My 12-Year-Old Daughter Drove Me Home Because I Couldn’t- AA Speaker – Tami F.
AA speaker Tami F. shares how her 12-year-old daughter drove her home drunk, leading to treatment, step work, and a spiritual awakening that transformed her family.
Tami F., a recovering alcoholic and mother of four, hit a turning point when her intoxicated driving forced her 12-year-old daughter to take the wheel on a highway. In this AA speaker tape, she walks through her descent into alcoholism and methamphetamine addiction, her time at Valley Hope treatment center, and the step work that gave her a spiritual awakening and restored her relationship with her children.
Tami F. shares her story of alcoholism that began at age 12 and escalated to methamphetamine use while raising four children. She describes the moment her 12-year-old daughter drove her home from Kansas City in rush-hour traffic, the shock of treatment at Valley Hope, and how working the steps—particularly the Fifth Step confession and the spiritual experience it brought—transformed her perspective on forgiveness and her family. Now in long-term sobriety, she explains how Step 10 maintains her spiritual connection and Step 12 allows her to carry the message naturally to others.
Episode Summary
Tami F.’s story is a stark portrait of what untreated alcoholism does to a family—and what recovery makes possible.
She started drinking at 12, chasing the euphoria of that first drink for decades. Alcohol was her constant companion, her solution to every problem. By her thirties, with two young children at home, she couldn’t manage a single social outing without steering her husband to a liquor store mid-meal. She packed coolers of beer for her children instead of juice. She worked at a warehouse where drinking in the parking lot before the morning shift was normalized. She couldn’t imagine a life without alcohol—and she certainly wasn’t going to give it up.
Then came the cocaine she thought she was buying—which turned out to be meth. For a woman already in the grip of the disease, this new solution seemed perfect: it would give her the energy her depressed alcoholism couldn’t. Her sister had been praying for her, asking God to help her stop drinking. When her sister found out Tami was now using meth, she thought those prayers had failed completely.
The turning point arrived on the Fourth of July. Tami was high and drunk when her daughter—just 12 years old—insisted on driving them home from Kansas City. Tami was swerving across the highway in rush-hour traffic. Her two youngest children were in car seats in the back. When the drugs and alcohol finally ran out days later, when Tami woke up and realized she’d missed fireworks with her kids, something shifted. Fear of what treatment might take from her was suddenly smaller than the fear of what her disease was already taking.
She went to Valley Hope, expecting a straightjacket. Instead, she found chaplains, Bible studies, and other addicts learning to surrender. At first, she resisted everything—the chapel, the steps, the whole program. She wanted off the meth; she wasn’t giving up drinking. But in a small group, a woman shared a story about her mother, drunk at a bar while her young daughters sat in the parking lot taking turns driving her home. The story was Tami’s story. Staring at that reflection, she began to break open.
The Fifth Step—confessing her wrongs to God and another human being—became the bedrock of her recovery. She wasn’t moved in the moment. No wind on the mountaintop, no obvious change. But a year later, listening to a sermon in her garage, she heard a passage from Deuteronomy about crushing sin into dust and throwing it into a stream. It was the exact image of what she’d done with her addiction in the river at Valley Hope. God was telling her: that confession mattered. You were forgiven.
Working Steps 6 and 7 felt invisible until she started Step 8, making a list of those she’d harmed. Suddenly she saw herself differently—not a victim who’d been justified in every action, but a woman who could see her part in the wreckage. The steps gave her new glasses. By the time she made her amends in Step 9, she could do it with a forgiving heart toward others, because she’d already forgiven herself through her Fifth Step confession.
Step 10 became her daily practice, her way of keeping that “pink cloud” of early recovery alive—not by white-knuckling sobriety, but by catching resentments as they form and cleaning them up immediately. Step 11 followed naturally; wanting to know the God of her understanding became the only thing that made sense. And Step 12 turned her weaknesses into her strengths. The woman who destroyed her family with her selfishness now carries the message without effort—in grocery store lines, on airplanes, anywhere her story might land in someone’s heart.
Her younger daughters were too young to remember her drinking. But her oldest daughter had watched the wreckage up close. Now, in recovery, Tami could teach her children the Lord’s Prayer, explain addiction in terms they could understand, and most importantly, be present. At a convention in San Antonio, surrounded by 66,000 recovering alcoholics from 89 countries, all holding hands saying the Lord’s Prayer, Tami wept. A cab driver at the convention told her that the spirit of love the group carried had changed his life—and he went home to work the steps.
This is what happens when someone stops running and starts doing the work. This is what the promises look like when you get the “new glasses.”
Notable Quotes
Alcohol was always the one steady friend—that’s what I used to call it back then.
I built a silo one brick at a time up around my entire family and decorated it with Pottery Barn, you know, like we weren’t in a pit. Everyone out there knows you’re in a pit, but no one in your home knows you’re in a pit cuz it’s a family illness.
Three out of 10 of you will make it. Seven of you won’t. Don’t miss a lecture while you’re here. It may be the one lecture that keeps you sober way down the road.
These are a set of steps that we take that we don’t believe until after we take them.
It was like he gave me a new set of glasses and all of a sudden I was able to take one more step back and see where I had set the ball rolling and see my part in it and could leave their part with them.
Step 12 is just like the woman at the well. People know everything I did and they don’t look down on me for it. It’s turned all my weaknesses into my strengths.
