You Cannot Believe the Glory That’s Available to You – AA Speaker – Frank M.
AA speaker Frank M. walks through his detailed approach to working Steps 4-9: writing inventory, examining character defects, and making meaningful amends in recovery.
Frank M. is an attorney with decades of sobriety who takes a rigorous, methodical approach to the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. In this AA speaker tape, he breaks down exactly how he works Steps 4 through 9—from writing a three-column inventory to examining the seven deadly sins to making amends that actually repair relationships. Frank doesn’t sugarcoat recovery; he speaks directly about what it takes to rebuild a life after years of demoralization, blackouts, and moral collapse.
Frank M., a long-sober attorney, demonstrates his precise method for working Steps 4-9, including a three-column inventory format (person, resentment, and self-examination), character defects mapped to the seven deadly sins, and concrete amends that shift relationships. He emphasizes that true recovery requires rigorous honesty, regular step work, and willingness to face uncomfortable truths about ego and self-centeredness. Frank argues that only genuine alcoholics—those with true loss of control—should work the program, and that working the steps methodically opens access to spiritual power and transformation unavailable through comfort-seeking or intellectual understanding alone.
Episode Summary
Frank M. opens with a no-nonsense introduction: he’s here to talk about how the steps actually work, specifically the action steps (4 through 9), and he doesn’t expect everyone to like his delivery. An attorney by profession, Frank carries himself with the directness of someone who has spent years in court, and he brings that same precision to his understanding of recovery.
Early in the talk, Frank establishes what he believes is essential: that Alcoholics Anonymous is for alcoholics, not for people with drug problems, anxiety issues, or social drinking. He distinguishes between a true alcoholic—someone with genuine loss of control—and others who may have wandered into the rooms. This isn’t cruelty; it’s clarity. He tells a story of a 12-step call where he and a sponsor visited a man who drank two glasses of sherry a night. They didn’t identify, left, and months later the man got properly 12-stepped by someone else. For Frank, this is the point: misidentification dilutes the message and keeps people from getting real help.
He describes his own drinking in brutal detail. He was a daily, volume drinker who couldn’t stop once he started. He made promises to his wife (“This is the end of it. Never again. I love you very much.”) and broke them before dark. He went to court in blackouts, represented clients while blacking out, and eventually became so frightened of the phone he couldn’t answer it but was too frightened to let it ring. He stole from clients, lied repeatedly, and became—in his words—”that which I despised.” The turning point came not in a hospital or jail, but in a bar called “The Big Chicken,” where he beat a man who then knelt and begged for mercy. That moment of clarity—realizing he had become everything he hated—broke through his denial.
The core of this talk is Frank’s step work. He begins before Step 1, with a commitment: “By this work I will live. By this work I will die. I will go to any length.” He reviews Steps 1-3 each time, seeking a spiritual experience, not intellectual answers. He walks through Step 1 (admitting powerlessness) by asking hard questions: Can I manage my money without God? My relationships? My ego? He refuses to answer these questions—he remembers them. The tension they create is the point.
For Step 4, Frank has developed a three-column inventory system. Column one: the person. Column two: what he resents and why. Column three: his own ego—his beliefs about who he is, what he needs, what others should do for him. He reads examples from his actual inventory: a client he considered crazy and uncontrollable, which led him to examine his beliefs about control, sanity, masculinity, and money. Another entry about a long-sober group member he resented for picking off weak members—which revealed his own judgments about who belongs in the group, his need to lead, his fear of chaos.
Crucially, Frank refuses to add a fourth column (which some groups use for “solutions”). He argues this allows people to dodge the actual experience of seeing their character defects. The point isn’t to feel better immediately; it’s to see clearly.
For Step 5, Frank works with a trusted person—someone he’s known for years, who is doing the work, and who will be honest with him. He shares his inventory and listens to feedback. Then he gets alone and faces God “with a full awareness of my limitations,” not pretending he’s clean, but asking that every defect standing in the way of his usefulness be removed.
For Step 6 and 7, Frank used the sacrament of penance from the Episcopal Church, mapping the seven deadly sins (pride, anger, covetousness, gluttony, lust, envy, sloth) and creating solutions for each one. He spent three sessions an hour each going through this work with his sponsor, identifying antidotes like meditation, open-mindedness, honesty, kindness, and love.
For Step 8 and 9 (amends), Frank reads specific examples. One amend to a younger attorney he’d patronized, been superior to, and dominated in the office—an amend that wasn’t about denying false accusations but about acknowledging real harm. Another to a long-time group member he’d teased, taken shots at, and sabotaged over two years. That man told Frank he was ready to leave the group because of him. Frank apologized, acknowledged the distance and judgment, and committed to supporting him within the context of friendship and love.
Frank doesn’t present these as victories. He presents them as work—hard, humbling work that changes relationships fundamentally. When he made the amend to the crazy client, the man seemed to shift into sanity. When he made the amend to the group member, he opened a real conversation instead of continuing a pattern of subtle harm.
Near the end, Frank shares a story about his truck being stolen. His inventory on the situation reveals all his beliefs: that he’ll be ripped off by the insurance company, that bad things happen to him because of accumulated “evil force.” His sponsor calls: the truck’s been found, parked a few blocks away, one parking ticket. Frank’s beliefs were wrong. The insurance company later canceled him for too many claims. His house had plumbing problems. But here’s Frank’s point: “If you do the work, right? Good. I tell you, there’s going to be a change in your life. You better like dealing with power in the unknown or don’t mess with this stuff ’cause it’s real.”
He closes by addressing the group directly. He knows some of them will drink before the year’s out. Some will die. He’s not here to be liked. He’s here to say: work the steps. Don’t just think about them. Don’t seek comfort. Seek God. “You cannot believe the glory that’s available to you.”
