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We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. Thank you, Jerry. My name is Ernie Rascasquez, and I am an alcoholic.

I see you give your sobriety dates here. Well, uh, I want you to know this. I've been sober long enough to have good teeth.

But I don't have them tonight. I broke a bridge. So, if I'm the only big book somebody that's new here that's going to see, believe me, you'll you'll you'll have good teeth in time.

Uh uh the second thing is I've been in AA a long time. You can look at me and see I've been someplace a long time. And my sobriety date is the 16th of February 1961.

Thank you for which I thank the God of my understanding, a loving and supportive wife who is a good Alanon. people like yourselves, vigorous sponsorship from my sponsor and uh the principles and steps of this program. Uh I'm going to start with a little story tonight.

I've told it before, but uh I like the story and I like the way I tell it. And uh seeing you all here this afternoon, this evening reminded me of the story. You know, it seems that there's a man that lived a good life and he worked hard and he was thrifty and he was industrious and he died and he went to heaven and he got up to heaven and St.

Peter said, "Uh, what denomination do you belong to?" And he said, "I don't belong to any denomination. I just try to do right in my life and uh live the best I could." And St. Peter said, well, he said, I'm sorry, but up here we keep people by denomination, and what I'm going to do is take you around to some rooms, and since you don't have a denomination, I'm going to let you pick one out for yourself.

So, he took him to the first room and he opened up the door and there's a lot of people in there clutching rosaries. They were kneeling and they were praying and they were sweating. And he said to St.

Peter, "Who are these people?" St. Peter says, "These are the Catholics. A lot of them don't even know they're up here yet." And uh the man says, "You have any other choices?" And St.

Peter took him to the next room. And in the next room, it was like a it was like an old Presbyterian chapel there. all of the uh all of the uh pews there and the women were all tailored and very prissy and the men were there with starch collars and everybody was very severe and looking straight ahead and they all had long faces and little thin blue lips and uh he said who are these people and St.

Peter said these are the Protestants and the guy said please he said not for eternity well St. Peter says, "Look, we have one more room." And he took him to the next room. And here people are in there are laughing and joking.

They're hugging one another. And the guy's almost knocked over with the billows of smoke that come out of there. And the aroma of coffee and he said he he got brightened up a little bit.

He said, "Who are these people?" St. Peter says, "We don't know." He says, "Furthermore, these folks say they're only here a day at a time. I found out here at AA that you you are those people and you're the group I want to be with, you know.

Uh, little bit of nostalgia tonight. Your taper this evening, I first met him in 1965, the night that he came to his first meeting. and your stepson is Brenda is now the chairman of your area there.

I happen to be the chairman of the area in Washington DC. I'm from PTOAC Maryland incidentally belong to the PTOIC Sunday night speakers meeting and uh to review our geography a little bit. The District of Columbia is at 10 mile square and to the north is uh Maryland.

To the south across the Ptoic River is Virginia and our AA activity takes place in the whole metropolitan area there. and I was the uh chairman of the uh general services assembly at the time and I was dutyful. I had been invited to come to a meeting.

Instead of coming there leading a discussion or telling my story, I came dragging this big slide projector and showing this general service film about how they do it in New York. And that night we were having a lot of trouble. I said, "Turn the lights on." And then I'd pull with the thing.

Okay, turn them off. And then show it. And then the thing would break down again.

And uh so it wasn't a very good meeting for someone's first meeting. And that was Dick's first meeting that night. And Buck says, "We better take this guy across the street to the hot shop." And we went over there and uh Dick uh uh Buck pounded on him for about 2 hours.

And uh you could you could uh see Buck's identifying mark, the blue mark on the chest from having the finger pointed like this. And uh I'm sure you've been sober ever since then, haven't you? Since that first night.

And I've known Jerry and a group that uh Dick started, the Foxh Hall Group. Now, all the groups in AA every place are good, but the Foxhole Group was in the fashionable area of Washington and important people came there. Uh senators and congressmen and spouses of people like this and from people from the White House.

And uh there's a story, I don't know how true it is. And Jerry was a member in good standing of that group. I heard a story about couple of people were sitting in the front row and the speaker said something a guy didn't understand and said to the next guy, he says, "What did he mean by that?" And the guy says, "I don't know.

I'm just here as secret service." You know, he was there on on duty. But I mean, it was that kind of a group. And it was a very popular very popular very big speakers meeting group on Monday and their discussion meeting on Thursday.

Jerry's a thoughtful guy. I remember uh he hadn't seen me maybe for six or eight months and he knew my anniversary was coming up and he gave me a call. I don't know if you even remember that, Jerry.

And you've invited me to come down there and share my uh my my celebration that evening at the Foxh Hall group. So, it's very nice to be here. I have the warm fuzzies tonight.