Step 5 – Admission
Steps 8 & 9 – Making Amends
Step 12 – Carrying the Message
Spiritual Awakening
Forgiveness
Family & Relationships
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
- Step 5 – Admission
- Steps 8 & 9 – Making Amends
- Step 12 – Carrying the Message
- Spiritual Awakening
- Forgiveness
- Family & Relationships
People Also Search For
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
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Even got a light up here. >> Hi, I'm Tammy. I am an alcoholic >> and by the grace of God um my sobriety date is 070605 which is easy to remember so I hope I never have to change it um but uh my home group is actually uh soy first in a lake Kansas um but uh I come up here often on um big book for big book studies and and then I shoot in here every once in a while but never on a fully regular basis.
just because it's just easier to go to my group in them. Um, but I'm up here quite a bit and I've always enjoyed all the meetings up here. Um, actually I uh when I was I don't know probably 12, 13, I probably had my first drink.
Um, I think it was at the skating rink and I think it was Purple Passion, you know, and it's like, "Ooh, it tastes like juice." And then, woo! Um, and and the euphoria hit. And, uh, and I think I've pretty much chased that euphoric feeling the rest of my life.
And, um, alcohol was always, um, the thing that made me feel complete. Um there's a lot of other outside issues that I try to uh add in with the mix, but alcohol has always been the one steady um friend is what I used to call it um back then. And um and but um I got married twice to the same man.
And to me that is insanity that he would marry an alcoholic twice. But uh um we had two sets of kids. We have two older kids and two younger kids because of the we broke up, you know, divorced and got remarried.
And so uh people always say, "Are they from different marriages?" And yeah, same man. But um so uh my older daughter, um was more affected, I think, from my alcoholism. Uh my son was actually my stepson.
So, I always say, "Thank God you have a different mother." And he says, "You know, I'm I agree." Um, but I mean, him and I have a wonderful relationship. He just doesn't have that alcoholic gene in him. And I thank God for that.
But my oldest daughter, um, you know, she's battled a lot of the same stuff I have. And so, um, but my two little girls are now nine and seven. And I was telling Mary and Elizabeth that I met, I wish I would have brought them up cuz they would have had a ball playing with them.
Uh, but they have never, thank God, had to see me drunk. They've never, they were too little when, um, when I found when sobriety found me, I guess I should say. And, uh, so I'm grateful for that.
Um, and my husband's a normal drinker. He's one of those that can go and drink a half a glass and, uh, and leave the rest. And and I I never really like put my finger on that until I got an AA that we would go out to eat like, you know, on the plaza or something.
And when we would go to dinner and and everyone would have drinks, you know, and wait for their table and then be seated and we'd order another round of drinks. And when the food would come, everyone would push their drink away and be like, "Yeah, the food's here." And I'm like, "Can I get another round?" You know, in a to-go box. Um cuz I had a buzz going on and I didn't want to eat food now.
And so, and I always thought that was really strange. And then, uh, as you know, that they were paying for the tab and and and I'd be like, "Well, go on to the car. I'm waiting on my to-go box and and they would head on to the car and I'd suck down everyone all their drinks around the table, you know, because I didn't want them to go to waste." And then we'd get in the car and with my to-go box of food.
Um, and and on the way home, you know, I'd be like, "Um, turn right up here. There's a liquor store right up here on your right." And my husband be like, "Why?" I'm like, "Come on, turn. It's like 10 till midnight and and you know he's like we got beer at home.
I'm like I am not going to drive ALL THE WAY HOME. THAT'S LIKE 20-MINUTE DRIVE, you know, stop. And he would stop because he didn't want to hear me whining all the way home about not having an open container in the vehicle.
Um cuz I had set the allergy in motion and there was just no turning back. And I didn't understand any of that. I did not know why I was different.
Um, and and I actually had a a I I actually like turned it into a pride thing, you know, like I could bring anyone under the table, you know, and and isn't that funny how we turn those things into such a pride issue, you know, and it was like I look back on that and I think how I must have looked like such an idiot to so many people. And I'm sure I did. And um but it always came first.
It always came first in my life. Um, you know, I I remember going uh boating in the summertime, you know, when my older kids were young and they would go up to the cooler to get a drink and there would be nothing but beer in there, you know, and they would say, "Did, mom, did you pack anything for us?" And, you know, no, I didn't. I didn't.
And I didn't think it was weird that I didn't, you know, I thought, well, I mean, it's so selfish, the complete selfishness um that I just worried about myself and you know, well, why didn't my husband pick pack something for them? You know what? It's not my responsibility and oh my gosh, I look back on that stuff and I just think how sick how sick sick sick that is.
And uh and there's a million other stories that's just a very um vague story, but you know, we can go to such depths as the um self-centeredness and and selfishness. Uh and and you know, I look back on on how sick I made my entire family. And little did I know that I had been building a silo one brick at a time, one brick at a time up around my entire family and decorated it with Pottery Barn, you know, like we weren't in a pit.
And you know, everyone out there knows you're in a pit, but no one in your home knows you're in a pit cuz it's a family illness. and uh and and that's that's when they when that finally came to light, it it made everything so clear. But um my little sister had a church just around the corner.
Uh she was going to church and kept inviting me to this alpha program that they were having and I'm like, "No, I don't think so. Not unless they serve alcohol." And it was Tuesday nights at 6:00 and I'm like, especially no, you know, by 6:00 in the evening, I'm not going any to any church anywhere. And so she had them praying for me.
Little did I know, I mean, I had no clue. And um but she had them praying for me because I was an alcoholic. And um the only time I would stay sober uh was during my pregnancies.
And so um and I had worked at Ford for 10 years in the warehouse. And um and that was just, you know, working in that atmosphere. It was just a give that you drank.
