn from your strength, your hope, AND YOUR EXPERIENCE. SHARE IT WITH ME. HOW YOU GOING TO SHARE IT IF I DON'T HANG around with you, give you a chance, ask the question, ease drop with you.

I found the answers here. So, I try to stick close by. And the people I ran with, they indicated they did the same thing.

And so, all of a sudden, we get those steps. And I I looked the steps very quickly. Step one said who was wrong, what was wrong.

Steps two and three gave me a new relationship with God of my understanding, not yours, mine. Steps uh uh four, five, six, and seven give me a new relationship with me. Steps eight and nine give me a new relationship with other people.

First him, then me, then others. That's the way it's written one through. And then 10 is a summary, a current of all that inventory and all that stuff.

Get it current. Take care of it today. I like to uh uh uh end my day and sit there try to think of every person in place of the event that took place and kind of greet it out how do we do and sometimes I fall asleep in the middle of it because if nobody got harmed there was no no uh darkness to the day and that step 11 to me is uh sought through prayer meditation tells us what to do and and I'm trying to uh get the knowledge of his will and I said what's the knowledge of his will what is something I can remember not philosophically give me a handle Now, I just decided to use our four absolutes.

If I can be more loving, more honest, more uh uh unselfish and more pure in thought, word, and deed with the people and places and thing I'm at. If I can do that, I think I'm heading in the right direction. Whether I'm doing it at the right speed or not, that'll take care of itself.

That I can understand. Not being a a deep philosophical thinker. And then step 12, what's it AS TO DO?

PUT IT IN ACTION. You've had your awakening. You've had your personality changed sufficient for the recovery from alcoholism as a result of doing the steps.

Now try to carry the message. Try to carry the ball. Dog gone.

Get over the goal line. Get in there. Make a shot.

Get it there AND GET WITH SOMEBODY. HAND IT OUT to them verbally, physically, whatever it takes. Carry that message to somebody else whenever and wherever possible.

When the opportunity presents itself, that could be at any time, any place during the day that isn't just at a meeting in my mind. Do I do it at home? Do I do it with my neighbors?

Do I do it with my family? Do I do it at work? That's to me is what it's all about.

I'm a recovering alcoholic from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. And I don't want to change that. And sooner or later, that topic will come up if we're together for very long.

Got nothing to do with anonymity, got nothing to do with tradition, just has to do with the subject of. And I can talk about that subject anytime, any place. And so I try to bring that uh up whenever possible.

And then it says, "Practice the principles." What principles? And I look back on that and I think what I saw when I look at my steps is what I heard when I was a kid at home and I went to that church and they said, "Love God, love self, and love others." And those steps have guided me in each one of those areas. Now, whether I can love him enough or appropriate, all that stuff, that depends on where we're at at the time.

And so, I try to love my God, my creator. He and I have a talk about that. And we talk about his son and other people and stuff like that.

And then all of a sudden, I have a chance to uh thank him for being a sober child of God today, you know, apologizing for thoughts, words, and deeds that I might be off center. And I ask him for help to do better. And then uh and then I try to have prayer for the people places or the the people in my life.

And then I add names to that the sick and the suffering and the dying and the lost. And I have my list start with my family and branching out. And uh that communication sometimes takes at least a half hour or more when time allows.

There's a lot of people in my life. I'll bet there's a lot more people in your life today sober than there ever was trunk starting close and then working out and just let that recovery just vibrate on out. And I don't know about you, but I like that.

I like having a long Christmas card list. I like having nobody on the list that I owe to or not very much. I like living like that today.

Uh I uh I like the fact that I can go almost anywhere with anybody doing almost doing a whole lot of stuff freely and uh and without guilt and just go there to enjoy it. Be some place to enjoy it. I love to go to a meetings out outside the area when I'm in a someplace else.

I I use a philosophy as a drunk. If I came in your area, I'd want to know where the where the joint is. And I get to the joint and I want to know where the hot spot is and where's the action and where's she and where's he and all that.

And I I use the same energy as a an AA. I go in area I'm seeking out AA as hard as I can. Be it pre with a computer or a phone call or a uh you know whatever it is.

And uh a meeting I collect meeting guy. I got meeting guys from all over. Guys in my home group when they're not there and they're out of town and when they come back I ask for the meeting guides.

I've got all kinds of them. Friend of mine at dinner tonight say going to New Orleans. I got meeting guys from New Orleans.

I got meeting guides for Paris. I got meeting guys for Ireland. You know, it might be a little bit out of date sometimes, but I got them.

And uh that that's just my approach. That's all I'm telling you. I like it that way.

my first is worse. Yaya and then whatever else we're going to do, you live it up and enjoy it totally and completely. Wow.