Uh there's some lawyers I know in the group here that belong to the uh international ILAA, a pretentious name, international lawyers at AA. We're just lawyers of all kinds. There's nothing international about us except we have some guys from Canada and a few from Europe and and England and so forth.

and uh Tom over here from my old group in PTOAC and uh a lady here, very delightful lady that uh did a lot of wonderful counseling at a treatment center that I had the privilege, a nonprofit place to be the chairman of um uh some years ago and other people that I've met over the years. So, uh, this this fellowship is a wonderful thing. And I know at a meeting this big, there's usually some people that are new or relatively new.

And I'd like to at the outset share this with the newer people. As a matter of fact, uh, in AA when we speak, we speak to everyone, but I usually direct my talk mostly at the newer person. Uh, but if you're new here tonight and you look around this room, we have a nice group here, nice crowd.

We have maybe 15 to 20 times as many people here tonight as there were in AA in the entire world 60 years ago today. Isn't that amazing? 15 to 20 times as many people here as there were a in the world.

And today there are over 97,000 registered groups of AA around the world. We all know that there are lazy secretaries and I'm sure there's another 3,000 that are functioning and unregistered. Which means that you and I can go to over a 100,000 places in the world this week and walk in.

I can walk in and say, "My name is Ernie and I'm an alcoholic." And the people will already know a whole lot about me and they'll accept me and and will share with each other and will not be afraid to be mutually vulnerable. You know, we have many side gifts and benefits in this fellowship. One of the great gifts is that I can take the mask off that I hid behind so much of my drinking life and not be afraid to have you see me as I am because I know that you will expect accept me.

And to echo what Brenda said uh this evening in her wonderful message, she said that she was never comfortable where she was when she was drinking. And I was the same way too. I always wanted to be someplace else because I was running from myself.

But I can tell you tonight that I'd rather be right here, right now with all of you than any place else on the face of the earth. And for this, I am indeed grateful. And it's a very good feeling to feel that comfortable because I've learned the reality of my own life after all these years.

I'm glad I finally learned something about it cuz some of us are starting to run out of time. But uh this is my world right now. You know, we live moment to moment.

You and I don't know what's going to happen when we walk through that door or down the street or go back home or whatever. So, this is this is our reality. And I'm happy to savor it to get everything I can out of it this moment.

Now, I didn't think this way and didn't feel this way before I came here. Let me say something else to the not only to the new people, but to the people that have been around. I was chairman of that general service assembly and a couple years later, I had the privilege of going to New York in 1967 and being the delegate from the Washington area.

And there was an older gentleman that used to like to sit in the back of the room and keep an eye on things to see how we were doing. and his name was Bill Wilson. And it was one of the great moments of my life to meet and fellowship with Bill back there.

And uh that year to give you a little example about the the humility that this fellowship uh teaches and instills in all of us, Bill wrote a book. He and it was just published that year and he autographed it. I have the autographed copy at home.

He has it signed ever, Bill. And it was called the AA way of life. And you AAS got on him and said, "Bill, who are you to write a book called the AA way of life?

You can write a book about how Bill sees it." And so next year they changed the color of the color from cover from gray to orange and changed the title from the AA way of life to as Bill Sees It. And I was there for that uh that event. But the first night I was in New York, Bill gave a talk, a marvelous talk that we all need to remember.

And in his talk, he referred to people like Dr. Silkworth here, the little doctor who loved drunks, to people like Sister Ignatia, who took the vows of poverty, chassity, and obedience. and she broke the rule of obedience because she smuggled a drunk in there into the room that they kept the flowers in in the hospital at the request of Dr.

Bob, the co-founder of AA. Uh and the the the thrust of Bill's talk that night was and it was a marvelous talk. U he went through the history of all of the stages of AA but for the intervention and the help of a non-alcoholic one of our friends that our fellowship would not have moved to the next level the guidance we had and I've sometimes heard right from the rostm when my wife a good woman has been sitting in the audience I've heard people say I don't trust anybody that's not in AA and I feel like screaming out You mean you wouldn't trust Mother Teresa?

You know, uh, so we have many friends and we have to remember that and we're not a cult. I'm not here to preach. I'm sharing.

Now, I started out by saying, "My name is Ernie Rcowskis and I'm an alcoholic." And I'm going to explain what I mean when I say I'm an alcoholic. I've learned how definitions are so important. As a matter of fact, you all read the papers.

You know the trouble we're having in Washington right now trying to figure out what sexual relations means. You know, it's very thorny thing. I mean, uh, we just can't figure it out.

