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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. God, my name is Scott Redmond.

I'm an alcoholic. >> Oh, that was really upsetting. Have a Jewish song played to me while I'm walking.

I'm I'm Jewish. Oh god, that was grotesque. Hi everybody.

My name is Scott Redmond. I'm an alcoholic. >> Like to welcome all the new new people at AA.

I'd like to thank Ron for asking me. I know Ron a long time. We've been doing this a long time.

I love this group. I love coming and talking at this meeting. I always have a great time and I love the fellowship here.

I love the commitment. It's so great to hear um birthday people come up here who have a long history with the meeting and really are committed to it and whose hearts have been touched by it. And it's it's great.

If you're new here, you've walked into a fantastic Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I've always been welcomed here. I've always been uh before the juice song.

Um uh always uh made to feel um very welcome and comfortable. But we're going to get over the song. Okay, we're going to get over this song.

It's funny. One of the reasons that the Jew song kind of upset me is uh one of the um one of the uh things that's really a drag about talking a lot is pe people stop letting you sometimes they don't let you be a human being and you get turned into an object kind of a spiritual pez dispenser and um uh and when uh I might not wait at the end of the meeting to be thanked cuz I I uh I'm feeling really raw tonight and people say nutty things to me uh when they come to thank me sometimes. Sometimes they come to straighten me out.

Um to have a little correction session. Um sometimes they say crazy stuff like you're better on tape. Um uh I knew a Jew.

Uh I'm so happy for him. Uh it's just hard to identify him sometimes. Get him with the beanie.

That's quick. uh and uh uh and uh I refuse to do that. I refuse to allow this podium to be a separation a barrier between me and AA.

If it's not a bridge between me and AA, I won't do it. It's not that interesting. It's just a coffee commitment with a microphone and apparently some musical accompaniment at some point.

At any rate, I'd like to welcome the newcomers to Alcoholics Anonymous. I'd like to if you're a drug addict, I'd like to welcome you to AA. If you're a dope fiend, which is somehow worse than any of us, I'd like to welcome you to AA.

If you're a crack monster, oo, that's scary. There he is. Crack monster.

Hey, it's me. I I forgot why I put my arms up. Um, like to welcome all the tweakers.

Welcome, tweakers. We're glad you're here. Yes.

Oh, you're special. Special. If you've ever masturbated till you're dehydrated, welcome to Hannah.

So glad you're here. and so special. So special.

If you've ever licked all the features off your own face, welcome to AA. You're a little smarter than us. But I love you guys.

You stay quick for a while. I love you. Every part of your face is moving in a different direction.

Your last date looks like the opening scene of a CSI episode. You can stop. They're dead.

Um, I'm not making fun of you. I'm coming close. I know I am.

But I'm really not making fun of you. And I'll tell you why. Um, cuz I don't care what you got.

I don't care if you're the Bigfooted dope addict, a dope Goliath, a dope juggernaut. Just catch alcoholism. We'd love to give it to you.

I did not have alcoholism when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. I caught alcoholism in AA meetings. I couldn't have even told you what it was.

I had no idea. Um, took me a long time to find out what alcoholism was. By the time I get to Alcoholics Anonymous on April 22nd, 1985, my sons were six and three.

They were broken. They were um sick and um cut out from the society of other children, barely able to put together small tasks. They tested way off the scale in terms of IQ and could barely read or write.

And uh there was nothing organically wrong with them. They were just scared all the time. And they were so disrupted by their fear, they uh couldn't connect.

And I didn't know it. I hadn't read our literature. I didn't know about the blameless lives of the warped lives of blameless wives and children.

And I didn't know that the hard wiring of the alcoholic thinking, the bizarre, horrible thinking had become hardwired into my children and into my wife. My wife had just become a tongue chewing, babbling idiot from prolonged exposure to me. And um and that's not the way it started out.

You know, if you're new here, you're going to hear some wacky stuff about alcoholism now that you're here. And I want to tell you that the stuff that is not meaningful to me, I have never found in the big book of AA. uh the the stuff that is meaningful to me I've invariably found in the big book of A.

And by the way, that doesn't mean that that other stuff's not useful. I know that a lot of people identify with it. I've heard at AA meetings that alcoholics don't like change.

Just don't like it. Don't like change of any kind. And I don't like change I don't like.

>> But I uh I love change. I like I love it. I uh never heard anyone get to a podium and say, "Um, well, I've hit the lottery.

