I Was Stupid Enough to Follow the Instructions – AA Speaker – Ray M.
AA speaker Ray M. shares 28 years of recovery by following the steps exactly as written, from hitting bottom as a young alcoholic to spiritual awakening and carrying the message to others.
Ray M. got sober at 20 years old after years of isolation, drinking heavily in his garage, and convinced he was better than everyone around him. In this AA speaker tape, he walks through how following his sponsor’s instructions—even when he didn’t understand them—transformed his life from total self-centeredness to genuine spiritual experience and service work that he still does today.
Ray M., sober since 1996, shares how he worked the steps exactly as his sponsor instructed despite resistance and doubt, discovering that rigorous honesty in his Fourth Step inventory and consistent prayer on his knees led to tangible spiritual experience within six weeks. He emphasizes the difference between half-measures and full commitment to the program, illustrating how selfishness (identified in the Big Book as the core problem for alcoholics) destroyed his relationships and nearly cost him his life. Ray details his ongoing practice of the Tenth Step daily inventory, Ninth Step amends to his ex-wife, and the spiritual awakening that came from genuine Twelfth Step work—carrying the message to other alcoholics—which he describes as better than any high he ever chased.
Episode Summary
Ray M. opens with a striking vulnerability: he’s been sober since January 1st, 1996, and still goes to bed every night amazed he made it another day. What makes his story distinct isn’t a dramatic bottom—he never stole cars or spent time in jail like some of his family members. Instead, Ray M. describes the quieter devastation of isolation, genetic predisposition to alcoholism (his father, uncles, and brothers all struggled with the disease), and a paralyzing belief that he was fundamentally different and apart from everyone else.
He came to AA at 20, skeptical and bristling with superiority. He didn’t relate to the old-timers’ stories; he was a college kid with intellectual pride, not a drifter. But something beneath the surface—fear that he was dying like his father and brother—kept him coming back. A crucial moment came when an old-timer explained alcoholism simply: normal people can drink half a cocktail and leave it; alcoholics drink whatever’s there and get drunk. Ray recognized himself instantly.
What transformed his sobriety wasn’t just recognition; it was his sponsor’s no-nonsense insistence that he follow the instructions exactly. Ray’s sponsor had him on his knees praying within days, despite Ray’s agnosticism. When Ray reported the next day that it didn’t work, his sponsor told him to keep doing it, twice daily. Ray was, in his words, “stupid enough to follow the instructions.” Within six weeks of consistent prayer and step work, a stranger at a treatment center asked Ray how she could find God, remarking that God was “obvious” in his life. That moment—seeing his own transformation reflected in someone else’s question—cracked Ray’s intellectual resistance and opened him to genuine spiritual experience.
Ray walks through the Fourth Step inventory with unusual honesty about his own resistance: he initially claimed he had no resentments, until his sponsor reframed it—list people he *could* resent if he wanted to. That shift yielded a substantial list. More importantly, Ray discovered through his Fifth Step what the Big Book explicitly states: selfishness and self-centeredness are the root of the alcoholic’s troubles. He wasn’t just a problem drinker; he was fundamentally self-centered, and seeing that clearly was both humbling and liberating.
His Ninth Steps—particularly with his ex-wife—reveal the practical application of this principle. He didn’t just apologize; he identified what he’d taken from her (financial security, stability, trust) and worked to restore it, even years later. He’s still paying restitution at $320 a month and has over $14,000 remaining, and he approaches it not as burden but as part of his spiritual practice.
Ray emphasizes his Tenth Step practice obsessively because it’s saved his life. When he neglected it, he found himself in dangerous emotional territory—he’s candid about a time, around eleven years sober, when he was expressing suicidal ideation. Returning to daily inventory, he’s rebuilt his emotional sobriety and his relationship with his girlfriend.
But the centerpiece of his message is Twelfth Step work—actual sponsorship and carrying the message to suffering alcoholics, not just coffee-making or service work (which he values, but distinguishes carefully). He describes the high of working with someone through the steps, watching them come alive, as superior to any drug. His ongoing work at treatment centers, sponsoring newcomers through the steps, and connecting with others in recovery feeds something deeper than the material comforts he enjoys (his house, motorcycles, toys purchased through his work).
Ray closes with characteristic humility and self-awareness: he admits he sometimes gets preachy about the Big Book to people who haven’t read it, and he’s working to live the principles more fully than he speaks them. He also clarifies the distinction between service work and true Twelfth Step work—one makes you feel part of the fellowship, the other changes lives and deepens the spiritual awakening that keeps him sober.
Notable Quotes
I was stupid enough to follow the instructions. Nowadays, I’m smarter. I come in here and hear stuff like put your shoes under the bed and pray in the morning and at night, and I’m smarter than you, and I know better, so I don’t follow the instructions. And I end up going crazy.
Selfishness, self-centeredness—that’s what we think is our troubles. Above all, we alcoholics must be rid of selfishness. I was a completely selfish bastard and I did not know that until I did that first step.
If I screw you over and I go donate to the United Way, I’m pushing out unless I have absolutely no other choice. It takes direct amends.
The best part about my life today is what I discovered back at that treatment center—the Twelfth Step is trying to carry this message to the person who still suffers. That is a high like going to some guy who’s miserable in the hospital, just wrecked his car the night before, and talking to him and going through these first few steps. It’s so much better than any drug I ever tried.