But, uh, when I say I'm an alcoholic, I make one simple admission, and that is that I cannot take a drink safely. That's all that I admit. I don't admit when I say I'm an alcoholic that I'm necessarily but probably neurotic, psychotic, weakwilled, wishy-washy, shiftless, lazy, no account, unemployed, unemployable, of little learning, or of poor background.

all of the things that I associated with alcoholics and alcoholism before I met you good people. I thought alcoholism was strictly an organization that had been started by bums and uh that was of course wrong. I mean the co-founders of AA one was a stock broker one was a physician a surgeon and AA number three was a lawyer.

Two out of three isn't bad is it? Now this definition of an alcoholic I heard from my sponsor to be the day I came to my first AA meeting. He said Ernie he says an alcoholic is simply a person that can't take a drink safely.

We have an allergy coupled with an obsession and on and on. And I went to the meeting that night very very reluctantly. You know, uh, I didn't come to that first meeting and say, "Thank goodness I'm in the right place.

I've come home. These are my people. I came here kicking and screaming because there were a lot of I never in my background.

There's a lot of I never a lot of people's background tonight that will not be I never tomorrow morning. There are people all over the United States tonight that can say, "I've never been arrested for driving while under the influence." Tomorrow morning, they're not going to be able to say that. So, we have to remember that, too.

But I wasn't again thinking that way. I was never a daily drinker. I was never a morning drinker.

I was never a spree drinker. I've never been at a treatment center. I've never consulted a physician because of my drinking.

Never had a prescription because of drinking. Never been fired from a job because of drinking, never been divorced because of drinking or any other reason. You might say, "What's this guy going to talk about tonight?" Like some of you, I accumulated some unjust arrest.

And uh I had maybe while I was in college and law school somewhere between 8 and 12 arrests for public intoxication. It was easy in those days to uh be a a school boy in Washington, be waiting for the street car to go back to campus and the street car is late and you've had a few drinks and I'd be sitting on the curb but not off to sleep and the cop comes along with a nightstick says, "All right, let's go and take you down to the precinct and you'd have to pay uh 10 bucks to get out in the morning and uh that's that's what they used to do." And I accumulated uh as I say, I don't know 8 10 12 arrests. I wish I had kept better records.

I didn't know that there would come a time in my life where it would be a matter of prestige here in AA. Also, for all I know, AA could come out with a pension plan. I could lose out on some of my benefits.

But anyhow, after I after I uh became a lawyer, I was only arrested once for public intoxication. And uh I think that was because to uphold the standards of my profession, I was drinking in better places. And but as a result of that one arrest, I got the uh nickname in AA by which Jerry introduced me of Ernie the attorney.

Now I think in the 10 years that I was married before I came into AA, I don't think I drank a fifth of liquor at home. I don't think I drank a case and a half of beer at home. I was not one of these guys that sat around in front of the boob tube in his underwear all numbed up snapping that six-pack.

I did my drinking out. I like the bright lights. I like the music.

I like to drink with people. I like to share myself. I like people to enjoy my company, my audition, my wit and uh you know my stories.

I was a rack on tour. But occasionally, occasionally when I felt low, when I felt down, I preferred to do solitary drinking in a lowerass bar. And there was good reason for this.

If you're feeling low and if you're feeling down and you go into a lowass bar, you can look around at the other customers and get an immediate lift, a feeling, I'm better than these people. And there was a bar like that on 15th Street in Washington, Jimmy's, a basement bar. And I remember going in there one night and I sat at the first stool.

I was drinking a little vodka and orange juice. And there's a row of tired old men sitting there in these long army coats I'd been given at the mission. And nobody's in there arguing baseball or politics or anything like that.

Everybody's in there having their private fun. These guys were all talked out 20 years ago, you know. I sat down, started funing around myself.

I was making circles on the bar with my glass and arranging my change. And we gave up a lot when we came in here, you know that. But uh and then I was having a meditation.

I started having a meditation. I was thinking about how, you know, you really had to work hard, kid. You were in a service.

You're over in Korea. you were uh worked in the steel mills in western Pennsylvania and you had to work your way through law school and other guys that went to law school uh when they graduated the family gave them a nice convertible a big car some major gift like that you got out of law school you had a wife and three kids and a lot of bills and I was having a meditation like this actually I was enjoying it you know thinking boy you have had a tough kid you know and sort of wallering in that a little bit and uh the old men and myself, we were sitting there like as if we were watching a uh tennis match. We kept looking at the door every time it opened.

I don't know who we were expecting, but we looked the wrong way that night because the action that night came from a far corner of the barroom over there. There was a drunken woman. Bad.

Very bad. Now, this woman, I don't know if she got the wrong drink or the wrong change or what happened, but she got in a bad argument with the owner, who was a pretty good drinker himself, Jimmy. And they get to hollering back and forth and arguing and was on and on.