I'm having sex with identical twins. It's killing me. I uh killing me.

I can't stand this this change of any kind. But my personal favorite is that alcoholics are above average intelligence. I have only heard this at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.

I have never heard it anywhere else. I have never heard it at an Allenon meeting any time at any time in my life. I have never I have never heard it.

Some months ago, this buddy of mine who lives in the Midwest called me and um he said, "Look, man. I'm working with this guy." He's working with this guy, new guy, and the guy's got a couple weeks. He's at my buddy's house and my buddy sees that he's got a a bruise on his chest.

He says, "What's that?" The guy opens his shirt and he's got huge purple bruises all over his torso. My friend said, "What the hell happened to you?" And the guy said, "Couple of weeks ago when I hit my bottom, I tried to kill myself." So, I drank a bottle of vodka and I took a I stole a vial of nitroglycerin tablets from a heart patient. And by the way, that's the last time the heart patient comes up in the story.

They're just collateral damage. They're off like flopping around like a boated fish somewhere, okay? But he's just goes on with the story.

So, he sw he he drinks the vodka, swallows the entire vial of nitroglycerin, and then starts slamming his body into the wall trying to blow himself up. Now, if his nickname isn't like Boom Boom or Nitro, then his home group sucks and certainly above average intelligence. Just just uh just ask Boom Boom how wy we are.

Um, one of the misqued and abused sentences in the big book of AA for me is I've heard people say, "My worst day in here is better than my best day out there." No. No. Let's see.

Let's see. An all female jazz band and a pound of cocaine or a panel at Redgate? I don't know.

I don't know. What do you want to do? What would be better?

What the guy says at the end of chapter 3 is I wouldn't trade my worst day in here for my best day out there cuz I won't trade this way of life. Not because it's more fun cuz I love getting cooked. I just love it.

I love it more than anything. I love fine wine and I love sharpening a hypodermic needle on the back of a Matchbook striker and sucking heroin up through a fluffed up cigarette filter. That's dinner in a show for me.

That's that's fun. I don't know normal. I don't know.

I don't know how Jewish it is, but I like it anyway. My god. Feel like there should be like a bat light on me but with like a Jewish star or something.

I don't know. Should have a huge golden kai on my neck swinging back and forth. I've never felt I wish I had like velcro pis I could just like glue onto my head right now.

I'll stop. I swear to God. I grew up in the Bronx in New York City to a completely insane family.

My wife never believed me about him till she met him. My mom threw an engagement party for us and my aunt Rose came and she wore her wig backwards and it had a bun on it. So the bun was bouncing off her forehead.

She wore it beret style jaunty a skew. It was a look. It was not a mistake.

Her husband got bales of steel wool that he stole at work and she made uh throw pillows and filled them with steel wool. It was an absolute insane asylum. Um uh and there was mental and physical abuse and chronic institutionalization, suicide attempts, and um if you knew, all I've got is good news cuz my family had nothing to do with making me an alcoholic.

Nothing. I'm not saying I wasn't injured. I was terribly injured.

And I'm not telling you I haven't had to do a lot of stuff about that. I have and I still am. I'm telling you it didn't make me a drunk.

I have a physical allergy. It makes it impossible for me to control and enjoy to have any kind of governor about how much alcohol I take in once I start. And if you're a drug addict, uh, try some controlled crack smoking.

Just uh, fill your mouth up with crack smoke and say, "I'm not in the mood." And blow it out and um, and we'll make you president. if I were a rich man. Uh, can't I can't stop.

I I can't stop. Um, if my problem was just physical, I'd be in great shape. There are tremendous therapies, medical doctors, drug therapies, spas.

There's tons of stuff you can do for your physical body. There's allergists. There's there's tons of people.

But my problem is so much worse than that. I have a bizarre mental twist that makes it impossible for me to not drink. I keep tell I keep talking myself into taking a drink I can't stop taking.

I can't. And if and if that was my problem again, I'd be in terrific shape. And if it was just a mental problem, there are fantastic psychotropic drugs.

There are um there there are I'm quite serious about that. There are people who if they don't take them, they go to mental institutions. So, I mean, if you had that kind of problem, there are great drug therapies, there's great therapy, there's great stuff you can do.

But my problem is way, way worse than that because I keep taking a drink as a result of thinking myself into taking a drink I can't stop taking. And I develop this um this cancer in my soul, this ice around my heart, this soul sickness. Um, and the anatomy of it is resentment, fear, and sexual misconduct.