I mean, everyone would wait till I worked the night shift. So 6:00 in the morning, man, we would hit the parking lot and I would have beer and a cooler already and we'd drive around town sucking down beers and then I'd go back to the warehouse and get on the forklift and woo, you know, and uh and it was normal because everyone did it. Even the supervisors would come up to you and say, "You need some gum.
You know, you need some gum." And and it was just it was not an it's it was not abnormal to do that. It was just they even had a sign in the parking lot that said no alcohol on the premises. You know, it was like that's pretty bad when a company has to put a sign up.
And so this, you know, it like the book says, it had become normal. This way of living had become normal to me and and to my family, too. They didn't think anything of it.
I had them all so used to it. Well, um I got pregnant and decided to stay home and uh and have another baby and then I had another baby and that was the only time I was able to stay sober and I was absolutely miserable the entire time I was pregnant. And misery is just a gift that keeps on giving and um and so everyone around me was miserable too.
And of course, I could blame it on the pregnancy and blame it on being uncomfortable and and you know, really, bottom line, I was restless, irritable, and discontent because um I couldn't uh numb myself from life and from feelings and and um anyway, so uh this is when she had them praying for me after the birth of my last baby and hoping that I wouldn't pick the drink up again. You know, of course, I always did picked up the first thing I did. In fact, the first thing I did when I was in the hospital when they came in and said, "Are you nursing?" And I said, "Yes, a beer." You know, he need a bottle for the baby and a bottle for me.
And I and I would, you know, my husband would would bring beer in for me cuz I deserved it. You know, he we ice it down in the sink in the in the little mother's room or whatever, you know. And I'm not kidding.
I would crack me a beer. I deserve it, you know. And uh you know, I deserved everything I got.
It was never enough. Nothing's ever enough. I always thought, you know, that if and if anyone ever talked to me about my drinking, oh my gosh, you know, I I would just start listing 10 things off that I didn't like about you and what you could do to change to make me happy, you know, and um and it was always all about me.
And I drank because you irritated me, you know. I drank because I had to clean the house. I drank because, you know, I'd always have all these excuses of why I drank and why I needed to drink cuz, you know, you people annoyed me and um and I always try to put them on a guilt trip about that.
So, um you know, just looking back on how sick the whole alcoholism um trip is and uh and so anyway, so after I get home, of course, the first thing I do, which I'd already started in the hospital, but now I'm home, so I can smoke too, smoking, drinking, and um trying to take care of these new babies, you know, and uh and um I couldn't keep up with things and the alcohol, at least for me, um and I've heard this from many alcoholics. Um, people out there call it a depressant and not for me. It was actually speed.
Um, most people have a few drinks and they want to go to bed and and uh I think a majority of alcoholics have a few drinks, they want to go to town and I mean that's when I would get my lift and I would clean the house or I would go do, you know, but during this period of time I I was getting it wasn't working that way. And so this is where my outside issue comes in, but there's a good reason to bring it up. Uh, I sought out what I thought was cocaine and um here I think I was 36 at the time and it's like you know how many 36 year olds with two new babies at home and two grown children seek out cocaine and I mean you know how abnormal is that?
Well, I bought what I thought was cocaine, brought it home and it looked all funny and I said, "hm" I called up the drug dealer. I'm like, "What is this?" You know, what do I do with this? I She's like, "You just crush it.
You know, you just crush it up into a powder fine as dust." And I'm like, "Oh, okay. Well, they sure have changed the cocaine since I used it last. So, I crushed it into a powder slime as well.
It wasn't until months later that I found out what I was really using um that it was meth and it wasn't coke. Not that that really matters, but um u I've always I always heard that that was way worse than cocaine for some reason. And um but it didn't stop me.
I was already I was way beyond that line. I was already had um another new solution on top of the alcohol and to give me that enhancement. So now my little sister's really floored because she's thinking, okay, we were praying for her because she's an alcoholic and now she's a drug addict.
You know, this is not working. I mean, every these prayers aren't working. You know, what is this space stuff?
So anyway, when I finally got busted and busted and busted and um put in a corner by my whole family, you know, I said, "Okay, okay, I yes, I'm I need to go to treatment." And um I knew nothing about treatment. I thought they were going to strap me down in a straight jacket or something. I had no clue.
Um didn't even know there was such thing as treatment centers. And so, um, but I had had agreed to go and my husband was going to go on this fishing trip that was planned like up in Canada. And, uh, and I and I was like, you know, go, you need to go to your fishing trip, though.
You know, I'll go next week. I'll go next week. You know how we always try to buy more time.
And, uh, and I'm like, you got to give me some money, you know, because I will like sell the TV or something. And I convinced him that I couldn't function without doing this stuff. And that's how just how sick we can make our family members.
And uh and so he did. He left me money and he went on his fishing trip. My little sister found out and she um I took off to and she came over and got my kids and and took them back with her.
And I'm thinking, well, good at the time. I'm thinking my kids are safe. My husband's out of town.
You know, I'm like I'm I'm straight to the liquor store, straight to the drug house with my money that he left me and with no regrets. No. no remorseful remorseful feelings or anything.
And uh and I get a phone call and he I was supposed to receive one phone call before he got on the final plane into his destination where he wouldn't have phone service. And so I'm thinking this is the phone call and then I'm home free, you know, without him for a week. And uh it was a phone call saying I guess my little sister called him and said you need to get home now or I'm going to call the police on you for child endangerment for leaving your wife with your children knowing the state of mind she's in.
And oh he got on a plane in Minneapolis and flew home. And um and when I found that out I was just livid. I was like you got to be kidding me.
I get a phone call from my husband saying you need to come home. I'm home. I just dropped the phone.
I'm like, what? And I didn't come home for three days. I turned that phone off and I did not come home for three days.