Frank also spends time describing his home group’s structure—their group conscience process, their insistence on at least five years sober to share in the main meeting, their commitment to the first 164 pages of the Big Book as the topic base. He explains how they force people to speak (by drawing lots), how they ask difficult questions, how they keep the group honest.
This is not a gentle talk. Frank is impatient with half-measures, with people who say they’re “recovering” rather than “recovered,” with comfort-seeking, and with AA’s drift toward treating the program like therapy. But underneath the directness is a man who has seen the power of the steps to change lives—his own and many others. His message is simple: do the work, or get out of the way.
Notable Quotes
I am a real alcoholic. Real ale. That’s been held in contempt in some circles, but I am an alcoholic of the hopeless variety. I will never be normal.
I don’t believe in coincidences. See, you do the work, you recover, you get well. Now I may lie to you, but it won’t be because I’m a drunk. It’s because I’m a lying son of a bitch—but not because of alcoholism.
You cannot believe the glory that’s available to you. There’s no way except the power and the love of God in your heart. I wish I could tell you it’s more than comfort. Sometimes it’s so damned uncomfortable it makes you weep.
One drunk sees another drunk. I see that hat—that’s a bar hat. You wear that hat in the bar, you say any son of a bitch can knock this hat off can have it. We later became acquainted and he and his lovely lady made some nice acquaintances here.
Anybody that doesn’t work the steps on a regular basis is an idiot. I’m trying to talk to those six people that are going to drink and the one or two that are going to die. And for Christ’s sake, change your mind. Change your mind.
Step 5 – Admission
Steps 8 & 9 – Making Amends
Sponsorship
Big Book Study
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
- Step 5 – Admission
- Steps 8 & 9 – Making Amends
- Sponsorship
- Big Book Study
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated and may contain minor errors. For the best experience, listen to the audio above.
Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. If you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-rise.com.
Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> My name's Frank.
I'm an alcoholic. >> Sean has consented to keep me in coffee. I still got this full hand syndrome.
I don't know where I picked it up. Somewhere along the way. First, I want to thank you folks uh for the accommodations and your hospitality and your friendliness.
Um, you don't know me. I hope it lasts, but it won't break my heart if it doesn't. The uh that kind of an introduction, you know, the lay down the gauntlet, you better be good kind of an introduction.
Uh, I don't bite. They uh I'm assuming this group has been represent which has been represented to me as a group that's committed to fundamental orthodox AA as set forth in the first 164 pages of the big book. Now, if you're not in that position, I suggest you will not be very happy with what follows.
today. Fair warning, everybody's here. Okay.
Uh the uh you have treated me very well. I do want you to know I appreciate it. Gary and Julie uh brought me up from Indianapolis.
And and by the way, I particularly want to thank Matthew for setting up my travel arrangements. I can almost stand up straight now. See, he set me I've been I've been had before been by an innocent brood like that before.
But uh their revenge does not lie in my heart. got in this lovely airplane and uh 7:27 I finangled the seat. He hadn't arranged it by the escape door.
I had a lot of room for my legs. Right. We take off from Denver and we're flying.
We're going we're going to go to Chicago and then we're going to come into Indianapolis and Gary's going to meet me and I'm going to go to French Lick which I anticipate is some kind of a log lodge up in the mountains. So, uh, we're in the air an hour and all the ones are turning around taking us back. They can't get a flap up or some damn thing.
Scared the out of me. And they land that airplane. I sit in Denver for 2 or three hours.
Now they've made a connection directly to Indianapolis, but it's an hour later than I have arrangements for my pal to pick me up, right? Will I hitchhike to French Lake? Big question lies there.
And this is all due to Matthew's planning. I don't believe in coincidences. Then uh the new plane I'm stuck next to a very big man and against a window with my knees underneath my chin.
See I have a spike about an inch long on my spine which if cramped up impedes my sciatic nerve causing me a great bit of damn discomfort. And I had two gosh darn hours of that discomfort. But I forgive you, Matthew.
Love that happens. Kneeling. See, I swear I'm not as nice as George and I'm not as nice as George.
Forgive me, but I only swear when there are no other words in the vocabulary to express what is truly meant. I was talking to some pals of mine about qualify. Uh I think it's essential um to suggest you may have drank a little something.
Uh, for example, a friend of mine and I were on a 12step call, a man and his wife, immaculately well-groomed, lovely home, and they called aa, and the two of us went for this poor, distressed man. And here is this healthy bozo who had two glasses of cherry every night. And uh, we did not identify We told him that there's nothing there that even resembled alcoholism and so forth and we left and it wasn't two months later till he was in aa and he'd been properly 12step with a more understanding person.
But I'm one of those that believe that alcoholics anonymous is for alcoholics. Uh period nothing, nobody else. just alkies.
Now we have a lot of people who are have also a drug history but they are ali dual problems. Uh why? Because if the heat gets too much on one problem they jump to the other problem.
Now you're either ali or not. So this rather unusual orthodox bill by the way if I say anything you cannot reconcile with a big book I'm wrong. Uh, I don't believe that alcohol is an addiction.
My first strong influence was a man named Jean at York Street. You notice I did not say sponsor. I asked him to be my sponsor.
He said he would and he denied it all the years to his death that he ever said that. They he said it wasn't in the big book and and that's the way that went. But he had more influence on my life than anyone except my father and my uncle.
My uncle was a drunk. His influence was negative. Uh I'll give you a uh anyway distinguished between the drunk and the addict.
He said, "Now you take a man up in the shack in the woods, chain him up, and you shoot him with heroin or crack or something, three or four shots. You got an addict." He says, "You take that same normal man up there and you pour whiskey down him with a funnel or alcohol enemas or in the vein, any way you want to. No matter how long you do it, if he's a normal man, all he when you get done, all he want to do is get away from you.