Uh that allowed me at one time to uh to go to a meeting in North uh um North Miami club down there. And uh and I'll finish with this little uh kind of like a a little demonstration. I This is what he showed me.

I'm not trying to show off. I'm trying to show what somebody did for me that was helpful to me. and I'll try to make myself heard in the back.

I was at the North Miami club. I was at a conference. I took a cab to the club and the guy met me at the door and said, "Uh, where are you coming in from?" I told him from that hotel over there.

He says, "You got a ride home?" I said, "No." He said, "We'll take care of it." And he says, "Listen, I want to talk to you after the meeting." So, he started the meeting this way. He says, "We got a guy here from Cleveland. He just came to the meeting.

Uh, you had to have a cab." He said, "Who's taking him home?" And he paused. He wanted action right now. It wasn't like, "This guy needs a ride and see you later." And a few hands went up.

I have to admit, being single, I picked the prettiest one. I I She had her friend with her and she drove a Cadillac and took me to a meeting that night. So, strictly AA, of course.

But, uh, At the end of that meeting, he pulled me aside. He had a cup of coffee. And this is what he did that made an impact with me.

He said, "AND THIS CUP OF THIS IS ALCOHOL." And he put it on a on a uh desk. And he says, "If you put the 12 steps of this program into your life, you will not take a drink." And that sounded like a promise. And his illustration was this.

Now, you have to understand all my life, all my living has always been visual. I'm a visual person. I watch 11 guys here and 11 guys here and all this movement and everything I see and the way I learn is visual.

I'm not good at the audio. They're terrible at the reading. But you move around and I'll I'll notice your movement and uh I'll know right away whether you're left-handed or not because I want to know if I'm going to have to duck from which side.

That's the way. But he said, "You know, kid, IF YOU ONLY HAVE ONE STEP OF THE PROGRAM, and he just took a little baby step back and he reached his arm out, you could see he could touch the drink." He says, "YOU ONLY GOT ONE STEP OF THIS PROGRAM IN YOUR LIFE." AND SOMETHING BAD OR GOOD HAPPENS. He says, "Your first reaction is to take that drink.

Maybe with two or even three steps, something bad or good, you're right back there taking a drink because that's what you've been doing for this period of time." Then he did something that made a difference. He said, "If you put the 12 steps of the program in your life," AND HE PACED OFF 12 STEPS like one of those officials in our games and stuff. He got 12 steps away.

And I can see the distance in there. And he SAYS, "NOW YOU GET SOMETHING WONDERFUL or something tragic that happened. And you can't JUST REACH OUT AND TAKE THAT DRINK.

If you're going to TAKE THAT DRINK, YOU GOT TO TAKE THOSE 12 STEPS out of there. And that means you got to take those meetings out of there. You got to take those PEOPLES OUT.

THERE'S A LOT OF THINGS BETWEEN ME AND THAT DRINK." AND THAT WAS HIS POINT. And as I looked at that, that makes sense. So I'm about where that guy is right there.

I'm in between that. And I can see that distance. And he says, you're either WORKING AWAY FROM A DRINK OR YOU'RE WORKING TOWARD a drink.

You can't just tread water for very long. And you if you tread, you usually go back. And I'm thinking, well, if I can get 12 steps in there, and if I CAN ADD OTHER BARRIERS BETWEEN THAT, and maybe I get my my 12 traditions, I GET MY 12 PROMISES, I GET MY GOD AND MY UNDERSTANDING, and I get my sponsorship, and I get my home group in there, and I get my my meetings in there, and I get founders day in there, and I get the big book in there, and the 12 and 12, and the 24h hour Marish, and uh and Mansville prison, etc., etc.

All the things that I'VE BEEN INVOLVED WITH AND THEY a lot of them were BASICALLY BECAUSE SOMEBODY TOOK ME and showed me for a period of time and then said you go do it. And if I've GOT THESE THINGS IN MY life when all of a sudden the sad stuff like I mentioned Marilyn dying, mom dying, dad dying, my daughter with MS, my son going through his deal till he finally A LOT OF STUFF HAPPENED and I thought of drank hadn't occurred. And then the beautiful stuff, you know, the the weddings and the and the uh and the grandchildren and the championships AND THE ALL THAT BEAUTIFUL STUFF.

I hadn't had to take a drink to make it more beautiful. If I will in my mind, if I will keep this program, WHATEVER YOUR DEFINITION IS, if I'll keep the program of Alcoholics Anonymous from page one to page 64, if I'll keep those steps and I keep those traditions and I keep those pro and if I keep those absolutes and I keep that sponsorship and I keep that home grouping, if I'm willing to do that and I mean do it truly and fully and apply that to my life and the events of the life and the other people outside of the program, then I all I can say is my life's been better and I hope yours is too. Thank you for listening.

>> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.