And so I guess they have now the news and stuff are missing. And of course after the drugs ran out and the beer ran out and the smearing off ran out and it was the 4th of July and I'm like okay I called home and I said you know I want to come home and I want to watch fireworks with my kids and but I don't want you know I don't want to catch a hard time. I don't want this.
I don't want that. I started making my list and they were like, "Okay, okay, okay." And um and I hung that phone up with the intention of going home and then going to treatment the next day and I hadn't slept in like 3 days. So, I fell asleep uh in the apartment that I was in which had dynamite in the closet.
It was a really weird place. And the guy that lived there didn't even he wasn't even like in the home. He was in jail.
So, I don't know who let us in. But anyway, it was just he had this crazy insanity insanity. And so I fell asleep and I woke up at two in the morning.
I had missed Fourth of July with my kids. Like I had missed the last couple years with them, you know, but I'm like, "Oh my gosh, this this is nuts. This has got to stop." And so as much fear as I was filled with thinking, how am I going to go into treatment and and and they're going to take everything away from me that I know that that I know how to function on?
How am I going to function? But that fear of of just and that that feeling of of missing all that with my kids at that moment over, thank God, you know, it took over and was more important than the fear for that moment. And so I finally get home and I get taken to treatment and I went to actually had to go to Two Rivers first cuz I had drug induced schizophrenia.
I was hearing things. I was seeing things. I was actually I had been getting um going up in my attic and taking pictures of electricity that ran down the walls and stuff trying to find the cameras that I just knew were in my home, you know.
Everyone, you know, usually on drugs looks out the window for the people in the trees, you know. No, mine was in the house. I knew they were.
I knew some someone was watching me, you know, and so it was just crazy this crazy insanity that was going on in my head. And so, um, but I ended up going into two rivers and being medicated for the the paranoia and stuff like that, which I don't even remember the stay there. I guess I was there a week and I never got out of bed.
And the doctor finally came back to see me in that room. I was like, "Why do you not get out of bed?" And I'm like, "Cuz I'm a meth addict. Don't you have any of those gear?" I didn't know you know what.
And it was just nuts. It was nuts. And I thought, "Okay." Well, then I found out I've been clean and sober for a week.
So, I was like, "All right." you know, even though I slept through it. I mean, still that counts, right? And so, so, and then I thought I was going to get to go home and then we didn't start heading home.
And I'm I'm like, where are we going? And we're we're going to hope. You are not done.
I'm like, I JUST WANT TO GO HOME, you know? And uh and God only knew that. I I for the longest time afterwards, I found paraphernelia all through my house, you know.
So, who knows what my addict brain was saying. Go home. There's a line in the bathroom.
under my sink. You know, I had all these hidden I had built hidden shelves and stuff up underneath my bathroom sinks and just the craziness of it all. Yes.
Yeah. AND I WAS LIKE, "GOD, I qualified." Like I say, cuz I went to Radio Shack and bought those little beepers that you that you put on keys so that when you lose one, you can beat number six. And I put those around the neck of my beers, you know, like so I beat my beard.
I couldn't find them. It was sick. I was like, "THIS IS NORMAL.
ALL THIS WAS NORMAL TO ME, you know. I like I look back at it like that was not normal. So I go into um Valley Hope and I'm going, "Okay, what is this place now?" And now the straight jacket, I'm sure, you know, cuz I'm really nuts.
And uh and they take me on a tour around the building and and I I just remember them some doors swinging open. I'm like, "Is that what is that?" I'm thinking, "Is that a church inside a building?" I'd never been exposed to that as a child. And um you know I we just didn't do that thing you know when I was growing up.
And so when I saw little pews and stuff and I was like that is a church inside of a building. Do people die here or what? You know that's THE ONLY THING I could relate it to was a funeral or something.
You know I didn't get married in the church. And so it was like you know and I said well that's optional. And I'm like well thank God cuz I'm not going in there.
You know it can't make me. And so, um, so anyway, I I, you know, I get set up with my counselors and everything and, uh, and, um, and you know, they start taking us to AA and taking us to NA and and, you know, and I'm like, um, really I didn't miss the drugs. I wanted, that was what I was going to say about my sister's prayers cuz I wanted off of the drugs.
I wanted back to normal, just drinking. I just wanted off of the drugs, you know? I just didn't like those.
They were too hard to keep up with, you know. But don't take my drinking away. I on the way to treatment, my husband even said, you know, maybe maybe you ought to try to quit drinking while you're in here.
And I I I if the car hadn't been going 65, I would have got out. I would have got out. I said, "You are not taking my only enjoyment away from me." and my little sister when she heard that she said doesn't she realize you know that her kids you know are our her enjoyment and and life is her enjoyment and no no that was my enjoyment drinking was my enjoyment um I've done it all my life all my adult life and so that was just that's why I think my little sister can look back and say man you know I thought those prayers weren't be an answer because we were praying that she wasn't an alcoholic and and she turned into a drug addict.
But it was just like God knew that I I that that would get my butt in there and it did. And uh I still thought I'm not going to quit drinking in here. I'm just going to quit doing the drugs.
And so I get in there and I see a little chapel in there. I'm like, you cannot make me go in there. And and so um I was out in the little smoking ped uh um out there at Valley Hope, you know, and this little girl comes running out with the little Tim cross, you know, and she's like, "I got my cross.
I got my cross." I'm like, "What'd you get a cross for?" And she's like, "I'm going to chapel 10 times." So I'm like, "I want a cross, you know, because I know what it stood for. YOU WANT ME TO GO TO ME? I get my cross, you know." And so I thought, you know, okay, I start I started going to chapel, you know, and just to get my cross.