If he's an aliy, he's going to want to marry you. They uh I have followed that. I am a real ali.
Real ale. That's been held in contempt in some circles, but I am an alcoholic of the hopeless variety. I will never be normal.
I gave it a good shot and I failed. Um, I was asking my pals about qualifying. What do you They said firstly said you want to talk about loss of control, which is of course the key factor.
If you can't keep yourself from starting drinking or when you start you can't control the amount you take, you're probably alcoholic. Uh I couldn't drink in the morning, but rarely because I couldn't stop. Uh I know a lot of elks can drink get well in the morning.
I had to stay sick as as long as I could. I was a daily drinker, a volume drinker. Um, honey, this is the end of it.
Never again. I love you very much. This is all there is.
I'm so sorry. And before dark, I'm in the bar. Well, I must not have really meant it, honey.
So, I don't know what happened, but this is all. And then I'm back in the bar. Uh, I won't drink in court.
Not ever. Until I drink in court. I had a a death penalty case that fall before I came in.
Uh, the uh recesses were imperative to me. I needed those recesses. And we had a judge who incidentally happened to be an A, but he was really just a bastard.
And he and he'd use up those recesses and I start going into the DTS and I'd last for noon. One noon he had to stay and do instructions and I went crazy. They uh it was the only issue was death.
The guy was an alcoholic who was on librium for his comfort sake and drinking and in a blackout and he took his wife out in city park in front of about 182 witnesses and shot her and threw her out of the car and drove his car over and did all sorts of things then went to the bar and had a drink and couldn't remember any of it. And uh the only issue is whether or not that he'd be killed. And we tried that case went on forever.
Qualified for the death penalty in 45 minutes. Can you believe that? Qualified for the death penalty in 20 in 45 minutes.
Takes weeks. But we had a I had a scenile lawyer Alzheimer's was working with me and had drunk. This guy was well represented, right?
And uh verdict came in and they couldn't find me to take the verdict. They had to get the old man to take the verdict. And by the way, he his life was saved.
God, thank God. Probably on the street now killing some other woman. But uh uh that was getting towards the tail end of things.
Things were getting a little rough around the edges then. Uh I began to lose my tolerance. Now, a lot of people I'd been fired twice, jumped out from one job another, and honey, I'm going on my own.
This one guy, I wasn't there 30 days, had a lovely office, so forth. Came in, all my stuff's a little piled on the desk. And I asked the wrong question, why, you know, well, he said, you won't do what you're told.
You lie to me. Uh, I can't ever find you. He says, you're a drunk.
And he says, you're fine. and quite a little bit more he had to say. I generally didn't ask dumb questions like that.
I was pretty bad idea. And then uh honey, I've had enough of this being an employee. I'm going on my own.
And two weeks later, I remembered it when I I forgot all about it. That's what I thought had happened. Uh made amends to this guy and said, "How in hell did you pick me up so quick?" He says, 'I had a brother that's a drunk and I just was not about to have another one in my life.
And there's the illusion now that drunks are are socially acceptable and everybody loves the ali and so forth. Don't you believe it? Don't you believe it?
One of the best things we got going for us is that uh that we're not approved of and shouldn't be. Shouldn't be. I'm a recovered alcoholic.
I'm a recovered. Most people who say they're recovering aren't. Somebody around 20 years in AA and says I'm recovering.
giving that modest little statement. You know, I got a big book that shows how what is 100 men and women recovered. And if you're around, you're still playing the humility game.
Or more likely, I'm recovering. So, I'm not responsible for my life. I can lie to you because I'm just recovering.
I can screw you over because I'm just recovering. I'm just recovering. So you can't ask me to do the goddamn work in the big book.
So to you recovering alcoholics, good day. The uh see you do the work, you recover, you get well. Now I may lie to you, but it won't be because I'm a drunk.
It's because I'm a lying son of a but not because of alcoholism. I may steal for you. It's because I'm a thief.
But if whiskey didn't cause it, because I have recovered from whiskey. See? tell you about drunks.
One drunk, see another drunk. I came into the dining room Friday night to eat and I was eating alone. I look over there and I see that hat.
Now you see Clarence over there. See that hat? See, now that guy's got to be a drunk.
Maybe see I I'll tell you about a hat like that. But that guy's got to be or else he's a high dollar drug dealer or some goddamn thing. But I think he's a drunk.
And uh you know what that hat is? That's a bar hat. You wear that hat in the bar.
You say any son of a can knock this hat off can have it. That's a hat. We later became acquainted and he and his lovely lady and made some nice nice acquaintances here.
How to qualify? Ask lunch with my pal. It's a loss of control.
Okay. >> Well, move up to the front. If you're hungry, get your ass up here.
You with me? If you need what I have, move up. Otherwise, bleed.
See, and you in the back, I used to run sheep. I had a sheep outfit over in the western slope of of of uh Colorado. And uh those sheep, the strays on the edge of the herd were the ones the bear and the coyote picked out.
And I think the same thing is true in AA. The same thing is true in AA. Those people that sit in the back and around the edges and play it safe and they're the ones that get picked off with whiskey.
They're the ones that get picked off with whiskey. I do peak to speak too soft once in a while and I apologize. >> Good.
I don't think you need it, but listen. All right, qualifying. How do you qualify?
Well, he said loss of control. And another said, well, about the demoralization. So, I'll talk about that.
I became everything I despised in a human being. I was well raised. I was raised in a strong, loving home.
I was disciplined. I was in church. I had a religious I was given an education and then I deteriorated bit by bit by bit.
I became cruel and vicious beyond all belief. Tell you a story about that. I'd play a game in the bar called big chicken.