And the old men now are getting annoyed. And finally, this woman hurled some curse words there that shook up the whole row of us. And the old men took the attitude.

We thought this was a respectable lowass place. Jimmy got on the phone, called the police up. They were there in 2 minutes.

I'm s there sipping my vodka and luxuriating and being so close to this trouble, uh, not being involved yet. And the cops go over. This woman is like Annie the cop fighter.

She's over there swinging her purse around like a larat. And uh Jimmy had this furniture like they put in nowadays into these oldtimey ice cream parlors to make them look old-fashioned. You've seen these chairs with the wire legs and the wire back and the tables.

That was Jimmy's original equipment. He didn't buy it as a decorating item. That's that's the way he was furnished there.

And they're dragging these two police are having a terrible time. They're dragging her and half the furniture out. And as they dragged her by my stool, I don't know what happened, an inspiration.

I reached into my pocket and I took out one of my lawyer cards. I used to carry a lot of them. And I held my arm out and I says, "Baby, if they give you a hard time, call Ernie the attorney." And I never got to take my arm back.

I got jerked right out to the patty wagon with her. and she and I rode down to the number two precinct together sharing our experience uh strength and hope with each other. Now Kevin over here that's taping happens to know a little girl uh in Washington that's in AA who is the daughter of my law partner that had to come down and bail me out the next morning.

But it was uh terribly humiliating and embarrassing. I had to call him up and he came down and bailed me out because I didn't I was operating on thin money that evening and I didn't have the tensy to get myself out of jail. But uh in those days uh my philosophy was big Ernie works hard and he plays hard.

That's still my philosophy. I was a trial lawyer, litigator, and at that time I was practicing a lot of uh criminal law, rough tough criminal lawyer. And uh after a tough day in court or an arduous day in the office listening to witnesses or clients, I've never been a very good listener.

uh 5:00 would roll around and I'd meet I'd call one of the guys up or one of my classmates would call me up and we'd meet at a place that was convenient amongst our offices. And just a block away from my office was a very fashionable hotel, the Jefferson Hotel. Now, the Jefferson Hotel is not you never saw anybody there with a tag on.

It's not that kind of place. Nobody's hollering across the lobby, "Hey, Charlie," you know, none of that stuff. very it's hushed tones and striped pants and that kind of a place.

And they had a terrific organ player there. Could tell the mood I was in as I walked in. If I was in the mood for show tunes, it'd be get on to show tunes.

I was a pretty good tipper, you know, with my rent money. But anyhow, if I had a Spanish mystique about me that night, he'd play my theme song, which was I get ideas. Adios muchachos.

Most of you probably too young to remember that number tangos. I like tangos. Anyhow, I would uh I was sort of the leader of the group.

I'd order a round and everybody's just getting settled in. I'm ordering the next round. And uh you know, I'd have get that first drink would un relax me, unwind me, and I'd start on the second drink and then I'd slip away and I'd call Kathy up.

She's here in the front row. Poor woman. Anyhow, I'd call her up and I'd say, "Kathy, you and the kids go ahead and eat." And at that time, we had six children.

We're Catholic. And uh we wound up with eight couple in sobriety. We practiced the rhythm system, but uh we never got the uh never got the beat.

That was our problem. Anyhow, I says, "Kathy, uh, you and the kids go ahead and eat. Soon as I can shake loose, I'm with some clients.

Soon as I can shake loose, I'll be right along." And the music's playing in the background. She'd say, "Ernie, please, please don't stay out and get drunk again tonight." Imagine talking that way to a professional man like me. Gets his name in the papers and everything.

I says, "Kathy, since you're taking this attitude, I am going to stay out tonight just to let you know who's boss in our house." See, this was before women's lib. And, uh, so, uh, I'd hang up that receiver. Now, I could go drink with a clear conscience because I never used to drink comfortably.

I always drank with this cloak of responsibility, with this mantle of guilt, this pressure. You know, I'd have a couple of drinks and I'd say, "Well, 6:00 I'm going to get out of here." You know, and 6:00 and then somebody would buy around and, you know, would wind up closing the place. Well, so on a typical night around 8:00, I'd go to order around.

One of the guys would say, "Hey, hold up. I've had enough." I'd say, "You mean in a shank of the evening?" and I'd get upset and the party would break up and I would go back and at that time I'm practically getting up to that now. I'm Brenda talked about gaining weight.

I used to run four miles a day and 8 miles sometimes on weekend and I have a bad hip. I quit running but I didn't quit eating. Guess what happened?

But anyhow, at that time I was worse than I am now. I weighed 308 lbs. to show you how alcohol is cunning, baffling, and powerful.

I thought I was too fat to be an alcoholic. What do you think of that? My idea of an alcoholic in those days was one of these little skinny guys that sort of blows around in the wind.