So in fact, I even lied about that. on my ninth time, you know, I was like raised my hand cuz the buddy that I met, you know, that I buddied up with had raised his hand, too. And so I'm like, I'm going to get mine.
That's enough. And so I raised my hand. And so I get my little tin cross, you know, and I'm all proud of myself.
And as I'm leaving that chapel with that little tin cross, all of a sudden I just had a pain in my stomach and I said, h, maybe I shouldn't have done that. And I'm thinking, where where did that come from with my history? Where did that come from?
it it probably cost a nickel. Where did that come from? And it would not leave me.
And so I'm like, "Okay, okay, okay. I'm going to go in the morning and I'll just make it even. I'll just make it even, you know, like no one even knew that.
I probably didn't even care, you know, just get you in there, you know." And so I'm like, "Okay." So I get up in the morning and I go to chapel. I'm like, "Okay, it's all done." You know, I've done my 10. Well, that was the first day that I remember taking anything in that was ever said there, you know, and uh and it happened to be Psalm 23.
And they read Psalm 23 and it said, "The Lord is my shepherd." And I said, "Really?" My last name used to be a wham. And I'm like, "The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want." And then when it said, "He maketh me lie down in green pastures." I'm like, "Well, I need to lie down somewhere.
I've been I've been away for two years, man. You just speak your own language." And then and then uh um uh the part where it says I uh he restores my soul. And I was on step two.
And I'm thinking, he restores my soul and, you know, restores my sanity. And so it was just things started connecting, you know, things started meaning a little bit more than they were on the surface. And I'm like, that's weird.
And so I go to my room after after uh I felt good, you know, everything was even and I didn't feel guilty anymore. And I I went to my room. I get my notebook for lecture and and I was in room 23.
>> Were you really? Oh my gosh, I'm so crazy. And I'm like from room 23 that's really weird.
And so I go down to lecture that day and uh and I'm just kind of feeling a little bit a little bit differently, you know, a little bit better, a little bit I don't know, things were bright or the sun was shiny or the leaves were crisp or I don't know, there was just some something going on inside that I couldn't put a finger on. And um and so I hear this lecture biker Larry did this lecture and he he did uh he did like statistics on the board you know and and um and I may even be wrong but this is what I remember of that lecture that bottom line you know he says uh you know if you do this this and this here's you know basically the statistics of your percentage of you know and they they're never I mean exact but they give you their best shot at what your percentage is if you do these things you know and stuff to their best ability and but He said, "Um, three out of 10 of you will make it. Seven of you won't.
Don't b don't miss a lecture while you're here. It may be the one lecture that keeps you sober way down the road." And I'm like, "What? Seven of us aren't going to make it?
Only three of us are going to make it." And I was floored by that. I thought I thought this was a 100% deal, you know? I had no clue.
I thought this was going to fix me. Yeah, I was going to go home. He had, you know, everything fine.
And I went back to my room after that lecture and I my stomach hurt cuz I had eaten three meals a day and I was not used to three meals a day. And and I was having a reaction to some medicine and and I remember wanting to lay on my stomach cuz it hurt so bad. And I laid on that floor and I just started sobbing with that lecture in my brain that I may not make it.
And I was just the most hopeless I'd ever felt. And I said, "Oh God, you know, please let me be one of those three if I have to shoot the other seven." And that was my third step prayer and he heard it so far so good. Thank God.
And so, you know, faith as small as a mustard seed is all it needs. And so, that was my third step prayer. It doesn't have to be perfect.
That's a good thing. And so, um, anyway, so that was my third step prayer. So then um I finally figured out that I'm supposed to be in this small group thing that they're doing um and that I had a chapter named Larry.
Um I thought that Larry was the only Larry I was supposed to go to and I was all confused. And so anyway, I go to this small group and I hadn't shared anything in any of the small groups that you know um and I cuz I thought it was really strange that I was you know these people were too weird and that I wasn't going to tell them anything about me. And so this woman told a story about her mother.
She said when she was 11 years old, she would uh they lived in a small town and she would her and her sister would be at the bar every night um cuz her mom would be inside drinking at the bar and they would play in the parking lot till her mom was ready to go home and when her mom was um ready or the bar would close or whatever and they would have to round her mom up. And anyway, the little girl, the younger one would push on the gas pedal and the older one would would steer her and drive her mom home every night from the bar. And I'm sitting there going, "Oh my god, what a horrible mom." You know, I'm judging this mom from a little town and I'm thinking, "That is awful." And then I just started balling and Larry looks at me and he's like, "Tammy, you want to share something?" Like I said, I did the same thing.
I did the same thing. I said, "My my daughter was 12 and she wanted to go downtown Kansas City and pick up a friend that uh had moved back in with her father and um I'm like, "All right," you know. So, we get in the van and head to downtown Kansas City and she'd never driven on the roads.
She'd never driven on the highways or anything. She was 12 and I was strung out and I was been drinking and and I'm swerving all over the road, you know, and I had to pull over and she insisted, but I pull over and she finished the drive there and back in rush hour traffic with two babies in the car seat and I'm judging that mom and it was just like it was just like God put a mirror in that room for me to see myself, you know, my reflection. And uh and that's that was um a rude awakening to say the least.
And uh and I I started hearing things that I that I normally couldn't hear. I started seeing things that I normally couldn't see. And um and so I started seeing, you know, I finally figured out the chaplar was the chaplain I was supposed to be singing.
And I didn't even know what a chaplain was. But um this man that I was supposed to, you know, and he was I was finally on my third step and it was about the time I was supposed to be. Well, wait, let me back up to that small group experience one more time.