If how to get everything you want is to just want what you have—and it’s an awesome awesome life today.
Step 9 — Making Amends
Step 10 — Daily Inventory
Step 12 — Carrying the Message
Sponsorship
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 4 — Resentments & Inventory
- Step 9 — Making Amends
- Step 10 — Daily Inventory
- Step 12 — Carrying the Message
- Sponsorship
People Also Search For
AA speaker on step 9 — making amends
AA speaker on step 10 — daily inventory
AA speaker on step 12 — carrying the message
AA speaker on sponsorship
▶
Full AA Speaker Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated and may contain minor errors. For the best experience, listen to the audio above.
Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. If you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-rise.com.
Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. Thank you.
I am Ray and I'm an alcoholic. >> And thanks to the grace of God in this program, I have found it necessary to take advantage all damn day long. That blows my mind.
Um it's been that way for I don't know 4,000 some odd days. Um, >> since when? >> Since January 1st, 1996, >> which doesn't make any sense to me.
Um, because I remember the day the night before I I decided I was going to do a New Year's resolution. I was going to try this silver thing for one year and I was going to look back after a year and see, you know, see how it was. So, I wanted to do that if I wanted to do the drinking thing.
And um I was really I decided to do a year, but I really wondered if I'd make it a day. And I remember that the end at midnight, you know, the the end of that 24 hours, I was amazed I'd made it 24 hours. And um I'm still amazed today.
I'm I'm going to go to bed tonight thanking God. And in this program, if I can make it another day, cuz people like me don't stay sober. um give you if uh some of y'all may have heard me two years ago or you might have the CD um of Lexi's better introduction.
No, I'm going to try to give y'all something a little bit different if you've heard if you've heard me before um and focus a little bit more on what it's like today uh what it's like now. But I'll give you a brief kind of idea of of where I came from and um and how I ended up here. Um I was really really fortunate.
I got some really really good genetics in a lot of ways. Um my parents were some pretty amazing people, but then also uh my dad was an alcoholic, my uncle was an alcoholic and my brothers were alcoholics. My grandfather was an alcoholic.
So I got the alcoholic gene too. Um, but just quickly kind of to kind of set up where I came from. My dad was literally dirt poor.
When he was a kid, he he slept on a dirt floor in this uh old army tent. Didn't even have a floor. And uh, you know, they had their little garden kind of actually on the side of the road.
They didn't even own the land. They just kind of lived on the side of the highway in a tent. and uh he joined the the Navy and he worked really hard and he was a smart guy and he did really well in the Navy and got about a dozen or so medals and uh they were impressed enough with him they wanted him to do some covert work so they sent him up as an oil company employee and sent him over to the Middle East to do some looking around and whatever and he worked really hard at both jobs there in the oil company and uh and the intelligence and he was a smart guy and just worked his ass off and he ended up being the vice president of that oil company.
And some, you know, 35 years after he was sleeping in the dirt, him and his sons and his wife were jetting around in a private jet. Um, pretty good genetics, a pretty good example. Uh, I think the best thing he ever did was he met this lady while he was in college.
This lady who could do calculus in her head and he was smart enough to marry her and she was a really good lady and just brainiac, just crazy smart. Um, so I got those genetics along with the alcoholic jeans. It's like I say, every man in my family's been an alcoholic.
And that worked out pretty well for me until I was about 13, 12, 12 or 13. Uh, and that's when I discovered alcohol. Seen my dad drink.
I'd seen my brother drink and puke and get arrested. And so I wasn't sure if I wanted, you know, wanted any part of that. Um, but then I did want it.
I wanted it because I wanted to be part of his crowd. You see, he had these friends around him. We were laughing and having a good time.
And I never had that. I remember from my earliest memory is kindergarten of that feeling of being separate that we all have, right? We're all different.
Or I think a lot of us Clifton was talking the other, you know, a couple weeks ago about every speaker comes up here and says, "I didn't fit in. I was different." Yeah, we're all different. Um, but that I I don't know if that's true for everybody, but it's absolutely true for me.
And those were my earliest memories of being apart from and separate. And every other kid in the kindergarten had the moon boots and I had the cheesy generic things and whatever. Um, and for a long time I thought that being separate and being a geek was one of the main driving forces in my life.
I recently found out that that's not true. Um the truth is a big driving force is not that I was different or apart from but that that's what I focused on. Um I had an opportunity to go meet and talk with some people that I knew from kindergarten and um they they explained to me that that my life growing up was totally different than I thought it was.
You know, I thought I was totally picked on by everybody and all this and they dude that's just not true. But that's what I I like to focus on. Um so anyway, yeah, I I decided by by seventh grade.
Um I was going to become a stoner, what we had back in those days, you know, my brother and his friends, you know, get together and drink and smoke this and that and listen to heavy metal music and cause relatives and get arrested. And you know, if I hung out with them, I did those things, you know, I wouldn't be alone. And uh at the same time I had this thing going of of these genetics where I had people um college professors and and who were visiting the schools kept going, "Dude, you don't belong here.
You belong at CU. Here's what you need to do. You need to get the hell out of here." And and that kind of made sense to me because when I knew that I was separate and different and apart from y'all, I had two choices.