What does that have to do with alcoholism? It actually is alcoholism. It's the fifth wheel.

It's the bizarre missing link that has plucked me beyond the opportunity of being helped by well-meaning clergy, a family that adored me, very successful career, um, well-meaning doctors, well-meaning therapists. By the time I got to AA, I was in psychotherapy for 18 years. I was going to be dead, but I was going to understand it.

And I'm not putting therapy down. Therapy is great stuff. I'm in therapy now.

My my um uh it says on page 133 of our book, if you need a doctor, go get one. Boy, that's mysterious. Um what do they mean?

Um um my mistake is I was trying to treat my alcoholism with psychotherapy. you know, um, if you're neurotic, I don't know if anybody has ever been referred to as neurotic, but, um, a neurosis is you have anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, and then you come up with a answer for it, and it's a bad answer. It's a bad answer.

It creates more anxiety. Your solution is worse than your problem. I I don't know if that resonates for anybody here, but your solution's worse than your problem.

And you go to therapy. Uh it works for millions of people all over the world. They freeassociate.

Some Freudians delve veneer past and they unravel. They discover and they come up with a better resolution for the anxiety. They solve it.

It happens all over the world. But I'm an alcoholic. So I go to therapist.

I say, "Look, I feel terrible." Why? Well, so drunk yesterday. I was too drunk to walk.

So I drove. What? Well, what are we going to do about that?

Let's talk about it. Let me ask you a question. What were you thinking just before you did it?

Nothing. Nothing. Treat nothing.

Let's treat nothing. And I'm telling the truth. The room spun.

My mouth fell with saliva. My brain got too big for my skull. I went out for cigarettes.

And I wound up in Baltimore. And that's it. That's all I know.

That's all I know. That's all I know. I've taken all my grandmother's medicine.

I don't know when it happened. It would take a panel of therapist. My alcoholism is so efficient at generating pathology, hurt feelings, bad situations, psychosis.

It would take a panel of therapists 24/7 just to put my stuff in a file, just to file it, just to put it on a shelf somewhere. you know, it's not a fair fight. Um, I grew up in this crazy family.

I uh grew up during the 60s and uh yay. And uh had a really good time. I got to act on Broadway and do a bunch of stuff and my met.

I've killed someone. What happened? Was that another Jew?

Was that Couldn't we play some music while they were walking out and Um, just once when Father Terry comes here, will you play A Maria, please? I'm just begging you. Okay.

Will you just do it? Turn around. It's fair play, isn't it?

>> At any rate, you could have played the theme from Law and Order for Lamb last week. I mean, there's all sorts of stuff you could have done. At any rate, I um we had a great time, my wife and I, uh living in New York.

Um and um uh we were in in her early 20s. I was acting on Broadway and and she had a great job at a concert hall. And we had our oldest son, Micah, who was really welcomed into our community.

And um and uh just two years and nine months later, when our son Jesse was born, no one even came to the hospital. There were no phone calls, no flowers, no family, nothing. Our our the ice around our heart had become so thick in just two years and nine months, nobody could be around us.

And it wasn't that they didn't love us. It just hurt too much to be with us. And I even had to con the doctor into coming and performing the birth.

Uh doctors typically will not show up for the stuff unless they're paid in full. And I hadn't paid the guy. And I conned him and he showed up with wine on his breath.

And because I hadn't paid him, I didn't get to complain about it. What does it have to do with alcoholism? It is alcoholism.

It's exactly what it is. Inability to overcome a fear of confrontation, shame, guilt, gluttony, irresponsibility, dishonesty. It is alcoholism.

It was the terrible night my son was born. He was sick. He had transitive typia of the heart.

Wound up in neonatal intensive care. My wife is all alone at the hospital. And I get a call from a doctor that night saying, "Where are you?

Your wife is in extreme mental duress. the baby's sick. There's no one here.

And I said, "You know what? I uh I can't find anybody to watch my 2-year-old son, and I can't come down." And this doctor I'd never met before in a huge Metropolitan Hospital said something remarkable to me on the phone. She said, "My husband's home.

You can take your son to my house and my husband will watch him for you so you can come and be with your family." And I said, "No." And no way to to um uh to accept her her generosity. It was just one of those nights where I got it. It was like the night I showed up loaded on heroin the night my father died and I swore I'd never put a needle in my arm again.