This was long before the end. And I'd play like I was a coward or less than I was or saying and some guy was a girl and I'd pro him a little and he'd call me out and then I'd take him out and beat his head in. Then this one night there was this boy and I got outside and he knelt down in front of me and begged for me not to hit him.
Now one thing if you leading that life you've got to stay asleep. you can't wake up. And that moment of great clarity came and I realized what I had become.
And I had become that which I despised. I sold my soul in the dinargo market. I stole stole my client's funds.
I lied and I deteriorated morally. Then physically, well, I still have chronic cerosis. I had the DTS badly when I woke up.
I'd have the DTS of the audio type. I'd walk down the street and uh I'd hear Frank Frank McKibben. Now, do I turn around or don't?
Is there someone there? I blacked out a lot. I didn't really realize the extent of blacking out until after I sobered up.
For example, uh I had a guy come in and this was a guy I knew better than a third of my clients I could never remember having seen before. And we'd play Who Are You and What did I promise I'd do for you? And did I take any of your damn money or just awful, terrible time phone?
I was too frightened to answer it, but too frightened to let it ring. uh to go to court. I was early sober and up.
There was a guy in the luggage department of Bia between my building and the courthouse and I'd go and he'd pull my guts together so I could face the court and then on the way back he'd pull my guts together so I could face the office. I had a big pile of papers on there. I scared to death to open any of them up.
and the priceless jewel who had been my secretary had betrayed me, got married and left. And I had and I had this new woman who holds me in utter contempt and rightly so. And then the third guy said, "Fuck it." I said, "What in the world do you mean?
I can't do that." He says, "Yeah, it." I said, "No, I don't understand you." He says, "Well, you got a job to do and you say, "Fuck it." you go drink. You say you got to be in a court of some place. They puck it and you go to drink.
You got to go home. You say pucket and go drink. So I understood that.
And I became a hopeless, helpless alcoholic. Recovery was tough. We did not have access to the steps that are available today.
But I'm going to tell you now how I work the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I just completed the work and I'm going to share that work with you if you will bear with me please. This is how I did the steps during this last time through.
I began with a step before the steps. Now you've asked an individual to read this out of the fifth step chapter the steps but you didn't go back far enough because it starts with saying if you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to do it then you're ready to take certain steps that's the step that has to be done before and I do that each time I go through the steps that commitment by this work I will live by this work I will die I will go to any length not only to maintain sobriety, to reach new awareness and new understanding, to improve my conscious contact with God and to have him in my life and in my heart. And I'm very clear about that.
I review each step and I know the difficulties I'll face and the uncertainties and the unknown. And I make that commitment. And I remember the time and place that I do that.
I used to do it with someone to emphasize that. And that's before I began. Then each time I sit down to write, I review the first three proposals.
I do it in this fashion. I do not seek answers. I'm not looking for knowledge.
I'm seeking a spiritual experience. The line of the first three steps are directed to give me direct conscious contact with God and that experience. Now the first step is we admitted we were alcoholic and that our lives had become unmanageable.
Am I a real alcoholic? I've been sober a long time now. Uh perhaps I was an emotional drinker, a nut and because of my and that was true because of my of my deep fears and my terrible emotional my terrible and emotional consider.
That's why I drank. I am now stable by anybody's criteria mentally and emotionally stable. I'm in a profession that tested on a regular basis.
So now I can drink normally. Now difficulties. Maybe that's why I drank.
God knows I had difficulty. I had one set of people that wanted to kill me. One fella that I had kicked in the head in the Hilton Hotel and a pearl-handled gun rolled out of his briefcase and I kicked him again and kicked the gun away and the cops came.
kind of a messy little deal. But I he said, "I'm going to have them get you." And then I went home to my house on the second floor and I sat in there and I got out. I have a 44 pistol and I got it out.
Sitting there with my underwear in the lap waiting for them, right? Then I got scared of the damn gun. So I unloaded the gun.
I sat with the empty gun. Then I got scared of the empty gun and I sat in terror. Put the gun away.
sat in terror the rest of the night waiting for them. But there was some real limbs too. Uh I had a lot of trouble after me, people after me for money, for unpaid debts, for undone work, for I had some judges that was thought it was inconvenient for me to continue the practice of law.
I thought uh another another block thought it'd be very nice if I got a little iron door therapy to help me with my conditions. Uh that's why I drank because of all that trouble. But that's all straightened out.
The amends have been made. They have all been cleaned up and removed. And now I can drink normally, right?
Or perhaps I'm a man who has locked lost his legs. That I will never be like another normal human being. And I will die in this fashion.
And that if I take one drink, I'm off to the races. And if I get started, I don't ever say that I couldn't make it back because I worked with too many long-term sobriety that have make it back. a lot that haven't, but uh I've worked with better than a dozen over over 20 years that have drank.
Friends of mine 12 years that drank a little while ago. So, so I don't say that cuz that's not true cuz that says there's a limit on the power of God. But most that drink it after lengthy sobriety don't make it.
had another friend was 32 years sober, was responsible for a good portion of the sobriety in Northern Colorado and uh he took pills and went became a treatment counselor. Took pills six years took him six years to die. Couldn't get back into that.
Lovely man. Lovely man. Too bad.
Alcoholism, the true alcoholic is a victim of a deadly disease. To the true alcoholic, to drink is to die. Am I like that?
Am I like that? Well, maybe I need to try the Marty man test, but about two drinks a day for 30 days, more or less. No more, no less, and don't skip a day.
I'm a great believer in that, by the way. I tried that drinking. I was pitched by a man who had broken his anonymity in law school and he took me in that little pink birthday cake and they talked about God and I said, "Goodbye." But he told me too much.