My daughter at home um I guess she was probably about 16 at the time. She uh found a bunch of ruff bags in a picture box at home and she brought them up there to Valley Hope. And in the small groups, you know, sometimes you'd have to write a letter to your dead father or whatever, you know, whatever it was you weren't letting go.
And we would have different little ceremonies that you'd have to do and we'd burn them on the grill. We do this or we do that. And well, with these nut bags, you know, that they were giving to the counselor and they said, "Well, we can't like burn them on the grill." Trigger for somebody, you know, and he flush them down the toilet, they lighten them back up.
So they're like, "What do we do with them?" Oh, I know. We'll take them to the river. Well, he had a small field trip, you So we took him to the river and I tied him in an envelope to a rock and I had to stand on the pier with this rock in my hand and tell say what this addiction had done to me and my family and that was very hard.
And I remember crying and I looked down at the board and there was a little something sticking out of the board and I just remember staring at it and then I threw that rock in and um and and then you know that and so that was that was the end of that thing. Thank God. And so when I was getting ready to get out of there and I wasn't all the way done with my fourth step, um I didn't really like doing my fourth step.
I didn't know the freedom that was going to come from that fourth step. And so Chaplain Larry said, "You know, you really need to come back up here and do your fourth step. Um do your fifth step.
Go home, finish that fourth step and be fearlessly and thoroughly finish that thing and bring it back up here and and give it to me." And I and I thought writing something down is going to keep me sober. I mean, I just I just thought I just could not wrap my brain around that. So, I went home and I remember that lecture that Larry had been doing, you know, like the percentages and I'm like, "Oh crap, you know, I better do what percentage does that take off if I don't finish it, you know?" So, I thought I better just get back up there and do it.
And so, just because I was following directions, it was suggested that I follow directions. And so, I got back up there and uh in gate chapel area that fifth step and and you know, and when I was done, he's like, "How do you feel?" And I'm like an idiot. I didn't feel anything.
I had no wind blowing on a mountain top like Bill says, you know, and I'm thinking, you know, well, that that was just a waste of time. And I and I thought, well, at least I did what I was supposed to do. So, I'm driving home um from Valley Hope and I was digging in my van to get some change cuz they don't have caffeine there.
So, I was going to stop and get me one on the way home. I'm looking for some change and I pulled out a vial. I used to keep one hit in and I'm like, "Oh crap." And I open that sucker up and all it had was dust in it.
And I put that, thank God, I put that lid back on it and I'm driving past the river and I turned really fast and I went down there to that little pier and I I looked down with that board that I've been standing on and I stood on that same little board and I said a prayer and I talked to him for the first time by myself and I threw that thing in and I happened to be looking down. I started crying again and I looked down and I counted that board I was on. It was board 23.
I said, So I go on home after that and um there a lot of stuff happened in my first year. Um a lot of ups, a lot of downs. Uh and um a lot of the family afterwards, you know, that you get home after you realize you're in a pit and you come in treatment or a day or what you you realize you get out of that pit and you go home and your family's still in the pit and they don't know that they're still in the pit.
It makes it really hard, you know. Thank God for Alanon um and for Lois, you know. And so I about a year later though, I'm listening to uh I wanted to get to know the God of my understanding, you know, and I'm listening to different sermons and stuff like this, you know, cuz they all related to my alcoholism.
And uh and it was old Vern McGee, this really old man. He's dead now, but anyway, he he does this thing called the Bible bus, and he goes through the whole thing. And I was listening to him cleaning my garage out.
He was in Deuteronomy. And um and he reads out Deuteronomy 9:21 where Moses is coming down the hill, the mountain, and he sees him worshiping the calf and he says, "I took that sinful thing of yours and I burned it in the fire and I crushed it into a powder as fine as dust and threw it in the stream that went down the valley that came out of the valley." And I'm like, "What? What?" I ran in, grabbed the Bible, and looked that up, and I'm like, "Oh my god, that is what we did.
That's all that was in those bags was dust. That's all that was in that vial was dust." And I threw it in the river that came down the hill from Valley Hope. And I'm like, "Oh, it just blew me away." It was just like God was standing in my garage at that moment saying that fifth step did matter.
It did matter. Just cuz you didn't feel anything, any wind blowing on the mountain top or anything. it did matter and it's been a year and it was like him saying don't forget where we came from.
Um, thank God I never forgot where we came from and uh and it's been almost 5 years and how much time did I get here? What time did I start? >> 8:30.
Got 15 minutes. Okay. I just wanted to So that was basically, you know, then I I got out of there and and and you know, just so much stuff has happened in the last 5 years.
Um there's just been a lot of a lot of ups and a lot of downs and uh but but later on after I did that fifth step, you know, then I'm thinking, okay, now I got to now I got to do, you know, step six and seven, I thought, what why are they stuck in the middle there? That just didn't even make sense to me at the time. I'm thinking, why are they stuck in the middle?
You know, I get his mom and she's she's like just do, you know, you do your steps and and so I, you know, after, you know, doing um you know, step six where you're becoming ready to have him, I thought I'm fine. everything's great now. You know, I just after the fifth step, I could have just been done with it, you know, and and oh my gosh, you know, I'm I wasn't fine.
I wasn't everything wasn't all right, but I felt so high on life at the time that I thought I, you know, I don't need to do anymore. Well, yeah, I did. And so after I asked him to take away the rest of my shortcomings and stuff and I thought, okay, didn't really feel anything there either.