Was 21 years old and I showed up at the hospital with holes in my arm and the curtain down and I couldn't even go and give my dad a kiss and touch him on the cheek and watch him take his light into another room and I felt like a pig, like an animal that night. And I had to find out pretty quick what the hell was what because I couldn't fit the pain in my head. It was one of those nights where I just couldn't fit it on my head.

was too much. And I figured out pretty quick it was needles and heroin. And all I had to do was not put a spike in my arm again.

I wouldn't be that pig. I'd be some other kind of pig, but I wouldn't be that pig. >> And I didn't.

I didn't put a needle in my arm for 13 years. I got married and we had our first son. And we were still having a great time.

You know, we got so sick. We got so sick that at one point a guy lent us his car and I sold his car. I will never forget this guy's voice on the phone as long as I live.

He said, "You sold my car. That's like housesitting for someone and they come back and you're in escrow." You know, and uh and and the house showed well. I've staged it and it's really it's it's really looking good.

I think I'm going to get market for your house. And um the night that Jesse was born, I I uh the terrible night my son was born. And little were we to know that it was going to continue for three more years.

Three more years from that miserable night. What a horrible thing to say about the birth of a child, the birth of my son. That's what it was.

And uh for the next three years it got worse. You know, Bill talks about it. Talks about cursing himself for being too scared to drink poison, dragging his mattress down to the ground floor so he wouldn't pitch himself out of the way, stealing from his wife when she came home.

And then he says, "Little or we didn't know it was going to continue for x more years." You know, you can stick around Alcoholics Anonymous for any appreciable amount of time and you will see men and women come in here with bottoms that will stand your hair on end and you will say they'll never drink again. Well, they're done. And after a while, it's been my personal experience over 22 years that if they don't do the work here, eventually it will not be their bottom.

It'll be a bad day where people were thinking behind their back. you know, it's hard to catch them, but you can. Um, and they'll get on with the business of dying.

Mind reading has been maybe the most troublesome defect for me. Um, uh, in and out of sobriety. I can honestly say my wife has told me, "You're not a mind reader.

You're barely a mind user." Which, uh, hurt my feelings. And um but when I read people's minds, they're never thinking anything good. They're never thinking, "Man, you're a pimp.

You're, you know, you're great." They're thinking, "You're a hosebag. You're a hose. I don't believe you.

I think you're full of crap, and I hope you die in a flaming car crash." I mean, that's what they're most people are thinking as I read their minds. Um and and uh on April 22nd, 1985, uh I I described the state that our sons were in. My wife and I were done.

My career was over. And um and uh and I crossed the line I swore I'd never cross again. Um I put a needle in my arm and I called my therapist at record in my 18th year of psychotherapy.

I told my therapist what I had done and he said to me just about the same thing that Carl Jung said to the man who 12step the man who 12step Bill Wilson. And if you're new and you haven't read our literature and our history, oh, I just so urge you to do it for a number of reasons. Number one, it'll make AA it has made AA easier for me.

The traditions have made AA much easier for me because there's some behavior in AA that I find really objectionable and very hurtful and very difficult to be around. And none of it, not one stitch of it, can I see is approved of by the big either the big book or the 12 traditions. Um, I know some people need to be treated rough and want people to pull their covers and kick their ass or they want they want that kind of treatment.

I don't indict that. And I want to tell you I'm not interested in it. I won't participate in it.

I've stayed away from it for 22 years. I have less interest in it now than I did 22 years ago. I've never needed to be called names, pushed around, treated like a third class citizen, and told I'm an idiot.

I can take that. I I'm fine taking care of that myself. You can't do me like I do me anyway.

You need a full-time staff, you know. So, when a guy says, "Will you sponsor me? I need someone to kick my ass." I go, "Thanks for playing.

I'm not going to kick your ass. I have no interest in kicking your ass." It says in the third step, "The first thing I'm going to do is quit playing God. I don't quite how I'm going to be able to honor that if I tell you what to do, what to wear, who to talk to, and where to go.

But because I'm so spiritually developed and I judge no man, dle um I can't stop. Um, I'm free. At any rate, um, the therapist said to me that day, "There's absolutely nothing that can be done for you." And I said, "What?" He was my first Youngian therapist.