And one was this Marty man test. I got drunk four days in a row. And God, I didn't remember doing it twice over two years.
We have three members of our group who have done that, taken it, and are back on the street as normal people who were sold into AA for whatever reason. So if you can't get it resolved, and it's vital that you do, let me tell you what happens to a straight NAA. He doesn't talk drunk talk.
He does not have the commonality of experience. And while he speaks English language, he does not truly know the transaction that passes with one drunk talking to another drunk. and they get sicker and they get crazier.
And God help you if you're not. Don't let anybody sell you your alcoholism. Find out there's another real problem to come in as a straight.
You're starting a spiritual program that demands rigorous honesty with a fundamental lie. That's treacherous. That can really get you sick.
Now my life had become unmanageable. Aa's questions do not beg answers. They're to lead you to experience.
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, but our lives had become unmanageable. What does that mean? How is it with money?
What about public service? the lease, master charge, visa, discover, so forth. Is this what I intended?
Had I managed this without God? Can I manage my financial affairs, my ego? Can I straighten out my own ego?
Can I relieve myself of this terrible burden? personal relationship. Do I know what I should tell you here?
Can I manage this conference? Can I see who needs what? Who needs to hear what?
Can I manage this of myself? I am nothing. Without God, I am lost.
You notice I did not answer those question. I remember my life. What about my relationship with Jenny last night?
All I have to do last night, talked to her on the phone, yesterday, last week, Tuesday. Is that what I intended? Got to loves that girl.
Can I manage that? Can I maintain it? How about in my group?
Can I manage this? Can you feel the tension? That's what that tension you're going to follow through the steps.
If you're a comfort lover, you will not enjoy this. See, Prozac is the new comfort weapon of choice. And if you're seeking comfort, go the Prozac route until it does whatever it's going to do to you.
Uh, it's not new. When I came in, it was barbbituates just moving into Librium and then Valium and then lithium and then da da da da da da. This isn't new.
Uh awful things have happened. There's tragedies out of that. But AA is not about solving the social problem of alcoholism.
Not very many people get sober in AA. Did you notice how many more younger sobriety there was here than older? I bet they all moved to Denver, right?
The older soiet. Sure. The Denver must have moved here, right?
But see old doggy trip at York. uh iron worker uh legs were mutilated and he sat there in New York all the time and uh he figured maybe 6% of the people that come in to aa get and stay sober. I think that's generous but it meets pretty close to my experience.
This is a deadly thing here. I may not be too nice a deliverer of the message but all I'm talking about is that I know somebody here's going to die and die pretty quick. Maybe we can make a difference here tonight.
I know some of you are going to drink before the year's down. And these are people that are committed to the work. I will fight that.
Uh George, George's sponsor is evidently a fan of mine. I suppose he said his best wishes and he said, "George, spend some time as Frank. If if you can get past his personality, you'll like him.
Jesus, I don't know if he said that or George just a natural diplomat. I did my until I realize experientially of myself I am nothing without God I am lost and I know it not as an intellectual exercise. We got a lot of intellection pumping away an AA.
God help. Then I move to the second step with this experience. Do I believe or am I willing to believe that there is a power greater than myself who will for me resolve all this and take me into a whole state of consciousness which I cannot imagine.
I cannot conceive a how do I get past here and everybody here in this room is here. Now how in hell you going to get past here and the second step is says here is the past past here or perhaps this is all there is. This is all there is.
Well, if this is all there is, God is not all. This is limited for me. He's not all.
It may be all for you, but not for me. So, God is not God. And I'm an atheist.
Do you understand that? Was that too quick for you? Am I willing to change my mind?
When I came into AA, I assumed open-mindedness meant that I would just add this new knowledge on top of all this vast wisdom that I already I couldn't hit my ass with both hands. And that hasn't changed. The ego still works in the same fashion.
This phenomenon of the reconstruction of the ego, it's a terrible thing. Let me tell you, the longer you're sober, the more difficult to work. Don't make any mistake about it.
And the easier and better your life. But there's no arrival place. I always want certainty, reassurance, and an arrival place.
And it just thrusts you more into the unknown. And then the third step made a decision to turn our life and our will over to the care of God as we understood him to utterly abandon myself to God. Now the first requirement of the third step is the key that any life based on self-will cannot succeed.
That's a requirement you got to get past. decisions made on but what I believe to be true can never work. Ultimately, you'll fail.
You'll fail personally. All right. Am I willing to be an agent of God to sit here and speak in God's shoes as I speak now?
Pretty audacious, isn't it? Am I willing to be an servant of God? Am I willing to be an employees and stay close and do his work?
Then the third step prayer. God, I offer myself to thee to do with me and to build with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will.
take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help. Of thy power, thy love, and thy way of life, may I do thy will always." And now I'm ready to write. And I wrote I'm going to take the liberty.
I brought my inventory with you and I'm going to read some selected portions of it to show you how I wrote inventory this time. I get a ruler out. I even brought my ruler.
And I'm very careful and meticulous when I write. I'm dealing with power. I understand I'm dealing with power.
I'm extremely careful with power. I draw three columns on a on a page. I take the individuals inventory in the second column.
carefully in detail what I resent and then in the third column I analyze my ego. The third column is what I believe to be true. This is the knowledge of how I know who I am, how I know things should come out, how I know what I need, how I know you should behave and treat me, both men and women.
And what money is simple self-esteem, that's who I am. Ambition, what should happen? security.
What do I lack or need? Right? Personal relations.
What if people of the same sex as I? How they should behave and be and treat me. Sex relations.
A person of the opposite sex should be so forth and treat. Let's see how that works. You notice three columns.