Have you seen them? And they have a pants with a lot of slack in them. Look like their rear end is shot off in World War II.

That was an alcoholic. I was too wellnourished to be an alcoholic. But anyhow, I went back and I'd tidy up my 308 pound body and sail out onto the town and through cafe society as I then fashioned it in Washington.

And invariably I would wind up in some lounge quarter to 2 in the morning. They're turning the lights up last call and I've just met these fascinating newfound friends. wonderful, attractive people and uh I was pretty persuad I talked them into going to an after hours place in Chinatown and I used to roll in 3 4 5 in the morning and maybe that's why I didn't need the morning drink I talked about earlier.

If you were serious about your drinking like I was, you're still humming those show tunes. Now, poor Kathy tried every approach in the books. She tried the confrontation which only resulted in a big fight.

Then she had another approach and she hates me to imitate her this way. And uh it's uh what I call the grinding approach. And uh Brenda was talking about perceptions.

She doesn't sound this way, but this is this was my perception. I'd come down in the morning and she'd this is after being out all night. And she'd say, "Ernie, Ernie, the children's report cards came in yesterday.

You were supposed to sign them and review them and we're supposed to turn them in today and you weren't here. Ernie sister called about Joey's hair. Joey had hair down to his shoulders.

He looked like a little Jesus. And uh this was when all the other kids, this remember is before the Beatles. All of us were wearing flat tops.

And uh you weren't here. I couldn't take I'm pregnant. She was always pregnant.

that woman. I uh she says, "I uh couldn't take him out for a haircut." And what's sister going to say now? And I'd have to sit there and listen to this stuff.

What could I say? I mean, she was right. Now, another thing she'd do, I'd come down in the morning and she'd be doing her job, making scrambled eggs for the kids and so forth, and she wouldn't be friendly, she wouldn't be unfriendly, but she there'd be no excess conversation, you know, and I'd have a little coffee and I have one eye closed trying to focus on the paper and I'm waiting for the bombs to fall.

And some of us are a little impatient and I'd say, "Okay, Kathy, cut the act. I know what's bugging you. It's my drinking." But you know what?

The real problem is the real problem is that you're not normal like other women. That's the real problem. Let me explain that.

My wife on her 21st birthday, we both met at Catholic University as students. Couple of her girlfriends took her down to the warf on the PTOIC to a nice seafood restaurant. She had her first drink of beverage alcohol.

She got a little tipsy. She got a little silly. She got a little nauseous, a little uncomfortable, and decided she didn't like the stuff.

She hasn't had a drink from that day till this day. Kathy's now 49 years sober. What do you think of that?

I says, "If you were like other women, I'd come home. We could I'd mix up a picture of martinis. We could have a drink together." This was a lie.

My idea of a of uh you know of fun wasn't to have all these little hands with jelly on them pulling on my trousers saying fix my wagon daddy but I said Kathy if my drinking bothers you this much I'm going to quit now I was studying all these philosophy courses at Catholic University so I'd speak in those terms I'm going to quit Kathy seair pros as the philosophers say meaning always and forever like out into the ether and as I'd say this, I'd feel so noble. My eyes would sort of messed up with the inner goodness I saw in myself. Not only was I going to quit drinking, kids were bringing these little pictures home from school of the gray lung.

I was going to quit smoking. A lot of surprises I had in store for this family. Told you how much I weighed.

I was going to go on a diet. And uh I hadn't been to confession in a long time. Saturday I was going to go to confession and Sunday I was going to march up to the communion rail with the kids and it you know it it does something emotionally to me right now thinking of this spontaneous physical spiritual and emotional regeneration of a man.

But when I said those things I meant them. Did you? I meant them.

I was pretty persuasive persuasive too. So Kathy would say, "Okay, Ernie, I'm going to see if you keep your promise this time." Nowadays, they call that enabling. We have all these new terms now.

I mean, when I came into AA, codependent was something you put on your tax return. Now it has a whole different meaning. But anyhow, so I would get downtown that day and just go through the motions.

Go through the motions. ferocious hangovers I was having by this stage of my drinking three and four day unbelievable hang that first day I couldn't even light a cigarette be afraid my head would blow off and sweating profusely could be zero degree weather sweating and I can't get enough hydration I'm stopping at every fountain in court at the 7-Elevens getting the big bottles of orange pop ginger ale and everything get through that day and day number two, but I'd come home like I promised. I'm home at 6:00.

Day number two, I'm still hung over and I get up. I go, I'm feeling a little bit better. I can go down.

I'm well enough to check the mail, see if any money came in. I'm home at 6:00 again. Kathy's encouraged.

Day number three, get up in the morning, get a little pet on a cheek. As I leave the house, I go downtown. I get some work done.