He said, "I can't help you. The only thing I could suggest is we have you institutionalized." Which is what Young said to this guy, Roland Hazard, who went on to having a spiritual experience. and getting involved in a group called the Oxford groups and took it to a guy named um Ebie Ebenezer Thatcher and he uh he took it to a guy named Bill Wilson who helped start Alcoholics Anonymous and uh I didn't know this until I read the literature and it made me feel really good that I had that experience with this therapist because then the therapist said something that uh that Carl Young couldn't say.

He said or you attend a meeting of Narcotics Anonymous or Alcoholics Anonymous. Why I went to the AA meeting and not the institution? You got me.

I like the institution. I'm an institution guy. I'm uh up and including today.

I go I uh three years ago I needed a biopsy of putting a 6-in needle in my side. And I said, "What?" And the doctor and I started flipping out. Doctor said, "We'll give you something to relax you." And I I said, "Good." And um my sponsor had said to me, "You know, if I get hit by a truck, don't read me the 12 and 12.

Uh get me some dope. We'll read some literature later on. Uh actually why God made it for those of us with a truck on us not those who think that at some point in the future we might be in pain.

Might I always wanted to see that prescription. This is 45in for Scott Redmond cuz he might be in pain at some time in the future. That's why they should have read at any rate.

So I go I clear it with the spots. I go down there. This is 3 years ago.

And uh I check in. I said to the lady when I check in, I said, "By the way, you know, I I was told that I uh I'm going to get relaxed, you know." And she said, "Okay, they do it in there." So I went in there, guy comes in and takes my clothes. And I said, you know, I don't know if I need to mention this to you, but I was told um that I'm going to get relaxed.

And he said, "Well, the guy will come in." So a guy comes in, puts a line in me. I figure we're on the expressway now, and it's time to get relaxed. And I said, "Do you do the relaxing?" He looks at me like this.

He says, "No, downstairs." So, I go downstairs. They put me on a table. They say, "Shift this way.

Shift that way." I said, "I'm not shifting anyway, okay? It's going to be a very early day if I don't get relaxed." I was told I'm going to get relaxed. I'm not relaxed.

I'm incredibly not relaxed. And there's a lot of eye rolling, which I don't like. I don't mind eye rolling, but I don't like eyes rolled at me.

I don't like that. Okay. So, a lot of eye rolling.

And they bring the doctor in. Doctor comes in. I said, He said, "I can't give you anything.

When I have that kneel in you, you have to breathe or I could nick a vital organ." I said, "11 people have told me I'm going to get relaxed." What the hell are you talking about? He said, "I'll tell you why they've told you that." I said, "Why?" He said, "Cuz you look insane." and and none of them has been willing to be the person who says no to you because they're terrified cuz you look like you're out of your mind. And I realize maybe I got a little froth, you know, um I'm talking.

This is 3 years ago. Two weeks ago, I'm told that I need the same biopsy. I go last Monday for the biopsy.

I called the doctor on Friday. I called the doctor. I said, "Look, I'm just calling you.

I know, you know, I'm just telling you I'm scared. This thing was unbelievably painful and I'm terrified. You know, I and I just asking for your help.

I know you can't give me anything." He says, "What are you talking about?" Of of course I can give you something. I said, "What?" He said, "Absolutely. It's no problem at all." I said, "Aren't you going to nick some?" He said, "No, I'm an idiot.

You know why not?" I said, "Can I have the dope I missed out on last time?" So, I go to the AA meeting. I don't know why. It's a mystery to me.

I go to a place called Unit A in the San Frernando Valley. 7 a.m. meeting.

Got my best clothes on. Got a bad check to write you. Showing up to pee in a cup.

At that meeting, you actually could have peed in a cup. Anybody's cup at that meeting. And I I take one step in.

And I look around and I go, "Oh my god, how did I wind up in Alcoholics Anonymous? This is like beyond lame. This is beyond church, beyond synagogue.

This is some plateau of lameness I never even imagined was available to me. Alcoholics Anonymous." And the room looked like it's the product of 200 years of inbreeding. Easy.

Easy. There are like identical twins carving their initials on each other's feet in the back of the room. Or so it seems to me.

And everything's a miracle. I'm a miracle. You're a miracle.

Miracle. Miracle. Miracle.

The furniture is a miracle. And I'm waiting for the Jew hunt to start. I know that's going to break out, right?

Come on, Haimey. Strap these antlers on. Yidle dle dle.

Oh man. always wanted to run a dick buck Jew. And uh and then the AA unsolicited information guy, he got me at the end of the meeting.

You know him. He's wearing a belt buckle large enough to serve an entire fish on. Do I want what you've got?