You notice I did not say four. Now the fourth column has been created by a group of people educated way past their intelligence is that's right the the philosophers and the so forth. Now if any of you would care to discuss with me I'll be around them tomorrow all morning bring some inventory to me and I'll show you.
Most of the time it's just damn careless writing and draft drafting. And even worse you put a fourth column in. You can dodge experience and you can get a conclusion and get release.
H that's what it is. Or you can call yourself names there. But remember, we're seeking experience.
Let's see how that works. This is about a crazy client. This guy is certifiable.
I mean, genuinely. Number one, he's crazy. Number two, he is a spoiled woman-raised boy with temper tantrums.
Number three, I can't control him even by threatening him to withdraw. He hid. Number four, he hides behind his mother and she protects him and endorses his madness.
She's an enabler. Number five, he whines and sulks. Six, he has his needs ahead of his child.
This involved a rather complex custody case. Um, number one, then I write those down. I rewrite them as I go through because it makes it easier to fit.
Number one, he is crazy. Self-esteem, I'm saying. Ambition to bring him to reason.
I'm the healer. Personal relation. There's no such thing as insanity.
Just self-will. That is selfish, dishonesty, self-seeking, and afraid. All of which yield to me.
Security. I need seed. I need sane, compliant clients.
Pocketbook. Money equals sanity. You think it's funny.
What? What are you making decisions based on this horseshit like I am? Cuz you understand I know these things are true, right?
You get the feel for it now. Now they said you look at your lip see where you're selfish self-centered uh afraid so forth. You think that isn't pretty evident there that I'm hurt and trusted with this guy cuz I can't get along with it.
Let's go on. He is a spoiled woman raised boy with temper tantrums. Number two, self-esteem.
I'm a man raised by men. Ambition to give him balls. self-esteem, serene, at peace, cool.
That's another one. I got two things going here. I got two scenarios now.
I'm a man's man and now I'm Mr. Peace and cool and quiet. Wow.
No wonder why I get confused in some of these situations. Ambition to smack him when he has a tantrum. Sex relation.
Women insist that men raise their boys. Personal relations. A man is eventempered, under control, strong, and clear.
He lives with others with love and reason. Number three, I can't control him even by threatening to withdraw. Self-esteem.
I'm a lawyer, all powerful. I know people. I can manipulate anyone.
I see. Ambition to control him and threat and treat and create him in my own image. Personal relations all need me.
Yield to me gladly. Self-esteem. I'm indispensable.
I am important. I know what is best for you. Pocketbook.
Control equals money. Security. I need to control to be safe.
Number four. He hides behind his mother and she protects and enables him. Self-esteem, brave, protected by God.
That's me. Captain, courageous. John Wayne.
Laugh. While the Indians torture self-esteem, I'm independent. I'm dignified.
ambition to install brains, courage, and dignity in the son of a This, you understand, this guy is a very sick man. Self-esteem. I need no endorsement or justification for others.
I am God's child, justified by God, no matter what others think. Security, I need to stand alone. reputation and prestige as a hehorse.
Pocketbook. Money equals independence. Money equals courage.
Money equals intelligence. He whines and sulks. Self-esteem.
Responsible. I take comes with equinimity and without complaint. Self-esteem.
The humble man. See, I got a little conflict here, don't I? Humble man.
I let others be. I never try to manipulate them. Self-esteem.
The loving man. I never withdraw to get my way. Ambition to have him act like a man.
To take responsibility for his life. Personal relations. Men are stoic, brave, open, loving, giving, selfless, humble.
Security. I need the power to create him in my own image. Self-esteem.
professional. I am immune to the whining and sulking. Now, that's a piece of a client.
I want to read a couple more. Is that all right? Okay.
This is about a guy in a 33 years sober member of our group. Number one, he sneaks in secrecy like a jackal. Number two, he picks off the weak members of the group, button holds them, then panders to their weakness, to their detriment, and sometimes their death.
Number three, he is a hypocrite. He does not practice what he preaches. For example, he's way late in his fifth step and probably has never made his a man.
He works only we have a pretty orthodox group. The average sobriety in our group is around 11 years and it runs up into the high 30s. We have them even all the way through all the way.
We've been very effective in our group. He is a hypocrite. He does not practice what he preached.
Wait a minute. He works only with people with money or with pretty girls. Number one, he sneaks into secretive like a jackal.
Self-esteem, group leader, guru, know everything about everybody. Self-esteem, I'm open, direct. I'm a lion.
Ambition to convert or d to convert him or drive him away from the herd. Security. I need open, direct members.
Personal relations. All in the group are open, loving, and kind to each other. They're direct, and they're honest.
and so on and it goes. You get the idea of how I write. I'm not going to drag it on.
And I've written in many areas of my life and it all seems absurd when you read it like this here, but it isn't. Well, these are the terrible. How could this be?
I'm 30 years sober. I've written at least one inventory every year since I've been sober. And in the early two, three, and sometimes more.
And here I am again with this stuff. Same stuff. Now, what do I do with it?
Well, I got a friend named Gary also whom I fist stepped with. It do it because I trust him. He's closed mouth.
He is a friend. He's doing the work, has done it for many years, and I can trust him. I pissed with similar people uh and who will feed back and will listen will correct and what about this you missed this and so forth.
Then I get alone and I review my work and see if it's been thorough. Pick up any loose ends that may have come up in the fistep. And then I face my God with a full awareness of my limitations.
See, I'd love to go to God with clean hands. But I have to go with the awareness of this stuff. I have to go to him as I am with real awareness of my selfishness and my self-centeredness and my immaturity.
And I say, "God, here I am. I pray that you remove from me every single defect of character that stands in the way of my usefulness to you and to my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding.
May I do your will always." Then I move to the eighth step. And I'm going to show you what I did with the eighth step. And I'm going to show you with these amen.