Either I was worse than y'all and y'all were all better than me or I was better than all of you. and I decided I was better than all of you. Um or tried to believe that but couldn't really convince myself.
Um so about 12 or 13 I started drinking. Uh started drinking really heavy. Uh really getting into it just cuz I got into high school.
And uh it was pretty sad actually. you know, you've got a guy who has these, you know, I come from a real good home and all that and I'm failing out of high school because I just don't do the work because I'm too busy drinking, you know, and I don't have the story a lot of people have of like stealing cop cars and living in the oleander bushes. Um cuz, you know, I got to see my older brother do that.
He actually stole the the lights off of a cop car and and he would do those things and the cops would beat the out of him and then arrested him, you know. So, I pretty much stayed home and I drank and um and I sold some things and you know, sitting in my garage and and really I didn't do much. Um I sat there and the the entertainment for my day was there was a stunt tack on the wall.
If you drank the right stuff and you smoked the right stuff, that was a hilarious thumb stumback. And some of y'all heard about the world's 20th stunt tack. Um, I won't go into that too much cuz that's on the freaking TV.
But, um, you know, that was my life. And, uh, my the plan was that these, uh, some of these college people, uh, some of these people from the school, they told me, "Drop out of high school, go to community college for a year, good grade, good grades. We'll get you into CU." And then I had some other colleges that wanted me and all that kind of stuff.
So, I'm like, "Okay, that sounds So, I dropped out. Um, started drinking, started smoking real heavy. Um, but I was really excited to start college cuz my mom had told me, you know, once you get to college, it doesn't feel pretty so much into looks and all this and you'll fit in better.
And, um, I was sitting in this college. I was 16 years old and I was stunned out of my mind wearing this Metallica t-shirt and these big skull rings with spikes sticking out and and I was the one acing the cats and I didn't fit in. And my mom lied to me.
Um, I didn't fit in anymore in college. And so I said, "Fuck that." And, you know, I'm just going to drink. And and that's just that's what I did for the next several years.
And, you know, I guess I was seeing my dad and everybody, you'd think that I would know the path I was going down. You know, my dad, my brothers, my uncles. Um, but I was able to convince myself I wasn't an alcoholic, too.
by looking at them and going, you know, say, "My dad's been divorced a couple of times cuz he's an alcoholic. He's wrecked some cards. He's done this." I haven't done any of that.
I haven't been divorced. Hadn't had a girlfriend either cuz I ride, you know, um haven't wrecked any cars. I had one, you know, for about a month at that point.
Um it was wrecked when I bought it, but uh you know, I hadn't hadn't gone to jail five or six times like my brother did because again, I didn't leave the house. I didn't leave the garage. So I uh it it became pretty obvious though pretty quick that you know there was something wrong when like I can't go to sleep without drinking or doing drugs.
Um it became pretty obvious that something was wrong when everything I believe in everything that I thought was important went right out the freaking window when it came to drinking and drugging. um you know that I should be a good older brother to to my old brother and guide and protect him and teach him out the window. I sent him to go get the stuff.
He gets beat up in the hospital and I come with no problem. I'll do it again next week. And he's back in the hospital again next week.
And I keep sending him to do it again. And I came in here to Alcoholics Anonymous. Just really not sure.
But I figured if I wasn't the real alcoholic, I'd still go and I'd see what the real pros you guys who steal cop cars. how do you quit thinking? And if if it works for you, it'll be easy for me, you know?
Um, and and so I showed up here and and I listened and and I tried to kind of do do what y'all did and it didn't, you know, the first couple of weeks I totally didn't feel like I fit in cuz y'all are talking like you're not prison killing people and, you know, you've been divorced six times, you know, um, like we were talking about on, you know, I walk in today, you know, fix the wores. I'm like, I couldn't relate to that. I was, you know, I was 20 years old and I had one girlfriend at that point who liked my weed and you know, and then they sat around and it was this this old people's meeting basically and they sat around and played dominoes.
And I was like, I don't fit in here and I don't want to, you know, I don't want to sit around and talk to these old farmers and play dominoes. Um, but y'all, they laughed. They talked about six somebody would have a divorce six times and people would laugh and that was a good time you know and I hadn't laughed for a long time that that that thumb tech just wasn't doing it anymore and um you know so I stuck around I guess I don't I don't know why I guess cuz I knew I was going to die really underneath I knew you know this disease killed my dad um it was well on the way of of killing my brother my older other and I knew he was going to tell me too, I guess.
But, you know, I couldn't admit that. And, um, they talked about, you know, how to tell if you're an alcoholic. Um, yeah, if you drink more than you intended to.
I intended to drunk all of it. Doesn't apply. You know, if you get drunk when you don't plan on it, if I'm awake, I plan on getting up.
So, you know, that didn't apply. And I just wasn't sure until this old guy explained I I made the mistake of getting on a meeting. Mhm.
>> Y'all told me, honest, open-minded, and willing, and I made the mistake of doing the honest thing. I said, I wasn't sure if I was an alcoholic. And this old guy explained it real simple in a way that made sense to me.
So, there's normal people who order a margarita with their dinner and they might drink half of it, they might drink all of it, they don't care. And then there's alcoholics who call that alcohol abuse. >> I knew exactly what he was talking about.