No. No. But thanks for spitting on me, Clyde.

I really appreciate it. really appreciate it. I'll show up next week.

Are we going to hook a rug? Do I bring my own bib overalls on my issue to pair? What's the next move, Clyde?

Talk to me, baby. I I hated everything about it. Absolutely everything about it.

I went back to that meeting every morning for a year. And the only thing I can come up with is that I was I was just out of plans. Just out of plans.

If you're new here, I pray for you that you're out of plans. If you're new here and you have a plan, it's probably a be. Don't use your plan.

Grab one of us after the meeting and tell us your plan. We want to know the plan. You know, it's the only place you can find out you're going to always find alcoholics in in a big pharmacy with the products where you repair your own teeth.

Temporary caps, temporary dentures. Have you I mean, I'm telling you, man, you want to do 12step work, go hang out at CVS where people are buying glue and caps and repair kits, self-prepare for teeth. I'm telling you, it's better than a panel at a rehab.

At any rate, I uh I just uh was out of plans and I kept showing up and my wife reached out to the Allen on family groups when I was 37 days sober and um I stuck around alcoholics anonymous for 6 months. I consider myself very lucky to have not had a drink in that six-month period before I got involved in having a life-changing experience with the steps. And I knew I was going to drink.

I had seen guys hundreds of times in just the six months come in, hang out, get sick, get sicker, get to the podium, shared their gift with us, and shared the rest right out of the door or stayed here and became columns of sewage and and uh sexual predators, although I judge no men, thank God. And if you're having sex with newcomers, don't do that. This is better.

It's easier. go to a hospital, go up to ICU, find a woman on life support, unhook her from the machine, have sex with her, and just plug her back into the machine again. The same thing.

It's kind of like having a door man at a hospital and as women come into the emergency room going, "Hold on. I just had to have sex with you and then you can come in." I will not be back at the line thanking people at the end of this. Not going to happen tonight.

Going to be medevaced out of here. At any rate, uh, um, I asked a guy to sponsor me, great guy, and he, uh, made sure I've done some reading from the big book of AA, and he, uh, invited me over to his house, and he read chapter 5 to me and took me through the first, uh, two steps, and we reached step three and said, got on our knees and said a prayer, which I felt was unnecessary and embarrassing, but I did it anyway. And then he went back and he gave me instructions on how to do a fourstep from the big book of AA.

I did with a guy this morning. And um there's nothing better. There's just nothing better.

Cuz once in a while a guy I show it to him. I show him the solution and he pushes his chair back from the table and goes, "Oh, oh my. I had no idea.

I had no idea that this was going to actually be something that it wasn't just going to be a wish or a prayer that there was a practical series of things that I could do of admission um payback, forgiveness, action, love, reconnection. I had become so univilized from rearranging my life to accommodate alcoholism. I had no idea that I could get reinvested in the world.

I had no idea that you guys would wind up putting me in a position where my life would actually be renewed daily by a radiance the source of which is beyond my comprehension. That my problem was so awful and so unsolvable that nothing less than some sort of divine intervention was absolutely necessary. And it's something I thought I had neatly evaded for years.

And it had killed my kids. It had taken their lives away. And it shattered my wife.

And it made sick most of the people around me. And there I was in the pocket with this guy in that day. And he gave me the tools.

And I did my inventory in three months. I went back to him. I read it to him at nine months of sobriety.

I did my stuff list. I didn't know what I was going to do about my kids or my wife or my dad. And my sponsor said, "I don't know either." He wouldn't play God with me.

He wouldn't give me a bunch of tasks that would alleviate that thing. He guided me to my higher power and said, "Let do your job in AA. Let's see what happens.

Do your job in Alcoholics Anonymous and let's see what happens." And I started doing my job. He never said no, so I didn't say no. And I followed him around.

We went on panels, Warm Springs to Hatchipee. We just did it. We were very involved in our home group.

I I unfortunately was brought up in an AA culture for the first 10 years that was not involved with the traditions which really injured me. It really and and it's on me that I didn't go out and seek that. I've got to defer my critical thinking to someone when I come in here.

And I was lucky enough to know that I needed to defer my thinking to someone who would not covet it, hold on to it, and become my boss. that their job, as it's described in the big book, is to help shepherd me to this power that is going to renew me. Having a spiritual experience is not enough.