This is what I did out of this work. I used the sacraments of penance of the Episcopal Church. I've used other other things that this contains the seven deadly sins.
And let me I'm going to switch the water here for a minute, man. Thank you. I'm going to read you some excerpts, a line or two from from each of two of us met and we went through these and this is how this reads and I'll show you what we did with them.
Pride is putting self in the place of God. This is the first deadly sin. That's the objective of life.
It's the refusal to recognize our status as creatures dependent on God. I'm just reading bits and pieces. Irreverence direct neglect of worship of God.
Sentimentality. Being satisfied with pious feelings and beautiful ceremony. Presumption.
Dependence on self rather than on God. Consequent neglect of the means of our grace. sacraments and prayer, distrust, refusal to recognize God's wisdom.
This all under pride, oversensitiviness, then it goes on to impenitence and vanity and arrogance and snobbery. That's all under pride. And then anger is open rebellion against God, resentment, refusal to discern, accept or fulfill God's vocation, dissatisfaction with talents, abilities, opportunities, etc.
Pugnacity, retaliation, it goes on with envy and jealousy and malice. I'm just reading head. Covetousness, inordinate ambition, domination, prodig prodigal penurist, gluttony, lust, seven deadly sins.
We spent actually three sessions about an hour piece together on this. But what we did was put together solutions to this. We haven't touched our inventory yet.
And this is not inventory that we did. And I didn't know we had so many of but for example a mener life meditation regular meditation 10step work. Incidentally I've got to do a workshop in the morning on 10 11 and 12.
So, I'm not going to talk about them tonight, but you're to know that they are what the program is truly about. And what we're talking about tonight is how you get a foundation. So, that is a real possibility for you.
Um, open-mindedness, open-mindedness, willing to change my mind. See as we go through this this inventory has shown me where distrust fight to be brave cheerful and hopeful accept obey God's noble will and so forth we went clear through these with solutions for each one of kindness and love of listening of patience of honesty and so on very carefully over those three sessions and then we made amends And I have I've got some amends here that I want to talk to you about. This was a guy that was in the office with me was a tenant of mine.
It was a younger man in his 30s. And uh he had told another friend of mine that I had stolen his cases, that I had not given him his phone calls. And what else?
I wrote inventory on that. Now, how do I deal with this? Well, I set that aside.
and then out of the inventory. This is the amend that came out of it and I went to it. But also I have to solve this other problem of his vet which is absolutely untrue.
I did none of those things. He's just a big mouth kid. And how do I do that without continuing more trouble?
So I went to him and out of the inventory I discovered that I had set myself up to be hurt. And the amend I made to him I said, "Pete, I have patronized you. I have been superior to you.
I was totally dominant and controlling in the office. I treated you like an apprentice. This is an experienced seasoned attorney.
He's a criminal lawyer which I don't pract. That was presumption asking you to take an individual's case for no P because I didn't our relationship did not go that far. I presume the relation did not exist.
Then I told him now I understand you believe that I stole some of your clients, took some of your clients and that uh I've withheld your phone calls and so forth. He said, "Oh, no." He said, "I never believed that in the world." That was him and that was the end of it. and they left that.
Well, that was one. That was relatively easy. I made apology to that sick man and he left after I made the amend.
And he was pandering to my ego to dominate and control him and manipulate. But the minute that I made the amend and apologized for that, told him we wouldn't do that, he could be as crazy as he wanted to and got he was blown, you know, we'd get the case all stable and he'd blow in front of the judge and, you know, kept out of jail. He's crazy enough the judge didn't put him in jail and that's but the minute that I make amends turned into a totally different, seemingly very sane man and got another wife, they hooked me with my own He'd been more experienced on it.
Right. Um, now here was was the the key one. This was that other guy in the group.
You understand? We've been friends for years. And I told him that that I had distance from him, had avoided him, that I teased him.
I'd taken shots at him in the meeting. our meeting pretty easy to do that. I'm going to talk a little bit about groups of your ass getting do so what time is it quarter after nine year time they uh um I told him that uh those things apologized to the shop that I was judgmented him and that I had patronized him also I got a smart mouth and he said yes you have, he says, you have sabotaged me over the last two years.
He says, you've put me down, so forth and on and on, which to a large portion is true. And he said, I'm about ready to leave the group because of you. And he would have been justified in doing that.
Then I talked to him about the distance he had in the non-participation. We had a long talk and I agreed that I would support him and nobody's going to walk on eggs in our group. You understand that?
But it would be in context with friendship and love. That was a rough. There were other amends to my wife, my secretary, to other people in But you get the gist of the work.
Do you understand? That's what I did. That was my experience with this last word.
What happened then? Well, oh, I've got one other piece I should have read to you. It's an inventory about the the thieves that stole my truck.
And the inventory goes on about now I'll have to go to insurance company and I'll have to make a claim and they'll rip me off. And I've got I've got a dime pickup with a brown topper and a handmade kit in the back which you can make into a bed with storage boxes that was loaded with tools and drills and camping equipment and shooting equipment. So and it's gone.
They've stolen. I've been in I was in court with this crazy nut. I come out.
I've been dumped in a in a a restraining order situation that I should have won blindfolded. I come out and the truck's gone and I can't be. drove around the truck, went to the police department, called the insurance company, made the claim, started this long list of personal property I had in there, went to Sears and Rob, priced all the to you can't believe, right?
And then I get this call from George. Frank, I found your truck and I've been looking here and the truck is parked over here. have one ticket on it.
Well, this is what I figured would happen. See, I was a little careless a couple years before a magic force came into my of evil force. It's been accumulating over the two years and that force came and poked my truck with invisibility and moved it over to It was either that or George stole my truck.