I'm home at six o'clock. Kathy has this marvelous meatloaf dinner of hers. I'm going to give you the recipe.

It's one pound of ground meat, basic ground meat, about six or seven loaves of bread stuffed into it. This meatloaf Catholics could eat on Friday under the old rules. I mean, it was pretty skimpy.

And after dinner, we'd take the overdue books back to the library or go to the five and 10, do a little shopping, and things are things are now getting back to the way they should be. And day number four, I wake up in the morning. I'm 33 years old and I'm well.

I feel like a young lion. I go over and I throw the window open on the bedroom and take a big deep breath of air. It's great to be alive and I charge out of the house with vigor.

You know, I heard Father Martin not too long ago talk about four terrible enemies of sobriety. Youth, health, wealth, and brains. And I'll tell you, in my experience, I've seen people too smart to make this program.

I've never seen anyone too dumb to make it. And I'd go downtown and when those good days come along, you have to grab them. And I'd get a lot of work done.

I'd get so much work done, I'd be so charged up with accomplishment that at 5:00 I couldn't go home and inflict myself on my family in that agitated state. I'd stop for a beer and I'm off to the races again. Sometimes I'd get almost home, neighborhood bar, and then work my way back downtown to the bright lights.

I crept in one morning about 4:00 or 5, got a little rest, had some coffee, and started to creep out. And Kathy stopped me. February 1961.

She says, "Arnie, wait a minute. I took you for better or for worse. The children were in a party to that agreement.

I'm leaving today. I'm going to your elderly parents or mine, whichever will have us. Any life is better than this." And I'll tell you my friends, I didn't argue with her that day.

I knew that I had run out of promises. And I went downtown and I wasn't humming the show tunes. And right behind the hangover, the terrible lash of remorse set in.

And I don't know if anyone other than an alcoholic can experience the remorse that we can. That feeling of worthlessness and impending doom. And I got a little rest in my office and I was due in federal court at 10:00 a.m.

in motions court and I was number one on the calendar. And it's terrifying to think the procession of events how they unfold for some of us almost either guided or happen stance that brings us here. Maybe if I wasn't number one on that calendar that morning, it might not have unfolded that way.

But I went in and argued my emotion. I came out of court at 11:00 and I stood there on a corner, federal courthouse and I looked at the Capitol building practically in the shadow of the US capital and it was a bleak grayerial February day and there was dirty snow in the gutter left over from Kennedy's inauguration. A few of you remember what a tremendous snowstorm we had uh when Kennedy was inaugurated a month earlier.

And uh I stood there and I felt just like the dirt I saw in that snow. And I I couldn't go to my office. I needed to talk to somebody else.

And this guy whose office I walked down to, I had never been drinking buddies with him. Our paths had crossed that way. He had been a consultant in a case I had once, a criminal case.

And why I went to his office on and I sat down and I I said, "Huw, come on down. Have a cup of coffee with me." He says, "I'll send out for coffee." And so I sat down, we had the coffee and somehow we got around to the subject of the evils of booze. And uh we were talking for a while and Hugh said to me, he says, "Arnie, I haven't had a drink in 6 months." And I says, "Gee, that's wonderful, Hugh, because everyone knows what a drunk you are." He didn't like that.

And then he dropped a bombshell on me. He says, "I'm in AA." And I said, "No, you a former bomber pilot, you a exass assistant United States attorney, you a rough and tumble criminal lawyer, you're with those tambourine rattlers or whatever those people do." And just then the phone, but let me tell you what the context of my life was at that moment. At the moment Hugh made this disclosure, my wife was leaving that day.

I hadn't filed a federal tax return in five years. I owned one suit of clothes. I had a dry cleaner that was a client near my home.

I used to on the way downtown stop in his uh place and stand in the back would discuss politics and so forth while he pressed my pants so I'd look decent downtown. And I remember once he told me he said, "You know, these pants are so thin. I'm going to have to tell you that I'm pressing them at your own risk, Ernie." You know, I mean, and almost nothing left of that suit.

We had no credit cards. Our furniture looked like something the Flintstones had given a goodwill. We were 5 months behind on our rent where I lived.

I was behind on a rent in the office. Uh, I had no checky account. You hear people in AA talk about bouncing checks.

I beat that. My deposit bounced. The last deposit I made to the National Bank of Washington, they sent my money back.

They said, "You're too much trouble for closing the account." You know that couple years ago, that bank went down to tubes and I'm here sober and solvent tonight. You hear people that owe their lawyers money on these DWI cases. I owed my clients money.

I used to borrow money from my clients. What better source than people who trust you, you know? Uh we owed about 2530,000.

This is in ' 61. That's like owing 150 175 today with nothing to show for it. No credit.