If it was enough, I'd be out of here. I've had a spiritual experience. This if this spiritual experience doesn't take place in a spiritual community that reignites it, that fosters it, that cares for it, that blows on the embers of it, it will wither and die and I will stop being connected to you and I will again live under the insane idea that I can have a successful life separated from you.

It's a crazy idea. It it doesn't work. And what happened to me is my alcoholism sometimes because something horrible or wonderful would happen would stay above the horizon as a real piece of business for a period of time.

But that's on my own juice. So eventually it's going to vanish. It's going to go below the horizon and stop presenting as a real piece of business.

And I act without reason, without comprehension, without explanation in a dream. My alcoholism has stayed above the horizon for 22 years because it's buoied on the heads and shoulders of the men and women of AA even when I'm not looking at it, even when I'm not trying because of the connective tissue of Alcoholics Anonymous. The stuff that I have continued to suffer from in sobriety.

I've had problems in sobriety. No, no, really. Um I I I I know there are people who have not had problems in sobriety and I'm so happy for them.

And I am not being sarcastic. I really am. I'm not in their me.

I'm not amongst them. I've had big problems in my family life, big problems. I've uh big health problems, big stuff.

I've weighed over 300 lb in sobriety. What does this all have to do with sobriety? Absolutely nothing.

Unless you're going through it. Absolutely nothing. Unless I'm so filled with revulsion that my ability self-revulsion that I'm my ability to really be happy, joyous, and free and pass this on, pass the good news on to somebody is is deeply impacted.

So, I've had to work diligently to get those things to stop being a complaint, to stop acting without reason, to stop suffering. I want to stop suffering and not be afraid to die. That's what I want.

That's what I want. I want to stop suffering and to not be afraid to die. And um and I can and I do sometimes and sometimes I don't.

Um our sons, as I described to you, were uh very very badly injured. And uh when I was a couple years sober, my son, uh Micah was eight and Jesse was six. And I was making a hot dog for him for lunch.

I said, "Michael, what do you want on your hot dog?" He said, "I want mustard, onions, and lettuce." him. I said, "Lett?" He said, "Yeah, I don't want lettuce." And he walked away from me. He came back about 45 minutes later and looked at me directly in the eye.

And I'm not altering one syllable. He was eight. He said, "I will never again allow your opinion of what I want affect what I ask for." So I asked him to sponsor me.

Um, my sons have had a lot of adventures and um, Micah after high school went down to Chapas, Mexico and worked with the Zabatista revolutionaries for a while. and um his mother and I were uh terrified and uh he came back and uh he decided to go to undergraduate school which we were very excited about and uh we kind of started nudging him a little bit about filling out the forms. We didn't think he was doing it fast enough and we wanted him to do it.

So we're kind of stepping on him a little bit. He was 18 at this time and we're nudging him and he looks up at us and says, and again I quote, "Do you actually believe that your anxiety benefits me in any way? And I was thinking, yeah, I was hoping it was really I I otherwise I just wouldn't be doing it, you know.

And here's the crazy idea. It's my crazy idea. My crazy idea.

When I came in here, you said, "What do you want?" And I said, you know, I can tell you what I want. I'd like to write well. I'd like to have a good romance in my my relationships.

I'd like to, you know, a bunch of stuff. And you basically said to me, "Okay, fine. You can work toward that and I bet you even you might even get it all.

But let me ask you a question. Here's the big question. Do you have to be miserable until you get it?

Well, yeah. I mean, number one, if I'm not miserable about it, who the hell is going to be miserable about it? If I don't worry about it, how's it ever going to get achieved?

So, here's the crazy idea. Somewhere in that equation, I believe that my suffering purchases the thing I crave. a design for living.

>> Pick the things you want and commence suffering about them. Continue suffering until you achieve them or just die. Um, and what you guys asked me to do about that is the same thing you asked me to do about my alcoholism.

You said, uh, become part of the deal. Become part of the great reality, the big idea. Join us on the broad highway.

help us to pack things into the mainstream of life. Become join us on the firing line of life. Nowhere in the big book does it say the road gets narrower.

I know what people are saying. I I understand that. You know, you can't do all the bad crap you used to do.

I I get that, but it's I don't subscribe to it. Uh Alcoholics Anonymous and our literature says is about inclusion, not exclusion. It says come and warm your hands over this.

We've got such an incredible opportunity. If you're new, I hope for you that you you appreciate the enormity of the opportunity. We have a little job here.