Oh god. And then I had to go back. By the way, the insurance company's now cancelled me for too many claims.
That's the truth. And then the plumbing broke in our house, our basement, and this crack. They've dug up our patio, and they cancelled the insurance.
They won't renew my lease. This is what happened if you do the works, right? Good.
I tell you, there's going to be a change in my life. You better like dealing with power in the unknown or don't mess with this stuff cuz it's real. And that's where I'm at now.
I'm juggling with 10, 11, and 12. As you move into a new state, you have to put everything in place again. You can assume nothing.
And I'll talk about that in the morning. Uh, anybody that doesn't work the steps on a regular basis is an idiot. I don't know.
You know, you beg and you plead. I'm trying to talk to those six people that are going to drink and the one or two that are going to die. And for Christ's sake, change your mind.
Change your mind. What is it worth? You cannot believe the glory that's available to you.
You cannot you can't there's no way accept the power and the love of God in your heart. I wish I could tell you it's more than comfort. Sometimes it's so damned uncomfortable makes you weep.
I started this work. I took it and then it took me, you know, and it gone out of control is a can be a hairy business. See, you're methodically piece by piece destroying your belief system.
These are your reference things. This tells you what's right, what's wrong, what's up, what's down, what's good, what's bad, and you're wiping it out of your life. Now, how do you know whether to turn left, turn right, what's safe, what's not safe, right?
I was thinking about blackouts and I I remembered Matthew. Matthew was sitting on the curb and just balling his heart out and his pal come up. He says, "Matthew, what in the hell's the matter with you?" She says, "What's the matter, Matthew?" He says, "My girlfriend sex." Says, "Sex." has sex.
She wakes me up in the morning with sex. Then before breakfast, more sex. After breakfast, sex.
Before lunch, sex. I guess I have to fight to get back to work and more sex. And then I come home from work and there's sex.
And then I before I go to bed, sex on into the night. He says, "Well, for Pat's sakes," he says, "What's wrong with that?" He says, "I can't remember where I live. I've talked what for about a little over an hour and 10 minutes.
Do you want to hear anything about groups? Anybody tired? >> If you if you're done and fed up, get out.
But here's what our group does. They uh No, I don't blame you. You know, you these chairs I get.
Anyway, the group conscience, the tradition says the only authority we have is a loving God. as it's expressed in our group conscience. How do you ascertain that?
What a challenge to gather as a group and try to find out what the will of God is for your group. What is your group conscience going to be? Here is what we do with some success in that respect.
The chairman is just a timekeeper, nothing more. We go around the room and each person has one minute to suggest a topic that he wants discussed. The group then votes whether or not they want to discuss it.
if they don't want to discuss it, uh the minority opinion is heard from why certain people believe we should discuss it and then if that probably ends it. If it is chosen to discuss it, each person has a minute to talk on the subject. Our group conscience is you cannot pass in group conscience.
Our group conscience is everybody attends group conscience. We use full meeting time for this. We don't hold a business meeting after the meeting.
Why do we do this? It make it virtually impossible to politic the group. And it saves individuals becoming personality cut thing.
Gary's group, Frank's group, and so forth. It stops that poison. Then it's voted on.
Again, minority opinion is is listened to. We pray before the meeting. It works very well.
We're asking God's will for us collectively. Makes it very exciting. This is what our group conscience has developed.
This is the format of our group as it exists now. It just been changed. the first 10 minutes which has not been tried yet.
Uh we've never had birthday cakes in our group. Why? Because we left a group where birthday meetings were destroying the group and we were having bad meeting after bad meeting after bad meeting and we decided that in this group we would have the best possible chairman and the highest quality meeting.
So our group conscience is that there must be at least 5 years sober before you can share in that group. You must understand we have other meetings where younger sobriety can share and so forth but not in this meeting not in the home meeting. The um topic must be out of the 100 first 164 pages of the big book.
We don't believe the stories because most of them are corrupt now. the uh Oh, are we bad? Anyway, but we we've got a an unusual history of sobriety in that group.
The uh the first 10 minutes are for birthdays now. And the first come, first serve gets a birthday for that month starting 10 days before the month. and they can fight first come accept anyone under five years has priority during any given month and they give a 10-minute talk and then we commence the build the meeting and this is what our meeting has always been from then on a regular format.
The chairman asked for announcements uh uh introductions and so forth opens with a serenity prayer. We read all of the fifth chapter. The meeting, we have a meet group conscience meeting every two months.
The meeting before the group conscience, we uh read all of the traditions in the long form. And I strongly suggest the long form. Your short form's got some holes in it.
Said anybody with a desire to stop drinking can become a member. They corrected that in the long form. Anybody who's an alcoholic and wants to start drinking, a lot of people educated a just on that.
Well, I and drug addict, well, I want to stop drinking and impose themselves upon it. But that's why we one of the reasons we use the long um and then it's read again before the group conscience. So, we keep clear what we're doing and why we're doing it.
the uh we're all very active 12 stepping uh you'll hear that 12 stepping's dead you can't get 12 step it's not true I have gone to judges or the lawyer so forth I keep I call it my root seller and uh I'm getting off track I group conscious then we uh the chairman introduces the topic talks to it for a brief period of time I forget forget what it is. 5 10 minutes introduces the topic and then we draw lots and force people speak to it. Five minutes a piece.
Then we open the meeting for crossfire and anybody can ask anybody in the meeting any topic about a within 164 pages and uh that keeps everybody pretty honest and pretty much on track. Sometimes it gets a little rough around the edges, but most of the time it draws out incredible amounts of information about the staff and then we conclude with the Lord's Prayer. Pass the basket for self-supporting.
That's about what I have. God bless you all. Hope I've given you something you can live with.
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