My mom was one of those that she'd take three sips off the margarita and leave it on the freaking table. I don't get that. Maybe some of y'all understand that not right.
And you said there's alcoholic and you're either an alcoholic or you're not. And you know, I'm one of y'all. I knew that that made sense to me.
you know, I'm going to drink whatever there is to drink and I'm going to get drunk and I'm going to do something stupid. Um, and that's all I'm going to do. Unlike my dad who managed to do both.
That's crazy. Um, so I came, you know, looking at my dad. My dad killed himself basically out of this disease.
The guilt of the that he had done. Um, and like you know I told you my brothers were in all kinds of trouble and all that and I knew this was serious. Um, so somehow um or I don't know maybe it was something that somebody said in the meeting.
Everyone knew what it was, but there was something that caused me to get curious about this To come in off the porch, get a book, talk about the steps, talk about what was really going on in the meeting, get a sponsor and actually do this deal. You know, it talked in here about we begging you to be fearless and thorough. And um for some reason, I did that.
And uh and I worked the first step, you know, as thoroughly as I could. And and I had a problem a little bit with the idea of my life being unmanageable. I said, "Dude, it's unmanaged.
It could be, you know, it it might be manageable." And my sponsor said, "Dude, shut the up. Your life's up." Right. I was trying not to touch this time cuz I cussed more than enough last time I spoke two years ago, but my life was totally screwed up, right?
Yes. Okay. On to step two.
Look at us. Does our life look better than yours? Yes.
We all tell you it's because this God guy, this higher power guy. Do you believe us? Okay.
Yeah, I believe that it works for you. Okay. Step three.
Your life is screwed up. Our life is better because of this higher power. Are you willing to give the higher power a try?
Are you willing to do whatever is his will so that you can have the life that you want to have? kind of like you see us anyway. Hell yeah.
Okay, I'll do that. And it took about that long for me to work those those step two and three. You know, step one was kind of hard.
It took about a 3 weeks. Soon as I had step one figured out, I'm one of y'all. My sponsor wasn't wasting time.
He was one of those guys that had read not just the first part of the book up to here, but he read all this part of the book where it talks about we went over to Dr. Bob's house for a few hours and worth the steps. Um, this part in the back of the book where it says he talks about the guy being 8 days over going on 12step calls.
Um, so that's what he had me doing. Um, he said, "Okay, go home tonight. Hit your knees.
Pray. Come on. We're only get started on the fourth step." Um, and I told him, "Well, oh, there's a problem.
I about the praying thing. I don't I don't know if I believe in God or, you know, Allah or Buddha or what. And I didn't tell you to figure that out.
I said, "Go hit your freaking knees." Well, I don't know what to say. Well, okay, say that. If you don't know what to say, that's don't believe in, you know, believe in God.
Hit your knees and say that. Okay. He said, "It'll work.
It'll work. Don't worry about it." And I hit my knees. And that's what I said.
If anybody here is having any problems with the higher power deal like I did, um, you know, it worked for me just to hit my knees and say, "God, Buddha, Allah, whatever your name is. I don't know, but I'd like to know. I don't know if you exist or not, but I'd like to know.
I don't know if you care about me, and I don't know if you want to be in my life, but I'd like you to." Um, and I came to him the next day, and actually, I told him the next day, it didn't work. My life didn't get any better. He told me to keep doing it.
He told me to do it in the morning and at night. And I've heard people say that in the meetings. And for some reason, I was stupid enough to follow the instructions.
Nowadays, I'm smarter. I come in here, I hear you, I say stuff like put your shoes under the bed, that whole deal, you know, praying in the morning, at night, and I'm smarter than you, and I know better than you, so I don't follow the instructions. And I end up going crazy.
But back then, I I was stupid enough to actually follow instructions. So, um, that's what I did. and Josh started on the court the next day.
He said, "Ride a list of feel you're pissed off at." I said, "Okay." And I went home and a few hours later I told him back. I said, "Dude, I'm not Well, at first he had me read the 12 and 12 and and the and uh and the big book talking about that." And I read that stuff and I sat down for a minute with a pentel and I called him. I said, "Hey, I don't have any resentments.
I'm not a resentful person." I don't know if any of y'all are like that. It's that first step. I'm doing that recently.
I'm looking at the paper actually right here, this 10 steps, last four step, whatever you want to call it, going, I don't really feel resentful. He told me to uh write down people I could be pissed off at if I wanted to be. Now I have a list.
Okay, it didn't take long to come up with about 15 people that if I wanted to, I could really eat that person's gut. Um, and and you know, I did that the the the best I could and it wasn't very good. Um, I had some stupid stuff on there.
I still have stupid stuff on there today, but I did the best I could cuz he had had me he my my sponsor Ryan had pointed out to to me the stuff that we read at the beginning of every meeting. Stuff like half measures available is nothing. We stood at the turning point.
Uh here are the sketches we took which are suggested there was a program of recovery. He pointed out that there's those people out there smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee and half of them aren't going to be back next week or at least not next year. And then there's the people in the room working the steps which is the program and recovery.
And dude, I don't want to die. I'm a wuss and I don't want to suffer. I don't want to have six divorces.