And uh so that was our situation. And when Hugh told me he was in AA, you know what emotion I felt? I felt sorry for him.

Talk about the second step. As we were talking, the phone rang and it was my sponsor to be calling the great Buck Doyle and uh Buck says, "Hugh, do you want to go to the AA lunchon today? They have a lunchon three times a week.

Still have it." And I still go and Hugh said, "Yeah." He says, "Incidentally, there's a fat one here you might want to talk to. I'm not having too much luck with him." And Hugh hung up the phone and uh he said, "Ernie," he says, "Why don't you come to this AA lunchon? We have sponsors in AA.

I'd like you to meet this guy. He's a man's man. He uh flew uh in the 14th Air Force over in China with General Chault and uh he's up with Remington Rand and in their uh government sales department and uh you got to meet the I says, "Well, yeah, that'd be nice, but he says, why don't you come to this lunchon?" I says, "My wife's leaving today.

I'm not interested in going to some lunchon." She says, "Look, I'll even buy your lunch." I says, "No thanks." Then I got an idea. She says, "Wait a minute. If I go to this lunch, will you tell them I've filled the forms out and everything?

Call my wife up and tell her I've joined this AA thing." And he said, "We don't have any forms, but we will call her up." So, I went to the lunch. I was impressed with the guys I met there. They were my kind of people.

They were the drinking set, only they're sitting there eating these big chocolate sundaes, you know. And we came back to Hugh's office and Buck got on the phone, called my wife up. Luckily, our phone was on.

We used to have a lot of utility trouble in those days with the electric. I remember once Kathy, it's a true story, was putting a chicken or a turkey in the oven and there the gas didn't work. There was no gas there.

But anyhow, so Buck called Kathy up and he said, "Uh, Kathy, this is Buck Doyle. I'm an alcoholic and uh I'm in AA." And we're sitting here talking to Ernie and Ernie thinks he might have a problem with alcohol. What do you think?

What do you think? She thought, you know, and uh Buck was a terrific salesman. He said, "Ernie's agreed to go to a meeting tonight and you may not have any confidence in this big clown, but maybe you can have some confidence in this AA program.

It's worked for me. It's worked for the lawyer whose office we're sitting in. It's worked for a couple of hundred thousand people." That's how many were in AA at that time.

And Ernie said he'd go to a meeting. why don't you stick around and see what happens? And she said, "Okay." And that night, I went to my first AA meeting over in Virginia.

A lot of people think I live across the river in Virginia because Buck lived there and he ordered me to go to meetings over there right from that first night. And believe it or not, in those days, we used to do what our sponsor told us to do. Buck then was sponsoring amongst many, many other people.

He was sponsoring like three priests and three lawyers. and he had the nickname of Monscior Doyle. And we were all hoping he'd be promoted to bishop.

That way he would only have to kiss his ring because he was uh he was not like they say today, non-judgmental. He was very judgmental about the rules. So I went there that night and I was inspired.

There was a young fellow celebrating his first anniversary and his folks were just exuding gratitude. They were sitting in the front row. You couldn't help but be impressed.

And I thought to myself, this is a wonderful program for these people. Wonderful. But maybe the first time in my life, in my chronologically adult life, I started to follow directions.

Buck told me to buy the big book and I bought it. He told me to read it and I devoured it. I don't think you can digest it in a lifetime.

I still pick it up today and read some. aha stuff in it, something that reads new or differently because our understanding deepens and changes as hopefully we grow in this program. Told me to go to a meeting every night.

He didn't have to do that because he came by and picked me up. Actually, after about 3 months, I said, "Uh, Buck, I'm embarrassed you driving all the time. Why don't you let me drive?" He says, "Ernie, you haven't been in long enough to have good tires yet." This is true.

I mean, I was a and uh it's getting late, so I'm going to cut it down a little bit. But anyhow, uh he said, "Get some phone numbers. Stick with the people that are happy about being sobbriety.

When you have the whims, call somebody up. Talk to somebody. Call me up." I followed all the rules, did everything they told me to do.

Went to all the meetings. After several months, I says, "Buck, I'm doing everything you guys tell me to do. When are my creditors going to get off my back?" He says, "When you pay them." I thought there was going to be some kind of amnesty.

You know what I mean? Bunda talked about uh how much we change and how tremendous the changes are early on in our sobriety, which is true because you go from drinking to not drinking. I mean that's a monumental change and then you go with many other big changes and there's a lot of troubles that you no longer have in life.

I didn't no longer had the the policeman with the nightstick and all of that. So all of the troubles can go away immediately. But I have learned here that we still have the problems of daily living because the fact that I came into AA doesn't mean that I've resigned from the human race.

But it was some time before I learned that. My idea of recovery was this. Getting stuff cuz I needed stuff and not drinking.