We don't have to save kids from being raped in Darur. We don't have to go out there and do the things that are that need to be done in the world right now. I hope other people are doing that.

The job I've taken on is this little job in AA. Little job of being willing to continue to take inventory. My whole life is changing.

I've got serious health problems. my whole home, my life, my marriage, everything is changing. Where I'm going to live, everything is changing.

And if you're new here, you're in much bigger trouble than I am. I am not as close to my next drink as you are. My not drinking muscle is really strong.

I only have till 12:00 tonight. Don't get me wrong, but I got I'm in a I'm I'm in a lot safer than you are. So, we get excited when we see if you're new and you're not drinking.

The not drinking part is a moose. If it was not for the not drinking part, we'd be a much bigger organization. I guarantee it.

But it's that goddamn not drinking thing. It really screws a lot of people up, you know. Damn.

Not uh but if you're not drinking, that means you're accepting your alcoholism and you're not treating it with a drink. When the craving comes up, every craving has a beginning, a middle, and an end. And I'm urging you to accept the craving and not take action on it with a drink.

Stop treating your own alcoholism. Take the whooping. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

It felt like a piece of my DNA was being ripped out. Why did it feel that way? Because it was because I'm to the bone.

Cuz that's what I do. My son, who I love, gets in between me and the drink and they vanish. They become something less than human or paperiermâché or they disappear.

How can such a thing happen? I love my sons. You know, we got nailed in the Northridge earthquake years ago.

My family and I, we got badly injured and our house got creamed. than not. Shortly after this experience, I was at an AA function out of town and um this woman who used to live in LA came up to me and said, "Oh, I'm so glad God got us out of LA before the quake." I said, "Oh, so he likes you.

He likes you. Oh, that's so great. But we're crap." But he likes you.

And she said to me, "Well, I guess he just felt you had some lessons to learn. I'm out of here. I have no interest in staying sober in that world.

Why would I want to stay sober in that world where God is saying, "Get him. Get the Redmond boy. Get him." No evacuation plan for you, Jew boy.

Get him. Get him. Turn his wife to salt.

Kill his goat. Put a finger in his eye. Smote his ass.

Smote him. Smote anyone he talks to. Smote them all, baby.

We'll sort him out later. It's like God is some deranged game show host, you know. Well, let's key your car.

You're due for a rash. It's boils for you and it and there's a reason. There's a reason for the boils.

You'll fill it out. You You'll figure it out later on. Really?

You had the boil so that you'd itch and your hand went up during an auction and you bought something that had a zillion dollars in it. There's there's a reason really. My God expects me to do my job in Alcoholics Anonymous if it's to show people how to stay sober.

um through a 32-year marriage or through a sober divorce. My God's not handing out divorces. Um one of my spiritual teachers has one of the most beautiful descriptions of faith I've ever heard.

She talks about um that faith is not belief. She used to confuse faith with belief. But she says, you know, I like my beliefs because I believe in them.

So they make me feel good. She said, "Faith," and this is the most beautiful expression of step two I've ever heard. She said, "Faith is the willingness to expose myself to the truth despite the consequences." What better expression of what we ask you to do in AA?

And I hope we do it kindly. I hope we do it kindly. I hope I do it kindly.

I hope I invite you. I hope that I challenge some really bad ideas you have, like, why are you so willing to believe the worst about yourself? Has anyone ever invited you to be a grown man who belongs in the world?

I do. If no one's invited you to be a grown-up who's alive and intelligent and connected to the world and belongs here, I'm inviting you. Alcoholics Anonymous invites you.

And um all I got is good news. uh my son's um my older son, I'll I'll travel to Itha, New York this coming weekend and watch him graduate from uh the public policy graduate school at uh Cornell University. And my younger son is on a 5-year fellowship to get his doctorate in mathematics at Stamford University.

And it's not because God likes us more than the kids who are being annihilated. It's just what's happening in my house this week. The week my kid was in Chiais, I wasn't the lucky guy.

I wasn't the guy God liked, you know, God, God, what an incredible deal it is. What an incredible spiritual democracy, you know, and I believe it. I believe that the rain falls on the thorns and the flowers.

I believe that God loves all of us, that there is a love here. I believe that certain behaviors are not excusable, but if they're not forgivable, I'm dead. I'm a dead man.

So, if you're new here, I want to urge you to take this thing as seriously as you possibly can and go out there and have the time of your life. Welcome to AA. Welcome home.

Thanks so much. >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.

Until next time, have a great day.