I'm I'm too wussy for that My dad couldn't handle that. He was a military guy. I can't hang with that Um, so I did that the very very very best that I can and I went and I did my fist step and um, you know, I think it was a week later.
He he told me, you know, you're not going to take a month or a year on your freaking footstep. We're going to do a fifth step in a week and if you don't have some good well then you're just going to look like an idiot. So, you know, get started.
Um, and you know that was that was embarrassing and humbling cuz that whole idea that I had of I'm better than all of you got totally destroyed in a couple of different ways. Um, it showed me that I'm self-centered. I'm fearful.
Basically, I'm a wussy. Um but mainly it said exactly what it says in the book. You know selfishness, self-centerness.
That's what that's here's what we think is our troubles. Above all, we alcoholics must be rid of their selfishness. I was I was a completely selfish bastard and I did not know that until I did that first step.
And the other thing where it totally humbled me was that um I didn't have any like really good on there. >> I didn't kill anybody. Damn it.
This other guy that's over, he was a pimp. Right. >> So, he had to make amends to all the hoaxes and um I wanted something on there like that, you know, but no, I was just like I wasn't even a good alcoholic.
I was just a really lame alcoholic. Um and then at the end of the day, he asked me, he said, "Okay, what'd you leave off? What's the good shit?" Damn it.
How do you know? Okay, he's one of us. Um, so I even I had to tell him that one thing I didn't want to ever tell anybody about that night with the crackboard down on 11th Street in Austin.
Um, that was eating my lunch. Um, I hadn't been in a long enough to know that my most embarrassing horrible stuff is just really lame, you know. It is.
I mean, and I've got I've got my stuff out in the car now. Y'all can read it if you want an example of a lame ass protest. And then I've got the current one here.
Um, you know, anybody wants to look at it come up after the meeting unless your name's on it. >> Okay. No, nobody in here whose name is on it is Yeah.
Um, I'll add you later. No, you're two or three of your boyfriends are on there, but um anyway, I got that relief from that guilt and that shame. I didn't have a burning bush, but that's that's what I had.
Um, and more importantly, my sponsor told me that, you know, all these people that take a month or a year to work third step to turn their will in their life over to God, he told me, "I just done that." He said, "You know, you didn't want to come in here and do this, did you?" "No." why' you do this thing? Because if that was God's will. Um, and that's that's what I have to do today is I got to quit worrying about me.
I got to get out of that selfishness that the book talks about and do what this program suggests because this is God's will for me. Um, I'm trying to kind of I'm flipping, you'll see me kind of flipping through the book here because there's a couple of things I underlined that I want to I wanted to mention because I'm I'm kind of scared. Um I'm kind of scared to say AA today.
Um because I come in here and you know, of course, anything I say up here, I don't tell I don't speak for AA. I share my experience drink and hope, right? Unless someone is here and it's out of the book.
If I'm telling you what's in the book, this is Alcoholics Anonymous. It says so right here. Alcoholics Anonymous.
I come in here a lot and I I hear people talking about all kinds of systems. I mean, they have their opinions and that's great. And I love to get different people's opinions.
I love to argue with different people's opinions, but I hear people say like this is a selfish program. The book says 53 times we have to be unselfish. It says selfishness will kill us.
And I want to be real careful that I'll come up here and tell you something that will kill you. I want to give you all alcoholics anonymous. And I don't want to just vent out all of the I was I've been, you know, guilty about or whatever or just being funny.
Um because that's fun to do out by the fire. But this is supposed to be alcoholics anonymous and that's what the book is is alcoholics anonymous. Anyway, um fifth and sixth step wasn't all that freaking hard for me cuz life sucked like I said and my sponsor pointed out to me that even the first several steps were going to suck.
Uh the book says it book says we who who wants commitment powerlessness. Practically no one, right? Who wants to do the uh this inventory?
Nobody likes to do that Um but then later it tells us it gives us the 12 promises and we used to read the 12 promises at the group I covered up in. But it talks about how our fears will go away. Talks about how uh fear of economic insecurity will leave us.
Fear of people will leave us. We'll understand the word serenity and no peace. and he told me these these first steps are going to suck and the good shit's going to come at the end.
Um, so it wasn't that hard for me. Although I have a couple of characters we defects that I like. I like my arrogance.
I like thinking I'm better than you and smarter than you and beat you in every argument. Um, and I like being lazy. I just because if I'm not lazy, then I have to put forth effort and I don't like to do effort.
I guess because I'm lazy. I don't know. But, you know, I have a hard time letting go of that stuff.
But most a lot of the other stuff, you know, it it wasn't that hard. I took about two days to kind of try to give those things over to God. Um, and I did have, if any of y'all have read this, um, it gives us an escape clause that I love.
It talks in here about asking God to remove from us the defects of character. What is the phrase? Uh anyway, the things that are not useful to him and uh I'm getting right back on my two years ago speech, but screw it.
Um so that that's kind of my my escape is I can say, "God, take away my arrogance if you want, but if you don't if you want me to stay arrogant, that's okay. Take away my laziness if you want. But if you want me to stay lazy, I'm all for it." Um, and you know, I still have some of that stuff.
And that's okay. You know, um, I hit my knees and and every morning and I asked uh I ask God what he wants me to do. And if he wants me to be lazy, I'll be lazy.