That's what I thought this program was. I loved the people. I took the AA like a duck takes the water.

That first night I was invited next door to the home of this patent lawyer, the great Pat Flareity. And uh I was the new kid on the block. So I was the center of attraction.

We're over there for coffee and ice cream. And uh you know this is a funny organization we're in. The worse your credentials are here the better they like you.

I told them I said you know I haven't filed a tax return in 5 years. They said wonderful. They were so happy for me.

But the healing started that night. I know we need deflation at depth but we also need healing affirmation. And in an unspoken way, collectively from that first night, you people at AA said to me and to others, you have intrinsic dignity because of your humanity.

You're worth getting sober and what you have is chronic and progressive and irreversible and come along with us. We'll love you till you can learn to love yourself. And that started the journey for me.

But so many good things happened with such rushing speed for me. I ran right past the steps and I acquired the stuff. The kids were in the good schools and I had the big house and the big cars and all of the acrruments of the good life.

But I was in pain myself and that drove me back to the steps of this program. I can tell you this tonight. There's peace in my heart tonight as far as alcohol is concerned.

Uh I never dreamed that I would learn to want to not drink. You know, I've been all over the world in AA. I've been very privileged.

I've been to places like Koala Lumpur, Malaysia to AA meetings, Bangkok, Singapore, Tokyo, Beijing, Sydney, Hawaii, all the states, uh London, Warsaw, Athens, Villness, Lithuania, which is my ethnicity. I could in all the places I've gone to AA, I could have ordered up a bathtub full of champagne had I wanted to. I'd rather seek out the AA meeting.

And I never believed anything like that could happen to me because I thought then at best this was an endurance contest, which for many of us at the beginning it is. Tonight there's peace in my heart as far as alcohol is concerned. If we were to pick a a a a uh saint, patron saint, I'd pick St.

Augustine for a couple of reasons. I love his definition of peace. He says, "Peace is that tranquility which comes from order.

It's like the waters on the back bays in Delaware where I spend a lot of time. The stillness and the calmness when everything's in place. There's that serenity that's there." And he also uh Brenda referred to the sixstep uh and seventh step uh uh seminar that they had here recently.

Uh he had a six-step prayer of his own. It was catch me uh Lord, but not yet. Like many of us, he didn't want to let go of those character defects.

So I have learned from you folks here in AA. And you know at the beginning I thought I had all these philosophers at Catholic University. When I was at school there we had people like Monsenior Fulton Sheen.

Some of you are young enough old enough to remember when he was on national TV. People like that I could talk to. I didn't need some adding machine salesman talking to me about spirituality you know here in AA.

But that's the way that's the way it finally came out. But I've learned here in AA from all of you that I can be happy, joyous, and free in direct proportion to the way I'm living this program on a daily basis. And I can't any more be happy and joyous and free on last week's spirituality than I can on a steak dinner that I ate a week or two ago.

I'm going to close. Jerry, I know you're getting nervous and you were always strict on that one hour business. I know that.

But uh I'm going to close with it. Kathy and I have been very lucky. We have eight children.

All eight are university graduates. Four have advanced degrees. A couple are lawyers.

One's an obstitrician. They've all been quite successful. None seem to have a problem with alcohol or drugs.

None of our children even smoke. We have 13 grandchildren. My affliction might skip a generation and fall on all of them like a plague.

God forbid. But it could. If it does, I want that beautiful moment when Bob and Bill met, when Buck and I met, when you met with your sponsor and sponses, that beautiful moment of the love of one drunk for another.

I want that to be there for them if they need it. And that's our duty above and beyond our own sobriety. We're in one of the greatest movements of all time, a baby organization.

And we are only the first 63 years. If we look at ourselves in a historical perspective, you know, from a distance really of time, where are we going to be a 100, 500 years from now? If you look at the Christian church, the people in the first hundred years are looked upon as the as amongst the founding members, the fathers of the church.

The newest person in AA in this room historically is going to be looked upon as amongst the founding people of this great fellowship. And I don't think anybody can ever hurt us from without, nor do I think they will. If we ever have any problems, it can only be by ourselves from within.

Bill Wilson said in 19 I think 48 or 58, whatever it was, something that uh at the end of one of his talks, he said, you know, AA is not a success story. It's a story of colossal human failure turned to the happiest kind of usefulness by the ever loving grace of God. And he said, "This fellowship will be here so long as God wills it." It's been a signal honor to be with all of you tonight.

And every one of you are important to me because every one of you are part of the mosaic of my life and my recovery and my sobriety. And I think that uh there's going to be a meeting that's never going to end. It's not going to be just a weekend conference.

It's going to be at a place called Happy Destiny. Until we all meet there, let's stretch together a day at a time. May God keep and bless all of you.

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