But um where when I had made that fourth step list and I'm writing down you know the people that you know everything that I you know could think of and and and I'm writing and as I was putting people on that list though I was like well she deserved that but I'll put her down you know and I'm like he deserve that too I'll put him down too you know and I'm putting down I'm inventing it in my step five you know what I did to this person what I did to that person and but in my mind I'm still thinking that they deserved it they deserved it you know and I'm thinking I'm justifying every one of them that I had down I had them down that I was still justifying it and still had my reasons that, you know, I was justified in doing these things. Um, pretty much all of them, you know, but then step six and seven, you know, that didn't feel like they really did anything. When I went back and I started doing step eight and to be getting prepared for my step nine to going and making these amends, when I was making that list of step eight to of those people that that that I had harmed and stuff, all of a sudden that same person that when I put them down the first time, thinking that they deserved it, I started making that list with a new set of eyes.
And I'm thinking, you know what? she maybe she wouldn't have burnt my house down had I not slept with her husband, you know, or whatever it was, you know, I'm just making that up. But I'm THINK ALL OF A SUDDEN I WAS I HAD I HAD LIKE it was like he gave me a new set of glasses like like Chuck Se's book, you know, a new pair of glasses and I like all of a sudden I was able to take one more step back from just actions and see where I had set the ball rolling and see where I my part in it and I could leave their part with them and all of a sudden I could see my part in it and all of a sudden I it was like I realized I did in step six and seven and then it just dawned.
on me. I'm like, that's what happened in six and seven. But I didn't know that's what happened in six and seven until I started doing my step eight.
Just like they always say, these are a set of steps that we take that we don't believe until after we take them. And I'm like, that is so true. Cuz when I look back on it, then I could see where I was able to put these people down.
And I was able to go start making these amends with the right heart and and the right motive and with just cleaning my side of the street, not expecting a thing out of them. And I'm like, "This program is amazing. It's absolutely amazing." And all of a sudden, I started seeing people in a completely different light.
I started seeing the people that, you know, and then and then I I hear people say all the time, let me go there. Okay. I'll hear people say, "Well, I can't forgive myself." You know, I just can't forgive myself.
I can't forgive my and and and I realized, how did I forgive myself? I mean, I I had to think about that and I'm like, "Well, duh." When I did step five and gave that confession over to to God and another human being, I realized that that's when that that feeling left me that I knew I was forgiven. I knew I was forgiven.
And then in step six and seven, when I got a new heart and a new set of eyes, I was able to go to step eight and make that list with a new heart, knowing I was forgiven and it was easy to forgive and then make make the amends. I when I went to make the amend, I didn't have to hold back on that part where I wanted to say but but you did. But if you wouldn't have, you know, I didn't have to feel that feeling of resisting that that temptation to say that because I was truly forgi.
It was just it came naturally to forgive their part in it and not have to even worry about their part in it. It was just a weird I don't know how it works, but it's just amazing how it works really. And I could I could honestly go make those amends with a forgiving heart in their part in it, whatever it was.
Um I it was just a miracle actually. And then you know step 10, 11 and 12 you know they say to go work it. And step 10 I tell people you know that pink cloud they always say well that pink cloud is going to go away.
No it does not have to go away. It can grow bigger and bigger and bigger. You know you just got to do that step 10.
Do that spot check. You know spot check spot check. Throw another splash of pink up there so I can ride it another day.
You know and that's that's how I look at step 10. You know it's a spot check. If there's something not right and that cloud's kind of gray, it's like, okay, you know, do the do the spot check and clean whatever it is up.
It's right there in front of me. Don't let it go and pile up and pile up. And that's when that pink cloud will just let it go.
And so if I stay on top of that that step 10, that pink cloud stays there. And step 11 comes naturally because I'm it's just comes naturally, you know, to uh to want to have a closer relationship to the God of my understanding. Um because I realized it's all about him.
It's all about him today. This this smaller I can get my ego and my self-centeredness. And I remember driving around in my van one day and all these things had lined up.
And this was still when I was sort of thinking are these coincidences, you know, early on, you know, when you still saying that. And all of a sudden, so much stuff happened in one day. the ratings from AA this other thing over here what I was listening to in the van this other all these things and I just had to pull my van over and I just started balling and I was just like oh my gosh who is doing this who's want no one knows if anyone from over there no one from over there knows anyone here no one knows I'm listening to this and it was like ALL OF A SUDDEN it was like you know hello McFly you know it's like and I mean I HAD HE HAD to be that bold with me you know because and and and then and then I look back on that and I think how that is the epitome of selfc centeredness.
I didn't even have one friend left. And then I think people are going out of their way to line this up for me, you know? I MEAN, REALLY, HOW EXTREMELY SELF-CENTERED can a person be that the world just revolves around Tammy, you know?
No, it does not. And um even if I had one friend left, she wouldn't have been able to keep up with with trying to line anything up, you know. So, it was just so funny when I look back on it's like, okay, you know, duh.
And so, you know, and then I always like to say, you know, step 12 is just like the woman at the well, you know, like he knows everything I did. This man knows everything I did. Well, people know everything I did, and they don't look down on me for it.
It's just turned all my weaknesses into my strengths. And it was a while back when I was at um uh all these meetings in a row seemed to revolve around Walmart for some reason. You know, people were always talking about what happened at Walmart, you know, and someone prayed for patience and they were in line at Walmart in the longest line, you know, because obviously they needed patience.
And it was so funny. And so, uh, the last time I I I told the story, I said, you know, step 12 is like the woman at the well and and you know, I will be in line at Walmart and if I'm in line too long, somebody is going to hear my story in some way, shape, or form, you know, and talk about getting that checker to check those things just a little bit faster. You start telling your story in line and it will move right along.