If he wants me to get up and do the damn dishes like he did this morning, I'll get up and do the dishes. Cool. Um, mainly what I have to pray for today is uh covered on page page 69.
Some of y'all who know me know how crazy that I get with women relationships. Um, some of y'all have video, but um, no, not really. No, not really.
Um, and you know, like in the the area of relationships, people talk about, well, the book doesn't say this, it doesn't say that, it doesn't really say anything about relationships. There's a whole chapter on them. Um then there's a real specific test about how to apply the debt.
Uh on page 69 it says we subjected each relationship to this test. Was it selfish or not? See going back to earlier in the book selfishness kills me and selfishness kills others.
And I've done some really selfish stuff in relationships in this program and really really hurt some people. and I've hurt myself repeated with the same selfish actions with some of the same selfish of some of the same people. Uh and some of you all have gotten to witness that insanity.
Um but that's what I'm trying to do today. And I'm in a much much better relationship today. Um asking my higher power to help me not to be selfish and and and I have this little card that I do every night when I remember it.
I have to ask certain questions uh about you know what what what I did that day. Did I uh where where was I selfish dishonest inconsiderate no matter I hurt? Did I unjustify jealousy suspicion bitterness?
I have to do that because well that's alcoholism. It's right there on that book that list. Uh and life's getting a lot better today.
the uh I'm a little bit lost here. I don't know quite where I'm going. I should skip back to the to the prayer thing and whole higher power deal.
Um you know, I mentioned that I didn't believe in God. I didn't know maybe um and and I prayed just the way that my sponsor told me to and I did exactly what my sponsor told me to do. and he told me to answer the phone.
No. Um, and it was about 6 weeks later, I was doing some 12step work at this treatment center uh where my little brother had gone to treatment for a little while. And uh I was going down there.
I was riding my bike down there every Monday from Round Rock down to uh West Lake. And uh cuz I was going to any links, if any of y'all know Round Rock and West Lake, it's like I don't know 40 miles on a bike. But it says here I we're willing to go length even though I'm lazy.
So anyway, I was going down there and I was trying to do some 12 step work with some of the kids down there. And one of the parents walked up to me about 6 weeks after I'd really started this step and said, "Mate, how do I find God? I tell you have God in your life.
You walk in here and God is I mean obvious in your life. How do I do that?" And that's that was the first like God thing that some I hit my knees. I said, "God, I don't know if I believe in you." And then she's asking me this.
And I had to look at my life. And six weeks of working the steps, my life had turned around so much. My attitudes, my outlook.
I couldn't go to sleep without getting screwed up before. Now, man, I was going to sleep every night just ecstatic to be alive and to be able do 12step work and try to save lives, you know. Um, and I don't know how that works.
There's no I cannot explain these steps after 12 years. I can't explain how getting on my knees instead of praying in the car, how that's different. Uh but that was my experience was that absolutely after 6 weeks of that.
There was no doubt that God was right here guiding me every day. Um you know if if you're struggling with that, try it. Hit your knees.
It sucks. It's humbling. Some of us who are arrogant don't want to hit our knees.
We don't want to be humble even before the creator of the whole universe cuz we want to be eye to eye with the creator of the universe, right? Am I alone in that? I don't know.
But see, I wanted to be eye to eye with the creator of the universe, and I'm not. Okay? He's 10 billion quadrillion times more powerful and smarter and older and everything else than I am.
So, I can hit my knees and I can humble myself uh with the creator of the universe. And um I still don't know if the Catholics are right or the Buddhists are right or whatever, but you know, I know that the God works in my life. Well, actually, I I know they're all wrong, but anyway, that's a topic for something else.
No, they're all right. They're all wrong. They're just different different perspectives.
Um so, I had God going in my life. I I was doing the steps the way my sponsor told me. uh riding my bike to as far as necessary whatever.
Um told me to do the ninth step and uh you know told me to read it out of the book, read it in the 12 and 12 and just follow the instructions uh and not do it my way. I like to do things my way, but I tried to follow those instructions. And um now some of those are kind of hard.
Uh it's really easy. I I see I I don't know if anybody else gets this, but there's a lot of them where I'd like I'd like to say I can't make amends for that person. I can't make that up right now.
I guess there was so many money I can pay. I'm doing that right now. I pay $320 bucks a month and I only have like $14,000 left to pay.
But, you know, it's clear how you do that. But in reality, it's like, you know, I said some rude things to this person. I made them feel worthless.
And um a sponsor along the way pointed out to me a real good way to do that. I worked with this this lady Andrea because it also says that we've made amends wherever possible. Direct amends.
See because I want to do a lot of the excuses. I want to do a lot of these things like well donate some money to charity. It says direct amends.
See, if I go if I screw you over and I go donate to the United Way, I'm pushing out unless I have absolutely no other choice. It takes direct amendments. Um, so along the way, a sponsor pointed out to me that one way that I can figure out how to do those amendments is I can work their footstep.
See, I screwed you over. So I sit down and I look at it like I'm you and I go Ray did this to me and here's what it affected my security speculations personal you know right out of the book the list is in the book um and if I if I do that and I figure out that I took away your security then I got to give you back some security you know and I did that with with my ex-wife after we divorced um when she left me for the second time uh you know I I I just make a make kind of do a do a 10 step, four step, whatever the heck you want to call it. Look at my part, look at resentments, look at what I'd done wrong, you know, be willing to uh, you know, have those character defects removed, be willing to make amends and make amends to her.
And then one of the biggest things that I did was I was financially totally irresponsible. And she didn't know if the rent was going to be paid. She didn't know when the gas was going to get cut off, the electric was going to get cut off.
and she was trying to raise her two daughters and they'd come home from school and she'd go to cook lunch for him and nurse and the stove didn't work. Um, we got evicted from our house. Of course, she definitely played a part in the eviction.
Um, cuz she like took her money and spent it like garbage. But, um, I was financially irresponsible and and I had to say, "Okay, how do I make that up to somebody?" You know, I can't turn the gas back on from two years ago. Uh, but I had to do my little forep and I said, "Ah, I took away her security.
I need to give her back some security." She left me once before and she took half my So, I only had half as much as I used to cuz she got rid of the But when she left, I was like, I got to I got to I took away financial security. I got to give it back. So, I paid a bill for 6 months, you know, and I bought her this little tent to live in.
Um, but whatever it was, you know, I could look at that and I could go, how did it affect them? What did I take from them? Security, sex relations, personal relations, whatever it was.
Um, my 10th step, a lot of people, I don't know, I I I try to do that right out of the book. Um there there's a list in the book. Like I say, I've got it written out on a piece of paper.
And um I hate that because I don't like looking at where I'm selfish, inconsiderate, where I cause resentment. U but my girlfriends love it because like my last girlfriend before this one, she just loves to jump real, you know? I don't have to worry about her lying to me.
I know he will every now and again cuz he'll go to bed at night and he'll look at the list and it says, "Where was I dishonest?" you know, and she'd get a phone call about once a week, you know, bedtime. Hey, doing my thing out. I was dishonest about my motives, what I said was true, but really I was just trying to get in your pants, you know.
Uh, whatever, you know. Um, but I'm I say I hate it, but but actually it's really really really really good for me. Um because rarely do I get myself in a situation that I see other people getting into and the situations that I used to get into.
Um you know, you hear in here a lot because we're alcoholics. We're insane. It says that on the wall step two, we're insane.
Um and so you hear about people, you know, cheating on their girlfriend with their twin sister and you know, Scrimer's principle stuff. If y'all aren't familiar with the Springer principle, it's important to me. It's not on the wall like these principles like patience, perseverance, love.
I think it should be. I might make a really big puter principle. If y'all aren't familiar with that, what it is, it works really well for me.
If I'm thinking about doing something, especially around sex and women, as I say to my could I see this being discussed on Jerry Springer? if it's something that might get discussed and if you're a singer, I don't want to do that. I just I don't want to go there.
Um I know this is a small town. You all like to do that, but um so I try to do my 10 step every night and you know, my little piece of paper got buried under a lot of scope and I didn't do my 10 step for a long time and y'all witnessed the results. Um, and y'all saw me crying up here and I left messages on some of your answering machines talking about killing myself not that long ago, you know, 11 years sober.
Um, but I'm trying to get back in it today because I I don't want to go there. I don't want to have a shotgun in my mouth. I don't want to die.
I don't want to be in prison. I'm actually I know me. I don't think I would die because I do have a little bit of smart on how to stay alive.
Um, but I I'd end up in prison. and that's where I would die physically running, you know, and I wouldn't make it. Um, so I don't want to do that.
So, I'm trying to get back into that 10th step today. I'm trying to get into the 11th step uh because that's what it tells me to do in the book uh to enlarge my spiritual life. It says that there's the world's library of full spiritual books.
So, I've been ordering some of those, reading some different books. I don't like to talk too much about nonA approved literature in the meeting, but um love to talk to people after after the meeting, if you've read anything recently, something spiritually uplifting. Um you know, my my sponsor told me I I was asking him, "How do I do this step?" He said, "Well, you think the Catholics are wrong about everything, right?" No, not everything.
Just 95%. So, okay, go get a book by a Catholic and read it. And you know, I did that and I was really good.
I found out they're not really wrong about 95%. It's only 90. Um, you know, I'm reading I'm reading some other books today, some some classic books about different religions and things.
I just started you in the church a couple of weeks ago. um trying trying to enlarge that spiritual life because I've been told that um what's the phrase that it's about seeking God. It's not about finding God.
Um cuz I don't think I'm ever going to find him. >> Um but what's the phrase at the end of how it works? Somebody help me out here.
Um A, B, and C. What the heck? Here we go.
Oh, yeah. Last thing on how it works that God could and would if he were sought. I still don't know if the Buddhists are right or the freaking Muslims are right or the Catholics are right, but I know that if I keep seeking, it's going to keep working and life is really good today.
Um, like I say, I'm lazy. Um, so it just happened that I I accidentally stumbled upon a job where I worked three and a half hours a day and working three and a half and I'm running off so I can teach you which three and a half hours those are. Um, you know, and and three and a half hours a day, you know, make pays enough money that I have toys like these and and P3 players and motorcycles and jet skis and I bought a house a little over a year ago.
Um, I'm arrogant and so I love being in charge and uh, you know, I have a job where I'm the bot and people call me up for advice and say, "Ray, what should we do?" Uh, I love uh, you know, every area of my life, my relationships. I have some really good close friends today. Uh, you know, people I I told you I never fit in.