But in THE PROCESS, WHILE EVERYONE ELSE IS MOVING RIGHT ALONG, you got that one person that one person's going to stop and say, "I have your number cuz my friend has a drinking problem." And uh and you know, that's just that that's the miracle of this program is that um you know, you can't keep it inside. Um, it's it really takes no effort for me to talk about my my alcoholism and all, you know, all this coming to a spiritual awakening because it just comes out and we are the light. Um, and I like Sandy Beach's talk when he says, you know, the ego is that little cloud that keeps the sun from shining on you.
And if we can just remove that cloud, the light can shine on us and shine through us and we can become the more transparent we be we can become, you know, the more people are drawn to us. And I just had a wonderful weekend in San Antonio and um and I'll wrap that up. I'll wrap it up with that.
Uh, I had never been I was at a convention early on in Kansas City when I was very first in in um, AA and uh, and so it's kind of vague. Everything was happening so fast back then. I went to that convention down there in San Antonio and I guess there's like 66,000 people or something there.
It was just and we all had green ribbons on with our name tag. People from all over the world, like 89 countries, those flags came out and people held their hands and said the Lord's Prayer. And if you could see, you could hear 66,000 people saying the Lord's Prayer.
It was just more than I could even handle. It was amazing. And um I taught my little girl the Lord's Prayer because I didn't know it when I got in Valley Hope.
I thought it was a conspiracy. I looked around like, "Where's everyone what are they reading off of? Did I miss a class or something?" I didn't how did and I later as I asked them how did you know that prayer?
Um and they said I've known that since I was little. You don't know the Lord's prayer. No, I resent it to my parents and I how dare you not ever take me to church or anything, you know, I was little.
But then I realized what how fortunate I was when I got into AA and I've heard struggles from people that have had you know resentments with certain things and you know that they've been raised with. And I thought wow God turns everything into a blessing. What I thought was a resentment.
He's like childh you're you know you're better off cuz you're getting it fresh like a child. And I was he was like a child in my faith. And I just love that about him.
And I so I but I sure taught my little girls board the minute I got home cuz I never wanted them to feel like that. And my one night my little girl says, "Our father who draws in heaven." And I said, "It's too art in heaven." And she goes, "Drawing is art, mommy. You're the one that says he draws the clouds in the sky." >> Okay.
And my other little girl said, "Amen." Was like, "How many men?" I'm like, "Shut up. Amen. >> I love it.
>> Amen. You know, and and so it's just priceless. It's priceless.
A gift that you can give, you know, your your children and and see them uh you know, grow up um you know, my little one calls it the aa hole, you know. I want a a hole again. And I'm like, no.
Um you know, SHE AND IT JUST AND THEN I ALWAYS tell little story. my little my older girl was in um treatment and and my little girls, they were going to visit her one day and they're like, "Mommy, why is in the hospital?" And I thought, "God, how do I explain this to them?" And I said, "Uh" I said, "Well, honey, you know how you have like a little good voice and a little bad voice?" And I had these little masks that I usually show at Valley Hope when I talk up there. And I said, "You know, the little good bad voice mask." And I said, "Sometimes you have the little bad voice that says, "Hit your sister." And then the little good voice says, "You better not." You know, and they're like, "Yeah." And I'm like, well, sometimes the bad voice, you know, wins out and and uh and you you know, and they're like the out.
And I said, well, I said, if we listen to the bad voice and it, you know, it enough, it'll get bigger and bigger and bigger and eventually, you know, the little good voice over here is getting smaller and smaller and smaller and it's saying, "You're not exercising me." And and and I said, you know, I said, "Sissy went in the hospital cuz she can't hear her good voice at all. She's deaf to her good voice." And so she went into the hospital to try to learn how to hear her good voice again. And I said, you know, that's how I left it.
When we get to the treatment center, she's there like, can you hear your good voice yet? She's like, oh, thanks a lot, Mom. You're in Valley.
She's like, when you WERE IN BALLET, I THOUGHT IT WAS YOUR BACK. NOW I'M IN TREATMENT. IT'S MY GOOD VOICE, MY BAD VOICE.
AND I'M LIKE, THAT'S CUZ I WANTED TO TELL THE TRUTH WITH YOU ALL back then. It's just been a trip. But uh the the cab driver on the last day that we were there, every time a policeman I'd run into like, "What do you think of all these people down?" They're like, "Hey man, you spoiled us down here.
You had spoiled us this weekend." And the cab driver the last night we were on our way back to the hotel. And I'm like, "Well, you guys going to miss us, you know, when we leave." They're like, and the cab driver was very distinct in his words. And he said, "You all have changed my life this weekend." And I was like, "Really?" And he said, "You all have brought with you a spirit of love that I've never I've never experienced in my life." And he said, "And it's something has been missing all my life in here.
And and you you all have what I want." I was just like, "Whoa." And he said, "Someone left a book in my car two days ago, and there's no way of knowing, you know, who it is and how I can get it back to him." He said, "But I'm going home and I'm going to do those steps that you all keep talking about that are in that book." And he said, "You are an alcoholic." And I said, "Just replace the word alcohol with whatever it is." And he said, "I just want what you have." And I said, "Doing those 12 steps, you will have a spiritual awakening." And then he prayed with us >> and I got out of the car and >> glory to God. This program is amazing. Absolutely amazing.
And um I loved each and every one of you in there. And when I was out of town and all these alcoholics around, we all had those green tags on. You could just walk up to anyone and you they were your brother, they were your sister, you loved them and they loved you back and you felt it.
And it was a miracle. It was an absolute miracle. We just invaded that town.
And I think pretty much everyone that was working probably felt it and had a spiritual awakening by the time we left. I don't know. But anyway, thank you.
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