Even in AA, no English speakers. I never fit in until I got to AA. I didn't fit in in AA either.
You know, I'm I'm a little worse than y'all. I couldn't take it to the point that y'all did. Um, but that first sponsor of my line showed me how to fit into AA and it's by making the coffee and seeing the estate.
You know, if you make the coffee or if you sweep the floor or if you print the schedules, somebody um >> I bet she feels like she fits in. I did when I was sending the schedules, you know. Um when I'm doing the work of the fellowship, I feel like I'm part of.
And I have some really cool experience today that I've known for many, many years. And I have some really good experience today that I've hardly known very long at all. But you guys get me, you know, and you're close enough friends that you can walk up to me and say, "How's the insanity today?" And we both know exactly what we're talking about.
And we both know, you know, um my relationship with God today is is ever expanding and it's awesome. And um you know, I have a lot of things that I literally have nothing to worry about today cuz all my worries belong to God. I'm about $3,500 short of where I need to be by the end of the month.
I ain't too worried about it, you know. I do his will. I take care of God work.
I'll take care of my wife, you know. Um got an awesome girlfriend today. um that's just sweet as can be and um talking about getting married and all that.
Haven't been together this time around for very long, but we probably we pretty much have the wedding plates figured out and all that good stuff. Um you know, just an awesome awesome life today where I pretty much have everything I want. Somewhere along the way, I learned that or somebody told me that yesterday that if how to get everything you want is to just want what you have and uh and it's an awesome awesome life today.
But the best part about my life today is what I discovered back at that treatment center in West Lake riding that bike down there is the 12 sheeper is trying to carry this message to the person who still suffers. Um, if y'all haven't done real 12 skipp work like it talks about in the book version the chapter version and others or like it talks about in the last 350 pages of the book. He's a bunch of 12 skip.
Oh, you're missing out. That is a high like going to some junk guy or you know somebody just miserable in the hospital just wrecked his car the night before. um and talking to him and and going through these first few steps, doing that third step with him, the fourth step, the fifth step a couple of weeks later and watching a guy really take off.
It's so much better than any drug I ever tried. And I tried a few besides alcohol. Um, I try to do the kind of auxiliary 12step work like uh going in and doing the immigrant stuff.
You know, if you saw some new junk calls, you know, I get lying over my phone or or uh, you know, going down to the convention this weekend. If you'all missed it, there was a thousand AAS at the hotel. have to be there all weekend doing the being in a group table with some other people who uh are better than me so they actually set up on time.
Um but just being able to be there and talk to a thousand people like us. Um it's awesome, awesome, awesome, awesome stuff. Uh but don't be fooled.
You hear in the room sometimes people will say cleaning out astray is ghostly carried a message to another alcoholic. Unless that ashtray is an alcoholic, it's not possible work. It's service work.
It's great. It's awesome because it makes you a part of. And if you're like me, being a part of is almost the holy grail.
Um, but until you've answered the phone at 2:00 in the morning and gone out and talked to an alcoholic who's halfway suicidal freaking up here is awesome hearing a little bit of a message. Not a very good one this time because I couldn't think of my theme or follow anything. But, um, it's good Uh, but that's not 12step work.
If you read and how it works or working with others, it doesn't talk about standing up in a meeting. Um, but it's awesome. It's awesome stuff.
And I'm trying to do more and more of that because like I say, I'm a wuss. I don't want to go back out. I don't.
Um, and the other thing that I'm trying to do today is I get up here or I sit in readings and um, and I whine. online because I hear I I talk or or I talk to somebody after the meeting about selfishness and somebody comes up to me after you know after the meeting or or while I'm talking to the mean guy and they go that's not in the book about stay out of the relationship for a year and I get pissed like stop telling me what's in the book till you first read it cuz the last one I'll say what is Dr. an alcoholic addict about that's still coming up.
You don't talk about drugs. That's in the book. Dr.
Alcoholic addict is a chapter in the book. But um see, I like to do that, but um I'm a little hypocritical. Well, not really.
That's not what the word hypocritical means. Uh but I uh I don't do what I say because there's still some couple of unique stories in here I read. So, I'm trying to get back into the literature, back into the 12 step work, back into praying every night, the same stuff that worked 12 years ago.
Um, that got me here. Cuz if it can take me from here and get me somewhere even better. Yeah, this is awesome right here.
And I can't imagine what's around the spend. don't always get what I want, but normally there's something better. You know, I thought I wanted this crazy little girl.
Some of y'all know, and that wasn't so big. It's become a lot better in store. God's got just uh some awesome stuff in store for all of us who do this.
Not all of us who want it, not all of us who read it, not all of us who talk about it, but for all of us who do it. and uh see y'all around the next bend and and see what uh next other amazing things amazing things that there are. I should also I'm just going to plug real fast if y'all like uh speakers or especially if you want to hear a speaker who's better than me uh who has a better message than me, who's been sober longer than me and has a better sponsor than me.
Um I've got some speakers CDs from some of our other speakers. uh Gabby Clifton uh some of my favorite speakers over there. Catch me after the meeting if you want to hear a good speech on the way home.
Thanks. >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.
Until next time, have a great day.